Lady Problems: The Nigerian-Nordic Girl's Guide
By Faith Adiele
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Lady Problems - Faith Adiele
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Copyright © 2013 by Faith Adiele
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission.
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Cover illustration by Alicia Buelow
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The Nigerian-Nordic Girl’s Guide to
LADY PROBLEMS
The Igbo always remembered that the dead ancestors lay
reverently buried in the earth… That which was a source and
cradle of life… that which produced and nourished and laid to rest,
could be none other than a woman. Hence the earth was conceived
of as feminine and gentle, benign and serene.
—Chieka Ifemesia, Traditional Humane Living Among the Igbo
Though the four or five tumors inside my womb (one the size of a grapefruit) are supposedly benign, their behavior is not as friendly as the word suggests. It’s difficult not to interpret their actions as downright hateful. One shoves angrily at my back, forcing me to sleep upright against a bank of pillows, like a princess. Another hunkers against my bladder, malicious, sending me constantly loping for the bathroom to strain and strain. Two clutch high, one churning whenever I eat, the other morose as a prisoner, twisting on its stalk and cutting off its own blood supply. The unconfirmed fifth one waits on the bench, ready to go in if any of the first string tires.
They’re not only angry but slightly mad, the result of a single cell gone awry that keeps reproducing itself. Enamored of its smooth musculature, its beauty reflected in white on the glistening pink walls of my uterus, it creates an entire veined community to keep itself company, a family of narcissists. Me, me, me! I wonder if I am to blame somehow. The Selfish Artist, Independent Woman. Worse still, I’m my mother’s only child. The irony of their presence, the fact that their actions mimic those of a fetus, is not lost on me, the Single Girl Writer. Modern Career Woman gives birth to something less than useful.
I didn’t come to graduate school, almost ten years after finding my unknown father and siblings in Nigeria, to get tumors (one the