Helpful and unhelpful emotions A difference exists between a helpful emotion and an unhelpful one.

Begin to notice and distinguish between the two. For example: Feeling grief and sadness after a bereavement is natural. However, if these feelings incapacitate you for a number of years, you can regard them as unhelpful because youve become stuck in negative feelings (such as guilt) that complicate your recovery. (Check out Chapter 10 for more on acceptance and how to move on.) Feeling angry that your partner is unfaithful is natural. But feeling jealous because you imagine that your partner may one day cheat on you is unhelpful because the event may never happen. Distrust can interfere with the progress of your relationship, setting up an unhelpful suspicion. Feeling pain and anger when your partner rejects you (at the end of a relationship or marriage) is natural for a period of time. However, if youre still feeling angry after several years, you may be struggling to accept and move on. Everyone experiences

rejection from time to time. Not coming to terms with the pain is unhelpful and will interfere with your long-term happiness and ability to make new relationships. Feeling guilt about a past misdemeanour may help you consider what you want to do differently next time. However, whats done is done; harbouring guilt and regret over a long period is unhelpful, simply prolonging your unhappiness. Feeling low as a result of an event such as a redundancy or domestic upheaval is natural. But feeling depressed for a long period means that youre focusing only on the negatives in life and ignoring the positives. Adjust this balance by listing what is working and the people who do support you. Planning how to raise your spirits in future is more helpful. Constantly review the emotions youre experiencing and consider whether you may be stuck in unhealthy emotions that you need to address. Identify thoughts and behaviours that can help you move forward through acceptance and action.