64 Year Old Baby

64 Year Old Baby

By John Fredrick Carver

Copyright John Fredrick Carver 2015

64 Year Old Baby

PART I

Testimony of a 64 Year Old Baby

Chapter 1: Who I Am

I am that I am. Therefore that I am comes from God. That I was not was not before God. I AM THAT I AM allowed me to be according to human decision in the beginning. I know a man that is, but will not be soon, and never will be again. And that man I was not, still is for a little while, but will not be again was a physical being. But in that I would become that I am, will be and will never cease to be though for a short time I am still with that one that will not be when at last I see God to be for ever and ever; that is I am with him in this physical body; as all that he was is changed into all I ever was I can now say, I am, even what he once was, though he was a spirit dying since his initial corruption only to be made alive again by his conversion, the end of his being; its death. He is even at this moment like a dead spirit possessing this physical body he shares with me until such time all that he ever was has become that I am from physical birth to this present time onward to the point I shed this cocoon we share and experience the metamorphosis of my being that has shed the physical and become spiritual, body and all in my entirety. This is not my memoirs therefore, but the fact of my being as I metamorphose from that he was to all that I am, but then in the past now being changed, the following is also true of me yet for a short time at least:

I was not. Then I was. Just like everything God ever made. I was made to be part of it and allowed to be that I was in it which was all that God intended I should have been all along, even as the mere spiritual being I would become in my mother's womb wherein I was like anyone else whether by the decision of human beings or by the will of God, created like Jesus of Nazareth or allowed to be like everyone else, except Man and Woman whose descendants have been allowed to have children since the time of their creation on earth in Eden after they left banished to this earth we shared.

All except Man and Woman were like a blank page before a skillful Writer in the womb and even Man and Woman were that at one time also, even as Jesus of Nazareth was once while in Mary's womb. Our thoughts are not our own anymore than God's thoughts are our thoughts.

Can a fetus decide what to feel? He can only react to stimuli, the manifold greatness of the love of God. If it wasn't for God the fetus he was, would have been nothing for ever and ever and like everything else they were either created by God or they were allowed by God to come into existence with God; being real, true and proof of the nature of God from the moment he knew of their coming onward to all they became; good.

But they are not all physical. You may look for the physical body of a baby not born because of human decisions whether by birth control; that is from nocturnal emissions, masturbation or onanism, progressive evils all the way to full birth abortion; but you will not find it to be a physically living being. Yet they live. They speak to us and to those that have attempted to cut them off from being, an act of hatred existing in the evil will of humanity, not God. There is no more love in nocturnal emissions, masturbation, onanism and birth control than in full term abortions. All are evil. All are murder.

What God created, allows to exist or has ordained or allowed beforehand, exists as evidence of the sinfulness of humanity. The Devil need not accuse us before God. We know we are guilty of that sin. May holy God forgive you and me if we have been party to any of it, whether by participating in it or allowing it to occur among us. There is no one among us that is guiltless, except Jesus Christ who was, then was not physically among us, then was God physically with us, and now is not physically among us any longer either, but will again be among us in the last day.

But just because something or some one is not physically with us, does not mean they do not exist, or that they are actually not with us in spirit the same as they are with God whether murdered or taken by God because they were with God all their lives, regardless of how brief or how very long that life was whether cut off even before conception or taken like Enoch and Elijah.

Among humans, Adam yet lives and so does that fetus screaming as the abortionist's forceps crush its scull and he or she screams either physically and, or spiritually to God and to us in protest in his or her innocence that is at this very moment being murdered, whether good like holy God or evil like the Devil.

All that are, are that they are. And a sensitive soul may hear them, feel their anguish and their pain whether it is the remorse of Adam, the conceit of the Devil or the physical or spiritual pain in the innocence of the aborted and the extreme goodness of those prevented from ever having a physical form or viable conception, those like Onan's child that would have resulted from the sexual union between him and Tamar, or those murdered by the least affective contraceptive or operation known to humanity.

Are they not? You know that they are. Holy God, forgive us. Amen.

For all I know all of my own children are among them. Not one of them survived if there would have been any. I do not know for I may be infertile. Forgive us, Almighty God. Amen.

Several of my own siblings, whether brothers or sisters I don't know at present, but one day I will know those martyrs, had their physical bodies destroyed by a coat hanger before pills were invented to do it with greater effectiveness and with lesser risk to their mother; my own mother also.

Therefore I ask, Let us declare a day of mourning for the prevented among us, a moment of silence before holy God in which we admit we have been convicted of such crimes and have been affected by such sins; and let us change our minds, ask forgiveness of any our sins have wronged and refuse to be participants in any of that ever again for ever and ever in love for them lest we be deemed evil; demons to them, even on the New Earth, in Heaven, in his Church, and during our worship despite our prayers for ever and ever, now that we are convicted and know that God has shared with me and now with you also. If you read this, you are no longer ignorant of something you now realize was true though hidden in your heart with the rest of the truths of God and convicted you felt guilt as God had intended it, didn't you? You know that you did once. Even so let it be, dear LORD. Let it be.

As a writer I know firsthand the potential of a blank page. Consider the page Moses wrote the word translated from the language he wrote it in to be the word In... in English that was also the beginning of the holy Scriptures. But God did not allow him to be prevented, his conception did occur, he was born, his physical form housing his spirit was among the ancient Hebrews, Midianites and Egyptians and God shared the beginning of the Scriptures with us through his writing instrument, though actually it was the writer of Job many years before Egypt was even a nation wherein Scripture began and later then was remembered and included in Scripture.

Praise God for his memory! Holy God remembers every one of us he intended to give physical being. He remembers everyone one of us murdered by anything even nocturnal emissions all the way through full birth abortion, everyone of us abused or neglected to the point of their physical demise, every martyr and every one whose spirit was destroyed by any evil of any kind. Will he not restore them whether here or in the New Earth beyond without end?

Are they not angels, messengers testifying of the goodness and love God intended to lavish on us? They would be angels sent from humanity to God, but God does not accept our evil in the form of messengers from us. Are they not rather blessings like presents we refused from our God and that we murdered, that were murdered by evil men and women that had their spirits destroyed by devils to become demons in human form or inhabiting the physical bodies of human beings, and also those that were killed by activities we were not meant to ever be involved in that are so dangerous they plucked the lives of those that loved and were loved from among us or even those yet in their evil that would have been so and done so, despite any evil?

Do not give up on God.

In my case for example I dwelt 64 ½ years in this evil world and grew up in a Godless environment and was at last freed from all evil by a patient loving God that cast out the dead spirit that had possessed me for so long I thought I was him. But I do not consider the difficult time spent in that evil a waste of time, that would be evil; loveless, unrighteous, and not of God to whom I look for the completion of my salvation as anyone else that knows the true and real God, being surrounded by him in whom I take my being and in his love.

I am forever grateful as indeed anyone like me or you who really knows God should be or are, for to be less is to be evil and evil cannot know God the way those I am speaking to also do. Were I thus as I am now, the last moment of my physical life would I not also be grateful? Would not everything I thought, said and did before that be to my shame and to God's glory the same as you? Who ever to finally realize what we have realized, does not consider it the same?

Let us then have one more moment of silence for those that never did, do not now and never did realize that as they descended into the lake of burning sulfur in their end. Then let us forget them for they never really were from God, created by God, or ever even really had the potential to be anything beyond the point they became like the Devil, the false prophet and the beast that was called the anti-Christ; all of whom were merely a bad dream even God has chosen not to remember since they have no further place not only in heaven but in reality any longer, anymore than they ever really did.

There is nothing to remember of them. How can we or even God remember that? He has chosen to render that impossible even for him. They were not, then they were but they became the fiction they allowed themselves of their own accord to become and not just fiction, but a fiction so horrible even they would no longer desire to hear of their part in the Devil's lies, for the Devil himself has only remorse for ever, for having once come up with it in the end also. Wasted imaginings no one, not even they care to hear of ever again for ever and ever; nothing!

Praise Almighty God for his ultimate mercy in their case had there been one in the end. All the glory be to God. Everything glorified God even their horrific fiction by contrasting itself to the truth of reality the only thing besides himself God never needed to create. Praise God! For to Almighty God is all the glory!

Chapter 2: Mental Disorder

He was born into extreme poverty in Gemmel, Minnesota in 1951, in ancient times to many of you I am sure, it being over 64 years ago at the time of this writing. He was the eleventh son of his father and the seventh son of his mother which is nothing to me, but seemed to always have had some unexplainable significance to him who is not to be with us long at the time of this testimony. He was also the next to the youngest of the 20 children his father claimed as his own though there are rumors of others born to his father in adulterous relationships he was somewhat notorious for having had.

His mother had ample reason to practice abortion then by means of a coat hanger that punctured several fetuses, my siblings, not to mention it left her womb with many scars from punctures to the sides of it. These siblings were passed from life to death before birth and came out not unlike any ordinary miscarriage. They were so numerous and fostered so much guilt in my mother's soul she bore the exact number of her victims in her heart in secret with her the entire way to her grave.

May she be in Heaven forgiven and joyful at this very moment. If anyone had their spirit tried to the point of murdering the unborn she certainly did. My heart went out to her when she was physically among us, but now it is my great hope that God in his mercy has her surrounded by all of her children that may have preceded her and the several that have followed since her demise from complications due to Alzheimer's disease in the year 2001 at 93 years of age.

My father, may the one-not-long-to-be-with-us' suspicions of his spiritual place at the present be in error. Dad died at the age of 88 years in 1983, preceded in death by his first wife, a stillborn infant plus two little ones lost in a house fire, their older sister to Hodgkin's disease and possibly another older daughter murdered in Washington State.

My father lived through and often boasted about a very sinful existence that brought him into a deep depression in his later years. But the one soon not to be with us had the privilege of comforting him to whatever extent he managed to do it in his father's old age. I think he loved that one for that, as much as any aged sinner may. He had a big, soft, heart and often said he was proud of that one I am not, but it seemed to come not only when he did something good or admirable, but also when that one showed a particular likeness to the sinful life his father once led which gave his father a real charge and sent him deep into that which resembles joyful reveling when it comes from the heart of such a man.

Despite all the condemnation heaped on his father from his other children and others that knew of him, he seemed a moral man throughout much of the time I remember him and definitely in his latter years until the time he was dying. At the time when he was afraid of dying during his last days on earth he asked that one I am not what he should do. It was that one's opportunity to witness to him for that one knew all the right words, yet something, perhaps that evil dead spirit that possessed him, or embarrassment, may he never know, but it is possible that perhaps it was God who prevented him. Whatever was the cause it also caused guilt in that one's soul for many years for it was something he had not intended not to do and yet he didn't do it as one sins and craves forgiveness for what sin has done and not themselves to begin with, but with sin itself having actually been the culprit.

My father had led a very hard life and any trust he may have once had in God was lost when two of his little ones were lost in a house fire on a poverty stricken farm near Northome, Minnesota, years before the one I am not was born, a thing he never forgave God for and a thing he never stopped knowing was far more his fault than God's since the man he blamed for starting the fire was one of his many victims, cheated in a crooked deal involving an old car. His father thought that particular victim had retaliated in that manner until the very time of his demise many years