The Funniest Cop Stories Ever
By Scott Baker and Tom Philbin
3/5
()
About this ebook
Cops are the people who see and hear it all. They work at one of the world's most dangerous jobs, but it's also one of the most entertaining. When their lives are at risk-and even when they aren't--cops encounter constant weirdness and stupidity in human behavior. The Funniest Cop Stories Ever collects the strangest, most amusing stories about stupid crooks, bungled crimes, and station-house banter. A true look at what life is like behind the badge, the tales in The Funniest Cop Stories Ever were collected by real-life ex-New York City policeman Scott Baker and coauthor Tom Philbin. Anecdotes are told by the real-life cops who experienced them and include:
- A foot chase after a dwarf who karate-kicked his girlfriend's door and assaulted her while wearing a tuxedo and carrying a violin case.
- A beggar who ended people's pay phone calls so he could demand their extra spare change.
- A narcotics bust on a guy who claimed the crack cocaine--and his pants--didn't belong to him.
Scott Baker
Scott Baker is a Cloud Software Architect at Intel, which he joinedas part of Intel's acquisition of the Open Networking Foundation(ONF) engineering team. While at ONF, he led the Aether DevOpsteam. Prior to ONF, he worked on cloud-related research projects atPrinceton and the University of Arizona, including PlanetLab, GENI,and VICCI. Baker received his Ph.D. in Computer Science from theUniversity of Arizona in 2005.
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Reviews for The Funniest Cop Stories Ever
8 ratings1 review
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Amusing? Yes...but not the funniest cop stories ever, I am sure. If they are, then I have talked to the wrong cops. The book did have some funny stories, but nothing riotous. I enjoyed it, and it is a quick read. I was annoyed by the language being edited. I can read about genitals, but not f**k? I was expected more dark humor (although there was some), more brashness, more...I don't know...It just seemed tame. Your grandma could read this and giggle.
Book preview
The Funniest Cop Stories Ever - Scott Baker
THE
FUNNIEST
COP
STORIES EVER
THE FUNNIEST COP STORIES EVER
Copyright © 2006 by Scott Baker and Tom Philbin. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews. For information, write Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC, an Andrews McMeel Universal company, 1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, MO 64106.
E-ISBN: 978-0-7407-8926-7
Library of Congress Control Number: 2006923315
www.andrewsmcmeel.com
Cover design by John Turnbull
ATTENTION: SCHOOLS AND BUSINESSES
Andrews McMeel books are available at quantity discounts with bulk purchase for educational, business, or sales promotional use. For information, please write to: Special Sales Department, Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC, 1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, MO 64106.
specialsales@amuniversal.com
Thanks to Scott, a warm, sensitive, caring guy who also happens to be very funny, a great storyteller. I will always cherish those Sundays in Borders as we brought this wonderful (I think it is!) book to life and tittered, cackled, and howled and drank coffee that I always manipulated you into paying for.
Much thanks to Dina for getting us together, and thanks to Chris Schillig for her sensitive and insightful editing of the book.
Finally, thanks to Brokejaw,
one of the people in this book. Existence of guys like you makes books like this possible.
—Tom Philbin
To my father, who was the most dynamic storyteller I ever knew. To my mother, who always encouraged my humor. Also to my good friend, Justin Doyle: I should have been there for you more than I was; thank you for your forgiveness.
—Scott Baker
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Iwould like to thank my dear friend Dina Masella-Frechen. Without her belief in me and her introduction to my coauthor, Tom Philbin, none of this would have been possible. While we are on the subject, I would also like to thank Tom Philbin, who was so much more than a coauthor to me on this project. He has been a true friend—I only wish I could have met him earlier in my life. I truly enjoyed getting together to discuss these stories with him and being forced to buy him his coffee; I will miss it. I would also like to give a very sincere thanks to my publisher, Andrews McMeel, and my editor, Christine Schillig. You took a chance on me and believed in this project, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Most of all I would like to thank all the police officers I have worked with, Ed Polstein and the NYPD Rant, and all the officers from all over the country who have contributed stories to this book. I had so much fun reliving some of these tales and appreciate you sharing them with me. It is special people like you that have the strength to find humor while putting your own lives on the line and protecting the lives of others. Thank you all.
Scott Baker
INTRODUCTION
When I was a cop with the NYPD, I saw so many funny things happen on the street that I thought that one day I would collect and write them in a book. This is the final result. For several years I went around interviewing cops from all over the country, and I found that the stories in Baltimore, LA, and everywhere else were as funny as any in New York. Nothing quite prepares you for what you see on the street once you become a cop. It is one of the most dangerous jobs, but also the most fun as well. One minute you are shot at; the next you are convincing a woman that there are no people from outer space after her. In what other profession will you find yourself chasing a midget in a tuxedo down a fire escape? Cops meet some of the zaniest, wildest, craziest characters that ever walked the face of the earth. The things a cop sees in his career could not be made up by the most creative Hollywood writers. Add to that the fact that these grown men have the mentality of college frat brothers and you have some of the funniest stories that ever happened. One cop described it as going to high school with legal guns.
These stories are all true, and told in their own words with some editing by the cops who experienced them or heard them from other cops and retold them.
Cops are notoriously private people except when they’re talking to other cops—the brotherhood of blue is strong—so I quickly assured them that no real names would be used and that no specific information would be provided that would allow even the most dogged investigator to determine who was telling the stories. Though funny, the unauthorized actions that cops took in some of these incidents might jeopardize their jobs. Ordinary cops love to laugh—it vents the pressure they’re constantly under—but in general the brass approaches cop work with a stern and rigid interpretation of what a cop can or can’t do. They often turn molehills into mountains in determining a cop’s fate. Because the cops knew that they could not be identified, they spoke freely with no holds barred, and that led them to tell some very funny stories.
The enormous stress of a cop’s job results in very unfunny 50 percent divorce and alcoholism rates. Many have developed a taste, as it were, for salty language—blue language, if you will. Most of that has been edited out because some people find it offensive, but excising curse words or obscenities doesn’t affect the humor of the stories. In some cases the word [bleep] or [bleeping] has been substituted for curses because they are an integral part of the story; to use bland language would dilute the effect.
The stories have a single goal: to make readers titter, cackle, howl, and chortle as well as laugh their [bleeps] off. And believe me, you will. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed living them and collecting them. Remember, the stories are all true. Only the names have been changed to protect the insane.
—Scott Baker
MR. ROSENTHAL’S REGRET
My partner and I go to an aided case (a person in need of medical assistance) on the north side of the expressway where a very old man is sitting in a lawn chair. He looks pale and weak. There are a few neighbors around, so I talk with one lady. What’s the problem?
She tells me it’s a very sad story. His name is Norman Rosenthal, and his wife passed away six or seven months ago. He’s got diabetes and doesn’t take care of himself, and every once in a while he passes out. That’s what he did today. So they helped him into the lawn chair and called us.
So I go up to him and say, What’s the matter, Mr. Rosenthal?
He answers in a thick Jewish accent, Ah, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. Leave me alone already.
Mr. Rosenthal, we called the paramedics and they’re going to come here and check you out a little. But can I ask you something, did you eat today?
Don’t worry about me. I don’t need nothing to eat. I can take care of myself.
Well, obviously not, Mr. Rosenthal. I heard you have diabetes, and when you don’t eat, your blood sugar level is going to drop and you’re going to pass out. So I want you to sit tight until the paramedics come and check you out. Meanwhile, I’m going across the street to the deli and get you something to eat so you’ll have something in your system—
I don’t need anything from the deli. I can take care of myself. I don’t want to eat. I don’t need anything.
My partner keeps his eye on the old guy while I go and get him a roll and butter. When I get back, I say: Listen, Mr. Rosenthal. You got to eat something.
I don’t want to eat! Leave me alone! I’m not hungry!
Just take this,
I said.
All right!
He takes the roll and butter, looks up at me,