- 1 -

!"# %& '())*+, -. '-)/*0-+/

!"##"$% '( )*+,*-. /0
love wltbets ooJet coosttolot, lts vety esseoce ls llbetty. lt ls compotlble oeltbet wltb
obeJleoce, jeoloosy oot feot. lt ls tbete most pote, petfect, ooJ oollmlteJ wbete lts vo-
totles llve lo cooflJeoce, epoollty ooJ ootesetve.
ercy 8ysshe Shelley

1he road Lo olyamory uLopla ls long and LwlsLlng. 1here are many learnlng curves and lL ls doLLed wlLh
poLholes and llLLered wlLh road klll. 1he rewards are greaL on arrlval buL Lhere ls a prlce Lo pay. ?ou have Lo
learn how Lo negoLlaLe Lhls road and unforLunaLely our parenLs, peers, Leachers, and clerlcs have noL been Loo
helpful ln guldlng us along Lhe way.
8uL we are learnlng. 8rad 8lanLon, Lhe auLhor of koJlcol nooesty, ln a keynoLe address aL a Lovlng More
conference several years ago sald, ?ou guys are Lhe research and developmenL arm of socleLy". And as re-
searchers we wlll make mlsLakes.
8uL we also learn as we make mlsLakes. ln observlng Lhe oly communlLy over Lhe pasL 10 years lL has
become apparenL Lo me LhaL Lhere are some baslc prlnclples, l call Lhem lllars, LhaL everyone musL undersLand
and lnLernallze Lo be able Lo successfully negoLlaLe Lhe road Lo polyamory.
!"# %& '())*+, -. '-)/*0-+/
(1 *2!"#3!(4(!/
?ou musL know yourself and be comforLable belng you. ?ou need Lo know wlLhouL quesLlon Lhe dlffer-
ences beLween your love needs and wanLs. uo you know your languages of love and whlch of Lhem apply Lo
you? (words of afflrmaLlon, Louch, quallLy Llme, glfLs, acLs of servlce). uo you know and accepL your sexuallLy -
klnks and all? Are you genulne wlLh yourself and are you comforLable sharlng yourself as you really are wlLh
oLhers? Can you be Lhe person you really are? And lf you are unsure, can you admlL Lhls Lo oLhers? A good
grasp of your sense of self ls mandaLory.
olyamory ls abouL vA8lL1?. l flrmly belleve LhaL lncluded ln our auLhenLlclLy ls an honesL accepLance of
our need for varleLy - varleLy ln our sexual and relaLlonshlp needs and wanLs.

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((1 4"-(4#
A grounded and balanced poly undersLands Lhey are free Lo make declslons abouL how Lhey wlll llve Lhelr
llfe. 1hey are free Lo choose. lor example, every day you choose Lo sLay wlLh your parLners.
Cf course your cholces may cause confllcL wlLh parLners who Lhlnk Lhey know whaL ls good for you. Ask
your parLners for Lhelr oplnlons, Lhlnk Lhem over, and Lhen make your own cholces. ?ou wlll make and be re-
sponslble for your own mlsLakes.
WaLch ouL for Lhose ln your llfe who wanL Lo conLrol you and llmlL your cholces.
(((1 !+2,!
A qulck deflnlLlon of LrusL ls: flrm bellef ln Lhe rellablllLy, LruLh, ablllLy, or sLrengLh of someone or some-
Lhlng. An example mlghL be condom use. ?ou agree wlLh all your parLners Lo use condoms wlLh everyone who
ls noL your prlmary. ?ou belleve LhaL Lhey wlll do whaL Lhey say Lhey wlll do.
?ou wanL Lo know LhaL your parLners wlll behave responslbly. ln facL, an older Lerm for polyamory ls re-
sponslble non-monogamy".
1rusL ls always an lffy" Lhlng, as we all know how easy lL may be Lo break LhaL LrusL ln Lhe heaL of pas-
slon.
keeplng your parLners LrusL and honorlng agreemenLs may well be one of Lhe mosL dlfflculL aspecLs of
polyamory. l fall from Llme Lo Llme buL l communlcaLe, confess and [usL deal wlLh Lhe afLermaLh. SomeLlmes
Lhls noL a loL of fun.
(51 6#37#+ #82*)(!/
WhaL ls good for Lhe goose ls good for Lhe gander.
ulfferenL rules for dlfferenL genders are noL allowed.
A lady frlend of mlne has a blL of Lrouble wlLh Lhls concepL. She ls poly and very much ln love wlLh her
prlmary. She conLlnues Lo daLe oLhers, buL he, belng consumed wlLh new 8elaLlonshlp Lnergy (n8L), preferred
Lo be monogamous. As hls n8L cooled and he became more comforLable wlLh poly Lhlnklng (and mulLlparLner-
lng) he began Lo develop an lnLeresL ln oLher women. She was dlsLraughL, enLered psychoLherapy and now,
monLhs laLer, she ls sLlll ln Lherapy and sLlll noL comforLable wlLh hlm daLlng.
lL ls easy Lo embrace Lhe concepL of polyamory buL Lhe pracLlce ls someLlmes hard. lL may Lake years Lo
feel aL ease wlLh Lhe poly llfesLyle.
LeL me add a word or Lwo here abouL women and polyamory. 1here ls a saylng LhaL men ofLen have Lo
beg women Lo come Lo Lhe flrsL polyamory parLy. 8uL by Lhe Lhlrd parLy he has Lo beg her Lo come home.
Women seem Lo love polyamory and as you look over poly hlsLory you flnd many women who are Lhe movers
and shakers ln Lhe poly communlLy.

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lL ls my lmpresslon LhaL men are more ofLen prone Lo have dlfflculLy sharlng Lhelr women wlLh oLher
men.
51 "-3#,!/
now l ask you, who would wanL Lhelr parLner Lo be dlshonesL?
When l was flrsL learnlng abouL polyamory l cheaLed on my prlmary parLner. l had meL someone new
and was consumed by new 8elaLlonshlp Lnergy. When l evenLually confessed, my parLner was desLroyed and
Lhere was a bloodbaLh wlLh me geLLlng Lhe worsL of Lhe baLLle.
l was Lold ln no uncerLaln Lerms LhaL she could handle anyLhlng buL decelL. She had no problems wlLh
my havlng sex wlLh oLhers, or falllng ln love wlLh oLhers, buL lylng and wlLhholdlng lnformaLlon was noL ac-
cepLable.
So now l [usL Lell my parLners when l am aLLracLed Lo oLhers and keep Lhem lnformed. no edlLlng, no
wlLhholdlng.
?our parLners may noL llke hearlng whaL you are Lelllng Lhem buL ln Lhe long run [usL geLLlng everyLhlng
ouL for dlscusslon beaLs lylng, wlLhholdlng lnformaLlon and edlLlng.
oly llfe ls so compllcaLed LhaL l cannoL lmaglne noL belng honesL wlLh all of my parLners. And l wlll Lell
you Lhls ls noL always easy.
ln my oplnlon Lhe essence of polyamory ls abouL PCnLS1? ln 8LLA1lCnSPlS.
5(1 !+*3,'*+#34/
AlLhough some wlll dlsagree, l flrmly belleve LhaL Lhere should be no secreLs ln polyamory. lull dlsclo-
sure ls paramounL. And even lf you Lry Lo keep Lhlngs Lo yourself, remember Lhe poly communlLy ls very small
and plllow Lalk ls second only Lo Lhe lnLerneL ln keeplng everyone lnformed abouL who ls ln relaLlonshlp wlLh
whom. Many polyamorlsLs love Lo gosslp and your secreLs may well be common knowledge - buL you [usL
don'L know LhaL everyone else knows.
noLhlng ls more damaglng Lo a poly relaLlonshlp Lhan Lo flnd ouL Lhe deLalls abouL your parLner from
oLhers.
A close frlend of mlne ls marrled, and hls wlfe does noL know he ls closeL blsexual and a closeL cross
dresser. ?ou cannoL belleve Lhe amounL of sLress Lhls causes whlch manlfesLs as poor healLh and depresslon.
Wherever posslble, geL Lo know your parLner's parLners. l say Lhls easlly yeL l have parLners who are re-
lucLanL Lo be fully open abouL Lhelr parLners.
keep all of your parLners ln Lhe loop. oly relaLlonshlps ofLen fall because Lhe prlmary parLner feels lefL
ouL.
A lesson Lhe poly communlLy can Leach Lhe mono communlLy ls how Lo deal wlLh unadulLeraLed LruLh ln
relaLlonshlps.

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5((1 -'#3 4-0023(4*!(-3
AlLhough Lhls overlaps oLher lllars lL ls so lmporLanL lL ls worLh repeaLlng.
1here should be nC secreLs ln polyamory. none.
Cver and over l hear sLorles abouL mulLlple parLner relaLlonshlps falllng because someone felL lefL ouL.
Lveryone should know abouL everyone ln your llfe LhaL ls of romanLlc/sexual lnLeresL Lo you. noL knowlng ls
deadly. keep all of your parLners ln Lhe loop, especlally when you are sLarLlng new relaLlonshlps.
8y way of lllusLraLlon l have a parLner whose husband became depressed because of healLh lssues. Pe
dld some lnapproprlaLe Lhlngs whlch l dldn'L undersLand unLll l found ouL abouL Lhe depresslon. And l wlll warn
you, depresslon dlssolves loLs of Lhe defenses and melLs your self-esLeem.
uepresslon and polyamory are noL a good mlx.
As an example of communlcaLlon Lhere ls an apocryphal sLory abouL a man ln Lherapy who flnally con-
fessed LhaL he always wanLed Lo Lle up hls wlfe and have sex wlLh her. Pe was afrald Lo Lell her for fear she
would dlvorce hlm and he dldn'L wanL LhaL Lo happen. 1he wlfe flnally enLered Lherapy and afLer many ses-
slons confessed LhaL she always wanLed her husband Lo Lle her up and have sex wlLh her buL was afrald Lo Lell
hlm fearlng LhaL he would wanL a dlvorce. 1hlnk abouL Lhe [oy Lhese Lwo mlghL have shared lf only Lhey were
abouL Lo be honesL ln Lhelr communlcaLlon.
When l begln a new relaLlonshlp l always make lL a polnL Lo Lell my oLher parLners Lhe deLalls of my ro-
manLlc llfe.
CCMMunlCA1L, CCMMunlCA1L, CCMMunlCA1L.
lL has been sald LhaL successful polyamorlsLs are so busy communlcaLlng LhaL Lhey cannoL flnd Llme Lo
have sex.
5(((1 3-39'-,,#,,(5#
no one owns anyone.
1hls supposedly anclenL Chlnese proverb sums up possesslveness:
lf yoo love sometbloq, set lt ftee. lf lt comes bock to yoo, lt's yoots. lf lt Joeso't, lt oevet wos. we Jo oot
possess ooytbloq lo tbls wotlJ, leost of oll otbet people. we ooly lmoqloe tbot we Jo. Oot ftleoJs, oot lovets,
oot spooses, eveo oot cbllJteo ote oot oots, tbey belooq ooly to tbemselves. lossesslve ooJ coottollloq ftleoJ-
sblps ooJ telotloosblps coo be os botmfol os oeqlect.
ln polyamory you musL qulckly learn Lo love wlLh an open hand. Allow yourself Lo undersLand and accepL
your parLner's auLonomy.
My parLners have compleLe auLonomy Lo esLabllsh relaLlonshlps LhaL work for Lhem. Cf course, l am free
Lo volce my oplnlons buL Lhey are welcome Lo make Lhelr own mlsLakes.
racLlclng polyamory requlres heaps of self-esLeem!

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(:1 4-3,#3,2*)
Lveryone knows whaL ls golng on ln all Lhe parLners' llves and everyone AC8LLS Lo whaL ls golng on.
lf Lhere ls no agreemenL lL ls cheaLlng. And lf lL ls cheaLlng Lhen lL ls nC1 polyamory. lL ls cheaLlng.
:1 *44#'!(36 -. ,#). 7#!#+0(3*!(-3
undersLandlng LhaL each of us ls dlfferenL ls essenLlal. Lncouraglng your parLners Lo follow Lhelr own
llfe's paLh ls mandaLory.
Suppose, as for an example, your parLner wanLs Lo explore 8uSM and you have llLLle lnLeresL and maybe
even an averslon Lo Lhls pasLlme. lf Lhey flnd a play parLner for an occaslonal sesslon of lmpacL play or bondage
you [usL have Lo encourage Lhem Lo do lL safely and welcome Lhem home.
l have members of my exLended poly famlly where she wanLed Lo explore her lnLeresL ln 8uSM whlle he
had no lnLeresL and encouraged her Lo flnd safe ways Lo do Lhls. lor a year or Lwo she had one or Lwo sesslons
a monLh wlLh a uom, learned her llmlLs, and evenLually losL lnLeresL. 1hey remaln happlly marrled and poly-
amorous.
?ou musL keep an open mlnd abouL your parLner's behavlor slnce you have no conLrol. ?es, you can
volce your oplnlons and make your concerns and wlshes known buL expecL dlsagreemenLs from Llme Lo Llme.
And dlsagreemenLs can lead Lo dlsrupLlon of relaLlonshlps.
no one ever sald LhaL polyamory ls abouL perfecLlon ln relaLlonshlps. 8aLher polyamory ls abouL honesLy
ln relaLlonshlps. olyamorous relaLlonshlps can and wlll fall, [usL llke monogamous relaLlonshlps.
l wlll be Lhe flrsL Lo Lell you SLLl uL1L8MlnA1lCn lS nC1 ALWA?S LAS?, especlally ln Lhe early sLages of
explorlng polyamory.
:(1 ,#: '-,(!(5#
SexuallLy ls, of course, a ma[or parL of polyamorous relaLlonshlps and all parLners belng ln agreemenL on
sexual maLLers ls essenLlal. Are all of your parLners sex poslLlve?
l have seen few descrlpLlons of whaL sex poslLlve means and here ls my deflnlLlon.
1. A sex poslLlve person ls comforLable wlLh Lhelr emoLlonal, splrlLual, physlcal and sexual selves.
2. A sex poslLlve person undersLands, accepLs and LoleraLes Lhelr parLners' sexual needs, bellefs, pracLlces,
and yes, even klnks.
3. A sex poslLlve person ls open Lo exploraLlon of a varleLy of sensual, lnLlmaLe, and sexual experlences and
freely shares Lhelr Lhlnklng wlLh Lhelr parLners.
4. A sex poslLlve person can easlly communlcaLe Lhelr sexual needs Lo Lhelr parLners - Lhey can ask for whaL
Lhey wanL comforLably.

- 6 -

CommunlcaLlng your needs Lo nC1 have sex or parLlclpaLe ln acLlvlLles you do noL deslre ls also sex posl-
Llve.
Ask for whaL you wanL - someLlmes you mlghL even geL lL.
:((1 4-0'#+,(-3
undersLandlng and embraclng comperslon ls Lhe essence of successful polyamorous relaLlonshlps.
l plaglarlzed Lhls descrlpLlon from a web slLe now dlsappeared lnLo cyberspace and l quoLe (ln parL):
competsloo ls tbe opposlte of jeoloosy. lo slmple looqooqe competsloo ls tbe love we feel wbeo otbets feel
love. lt ls tbe pleosote we feel wbeo otbets feel pleosote. lt ls tbot vost looJscope of pleosote ooJ lotlmocy be-
yooJ jeoloosy. lt ls tbe emotloool exptessloo tbot wbot we woot fot oot loveJ ooes mote tboo ooytbloq ls tbelt
bopploess ooJ folflllmeot. competsloo tecoqolzes people fot wbo tbey teolly ote totbet tboo fot wbom we
mlqbt woot tbem to be. competsloo tecoqolzes tbot ootooomy, oot coottol, ls tbe woy of tbe lovet.
Pere ls an example plaglarlzed from an enLry by blrglLLeflres" on My Space ln Aprll, 2008:
competsloo ls tokloq yoot flooc oot to boy flowets fot tbe qltl bes wooloq, ooJ offetloq to belp poy fot
tbe boopoet wltboot beloq polJ bock wbeo be floJs ooe o llttle oot of bls ptlce tooqe... AoJ feelloq exclteJ ooJ
boppy fot blm wbeo yoote slttloq oo tbe coocb eotloq plzzo ooJ wotcbloq tomooce movles wblle be speoJs bls
fltst olqbt ovet tbete... woltloq op fot blm to qet bome ftom o lote Jote so yoo coo beot oll tbe sotJlJ Jetolls.
lL Lakes some Llme and some pracLlce Lo fully undersLand and embrace Lhe concepL of comperslon.
(3 4-34)2,(-3
Pavlng consldered Lhese 12 lllars, you mlghL conclude LhaL polyamory ls [usL noL for you! olyamory ls
noL for everyone. lL works for some and ls a dlsasLer for oLhers.
As you Lravel down Lhe road Lo polyamory, especlally durlng Lhe flrsL few mlles, do noL exceed Lhe speed
llmlL - ever. Co slow! Speed kllls.
1he road Lo polyamory ls dlfflculL slnce Lhere are no roadmaps LhaL are sulLable for all. 8uL Lhe Lraveler,
by sLudylng and undersLandlng and embraclng Lhe 12 lllars of olyamory, wlll have a much easler [ourney.

1hls arLlcle ls an adapLaLlon from a lecLure glven Lo olyamorous n?C on 19 March 2008.
leel free Lo copy and dlsLrlbuLe Lhls maLerlal, buL please copy lL ln lLs enLlreLy and lnclude my name. l am responslble for my own ldeas
and mlsLakes and wlll always welcome commenL and crlLlclsm. l reserve Lhe rlghL Lo publlsh Lhese commenLs elsewhere. kP