But Dad

Prologue

In pondering the title, I thought of various witty or apt catch phrases that would somehow give the reader a clue to the tone and subject matter of its content. Names such as Tales from the Crib, Crayons to Car Keys, Toy Box Chronicles, Parenthood aka Utter Chaos, and Daddy’s Rollercoaster surfaced, but none seemed to capture the essence of But Dad.

One day while reprimanding my children, I realized that most of the retorts, explanations, and excuses for their questionable behavior began with, But Dad! Was this phrase a required part of speech I somehow missed in English101?

A windfall of words used to defend, justify, or rationalize their behavior, no matter the situation, always follows, But Dad. Regardless of how articulate or well thought out their excuses may be, my brain simply processes these sounds as, Blah, blah, blah, lame excuse...blah, blah, blah, misdirecting blame...blah, blah, blah, empty reasoning…blah, blah, blah, grasping for straws…blah, blah, blah, I am lazy and immature and want to get my way…blah, blah, blah. But, Dad, you just don’t get it…

Now and again, I am actually impressed with the creative thought process used to defend their unacceptable behavior, and on rare occasion, they actually bring up some logical points. Nonetheless, my brain usually tunes out and all I hear is, But Dad! Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…

Introduction

Ah, Yes, Parenthood

The most rewarding and challenging journey we as humans can undertake. A journey filled with great joys, frustrations, victories, losses, tears, and laughter. Being a parent has been an integral part of my life, and life my friends, should be lived well and to its fullest. I know, how profound, yet how very true.

I began jotting down some of my parental experiences and reflections when my son Shane was nineteen years old. At the time, my daughters Corin and Tori were only four and two. Yes, I know, that's quite a gap. Consequently, this created a two-front war, each with its own unique set of challenges and tests. Regardless, I find abounding joy and happiness in my role as a father and each experience with my children is precious beyond words.

Those of you who are parents may chuckle and smile while reading certain passages, as you relate to similar experiences, and those without offspring may scratch your heads in bewilderment and disbelief. However, people about to become parents may very well have second thoughts by book’s end.

Chip Off the Old Block

I obtained custody of my son Shane, when he was thirteen years old. It was a long awaited, eagerly anticipated event. I’m not sure either of us really knew what to expect. I thought I did, but as time passed, it became apparent I was sorely mistaken. It didn’t help matters that prior to obtaining custody our father/son relationship was solely based on being buds, hanging out and having fun.

Unfortunately, I was only able to spend limited amounts of time with him during his very early years. He lived in Boston. I lived in Detroit and I was not involved in Shane’s day-to-day life; I was frustrated, but what could I do?

He was a Momma’s boy, however, now that I had custody things were about to change. I believed he needed a father in his life. He needed guy time, guy experiences, and yes, guy discipline.

The first lesson I had to learn; I could not be Shane’s best friend all of the time. I also had to be a good father. In other words, I quickly discovered the dad role had to supersede the buddy role. It was a steep learning curve.

I love Shane dearly, always have, and always will. Nevertheless, after obtaining custody I spent the next six years looking back on my own life at his age, Was I ever that dumb? I mean really? Then friends and family would remind me, Hey Jay, remember what you were like as a teenager? Yeah, I know, but was I really THAT stupid? Wait – don’t answer that!

Discipline

My son truly believed that I took great pleasure in reprimanding him, and according to him, this stood shoulder to shoulder with absolute bliss. The truth is son; I found no joy in it and would have happily given up the endless nights of indigestion and sleeplessness, not to mention the nervous twitch I recently acquired.

Shane, I've repeatedly explained, in spite of those wonderful benefits, I would not be fulfilling my obligation as a father if I did not point out every instance you've acted like a total moron!

I have learned and maintained a new level of patience, imagined by many and achieved by few. If Shane acted lazy or immature, I would patiently talk with him pointing out a solution and suggest a course of action. However, if he had a sudden burst of testosterone and decided to get mouthy or cocky, we reverted to the alpha male approach, which works well with sons by the way, but is less affective with daughters.

I always tried to be honest and to the point, Let’s break this down, Shane. I have been on this earth some, uh, forty odd years, right? You’ve been here how long? So logically if I don’t know more than you by now, then I AM a complete idiot!

The Great Liar

Shane was an AWFUL liar, and regardless of how many times I pointed this out to him, or caught him in blatant lies, he still chose to lumber down the path that so often failed him. However, there is something to say about his consistency. Here’s a typical exchange…

Me: So you spent the night at Jack’s

last night.

Shane: Yes Dad, I spent the night at Jacks.

Me: His parents were home and they were

ok with it?

Shane: Oh, yes Dad.

Me: Why didn’t you call me to let me know

this?

Shane: Oh, ya…uh…I tried to, but the

answering machine must be screwing up and

it was getting pretty late.

Me: Okay, but don’t let this happen again.

Shane: Oh, okay Dad!

Me: By the way, Jack’s dad just called here

looking for him. Apparently, he spent the

night with us. Oh, did I mention, his dad

wants him to call home. And, by the way,

you’re grounded!

Book Smart Street Stupid

Shane is a brilliant kid, and far exceeds me on so many levels, but his biggest hurdle was lack of motivation, a common trait with teenagers.

God love him though! He was (and is) very book smart, but not very shrewd (no street smarts). However, slowly but surely (emphasis on slowly), he began to gain a bit of common sense.

With that in mind, this is how I would describe Shane to others:  My son would drive up to a tree. He would look at it, explain what type of tree it was, and indicate how long it had graced the face of the earth. Then he would tell you how big the root base needed to be in order to support the weight of said tree and then he would put the car into gear and drive directly into it.

Ah, he knows I love him, but I poke fun at everyone (including myself), a fact Shane quickly discovered at an early age. Sorry folks, but there’s not much room for sensitivity at our house.

Off The Phone

While sitting at the kitchen table one evening calculating the monthly bills, (which incidentally is not my definition of fun), I yell to Shane, Get off the phone! It’s late and you’ve got school in the morning! (Ah, there I go again, relishing in the achievement of that blissful feeling.) Okay Dad, replied my son, I'm going to take a quick shower and hit the hay.

I continue with the bills, and sure enough, I hear the familiar sound of running water and a reverberating fan, so I let out a small sigh of relief.

Five minutes later I notice the phone receiver is mysteriously absent from the charger, so I decide to investigate and as I approach the bathroom door, I hear muffled sounds of chitter-chatter. Hmmm… I wonder, and quietly and oh so stealthily, unlock the bathroom door from the outside (yes, you may address me as MacGyver).

Upon entering the bathroom, I open the shower curtain only to unveil a fully clothed teenager standing in the bathtub, water running and phone in hand. He stood suspended in time, a shocked expression etched across his face; caught red-handed! Still holding the phone to his ear, his only words were, I gotta go!

The Rooster Crows

My oldest daughter Corin, still recalls a particular event, which occurred when she was only two years old (that amazes me in itself).

Shane was sixteen years old and the hardest thing he had to do was get out of bed for school each morning. His inability to rise and shine was becoming a major issue, thus setting a scene for many an early morning battle. It was time to make a stand.

One morning after giving Shane three opportunities to join the world of the living, I discretely entered my son’s room with his little sister as my accomplice; and trust me, the act of dumping a large glass of icy, cold water on a teenager in sleepy land is a sure fire way to wake him from the grips of slumber!

After that and on more than one occasion, his little sister would try to coax me into an encore. Dad, can we go pour water on Shane again? She finds the incident very amusing and often brings it up in front of her brother’s friends and potential girlfriends.

But Dad, This Is My Last Summer

I had a job lined up for Shane with a friend of mine who did landscaping. It was the summer before his senior year of high school. However, Shane had different ideas…

He decided not to work, and didn't even apply for a part-time job. According to him, this was to be the last summer he could just enjoy himself. I later discovered the true meaning of that proclamation; translated it meant, Lying around, and sleeping in my room.

I felt righteous lecturing him, and believe me, there were more than a few. In fact, the one I gave him that June should have won a Father Knows Best award.

I brought up all the material things, that would be very important to him as a young adult:   a car as well as the expenses that go along with it - gas, maintenance, insurance, etc., everything cost money. I actually nabbed his attention and thought I was doing well, so began firing a series of questions at him.

What about the prom Shane? Do you want to go to prom? Wanna go to college?, then added, Girls cost money ya know, Dineros! You think your date’s gonna settle for a ride on your bicycle and a happy meal? Get it? Almighty greenbacks!

Try as I might, my son simply stared at me with a deer in headlights expression. I should have grabbed a pocket watch and tried to hypnotize him, but that would have undoubtedly failed as well, for I’m a firm believer that the best lessons in life are the ones hardest learned.

So what was the outcome of that conversation?

What little money he had saved from past part-time jobs was gone by late August.

Resistance is futile...

Singing the Blues

As parents, we worry about protecting our kids from everything. However, a kid’s worst enemy, and the most difficult to protect them from, are the kids themselves.

When Shane entered his senior year, he was frequently surprised and often angered, over my repeated warnings, regarding what would occur, and what indeed DID transpire. Yes, I'm talking about the familiar, I told you so!

By mid-year, he was singing the financial blues, and he would have been the perfect opening act for BB King!

He made me want to laugh and cry at the same time.

As parents, we try to teach our children through the experiences and reflections of our own trials and tribulations, helping them to see the light and in turn saving them the pain of learning lessons the hard way. However, in the end you can only accomplish so much. All you can really do is build a foundation and steer them into the right direction, without totally alienating them. In addition, and it certainly can’t hurt, you pray to God that the other ninety-five percent of their brain will soon kick in.

Dad, Have You Ever…

Shortly after Shane moved in with my wife (now my ex-wife) and me, she became pregnant with my oldest daughter, Corin.

Under those circumstances, we thought it was best to add a bathroom and bedroom in the basement for Shane. Mind you, I am an electrician by trade, but I was confident I could fudge through most of the other aspects of constructing this addition. I was ready to tackle the task, but was a bit overwhelmed conducting this primarily by, ME, MYSELF and I!

I learned that installing a toilet, sink and shower in the basement would require breaking up a great deal of the floor for drainpipes. The only practical way to do this was to score the concrete with a water concrete circular saw, but even with the water, the dust would permeate the entire house; lovely, just lovely!

I had to break the concrete with a sledgehammer and haul the waste up the stairs and into my pick-up truck with five-gallon buckets; I wasn’t having much fun!

Initially, Shane displayed great enthusiasm and was eager to help me with this project for of course, he would