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    The Government Manual for New Wizards
    The Government Manual for New Wizards
    The Government Manual for New Wizards
    Ebook193 pages1 hour

    The Government Manual for New Wizards

    By Matthew David Brozik and Jacob Sager Weinstein

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    About this ebook

    The comedic duo behind The Government Manual for New Superheroes is back, and this time they've brought their magic wands and enchanted artifacts.

    The Government Manual for New Wizards is a hilarious, mock-official handbook for wannabe witches and warlocks who need advice on recognizing the onset of wizardolescence, understanding the laws of magic (and the magic of laws), choosing (or being chosen by) the right magical items and enchanted artifacts, dealing with the dead (grateful and otherwise), successfully hosting magical exhibitions, and the proper care and feeding of magical creatures.

    Wands, charms, cloaks of invisibility, shoes of stealth (or sneakers), and other otherworldly accoutrements--it's all here, discussed tongue-in-cheek but with the utmost Governmental authority.

    This entertaining guide offers such sage advice as:

    * A demon is just as afraid of you as you are of it--provided, of course, that you are eight feet tall, composed of living fire, and capable of destroying a small village with a single angry thought. Otherwise, it doesn't find you frightening at all.

    * When selecting educational programs, do not be tempted by solicitations from wizardry parchment mills. A so-called degree from such a place is not worth the scroll on which it appears to be inscribed. The ink will disappear not long after the school itself does.

    The Government Manual for New Wizards is a sidesplitting spoof of all things wizard-y. 

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherAndrews McMeel Publishing
    Release dateJan 1, 2009
    ISBN9780740789120
    The Government Manual for New Wizards

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      Book preview

      The Government Manual for New Wizards - Matthew David Brozik

      Also by

      Matthew David Brozik and

      Jacob Sager Weinstein

      The Government Manual

      for New Superheroes

      The Government Manual for New Wizards copyright © 2006 by Matthew David Brozik and Jacob Sager Weinstein. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews. For information, write Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC, an Andrews McMeel Universal company, 1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106.

      E-ISBN: 978-0-7407-8912-0

      Library of Congress Control Number: 2005932607

      www.andrewsmcmeel.com

      Cover Design by Kevin Brimmer

      ATTENTION: SCHOOLS AND BUSINESSES

      Andrews McMeel books are available at quantity discounts with bulk purchase for educational, business, or sales promotional use. For information, please write to: Special Sales Department, Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC, 1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106.

      specialsales@amuniversal.com

      Dedication

      In compliance with magical laws permitting certain honors to be granted only to the most enchanting citizens, this work is dedicated with love to Barbara Shansky and Lauren Sager Weinstein.

      Acknowledgments

      The Government tips its conical cap to the following for helping to conjure and disseminate this tome and its predecessor:

      Robert the Shepard;

      Lane the Butler; and

      Gregory the Moore.

      The Government raises its wand in salute to the wizards who read and commented on the first draft: He Who Must Be Named Melvyn Sherer, Shih Who Must Be Named Lucinda, and They Who Must Be Named Rob Kutner, Sheryl Zohn, and Doug Molitor.

      The Government gives a special whisk of its broom to the members of the Subcommittee on Encouragement and Support:

      The Broziks: Cary (the Retired), Linda (the Lovely), Wade (the Mischievous), and Adam (the Musical);

      The Weinsteins, Sagers, Rings, and Feldmans: Harris, Rosa, Dennis, Jeanni, Teme, Jeff, Josh, Lisa, Deborah, Michael, Jill, Simcha, Benyamin, Simon, and Molly (collectively, the Too Many to Give Clever Individual Appellations To).

      Contents

      Prefatory Communication from Herbert Dunn, Registrar of Enchanted Persons

      Prolegomenon

      CHAPTER ONE: The Onset of Wizardry

      Wizardolescence

      When Does Wizardry Begin?

      Am I Normal?

      Physical Changes

       Wizard, or What?

      Birthmarks and What They Mark You For

       Marks That Are Not Magical

      Scars

      Changes in Your Brain

      Hearing Voices

      Seeing Visions

      Remembering Things That Never Happened

      Making Things Move, Explode, Melt, etc., Without Even Touching Them

      Diet and Exercise

      Wizard Training

      Accredited Schools

      Apprenticeships

      Distance Learning

       How to Recognize Fly-by-Moonlight Operations

      Financial Aid

      Leaving the Nest (On a Wing and a Spell)

      CHAPTER TWO: The Laws of Magic, the Magic of Laws

      Asimov’s Three Laws of Magic

       The Big Spooky Bang Theory of Magic

      Types of Magic

      Methods of Casting Magic

      Magic Spells

      Charms

      SASEs

       Science Tricks—Don’t Be Fooled!

      The Registrar of Enchanted Persons

      Preventing Undesirable Activities

      Illicit Magical Substances

      Involuntary Transubstantiation, Insubstantiation, or Ratiocination

      Magical Fraud

       Wizards Prison: Myths and Truths

      Thwarting the Schemes of Evil Sorcerers

       A Note to Young Readers

      Encouraging Socially Responsible Magical Behavior

      Saving It for Marriage

      The Urban Thaumaturgy Initiative

      Magical Addiction Prevention

      Staying on the Right Side of the Law

      Annual Safety Inspection for Brooms

       Haven’t You Heard?

      Licensing Requirements for Witch Doctors

      Filing Your Enchantment Taxes

       The Motto of the IRS’s Magical Affairs Branch

       The Philosopher’s Stone

      Consulting a Magician-at-Law

      CHAPTER THREE: Keeping a Leash on Your Familiar

      Classification of Animals

      Some Familiar Familiars

       Avoid Unfamiliar Familiars

      Breeding and Population Control

      Purebred Certification

      Spaying/Neutering/De-Sporulation

      Local Regulation of Familiars

      Humane Treatment of Familiars

      Vaccination

      Transportation

      Using Familiar as Means of Transportation

      Alteration (removing or adding fangs, claws, tails, eyes)

      Sale or Transfer of Animals

      Injuries by Familiars

      Defenses of Owners of Attacking Familiars

      CHAPTER FOUR: Magical Items and Artifacts

      Basic Equipment

      A Wizard’s Wand

      A Wizard’s Knife

      A Wizard’s Other Items

       Finders Weepers?

      Certain (Un)Common Items of Enchanted Clothing

      Magical Jewelry

      Assorted Otherworldly Accoutrements

      Magical/Mysterious Musical Instruments

      Cursed Magical Items

      CHAPTER FIVE: The Dead (Grateful and Otherwise)

      When to Expect the Dead

      Getting Along with the Dead

      Earning the Gratitude of the Dead

       Where Next, Voyager?

      Getting Rid of the Dead

      What to Do If You Discover You Are Dead

       Rattling Chains—Classic Technique or Tired Cliché?

      CHAPTER SIX: Magical Creatures: Part-Lion/ Part-Tiger/Part-Bear—Oh, My!

      First Contact

       Passport to and/or from Adventure

      Specific Creatures

      Elves

      Leprechauns

      Trolls

      Fairies and/or Faeries

      Ogres

      Orcs

      Mermaids

       The Church of the Water-Day Saints

      Werewolves and Their Kin

      Miscellaneous Combinations

       Here There Be a Sidebar on Dragons

      CHAPTER SEVEN: Magical Amusements and Exhibitions

      Permits

      Particular Common Events

       All the World’s a Stage

      Tickets

      Advance Sales; Refunds; Transfer

       Warning!

      Scalping

      Admission or Exclusion/Ejection of Certain Persons from an Event

      Common Ticket Abbreviations and Language

      Magical Sports

      Bribery and Tampering

      Betting on Magical Sports

      Magical Creature Fights

      CHAPTER EIGHT: Black Magic Is Not the New White Magic

       Mauve Magic: Harmless Fashion Statement or Gateway Drug?

      The Dangers of Black Magic

       A Warning

      Demons

      The Temptations of Black Magic

      Defenses Against the Dark Arts

      Afterword from Senator Leonora Bitterman

      Appendix A: Suggested Further Reading

      Appendix B: Useful Forms

      Index

      About the Authors

      Prefatory Communication

      THE GOVERNMENT

      ENCHANTMENT ADMINISTRATION

      COUNCIL ON WIZARDRY

      There is magic in the air, and where there is magic in the air there are often wizards about, possibly themselves also in the air, astride brooms or levitating under their own magical steam. If you are a wizard, then the Government says Huzzah! and Bully for you! … but the Government also reminds you that wizardry is a privilege, not a right. You will be expected to be ever mindful of your responsibilities not just to the wizarding community but to the community at large of wizards and civilians alike. This Manual addresses the societal pitfalls of wizardry that might be given short shrift at magic academies and trade schools, for wizarding isn’t all eye of newt and toe of bat. It’s also keeping an eye out for your fellow citizens and toeing the line, else it’s bubble, bubble, you’re in trouble….

      So to you, young wizard, I say: Put down your wand, pick up this book, and turn the page before you turn yourself or someone you love into something hideous.

      Prolegomenon

      by ELMAR THE WHITE,

      GUARDIAN OF THE GALLEYS

      Greetings, young wizard! I welcome you to this

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