Running Head: AVS REVISION ASSIGNMENT

AVS Revision Assignment

Brad Harris
Full Sail University

Running Head: AVS REVISION ASSIGNMENT

Table of Contents
Hint Fiction, The Shock, Original WorkPage 3
Hint Fiction, The Shock, ExplanationPage 4
Hint Fiction, The Shock, Revision.Page 5
Sensory Details Part One, French Bread Pizza, Original WorkPage 6
Sensory Details Part One, French Bread Pizza, Explanation.Page 7
Sensory Details Part One, French Bread Pizza, Revision..Page 8
P.A.T. Part One, Just another Friday, Original Work...Page 9-12
P.A.T. Part Two, Ramukhans Tomb, Original Work..Page 13-15
Flash Fiction Part One, The Dance, Original WorkPage 16-17
Flash Fiction Part Two, The Dance, Original Work.Page 18

Running Head: AVS REVISION ASSIGNMENT

Hint Fiction, The Shock, Original Work

His mother came into the room to find her son lying in bed. She became startled
when he rolled over holding onto his wife's head.

Running Head: AVS REVISION ASSIGNMENT

Hint Fiction, The Shock, Explanation
While the student feedback was positive, the instructor did mention some things
that needed to be improved. She mentioned that it was unclear as to what I wanted the
audience to feel as an author. She mentioned I needed to go more in depth with visual
elements. She wanted me to focus on elevating the details.

So with that said, I went with a more gross out approach to this story. Do I think
its a better revision? Honestly no! I like the story just the way it was because I liked the
mystery behind it. But for this revision, Im trying to focus more on visual elements and
the small details to the story.

I hope that you find both to be entertaining!

Running Head: AVS REVISION ASSIGNMENT

Hint Fiction, The Shock, Revision

The spinal cord of his wifes neck dangles off the side of the bed. He smiles
delightfully as his mother opens the door, jaw dropped.

Running Head: AVS REVISION ASSIGNMENT

Sensory Details Part One, French Bread Pizza, Original Work

My tongue dances with delight, engulfed within the moment. No other can match
the intensity I feel. My nose but teases me before the first bite, waiting in anticipation for
what is to come. My stomach growls like a monster waiting in the closet, ready to
unleash a carnal rage upon the treat waiting on the plate in front of me. My eyes wonder
down the long breaded platform topped with tasty cheese and red meat that is so good,
it would make a Greek goddess weep with joy. My hands needed protection from the
fiery torches that tried to burn them like hot coals simply to get close to a taste that has
been crafted by the maker. The delicious flavors make the feat completely worth it when
the ending satisfaction makes you feel on top of the world and able to become the master
of time and space itself. What a satisfying feeling it brings at the end of the day.

Running Head: AVS REVISION ASSIGNMENT

Sensory Details Part One, French Bread Pizza, Explanation

Im constantly being reminded of the whole Show More, Tell Less scenario.
When I was in the film degree program, my instructors would always hound me about
having too much exposition in my screenplays. She mentioned that I should have a
visual image stand in for the sensory sensations that I described here. She said, push
beyond the first ideas to the uncharted territory beyond.

She provided me some links on how to improve construction, spelling,

capitalization, comma splices, and comma usage. Im hoping that youll see some
improvement in this revision to reflect what has been said and what needs to be done.
Thank you very much!

Running Head: AVS REVISION ASSIGNMENT

Sensory Details Part One, French Bread Pizza, Revision

My tongue dances with delight, engulfed within the moment. Like a cougar, none
can match this intensity. My nose teased me like a school girl before the first bite, waiting
in anticipation for what is to come. My stomach growls like a monster waiting in the
closet, ready to unleash a carnal rage upon the treat waiting on the plate in front of me. I
wonder down the long breaded platform topped with tasty cheese and red meat that is so
good, it would make a ravenous wolf tearfully happy. My hands needed protection from
the fiery torches that tried to burn them like hot coals simply to get close to a taste that
has been crafted by the maker. The delicious flavors make the feat completely worth it
when the ending satisfaction makes you feel on top of the world and able to become the
master of time and space itself. At the end of the day, I crash on the sofa with a smile as I
enjoy this tasty dinner treat.

Running Head: AVS REVISION ASSIGNMENT

P.A.T. Part One, Just another Friday, Original Work

He sat there, fumbling through the bills lying on the table. Tax Season was on the
approach. Sorting through the mountain of paperwork that lay before him, he begins to
tremble at the thought of wage garnishment and owing back taxes.

John

He hears a voice call for him from the living room. He turns his head to look for a
moment before going back to looking through the paperwork. Sweat drips from his nose
as he carefully pulls out a checkbook from his jackets outer pocket.

Suddenly, a hand touches Johns shoulder. John turns his head to look up as a
beautiful, youthful looking, blond woman. He smiles for a moment, forgetting about the
fact that they may be facing foreclosure of the home that they have spent that last 8 years
living in.

Hi, honey! John replies.

He imagines her response. How she is also positive, no matter what. If only, she
would question his choices, they might not be in the situation that they are in right now.

Well get through this! she responds.

Running Head: AVS REVISION ASSIGNMENT

10

There it was, the usual positive response. Only this time, he wasnt feeling the
love. He has been washed out with the positivity. He felt like she really didnt grasp the
reality of their situation.

You always say that. John replies, but our situation keeps getting worse and
worse.

Maybe she had her blinders on, but he was finally seeing things more clearly.
John stood up from the table and faced his wife. His look of concern started to take an
effect on Sara. She needed to be positive to keep from losing her cool. She felt as though
being positive was the best way to keep their relationship from spiraling out of control.

Face reality. John said, The chances of us not being homeless by summer are
slim to none.

John marched past Sara and went to the refrigerator to grab a beer. Sara, knowing
John had a drinking problem, raced to the refrigerator to stop John from making a
mistake. Sara had been battling with Johns drinking problem for a few months now and
had been close to her own breaking point for some time.

John, please stop this! Sara said, How can I keep my head together if you cant
keep it together yourself?

Running Head: AVS REVISION ASSIGNMENT

11

Johns frustration was even to make Sara cry. She held back tears for as long as
she can remember now. Sara knew John was not the same man that he was when they got
married. John had changed somehow. Maybe it was the fact that he lost the job that he
loved, that he spent a lifetime trying to achieve. Maybe that was the path that made him
an alcoholic.

John, youve got to stop this! Sara stated, If you go into this refrigerator and
take so much as one more bottle of beer, were done!

John became enraged. The thought that she would dare force a decision like this
upon him made him angry. After all, he was the man of the house, he should be allowed
to make decisions for himself.

Sara, you cant stop me! John replied.

Tears filled her eyes. She knew she couldnt stop him. She was just hoping that he
would listen to reason.

I know! Sara said as she walked away from John and headed towards the living
room.

Running Head: AVS REVISION ASSIGNMENT

12

John opened up the refrigerator door. Standing there, Saras words lingered in his
mind. Would he be doing the right thing by taking another drink? Would it really help
make things better for him?

John grabbed the last 2 bottles of beer in the refrigerator. He opened each of them
and walked over to the sink, pouring each of them down the drain. He felt a sense of
satisfaction that he hadnt felt in a while. He was finally free of the control that it had
over him.

He felt excited. He quickly made his way to the living room. He looked around,
but no one was there. He made his way to the bedroom, but found that the dresser was
cleaned out and the closet was empty.

It finally dawned on him that his wife had left him and he had no one to blame but
himself.

Running Head: AVS REVISION ASSIGNMENT

13

P.A.T. Part Two, Ramukhans Tomb, Original Work

He stood at the entrance of an ancient tomb. Scared out of his mind, he

contemplated the thoughts of what could lie beyond the door. Thoughts of undead
zombies and mummies filled his brain. He had been an archeologist for quite some time
now, but the thought of the million dollar offer he received just days earlier compelled
him to take this chance.

He knew that he would likely not make it out of this thing alive and even if he
did, how could he be sure that the doctor would live up to his end of the offer if he did
bring back the magical amulet? He felt as though this was suicide but he didnt have
much to live for anyways!

He remembered the doctors words very clearly. This is a one time offer Brad,
The doctor stated, Bring back the amulet of Ramukhan and Ill give you enough money
for 3 generations of descendants. These words still werent enough to keep him from
nervously reconsidering the offer.

He remembered all the movies and ghost stories of ancient Egyptian tombs from
his childhood, how some people never made it out of the tombs alive. Then he
remembered the Indiana Jones movies and how Indy was never afraid of anything. It was
those films that inspired him to get into this business, but he never faced a situation like
that until now. The pressure was on!

Running Head: AVS REVISION ASSIGNMENT

14

Brad stood there at the tomb entrance, recalling his training on Egyptian
hieroglyphics. He knew he had to read the inscriptions just right, in order to proceed
unharmed. He mustered up the courage and began to recite the passage. He made it about
a third of the way in and stopped, forgetting for a moment how to make out a certain
passage of writing. The smell of death beyond the door made him pause in his tracks. It
was the smell of mold and rotten flesh that made him second-guess what might be
waiting beyond the doorway.

Brad placed his hand upon the door, hoping that by rubbing his hand on the
inscription might help jog his memory. His hands rub across the dust laid stonewalls,
feeling the etched inscription like a blind man feeling his braille book to read a Charles
Dickens Novel. Closing his eyes, he could almost feel as though he had become a part of
the place now. His fear was lifted.

Brad opened his eyes and began to recite the rest of the inscription to pure
perfection, not missing a beat. He had overcome his fear for what lies ahead. As he
finished reciting the inscription, the door lifted. Brad was ready to proceed.

He walked forward beyond the doorway. In front of him, he saw the amulet sitting
upon a stone pedestal. Sunlight from the outside made a spotlight on it. It seemed almost
too easy to just retrieve it, but his overconfidence from the inscription reciting, gave him
enough motivation to take the amulet.

Running Head: AVS REVISION ASSIGNMENT

15

Brad walked forward and retrieved the amulet, but as he picked up the amulet, the
doors behind him closed. Sealed in the tomb, he looked up above the stone pedestal to see
another inscription. He was not counting on this.

The inscription read, He, who is not pure of heart, and attempts to retrieve the
sacred amulet of Ramukhan, will be trapped for eternity within this tomb.

It was at that moment, that Brad realized the terrible mistake he made.

Running Head: AVS REVISION ASSIGNMENT

16

Flash Fiction Part One, The Dance, Original Work

She stood there, across the room. Sitting alone, I wondered if she would take
notice in me. It was the first middle school dance of the year and yet, I was still afraid to
even talk to her. I had been crushing over her for the last two years. She was the prettiest
girl in school. How could someone as gorgeous as that, be interested in someone like me.

I sat there, knees shaking, anticipating what she would say when I approached her.
Would she turn me down? Would she call over one of the teachers and report me for
harassment? I reached into my pocket and pulled out a silver necklace that I had bought
for her a week before with my money I made mowing lawns during the summer. I knew
getting the necklace would sweeten the deal.

My friend, Nick, comes and sits beside me. He asks me if I had made my move
yet and I had to tell him no. He was always there for me. He asks me if I want him to
make the move for me and I tell him no again. I knew that if I was going to make this
work, I needed to do this on my own.

Nick smiles at me, he knows Im going to chicken out but hes nice enough not to
call me on it yet. Hes always been my right hand man when it comes to situations that I
have a hard time handling myself. I watched her, having fun with some of the other girls
at the dance. Some of the girls would dance with their guy of choice but she sat there,
almost as if she was waiting for someone to say something to her.

Running Head: AVS REVISION ASSIGNMENT

17

What was I doing there? If I was going to dance with anyone at the dance, I
wanted it to be her. I just didnt have the nerve to say anything. I was so nervous that I
almost soiled my pants. I had to do something before the moment passed and was gone
forever.

I stood up, and made my way across the dance floor. As I approached her, another
guy came up and asked her to dance. She happily accepted and she walked right past me
as if I was a ghost. The moment had passed and I blew it. If only I had moved just a few
minutes sooner!

Running Head: AVS REVISION ASSIGNMENT

18

Flash Fiction Part Two, The Dance, Original Work

As she stood alone across the room, I sat there wondering if she would take notice
in me. It was the first dance of the year and I was still too afraid to talk to her. I had a
crush on the prettiest girl in school. How could someone like that be interested in
someone like me?

My knees shook as I anticipated what she would say if I spoke to her. I reached in
my pocket and pulled out a necklace that I had spent my summer money on. I got the
necklace hoping it would sweeten the deal tonight.

My friend Nick smiles at me as he sits down, asking if I had made my move yet. I
told him no as I watched her having fun with her friends across the room. He asked me if
I wanted him to make the move for me and I told him no again, knowing I had to do this
myself.

What was I doing there if I wasnt going to make my move? I had to do

something before the moment passed forever. I got up and made my way over to her, but
alas, someone beat me to the punch.