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    Mating in Captivity: In Search of Erotic Intelligence
    Mating in Captivity: In Search of Erotic Intelligence
    Mating in Captivity: In Search of Erotic Intelligence
    Audiobook8 hours

    Mating in Captivity: In Search of Erotic Intelligence

    Written by Esther Perel

    Narrated by Esther Perel

    4.5/5

    ()

    About this audiobook

    A New York City therapist examines the paradoxical relationship between domesticity and sexual desire and explains what it takes to bring lust home.

    One of the world’s most respected voices on erotic intelligence, Esther Perel offers a bold, provocative new take on intimacy and sex. Mating in Captivity invites us to explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire, and explains what it takes to bring lust home.

    Drawing on more than twenty years of experience as a couples therapist, Perel examines the complexities of sustaining desire. Through case studies and lively discussion, Perel demonstrates how more exciting, playful, and even poetic sex is possible in long-term relationships. Wise, witty, and as revelatory as it is straightforward, Mating in Captivity is a sensational book that will transform the way you live and love.

    Editor's Note

    Eye-opening therapy…

    Desire needs distance, while love needs closeness and support, and these two needs often create tension in a relationship. I would normally advise people to be wary of celebrity psychologists and their books. But this one is different. There is no formula in “Mating in Captivity.” It’s not a guidebook offering “steps” to follow. It’s more of an eye-opener to how crazy our culture is around intimacy. It makes you feel seen and truly hopeful about reviving the erotic in your life. In a way, it’s a lot like therapy (but cheaper and anonymous!).

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherHarperAudio
    Release dateSep 5, 2006
    ISBN9780061243608
    Mating in Captivity: In Search of Erotic Intelligence
    Author

    Esther Perel

    Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships.  Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world.  Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 30 million views and her international bestseller Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence is a global phenomenon that has been translated into nearly 30 languages.  Her newest book is the New York Times bestseller The State of Affairs:  Rethinking Infidelity.  Esther is also an executive producer and host of the popular podcasts Where Should We Begin? and How’s Work?  Learn more at EstherPerel.com or by following @EstherPerelOfficial on Instagram.  

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    Reviews for Mating in Captivity

    4.5/5

    488 ratings36 reviews

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    • 4/5
      It’s taken me a week after reading this to mull over what I think of it. It’s a brilliantly written, well argued book, and I agree with much of it. Perel shows how, through seeking absolute intimacy in long-term relationships, we chase away desire. Couples need to find a way to become mysterious to each other if they are to maintain physical passion.However, I can’t follow Perel right the way along to her conclusion - stated more overtly in this Sunday’s Observer article - that monogamy is mostly either impossible, damaging or undesirable.What Perel ultimately misses, I think, is that sex isn’t the only focus of a relationship. That intimacy that Perel finds so stifling is a positive choice for some of us. Maybe we even know, consciously or unconsciously, that we trade it for continuing passionate sex.I would never dream of suggesting that everyone should choose a monogamous relationship - we should all be free to make our own deal with out partners, so long as it’s mutual - but for me, it’s the best decision I ever made. Nothing feels so good as that intense, intimate bond I have with Herbert. A loving partner nurtures you through the tough times; a hot lover only celebrates the good ones with you. I know which one I choose.

      3 people found this helpful

    • 4/5
      Reconciling Cliché and Popular SociologyBy Jeffrey L. OttoOn a crowded bus last week, my eight year old son couldn’t help but inquire about the title of Esther Perel’s debut book, "Mating in Captivity : Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic." “What’s ‘mating’ mean, dad? And ‘cap…tiv…ity’?” With numerous ears besides his own eager to hear my reply, I resorted to cheap humor that passed by him as surely as hot sex passes by Perel’s patients throughout this book. “Mating,” I told him, “is finding someone to love and captivity is what happens after that.” Perel’s central premise is succinctly stated early on and aptly summarized in a piece of her own counsel. "I point out to Adele that if we are to maintain desire with one person over time we must be able to bring a sense of unknown into a familiar space." Adele, it seems, has been suffering from “contemporary angst” and now stands in as proxy to the larger condition that many face regarding sex within committed long-term relationships.In the pages that follow, a cast of stereotypical characters (her clients) is rolled out for the reader while the soothsayer herself dispenses meaning to truth. The writing is airy, and even at times elegant, but sadly only rarely achieves the intensity that the topic deserves. Throughout, it’s never quite clear whether this is a legitimate self-help manual or a series of slightly tawdry, Springeresque sketches.My own sensibilities would have preferred the author to engage in a more rigorous analysis of both the psychology and the anthropology attendant in the complexity of sexual relations within (semi)permanent relationships—in other words more Barthes, de Beauvoir, and Fisher—and less emphasis on the self-selected and voyeurized accounts of Alan, Adele, Zoë, Naomi, and Jed, among others.The book was not without its highlights, however. In a well-written chapter titled “The Pitfalls of Modern Intimacy,” Perel deftly draws out the consequent logic of removing pragmatism from the realm of relationship building. Using romantic love as a measure to assess long-term compatibility, we create unreasonable expectations about the role of passion in providing the sustenance of permanency; expectations that can hardly be met by self as emotion laden being, let alone by the self as orchestrated by a never ending series of neuro-chemical carbon based reactions.In another section, Perel usefully describes the limitations of the spoken word in the pursuit of everlasting sexual bliss. Her advice on the matter? Couples should start by purging the feminized language of emotion from the bedroom where, instead, we might reintroduce the carnal “mother tongue” that is our body. I’m reminded here of a passage from Monica Ali’s Brick Lane: “He was a man and he spoke as a man. He was not mired in words. He did not talk and talk until he was not certain of anything.” (Of course, here the protagonist was comparing her lover, a man of few words, to her husband, a man of many!) Yet, agree or disagree, it defies convention regarding the constitution of stable and happy relationships.Finally, a subsequent chapter on monogamy convincingly points out that despite the breakdown of many sexual taboos in our society (homosexuality, premarital sex, birth control) Americans remain steadfastly committed to monogamy as a singular ideal within all types of relationships. During a recent conversation with a friend and colleague who is very open and accepting of alternative sexualities and is generally unflinchingly supportive of the goals of the American cultural left, the issue of monogamy and politics arose. And despite her predilection for progressive thought, she quickly staked out well trodden normative terrain, saying that “any man who cheats on his wife is a complete dirtbag.” Perel, however, correctly points out that for many couples, “fidelity is defined not by sexual exclusivity but by the strength of their commitment” and argues that monogamy and its alternatives should be negotiated rather than imposed.More often than illuminating, however, the content was repetitive and replaceable. While easy to find humor in chapters explaining how democratic politics have left Eros limp and how the protestant work ethic leaves no room for eroticism, the anecdotal cases kept emerging even when their application felt forced. Perel did include a limited number of same sex couples along the way, but they were treated as synonymous with more traditional relationships and their explanatory power was thus limited. Perhaps most bothersome was the condescension displayed towards her subjects—both those in the first degree, her clients, and those in the second, her readers. Her own cosmopolitanism (the Belgian daughter of holocaust survivors, educated in Israel and practicing professionally in Manhattan) often seemed needlessly dismissive of American cultural mores pertaining to sex and intimacy. “Some of America’s best features,” she informs us “result in very boring sex.” Can this really be true?And lest we hope that American therapists can remedy the situation, Perel says not a chance: the American clinicians at one particular conference completely pathologized consensual and non-violent sex involving domination and submission. She took strong exception to their inability to fathom the complexity of fantasy and play within loving relationships, while stressing her own embrace of such matters.Though admitting her “relative outsider” status and using it to glean myriad insights into American culture, her narrative paradoxically contains herself within that very collective identity. “Nowhere is our profound discomfort with sex more apparent than in the way we approach teenage sexuality,” she intones before then describing the more enlightened attitudes of Europeans who “view adolescent sexuality as normal” and “not a problem.” Such assertions are easy to agree with. But often, at least for this reader, the aloofness drew me away from her arguments. I suspect that many of her readers will find such tones similarly off putting. Additionally, many of the situations in which she described her heroic interventions were candidly patronizing. The distinction between worthwhile social science and personal advertisement copy was never very clear.Overall, this was a thought provoking but flawed book. With it’s cherry red cover, half clad torsos, and provocative titular vocabulary, it wasn’t always the most pleasant book to read in crowded places. The looks, especially from those of the female persuasion felt vaguely piteous. And while some of the ideas contained within are worth thinking about, I will probably only recommend it to a few of my Red State friends, for its shock value alone. © Jeffrey L. Otto, March 18, 2007.

      2 people found this helpful

    • 3/5
      I thought there was good information in this book but it seemed very focused on a upscale, successful, attractive clientele that always has infinite sexual possibilities at their fingertips. I'd like a version that applies a little more to regular people

      1 person found this helpful

    • 5/5
      The book is good. However, this audio version is missing the last 2 chapters of the book, Chapter 12 & 13.

      1 person found this helpful

    • 5/5
      This book came at exactly the right time for me. It addresses an issue that I have been thinking about for a while. Sex in committed relationships. Why is it that even though you grow closer and closer to your partner that the passion in your sex life just dwindles away? The author of "Mating in Captivity" seems to have found the answers to that. Esther Perel is a couples therapist and with the help of some case studies from her practice she illustrates how different aspects of our domestic life are holding us back from experiencing earth shattering passion with our life partners. This book delivers new insights that other books on sex in marriages usually lack. Instead of advising to do whatever it takes to get closer to your partner and schedule time for sex, it suggests to emphasize one's independence and uniqueness. This in turn will create more of a gap between partners which seems to be necessary in order to have great sex. I was hoping for a little more of guide on how to reconcile the erotic and the domestic. But then again Perel's intention wasn't on writing a How-To- Book. Nonetheless this book will open your eyes if you've ever wondered why your married sex life is nothing compared to your dating sex life back in the days.

      1 person found this helpful

    • 1/5
      Reading this book I soon found myself questioning every aspect of my marriage. Apparently, I should be keeping my wife at a distance or we'll get bored with each other. Maybe I rely too much on verbal communication to express my feelings? Sure, things are great now, but am I setting the stage for an unhappy 2nd act? Would my wife be happier married to someone who doesn't speak English?

      I quit. I don't need a book to make me second-guess and doubt the happiest aspect of my life.

      1 person found this helpful

    • 5/5
      I loved the an examples of other couples and how they managed to work through their issues. Great book for any person out there, as it opens many new perspectives on not only intimacy, but the relationship itself.

      1 person found this helpful

    • 5/5
      Esther Perel feel like one of a kind. I never seat in front in front of a therapist. So I have no idea how good others are. But the way she breaks down the complicated things, it's exemplary.

      1 person found this helpful

    • 5/5
      One of the smartest people I've had the pleasure to read his/her book. Absolute far ahead of the time. A lot of the trouble of our times would vanish if people understood what Esther understands about our desires. Thanks for writing. This book changed my life and I've read hundreds of non fiction books over the years. This one is top 10, it's not just the book, it's everything Esther teaches. Check her out on YouTube and just analyse hours of her talking.
    • 5/5
      10/10 highly recommend to All whether you are young or old. It will open your mind!
    • 5/5
      Wonderful, Esther narrates beautiful and gracefully the truth in love and sex desire.
    • 5/5
      Excellent book. I've listened to some parts twice. Inspiring and eye opening.
    • 2/5
      I read this after hearing a couple episodes from Perel's podcast. I suppose that this book is similar, in a sense. But the writing doesn't convey the reality that I liked in the podcast. The case studies are very brief, and feel generic, as if designed to show Perel's point, rather than being real people. (I'm not accusing her of making them up. Probably they are real. But the writing doesn't successfully show that.) Perel's style also works better in the podcast, where acting as a therapist she is giving needed advice. In the book, her advice comes across as dogmatic. (There's one right way of doing things. Why? Because Perel says so.) I'm not expecting controlled studies, but at least some evidence, or explanation, or humility in presenting her point of view. On the plus side, she has very clear theses that you can't misunderstand.
    • 5/5
      Wonderfully insightful, funny and intelligent. The book is to the point but Esther's charming, down-to-earth disposition does away with any awkwardness we might feel of we recognize ourselves in any of the topics. A must listen!
    • 3/5
      My "mistake" was to read "State of Affairs" before this one. "Mating in Captivity" thus turned into a (at times boring) repetition. "State of Affairs" examined the complexity of modern relationships with a greater attention to detail, and I appreciated it more. It's not that this book isn't good, but I think much of what is said in it has since become common knowledge.
      I did appreciate it, and parts of it stuck with me, e.g., the chapters about couple's therapy and the role that the therapist plays as a mediator or a translator between different love languages. Also, the book contains a very interesting description of cultural differences when it comes to romancing as a (single) parent.
      I'd still recommend it, but having read both Perel's books, I prefer "State of Affairs".
    • 5/5
      Very thorough! It surpasses my imagination. It’s very thought provoking
    • 5/5
      This book spoke to my relationship in a prophetically clear, therapeutically sound and encouragingly challenging way. Merci beaucoup Mme. EP, vous nous a fait très bien. Merci infiniment
    • 5/5
      Great boom with amazing insights as well as relatable stories.
    • 5/5
      great book about how people forget to create erotic distance between themselves in relationships and forget each person is supposed to be seperate and not enmeshed. it would be better if it was updated with more polyam, LGBTQ and POC examples.
    • 5/5
      Really enjoyed this book. As a therapist I think it normalizes a broad range of experiences and also helps couples revise their expectations regarding intimate relationships. I’ve learned personally bur would also suggest it to patients.
    • 5/5
      Gave me a new perspective on love and sex in relationship. Glad I read it.
    • 5/5
      Resonated with me, but also pushed me and challenged me. Intelligent, interesting, well-researched, well-crafted book. Never bored me, and rewired my brain for the better.
    • 5/5
      Expand your perception of passion! This book was amazing and helped me look deeper into true love, true passion, and real value of my spouse.
    • 5/5
      Incredibly insightful, raw and empathetic. Esther Perel’s relationship work is really a gift that we should all give ourselves and others - not just our romantic relationships but all of our human interactions. Definitely recommend!
    • 5/5
      This is THE must read book if you’re in a long term relationship, married or believe in marriage for life, till death do you apart.
    • 5/5
      This was a great audiobook read by the author. Lot's of great information.
    • 5/5
      Excellent book. To the point, open and honest. Highly recommend.
    • 4/5
      Perel examines the question of whether good sex can last after marriage. She writes a helpful book stressing how intimacy is in many ways inconsistent with the erotic, not least in that the erotic must be separate from oneself to maintain mystery and attraction whereas intimacy stresses merging with no secrets. A tough nut to crack for certain...
    • 3/5
      Interesting and informative. I appreciated that it was more about the individuals being true to themselves and finding what works for them.
    • 5/5
      Extraordinary, insightful, irreverent transformation of our understanding of sexuality, marriage and commitment.