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The Silver Linings Playbook: A Novel
The Silver Linings Playbook: A Novel
The Silver Linings Playbook: A Novel
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The Silver Linings Playbook: A Novel

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

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A New York Times bestseller, The Silver Linings Playbook was adapted into the Oscar-winning movie starring Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence. It tells the riotous and poignant story of how one man regains his memory and comes to terms with the magnitude of his wife's betrayal.

During the years he spends in a neural health facility, Pat Peoples formulates a theory about silver linings: he believes his life is a movie produced by God, his mission is to become physically fit and emotionally supportive, and his happy ending will be the return of his estranged wife, Nikki. When Pat goes to live with his parents, everything seems changed: no one will talk to him about Nikki; his old friends are saddled with families; the Philadelphia Eagles keep losing, making his father moody; and his new therapist seems to be recommending adultery as a form of therapy.

When Pat meets the tragically widowed and clinically depressed Tiffany, she offers to act as a liaison between him and his wife, if only he will give up watching football, agree to perform in this year's Dance Away Depression competition, and promise not to tell anyone about their "contract." All the while, Pat keeps searching for his silver lining.

In this brilliantly written debut novel, Matthew Quick takes us inside Pat's mind, deftly showing us the world from his distorted yet endearing perspective. The result is a touching and funny story that helps us look at both depression and love in a wonderfully refreshing way.

LanguageEnglish
Release dateApr 27, 2010
ISBN9781429960236
The Silver Linings Playbook: A Novel
Author

Matthew Quick

Matthew Quick is the New York Times bestselling author of The Silver Linings Playbook—which was made into an Oscar-winning film—and eight other novels, including We Are the Light, a #1 Indie Next Pick and a Book of the Month selection. His work has been translated into more than thirty languages, received a PEN/Hemingway Award Honorable Mention, was an LA Times Book Prize finalist, a New York Times Book Review Editors’ Choice, a #1 bestseller in Brazil, a Deutscher Jugendliteratur Preis 2016 (German Youth Literature Prize) nominee, and selected by Nancy Pearl as one of Summer’s Best Books for NPR. The Hollywood Reporter has named him one of Hollywood’s 25 Most Powerful Authors. Matthew lives with his wife, the novelist Alicia Bessette, on North Carolina’s Outer Banks.

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Rating: 4.072463768115942 out of 5 stars
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  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    From my Cannonball Read V review...

    I tend to gravitate towards non-fiction books. Reading literature in school involved so much analysis; I got to a point after my last literature class where I felt I didn’t know how to read fiction on my own, without a guide or a discussion around it to try to find the ‘deeper’ meaning. What’s the point of picking up a classic if I’m going to miss all of the nuance?

    On occasion, however, a work of fiction sounds interesting and I’m willing to give it a whirl. Generally speaking I’ve been lucky with my picks - and “Silver Linings Playbook” continues that lucky streak. If you’ve not yet read it, and can get past the idea of picturing the dude from “The Hangover” and Katniss Everdeen in the main roles, I think you’ll find you’re in for a quick but satisfying read. I read it in three days and found I was disappointed not in the ending, but in the fact that it was done. This is a book that had me thinking about it when I wasn’t reading it, and wanting to get back to it when I was doing other things.

    We meet the protagonist Pat briefly in a psychiatric facility. His perspective is the one we experience throughout the novel; it’s a first person narrative that usually works. Pat consistently refers to the facility as the ‘bad place,’ which is one of the turns of phrase author Matthew Quick uses to lead us to think that there’s something a little off about Pat. That phrase, along with Pat insisting on referring to his separation from his wife as ‘apart time,’ were really the only things about the book that consistently bothered me. I think I get what Quick was going for, but the phrases really just pulled me out of the story. Thankfully, I was able to get past that and enjoy the writing, but I do wish Quick had found another way to demonstrate the developmental pause the character seems to have taken.

    Pat has been sprung from the mental health facility by his mother, who has arranged for Pat to live back home with her and her inattentive, Eagles football-obsessed husband. Pat is focused on staying in amazing physical shape and acting kindly so that he can win back his wife Nikki. Clearly we get the sense that something is wrong with his assumption that he has any chance getting back with Nikki; he even repeatedly admits to himself that he treated her poorly. However, it’s clear that there’s more to that story, and over the course of the novel we find out, for the most part, what’s really going on.

    To try to help bring Pat back into the outside world, Pat’ friend Robbie reintroduces him to Tiffany, who is working through her own mental health issues. She’s a young widow who rarely speaks but, when she does, chooses the fewest words necessary to get her point across. She’s blunt, a little socially awkward, and possibly interested in Pat. Pat wants nothing to do with her but, due to some clever work on her part, is pulled into a mutually beneficial relationship.

    Given their respective circumstances, it could have been so easy for the author to lead us to pity them. And perhaps some readers will feel that emotion as they get to know their stories. For me, I felt more empathy and a little bit of hope as the novel progressed. Quick does a great job of showing honest emotions without begging the reader to cry or just feel so darned sorry for them. The characters are flawed, but from my perspective they are flawed in realistic ways. They could be our friends, and that helps make the connection to their plights more real.

    Finally, the book has a resolution that is incomplete, although not frustratingly so. I’m warning you now: not every storyline is wrapped up at the end. The author doesn’t end it all with a knock on a door followed by a fade to black what-will-happen-next scene (I’m looking at you, ‘Sideways,’), but he doesn’t give us an epilogue or address every relationship that has formed or broken throughout the story. I enjoy that – I don’t need a totally messy ending, but I do like one in which it is expected that the characters will still go on and have struggles to face and issues to resolve.

    I’m only on book five, but so far this year this is my favorite. If I can keep finding novels like this one, I just might have to put some of the non-fiction books on my reading list on hold.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    I really enjoy this movie and I must admit that I didn't always want to read the book, but I thought the book was better. At first I kept picturing characters as the actors and actresses that portrayed them in the movie, but about 60% through the book I could see they were uniquely different, and by the end Pat was just Pat, and there were Tiffany and Danny, and mom; no celebrities, just characters in the novel. I also enjoyed the details of the book that did not match the movie. I felt like I really understood Pat from reading the book. In the movie I only felt like I knew who Pat was. The book took me on an adventure with Pat through the movie of his life to find his happy ending; I felt as if the movie version fell short of this. Definitely found the book better than the movie, and it was a quick read for me.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Saw the movie so thought I'd see if the book added depth. It doesn't, but is still a good read. It pretty much lays out the movie except for DeNiro's betting habit which may have been a last-minute script addition. Amazed this was the author's first novel. Worth keeping an eye out for his second one.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Pat believes he has been in the "bad place", or the mental hospital, for only a few months but actually it's been more like four years. He believes that he and his wife, Nikki are separated and having an apart time but that that will change soon as he is a changed man from what he was before. He is now fit and reading books to make himself more literate for his English teacher wife and give themselves something to talk about together and with her friends who used to put him down for not knowing much about literature.Pat's mom comes and gets him out of the mental hospital on the condition that he goes and sees a therapist and lives with his parents. His new therapist is Dr. Cliff Patel and he's pretty cool in that he doesn't try to tell him to give up on getting Nikki back like his therapist in the hospital. He's also an Eagles fanatic which the two bond over. While in his waiting room he hears a song by Kenny G and he freaks out. Kenny G is his nemesis and the song "Songbird" is evil to him. He will sometimes see him at night in bed and will bang his head against the wall to try to get him to go away.His old childhood friend Ronnie who had written to him while he was in the hospital stops by the house to see how's he's doing and to invite him over to dinner at his house with his wife Veronica and their young daughter. He and Nikki used to make fun of them, but Pat finds himself accepting the invitation. When he arrives he finds that someone else has been invited to the dinner: an older woman named Tiffany who is Veronica's sister and who is widowed and going through a rough time. She has just lost her job for her bad behavior and is seeing a therapist for her depression. Dinner is a stilted affair and when Pat walks Tiffany back to her parent's place where she lives in a trailer out back she tells him he can have sex with her if he wants and he tells her he is married and she says she is too. They both end up crying in each other's arms and go their separate ways.Life with Pat's dad is difficult as he is a difficult man to be with. He is not an open man. He only seems to show up when there's an Eagles game on the television. And even then his mood depends on how well the Eagles are playing. His brother Jake bought season tickets for Pat who once had them before he went into the hospital so the two of them and a friend of Jake's go to the home games. The Eagles winning or losing is important in this book because when the Eagles win his dad is in a better mood and more talkative--not by much, but a little bit. And things are easier on his long-suffering unappreciated mother when they win.Tiffany has been following him around when he goes running and makes a proposition for him that will change his life. If he will do something for her she will do something really big for him that could be a game changer in the apart time being over. But he can't tell anyone about it. Not even his therapist. Will he do it? Will what happened to put Pat in the hospital happen again? This is a fascinating book that shows inside the mind of someone who is mentally ill and trying to put the broken pieces back together. He knows that he wasn't a good husband to his wife Nikki but wants to change and be a better person. But as a reader, we suspect that that boat has sailed, but there is Tiffany, another broken soul who is deserving of love too so you kinda root for the two of them to get together. I really loved this book that shows what we do for love and how it effects us and everything we do. Even if you've seen the movie the book is very much worth reading. I highly recommend reading this book. QuotesAfter I returned to New Jersey, I thought I was safe, because I did not think Kenny G could leave the bad place, which I realize is silly now—because Kenny G is extremely talented and resourceful and a powerful force to be reckoned with.-Mathew Quick (The Silver Linings Playbook p 34)
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    This was a surprisingly fast and easy read. I'm not sure it's terribly profound, but I enjoyed the slightly bizarre characters and creative set up. I agree with some others that it's probably not a very accurate representation of mental illness, but if you're okay with taking this just for what it is, it's a very good read.

    Note, however, that there are definite spoilers of some famous literature -- so if you intend to read The Great Gatsby or The Bell Jar and haven't yet, be warned.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Digital audiobook narrated by Ray Porter. Pat Peoples is at home again, living with his parents, after spending an indeterminate amount of time “in the bad place” – a mental hospital. He knows that if he can just improve himself a bit, his wife Nikki will come back to him. Problem is, no one will talk about Nikki or tell him the truth. His old friends have wives and children that he doesn’t remember. The Philadelphia Eagles keep losing. His father barely speaks to him. And now he’s got a girl, Tiffany, who is following him around. At least his therapist is an Eagles fan…What a delightfully quirky and touching story. I never saw the movie, but knew it was very popular. I put the book on my tbr knowing basically nothing about it and was pleasantly surprised by how much I liked it. Pat is a wonderful character and narrator. His constant repetition of his mantra, his reminders to himself that he is trying “to be kind, not right” and his unfailing belief that he will be able to succeed just endear him to me. Tiffany is so confused and hurt and hopeful, that she, too, just pulls me in. I loved Pat’s mother and his therapist (and fellow Eagles’ fan) as well. The only character I could never quite figure out – and could have done without – was Pat’s father. But that’s a small quibble, really. Ray Porter does a marvelous job of performing the audio book. He really brought these characters to life for me.
  • Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
    2/5
    I was pretty disappointed by The Silver Linings Playbook. Like many people, I wanted to read it after hearing how good the movie was and I have to say now is that I hope the movie is loosely base on the book and better. Not once did the author say that Pat Peoples was bipolar, just that he had a mental illness, so I blame myself for letting information about the movie influence my opinion of the book because for most of the book I thought he was suppose to be bipolar and it wasn't an accurate description of it but he isn't just some kind of mental illness that the readers are not told. Pat didn't always have this mental illness either so it is something that is newly effecting him. With that said I disliked how his character thought and talked, almost like he was a pre-schooler, which led me to believe maybe he's mentally challenged now? But no, the book says mentally ill not handicapped. I thought the reason why he went to the "bad place" was obvious from the beginning, I thought what Tiffany was doing was also obvious when it started. I wish more of the book was about his relationship with her while they were training for the dance, the author goes in great detail about the Eagles to the point where its beyond what the reader needs to know, but this part is rushed through. I did enjoy the ending, it is probably the only redeeming part of the book that makes it worth the buy. Finally, I don't understand how people find the book funny, Pat is obviously struggling throughout most of the book and kind of delusional, it's sad, not funny.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    I loved this book so, so much! But darn it, did it ever make me cry!!
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    I had watched the movie before reading the book and enjoyed it very much. As for the book, I think it's even better than the movie. This writer was successful in putting you right into the mind of a person who is struggling and surviving mental health issues. I absolutely loved his Mom, his therapist, and his brother. In the movie, Robert Deniro portrays his father and gives this character a fleshed out sometimes caring and warm personality. In the book, his father is more one dimensional and detached, with only a few moments where he acted with consideration. Most of the time his father is just a clueless emotionally shut down jerk. Eagles football is much more prominent in the book. I very much liked how it advanced the story and interjected levity. The dance "competition" is in the book, and it brought tears to my eyes, as did many parts of the story. As movies tend to do, the end is wrapped up nicely into a bow for you. Although I do like the ending of the book, it is somewhat differently handled. If you liked the movie, I highly recommend reading the book. If you never saw the movie, I still highly recommend reading the book.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    This little book was quite interesting, because it touches on mental illness issues and life in the family/community. The plot is simple enough, but effective, with a good characterisation of the main character and his family/friends. We are drawn to his thoughts and emotions, which makes the whole rather intimate. The sensitivity with which the author approaches some difficult scenes, like the character's tantrums and the violence he is capable of (he hits his mum once) does not detract from the good times; rather, it emphasises them and there is a good balance overall. As readers, I'd say the novel feels good, it isn't negative and does not make anyone depressed or angry, which is why you could, and maybe should, read it.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Loved it! Books are always so much better than the movies!!
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    Sidenote: I watched the movie prior to listening to this book and I have to say I was confused by the casting choices when I watched the film and am now even more confused.

    There are parts of this book that I really like. For example I love that Pat is going through the entirity of Nikki's reading list and I love his commentary on the books he reads. It was fantastic to read commentary that so many people think but are too afraid to vocalize.

    I also love unreliable narrators who are completely out of touch with reality. Pat is most definitely an unreliable narrator but he is so entertaining that you can't help but find his delusion slightly charming.

    I wasn't a big fan of the AHHHH E-A-G-L-E-S or the consistent dropping of the f-bomb. I also found myself to be fairly bored with the plot. If you read this go into it expecting to be charmed by the narration but slightly bored by the plot.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Very enjoyable.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    funny, sweet...unforgettable...
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    It took me a quite a while to read through this one. Not because it was bad, just because it didn't end each chapter on a cliffhanger of any sort. Also, the narrator has a strange way of writing that makes you feel like he is a child at times rather than a full grown man. I found this a little off-putting at times. However, once I got past all that, I really enjoyed this book. The characters all seemed realistic and very human. The story revolves a lot around the narrator's relationship with his father and their love of football. The book mentioned football a little too much for my tastes, but a football fan may enjoy some of the trivia and tidbits in there. I most liked the love story between Pat and Tiffany, two broken people dealing with different life difficulties and struggling with bipolar disorder and depression, respectively. For those that have seen the movie, the book and the movie are *very* similar with just a few differences. I liked the book better than the movie though, because I felt the ending was more satisfying.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Darkly humorous. Apart time. Kenny G
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    Had some good bits.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    muy buena aplicación hay libros muy interesantes y utiles exelente
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    more like a 3.5.
    Matthew Quick does write about mental illness in a new light. I really do appreciate how supporting friends and family members are in his books. And I find his characters are very adorable and innocent, with their own mind sets. I don't think the plot of this book is mind blowing or unpredictable nor does the language beautiful, but it is a simple and honest view of struggling with mental illness and finding disclosure.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    I really enjoyed this story. I probably won't read the book again which is why I rated 4 stars.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    I think he could have done better explaining the complexities of mental illness. It's pretty simple to read as the narrator is recovering from a mental illness. I suppose I just expected more. I only finished it due to the fact that I've seen the movie. Average read.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Mixture of emotions. Depressing yet inspiring. I too suffer from depression so I can definitely relate to the emotions in this book.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    it was excellant. a real page turner! so moving and heartfelt!
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    El libro siempre sera mejor que la pelicula. 5 estrellas.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Never would have read this if it wasn't a scribd select and that would've been too bad. Excellent book.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    I really enjoy this movie and I must admit that I didn't always want to read the book, but I thought the book was better. At first I kept picturing characters as the actors and actresses that portrayed them in the movie, but about 60% through the book I could see they were uniquely different, and by the end Pat was just Pat, and there were Tiffany and Danny, and mom; no celebrities, just characters in the novel. I also enjoyed the details of the book that did not match the movie. I felt like I really understood Pat from reading the book. In the movie I only felt like I knew who Pat was. The book took me on an adventure with Pat through the movie of his life to find his happy ending; I felt as if the movie version fell short of this. Definitely found the book better than the movie, and it was a quick read for me.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    All I wanted to do was read this book. It was written in such a wonderful manner that I couldn't wait to find out what happened next. I hear the movie is just as good as the book although there are a lot of differences. I had no use for Pat's father as he was mean and quite unlikeable. Played by Robert Deniro in the movie, he is not portrayed this way.
    Now off to Redbox to get the DVD.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    I think this one was more disturbing than it was intended to be. Pat is in his mid-thirties and is just moving in with his parents after a long stint in a psych ward. There's a hidden past, obscured by Pat's delusions, child-like mind, and bursts of anger that keep others from talking about what's really going on. He is set up with a friend's sister in law, Tiffany, who has also lost her independence due to a breakdown. In her own strange way, she tries to draw him out. There's a quirky cast of characters lending a cutesy tone to the story that jars with the sadness. There is also an amazing amount of football going on.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    3.5 ⭐
    that ending ?♥️
    I started reading this book only because I was in a slump and needed something familiar to read expecting it be like the movie - which is one of my favourite movies of all times - but it was different , I did like it though .

    why not 5 ? will , first I'm not a sports fan I didn't enjoy all that football talk and skimmed through , second it kind of spoiled some classics I want to read , I now know how those books ended so that was not cool .
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    How human mind can move for his or her own sake

Book preview

The Silver Linings Playbook - Matthew Quick

An Infinite Amount of Days

Until My Inevitable Reunion

with Nikki

I don’t have to look up to know Mom is making another surprise visit. Her toenails are always pink during the summer months, and I recognize the flower design imprinted on her leather sandals; it’s what Mom purchased the last time she signed me out of the bad place and took me to the mall.

Once again, Mother has found me in my bathrobe, exercising unattended in the courtyard, and I smile because I know she will yell at Dr. Timbers, asking him why I need to be locked up if I’m only going to be left alone all day.

Just how many push-ups are you going to do, Pat? Mom says when I start a second set of one hundred without speaking to her.

Nikki—likes—a—man—with—a—developed—upper—body, I say, spitting out one word per push-up, tasting the salty sweat lines that are running into my mouth.

The August haze is thick, perfect for burning fat.

Mom just watches for a minute or so, and then she shocks me. Her voice sort of quivers as she says, Do you want to come home with me today?

I stop doing push-ups, turn my face up toward Mother’s, squint through the white noontime sun—and I can immediately tell she is serious, because she looks worried, as if she is making a mistake, and that’s how Mom looks when she means something she has said and isn’t just talking like she always does for hours on end whenever she’s not upset or afraid.

As long as you promise not to go looking for Nikki again, she adds, you can finally come home and live with me and your father until we find you a job and get you set up in an apartment.

I resume my push-up routine, keeping my eyes riveted to the shiny black ant scaling a blade of grass directly below my nose, but my peripheral vision catches the sweat beads leaping from my face to the ground below.

"Pat, just say you’ll come home with me, and I’ll cook for you and you can visit with your old friends and start to get on with your life finally. Please. I need you to want this. If only for me, Pat. Please."

Double-time push-ups, my pecs ripping, growing—pain, heat, sweat, change.

I don’t want to stay in the bad place, where no one believes in silver linings or love or happy endings, and where everyone tells me Nikki will not like my new body, nor will she even want to see me when apart time is over. But I am also afraid the people from my old life will not be as enthusiastic as I am now trying to be.

Even still, I need to get away from the depressing doctors and the ugly nurses—with their endless pills in paper cups—if I am ever going to get my thoughts straight, and since Mom will be much easier to trick than medical professionals, I jump up, find my feet, and say, I’ll come live with you just until apart time is over.

While Mom is signing legal papers, I take one last shower in my room and then fill my duffel bag with clothes and my framed picture of Nikki. I say goodbye to my roommate, Jackie, who just stares at me from his bed like he always does, drool running down off his chin like clear honey. Poor Jackie, with his random tufts of hair, oddly shaped head, and flabby body. What woman would ever love him?

He blinks at me. I take this for goodbye and good luck, so I blink back with both eyes—meaning double good luck to you, Jackie, which I figure he understands, since he grunts and bangs his shoulder against his ear like he does whenever he gets what you are trying to tell him.

My other friends are in music relaxation class, which I do not attend, because smooth jazz makes me angry sometimes. Thinking maybe I should say goodbye to the men who had my back while I was locked up, I look into the music-room window and see my boys sitting Indian style on purple yoga mats, their elbows resting on their knees, their palms pressed together in front of their faces, and their eyes closed. Luckily, the glass of the window blocks the smooth jazz from entering my ears. My friends look really relaxed—at peace—so I decide not to interrupt their session. I hate goodbyes.

In his white coat, Dr. Timbers is waiting for me when I meet my mother in the lobby, where three palm trees lurk among the couches and lounge chairs, as if the bad place were in Orlando and not Baltimore. Enjoy your life, he says to me—wearing that sober look of his—and shakes my hand.

Just as soon as apart time ends, I say, and his face falls as if I said I was going to kill his wife, Natalie, and their three blond-haired daughters—Kristen, Jenny, and Becky—because that’s just how much he does not believe in silver linings, making it his business to preach apathy and negativity and pessimism unceasingly.

But I make sure he understands that he has failed to infect me with his depressing life philosophies—and that I will be looking forward to the end of apart time. I say, Picture me rollin’ to Dr. Timbers, which is exactly what Danny—my only black friend in the bad place—told me he was going to say to Dr. Timbers when Danny got out. I sort of feel bad about stealing Danny’s exit line, but it works; I know because Dr. Timbers squints as if I had punched him in the gut.

As my mother drives me out of Maryland and through Delaware, past all those fast-food places and strip malls, she explains that Dr. Timbers did not want to let me out of the bad place, but with the help of a few lawyers and her girlfriend’s therapist—the man who will be my new therapist—she waged a legal battle and managed to convince some judge that she could care for me at home, so I thank her.

On the Delaware Memorial Bridge, she looks over at me and asks if I want to get better, saying, "You do want to get better, Pat. Right?"

I nod. I say, I do.

And then we are back in New Jersey, flying up 295.

As we drive down Haddon Avenue into the heart of Collingswood—my hometown—I see that the main drag looks different. So many new boutique stores, new expensive-looking restaurants, and well-dressed strangers walking the sidewalks that I wonder if this is really my hometown at all. I start to feel anxious, breathing heavily like I sometimes do.

Mom asks me what’s wrong, and when I tell her, she again promises that my new therapist, Dr. Patel, will have me feeling normal in no time.

When we arrive home, I immediately go down into the basement, and it’s like Christmas. I find the weight bench my mother had promised me so many times, along with the rack of weights, the stationary bike, dumbbells, and the Stomach Master 6000, which I had seen on late-night television and coveted for however long I was in the bad place.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I tell Mom, and give her a huge hug, picking her up off the ground and spinning her around once.

When I put her down, she smiles and says, Welcome home, Pat.

Eagerly I go to work, alternating between sets of bench presses, curls, machine sit-ups on the Stomach Master 6000, leg lifts, squats, hours on the bike, hydration sessions (I try to drink four gallons of water every day, doing endless shots of H2O from a shot glass for intensive hydration), and then there is my writing, which is mostly daily memoirs like this one, so that Nikki will be able to read about my life and know exactly what I’ve been up to since apart time began. (My memory started to slip in the bad place because of the drugs, so I began writing down everything that happens to me, keeping track of what I will need to tell Nikki when apart time concludes, to catch her up on my life. But the doctors in the bad place confiscated everything I wrote before I came home, so I had to start over.)

When I finally come out of the basement, I notice that all the pictures of Nikki and me have been removed from the walls and the mantel over the fireplace.

I ask my mother where these pictures went. She tells me our house was burglarized a few weeks before I came home and the pictures were stolen. I ask why a burglar would want pictures of Nikki and me, and my mother says she puts all of her pictures in very expensive frames. Why didn’t the burglar steal the rest of the family pictures? I ask. Mom says the burglar stole all the expensive frames, but she had the negatives for the family portraits and had them replaced. Why didn’t you replace the pictures of Nikki and me? I ask. Mom says she did not have the negatives for the pictures of Nikki and me, especially because Nikki’s parents had paid for the wedding pictures and had only given my mother copies of the photos she liked. Nikki had given Mom the other non-wedding pictures of us, and well, we aren’t in touch with Nikki or her family right now because it’s apart time.

I tell my mother that if that burglar comes back, I’ll break his kneecaps and beat him within an inch of his life, and she says, I believe you would.

My father and I do not talk even once during the first week I am home, which is not all that surprising, as he is always working—he’s the district manager for all the Big Foods in South Jersey. When Dad’s not at work, he’s in his study, reading historical fiction with the door shut, mostly novels about the Civil War. Mom says he needs time to get used to my living at home again, which I am happy to give him, especially since I am sort of afraid to talk with Dad anyway. I remember him yelling at me the only time he ever visited me in the bad place, and he said some pretty awful things about Nikki and silver linings in general. I see Dad in the hallways of our house, of course, but he doesn’t look at me when we pass.

Nikki likes to read, and since she always wanted me to read literary books, I start, mainly so I will be able to participate in the dinner conversations I had remained silent through in the past—those conversations with Nikki’s literary friends, all English teachers who think I’m an illiterate buffoon, which is actually a name Nikki’s friend calls me whenever I tease him about being such a tiny man. At least I’m not an illiterate buffoon, Phillip says to me, and Nikki laughs so hard.

My mom has a library card, and she checks out books for me now that I am home and allowed to read whatever I want without clearing the material with Dr. Timbers, who, incidentally, is a fascist when it comes to book banning. I start with The Great Gatsby, which I finish in just three nights.

The best part is the introductory essay, which states that the novel is mostly about time and how you can never buy it back, which is exactly how I feel regarding my body and exercise—but then again, I also feel as if I have an infinite amount of days until my inevitable reunion with Nikki.

When I read the actual story—how Gatsby loves Daisy so much but can’t ever be with her no matter how hard he tries—I feel like ripping the book in half and calling up Fitzgerald and telling him his book is all wrong, even though I know Fitzgerald is probably deceased. Especially when Gatsby is shot dead in his swimming pool the first time he goes for a swim all summer, Daisy doesn’t even go to his funeral, Nick and Jordan part ways, and Daisy ends up sticking with racist Tom, whose need for sex basically murders an innocent woman, you can tell Fitzgerald never took the time to look up at clouds during sunset, because there’s no silver lining at the end of that book, let me tell you.

I do see why Nikki likes the novel, as it’s written so well. But her liking it makes me worry now that Nikki doesn’t really believe in silver linings, because she says The Great Gatsby is the greatest novel ever written by an American, and yet it ends so sadly. One thing’s for sure, Nikki is going to be very proud of me when I tell her I finally read her favorite book.

Here’s another surprise: I’m going to read all the novels on her American literature class syllabus, just to make her proud, to let her know that I am really interested in what she loves and I am making a real effort to salvage our marriage, especially since I will now be able to converse with her swanky literary friends, saying things like, I’m thirty. I’m five years too old to lie to myself and call it honor, which Nick says toward the end of Fitzgerald’s famous novel, but the line works for me too, because I am also thirty, so when I say it, I will sound really smart. We will probably be chatting over dinner, and the reference will make Nikki smile and laugh because she will be so surprised that I have actually read The Great Gatsby. That’s part of my plan, anyway, to deliver that line real suave, when she least expects me to drop knowledge—to use another one of my black friend Danny’s lines.

God, I can’t wait.

He Does Not Preach Pessimism

My workout is interrupted midday, when Mom descends the basement stairs and says I have an appointment with Dr. Patel. I ask if I can go later that night, after I have completed my daily weights routine, but Mom says I’ll have to go back to the bad place in Baltimore if I do not keep my appointments with Dr. Patel, and she even references the court ruling, telling me I can read the paperwork if I don’t believe her.

So I shower, and then Mom drives me to Dr. Patel’s office, which is the first floor of a big house in Voorhees, just off Haddonfield–Berlin Road.

When we arrive, I take a seat in the waiting room as Mom fills out some more paperwork. By now, ten trees must have been cut down just to document my mental health, which Nikki will hate hearing, as she is an avid environmentalist who gave me at least one tree in the rain forest every Christmas—which was really only a piece of paper stating I owned the tree—and I do feel bad now for making fun of those gifts and won’t ever poke fun at the diminishing rain forest in the future when Nikki comes back.

As I sit there flipping through a Sports Illustrated, listening to the easy-listening station Dr. Patel pumps into his waiting room, suddenly I’m hearing sexy synthesizer chords, faint high-hat taps, the kick drum thumping out an erotic heartbeat, the twinkling of fairy dust, and then the evil bright soprano saxophone. You know the title: Songbird. And I’m out of my seat, screaming, kicking chairs, flipping the coffee table, picking up piles of magazines and throwing them against the wall, yelling, It’s not fair! I won’t tolerate any tricks! I’m not an emotional lab rat!

And then a small Indian man—maybe only five feet tall, wearing a cable-knit sweater in August, suit pants, and shiny white tennis shoes—is calmly asking me what’s wrong.

Turn off that music! I yell. Shut it off! Right now!

The tiny man is Dr. Patel, I realize, because he tells his secretary to turn off the music, and when she obeys, Kenny G is out of my head and I stop yelling.

I cover my face with my hands so no one will see me crying, and after a minute or so, my mother begins rubbing my back.

So much silence—and then Dr. Patel asks me into his office. I follow him reluctantly as Mom helps the secretary clean up the mess I made.

His office is pleasantly strange.

Two leather recliners face each other, and spider-looking plants—long vines full of white-and-green leaves—hang down from the ceiling to frame the bay window that overlooks a stone birdbath and a garden of colorful flowers. But there is absolutely nothing else in the room except a box of tissues on the short length of floor between the recliners. The floor is a shiny yellow hardwood, and the ceiling and walls are painted to look like the sky—real-looking clouds float all around the office, which I take as a good omen, since I love clouds. A single light occupies the center of the ceiling, like a glowing upside-down vanilla-icing cake, but the ceiling around the light is painted to look like the sun. Friendly rays shoot out from the center.

I have to admit I feel calm as soon as I enter Dr. Patel’s office and do not really mind anymore that I heard the Kenny G song.

Dr. Patel asks me which recliner I want to relax in. I pick the black over the brown and immediately regret my decision, thinking that choosing black makes me seem more depressed than if I had chosen brown, and really, I’m not depressed at all.

When Dr. Patel sits down, he pulls the lever on the side of his chair, which makes the footrest rise. He leans back and laces his fingers behind his tiny head, as if he were about to watch a ball game.

Relax, he says. And no Dr. Patel. Call me Cliff. I like to keep sessions informal. Friendly, right?

He seems nice enough, so I pull my lever, lean back, and try to relax.

So, he says. The Kenny G song really got to you. I can’t say I’m a fan either, but …

I close my eyes, hum a single note, and silently count to ten, blanking my mind.

When I open my eyes, he says, You want to talk about Kenny G?

I close my eyes, hum a single note, and silently count to ten, blanking my mind.

Okay. Want to tell me about Nikki?

Why do you want to know about Nikki? I say, too defensively, I admit.

"If I am going to help you, Pat, I need to know you, right? Your mother tells me you wish to be reunited with Nikki, that this is your biggest life goal—so I figure we best start

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