Argument Final Draft

by Joshua Miller
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clarify sentence
need an "although" clause, like "although many would
complain that regulations are impossilbe to enforce (or
that regulations would limit people's freedom) . . ."
any data for
which is most
common,
etc.? can you
specify types
of injuries
(e.g., broken
bones,
lacerations,
etc.)
embed this with quotation
anywhere?
good--you saw
the counterarg
and addressed
it!
move "especially jellyfish"
not an infection
awk--can you
reword? Look
for more
sentences
like this one,
where you
separate
elements that
belong
together
(here, it's
"avoided by
using the
Balance Y
Your paper is really informative! I enjoyed reading it. Your
three main areas for revision should be
1) unifying paragraphs
2) revising sentences to communicate more directly and
effectively
3) focus on your argument: why should we regulate (you've
covered that!) and HOW?
QM
QM
QM
FINAL GRADE
78/100
Argument Final Draft
GRADEMARK REPORT
GENERAL COMMENTS
Instructor
PAGE 1
delete
some words or phrases here are unnecessary; they may even cloud your meaing.
Text Comment. clarify sentence
Thesis
Thesis needs work:
The thesis is the central idea of your paper around which all your evidence and claims are organized.
Every single paragraph should be dedicated in a clear way to proving your thesis. In your essay, the
thesis should be stated as quickly and as clearly as possible. In fact, many teachers will expect your
thesis statement to appear in the last sentence of your essay's first paragraph. A vivid thesis statement
will announce the steps of its argument, not just provide a flat statement of the essay's ultimate goal.
Think of the thesis as a roadmap that gives directions to your reader rather than as a picture of your
final destination.
Text Comment. need an "although" clause, like "although many would complain that regulations
are impossilbe to enforce (or that regulations would limit people's freedom) . . ."
PAGE 2
Text Comment. any data for which is most common, etc.? can you specify types of injuries (e.g.,
broken bones, lacerations, etc.)
unify Ps
Each P should develop a single topic. Choose one of the topics included in this P and develop it fully
using explanations, examples, details, etc.
Additional Comment This P has lots of topics: gender issues, types of injuries, helmets, etc. Need
to separate and develop each (if they're necessary to your argument.
QM
QM
PAGE 3
Text Comment. embed this with quotation
Text Comment. anywhere?
Text Comment. good--you saw the counterarg and addressed it!
Text Comment. move "especially jellyfish"
PAGE 4
unify Ps
Each P should develop a single topic. Choose one of the topics included in this P and develop it fully
using explanations, examples, details, etc.
Additional Comment Unless you want to develop each of these topics (jellyfish, ears, etc.), just
focus on the one you have the most data for--ears.
Text Comment. not an infection
Text Comment. awk--can you reword? Look for more sentences like this one, where you
separate elements that belong together (here, it's "avoided by using the Balance Y test"). They cloud
your meaning.
redundant
somewhere in this sentence, you've used words that are unnecessary because other words in the
same sentence already serve your purpose (as in "free gift").
PAGE 5
Text Comment. Your paper is really informative! I enjoyed reading it. Your three main areas for
revision should be
1) unifying paragraphs
2) revising sentences to communicate more directly and effectively
3) focus on your argument: why should we regulate (you've covered that!) and HOW?
PAGE 6
RUBRIC: 301 ARG ESSAY RUBRIC
RHETORIC
ABSENT OR BELOW
BASIC
DEVELOPING
PROFICIENT
ADVANCED
SOURCES
ABSENT OR BELOW
BASIC
DEVELOPING
PROFICIENT
ADVANCED
BALANC ARG
ABSENT OR BELOW
BASIC
DEVELOPING

Proficient
Write for a specific audience and purpose.
Audience's needs are often not recognized: terms and ideas need explanation and language
needs adjustment for the audience. Purpose isn't clear or achieved.
Shows some attention to audience's needs, sometimes defining necessary terms and ideas
and using audience-appropriate language. Purpose may be unclear at times, and it may not
be achieved convincingly.
Usually shows attention to audience's needs, defining necessary terms and ideas and using
audience-appropriate language. Purpose may be implied, but it's clear and achieved.
Shows sophisticated attention to audience's needs, defining necessary terms and ideas and
using audience-appropriate language. Purpose is clear and achieved with style.
Proficient
Find, evaluate, select, synthesize, organize, ethically cite, and present information from a variety of sources
appropriate to their disciplines.
Omits or uses incorrectly MLA- or APA-style parenthetical citations, quotation marks, and
works cited list. Drops quotations and ideas into text without introducing source. Frequently
uses irrelevant or unpersuasive sources.
A few errors in MLA- or APA-style parenthetical citations, quotation marks, and works cited
list. Often includes sources without introduction in cases when introduction is necessary.
Sometimes uses irrelevant or unpersuasive sources.
Correctly uses MLA- or APA-style parenthetical citations, quotation marks, and works cited
list. Usually introduces each source fully (as necessary)reader knows who did the
research or communicating, for whom, and why. Use of sources is usually relevant and
persuasive.
Correctly uses MLA- or APA-style parenthetical citations, quotation marks, and works cited
list. Introduces each source fully (as necessary)reader knows who did the research or
communicating, for whom, and why. Use of sources is always relevant and persuasive.
Developing
Compare, contrast, and synthesize carefully and objectively the relative merits of alternative or opposing
arguments, assumptions, and cultural values.
Fails to consider the relative merits of alternative or opposing arguments, assumptions, and
cultural values.
Attempts to compare, contrast, and synthesize the relative merits of alternative or opposing
arguments, assumptions, and cultural values, but may lack objectivity or thoroughness in
the comparison.
PROFICIENT
ADVANCED
ORGANIZATION
ABSENT OR BELOW
BASIC
DEVELOPING
PROFICIENT
ADVANCED
PERSUASION
ABSENT OR BELOW
BASIC
DEVELOPING
PROFICIENT
ADVANCED
LANGUAGE
ABSENT OR BELOW
BASIC
DEVELOPING
PROFICIENT
ADVANCED
Compares, contrasts, and synthesizes the relative merits of alternative or opposing
arguments, assumptions, and cultural values.
Compares, contrasts, and synthesizes carefully, objectively, and insightfully the relative
merits of alternative or opposing arguments, assumptions, and cultural values.
Developing
Organize ones thoughts to address a rhetorical situation.
Organizational devices (thesis, topic sentences, transitions) may be absent, unrelated to the
prompt, or illogically connected. Ps are usually not unified or organized.
Organizational devices (thesis, topic sentences, transitions) fit the prompt, but may be
vague, too broad, or inconsistenly or illogically linked. Ps may not be unified.
Clear, specific organizational devices (thesis, topic sentences, transitions) fit the prompt
and tie ideas together adequately.
Clear, specific organizational devices (thesis, topic sentences, transitions) fit the prompt
and tie ideas together logically and seamlessly.
Developing
Communicate ones thoughts clearly and persuasively to address a rhetorical situation.
Inadequate, inappropriate, or irrelevant reasoning and evidence.
Over uses or under-analyzes evidence. May omit reasoning or include logical errors. May
include some irrelevant or unpersuasive evidence.
Usually supports the thesis and paragraph claims with credible, relevant, thorough, logical
reasoning and analyzed evidence.
Supports the thesis and paragraph claims with relevant, thorough, logical, and insightful
reasoning and analyzed evidence.
Developing
Recognize, evaluate, and employ the features and contexts of language that express and influence meaning and
that demonstrate sensitivity to gender and cultural differences.
Spelling, syntax, diction, or punctuation errors impede readability.
Spelling, syntax, diction, or punctuation errors impede readability or otherwise distract from
meaning.
Spelling, syntax, diction, or punctuation errors are few and do not distract from meaning.
Outstanding control of language, including effective diction and sentence variety.
DESIGN
ABSENT OR BELOW
BASIC
DEVELOPING
PROFICIENT
ADVANCED
Proficient
Recognize, evaluate, and employ the features and contexts of design that express and influence meaning and that
demonstrate sensitivity to gender and cultural differences.
Tone and/or design usually suggest/s an absence of awareness of audience and/or generic
conventions.
Tone and/or design are/is sometimes inappropriate or unconventional.
Appropriate tone and design conform to assigned audience and genre.
Sophisticated tone and design engage reader and conform to assigned audience and genre.