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    Dumb Deutsch
    Dumb Deutsch
    Dumb Deutsch
    Ebook93 pages56 minutes

    Dumb Deutsch

    By Hermann Observer

    3.5/5

    ()

    Read preview

    About this ebook

    Have you ever ordered cheese made of liver? Have you ever told your cab driver your hotel is located on One-Way Street? I doubt it. But foreign speakers trying to speak German say bizarre things like this all the time and I, for one, feel their pain. Acutely, even. They are unintentionally speaking Dumb Deutsch. And they have no one else to blame but themselves.

    It is not that those of us who speak Dumb Deutsch actually intend to say the embarrassing and dumbfounding things we do. It doesn’t matter what we intend to do. It is inevitable. And it became inevitable the moment we decided to start speaking “that awful German language” in the first place. And please note the fine distinction here: Although very closely related, German and Dumb Deutsch are two entirely different languages.

    The German language is complex, treacherous and terribly difficult to learn. It has three sexes, for crying out loud. It has four or five or maybe even six cases (I forget). It is full of pitfalls, perils, strange idioms and ludicrous aphorisms. There are always one or two super-important exceptions for every iron-clad grammatical rule given. There are insanely long words and even longer sentences, compound words that get chopped up and tossed around indiscriminately and unimaginable word combinations that native German speakers seemingly construct and then discard again at will. Then you have those tricky nuances and complex distinctions, the false friends, the twisted Anglicisms, the weird breathing noises and all of those quaint expressions alluding to pigs and shit.

    Dumb Deutsch, on the other hand, is relatively straightforward and can be learned in about fifteen minutes. This is because Dumb Deutsch speakers are completely unaware of all of those pesky German language complexities just listed above. And this is of course also why when it is spoken correctly, as in incorrectly, Dumb Deutsch is a never-ending source of confusion, mirth, shame, shock and horror for the German captive audience being forced to listen to it.

    So please sit back and enjoy this short collection of bloodcurdling blunders, frightful faux pas and grisly gaffes, all in the Dumb Deutsch original. Many of these were mistakes I made all on my own. Many more have been contributed by friends and acquaintances. Numerous others were found surfing the Internet and reading about them elsewhere.

    For the sake of fairness, a number of ridiculous errors Germans make when trying to speak English have also been included.

    Bitte beachten: Diese Sammlung von peinlichen Ausrutschern und haarsträubenden Fehltritten ist selbstverständlich auch für deutsche Leser geeignet.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherHermann O.
    Release dateAug 31, 2014
    ISBN9781311065674
    Dumb Deutsch
    Author

    Hermann Observer

    Dazed and confused about Germany in general and Berlin in particular, Hermann O. (AKA Hermann Observer, AKA Clarsonimus Maximus, AKA Clarsonimus) is a mean, nasty and cynical old expat American who observes the world around him in quiet desperation.

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      Book preview

      Dumb Deutsch - Hermann Observer

      DUMB DEUTSCH

      By Hermann Observer

      Text Copyright

      © 2023 by Hermann O.

      All rights reserved.

      No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without prior permission in writing from the author.

      Although the author and publisher have made every effort to ensure that the information in this book was correct at press time, the author and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or omissions, whether such errors or omissions result from negligence, accident, or any other cause.

      Dedication

      This book is dedicated to the first German Internet engineer who invents a way to transmit Kaffee und Kuchen over standard TCP/IP.

      Table of Contents

      Preface

      Fun with Food

      Germans have Fun with Food too

      Embarrassing Sex Stuff

      Embarrassing Sex Stuff for Germans

      Miscellaneous Mix-ups

      German Mix-ups in English

      False Friends and Literal Translations

      Germans have False Friends too

      Cool German Words that Don’t Exist

      Cool English Words Invented by Germans that do Exist

      Bonus Track: German Pig Sayings (just a few)

      About the Author

      Preface

      Have you ever ordered liver cheese? Have you ever told your cab driver that your hotel is located on One-Way Street? I doubt it. But English speakers trying to speak German say bizarre things like this all the time and I, for one, feel their pain. Acutely, even. They are speaking Dumb Deutsch. And they have no one else to blame but themselves.

      It is not that those of us who speak Dumb Deutsch actually intend to say the embarrassing and dumbfounding things we do. We don’t need to. It is inevitable. And it became inevitable the moment we decided to try speaking that awful German language to begin with. And please note the fine distinction here: Although very closely related, German and Dumb Deutsch are two entirely different languages.

      The German language is complex, treacherous and terribly difficult to learn. It has three sexes, for crying out loud. It has four or five or maybe even six cases (I forget). It is full of pitfalls, perils, strange idioms and ludicrous aphorisms. There are always one or two super-important exceptions for every iron-clad grammatical rule given. There are insanely long words and even longer sentences, compound words that get chopped up and tossed around indiscriminately and unimaginable word combinations that native German speakers seemingly construct and then discard again at will. Then you have those tricky nuances, those complex distinctions, the false friends, the twisted Anglicisms, those weird noises and all of those strange expressions referring to pigs and shit.

      Dumb Deutsch, on the other hand, is relatively straightforward and can be learned in about fifteen minutes. This is because Dumb Deutsch speakers are completely unaware of all those pesky German language complexities just listed above. And this is also why when it is spoken correctly, as in incorrectly, Dumb Deutsch is a never-ending source of confusion, mirth, shame, shock and horror for the German captive audience being forced to listen to it.

      So please sit back and enjoy this short collection of bloodcurdling blunders, frightful faux pas and grisly gaffes, all in the Dumb Deutsch original. Many of these were mistakes I made all on my own. Many more have been contributed by friends and acquaintances. Numerous others were found surfing the Internet

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