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Alyssa Mohr

Natalia (TA)
Psych 80A
Religion is a childhood obsession, which causes neurosis and is used as a way to
control the existential anxiety within childhood helplessness. These were just some of the
points Sigmund Freud made about his experience with religion. Followers of Freud and
his ideas believe religion is fraud in the way that it is used to justify peoples fears.
Examples of this are seen in the way we act towards God and what we do for Him in
terms of religion. Examples of this include fasting (Islam and Christianity) or sacrifice in
order to prove loyalty to the in-group (Terrorism). The way we justify religion and what it
represents has a lot to do with Skinners idea of behaviorism. Skinner describes
behaviorism in many ways but one that stood out in this instance, shaping of behavior.
Religion tends to shape the behavior of a person. Children are sometimes very gullible
when it comes to religion. This relates to Freuds idea of childhood neurosis and
existential loneliness because the child is blinded by the lies of religion. This also
relates to behaviorism as well concerning reward and punishment (operant conditioning).
Parents feel that if their children attend church then there will be a reward for the child
along with the family. When people think of religion they think of punishment as it
pertains to not going to church or committing a sin whereas reward comes from the faith
in God along with repentance (going to church). There are many people I have met
during my time here at UC Santa Cruz that believe and acknowledge Freuds ideas of
religion. As a child I did not attend church because my parents never took me. My dads
father was a pastor and my dad was forced to go to church every Sunday. Now that he is
older, he chooses not to attend since it altered the way he viewed religion and God.

Having religion figuratively beat into him shaped his behavior about God. He thinks
church is a scam. My dad does not attend church with my mom as an act of rebellion
against his father. My mom was another story; she believed in God and attended church
but not as much as she does now because she has like me, seen how precious life is. She
feels that going to church can help her get through life with no regrets. This is where my
journey of religious faith began. Faith is part of a different realm in my life. I believe very
much in the importance of education but I also have a strong feeling about faith and what
it represents. I feel that when I go to church I am in a different state of mind.
For me, religion is a choice and should not be forced upon people especially
young children who do not understand it for the most part. I have had a stressful couple
of years when it comes to faith and personal issues. I wish I went to church more
regularly but being away at school makes it a little more difficult to attend church. I just
started going with my mom on breaks these past couple of years and regularly before I
started college. I still remember the first time I went to church.
My mom and I go to a Presbyterian Christian Church. She goes every Sunday and
is a member. I have been trying to become a member these past couple years but once
again it has been tough since I cannot make it to the same church every Sunday. My story
begins with my first encounter at church two years ago.
The first time I went to church it was not at all how I expected it. I woke up early
that Sunday morning and I was extremely nervous. My mind was in many different
places. This would be my very first encounter with religion. I had heard many things
about religion both good and bad. I could tell my mom was very excited for me to go
with her that day. She knew it was going to be a great way for us to spend time together.

What she saw as exciting in going to church with me, I saw as horrifying and endless. We
got into the car and started driving. I tried to focus my energy on good things but all I
could think about were my sins. Why my sins? Well that was one of the things I had
heard about religion and church; the sins that I must confess to God. This was extremely
terrifying for me. I was seventeen and I felt like my whole life had revisited me in that
moment. It was an overwhelming feeling and it lasted for about forty-five seconds. I
remembered all the wrong that had occurred in my life such as hurting others and lying to
my family and friends. I have had quite a blessed life prior to these events so I do not
know why I felt sinful and taken over by what I would call my guilty conscience. The
noises surrounding me placed me into an alternate state of consciousness. I do not know
where my mind went but only that I saw myself re-doing all the bad things I had done in
those past couple of years. In those last two years, I saw myself become someone I hated.
It was a dark time for me. I had deceived people, cheated, and committed acts that were
not normal of my nature. After returning to reality, I felt unclean, sick, and disappointed.
My mom could not tell that I was going through an emotional crisis within my own
conscience. It was eating me alive inside reminding me of the awful things I did to people
I claim to love. All the reminders left me thinking of whom I was. My identity felt lost.
The person I portrayed became lost and replaced by my shadow. Guilt and reoccurring
events were probably the most overwhelming things I felt during that drive. I had not
forgiven myself for what I did in the past and was scared that going to church would
make my guilty conscience worse. It was at that moment that we arrived at the church.
The media portrays a Catholic church or any kind of church as a highly decorated
place with fancy benches or rugs to sit on, along with other key features such as Jesus or

any other God and the cross or extravagant paintings that would be hard to make out.
Stereotypical churches look more like a place that screams worship rather than being
welcoming. This was not at all like the church I attended. The church I attended was less
extravagant and did not contain any unsubtle symbols of religion. It looked like a
community center. However, I felt it was very welcoming and I experienced a feeling of
acceptance rather than judgment.
It was ironic that I felt all those pressures upon me right before church. I felt that
it was sign that I must repent and forgive in order to go on with my life. To this day, I still
am unable to explain where all those feelings came from. It was a peak experience for
me. As my mom and I walked into the church, there were about sixty people as opposed
to one hundred to two hundred people in a Catholic church. It was a small gathering that I
enjoyed greatly especially after what I had experienced upon arrival. However, I did not
recognize any of these people. My mom introduced me to five or ten people who were
very cheery and happy to see me even though they did not know me. It was a struggle to
look those people into the eyes and smile after the experience I had just had in the car
ride over here. I felt overwhelmed with guilt, and like I did not deserve the kindness. I
would describe myself as a very cheerful and happy person most of the time. However, I
had never felt so out of my body and alone as I did at that moment. My mom and I finally
sat down as church was about start. She was trying to tell me about what we were going
to do but I was so distracted with everything going on in my mind that I was not able to
grasp what she was saying.
Finally the clock struck 10:30 and church had started. It was an interesting
beginning. The first thing we did was sing and worship God through song. All I could

smell was the coffee on everyones breath and the cologne that all the men wore. I heard
the beautiful voices of my peers and felt embarrassed by my awful singing voice. I was
so worried about how I sounded that I did not focus on the words we were singing. I
looked down at my pamphlet that we were given at the door of the church and there they
were, the words of God. They were so beautiful and moving. I started to tear up and
weep. I did not realize I was actually crying until my mom looked at me and smiled. She
thought I was crying out of joy but what she did not know is that I was just letting out
everything that I was feeling emotionally and mentally ever since that drive. It almost felt
like the pressures that were upon me, along with the guilt, were all being released from
my body in such an emotional manner. It was an amazing though painful experience both
in the vertical dimension and horizontal dimension. It was spiritually awakening
(vertical) while at the same time very logical (horizontal). I was so overwhelmed by the
song and the people surrounding me singing in joy and worship. They were so sweet to
me and showed me affection through friendly hugs and kisses. This is something I would
not normally experience with complete strangers. That is my favorite thing about going to
that church, that no matter who you are, you are always welcome and loved. They will
always accept you just like God will always accept us.
When I was young, my mom always used to teach me a prayer before I went to
sleep. It was a beautiful prayer and I will never forget it. Praying at church was not much
different. It was unforgettable. Prayer for me is a way to come to terms with yourself and
your spirit. It is a way to open your mind to unimaginable possibilities. It is a way to let
go of the guilt or anything else you are harnessing in life. The only difference was that
there were forty other people there with you praying for the same happiness and joy.

Before the pastor talked with the congregation, we performed prayer requests for those
people who were in need of the prayer most. We prayed for people who were ill, those
whom had lost a loved one, or those that were going through some type of tragedy. There
were many different circumstances for which we prayed. When we did prayer requests, I
felt unified with the rest of the congregation. We were all focusing our energy and prayer
on one person or even a group of people. This was extremely moving and was one of my
other favorite things about going to church. Now when I pray at home, I pray for those
who are across seas fighting for our country and for my friends and loved ones who are
having a hard time in life. I pray every night and that makes me feel connected to God
through words and actions. When I pray, I feel like I am in a different realm. Nothing else
matters except God and me in that moment. Praying makes me feel at peace with myself.
I now understand and appreciate what life has to offer me and how lucky I am to have the
life God has given me.
Faith in God and his requests is also a big part of religion. We go to church to
worship our Father, but if we do not have faith then it is harder to worship and love God.
This does not mean you are not welcome but that it will take time for you to see what is
really important in life. Having faith is what has gotten me through the really tough times
in my life. There have not been that many, but the hard times have sometimes caused me
to question God. I would say, Why is God letting this happen to me? This is a very
selfish yet intellectual question. Everybody wonders why them? or why I should trust in
God? Having faith helps you answer those questions. I gained faith through church,
however, you can obtain faith through other forms of spiritual experiences or activities. I
have more faith after participating in prayer and worship. Being away at college makes

all this a lot harder for me. I am a full-time student so it is harder to get away for that
Sunday service especially when it is a different church. My mom and I lucked out by
finding a really welcoming church. I feel that it will not be that easy around Santa Cruz,
but I have faith that one day I will find a church just as good and will continue my
worship to God outside of my apartment. There are many options for me to go to church
in Santa Cruz, but I am scared of the experience I might endure. I think the thing that
frightens me the most is the commitment I will have to make to something like religion.
Attending UC Santa Cruz has helped me realize the many things happening all over the
world that I have overlooked. I still pray every night and have more faith than ever.
Having faith is important especially when you or a loved one is having a crisis in their
life. Faith helps you get past the negatives that people portray about religion and God.
My spiritual journey consisted of many interesting circumstances but they all
deliver the same question. Why is life so precious? A couple of years ago, I was having a
tough life on a personal level concerning boys and family. I lied, cheated, and hurt the
people I love. I was poorly influenced to do things I regret. Through faith, passion, and
love I managed to fight through my guilt and end up at the place where I am today. I am
at peace with myself, however, I still struggle with my choices from time to time, but
being around the church and my family help me get through everyday as if it were my
last. Seeing that other people have to fight through the death of loved ones helped me
realize how blessed I am to have life, freedom and faith by my side. As long as I believe,
believe in a higher power, and believe that life is short and we must take charge of our
life whether it is through religion or something fundamental, I feel I will have a fulfilling
life with no regrets. That is what I want to accomplish. I want to end the day with no

regrets. However, recently and in the past I have had moral dilemmas concerning my
personal life. Now that I am in college, I want to expand my horizons and experience
everything possible, but sometimes I feel tied down. I hate feeling this way but I feel tied
down to the life I live back at home. It is hard to admit this even though I am happy either
way. It is a tough situation to be in and one of the ways I cope with life is to pray and feel
like I am one with a higher power (God).
In the past, I was not one with my spirit or a higher power so I feel that is one of
the reasons why I lost myself and acted out of impulse. My first love was like nothing I
have ever experienced. He was different and not the best boyfriend, but I was blinded by
love. We dated for eleven months and it was a hard break up. This is when I turned to
church and religion. I felt like I had nothing to lose. I was very distraught. A couple
months passed and that is when the emotional breakdown began. It started when I started
seeing my ex-boyfriend again while lying to my parents and sneaking out in the middle
of the night. He and I saw each other for a while when I met another guy. This guy so
different from my ex-boyfriend and he made me so light and heavy at the same time. In
other words he made me feel like I could float in mid-air while also feeling like I have a
heavy heart. Lets call the new guy Fred and my ex-boyfriend Jason. Fred and I started
dating and we ended up going to prom together. He asked me to be his girlfriend a week
later. It was an amazing month with Fred. I was also still seeing Jason through that time
with Fred.
Looking back at it now I still do not know why I did what I did. Of course Fred
found out and so did my parents. It was an emotional experience and I had never cried
that much in my life. I lost the trust of my parents, my friends, and of Fred. Jason was

long gone when he found out that everyone else knew. I had never felt so disgusting and
deceiving. I have been told that I am such a sweet-hearted girl that treats people with
respect. I could never have seen myself act the way I did that freshman year in college.
These emotions and actions still haunt me every once in a while.
One very scary but honest to goodness truth that I have learned from going to
church recently is how life in general along with being a Christian is tough. What I have
learned is that life is full of trials: In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little
while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your
faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it tested by fire, may be
found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ(Peter 1: 6-9). This
quote from the Bible touched me in a way that I had never experienced. I finally realized
why I had suffered so much these past two years. I believe it was planned. That does not
excuse me from the awful things I did but I did rejoice at that moment. It was like a huge
weight had been lifted off of me. I was no longer fearful of my sins because I realized
that God loved me and that I could rejoice in His name.
Another fear we have as humans is death. For some people, it is a secret
companion that wakes them in the middle of the night. How will it happen? When? In my
years, I have been blessed to not have to experience death of someone really close to me.
Unfortunately that is not everyones case. My dads father died about four years ago. I
was not very close with my grandpa because he lived so far away, but the worst part of it
all was watching my dad go through it all. People say watching a man especially your
own father cry is one of the most mournful things to experience. I had never seen my dad
so upset and why wouldnt he be? It was his father. It was just an experience that

reminded me so much of how I felt about church and faith. Faith means you believe in
life and what it can represent while church is where we profess our faith. They all
intertwine. Having faith and believing in something are all overwhelming feelings that
are everlasting. Just recently, my very good friends grandfather died of cancer. Seeing
my friend go through that was very tough but he had faith. Faith is what helped my friend
help his grandpa through the illness. I had never seen my friend cry like he did the day he
found out his grandpa got cancer and the day he passed. Seeing his emotion made me
realize how precious life was and how we should never take it for granted. We should live
everyday like it is our last because we never know what tomorrow will bring us. God
teaches us this in church and throughout life experiences that we face.
The haunting of my past mistakes made me want to die at times literally. I was
unable to cope with what I had done. During this distraught time in my life, my mother
tried to get me out of the house and get my mind on other things. I felt vulnerable and
unprotected. Finally my mom told me that I needed to spend time with her and go to
church, and that it would help. I gave up the courage to go that Sunday. This leads back to
my spiritual journey.
It was an experience that I hope to never go through again. The one grateful thing
I have to take from all of that is that I learned from my mistakes and I saw what kind of
person I can become with the blindfolds of love and lust. I literally visited that dark place
in my life where I was selfish and inconsiderate of peoples feelings. My darkness
overcame me and I acted as if I was a different person. When I attend church I feel I am
in a different paradigm, which draws my attention to the more important things in the
world and helps me re-visit the people that are not as fortunate as I am.

Overcoming this part of me was a big step in my life. Even though I still see my
dark side every once in a while, turning to church and faith helped me overcome that side
of me most of the time. Going through this experience made me realize the kind of
person I am but it also made me realize what kind of person I can become. It was a scary
experience but it opened my eyes up to the world and how precious it is.

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