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    How Not to Kill Your Baby
    How Not to Kill Your Baby
    How Not to Kill Your Baby
    Ebook189 pages1 hour

    How Not to Kill Your Baby

    By Jacob Sager Weinstein

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    About this ebook

    "This laugh-out-loud hilarious book is mandatory reading for parents, and should be taught in schools as the "cautionary tale" portion of Sex Ed. Run don't walk to buy it, and if you're a baby with lethal parents, crawl don't roll." --Rob Kutner (writer, The Daily Show, Conan, The Future According To Me)

    "Unlike babies themselves, copies of Jacob Sager Weinstein's book can be bought and sold on the open market. Buy two and bring joy and laughter to the lives of a copy-less couple." --Jose Arroyo (writer, Conan)

    "The "s-a-g-e" in Jacob's middle moniker indicates exactly that. He is a whimsically wise and hysterically funny fellow whom any child (or book buying adult) would be wise to listen to." --Dennis Miller

    "If you don't buy this book and then your baby dies, how are you going to feel? Pretty bad, I imagine." --Larry Doyle (writer, I Love You Beth Cooper; Go, Mutants!; The Simpsons)

    Have you ever read a parenting book that left you feeling inadequate and/or terrified? In other words, have you ever read any parenting book whatsoever?

    If so, you need How Not To Kill Your Baby, a hilarious parody of every fear-mongering, crazy-making pregnancy and parenting manual you've ever cringed over. Just consider the following advice:

    * "As you know if you have ever seen someone give birth in a movie or television show, all newborns emerge with adorable round faces, pudgy limbs, and twinkling eyes. If, by contrast, the nurse hands you a tiny, squawling creature with the face of an old man and skin covered in goo, hand it back immediately. There has clearly been some sort of mixup with a nearby ward for senile midgets."

    * "It's essential that you keep careful track of your baby's every bodily function. That way, when she is president of the United States and a paranoid-minded conspiracy movement springs up denying her eligibility for the position, you will have documentary proof that she did, in fact, poop on U.S. soil at 8:23AM on February 23."

    * "When choosing a nursery school, make sure to visit first, and ask the teachers about their educational philosophies. Then ask about their criminal records. If they insist they have none, you may need to keep asking, perhaps while shining a bright light in their face. Also, take their fingerprints, then follow them home from a discreet distance and go through their trash. Oh, and don't forget to thank them for their dedication to helping the young!"

    * "It is easy to adjust your parenting techniques as your children grow: simply do and say the exact same things, but raise your voice by one decibel for every year of your child's age."

    How Not To Kill Your Baby is printed on child-safe, 100% piranha-free paper, and bound without the use of exploding staples. You'll get no such promise from What To Expect When You're Expecting.

    How Not To Kill Your Baby is the book for you... unless you're some kind of baby-hating creep who wants to parent all wrong.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherAndrews McMeel Publishing
    Release dateMar 20, 2012
    ISBN9781449410391
    How Not to Kill Your Baby
    Author

    Jacob Sager Weinstein

    Jacob Sager Weinstein has been published in The New Yorker, McSweeney's, and Self and is a former contributor to The Onion. In addition to writing satirical books for adults, he enjoys writing middle-grade fiction. He currently resides in London. For more information, visit him at jacobsagerweinstein.com or on Twitter at @jacobsw.

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      Book preview

      How Not to Kill Your Baby - Jacob Sager Weinstein

      OTHER BOOKS BY

      JACOB SAGER WEINSTEIN

      The Government Manual for New Superheroes

      (with Matthew David Brozik)

      The Government Manual for New Wizards

      (with Matthew David Brozik)

      The Government Manual for New Pirates

      (with Matthew David Brozik)

      How Not to Kill Your Baby copyright © 2012 by Jacob Sager Weinstein. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.

      Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC

      an Andrews McMeel Universal company

      1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106

      www.andrewsmcmeel.com

      ISBN: 978-1-4494-1039-1

      Library of Congress Control Number: 2011932654

      Book Design by Diane Marsh

      ATTENTION: SCHOOLS AND BUSINESSES

      Andrews McMeel books are available at quantity discounts with bulk purchase for educational, business, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail the Andrews McMeel Publishing Special Sales Department: specialsales@amuniversal.com

      IMPORTANT SAFETY WARNINGS:

      READ BEFORE OPERATING BOOK

      Your child’s safety is your responsibility. Read these safety warnings and keep them in mind at all times, even while sleeping.

      Book may present tripping hazard if left on ground.

      1. Never leave your child unattended with a book.

      2. Choking hazard if your child has a large, book-shaped mouth.

      3. Risk of electrocution . Do not read this book while flying a kite outside in an electrical storm standing with both feet in a bucket of salt water.

      Audio version of book may cause hearing loss if played at excessive volume.

      4. ALLERGY WARNING : This book is printed in a facility that also prints Peanuts .

      5. This book is not a toy . Do not put little lips on the side, then open and close the covers to make it speak.

      6. This book is an FCC class M device , and may cause interference if read aloud when the person next to you is trying to use the telephone.

      Transporting more than thirty copies of book in carry-on luggage may result in extra baggage handling fees, but it’s totally worth it.

      7. This book complies with all FAA regulations. It is safe to use on an airplane, unless you have purchased the special limited edition hewn from solid diamond, in which case, corners of book may cut airplane windows, resulting in sudden loss of cabin pressure .

      8. Do not read the following sentence while driving , as the display of filial affection may cause eye watering and subsequent impairment of vision: This book is dedicated to my parents , with love and gratitude.

      9. Do not permit children to tie book around neck for use as a superhero cape. Book does not enable user to fly .

      Reading of this book or other materials in a ring of fire may burn, burn, burn.

      CONTENTS

      INTRODUCTION

      Dear Parents-to-Be,¹

      Ever since you received the good news, you’ve been subjected to an endless barrage of bad news, from dire warnings of dietary health risks to incessant pressure to follow the latest trendy parenting fad.

      This book is written in the commonsense belief that, no matter how much pressure society puts on you, it’s always possible to add more. Tons more. Hundreds of pages more, plus illustrations.

      So, read on.

      Unless you’re some kind of baby-hating creep who wants to parent all wrong.

      ____________

      1 Or, if you have taken the very sensible precaution of reading this book before getting pregnant, Parents-to-be-to-be.

      CHAPTER 1

      Things to Worry About Before Getting Pregnant

      When Should You Conceive?

      Choosing when to get pregnant is the very first decision you will make as a parent. Take a look at this time line.

      A casual

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