Nayoung Hyun

Professor M. McCampbell
ENGL101
October 21, 2015
Nayoung This paper shows a major improvement over the first essay. Keep up the focus and
the hard work, and I bet your next essay will be even better.
Essay2 78/110
The other Wes Moore is a book that two boys, who have same name Wes Moore. They had alike
situations and background. They lived in Baltimore with their mother and siblings, but their life
became totally different. The author Wes Moore showed how mother influenced his whole life
positively. This paragraph needs a little more background to get the reader grounded in the essay
and also indicate that you will be comparing the two mothers. Your thesis could be expanded to
show what kind of influence Joy had on Wes1.
This paragraph should be two separate paragraphs because you discuss two separate
influences, and you also compare the two mothers. You interpret the citations significance very
well.
The author Wes Moores mother led her son to see bigger picture of his life. Firstly, his
mother, Joy, tried to interact with Wes more than the other Wes Moores mother, Mary. Joy said
Wes, you are not going anywhere until you give this place a try. I am so proud of you and your
father is proud of you. We just want you to give this a shot. Too many people have sacrificed in
order for you to be there (Moore 95). Joy exactly expressed her thinking to Wes how she
thought about her son, mentioning his father, who was passed away when Wes was young. It
showed not only his mother think her son is so precious but also his father think as same as his

mother. Wes also respected and deeply loved his mother. On the other hand, Mary had definitely
different parental way. She did not try to communicate with her son at least once. In Chapter 4, it
was a story that Mary noticed her sons lying and found a bunch of drugs in shoes boxes. She had
a bit of doubt about her sons money source because it did not make sense that the money was
from DJing. However, she just wanted to believe that his son did not get in wrong way until
Tony, the other Wes Moores brother, told truth. When she found many drugs in her sons room,
she threw them away without communicate with her son. The story narrated Mary was not the
least bit concerned about her sons new dilemma (Moore 74). this sentence explained how Mary
was indifferent to her son. Next, Joy punished the author Wes when he did wrong. When Wes hit
his sister, she strongly rebuked him. She showed her feeling to Wes such as anger,
disappointment, fear, and confusion. It gave her son realization what he did. Also, she warned
him if he could not get his grades and discipline together, he would be gone a military school
(Moore 54). Joy sent her son to the military school without his opinion after her son could not
get them. In contrast, Mary was not interested in her sons behaviors. She did not punished her
son about selling drugs secretly. Only she was very furious at him because he lied to her.
Besides, she did not try to know where her son was staying and what he was doing after her son
ran away from home. What she did to her son made more his sons life harshly. Finally, Joy
supported her son for getting good quality of environment. She moved to Bronx with her
children and applied them to Riverdale Country School, which was an affluent school, due to
good education. However, her son could not adapt to the school life and made trouble. She sent
her son to a military school because she did not want that her son became same as other people,
who lived in poor neighborhood. According to Rosen, Johns Hopkins sociologist Karl Alexander
told that the assets of a family and the door, which the family opened, influence their childrens

pathways negatively. Specifically, most low-income families live in a neighborhood where

people have low-income. The areas frequently have high rate of crime and less opportunities for
education. Schools does not have enough money, have disciplinary problems, and there are not
enough well equipped teachers and meeting schools educational authorities (Engle). If Joy did
not try to make a better environment for her son, he would go same way like other children, who
had similar situation as her son. The author Wes said in the book, When were young, it
sometimes seems as if the world doesnt exist outside our city, our block, our house, our room.
We make decisions based on what we see in that limited world and follow the only models
available (Moore 178). It definitely explained about the influence of environment to children.
In summary, the author Wes Moores mother shared her feeling with her son, punished
him when he got in wrong way intentionally, and made opportunities for getting good education.
Comparing two Wes Moores mothers showed how mother can affect their childrens life
positively and negatively. If the author Wes Moores mother did not take care of him closely, he
could became like the other Wes Moore.

Work Cited
Engle, Patrice L., and Maureen M. Black. "The Effect of Poverty on Child Development and
Educational Outcomes." Cal Poly San Luis Obispo. Web. 18 Oct. 2015.
Rosen, Jill. "Study: Children's Life Trajectories Largely Determined by Family They Are Born
into." The Hub. 02 June 2014. Web. 18 Oct. 2015.
Moore, Wes. The Other Wes Moore: The Story of One Name and Two Fates. New York: Spiegel
& Grau, 2010. Print.
ENGL 101
M. McCampbell

Essay 2 -The Other Wes Moore

Scoring Rubric

Item

Does not meet C

Meets C standard

Introductio
n
>6

0-5 points

6 - 7 points

No intro device
Flat statement

Uses effective intro

device to connect reader
to topic
Identifies which Wes
Moore and influence

Thesis
>7

0-4 points
Flat statement of fact;
Broad influence

5 7 points
Assertion shows a clear
perspective of what

Exceeds C
Standard
8 - 10 points
Uses specific detail
in introduction that
illustrates
significance of
influence and
broader social
implication.
8 10 points
Strong persuasive
assertion that clearly

Thesis is not completely

developed

Influencing
Factor
> 8 good
details
(except
about Wes 1
growing up in
Balatimore)a
nd
interpretation
s
Expanded
Social Issue
>5 weak
interpretation
and
connection
with Wes
Moore

Conclusion
>7

In-text
citations
>7

connects Moores
outcome with the
influence/s

0- 4 points

influenced the Wes Moore

of your choice
All ideas are developed in
the essay.
5 - 7 points

Incomplete description,
e.g. omits who is
affected and/or how;
topic is too broad
No support from The
Other Wes Moore

Narrows down the

influence, provides
background and how Wes
Moore is influenced.
Includes two cited
examples from the book.

Cites evidence from

The Other Wes
Moore and interprets
Moores statements
to the essay.

0-4 points

5 - 7 points

8 - 10 points

Broader social
implications are not
clear or vaguely
referenced.
No broader social
implications are
mentioned.

Two researched details are

identified and connected
to the Wes of your choice
is clear.
Good details: RENNS

3 researched details
are identified,
detailed (RENNS),
and cited. These
broader social
implications are
clearly connected to
the Wes Moore of
your choice. .
8 - 10 points
In addition to
meeting criteria for a
conclusion, the
conclusion includes a
reflective statement
about the
significance.

1- 4 points
Restates thesis
or provides an
incomplete
summary

0-2 points
No references to
assigned reading;
Refers to sources, but
does not cite them;
Some material is not
cited correctly.

5 - 7points
Clearly summarizes the
influence/s on the Wes of
your choice and links
them with the broader
social implications.

3 - 4 points
Uses two reference to
assigned reading; uses
correct in-text format.
Correctly used two
references from outside
sources.
Uses two different ways
of including outside
information. Citations link
correctly to work cited
entries. Minimum of two
errors

8 10 points

5points
Uses two or more
references to
assigned reading and
cites them correctly.
Uses two or more
references to outside
sources and
identifies their
relevance to the
reader. Integrates
material into the text
in a variety of ways.

Work cited
>3

Compositio
n
Structure>7

Coherence>5
para 2 should
be two
separate
paragraphs;
transitions
are weak.
Clarity>7

0-2points
No work cited list
Only one entry on work
cited list

0-4 points

3 - 4 points
Three entries on work
cited list, correctly cited
and alphabetized. One or
two errors.
5-7 points

One or two topic

sentences missing;
Paragraphs lack unity

Clearly stated topic

sentences;
Paragraphs clearly relate
to thesis

Paragraph not related to

topic;
Organization does not
follow a clearpattern;
Abrupt changes;

Paragraphs arranged in
logical order;
Ideas follow logical
development
Employs transitions when
necessary

No errors in citation
5 points
More than three
entries on the work
cited list.
No errors
8-10 points
Topic sentences are
specifically worded
and link thesis and
all supporting
material
Transitions move
ideas clearly
throughout essay;
Ideas build on each
other to emphasize
thesis;

Wording is vague;
Uses appropriate
Writers voice is clear
Words are confused
pronouns;
and authoritative;
with other meanings
Avoids redundant wording; Employs specific
Grammatical
Uses words correctly
words; employs
conventions are
Avoids slang and worn out active voice and
infracted;
cliches
specific verbs;
Uses second person
Wording is concise
prn;
Spelling, grammar, and sentence mechanics errors 1 point for each error, prorated by 500
words.
Errors: You begin with 20 points. You lose one point for each of the following errors: -7/2 = -4 = 16
Spelling

pronoun use

Capitalization

comma splice

Subj/verb agreement

run-on/fused sentence

Incorrect verb form

sentence fragment

Verb tense

Begin sentence with coordinating conj.

Punctuation with direct and indirect quotations

Comma error with coordinating conjunction

Apostrophe errors
pronoun/antecedent agreement