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Men
who
Murder
Women:

When
Will
We
Say
“Enough”?


By
Jane
F.
Gilgun,
Ph.D.,
LICSW


Once
again
a
man
killed
his
wife
and
then
himself.
This
time
the
murderer

was
a
laid‐off
sheet
metal
worker
and
his
wife
was
a
social
worker.
They
lived
in

Minnesota.

In
the
last
14
years,
the
police
had
responded
to
48
calls
to
their
home,

22
of
them
because
the
man
was
beating
and
threatening
his
wife.

The
last
call
was

because
he
was
beating
their
teenage
son.
He
had
several
convictions
for
these

assaults.



According
to
family
violence
experts,
the
wife
had
done
all
the
right
things,

such
as
seek
the
help
of
battered
women
shelters,
obtain
orders
of
protection,
testify

against
her
husband
in
court,
file
for
divorce,
and
tell
the
police
that
her
husband

had
threatened
to
kill
her
four
or
five
times.
A
police
commander
said,
“There
was

an
awful
lot
of
foreshadowing
in
this
case.”


Wife
Murder
is
Not
an
Isolated
Event


More
than
200
men
have
murdered
their
wives
and
significant
others
in

Minnesota
since
2000
and
tens
of
thousands
of
women
across
the
United
States

have
died
at
the
hands
of
their
husbands
and
partners
during
this
time.
People
ask

why.

How
can
they
do
this?

I
have
interviewed
more
than
125
violent
men
for
a

total
of
at
least
1200
hours.
I
have
a
good
idea
of
what
might
have
gone
on
in
their

minds
of
men
who
murder
their
wives
and
partners.



Real
Men
are
in
Charge


These
men
are
enraged
because
they
cannot
make
women
do
what
they

want.
They
believe
that
they
are
failures
as
men
if
they
cannot
control
women.
They

also
believe
they
can
do
whatever
they
want
to
make
women
do
what
they
want,

including
name‐calling,
threatening,
hitting,
beating,
and
raping,
among
many
other

tactics.

If
the
women
still
resist,
they
believe
they
have
the
right
to
give
out
the

ultimate
punishment,
which
is
to
kill
them.




Reasons
for
Killing
Themselves


They
kill
themselves
or
attempt
to
for
several
possible
reasons.

The

following
are
some
I
have
heard.
They
believe
they
have
to
punish
themselves
for

being
such
failures,
and
death
is
the
ultimate
punishment
for
themselves.
They
also

believe
they
cannot
live
with
themselves
because
they
are
such
failures.

In
addition,

some
also
do
not
want
to
face
the
consequences
of
their
murders,
and
they
do
not

want
to
live
anymore
because
they
have
just
killed
someone
they
love
and
without

whom
they
believe
they
cannot
live.


Beliefs
Come
Together
as
a
Perfect,
Lethal
Storm


When
men
murder
their
wives,
many
forces
come
together
to
create
a

perfect,
lethal
storm.
These
men
are
not
alone
in
their
beliefs
about
what
a
real
man

is.

Many
men
share
these
beliefs,
and
all
men
are
exposed
to
them.

Fortunately,

most
men
reject
these
beliefs
and
believe
women,
even
women
they
married,
have

the
right
to
make
their
own
choices,
even
when
these
choices
exclude
them.

They

may
feel
hurt,
sad,
and
angry
when
their
wives
seek
a
divorce
or
are
otherwise
more

independent
than
they
had
wished,
but
they
deal
with
these
realities
in
ways
that
do

not
threaten
the
lives
of
the
women,
themselves,
or
anyone
else.
Most
are
flexible
in

their
expectations
and
negotiate
their
relationships.
These
men
have
the
good

fortune
to
know
how
to
deal
constructively
with
their
emotions
and
to
challenge

beliefs
that
infringe
upon
the
rights
and
dignity
of
women.


A
small
number
of
men
who
are
unable
to
get
their
women
to
do
what
they

want
react
in
explosive,
rageful
ways.
Some
believe
in
the
idea
of
“Big
me,
little
you.”

They
are
in
rational
states
when
they
rape,
beat,
and
murder
because
they
truly

believe
that
they
are
entitled
to
act
this
way.

They
have
the
right
to
punish
and
to

exact
revenge.
These
men
do
not
kill
themselves.
Many
think
they
will
get
away
with

their
murders
and
related
acts
of
violence.


Other
men
who
murder
may
also
believe
this,
but
they
in
addition
may

believe
that
their
very
lives
are
at
stake
if
women
do
not
do
what
they
want
and
the

women
leave
them.
They
cannot
bear
to
be
left.
Their
beliefs
in
their
entitlements
as

men,
in
addition
to
their
beliefs
that
their
own
lives
are
at
stake
if
they
lose
her,

drive
them
to
murder.

They
can
think
of
nothing
else.

They
are
obsessed
with

following
through
on
what
they
think
is
a
solution
to
a
terrible
dilemma
of
being
a

total
and
complete
failure
who
cannot
get
women
to
do
what
they
want.



Short
and
Long­Term
Solutions


Advocates
for
women
and
law
enforcement
across
the
United
States
are

thinking
of
ways
to
keep
men
away
from
women
whose
lives
they
threaten.

One

way
is
to
raise
bail
after
violent
incidents
so
high
the
men
cannot
post
bail.
This
may

have
helped
in
the
recent
Minnesota
case.

However,
the
man
would
not
have
been

confined
forever.

He
may
have
been
so
enraged
that
time
would
not
have
helped

him
to
think
of
other
ways
to
deal
with
his
wife’s
decision
for
a
divorce.

A
long

history
of
violence
that
include
threats
of
murder
have
to
be
taken
seriously.
High

bails
may
help
in
many
cases.

Even
if
it
helps
in
one
case,
it
is
worth
it.


The
longer‐term
solution
is
to
engage
in
national
and
international

conversations
about
men’s
beliefs
about
women
and
what
they
are
entitled
to
do

when
women
do
not
do
what
they
want.

In
addition,
we
have
to
help
boys
and
men

deal
constructively
with
hurt,
sadness,
and
anger.




It
is
unlikely
that
the
Minnesota
man
phoned
his
best
friend
to
talk
about
his

sense
of
dejection,
rage,
and
hurt.
He
probably
did
not
have
a
best
friend.
He
is

unlikely
to
have
had
any
close
friends
who
knew
what
was
going
on
in
his
life.

He

did
not
go
to
a
men’s
group
to
work
out
his
responses.

He
did
nothing
constructive

with
his
beliefs
and
emotions.

He
probably
ruminated
on
his
rage
and
hurt.
His

ideas
about
what
it
means
to
be
a
man
were
part
of
this
lethal
mix.
Real
men
don’t

talk
about
their
feelings.

If
they
do,
they
are
sissies
and
punks.
They’re
weak.


Patterns


These
are
patterns
that
I
have
seen
in
the
thousands
of
hours
that
I
have

spend
interviewing
men
who
commit
violent
acts,
including
murdering
and

attempting
to
murder
their
wives
and
partners.


The
beliefs
that
fuel
the
rage
that
some
men
feel,
in
combination
with

incapacities
for
dealing
constructively
with
powerful
emotions,
are
a
lethal
mix
that

can
end
with
murder
of
women
and
sometimes
suicide
of
the
men.

Some
men
are

driven
primarily
by
their
beliefs,
and
their
murders
have
nothing
to
do
with

incapacities
to
deal
with
their
emotions.




Beliefs
about
men’s
entitlement
to
control
women
and
to
do
whatever
it

takes
to
control
them
when
women
resist
are
part
of
every
form
of
violence
against

women.



About
the
Author


Jane
F.
Gilgun,
Ph.D.,
LICSW,
is
a
professor,
School
of
Social
Work,
University

of
Minnesota,
Twin
Cities,
USA.

See
her
other
articles,
books,
and
children’s
stories

on
Amazon
Kindle,
stores.lulu.com/jgilgun,
and
scribd.com/professorjane.
She
also

has
many
videos
on
youtube.com/jgilgun.


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