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    Agnes and the Hitman
    Agnes and the Hitman
    Agnes and the Hitman
    Audiobook12 hours

    Agnes and the Hitman

    Written by Jennifer Crusie and Bob Mayer

    Narrated by Sandra Burr

    4/5

    ()

    About this audiobook

    Take one food writer named Cranky Agnes, add a hitman named Shane, mix them together with a Southern mob wedding, a missing necklace, two annoyed flamingos, and a dog named Rhett, and you’ve got a recipe for a sexy, hilarious novel about the disastrous side of true love....

    Agnes Crandall’s life goes awry when a dognapper invades her kitchen one night, seriously hampering her attempts to put on a wedding that she’s staked her entire net worth on. Then a hero climbs through her bedroom window. His name is Shane—no last name, just Shane—and he has his own problems: He’s got a big hit scheduled, a rival trying to take him out, and an ex-mobster uncle asking him to protect some little kid named Agnes. When he finds out that Agnes isn’t so little, that his uncle has forgotten to mention a missing five million bucks he might have lost in Agnes’s house, and that his last hit was a miss, Shane’s life isn’t looking so good, either. Then a bunch of lowlifes come looking for the money, a string of hitmen show up for Agnes, and some wedding guests gather with the intent to throw more than rice. Agnes and Shane have their hands full with greed, florists, treachery, flamingos, mayhem, mothers of the bride, and—most dangerous of all—each other.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherBrilliance Audio
    Release dateAug 21, 2007
    ISBN9781423336532
    Agnes and the Hitman
    Author

    Jennifer Crusie

    Jennifer Crusie was researching her dissertation on the differences in the way men and women tell stories when she got sidetracked into writing romance novels. Her first book was published in 1993 (which pretty much finished off any hope of her getting that PhD) and her twenty-second book, Maybe This Time, came out in August of 2010, all of which she considers a minor miracle, especially since she is also a New York Times, USA Today and Publishers Weekly bestselling author and a two-time Rita award winner.

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    Reviews for Agnes and the Hitman

    4/5

    726 ratings66 reviews

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    • 5/5
      Loved it lots of fun and laughs good beach read

      1 person found this helpful

    • 5/5
      The humor and silliness of the story was so entertaining along with a creative storyline.

      1 person found this helpful

    • 4/5
      This is a very fast paced storyline with many inner stories with twists and turns. It is well developed with believable characters. Enjoy!
    • 4/5
      Another fun collaboration from these two with a plot that barely pauses combining romance, comedy, mystery and thriller. Possibly the (flamingo)wedding from hell for most, but hilarious for anyone only attending. There’s also plenty of non-graphic murder and mayhem. Took me a while to read owing to an injury, not a lack of interest. I couldn’t help picturing the hitman as a Seeley Booth type (from Bones).
    • 5/5
      The Storyline

      Agnes is not your normal chick-lit heroine. The fact that she’s known as ‘Cranky Agnes’ could give you an idea. The fact that she’s used a frying pan in more ways than just cooking (I’ll give you a hint, one guy now has a metal plate in his head) could also give you another idea. There’s also an incident with a meat fork but I won’t spoil the fun for you. Or maybe it’s the mental conversations she has with her therapist.

      ”Fuck you,” Agnes said, bent over the edge of the cake.
      Angry language, Agnes.
      Fuck you, too, Dr. Garvin.

      I think it’s a combination of everything, actually.

      Agnes leads a quiet, simple, life as a food writer engaged to a quiet, simple man named Taylor. Her quiet, simple life takes a sharp 180° the day that she’s held at gunpoint for her dog. Yes, she’s held at gunpoint because they’re trying to steal her dog. Her life is soon thrown into even more upheaval when a hitman, Shane, is sent to protect her. People keep coming after Agnes, trying to steal her dog, trying to kill her, but who’s sending them? What follows is a rollercoaster ride that’s entirely way too much fun.

      "Somebody might be coming to the house who might be dangerous."
      "Really?" Agnes said. "Because that almost never happens here. With advance notice. Should I get my frying pan?"

      Final Thoughts

      Agnes is going down as one of my favorite book characters of all time, definitely. She’s a single girl, who loves to cook for her friends, she’s preparing to hold a wedding at her house, and she’s a food writer… I mean, at face value she’s just a normal girl. Agnes cannot be taken at face value and that’s what I loved most, the fact that I was completely surprised at how crazy and lovable she was all at the same time.

      This book was downright hilarious, was extremely enjoyable, the characters were all amazing (I especially loved Shane), and… why exactly have I never read anything by this author before? Will definitely be correcting this, pronto.
    • 5/5
      Wonderful book that starts off rather slow but really picks up and keeps you fully engaged! The narration of this book was beyond amazing and not one of those boring voiced readers who puts you to sleep.
    • 1/5
      The dialogue is trite. The sex is bland. The characters are cardboard cutouts. The plot is inane and unbelievable. It seems that the author(s) can’t figure out what kind of book this is. Is it a comic crime caper? A mystery? A romance? A mafia thriller? A cooking cozy? Bodies pile up left and right, plot lines disintegrate or appear from thin air. Even the editing is bad … the electricity goes out, thanks to a bad guy who “did something” to the power, but early the next morning Agnes is in the kitchen using her coffee grinder and CD player. The authors would have us believe that her cooking is so great that people set their guns down to feast on pancakes and ham (and where does all this food come from when she never goes to the store … and remember that the electricity was out … we’re talking South Carolina summer HEAT). Oh, and what’s with the psychiatrist (who just disappears in the middle of the book). Crusie (or Mayer) does manage to write a few humorous scenes that tickle me, but if it weren’t for a Shelfari book group Challenge I would not have finished it at all.
    • 5/5
      This was super fun, I really enjoyed it. At first I was like- who are these people and where is their backstory? It kind of felt like starting on the second book, but if you stick with it, the humor and storyline are good enough to keep you invested until the wrap-up at the end.
    • 4/5
      This was fun, lighthearted fluff and I enjoyed reading it. It held my attention from beginning to end and I really liked the interaction between all the characters. This is definitely not a 'serious' mystery, but still a faced-paced read with interesting characters. If there are ever other books in this series, I would definitely read them.
    • 1/5
      Oh, was sooo looking forward to listening to this, but the narration and weird inner dialogue - I just cannot.
    • 5/5
      I think the Crusie/Mayer partnership is starting to hit its stride. I really liked this book, and I felt it held together better than Don't Look Down. Great characters, interesting plotline. There was a fairly unbelievable body count, but atill highly entertaining.
    • 5/5
      This is whole book is just a wonderful experience. The story, the characters and the location are the whole package and I loved it -- every minute. The author does such a wonderful job of making each character have a unique personality and matches their physical description. The story is engaging and I couldn't wait to see how it wrapped it up in the end. The character of Agnes is just delightful and I wish I had her spunk. The supporting characters are all individual and bring heart and sass to the story which starts with a bang and doesn't let up until the end. Just a great book.
    • 5/5
      Ok first off be prepared for one hell of a wild ride when you read this. This is the best warning I can give you for this book.
      It starts off somewhat slow and picks up around four or five chapters in. Then oh boy the action and cast of characters storm you, and yes at times bowl you over.
      Agnes was sometimes too crazy for me to connect with. She doesn't exactly react to situations like a "normal" person would. Frying pans anyone? However, this could be why she was so fun to read about.
      Shane was simply hot. Really. I sincerely feel throwing a lot of words out for a description would be a waste of time. He's hot, that's all there is to that. Read the book, read about him.
      A key component of the book for me was how Shane kept doing little things for Agnes. Soooo completely thoughtful and sweet. When he took her To Do List and gets her a bridge (to hard to explain what that is all about) I melted. Mind you he is doing all this while he is dodging bullets, killing people in Agnes kitchen, and trying to complete his mission of killing Casey Dean. Yeah you could say the man has a full plate.
      Agnes and Shane's first sex scene was hot, hot, hot. The angry sex was wow factor. Once again not for the faint of heart.
      Towards the end the murder mystery and cast of characters gets a little convoluted. It was a little too much, could have trimmed some characters and story. Something should have went, either Casey Dean or the mob connections.
      This isn't a traditional romance per say but for people who like action with a man/woman relationship thrown in will quite enjoy it. And there is of course Crusie's quirky humor thrown in, making it that much more enjoyable.
      I seriously read this book in one sitting, once it gets going it is IMPOSSIBLE to put down. I was utterly absorbed into Shane and Agnes lives.
      Super fun, super chaotic read, and definitely a keeper for me.
    • 5/5
      Crusie/Mayer are my go-to writers when I want to immerse myself in an entertaining book. This book is light-hearted, sexy, and full of my very favorite thing, "found family." I've read it more than once and I'm sure I'll read it again.
    • 4/5
      Re-read this in August 2018 from CPL. It was a fun read but I didn't remember it at all from the first time I read it in 2007. Admittedly that is 11 years ago but still I should have remembered something as I re-read it. The situation and the characters are amusing, the dialog is witty, and the book flows very well.
    • 4/5
      fantastically fun fluff
    • 5/5
      One of my favorites!
    • 5/5
      comedy, suspense, romance, cooking, the-mob, govt-agent, law-enforcement Cranky Agnes and her hitman are surrounded by some real characters! The story is just too much fun! I first read it when it was new, have reread it several times and have given away (or had liberated from my shelves) maybe a dozen copies. The publisher's blurb gives hints and there is no need for spoilers, but that can't begin to prepare you for all the laughs! Now I have an audio and the narrator is outstanding!
    • 5/5
      I am throwing caution to the wind and giving this jewel FIVE LOOKS! I loved, loved, loved this one. It is not going to save the world, change my philosophical views or feed any starving Ethiopian children. However, it made me totally forget the world for the few hours that it took me to utterly devour it.

      Agnes is a treat! She is feisty, funny, fearless and I wish I could sit and have a bourbon with her. Lisa Livia is the perfect best friend and Brenda is the perfect foe. On the male side, Joey, Shane, Carpenter and Garth round out a perfect family of fun.

      I adored everything about this book. The story is mob-related, so you can expect a fairly free use of the f-bomb among all of the characters, a fair amount of justified violence, and sex decribed just to the breaking point. It was fun from beginning to end and makes me want to add every book ever written by this duo to my TBR!

      Highly recommended!
    • 5/5
      A quick read. A slapstick murder mystery with lots of humor. Agnes is a great character of mixed emotions and the hitman fits right into her life. Totally enjoyable book.
    • 2/5
      I’ll start this review by saying two things:

      1. Be it a movie or a book, I enjoy a good romantic comedy;
      2. I hate writing negative reviews.

      All of the characters were a little over the top, yet charming, yet unbelievably annoying all at the same time. I snickered a few times but overall it was just a little too slapstick for me. This book has received some glowing reviews, but I guess it’s just not my cup of tea.
    • 5/5
      I loved this book. I laughed out loud so often, my son kept saying "what's so funny?" and wants to read the book too. I'm not going to let him because of the sex scenes.

      Regardless, the book was witty, fast-paced and quirky. This is the way *I* want to write.
    • 4/5
      A lot of reviews for Agnes, so I'll just add that this roar-with-laughter mystery is a favourite on my shelf and one I've re-read many times, and each time, I still get pulled into Agnes & Shane's world for an unforgettable week-in-the-life of a great cast of characters.
    • 5/5
      This humorous who-done-it story was very entertaining. Action moved right along with all kinds of wacky developments. I was captivated throughout. Agnes is preparing to host a wedding when someone tries to steal her dog. So her friend asks hit-man Shane to protect her.
    • 5/5
      Remember those old-ish Goldie Hawn movies, like Bird on a Wire? If you've seen those movies, you'll have some idea of what Agnes and the HItman is like. (Maybe a bit of Analyze This mixed in.) I think this book is MUCH better than Bird on a Wire was, but it's as close as I can come to describing the tone. Agnes is having a very bad week. She's bought the house of her dreams from her best friends mother, Brenda, with the stipulation that Brenda's grand-daugter (and Agnes' god-daughter) be married on the grounds and Agnes plan and host the whole thing. Easy! Except suddenly someone is trying to dognap her dog, at gunpoint. Seems a bit excessive for an ugly old hound. Agnes defends herself with her frying pan and in the course of self-defence, the would be dognapper falls through a wall into an unknown basement and dies, letting loose all sorts of family secrets Brenda would have preferred stayed buried. Agnes' old friend Joey, a retired and reformed mobster, thinks there's something up with a dognapping at gunpoint and sends his nephew, Shane, to protect Agnes. Shane's in the middle of a job, trying to hit another assassin but Joey is the man who raised him - sort of - and he's never asked for anything from Shane in 25 years. What follows from here is just pure hilarity. This is not a deep story; don't look for the characters to be meaningful or even realistic. There is zero navel-gazing and it's pretty much non-stop action from first to last. If liberal use of course language is going to bother you - avoid this book. If talk about sex bothers you - avoid this book. The sex isn't graphic, but discussion about it abounds. If you're looking for a light, funny, comedic romp - find this book! I upgraded mine to hardcover several years ago because I was wearing out my paperback.
    • 5/5
      A fun and humorous romances and crime adventure. I can't wait to read her other books
    • 5/5
      Agnes is the Bomb! She gets treated badly - and she doesn't take it! Have frying pan, will get even . . . I literally laughed until I made my tummy hurt. Agnes doesn't deserve what happens to her - the men she chooses are total losers who wind up banging other women - and getting caught by Agnes - and they are dumb enough to do it in her kitchen, on her clean kitchen table. What else WAS she to do than punish the jerks with a whack to the noggin with her favorite frying pan?

      Add in mobsters, hit men, crazy men (and women), inbred woods colts, dead bodies, buried bomb shelters, lost monies, and a mother who could give my insane mother a run for her money, and this is a book that had me rolling on the floor roaring with laughter.

      Very Very recommended if you like a laugh and a women character who won't take anyone's bad behaviour!
    • 5/5
      My best friend has been bugging me for years to read this book and I finally heeded her advice. And the first thing I did when finishing the book was to call and thank her.I loved the humor that included so much chaos and was amazed at how many twists the story took with one aspect of the mystery. And Agnes, there’s a woman who you won’t want to cross—anger management issues--yet she’s also extremely likeable. You’ll be rooting for her all the way. We also get a character you’ll love to hate.Shane is the hitman, brought on the scene by his uncle to protect Agnes after a teen shows up at her house with a gun, demanding she turn over her dog. Those anger management issues come in handy and there’s a lot to learn about the source of the threat. There’s more than one mystery that’s tackled in this story. The romance aspect had me tearing up. I want a Shane in my life! Lots of great characters and situations. I wish there’d been an epilogue that takes place a year later to find out what happened to so many characters.
    • 4/5
      A fun read and just what you'd expect from Jennifer Crusie. Agnes has anger-management issues which she is working on with the voice in her head, the once court appointed psychiatrist. She's a dangerous woman when it comes to a meat fork or frying pan. This story starts with the attempted theft of her dog, which brings the "the hitman" into her life as protection. Mayhem happens while writing her newspaper column, catering a wedding, relationship issues with her fiance, and attempting to renovate her home.
    • 4/5
      Goodreads recommended this one to me because I have read Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum series.

      They are right. If you are a fan of the Stephanie Plum series, you will most likely enjoy this book. It has the same basic formula, of feisty heroine, sexy hero, and is chock full of wacky characters, murder, mayhem and humor. And unlike the Stephanie Plum series there is no love triangle and there is a satisfying conclusion between the hero and heroine. A plus in my book.

      This book won't change your life, but it is a light and fun read and although I rarely laugh out loud when reading I did while reading this novel.