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    600+ Original Jokes
    600+ Original Jokes
    600+ Original Jokes
    Ebook52 pages1 hour

    600+ Original Jokes

    By Bernard Morris

    ()

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    About this ebook

    600+ original jokes ideal for stand-up comedians. I have sold jokes to a number of stand-up comedians in the UK including Jimmy Cricket.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherBernard Morris
    Release dateJan 15, 2018
    ISBN9788827552148
    600+ Original Jokes

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      Book preview

      600+ Original Jokes - Bernard Morris

      600+ ORIGINAL JOKES

      Bernard Morris

      © 2014 Bernard Morris

      First Edition

      The author asserts the moral right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. All Rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrievable system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the author, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

      Cover Image Bigalbaloo/yaymicro.com

      INTRODUCTION

      I have written jokes for a number of stand-up comedians including the famous Irish comedian Jimmy Cricket. I have also written jokes for greeting card companies and radio stations.

      THE JOKES

      I borrowed a book from the library on Time Travel. I returned it in 3024.

      A new dance that I invented didn’t quite catch on. Dotted Line Dancing.

      I took some tablets to lower my cholesterol. I ended up with fat feet.

      I saw a woman come storming out of a restaurant. She was fuming. I said, What’s wrong? She said, I’ve just been thrown out for breastfeeding. I said, That’s terrible. Who threw you out? The manager? She said, No, the baby’s mother.

      My uncle the funny clown died. We had him cremated. It took a while for the coffin to burn – all his friends kept throwing buckets of water over it.

      I was in a restaurant. I ordered Fish And Chips With A Twist. The waiter served me and then started dancing like Chubby Checker.

      I put a sign up. Keep Off The Grass. Somebody shouted Oye! Can’t you read?

      Scientists have crossed a pig with a cat. It rolls over in mud and licks itself clean.

      There’s a new Bowie single about his days in the 70s when he was off his head on drugs. It’s called Ch-ch-ch-charlie.

      After visiting a head-shrinking witch doctor, four lads from London have formed a Small Faces tribute band.

      A children’s entertainer broke into my house wearing glove puppets.

      My doctor said I should try and keep an eye on medical matters. I said, It’s all right for you. You’ve not got a boil on the back of your head.

      Someone from the past entered my life this week. Took me by surprise, gave me a shock. Well, Alexander the Great’s been dead for over 2,000 years.

      I worked in a shop. A customer came in and said, A southern bluefin tunafish called Peter was banned from the 1992 Olympics because it refused to wear a pair of shorts. Who said the customer is always right?

      Did you hear about the girl who was obsessed with Dermot O’Learly? She had Dermotitis.

      Patient: I’ve had sex with a camel.

      Psychiatrist: One hump or two?

      Patient: Oh I only did it once.

      A secretary has refused to send any more emails until they are re-named she-males. It’s PC gone mad.

      We were very poor when we were kids but mum didn’t let it spoil our lives. Whenever we had alphabet spaghetti she would spell BANQUET.

      The other day I dropped a clanger…for a very fit smurf.

      I was working as a voiceover artist. I went mad and developed an inferiority complex. I heard voices in my head but they weren’t very good.

      I was admiring the sight of a chameleon in a pet shop. It was lovely. It changed from green to yellow to brown to orange to pink to red to purple to blue. I didn’t know it was having a heart attack.

      I saw a cross between a ferret and a squirrel. It ran up my leg and ate my nuts.

      I was in a hospital bed convalescing after getting knocked off my bicycle. It was my own fault for riding my bike at night with no lights on. The driver who knocked me down paid me a visit and gave me a Get Well Seen card.

      For the last six months I’d been going round to

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