Irving Berlins White Christmas By Music and Lyrics by Irving Berlin Book by David Ives and Paul Blake

Original stage production directed by Walter Bobbie

ACT I (The show curtain is like a giant Christmas card, with the words IRVING BERLINs "WHITE CHRISTMAS" written large upon it.) Music 1: Overture Scene 1 Somewhere on the Western Front of World War II Christmas Eve, 1944 Music 1A: Curtain Music - Act One (Lights up on a small skinny Christmas tree decorated with K-ration cans and military paraphernalia, sitting on top of what is clearly and army trunk. A home-made banner says "MERRY CHRISTMAS, 1944" and "151st DIVISION" with an arrow pointing to "U.S.A. 3,451 MILES" and maybe a holiday cheesecake pin-up. CAPT. BOB WALLACE and PFC. PHIL DAVIS are entertaining their division in a home-made holiday show. BOB and PHIL wear battle fatigues and red, fur-trimmed Santa hats, and PHIL wears a set of jingle bells. CORP. RALPH SHELDRAKE, sitting on another army trunk accompanies them on a wheezy squeeze box, part of a one-man band. To the tune of "Steppin Out With My Baby" CORP. RALPH SHELDRAKE is MCing the end of a holiday show. An audience of GIs watches, seated on the ground.) SHELDRAKE Settle down, GIs, settle down! And now Ive got a million-dollar proposition for you. If theres anything worse than fighting a war on Christmas Eve, its gotta be our final act. MUSIC 2: Happy Holiday - 1944 BOB (Under the vamp.) Private Davis! PHIL Yes, Captain Wallace!

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BOB Remember - dont sing until you see the whites of their eyes! PHIL I see em! BOB Then sing! BOB & PHIL HAPPY HOLIDAY! HAPPY HOLIDAY! WHILE THE MERRY BELLS KEEP RINGING, MAY YOUR EVRY WITH COME TRUE. HAPPY HOLIDAY! HAPPY HOLIDAY! MAY THE CALENDAR KEEP BRINGING HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU! (Music continues as a vamp under the following dialogue:) BOB Thats quite a crowd weve got out there. What do you think? PHIL Looks like theyve been through a war. BOB They have been through a war. PHIL Well then, they look pretty good! (SHELDRAKE punctuates the punch line with a razzing HONK.) BOB & PHIL WHILE THE MERRY BELLS KEEP RINGING, MAY YOUR EVRY WISH COME TRUE. PHIL Captain Wallace. BOB Yes, Private Davis. PHIL Do you know how long its been since Ive seen a girl?

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BOB How long is that, Private? PHIL I dunno, but were dancin awful CLOSE! BOB & PHIL MAY THE CALENDAR KEEP BRINGING HAPPY HOLIDAYS, HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU! SHELDRAKE All right. All right. Thanks. Weve certainly had a good time tonight, havent we, fellas? Look, I know youre all missing home. (PHIL begins to turn the crank of the music box.) Music 2A: White Christmas Music Box So heres one to put you right back there in front of the fireplace sung by our very own Captain Bob Wallace. BOB (Sings a capella.) IM DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS, JUST LIKE THE ONES I USED TO KNOW, WHERE THE TREETOPS GLISTEN AND CHILDREN LISTEN TO HEAR SLEIGH BELLS IN THE SNOW. BOB, PHIL & SHELDRAKE IM DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS WITH EVRY CHRISTMAS CARD I WRITE... BOB Cmon, boys, help me out... (GENERAL HENRY WAVERLY enters, unnoticed by them a manly commanding figure using a stick for a cane.) BOB, PHIL, SHELDRAKE & GIS MAY YOUR DAYS BE MERRY AND BRIGHT AND MAY ALL YOUR CHRISTMASES BE WHITE. SHELDRAKE Attention! BOB (All three saluting.) General Waverly, sir!

4. WAVERLY What the devil is going on here? Dont you men know that theres a war on? PHIL Yes, sir. But its Christmas Eve and we thought wed celebrate WAVERLY Attention! PHIL Yes, sir. WAVERLY Take off those ridiculous bells. PHIL (Removing them.) Just a little Yuletide cheer, you know. Jingle Bells and so on... WAVERLY Davis, if you could march as well as you jingle, this war would be over. PHIL Yes, sir. WAVERLY Captain Wallace, I believe you are out of uniform. BOB (Removes Santa hat.) Yes, sir. WAVERLY Dismissed. BOB & PHIL Yes, sir! Thank you, sir. (BOB, PHIL, SHELDRAKE and MALE ENSEMBLE start out.) WAVERLY And gentlemen - thank you for the fine show. BOB, PHIL & SHELDRAKE Thank you, sir - Merry Christmas, sir - Merry Christmas, sir. (BOB, PHIL, SHELDRAKE and the GIs exit.)

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WAVERLY (To audience:) So - Christmas Eve, 1944. I dont see any flying reindeer in this little corner of hell tonight. Gentlemen, I do have some news for you. The army has ordered me stateside as of zero-one-hundred hours to get this German buckshot taken out of my leg. And if you dont give the new CO as much as you have Henry Waverly, I may come back and fight for the enemy. It has been my great privilege to lead you men. (Indicating various members of the audience:) Johnson. Sanchez. Rubenstein. Perelli. The 151st Division is doing America proud. Maybe in a year well be celebrating the holidays around a fire with our families and friends. Ten year from now - 1954 - who knows where well be. Lets pray its a better world. Soldiers - Merry Christmas. Music 3: Sullivan Opening (WAVERLY salutes us, and exits as uptempo, bright music comes up and the scene changes to...) Scene 2 The Ed Sullivan Show - 1954 TV ANNOUNCER Welcome back to the Ed Sullivan Show! Brought to you by the 1954 Lincoln Mercury and Oxydol Detergent - the washday cleanser for that all-American purity. (RITA and RHODA dance on, two leggy chorus girls dressed as Oxydol Detergent boxes.) Use Oxydol! RITA & RHODA For purity! (RITA and RHODA exit.) TV ANNOUNCER And now: Americas favorite song-and-dance team recording artists and Broadway stars, Bob Wallace and Phil Davis! (The Sullivan show curtain parts to reveal a giant box wrapped like a Christmas present, which opens to reveal BOB and PHIL.) Music 4: Happy Holiday / Let Yourself Go

6. BOB & PHIL HAPPY HOLIDAY! HAPPY HOLIDAY! WHILE THE MERRY BELLS KEEP RINGING, MAY YOUR EVRY WISH COME TRUE. PHIL HAPPY HOLIDAY! BOB HAPPY HOLIDAY! PHIL HAP-HAPPY HOLIDAY! BOB HAPPY HOLIDAY! BOB & PHIL MAY THE CALENDAR KEEP BRINGIN HAPPY HOLIDAYS, HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU! (BOB and PHIL are joined by ensemble as the piece builds into a full production number.) BOB & PHIL COME, GET TOGETHER. LET THE DANCE FLOOR FEEL YOUR LEATHER. STEP AS LIGHTLY AS A FEATHER. LET YOURSELF GO. COME HIT THE TIMBER. PHIL LOOSEN UP AND START TO LIMBER. BOB CANT YOU HEAR THE HOT MARIMBA? BOB & PHIL LET YOURSELF GO. LET YOURSELF GO, RELAX, AND LET YOURSELF GO. RELAX, YOUVE GOT YOURSELF TIED UP IN A KNOT. THE NIGHT IS COLD, BUT THE MUSICS HOT. SO COME ON, COME ON, CUDDLE CLOSER. DONT YOU DARE TO ANSWER "NO, SIR." (MORE)

7. BOB & PHIL (contd) BUTCHER, BANKER, CLERK AND GROCER, LET YOURSELF GO! ENSEMBLE LET YOURSELF GO, RELAX, AND LET YOURSELF GO. RELAX, YOUVE GOT YOURSELF TIED UP IN A KNOT. THE NIGHT IS COLD, BUT THE MUSICS HOT. SO COME, CUDDLE CLOSER. DONT YOU DARE TO ANSWER "NO, SIR." BUTCHER, BANKER, CLERK AND GROCER, LET YOURSELF GO! BOB & PHIL Let yourself go! (Dance Break.) BOB & PHIL LET YOURSELF GO, RELAX, AND LET YOURSELF GO. RELAX! RELAX, YOUVE GOT YOURSELF TIED UP IN A KNOT. YEAH! THE NIGHT IS COLD, BUT THE MUSICS HOT. HOT! THE NIGHT IS COLD, BUT THE MUSICS HOT. HOT! THE NIGHT IS COLD, BUT THE MUSICS HOT! HAPPY HOLIDAY! HAPPY HOLIDAY! HAPPY HOLIDAY! HAPPY HOLIDAY! WHILE THE MERRY BELLS KEEP RINGIN MAY THE CALENDAR KEEP BRINGIN HAPPY HOLIDAYS HAPPY HOLIDAYS! TO YOU! TO YOU! TO YOU! ENSEMBLE RELAX!

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ALL YEAH! Music 4A: Let Yourself Go (playoff) (When the number ends, ALL bow, then BOB and PHIL come downstage.) BOB (During the applause.) Thanks, folks! Were off to Miami to try out our new show! PHIL Well see you in Florida! Merry Christmas! BOB Merry Christmas! (Behind them the stage changes to...) Scene 3 Backstage at the Sullivan show - after the broadcast; Backstage at Jimmys a none-too-classy nightclub (BOB and PHIL enter a spiffy dressing room, which takes up half the stage. They are met by TESSIE, their assistant.) TESSIE That was a great show, Mr. Wallace. BOB Thanks, Tessie. Would you tell Scooter to pick up the tempo on that dance break? (To PHIL.) And you, I told you to work on the second chorus, not the second chorus girl. PHIL Guilty as charged. TESSIE (Handing BOB papers and a clipboard.) Telegram. Telegram. Signature. BOB (As he checks the papers and signs.) Did you set up the train tickets for tonight?

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TESSIE Yes, sir. You and Mr. Davis have a drawing room on the one a.m. to Miami. BOB Good... TESSIE The kids in the chorus follow you down in two days for rehearsals. BOB Great. Thanks, Tess. (TESSIE exits. During the following scene BOB and PHIL change from their Ed Sullivan costumes into street clothes, in a well-known and often-practiced routine.) PHIL Christmas in Florida. I like that. BOB Eighteen holes and a swim in the sunshine, youll want to move there. (RALPH SHELDRAKE enters.) SHELDRAKE Hey, hey! The 151st Division comes through again! Captain Wallace! Private Davis! PHIL Corporal Sheldrake! BOB, PHIL & SHELDRAKE (Sing a cappella.) GEE, I WISH I WAS BACK IN THE ARMY! BA-DA, DA-DA, DA-DA, DA-DA, DA-DA! PHIL You think all TV producers got started by finagling black market nylons? SHELDRAKE This one did. Boys, I got a million-dollar proposition for you. Ed wants you back on the show after the Florida tryout. You do a piece of your new revue and we broadcast it, what do you say? PHIL Bob? What do you say?

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BOB & PHIL Its a million-dollar proposition! SHELDRAKE Ill send you all the bumf. And hey - have a Merry Christmas fellas! PHIL Merry Christmas, Ralph! BOB Merry Christmas. (SHELDRAKE exits.) (RITA and RHODA enter.) RITA Oh, Philly-dilly! RHODA Once were in Florida, are we gonna work on that new quote-unquote "routine" unquote? PHIL Yeah, honey, yea, Ive got it all worked out. RITA That last routine did wonders for my sacroiliac. RHODA Hiya, Bobby! See ya in Florida! RITA And remember. Use Oxydol! RITA & RHODA (Bawdily.) For purity! (RITA and RHODA exit giggling.) BOB "Philly-Dilly..." Have you ever considered giving the female sex a breather? PHIL What, and give up show business? BOB I dont know whats getting older faster - me, or your jokes.

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PHIL Hey, why dont we go for a drink before the train? I heard about this little club downtown... BOB Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. I smell an angle. Skip the scam, Phil, what do you actually want from me? PHIL Okay - you remember mess sergeant Frankie Haynes? BOB Freckle-faced Haynes? The dog-faced boy? PHIL Yeah. His sisters are doing a show in some joint. Were doing a new revue - and we said we wanted a sister act. BOB This isnt a plot to hook me up with another belly-dancing rocket scientist - ? PHIL Its a way to find a sister act! Of course, we could always take Rita and Rhoda along... BOB Stop. Ever since we were in the army, youve been trying to fix me up with something female. Then years now PHIL (Under "ten years now.") You wanna know why, Bob? BOB - let me finish - big ones, little ones, dumpy ones, as long as it wears a skirt and its still breathing, you trot it out. PHIL Im trying to put a little romance in your life, Bob! I want you to go out and have some fun. Remember fun? I want you to stop being Bob Wallace Incorporated and fall in love! I want you to get married and have nine children, so you can have a home and I can go out and get a massage or something! BOB Okay. Okay. Maybe youve got a point there, about home. But come on, Phil - most of the kids we meet are you, theyre ambitious.

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Music 5: Love and The Weather They dont want to settle down and raise a family. As for love - no thanks. Its too much like the weather. PHIL You lost me. BOB UNPREDICTABLE, IRRESPONSIBLE, UNBELIEVABLE, UNRELIABLE, EVER SINCE THE WORLD BEGAN ARE CUPID AND THE WEATHERMAN. LOVE AND THE WEATHER, BIRDS OF A FEATHER CANT BE DEPENDED UPON. ONE DAY ITS SUNNY, NEXT DAY THE SUNSHINE HAS GONE. LOVE AND THE WEATHER, ALWAYS TOGETHER, PLANNING ANOTHER SURPRISE, BRINGING THE RAINDROPS JUST LIKE THE TEARS TO YOUR EYES. ANY GUY WITH LOVE CLOSE BY IS COZY AND WARM. LOVE WALKS OUT AND KICKS A GUY RIGHT OUT OF THE WARM INTO A STORM. MOONLIGHT ROMANCES HAVE TO TAKE CHANCES, THATS WHAT YOU LEARN WITH THE DAWN LOVE AND THE WEATHER CANT BE DEPENDED UPON. (A shabby dressing room at "Jimmys Back Room" is revealed on the other half of the stage as Judy Haynes enters, getting ready for a show.) JUDY I told Jimmy to put them at a table right down front. Im so excited. I hope I dont stare at them during the number. (BETTY HAYNES enters.)

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BETTY Well, I still dont understand it... JUDY Oh, Betty, will you settle down? Weve actually got Wallace and Davis coming to see us. BETTY Yes, but how did Wallace and Davis ever find out about Betty and Judy Haynes? JUDY I dont know. They were in the army with Frankie. Maybe through Frankie... BETTY Frankies in Alaska. How did he ever get to Wallace and Davis? JUDY I, uh... BETTY I smell a rat here. Maybe the same rat who told this club owner were his cousins. JUDY I didnt say cousins. I said we went to kindergarten together. BETTY Did you ever hear about honesty being the best policy? JUDY Yeah, and I never believed it for a second. Dont you want us to get someplace, Betty? Do you want to go on playing dives like this forever? BETTY Oh, honey, I do want you to succeed... JUDY Were a twosome, remember? I dont succeed if you dont. BETTY But Judy, I dont want you to hold the act together because of me. If you get an offer, or if you find a really great guy... JUDY How can you be so beautiful and so insecure? Youre the one who deserves the offer - and the guy.

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BETTY I dont know about deserve him. Music 5A: Love and the Weather (Part II) But Im going to grab an umbrella and put on galoshes when I meet him. JUDY You lost me. BETTY LOVE AND THE WEATHER, BIRDS OF A FEATHER, CANT BE DEPENDED UPON. ONE DAY ITS SUNNY, NEXT DAY THE SUNSHINE HAS GONE. LOVE AND THE WEATHER, ALWAYS TOGETHER, PLANNING ANOTHER SURPRISE, BRINGING THE RAINDROPS JUST LIKE THE TEARS TO YOUR EYES. ANY GAL WHOS CUPIDS PAL IS COZY AND WARM. LOVE WALKS OUT AND KICKS OUR GAL RIGHT OUT OF THE WARM INTO A STORM. MOONLIGHT ROMANCES HAVE TO TAKE CHANCES, THATS WHAT YOU LEARN WITH THE DAWN LOVE AND THE WEATHER CANT BE DEPENDED UPON. (Both dressing rooms are now spotlighted. However, though the sets are next to each other and BOB and BETTY sing together, they are not in the same space, and are not aware of the other at all.) PHIL Look, Bob, just humor me, will you? Call it a favor for an old army buddy. Well go see Frankies freckle-faced sisters, maybe the weatherll break, the skiesll clear, and the love of your life will pop out of a puddle. Ill go grab us a cab. (PHIL exits from one dressing room, JUDY from the other.)

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BOB ANY GUY WITH LOVE CLOSE BY IS COZY AND WARM, BETTY LOVE WALKS OUT AND KICKS A GAL RIGHT OUT OF THE WARM BOB & BETTY INTO A STORM. MOONLIGHT ADVANCES LOVES GOLDEN CHANCES, RAIN COMES ALONG AND THEYRE GONE LOVE AND THE WEATHER CHANGE FROM NIGHT TO DAWN. BOB UNPREDICTABLE! BETTY IRRESPONSIBLE! BOB UNBELIEVABLE! BETTY UNRELIABLE! BOB & BETTY LOVE AND THE WEATHER CANNOT BE DEPENDED UPON! Music 5B: Love and the Weather (scene change underscore) (THEY exit. Music starts, and the scene changes to...) Scene 4 Jimmys Back Room - later that evening (BOB and PHIL enter as a CIGARETTE GIRL roams the crowd.) CIGARETTE GIRL Cigars, cigarettes, candy! PHIL Hello there!

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CIGARETTE GIRL Cigar, sit? PHIL I dont know how to smoke but you could teach me. BOB Down, boy. (RITA and RHODA enter, laughing.) RHODA Hi ya Philly! RITA Funny bumpin into you here! (RITA and RHODA giggle and cross to a booth. BOB and PHIL sit at a stage side table to watch as JIMMY enter4s onstage to the sound of a drum roll/crash.) JIMMY Ho ho ho Merry almost Christmas and welcome to the back room at Jimmys! Who is now proud to introduce Betty and Joanie... JUDY (Whispering from offstage:) Judy! JIMMY Judy! The Bane sisters! JUDY (Whispering offstage:) Haynes! JIMMY The Haym sisters! Music 6: Sisters (BETTY and JUDY enter onstage with ostrich fans. JIMMY goes among club customers to watch.) BETTY & JUDY SISTERS, SISTERS, THERE WERE NEVER SUCH DEVOTED SISTERS. JUDY NEVER HAD TO HAVE A CHAPERONE NO, SIR,

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BETTY IM THERE TO KEEP MY EYE ON HER. BOTH CARING, SHARING EVRY LITTLE THING THAT WE ARE WEARING JUDY WHEN A CERTAIN GENTLEMAN ARRIVED FROM ROME, BETTY SHE WORE THE DRESS AND I STAYED HOME. BOTH ALL KINDS OF WEATHER, WE STICK TOGETHER, THE SAME IN THE RAIN OR SUN. TWO DIFFERENT FACES, BUT IN TIGHT PLACES WE THINK AND WE ACT AS ONE. (Spoken:) Uh-huh. JUDY THOSE WHOVE SEEN US KNOW THAT NOT A THING COULD COME BETWEEN US. BETTY MANY MEN HAVE TRIED TO SPLIT US UP, BUT NO ONE CAN. BOTH LORD HELP THE MISTER WHO COMES BETWEEN ME AND MY SISTER, AND LORD HELP THE SISTER WHO COMES BETWEEN ME AND MY MAN. SISTERS! EVER LOVIN SISTERS! SISTER, DONT COME BETWEEN ME AND MY MAN. Music 6A: Sisters Playout (Music ends. BETTY and JUDY exit.) Music 6B: "Keep Me Warm" (cocktail piano)

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JIMMY Hey, hey! Lets hear it for the Haynes sisters! I think these kids are going to go someplace. (At BOB and PHILs table:) PHIL Wow, these girls are terrific! We could throw that number right into our new show. BOB Ill tell you this: they sure dont take after freckle-faced Haynes the dog-faced boy. PHIL Especially the one. Yikes! BOB Yeah, that redhead is a knockout. PHIL I was talking about the blonde. But partner, this is why you and me are partners. BOB Aw, a great-looking girl like that probably has a whole string of guys. Shes probably married. PHIL So find out in some charming, roundabout way. Talk to her, Bob. BOB What do you mean, talk to her...? PHIL Theyll be here in a second. I invited them for a drink. BOB You what!? PHIL You think Im sitting here so I can see some more of you? BOB What am I supposed to do? PHIL I wont say be yourself, so why dont you try to be relaxed. Be natural.

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BOB Be natural. PHIL A couple of casual questions. And here they come. Natural, Bob. BOB Natural. (BETTY & JUDY enter at the other side of the stage, having changed their dresses.) BETTY Am I lopsided? JUDY Youre gorgeous. Now relax. Talk to them Betty. Be natural. BETTY Natural... (The girls come up to BOB and PHILs table. Throughout the following, some COUPLES begin to get up and dance casually.) JUDY Hello. BOB That was a great number. PHIL A fantastic number. BETTY (Stiff and formal.) How do you do. JUDY Im Judy Haynes - and this is my sister, Betty. PHIL Wallace. Davis. Davis. Wallace. JUDY Oh, we know who you are. PHIL Sit down, sit down, have some champagne. Come on, Bob, dont be shy. ("Aside", to the girls:) (MORE)

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PHIL (contd) The formal type. (They all sit and PHIL picks up the champagne glass.) Well, heres lookin at you! JUDY (Lighting her glass and toasting:) Cheers! BOB Are you married, Miss Haynes? (BETTY chokes on her champagne at the abruptness of the question.) PHIL You know, Bob and I are doing a new Revue. You two would fit right in if you could make a Wednesday rehearsal in Miami. BETTY Actually, I happen to be single, without any children, which is to say, I dont have any children to speak of. BOB Well, weve got a train to Florida tonight... (BOB and BETTY together, rising to go) BETTY It was very nice of you two to find the time... JUDY & PHIL Sit down, sit down... PHIL So - rehearsal in Miami? JUDY Too bad weve got a train of our own tonight. BETTY Were booked for the holidays in Pinetree, Vermont. PHIL Vermont? Were is that? And whats there - besides good-lookin girls? BOB Maybe wed better get going...

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JUDY A lot of snow. PHIL (Takes out a letter.) Frankie wrote us a terrific letter about you... BETTY So thats how you found out about us... (Taking letter from PHIL:) And isnt that funny. Frankie has exactly the same handwriting as Judy. Even the little faces in the Os. JUDY Just a family resemblance. BETTY Yes. The rat side of the family. PHIL Youre kidding. You mean I got taken and I didnt even see it?! JUDY Mr. Davis, Im so sorry... Music 6C: Dance Band Underscore PHIL Sorry? You were brilliant! Care to dance? BETTY We have a train, Judy. JUDY Oh, shush. - The formal type. (PHIL and JUDY go out on the floor to join the OTHER COUPLES.) BETTY Mr. Wallace, I apologize for my sister. BOB Judy didnt do anything wrong. She saw an angle and she worked it. BETTY An "angle"? BOB Sure, she played the percentage and she got what she wanted.

22. BETTY Percentages and angles. Isnt that pretty cynical? BOB Come on, Miss Haynes. Theres a little bit of larceny in all of us. BETTY My sister and I do not play angles. BOB Well, what was that phony letter if not an angle? Im sorry, do you mind if I just enjoy my drink? BETTY Please do. Just make sure you sip from the right angle. (Its BOBs turn to choke on his drink. Meanwhile, out on the dance floor:) JUDY Look at that. Theyre crazy about each other. PHIL Maybe Bob and I should come up to Vermont, join you two on that train tonight. JUDY But Bob doesnt want to go to Vermont. PHIL We wont tell him hes going there. JUDY Should be beautiful up there, all that snow. PHIL It cant be half as beautiful as this. Music 7: The Best Things Happen While Youre Dancing THE BEST THINGS HAPPEN WHILE YOURE DANCING, THINGS THAT YOU WOULD NOT DO AT HOME COME NATURLLY ON THE FLOOR. FOR DANCING SOME BECOMES ROMANCING, WHEN YOU HOLD A GIRL IN YOUR ARMS THAT YOUVE NEVER HELD BEFORE. EVEN GUYS WITH TWO LEFT FEET COME OUT ALL RIGHT IF THE GIRL IS SWEET, IF BY CHANCE THEIR CHEEKS SHOULD MEET WHILE DANCING,

23. PROVING THAT THE BEST THINGS HAPPEN WHILE YOU DANCE. (The OTHER COUPLES dance off as PHIL and JUDY dance into their dream. The nightclub disappears around them - we-re into a 1940s Hollywood Movie reality. OFFSTAGE QUINTET SINGERS take over the vocal.) OFFSTAGE QUINTET THE BEST THINGS HAPPEN WHILE YOURE DANCIN THINGS THAT YOU WOULD NOT DO AT HOME COME NATURLLY ON THE FLOOR. FOR DANCING SOON BECOMES ROMANCING, WHEN YOU HOLD A GIRL IN YOUR ARMS THAT YOUVE NEVER HELD BEFORE. EVEN GUYS WITH TWO LEFT FEET COME OUT ALL RIGHT IF THE GIRL IS SWEET, IF BY CHANCE THEIR CHEEKS SHOULD MEET WHILE DANCING, PROVING THAT THE BEST THINGS HAPPEN WHILE YOU DANCE. YOU DANCE YOU DANCE (Dance Break.) (At end of the number, the nightclub reassembles around PHIL and JUDY. PHIL and JUDY approach the table. BOB and BETTY sit in stony silence.) JUDY Well, that was fun. So how are you two doing? BOB Good. BETTY Terrific. BOB Great. BETTY Fine. PHIL Wed better get hoofin, pardner, if were gonna catch that train.

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JUDY Yes, us, too. PHIL Tell you what, Bob - Ill pick up the tickets and meet you at Grand Central. Dont you worry about a thing, Ill make all the arrangements. BOB Youre suddenly pretty eager. PHIL Hey, weve got work to do. Remember work? JUDY Well, it was a pleasure, Mr. Davis, and I hope we meet you again very, very soon. BOB Miss Haynes. BETTY Mr. Wallace, Id wish you a Merry Christmas, but you probably dont believe in Christmas. BOB [Growls out a humorless laugh.] (BOB and BETTY exit.) JUDY You still want to go through with this? PHIL Are you kidding? Weve got to get those two together! JUDY Wont Bob be angry going to Vermont when he things hes headed to Miami? PHIL Ill take care of Bob. Track 22? JUDY Track 22. Music 7A: Into the Train (PHIL and JUDY exit, with a thumbs-up to each other. The set changes to become...)

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Scene 5 A Train Car - later that night (Bob and PHIL sit next to each other in a small seat. SNORING MAN slumps beside BOB, snoring loudly. SNORING MANS WIFE knits severely. PASSENGER ONE, in a heavy coat, with skis on shoulder, crosses through the compartment singing a "Jingle Bells.") BOB Skis in Florida? Dream on, pal... (SNORING MAN lets out a loud snore.) BOB Well, I dont get it. Tessie said she booked us a drawing room to Miami. A private bar and two soft beds and a bathroom closer than ten cars away. (SNORING MAN lets out a rasping snore.) PHIL Mustve been some kind of a snafu with the tickets. CONDUCTOR (Passing through compartment.) Providence! Providence! (CONDUCTOR exits. Another loud snore.) BOB This is like traveling in a ration-can with Rip Van Winkle. (PASSENGER TWO crosses through the compartment all bundled up and carrying a large sled. He sings a different Christmas carol, very merrily.) BOB Arent these people wearing pretty heavy coats for Florida? PHIL These trains are always cold. Arent you freezing? Im gonna complain to the company. CONDUCTOR (Sticks his head in.) Providence! BOB Well, youre gonna boil in Miam- Did that guy say "Providence"?

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PHIL What? Provid...? Oh, an old Revolutionary there. (PASSENGER woman with PASSENGER THREE (Humming.) "Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made it out of clay..." PHIL (Helps her put the gifts up on the rack, and picks up her song, moving in close.) "...and when its dry and ready, my dreidel I shall play." Mazel tov! BOB Sit down. (Pulls PHIL away. PASSENGER THREE takes a seat in the car.) I keep thinking about those two poor girls on their way to Vermont. BOTH Oh, man. BOB An inn in Vermont. PHIL Could be beautiful up there, all that snow. BOB Yeah. Probably an old grist mill with some chintz curtains. PHIL Im very fond of chintz, myself... BOB I bet theres an old barn out back where they put on their pathetic little shows. PHIL Bob, you are psychic. (JUDY and BETTY enter.) JUDY Hey, you guys! Funny thing running into you here! yeah, Providence, Virginia. Its town. I think Jefferson came from THREE enters, an attractive a pile of gifts.)

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BOB Oh, no. No. No. No... BETTY Mr. Wallace, Im so sorry. I really didnt know until just this minute BOB So you dont play angles, huh. (SNORING MAN lets out a huge snore. To SNORING MAN:) Shut Up! MRS. SNORING MAN Well I never...! BETTY This is not an angle, at least its not my angle, its my sisters angle and Im very ashamed. BOB You ought to be ashamed - following us all the way to Florida. CONDUCTOR (Crossing through compartment.) Providence, Rhode Island! Arriving Providence! BOB "Arriving Providence, Rhode Island"? (Looks out window and sees the station theyre at.) I should have known I was being shanghaied back in "New Haven, Delaware." PHIL You might as well settle in, buddy. (SNORING MAN lets out a loud snore, and drops his head on BOBs shoulder. BOB is not pleased.) Come on, just think of it. Vermont! Music 8: Snow The pine trees, the clean cold air. Brrr! Just what we need to wake us up. JUDY Sure. The snow-covered slopes...skiing and schussing... PHIL Steaming hot cocoa...

28. MRS. SNORING MAN Its true, Mr. Wallace. Its very beautiful up there. PHIL Beautiful? Itll be a winter wonderland! PHIL SNOW! JUDY SNOW! MRS. SNORING MAN SNOW! ALL THREE SNOW! (The number becomes an opportunity for everyone to convince BOB and BETTY to get in the mood.) SNORING MAN (Waking up immediately.) SNOW! IT WONT BE LONG BEFORE WELL ALL BE THERE WITH SNOW! MRS. SNORING MAN SNOW! OH! I WANT TO WASH MY HANDS, MY FACE AND HAIR WITH SNOW. PHIL SNOW! I LONG TO CLEAR A PATH AND LIFT A SPADE OF SNOW. JUDY SNOW! OH, TO SEE A GREAT BIG MAN ENTIRELY MADE OF SNOW. ALL FOUR SNOW! WHERE ITS SNOWING ALL WINTER THROUGH, THATS WHERE I WANT TO BE.

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MRS. SNORING MAN SNOWBALL THROWING, THATS WHAT ILL DO, MR. SNORING MAN HOW IM LONGING TO SKI THROUGH THE ALL FOUR SNOW! THOSE GLISTENING HOUSES THAT SEEM TO BE BUILT OF SNOW! PHIL SNOW! OH, TO SEE A MOUNTAIN COVERED WITH A QUILT OF SNOW! JUDY & MRS. SNORING MAN WHAT IS CHRISTMAS WITH NO SNOW? PHIL NO WHITE CHRISTMAS WITH NO, MR. SNORING MAN NO, JUDY SNOW! MRS. SNORING MAN SNOW! ALL FOUR SNOW! (More and more PASSENGERS enter, joining into the song one by one, gradually building into full chorus:) ALL THE PASSENGERS SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! IT WONT BE LONG BEFORE (MORE)

30.

ALL THE PASSENGERS (contd) WELL ALL BE THERE WITH SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! I WANT TO WASH MY HANDS, MY FACE AND HAIR WITH SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! (PASSENGER FOUR enters, a grouchy woman.) I LONG TO CLEAR A PATH AND LIFT A SPADE OF SNOW! PASSENGER FOUR Bah! PASSENGERS SNO-OW! BOB Humbug! PASSENGERS SNO-OW! (The other passengers draw the grouchy woman in, and soon shes singing too.) WOMEN TO SEE A GREAT BIG MAN ENTIRELY MADE OF SNOW! JING, JING, JING! JING, JING, JING, JING! PASSENGERS JING, JING, JING! JING, JING, JING! MEN

31.

MEN WHERE ITS SNOWING ALL WINTER THROUGH, WOMEN THATS WHERE I WANT TO BE. PASSENGERS SNOWBALL THROWING, THATS WHAT ILL DO, HOW IM LONGING TO SKI THROUGH THE SNO-O-O-O-OW! THOSE GLISTENING HOUSES THAT SEEM TO BE BUILT OF SNOW! SNOW! O-OH! PHIL OH, TO SEE A MOUNTAIN COVERED WITH A QUILT OF SNOW! ENSEMBLE JING, JING, JING! JING, JING, JING, JING! BOB (Spoken, grumpily:) Jing, jing, jing, jing! Yourself! JUDY WHAT IS CHRISTMAS WITH NO SNOW? ENSEMBLE JING, JING, JING! JING, JING, JING! JING, JING! JING, JING, JING, JING! JING, JING,

PHIL NO WHITE CHRISTMAS WITH NOW SNOW? JUDY ILL SOON BE THERE WITH SNOW. ENSEMBLE ITS GONNA SNOW!

32.

PHIL ILL WASH MY HAIR WITH SNOW. ENSEMBLE ITS GONNA SNOW! MR. SNORING MAN ILL BUILD A MAN THATS MADE OF SNOW. ENSEMBLE ITS GONNA SNOW! BOB ID LIKE TO STAY UP WITH YOU, BUT ID RECOMMEND A LITTLE NAP. GO BACK TO SLEEP. PASSENGERS GO TO SLEEP AND DREAM. PHIL, JUDY, MR. & MRS. SNORING MAN OF SNOW! ENSEMBLE JING, JING, JING! PHIL, JUDY, MR. & MRS. SNORING MAN SNOW! ENSEMBLE JING, JING, JING! PHIL, JUDY, MR. & MRS. SNORING MAN SNOW! ENSEMBLE JING, JING, JING! JING, JING, JING, JING! ALL SIX (ADD BOB & BETTY) SNOW! PASSENGERS JING, JING, JING! JING, JING, JING, JING! ALL SNOW! (CONDUCTOR enters.)

33. CONDUCTOR Pinetree, Vermont! Temperature, 79 degrees! ALL What?! (A musical sting from the orchestra ends the number. The scene changes to...) Scene 6 The Front Desk at the Columbia Inn in Vermont later (Housekeeper MARTHA is fending off the train PASSENGERS, who were intending to be guests of the Inn. Our foursome is nowhere to be seen for now.) MARTHA All right, all right, so we dont have any snow. Im not a snow machine. And Im not a weatherman, either! Im sorry! PASSENGERS - Your brochure said youd have snow! - We came all the way from Tennessee! - Do you know what I paid for these skis? - I want my money back! - Its hot as hell out there!

MARTHA Oh, calm down, folks, calm down. Its not a disaster, its just a heat wave. MR. SNORING MAN In December? MARTHA This is Vermont. Were individuals up here. MRS. SNORING MAN You promised me thered be snow. MARTHA Well, Santa promised me a bunny rabbit and I never go that either. MR. SNORING MAN If I wanted a suntan Ida gone to San Juan! MRS. SNORING MAN Cmon, Herbert! Were going to Saskatchewan! (PASSENGERS exit, grumbling loudly.)

34.

MARTHA (As the PASSENGERS file out:) Theyre predicting a blizzard, you know! - Oh, I hope you all get stuck in it. Conformists! (Nine-year-old SUSAN WAVERLY enters.) SUSAN Martha! Martha, the mail came in. MARTHA The mail...Oh, the mail. Give me that. Weve got to hide these bills from your grandfather. SUSAN Why do we have to hide the bills from Grandpa? MARTHA Never you mind. (Glances through the bills one by one. Each one is worse.) Oh, dear...Oh, dear...Oh, Lordy... (She stuffs the bills in a box she pulls from under the counter. Then she notices an official looking envelope.) "Washington, D.C.?" Susie - excuse me, Susan - dont you have some homework you should be doing? (SUSAN exits as BOB, PHIL, BETTY and JUDY enter, all arguing ad lib.) PHIL Okay, so I was wrong about the snow. MARTHA May I help you? No-you-cant-have-your-deposit-back, yes-we have-space, you can have any room in the Inn including mine. Sign right here. BETTY Actually, were not guests. JUDY Were your entertainment. MARTHA Well, your audience just left. Youd better chase em, theyre moving fast. BOB "Hot cocoa and schussing." I could schuss somebody right now. "Clean cold air. Rrrr! Just what we need!"

35.

MARTHA Wait a minute, I know that voice. Youre Bob Wallace. PHIL (BOB remains stony-faced.) Look at that. Awww. You see how you touched him? MARTHA And Phil Davis! Wallace and Davis. Davis and Wallace. What the hell are you two doing in Pinetree? PHIL Bringing you the fabulous Haynes sisters. Just wait till you hear em warble. MARTHA Im sorry we wont be able to use you girls. Well pay you half-salary for canceling - if you dont mind taking most of it in postage stamps. BOB (Checking a train schedule.) Well, I can still catch the southbound express. It was a real pleasure, Miss Haynes. BETTY Delighted, Mr. Scrooge. (GENERAL WAVERLY enters.) WAVERLY Martha, where the devil is the mail? BOB Ten-shun! BOB & PHIL (Saluting) General Waverly, sir! WAVERLY At ease, men. BOB & PHIL (Still stiffly saluting.) Yes, sir! WAVERLY I said at ease! PHIL Yes, sir.

36.

WAVERLY How are you, Captain? BOB Im fine, General Waverly, but what are you doing up here? WAVERLY I happen to own this establishment. Whats your excuse? PHIL Well, we were just telling your wife... MARTHA Aaagh! No! No! Anything but that. His "wife"? You just put ten years on me. WAVERLY This is Martha Watson, my concierge. MARTHA "Concierge." At least he doesnt call me "sergeant" anymore. You know he once posted a sign, "Breakfast after calisthenics, 0600 hours"? In answer to the question, Your Majesty, they brought these gals to sing for the holidays. PHIL Theyre the sisters of Frankie Haynes, sir. WAVERLY Freckle-faced Haynes, the dog-faced boy? JUDY Frankie will be so pleased you remembered him. BETTY Its a real honor to meet you, General. SUSAN (Entering.) My grandfather is a hero. WAVERLY I think I hear my granddaughter. Susie is visiting for the holidays from California. SUSAN Its Susan, actually.

37.

WAVERLY Yes - the smart one in the family. BOB (Noting the enormous book she is carrying.) The strongest one, too. What is that, a Gutenberg Bible? SUSAN Im writing a report about the American Revolution and New England is where America began. But I really came for the snow. MARTHA Out of the mouths of you-know-who. SUSAN Dont make any personal calls. Martha listens at the switchboard. MARTHA I do not. I check the connection. Anyway, I already told the girls wed have to cancel. WAVERLY Cancel? Why? Weve got a stage out in that barn, dont we? (BOB reacts.) Something wrong, Captain? BOB No, sir. Just "Barn," sir. MARTHA Weve got a stage all right, but who are they going to sing to? WAVERLY We drafted these girls for the holidays and well pay them for the holidays. BETTY Thats very generous, but we dont want to... WAVERLY Miss Haynes, were going to have two feet of snow tonight and be full up tomorrow. JUDY Is that the forecast?

38.

WAVERLY No, its pigheadness. If theres one thing the army taught me, its to be positive - especially when I dont know what Im talking about. Now Martha, has the mail come? Im expecting a latter from Washington. MARTHA Washington? No, no, I havent seen any letter from Washington... SUSAN (Producing the letter.) You mean this letter, Grandpa? WAVERLY Thats the one. As you boys may have noticed, this Inn isnt a paying proposition yet. (MARTHA: "Ha!") This letter is my ticket. Im going back into the army. MARTHA Yes, he misses the food. Come on girls, let me show you up before Light-Horse Harry puts you on KP. PHIL (Pepe LePew-style, kissing Judys hand.) Au revoir, my leettle mountain flower. JUDY This is what I call Christmas! (MARTHA exits with BETTY and JUDY.) WAVERLY Anyway I wrote my old pal Carlton and applied for active duty. Maybe a training command, or a posting overseas... SUSAN Could I read the letter for you, Grandpa? WAVERLY (Gives her the letter.) Nice and clear, Susie. SUSAN (Reads:) "Dear Hank, why you dirty old B-A-S-T..." WAVERLY Here, Ill read that, honey, Ill read that. (Takes letter and reads:) "Dear Hank" - etcetera. "I got your very amusing letter. You must be turning into a real practical (MORE)

39.

WAVERLY (contd) joker, asking for a post at your ripe age..." Mm-hm...mm-hm...The rest is about his family... SUSAN Doesnt the army want you back, Grandpa? WAVERLY Not right now they dont. SUSAN But youre a hero, Grandpa. You should write to the president and ask him. WAVERLY Susie, thats a very good idea - and you can help me write that letter. Good to see you boys. (To SUSAN:) About face! Music 9: What Can You Do With a General? Forward march! To the left, to the left, to the left-right-left... (WAVERLY marches SUSAN out. MARTHA enters.) MARTHA Poor old guy. BOB Its that bad, huh. MARTHA He sank everything into this place. Pension. Lifes savings. (Produces the box of bills from behind her desk.) Just look at these bills. I havent had the heart to show them to him. The bank sent him a form letter thatd curl your hair. Pay up or youre out. BOB He doesnt know about that? MARTHA Would you tell him? MARTHA WHEN THE WAR WAS OVER THERE WERE JOBS GALORE FOR THE GI JOSEPHS WHO ERE IN THE WAR (MORE)

40.

MARTHA (contd) BUT FOR GENERALS THINGS WERE NOT SO GRAND AND ITS NOT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND. BOB WHAT CAN YOU DO WITH A GENERAL WHEN HE STOPS BEING A GENERAL? OH, WHAT CAN YOU DO WITH A GENERAL WHO RETIRES. PHIL WHOS GOT A JOB FOR A GENERAL WHEN HE STOPS BEIN A GENERAL BOB & PHIL THEY ALL GET A JOB BUT A GENERAL NO ON HIRES. MARTHA HE WALKS INTO AN OFFICE IN ANSWER TO AN AD HELL TAKE THE JOB THATS OFFERED THE PAY IS NOT TOO BAD THEY ASK HIS LATEST POSITION HE ANSWERS WITH A PUNCH "I WAS A GENERAL" AND THEY ASK HIM OUT TO LUNCH BOB AND HE HAS TO MEET THE MOB MARTHA BUT HE DOESNT GET THE JOB PHIL NOBODY THINGS OF ASSIGNING HIM WHEN THEYVE STOPPED WINING AND DINING HIM. BOB IT SEEMS THIS COUNTRY NEVER HAS ENJOYED SO MANY ONE... PHIL AND TWO... MARTHA AND THREE... ALL THREE AND FOUR STAR GENERALS UNEMPLOYED.

41.

BOB Listen, Phil. The Old Man needs some customers? We could work up a few. (BETTY and JUDY enter, unobserved, and stop to listen in.) PHIL You mean bribe some of the locals? BOB No, I mean why dont we bring the chorus up, and try out the new show right here? PHIL You know if you had better legs and some personality, Id marry you. MARTHA Gosh, a Wallace and Davis Revue would pack the place. PHIL Wed have to talk to the girls. Were horning in on their gig. BETTY (Stepping forward.) We heard the whole thing and its a terrific idea. JUDY I think so, too. BOB Great. We can headline you two at the top of the second act. Have you got your charts for the band? BETTY & JUDY Coming right up. (BETTY and JUDY exit.) MARTHA Mr. Wallace, theres this woman up here who used to be in show business. She sings and dances... BOB Great, she can work backstage as a dresser. Meantime, get me long distance. I have to call New York. MARTHA Aye aye, Captain! PHIL Thats Navy.

42.

MARTHA So court-martial me. (MARTHA exits.) PHIL New York? What for? BOB Sheldrake. Hes the contact for the 151st. Ralphs office sends out a letter to all the guys, we get some of the division up here for Christmas and buck up the Old Man. PHIL Wow. You know what I call that? BOB & PHIL A million-dollar proposition! WELL TAKE THE JOB OF ASSIGNING HIM LETS START WINING AND DINING HIM. BECAUSE THIS COUNTRY NEVER HAS ENJOYED SO MANY ONE-AND-TWO-AND THREEAND FOUR-STAR GENERALS UNEMPLOYED. BUT WEVE GOT A JOB FOR A GENERAL WHOS RETIRED! Music 9A: "General" Scene Change (THEY exit, the curtain closes, and the scene changes to...) Scene 7 The Barn Rehearsal Hall - the next day (MARTHA enters in front of the closed curtain with some old props, wearing a Follies-style hat.) MARTHA (Humming to herself.) "Theres no business like show business, like no business I..." (SUSAN appears, popping out from curtain.) SUSAN What are you doing? MARTHA Honey, you scared the life out of me.

43.

SUSAN Where did you get that silly hat? MARTHA Never mind. Come on give me a hand setting up the barn for rehearsal. SUSAN But the barn is where I work on my history report. MARTHA The American Revolution will still be there tomorrow. Now come on! Weve got show folks coming any minute. SUSAN Grandpa says show business in frivolous. MARTHA Frivolous? Do you know what Patrick Henry said? SUSAN "Give me liberty or give me death." MARTHA Do you know where he said it? SUSAN Where? MARTHA On the stage of the Winter Garden Theatre. Class Dismissed! (Calls out:) Ezekiel! Ezekiel Foster! (EZEKIEL enters in front of curtain, too. A taciturn, very slow-moving fellow.) EZEKIEL Ay-yup. MARTHA Open up the curtain. EZEKIEL Ay-yup. (Ezekiel exits, pretty much in slow-motion.) SUSAN Who is he?

44.

MARTHA He came with the barn. Music 9B: Barn Curtain (The stage curtain opens, revealing the barn, with a piano. BOB and PHIL enter.) BOB Well, its a barn, all right. SUSAN Mr. Wallace, the barn is my classroom. PHIL Wait a moment, do I smell a piano in this classroom? Yes, I do. Odeur de Steinway, number five. SUSAN Mr. Davis, you didnt really smell the piano. PHIL I can detect a spinet at fifty feet. BOB Dont confuse the child. (PHIL has sat at the piano and starts to play a little.) Music 9C: Always - Piano Solo MARTHA You know, Mr. Wallace, this woman here in town, she not only sings and dances... BOB Tell her to send us a picture. Well certainly consider her. (JUDY and BETTY enter.) JUDY I cant believe were performing in an actual barn. PHIL (Getting up from the piano.) You look better in a barn than most girls look in a Chanel gown. JUDY Maybe its all this clean, cold air.

45.

PHIL Maybe it isnt only the clean, cold air. JUDY You mean...? PHIL (Drawing closer.) Oh, I do mean. Yes do I mean. Yes, yes, yes... (He pulls JUDY aside, leaving BOB and BETTY stranded uneasily with each other.) BOB (To BETTY:) Hello. BETTY Hello. BOB They sure seem to be getting along. BETTY Unlike us, you mean? BOB No, I only mean... Well, yes, unlike us. But I thought you and I might BETTY Mr. Wallace, theres no need to be polite. Phil and Judy are... BOB Phil and Judy. BETTY Theyre Phil and Judy. And you and I are... BOB Bob and Betty. BETTY Were Bob and Betty. Exactly. Sometimes the twain wasnt meant to meet. BOB Sometimes the twain doesnt get out of the station. (CHORUS KIDS pour in.)

46.

CHORUS KIDS (Together, ad lib:) Hey, you guys! - Well look whos here! - Hiya, Judy! Can you believe this weather? - Hey wheres the snow? You look happy... (MIKE enters, the rather over-dramatic company stage manager.) MIKE All right, people, calm down! People, people, calm down, calm down! Ive got rehearsal schedules for the chorus, Ive got three sets of scene breakdowns, theyre labeled A, B and C, lets pass them out... BOB Mike, Mike - relax. Relax. Its just a show. MIKE Just a show. Mr. Wallace, do you realize you are attempting to stage a Broadway extravaganza in five days? And that the stage managers office is a pigsty? And I mean a real sty with an actual pig? BOB Well work him into the finale. Right now I want you all to meet Betty and Judy Haynes. This is Mike Nulty, stage manager. BETTY Hi. JUDY Hello. BOB Scooters on the keys. Thats Jim... JIM Hello. BOB And Gloria... GLORIA Hi. BOB And Marty... SCOOTER Hey. MIKE Hello.

47.

MARTY Hey. JUDY Hello. CHORUS KIDS (Introducing themselves to BETTY and JUDY) Debbie, Mark, Loretta, Connie, Gale...

BOB Hold your horses, hold your horses! Youll have a lot of time to meet them all up close. (RITA and RHODA enter.) RHODA Hiya, Philly! RITA Oh, Philly-dilly-oh! PHIL Hey, hey, its the Bobbsey twins! RITA Its a good thing I forgot my woolens. Given how sultry it is up here. RHODA As if it aint hot enough with Philly-dilly around. RITA I was hot all the way up just thinkin about you, Phil. RHODA But it aint the heat... RITA & RHODA Its the humidity! JUDY Hi. RHODA Pardon my innuendo, but whos she? PHIL Im sorry. Judy Haynes - Rita. Rhoda. JUDY Rotorooter. Hello.

48.

RITA Charmed, Im sure. RHODA As am I. JUDY Well, that makes two of us. RITA & RHODA Ooooh! BOB Okay kids. Were doing this show Christmas Eve, and its just around the corner so weve got to hustle. Scooter, give me a chord. Music 9D: Vocal Warm-Up (SCOOTER plays a chord and the kids all start vocal warm-ups while stretching.) CHORUS MEE, MAY, MY, MOE, MOO FEE, FAY, FY, FOE, FOO BEE, BAY, BY, BOW, BOO HA, HA, HA, HA! (WAVERLY enters barn, unnoticed, and amazed by this weird scene.) MEE, MAY, MY, MOE, MOO FEE, FAY, FY, FOE, FOO BEE, BAY, BY, BOW, BOO HA, HA, HA, HA! WAVERLY A-ten hut! (ALL go quiet.) What the devil is all this racket in here? PHIL The Broadway Battalion, reporting for Christmas duty, sir. WAVERLY Captain Wallace, what are all these troops? BOB We call it a cast, sir. The Haynes sisters gave us a spot in their act, so weve invited up a few volunteers.

49.

WAVERLY A few volunteers? This is half the population of Vermont! PHIL Show folks, you know. WAVERLY No, I dont know. I dont know anything about show business. MARTHA Well, the last time you saw a show, it was lit with candles. (CHORUS KIDS laugh, but WAVERLY stops them with a look.) WAVERLY Captain Wallace, if you boys are worried about a certain innkeeper, we dont need any charity here. BOB This isnt charity, sir. This is standard operating procedure. WAVERLY Well, as I say, I dont understand show business. PHIL We all have our gifts, sir. Ida never been any good as a general. WAVERLY You werent any good as a private! PHIL Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. WAVERLY Well, I expect you all to follow regulations. Music 9E: Waverlys Regulations Police the barn and perimeter. Rules for the fire squad are posted. Laundry detail can report to Miss Watson. Lights out at 2200 hours. Your command, Captain. Proceed. (WAVERLY exits.) RHODA Wow. No wonder were winning the war with Germany.

50.

RITA Rhoda - we won the war with Germany. RHODA Oh, good. MARTHA Mr. Wallace, this local woman who was in show business? She was in Walter Winchells column 15 times. BOB You keep her on call, Martha. MARTHA Sardis put her picture up in the ladies room. BOB Maybe we can use her for the last show. MARTHA Ethel Merman once said to her, in the wings, she said, "Honey, you are loud." You know how loud this woman was? BOB How loud? MARTHA Im glad you asked me that, senator. Music 10: Let Me Sing and Im Happy (Martha burts into song.) MARTHA WHAT CARE WHO MAKES LET THOSE TAKE CARE I THE LAWAS OF A NATION? WHO WILL OF ITS RIGHTS AND WRONGS.

WHAT CARE I WHO CARES FOR THE WORLDS AFFAIRS AS LONG AS I CAN SING ITS POPULAR SONGS? PHIL I know that voice. BOB Martha "The Megaphone" Watson!

51.

MARTHA Six flops in a row on the Great White Way. BOB Yeah, but you stopped the show in "Whoopdedoo." MARTHA Now stand back, Pinetree - Watsons back in town! (SHE sings. SCOOTER, at the piano, accompanies her. ALL gather around to watch her performance.) LET ME SING A FUNNY SONG WITH CRAZY WORDS THAT ROLL A-LONG AND IF MY SONG CAN START YOU LAUGHING IM HAPPY, HAPPY. LET ME SING A SAD REFRAIN OF BROKEN HEARTS THAT LOVED IN VAIN AND IF MY SONG CAN START YOU CRYING IM HAPPY. LET ME CROON A LOW-DOWN BLUES TO LIFT YOU OUT OF YOUR SEAT. IF MY SONG CAN REACH YOUR SHOES AND START YOU TAPPING YOUR FEET, IM HAPPY. LET THE AND IM ME SING OF DIXIES CHARMS, SWANEE SHORE AND MOTHERS ARMS, IF MY SONG CAN MAKE YOU HOME-SICK HAPPY (Spoken:) Just give me a follow spot, thats all I ask. Im like a sunflower. Put a light on me and I turn. (A spotlight hits her and she turns her face.) Hey Zeke, him me with some purple footlights. (Footlights come up.) Oooh, Im young again! Now drop in a show curtain tats gaudy as all get-out. (A show curtain drops into place behind her.) Voila! Now give me a top hat I can waggle and a magic wand of a cane (PHIL hands her a hat and cane. SHE sings:) AND IM HAPPY. LET ME CROON A LOW-DOWN BLUES, TO LIFT YOU OUT OF YOUR SEAT. IF MY SONG CAN REACH YOUR SHOES (MORE)

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MARTHA (contd) AND START YOU TAPPING YOUR FEET IM HAPPY. LET THE AND CAN CAN IM ME SING OF DIXIES CHARMS, SWANEE SHORE AND MOTHERS ARMS, IF MY SONG CAN MAKE YOU HOME-SICK, START YOU LAUGHING, START YOU CRYING, HAAAAA-PY (ALL give her a huge hand, whooping and cheering.)

SUSAN (Still applouding after everyone else stops.) Bravo! Encore! Encore! Martha, where did you learn to do all that? MARTHA You dont learn that, sweetie. Youre born with it. SUSAN Can I be born with it...? BOB Somebody get that woman a costume. MARTHA Costume? I want a two-year contract! (Calls offstage:) Zeke! Close me up! (The stage curtain closes, shutting off the barn. In-one:) RITA Catch you later, Philly. RHODA Ill be the one wearin next to nothin. (RITA and RHODA exit.) JUDY (Witheringly.) "Philly-dilly-oh." PHIL Judy, listen. Those girls are my cousins. We were in kindergarten together...! (PHIL and JUDY exit.)

53. MARTHA (To a small group of the CHORUS KIDS, including MIKE.) You kids are all staying out in the ski lodge. MIKE Which way is the ski lodge? MARTHA Im glad you asked me that, senator. Music 10A: Marthas Exit / Into Porch (SHE sings, leading them off:) LET ME SHOW YOU WHERE THAT IS, AND Im HAPPY! (ALL exit. The scene changes to...) Scene 8 The Front Porch of the Inn - that night (SUSAN is on the porch swinging in pajamas and slippers.) SUSAN Dear God, please, please bless Grandpa this Christmas. And bless Mommy and Daddy and the state of California, especially Pasadena. But remember to bless Grandpa most of all. Ill even give up snow - though frankly Id rather not. Amen. (BOB enters.) BOB Say there, Miss Susan, what are you doing wandering around in the middle of the night? Its bedtime. SUSAN Its all right, Mr. Wallace, Im on Pacific time. Im three hours behind. BOB Your grandfather will put you on military time if you dont get some shut-eye. Cmon. SUSAN I havent been sleeping so well in Vermont anyway. BOB Why is that? Are you homesick? (SUSAN shakes her head.) Have you got something on your mind?

54. SUSAN No. Nothing. Just the usual day-to-day concerns and stuff. BOB Those day-to-day concerns are killers, all right. (BETTY steps into view on the opposite side of the stage and stands, unseen, in the shadows, watching and listening in.) SUSAN Mr. Wallace, is Grandpa really going back in the army? BOB I dont know. He might sometime. SUSAN Could I go into the army with him? BOB You could volunteer, but you might be on the short side. SUSAN Mr. Wallace, is Grandpa very unhappy? BOB Yeah, Susan, I think he is. SUSAN I wish I could find a way to help him. Oh, I love him so much Mr. Wallace. BOB You just tell him. Maybe thats all the help he needs. SUSAN I want to tell him. I almost did today. But Im - Im kind of scared of him. BOB Dont feel bad. He used to scare 6,000 grown men at a time. Now you go on in and get to sleep. Music 11: Count Your Blessings Instead of Sheep SUSAN But how can I? All I think about is Grandpa. BOB Its really simple. You try the Bob Wallace method. WHEN IM WORRIED AND I CANT SLEEP, (MORE)

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BOB (contd) I COUNT MY BLESSINGS INSTEAD OF SHEEP, AND I FALL ASLEEP COUNTING MY BLESSINGS. WHEN MY BANKROLL IS GETTING SMALL, I THINK OF WHEN I HAD NONE AT ALL. AND I FALL ASLEEP COUNTING MY BLESSINGS. I THINK ABOUT A NURSRY AND I PICTURE CURLY HEADS, AND ONE BY ONE I COUNT THEM AS THEY SLUMBER IN THEIR BEDS. IF YOURE WORRIED AND YOU CANT SLEEP, JUST COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS INSTEAD OF SHEEP. AND YOULL FALL ASLEEP COUNTING YOUR BLESSINGS. (SUSAN has fallen asleep. WAVERLY enters, and BOB puts his finger to his lips. WAVERLY picks up SUSAN in his arms.) WAVERLY Night, Captain. BOB Good night, sir. (WAVERLY carries SUSAN inside. BETTY moves onto the porch.) BETTY Another insomniac. BOB Yeah, seems to be a whole club of us out here. BETTY That was very beautiful, what you told her. BOB Its just common sense is all... BETTY You cant take a compliment, can you?

56.

BOB Nope. Never could. BETTY Bob, I think your staying here and trying to help out the General - I think its on of the most decent and unselfish things Ive ever seen. BOB You talk about decent, try the Old Man. I once saw him lift a guy out of a burning Jeep and run fifty yards with him under fire. Im just a piker, compared to that. BETTY You dont really believe all that about angles and percentages, do you. "A little bit of larceny." You put up a good show, though. BOB Old habits, I guess. See, the neighborhood I grew up in, larceny was the only thing going around. Then I went into the army and found out different. I met people like the General, guys whod put their lives on the line for you, no questions asked. BETTY I found that in show business. Those kids that came up here today...? BOB A bunch of big hearts, all right. Well, I should get some shut eye. If I can. BETTY Its very simple. Just try the new Betty Haynes method. IF IM WORRIED AND I CANT SLEEP, I COUNT MY BLESSINGS INSTEAD OF SHEEP AND ILL FALL ASLEEP COUNTING MY BLESSBOB -IF YOURE WORRIED AND YOU CANT SLEEP, BOB & BETTY JUST COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS INSTEAD OF SHEEP, AND YOULL FALL ASLEEP COUNTING YOUR BLESSINGS

57.

(THEY kiss.) BETTY Good night, Bob. BOB See you round the mess hall. (BETTY exits into the house. BOB looks up at the star-filled sky, a surprised smile on his face.) Scene 9 Ralph Sheldrakes Office in New York: Marthas Switchboard - morning (There is the sound of a cacophony of telephones ringing and receptionists voices answering them, and we hear the following in the foreground as the scene changes:) SECRETARYS VOICE Good morning, the Ed Sullivan Show. Yes, Miss Clooney, Ill connect you. (RING.) Good morning, the Ed Sullivan Show. Joe Jimenez? One moment, Se nor Jimenez. (RING.) Good morning, the Ed Sullivan Show. Im sorry, Miss Kilgallen, Mr. Sullivan is on another line. (RING.) Good morning, the Ed Sullivan Show... (The SECRETARYs voice fades out in a sea of telephone rings. By now we see SHELDRAKE on his phone in his office, visible on one side of the stage.) SHELDRAKE Let me get this straight, Mr. Banks. Your client refuses to go on after Topo Gigio The Lovable Italian Mouse? Mr. Banks, may I remind you that Topo Gigio is an American institution? May I also remind you that your client is Slinky the Seal? He juggles balls and catches fish and doesnt know a thing about comedy. Well, would he follow Se nor Wences and his talking box? Okay, okay, you talk to Slinky, Ill talk to Topo, well talk. Gbye. (HE hangs up and buzzes the intercom:) Ethel. SECRETARYS VOICE Yes, Mr. Sheldrake.

58.

SHELDRAKE Did you send out those letters to the guys from the 151st? About going up to this Inn for Christmas? SECRETARYS VOICE Yes, sir. SHELDRAKE Youre a peach. Now could you get me the Columbia Inn? I need Bob Wallace on the line. (The scene splits as MARTHAs switchboard room appears on the other side of the stage. MARTHA sits at the switchboard.) MARTHA Good morning. Columbia Inn. Weather? Yes, we have plenty of weather, come on up and see it. (Swithboard buzzes.) -Good morning, Columbia Inn. Do we have entertainment? (She bursts into song:) "And if my song can make you - !" (Shes been cut off.) Hello? Hello? (Switchboard buzzes.) -Good morning, Columbia Inn. SHELDRAKE Morning, Captain Wallace! MARTHA This is not Captain Wallace, this is Martha Watson. SHELDRAKE Martha Washington? MARTHA Watson. Watson. SHELDRAKE Oh, Martha Watson. I didnt think I was that old. MARTHA Neither did I. SHELDRAKE Martha, this is Ralph Sheldrake in New York. MARTHA Oh!

59. SHELDRAKE Would you pass on a message to Bob Wallace for me? Just tell him our secret scheme is going great. MARTHA Secret scheme...? SHELDRAKE About this inn up there. The Columbia Inn. Heres the deal: the company is ready to come up and take it over - Christmas Eve. MARTHA A company is taking over the Inn...? SHELDRAKE The whole divisions been alerted. The old manll never know what hit him. Say this to Bob, quote: this is a million-dollar proposition. MARTHA A million dollars? But Mr. Sheldrake, I dont understand... SHELDRAKE Dont worry, Bobll know what I mean. And say, Martha, keep this on the q.t., will you? MARTHA Yes, but Mr. Sheldrake... SHELDRAKE Great! Youre a peach! (SHELDRAKE hangs up. The switchboard buzzes several times.) MARTHA (Trying to make sense of what shes just heard.) Bobs got a company...? Oh my gosh! Hes trying to buy up the Inn! Music 12: Into the Rehearsal Hall (The scene changes to:) Scene 10 The Barn Rehearsal Hall - later that day (Music, bright and lively. Some of the CHORUS KIDS are working on a number. It is clear over the course of the scene that a number is in the process of being readied for a full rehearsal.)

60.

DANCE CAPTAIN No, no ,no! Stop! Again from the top, a-five, six, seven, eight... (THEY dance as MIKE enters and points to a half-raised drop upstage.) MIKE Can we lift this drop! Can we please lift this drop! (Whistles loudly to stop music and DANCERS.) People! People! (DANCERS and piano stop. Calls out into the wings:) Ezekiel! Ezekiel Foster? (EZEKIEL etners, as lethargic as ever.) EZEKIEL Ay-yuh. MIKE Do you realize we are in a crisis? EZEKIEL Ay-yuh. (EZEKIEL exits. MIKE throws up his hands in exasperation.) DANCE CAPTAIN (Starting the DANCERS up again.) A-five, six, seven, eight... (PHIL enters.) PHIL Morning, Mike. Did you say somthing about a crisis? MIKE Put up a show in five days? Why not. They say God took a week. PHIL Everyings faster now. MIKE (Shooing some CHORUS KIDS out of the works space.) People! People! (MIKE and thos CHORUS KIDS exit.) DANCE CAPTAIN One more time! (DANCERS and PIANO resume their work as JUDY enters.)

61.

PHIL Morning, sweethart! Are we friends again? JUDY I didnt know we ever stopped... RITA & RHODA (Offstage:) Oh, Philly-Dilly! JUDY ...but dont press your luck. (RITA and RHODA enter, wearing scanty Christmas-themed outfits.) RITA Hey, Philly, we come up with some new costumes for the show. RHODA Whaddya think? PHIL Girls, this is a family show, weve got to try and keep it clean. RITA We already thought of that. RHODA Hows this for the kids? RITA & RHODA (Swaying back and forth like bells.) Were bells! Ding-dong! Ding-dong! (RITA and RHODA exit.) PHIL (Following them.) Ill go talk to wardrobe. JUDY (Pointing the other way.) Wardrobes that way. (PHIL does a one-eighty and exits. BETTY enters.) BETTY Morning! MIKE (To BETTY, sweetly.) Morning.

62.

(To a group of lingering CHORUS KIDS, impatiently.) People! People! BETTY Morning! JUDY You sure look bright-eyed today. BETTY You might say Santa came early this year. JUDY If youre talking about Santa Bob Wallace, it couldnt have happened to a nicer girl. BETTY We had a long talk last night. Judy, I didnt think they made guys like that anymore. JUDY (Kisses her sisters cheek.) Happy holiday, sister. ASST SEAMSTRESS (Crossing through, tosses a hat.) Hat? DANCER (Catching it.) Thanks! (JUDY moves off to start work as MARTHA enters.) MARTHA Oh, Betty - Betty, theres a telegram for you. From New York! BETTY (Taking the telegram:) For me? Quite a day. MARTHA "From the Regency Room at the Imperial" - stop. "Can you come immediately" - stop. "Solo engagement, you name the terms" - stop. Signed What-are-you-waiting-for-were-the-Regency Room. BETTY What did you do, hold it up to the light?

63.

MARTHA Thats for amateurs. I use steam. MIKE (Crossing through.) Five minutes, ladies! Five minutes! People, people, FIVE! MARTHA Too bad youd have to give up Pinetree to take this job. Are you gonna take this job? BETTY What, and give up Pinetree? MARTHA You are so honorable. Too bad everybody around here isnt as honorable as you... BETTY Anybody in particular? MARTHA I shouldnt tell you this - but. I had a call from a Mr. Sheldrake, a friend of Bobs - sounded like some big real estate man. Betty, they are scheming to buy up the Inn. BETTY Theyre what? MARTHA "Our secret plan is going great," he says. Says to me hes got a company all ready to take over the Inn - on Christmas Eve, no less. The old manll never know what hit him, he says. Oh - and then he says its a million dollar deal and he swears me to silence. BETTY Thats not possible... MARTHA Theyre not even gonna warn the old coot, just kick him in the drawers. BETTY Bob couldnt be involved in something like that. MARTHA If Im wrong, Ill resign as President of the New England chapter of Busybodies Anonymous. (SUSAN enters.)

64.

SUSAN Martha! Grandpa found all the bills youve been hiding. Is he angry. MARTHA Oh, Jupiter, Im in trouble now. SUSAN What are we going to do? MARTHA Honey, theres only one honorable thing to do. Were gonna hide. (MARTHA and SUSAN exit.) MIKE (Entering.) Can we lift this drop? Can we please lift this drop? Ezekiel? (MIKE goes off to find Ezekiel as BOB enters in costume for "Blue Skies.") BOB Morning, Miss Haynes. How did you sleep? I didnt sleep a wink myself. Yep. One of the best nights of my life. Whats the matter? BETTY You got a message from a Mr. Sheldrake. It seems your secret scheme is working out. BOB Beautiful. Beautiful. BETTY A million-dollar deal, huh. BOB Million-dollar proposition. Thats old Ralphie. Boy, hows this for a great little angle? BETTY Brilliant BOB This oughta help the old man. BETTY Help him? Is that what you call it? BOB Sure. Thisll take the load right off him.

65.

BETTY "A little bit of larceny in all of us..." BOB Thisll put larceny out of a business. Say, youll keep this under your lid, wont you? BETTY I cant believe youd have the gall to... (Starts out.) Excuse me. BOB Hey, what is all this? BETTY Oh, dont let me interfere in the business plans of the great Bob Wallace. And I have a telegram to answer. BOB Say, if this is about last night... BETTY Id rather not discuss that. BOB It was just a little kiss. Theres nothing to feel guilty about. BETTY Look whos talking about guilt! BOB Am I supposed to feel guilty about something? BETTY Are we finished? Is that all, Mr. Wallace? BOB Yeah. Thats all, Miss Haynes. (BETTY exits. WAVERLY enters with the box of bills.) WAVERLY Martha! Where the devil is that woman? (WAVERLY exits.) MIKE (Crossing through:) Places! Is everyone in costume? (PHIL enters.)

66. PHIL Paging Mr. Wallace! Your number, Mr. Wallace! BOB Phil, have you ever figured out women? PHIL Yeah, they have long hair and theyre smarter than we are. Next question? BOB Aw, forget it. Listen, pal - we got the word from Ralph. Letters went out to the 151st to get some guys up here for Christmas. We are solid. PHIL Great! (Some of the CHORUS KIDS begin to enter, in costume.) MIKE (Entering.) Okay, boys and girls. Here we go. Now lift this drop! (The remaining CHORUS KIDS scramble on and take their places - the opening tableau of the number isnt fully in place until a second before the opening line.) Music 13, A-C: Blue Skies BOB I WAS BLUE, JUST AS BLUE AS I COULD BE. EVRY DAY WAS A CLOUDY DAY FOR ME. THEN GOOD LUCK CAME A-KNOCKING AT MY DOOR. SKIES WERE GRAY, BUT THEYRE NOT GRAY ANYMORE. (The physical production builds around this, but the number is still very much a rehearsal. The scenery and production elements are not complete until the end of the number.) BLUE SKIES SMILING AT ME, NOTHING BUT BLUE SKIES DO I SEE. BLUEBIRDS SINGING A SONG, (MORE)

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BOB (contd) NOTHING BUT BLUEBIRDS ALL DAY LONG. NEVER SAW THE SUN SHINING SO BRIGHT, NEVER SAW THINGS GOING SO RIGHT. NOTICING THE DAYS HURRYING BY; WHEN YOURE IN LOVE, MY, HOW THEY FLY. BLUE DAYS, ALL OF THEM GONE. NOTHING BUT BLUE SKIES FROM NOW ON.

68.

BOB SMILING AT ME BLUE SKIES DO I SEE

ENSEMBLE BLUE SKIES SMILING AT ME, NOTHING BUT BLUE SKIES DO I SEE.

CANT YOU HEAR THOSE BLUEBIRDS SINGING A SONG? SINGING A SONG NOTHING BUT BLUEBIRDS HAP-HAPPY BLUEBIRDS ALL DAY LONG. NEVER SAW THE SUN SHINING SO BRIGHT, NEVER SAW THINGS GOING SO RIGHT. NOTICING THE DAYS HURRYING BY, WHEN YOURE IN LOVE, MY, HOW THEY FLY. BLUE DAYS BLUE DAYS ALL OF THEM GONE, ALL OF THEM GONE, NOTHING BUT BLUE, BLUE, BLUE SKIES FROM NOW ON BLUE SKIES FROM NOW ON. BLUEBIRDS SINGING, SINGING

ALL DAY LONG. ITS SO BRIGHT WHEN THINGS GO RIGHT THEY HURRY BY, WHEN YOURE IN LOVE, MY HOW THEY FLY.

(Dance: MARTHA enters into the middle of the DANCERS, followed by SUSAN.) SUSAN Martha! Grandpas chasing you! MARTHA I know, honey. I know. But I cant talk to Grandpa right now. (MIKE enters.) MIKE What are you doing? What are you doing?! Get off my stage. Get off my stage! Looking good everyone! And hat! And hat! And hat! And hat!

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(MIKE chases MARTHA and SUSAN off.) (Dance continues. WAVERLY enters with box of bills.) WAVERLY Martha! Martha! (WAVERLY momentarily gets caught in the dance, then exits.) BOB & ENSEMBLE BLUE SKIES SMILIN AT ME, NOTHIN BUT BLUE SKIES DO I SEE. BLUEBIRDS SINGING A SONG, SINGING A SONG, NOTHING BUT BLUE, BLUEBIRDS ALL DAY LONG. NEVER SAW THE SUN SHINING SO BRIGHT, NEVER SAW THINGS GOING SO RIGHT. (MARTHA and SUSAN run across the stage.) NOTICING THE DAYS HURRYING BY; WHEN YOURE IN LOVE, BOB MY HOW THEY FLY. BLUE DAYS, ALL OF THEM GONE, (WAVERLY enters.) WAVERLY Miss Watson! OOOAAHENSEMBLE

70.

BOB NOTHING BUT BLUE SKIES,

ENSEMBLE NOTHING BUT BLUE SKIES, NOTHING BUT BLUE SKIES, NOTHING BUT BLUE SKIES FROM NOW ON! FROM NOW ON! FROM NOW ON! BLUE SKIES FROM NOW ON, FROM NOW ON! (MARTHA and SUSAN enter.) NOTHING BUT BLUE SKIES, BLUE SKIES FROM NOW ON! FROM NOW ON! FROM NOW ON! BLUE SKIES FROM NOW ON, FROM NOW ON!

WAVERLY (Holding up a handful of papers.) Martha, what is the meaining of all these bills? BOB FROM NOW ON! ENSEMBLE FROM NOW ON!

(WAVERLY thows the bills into the air, hands MARTHA the box and exits in a rage. As the bills snow down onto the stage, the CHORUS continues dancing. MIKE enters.) MIKE Curtain! Curtain! Blackout!

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ACT II Music 14: Entracte Scene 1 Onstage at the Barn Theatre - the next day (PHIL and JUDY enter in front of the curtain; they are doing a run-through of their number, which will progress into a full-blown production number with them and the CHORUS KIDS. The number has full costumes and scenery - a fantasy of a piano.) Music 15: I Love a Piano PHIL AS A CHILD I WENT WILD WHEN A BAND PLAYED. JUDY HOW I RAN TO THE MAN WHEN HIS HAND SWAYED. PHIL CLARINETS WERE MY PETS, JUDY AND A SLIDE TROMBONE I THOUGHT WERE SIMPLY DIVINE. PHIL EVRY BAR IS A JAR TO MY SYSTEM; BUT THERES ONE MUSICAL INSTRUMENT THAT I CALL MINE. (The curtain opens, and PHIL and JUDY step back onto the stage. A small toy piano rolls on.) I LOVE A PIANO, I LOVE A PIANO. I LOVE TO HEAR SOMEBODY PLAY UPON A PIANO, A GRAND PIANO, IT SIMPLY CARRIES ME AWAY.

72. PHIL & JUDY I KNOW A FINE WAY TO TREAT A STEINWAY, I LOVE TO RUN MY FINGERS OER THE KEYS, THE IVORIES, JUDY AND WITH THE PEDAL I LOVE TO MEDDLE. NOT ONLY MUSIC FROM BROADWAY. PHIL IM SO DELIGHTED, IF IM INVITED TO HEAR A LONG-HAIRED GENIUS PLAY. PHIL & JUDY SO YOU CAN KEEP YOUR FIDDLE AND YOUR BOW. GIVE ME A P-I-A-N-O, OH, OH, JUDY I LOVE TO STOP RIGHT BESIDE AN UPRIGHT, PHIL OR A HIGH-TONED BABY GRAND. FEMALE I I I ENSEMBLE LOVE A PIANO, LOVE A PIANO LOVE TO HEAR SOMEBODY PLAY

UPON A PIANO, A GRAND PIANO, IT SIMPLY CARRIES ME AWAY. I KNOW A FINE WAY TO TREAT A STEINWAY, I LOVE TO RUN MY FINGERS OER THE KEYS, THE IVORIES, AND WITH THE PEDAL I LOVE TO MEDDLE. NOT ONLY MUSIC FROM BROADWAY. IM SO DELIGHTED, IF IM INVITED TO HEAR A LONG-HAIRED GENIUS PLAY. SO YOU CAN KEEP YOUR FIDDLE AND YOUR BOW, GIVE ME A P-I-A-N-O, OH, OH, I LOVE TO STOP RIGHT BESIDE AN UPRIGHT, OR A HIGH-TONED BABY GRAND.

73.

(At end struck, back in costume SUSAN

of number, the scenery is the drops fly out, and were the barn. SUSAN enters in a she obviously made herself.)

Mr. Davis! Mr. Davis, can I be in the show? Ive been watching and it doesnt look too hard. PHIL But Susie... I mean Susan SUSAN Susies fine. Or if you want, you can call me Broadway Sue. SEAMSTRESS (Entering.) Judy - costume change. You and Betty have your number in ten minutes. JUDY Oh, thats right. (JUDY hurries out.) SUSAN So Mr. Davis, can I be in the show? PHIL Broadway Sue, dont you have a history report to write? SUSAN What, and give up show business? Dont forget, this is my grandfathers barn. PHIL Youre not a performer - youre a producer. SUSAN What does a producer do? PHIL Anything they want. But first they do their homework. Go on, Broadway Sue. Take off your make-up. Shows over. (PHIL motions her out and SUSAN starts out, clearly dispirited.) SEAMSTRESS I like the costume, Susie.

74.

SUSAN Lot of good it did me. Guess Ill just go to my dressing room and have a scene. (SUSAN exits as MIKE enters.) MIKE Ten minutes! Ten glorious minutes! (DANCERS start to exit, followed by MIKE. At some point over the following scene, EZEKIEL enters to clear the stage of whatever props or sets have been used. As always, he does this very slowly.) DANCERS (Chanting and tapping as they go out.) P-I-A-N-O-O-O! MIKE Set up for Betty and Judys number! (RITA and RHODA enter in skimpy show outfits.) PHIL (Wolf-whistles.) Shazam! Hubba-hubbiferous! RITA Sorry, Phil. No chance. RHODA Youre already taken. PHIL Taken? What do you mean, taken? (JUDY enters in her "Sisters" outfit.) JUDY What do you mean, what do they mean? They mean taken. As in taken. PHIL I know what taken means. Im just wondering what "taken" really means. (RITA & RHODA laugh and exit.) "Taken"...? JUDY Maybe you should forget about this word "taken" and remember the two of us, and me. Remember me? Your leetle mountain flower? "Yes yes yes I mean yes"?

75.

PHIL Judy, look. Maybe you and I need some time apart. JUDY We are locked in a barn in Vermont. (MARTHA enters.) MARTHA Judy, I think youd better go talk to Betty. Shes packing for New York. JUDY Packing? Why? PHIL You know, I happen to be a free man! MARTHA Uh-oh. JUDY You and I will talk later on. MARTHA Uh-oh. (JUDY exits.) WAVERLY (From offstage:) Martha! MARTHA UH-OH! (WAVERLY enters.) WAVERLY Martha, Im still waiting for an explanation about those bills. MARTHA That was quite a mess you left me. I shouldve made you clean it up. WAVERLY Im still waiting. MARTHA I did it for your own good, thats my explanation. Because I thought if I put my brain to it, I might be able to get this place out of the red and you into the pink again. And if thats not a good enough explanation, you can shove it up your vacuum cleaner and turn it on high!

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(BOB has entered during this.) BOB Say, whats going on today? MARTHA, GENERAL & PHIL Nothing! (WAVERLY, MARTHA & PHIL exit.) BOB Uh-oh... EZEKIEL Ay-yup. BOB Ay-yup. (BOB exits as MIKE enters. The curtain comes down for scene change. We are in-one.) MIKE (Barely suppressing tight-wound emotions while EZEKIEL listens expressionlessly.) Mr. Foster, may I have a word with you? Please do not say "Ay-up." I am used to a union crew, a Broadway theatre and a professional staff. Instead, I have hay where it does not belong, and Mr. Pig my office mate just ate the finale. Dont just sit there. Do something! (MIKE exits. When hes gone, EZEKIEL does a little tap dance.) EZEKIEL I LOVE A PIANO I LOVE A PIANO I LOVE TO HEAR MIKE (From offstage:) Ezekiel! (Blackout.) Music 15A: Into the Bedroom

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Scene 2 Bettys Room in the Inn - soon after (BETTY is packing a suitcase as JUDY watches.) JUDY But we have a contract here. BETTY I have to leave, Judy. I thought youd understand. JUDY Without any explanation? BETTY Its something that was told to me in confidence. JUDY You cant break a confidence but you can go off and play the Regency Room? Its a big break, Im glad you got it, but whatever happened to Miss "Honesty-Is-The-Best-Policy"? Did she turn into Mussolini all of a sudden? BETTY Honey, it just breaks my heart. JUDY Arent you in love with Bob? BETTY I thought I was. JUDY What did he do to drive you off like this? BETTY Lets just say Bobs not the man I thought he was. JUDY What man ever is? BETTY Well, he got my hopes up. JUDY Bob is the most decent guy on earth. Unlike his partner. (KNOCK.)

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BETTY & JUDY Were busy! (MARTHA enters.) MARTHA Now what the devils all this about packing? Good Lord, Im even talking like the old rooster. JUDY Its about Bob and Betty. And maybe about Phil and Judy, too. MARTHA Well, when you get involved with a song-and-dance man, thats just what you get - a song and a dance. I learned that from the twenty-three horn players I went out with. Scum. Every last one of them. JUDY Id go with you, Betty - except I want to stick around and tear Phils head off. MARTHA Well, I say congratulations. Music 16: Falling Out of Love can be Fun BETTY "Congratulations?" MARTHA This is America. Sisters, celebrate your freedom. You have nothing to lose but your girdles. CROCODILE TEARS WILL NOT BE SHED, THEYRE NOT FOR A LADY LIKE IM. I CAN RECALL WHAT MY AUNT SAID WHEN SHE MARRIED FOR THE TWENTIETH TIME. FALLING OUT OF LOVE CAN BE FUN. AFTER LOVE IS OVER AND DONE ITS AN AWFUL BLOW BUT ALTHOUGH ITS UPSETTING SO MUCH YOU CAN DO WHILE YOURE FORGETTING FALLING OUT OF LOVE CAN BE FUN. BETTY CAN BE FUN! JUDY CAN BE FUN!

79.

MARTHA CAN BE FUN! BETTY & JUDY WHAT? MARTHA WHEN YOU FIND YOUR LOVER HAS GONE BETTY & JUDY WHEN YOU FIND YOUR LOVER HAS GONE MARTHA GET YOUR SECOND WIND AND GO ON. BETTY & JUDY GET YOUR SECOND WIND AND GO ON! MARTHA THERES AN OLD AFFAIR THAT IS THERE FOR RENEWING. ALL THREE IN YOUR GRIEF DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOURE DOING? MARTHA FALLING OUT OF LOVE CAN BE FUN. BETTY & JUDY YOURE LOVERS DEPARTED, BUT DONT BE BROKEN HEARTED! MARTHA SOON SWINGING IN A HAMMOCK ON A PORCH. BETTY & JUDY SWINGIN, SWINGIN, SWINGIN. MARTHA ONE ARM WRAPPED AROUND SOMEONE ELSE, THE OTHER ONE CARRYING THE TORCH. BETTY & JUDY WHAT WERE YOU THINKIN? ALL THREE LOVE CAN GIVE A LADY A CLOUT AND SHE MAY BE DOWN, BUT NOT OUT. MARTHA GET YOURSELF A DATE, DONT YOU WAIT TILL THE COUNT OF TEN.

80.

ALL THREE THEN FALLING OUT OF LOVE CAN BE FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN. BETTY FALLING OUT OF LOVE CAN BE FUN. MARTHA DO TELL! BETTY SOMEONE ELSE MAY SOON BE THE ONE. JUDY & MARTHA LIKE HELL! BETTY BY ANOTHER NAME HES THE SAME AS HIS BROTHER. ALL THREE CLOSE YOUR EYES AND ONE IS LIKE THE OTHER. BETTY FALLING OUT OF LOVE CAN BE FUN. JUDY & MARTHA HES LIKE HIS BROTHER, ALL THREE ONES JUST THE OTHER. JUDY IF HE LEAVES YOU AFTER YOURE WED, BETTY & MARTHA HIGH AND DRY. JUDY AND THE STORK IS OVER YOUR HEAD, BETTY & MARTHA ME, OH MY. JUDY SOON YOURE GONNA BE WITH A SHE OR A LADDIE. ALL THREE SMILE AS YOU GO SHOPPING FOR A DADDY. FALLING OUT OF LOVE CAN BE FUN.

81.

ALL THREE SOON YOULL BE LOSING ALL YOUR TROUBLES AND YOUR FEARS. ONE EYE WINKING AT SOMEONE ELSE. THE OTHER EY FILLING UP WITH TEARS (SUSAN enters.) SUSAN Betty, Judy - Bob wants you onstage for your number, right now! JUDY So hes demanding our presence now. MARTHA Isnt that just like a man! BETTY Susan, tell him to tak a long walk off a high ski jump. SUSAN Okay. (SUSAN exits.) ALL THREE WHEN YOU FIND YOUR LOVING ROMANCE GETS A SUDDEN KICK IN THE PANTS, GET YOURSELF SURROUNDED AND BOUNDED WITH LOTS OF MEN. THEN FALLING OUT OF LOVE CAN BE, FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN. AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN. FALLING OUT OF LOVE CAN BE FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN, MARTHA AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND ALL THREE AGAIN! Music 16A: Falling Out of Love Playoff (JUDY gives BETTY the suitcase, MARTHA hands BETTY her coat. The scene changes to...)

82.

Scene 3 The Rehearsal Hall - shortly thereafter (BOB and PHIL are conferring about the show. SCOOTER is sitting at the piano, and a few FEMALE DANCERS are hanging out, waiting for rehearsal to resume. MIKE enters.) MIKE (To FEMALE DANCERS:) Ladies. Have any of you seen the Haynes sisters? FEMALE DANCERS (Variously.) No. - Not me. - Not for a while. - I havent seen them. (Etc.) MIKE Bob, I have looked everywhere. Their room, the game room, the ladies room, the milking room...I cannot find them. (Exiting and calling:) Betty and Judy Haynes! PHIL I think Ill turn him into an opera. BOB Just add a title. (EZEKIEL enters.) EZEKIEL Ya know, Bob, weve got to set these lights for the girls number. The band goes off in ten minutes. We dont do it now - we aint gonna. BOB Hey girls! Do any of you know this routine? FEMALE DANCERS Uh-uh. - Not me. - Sorry. (Etc.) BOB Okay, partner. Guess weve got no choice. PHIL Do you mean what I think you mean? BOB Uh-huh. (Starts out.) (MORE)

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BOB (contd) Ezekiel, hit me with number seventeen. Surprise pink. PHIL Aw, no, not the surprise pink... Music 17: Sisters (Reprise) (BOB and PHIL exit, followed by EZEKIEL. Music starts, and BOB and PHIL re-enter with pants legs rolled up, carrying ostrich fans. Though they begin reluctantly, by the end of the number they are really having fun - especially BOB.) BOB & PHIL SISTERS, SISTERS, THERE WERE NEVER SUCH DEVOTED SISTERS. PHIL NEVER HAD TO HAVE A CHAPERONE, NO, SIR, BOB IM THERE TO KEEP MY EYE ON HER BOTH CARING, SHARING, EVRY LITTLE THING THAT WE ARE WEARING. PHIL WHEN A CERTAIN GENTLEMAN ARRIVED FROM ROME, BOB SHE WORE THE DRESS AND I STAYED HOME. BOTH ALL KINDS OF WEATHER, WE STICK TOGETHER, THE SAME IN THE RAIN OR SUN. TWO DIFFERENT FACES, BUT IN TIGHT PLACES, WE THINK AND WE ACT AS ONE. (Spoken:) Uh-huh. PHIL THOSE WHOVE SEEN US KNOW THAT NOT A THING COULD COME BETWEEN US.

84. BOB MANY MEN HAVE TRIED TO SPLIT US UP, BUT NO ONE CAN. BOTH LORD HELP THE MISTER WHO COMES BETWEEN ME AND MY SISTER AND LORD HELP THE SISTER WHO COMES BETWEEN ME AND MY MAN. SISTERS! EVER-LOVIN SISTERS! BOB Remember how you told me to have fun? PHIL Yeah? BOB Well, Im having it! BOB & PHIL SISTER, DONT COME BETWEEN ME AND MY MAN! (Music ends. WAVERLY enters and catches them in their final pose.) WAVERLY At ease, men. (Together.) BOB How are you, General? PHIL We were just testing the fans. BOB Were not really in this number. PHIL He made me do this. BOB Union rules. WAVERLY Ah-ha... (SUSAN enters.) PHIL Afternoon, General.

85.

SUSAN Mr. Wallace! I have a secret I cant tell you. BOB Do you want to tell me the secret now or later? SUSAN Betty just left for New York. Judy drove her to the station. BOB New York? What for...? SUSAN She thinks youre not the man she thought you were but I bet shed reconsider. BOB Oh, thats what she thinks, huh. SUSAN Meantime she said you should walk off the ski jump. WAVERLY Actually, Captain, Miss Haynes got a telegram. BOB What did it say? "Bob Wallace isnt the man you thought he was - leave town?" Everybody take five, please. WAVERLY (Producing the telegram.) Well, I took the liberty of, ah, borrowing the wire. Have a look for yourself. BOB (Taking the telegram.) "The Regency Room..." (Reads the message to himself.) Well, I like that. Dumping Vermont for the big time. (To PIANIST.) I said take five. (PIANIST exits.) WAVERLY Captain, I think youre making a tactical error. BOB All that highminded talk. What a lot of guff... WAVERLY I think she just got confused somehow. (BOB starts out. Stopping him:) (MORE)

86. WAVERLY (contd) Bob - one of the jobs of a commanding officer is knowing how to assess people. In my assessment, Miss Haynes doesnt have an ounce of guff in her. I think shes in love with you, youre in love with her, theres been some kind of misunderstanding, and if you dont go off and chase her youre a damn fool. SUSAN I think so, too. BOB General, can you arrange a car to take me to New York? SUSAN Its already waiting outside. BOB You know, sister, you are a prize. SUSAN Wait till you hear me sing. BOB Later, Susie. PHIL Have a safe trip, buddy. WAVERLY Good luck, son. Music 17A: Into the Regency Room (BOB exits. The scene changes to the Regency Room, a classy club, as we hear:) Scene 4 The Regency Room - the next evening CLASSY CLUB ANNOUNCERS VOICE (From offstage:) Ladies and gentlemen, the Regency Room at Manhattans Imperial Hotel wishes you the happiest of holiday seasons. And now in her first solo New York engagement - Miss Elizabeth Haynes... Music 18: Love You Didnt Do Right By Me / How Deep is the Ocean? (There are tables of elegantly dressed people, all watching BETTY as she performs with three male backup DANCERS.)

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BETTY LOVE, YOU DIDNT DO RIGHT BY ME. YOU PLANNED A ROMANCE THAT JUST HADNT A CHANCE AND IM THROUGH. LOVE, YOU DIDNT DO RIGHT BY ME. IM BACK ON THE SHELF AND IM BLAMING MYSELF, BUT ITS YOU. (BOB enters during the following and sits at a table to watch BETTY perform. She doesnt see him.) MY ONE LOVE AFFAIR DIDNT GET ME ANYWHERE FROM THE START. TO SEND ME A JOE WHO HAD WINTER AND SNOW IN HIS HEART WASNT SMART. LOVE, YOU DIDNT DO RIGHT BY ME AS THEY SAY IN THE SONG, "YOU DONE ME WRONG!" BOB HOW MUCH DO I LOVE YOU? ILL TELL YOU NO LIE. HOW DEEP IS THE OCEAN, HOW HIGH IS THE SKY? HOW MANY TIMES A DAY DO I THINK OF YOU? HOW MANY ROSES ARE SPRINKLED WITH DEW? HOW FAR WOULD I TRAVEL TO BE WHERE YOU ARE? HOW FAR IS THE JOURNEY FORM HERE TO A STAR? AND HOW HOW HOW BETTY MY ONE LOVE AFFAIR DIDNT GET ME ANYWHERE FROM THE START. TO SEND ME A JOE WHO HAD WINTER SNOW (MORE) IF I MUCH DEEP HIGH EVER LOST YOU, WOULD I CRY? IS THE OCEAN, IS THE SKY?

88.

BETTY (contd) IN HIS HEART WASNT SMART. OH, LOVE, YOU DIDNT DO RIGHT BY ME. AS THEY SAY IN THE SONG, "YOU DONE ME WRONG!" HEY, MR. LOVE, YOU DONE ME WRONG! Music 18A: Regency Room Bows (After her number, BETTY bows to the applause of the Regency Room patrons, who are clearly impressed with her. Then she walks offstage and finds BOB there. BETTY is silent.) BOB Thats a good song for you. BETTY Thanks. Its taken from life. Excuse me. (BETTY starts out, BOB steps in her way.) BOB Betty, Im kind of confused, to tell you the truth... BETTY Look, Bob. I talked this all over with Judy... BOB Whoa, whoa. What about talking it over with me, or Phil? What about the cast you left in the lurch up in Vermont? You dont want people to think youre underhanded, do you? BETTY Underhanded? You talk about underhanded? BOB Thats a pretty mysterious remark. BETTY I can hardly speak to you, Im so angry. BOB If I said or did something wrong, Id like to set it right. I just want to know what it is.

89.

BETTY If you dont know, I cant explain it. BOB Now Im totally lost. (SHELDRAKE enters.) SHELDRAKE Evening, Bob. Its a good thing I ran into you. BOB Glad you could make it. Betty Haynes - this is Ralph Sheldrake. BETTY Oh, yes, Mr. Sheldrake, Ive heard all about you. SHELDRAKE Im sure glad Bob called me in to see your act. Wow. You are TNT, Miss Haynes. BOB Ralph and I were in the army together. Now he works for the Ed Sullivan Show. BETTY Im sorry - for the Ed Sullivan Show...? I thought you were in real estate. SHELDRAKE No, Im only a humble TV producer. Anyway, I just talked to Ed about you, Miss Haynes. He wants to book you on the show. Now hows that for a million-dollar proposition? BETTY A million dollar proposition... SHELDRAKE The folks out therell never know what hit em. But look, Bob, I still havent heard from half the guys. I think our letters got stuck in the holiday mail. BOB Thats a tough break... Say, do you think Ed would give me a spot on his show tomorrow? SHELDRAKE Sure - I can cut Kate Smith down to three choruses of "God Bless America."

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BETTY Im sorry - youre not in real estate? SHELDRAKE No, Im not. BETTY And Bob, you called him in to see me, even though I left your show? BOB Youre good, thats all I know. If a single act is what you want, then take it. But say, Ive got to scoot. Ralph, see you at the studio. Betty, take care. Good luck! (BOB exits.) SHELDRAKE Can you believe a star like Bob Wallace, helping out the General? We sent out six hundred letters trying to set this up. BETTY There are a few things you have to explain to me, Mr. Sheldrake... Music 19: The Old Man (THEY exit. We hear a male offstage chorus, humming "The Old Man," as the set changes to...) Scene 5 The Ed Sullivan Show - the evening after (BOB is onstage.) OFFSTAGE MALE VOICES WELL FOLLOW THE OLD MAN WHEREVER HE WANTS TO GO, LONG AS HE WANTS TO GO, OPPOSITE TO THE FOE. WELL STAY WITH THE OLD MAN WHEREVER HE WANT TO STAY... (Offstage humming contines underneath the following:) BOB Thanks, folks. You hear that song? "Well Follow The Old Man Wherever He Wants To Go." We in the 151st division used to sing that to General Henry Waverly. And Im here tonight with a call to the 151st. You see, (MORE)

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BOB (contd) the General could use some company this Christmas. I know its asking a lot, going to Vermont with your families for the holidays - but the way I remember it, thats what Christmas is all about. A lot of us wouldnt be alive today if it wasnt for the General. So wed be giving just about the nicest gift we could to the greatest guy well ever know. (Sings, with Offstage Men:) BECAUSE WE LOVE HIM WE LOVE HIM ESPECIALLY WHEN HE KEEPS US ON THE BALL. AND WELL TELL THE KIDDIES WE ANSWERED DUTYS CALL WITH THE GRANDEST SON-OF-ASOLDIER OF THEM ALL! (Set changes to reveal...) Scene 6 The Front Desk at the Inn - the next day (The front desk at the Inn. The ASSISTANT SEAMSTRESS is with MARTHA.) MARTHA I cannot dance in these shoes. ASSISTANT SEAMSTRESS Are you sure its the shoes? (The ASSISTANT SEAMSTRESS exits. MIKE and the SEAMSTRESS enter.) MIKE Is the gown ready? SEAMSTRESS You fix the gown! (The SEAMSTRESS throws the dress to MIKE and exits.) MIKE Of course! (MIKE exits as PHIL and JUDY enter.) PHIL Any word from Bob yet?

92.

MARTHA Not a thing. His hotel said he left New York in the middle of the night. PHIL Well, hes only got about three hours to show time... (BOB enters.) BOB Holiday traffic, folks. Happy Christmas Eve. JUDY Any luck, Bob? Did you see Betty? BOB I saw her, all right. PHIL Yes? And? JUDY What happened? BOB I couldnt budge her. She wont come back. I just dont get it. JUDY Oh, Im so sorry, Bob. BOB Anyway, hows everything looking here? JUDY Oh, not too bad, not too bad... (JUDY waggles her left-hand finders at BOB.) BOB What does that mean? I hope its not obscene. JUDY Its where the engagement right is going to go. Right there. PHIL She got me drunk, she clubbed me over the head, next thing I knew - Boom! BOB Things sure happen fast in Vermont.

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MARTHA Yeah, were renaming it "The Sunshine State." BOB (Shaking hands with PHIL, kissing JUDY.) Well, thats really great. Thats terrific. Congratulations, you two. (SUSAN enters.) SUSAN Mr. Wallace - Mr. Davis - Ive been working on my number. PHIL Okay, Susie. You beat us into submission. Show us your number. SUSAN Stand back, Pinetree. Susans back in town! Music 20: Let Me Sing and Im Happy (Reprise) LET ME SING A FUNNY SONG WITH CRAZY WORDS THAT ROLL ALONG (YEAH!), AND IF MY SONG CAN START YOU LAUGHING IM HAPPY. (Spoken:) Im like a sunflower. Put a light on me and I turn. Ezekiel, hit me with those footlights - ooh, Im young again. Now bring me a show curtain as gaudy as all get-out. (TWO SEAMSTRESSES wheel a rack of re-sequined costumes in front of her as a curtain.) Voila! (Sings:) IM HAPPY. LET THE AND CAN CAN IM ME SING OF DIXIES CHARMS, SWANEE SHORE AND MOTHERS ARMS, IF MY SONG CAN MAKE YOU HOME-SICK, START YOU LAUGHING, START YOU CRYING, HAPPY! (SUSAN gets a round of tumultuous applause. The clothes-rack is pushed aside to reveal MARTHA, glaring at SUSAN for having stolen her number.)

MARTHA Honey - you were born with it.

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PHIL Did I tell you she was terrific? As her manager, I demand six figures! No, twelve figures! WAVERLY (From offstage:) Martha! BOB Theres the Old Man. Dont forget Martha. MARTHA I know. Operation Uniform. (BOB, PHIL, and JUDY exit as WAVERLY enters.) WAVERLY Front and center, Miss Watson. I want to talk to you. SUSAN You know what your problem is, Grandpa? You have to learn how to count your blessings instead of your sheep. Music 20A: Susans Exit (Belts out, Martha-style:) AND YOULL BE HAAAA-PY! (SUSAN exits.) WAVERLY This whole place seems to have gone insane... Martha, where are all my suits? MARTHA I sent them to the cleaners. WAVERLY All of them? On Christmas Eve? MARTHA Oh, dont worry about the show, you can wear your uniform tonight. WAVERLY No, I will not wear my uniform. MARTHA Then youll wear your undershorts. And youll make quite a picture. Folks wont be able to tell you from the Christmas tree stand.

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WAVERLY I got along very well in the arm without you. MARTHA Yeah, but it took 17,000 men to take my place! And you are wearing your uniform tonight! WAVERLY You know what youre acting like right now? Youre acting like a wife. MARTHA Well, Ive had enough practice. We fight all the time and we never have sex - people thing we are married! (EZEKIEL enters.) EZEKIEL Afternoon, General. WAVERLY Ezekiel. EZEKIEL Martha. MARTHA Zeke. EZEKIEL Marry Christmas. MARTHA And God bless us blah blah blah. EZEKIEL I been hearing that all day. Got a package for Mr. Wallace... (Sets down a package.) ...and a special delivery for you, sir - from Washington D.C. WAVERLY From Washington...? EZEKIEL Ay-yup. The White House. Says so right there in the corner. Dont see too many of those... (WAVERLY grabs the letter.) Winds comin up, better light a fire tonight. Happy holidays!

96.

MARTHA Bah, humbug. EZEKIEL Been hearin a lot of that too. See ya. (EZEKIEL exits.) WAVERLY (Has opened the letter and read it.) Good lord... MARTHA What. The Pentagon found that tank you stole? Music 20B: Letter Underscore WAVERLY They want me back. The President pulled the strings. Ive been posted to Europe. I can ship out after the holidays. MARTHA Oh, Henry... Henry, thats wonderful. (She embraces him.) Im so glad for you. Really. Im so glad. I just hope... WAVERLY Now youre not going to cry on me, are you? MARTHA (Pulling away.) No, Im not going to cry. Its my astigmatism acting up. Now you see that? You can wear your uniform tonight after all. WAVERLY I dont know where all the medals are. MARTHA Oh, Ill find them, Ill find them... You are absolutely hopeless, I swear... Music 20C: Into the Barn Theater (MARTHA and WAVERLY exit. The scene changes to...)

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Scene 7 Backstage at the Barn Theater - that evening, Christmas Eve (There is a Christmas tree. CHORUS KIDS are exchanging gifts. A CHORUS BOY is led in blindfolded by a SECOND CHORUS BOY.) BLINDFOLDED CHORUS BOY Whats going on? Where are you taking me? 2ND CHORUS BOY Relax. Its a surprise. BLINDFOLDED CHORUS BOY This is absurd! I have to get ready for the show... (During this, a BLINDFOLDED CHORUS GIRL has been led in by another CHORUS GIRL, while a THIRD CHORUS GIRL follows with mistletoe dangling from a stick like bait from a fishing rod.) BLINDFOLDED CHORUS GIRL Okay. Okay. Okay. (The TWO BLINDFOLDED CHORUS KIDS have been brought together under a dangling mistletoe. The blindfolds are taken off. The BOY and GIRLS see whats up, laugh, and kiss. During this, the ASSISTANT SEAMSTRESS enters with an Ornament box.) 2ND CHORUS BOY Merry Christmas! SEAMSTRESS (To ASSISTANT SEAMSTRESS.) Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! MALE DANCER (To FEMALE DANCER unhappy with a gift.) ...you could always exchange it...! MIKE Okay, all you Christmas elves! Weve done it! Weve put up a show in five days and I always knew we could do it! I never doubted us for a second! And we did it by remaining CALM! (EZEKIEL enters and goes to MIKE.) EZEKIEL Oh, Mr. Nulty. I got somethin for ya.

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MIKE For me...? EZEKIEL Ay-yup. A gallon of our maple syrup. (Gives MIKE a large jug.) That oughta sweeten yer pancakes. (EZEKIEL exits.) MIKE Im moving to Vermont. (MIKE exits with the crowd, leaving BOB. PHIL enters.) PHIL (Throwing BOB a gift.) Bob - Merry Christmas, old man. BOB (Throwing PHIL a gift.) Likewise, buddy, likewise. PHIL (Studying the small box.) Aw, a toboggan! BOB You know Phil, you were right not so long ago about putting some romance in my life. I had a great shot with Betty. I dont even know how I blew it. PHIL (Taking one last present from under the tree.) But hey, you didnt open this. BOB What is that? PHIL I dont know, it just says "For Bob." Music 21: How Deep is the Ocean? (Reprise) (BOB opens it and finds a music box that plays "HOW DEEP IS THE OCEAN." From offstage, picking up the melody of the music box, we hear:) BETTY HOW FAR WOULD I TRAVEL TO BE WHERE YOU ARE? (BETTY enters. PHIL slips out during this.) (MORE)

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BETTY (contd) HOW FAR IS THE JOURNEY FROM HERE TO A STAR? BOB I thought you were in New York. BETTY This is the only place I want to be tonight. Bob, Im sorry. I was so, so wrong. BOB I thought Id never see you again. Merry Christmas, Betty. BETTY Merry Christmas, Bob. HOW MUCH DO I LOVE YOU? BOB HOW MUCH DO I LOVE YOU? BETTY ILL TELL YOU NO LIE. BOB ILL TELL YOU NO LIE. BETTY & BOB HOW DEEP IS THE OCEAN? HOW HIGH IS THE SKY? AND HOW HOW HOW IF I MUCH DEEP HIGH EVER LOST YOU, WOULD I CRY? IS THE OCEAN? IS THE SKY?

(BOB and BETTY kiss. MIKE runs out, yelling loudly, not seeing them.) MIKE Places - whoops. Sorry! (Quieter:) Places, Bob. Welcome home, Betty. (Loud and full:) Its magic-time, people! Places for the top of the show! Places...! Music 22: "Blue Skies" Overture / "The Old Man" (Reprise)

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(A dramatic chage as a spotlight hits our conductor leading a very brief Overture. The show curtain comes in and BOB, PHIL and SHELDRAKE enter, in on, all of them wearing army uniforms. MARTHA leads WAVERLY onstage through a split in the curtain. He too is now in full dress uniform.) WAVERLY What are you doing? MARTHA Get out there. (MARTHA exits.) WAVERLY Why are you pushing me onstage? I just want to sit in the audience like any normal... (A spotlight hits him and he turns and see our audience.) BOB Soldiers - attention! (We hear a CHORUS of men singing offstage.)

101. BOB, PHIL, SHELDRAKE & OFFSTAGE MEN WELL FOLLOW THE OLD MAN WHEREVER HE WANTS TO GO. LONG AS HE WANTS TO GO, OPPOSITE TO THE FOE. WELL STAY WITH THE OLD MAN WHEREVER HE WANTS TO STAY. LONG AS HE STAYS AWAY FROM THE BATTLES FRAY. BECAUSE WE LOVE HIM, WE LOVE HIM, ESPECIALLY WHEN HE KEEPS US ON THE BALL. AND WELL TELL THE KIDDIES WE ANSWERED DUTYS CALL WITH THE GRANDEST SON-OF-ASOLDIER OF THEM ALL! BOB (Indicating the audience.) Your troops are assembled, sir. The 151st Division salutes you. WAVERLY (Looking out front.) Lieutenant Boyle... Corporal Sanchez... And is that freckle-faced-? BOB Its Frankie Haynes, sir. He flew in from Fairbanks this morning. WAVERLY Dog-faced... (He catches himself.) Haynes, you look as good as ever! (BOB, PHIL & SHELDRAKE all pull back. WAVERLY addresses the audience:) So - Christmas Eve, 1954. And isnt this a fine gift. Trying to give an old soldier a taste of his former (MORE) WAVERLY What is all this...?

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WAVERLY (contd) glory. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I have some news. President Eisenhower has invited me back to active duty. Back into the noblest profession I know. Well, backwards is a way a soldier does not go. And the fact is, Im not a soldier anymore. Im an innkeeper. A proud innkeeper but a very bad innkeeper - with all the chance for glory I needed right here in Pinetree, and I didnt even see it. My superior Miss Martha Watson will tell you I once set breakfast for 0600 hours. Well, from now on its going to be breakfast all day and waffles all night. Beds will not be made. Calisthenics are strictly forbidden. And anybody who calls me "sir" instead of "Hank" will be tossed out on his can. You see, I know something today I didnt know even yesterday: If youre worried and you cant sleep - just count your blessings instead of sheep... (Sings, a cappella.) AND YOULL FALL ASLEEP COUNTING YOUR BLESSINGS. Music 23: Count Your Blessings (Underscore) WAVERLY (Spoken:) Last time I saw your faces, you were all boys. Now here you are with your wives and children, and its a grand sight. My friends - thank you from the bottom of my heart. And Merry Christmas! BOB & PHIL Merry Christmas, sir! WAVERLY What was that again? BOB & PHIL Merry Christmas, Hank! WAVERLY (To audience.) What was that again? BOB, PHIL, SHELDRAKE & AUDIENCE MERRY CHRISTMAS, HANK! WAVERLY Dismissed! Or as they say in the theater: on with the show! Music 24: White Christmas

103. BOB IM DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS, JUST LIKE THE ONES I USED TO KNOW... (Spoken, to audience:) Folks, if you know the words, please join in. Maestro, once more from the top. (Sings:) IM DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS, JUST LIKE THE ONES I USED TO KNOW, WHERE THE TREETOPS GLISTEN AND CHILDREN LISTEN TO HEAR SLEIGHBELLS IN THE SNOW. (PHIL, SHELDRAKE, GENERAL and BOB exit. The Curtain goes up to reveal the barn decorated for Christmas: lights, bulbs, wreaths, candles, a stunning tree, the works, with the ensemble in place and singing. GENERAL and MARTHA enter, arm in arm, singing along, then PHIL and JUDY dance on, then finally BOB and BETTY.) ALL IM DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS WITH EVRY CHRISTMAS CARD I WRITE: "MAY YOUR DAYS BE MERRY AND BRIGHT AND MAY ALL YOUR CHRISTMASES BE WHITE." AH, AH, AH! (SUSAN enters.) SUSAN Grandpa! Martha! Its snowing! Its snowing! WAVERLY Open the barn doors! (Singers open the barn doors upstage to reveal a perfect snowfall.) ALL IM DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS, JUST LIKE THE ONES I USED TO KNOW, WHERE THE TREETOPS GLISTEN AND CHILDREN LISTEN TO HEAR SLEIGHBELLS IN THE SNOW. IM DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS. WITH EVRY CHRISTMAS CARD I WRITE: "MAY YOUR DAYS BE MERRY AND BRIGHT AND MAY ALL YOUR CHRISTMASES BE WHITE!" Music 25: Bows (Curtain. A stage curtain call ends with BOB, BETTY, PHIL, JUDY, WAVERLY, MARTHA and SUSAN in front of the curtain. They sing:)

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Music 26: Ive Got My Love to Keep Me Warm ALL SEVEN THE SNOW IS SNOWING, THE WIND IS BLOWING, BUT I CAN WEATHER THE STORM. BOB & BETTY WHAT DO I CARE HOW MUCH IT MAY STORM? ALL IVE GOT MY LOVE TO KEEP ME WARM. MARTHA & WAVERLY I CANT REMEMBER A WORSE DECEMBER, SUSAN JUST WATCH THOSE ICICLES FORM. PHIL & JUDY WHAT DO I CARE IF ICICLES FORM? ALL SEVEN IVE GOT MY LOVE TO KEEP ME WARM. (The exit as the curtain rises to reveal a picture-perfect snow-filled landscape: a cottage, trees and hedges. Snow falls on the stage as the ensemble dances.) ALL (After dance.) OFF WITH MY OVERCOAT, OFF WITH MY GLOVE. I NEED NO OVERCOAT, IM BURNING WITH LOVE. (Snow begins to fall over the audience.) MY HEARTS ON FIRE, THE FLAME GROWS HIGHER, SO I WILL WEATHER THE STORM. WHAT DO I CARE HOW MUCH IT MAY STORM? IVE GOT MY LOVE TO KEEP ME WARM. AND MAY ALL YOUR CHRISTMASES BE WHITE! Music 27: Exit Music