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101 The One Where Monica Gets a New waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk
Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version) that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! about your- (thinks) -big lizards... Anyway, if you don't
And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I coming over to help me put together my new furniture.
Monica are there.] mean, I always knew looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited
Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I about it.
guy I work with! doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just
Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know that you gonna hang out here tonight. It's been kinda a long
There's gotta be something wrong with him! and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I day.
Chandler: All right Joey, be nice. So does he knew who lived here in the city. Ross: Okay, sure.
have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece? Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding. Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk? Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.
(They all stare, bemused.) issue... [Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is there and Commercial Break
Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out [Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing for change.]
through what I went through with Carl- oh! what is going on.] Phoebe: (singing) Love is sweet as summer showers,
Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the big pipe love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your
date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- organ, and she's really not happy about it. love, your love...is like a giant pigeon...crapping on my
not having sex. Chandler: (imitating the characters) Tuna or egg heart. La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her some
Chandler: Sounds like a date to me. salad? Decide! change and to that guy) Thank you. (sings)
[Time Lapse] Ross: (in a deep voice) I'll have whatever Christine is La-la-la-la...ohhh!
Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm having. [Scene: Ross's Apartment, the guys are there
standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I Rachel: (on phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry him! I'm assembling furniture.]
realize I am totally naked. sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it matters to me! Ross: (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm
All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream. (The scene on TV has changed to show two women, one is supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things,
Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's holding her hair.) using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no
a phone... there. Phoebe: If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off. brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I
Joey: Instead of...? Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those cannot feel my legs.
Chandler: That's right. pants. Joey: I say push her down the stairs. Phoebe, (Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling the
Joey: Never had that dream. Ross, Chandler, and Joey: Push her down the stairs! bookcase.)
Phoebe: No. Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Joey: I'm thinking we've got a bookcase here.
Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to (She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.) Chandler: It's a beautiful thing.
ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's like, all of Joey: (picking up a leftover part) What's this?
starts looking at me. my life, everyone has always told me, 'You're a shoe! Chandler: I would have to say that is an 'L'-shaped
Monica: And they weren't looking at you before?! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe!'. And today I bracket.
Chandler: Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, just stopped and I said, 'What if I don't wanna be a shoe? Joey: Which goes where?
and it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very What if I wanna be a- a purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, Chandler: I have no idea.
weird, because- she never calls me! I'm not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am (Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a
[Time Lapse, Ross has entered.] a ha- It's a metaphor, Daddy! plant.)
Ross: (mortified) Hi. Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble. Joey: Done with the bookcase!
Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself. Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll just stay Chandler: All finished!
Monica: Are you okay, sweetie? here with Monica. Ross: (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was
Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's staying Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can,
throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of here with Monica... I should have known.
my mouth and tied it around my neck... Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well, maybe I Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're gonna start with that
Chandler: Cookie? don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said maybe!! stuff we're outta here.
Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved [Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.] Chandler: Yes, please don't spoil all this fun.
her stuff out today. Monica: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to think Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the
Joey: Ohh. of nice calm things... Phoebe: (sings) Raindrops on roses furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get?
Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee. and rabbits and kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at Ross: You guys.
Ross: Thanks. her.) bluebells and sleighbells and- something with Chandler: Oh, God.
Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air mittens... La la la la...something and noodles with Joey: You got screwed.
just in front of Ross.) string. These are a few... Chandler: Oh my God!
Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, Rachel: I'm all better now. [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are eating.]
just leave my aura alone, okay? Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to Monica: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Fine! Be murky! Chandler and Joey.) I helped! Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I
Ross: I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best, y'know? should have caught on when she started going to the
she'll be very happy. Independence. Taking control of your life. The whole, dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean
Monica: No you don't. 'hat' thing. can teeth get?
Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me! Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need anything, you Monica: My brother's going through that right now,
Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian... can always come to Joey. Me and Chandler live across the he's such a mess. How did you get through it?
Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep hall. And he's away a lot. Paul: Well, you might try accidentally breaking
fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding day! something valuable of hers, say her-
know? Joey: What, like there's a rule or something? Monica: -leg?
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.) Paul: (laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for the
(They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud? Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound. watch.
Ross: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed Paul: (over the intercom) It's, uh, it's Paul. Monica: You actually broke her watch? Wow! The
to take it pretty well. Monica: Oh God, is it 6:30? Buzz him in! worst thing I ever did was, I-I shredded by boyfriend's
Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I Joey: Who's Paul? favorite bath towel.
got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., "I'll never Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul? Paul: Ooh, steer clear of you.
have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren." Monica: Maybe. Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight Monica: That's right. [Scene: Monica's Apartment,
was what? A wrong number? is with Paul the Wine Guy? Rachel is talking on the phone and pacing.]
Ross: Sorry. Ross: He finally asked you out? Rachel: Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know you
Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of Monica: Yes! probably think that this is all about what I said the
pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment. other day about you making love with your socks on,
tell you what the answer is? Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel... but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- (She stops
(Ross gestures his consent.) Rachel: Please, no, go, that'd be fine! talking and dials the phone.) Hi, machine cut me off
Joey: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some Monica: (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want again... anyway...look, look, I know that some girl is
hormones! me to stay? going to be incredibly lucky to become Mrs. Barry
Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I Ross: (choked voice) That'd be good... Finkel, but it isn't me, it's not me. And not that I have
just- I just wanna be married again! Monica: (horrified) Really? any idea who me is right now, but you just have to give
(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy! me a chance too... (The maching cuts her off again
to search the room.) Phoebe: What does that mean? Does he sell it, drink it, and she redials.)
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn't know.) [Scene: Ross's Apartment; Ross is pacing while Joey
extends his hand hopefully.) (There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.) and Chandler are working on some more furniture.]
Monica: Rachel?! Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all lined up Ross: I'm divorced! I'm only 26 and I'm divorced!
Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just next to the door.)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul. Joey: Shut up!
went to your building and you weren't there and All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey! Chandler: You must stop! (Chandler hits what he is
then this guy with a big hammer said you might be Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was working on with a hammer and it collapses.)
here and you are, you are! it? Ross: That only took me an hour.
Waitress: Can I get you some coffee? Monica: Okay, umm-umm, I'll just--I'll be right back, I just Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand,
Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) gotta go ah, go ah... between us we haven't had a relationship that has
Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln Ross: A wandering? lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had
High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Monica: Change! Okay, sit down. (Shows Paul in) Two the love of a woman for four years. Four years of
Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you seconds. closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped
remember my brother Ross? Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't your heart out, and that is why we don't do it! I don't
Rachel: Hi, sure! be good. think that was my point!
Ross: Hi. (Monica goes to change.) Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if
(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens. He Joey: Hey, Paul! there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I
sits back down defeated again. A moment of Paul: Yeah? mean what if you get one woman- and that's it?
silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect Joey: Here's a little tip, she really likes it when you rub her Unfortunately in my case, there was only one woman-
her to explain.) neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it for her...
Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we starts to get a little red. Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'?
waiting for four wet bridesmaids? Monica: (yelling from the bedroom) Shut up, Joey! That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream
Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half Ross: So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up to for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross. There's lots
hour before the wedding. I was in the room where tonight? of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie
we were keeping all the presents, and I was Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em
looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing! with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the
Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (to the Ross: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, best thing that ever happened to you! You got married,
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you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry. (Burst into song and scream.
world! Grab a spoon! dances out of the door.) "Once I was a wooden boy, a little (She finishes cutting them up and they all cheer.)
Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or wooden boy..." Monica: Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're
horny. Joey: You should both know, that he's a dead man. Oh, gonna love it!
Chandler: Stay out of my freezer! [Scene: A Chandler? (Starts after Chandler.) Monica: So how you [Time Lapse, Rachel and Ross are watching a TV
Restaurant, Monica and Paul are still eating.] doing today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to Barry? I can't stop channel finishes it's broadcast day by playing the
Paul: Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh... smiling. national anthem.]
Monica: What?..... What, you wanna spell it out Rachel: I can see that. You look like you slept with a Monica: Well, that's it (To Ross) You gonna crash on
with noodles? hanger in your mouth. the couch?
Paul: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda Monica: I know, he's just so, so... Do you remember you Ross: No. No, I gotta go home sometime.
revelation. and Tony DeMarco? Monica: You be okay?
Monica: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date? Rachel: Oh, yeah. Ross: Yeah.
Paul: Isn't there? Monica: Well, it's like that. With feelings. Rachel: Hey Mon, look what I just found on the floor.
Monica: Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -What were Rachel: Oh wow. Are you in trouble. (Monica smiles.) What?
you gonna say? Monica: Big time! Monica: That's Paul's watch. You just put it back
Paul: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, Rachel: Want a wedding dress? Hardly used. where you found it. Oh boy. Alright. Goodnight,
I haven't been able to, uh, perform. (Monica takes Monica: I think we are getting a little ahead of selves here. everybody.
a sip of her drink.) ...Sexually. Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work and not Ross and Rachel: Goodnight.
Monica: (spitting out her drink in shock) Oh God, think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna get up and (Monica stomps on Paul's watch and goes into her
oh God, I am sorry... I am so sorry... go to work. room.)
Paul: It's okay... Rachel: Oh, look, wish me luck! Ross: Mmm. (They both reach for the last cookie) Oh,
Monica: I know being spit on is probably not what Monica: What for? no-
you need right now. Um... how long? Rachel: I'm gonna go get one of those (Thinks) job things. Rachel: Sorry-
Paul: Two years. (Monica exits.) Ross: No no no, go-
Monica: Wow! I'm-I'm-I'm glad you smashed her [Scene: Iridium, Monica is working as Frannie enters.] Rachel: No, you have it, really, I don't want it-
watch! Frannie: Hey, Monica! Ross: Split it?
Paul: So you still think you, um... might want that Monica: Hey Frannie, welcome back! How was Florida? Rachel: Okay.
fifth date? Frannie: You had sex, didn't you? Ross: Okay. (They split it.) You know you probably
Monica: (pause)...Yeah. Yeah, I do. Monica: How do you do that? didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um,
[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is watching Frannie: Oh, I hate you, I'm pushing my Aunt Roz through major crush on you.
Joanne Loves Chaci.] Parrot Jungle and you're having sex! So? Who? Rachel: I knew.
Priest on TV: We are gathered here today to join Monica: You know Paul? Ross: You did! Oh.... I always figured you just thought
Joanne Louise Cunningham and Charles, Frannie: Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Paul. I was Monica's geeky older brother.
Chachi-Chachi-Chachi, Arcola in the bound of holy Monica: You mean you know Paul like I know Paul? Rachel: I did.
matrimony. Frannie: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Y'know Ross: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my
Rachel: Oh...see... but Joanne loved Chachi! before me, there was no snap in his turtle for two years. intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here-
That's the difference! [Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Rachel is there.] but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out?
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, they're all sitting Joey: (sitting on the arm of the couch)Of course it was a Sometime? Maybe?
around and talking.] line! Rachel: Yeah, maybe...
Ross: (scornful) Grab a spoon. Do you know how Monica: Why?! Why? Why, why would anybody do Ross: Okay... okay, maybe I will...
long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the something like that? Rachel: Goodnight.
words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more Ross: Goodnight.
you? sophisticated than 'to get you into bed'. (Rachel goes into her room and Monica enters the
Joey: Great story! But, I uh, I gotta go, I got a Monica: I hate men! I hate men! living room as Ross is leaving.)
date with Andrea--Angela--Andrea... Oh man, Phoebe: Oh no, don't hate, you don't want to put that out Monica: See ya.... Waitwait, what's with you?
(looks to Chandler) into the universe. Ross: I just grabbed a spoon. (Ross exits and Monica
Chandler: Angela's the screamer, Andrea has Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that has no idea what that means.)
cats. only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can Closing Credits
Joey: Right. Thanks. It's June. I'm outta here. hear? [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
(Exits.) Phoebe: All right, c'mere, gimme your feet. (She starts Joey: I can't believe what I'm hearing here.
Ross: Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get massaging them.) Phoebe: (sings) I can't believe what I'm hearing
it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who Monica: I just thought he was nice, y'know? here...
am I gonna ask? (He gazes out of the window.) Joey: (bursts out laughing again) I can't believe you didn't Monica: What? I-I said you had a-
[Cut to Rachel staring out of her window.] know it was a line! Phoebe: (sings) What I said you had...
Commercial Break (Monica pushes him off of the sofa as Rachel enters with a Monica: (to Phoebe) Would you stop?
[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is making shopping bag.) Phoebe: Oh, was I doing it again?
coffee for Joey and Chandler.] Rachel: Guess what? All: Yes!
Rachel: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never Ross: You got a job? Monica: I said that you had a nice butt, it's just not a
made coffee before in my entire life. Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was great butt.
Chandler: That is amazing. laughed out of twelve interviews today. Joey: Oh, you wouldn't know a great butt if it came up
Joey: Congratulations. Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat. and bit ya.
Rachel: Y'know, I figure if I can make coffee, Rachel: You would be too if you found John and David Ross: There's an image.
there isn't anything I can't do. boots on sale, fifty percent off! Rachel: (walks up with a pot of coffee) Would
Chandler: If can invade Poland, there isn't Chandler: Oh, how well you know me... anybody like more coffee?
anything I can't do. Rachel: They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't need Chandler: Did you make it, or are you just serving it?
Joey: Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel like my parents, I've got great boots' boots! Rachel: I'm just serving it.
you gotta make like a Western omelet or Monica: How'd you pay for them? All: Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee.
something... (Joey and Chandler taste the coffee, Rachel: Uh, credit card. Chandler: Kids, new dream... I'm in Las Vegas.
grimace, and pour it into a plant pot.) Although Monica: And who pays for that? (Rachel sits down to hear Chandler's dream.)
actually I'm really not that hungry... Rachel: Um... my... father. Customer: (To Rachel) Ahh, miss? More coffee?
Monica: (entering, to herself) Oh good, Lenny [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is sitting around Rachel: Ugh. (To another customer that's leaving.)
and Squigy are here. the kitchen table. Rachel's credit cards are spread out on Excuse me, could you give this to that guy over there?
All: Morning. Good morning. the table along with a pair of scissors.] (Hands him the coffee pot.) Go ahead. (He does so.)
Paul: (entering from Monica's room) Morning. Rachel: Oh God, come on you guys, is this really Thank you. (To the gang.) Sorry. Okay, Las Vegas.
Joey: Morning, Paul. necessary? I mean, I can stop charging anytime I want. Chandler: Okay, so, I'm in Las Vegas... I'm Liza
Rachel: Hello, Paul. Monica: C'mon, you can't live off your parents your whole Minelli-
Chandler: Hi, Paul, is it? life. End
(Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low Rachel: I know that. That's why I was getting married.
voice so the others can't hear. The others move Phoebe: Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for 102 The One With the Sonogram at the End
Monica's table closer to the door so that they can.) the first time. [Scene Central Perk, everyone's there.]
Paul: Thank you! Thank you so much! Rachel: Thank you. Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us,
Monica: Stop! Phoebe: You're welcome. I remember when I first came kissing is as important as any part of it.
Paul: No, I'm telling you last night was like umm, to this city. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself Joey: Yeah, right!.......Y'serious?
all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn and my step-dad was back in prison, and I got here, and I Phoebe: Oh, yeah!
raising scene in Witness. didn't know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first
Monica: We'll talk later. guy who was, like, cleaning windshields outside port kiss.
Paul: Yeah. (They kiss) Thank you. (Exits) authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found Monica: Absolutely.
Joey: That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel. Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much
you do on a real date? (Pause) like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the
Monica: Shut up, and put my table back. Ross: The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'... stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink
All: Okayyy! (They do so.) Monica: All right, you ready? Floyd comes out.
Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I Rachel: No. No, no, I'm not ready! How can I be Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the
don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make ready? "Hey, Rach! You ready to jump out the airplane comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the
much of a difference... without your parachute?" Come on, I can't do this! ticket.
Rachel: So, like, you guys all have jobs? Monica: You can, I know you can! Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's
Monica: Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how Rachel: I don't think so. over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are
we buy stuff. Ross: Come on, you made coffee! You can do anything! always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I
Joey: Yeah, I'm an actor. (Chandler slowly tries to hide the now dead plant from that mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically
Rachel: Wow! Would I have seen you in morning when he and Joey poured their coffee into it.) just trying to stay awake.
anything? Ross: C'mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut,... Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the
Joey: I doubt it. Mostly regional work. All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... (She cuts one of them comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find
Monica: Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to and they cheer.) yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio, at the Rachel: Y'know what? I think we can just leave it at Joey: (pause)....Are we still talking about sex?
little theater in the park. that. It's kinda like a symbolic gesture... Opening Credits
Joey: Look, it was a job all right? Monica: Rachel! That was a library card! [Scene: Museum of Prehistoric History, Ross and a
Chandler: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.' All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.. co-worker (Marsha) are setting up an exhibit which
Joey: I will not take this abuse. (Walks to the door Chandler: (as Rachel is cutting up her cards) Y'know, if includes some mannequins of cave people.]
and opens it to leave.) you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers Ross: No, it's good, it is good, it's just that- mm-
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无忧雅思网 雅思、留学、移民第一站 Season 1
doesn't she seem a little angry? Chandler: Boys? We're going in. high-powered, driven career type.
Marsha: Well, she has issues. (Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe start to pick through the Chandler: What does she do?
Ross: Does she. lasagne as there's a knock on the door which Monica Phoebe: She's a waitress.
Marsha: He's out banging other women over the answers.) Rachel: All right, you guys, I kinda gotta clean up now.
head with a club, while she sits at home trying to Ross: (standing outside the door).....Hi. (They all start to leave.)
get the mastodon smell out of the carpet! Monica: Wow. That is not a happy hi. Monica: Chandler, you're an only child, right? You
Ross: Marsha, these are cave people. Okay? They Ross: Carol's pregnant. don't have any of this.
have issues like 'Gee, that glacier's getting kinda Phoebe: (while everyone else is stunned) Ooh! I found it! Chandler: Well, no, although I did have an imaginary
close.' See? Monica: W-w-wh-... wha-... w-w-w-... friend, who... my parents actually preferred.
Marsha: Speaking of issues, isn't that your Ross: Yeah. Do that for another two hours, you might be Rachel: The lights, please..
ex-wife? where I am right about now. (He enters.) (Joey turns off the lights, and they all leave as Rachel
(Carol, Ross's ex-wife, has entered behind them Chandler: Kinda puts that whole pillow thing in starts to clean up. Ross enters from the bathroom.)
and is standing outstide the exhibit.) perspective, huh, Mon? Ross: ...How long was I in there?
Ross: (trying to ignore her) No. No. Rachel: Well now, how-how do you fit into this whole Rachel: I'm just cleaning up.
Marsha: Yes, it is. Carol! Hi! thing? Ross: D'ya.. uh.. d'ya need any help?
Ross: Okay, okay, yes, it is. (waves) How about Ross: Well, Carol says she and Susan want me to be Rachel: Uh.. okay, sure! Thanks! (She hands him the
I'll, uh, catch up with you in the Ice Age. involved, but if I'm not comfortable with it, I don't have to broom and sits down.)
(Marsha extis and Ross waves Carol into the be involved.. basically it's entirely up to me. Ross: Anyway.. um.. (Starts to sweep.) So, you- uh-
exhibit.) Phoebe: She is so great! I miss her. you nervous about Barry tomorrow?
Ross:Hi. Monica: What does she mean by 'involved'? Rachel: Oh.. a little..
Carol: So. Chandler: I mean presumably, the biggest part of your Ross: Mm-hmm..
Ross: You look great. I, uh... I hate that. job is done. Rachel: A lot.
Carol: Sorry. You look good too. Ross: Anyway, they want me to go down to this- Ross: Mm.
Ross: Ah, well, in here, anyone who... stands sonogram thing with them tomorrow. Rachel: So, got any advice? Y'know, as someone
erect... So what's new? Still, uh... Rachel: So what are you gonna do? who's recently been- dumped?
Carol: A lesbian? Ross: I have no idea. No matter what I do, though, I'm still Ross: Well, you may wanna steer clear of the word
Ross: Well... you never know. How's, um.. how's gonna be a father. 'dumped'. Chances are he's gonna be this, this broken
the family? (Joey starts to eat the rest of the lasagne and everyone shell of a man, y'know, so you should try not to look
Carol: Marty's still totally paranoid. Oh, and, uh- turns and stares at him.) too terrific, I know it'll be hard. Or, y'know, uh, hey!,
Ross: Why- why are you here, Carol? Joey: .....Well, this is still ruined, right? I'll go down there, and I'll give Barry back his ring, and
Carol: I'm pregnant. [Scene, Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are pouring you can go with Carol and Susan to the OB/GYN...
Ross: Pregnant?! wine for their parents.] Rachel: Oh, you've got Carol tomorrow.. When did it
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Joey, Mrs. Geller: Oh, Martha Ludwin's daughter is gonna call get so complicated?
Phoebe, and Monica are watching Three's you. (Tastes a snack) Mmm! What's that curry taste? Ross: Got me.
Company.] Monica: Curry. Rachel: Remember when we were in high school
Chandler: Oh, I think this is the episode of Mrs. Geller: Mmmm! together?
Three's Company where there's some kind of Ross: I- I think they're great! I, I really do. Ross: Yeah.
misunderstanding. Mr. Geller: (To Ross) Do you remember the Ludwins? The Rachel: I mean, didn't you think you were just gonna
Phoebe:...Then I've already seen this one! (Turns big one had a thing for you, didn't she? meet somone, fall in love- and that'd be it? (Ross gazes
off the TV.) Mrs. Geller: They all had a thing for him. at her.) ..Ross?
Monica: (taking a drink from Joey) Are you Ross: Aw, Mom... Ross: Yes, yes!
through with that? Monica: I'm sorry, why is this girl going to call me? Rachel: Oh! Man, I never thought I'd be here.. (She
Joey: Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me Mrs. Geller: Oh, she just graduated, and she wants to be leans back onto his hand.)
down. something in cooking, or food, or.... I don't know. Anyway, Ross: Me either... (He pulls up a stool so that he
Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this?! I told her you had a restaurant- doesn't have to move his hand.)
Chandler: Oh, uh, that would be mine. See, I Monica: No Mom, I don't have a restaurant, I work in a [Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, Carol is waiting.]
wrote a note to myself, and then I realised I didn't restaurant. Ross: (entering) Sorry I'm late, I was stuck at work.
need it, so I balled it up and... (sees that Monica is Mrs. Geller: Well, they don't have to know that... (She There was this big dinosaur.. thing.. anyway.
glaring at him) ...now I wish I was dead. starts to fluff the same pillow Monica fluffed multiple times (Susan enters holding a drink.)
(Monica starts to fluff a pillow.) earlier.) Susan: Hi.
Phoebe: She's already fluffed that pillow... Monica: Ross, could you come and help me with the Carol: Ross, you remember Susan.
Monica, you know, you've already fluffed that- spaghetti, please? Ross: How could I forget?
(Monica glares at her.) -but, it's fine! Ross: Yeah. (They go to the kitchen.) Susan: Ross.
Monica: Look , I'm sorry, guys, I just don't wanna Mrs. Geller: Oh, we're having spaghetti! That's.... easy. Ross: (they shake hands) Hello, Susan. (To Carol)
give them any more ammunition than they already Monica: I know this is going to sound unbelievably selfish, Good shake. Good shake. So, uh, we're just waiting
have. but, were you planning on bringing up the whole for...?
Chandler: Yes, and we all know how cruel a baby/lesbian thing? Because I think it might take some of Carol: Dr. Oberman.
parent can be about the flatness of a child's pillow. the heat off me. Ross: ..Dr. Oberman. Okay. And is he-
Phoebe: Monica- Hi! Um, Monica, you're scaring [Time Lapse, everyone is now eating.] Susan: She.
me. I mean, you're like, you're like all chaotic and Mrs. Geller: What that Rachel did to her life.... We ran Ross: -she, of course, she- uh- familiar with our..
twirly. And not-not in a good way. into her parents at the club, they were not playing very special situation?
Joey: Yeah, calm down. You don't see Ross well. Carol: Yes, and she's very supportive.
getting all chaotic and twirly every time they come. Mr. Geller: I'm not gonna tell you what they spent on that Ross: Okay, that's great. (Susan gives her drink to
Monica: That's because as far as my parents are wedding... but forty thousand dollars is a lot of money! Carol.) No, I'm- Oh.
concerned, Ross can do no wrong. Y'see, he's the Mrs. Geller: Well, at least she had the chance to leave a Carol: Thanks.
Prince. Apparently they had some big ceremony man at the altar... Ross: (picks up a surgical instrament and mimes a
before I was born. Monica: What's that supposed to mean? duck with it) Quack, quack..
Chandler: (looking out the window) Ew, ew, ew, Mrs. Geller: Nothing! It's an expression. Carol: Ross? That opens my cervix. (He drops it in
ew ew ew ew ew! Monica: No it's not. horror.)
Monica: What? Mr. Geller: Don't listen to your mother. You're [Scene Barry's office, Barry is working on patient,
Chandler: Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster! independent, and you always have been! Even when you Robbie, as Rachel enters.]
All: Eeaagh! were a kid... and you were chubby, and you had no friends, Rachel: Barry?
(Rachel enters from her room.) you were just fine! And you would read alone in your room, Barry: C'mon in.
Rachel: Has anybody seen my engagement ring? and your puzzles... Rachel: (hesitates) Are you sure?
Phoebe: Yeah, it's beautiful. [Time Lapse.] Barry: Yeah! It's fine, it's fine. Robbie's gonna be here
Rachel: Oh God, oh God, oh God oh God oh God Mr. Geller: Look, there are people like Ross who need to for hours.
oh God.... (Starts to look under the couch shoot for the stars, with his museum, and his papers Robbie: Huh?!
cushions.) getting published. Other people are satisfied with staying Barry: So, how ya doin?
Phoebe: No, look, don't touch that! where they are- I'm telling you, these are the people who Rachel: I'm- uh- I'm okay... You look great!
Rachel: Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow never get cancer. Barry: Yeah, well..
enough, having to give it back to him... 'Hi Barry! [Time Lapse.] Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, Jason
Remember me? I'm the girl in the veil who Mr. Geller: ...And I read about these women trying to Greenstein's gagging.
stomped on your heart in front of your entire have it all, and I thank God 'Our Little Harmonica' doesn't Barry: (answering the intercom) Be right there. (To
family!' Oh God and now I'm gonna have to return seem to have that problem. Robbie and Rachel) Be back in a sec.
the ring, without the ring, which makes it so much Monica: (trying desperately to change the subject) So, (As Barry exits Robbie stares at Rachel.)
harder... Ross, what's going on with you? Any stories? (Digs her Rachel: I dumped him.
Monica: Easy Rach, we'll find it. (To all) Won't elbow into his hand.) No news, no little anecdotes to share Robbie: Okay.
we! with the folks? [Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, they're talking about how this
Chandler and Joey: Oh! Yeah! Ross: (pulls his hand away) Okay! Okay. (To his parents) is going to work.]
Joey: Alright, when'd'ya have it on last? Look, I, uh- I realise you guys have been wondering what Ross: So, um- so how's this, uh, how's this gonna
Phoebe: Doy! Probably right before she lost it! exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, work? Y'know, with us? Y'know, when, like, important
Chandler: You don't get a lot of 'doy' these here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman decisions have to be made?
days... named Susan. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Carol: Give me a 'for instance'.
Rachel: I know I had it this morning, and I know I Susan are going to raise the baby. Ross: Well, uh, uh, I don't know, okay, okay, how
had it when I was in the kitchen with... (Stunned silence ensues.) about with the, uh, with the baby's name?
Chandler: ...Dinah? Mrs. Geller: (To Monica) And you knew about this?! Carol: Marlon-
Rachel: (looks at the lasagne and realizes Commercial Break Ross: Marlon?!
something) Ohhhhh, don't be mad... [Scene: Central Park, everyone's there.] Carol: -if it's a boy, Minnie if it's a girl.
Monica: You didn't. Joey: Your folks are really that bad, huh? Ross: ...As in Mouse?
Rachel: Oh, I am sorry... Ross: Well, y'know, these people are pros. They know Carol: As in my grandmother.
Monica: I gave you one job! (Starts to examin the what they're doing, they take their time, they get the job Ross: Still, you- you say Minnie, you hear Mouse. Um,
lasagne through the bottom of the glass pan.) done. how about, um.. how about Julia?
Rachel: Oh, but look how straight those noodles Monica: Boy, I know they say you can't change your Carol: Julia..
are! parents,... boy, if you could- (To Ross) -I'd want yours. Susan: We agreed on Minnie.
Chandler: Now, Monica, you know that's not how Ross: Must pee. (Goes to pee.) Ross: 'S'funny, um, uh, we agreed we'd spend the rest
you look for an engagement ring in a lasagne... Phoebe: Y'know, it's even worse when you're twins. of our lives together. Things change, roll with the
Monica: (puts down the lasagne) I just... can't do Rachel: You're twins? punches. I believe Julia's on the table..?
it. Phoebe: Yeah. We don't speak. She's like this [Scene: Barry's office, Rachel is doing her makeup in
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the mirror on Barry's lamp as Barry enters.] Rachel: (on phone) Hi, Mindy. Hi, it-it's Rachel. Yeah, I'm deal with them.
Barry: Sorry about that. So. What have you been fine. I-I saw Barry today. Oh, yeah, yeah he-he told me. No, Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it!
up to? no, it's okay. I hope you two are very happy, I really do. Oh, Phoebe: It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it
Rachel: Oh, not much. I-I got a job. oh, and Mind, y'know, if-if everything works out, and you would be like stealing.
Barry: Oh, that's great. guys end up getting married and having kids- and Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like
Rachel: Why are- why are you so tanned? everything- I just hope they have his old hairline and your shopping!
Barry: Oh, I, uh- I went to Aruba. old nose. (Slams the phone down.) (To everyone) Okay, I Phoebe: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great
Rachel: Oh no. You went on our honeymoon know it was a cheap shot, but I feel so much better now. pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every
alone? End step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even
Barry: No. I went with, uh.. Now, this may hurt. if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine,
Robbie: Me?! 103 The One With the Thumb not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'...
Barry: No! (To Rachel) I went with Mindy. [Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.] Monica: We're with you. We got it.
Rachel: Mindy?! My maid of honour, Mindy?! Phoebe: (entering) Hi guys! (Chandler leans over the back of the couch out of
Barry: Yeah, well, uh, we're kind of a thing now. All: Hey, Pheebs! Hi! sight.)
Rachel: Oh! Well, um.. (Grabs his forehand) Ross: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go? Phoebe: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it.
You've got plugs! Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway It would be like this giant karmic debt.
Barry: Careful! They haven't quite taken yet. and said 'We should do this again!' Rachel: Chandler, what are you doing?
Rachel: And you've got lenses! But you hate All: Ohh. Ouch. Monica: (puling him up) Hey. Whaddya doing?
sticking your finger in your eye! Rachel: What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, (Chandler tries to shrug nonchalantly but eventually he
Barry: Not for her. Listen, I really wanted to thank right? has to exhale a mouthful of smoke.)
you. Monica: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this All: Oh! Oh, God!
Rachel: Okay.. again' means 'You will never see me naked'. Ross: What is this?!
Barry: See, about a month ago, I wanted to hurt Rachel: Since when? Chandler: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking.
you. More than I've ever wanted to hurt anyone in Joey: Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good,
my life. And I'm an orthodontist. 'It's not you' means 'It is you'. for three years!
Rachel: Wow. Chandler: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna Chandler: And this- is my reward!
Barry: You know, you were right? I mean, I be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining Ross: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what
thought we were happy. We weren't happy. But about them to you'. you went through the last time you quit.
with Mindy, now I'm happy. Spit. Phoebe: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit!
Rachel: What? people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'. All: Ohhh! Put it out!
Robbie: Me. (Spits.) Rachel: And everybody knows this? Chandler: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it
Rachel: Anyway, um, (Gets the ring out of her Joey: Yeah. Cushions the blow. out. (He drops it in Phoebe's coffee.)
purse.) I guess this belongs to you. And thank you Chandler: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your Phoebe: Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now!
for giving it to me. parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off Monica: Alright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date.
Barry: Well, thank you for giving it back. to live on some farm. Rachel: This Alan again? How's it goin'?
(Barry and Rachel look at each other.) Ross: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents Monica: 'S'going pretty good, y'know? It's nice, and,
Robbie: Hello?! actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm. we're having fun.
[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, they're still arguing about Monica: Uh, Ross. Joey: So when do we get to meet the guy?
what to name the baby.] Ross: What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? Monica: Let's see, today's Monday... Never.
Susan: Oh, please! What's wrong with Helen? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had All: Oh, come on! Come on!
Ross: Helen Geller? I don't think so. horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it Monica: No. Not after what happened with Steve.
Carol: Hello? It's not gonna be Helen Geller. w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi! Chandler: What are you talking about? We love
Ross: Thank you! Opening Credits Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry.
Carol: No, I mean it's not Geller. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is helping Joey Monica: Look, I don't even know how I feel about him
Ross: What, it's gonna be Helen Willick? rehearse for a part.] yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out.
Carol: No, actually, um, we talked about Helen Chandler: "So how does it feel knowing you're about to Rachel: Well, then can we meet him?
Willick-Bunch. die?" Monica: Nope. Schhorry.
Ross: Well, wait a minute, wha- why is she in the Joey: "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But [Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are at work.]
title? you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an Monica: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I
Susan: It's my baby too. honest man to die." mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes
Ross: Oh, 's'funny, really? Um, I don't remember Chandler: Hey, that was really good! they're all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes,
you making any sperm. Joey: Thanks! Let's keep going. picking off the weak members of the herd.
Susan: Yeah, and we all know what a challenge Chandler: Okay. "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, Paula: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her
that is! huh?" fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a
Carol: All right, you two, stop it! Joey: "I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I terrible thing. I mean, they're your friends, they're just
Ross: No no no, she gets a credit, hey, I'm in can smoke." looking out after you.
there too. Chandler: "Smoke away." Monica: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy
Carol: Ross. You're not actually suggesting Helen (Joey takes out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He home that they actually liked.
Willick-Bunch-Geller? 'Cause I think that borders fumbles and drops the lighter. Then he lights a cigarett, Paula: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening
on child abuse. takes a drag, and coughs.) are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy..
Ross: Of course not, I'm... suggesting Chandler: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is smoking out
Geller-Willick-Bunch. his cell alone. on the balcony, Phoebe is absent.]
Susan: Oh, no, nonononono, you see what he's Joey: What? Joey: Let it go, Ross.
doing? He knows no-one's gonna say all those Chandler: Relax your hand! Ross: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi.
names, so they'll wind up calling her Geller, then (Joey lets his wrist go limp.) Monica: Do you all promise?
he gets his way! Chandler: Not so much! All: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good!
Ross: My way?! You-you think this is my way? Joey: Whoah! Monica: (shouts to Chandler) Chandler? Do you
Believe me, of all the ways I ever imagined this Chandler: Hey! promise to be good?
moment in my life being, this is not my way- Joey: Hey! (Chandler makes a 'Cross my heart' sign. It starts to
y'know what? Uh, um, this is too hard. I'm not, I Chandler: Alright, now try taking a puff. rain and he taps on the window.)
can't do- (Joey tries and visibly winces.) Joey: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little
Dr. Oberman: (entering) Knock knock!How are Chandler: Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me. buddy has to stay outside!
we today? Any nausea? Joey: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette. (Chandler sulkilty picks up a garbage can lid and uses it
All: Yeah. Yeah. A little. Chandler: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this as an umbrella.)
Dr. Oberman: Well, I was just wondering about part, or not? Here. (Phoebe enters, walks to the couch, sits down, and
the mother-to-be, but.. thanks for sharing. (To (Joey reluctantly gives him the cigarette.) begins to read a letter without saying hi.)
Carol) Uh, lie back.. Chandler: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the Ross: Hey, Pheebs.
Ross: You- uh- y'know what, I'm gonna go. I thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're Phoebe: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling
don't- I don't think I can be involved in this holding it, you feel right. You feel complete. attention to our error. We have credited your account
particular thing right now. Joey: Y'miss it? with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the
(He turns to go, but the sound of the sonogram Chandler: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- (Searches
catches hes ear. He returns and stares at it.) (Takes a puff.) Oh.. my.. God. (He continues to smoke.) in her purse) -football phone as our free gift.' Do you
Ross: Oh my God. [Scene, Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe and Rachel believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a
Susan: Look at that. is there.] football phone!
Carol: I know. Monica: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance Rachel: What bank is this?
Closing Credits from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger. (The intercom buzzes.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, everyone (The guys stretch out their fingers.) Monica: Hey. It's him. (On the intercom) Who is it?
is watching the tape of the sonogram. Rachel is Joey: That's ridiculous! Alan: (on the intercom) It's Alan.
on the phone.] Ross: Can I use.. either thumb? Joey: (shouting to Chandler) Chandler! He's here!
Ross: Well? Isn't that amazing? Rachel: (carrying a tray of drinks) Alright, don't tell me, (Chandler comes in, dripping wet.)
Joey: What are we supposed to be seeing here? don't tell me! (Starts handing them out.) Decaf cappucino Monica: (to all) Okay, please be good, please. Just
Chandler: I dunno, but.. I think it's about to for Joey.. Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced tea. I'm getting remember how much you all like me.
attack the Enterprise. pretty good at this! (She opens the door and Alan enters.)
Phoebe: You know, if you tilt your head to the left, All: Yeah. Yeah, excellent. Monica: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is
and relax your eyes, it kinda looks like an old Rachel: (leaving to serve others) Good for me! Alan.
potato. (The gang swaps all the drinks for what they ordered as Alan: Hi.
Ross: Then don't do that, alright? Phoebe enters. She sits down without saying hi.) All: Hi, Alan.
Phoebe: Okay! Joey: Y'okay, Phoebe? Alan: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh!
Ross: (walks over to where Monica is Phoebe: Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my (Everyone laughs.)
standing)Monica. Whaddya think? bank. [Time lapse, Alan is leaving.]
Monica: (welling up) Mm-hmm. Monica: What did they do to you? Monica: (to Alan) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. (Alan
Ross: Wh- are you welling up? Phoebe: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my exits, to all) Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing
Monica: No. mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT- begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm?
Ross: You are, you're welling up. Ross: Easy. (Silence.)
Monica: Am not! Phoebe: - and there's five hundred extra dollars in my Monica: C'mon!
Ross: You're gonna be an aunt. account. Ross: ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking
Monica: (pushes him and starts to cry) Oh shut Chandler: Oh, Satan's minions at work again... at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved
up! Phoebe: Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and him.
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All: Loved him! Yeah! He's great! Phoebe: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, Phoebe: Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'm
Monica: Wait a minute! We're talking about just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker! not.
someone that I'm going out with? Chandler: Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect Monica: Alright, we have to talk.
All: Yeah! all five? Phoebe: There it is!
Rachel: And did you notice...? (She spreads her Phoebe: Does, um, anyone wanna see? Monica: Okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's something
thumb and index finger.) All: Nooo! that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy
The Guys: (reluctantly) Yeah. (Chandler lights a cigarette.) way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with
Joey: Know what was great? The way his smile All: Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out! Alan.
was kinda crooked. Rachel: It's worse than the thumb! (They all gasp and clutch each other.)
Phoebe: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe! Chandler: Hey, this is so unfair! Ross: Is there somebody else?
Ross: ...What shoe? Monica: Oh, why is it unfair? Monica: No, nononono.. it's just.. things change.
Phoebe: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a Chandler: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant People change.
crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his Rachel: We didn't change..
in a shoe, For a... while...' over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that Joey: So that's it? It's over? Just like that?
(Dubious pause.) snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that Phoebe: You know.. you let your guard down, you
Ross: ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me start to really care about someone, and I just- I- (starts
against which all future boyfriends will be for this? chewing her hair)
measured. (An awkward silence ensues.) Monica: Look, I- I could go on pretending-
Rachel: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I Joey: ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody? Joey: Okay!
think this could be, y'know, it. Rachel: Well, I-I could live without it. Monica: -but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't
Monica: Really! Joey: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when be fair to Alan- It wouldn't be fair to you!
Chandler: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his Phoebe chews her hair? Ross: Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want things
David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm (Phoebe spits out her hair.) back. Y'know, the way they were.
gonna be doing that at parties, right? (Does the Ross: Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, I think it's Monica: I'm sorry..
impression) endearing. Chandler: (sarcastic) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!
Ross: You know what I like most about him, Joey: Oh, (Imitating Ross) "you do, do you"? Rachel: (tearful) I just can't believe this! I mean, with
though? (Monica laughs and snorts.) the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my
All: What? Ross: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking family-
Ross: The way he makes me feel about myself. correctly. Monica: I'll meet somone else. There'll be other Alans.
All: Yeah... Rachel: "Indeed there isn't"... I should really get back to All: Oh, yeah! Right!
Commercial Break work. Monica: Are you guys gonna be okay?
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is alone as Ross, Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what Ross: Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a
Rachel, Chandler, and Joey enter dejectedly in they actually ordered. little time.
softball gear.] Rachel: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the Monica: (dubious) I understand.
Monica: Hi.. how was the game? gloves come on. [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica is breaking the news to
Ross: Well.. (They degenerate into bickering and Chandler happily Alan.]
All: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes! starts to smoke, undisturbed.) Alan: Wow.
Monica: Fantastic! I have one question: How is [Scene: Iridium, Monica and Paula are working.] Monica: I'm, I'm really sorry.
that possible? Monica: Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all Alan: Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a
Joey: Alan. really like? little relieved.
Ross: He was unbelievable. He was like Paula: No. Monica: Relieved?
that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is Monica: Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends Alan: Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I just
playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs all really like. can't stand your friends.
it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third Paula: Waitwait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All Closing Credits
base-... right, a cow got through! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is mopping
Rachel: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made Monica: Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I just don't around and eating ice cream.]
us into a team. feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the Rachel: Remember when we went to Central Park and
Chandler: Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic thing. rented boats?.. That was fun.
jewellers a thing or two about softball.. Paula: Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if Ross: Yeah. He could row like a viking.
Monica: Can I ask you guys a question? D'you that's how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him! Monica: (entering) Hi.
ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes.. Monica: I know.. it's gonna be really hard. All: Mmm.
Ross: What? Paula: Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it. Ross: So how'd it go?
Monica: ..I dunno, a little too Alan? Monica: No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried Monica: Oh, y'know..
Rachel: Well, no. That's impossible. You can about. Phoebe: Did he mention us?
never be too Alan. [Scene: Cental Perk, Joey and Ross are persecuting Monica: He said he's really gonna miss you guys.
Ross: Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness Chandler about his smoking.] (dubious look)
that-that-that we adore. Joey: Do you have any respect for your body? Ross: You had a rough day, huh.. c'mere. (She sits
Chandler: I personally could have a gallon of Ross: Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to down and Ross strokes her forehead.)
Alan. yourself? Chandler: ...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes.
[Scene: A street, Phoebe walks up to a homeless Chandler: Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and All: No no no!
person (Lizzie) she knows.] your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. Chandler: (leaving) I don't care, I don't care! Game's
Phoebe: Hey, Lizzie. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it. over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the
Lizzie: Hey, Weird Girl. Rachel: (holding the phone out to Chandler) Chandler? smoke!
Phoebe: I brought you alphabet soup. It's Alan, he wants to speak to you. Phoebe: (shouting as he leaves) If you never smoke
Lizzie: Did you pick out the vowels? Chandler: Really? He does? (taking the phone) Hey, again I'll give you seven thousand dollars!
Phoebe: Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know, buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, Chandler: (returns) Yeah, alright.
"sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's End
you. (She searches in her purse.) not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one-
Lizzie: Saltines? no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! 104 The One With George Stephanopoulos
Phoebe: No, but would you like a thousand (He hands the phone back and stubs out his cigarette.) [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except Joey.]
dollars and a football phone? Rachel: (to Ross, who has wandered up) God, he's good. Monica: Alright. Phoebe?
Lizzie: What? (She opens the envelope Phoebe Ross: If only he were a woman. Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I
has given her.) Oh my God, there's really money in Rachel: Yeah. would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good
here. (They give each other a dubious look.) things for the rain-forest...And bigger boobs!
Phoebe: I know. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyond except Monica and Ross: Yeah, see.. you took mine. Chandler, what
Lizzie: Weird Girl, what are you doing? Joey is watching Lambchop.] about you?
Phoebe: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it. Chandler: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had Chandler: Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I'd..
Lizzie: No, no, I ha-I have to give you something. a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too. make myself omnipotent forever.
Phoebe: Oh, that's fine, no. Ross: Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's Rachel: See, there's always one guy. (Mocking) "If I
Lizzie: Would you like my tin-foil hat? nicotine patch. (Does so.) had a wish, I'd wish for three more wishes." (Joey
Phoebe: No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, Monica: (entering) Hey. Where's Joey? enters.)
thanks. Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. All: Hey Joey. Hi. Hey, buddy.
Lizzie: Please, let me do something. Do you think that was wrong? Monica: Hey, Joey, what would you do if you were
Phoebe: Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and Rachel: I think he's across the hall. omnipotent?
then we're even. Okay? Monica: Thanks. (Goes to fetch him.) Joey: Probably kill myself!
Lizzie: Okay. Ross: (finishing changing Chandler's nicotine patch) There Monica: ..Excuse me?
Phoebe: Okay. y'go. Joey: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, then I got no reason to
[Scene: Chandler's office, Chandler looks around, Chandler: (deadpan) Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now. live!
opens his desk drawer, takes a puff of a cigarette, Ross: Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Ross: Joey, uh- OMnipotent.
sprays around some air freshener, and takes some Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs? Joey: You are? Ross, I'm sorry..
breath spray. He types for a little while, opens Phoebe: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart? Opening Credits
the drawer again, and takes another drag of the Ross: Hey, I might! [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Monica are watching
cigarette. While not paying attention, he sprays Phoebe: Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave Phoebe sleep.]
the breath spray around the room, takes a squirt me seven thousand dollars for the thumb. Monica: How does she do that?
of air freshener and gags.] All: You're kidding. Oh my God. Ross: I cannot sleep in a public place.
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe and Lizzie are at a hot Phoebe: And on my way over here, I stepped in Monica: Would you look at her? She is so peaceful.
dog vendor.] gum. ...What is up with the universe?! Phoebe: (waking and startling them) Oh! What what
Lizzie: Keep the change. (To Phoebe) Sure you Joey: (dragged in by Monica, he has just gotten out of the what! ...Hi.
don't wanna pretzel? shower) What's going on? Ross: It's okay, y'know, you just nodded off again.
Phoebe: No, I'm fine. Monica: Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here Monica: What's going on with you?
Lizzie: (leaves) See ya. together. Phoebe: I got no sleep last night!
(Phoebe opens the can and reacts.) Joey: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their Ross: Why?
Phoebe: Huh! underwear.. Phoebe: My grandmother has this new boyfriend, and
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is telling everyone Rachel: Uh, Joey.. they're both kind of insecure in bed. Oh, and deaf. So
about her discovery.] Joey: Oh, God! (Hurriedly closes his legs.) they're constantly, like, having to reassure each other
Ross: A thumb?! Monica: (turns off the TV) Okay.. that they're having a good time. You have no idea how
(Phoebe nods.) All: Oh! That was Lambchop! loud they are!
All: Eww! Monica: Please, guys, we have to talk. Monica: Well, if you want, you can stay with Rachel
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and me tonight. Ross: Peach pit. Rachel: Okay, see, see, you guys, what if we don't get
Phoebe: Thanks. Chandler: Yes, Bunny? magic beans? I mean, what if all we've got are..
(Chandler and Joey enter. Joey is counting his Ross: (points) Peach pit. That night we, uh- we had- beans?
steps.) Joey: -Peaches? [Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are
Joey: ...Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, Ross: Actually, nectarines, but basically... watching the game.]
I told you! Less than a hundred steps from our Chandler: (to Joey) Could've been a peach. Ross: Get him! GET HIM! Get him! Get- YESSS! Not
place to here. Ross: Then, uh, then we got dressed, and I-I... I walked laughing now, are ya pal!
Chandler: You got waaaay too much free time. her to the- (looks up, realises, and points) -the bus stop... Chandler: (to Ross) See buddy, that's all you need, a
Joey: (to Ross) Hey! Here's the birthday boy! Ross, I'm fine. bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks.
check it out: hockey tickets, Rangers-Penguins, Joey: Hey, that woman's got an ass like Carol's! (They turn Ross: Pass it! Pass it!
tonight at the Garden, and we're taking you. to stare at him.) What? Thought we were trying to find Chandler: He's open!
Chandler: Happy birthday, pal! stuff. All: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!
Joey: We love you, man. (Kisses Ross) [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Lesile, Kiki, and Joanne are (The player shoots and the puck flies off the rink and
Ross: Funny, my birthday was seven months ago. talking.] hits Ross in the face. Chandler looks concered until he
Joey: So? Rachel: So c'mon, you guys, tell me all the dirt! notices...)
Ross: So, I'm guessing you had an extra ticket Kiki: Well, the biggest news is still you dumping Barry at Chandler: Hey, look, we're on that TV thing!
and couldn't decide which one of you got to bring a the altar! (Chandler and Joey hold the puck and wave at the TV
date? Joanne: Alright. Let's talk reality for a second. thing.)
Chandler: Well, aren't we Mr. "The glass is half Rachel: Okay. Commercial Break
empty." Joanne: When are you coming home? [Scene: An Emergency Room, Chandler and Joey are
Ross: Oh my God, oh- is today the twentieth, Rachel: What? Guys, I'm not. leading Ross in.]
October twentieth? Joanne: C'mon, this is us. Chandler: (to the receptionist)'Scuse me.
Monica: Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't Rachel: I'm not! This is what I'm doing now. I've got this Receptionist: (holds up her hand—she is on the
remember. job- phone) It says to call this number if you're not
Ross: Ohhh. Kiki: Waitressing? completely satisfied with this candy bar. Well, I'm not
Joey: What's wrong with the twentieth? Rachel: Okay, I'm not just waitressing. I'm.. I, um... I completely satisfied.
Chandler: Eleven days before Halloween.. all the write the specials on the specials board, and, uh... and I, Chandler: Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I
good costumes are gone? uh... I take the uh dead flowers out of the vase... Oh, and, guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament
Ross: Today's the day Carol and I first.. um, sometimes Artelle lets me put the little chocolate room. (The receptionist glares at him.)
consummated our physical relationship. (Joey is blobbies on the cookies. Receptionist: (on phone) Hold on. (To Chandler) Fill
puzzled.) Sex. ..You know what, I-I'd better pass Leslie: Well. Your mom didn't tell us about the blobbies. these out, sit over there. (Tosses him some forms.)
on the game. I think I'm just gonna go home and [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are in Ross: (jumping to his feet) Look, I don't wanna make
think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover. pajamas and Monica is making something in the blender as any trouble, okay, but I'm in a lot of pain here, alright?
Joey: The hell with hockey, let's all do that! Rachel enters.] My face is dented.
Chandler: (trying to stop Ross leaving) C'mon, Monica: Hey, Rach. How was it with your friends? (She Receptionist: Well, you'll have to wait your turn.
Ross! You, me, Joey, ice, guys' night out, c'mon, and Phoebe scream.) Okay! How would you like some Tiki Joey: Well, how long do you think it'll be?
whaddya say, big guy, (Pretending to punch him in Death Punch? (She pours the contents of the blender into Receptionist: (sarcastic) Any minute now.
the stomach.) Huh? Huh? Huh? some glasses.) Ross: Hey, this- (she gives him a look and the guys
Ross: What are you doing? Rachel: What's that? back off) Heyy...
Chandler: (stops) I have no idea. Monica: Weeeell, it's rum, and- [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the slumber party
Joey: C'mon, Ross! Rachel: Okay. (Grabs the blender and starts to drink.) continues.]
Ross: Alright, alright, maybe it'll take my mind off Monica: We thought since Phoebe was staying over Rachel: I'm so sorry, you guys. I didn't mean to bring
it. Do you promise to buy me a big thumb finger? tonight we'd have kinda like a slumber party thing. We got you down.
Chandler: You got it. some trashy magazines, we got cookie dough, we got Monica: No, you were right. I don't have a plan.
(Rachel runs up cluching an envelope.) Twister... (The phone rings and Monica answers it.) (There's a knock on the door.)
Rachel: Look-look-look-look-look, my first pay Phoebe: Ooh! Ooh! And I brought Operation! But, um, I Pizza Guy: (yelling from outside) Pizza guy!
check! Look at the window, there's my name! Hi, lost the tweezers, so we can't operate. But we can prep the Rachel: Thank God. Food. (She goes to answer the
me! guy! door.)
Phoebe: I remember the day I got my first pay Monica: Uh, Rach, it's the Visa card people. Monica: Phoebe?
check. There was a cave in in one of the mines, Rachel: Oh, God, ask them what they want. Phoebe: What?
and eight people were killed. Monica: (on phone) Could you please tell me what this is Monica: Do you have a plan?
Monica: Wow, you worked in a mine? in reference to? (Listens) Yes, hold on. (To Rachel) Um, Phoebe: I don't even have a 'pl'.
Phoebe: I worked in a Dairy Queen, why? they say there's been some unusual activity on your Pizza Guy: Hi, one, uh, mushroom, green pepper and
Rachel: God, isn't this exciting? I earned this. I account. onion?
wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was Rachel: But I haven't used my card in weeks! Rachel: (miserably) No, no, that's not what we
totally—(opens envelope)—not worth it. Who's Monica: That is the unusual activity. Look, they just ordered... We ordered a fat-free crust with extra
FICA? Why's he getting all my money? I mean, wanna see if you're okay. cheese.
what- Chandler, look at that. Rachel: They wanna know if I'm okay. Okay.. they wanna Pizza Guy: Wait, you're not 'G.Stephanopoulos?' Man,
Chandler: (looking) Oh, this is not that bad. know if I'm okay, okay, let's see. Well, let's see, the FICA my dad's gonna kill me!
Joey: Oh, you're fine, yeah, for a first job. guys took all my money, everyone I know is either getting Monica: (leaping off of the couch and runs up) Wait!
Ross: You can totally, totally live on this. married, or getting promoted, or getting pregnant, and I'm Did you say 'G.Stephanopoulos?'
Monica: Yeah, yeah. getting coffee! And it's not even for me! So if that sounds Pizza Guy: Yeah. This one goes across the street, I
Ross: Oh, by the way, great service tonight. like I'm okay, okay, then you can tell them I'm okay, okay? must have given him yours. Oh, bonehead, bonehead!
All: Oh! Yeah! Monica: (pauses then on the phone) Uh- Rachel has left Monica: Wait, was this a-a small mediterranean guy
(They all get their wallets out and give generous the building, can you call back? with curiously intelligent good looks?
tips.) Rachel: Alright, c'mon! (Miserably) Let's play Twister! Pizza Guy: Yeah, that sounds about right.
Guys: Hockey! (They go to leave but are blocked [Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are trying to find Monica: Was he wearing a stunning blue suit?
by three of Rachel's friends, Leslie, Kiki, and their seats.] Phoebe: And-and a power tie?
Joanne. The guys pause to stare at them.) Ross: (squeezing past people) Sorry, sorry... Uh-oh. Pizza Guy: No, pretty much just a towel.
Hockey! Hockey. (The guys.) Chandler: What? There was ice there that night with Carol? Monica: (staggered) Oh God.
Leslie: (looking around) Rachel? Plastic seats? Four thousand angry Pittsburgh fans? Pizza Guy: So you guys want me to take this back?
Rachel: Oh my God! (Rachel, Leslie, Kiki, and Ross: No, actually I was just saying it looks like we're not Monica: Are you nuts?! We've got George
Joanne all scream and hug each other. sitting together. But now you mention it, there was ice Stephanopoulos' pizza! (Rachel pays him, Monica
Monica: (to Phoebe) I swear I've seen birds do there that night... It was the first frost... grabs some binoculars, and runs to the window.)
this on Wild Kingdom. Joey: C'mon, sit. Just sit down, sit. Rachel: Uh, Pheebs? Who's George Snuffalopagus?
Rachel: What are you guys doing here? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, they're all hanging out in the Phoebe: Big Bird's friend.
Kiki: Well, we were in the city shopping, and your living room.] Monica: I see pizza!
mom said you work here, aaand it's true! Monica: You should feel great about yourself! You're Phoebe: Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see!
Joanne: Look at you in the apron. You look like doing this amazing independence thing! (She runs up and takes the binoculars.)
you're in a play. Rachel: Monica, what is so amazing? I gave up, like, Rachel: Hello? Who are we spying on?
Rachel: (to a pregnant Leslie) Look at you, you everything. And for what? Monica: White House adviser? Clinton's campaign guy?
are so big I can't believe it! Phoebe: You are just like Jack. The one with the great hair, sexy smile, really cute
Leslie: I know. I know! I'm a duplex. Rachel: ...Jack from downstairs? butt?
Rachel: (to Joanne) So what's going on with you? Phoebe: No, Jack and the Beanstalk. Rachel: Oh, him, the little guy? Oh, I love him!
Joanne: Well, guess who my dad's making Monica: Ah, the other Jack. Phoebe: Ooh, wait.. wait, I see a woman.
partner in his firm? (She points to herself and they Phoebe: Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but then Monica: Please tell me it's his mother.
all scream again.) he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there Phoebe: Definitely not his mother.
Kiki: And while we're on the subject of news.. was this, this big plant outside his window, full of Monica: Oh, no...
(She holds up here finger to show off her possibilities and stuff.. And he lived in a village, and you Phoebe: Oh, wait, she's walking across the floor..
engagement ring and they all scream again.) live in the Village.. she's walking.. she's walking.. she's going for the
Phoebe: (to Monica) Look, look, I have elbows! Rachel: Okay, but Pheebs, Pheebs, Jack gave up a cow, I pizza- (Yelling) Hey, that's not for you, bitch! (Phoebe
(They scream.) gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I know, I know I didn't covers her mouth with her hand walks away from the
[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are kicking a love him- window.)
can to each other.] Phoebe: Oh, see, Jack did love the cow. [Scene: The Emergency Room, Joey is miming hockey
Chandler: ...Poulet passes it up to Leetch! Rachel: But see, it was a plan. Y'know, it was clear. It was pucks kitting foreheads. Chandler realises it's getting
(Passes it to Joey.) figured out, and now everything's just kinda like... tense and goes to the receptionist again.]
Joey: Leetch spots Messier in the crease- there's Phoebe: Floopy? Chandler: Excuse me, look, we've been here for over
the pass! (He kicks it to Ross, but Ross is staring Rachel: Yeah. an hour, and a lot of people less sick than my friend
into a shop window.) Monica: So what, you're not the only one. I mean, half the have gone in. I mean, that guy with the toe thing?
Chandler: We'll take a brief time out while time we don't know where we're going. You've just gotta Who's he sleeping with? (She slides the gladd panel
Messier stops to look at some women's shoes. figure at some point it's all gonna come together, and it's over and Chandler talks through it in a loud voice.) Oh,
Ross: Carol was wearing boots just like those the just gonna be... un-floopy. c'mon Dora, don't be mad... I know we both said some
night that we- we first- y'know. Fact, she, uh- she Phoebe: Oh, like that's a word. things we didn't mean, but that doesn't mean we still
never took'em off, 'cause we-we- (off Chandler's Rachel: Okay, but Monica, what if- what if it doesn't come don't love each other. (To the waiting room.) Y'know, I
look) Sorry. Sorry. together? feel like I've lost her.. (She slides the panel back, he
(They walk on. Chandler and Joey start to talk Monica: ...Pheebs? turns, and it takes him by surprise.) Ba-!
but Ross stops and whines.) Phoebe: Oh, well... 'cause.... you just... I don't like this [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are all out on
Joey: What? question. the balcony.]
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Monica: Light still out? PUCK!! (but it files out of his grasp and knocks out the Rachel: Oh, big glamour night. Me and Monica at
Rachel: Yeah. receptionist) Laundorama.
Monica: Oh. Maybe they're- napping. Ross: ...Now that was fun. Ross: Oh, you uh, you wanna hear a freaky
Rachel: Oh please, they're having sex. Closing Credits coincidence? Guess who's doing laundry there too?
Monica and Phoebe: Shut up! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey and the girls are playing Rachel: Who?
Rachel: So, whaddya think George is like? twister.] Ross: Me. Was that not clear? Hey, why don't, um,
Monica: I think he's shy. Ross: (Doing the spinning) Okay, Monica: Right foot red. why don't I just join you both, here?
Phoebe: Yeah? Monica: Could've played Monopoly, but nooooo. Rachel: Don't you have a laundry room in your
Monica: Yeah. I think you have to draw him out. (There's a knock on the door, Chandler opens it, and building?
And then- when you do- he's a preppy animal. silently hands back the cushion.) Ross: Yes, I do have a laundry room in my building,
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is still going Chandler: Thanks. (The guy nods and leaves) um, but there's a.... rat problem. Apparently they're
on about his first night with Carol.] Ross: Okay, Pheebs: Right hand blue. (Phoebe has to attracted to the dryer sheets, and they're goin' in fine,
Ross: I remember the moonlight coming through bend over.)Good. (Joey stares at her butt appreciatively) but they're comin' out all.... fluffy. Anyway, say,
the window- and her face had the most incredible (The phone rings and Chandler answers it.) sevenish?
glow. Chandler: Hello? Oh, uh, Rachel, it's the Visa card people. Rachel: Sure.
Chandler: Yes, the moon, the glow, the magical Rachel: Oh, okay. Will you take my place? (Cut back to Joey and Angela at the counter.)
feeling, you did this part- Could I get some Chandler: Alright. (on phone) Yes, this is Rachel. Angela: Forget it Joey. I'm with Bob now.
painkillers over here, please? Rachel: Nooo! (She grabs the phone and Chandler takes Joey: Bob? Who the hell's Bob?
Joey: He's right, enough, already. What is the big her place on the mat.) (On phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, Angela: Bob is great. He's smart, he's sophisticated,
deal about today? So you slept with her for the yeah, no, I know, I-I haven't been using it much. (Listens) and he has a real job. You, you go on three auditions a
first time, so what? You slept with her for seven Oh, well, thanks, but, I'm okay, really. month and you call yourself an actor, but Bob...
years after that. Ross: Green. To the green. Joey: Come on, we were great together. And not just
Ross: Look, it's just a little more complicated... Rachel: (on phone) I've got magic beans. (Listens) at the fun stuff, but like, talking too.
Chandler: Well, what? What? What is it? That she Never-never mind. Angela: Yeah, well, sorry, Joe. You said let's just be
left you? That she likes women? That she left you Chandler: To the left, to the left- aww! (They all collapse) friends, so guess what?
for another woman that likes women? Rachel: (on phone) Ohhh... I'm fine. Joey: What?
Ross: Little louder, okay, I think there's a man on End Angela: We're just friends.
the twelfth floor in a coma that didn't quite hear Joey: Fine, fine, so, why don't the four of us go out
you... 105 The One With the East German Laundry and have dinner together tonight? You know, as
Chandler: Then what? Detergent friends?
Ross: My first time with Carol was... (He mumbles [Scene: Central Perk, all six are there.] Angela: What four of us?
the last part) Monica: Would you let it go? It's not that big a deal. Joey: You know, you and Bob, and me and my
Joey: What? Ross: Not that big a deal? It's amazing. Ok, you just reach girlfriend, uh, uh, Monica.
Ross: It was my first time. in there, there's one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, Joey is there,
Joey: With Carol? (Ross gives him a look.) Oh. out the sleeve. All right, as far as I'm concerned, there is trying to convince Monica to pose as his girlfriend. His
Chandler: So in your whole life, you've only been nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right? plan is to hook Monica up with Angela's boyfriend Bob
with one—(He gets a look too)—oh. Rachel: Come on! You guys can pee standing up. and then take Angela back for himself.]
Joey: Whoah, boy, hockey was a big mistake! Chandler: We can? All right, I'm tryin' that. Joey: Monica, I'm tellin' you, this guy is perfect for
There was a whole bunch of stuff we could've Joey: Ok, you know what blows my mind? Women can see you.
done tonight! breasts any time they want. You just look down and there Monica: Forget it. Not after your cousin who could
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are still out they are. How you get any work done is beyond me. belch the alphabet.
on the balcony.] Phoebe: Oh, ok, you know what I don't get? The way guys Joey: Come on. This guy's great. His name's Bob. He's
Monica: Okay. Okay, I got one. Do you remember can do so many mean things, and then not even care. Angela's... brother. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and
that vegetarian pate that I made that you loved so (Long pause.) he has a real job. Me, I go on three auditions a month
much? Ross: Multiple orgasms! and call myself an actor, but Bob is...
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Opening Credits Monica: (looking out window) Oh, god help us.
Monica: Well, unless goose is a vegetable...ha [Scene: Central Perk, all are there.] Joey: What?
haaaah! Chandler: So, Saturday night, the big night, date night, Monica: Ugly Naked Guy's laying kitchen tile. Eww!
Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, fine, fine. Now I don't Saturday night, Sat-ur-day night! Joey: Eww! Look, I'm asking a favor here. If I do this
feel so bad about sleeping with Jason Hurley. Joey: No plans, huh? for her brother, maybe Angela will come back to me.
Monica: What?! You slept with Jason? Chandler: Not a one. Monica: What's going on here? You go out with tons
Phoebe: You'd already broken up. Ross: Not even, say, breaking up with Janice? of girls.
Rachel: How long? Chandler: Oh, right, right, shut up. Joey: (proud) I know, but, I made a huge mistake. I
Phoebe: A couple hours. Monica: Chandler, nobody likes breaking up with someone. never should have broken up with her. Will you help
Monica: Oh, that's nice! You just gotta do it. me? Please?
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, I got one! (She sits up Chandler: No, I know, but it's just so hard, you know? I [Scene: Ross' apartment, Chandler is over.]
and the cushion she was leaning against falls off of mean, you're sitting there with her, she has no idea what's Ross: (on phone) Ok, bye. (hangs up) Well, Monica's
the balcony.) Anyway- The valentine Tommy happening, and then you finally get up the courage to do it, not coming, it's just gonna be me and Rachel.
Rollerson left in your locker was really from me. and there's the horrible awkward moment when you've Chandler: Oh. Well, hold on camper, are you sure
Monica: Excuse me?! handed her the note. you've thought this thing through?
Rachel: Hello? Like he was really gonna send you Joey: Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man, Ross: It's laundry. The thinking through is minimal.
one? (To Phoebe) She was a big girl. just stop calling. Chandler: It's just you and Rachel, just the two of you?
Monica: Really. Well, at least 'big girls' don't pee Phoebe: You know, if you want, I'll do it with you. This is a date. You're going on a date.
in their pants in seventh grade! Chandler: Oh, thanks, but I think she'd feel like we're Ross: Nuh-uh.
Rachel: I was laughing! You made me laugh! gangin' up on her. Chandler: Yuh-huh.
(Monica and Rachel start to squabble) Phoebe: No, I mean you break up with Janice and I'll Ross: So what're you saying here? I should shave
Phoebe: There he is! There he is! break up with Tony. again, pick up some wine, what?
Monica: Where? Ross: Tony? Chandler: Well, you may wanna rethink the dirty
Phoebe: Right- where we've been looking all Monica: Oh, you're breaking up with Tony? underwear. This is basically the first time she's gonna
night! Phoebe: Yeah, I know, he's sweet, but it's just not fun see your underwear—you want it to be dirty?
Rachel: He is so cute! anymore, you know? I don't know if it's me, or his hunger Ross: (sheepish) No.
Monica: Oh, George, baby, drop the towel! strike, or, I don't know. Chandler: Oh, and uh, the fabric softener?
All: Yeah, drop it! Drop the towel! Please drop Rachel: (waitressing) Does anybody want anything else? Ross: Ok, ok, now what is wrong with my Snuggles?
the—(pause)—wowww. Ross: Oh, yeah, last week you had a wonderful, nutty, What, it says I'm a sensitive, warm kinda guy, you
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is absent.] chocolatey kind of a cakey pie thing. (Rachel gives him a know, like a warm, fuzzy bear. Ok, I can pick
Joey: Man. Can you believe he's only had sex with dirty look) Nothing, just, just, I'm fine. something else up on the way.
one woman? Phoebe: (to Rachel) What's the matter? Why so scrunchy? Chandler: There you go.
Chandler: I think it's great. Y'know, it's sweet, it's Rachel: It's my father. He wants to give me a Mercedes [Scene: A fancy restaurant, Joey and Monica are there,
romantic... convertible. meeting Angela and Bob, who Monica thinks is
Joey: Really? Ross: That guy, he burns me up. Angela's brother.]
Chandler: No, you kidding? The guy's a freak.. Rachel: Yeah, well, it's a Mercedes if I move back home. Monica: Thank you. So what does this Bob guy look
(Ross enters off camera) Oh, it was horrible. He called me young lady. like? Is he tall? Short?
Both: Hey, buddy. Chandler: Ooh, I hate when my father calls me that. Joey: Yep.
Ross: Hi. (He is wearing a piece of steel bandaged Monica: Did he give you that whole Monica: Which?
to his nose. He tosses some forms onto reception "You're-not-up-to-this" thing again? Joey: Which what?
desk.) Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah. Actually, I got the extended disco Monica: You've never met Bob, have you?
Receptionist: (sarcastic) Oh, that's attractive. version, with three choruses of "You'll never make it on Joey: No, but he's...
Chandler: Oh, I thought you were great in your own". Monica: Oh my god, Joey, for all we know this guy
Silence of the Lambs. Oh come on, admit it! All Phoebe: (rhythmically) Uh-huh, uh-huh. could be horribly...
things considered, you had fun tonight. (Angela, a beautiful woman in a tight dress, enters.) (Angela and Bob walk in. Bob is good-looking.)
Ross: Fun? Where was the fun? Tell me Angela: Hi, Joey. Angela: Hey, Joey.
specifically, which part was the fun part? Where's Joey: My god, Angela. Monica: ...horribly attractive. I'll be shutting up now.
my puck? (Angela takes a seat at the counter.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Phoebe are there,
Joey: Oh, ah- the kid has it. Monica: Wow, being dumped by you obviously agrees both ready to break up with their significant others.]
Ross: The kid...? (To the kid) Excuse me, uh, with her. Chandler: Where are they? Where are they?
that's, that's my puck. Phoebe: Are you gonna go over there? Phoebe: This is nice. We never do anything just the
Kid: I found it. Finders keepers, losers weepers. Joey: No, yeah, no, ok, but not yet. I don't wanna seem two of us.
(Ross looks at Chandler for help.) too eager. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Chandler: It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a
Chandler: You gotta do it, man. Mississippi. That seems pretty cool. (he walks over to her) car and run over some puppies.
Ross: (to the kid) Oh yeah? Well, I'm rubber, Hey, Angela. Phoebe: Eww, I don't wanna do that.
you're glue, whatever—(to Chandler)—can't do it. Angela: (casually) Joey. (Janice and Phoebe's boyfriend, Tony, walk in.)
(to the kid) Listen, uh- gimme back my puck. Joey: You look good. Chandler: Here we go.
Kid: No. Angela: That's because I'm wearing a dress that accents Phoebe: Ok, have a good break-up.
Ross: 'Yes', how about. C'mere. Gimme! my boobs. Chandler: Hey, Janice.
Kid: No! No! (They start to fight over it.) Joey: You don't say. Janice: Oh, my god, I am so glad you called me. I had
Receptionist: Hey! Hey! No rough holding in my (Cut to Ross and Rachel, talking next to one of the tables.) the most supremely awful day.
ER! Ross: So, uh, Rachel, what are you, uh, what're you doing Chandler: Hey, that's not good. Can I get an espresso
Ross: (tries to snatch it from the kid) GIVE ME MY tonight? and a latte over here, please?
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Janice: We got the proofs back from that photo [Scene: Fancy restaurant, Joey and Bob are talking.] (She leaves.)
shoot, you know, the one with the little vegetables. Joey: So, you and Angela, huh? Chandler: (to Phoebe) I hit her in the eye! I hit her in
Anyway, they pretty much sucked, so, I blew off Bob: Yep. Pretty much. the eye! This is the worst break-up in the history of the
the rest of the day, and I went shopping...(looks Joey: You're a lucky man. You know what I miss the most world.
through her bags)... and I got you, I'm looking, about her? That cute nibbly noise when she eats. Like a Phoebe: Oh my god. (Chandler downs another
I'm looking, I'm looking, I got you... happy little squirrel, or a weasel. espresso.) How many of those have you had?
(Chandler sees Phoebe breaking up with Tony. She Bob: Huh, I never really noticed. Chandler: Oh, I don't know, a million?
talks to him for a few seconds, hugs him, and then Joey: Oh, yeah, yeah, listen for it. Phoebe: Chandler, easy, easy. Go to your happy place.
he leaves. Chandler is amazed how easy it was for Bob: Monica, Monica is great. La la la la la la la.
her.) Joey: Yeah, but it's not gonna last. She's too much for me Chandler: I'm fine.
Chandler: What? in bed. Sexually. Phoebe: All right.
Janice: What? [Scene: The ladies' bathroom at the restaurant, Monica and (Janice returns from the bathroom.)
Chandler: (covering) What... did you get me Angela are talking.] Chandler: I'm not fine. Here she comes.
there? Monica: I've gotta tell you, Bob is terrific. Phoebe: Wait here. Breathe.
Janice: I got you...these. (pulls out a pair of Angela: Yeah, isn't he? (Phoebe goes over to speak to Janice. She talks to her
socks) Monica: It is so great to meet a guy who is smart and for a few seconds, and then Janice immediately smiles,
Chandler: Bullwinkle socks. That's so sweet. funny, and has an emotional age beyond, like eight. hugs her, waves to Chandler, and leaves.)
Janice: Well, I knew you had the Rockys, and so I Angela: You know what else? He's unbelievable in bed. Chandler: How do you do that?
figured, you know, you can wear Bullwinkle and Monica: Wow. My brother never even told me when he Phoebe: It's like a gift.
Bullwinkle, or you can wear Rocky and Rocky,or, lost his virginity. Chandler: We should always always break up
you can mix and match, moose and squirrel. Angela: Huh. That's nice. together.
Whatever you want. [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is coaching Chandler on how Phoebe: Oh, I'd like that.
Chandler: That's great. to break up with Janice.] [Scene: The Launderama. Rachel is sorting her
(The drinks arrive, and Chandler downs his Phoebe: Ok, you can do this. It's just like pulling off a now-pink clothes.]
espresso in one gulp.) Band-aid. Just do it really fast, and then the wound is Ross: You got the clothes clean. Now that's the
Chandler: Well, I'm gonna get another espresso. exposed. important part.
Can I get you another latte? (Chandler walks back to couch, where Janice is.) Rachel: Oh, I guess. Except everything looks like
Janice: (holding the full cup) No, no, I'm still Chandler: Janice. Hi, Janice. Ok, here we go. I don't think jammies now.
working on mine. we should go out anymore. Janice. (The same woman walks over and takes Rachel's
(Chandler walks over to the counter where Phoebe Janice: All right. Well, there you go. (she gets extremely laundry cart.)
is, and is asking her about the break-up.) wound up, and begins to try and calm herself down) Stop it, Rachel: Whoa, I'm sorry. Excuse me. We had this
Chandler: That's it? stop it, stop it. cart.
Phoebe: Yeah, it was really hard. [Scene: The laundromat.] Woman: Yeah, well, I had a 24-inch waist. You lose
Chandler: Oh, yeah, that hug looked pretty Rachel: Ok, I know this is gonna sound really stupid, but I things. Now come on, get outta my way.
brutal. feel that if I can do this, you know, if I can actually do my (Rachel looks at Ross, who motions to her to get the
Phoebe: Ok, you weren't there. own laundry, there isn't anything I can't do. cart back.)
[Scene: The Launderama, Rachel is there, waiting Ross: That does not sound stupid to me. You know, it's Rachel: I'm sorry, you know, maybe I wasn't being
for Ross. An old woman takes Rachel's clothes off like the first time I had to make dinner for myself, after clear. Uh, this is our cart.
the machine and begins loading it with her things.] Carol left me? (the buzzer on the washer goes off) I'm Woman: Hey, hey, hey there aren't any clothes in it.
Woman: Comin' through. Move, move. sorry, that's all the time we have. Next on Ross...(opens up Rachel: Hey, hey, hey, hey, quit making up rules!
Rachel: Oh, 'scuse me. I was kinda using that the washer) Uh-oh. Woman: Let go!
machine. Rachel: What uh-oh? (They struggle for the cart. Finally, Rachel climbs
Woman: Yeah, well, now you're kinda not. Ross: (not wanting to tell her) Uh-oh, uh-oh, the laundry's inside of it.)
Rachel: But I saved it. I put my basket on top. done. It's, uh, it's a song. The laundry song that we sing. Rachel: All right, listen, missy. If you want this cart,
Woman: Oh, I'm sorry, is that your basket? It's (singing) Uh-oh the laundry's done, uh-oh, uh-oh. you're gonna have to take me with it!
really pretty. Unfortunately, I don't see suds. Rachel: Ross, what's the matter? (She thinks it over, and then walks away.)
Rachel: What? Ross: Nothing, nothing. Lee-lo, the laundry's done. Rachel: (to Ross) Yes! Did you see that?
Woman: No suds, no save. Ok? Rachel: Come on, show me. Ross: You were incredible! Brand new woman, ladies
(Ross arrives.) Ross: All right, all right, it's just that you left a red sock in and gentlemen.
Ross: What's goin' on? with all your whites, and now, everything's kinda pink. Rachel: I could not have done this without you.
Rachel: Hi, uh, nothing. That horrible woman just Rachel: Oh, everything's pink. (Rachel stands up and kisses Ross. He is stunned. A
took my machine. Ross: Yeah, uh, except for the red sock, which is still red. moment of silence follows.)
Ross: Was your basket on top? I'm sorry, please don't be upset, it could happen to anyone. Ross: Ok, um, uh, more clothes in the dryer? (Ross
Rachel: Yeah, but, there were no suds. Rachel: Except it didn't. It happened to me. Oh, god, I'm turns and bangs his head on an open dryer door.) I'm
Ross: So? gonna look like a big marshmallow peep. What am I doing? fine, I'm fine.
Rachel: Well, you know, no suds, no save. What am I doing? My father's right. I can't live on my own! Rachel: Are you sure?
Ross: No suds? Excuse me, hold on a second. (to I can't even do laundry! Ross: No.
woman) That's my friend's machine. (The woman who had tried to steal the washing machine Closing Credits
Woman: Hey, hey, hey, her stuff wasn't in it. walks by, and laughs.) [Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are
Ross: Hey, hey, hey, that's not the rule and you [Scene: The fancy restaurant, Angela has her hand in Bob's there. Ross has an icepack to his head.]
know it. shirt, and Monica is very uncomfortable.] Rachel: Oh, are you sure you're ok?
(The woman and Ross stare at each other. Finally Monica: Something went wrong with Underdog, and they Ross: Yeah.
she takes her stuff out of the machine and leaves.) couldn't get his head to inflate. So anyway, um, his head is Rachel: Does it still hurt?
Ross: (to the crowd in the laundromat) All right, like flopping down Broadway, right, and I'm just thinking... Ross: Yeah.
show's over. Nothing to see here. (to Rachel) Ok, how inappropriate this is. Um, I've got something in my eye, Phoebe: (seeing Rachel's clothes) What a neat idea.
let's do laundry. uh, Joey, could we check it in the light, please? All your clothes match. I'm gonna do this.
Rachel: That was amazing. I can't even send back (Her and Joey walk away from the table.) (Monica and Joey enter.)
soup. Monica: Oh my god. Monica: Hi.
Ross: Well, that's because you're such a sweet, Joey: What? Phoebe: Hey, how'd it go?
gentle, uh...Do you, uh, do you...Oh, hey, uh you Monica: Hello! Were we at the same table? It's like... Joey: Excellent.
must need detergent. cocktails in Appalachia. Monica: We ripped that couple apart, and kept the
(Ross pulls out a huge box of laundry detergent.) Joey: Come on, they're close. pieces for ourselves.
Rachel: What's that? Monica: Close? She's got her tongue in his ear. Ross: What a beautiful story. Hey, I'm fine by the way.
Ross: Uberveiss. It's new, it's German, it's Joey: Oh, like you've never gotten a little rambunctious Monica: (notices his head) Oh, I'm sorry.
extra-tough. with Ross. Rachel: Where's Chandler?
(Rachel starts to load her clothes.) Monica: Joey, this is sick, it's disgusting, it's, it's—not Phoebe: Oh, he needed some time to grieve.
Ross: Rach, do you uh, are you gonna separate really true, is it? (Chandler runs by the window outside, joyous.)
those? Joey: Well, who's to say what's true? I mean... Chandler: I'm free! I'm free!
Rachel: Oh god. Oh, am I being like a total Monica: Oh my god, what were you thinking? Phoebe: That oughta do it.
laundry spaz? I mean, am I supposed to use like Joey: All right, look, I'm not proud of this, ok? Well, maybe End
one machine for shirts and another machine for I am a little.
pants? Monica: (hits him lightly) Oh! 106 The One With the Butt
Ross: Rach, have you never done this before? Joey: Ow! [Scene: A Theater, the gang is in the audience wating
Rachel: Well, not myself, but I know other people Monica: (leaving) I'm outta here. for a play of Joey's to start.]
that have. Ok, you caught me. I'm a laundry virgin. Joey: Wait, wait, wait. You want him, I want her. He likes Rachel: (reading the program) Ooh! Look! Look! Look!
Ross: Uh, well, don't worry, I'll use the gentle you. Look, there's Joey's picture! This is so exciting!
cycle. Ok, um, basically you wanna use one Monica: Really? Chandler: You can always spot someone who's never
machine for all your whites, a whole nother Joey: Yeah. I'm thinking, if we put our heads together, seen one of his plays before. Notice, no fear, no sense
machine for colors, and a third for your uh, your between the two of us, we can break them up. of impending doom...
uh, delicates, and that would be your bras and [Time lapse, Monica accidentally spilled her drink on Bob's Phoebe: The exclamation point in the title scares me.
your under-panty things. shirt and is wiping it off. Joey is making eyes at Angela.] (Gesturing) Y'know, it's not just Freud, it's Freud!
Rachel: (holds a pair of panties in front of Ross) Monica: I'm so sorry, I can't believe I did this, but I (The lights dim.)
Ok, Well, what about these are white cotton couldn't stop laughing at your Norman Mailer story. Ross: Oh, shhh, shh. Magic is about to happen.
panties. Would they go with whites or delicates? (Angela is eating chicken wings and making the weasel-like (The lights go up on the stage, Joey, as Freud, is
Ross: (visibly nervous) Uh, that, that, that would noise Joey had told Bob about.) talking to a female patient.)
be a judgment call. Joey: Uh, waiter, one more plate of chicken wings over Joey: Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here,
[Scene: Fancy restaurant, Monica, Joey, Angela, here. and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear.
and Bob are seated at the table.] [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is still trying to ease things (He goes into a song and dance number.)
Monica: (to Joey) He is so cute. (to Angela and over with Janice, and there are about a dozen empty All you want is a dingle,
Bob) So, where did you guys grow up? Espresso cups in front of him. He is extremely wired.] What you envy's a schwang,
Angela: Brooklyn Heights. Chandler: Here's the thing, Janice. You know, I mean, it's A thing through which you can tinkle,
Bob: Cleveland. like we're different. I'm like the bing, bing, bing. You're like Or play with, or simply let hang...
Monica: How, how did that happen? the boom, boom, (Chandler flails his hand out and hits Opening Credits
Joey: Oh my god. Janice in the eye)... boom. [Scene: The Theater, the play has ended and everyone
Monica: What? Janice: Ow! is applauding. As soon as the cast leaves, the gang all
Joey: I suddenly had the feeling that I was falling. Chandler: Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. Are you ok? groan and sit down heavily.]
But I'm not. Janice: Ow. Um, it's just my lens. It's just my lens. I'll be Rachel: God. I feel violated.
Commercial Break right back. Monica: Did anybody else feel they just wanted to
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peel the skin off their body, to have something Chandler: So tell me, how do- how do you think your in!"
else to do? husband would feel about you sitting here with Ross: C'mon, seriously, Joey, what's the part?
Chandler: (staring at a woman across the room) me?...Sliding your foot so far up my pant leg you can count Joey: ...I'm his (mumbles)
Ross, ten o'clock. the change in my pocket? Rachel: ..You're, you're 'mah mah mah' what?
Ross: Is it? Feels like two. Aurora: Don't worry. I imagine he'd be okay with you Joey: ...I'm his butt double. 'Kay? I play Al Pacino's
Chandler: No, ten o'clock. because really, he's okay with Ethan. butt. Alright? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm
Ross: What? Chandler: Ethan? There's, there's an Ethan? his butt.
Chandler: (sighs and gestures to explain) There's Aurora: Mmmm... Ethan is my... boyfriend. Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God.
a beautiful woman at eight, nine, ten o'clock! All: What?! Joey: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al
Ross: Oh. Hel-lo! Chandler: So explain something to me here, uh, what kind Pacino's in it, and that's big!
Chandler: She's amazing! She makes the women of a relationship do you imagine us having if you already Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's... it's... y'know, you
that I dream about look like short, fat, bald men! have a husband and a boyfriend? deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've
Monica: Well, go over to her! She's not with Aurora: I suppose mainly sexual. finally been able to crack your way into showbusiness.
anyone. Chandler: ...Hm. Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This
Chandler: Oh yeah, and what would my opening Monica: Oh. I'm sorry it didn't work out. is a big break for me!
line be? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.' Chandler: What 'not work out'? I'm seeing her again on Ross: You're right, you're right, it is...So you gonna
Rachel: Oh, c'mon. She's a person, you can do it! Thursday. Didn't you listen to the story? invite us all to the big opening?
Chandler: Oh please, could she be more out of Monica: Didn't you listen to the story? I mean, this is Commercial Break
my league? Ross, back me up here. twisted! How could you get involved with a woman like [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning,
Ross: He could never get a woman like that in a this? Monica is getting the door.]
million years. Chandler: Well, y'know, I had some trouble with it at first Monica: Alright, alright, alright...
Chandler: Thank you, buddy. too, but the way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff: all (Joey enters with Monica's paper and hands it to her.)
Phoebe: Oh, oh, but y'know, you always see the fun, all the talking, all the sex; and none of the Joey: Here. I need to borrow some moisturizer.
these really beautiful women with these really responsibility. I mean, this is every guy's fantasy! Monica: For what?
nothing guys, you could be one of those guys. Phoebe: Oh, yeah. That is not true. Ross, is this your Joey: Whaddya think? Today's the big day!
Monica: You could do that! fantasy? Monica: Oh my God. Okay, go into the bathroom, use
Chandler: Y'think? Ross: No, of course not! (Thinks) ...Yeah, yeah, it is. whatever you want, just don't ever tell me what you
All: Yeah! Monica: What? So you guys don't mind going out with did in there.
Chandler: Oh God, I can't believe I'm even someone else who's going out with someone else? Joey: Thank you! (He goes into the bathroom.)
considering this... I'm very very aware of my Joey: I couldn't do it. (Chandler enters with the phone.)
tongue... Monica: Good for you, Joey. Chandler: Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.
Ross: C'mon! C'mon! Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm Monica: He's in the bathroom. I don't think you
Chandler: Here goes. (He walks over to her but going out with more people than she is. wanna go in there!
just stands there.) Ross: Well, y'know, monogamy can be a, uh, tricky Chandler: C'mon, we're roommates! (He goes into
Aurora: ...Yes? concept. I mean, anthropologically speaking- the bathroom, screams, and runs back out.) My eyes!!
Chandler: Hi.... um... okay, next word... would (They all pretend to fall asleep.) My eyes!!
be... Chandler! Chandler is my name, and, Ross: Fine. Fine, alright, now you'll never know. Monica: I warned you...
uh...(He clears his throat noisily)...hi. Monica: We're kidding. C'mon, tell us! (Rachel enters from her room.)
Aurora: Yes, you said that. All: Yeah! C'mon! Rachel: Who is being loud?
Chandler: Yes, yes I did, but what I didn't say Ross: Alright. There's a theory, put forth by Richard Chandler: Oh, that would be Monica. Hey, listen, I
was what I was about to say, what I wanted to say Leakey- wanna borrow a coupla things, Aurora spent the night,
was, uh... would you like to go out with me (They all fall asleep again.) I really wanna make her breakfast.
sometime, thankyou, goodnight. (He walks back to [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there as enter Monica: Oh, you got the whole night, huh?
the others but she calls him back.) except Joey enter.] Chandler: Yeah, well, I only have twenty minutes
Aurora: Chandler? Rachel: Tah-daaah! until Ethan, so, y'know.. (He starts to raid the fridge.)
(Joey enters from behind a curtain. The others all Chandler: Are we greeting each other this way now? Rachel: Ooh, do I sense a little bit of resentment?
talk at once.) 'Cause I like that. Chandler: No, no resentment, believe me, it's worth it.
All: Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could Rachel: Look! I cleaned! I did the windows, I did the 'Kay? Y'know in a relationship you have these key
dance! You had a beard! floors... I even used all the attachments on the vacuum, moments that you know you'll remember for the rest of
Joey: Whadja think? except that little round one with the bristles, I don't know your life? Well, every- single- second is like that with
(Pause) what that's for. Aurora.. and I've just wasted about thirty-five of them
All: ...Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you Ross: Oh yeah, nobody knows. And we're not supposed to talking to you people, so, uh.. Monica, can you help me
could dance! You had a beard! ask. with the door? (He has armloads of stuff.)
Joey: C'mon, you guys, it wasn't that bad. It was Rachel: Well, whaddya think? Monica: Sure. Oh, um, Chandler? Y'know, the-the old
better than that thing I did with the trolls, at least All: Very clean! It looks great! Terrific! Monica would-would remind you to scrub that Teflon
you got to see my head. Monica: ...Oh! I-I see you moved the green ottoman. pan with a plastic brush...But I'm not gonna do that.
All: (admitting) Saw your head. Saw your head. All: Uh-oh... (She opens the door and he leaves.)
Chandler: (running back) She said yes!! She said Monica: How-how did that happen? [Scene: A Film Set, Joey is entering for his scene.]
yes!! (To Joey) Awful play, man. Whoah. (To All) Rachel: I dunno.. I-I thought it looked better there. And I- Director: (on phone)...Dammit, hire the girl! (He
Her name's Aurora, and she's Italian, and she and also, it's an extra seat around the coffee table. hangs up the phone.) Okay, everybody ready?
pronounces my name 'Chand-lrr'. 'Chand-lrr'. I Monica: Yeah, yeah, it's interesting.. but y'know what? Joey: Uh, listen, I just wanna thank you for this great
think I like it better that way. (To Joey) Oh, listen, Just for fun, let's see what it looked like in the old spot. opportunity.
the usher gave me this to give to you. (He fishes a (She moves it.) Alright, just to compare. Let's see. Well, it Director: Lose the robe.
card out of his pocket.) looks good there too. Let's just leave it there for a while. Joey: Me?
Rachel: What is it? Phoebe: (to Rachel) I can't believe you tried to move the Director: That would work.
Joey: The Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Wow, green ottoman. Joey: Right. Okay. Losing the robe. (He takes off the
an agency left me its card! Maybe they wanna sign Chandler: Thank God you didn't try to fan out the robe.) And the robe is lost.
me! magazines. I mean, she'll scratch your eyes right out. Director: Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this in one
Phoebe: Based on this play? ...Based on this play! Monica: You guys, I am not that bad! take, please. Let's roll it.. water's working (The shower
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone else is there as Phoebe: Yeah, you are, Monica. Remember when I lived starts).. and... action.
Chandler enters.] with you? You were like, a little, y'know, (psycho) Ree! Ree! (Joey starts to the shower with a grim, determined
Chandler: Hey, kids. Ree! Ree! look on his face.)
All: Hey. Monica: That is so unfair! Director: And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are
Phoebe: (reading Monica's palm) No, 'cause this Ross: Oh c'mon! When we were kids, yours was the only you doing?
line is passion, and this is... just a line. Raggedy Ann doll that wasn't raggedy! Joey: Well, I'm- I'm showering.
Chandler: Well, I can't believe I've been here Monica: Okay, so I'm responsible, I'm organised. But hey, Director: No, that was clenching.
almost seven seconds and you haven't asked me I can be a kook. Joey: Oh. Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset here,
how my date went. Ross: Alright, you madcap gal. Try to imagine this. The y'know? I mean, his wife's dead, his brother's missing...
Monica: Oh, right, right. How was your date, phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away. I think his butt would be angry here.
'Chand-lrr'? Monica: Why not? Director: I think his butt would like to get this shot
Chandler: It was unbelievable. I-I've never met Ross: Because you're a kook! Instead you wait until they before lunch. Once again, rolling... water working...
anyone like her. She's had the most amazing life! send you a notice. and action....and cut. What was that?
She was in the Israeli army... Monica: I could do that. Joey: I was going for quiet desperation. But if you
(A flashback of Aurora and Chandler on their date Rachel: Okay, uh, you let me go grocery shopping, and I have to ask...
in Central Perk is denoted by italics.) buy laundry detergent, but it's not the one with the [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Aurora and Chandler are
Aurora: ...Luckily none of the bullets hit the easy-pour spout. in bed in Chandler's room.]
engine block. So, we made it to the border, but Monica: Why would someone do that?! ...One might Chandler: God, I love these fingers...
just barely, and I- ...I've been talking about myself wonder. Aurora: Thank you.
all night long, I'm sorry. What about you? Tell me Chandler: Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. Chandler: No, actually I meant my fingers. Look at
one of your stories. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink, it's a hot day. Little 'em, look at how happy they are.
Chandler: Alright. Once I got on the subway, beads of condensation are inching their way closer and Aurora: (moves Chandler's arm and look at his watch.)
right, and it was at night, and I rode it all the way closer to the surface of the wood... Oh my God, I'm late. (She starts to get up.)
to Brooklyn... just for the hell of it. Monica: STOP IT!! ...Oh my God. It's true! Who am I? Chandler: Oh no nonononononnononono, don't go..
Chandler: We talked 'til like two. It was this Ross: Monica? You're Mom. (He kisses her and pulls her back down.)
perfect evening... more or less. (Monica gasps.) Aurora: Okay.
Aurora: ...All of a sudden we realised we were in Phoebe: Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Chandler: Don't go.
Yammon. (Joey enters and he's on the phone.) Aurora: Okay. Oh no, I have to.
Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, so 'we' is? Joey: (on phone) Uh huh.. uh huh... oh my God! Okay! Chandler: (to himself) Too bad, she's leaving.
Aurora: 'We' would be me and Rick. Okay, I'll be there! (He hangs up and to all.) That was my Aurora: (getting up and dressing) I'm sorry. He'll be
Joey: Who's Rick? agent. (He tosses and catches the phone.) My agent has waiting for me.
Chandler: Who's Rick? just gotten me a job...in the new Al Pacino movie! Chandler: Well, I thought- I thought you talked to
Aurora: My husband. All: Oh my God! Whoah! Rick.
All: Ooooohhh. Monica: Well, what's the part? Aurora: It's not Rick.
Chandler: Oh, so you're divorced? Joey: Can you believe this? Al Pacino! This guy's the Chandler: What, Ethan? He got to spend the whole
Aurora: No. reason I became an actor! "I'm out of order? Pfeeeh. day with you!
Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, then you're You're out of order! This whole courtroom's out of order!" Aurora: No, it's-it's Andrew.
widowed?...Hopefully? Phoebe: Seriously, what-what's the part? Chandler: I know there'll be many moments in the
Aurora: No, I'm still married. Joey: "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back years to come when I'll regret asking the following
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question, but- And Andrew is? [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is introducing Phoebe, who is Rachel: Um... Ross?
Aurora: He's... new. playing her guitar for the crowd.] Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All.'
Chandler: Oh, so what you're saying is you're not Rachel: Everybody? Shh, shhh. Uhhh... Central Perk is All: No way!
completely fulfilled by Rick, Ethan and myself? proud to present the music of Miss Phoebe Buffay. Ross: The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went
Aurora: No, that's not exactly what I was.. (applause) behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children...
Chandler: Well, y'know, most women would kill Phoebe: Hi. Um, I want to start with a song thats about then they fixed the ride, and we were asked never to
for three guys like us. that moment when you suddenly realize what life is all return to the Magic Kingdom.
Aurora: So what do you want? about. OK, here we go. (plays a chord, then the lights go Phoebe: Oh, Rachel.
Chandler: You. out) OK, thank you very much. Rachel: Oh come on, I already went.
Aurora: You have me! [Scene: The ATM vestibule of a bank, Chandler is inside. Monica: You did not go!
Chandler: Nono, just you. The lights go out, and he realizes he is trapped inside.] All: Come on.
Aurora: Whaddyou mean? Chandler: Oh, great. This is just... Rachel: Oh, alright. The weirdest place would have to
Chandler: Lose the other guys. (Chandler sees that there is a gorgeous model inside the be... (sigh)... oh, the foot of the bed.
Aurora: ...Like, ...all of them? vestibule with him. He makes a gesture of quiet Ross: Step back.
Chandler: C'mon, we're great together, why not? exuberance.) Joey: We have a winner!
Aurora: Why can't we just have what we have Opening Credits [Time lapse, Ross and Rachel are talking, Joey is on
now? Why can't we just talk, and laugh, and make [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone with the couch, and Monica and Phoebe are out of the
love, without feeling obligated to one another... her mother. Phoebe, Rachel, and Ross are there.] room.]
and up until tonight I thought that's what you Rachel: Wow, this is so cool, you guys. The entire city is Rachel: I just never had a relationship with that kind
wanted too. blacked out! of passion, you know, where you have to have
Chandler: ...Well, y'know, part of me wants that, Monica: Mom says it's all of Manhattan, parts of Brooklyn somebody right there, in the middle of a theme park.
but it's like I'm two guys, y'know? I mean, one and Queens, and they have no idea when it's coming back Ross: Well, it was the only thing to do there that didn't
guy's going 'Shut up! This is great!' But there's this on. have a line.
other guy. Actually it's the same guy that wells up Rachel: Wow, you guys, this is big. Rachel: There, well, see? Barry wouldn't even kiss me
every time that Grinch's heart grows three sizes Monica: (into phone) Pants and a sweater? Why, mom? on a miniature golf course.
and breaks that measuring device... And he's Who am I gonna meet in a blackout? Power company guys? Ross: Come on.
saying, y'know, 'This is too hard! Get out! Get out!' Eligible looters? Could we talk about this later? OK. (hangs Rachel: No, he said we were holding up the people
Aurora: So... which one of the two guys will you up) behind us.
listen to? Phoebe: Can I borrow the phone? I want to call my Ross: (sarcastically) And you didn't marry him
Chandler: I don't know, I-I have to listen to both apartment and check on my grandma. (to Monica) What's because...?
of them, they don't exactly let each other finish... my number? Rachel: I mean, do you think there are people who go
Aurora: Which one? (Monica and Rachel look at Phoebe strangely.) through life never having that kind of...
Chandler: ...The second guy. Phoebe: Well, I never call me. Ross: Probably. But you know, I'll tell you something.
Aurora: (gets up to leave) Well, call me if you [Scene: ATM vestibule, Jill Goodacre is on the cellular Passion is way overrated.
change your mind. phone. Chandler's thoughts are in italics.] Rachel: Yeah right.
(She kisses him, he holds her, and kisses her Chandler: Oh my God, it's that Victoria's Secret model. Ross: It is. Eventually, it kind of... burns out. But
passionately.) Something... something Goodacre. hopefully, what you're left with is trust, and security,
Chandler: Sorry, the first guy runs the lips. Jill: (on phone) Hi Mom, it's Jill. and... well, in the case of my ex-wife, lesbianism. So,
(She leaves, Chandler sighs, and falls back on his Chandler: She's right, it's Jill. Jill Goodacre. Oh my God. I you know, for all of those people who miss out on that
bed.) am trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! (pause) passion... thing, there's all that other good stuff.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is trying to Is it a vestibule? Maybe it's an atrium. Oh, yeah, that is the Rachel: (sigh) OK.
comfort Chandler. Joey is absent.] part to focus on, you idiot! Ross: But, um... I don't think that's going to be you.
Ross: Look at it this way: you dumped her. Right? Jill: (on phone) Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just stuck at the bank, Rachel: You don't.
I mean, this woman was unbelievably sexy, and in an ATM vestibule. Ross: Uh-uh. See, I see.... big passion in your future.
beautiful, intelligent, unattainable... Tell me why Chandler: Jill says vestibule... I'm going with vestibule. Rachel: Really?
you did this again? Jill: (on phone) I'm fine. No, I'm not alone... I don't know, Ross: Mmmm.
(Joey enters.) some guy. Rachel: You do?
All: Hey! Chandler: Oh! Some guy. Some guy. 'Hey Jill, I saw you Ross: I do.
Monica: Hey, waitwait, aren't you the guy that with some guy last night. Yes, he was some guy. Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great. (she playfully rubs
plays the butt in the new Al Pacino movie? (Chandler strides proudly across the vestibule and Jill his head and gets up)
Joey: Nope. stares at him.) (Ross gets up, pleased with himself.)
Ross: No? What happened, big guy? [Scene: Monica's apartment, Joey enters with a menorah, Joey: It's never gonna happen.
Chandler: (to Ross) "Big guy?" the candles lit.] Ross: (innocently) What?
Ross: It felt like a 'big guy' moment. Joey: Hi everyone. Joey: You and Rachel.
Joey: I got fired. Ross: And officiating at tonight's blackout, is Rabbi Ross: (acts surprised) What? (pause) Why not?
All: Oh! Tribbiani. Joey: Because you waited too long to make your move,
Joey: Yeah, they said I acted too much with it. I Joey: Well, Chandler's old roomate was Jewish, and these and now you're in the friend zone.
told everybody about this! Now everybody's gonna are the only candles we have, so... Happy Chanukah, Ross: No, no, no. I'm not in the zone.
go to the theatre, expecting to see me, and... everyone. Joey: Ross, you're mayor of the zone.
Rachel: Oh, Joey, you know what, no-one is Phoebe: (at window) Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a Ross: I'm taking my time, alright? I'm laying the
gonna be able to tell. bunch of candles. groundwork. Yeah. I mean, every day I get just a little
Joey: My mom will. (They all look at the window, grossed out, then flinch in bit closer to...
Chandler: Something so sweet and...disturbing pain.) Joey: Priesthood! Look Ross, I'm telling you, she has
about that. Rachel: That had to hurt! no idea what you're thinking. If you don't ask her out
Joey: Y'know, I've done nothing but crappy plays [Scene: ATM vestibule.] soon you're going to end up stuck in the zone forever.
for six years. And I finally get my shot, and I blow Chandler: Alright, alright, alright. It's been fourteen and a Ross: I will, I will. See, I'm waiting for the right
it! half minutes and you still have not said one word. Oh God, moment. (Joey looks at him) What? What, now?
Monica: Maybe this wasn't your shot. do something. Just make contact, smile! Joey: Yeeeeaaaahhh! What's messing you up? The
Ross: Yeah, I mean... I think when it's your shot, (Chandler smiles at her, she smiles back sweetly.) wine? The candles? The moonlight? You've just got to
y'know, you-you know it's your shot. Did it... feel Chandler: There you go! go up to her and say, 'Rachel, I think that...' (Rachel
like your shot..? (He continues to smile like an idiot, and she looks comes into the room behind them)
Joey: Hard to tell, I was naked. frightened.) Ross: Shhhh!
Phoebe: No, I don't think this was your shot. I Chandler: You're definitely scaring here. Rachel: What are you shushing?
mean, I don't even think you just get one shot. I Jill: (awkwardly) Would you like to call somebody? Ross: We're shushing... because... we're trying to
really believe big things are gonna happen for you, (offering phone) hear something. Listen. (everyone is silent) Don't you
I do! You've gotta just keep thinking about the day Chandler: Yeah, about 300 guys I went to high school hear that?
that some kid is gonna run up to his friends and go with. Yeah, thanks. (takes phone) Rachel: Ahhhh!
'I got the part! I got the part! I'm gonna be Joey [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The phone rings; it's Ross: See?
Tribbiani's ass!'. Chandler.] Rachel: Huh. (she agrees, but looks very confused)
Joey: Yeah? That's so nice! (They hug.) Monica: Hello? [Scene: ATM vestibule.]
(Ross and Chandler look at each other and hug as Chandler: Hey, it's me. Jill: Would you like some gum?
well.) Monica: (to everyone) It's Chandler! (on phone) Are you Chandler: Um, is it sugarless?
Monica: I'm sorry, Joey. I'm gonna go to bed, OK? Jill: (checks) Sorry, it's not.
guys. Chandler: Yeah, I'm fine. (trying to cover up what he is Chandler: Oh, then no thanks. What the hell was that?
All: Night. saying) I'm trppd in an ATM vstbl wth Jll Gdcr. Mental note: If Jill Goodacre offers you gum, you take
Rachel: Uh, Mon, you-you gonna leave your Monica: What? it. If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take
shoes out here? Chandler: I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth Jll Gdcr! it.
Monica: (determined) Uh-huh! Monica: I have no idea what you just said. [Scene: Monica's apartment, Phoebe is singing.]
Rachel: Really? Just casually strewn about in that Chandler: (angry) Put Joey on the phone. Phoebe: (singing) New York City has no power, and
reckless haphazard manner? Joey: What's up man? the milk is getting sour. But to me it is not scary, 'cause
Monica: Doesn't matter, I'll get 'em tomorrow. Or Chandler: I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth JLL GDCR. I stay away from dairy.... la la la, la la, la la... (she
not. Whenever. (He goes to her room.) Joey: (to everyone) Oh my God! He's trapped in an ATM writes the lyrics down)
Ross: She is a kook. vestibule with Jill Goodacre! (on phone) Chandler, listen. Ross: (to Joey) OK, here goes.
Closing Credits (says something intentionally garbled) Joey: Are you going to do it?
[Scene: Monica's Bedroom, she's lying in bed wide Chandler: Yeah, like that thought never entered my mind. Ross: I'm going to do it.
awake.] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time has passed. The five are Joey: Do you want any help?
Monica: (hums for a while, then gives up, and in sitting around the coffee table talking.] Ross: You come out there, you're a dead man.
her head) If it bothers you that much, just go out Rachel: Alright, somebody. Joey: Good luck, man.
and get the shoes. No. Don't do this. This is stupid! Monica: OK, I'll go. OK, senior year of college... on a pool Ross: Thanks. (Joey hugs him) OK.
I don't have to prove anything, I'm gonna go get table. Joey: OK. (Ross goes out on the balcony to talk to
them...But then everyone will know. Unless I get All: Whoooaa! Rachel)
them, and then wake up really early and put them Ross: That's my sister. (Monica walks in, starts to go out on the balcony.)
back! ...I need help! (She buries her head in her Joey: OK... my weirdest place would have to be... the Joey: Hey, where are you going?
pillow.) women's room on the second floor of the New York CIty Monica: Outside.
End public library. Joey: You can't go out there.
Monica: Oh my God! What were you doing in a library? Monica: Why not?
107 The One With the Blackout Ross: Pheebs, what about you? Joey: Because of... the reason.
Phoebe: Oh... Milwaukee. Monica: And that would be?
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Joey: I, um, can't tell you. Monica: (smitten) Hi! pen around his head.]
Monica: Joey, what's going on? Rachel: And Joey.... Jill: Chandler, we've been here for an hour doing this!
Joey: OK, you've got to promise that you'll never, Monica: Hi! Now watch, it's easy.
ever tell Ross that I told you. Rachel: And Ross. Chandler: OK.
Monica: About what? Monica: Hi! Jill: Ready? (she swings the pen around her head in a
Joey: He's planning your birthday party. Paolo: (something in Italian) circle)
Monica: Oh my God! I love him! Rachel: (proudly) He doesn't speak much English. (Chandler tries to do the same thing but the pen hits
Joey: (as Phoebe enters) You'd better act Paolo: (pointing at game) Monopoly! him in the head.)
surprised. Rachel: Look at that! Jill: No, you've got to whip it.
Phoebe: About what? Ross: (jealous) So, um... where did Paolo come from? (He swings the pen hard, and it snaps back and almost
Monica: My surprise party! Rachel: Oh... Italy, I think. hits him again.)
Phoebe: What surprise party? Ross: No, I mean tonight, in the building. Suddenly. Into [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is all sitting
Monica: Oh stop it. Joey already told me. our lives. around the table.]
Phoebe: Well, he didn't tell me. Rachel: Well, the cat... the cat turned out to be Paolo's Phoebe: Oh, look look look. The last candle's about to
Joey: Hey, don't look at me. This is Ross's thing. cat! burn out. 10, 9, 8, 7... (time lapse)... negative 46,
Phoebe: This is so typical. I'm always the last one Ross: That, that is funny... (to Joey).... and Rachel keeps negative 47, negative 48.... (someone blows it out, the
to know everything. touching him. room gets completely dark)
Monica: No, you are not. We tell you stuff. (Phoebe enters.) Ross: Thank you.
Phoebe: Yuh-huh! I was the last one to know Phoebe: Alright. I looked all over the building and I Phoebe: Thanks.
when Chandler got bitten by the peacock at the couldn't find the kitty anywhere. Ross: Kinda... spooky without any lights.
zoo. I was the last one to know when you had a Rachel: Oh, I found him. He was Paolo's cat. Joey: (does a maniacal laugh) Bwah-hah-hah!
crush on Joey when he was moving in. (Monica Phoebe: Ah! Well! There you go! Last to know again! And (Everyone starts to imitate him.)
gestures at Phoebe to shut up; Joey looks I'm guessing... since nobody told me... this is Paolo. Ross: OK, guys, guys? I have the definitive one.
surprised but pleased) Looks like I was second to Rachel: Ah, Paolo, this is Phoebe. Mwwwooooo-hah-hah...
last. Paolo: (something in Italian, he is apparently attracted to (The lights come back on, and Rachel and Paolo are
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Ross and Phoebe) making out. Ross clutches his chest.)
Rachel are talking.] Phoebe: (smiling) You betcha! Ross: Oh.. oh... oh.
Rachel: Hmmm... this is so nice. [Scene: ATM vestibule.] Joey: Hey Ross. This probably isn't the best time to
Ross: OK, I have a question. Well, actually, it's not Chandler: (chewing gum) Ah, let's see. What next? Blow a bring it up, but you have to throw a party for Monica.
so much a question as.. more of a general bubble. A bubble's good. It's got a... boyish charm, it's Closing Credits
wondering... ment. impish. Here we go. [Scene: ATM vestibule, the power has come back on.]
Rachel: OK. (Chandler waits until Jill is looking, then starts to blow a Jill: Well, this has been fun.
Ross: OK. Here goes. For a while now, I've been bubble. But instead of blow one, he accidentally spits the Chandler: Yes. Yes, thanks for letting me use your
wanting to, um.... gum out of his mouth and hits the wall.) phone... and for saving my life.
Rachel: Ohhh!!!! (looking at something behind Chandler: Nice going, imp. OK, it's OK. All I need to do is Jill: Well, goodbye Chandler. I had a great blackout.
Ross) reach over and put it in my mouth. (Chandler slyly grabs (she kisses him on the cheek) See ya.
Ross: Yes, yes, that's right... the gum from the wall and slides it back in his mouth.) (She leaves. Chandler presses his face to the glass
Rachel: Oh, look at the little cat! (a small kitten is Chandler: Good save! We're back on track, and I'm... door after her, stroking the window lovingly. He then
on the roof behind Ross) (grimacing) ..chewing someone else's gum. This is not turns to the security camera and starts talking to it.)
Ross: What? (the cat jumps on his shoulders) Ow! my gum. Oh my God! Oh my God! And now you're Chandler: Hi, um, I'm account number 7143457. And,
[Cut to inside. Monica, Joey and Phoebe are choking. uh, I don't know if you got any of that, but I would
singing while outside, Ross and Rachel are trying (Chandler starts to choke.) really like a copy of the tape.
to get the cat off of Ross' shoulder.] Jill: Are you alright? End
Monica, Joey, and Phoebe: (singing) I'm on top (Chandler tries to save face and makes the 'OK' sign with
of the world, looking down on creation and the his hands, while obviously unable to breathe.) 108 The One Where Nana Dies Twice
only explanation I can find, is the wonders I've Jill: My God, you're choking! (she runs over and gives him [Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffee
found ever since... the Heimlich, the gum flies from his mouth) That better? break. Shelley enters.)
Commercial Break Chandler: (gasping) Yes... thank you. That was... that Shelley: Hey gorgeous, how's it going?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is holding was.... Chandler: Dehydrated Japanese noodles under
the cat, Monica is treating the scratches on Ross' Jill: Perfection? fluorescent lights... does it get better than this?
back. Joey is holding the menorah over the [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Paolo are at the Shelley: Question. You're not dating anybody, are you,
wound.] window. Ross and Joey are watching disgustedly.] because I met somebody who would be perfect for
Monica: (to Ross) This is just Bactine. It won't Paolo: (something romantic in Italian about Rachel and you.
hurt. the stars) Chandler: Ah, y'see, perfect might be a problem. Had
(Ross flinches in pain.) Ross: (mocking Paolo) Blah blah blah, blah blah blah... you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-destructive'...
Joey: Sorry, that was wax. blah blaaaaaah.... Shelley: Do you want a date Saturday?
Phoebe: Oh, poor little Tooty is scared to death. (Rachel walks away from Paolo, laughing.) Chandler: Yes please.
We should find his owner. Ross: Wha-What did he say that was so funny? Shelley: Okay. He's cute, he's funny, he's-
Ross: Why don't we just put 'poor little Tooty' out Rachel: I have absolutely no idea. Chandler: He's a he?
in the hall? Ross: That's... that's classic. Shelley: Well yeah! ...Oh God. I- just- I thought-
Rachel: During a blackout? He'd get trampled! Rachel: (to Monica and Phoebe) Oh my God, you guys, Good, Shelley. I'm just gonna go flush myself down the
Ross: (nonchalantly) Yeah? what am I doing? What am I doing? This is so un-me! toilet now...(backs out of the room) Okay, goodbye...
[Scene: ATM vestibule.] Monica: If you want, I'll do it. Opening Credits
Chandler: You know, on second thought, gum (Ross looks at Joey.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there.)
would be perfection. (Jill gives him a stick of gum, Phoebe: I know, I just want to bite his bottom lip. (Rachel Chandler: ...Couldn't enjoy a cup of noodles after that.
and a strange look) 'Gum would be perfection'? looks at her) But I won't. I mean, is that ridiculous? Can you believe she actually
'Gum would be perfection.' Could have said 'gum Rachel: God, the first time he smiled at me... those three thought that?
would be nice,' or 'I'll have a stick,' but no, no, no, seconds were more exciting than three weeks in Bermuda Rachel: Um... yeah. Well, I mean, when I first met
no. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself. with Barry. you, y'know, I thought maybe, possibly, you might
[Scene: The hallway of Monica's building. Phoebe Phoebe: You know, did you ride mopeds? 'Cause I've be...
and Rachel are trying to find the cat's owner.] heard... (they stare at her)... oh, I see... it's not about that Chandler: You did?
Phoebe: (stops at a door) Oh no, the Mendels, right now. OK. Rachel: Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe's entire
they hate all living things, right? Rachel: Y'know, I know it's totally superficial and we have birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I figured
Rachel: Oh. (they knock at the next door, Mr. absolutely nothing in common, and we don't even speak maybe not.
Heckles answers) Hi. We just found this cat and the same language but Goooooooddddddd.... Chandler: Huh. Did, uh... any of the rest of you guys
we're looking for the owner. [Cut to the other side of the apartment, Ross has gone over think that when you first met me?
Mr. Heckles: Er, yeah, it's mine. to straighten things out with Paolo.] Monica: I did.
Phoebe: (trying to hold back the struggling cat) Ross: Paolo. Hi. Phoebe: Yeah, I think so, yeah.
He seems to hate you. Are you sure? Paolo: Ross! Joey: Not me.
Mr. Heckles: Yeah, it's my cat. Give me my cat. (Ross notices that Paolo is standing on a step, which makes Ross: Nono, me neither. Although, uh, y'know, back in
Phoebe: Wait a minute. What's his name? him taller. Ross gets up on the same step so he can look college, Susan Sallidor did.
Mr. Heckles: Ehhhh... B-Buttons. down at Paolo.) Chandler: You're kidding! Did you tell her I wasn't?
Rachel: Bob Buttons? Ross: Listen. Um, listen. Something you should... know... Ross: No. No, it's just 'cause, uh, I kinda wanted to go
Mr. Heckles: Mmm. Bob Buttons. Here, Bob um, Rachel and I... we're kind of a thing. out with her too, so I told her, actually, you were
Buttons. Paolo: Thing? seeing Bernie Spellman... who also liked her, so...
Phoebe: (the cat runs away from her) Oooh! You Ross: Thing, yes. Thing. (Joey congratulates Ross, sees Chandler's look and
are a very bad man! Paolo: Ah, you... have the sex? abruptly stops.)
Mr. Heckles: (as Phoebe and Rachel leave) You Ross: No, no, no. Technically the... sex is not... being had, Chandler: Well, this is fascinating. So, uh, what is it
owe me a cat. but that's... see, that's not the point. See, um, the point is about me?
[Scene: Rachel has gone off on her own to look for that... Rachel and I should be, er, together. You know, and Phoebe: I dunno, 'cause you're smart, you're funny...
the cat's owner.] if you get in the.... um... Chandler: Ross is smart and funny, d'you ever think
Rachel: Here, kitty-kitty. Here kitty-kitty. Where Paolo: Bed? that about him?
did you go, little kitty-kitty-kitty? Here Ross: No, no, that's not where I was going. Er, if you get in All: Yeah! Right!
kitty-kitty-kitty-kitty... the... way, of us becoming a thing, then I would be, well, Chandler: WHAT IS IT?!
(While looking at the floor for the cat, Rachel runs very sad. Monica: Okay, I-I d'know, you-you just- you have a
into a pair of legs. She slowly gets up and sees a Paolo: Oh! quality.
gorgeous Italian hunk holding the cat. Who, by the Ross: Yeah! Se vice? All: Yes. Absolutely. A quality.
way, you'll hate very, very soon. The man. Not the Paolo: Si. Chandler: Oh, oh, a quality, good, because I was
cat.) Ross: So you do know a little English. worried you guys were gonna be vague about this.
Paolo: (something Italian) Paolo: Poco... a leetle. (Phone rings; Monica gets it)
Rachel: Wow. (she exhales in amazement, Ross: Do you know the word crapweasel? Monica: Hello? Hello? Oh! Rachel, it's Paolo calling
blowing the candle out) Paolo: No. from Rome.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Monica, and Ross: That's funny, because you know, you are a huge Rachel: Oh my God! Calling from Rome! (Takes phone)
Joey are playing Monopoly.] crapweasel! Bon giorno, caro mio.
Ross: (rolling) Lucky sixes.... (They hug.) Ross: (to Joey) So he's calling from Rome. I could do
Rachel: (entering with Paolo, arm in arm) [Scene: ATM vestibule, Chandler and Jill are sitting below that. Just gotta go to Rome.
Everybody, this is Paolo. Paolo, I want you to meet the counter with two pens dangling from their chains in Rachel: Monica, your dad just beeped in, but can you
my friends. This is Monica. front of them. Jill is showing Chandler how to swing the make it quick? Talking to Rome. (Showing off to
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Phoebe and Chandler) I'm talking to Rome. look nice! her) Y'know, I think it might be time for you to start
Monica: Hey dad, what's up? (Listens) Oh God. (They open a cupboard which, amongst other things, using night cream.
Ross, it's Nana. contains a chest of drawers) (Joey listens to his overcoat for a second and sighs,
[Scene: The Hospital, Mr. and Mrs. Geller are there, Mrs. Geller: Sweetie, you think you can get in there? then notices Chandler watching)
along with Aunt Lillian. Ross and Monica enter and Ross: (sarcastic) I don't see why not. Joey: What?
everyone says hi and kisses.) (He tries pushing against the chest of drawers. Then he Chandler: Nothing, just your overcoat sounds
Ross: So, uh, how's she doing? opens one of the drawers and climbs into the closet using remarkably like Brent Mussberger.
Aunt Lillian: The doctor says it's a matter of that; he falls behind the chest of drawers with a shout.) Joey: Check it out, Giants-Cowboys. (He has a pocket
hours. Ross: Here's my retainer! TV)
Monica: How-how are you, Mom? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is talking to her Chandler: You're watching a football game at a
Mrs. Geller: Me? I'm fine, fine. I'm glad you're father.] funeral?
here. ...What's with your hair? Mr. Geller: I was just thinking. When my time comes- Joey: No, it's the pre-game. I'm gonna watch it at the
Monica: What? Monica: Dad! reception.
Mrs. Geller: What's different? Mr. Geller: Listen to me! When my time comes, I wanna Chandler: You are a frightening, frightening man.
Monica: Nothing. be buried at sea. (Rachel steps in a patch of mud)
Mrs. Geller: Oh, maybe that's it. Monica: You what? Rachel: Oh no! My new Paolo shoes!
(Monica strides over to Ross, who is making coffee, Mr. Geller: I wanna be buried at sea, it looks like fun. Ross: Oh, I hope they're not ruined.
and talks to him aside.) Monica: Define fun. Phoebe: God, what a great day. ...What?
Monica: She is unbelievable, our mother is... Mr. Geller: C'mon, you'll make a day of it! You'll rent a Weather-wise!
Ross: Okay, relax, relax. We are gonna be here boat, pack a lunch... Ross: I know, uh, the air, the-the trees... even though
for a while, it looks like, and we still have Monica: ...And then we throw your body in the water... Nana's gone there's, there's something almost, uh- I
boyfriends and your career to cover. Gee, that does sound fun. dunno, almost life-aff- (Not looking where he is going
Monica: Oh God! Mr. Geller: Everyone thinks they know me. Everyone says he falls into an open grave)
(They hug.) 'Jack Geller, so predictable'. Maybe after I'm gone, they'll All: God! Ross!
[Cut to the hospital, later. Everyone is talking say 'Buried at sea! Huh!'. Ross: I'm fine. Just-just... having my worst fear
about Nana.] Monica: That's probably what they'll say. realised...
Monica: The fuzzy little mints at the bottom of her Mr. Geller: I'd like that. [Scene: The Wake, at the Gellers' house. Ross is lying
purse. [Scene: Chandler's Office, Shelley is drinking coffee; on his back, with Phoebe squatting over him, checking
Ross: Oh! ...Yeah, they were gross. Oh, you know Chandler enters.] to see if he's injured.]
what I loved? Her Sweet 'n' Los. How she was Chandler: Hey, gorgeous. Phoebe: Okay, don't worry, I'm just checking to see if
always stealing them from- from restaurants. Shelley: (sheepish) Hey. Look, I'm sorry about yesterday, the muscle's in spasm...huh.
Mr. Geller: Not just restaurants, from our house. I, um- Ross: What, what is it?
(The nurse comes out of Nana's room.) Chandler: No, nono, don't- don't worry about it. Believe Phoebe: You missed a belt loop.
Nurse: Mrs. Geller? me, apparently other people have made the same mistake. Ross: Oh! No-n-
(Everyone stands up. Cut to Ross and Monica in Shelley: Oh! Okay! Phew! Phoebe: Okay, it's in spasm.
Nana's room.) Chandler: So, uh... what do you think it is about me? Mrs. Geller: Here, sweetie, here. I took these when I
Ross: She looks so small. Shelley: I dunno, uh... you just have a-a... had my golfing accident. (Hands Ross a bottle of pills.
Monica: I know. Chandler: ...Quality, right, great. Then turns to Monica and pats her hair over her ears)
Ross: Well, at least she's with Pop-Pop and Aunt Shelley: Y'know, it's a shame, because you and Lowell (Cut to Chandler and a woman, Andrea, reaching for
Phyllis now. would've made a great couple. the same slice of meat)
Monica: G'bye, Nana. (She kisses her on the Chandler: Lowell? Financial Services' Lowell, that's who Chandler: Oh, no-
forehead.) you saw me with? Andrea: Sorry- Hi, I'm Dorothy's daughter.
Ross: Bye, Nana. Shelley: What? He's cute! Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler, and I have no idea who
(He goes to kiss her but she moves. Monica Chandler: Well, yeah... 's'no Brian in Payroll. Dorothy is.
screams. Ross shouts and stares in disbelief. Shelley: Is Brian...? (They shake hands. Cut to Ross emerging from a
Monica runs out of the room.) Chandler: No! Uh, I d'know! The point is, if you were hallway, grinning inanely. He is obviously very stoned)
Monica: Ross! gonna set me up with someone, I'd like to think you'd set Phoebe: Hey, look who's up! How do you feel?
(Ross runs out too.) me up with someone like him. Ross: I feel great. I feel- great, I fleel great.
Mrs. Geller: What is going on?! Shelley: Well, I think Brian's a little out of your league. Monica: Wow, those pills really worked, huh?
Ross: Y'know how-how the nurse said that-that Chandler: Excuse me? You don't think I could get a Brian? Ross: Not the first two, but the second two-
Nana had passed? Well, she's not, quite.. Because I could get a Brian. Believe you me. ...I'm really woooo! ...I love you guys. You guys are the greatest. I
Mrs. Geller: What? not. love my sister (Kisses Monica), I love Pheebs... (Hugs
Ross: She's not- past, she's present, she's back. [Scene: Nana's Bedroom, Ross is holding a dress out from her)
Aunt Lillian: (reentering) What's going on? inside the closet.] Phoebe: Ooh! That's so nice...
Mr. Geller: She may have died. Ross: (holding a dress out from inside the closet) This Ross: ...Chandler!
Aunt Lillian: She may have died? one? Chandler: Hey.
Mr. Geller: We're looking into it. Aunt Lillian: No. Ross: (hugs him) And listen, man, if you wanna be
(Monica returns with the nurse and they go into Ross: I have shown you everything we have. Unless you gay, be gay. Doesn't matter to me.
Nana's room.) want your mother to spend eternity in a lemon yellow Andrea: (turns to a friend) You were right. (They walk
Ross: I, uh, I'll go see. (He goes in) pant-suit, go with the burgundy. off and leave Chandler.)
Nurse: This almost never happens! Aunt Lillian: You know, whatever we pick, she would've Ross: Rachel. Rachel Rachel. (Sits down beside her) I
(Nana passes for the second time and the nurse told us it's the wrong one. love you the most.
pulls the blanket over her. Ross and Monica go to Mrs. Geller: You're right. We'll go with the burgundy. Rachel: (humouring him) Oh, well you know who I
tell the family) Ross: Oh! A fine choice. I'm coming out. (Starts to climb love the most?
Ross: Now she's passed. over the furniture) Ross: No.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, and Aunt Lillian: Wait! We need shoes! Rachel: You!
Rachel are there.] (Ross falls back inside) Ross: Oh.. you don't get it! (Passes out and slumps
Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my Ross: Okay. Um, how about these? (Holds out a pair) across her)
hair? Mrs. Geller: That's really a day shoe. (Cut to Joey watching TV in the corner. He makes an
Rachel: (exasperated) Yes, Chandler, that's Ross: And where she's going everyone else'll be dressier? extravagant gesture of disappointment.)
exactly what it is. It's your hair. Aunt Lillian: Could we see something in a slimmer heel? Mr. Geller: Whaddya got there?
Phoebe: Yeah, you have homosexual hair. Ross: (forages around) Okay, I have nothing in an evening Joey: (hides the TV, but he still has an earphone) Just
(Monica and Ross enter.) shoe in the burgundy. I can show you something in a silver a, uh... hearing disability.
Rachel: So, um, did she... that may work. Mr. Geller: What's the score?
Ross: Twice. Aunt Lillian: No, it really should be burgundy. Joey: Seventeen-fourteen Giants... three minutes to
Joey: Twice? Mrs. Geller: Mm. Unless we go with a different dress? go in the third.
Phoebe: Oh, that sucks! Ross: No! Nonono, wait a sec. I may have something in Mr. Geller: Beautiful! (Turns to watch with him)
Joey: You guys okay? the back. (Time lapse. A large crowd of men are now watching
Ross: I dunno, it's weird. I mean, I know she's (He finds a shoebox (out of shot), pulls it down and opens the game)
gone, but I just don't feel, uh... it. It is full of Sweet 'n' Lo's.) Rachel: (still trapped under Ross) Pheebs, could you
Phoebe: Maybe that's 'cause she's not really Ross: Oh my God.. maybe hand me a cracker?
gone. Mrs. Geller: Is everything all right, dear? Mrs. Geller: (to Monica) Your grandmother would
Ross: Nono, she's gone. Ross: Yeah, just... just Nana stuff. have hated this.
Monica: We checked. A lot. (He reaches up higher and knocks down another shoebox Monica: Well, sure, what with it being her funeral and
Phoebe: Hm, I mean maybe no-one ever really lid. Sweet 'n' Lo's rain down on him) all.
goes. Ever since my mom died, every now and Commercial Break Mrs. Geller: No, I'd be hearing about 'Why didn't I get
then, I get the feeling that she's like right here, [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are the honey-glazed ham?', I didn't spend enough on
y'know? (She circles her hand around her right preparing to leave for the funeral.] flowers, and if I spent more she'd be saying 'Why are
shoulder. Chandler, sitting on her right, draws Ross: (entering) How we doing, you guys ready? you wasting your money? I don't need flowers, I'm
back nervously) Oh! And Debbie, my best friend Monica: Mom already called this morning to remind me dead'.
from junior high- got struck by lightning on a not to wear my hair up. Did you know my ears are not my Monica: That sounds like Nana.
miniature golf course- I always get this really best feature? Mrs. Geller: Do you know what it's like to grow up
strong Debbie vibe whenever I use one of those Ross: Some days it's all I can think about. with someone who is critical of every single thing you
little yellow pencils, y'know? ...I miss her. Phoebe: (entering) Hi, sorry I'm late, I couldn't find my say?
Rachel: Aw. Hey, Pheebs, want this? (Gives her a bearings. Monica: ...I can imagine.
pencil) Rachel: Oh, you-you mean your earrings? Mrs. Geller: I'm telling you, it's a wonder your mother
Phoebe: Thanks! Phoebe: What'd I say? turned out to be the positive, life-affirming person that
Rachel: Sure. I just sharpened her this morning. Rachel: (sticking her foot out) Hm-m. she is.
Joey: Now, see, I don't believe any of that. I think Monica: Are these the shoes? Monica: That is a wonder. So tell me something, Mom.
once you're dead, you're dead! You're gone! Rachel: Yes. Paolo sent them from Italy. If you had to do it all over again, I mean, if she was
You're worm food! (realises his tactlessness) ...So Ross: What, we-uh- we don't have shoes here, or...? here right now, would you tell her?
Chandler looks gay, huh? Joey: (entering with Chandler) Morning. We ready to go? Mrs. Geller: Tell her what?
Phoebe: Y'know, I dunno who this is, but it's not Chandler: Well, don't we look nice all dressed up?...It's Monica: How she drove you crazy, picking on every
Debbie. (Hands back the pencil) stuff like that, isn't it? little detail, like your hair... for example.
[Scene: Nana's house, Ross, Mrs. Geller and Aunt (They all leave.) Mrs. Geller: I'm not sure I know what you're getting
Lillian are going through clothes.] [Scene: The cemetary, after the funeral.] at.
Ross: I thought it was gonna be a closed casket. Monica: It was a really beautiful service. Monica: Do you think things would have been better if
Mrs. Geller: Well, that doesn't mean she can't Mrs. Geller: It really was. Oh, c'mere, sweetheart. (Hugs you'd just told her the truth?
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Mrs. Geller: ...No. I think some things are better Phoebe: Hey. Thanksgiving dinner? What, what, what is it with you
left unsaid. I think it's nicer when people just get Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department. Are and this holiday?
along. you wearing makeup? Chandler: All right, I'm nine years old.
Monica: Huh. Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, Ross: Oh, I hate this story.
Mrs. Geller: More wine, dear? actor slash model. Chandler: We just finished this magnificent
Monica: Oh, I think so. Chandler: That's so funny, 'cause I was thinking you look Thanksgiving dinner. I have--and I remember this part
Mrs. Geller: (reaches out to fiddle with Monica's more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman. vividly--a mouthful of pumpkin pie, and this is the
hair again, and realises) Those earrings look really Phoebe: What were you modeling for? moment my parents choose to tell me they're getting
lovely on you. Joey: You know those posters for the city free clinic? divorced.
Monica: Thank you. They're yours. Monica: Oh, wow, so you're gonna be one of those Rachel: Oh my god.
Mrs. Geller: Actually they were Nana's. "healthy, healthy, healthy guys"? Chandler: Yes. It's very difficult to appreciate a
(There is a cry of disappointment from the crowd Phoebe: You know, the asthma guy was really cute. Thanksgiving dinner once you've seen it in reverse.
of men.) Chandler: Do you know which one you're gonna be? [Scene: The subway, Joey spots a gorgeous woman
Mr. Geller: Now I'm depressed! ...(To everyone) Joey: No, but I hear lyme disease is open, so... (crosses waiting. He goes up to her.]
Even more than I was. fingers) Joey: Uh, hi. We uh, we used to work together.
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang are looking at old Chandler: Good luck, man. I hope you get it. Girl: We did?
photos.] Joey: Thanks. Joey: Yeah, at Macy's. You were the Obsession girl,
Rachel: Hey, who's this little naked guy? (Ross comes back to the couch.) right? I was the Aramis guy. (pretends to spray
Ross: That little naked guy would be me. Ross: (to Monica) Well, you were right. How can they do cologne) Aramis? Aramis?
Rachel: Aww, look at the little thing. this to us, huh? It's Thanksgiving. Girl: Yeah, right.
Ross: Yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be Monica: Ok, I'll tell you what. How about I cook dinner at Joey: I gotta tell you. You're the best in the business.
grown-ups now? my place? I'll make it just like Mom's. Girl: Get out.
Chandler: Who are those people? Ross: Will you make the mashed potatoes with the lumps? Joey: I'm serious. You're amazing. You know when to
Ross: Got me. Monica: You know, they're not actually supposed to have... spritz, when to lay back.
Monica: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. (Ross looks at her sheepishly) I'll work on the lumps. Joey, Girl: Really? You don't know what that means to me.
(Reads the back) 'Me and the gang at Java Joe's'. you're going home, right? Joey: Ooh, you smell great tonight. What're you
Rachel: Wow, Monica, you look just like your Joey: Yeah. wearing?
grandmother. How old was she there? Monica: And I assume, Chandler, you are still boycotting Girl: (provocatively) Nothing.
Monica: Let's see, 1939... yeah, 24, 25? all the pilgrim holidays. Joey: Listen, uh, you wanna go get a drink or
Ross: Looks like a fun gang. (They all look at each Chandler: Yes, every single one of them. something?
other and smile) Monica: Phoebe, you're gonna be with your grandma? Girl: Yeah. (she gets up, notices something behind
Joey: Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I got Monica Phoebe: Yes, and her boyfriend. But we're celebrating Joey) Oh.
naked! Thanksgiving in December 'cause he is lunar. Joey: What's wrong?
Ross: (looking) Nono, that would be me again. Monica: So you're free Thursday, then. Girl: I just remembered, I have to do something.
I'm, uh, just trying something. Phoebe: Yeah. Oh, can I come? Joey: Oh. What?
Closing Credits Monica: Yeah. Rach, are you thinking you're gonna make Girl: Um, leave.
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is on a coffee it to Vail? Joey: Wait, wait, wait!
break as Lowell enters.] Rachel: Absolutely. Shoop, shoop, shoop. Only a hundred (Joey turns around and sees his face on a poster in the
Chandler: Hey, Lowell. and two dollars to go. subway. The poster says: What Mario isn't telling
Lowell: Hey, Chandler. Chandler: I thought it was $98.50. you...V.D., you never know who might have it. A
Chandler: So how's it going there in Financial Rachel: Yeah, well it was. I, I broke a cup. variety of scenes are shown with the poster displayed
Services? Ross: Well, I'm off to Carol's. all over New York City.)
Lowell: It's like Mardi Gras without the paper Phoebe: Ooh, ooh! Why don't we invite her? [Scene: Central Perk, Joey enters, amongst snickers
mache heads. How 'bout you? Ross: (mimicking) Ooh, ooh. Because she's my ex-wife, from the gang.]
Chandler: Good, good. Listen, heh, I dunno what and will probably want to bring her, ooh, ooh, lesbian life Joey: So I guess you all saw it.
Shelley told you about me, but, uh... I'm not. partner. Rachel: Saw what?
Lowell: I know. That's what I told her. [Scene: Carol and Susan's apartment, Susan is there. Ross Phoebe: No, we were just laughing. You know, how
Chandler: Really. enters.] laughter can be infectious.
Lowell: Yeah. Ross: Hi, is uh, is Carol here? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey enters, upset.]
Chandler: So- you can tell? Susan: No, she's at a faculty meeting. Joey: Set another place for Thanksgiving. My entire
Lowell: Pretty much, most of the time. We have a Ross: Oh, I uh, just came by to pick up my skull. Well, not family thinks I have VD.
kind of... radar. mine, but...Susan: Come in. Chandler: Tonight, on a very special Blossom.
Chandler: So you don't think I have a, a quality? Ross: Thanks. Yeah, Carol borrowed it for a class, and I Commercial Break
Lowell: Speaking for my people, I'd have to say have to get it back to the museum. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is cooking
no. By the way, your friend Brian from Payroll, he Susan: What's it look like? Thanksgiving dinner. Chandler is standing in the
is. Ross: Kinda like a big face without skin. doorway, not wanting to participate in the festivities.]
Chandler: He is? Susan: Yes, I'm familiar with the concept. We can just look Monica: Mmm, looking good. Ok, cider's mulling,
Lowell: Yup, and waaay out of your league. for it. turkey's turking, yams are yamming. (notices Ross is
(Exits) Ross: Ok. (browsing the apartment) Wow, you guys sure depressed) What?
Chandler: Out of my league. I could get a Brian. have a lot of books about bein' a lesbian. Ross: I don't know. It's just not the same without
(Brian enters behind him) If I wanted to get a Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Mom in the kitchen.
Brian, I could get a Brian. (Sees him) Hey, Brian. Otherwise, they don't let you do it. Monica: All right, that's it. You know what? Just get
End Ross: (picking up a book) Hey, hey, Yertle the Turtle. A out of my way and stop moping.
classic. Ross: That's closer.
109 The One Where Underdog Gets Away Susan: Actually, I'm reading it to the baby. (Rachel enters, excited.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is confronting her Ross: The uh, the baby that hasn't been born yet? Rachel: I got the tickets! I got the tickets! Five hours
boss, Terry.] Wouldn't that mean you're... crazy? from now, shoop, shoop, shoop.
Rachel: Terry, I, I, I know that I haven't worked Susan: What, you don't think they can hear sounds in Chandler: Oh, you must stop shooping.
here very long, but I was wondering, do you think there? Rachel: Ok, I'm gonna get my stuff.
it would be possible if I got a $100 advance in my Ross: You're not serious, I mean, you really... you really Joey: Chandler, will you just come in already?
salary? talk to it? Chandler: No, I prefer to keep a safe distance from all
Terry: An advance? Susan: Yeah, all the time. I want the baby to know my this merriment.
Rachel: It's so that I can spend Thanksgiving with voice. (Phoebe takes a slice of pumpkin pie and waves it in
my family. See, every year we go skiing in Vail, Ross: Do you uh, do you talk about me? front of Chandler's face.)
and normally my father pays for my ticket, but I Susan: Yeah, yeah, all the time. Phoebe: Look out, incoming pumpkin pie!
sort of started the whole independence thing, you Ross: Really? Chandler: Ok, we all laughed when you did it with the
know, which is actually why I took this job. Susan: But um, we just refer to you as Bobo the Sperm stuffing, but that's not funny anymore.
Terry: Rachel, Rachel, sweetheart. You're a Guy. (Chandler leaves.)
terrible, terrible waitress. Really, really awful. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there but Joey: Hey, Monica, I got a question. I don't see any
Rachel: Ok, I, I hear what you're sayin'. I'm with Rachel.] tater tots.
you. Um, but I, but I'm trying really hard. And I Ross: Look, if she's talking to it, I just think that I should Monica: That's not a question.
think I'm doing better. I really do. Does anybody get some belly time too. Not that I believe any of this. Joey: But my mom always makes them. It's like a
need coffee? (everyone in the place raises their Phoebe: Oh, I believe it. I think the baby can totally hear tradition. You get a little piece of turkey on your fork, a
hand) Oh, look at that. everything. I can show you. Look, this will seem a little little cranberry sauce, and a tot! It's bad enough I can't
Opening Credits weird, but you put your head inside this turkey, and then be with my family because of my disease.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is approaching a we'll all talk, and you'll hear everything we say. Monica: All right, fine. Tonight's potatoes will be both
customer.] Chandler: I'd just like to say that I'm totally behind this mashed with lumps, and in the form of tots.
Rachel: Excuse me, sir. Hi, you come in here all experiment. In fact, I'd very much like to butter your head. Ross: Ok, I'm off to talk to my unborn child.
time. I was just wondering, do you think there's a (Rachel enters.) (Ross grabs for some food, Monica slaps his hand
possibility that you could give me an advance on Monica: Hey, Rach, did you make your money? away.)
my tips? Rachel: No, not even close. Forget Vail, forget seeing my Monica: Ah!
Guy: Huh? family, forget shoop, shoop, shoop. Ross: Ok, Mom never hit.
Rachel: Ok, ok, that's fine. Fine. Hey, I'm sorry Monica: Rach, here's your mail. (Ross exits.)
about that spill before. (picks up the tip he leaves) Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table. Phoebe: (stirring pot) Ok, all done.
Only $98.50 to go. Monica: (insistently) No, here's your mail. Monica: What, Phoebe, did you whip the potatoes?
(Monica enters.) Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table. Ross needs lumps!
Monica: Hey. Ross, did you know Mom and Dad Monica: (gives her an envelope) Would you just open it? Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, oh, I just, I thought we could
are going to Puerto Rico for Thanksgiving? (Rachel opens it. Inside is the money she needed.) have them whipped and then add some peas and
Ross: No, they're not. Rachel: Oh my god, oh, you guys are great. onions.
Monica: Yes, they are. The Blymens invited them. Monica: We all chipped in. Monica: Why would we do that?
Ross: You're wrong. Joey: (to Monica) We did? Phoebe: Well, 'cause then they'd be like my mom
Monica: I am not wrong. Monica: (to Joey) You owe me 20 bucks. used to make them, you know, before she died.
Ross: You're wrong. Rachel: Thank you. Thank you so much! Monica: Ok, three kinds of potatoes coming up.
Monica: No, I just talked to them. Monica: (hands Chandler a bag) Chandler, here you go, Rachel: Ok, good-bye you guys. Thanks for
Ross: (getting up, upset) I'm calling Mom. got your traditional Thanksgiving feast, you got your everything. (she starts to leave, and hits everyone with
(Joey enters. His face looks abnormally colorful.) tomato soup, your grilled cheese fixin's, and your family her skis) Oh, sorry! Oh, sorry!
Joey: Hey, hey. size bag of Funyuns. (Chandler enters, running.)
Chandler: Hey. Rachel: Wait, wait, Chandler, this is what you're havin' for Chandler: The most unbelievable thing has happened.
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Underdog has just gotten away. Rachel: Because! is not there.]
Joey: The balloon? Monica: Why? Phoebe: So you guys, I'm doing all new material
Chandler: No, no, the actual cartoon character. Rachel: Because! tonight. I have twelve new songs about my mother's
Of course the balloon. It's all over the news. Right Monica: Why? Because everything is my responsibility? suicide, and one about a snowman.
before he reached Macy's, he broke free and was Isn't it enough that I'm making Thanksgiving dinner for Chandler: Might wanna open with the snowman.
spotted flying over Washington Square Park. I'm everyone? You know, everyone wants a different kind of (Enter Joey)
goin' to the roof, who's with me? potatoes, so I'm making different kinds of potatoes. Does All: Hey, Joey. Hey, buddy.
Rachel: I can't, I gotta go. anybody care what kind of potatoes I want? Nooooo, no, Monica: So, how'd it go?
Chandler: Come on. An 80-foot inflatable dog let no! (starting to cry) Just as long as Phoebe gets her peas Joey: Ahhhhhh, I didn't get the job.
loose over the city. How often does that happen? and onions, and Mario gets his tots, and it's my first Ross: How could you not get it? You were Santa last
Phoebe: Almost never. Thanksgiving, and it's all burned, and, and I... I... year.
Monica: Got the keys? or Got the keys! Chandler: Ok, Monica, only dogs can hear you now, so, Joey: I dunno. Some fat guy's sleeping with the store
Rachel: Ok. look, the door's open. Here we go. manager. He's not even jolly, it's all political.
(Everyone leaves the apartment.) (They walk in. Smoke fills the apartment.) Monica: So what are you gonna be?
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Ross is preparing to Monica: Well, the turkey's burnt. (checking pots) Potatoes Joey: Ah, I'm gonna be one of his helpers. It's just
talk to her belly.] are ruined, potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined. such a slap in the face, y'know?
Carol: Anytime you're ready. (Ross enters, singing.) Rachel: Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for
Ross: Ok, ok, here we go. (he crouches down Ross: Here we come, walkin' down the—this doesn't smell New Year's? (They all protest and hit her with cushions)
near her stomach) Ok, where am I talking to, here? like Mom's. Gee, what?! What is wrong with New Year's?
I mean, uh, well, there is one way that seems to Monica: No, it doesn't, does it? But you wanted lumps, Chandler: Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't
offer a certain acoustical advantage, but... Ross? (picks up the pan of badly burnt potatoes) Well, here have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday:
Carol: Just aim for the bump. you go, buddy, ya got one. desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so
Ross: Ok, ok, ok, ok, here goes. You know, I, you Rachel: Oh, god, this is great! The plane is gone, so it you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops!!
know, can't do this. Uh, this is too weird. I feel looks like I'm stuck here with you guys. Man, I'm talking loud!
stupid. Joey: Hey, we all had better plans. This was nobody's first Rachel: Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be
Carol: So don't do it, it's fine. You don't have to do choice. in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the
it just because Susan does it. Monica: Oh, really? So why was I busting my ass to make rest of you.
Ross: (quickly talking) Hello, baby. Hello, hello. this delicious Thanksgiving dinner? Phoebe: Yeah, you wish!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the group is coming Joey: You call that delicious? Chandler: It's just that I'm sick of being a victim of
back from the roof.] (all shouting) this Dick Clark holiday. I say this year, no dates, we
Rachel: I loved the moment when you first saw Monica: Stop it, stop it, stop it! make a pact. Just the six of us- dinner.
the giant dog shadow all over the park. Chandler: Now this feels like Thanksgiving. All: Yeah, okay. Alright.
Phoebe: Yeah, but did they have to shoot him [Time lapse. Everyone is upset with each other. Phoebe is Chandler: Y'know, I was hoping for a little more
down? I mean, that was just mean. at the window.] enthusiasm.
Monica: Ok, right about now the turkey should be Phoebe: Ooh. All: Woooo! Yeah!
crispy on the outside, juicy on the inside. Why are Rachel: What? Rachel: Phoebe, you're on.
we standing here? Phoebe: Ugly Naked Guy's taking his turkey out of the Phoebe: Oh, oh, good.
Rachel: We're waiting for you to open the door. oven. Oh my god. He's not alone. Ugly Naked Guy's having Rachel: (Into microphone) Okay, hi. Ladies and
You got the keys. Thanksgiving dinner with Ugly Naked Gal. gentlemen, back by popular demand, Miss Phoebe
Monica: No I don't. (They all run to the window.) Buffay. Wooh!
Rachel: Yes, you do. When we left, you said, "got Joey: I've gotta see this. All right Ugly Naked Guy! Phoebe: (Takes mike) Thanks, hi. Um, I wanna start
the keys." Monica: Ooh, Ugly Naked Dancing! with a song that means a lot to me this time of year.
Monica: No I didn't. I asked, "got the ke-eys?" Phoebe: It's nice that he has someone. (Shakes bell as an introduction) (Sung:)
Rachel: No, no, no, you said, "got the keys". [Time lapse. The gang is around the table, eating grilled I made a man with eyes of coal
Chandler: Do either of you have the keys? cheese sandwiches.] And a smile so bewitchin',
Monica: (panicked) The oven is on. Chandler: Shall I carve? How was I supposed to know
Rachel: Oh, I gotta get my ticket! Rachel: By all means. That my mom was dead in the kitchen?
Joey: Wait, wait, we have a copy of your key. Chandler: Ok, who wants light cheese, and who wants (shakes bell) La lalala la la la la lalala la la...
Monica: Well then get it, get it! dark cheese? (Cut to later. Everyone is totally depressed by now.)
Joey: That tone will not make me go any faster. Ross: I don't even wanna know about the dark cheese. Phoebe: (Sung)
Monica: (angry) Joey! Monica: (holding sandwich) Does anybody wanna split ...My mother's ashes
Joey: That one will. this with me? Even her eyelashes
(Joey leaves to get the copy of the key.) Joey: Oh, I will. Are resting in a little yellow jar,
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Carol is reading, Ross is Phoebe: Ooh, you guys have to make a wish. And sometimes when it's breezy...
talking to her stomach.] Monica: Make a wish? (Over the sound of Phoebe singing we hear two
Ross: And everyone's telling me, you gotta pick a Phoebe: Come on, you know, Thanksgiving. Ooh, you got scientists, Max and David, having a noisy discussion)
major, you gotta pick a major. So, on a dare, I the bigger half. What'd you wish for? Phoebe: (Sung)
picked paleontology. And you have no idea what Joey: The bigger half. ...I feel a little sneezy
I'm saying, because, let's face it, you're a fetus. Chandler: I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast here, And now I- (abruptly stops)
You're just happy you don't have gills anymore. ding ding. I know this isn't the kind of Thanksgiving that all Excuse me, excuse me! Yeah, noisy boys! (They stop
Carol: Look, you don't have to talk to it. You can of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, talking and look up) Is it something that you would like
sing to it if you want. you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or to share with the entire group?
Ross: Oh, please. I am not singing to your projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if Max: No. No, that's- that's okay.
stomach, ok? you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family, Phoebe: Well, c'mon, if it's important enough to
(Susan enters.) if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all discuss while I'm playing, then I assume it's important
Susan: Hi, how's it goin? together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is enough for everyone else to hear!
Ross: Shh! (singing) Here we come, walkin' down that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings Chandler: (Quietly, to the others) That guy's going
the street, get the funniest looks from, everyone sucked. home with a note!
we meet. Hey, hey! (to Carol) Hey, uh, did you just All: That's so sweet. David: Noth- I was- I was just saying to my-
feel that? Ross: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas. Phoebe: Could you speak up please?
Carol: I did. Rachel: And a crappy New Year. David: (Stands up and speaks more loudly) Sorry, I
Ross: Does it always, uh--? Chandler: Here, here! wa- I was just saying to my friend that I thought you
Carol: No, no that was the first. Closing Credits were the most beautiful woman that I'd ever seen in
Susan: Keep singing! Keep singing! [Scene: The Subway, Joey sees his poster and he peels off my- in my life. And then he said that- you said you
Ross: (singing) Hey, hey, you're my baby, and I the caption on his poster, revealing more posters thought
can't wait to meet you. When you come out I'll buy underneath. The captions read, as follows: Max: Daryl Hannah.
you a bagel, and then we'll go to the zoo. Bladder Control Problem David: Daryl Hannah was the most beautiful woman
Susan: I felt it! Stop Wife Beating that he'd ever seen in his life and I said yeah, I liked
Ross: (singin) Hey, hey, I'm your daddy. I'm the Hemorrhoids? her in Splash, a lot, but not so much in- in Wall Street,
one without any breasts. Winner of 3 Tony Awards... I thought she had kind of a
[Scene: The Hallway, Joey has a tray full of keys, He's finally happy with that and walks away.] Max: Hard quality.
and is trying each one in the lock.] End David: -hard quality. And uh, while Daryl Hannah is
Joey: Nope, not that one. beautiful in a conventional way, you are luminous with
Monica: Can you go any faster with that? 110 The One With the Monkey a kind of a delicate grace. Then, uh, that-that-that's
Joey: Hey, I got one keyhole and about a zillion when you started yelling. (Sits down)
keys. You do the math. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.] Phoebe: Okay, we're gonna take a short break. (Goes
Monica: Why do you guys have so many keys in Ross: Guys? There's a somebody I'd like you to meet. over to their table)
there anyway? (A monkey jumps on to his shoulder.) Joey: Hey, that guy's going home with more than a
Chandler: (sarcastic) For an emergency just like All: Oooh! note!
this. Monica: W-wait. What is that? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey is
Rachel: (grabs Chandler by the shirt) All right, Ross: 'That' would be Marcel. You wanna say hi? decorating for Christmas.]
listen, smirky. If it wasn't for you and your stupid Monica: No, no, I don't. Ross: Come here, Marcel. Sit here. (Marcel wanders
balloon, I would be on a plane watching a woman Rachel: Oh, he is precious! Where did you get him? off)
do this (makes a gesture like a stewardess Ross: My friend Bethel rescued him from some lab. Rachel: Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kissed you
pointing out exits) right now. But I'm not. Phoebe: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent name yet. I mean God, by my sixth date with Paolo, I mean
Monica: I swear you said you had the keys. their child Bethel? he had already named both my breasts! ...Ooh. Did I
Rachel: No, I didn't. I wouldn't say I had the keys Chandler: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on its ass! just share too much?
unless I had the keys, and I obviously didn't have Monica: Ross, is he gonna live with you, like, in your Ross: Just a smidge.
the keys. apartment? Phoebe: David's like, y'know, Scientist Guy. He's very
Phoebe: Ooh, ok, that's it. Enough with the keys. Ross: Yeah. I mean, it's been kinda quiet since Carol left, methodical.
No one say keys. so... Monica: I think it's romantic.
(Short pause.) Monica: Why don't you just get a roommate? Phoebe: Me too! Oh! Did you ever see An Officer and
Monica: Why would I have the keys? Ross: Nah, I dunno... I think you reach a certain age, a Gentleman?
Rachel: Aside from the fact that you said you had having a roommate is kinda pathe- (Realises) ....sorry, Rachel: Yeah!
them? that's, that's 'pathet', which is Sanskrit for 'really cool way Phoebe: Well, he's kinda like the guy I went to see
Monica: But I didn't. to live'. that with. Except, except he-he's smarter, and gentler,
Rachel: Well, you should have. Opening Credits and sweeter... I just- I just wanna be with him all the
Monica: Why? [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is getting ready to sing. Joey time. Day and night, and night and day... and special
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occasions... Ross: Five. (Buries his head in his hands) first. And then the next thing I know she just starts-
Chandler: Wait a minute, wait a minute, I see Rachel: Sorry. Paolo's catching an earlier flight. starts pulling me out by my hair! So I'm blowing my
where this is going, you're gonna ask him to New Joey: Yeah, and I met this really hot single mom at the attack whistle thingy and three more cabs show up,
Year's, aren't you. You're gonna break the pact. store. What's an elf to do? and as I'm going to get into a cab she tackles me. And
She's gonna break the pact. Ross: Okay, so I'm gonna be the only one standing there I hit my head on the kerb and cut my lip on my
Phoebe: No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, could I alone when the ball drops? whistle...oh...everybody having fun at the party? (To
just? Rachel: Oh, c'mon. We'll have, we'll have a big party, and Monica) Are people eating my dip?
Chandler: Yeah, 'cause I already asked Janice. no-one'll know who's with who. [Time lapse. Monica and Rachel, fixed up somewhat,
Monica: What?! Ross: Hey, y'know, this is so not what I needed right now. emerge from a bedroom]
Ross: C'mon, this was a pact! This was your pact! Monica: What's the matter? Sandy: Y'know, when I saw you at the store last week,
Chandler: I snapped, okay? I couldn't handle the Ross: Oh, it's-it's Marcel. He keeps shutting me out, it was probably the first time I ever mentally undressed
pressure and I snapped. y'know? He's walking around all the time dragging his an elf.
Monica: Yeah, but Janice? That-that was like the hands... Joey: Wow, that's, uh, dirty.
worst breakup in history! Chandler: That's so weird, I had such a blast with him the Sandy: Yeah.
Chandler: I'm not saying it was a good idea, I'm other night. (They almost kiss and then Joey realises her kids are
saying I snapped! Ross: Really. staring at them)
[Joey enters, his shoes have bells on, which jingle Chandler: Yeah, we played, we watched TV.. that juggling Joey: Hey, kids...
as he walks. He is wearing a long coat.] thing is amazing. Ross: (Watching Marcel play with Phoebe. To
Joey: Hi. Hi, sorry I'm late. Ross: What, uh... what juggling thing? Chandler) Look at him. I'm not saying he has to spend
(He removes the coat to reveal an elf costume) Chandler: With the balled-up socks? I figured you taught the whole evening with me, but at least check in.
Chandler: Too many jokes... must mock Joey! him that. Janice: (Startles them) There you are! Haaah, you got
Joey: Nice shoes, huh? (He wiggles his foot and Ross: No. away from me!
the bells tinkle) Chandler: Y'know, it wasn't that big a deal. He just balled Chandler: (Imitating) But you found me!
Chandler: Aah, y'killing me! up socks... and a melon... Janice: Here, Ross, take our picture. (Hands him a
(Marcel knocks over some kitchen tools) (Max runs in) camera and he starts snapping) Smile! You're on
Monica: Ross! He's playing with my spatulas Max: Phoebe. Hi. Janice Camera!
again! Phoebe: Oh, hi Max! Hey, do you know everybody? Chandler: Kill me. Kill me now.
Ross: Okay, look, he's not gonna hurt them, Max: No. Have you seen David? (Someone else knocks on the door. Monica looks
right? Phoebe: No, no, he hasn't been around. through the spyhole)
Monica: Do you always have to bring him here? Max: Well, if you see him, tell him to pack his bags. We are Monica: Hey everybody! It's Fun Bobby!
Ross: I didn't wanna leave him alone. Alright? going to Minsk. (Everyone cheers. Monica opens the door. Bobby is
We- we had our first fight this morning. I think it Phoebe: Minsk? obviously very depressed)
has to do with my working late. I said some things Max: Minsk. It's in Russia. Fun Bobby: Hey, sorry I'm late. But my, uh,
that I didn't mean, and he- he threw some Phoebe: I know where Minsk is. grandfather, he- died about two hours ago. But I-I-I
faeces... Max: We got the grant. Three years, all expenses paid. couldn't get a flight out 'til tomorrow, so here I am!
Chandler: Y'know, if you're gonna work late, I Phoebe: So when, when do you leave? Joey: (Approaching) Hey Fun Bobby! Whoah! Who
could look in on him for you. Max: January first. died?
Ross: Oh, that'd be great! Okay, but if you do, Commercial Break (Monica gestures wildly behind Fun Bobby's back)
make sure it seems like you're there to see him, [Scene: Max and David's lab, they are working. Phoebe [Time lapse. Bobby is talking about his grandfather.
okay, and you're not like doing it as a favour to knocks on the door] Everyone else is virtually in tears]
me. Phoebe: Hello? Fun Bobby: It's gonna be an open casket, y'know, so
Chandler: Okay, but if he asks, I'm not going to David: Hey! at least I'll- I get to see him again.
lie. Phoebe: Hi. Janice: (Ross is still taking their photo) Oh, I'm gonna
[Scene: Max and David's lab, David is explaining David: Hi! (Kisses her) What-what're you doing here? blow this one up, and I'm gonna write 'Reunited' in
something to Phoebe with the aid of a Phoebe: Um, well, Max told me about Minsk, so (Puts on a glitter.
whiteboard.] fake cheery voice) congratulations! This is so exciting! Chandler: Alright, Janice, that's it! Janice... Janice...
David: ...But, you can't actually test this theory, Max: It'd be even more exciting if we were going. Hey, Janice, when I invited you to this party I didn't
because today's particle accelerators are nowhere Phoebe: Oh, you're not going? (Fake disappointed voice) necessarily think that it meant that we-
near powerful enough to simulate these Oh, why? Janice: Oh, no. Oh, no.
conditions. Max: Tell her, David. 'I don't wanna go to Minsk and work Chandler: I'm sorry you misunderstood...
Phoebe: Okay, alright, I have a question, then. with Lifson and Yamaguchi and Flench, on Janice: Oh my God. You listen to me, Chandler, you
David: Yuh. nonononononono. I wanna stay here and make out with listen to me. One of these times is just gonna be your
Phoebe: Um, were you planning on kissing me my girlfriend!!' (Storms out) last chance with me. (She runs off)
ever? David: Thank you, Max. Thank you. (Ross is still taking photos)
David: Uh, that's definitely a, uh, valid question. Phoebe: So-so you're really not going? Chandler: Oh, will you give me the thing. (Snatches
And, uh, the answer would be (Writes YES on the David: I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I the camera)
board) yes. Yes I was. But, see, I wanted it to be just- you decide. (David is feeding Phoebe popcorn. Max walks up)
this phenomenal kiss that happened at this Phoebe: Oh don't do that. Phoebe: Hi, Max!
phenomenal moment, because, well, 'cause it's David: Please. Max: Yoko. (To David) I've decided to go to Minsk
you. Phoebe: Oh no no. without you.
Phoebe: Sure. David: No, but I'm asking- David: Wow.
David: Right. But, see, the longer I waited, the Phoebe: Oh, but I can't do that- Max: It won't be the same- but it'll still be Minsk.
more phenomenal the kiss had to be, and now David: No, but I can't- Happy New Year.(Walks off)
we've reached a place where it's just gotta be one Phoebe: It's your thing, and- Phoebe: Are you alright?
of those things where I just like... sweep David: -make the decision- David: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.
everything off the table and throw you down on it. Phoebe: Okay, um, stay. (Phoebe leads David into a bedroom)
And, uh, I'm not really a, uh, sweeping sorta fella. David: Stay. Phoebe: You're going to Minsk.
Phoebe: Oh, David, I, I think you are a sweeping Phoebe: Stay. David: No, I'm... not going to Minsk.
sorta fella. I mean, you're a sweeper! ...trapped (He thinks for a moment and sweeps the stuff off the table) Phoebe: Oh, you are so going to Minsk. You belong in
inside a physicist's body. Phoebe: Getting so good at that! (She hops on) Minsk. You can't stay here just 'cause of me.
David: Rrrreally. David: It was Max's stuff. (They kiss) David: Yes I can. Because if I go it means I have to
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, oh, I'm sure of it. You should [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the party has started.] break up with you, and I can't break up with you.
just do it, just sweep and throw me. Janice: I love this artichoke thing! Oh, don't tell me what's Phoebe: Oh yes, yes, yes you can. Just say, um,
David: ...Now? Now? in it, the diet starts tomorrow! (Laughs her Janice laugh) 'Phoebe, my work is my life and that's what I have to
Phoebe: Oh yeah, right now. Chandler: You remember Janice. do right now'. And I say 'your work?! Your work?! How
David: Okay, okay, okay. (Gets ready to sweep, Monica: Vividly. can you say that?!'. And then you say, um, 'it's tearing
and then picks up a laptop computer) Y'know what, (Someone knocks on the door; Monica gets it) me apart, but I have no choice. Can't you understand
this was just really expensive. (Puts it down Monica: Hi. that?'. And I say (Hits him) 'no! No! I can't understand
elsewhere. Then picks up a microscope) And I'll Sandy: Hi, I'm Sandy. that!'.
take- this was a gift. (Moves it) Joey: Sandy! Hi! C'mon in! (She enters, followed by a David: Uh, ow.
Phoebe: Okay, now you're just kinda tidying. young boy and a younger girl)...You brought your kids. Phoebe: Ooh, sorry. Um, and, and then you put your
David: Okay, what the hell, what the hell. Sandy: Yeah. That's okay, right? arms around me. And then you put your arms around
(Sweeps the remaining papers off the desk and (Joey and Monica look at each other and shrug. Ross me. (He does so) And, um, and then you tell me that
grabs Phoebe) You want me to actually throw you enters with Marcel on his shoulder) you love me and you'll never forget me.
or you-you wanna just hop? Ross: Par-tay! David: I'll never forget you.
Phoebe: I can hop. (She hops onto the table) Monica: That thing is not coming in here. Phoebe: And then you say that it's almost midnight
(They kiss, finally) Ross: 'That thing'? This is how you greet guests at a party? and you have to go because you don't wanna start the
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.] Let me ask you something, if I showed up here with my new year with me if you can't finish it. (They kiss) I'm
Ross: So tell me something. What does the new girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome in your home? gonna miss you. You scientist guy.
phrase 'no date pact' mean to you? Monica: I'm guessing your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate Dick Clark: (on TV) Hi, this is Dick Clark, live in Times
Monica: I'm sorry, okay. It's just that Chandler on my coffee table. Square. We're in a virtual snowstorm of confetti here in
has somebody, and Phoebe has somebody- I Ross: Okay. He was more embarrassed about that than Times Square...
thought I'd ask Fun Bobby. anyone. Okay? And for him to have the courage to walk (Joey puts a blanket over Sandy's kids)
Chandler: Fun Bobby? Your ex-boyfriend Fun back in here like nothing happened... Joey: There y'go, kids.
Bobby? Monica: Alright. Just keep him away from me. Chandler: (To a woman who he has clearly just met)
Monica: Yeah. Ross: Thank you. (She walks off) C'mon, Marcel, whaddya And then the peacock bit me. (Laughs) Please kiss me
Joey: You know more than one Fun Bobby? say you and I do a little mingling? (Marcel runs off) Alright, at midnight. (She leaves)
Chandler: I happen to know a Fun Bob. I'll, uh... catch up with you later. Joey: You seen Sandy?
Rachel: (Brings Joey a mug of coffee) Okay, here (The door opens. Rachel is standing there. Her coat is Chandler: Ooh. Uh, I don't know how to tell you this,
we go... muddy and torn, her hair is dishevelled and her face is but she's in Monica's bedroom, getting it on with Max,
Joey: Ooh ooh ooh ooh, there's no room for milk! bruised. Everyone turns to look) that scientist geek. Ooh, look at that, I did know how
Rachel: (Glances at Joey and then sips his coffee) Monica: Oh my gosh! Rachel, honey.. are you okay? to tell you.
There. Now there is. Where-where's Paolo? Rachel: Vrrbddy, the bll is drrbing.
Ross: Okay, so on our no-date evening, three of Rachel: Rome. Jerk missed his flight. All: (in the kitchen) What?
you now have dates. Phoebe: And then... your face is bloated? Rachel: The bll is drrbing!
Joey: Uh, four. Rachel: No. Okay. I was at the airport, getting into a cab, Dick Clark: (on TV) In twenty seconds it'll be
Ross: Four. when this woman- this blonde planet with a pocketbook- midnight...
Rachel: Five. starts yelling at me. Something about how it was her cab Chandler: And the moment of joy is upon us.
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Joey: Looks like that no date pact thing worked Cinemax. the toilet behind him and he tries to pretend he was in
out. Rachel: No way, forget it. the other one)
Phoebe: Everybody looks so happy. I hate that. Joey: C'mon, she's your mom! Mrs. Bing: What is with you tonight?
Monica: Not everybody's happy. Hey Bobby! Chandler: Exactly. Weekend At Bernie's! Dead guy getting Ross: Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.
(Bobby waves and then bursts into tears. Midnight hit in the groin twenty, thirty times! No? Mrs. Bing: (To phone) Okay, thank you. (To Ross) It's
comes and everyone at the party except for the Rachel: Chandler, I gotta tell you, I love your mom's the Italian Hand-Licker, isn't it.
gang cheers and kisses) books! I love her books! I cannot get on a plane without Ross: No. It's the one he's licking.
Chandler: Y'know, I uh.. just thought I'd throw one! I mean, this is so cool! Mrs. Bing: She's supposed to be with you.
this out here. I'm no math whiz, but I do believe Chandler: Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if Ross: You're good.
there are three girls and three guys right here. you're eleven years old and all your friends are passing Mrs. Bing: Oh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold a
(Makes kiss noise) around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch.' hundred million copies of my books, and y'know why?
Phoebe: I dunno. I don't feel like kissing anyone Ross: C'mon, Chandler, I love your mom. I think she's a Ross: The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?
tonight. blast. Mrs. Bing: No. Because I know how to write men that
Rachel: I can't kiss anyone. Chandler: You can say that because she's not your mom. women fall in love with. Believe me, I cannot sell a
Monica: So I'm kissing everyone? Ross: Oh, please... Paolo. People will not turn three hundred twenty-five
Joey: Nonono, you can't kiss Ross, that's your (Rachel opens the door to Paolo) pages for a Paolo. C'mon, the guy's a secondary
brother. Paolo: Bona sera. character, a, y'know, complication you eventually kill
Ross: Perfect. Perfect. So now everybody's Rachel: Oh, hi sweetie. (They kiss) off.
getting kissed but me. Ross: When did Rigatoni get back from Rome? Ross: When?
Chandler: Alright, somebody kiss me. Somebody Monica: Last night. Mrs. Bing: He's not a hero. ...You know who our hero
kiss me, it's midnight! Somebody kiss me! Ross: Ah, so then his plane didn't explode in a big ball of is.
Joey: Alrightalrightalright. (Kisses him. Ross takes fire?... Just a dream I had- but, phew. Ross: The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?
a photo) There. Phoebe: Hey hey hey! She's on! Mrs. Bing: No, it's you!
Closing Credits Paolo: Ah! Nora Bing! Ross: Please.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time lapse.] Jay Leno: (on TV) ...Now what is this about you-you being Mrs. Bing: No, really, c'mon. You're smart, you're
Ross: (Watching Marcel and talking to Rachel) I arrested i-in London? What is that all about? sexy...
wanted this to work so much. I mean I'm still in Phoebe: Your mom was arrested? Ross: Right.
there, changing his diapers, pickin' his fleas... but Chandler: Shhh, busy beaming with pride. Mrs. Bing: You are gonna be fine, believe me.
he's just phoning it in. Just so hard to accept the Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...This is kind of embarrassing, but (She kisses him on the cheek)
fact that something you love so much doesn't love occasionally after I've been intimate with a man... Ross: Uh-oh...
you back. Chandler: Now why would she say that's embarrassing? (...Then full on the mouth)
Rachel: ...I think that bitch cracked my tooth. All: Shhh. (Enter Joey)
End Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...I just get this craving for Kung Pow Joey: Uhhhh.... I'll just pee in the street.
Chicken. Commercial Break
111 The One With Mrs. Bing Chandler: THAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the next morning. Joey is
Jay Leno: (on TV) Alright, so now you're doing this whole getting the door in his dressing gown—it's Ross.]
[Scene: A Street: Monica and Phoebe are walking book tour thing, how is that going? Ross: Hey, is Chandler here?
to a newsstand.] Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh, fine. I'm leaving for New York Joey: Yeah.
Phoebe: Do you think they have yesterday's daily tomorrow, which I hate- but I get to see my son, who I (Ross drags Joey into the hall and slams the door)
news? love... Ross: Okay, uh, about last night, um, Chandler.. you
Monica: Why? All: Awww! didn't tell... (Joey shakes his head) Okay, 'cause I'm
Phoebe: Just wanna check my horoscope, see if it Chandler: This is the way that I find out. Most moms use thinking- we don't need to tell Chandler, I mean, it was
was right. the phone. just a kiss, right? One kiss? No big deal? Right?
Monica: Oh my God. (Grabs Phoebe and turns her Jay Leno: (on TV) Y'know, don't take this wrong, I-I just Joey: Right. No big deal.
away) Phoebe. Don't look now, but behind us is a don't see you a-as a mom, somehow.. I don't mean that, I Ross: Okay.
guy who has the potential to break our hearts and don't mean that bad... Joey: In Bizarro World!! You broke the code!
plunge us into a pit of depression. Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh no, I am a fabulous mom! I bought Ross: What code?
Phoebe: Where? (Turns to face him) Ooh, come my son his first condoms. Joey: You don't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters are
to Momma. (The gang turn to look at Chandler) okay, maybe a hot-lookin' aunt... but not a mom, never
Monica: He's coming. Be cool, be cool, be cool. Chandler: ...And then he burst into flames. a mom!
(The guy walks past them) [Scene: The Hospital, it's a montage of Monica and (Chandler opens the door and startles them. He picks
Guy: Nice hat. Phoebe's visit to the hospital with My Guy playing in the up the paper)
Monica and Phoebe: (in unison) Thanks. background. It starts with Monica reading a newspaper to Chandler: What are you guys doing out here?
(The guy walks on) him.] Ross: Uh.. uh.. Well, Joey and I had discussed getting
Phoebe: We should do something. Whistle. Monica: Let's see. Congress is debating a new deficit in an early morning racquetball game. But, um,
Monica: We are not going to whistle. reduction bill... the mayor wants to raise subway fares apparently, somebody overslept.
Phoebe: Come on, do it. again... the high today was forty-five... and- oh, teams Joey: Yeah, well, you don't have your racket.
Monica: No! played sports. Ross: No, no I don't, because it's being restrung,
Phoebe: Do it! [Next is a shot of them dragging an enormous plant into somebody was supposed to bring me one.
Monica: No! the room, then Monica knitting a sweater, then Phoebe Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip
Phoebe: Do it do it do it! singing, then Phoebe shaving him and chatting to Monica] size.
Monica: (Shouts to the guy) Woo-woo! Phoebe: What about Glen? He could be a Glen. Chandler: Okay, you guys spend waaaay too much
(The guy turns round, startled. Monica points to Monica: Nah... not-not special enough. time together. (Goes back inside and shuts the door)
Phoebe. The guy gets hit by a truck) Phoebe: Ooh! How about Agamemnon? Ross: Okay, I'm scum, I'm scum.
Phoebe: I can't believe you did that! Monica: Waaay too special. Joey: Ross, how could you let this happen?
Opening Credits [Scene: A Mexican Restaurant, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Ross: I don't know, God, I... well, it's not like she's a
[Scene: Hospital, the guy is in a coma and Mon Chandler and his mom are there.] regular mom, y'know? She's, she's sexy, she's...
and Pheebs are visiting.] Mrs. Bing: I am famished. What do I want... (Looks at Joey: You don't think my mom's sexy?
Monica: Why did I 'woo-hoo'? I mean, what was I Chandler's menu) Ross: Well... not in the same way...
hoping would happen? That-that he'd turn round Chandler: Please God don't let it be Kung Pow Chicken. Joey: I'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani was a
and say 'I love that sound, I must have you now'? Mrs. Bing: Oh, you watched the show! What'd you think? handsome woman in her day, alright? You think it's
Phoebe: I just wish there was something we Chandler: Well, I think you need to come out of your shell easy giving birth to seven children?
could do. (Bends down and talks to him) Hello. just a little. Ross: Okay, I think we're getting into a weird area
Hello, Coma Guy. GET UP, YOU GIRL SCOUT! UP! Ross: (Entering) What is this dive? Only you could've here...
UP! UP! picked this place. (Monica and Rachel's door opens and Rachel and Paolo
Monica: Phoebe, what are you doing? Mrs. Bing: Oooh, c'mon, shut up, it's fun. Gimme a hug. emerge)
Phoebe: Maybe nobody's tried this. (They both sit down) Well, I think we're ready for some Rachel: Hey.
Monica: I wish we at least knew his name... Look tequila. Ross: Hey.
at that face. I mean, even sleeping, he looks smart. Chandler: I know I am. Rachel: What're you guys doing out here?
I bet he's a lawyer. Mrs. Bing: Who's doing shots? Ross: Well, not playing raquetball!
Phoebe: Yeah, but did you see the dents in his Monica: Yeah. Joey: He forgot to leave his grip size!
knuckles? That means he's artistic. Phoebe: I'm in. Ross: He didn't get the goggles!
Monica: Okay, he's a lawyer, who teaches Mrs. Bing: There y'go. Ross? Rachel: Well,sounds like you two have issues.
sculpting on the side. And- he can dance! Ross: Uh, I'm not really a shot drinking kinda guy. (She and Paolo walk a little way down the hall)
Phoebe: Oh! And, he's the kinda guy who, when (Enter Rachel and Paolo. They are both somewhat Rachel: Goodbye, baby.
you're talking, he's listening, y'know, and not flustered) Paolo: Ciao, bela.
saying 'Yeah, I understand' but really wondering Rachel: Hi! Sorry- sorry we're late, we, uh, kinda just, (They kiss. Ross is watching them)
what you look like naked. y'know, lost track of time. Ross: Do they wait for me to do this?
Monica: I wish all guys could be like him. Ross: ...But a man can change. (Downs a shot) (Joey and Ross go into Monica and Rachel's
Phoebe: I know. [Time lapse. Ross is now clearly drunk. He is holding up a apartment)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe shot glass to his eye like a jeweller's eye.] Joey: So are you gonna tell him?
are telling everyone about their coma guy.] Ross: Anyone want me to appraise anything? Ross: Why would I tell him?
Chandler: Are there no conscious men in the city (Rachel feeds something to Paolo. He eats it and licks her Joey: How about 'cause if you don't, his mother might.
for you two? hand) Ross: Oh...
Monica: He doesn't have anyone. Rachel: Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I've read everything Monica: (Entering) What are you guys doing here?
Phoebe: Yeah, we-we feel kinda responsible. you've ever written. No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Joey: Uhhhh.... he's not even wearing a jockstrap!
Joey: I can't believe you said woowoo. I don't Euphoria at Midnight, all I wanted to do was become a Monica: ...What did I ask?
even say woowoo. writer. [Scene: Hospital. Phoebe is there stroking Coma Guy's
Rachel: Oh, she's coming up! She's coming up! Mrs. Bing: Oh, please, honey, listen, if I can do it, hair, when Monica enters with a bunch of balloons.]
(Turns on the TV) anybody can. You just start with half a dozen European Monica: Hi.
Jay Leno: (on TV) Folks, when we come back cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia, and Phoebe: Hi.
we'll be talking about her new book, 'Euphoria bam! You have got yourself a book. Monica: What are you doing here?
Unbound': the always interesting Nora Tyler Bing. Chandler: Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen. Phoebe: Nothing, I just thought I'd stop by.. y'know,
You might wanna put the kids to bed for this one. [Cut to Mrs. Bing on the telephone.] after the uh... that I.. y'know, so what are you doing
(Everyone has settled down to watch, except Mrs. Bing: Yeah, any messages for room 226? here?
Chandler) (Ross emerges from a toilet marked 'Chicas') Monica: I'm not really here. Just thought I'd drop
Chandler: Y'know, we don't have to watch this. Mrs. Bing: You okay there, slugger? these off...on the way.. my way... Do you come here a
Weekend At Bernie's is on Showtime, HBO, and Ross: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (A woman emerges from lot? Without me?
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Phoebe: No. (Monica brushes Coma Guy's hair in Ross: Chandler, can I just say something? I-I know you're Chandler: Nice save.
the other direction) No! No! ...So, um, do you think still mad at me, I just wanna say that there were two (She walks down the hall)
he's doing any better than he was this morning? people there that night. Okay? Two sets of lips. Ross: (Very politely) Mrs. Bing.
Monica: How would I know? I-I wasn't here. Chandler: Yes, well, I expect this from her. Okay? She's Mrs. Bing: Mr. Geller.
Phoebe: Really? Not even to, um, change his always been a Freudian nightmare. (She leaves)
PAJAMAS?! (Whips back the sheet to reveal him Ross: Okay, well, if she always behaves like this, why don't (Ross knocks on Monica and Rachel's door)
wearing new pajamas.) you say something? Chandler: Hey.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is talking to Chandler: Because it's complicated, it's complex- Hey, Ross: You mean that?
Chandler. Joey is making a snack at the bar.] you kissed my mom! Chandler: Yeah, why not. (They shake hands) So I
Chandler: Oh my God. (People turn to look) told her.
Ross: You're my friend. I-I had to tell you. Ross: (To the rest of Central Perk) We're rehearsing a Ross: Yeah? How'd it go?
Chandler: I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my Greek play. Chandler: Awful. Awful. Couldn'ta gone worse.
mom? Chandler: That's very funny. We done now? Ross: Well, howdya feel?
Ross: Yeah, um, I don't know if you noticed, but Ross: No! Okay, you mean, you're not gonna talk to her, Chandler: Pretty good! I told her.
he had a lot to drink, and you know how he gets you're not gonna tell her how you feel? Ross: Well, see? So, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea,
when he's drun..uh... (He has caught sight of Joey Chandler: That would be no. Look, just because you y'know, me kissing your mom, uh? Huh? (Wags his
scowling at him) I can't do this, I did it, it was me, played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn't mean you know finger at Chandler, then puts it down) But.. we don't
I'm sorry, I kissed your mom. her. Alright? Trust me, you can't talk to her. have to go down that road.
Chandler: What? Ross: Okay, 'you' can't, or (Points to Chandler) you can't? Closing Credits
Ross: I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo, (Chandler grabs his finger) Okay, that's my finger. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is handing out
and I think I had too much tequila, and Nora- um, (Chandler twists it and Ross goes down on one knee) copies of her book to the gang.]
Mrs. Mom- your Bing- was just being nice, y'know, That's, that's my knee. (To Central Perk) Still doing the play. Rachel: Okay. Now this is just the first chapter, and I
and- But nothing happened, nothing- Ask Joey, Aaah! want your absolute honest opinion. Oh, oh, and on
Joey, uh, came in- [Scene: The Coma Guy's Room, Monica bursts in, closely page two, he's not 'reaching for her heaving beasts'.
Chandler: (To Joey) You knew about this? followed by Phoebe. There is no sign of Coma Guy. His Monica: What's a 'niffle'?
Joey: Uh... y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing. bed is empty.] Joey: You usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'.
Chandler: I spent the entire day with you, why Phoebe: Alright, whadyou do with him? Rachel: Alright, alright, so I'm not a great typist...
didn't you tell me?! (There is the sound of a flushing toilet and Coma Guy Ross: Wait, did you get to the part about his 'huge
Joey: Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them emerges from the bathroom) throbbing pens'? Tell ya, you don't wanna be around
when I did, or else who knows what woulda Monica: Oh! You're awake! when he starts writing with those!
happened. Phoebe: Look at you! How, how do you feel? Rachel: Alright, that's it! Give it back! That's it!
Ross: Thanks, man, big help. Coma Guy: Uh, a little woozy, but basically okay. All: Nooo!
Chandler: (To Ross) I can't believe this! What the Monica: You look good! End
hell were you thinking? Coma Guy: I feel good! ...Who are you?
Ross: I wasn't- I mean, I- Monica: Oh, sorry. 112 The One With the Dozen Lasagnes
Chandler: Y'know, of all my friends, no-one Phoebe: I'm Phoebe Buffay.
knows the crap I go through with my mom more Monica: I'm Monica Geller. I've been taking care of you. [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there. Ross working
than you. Phoebe: Well, we both have. on crossword puzzle, starts humming theme from The
Ross: I know- Coma Guy: So, the Etch-a-Sketch is from you guys? Odd Couple. Chandler joins in, followed by Monica and
Chandler: I can't believe you did this. (Walks Phoebe: Well, actually it's just from me. Phoebe, then the whole gang. Ross starts humming
toward the door) Monica: I got you the foot massager. theme from I Dream Of Jeannie.]
Ross: Chandler- Phoebe: You know who shaved you? That was me. Chandler: No-no-no-no, we're done.
Joey: Me neither, y'know what- Monica: I read to you. Opening Credits
Chandler: I'm still mad at you for not telling me. Phoebe: I sang. (To Monica) Hah! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone
Joey: What are you mad at me for?! Coma Guy: Well,... thanks. in the kitchen.]
Ross: Chandler- Monica: Oh, my pleasure. Monica: Aunt Syl, stop yelling! All I'm saying is that if
Chandler: You gotta let me slam the door! Phoebe: You're welcome. you had told me vegetarian lasagna, I would have
(Leaves; slams the door) Coma Guy: So. I guess I'll see you around. made vegetarian lasagna. (pauses, listens to person on
Joey: (Shouting after him) Chandler, I didn't kiss Phoebe: What, that's it? phone) Well, the meat's only every third layer, maybe
her, he did! (To Ross) See what happens when Monica: "See you around?" you could scrape.
you break the code? Coma Guy: Well, what do you want me to say? (Camera moves to Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Joey
Ross: Joey- Monica: Oh, I don't know. Maybe, um, "That was nice?" sitting in living room)
Joey: Ah! (Points to door) Huh? (Leaves and Admit something to me? "I'll call you?" Joey: Ross, did you really read all these baby books?
slams the door) Coma Guy: Alright, I'll call you. Ross: Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except for Phoebe: I don't think you mean that. any woman's uterus, no compass, and I can find my
Chandler. Rachel is writing something and Monica: This is so typical. Y'know, we give, and we give, way out of there like that! (snaps fingers)
Monica walks up.] and we give. And then- we just get nothing back! And then Phoebe: Ooh, this is cool...it says in some parts of the
Monica: Hey. one day, y'know, it's just, you wake up, and "See you world, people actually eat the placenta. (Joey
Rachel: Hey. around!" Let's go, Phoebe. grimaces)
Monica: (Reading) 'A Woman Undone, by Rachel Phoebe: Y'know what? We thought you were different. Chandler: And, we're done with the yogurt. (Sets
Karen Green'. But I guess it was just the coma. yogurt down on table)
Rachel: Yeah. Thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still [Scene: Chandler and Joey's Chandler is talking with his Phoebe: (softly) Sorry. (Camera pans back to Monica,
on the first chapter. Now, do you think his 'love mom.] still on phone)
stick can be liberated from its denim prison'? Mrs. Bing: Car's waiting downstairs, I just wanted to drop Monica: Aunt Syl, I did this as a favor, I am not a
Monica: (Reads) Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no off these copies of my book for your friends. Anything you caterer. What do you want me to do with a dozen
'j' in 'engorged'. want from Lisbon? lasagnas? (listens to Aunt Syl on phone, looks shocked)
Phoebe: (Walks up with her guitar) Hey Rach. Chandler: No, just knowing you're gonna be there is Nice talk, Aunt Syl. (in New York accent) You kiss Uncle
Rachel: Hey. enough. Freddie with that mouth?
Phoebe: Hello. Mrs. Bing: Alright, well, be good, I love you. (Kisses him (Camera pans back to group in living room)
Monica: Hello. and goes to leave) Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you know that right now, your
Phoebe: Going to the hospital tonight? Chandler: You kissed my best Ross! ...Or something to baby's only this big? (measures about 2 inches with his
Monica: No, you? that effect. thumb and index finger) This is your baby. (in
Phoebe: No, you? Mrs. Bing: (Reentering) O-kay. Look, it, it was stupid. baby-like voice) Hi Daddy!
Monica: You just asked me. Chandler: Really stupid. Ross: (waves) Hello!
Phoebe: Okay, maybe it was a trick question. Mrs. Bing: Really stupid. And I don't even know how it Joey: (in baby-like voice) How come you don't live
(Plays a few chords) Um, Rachel can we do this happened. I'm sorry, honey, I promise it will never happen with Mommy? (pause; shows Ross less than amused)
now? again. Are we okay now? How come Mommy lives with that other lady? (pause;
Rachel: Okay. (Writes a little more) I am so hot! Chandler: Yeah. No. No... Ross still looks less than amused; Joey smiling) What's
Joey: (To Ross, on the couch) Now, here's a [Cut to the hallway, Joey is listening to Chandler and his a lesbian? (playfully hits Ross)
picture of my mother and father on their wedding mom's conversation through the door as Ross walks up.] (Rachel enters with Paolo, speaking Italian. Ross looks
day. Now you tell me she's not a knockout. Ross: Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door. annoyed)
Ross: I cannot believe we're having this Joey: Shh. He did it. He told her off, and not just about the Rachel: Honey, you can say it, Poconos, Poconos, it's
conversation. kiss, about everything. like Poc-o-nos (touching Paolo's nose with forefinger
Joey: C'mon! Just try to picture her not pregnant, Ross: You're kidding. with each syllable)
that's all. Joey: No, no. He said "When are you gonna grow up and Paolo: Ah, poke (Paolo touches Rachel's nose) a
Rachel: (Into microphone) Central Perk is proud start being a mom?" (touches nose again) nose, mmm (they rub noses,
to present Miss Phoebe Buffay. Ross: Wow! then kisses her)
Phoebe: Thanks. Hi, um, 'kay. I'd like to start with Joey: Then she came back with "The question is, when are Joey, Chandler, and Ross: (sitting in living room,
a song that's about a man that I recently met, you gonna grow up and realise I have a bomb?" imitating Paolo) Mma, Mma, Mmaah
who's, um, come to be very important to me. Ross: 'Kay, wait a minute, are you sure she didn't say (Camera pans to Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe in the
(Monica gives her a look) 'Kay. (Sung:) "When are you gonna grow up and realise I am your kitchen)
You don't have to be awake to be my man, mom?" Monica: So, did I hear Poconos?
As long as you have brainwaves I'll be there to Joey: That makes more sense. Rachel: Yes, my sister's giving us her place for the
hold your hand. Ross: So, what's going on now? weekend.
Though we just met the other day, Joey: I dunno, I've been standing here spelling it out for Phoebe: Woo-hoo, first weekend away together!
There's something I have got to say... you! (Goes back to the door) I don't hear anything. Oh, Monica: Yeah, that's a big step.
(She sees Monica sneaking out) Okay, thank you wait, wait, wait. (Looks through the spyhole) Rachel: I know...
very much, I'm gonna take a short break! (Runs Ross: Whaddya see? (Camera pans to Ross, looking dejected)
out, knocking over the mike stand) Joey: Hard to tell, they're so tiny and upside-down. Wait, Chandler: (to Ross) Ah, it's just a weekend, big deal!
Rachel: (Into mike) Okay, that was Phoebe wait. They're walking away... they're walking away... No, Ross: Wasn't this supposed to be just a fling, huh?
Buffay, everybody. Woo! no they're not, they're coming right at us! Run! Run! Shouldn't it be...(makes flinging motions with hands)
(Enter Chandler) (Joey runs off down the hall. Ross tries Monica and flung by now?
Chandler: What was that? Rachel's apartment, but it is locked so he has to stand in (Camera pans back to Rachel)
Ross: Oh, uh, Phoebe just started a... the hall and pretend he wasn't listening. Chandler and his Rachel: I mean, we are way past the fling thing, I
Chandler: Yeah, I believe I was talking to Joey, mom come out) mean, I am feeling things that I've only read about in
alright there, Mother-Kisser? (Goes to the counter) Mrs. Bing: You okay, kiddo? Danielle Steele books, you know? I mean, when I'm
Joey: (Laughing) Mother-Kisser... (Sees Ross's Chandler: Yeah, okay. with him, I'm totally, totally...
look) I'll shut up. Mrs. Bing: Alright. (Kisses him) (Camera pans to Ross, holding his stomach)
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Ross: ...nauseous, I'm physically nauseous. What Chandler: Yeah, yeah, it's just that with my last Chandler: You pick one.
am I supposed to do, huh? Call immigration? roommate Kip... Joey: All right, how about the ladybugs?
(pauses, looks suddenly inspired) I could call Joey: Aw, I know all about Kip! Chandler: Oh, so, forget about the birds, but big red
immigration! Chandler: It's just that we bought a hibachi together, and insects suggest fine dining!
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Joey leaving then he ran off and got married, and things got pretty ugly. Joey: Fine, you want to get the birds, get the birds!
girls' apartment, carrying lasagna.] Joey: Well, let me ask you something, was Kip a better Chandler: Not like that, I won't! (pauses) Kip would
Joey: I love babies, with their little baby shoes, roommate than me? have liked the birds! (Joey turns and gives Chandler a
and their little baby toes, and their little baby Chandler: Aw, don't do that dirty look)
hands... [Scene: Phoebe's Massage Parlor, Phoebe's assistant is [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel folding and
Chandler: Ok, you're going to have to stop that, telling her about the changes to her schedule.] packing clothes in suitcases as Phoebe enters.]
forever! Phoebe's Assistant: We've got a couple changes in your Phoebe: Hey!
(Joey opens door, throws keys on kitchen table, schedule. Your 4:00 herbal massage has been pushed back Rachel: Hi Pheebs!
table falls over) to 4:30 and Miss Somerfield canceled her 5:30 shiatsu. Phoebe: Are you moving out?
Joey: Need a new table. Phoebe: Ok, thanks. (assistant leaves, then walks back in) Rachel: No, these aren't all my suitcases. (picks up
Chandler: You think? Phoebe's Assistant: Oh, here comes your 3:00. I don't small blue suitcase and shows to Phoebe) This one's
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, there's a knock on the mean to sound unprofessional, but, yum (walks out, Paolo Paolo's.
door and Carol answers it to Ross.] enters) Phoebe: Um, um, Rachel can we talk for a sec?
Carol: Hey hey, come on in! Paolo: Buon Giorno, Bella Phoebe! Rachel: Well, sure...just a sec, though, 'cause Paolo's
(Ross enters, carrying lasagna) Phoebe: Oh, Paolo, hi, what are you doing here? on his way over.
Ross: Hey, hello! mmwa! (kisses Carol) I brought Paolo: Uh, Racquela tell me you massage, eh? Phoebe: Oh! (sits down) Ok, um, ok, um,
all the books, and Monica sends her love, along Phoebe: Well, Racquela's right, yeah! Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, Pheebs...
with this lasagna. (Paolo speaks Italian) Phoebe: Ok, um, (clears throat) we haven't known
Carol: Oh great! Is it vegetarian, 'cause Susan Phoebe: Oh, okay, I don't know what you just said, so each other for that long a time, and, um, there are
doesn't eat meat. let's get started. three things that you should know about me. One, my
Ross: (pauses) I'm pretty sure that it is... Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, being naked? friends are the most important thing in my life, two, I
Carol: So, I got the results of the amnio today. Phoebe: Um, that's really your decision, I mean, some never lie, and three, I make the best oatmeal raisin
Ross: (making flinging gestures with hands) Oh, people prefer, you know, to take off...oh whoops! You're cookies in the world. (Phoebe opens a tin and offers
tell me, tell me, is everything, uhh....? being naked! Rachel a cookie)
Carol: Totally and completely healthy! [Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.] Rachel: (taking cookie) Ok, thanks Pheebs (takes bite
Ross: Oh, that's great, that is great! (Hugs and Rachel: (to Ross) I can't believe you don't want to know. I of cookie, overwhelmed) Oh my God, why have I never
kisses Carol. Then picks up a picture frame) mean, I couldn't not know, I mean, if, if the doctor knows, tasted these before?!
Ross: Hey, when did you and Susan meet Huey and Carol knows, and Susan knows.... Phoebe: Oh, I don't make them a lot because I don't
Lewis? Monica: And Monica knows... think it's fair to the other cookies
Carol: Uh, that's our friend Tanya. Ross: Wha, heh, how could you know, I don't even know! Rachel: All right, well, you're right, these are the best
Ross: (surprised, chuckling nervously) Of course Monica: Carol called me to thank me for the lasagna, I oatmeal cookies I've ever had.
it's your friend Tanya. (looks up frightenedly) asked, she told me. Phoebe: Which proves that I never lie.
Carol: Don't you want to know about the sex? Joey: So what's it gonna be? (Monica whispers in Joey's Rachel: I guess you don't.
Ross: (chuckles nervously) The sex? (chuckles) ear. Ross gets up and waves arms frantically in protest) Phoebe: Paolo made a pass at me.
Um, I'm having enough trouble with the image of Ross: Wait—oh—hey—huh, oh great now he knows, and I (Rachel looks stunned)
you and Susan together, when you throw in Tanya don't know! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Chandler, Joey,
(miming washing hair, that's the best I could think Monica: I'm sorry, I'm just excited about being an aunt! and Monica admiring their new table.]
of), yaw... Joey: Or an uncle... Chandler: So, what do you think?
Carol: The sex of the baby, Ross. (Phoebe enters) Ross: I think It's the most beautiful table I've ever
Ross: Oh, you know the sex of the baby? Oh, Joey and Chandler: Hey Phoebe! seen.
oh-oh-oh! Ross: Hi Pheebs! Chandler: I know!
Carol: Do you want to know? Rachel: Pheebs! (The camera pans back to reveal Joey and Chandler's
Ross: No, no, no, no, no, I don't want to know, Phoebe: Fine! new foosball table.)
absolutely not. I think, you know, I think you Monica: Phoebe, what's the matter? Monica: So how does this work, you going to balance
should know until you look down there, and say, Phoebe: Nothing, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm out of sorts. the plates on these little guys' heads?
oop, there it is! (pauses) Or isn't... Customer: Hey, can we get some cappuccino over here? Joey: Who cares, we'll eat at the sink! Come on, let's
(Susan enters) Rachel: Oh, right, that's me! play!
Susan: Oh, hello Ross! Joey: Hey, Chandler, that table place closes at 7, come on. Monica: Heads up Ross! (Monica scores on Chandler
Ross: Susan... Chandler: Fine. (Joey and Chandler walk towards the and Joey) Score! (points at Chandler) You suck!
Susan: So, so, did you hear? door) (Chandler looks at Joey in amazement)
Ross: Yes, we did, everything's A-OK! Monica: Phoebe, what is it? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is recovering from
Susan: Oh, that's so... (Susan hugs Carol, they Phoebe: All right, you know Paolo? the shock.]
giggle, Ross steps away) It really is...do we Ross: I'm familiar with his work, yes... Phoebe: Are you okay?
know...? Phoebe: Well, he made a move on me. Rachel: I need some milk.
Carol: Yes, we certainly do, it's going to be... (Joey and Chandler come back) Phoebe: Ok, I've got milk (takes thermos from her
Ross: (flailing arms in protest) Oh, hey hey hey, Joey: Whoa, store will be open tomorrow! bag and starts to pour a cup) Here you go... (Rachel
ho ho ho, hello, guy who doesn't want to know, Chandler: More coffee over here, please! drinks straight from thermos) Oh!(Rachel finishes
standing right here! Commercial Break thermos) Better?
Susan: Oh, well, is it what we thought it would [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.] Rachel: No...oh, I feel so stupid! Oh, I think about the
be? Monica: Well, what happened? other day with you guys and I was all "Oh, Paolo, he's
Carol: Mm-hmmm (Susan and Carol hug, giggling. Phoebe: Well, he came in for a massage, and everything so great, he makes me feel so..." Oh, God, I'm so
Ross stands back, reaches out and lightly taps was fine until. (A flashback starts Paolo, lying on massage embarrassed!
Susan's shoulder) table, moving his hands up Phoebe's legs.) Phoebe: I'm so embarrassed, I'm the one he hit on!
Ross: Ok, what, what...ok, what did we think it [Cut back to Central Perk.] (Phoebe's and Rachel's lines overlap)
was going to be? Joey and Chandler: Ooooohh! Rachel: Pheebs, if I had never met him this never
Carol and Susan: It's a... Ross: My God. would have happened!
Ross: (interrupts) No, no, no I don't want to know, Monica: Are you sure? Rachel and Phoebe: I'm so sorry! No I'm sorry! No
don't want to know. Ok, you know, I should (The flashback resumes with Paolo grabbing her butt.) I'm sorry! No I'm sorry!
probably, I should probably just go. [Cut back to Central Perk.] Phoebe: No, wait, oh, what are we sorry about?
Carol: Well, thanks for the books. Phoebe: Oh yeah, I'm sure. (Flashback resumes with Rachel: I don't know...right, he's the pig!
Ross: No problem, ok, mmmwa (kisses Carol) oh, Phoebe doing a voiceover.) And all of a sudden his hands Phoebe: Such a pig!
mmmwa (kisses Carol's stomach, then punches weren't the problem anymore. (Flashback continues: Paolo Rachel: Oh, God, he's such a pig,
Susan's shoulder) Susan... (Ross leaves.) rolls over, Phoebe looks down, then quickly looks up, bites Phoebe: Oh he's like a...
Susan: All right, who should we call first, your lip, shakes her head) Rachel: He's like a big disgusting...
folks, or Deb and Rona? (intercom buzzer rings) Monica: Was it...? Phoebe: ...like a...
Carol: Hello? Phoebe: Oh, boy scouts could have camped under there. Rachel: ...pig...pig man!
Ross: (on intercom) Uh, never mind, I don't want Guys: Oooooo.... Phoebe: Yes, good! Ok...
to know. (Carol and Susan laugh) (Rachel runs over) Rachel: (voice wavers) Oh, but he was my pig
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler Rachel: "Ooo," what? man...how did I not see this?
use their knees as a table to support the lasagna.] Phoebe: Uma Thurman. Phoebe: (raises hand) Oh! I know! (Rachel startled)
Chandler: Ok, so it's just because it was my table, Monica: Oh! It's because... he's gorgeous, and he's charming, and
I have to buy a new one? Ross: The actress! when he looks at you...
Joey: That's the rule. (all talking indistinctly, high-fiving) Rachel: Ok, Ok, Pheebs...
Chandler: What rule? There's no rule, if anything, Ross: Thanks Rach. Phoebe: The end.
you owe me a table! (Rachel walks away) Rachel: Oh, God...
Joey: How'd you get to that? Chandler: So what are you gonna do? Phoebe: Should I not have told you?
Chandler: Well, I believe the piece of furniture Ross: You have to tell her! You have to tell her! It's your Rachel: No, no, trust, me, it's, it's, it's much better
was fine until your little breakfast adventure with moral obligation, as a friend, as a woman, I think it's a that I know. Uh, I just liked it better before it was
Angela Delvecchio feminist issue! Guys? Guys? (waiting for guys to chime in) better...
Joey: You knew about that? Chandler: Oh, yeah, you have to tell her. (Phoebe scoots her chair over to Rachel and hugs her)
Chandler: Well, let's just say the impressions you Joey: Feminist issue. That's where I went! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling
made in the butter left little to the imagination. Phoebe: She is gonna hate me. everyone how it went across the hall as the foosball
Joey: Ok, ok, How about if we split it? Ross:(sympathetic yet...) Yeah, well... game continues.]
Chandler: What do you mean, like, buy it [Scene: The Table Store, Joey and Chandler and looking Phoebe: I think she took it pretty well. You know
together? for their new table.] Paolo's over there right now, so...
Joey: Yeah Joey: Will you pick one, just pick one! Here, how about Monica: We should get over there and see if she's
Chandler: You think we're ready for something that one? (points to a table) okay. (switching places with Ross) Just one...second!
like that? Chandler: That's patio furniture! Score! (Monica scores, high-fives with Ross) Game!
Joey: Why not? Joey: So what, like people are gonna come in and think, Come on. (Monica and Phoebe leave)
Chandler: Well, it's a pretty big commitment, I "Uh-oh, I'm outside again?" Of course! Ross: (wiping his brow) Ah...ooh! Well, looks like, uh,
mean, what if one of us wants to move out? Chandler: (gesturing towards another table) What about we kicked your butts.
Joey: Why, are you moving out? the birds? Joey: No-no, she kicked our butts. You could be on
Chandler: I'm not moving out. Joey: I don't know, birds just don't say, "Hello, sit here, the Olympic standing-there team.
Joey: You'd tell me if you were moving out right eat something." Ross: Come on, two on one.
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Chandler: What are you still doing here? She just Monica: Where are you guys going? Come on, one more appointment with Dr. Bazida, and... Excuse me? (To
broke up with the guy, it's time for you to swoop game! his dad) Did you know this isn't Ma?
in! Joey: Uh, it's 2:30 in the morning! (His dad nods. Cut to later. Joey is chopping
Ross: What, now? Chandler: Yeah, get out! mushrooms)
Joey: Yes, now is when you swoop! You gotta Monica: You guys are always hanging out in my Mr. Tribbiani: Her name's Ronni. She's a pet
make sure that when Paolo walks out of there, the apartment! Come on, I'll only use my left hand, huh? Come mortician.
first guy Rachel sees is you, She's gotta know that on, wussies! (Joey and Chandler pick her up) All right, ok, I Joey: Sure. So how long you been... (Goes back to
you're everything he's not! You're like, like the gotta go. I'm going, (they throw her out) and I'm gone. chopping)
anti-Paolo! Chandler: (to Joey) One more game? Mr. Tribbiani: Remember when you were a little kid, I
Chandler: My Catholic friend is right. She's Joey: Oh yeah! used to take you to the navy yard and show you the
distraught. You're there for her. You pick up the End big ships?
pieces, and then you usher in the age of Ross! Joey: Since then?!
(Ross and Chandler look off into the distance. Joey, 113 The One With the Boobies Mr. Tribbiani: No, it's only been six years. I just
wondering what they are looking at, looks in the wanted to put a nice memory in your head so you'd
same direction) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in and starts know that I wasn't always such a terrible guy. ...Joe.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is raiding the fridge. Then Rachel comes out of the shower Y'ever been in love?
throwing Paolo's clothes over the side.] with a towel wrapped round her waist, drying herself with Joey: ...I d'know.
Paolo: No, that's cold, that's cold, that's... another towel. Chandler and Rachel startle each other and Mr. Tribbiani: Then y'haven't. You're burning your
[Cut to inside the apartment.] she drops the towel for a second and snatches the rug off tomatoes.
Ross: (entering) How's it going? the couch.] Joey: You're one to talk. (Puts the mushrooms in a
Monica: Don't stare. Now she just finished Rachel: That is IT! You just barge in here, you don't knock saucepan)
throwing his clothes off the balcony, now there's Chandler: I'm sorry! Mr. Tribbiani: Joe, your dad's in love big time. And
just a lot of gesturing and arm-waving, (shows Rachel: You have no respect for anybody's privacy! the worst part of it is, it's with two different women.
Rachel gesturing with hands in front of her chest), Chandler: Rachel, wait, wait. Joey: Oh man. Please tell me one of 'em is Ma.
Ok, that is either, "How could you?" or, "Enormous Rachel: No, you wait! This is ridiculous! Mr. Tribbiani: Of course, course one of 'em's Ma.
breasts!" Here he comes! Chandler: Can I just say one thing? What's the matter with you.
Phoebe: Ooh! Rachel: What? What?! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is lamenting to
(Paolo enters. Ross, Phoebe, and Monica scatter) Chandler: That's a relatively open weave and I can still everyone about hid dad's affair.]
Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, to say good-bye. see your... nipular areas. Joey: It's like if you woke up one day and found out
Phoebe: Oh, ok bye-bye. Rachel: Oh!! your dad was leading this double life. He's like actually
Monica: Paolo, I really hate you for what you did (She storms off) some spy, working for the C.I.A. (Considers) That'd be
to Rachel, (hands him a lasagna) but I still have Opening Credits cool.... This blows!
five of these, so heat it at 375 until the cheese [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with her boyfriend Rachel: I know, I mean, why can't parents just stay
bubbles. Roger, talking to Rachel and Monica.] parents? (She walks over near Chandler and his gaze
Paolo: Grazie. Phoebe: Oh, honey, honey, tell them the story about your stays very obviously on her chest) Why do they have to
Ross: Paolo, I-I just want to tell you and I think I patient who thinks things are, like, other things. Y'know? become people? Why do they have... (Notices
speak for everyone when I say... (shuts door in his Like, the phone rings and she takes a shower. Chandler) Why can't you stop staring at my breasts?
face and walks away) Roger: That's pretty much it. Chandler: (Without looking up) What? (Looks up)
Phoebe: Oh, just look at her... (girls move toward Phoebe: Oops! What?
Rachel on the balcony) Roger: But you tell it really well, sweetie. Rachel: Did you not get a good enough look the other
Ross: Oh you guys, I-I really think just one of us Phoebe: Thanks. Okay, now go away so we can talk about day?
should go out there so she's not overwhelmed... you. Ross: Alright, alright. We're all adults here, there's
Monica: Oh, you're right. Roger: Okay. I'll miss you. only one way to resolve this. Since you saw her
Ross: (pulls Monica back) ...and I really think it Phoebe: Isn't he great? boobies, I think, uh, you're gonna have to show her
should be me. Rachel: He's so cute! And he seems to like you so much. your peepee.
[Cut to the balcony, Ross has just climbed through Phoebe: I know, I know. So sweet... and so complicated. Chandler: Y'know, I don't see that happening?
the window.] And for a shrink, he's not too shrinky, y'know? Rachel: C'mon, he's right. Tit for tat.
Ross: Hey. Monica: So, you think you'll do it on his couch? Chandler: Well I'm not showing you my 'tat.'
Rachel: Hey. Phoebe: Oh, I don't know, I don't know. I think that's a (Door buzzer goes)
Ross: You all right? little weird, y'know? Vinyl. Monica: Hello?
Rachel: Ooh, I've been better... Rachel: Okaaay. (To the guys, on the couch) Any of you Phoebe: (Intercom) It's Phoebe.
Ross: Come here. (he hugs Rachel) Listen, you guys want anything else? Roger: (Intercom) And Rog.
deserve so much better than him...you know, I Chandler: Oh, yes, could I have one of those. (Points) Monica: C'mon up.
mean, you, you, you should be with a guy who Rachel: No, I'm sorry, we're all out of those. Anybody Chandler: (Sarcastic) Oh, good. Rog is here.
knows what he has when he has you. else? Joey: What's the matter with Rog?
Rachel: Oh, Ross... Chandler: Okay. Ross: Yeah.
Ross: What? Roger: Did I, uh, did I miss something? Chandler: Oh, it's nothing, it's a little thing... I hate
Rachel: I am so sick of guys. I don't want to look Chandler: No, she's still upset because I saw her boobies. that guy.
at another guy, I don't want to think about another Ross: You what? Wh what were you doing seeing her Ross: What, so he was a little analytical. That's what
guy, I don't even want to be near another guy. boobies? he does, y'know? C'mon, he's not that bad.
(Ross crosses arms) Chandler: It was an accident. Not like I was across the (Cut to Chandler, Ross and Roger sitting at the table.
Ross: Huh. street with a telescope and a box of donuts. Ross is upset)
Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great! Rachel: Okay, okay, could we change the subject, please? Ross: Y'see, that's where you're wrong. Why would I
Ross: Ohhhh (Hugs her and sighs) Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause hello, these are not her boobies, marry her if I thought on any level thatthat she was a
[Cut to inside the apartment, Rachel and Ross are these are her breasts. lesbian?
entering.] Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, I was hoping for more of a change. Roger: I dunno. Maybe you wanted your marriage to
Monica: Ooh...hey honey, are you all right? Chandler: Y'know, I don't know why you're so fail.
Rachel: Oh... embarrassed, they were very nice boobies. Ross: Why? Why would I why? Why? Why? Why?
Phoebe: You ok? Rachel: Nice? They were nice. I mean, that's it? I mean, Roger: I don't know. Maybe maybe low self-esteem,
Rachel: ...medium...hmm...any cookies left? mittens are nice. maybe maybe to compensate for overshadowing a
Phoebe: Yep! Chandler: Okaaay, (Gestures) rock, hard place, me. sibling, maybe you...
Ross: See, Rach, uh, see, I don't think that Roger: You're so funny! He's really funny! I wouldn't Monica: Wait-wait, go back to that sibling thing.
swearing off guys altogether is the answer. I really wanna be there when when the laughter stops. Roger: Well, I don't know. I mean, it's conceivable
don't. I think that what you need is to develop a Chandler: Whoah whoah, back up there, Sparky. What'd that you wanted to sabotage your marriage so that the
more sophisticated screening process. you mean by that? sibling would feel less of a failure in the eyes of the
Rachel: No. I just need to be by myself for a while, Roger: Oh, just seems as though that maybe you have parents.
you know? I just got to figure out what I want intimacy issues. Y'know, that you use your humour as a Ross: That that's ridiculous! I don't feel guilty for her
Ross: Uh, no, no, see, because not...not all guys way of keeping people at a distance. failures!
are going to be a Paolo. Chandler: Huh. Monica: Oh! So you think I'm a failure!
Rachel: No, I know, I know, and I'm sure your Roger: I mean hey! I just met you, I don't know you from Phoebe: Isn't he good?
little boy is not going to grow up to be one. Adam. ...Only child, right? Parents divorced before you hit Ross: Nonono, thatthat's not what I was saying...
Ross: (astonished) What? puberty. Monica: Y'know, all these years, I thought you were
Rachel: What? Chandler: Uhhuh, how did you know that? on my side. But maybe what you were doing was
Ross: I-I'm, I'm having a boy? Roger: It's textbook. sucking up to Mom and Dad so they'd keep liking you
Rachel: Uh...no. No, no, in fact, you're not having (Joey enters with his dad) better!
a boy. Joey: Hey you guys. Hey, you all know my dad, right? Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good!
Ross: Wha-I'm having, I'm having a boy! All: Hey! Hey, Mr. Trib! (Cut to later. Rachel is in tears)
(babbling) Huh, am I having a boy? Monica: Hey, how long are you in the city? Rachel: You're right! I mean you're right! It wasn't
Girls: Yes, you're having a boy! (Monica runs over Mr. Tribbiani: Just for a coupla days. I got a job midtown. just the Weebles, but it was the Weeble Play Palace,
and hugs Ross) I figure I'm better off staying with the kid than hauling my and and the Weebles' Cruise Ship. Oh, which had this
Ross: I'm having a boy! Oh, I'm having a boy! ass back and forth on the ferry. (Sees Roger) I don't know little lifeboat for the Weebles to wobble in.
(Joey and Chandler run in) this one. Roger: That's tough. Tough stuff. C'mon, Pheebs,
Chandler: Wha- Phoebe: Oh, this is my friend Roger. we're gonna catch that movie, we gotta get going.
Joey: Wha- Roger: Hi. Phoebe: Oh, okay. Feel better, Rachel, 'kay?
Joey and Chandler: What is it? Mr. Tribbiani: Hey, hey. Good to meet you, Roger. Roger: Geez, we're gonna be late, sweetie...
Ross: I'm having a boy! I-I'm having a boy! Roger: You too, sir. Phoebe: Oh, okay. Listen, thanks for everything, Mon.
Joey: Hey! Mr. Tribbiani: (To Phoebe) What happened to the, uh, Monica: You're welcome.
Chandler: Hey! puppet guy? Roger: Listen guys, it was great seeing you again.
Joey and Chandler: We already knew that! (they Joey: Dad, dad. (Shakes his head) Mon, um, easy on those cookies, okay? Remember,
hug) Mr. Tribbiani: Oh, 'scuse me. So Ross, uh, how's the wife? they're just food, they're not love.
Ross: I'm having a son. Um... (Ross whines and lays his head on Chandler's shoulder) Off (He shuts the door and Ross and Monica fling cookies
(Ross looks scared) there too, uh? Uh, Chandler, quick, say something funny! at it)
Closing Credits (Chandler stays stonefaced) Monica: Hate that guy! (Throws another cookie)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica is busy killing [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Mr. Tribbiani is on the [Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Joey are just
Chandle and Joey at foosball.] phone.] leaving Monica and Rachel's.]
Monica: Yes! And that would be a shut-down! Mr. Tribbiani: Gotta go. I miss you too, I love you, but it's Joey: Night, you guys.
Joey and Chandler: Shut-out!! (They both start getting real late now (They notice that a woman is sitting by their door)
heading for their rooms.) Joey: (Snatches the phone) Hey Ma. Listen, I made the Chandler: Oh look, it's the woman we ordered.
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无忧雅思网 雅思、留学、移民第一站 Season 1
Joey: Hey. Can, uh, can we help you? Rachel: Hi, I'm Rachel. Monica: So you talked to your dad, huh.
Ronni: Oh, no thanks, I'm just waiting for, uh, Ronni: Hi. Joey: Yeah. He's gonna keep cheating on my ma like
Joey Tribbiani. Rachel: Bathroom's up there. she wanted, she's gonna keep pretending she doesn't
Joey: I'm Joey Tribbiani. Ronni: Great. know even though she does, and my little sister Tina
Ronni: Oh no, not you, big Joey. Oh my God, Rachel: Hey, listen, Ronni, how long would you say can't see her husband any more because he got a
you're so much cuter than your pictures! (Joey Chandler's been in the shower? restraining order...which has nothing to do with
stares at her) I-I'm, I'm Ronni....Cheese Nip? Ronni: Oh, like, uh, five minutes? anything except that I found out today.
Chandler: Uh, Joey's having an embolism, but I'd Rachel: Perfect. Fasten your seatbelts, it's peepee time. Rachel: Wow.
go for a Nip, y'know? (She goes into Joey and Chandler's apartment, where Mr. Chandler: Things sure have changed here on Waltons
Commercial Break Tribbiani is reading the paper) Hey, Mr. Trib. mountain.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ronni is talking to Mr. Tribbiani: Hey. Morning, dear. Ross: So Joey, you okay?
Chandler. Joey's dad is not around.] (Rachel goes up to the door of their bathroom) Joey: Yeah, I guess. It's just parents, after a certain
Ronni: Now, y'see, most people, when their pets Rachel: Chandler Bing? It's time to see your thing. point, you gotta let go. Even if you know better, you've
pass on, they want 'em sorta laid out like they're (She opens the door and whips back the curtain. It's Joey. gotta let them make their own mistakes.
sleeping. But occasionally you get your person They both scream) Rachel: Just think, in a couple of years we get to turn
who wants them in a pose. Like, chasing their tail, Joey: (Runs out in a towel) What's the matter with you?! into them.
(Demonstrates) or, uh, jumping to catch a frisbee. Rachel: I thought it was Chandler! Chandler: If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an
Chandler: Joey, if I go first, I wanna be looking Chandler: (Comes out of his room) What? What? alcoholic blond chasing after twenty-year-old boys, or...
for my keys. Rachel: You were supposed to be in there so I could see I'll end up like my mom.
Ronni: That's a good one! your thing! Phoebe: (entering) Hey.
(Joey's dad enters.) Chandler: Sorry, my my thing was in there with me. All: Hey, Pheebs.
Mr. Tribbiani: Hey, Joe. [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Phoebe enters.] Monica: How's it going?
Joey: Dad, Ronni's here. All: Hey, Pheebs. Phoebe: Oh, okay, except I broke up with Roger.
Mr. Tribbiani: Huh? Phoebe: Hey. All: Awww.
Ronni: Hi. Monica: How's it going? Phoebe: Yeah, right.
Mr. Tribbiani: Hey! Hello, babe! Wh what're Phoebe: Good. Oh oh! Roger's having a dinner thing and All: Aaawwwwww!!
what're you doing here? he wanted me to invite you guys. Rachel: What happened?
Ronni: Oh, uh, well, you left your good hair at my (Chandler laughs) Phoebe: I don't know, I mean, he's a good person,
apartment, I figured you'd need it tomorrow for Phoebe: So what's going on? and he can be really sweet, and in some ways I think
your meeting. (Hands him the hair) Monica: Nothing, um, it's just, um... It's Roger. he is so right for me, it's just... I hate that guy!
Mr. Tribbiani: Thank you. Uh... Ross: I dunno, there's just something about... Closing Credits
Chandler: So, who's up for a big game of Chandler: Basically we just feel that he's... [Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Phoebe is reading the
Kerplunk? Rachel: We hate that guy. paper and Joey enters.]
Ronni: Look, I uh, I shouldn'ta come. I-I'd better All: Yeah. Hate him. Phoebe: Hey, Joey. What's going on?
get going, I don't wanna miss the last train. Ross: We're sorry, Pheebs, we're sorry. Joey: Clear the tracks for the boobie payback express.
Mr. Tribbiani: I don't want you taking that thing. Phoebe: Uh-huh. Okay. Okay, don't you think, maybe, Next stop: Rachel Green. (He goes into the bathroom.
Ronni: Oh, where'm I gonna stay, here? though, it's just that he's so perceptive that it freaks you We hear a scream and he comes out, closely followed
Joey: Who-ah-ho. out? by Monica in a towel)
Mr. Tribbiani: We'll go to a hotel. All: ...No, we hate him. Monica: Joey!! What the hell were you doing?!
Ronni: (Shrugs) We'll go to a hotel. Rachel: We're sorry. Joey: Sorry. Wrong boobies.
Joey: No you won't. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment, Joey is trying to (He leaves. Cut to Monica entering Chandler and Joey's
Ronni: No we won't. turn the sofabed back into a sofa. Someone knocks on the apartment. She sneaks up to the shower door)
Joey: If you go to a hotel you'll be...doing stuff. I door and it rears up at him.] Monica: Hello, Joey.
want you right here where I can keep an eye on Joey: Ma! What're you doing here? (She whips back the curtain to reveal Joey's dad)
you. Mrs. Tribbiani: I came to give you this (Gives him a bag Mr. Tribbiani: Oh! ...Hello, dear. (She whips the
Mr. Tribbiani: You're gonna keep an eye on us? of groceries) and this. (Whacks him round the ear) curtain shut in horror)
Joey: That's right, mister, and I don't care how Joey: Oww! Big ring! End
old you are, as long as you're under my roof you're Mrs. Tribbiani: Why did you have to fill your father's head
gonna live by my rules. And that means no with all that garbage about making things right? Things 114 The One With the Candy Hearts
sleeping with your girlfriend. were fine the way they were! There's chicken in there, put
Ronni: Wow. He's strict. it away. For God's sake, Joey, really. (She gives the [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is eyeing a beautiful woman
Joey: Now dad, you'll be in my room, Ronni uh, sofabed a tiny push and it folds away) at the counter, and Joey and Chandler are egging him
you can stay in Chandler's room. Joey: Hold on, you-you knew? on to go talk to her. No pun intended. I mean it.]
Ronni: Thanks. You're, uh, you're a good kid. Mrs. Tribbiani: Of course I knew! What did you think? Joey: I'm tellin' you Ross, she wants you.
Chandler: C'mon, I'll show you to my Your father is no James Bond. You should've heard some of Ross: She barely knows me. We just live in the same
room. ...That sounds so weird when it's not his cover stories. "I'm sleeping over at my accountant's," I building.
followed by "No thanks, it's late." mean, what is that? Please! Chandler: Any contact?
Joey: Okay. Now this is just for tonight. Starting Joey: So then how could you I mean, how could you?! Ross: She lent me an egg once.
tomorrow, you gotta make a change. This has Mrs. Tribbiani: Do you remember how your father used Joey: You're in!
gone on long enough. to be? Always yelling, always yelling nothing made him Ross: Aw, right.
Mr. Tribbiani: What kinda change? happy, nothing made him happy, not that wood shop, not Woman: Hi, Ross.
Joey: Well, either you break it off with Ronni those stupid little ships in the bottle, nothing. Now he's Ross: Hey. (stutters something incoherent)
Mr. Tribbiani: I can't do that! happy! I mean, it's nice, he has a hobby. Chandler: Come on, Ross, you gotta get back in the
Joey: Then you gotta come clean with Ma! This is Joey: Ma, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but... what the game here, ok? The Rachel thing's not happening,
not right! hell are you talking about?! I mean, what about you? your ex-wife is a lesbian—I don't think we need a
Mr. Tribbiani: Yeah, but this is Mrs. Tribbiani: Me? I'm fine. Look, honey, in an ideal third...
Joey: I don't wanna hear it! Now go to my room! world, there'd be no her, and your father would look like Joey: Excuse me, could we get an egg over here, still
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, night. Chandler and Sting. And I'll tell you something else. Ever since that in the shell? Thanks.
Joey are sharing the sofabed in the living room. poodle-stuffer came along, he's been so ashamed of Ross: An egg?
Joey is restless.] himself that he's been more attentive, he's been more Joey: Yeah, you're gonna go up to her and say,
Chandler: Hey, Kicky. What're you doing? loving... I mean, it's like every day's our anniversary. "Here's your egg back, I'm returning your egg."
Joey: Just trying to get comfortable. I can't sleep Joey: I'm...happy...for you? Chandler: I think it's winning.
in my underwear. Mrs. Tribbiani: Well don't be, because now everything's Ross: I think it's insane.
Chandler: Well, you're gonna. screwed up. I just want it the way it was. Chandler: She'll love it. Go with the egg, my friend.
Joey: I've been thinking. Y'know, about how I'm Joey: Ma, I'm sorry. I just did what I thought you'd want. (Ross walks over to the woman, egg in hand.)
always seeing girls on top of girls... Mrs. Tribbiani: I know you did, cookie. Oh, I know you Joey: Think it'll work?
Chandler: Are they end to end, or tall like did. So tell me. Did you see her? Chandler: No, it's suicide. The man's got an egg.
pancakes? Joey: Yeah. You're ten times prettier than she is. Opening Credits
Joey: Y'know what I mean, about how I'm always Mrs. Tribbiani: That's sweet. Could I take her? [Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey,
going out with all these women. And I always Joey: With this ring? (Her engagement ring.) No contest. Chandler are there. Ross is still talking to the beautiful
figured, when the right one comes along, I'd be [Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is there with Roger.] woman.]
able to be a stand-up guy and go the distance, Roger: What's wrong, sweetie? Monica: You can not do this.
y'know? Now I'm looking at my dad, thinking... Phoebe: Nothing, nothing. Rachel: Do what, do what?
Chandler: Hey, you're not him. You're you. When Roger: Aaaah, what's wrong, c'mon. (Pats his leg. She lies Monica: Roger wants to take her out tomorrow night.
they were all over you to go into your father's down and rests her head in his lap) Rachel: No! Phoebes! Don't you remember why you
pipe-fitting business, did you cave? Phoebe: It's, I mean, it's nothing, I'm fine. It's my friends. dumped the guy?
Joey: No. They-they have a liking problem with you. In that, um, they Phoebe: 'Cause he was creepy, and mean, and a little
Chandler: No. You decided to go into the don't. frightening... alright, still, it's nice to have a date on
out-of-work actor business. Now that wasn't easy, Roger: Oh. They don't. Valentine's Day!
but you did it! And I'd like to believe that when the Phoebe: But they don't see all the wonderfulness that I Monica: But Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy
right woman comes along, you will have the see. They don't see all the good stuff and all the sweet stuff. guy any night of the year. I know I do.
courage and the guts to say "No thanks, I'm They just think you're a little... Rachel: Well, what are you guys doing tomorrow
married." Roger: What? night?
Joey: You really think so? Phoebe: Intense and creepy. Joey: Actually, tomorrow night kinda depends on how
Chandler: Yeah. I really do. Roger: Oh. tonight goes.
Joey: Thanks, Chandler. (Snuggles up to him) Phoebe: But I don't. Me, Phoebe. Chandler: Oh, uh, listen, about tonight...
Chandler: Get off! Roger: Well, I'm not I'm not at all surprised they feel that Joey: No, no, no, don't you dare bail on me. The only
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, morning. Someone way. reason she's goin' out with me is because I said I could
knocks on the door and Monica gets it.] Phoebe: You're not? See, that's why you're so great! bring a friend for her friend.
Ronni: Hi. Roger: Actually it's, it's quite, y'know, typical behaviour Chandler: Yes, I know, but her friend sounds like
Monica: Hi...May I help you? when you have this kind of dysfunctional group dynamic. such a...
Ronni: Yeah, uh, Joey said I could use your Y'know, this kind of co-dependant, emotionally stunted, Joey: Pathetic mess? I know, but—come on, man,
shower, since, uh, Chandler's in ours? sitting in your stupid coffee house with your stupid big cups she's needy, she's vulnerable. I'm thinkin', cha-ching!
Monica: Okay...who are you? which, I'm sorry, might as well have nipples on them, and (Rachel throws a roll at Joey. He picks it up and eats it.)
Ronni: Oh, I'm Ronni. Ronni Rappelano? The you're like all 'Oh, define me! Define me! Love me, I need Thanks. Look, you have not been out with a woman
mistress? love!'. since Janice. You're doin' this.
Monica: Oh, c'mon in. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is letting everyone in on Ross: Hi. She said yes.
Ronni: Thanks. the new developments.] Chandler: Yes! Way to go, man! (Chandler and Ross
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hug. Something crunches in Ross' shirt pocket.) Janice: Although, I have enjoyed the fact that, uh your Kristin: Well, um, for the past few years I've been
Still got the egg, huh? shirt's been stickin' outta your zipper ever since you came working..(Ross is watching Carol and Susan, not
[Scene: A Restaurant, Joey and Chandler are there, back from the bathroom. listening to Kristin. Susan gets up, and has to go. Carol
waiting for their dates to show up.] Chandler: Excuse me. (gets up, jumps up and down while is left stranded)...which is funny because, that wasn't
Joey: (Looking at himself in the reflection on a he zips his zipper up... other patrons look at him) How ya even my major.
knife) How do I look? doin'? Carol: Oh no. I thought you said they could shoot the
Chandler: Oh, uh, I... don't... care. (Joey's date Janice: So, do we have the best friends or what? spot without you.
shows up) Ok, now, remember, no trading. You Chandler: Joey's not a friend. He's...a stupid man who left Susan: I thought they could...I'll try to get back as
get the pretty one, I get the mess. us his credit card. Another drink? Some dessert? A big soon as I can. I'm sorry. (Ross realizes Kristin was
Lorraine: Hi, Joey. Well well, look what you screen TV? expecting him to laugh, so he starts to laugh
brought. Very nice. Janice: I will go for that drink. hysterically.)
Chandler: ...And what did you bring? Chandler: You got it. Good woman! (the waiter turns Ross: Now that is funny. Hey, do you think...would it
Lorraine: She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm around, it's a man) Could we get a bottle of your most be too weird if I invited Carol over to join us? 'Cause
gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands. Will overpriced champagne? she's, she's alone now, and pregnant, and, and sad.
you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red Janice: Each. Kristin: (reluctantly) I guess.
for Janice. Chandler: That's right, each. Oh, and a uh Rob Roy. (to Ross: Are you sure? Great. Carol? Wanna come over
Chandler: Janice? Janice) I've always wanted to know... and join us?
(Lorraine leaves. Joey shakes his head as though [Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Chandler wakes up, and finds Carol: Oh, no no no. I'm fine. I'm fine.
to say, 'It can't be the same Janice.' Janice enters.) someone else's hand on his chest. He rolls over and is Ross: Come on. These people'll scooch down. You
Janice: Oh.... my.... God. shocked to see Janice there.] guys'll scooch, won't you? Let's try scooching! Come on.
Chandler: (angrily) Hey, it's Janice. Janice: Happy Valentine's Day! Come on. Uh, Kristen Riggs, this is Carol Willick. Carol,
[Scene: The bathroom at the restaurant, Chandler Commercial Break Kristin. Uh, Carol teaches sixth grade. And, Kristin,
and Joey are talking.] [Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is trying to get Janice out of Kristin...(struggling)...does something that, funnily
Chandler: Ok, I'm makin' a break for it, I'm goin' his apartment.] enough, wasn't even her major!
out the window. Janice: Oh, I miss you already. Can you believe this [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, firemen are there to
Joey: No, no, no, don't! I've been waitin' for like, happened? handle the bonfire that got out of control.]
forever to go out with Lorraine. Just calm down. Chandler: No... no! And yet it did. Good-bye, Janice. Fireman No. 1: What do we got there?
Chandler: Calm down? Calm down? You set me Janice: Kiss me! Fireman No. 2: A piece of something: boxer shorts,
up with the woman that I've dumped twice in the (Janice kisses him. Monica comes out for the newspaper.} greeting cards, and what looks like a half-charred
last five months! Monica: Oh, Chandler, sorry. picture—Wow, that guy's hairier than the Chief!
Joey: (at the urinal) Can you stop yellin'? You're (Janice turns around, Monica sees who it is.) Monica: You know, it's a really funny story how this
makin' me nervous, and I can't go when I'm Monica: Ohhh, Chandler, sorry! Hey, Janice. happened.
nervous. Janice: Hi, Monica. Fireman No. 3: It's all right. It's all right. You don't
Chandler: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. (gets Chandler: Ok, well, this was very special. have to explain. This isn't the first boyfriend bonfire
up right behind Joey and yells in his ear) Come on, Monica: Rach, come see who's out here! that we've seen get out of control.
do it, do it, go, come on!!! (Rachel comes out.) Fireman No. 1: You're our third call tonight.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are all there, Rachel: Oh my god. Janice, hi! Rachel: Really?
discussing their bad luck with men.] Chandler: Janice is gonna go away now. Fireman No. 2: Oh, sure, Valentine's is our busiest
Rachel: Ok, ok, Roger was creepy, but he was Monica: I'll be right back. night of the year.
nothing compared to Pete Carney. (Joey enters from the stairs.) [Scene: Central Perk.]
Monica: Which one was Pete Carney? Rachel: Oh, Joey, look who it is. Janice: I brought you something.
Rachel: Pete the Weeper? Remember that guy Joey: (in disbelief) Whoa. Chandler: Is it loaded? Oh, little candy hearts.
who used to cry every time we had sex. (imitating) Chandler: Oh, good, Joey's home now. (reading the candy) Chan and Jan Forever.
"Was it good for you?" Janice: This is so fun. This is like a reunion in the hall. Janice: I had them made special.
Monica: Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day (Monica comes out with her cordless phone.) Chandler: Ok, Janice. Janice. Hey, Janice. Look,
over Howard-the-"I-win"-guy. (imitating) "I win! I Monica: Oh, hi, Ross. Yeah. There's someone I want you there's no way for me to tell you this. At least there's
win!" I went out with the guy for two months—I to say hi to. (to Chandler) He just happened to call. no new way for me to tell you this. I just don't things
didn't get to win once. Janice: Hi, Ross. Yes, it's me. How did you know? (she are gonna work out.
Rachel: How did we end up with these jerks? laughs obnoxiously) Janice: That's fine.
We're good people! [Scene: A Chinese Restaurant, Ross is there with his date.] Chandler: (surprised) It is?
Monica: I don't know. Maybe we're some kinda Ross: I'm just sayin' if dogs do experience jet lag, then, Janice: Mmm-hmm. Because I know that this isn't the
magnets. because of the whole um, seven dog years to one human end.
Phoebe: I know I am. That's why I can't wear a year thing, then, when a dog flies from New York to Los Chandler: Oh no, you see, actually it is.
digital watch. Angeles, he doesn't just lose three hours, he loses like a Janice: No, it isn't, because you won't let that happen.
Monica: There's more beer, right? week and a half. Don't you know it yet? You love me, Chandler Bing.
Phoebe: Oh! You know my friend Abby who (Ross starts to laugh, and then makes a face like 'Why did I Chandler: Oh, no I don't.
shaves her head? She said that if you want to just say that?' Ross' ex-wife, Carol, and her lesbian lover, Janice: Well then ask yourself this. Why do you think
break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a Susan, enter the restaurant. Ross stares at them.) we keep ending up together? New Year's? Who invited
cleansing ritual. Kristin: That's funny. Who are they? who? Valentine's? Who asked who into whose bed?
Rachel: Pheebes, this woman is voluntarily bald. Ross: The blond woman is my ex-wife, and the woman Chandler: I did, but...
Phoebe: Yeah. So, we can do it tomorrow night, touching her is her... close, personal friend. Janice: You seek me out. Something deep in your soul
you guys. It's Valentine's Day. It's perfect. Kristin: You mean they're lovers. calls out to me like a foghorn. Janice, Janice. You want
Monica: Ok, well, what kind of ritual? Ross: If you wanna put a label on it. me. You need me. You can't live without me. And you
Phoebe: Ok. We can, um, we can burn the stuff Kristin: Wow, uh, anything else I should know? know it. You just don't know you know it. See ya.
they gave us. Ross: Nope, nope, that's it. (She kisses him passionately,then leaves.)
Rachel: Or? (Carol takes off her jacket, her pregnant belly is exposed.) Chandler: Call me!
Phoebe: Or...or we can chant and dance around Ross: Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby. I always [Scene: The Chinese Restaurant, Ross and Carol are
naked, you know, with sticks. forget that part. (to Carol and Susan) Helloo! talking. Kristin is not there.]
Monica: Burning's good. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are holding their Carol: It's not true. I never called your mother a
Rachel: Burning's good. Yeah, I got stuff to burn. boyfriend bonfire.] wolverine.
[Scene: The Restaurant, Joey, Lorraine, Chandler, Phoebe: Ok, so now we need, um sage branches and the Ross: You did so. I swear, I swear—(noticing Kristin's
and Janice are at the table. Joey and Lorraine are sacramental wine. absence) How long has she been in the bathroom?
seated very close, Chandler and Janice have Monica: All I have is, is oregano and a Fresca. Carol: Uh, I don't think she's in the bathroom. Her
backed their chairs away from one another.] Phoebe: Um, that's ok! (throws it in fire) Ok. All right. Now coat is gone.
Lorraine: You know, ever since I was little, I've we need the semen of a righteous man. Ross: Well maybe it's cold in there. Or maybe I
been able to pick up quarters with my toes. Rachel: Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that, we screwed up the first date I had in 9 years.
Joey: Good for you. (jumps suddenly) Uh, wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place. Carol: That could be it.
quarters or rolls of quarters? Monica: Can we just start throwing things in? Ross: Oh, god. (He puts his head down on the grill)
Janice: By the way, Chandler. I cut you out of all Phoebe: Ok, yeah, ok. (she throws the directions in) Oh, You know, this is still pretty hot. (He picks his head up,
my pictures. So if you want, I have a bag with just OK. and a mushroom sticks to his head. Carol picks it off
your heads. Rachel: (tossing things in the fire) Ok, Barry's letters. and eats it.)
Chandler: That's OK. Adam Ritter's boxer shorts. Carol: Mushroom. Smile. They won't all be like this.
Janice: Oh, are you sure? Really? Because you Phoebe: Ok, and I have the, uh receipt for my dinner with Some women might even stay through dinner. Sorry,
know, you could make little puppets out of them, Nokululu Oon Ah Ah. that's not funny
and you could use them in your theater of cruelty. Monica: Look, here's a picture of Scotty Jared naked. Ross: No, it's just...you know the whole "getting on
(Lorraine whispers into Joey's ear.) Rachel: (looking at picture) Hey he's wearing a sweater. with your life" thing. Well, do I have to? I mean, I'm
Joey: (to Lorraine) We can't do that. Monica: No. sitting here with this cute woman, and, and, and she's
Chandler: (disgusted) What? What can't you do? Rachel and Phoebe: Eww! perfectly nice, and, but that there's, that's it. And um,
Joey: Uh, can I talk to you for a second, over Rachel: And here we have the last of Paulo's grappa. and then I'm here talkin' to you, and, and it's easy, and
there? Monica: Hey, Rachel, isn't that stuff almost pure... it's fun, and, and I don't, I don't have to...You know,
(Chandler and Joey leave the table.) (Rachel throws the alcohol in the fire. A burst of flames here's a wacky thought. Um, what's say you and I give
Joey: Uh, we might be leaving now. shoots up from it.) it another shot? No no no, I know what you're gonna
Chandler: Tell me it's "you and me" we. [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are there. say, you're a lesbian. But what do you say we just put
Joey: She said she wants to slather my body with Chandler is preparing to dump Janice again.] that aside for now you know? Let's just stick a pin in it,
stuff and then lick it off. I'm not even sure what Chandler: How can I dump this woman on Valentine's ok? Because, we're great together, you know. You
slathering is, but I definitely want to be a part of it. day? can't deny it. Besides, you're carrying my baby. I mean,
Chandler: Ok, you can not do this to me. Joey: I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's. how perfect is that? But see, you know, you keep
Joey: You're right, I'm sorry. You're right. Chandler: Oh, man. In my next life, I'm coming back as a sayin' that, but there's somethin' right here. I love you.
Lorraine: (to waiter) Uh, can we have three toilet brush. (They kiss.)
chocolate mousses to go please? (Janice enters.) Carol: Oh, I love you too. But...
Joey: I'm outta here. Here's my credit card. Janice: Hello, funny Valentine. Ross: No but, no but.
Dinner's on me. I'm sorry, Chandler. Chandler: Hi, Just Janice. Carol: You know that thing you put over here with the
Chandler: I hope she throws up on you. Janice: Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker. I could just kiss pin in it? It's time to take the pin out. You'll find
(Joey leaves with Lorraine. Chandler sits back you all over, and I'm gonna! someone, I know you will. The right woman is just
down with Janice.) (Janice kisses Joey all over. Chandler smiles.) waiting for you.
Chandler: So... Joey: (to Chandler) If you don't do it, I will. Ross: That's easy for you to say, you found one
Janice: Just us. [Scene: The Chinese Restaurant.] already.
Chandler: Oh, what a crappy night! Ross: So, um, what do you do for a living? Carol: All you need is a woman who likes men and
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you'll be set. restaurant. something...something.
(A beautiful woman walks by Ross, he stares at Phoebe: (to Monica's tapping) Yeah, yeah! Rachel: (comes up and rubs him on the chest) Oh
her.) Monica: Well, what kind of food is he looking for? Chandler, I know, I know... oh, hey! You can see your
Carol: Not her. Phoebe: Well, he wants to do some ecclectic, so he's nipples through this shirt!
Closing Credits looking for someone who can, you know, create the entire Monica: (brings a plate of tiny appetizers over) Here
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The girls are talking menu. you go, maybe this'll cheer you up.
with the firemen.] Monica: (excited) Oh my God! Chandler: Ooh, you know, I had a grape about five
Fireman No. 3: We get off around midnight, why Phoebe: Yeah, I know! (turns to Chandler) So, what do hours ago, so I'd better split this with you.
don't we pick you up then? you think? Monica: It's supposed to be that small. It's a
Rachel: So, um, will you bring the truck? Chandler: Thanks, Phoebe. But I just don't really see pre-appetizer. The French call it an amouz-bouche.
Fireman No. 3: I'll even let you ring the bell. myself in a big white hat. Chandler: (tastes it) Well.... it is amouz-ing...
Rachel: Oh, my god. Phoebe: OK. (pause) Oh Monica! Guess what! (Phone rings. Monica answers it.)
Phoebe: See, there you go, the cleansing works! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in, wearing a Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, hi Wendy!
Monica: They're nice guys. suit.] (Listens) Yeah, eight o'clock. (Listens) What did we say?
Rachel: Oh, they're firemen guys. Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt? Ten dollars an hour?... (Listens) OK, great. (Listens) All
[Scene: Out in the hall, the firemen are talking.] Rachel: No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there. right, I'll see you then. Bye. (hangs up)
Fireman No. 1: You guys tell them you were Phoebe: Where are you going, Mr. Suity-Man? Phoebe: Ten dollars an hour for what?
married? Chandler: Well, I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Monica: Oh, I asked one of the waitresses at work if
Fireman No. 2: No way! Pillman, career counselor a-gogo. (pause) I added the she'd help me out.
Fireman No. 3: Are you kidding? My girlfriend "a-gogo." Rachel: (hurt) Waitressing?
doesn't know, I'm not gonna tell them! Rachel: Career counselor? Joey: Uh-oh.
End Chandler: Hey, you guys all know what you want to do. Monica: Well... of course I thought of you! But...
Rachel: I don't! but...
115 The One With the Stoned Guy Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know Rachel: But, but?
what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have Monica: But, you see, it's just... this night has to go
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving Joey, Ross, dreams. I don't have a dream. just perfect, you know? And, well, Wendy's more of a...
and Monica their drinks.] Ross: Ah, the lesser-known "I don't have a dream" speech. professional waitress.
Rachel: (to Joey) Coffee. (Hands it to him.) (Monica enters, excited.) Rachel: Oh! I see. And I've sort of been maintaining
Joey: Thank you. Monica: Oh, I love my life, I love my life! my amateur status so that I can waitress in the
Rachel: (to Ross) Cappuccino. (Hands it to him.) Phoebe: Ooh! Brian's Song! Olympics.
Ross: Grazie. Rachel: The meeting with the guy went great? Chandler: You know, I don't mean to brag, but I
Rachel: And a nice hot cider for Monica. (Hands it Monica: So great! He showed me where the restaurant's waited tables at Innsbruck in '76. (dead silence)
to her.) going to be. It's this, it's this cute little place on 10th Street. Amouz-bouche? (holds out tray)
Monica: Aww, thank you. (Notices something.) Not too big, not too small. Just right. [Scene: Ross' apartment, Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon
Uh Rach? Chandler: Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and (the original, not that cruddy Urge Overkill version) is
Rachel: Yeah? some bears? playing. Ross and Celia are kissing passionately.]
Monica: Why does my cinamon stick have an Monica: So anyway, I'm cooking dinner for him Monday Celia: Talk to me.
eraser? night. You know, kind of like an audition. And Phoebe, he Ross: OK.... um, a weird thing happened to me on the
Rachel: Oh! That's why. (Rachel checks behind really wants you to be here, which will be great for me train this morning...
her ear, and finds a cinamon stick.) I'm sorry! because then you can 'ooh' and 'ahh' and make yummy Celia: No no no. Talk... dirty.
(She takes the pencil out of Monica's coffee and noises. Ross: (embarrassed) Wha... what, here?
Monica puts her cup down in disgust.) Rachel: What are you going to make? Celia: Yes...
Opening Credits Phoebe: (as though Rachel wasn't paying attention) Ross: Ah....
[Scene: Chandler's job, Chandler is typing data Yummy noises. Celia: Say something..... hot.
into his computer, he keeps typing even while Rachel: (pause) And Monica, what are you going to Ross: (panicked) Er.... um.....
taking a drink of coffee with one hand. One of his make? Celia: What?
co-workers walks by.] Monica: I don't know. I don't know. It's just going to be so Ross: Um... uh.... vulva.
Woman: Chandler. great! Commercial Break
Chandler: Mrs. Tedlock. You're looking lovely Phoebe: Ooh! I know what you could make! (runs over to [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Ross are there,
today. And may I say, that is a very flattering join Monica and Rachel in the kitchen) I know! Oh, you discussing what happened last night.]
sleeve length on you. should definitely make that thing... you know, with the Joey: (in disbelief) Vulva?
Mrs. Tedlock: Yes. Well, Mr. Kostelick wants you stuff? (Monica doesn't know.) You know, that thing... with Ross: Alright, I panicked, alright? She took me by
to stop by his office at the end of the day. the stuff...? OK, I don't know. (sits down) surprise. You know, but it wasn't a total loss. I mean,
Chandler: Oh, listen. If this is about those prank Ross: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in we ended up cuddling.
memos, I had nothing to do with them. Really. the neighborhood? Joey: (sarcastic) Whoaa!! You cuddled? How many
Nothing at all. Really. (Chandler tries to hide a Joey: How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce times??
rubber chicken from the woman.) Nothing. steak, it's free. Ross: Shut up! It was nice. I just... I don't think I'm
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but Ross: OK, ahem, hey, does anybody know a good place if the dirty-talking kind of guy, you know?
Chandler. Phoebe runs in, excitedly.] you're not dating a puma? Joey: What's the big deal? You just say what you want
Phoebe: Hey you guys! Chandler's coming and he Chandler: Who are you going out with? to do to her. Or what you want her to do to you. Or
says he has, like, this incredible news, so when he Phoebe: Oh, is this the bug lady? what you think other people might be doing to each
gets here, we could all act like, you know... Rachel: (trying to sound like a bug) Bzzzz.... I love you, other. I'll tell you what. Just try something on me.
(Chandler comes in.) Ross. Ross: (deadpan) Please be kidding.
Chandler: Hey! Ross: Her name is Celia. She's not a bug lady. She's Joey: Why not? Come on! Just, just close your eyes
All: Hey! curator of insects at the museum. and tell me what you'd like to be doing right now.
Phoebe: Never mind. But it was going to be really Rachel: So what are you guys going to do? Ross: OK. (closes eyes) I'm in my apartment...
good. Ross: Oh, I just thought we could go out to dinner, and Joey: ....yeah... what else?
Ross: What's going on? then maybe bring her back to my place and I'd introduce Ross: That's it. I'm in my apartment, you're not there,
All: What is it? her to my monkey. we're not having this conversation. (gets up, walks
Chandler: So, it's a typical day at work. I'm Chandler: And he's not speaking metaphorically. across room)
inputting my numbers, and big Al calls me into his Joey: (aside to Ross) So.... back to your place...you Joey: (walks to catch up to him) Alright, look, I'll start,
office and tells me he wants to make me thinking, maybe... (gestures with hands, back and forth) OK?
processing supervisor. huh-huh? Ross: Joey, please.
All: That's great! Ross: Well, I don't know.... (gestures) huh-huh.... but I'm Joey: Come on. Come on. Alright, ready, look! (in a
Chandler: So.... I quit. hoping (gestures) huh-huh. low voice) Oh... Ross.... you get me so hot. I want your
All: Why? Joey: I'm telling you, that monkey is a chick magnet! She's lips on me now.
Chandler: Why? This was supposed to be a temp going to take one look at his furry, cute little face and it'll Ross: (impressed) Wow.
job! seal the deal. Joey: Alright, now you say something.
Monica: Yeah, Chandler... you've been there for [Scene: Ross's apartment, Marcel is hanging from Celia's Ross: I... ahem... I really don't think so.
five years. hair, and she is screaming, trying to get him off.] Joey: Come on! You like this woman, right?
Chandler: If I took this promotion, it'd be like Ross: Celia, don't worry! Don't scream! He's not going Ross: Yeah.
admitting that this is what I actually do. to hurt you! Soothing tones, Celia. Soothing tones! Joey: You want to see her again, right?
Phoebe: So was it a lot more money? Marcel... Ross: Sure.
Chandler: It doesn't matter. I just don't want to Celia: I can't stand this! He's got his claws in my... Joey: Well if you can't talk dirty to me, how're you
be one of those guys that's in his office until twelve Ross: Alright... (lifts Marcel away) going to talk dirty to her? Now tell me you want to
o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there but Ross caress my butt!
(Everyone looks at him, confused.) and Chandler. Monica is making food, and having everyone Ross: OK, turn around. (Joey looks taken aback) I just
Rachel: ... the WENUS? try it.] don't want you staring at me when I'm doing this.
Chandler: Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. Monica: (to Joey) OK, try this salmon mousse. Joey: (turning around) Alright, alright. I'm around. Go
A processing term. Joey: (tasting) Mmmm. Good. ahead.
Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh. That WENUS. Monica: Is it better than the other salmon mousse? Ross: Ahem... I want.... OK, I want to... feel your...
Joey: So what're you going to do? Joey: It's creamier. hot, soft skin with my lips.
Chandler: I don't know. That's the thing. I don't Monica: Yeah, well, is that better? Joey: There you go! Keep going. Keep going!
know what I want to do. I just know I'm not going Joey: I don't know. We're talking about whipped fish, Ross: I, er...
to figure it out working there. Monica. I'm just happy I'm keeping it down, y'know? (At this point, Chandler walks into the living room from
Phoebe: Oooh! I have something you can do! I (Chandler kicks the door closed, angrily. His clothes are his bedroom. Ross and Joey both have their backs to
have this new massage client... Steve? (pause) askew, he looks beat.) him, so they don't notice. Chandler sees the situation
Anyway, he's opening up a restaurant and he's Rachel: My God! What happened to you? and remains quiet, watching.)
looking for a head chef. Chandler: Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, Ross: I want to take my tongue... and...
Monica: (taps Phoebe on her shoulder) Um... hi intelligence tests, personality tests... and what do I learn? (Chandler is completely astounded.)
there. (he taps the results and reads them) "You are ideally suited Ross: ....and....
Phoebe: Hi! (turns back to Chandler, then to for a career in data processing for a large multinational Joey: Say it... say it!
Monica) Oh, yeah, no, I know. You're a chef. I corporation." Ross: ...run it all over your body until you're...
know, and I thought of you first, but um, Phoebe: That's so great! 'Cause you already know how to trembling with... with...
Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, do that! (Chandler leans back against the wall and Ross and
so.... Chandler: Can you believe it? I mean, don't I seem like Joey hear him. Ross and Joey both notice at the same
Chandler: Yeah... I just don't have that much somebody who should be doing something really cool? time. They slowly stop, and then very slowly turn
cheffing experience. Unless it's an all-toast You know, I just always pictured myself doing around to see Chandler staring at them.)
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Chandler: (smiling)....with?? Monica: I'm so glad you liked them! Chandler: This is unbelievable. It’s been like a half an
Ross: (rushing to explain) Funny story! Steve: Like 'em? I could eat a hundred of them! hour. If this was a cartoon, you’d be looking like a ham
Joey: You're not going to believe this! Monica: Oh, well... um, that's all there are of these. But in right about now.
Chandler: It's OK. It's OK. I was always rooting about eight and a half minutes, we'll be serving some (Ursula Buffay, Phoebe’s identical twin sister, is waiting
for you two kids to get together. delicious onion tartlets. on tables in her inimitable manner.)
Joey: Hey Chandler, while you were sleeping that Steve: Tartlets. Tartlets. Tartlets. The word has lost all Joey: There’s the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello,
guy from your old job called again. meaning. (he gets up and goes into the kitchen) Miss?
Chandler: Again? Rachel: Excuse me? Can I help you with anything? (Ursula spins around looking puzzled, quite unable to
Joey: And again, and again, and again... (phone Steve: You know, I don't know what I'm looking for. tell where the sound is coming from.)
rings, he answers) Hello? (hands phone to (Rachel tries to get Monica's attention to tell her Steve is Chandler: It’s Phoebe! Hi!
Chandler) And again. stoned. She pretends to drag on a joint, and Monica thinks (Ursula notices Joey waving his hand, and comes
Chandler: (on phone) Hey Mr. Kostelic! How's life she's giving her the 'OK' signal. Then Rachel does it again, over.)
on the fifteenth floor? (Listens) Yeah, I miss you inhaling deeply this time. Monica waves it off as though she Ursula: Hi. Okay, will that be all?
too. (Listens) Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to steal doesn't believe it.) Chandler: Wait, wait! Wh-what are you doing here?
pens from your own home, you know? (Listens) Steve: (from kitchen) Ah, cool! Taco shells! (Rachel Ursula: Yeah, um, I was over there, then you said,
Well, that's very generous (Listens) er, but look, motions, "You see!") You know, these are... they're like a "Excuse me, hello Miss," so now I’m here.
this isn't about the money. I need something that's little corn envelope. Joey: No, no... how come you are working here?
more than a job. I need something I can really Monica: (joining him and taking the taco shells) You know Ursula: Right, yeah, ’cause its close to where I live,
care about.... (Listens) And that's on top of the that? You don't want to spoil your appetite. and the aprons are really cute.
yearly bonus structure you mentioned earlier? Steve: (looking in cabinets) Hey! Sugar-O's! (grabs the Chandler: Can we start over?
(Listens) Look, Al, Al... I'm not playing hardball cereal box) Ursula: Yeah. Okay great. I’m gonna be over here.
here, OK? This is not a negotiation, this is a Monica: You know, if you just wait another... six and a (She wanders away.)
rejection! (Listens) No! No! No, stop saying half minutes... Chandler & Joey: No, no, no!
numbers! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong Steve: Macaroni and cheese! We gotta make this! Opening Credits
guy! You've got the wrong guy! (Listens) I'll see Monica: No, we don't. (reaches for box) [Scene: A wintry February day in New York City,
you on Monday! (slams the phone down) Steve: Oh, OK. (he drops the box on the floor) Oh, sorry. snowplows are clearing the streets. Inside Central Perk,
[Scene: Chandler's new window office, he is (When she bends down to pick it up he grabs a package of all three girls are paying court to Ross.]
showing Phoebe around.] Gummi-bears from the cabinet.) Ross: I don’t know whether he’s testing me, or just
Chandler: Well? Monica: Why don't you just have a seat here? (he sits at acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he
Phoebe: (excited) Wow! It's huge! It's so much the table, then tries to secretly eat the Gummi-bears. keeps erasing the messages on my machine,
bigger than the cubicle. Oh, this is a cube. Monica spots him.) OK... give me the Gummi-bears. "supposedly" by accident.
Chandler: Look at this! (he opens the curtain to a Steve: (childishly) No. Rachel: No, yeah, I’ve done that.
view of New York City) Monica: Give them to me. Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the
Phoebe: Oh! You have a window! Steve: Alright, we'll share. newspaper before I did, and peed all over the
Chandler: Yes indeedy! (they look outside) With Monica: No, give me the... crossword.
a beautiful view of... Steve: Well then you can't have any. (she grabs for the Rachel: I’ve never done that.
Phoebe: Oh look! That guy's peeing! package, and it breaks open. Gummi-bears fly everywhere, (Outside in the street, Joey and Chandler arrive, to
Chandler: (walks away from window) OK, that's some into the punch bowl on the table.) Bear overboard! I peer through the window at Phoebe, by bending down
enough of the view. Check this out, look at this. Sit think he's drowning. (he throws some Sugar-O's into the to look underneath the shop’s sign—a large steaming
down, sit down. punch bowl) Hey fellows! Grab on a Sugar-O... save cup of coffee.)
Phoebe: (sitting) OK. yourself! (Mimicking the bears) "Help! I'm Chandler: All right, now look at her and tell me she
Chandler: This is great! (he presses a button on drowning! Help!" doesn’t look exactly like her sister.
his intercom) Helen, could you come in here for a Monica: (furious) That's it! Dinner is over! Joey: I’m sayin’ I see a difference.
moment? Steve: What? Chandler: They’re twins!
(An unamused woman walks into the office.) Monica: What? Joey: I don’t care. Phoebe’s Phoebe. Ursula’s... hot!
Chandler: Thank you Helen, that'll be all. Steve: Why? (Joey and Chandler come indoors.)
(She leaves, obviously perturbed.) Monica: Why? It's just that I've waited seven years for an Chandler: You know that thing, when you and I talk
Chandler: Last time I do that, I promise. opportunity like this, and you can't even wait four and a to each other about things?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the half minutes for a stupid onion tartlet? Joey: Yeah.
phone. Rachel walks in and overhears the (The oven goes off.) Chandler: Let’s not do that any more.
conversation.] Steve: (excited) Hey! (They hang up their coats and scarves, then approach
Monica: (shouting on phone) Wendy, we had a [Scene: Central Perk, all are there except Chandler.] their friends on the main sofa.)
deal! (Listens) Yeah, you promised! Wendy! Joey: What a tool! All: Hey guys! Hey!
Wendy! Wendy! (hangs up) Rachel: You don't want to work for a guy like that. Joey: Hey Pheebs, guess who we saw today.
Rachel: Who was that? Ross: Yeah! Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, fun! Okay... um, Liam Neeson.
Monica: Wendy bailed. I have no waitress. Monica: I know... it's just... I thought this was, you know... Joey: Nope.
Rachel: Oh... that's too bad. Bye bye. (she walks it. Phoebe: Morly Safer.
away towards the door) Ross: Look, you'll get there. You're an amazing chef. Joey: Nope.
Monica: Ten dollars an hour. Phoebe: Yeah! You know all those yummy noises? I Phoebe: The woman who cuts my hair!
Rachel: No. wasn't faking. Monica: Okay, look, this could be a really long game.
Monica: Twelve dollars an hour. (Ross gets up and goes over to the counter and Joey Chandler: Your sister Ursula.
Rachel: Mon. I wish I could, but I've made plans follows him.) Phoebe: (Her face dropping) Oh, really.
to walk around. Joey: (to Ross) So, er... how did it go with Celia? Chandler: Yeah, yeah, she works over at that place,
Monica: You know, Rachel, when you ran out of Ross: Oh, I was unbelievable. uh...
your wedding, I was there for you. I put a roof Joey: All right, Ross! Phoebe: Rift’s. Yeah, I know.
over your head, and if that means nothing to you... Ross: I was the James Michener of dirty talk. It was the Chandler: Oh, you do? Because she said you guys
(Rachel isn't buying it, desperate) twenty dollars most elaborate filth you have ever heard. I mean, there haven’t talked in like years.
an hour. were characters, plot lines, themes, a motif... at one point Phoebe: Hmmm? Yeah. So, um, is she fat?
Rachel: Done. there were villagers. Joey: Not from where I was standin’.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later. Rachel is Joey: Whoa! And the... (gestures with hands) huh-huh? Phoebe: (Turning to Chandler) where were you
waitressing, Monica is cooking. Phoebe walks in Ross: Well, ahem... you know, by the time we'd finished standing?
with Steve (Crystal Duck winner Jon Lovitz).] with all the dirty talk, it was kinda late... and we were both Rachel: Um, Pheebs, so, you guys just don’t get
Rachel: Well hello! Welcome to Monica's. May I kind of exhausted, so uh... along?
take your coat? Joey: You cuddled. Phoebe: It’s mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I
Monica: Hi Steve! Ross: Yeah, which was nice. mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the
Steve: Hello, Monica. (to Rachel) Hello, greeter Phoebe: You guys wanna try and catch a late movie or pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to
girl. something? start walking, even though I did it... later that same
Monica: (to Steve) This is Rachel. Rachel: Maybe, but shouldn't we wait for Chandler? day. But, to my parents, by then it was like "yeah, right,
Steve: (unconcerned) Yeah, OK. Joey: Yeah, where the hell is he? well what else is new?"
Phoebe: (overemphasizing) Mmmmmm! [Scene: Chandler's office, he's on the phone, agitated.] Ross: Oh, Pheebs, I’m sorry, I’ve got to go. I’ve got
Everything smells so delicious! You know, I can't Chandler: (on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, Lamaze class.
remember a time I smelt such a delicious but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!... Chandler: Oh, and I’ve got Earth Science, but I'll
combination of (Monica signals her to stop) of, OK, (Listens) Oh, really, really, really? Well, let me tell you catch you in Gym.
smells. something... you will care about it, because I care about it! Rachel: So, is this just gonna be you and Carol?
Steve: It's a lovely apartment. You got it? Good! (slams phone down, then leans back and Ross: No, Susan’s gonna be there too. We’ve got dads,
Monica: Oh, thank you. Would you like a tour? realizes what just happened) Whooooaaaa.... we’ve got lesbians, the whole parenting team.
Steve: I was just being polite, but, alright. Closing Credits Rachel: Well, isn’t, isn’t that gonna be weird?
(They leave on the tour and Rachel goes to follow [Scene: Phoebe's massage parlour, she has Steve on the Ross: No, no. (Distractedly putting on a jacket to go
them but Phoebe stops her and drags her into the table, and is giving him an extra-painful massage.] out) I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I, I
kitchen.) Phoebe: How's this? (presses down hard) think I’m pretty comfortable with the whole situation.
Rachel: What's up? Steve: Eeeee! Monica: Ross, that’s my jacket.
Phoebe: (whispers) In the cab, on the way over, Phoebe: Sorry. How about over here? (presses down hard Ross: I know.
Steve blazed up a doobie. again) (Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket, grabs
Rachel: What? Steve: Aaaaah! his own, and rushes out.)
Phoebe: Smoked a joint? You know, lit a bone? Phoebe: See, that just means it's working. Does this hurt? [Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio
Weed? Hemp? Ganja? (presses down elsewhere) sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher,
Rachel: OK, OK. I'm with you, Cheech. OK. Steve: No. who’s got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol,
Steve: (from the living room) Is it dry in here? Phoebe: What about this? (she starts using her elbows on and Susan.]
(licks his lips) his back, he yells in pain) Woman: Hi, we’re the Rostins. Err, I’m J.C., and he’s
Rachel: Let me, let me get you some wine! Steve: Aaaaahhh!! Michael, and we’re having a boy, and a girl.
Monica: Yeah, I think we're ready for our first Phoebe: There you go! (She continues to work him over Teacher: Good for you. Alrighty, next?
course. (Steve sits, Monica brings over a tray) OK, with her elbows and he continues to yell in pain.) Ross: Hi, um, I’m err, (has to clear his throat) I’m Ross
um, these are rot-shrimp ravioli, and celantro End Geller, and err ah... (pats Carol’s bulge) ..that’s, that’s
pondou sauce... (Steve starts to eat them one by my boy in there, and uh, (points) this is Carol Willick,
one, quickly)... with just a touch of mints... and... 116 The One With Two Parts, part 1 and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carol’s, just,
(he finishes)... ginger. com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor
Steve: Well, smack my ass and call me Judy! [Scene: Rift’s Restaurant, as seen in Mad About You, Joey fellow, who becomes incoherent until) ..who’s next?
These are fantastic! and Chandler are there.] Teacher: I’m sorry, I didn’t get... Susan is?
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Ross: Susan is Carol’s, Carol’s, Carol’s, friend... Joey: Cool, thanks. Phoebe: (Smiling blankly) Right, and it’s me.
Carol: Life partner. (He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to Jamie: So, so you’re here too?
Ross: Like buddies. worry about, then exits. Rachel and Monica are concerned Phoebe: Much as you are.
Susan: Like lovers. for poor Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.) Jamie: (Without moving her lips) Your turn.
Ross: You know how close women can get. Ross: You okay? Fran: Err... we know what we want.
(The teacher smiles, but her eyebrows go up. Phoebe: Yeah I’m fine. Phoebe: (Philosophically) Oh, that’s good.
Susan and Carol pat each other affectionately.) Ross: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley? Jamie: All we want is two Caffe Lattes.
Carol: Susan and I live together. (The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin Fran: And some biscotti cookies.
Ross: Although I was married to her. lilt. Rachel and Monica do a little dance with their Phoebe: Good choice.
Susan: Carol, not me. chopsticks, and Phoebe has to grin as Ross joins in the (Phoebe turns away so that the two weird women
Ross: Err, right. rhythm.) won’t see the face she pulls, and sits down.)
Carol: It’s a little complicated. [Scene: Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each couple has a Jamie: Definitely her.
Ross: A little. doll, for they have just finished learning how to change a Fran: Yeah.
Susan: But we’re fine. diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on the Rostins’ pretend Commercial break
Ross: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He [Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is watching a
to him.) So, twins... hah! That’s like two births. (He performs emergency surgery, then hands the doll back to Spanish version of The Waltons. At a nearby table sit
struggles again.) Ouch. J.C.] Monica knitting, Rachel winding a ball of wool, and
[Scene : Chandler's Office, Chandler is working.] Ross: Sorry. Chandler supplying them both from a skein which is
(Helen’s buzzer is heard on the intercom, so Ross: Hi. Sorry I’m late. Where’s, where’s Carol? spread between his hands.]
Chandler presses his button, too.) Susan: Stuck at school. Some parent-teacher thing. You (Phoebe uses the remote to stop the Spanish by
Chandler: And (he imitates the buzzer) to you too, can go. I’ll get the information. turning off the television.)
Helen. Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we Monica: I can’t believe you. You still haven’t told that
Helen: (Over the intercom) Nina Bookbinder is should both know what’s going on. girl she doesn’t have a job yet?
here to see you. Susan: Oh, good. This’ll be fun. Chandler: Well, you still haven’t taken down the
Chandler: Oh, okay. Send her in. Teacher: Alrighty. We’re gonna start with some basic third Christmas lights.
(He hurriedly checks his hair in his computer stage breathing exercises, so Mummies, why don’t you get Monica: Congratulations, I think you’ve found the
screen, before taking a sporting trophy from a on your back? And... coaches, you should be supporting world’s thinnest argument.
drawer to place ostentatiously on his desk. An Mummy’s head. Chandler: I’m just trying to find the right moment,
attractive young woman opens the door.) (Ross and Susan each gesture for the other to lie down.) you know?
Nina: Hi. Ross and Susan: What? What? What? Rachel: Oh, well, that shouldn’t be so hard, now that
Chandler: Hi, Nina. Come on in. Susan: I am supposed to be the mommy? you’re dating. (Imitating men at their worst)
Nina: You wanted to see me? Ross: Okay, I’m gonna play my sperm card one more "Sweetheart, you’re fired, but how ’bout a quickie
Chandler: Uh, Yes. Yes. I’ve just been going over time. before I go to work?"
your data here, and little thing, you’ve been Susan: Look, I don’t see why I should have to miss out on (Joey lets himself in, carrying a large paper shopping
post-dating your Friday numbers. the coaching training just because I’m a woman. bag.)
Nina: Which is bad, because? Ross: I see. So what do you propose to do? Joey: Hey.
Chandler: Well, it throws my WENUS out of Susan: I will flip you for it. Rachel and Chandler: Hey.
whack. Ross: Flip me for it? No, no, no... heads, heads, heads! (There is a loud knocking at the door through which
Nina: Your... excuse me? Susan: (Triumphantly) On your back... Mom. Joey has just entered.)
Chandler: WENUS. (Coughs) Weekly Estimated (Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Chandler: You know, once you’re inside, you don’t
Net... Susan’s lap like all the other fathers.) have to knock any more.
Nina: Oh, Net Usage Statistics, right. Gotcha, Teacher: Alright, Mommies, take a nice deep cleansing Monica: I’ll get it.
gotcha. Won’t happen again. I wouldn’t want to do breath. (She rises, dragging Chandler along by the wool.
anything to hurt your... "wenus." (Forgetting herself, Susan does the "Mommy" action with Rachel has to leap over a chair to follow them. Monica
(Nina beams flirtatiously at Chandler, who catches Ross.) opens the door to find Mr. Heckles standing there.)
her drift, but for once he’s lost for something to Teacher: Good. Now imagine your vagina is opening like a Monica: Oh. Hi, Mr.Heckles.
say – so she nods her head to tell him that flower. Mr.Heckles: You’re doing it again.
he’s thinking correctly...) (Ross comes out of character to glare into the distance.) Monica: We’re not doing anything. We’re just sitting
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and [Scene: Chandler's Office. Chandler is playing with a toy as around talking, quietly.
the girls are dividing some Chinese takeout, while his boss Mr. Douglas knocks and opens the door.] Mr.Heckles: I can hear you through the ceiling. My
the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the TV.] Chandler: Mr. D, how’s it going, sir? cats can’t sleep.
Chandler: It’s not just that she’s cute, okay. It’s Mr. Douglas: Ohh, it’s been better. The Annual Net Usage Rachel: You don’t even have cats.
just that... she’s really really cute. Statistics are in. Mr.Heckles: I could have cats.
Ross: It doesn’t matter. You don’t dip your pen in Chandler: And? Monica: (Closing the door) Goodbye Mr.Heckles.
the company ink. Mr. Douglas: It’s pretty ugly. We haven’t seen an ANUS Rachel: We’ll try to keep it down.
(Marcel scampers about, interfering with the this bad since the seventies. (The wool-bound trio returns to the table. Rachel has
neatness.) Chandler: So what does this mean? to rush ahead to avoid becoming tangled. Joey brings
Monica: Ross, your little creature’s got the Mr. Douglas: Well, we’re gonna be layin’ off people in the shopping bag over to Phoebe, and takes out a nice
remote again. every department. cardigan.)
Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Chandler: Hey, listen, I know I came in late last week, but Joey: Phoebe, could you do me a favour? Could you
Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right I slept funny, and my hair was very very – try this on? I just wanna make sure it fits.
now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote... Mr. Douglas: Not you. Relax. Ever have to fire anyone? Phoebe: Ooh, my first birthday present... (delightedly
(Marcel points the remote at Monica’s television, [Scene: Chandler's Office, later that day, Nina is in his examining the cardigan in her lap) ..oh, this is really...
pressing a particular combination of keys. The logo office.] Joey: Oh, no no no. It’s for Ursula. I just figured, you
SAP appears on the screen, and suddenly the Chandler: Nina? Nina. (He goes around his desk to where know, size-wise.
dialogue is dubbed into Spanish.) she is sitting.) Nina. (In pain) Nina. Phoebe: Ohhh... Sure, yeah... (disgustedly dropping
Monica: Great. (She sympathetically reaches out to fondle the inner thigh the cardigan back into the bag) ..okay, it fits.
Ross: Relax, I’ll fix it. of his left leg.) (The others have been taking all this in.)
Rachel: (Looking at the television) Cool... "Urkel" Nina: Are you okay? Rachel: Are you seein’ her again tonight?
in Spanish is "Urkel." Chandler: (Looking down at her hand) Yes, yes I am. Err, Joey: Yep. Ice Capades.
Ross: (looking at the remote) How did he do this? listen, the reason that I called you in here today was, err... Chandler: Wow, this is serious. I’ve never known you
Chandler: (Looking out at the balcony) So tell me please don’t hate me. to pay money for any kind of capade.
something, is leaving the Christmas lights up part Nina: (Taking her hand away) What? Joey: I don’t know. I like her, you know. She’s
of your plan to keep us merry all year long? Chandler: (Suddenly bright) Would you like to have different. There’s uh, somethin’ about her.
(Rachel slowly spins around, finally noticing that dinner sometime? Phoebe: That you like, (snappily confronting Joey
the lights have outstayed their welcome.) (Nina gasps in surprise and relief.) over the heads of the knitting circle) we get it. You like
Monica: Ah no, you see, someone was supposed [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is at the counter, serving her. Great!
to take them down around New Year’s... but coffee to Phoebe.] (The circle freezes in apprehension.)
obviously someone forgot. Rachel: So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday? Joey: Hey, Phoebe, I asked you, and you said it was
Rachel: Well, someone was supposed to write Phoebe: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive okay.
"Rach, take down the lights" and put it on the re... and enjoy it with me. Phoebe: Alright, well, maybe now it’s not okay.
frigerate... (finally noticing Monica’s note stuck to Rachel: Okay... Let me put it this way. Anything from Joey: Okay... Well maybe now I’m not okay with it not
the refrigerator) How long has that been there? Crabtree and Evelyn? being okay.
(Joey enters, looking extremely pleased with Phoebe: Ooh! Bath salts would be nice. Phoebe: Okay.
himself.) Rachel: Ooh, okay... good. (An embarrassed silence... finally broken by)
Chandler: Hey, where you been? (Jamie Buchman and Fran Devanow enter the coffee house. Chandler: Knit, good woman, knit, knit!
Joey: I went back to Riff’s. I think Ursula likes me. They look about them as Jamie removes her coat and (Monica frantically bursts into action as Rachel
All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna scarf.) resumes winding, tangling Chandler’s wool.)
melt and four plates of curly fries. Jamie: What is this place?
Chandler: Score. Fran: Look, you’re cold, I have to pee, and... (indicating
Joey: She is so hot! the sign) ..there’s a cup of coffee on the window. How bad [Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler & Nina are locked
Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do could it be? in a passionate embrace. Someone knocks, so they
anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by err... (Jamie notices Phoebe sitting at the counter.) hurriedly separate to stare out of the window.
(he indicates Phoebe, who is helping Ross Jamie: I think we have an answer. Chandler’s boss opens the door.]
understand the remote control.) Fran: What’s she doing here? Chandler: And that’s the Chrysler Building right there.
Joey: Pheebs? Jamie: This could be God’s way of telling us to eat at Mr. Douglas: Nina.
Phoebe: (Jumping up) Yeah? home. Nina: Mr.Douglas... (flirting defensively) ..cool tie.
Joey: You think it would be okay if I asked out Fran: Think she got fired at Riff’s? (She escapes, fortunately so distracting Mr. Douglas,
your sister? Jamie: No, no, no. We were there last night. She kept... that he misses Chandler’s expression of alarm & guilt.)
Phoebe: Why? Why would you wanna... do (shuddering at the memory) ..bringing swordfish. Mr. Douglas: (Shutting the door, then pointing
that? Why? (Indicating the ladies’ bathroom) are you gonna go to the, vaguely at Nina’s shapely departure) She’s still here.
Joey: So that if we went out on a date, she’d be um? Chandler: Yes, yes she is. Didn’t I memo you on this?
there. Fran: I’m gonna wait till after we order. It’s her, right. See, after I let her go, err, I got a call from her
Phoebe: Well, I mean, I’m not my sister’s, you Jamie: It looks like her. psychiatrist, Dr. Flanen-nen, Dr. Flanen, Dr. Flan.
know, whatever, and um... I mean, it’s true, we (Phoebe walks by, ignoring the two strangers.) (Thinking quickly, Chandler desperately tries to
were one egg, once, but err, you know, we’ve Jamie: Um, excuse me. remember anything to do with schizophrenia....)
grown apart, so, um... I don’t know, why not? Phoebe: Yeah? Chandler: And err, he informed me that uh, she took
Okay. Jamie: Hi, it’s us. the news rather badly, in fact, he uh, mentioned the
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word frenzy. Chandler: Oh, you don’t know. (Presses a button.) Helen, enter. Rachel is limping and leaning on Monica for
Mr. Douglas: You’re kidding? She seems so... could you make sure we put through the paperwork on support.]
Chandler: Oh, no, no. Nina... (miming fairies Miss Bookbinder’s raise? Rachel: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow.
twinkling around his head) ..she is whooo Helen: (Over the intercom) So you still want me to send Ow. Ow. Ow.
wewee-woo whoo whoo! In fact, if you asked her her psychological profile to Personnel? (They reach the desk. The bored nurse thinks she's
right now, she would have no recollection of being Nina: What? heard it all before.)
fired at all, none at all. Chandler: Helen drinks. (Insincerely) Will you marry me? Monica: Hi. Uh, my friend here was taking down our
Mr. Douglas: That’s unbelievable. (Nina puts her hands on her hips, then gives Chandler a Christmas lights, and and she fell off the balcony and
Chandler: And yet, believable. So I decided not to quizzical look.) may have broken her foot or or ankle or something.
fire her again until I can be assured that she will be [Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Nurse: My god. You still have your Christmas lights
no threat to herself, or others. Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica up?
Mr. Douglas: I see. I guess you never really know carefully reads the instruction manual for her television (Rachel glares at the nurse, who gives Monica a form
what’s goin’ on inside a person’s head. set.] attached to a clipboard.)
Chandler: Well, I guess that’s why they call it Chandler: Well, I ended up telling her everything. Nurse: Fill this out and bring it back to me.
psychology, sir. Rachel: Oh, how’d she take it? (Monica helps Rachel over to a vacant seat.)
(Mr. Douglas screws up his eyes, trying to credit Chandler: Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing. (He Rachel: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow.
what Bing has just said, but turning to follow Nina holds up a bandaged hand.) Little tip: if you’re ever in a (Monica starts on the form, while Rachel catches her
down the corridor, he realises Bing must be telling similar situation, never ever leave your hand... (he mimes breath and massages her ankle.)
the truth, since he would not have any personal Nina taking her revenge) ..on the desk. Monica: Okay, ooh, alright. Name, address... Okay, in
interest in the girl, would he?) Monica: Okay, I think I get how to do this. case of emergency, call?
[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, (Monica points the remote at her TV, and punches out a Rachel: You.
cradled in Susan’s lap, but now Carol is cradled in key combination from the book, but the dreaded SAP logo Monica: Really?
his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. remains and Spanish still comes forth.) Rachel: Yeah.
The teacher is showing her class a video, which is Phoebe: Alright, so, can we turn this off? Can we just Monica: Oh, that is so sweet. (Touched, she puts an
about to end.] make it... make them go away? Because I can’t, I can’t arm around her friend and kisses her.) Oh gosh, love
Soothing male voice: ..a sound Mom and Dad watch. you. Insurance?
never forget. For this after all, is the miracle of Monica: (Remotely turning off the television) okay, Rachel: Oh, yeah, check it. Definitely, I want some of
birth. Pheebs, they’re gone. that.
Teacher: Lights please? And that’s having a baby. Phoebe: Okay. Monica: (No longer touched) you don't have
Next week is our final class. Monica: Are you alright? insurance?
(People start getting up. Ross grabs Carol’s doll to Phoebe: Yeah. It’s just, you know, it’s this whole stupid Rachel: Why, how much is this gonna cost?
hold it upside down like a football, slapping it with Ursula thing, it’s... Monica: I have no idea, but X-rays alone could be a
his other hand.) Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, can I ask? So, he’s going out with couple hundred dollars.
Ross: Susan, go deep. her. I mean, is it really so terrible? Rachel: Wel-wel-well what are we gonna do?
(Susan just glares back, as Ross’s inappropriate Phoebe: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, I’m not saying she’s like Monica: Well there's not much we can do.
joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a bubble is about to evil or anything. She just, you know, she’s always breaking Rachel: (Like a big baby) Um... unless, unless I use
burst...) my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldn’t let her have my yours.
Carol: This is impossible. It’s just impossible. Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. And Monica: Hah, no no no no no no no no no no.
Susan: What is, honey? then, oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like... Rachel: (Tapping the clipboard) well, now, wait a
Carol: What that woman... did. I am not doin’ Have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best second, who did I just put as my "In case of
that. It’s just gonna have to stay in, that’s all, friend? emergency" person?
everything will be the same, it’ll just stay in. Monica and Rachel: (Wistfully, shaking their heads) No. Monica: (Looking around to check that no-one's
Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everything’s Phoebe: Well, but that’s what he was for me. And she you listening, then lowering her voice anyway) That's
gonna be alright. know, kind of stole him away, and then... broke his heart... insurance fraud.
Carol: (Turning on Ross) OH, WHAT DO YOU and then he wouldn’t even talk to me any more. Because Rachel: Well, alright, then, forget it. (Getting up to go)
KNOW? NO-ONE’S GOING UP TO YOU AND he said he didn’t wanna be around... anything that looked Might as well just go home. Ow ow ow ow!
SAYING, "HI, IS THAT YOUR NOSTRIL? MIND IF like either one of us. Monica: (Jumping up to make Rachel sit down) Okay,
WE PUSH THIS POT ROAST THROUGH IT?" Rachel: Oh... Oh, Pheebs. okay. I hate this.
Susan: Carol, Carol, sweetie. Cleansing breath. Phoebe: I mean, I know Joey is not my boyfriend, or my Rachel: Thank you. Thank you. I love you.
(Both women gulp in air. Ross looks at his thermos, or anything, but... Monica: (to the nurse) Hi, (tiny laugh) um, I'm gonna
"football," then manipulates the head & limbs back Chandler: You’re not gonna lose him. need a new set of (tiny laugh) these forms (tiny laugh).
into place, until it resembles what it represents.) Monica: Hon, you gotta talk to Joey. Nurse: Why?
Susan: I know it’s frightening, but, big picture. Phoebe: Yeah. Okay. Monica: (Tiny laugh) I am really an idiot. (Tiny laugh)
The birth part is just one day, and when it’s over, Ross: No, come on, he doesn’t know this stuff. If he knew you see, I was filling out my friend's form, and instead
we’re all gonna be parents for the rest of our lives. how you felt. of putting her information, (tiny laugh) I put mine.
(Ross is staring blankly into space.) Phoebe: But he’s falling in love with her. Nurse: You are an idiot. (She hands over a blank
Susan: I mean, that’s what this is all about, right? Rachel: Oh please, they’ve been going out a week. They form).
Ross? Ross? haven’t even slept together yet, I mean, that’s not serious. Monica: (Tiny laugh) yep, that's me, (tiny laugh) I am
[Scene 13: Central Perk, the gang is gathered Phoebe: Okay... Okay. that stupid (tiny laugh).
around Monica comforting her brother, who in a (Monica and Ross indicate that they mean right now.) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, has split up his
slight state of shock is cuddling a cushion for Phoebe: Oh, okay, oh. newspaper so Joey can look at the funnies, while
security.] (Phoebe gets up and walks across the hallway, but the Ross's inappropriate joke at Lamaze class has come
Ross: I’m gonna be a father. door to Chandler and Joey’s apartment is shut. She knocks, back to haunt him.]
Rachel: This is just occurring to you? and anxiously waits for Joey to come, but instead her Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing
Ross: I always knew I was havin’ a baby, I just identical twin sister emerges wearing one of Joey’s shirts.) football with my kid.
never realised the baby was having me. Ursula: (Surprised) Oh. Chandler and Joey: That's nice.
Rachel: (She comforts him too) Oh, you’re gonna (Phoebe reels back in shock, while Ursula defiantly leans Ross: No, no, with him. (He mimes holding the baby
be great! against the doorpost as though she owns the place.) like a football.) I'm on this field, and they, they hike
Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I can’t even get Ursula: Yeah, um, may we help you? me the baby... and I, I know I've gotta do something
Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I Closing Credits 'cause the Tampa Bay defence is comin' right at me.
gonna raise a kid? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is taking Joey: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are down the Christmas lights. Monica sees her, so she leans Ross: Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm
now saying that, that monkeys and babies are out of the small side window.] thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, hah-hah, I just
actually different. Monica: Rachel, what are you doing? It’s freezing out here. heave it down field.
(Joey tires of this, so he gets up to leave.) Would you come back inside? Chandler: What are you crazy? That's a baby!
Phoebe: Where’re you going? Rachel: No no no no no. You wanted me to take them Joey: He should take the sack?
Joey: Out. down, so... (she climbs onto the railing to reach the top of Ross: Anyway, suddenly I'm down field, and I realise
Phoebe: With? a pole) ..I’m takin’ ’em down. Okay? Whoa! (Screams.) that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right?
Joey: (Spreading his arms wide) Yes. (Rachel slips, loses her balance, and falls over the edge..) Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in
Phoebe: Alright, could I just ask you one Monica: Oh-my-god Rachel! (Rushing out to look over the time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is
question? edge) Rachel! when I woke up. See I, I am so not ready to be a
(Joey nods his head.) (In the apartment below, Mr.Heckles is trying to relax and father.
Phoebe: Have you two, you know... like... you read his newspaper, but Rachel is helplessly dangling Chandler: Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of
know... you know... yet? upside-down with her ankle wrapped up in the Christmas the most caring, most responsible men in North
Joey: Well, not that it’s any of your business, but, lights.) America. You're gonna make a great dad.
no, we haven’t, okay? Rachel: (To Monica) I’m okay! I’m okay! (She knocks on Joey: Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better
(Joey walks toward the door, then hesitates and Mr. Heckles's window.) Mr. Heckles, Mr. Heckles could you blocking.
turns back.) help me please? (Feeling a little better, Ross fetches more coffee.)
Joey: You meant sex, right? Mr.Heckles: See, this is just the kind of thing I was talking Joey: Oh, have either one of you guys ever been to
(Phoebe buttons her lip, while the rest of the gang about. the Rainbow Room? Is it real expensive?
pretend they’re not there.) End Chandler: Well, only if you order stuff.
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is working as Joey: I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.
Nina knocks, then opens the door.] English translations... Ross: Wo-wo-whoa. What about Phoebe's birthday?
Nina: Do you have a sec? Snow-ploughs are clearing the streets. Joey: When's that?
Chandler: Ah, sure, Nina. What’s up? Ross has got antenatal class. Ross: Tonight.
Nina: I don’t know. For the past couple days, The girls divide some Chinese takeaway. Joey: Oh, man. What're the odds of that happening?
people have been avoiding me and giving me Ursula brought a toasted tuna sandwich (Joey begins to contemplate his ill fortune.)
these really strange looks. and four plates of crinkle cut chips. Ross: You take your time.
Chandler: Oh, well, ah... maybe that’s because You wanna watch Laverne and Shirley? (Joey looks at his friends, thinks a bit more, then
they’re ah... jealous, of us. Each couple learns how to change a nappy. realises.)
Nina: Maybe. But that doesn’t explain why they The ladies’ toilet. Chandler: There it is! So what're you gonna do?
keep taking my scissors. We want two creamy espressos Joey: What can I do? Look, I don't want to do
Chandler: Ah, well, maybe that’s, ah, because and some biscuits biscuits. anything to screw it up with Ursula.
you’re getting a big raise. Chandler: And your friend Phoebe?
Nina: I am? 117 The One With Two Parts, Part 2 Joey: Well, if she's my friend, hopefully she'll
Chandler: Sure, why not? understand. I mean, wouldn't you guys?
Nina: Oh my god! (Rushing over to give him a big Opening Credits Chandler: Man, if you tried something like that on my
hug) You’re amazing! [Scene: An Emergency Room, Rachel and Monica birthday, you'd be starin' at the business end of a hissy
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fit. that. We can do stuff together. You always wanted to go to Rachel: (as Monica) I use my breasts to get other
(Joey gestures to show that he wouldn't dare...) that Colonial Williamsburg. How 'bout we do that? people's attention.
[Scene: The Hospital, Monica and Rachel are Ross: Thanks, Dad, really, I ju... you know, I just, I just Monica: (as Rachel) (Revealing her anger to point at
waiting for the doctors to arrive. They enter and needed to know, um... when did you start to feel like a her best friend) We both do that!
are played by Noah Wyle and George Clooney.] father? (Rachel lets her anger show too. Hideously
Dr. Mitchell: ..you add a pinch of saffron, it Mr. Geller: Oh, well, I, I guess it musta been the day after embarrassed, the doctors drain their glasses in the
makes all the difference. you were born. We were in the hospital room, your mother vicious pause which follows. The telephone rings, but
(They approach the young ladies. Dr. Mitchell was asleep, and they brought you in and gave you to me. the girls just glower at each other, silently daring the
consults Ms.Geller's admissions form.) You were this ugly little red thing, and all of a sudden you other to move first. Finally both guys jump up, and
Dr. Mitchell: Okay, errrr, Monica? grabbed my finger with your whole fist. And you squeezed Michael wins.)
Monica: Yes? (jumping as Rachel punches her it, so tight. And that's when I knew. Dr. Mitchell: (on the phone) Monica and Rachel's
arm) ..yes, she is. (Ross is so moved by his father's charming story, that he apartment. Err yeh, aayah, yeh, just one second...
Rachel (as Monica): Hi, this is my friend Rachel. stops eating.) (handing it to Monica) ..ah, Rachel, it's your dad.
Monica (as Rachel): Hi. Mr. Geller: So you don't wanna go to Williamsburg? Monica: (as Rachel) Hi, Dad. No, no, it's me. (Getting
Dr. Mitchell: (Smiling) Hi, err Rachel. I'm Ross: No, we can go to Williamsburg. up to move further away from Rachel) li-listen, Dad, I
Dr.Mitchell. Mr. Geller: Eat your fish. can't talk right now, um, but there's something, um...
Dr. Rosen: (Smiling even more and attempting to [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is just getting off of there's something that I've been meaning to tell you...
take over) And I'm his friend, Dr.Rosen. the intercom and turns off the TV which is still in the SAP (Monica glares triumphantly across the room, scaring
(Monica and Rachel smile back prettily.) mode.] Rachel who also stands up.)
Rachel: Aren't you a little cute to be a doctor? Monica: Rachel, the cute doctors are here. Rachel: Would you excuse me for a second?
Dr. Rosen: Excuse me? Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, coming! Monica: (as Rachel) Remember back in freshman year?
Rachel: I meant er, (struggling to concentrate) (Monica opens the door for Dr. Mitchell and Dr. Geoffrey.) (Talking fast before Rachel can catch her) Well, Billy
young, young, I meant young, young to be a Monica: Hi, come on in. Dreskin and I had sex on your bed.
doctor. Oh good, Rach. Dr. Mitchell: Hey. (Completely undone by Monica's verbal destruction,
Monica (as Rachel): Thank you. Monica: Hi, Geoffrey. Rachel almost loses her balance as she staggers
Rachel (as Monica): Right. Rachel: Hi. backwards, eyes agog, gasping for breath, and literally
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone but Joey is Dr. Rosen: Ah here, we brought wine. not knowing which way to turn. Finally, she escapes
waiting for Phoebe to arrive for her surprise Dr. Mitchell: Look at this, it's from the cellars of Ernest into the bathroom while a resigned Dr. Mitchell looks
birthday party. Rachel and Monica is telling and Tova Borgnine, so how could we resist? philosophically at Dr. Rosen who seems about remind
Chandler about Rachel's incident.] Rachel: Oh, that's great. Look at that. him of the good old days at the pagan altar.)
Rachel: ..so, he said it was just a sprain, and that Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, how's the ankle? Commercial Break
was it. Monica: It's uh... [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Ross,
Monica: Uh, you left out the stupid part. (Rachel discreetly coughs to warn her.) Phoebe, Chandler and Monica sit round the coffee
Rachel: Not stupid. The very cute, cute, cute Monica (as Rachel): ..well, why don't you tell them? After table, playing Scrabble. Rachel, still in her dressing
doctors asked us out for tomorrow night, and I all it, is your ankle. gown, is pleading on the phone, her free hand shaking
said "yes." Rachel (as Monica): You know what, it's feeling a lot with agitation.]
Monica: I think it's totally insane, I mean, they better, thank you, um... Well, listen, why don't you two sit Rachel: (on phone) Daddy... Daddy... Daddy, why
work for the hospital. It's like returning to the down and, and we'll get you some glasses... okay... (They whyyy would I sleep with Billy Dreskin? His father tried
scene of the crime. You know, I say we blow off don't know what to do with their coats and Monica points to put you out of business! (Rachel turns to Monica,
the dates. to the living room) STAT! clasping the receiver to her bosom so Dr.Green can't
Rachel: What? Monica, they are cute, they are (Rachel joins Monica who is in the kitchen area, opening hear, while mouthing "You are...") ...dead!
doctors, (spelling it out in the air for her slow the wine bottle. Rachel checks that the doctors aren't (Monica smiles a sweet apology of regret, until she's
friend) cute doctors, doctors who are cute! listening, then lowers her voice anyway.) distracted by Marcel as he clambers all over her nice
Chandler: Alright, what have we learned so far? Rachel: Okay, listen, I'm thinking, why don't we just tell furniture.)
(There is a knock at the door. Someone turns the them who we really are? I mean, it'll be fine, I really think Monica: Ross, he's got the remote again.
music off, then the whole party runs and hides, it'll be fine. Ross: Good. Maybe he can switch it back.
except for Monica and Rachel who answer their Monica: It will not be fine. We'll get in trouble. (Marcel changes channel to Bugs Bunny, who is
door. Ross stands in the doorway, holding a box, Rachel: Oh, Monica! Would you stop being such a wuss? speaking in Spanish.)
but everyone is too keyed up to notice that it's Monica: A wuss? Excuse me for living in the real world, Ross: Maybe not.
him.) okay? (Meanwhile, Rachel has taken another call, from a
The Whole Party: (Jumping up) SURPRISE!!! (Back at the couch, Dr. Mitchell and Dr. Rosen have nurse she'd hoped never to hear from again.)
(Ross is so startled that he throws his arms up to concerns of their own.) Rachel: Hello? (Listens) Um, yeah, uh, (snapping her
defend himself. The box takes off, then lands with Dr. Mitchell: So? fingers at Ross who takes the remote from Marcel,
a squishy thud, its contents oozing out onto the Dr. Rosen: So... they sss-still seem normal. then turns off the TV) Okay ah, hold on a second,
floor. Ross is not pleased.) Dr. Mitchell: That's because they are. lemme lemme just check and see if see if she's here.
Ross: What the hell are you doing? You scared the Dr. Rosen: (Nervously) okay, but you have to admit that (All animosity forgotten, Rachel holds the receiver out
crap outta me. every time we go out... Women we meet at the hospital... as she limps quickly over to her friend, who stands up
Rachel: Was that the cake? It turns into... in concern.)
Ross: Yeah, yeah. I got a lemon schmush. Dr. Mitchell: Willya relax? Look around. No pagan altars, Rachel: It's the woman from the hospital admissions
Monica: Come on, she'll be here any minute. no piles of bones in the corners, they're fine. (Baring his office. She says there's a problem with the form. Oh,
(The whole party gathers round as Ross puts the teeth to clean them with his finger) Go like this. (Dr. Rosen god, oh god...
box on the coffee table.) obeys.) Rachel and Monica: Oh god, waddawe do, waddawe
Rachel: I hope it's okay. (Meanwhile, back at the sink.) do, waddawe do?
(As Ross opens the lid, everybody looks at the Monica: I said we are not going to do it, okay? Sometimes Monica: I don't know! Why don't you just explain?
mess inside.) you can be such a, a big baby. What do they want? Find out what they want!
Monica: Oh... Rachel: (Resenting the truth) I am not a baby! You know Rachel: Okay (desperately hands the receiver over)
Chandler: (Reading) "Happy Birthday Peehe." what? I swear to god, just because you get so uptight no, you do it.
Monica: Well maybe we can make a, a, a 'B' out every time we... Monica: (taking the phone) Hello, this is Monica...
of one of those roses. Monica: Sure, every time, you're such a princess... Yeah??? Oh... (Smiles at Rachel to reassure her) Okay,
(Phoebe quietly wanders in, to join the tableau.) Rachel: You know what? yes, we'll be right, we'll be right down.(Listens) Thank
Ross: (Still annoyed) Yeah, we'll just use our Monica: What? you. (Hangs up)
special cake tools. Rachel: You know what? Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Hey, what's going on? Monica: What!? Monica: We forgot to sign one of the admissions
Ross: Oh, we just... Rachel: You know what? forms.
Phoebe's Friends: (Finally noticing the guest of Monica: (getting angry) What!!? Rachel: Ohhh... (slumping in relief) Okay, you were
honour) Surprise! Rachel: Every day, you are becoming more and more like right. You were right! This was just not worth it.
Phoebe: (Delighted) oh, oh, oh! This is so great! your mother. Monica: Thank you.
Oh my god! This was not at all scary. Hi everybody. (Rachel brightly limps back across the apartment with Rachel: Okay, let me just change.
Hi Betty! Betty, Hi! (Thrilled) You found Betty! Oh glasses of wine for the cute doctors, leaving an Monica: Yes.
my god! (Hugging people) This is great. Everybody open-mouthed Monica in her wake.) (Rachel goes to her room.)
I love is in the same room, (still happy) Where's Rachel: Hello! Here we go! Joey: (entering quietly) Hey.
Joey? Dr. Rosen: This is a great place. How long have you lived Ross and Chandler: Hey!
(The party falls flat. Chandler tries to think of a here? Monica: Hi.
witticism, but even he can't help...) Rachel: (as Monica) Thanks! I've been here about six Phoebe: Trouble?
Chandler: Did you see Betty? years, and Rachel moved in a few months ago. Joey: Your sister stood me up the other night.
(Betty waggles her fingers to say "Hi", but Phoebe Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah... (joining the others) ..see, I Phoebe: Oh, no. Don't you hate it when people aren't
feels her birthday has been ruined by her twin.) was supposed to get married, but, um, I left the guy at the there for you?
[Scene: A Restaurant, Ross is having lunch with altar. Ross: Well did you try calling her?
his father who is examining his next forkful.] (Rachel tries to hide her alarm, but she squirms in her Joey: I've been trying for two days. When I called the
Mr. Geller: I tell you one thing, I wouldn't mind chair.) restaurant, they said she was too busy to talk. I can't
having a piece of this sun-dried tomato business. Dr. Mitchell: Really? believe she's blowin' me off.
Five years ago, if somebody had said to me, here's Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah... Yeah, I know it's pretty selfish, (Phoebe wants to be angry with Joey, but as she
a tomato that looks like a prune, I'd say "get out of but haha, hey, that's me. (Indicating a dish on the table) watches him shaking his head in pain and disbelief, she
my office!" Why don't you try the hummus? knows that it isn't his fault.)
Ross: Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, what do you do? [Scene: Riff's, Phoebe is entering. Ursula returns with
all? Rachel: (as Monica) Aahh, I'm a... chef at a restaurant two plates of chicken, but she only has time to set one
Mr. Geller: I'm not freaking out, I'm just saying, if uptown. on the table, when...]
somebody had come to me with the idea Dr. Rosen: Good for you. Phoebe: Hey.
andndash; Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah it is, mostly because I get to (Ursula turns in surprise.)
Ross: Dad, dad, dad, I'm talkin' about the whole boss people around, which I just love to do. Ursula: Oh!
uh, baby thing. Did you uh, ever get this sort of... Dr. Rosen: This hummus is great. Phoebe: Um you, you got a minute?
panicky, "Oh my god I'm gonna be a father" kind Dr. Mitchell: God bless the chickpea. Ursula: Um, yeah, I'm just... (waving dismissively at
of a thing? Monica: (as Rachel) (Suddenly laughing) Oh, god, I am so the concept) ..working.
Mr. Geller: No. Your mother really did the work. I spoiled... That's it! (Ursula points out a vacant table, so the twins walk
was busy with the business. I wasn't around that (The doctors don't know what to make of all this.) over, side by side, to sit down. Departing customers
much. Is that what this is about? Rachel: (as Monica) And by the way, have I mentioned walk right past the pair. Sitting at the back, a hungry
Ross: No, no, Dad, I was just wondering. that back in high school, I was a cow? gentleman looks most annoyed as Ursula sets his meal
Mr. Geller: 'Cause there's time to make up for Monica: (as Rachel) I used to wet my bed. down in front of her. The girls sit.)
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Phoebe: So. some distress.) Ross: Well, the doctor says he's gonna be fine, he's
Ursula: Uh-huh. [Scene: The Emergency Room, Monica sits with Rachel, just sleeping now.
(Ursula is genuinely pleased that her sister has who is filling out an honest form at last. Ross and Chandler Chandler: (Tapping Ross on his shoulder) So, you feel
visited her, after so many years. Phoebe hesitates hurtle in. Little Marcel, wrapped in a fluffy towel, is cradled like a dad yet?
over how best to begin.) in Ross's arms. They dash up to the admissions desk. Ross Ross: No, why?
Phoebe: Um, oh, I got you a birthday present. is frantic.] Chandler: Hey, come on, you came through, you did
(Ursula picks up a fork and begins eating the meat, Ross: You've got to help me my monkey swallowed a 'K'! what you had to do. That is very dad.
while Phoebe removes a present from her bag.) (Hearing her brother's voice, Monica gets up to stand (Ross does approve of this, but he's still not sure. The
Ursula: Oh, wow! You remembered! (Opening it) behind Chandler, followed by Rachel.) tiny figure stirs.)
Oh! It's a Judy Jetson thermos! Nurse: (angrily) You go get that animal outta here. Monica: Oh, look, he's waking up!
(She laughs at the childhood memory. Phoebe Ross: No, no you don't understand the animal hospital is Ross: (Quietly) hey, fella! How you doing?
smiles at being able to make her point.) way across town he's choking I don't know what else to do. (All of a sudden, Marcel grabs Ross's finger with his
Phoebe: Right, like the kind you... Monica: What's goin' on? whole fist, and he squeezes it, so tight, that Ross
Ursula: Right... Oh, I got something for you, too. (Ross and Chandler turn at the voice...) finally knows what it is to be a father. He looks up at
(Ursula gets up to fetch a box from her bag by the Chandler: Marcel swallowed a Scrabble tile. his friends, who smile encouragingly, Rachel tenderly
counter.) Rachel: Oh. resting her chin upon Monica's shoulder. Ross realises
Phoebe: How'd you know I was coming? (..then turn back to the desk when the surprise hits them, that Chandler was right and he's gonna make a great
Ursula: Um, yeah, um, twin thing. and Ross and Chandler whip around once more. Monica dad!)
(Ursula puts the box directly into Phoebe's hand. and Rachel recoil slightly.) Closing Credits
Phoebe brightens.) Nurse: Excuse me... This hospital is for people! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey is
Phoebe: I can't believe you did this. Ross: Lady, he is people. He has a name, okay? He there. Rachel is looking out of the window and Ross is
(Phoebe opens the box, to find something familiar watches Jeopardy! He he touches himself when nobody's handing out some Chinese takeout. There's a small
inside.) watching. Please, please have a heart! SAP in the corner of the screen.]
Phoebe: I can't believe you... (holding up Joey's (Ross's vigorous protest is attracting attention.) Ross: Aqui est? (Here it is!)
cardigan) ..did this. Dr. Mitchell: I'll take a look at him. Monica: 緼 qui 閚 pidio el pollo General Tso? (Who
(Phoebe's smile hardens as she packs the cardigan (Rachel, Monica, Ross and Chandler whip around for a ordered General Sal's chicken?)
away.) second time, in formation.) Chandler: udo aver sido General Tso! (It could've
Phoebe: So... What's the deal with umm, you and Rachel and Monica: Oh, thank you. been General Sal!)
Joey? Monica: Michael. (Rachel points out of the window.)
Ursula: Oh, right. He is so great. But that's over. Dr. Mitchell: Rachel. Rachel: ira, mira, el viejo desnudo est?haciendo el
(Ursula resumes eating her lunch..) Rachel: What? hula hoop! (Look, look, Ugly Naked Guy is doing the
Phoebe: Does he know? Monica: (as Rachel) Monica. hula!)
Ursula: Who? Rachel: (as Monica) Oh. (The others rush to the window for a look.)
Phoebe: Joey. You know, um, he's really nutsy Monica: (as Rachel) Hi. All: www! (Ewww!)
about you. Rachel: (as Monica) Hi. (Joey enters, happy again.)
Ursula: He is? Why? (Monica smiles to cover her embarrassment, but Rachel All: ola, Joey! (Hi, Joey!)
Phoebe: You got me. sadly looks away...) Joey: ola, amigos! (Hey, everybody!)
Ursula: Right. [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is playing "She Loves Me, She (Marcel grabs the remote.)
(A waiter comes over for the stolen chicken. Ursula Loves Me Not" with the petals of a flower, alternately Monica: Mira, Ross, Marcel se llevo el control remoto.
turns to him.) looking hopeful and annoyed. Phoebe enters, but not as (Look, Ross, Marcel's got the remote.)
Ursula: Excuse me. Doesn't this come with a side herself, for she has changed the style of her hair and Ross: o que sucedio es que no le gusta la tele! (The
salad? make-up to match that of her twin sister. She hangs up her thing is, he doesn`t like the program!)
(The man gives up, shaking his head.) coat, revealing her new cardigan. Nervously, she smooths (Everybody laughs.)
Phoebe: So, um, are you gonna call him? out the identifying garment, approaching Joey who sits End
Ursula: What? (Indicating the departing waiter) next to the main sofa.]
Do you think he likes me? Phoebe: (as Ursula) Hey. English translations...
Phoebe: No, Joey. Joey: Urse... Chandler's hand sports a plaster.
Ursula: Oh. No, no, he is so smart. He'll figure it (Phoebe nods as he stands up in delight.) Joey looks at the comic strips.
out. (Offering to share her food) Do you want Joey: ..ah, what're you doing here? I've been trying to call Rachel pays with a cheque.
some chicken? you.
Phoebe: No. No food with a face. Phoebe: (as Ursula) Listen, um... 118 The One With All The Poker
Ursula: You have not changed! Joey: No, no, no, don't say "listen." I know that "listen."
(Ursula's eyes dance as she laughs and smiles, I've said that "listen." (The whole gang is helping Rachel mail out resumes
simply glad to be back with her sister.) Phoebe: (as Ursula) I'm sorry. while whistling the theme from The Bridge on the River
Phoebe: Yeah, you too. Joey: I don't get it. What happened? What about Kwai.)
(Trying not to wrinkle her nose, Phoebe smiles everything you said under the bridge? Ross: Uh, Rach, we're running low on resumes over
back realising it's down to her to make up for her (Phoebe is almost thrown by this.) here.
negligent sister. Meanwhile, Ursula still hasn't Phoebe: (as Ursula): Yeah, um... (nervously clears her Monica: Do you really want a job with Popular
received her side salad, but when she attempts to throat) You know you, you should just forget about what I Mechanics?
attract the waiter's attention, he ignores her.) said under the bridge, I was talkin' crazy that night, I was Chandler: Well, if you're gonna work for mechanics,
[Scene: The Emergency Room. The officious so drunk! those are the ones to work for.
admissions nurse is again on duty. Rachel and Joey: You don't drink. Rachel: Hey, look, you guys, I'm going for anything
Monica enter, looking worried. As they approach Phoebe: (as Ursula) That's right, I don't... But I was, I was here, OK? I cannot be a waitress anymore, I mean it.
the desk, Rachel adopts a winning smile, while drunk on you! I'm sick of the lousy tips, I'm sick of being called
Monica struggles to smile at all.] Joey: Oh, Urse... (He tries to take her in his arms, but she 'Excuse me...'
Rachel: (as Monica) Hi, remember us? fends him off.) Ross: Rach, did you proofread these?
Nurse: (Grimacing) Mmm hmmm. Phoebe: (as Ursula) Okay, yeah, so it's not gonna work. Rachel: Uh... yeah, why?
Monica: (as Rachel) Um, okay. You just called a Joey: Why? Is it because I'm friends with Phoebe? Ross: Uh, nothing, I'm sure they'll be impressed with
little while ago about needing a signature on the Phoebe: (as Ursula) If it was, would you stop hanging out your excellent compuper skills.
admissions form. Well, it turns out we need a with her? Rachel: (upset) Oh my Goood! Oh, do you think it's on
whole new one (little laugh) because uh, you Joey: (Thinking carefully) no. No, I, I couldn't do that. all of them?
see, I-I, I put the wrong name again. (Little laugh) Phoebe: (as Ursula) Um, then yes, it's 'cause of Phoebe! Joey: Oh no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a
'cause um... So, you know, it's either her or me. few.
Nurse: You're that stupid. Joey: Then, uh, then I'm sorry. Opening Credits
Monica: (as Rachel) I am. I'm that stupid. (Little (He sinks to the sofa, saddened by Ursula's ultimatum, [Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler are sitting at
laugh.) while Phoebe follows, touched by Joey's good heart.) a table. Rachel is working. Monica and Phoebe enter.]
Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah, and and, I'm just Phoebe: (as Ursula) You know... (unconsciously putting a Monica: Hey, guys.
gonna pay for this with a check. hand on his knee) You're gonna be really, really hard to get Chandler and Ross: Hey.
Nurse: Well, you know your insurance will cover over. Rachel: Hey... hi, ladies... uh, can I get you anything?
that. Joey: I know... (to Monica, quietly): Did you bring the mail?
Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah, I know... (mirroring (He looks up at her face and Phoebe, slipping out of Monica: Lots of responses.
her friend) ..I'm I'm just not that bright either. character, smiles back at him. Joey's voice becomes soft Rachel: (to Monica): Really? (out loud): Sure, we
(The girls escape with a new form.) and warm.) have scones left! (to Monica): OK, read them to me.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is Joey: I don't know whether it's just 'cause we're breakin' Phoebe: (reading): Dear Ms. Green, thank you for
neglecting the game of Scrabble, for he's busily up or... what, but you have never looked so beautiful. your inquiry, however... oh... (crumples up letter)
drawing on his own childhood in an attempt to Phoebe: Really? Rachel: (out loud): We have apple cinnamon...
help Ross. Marcel chitters about.] (Phoebe smiles, when Joey takes her face in his hands and Monica: (reading): OK... Dear Ms. Green... yeah...
Chandler: Okay, worst case scenario. Say you kisses her. Joey gets up to leave but stops suddenly. yeah... yeah... No. (crumpes up letter)
never feel like a father. Phoebe silently shouts "Oh, whoa!!" to herself, and leans Phoebe: Wow!
Ross: Uh-huh. back in the sofa to recover, a hand to her tingling lips. A Rachel: What?
Chandler: Say your son never feels connected to thoughtful Joey is also feeling his lips, so he hesitates for a Phoebe: (reading): Your Visa bill is huge!
you, as one. Say all of his relationships are moment, then returns for a better view, he thinks again, Rachel: (grabs the bill) Give me that!
affected by this. cocking his head from side to side to regard her profile (Camera cuts to Chandler and Ross at table.)
Ross: Do you have a point? from various angles, then...) Chandler: You know, I can't believe you. Linda is so
Chandler: You know, you think I would. Joey: Pheebs? great! Why won't you go out with her again?
(Instead of scampering, Marcel stretches his neck Phoebe: (Automatically) Yeah. Oooh... (she's sprung.) Ross: I don't know.
as much as possible, and makes an unvoiced noise [Scene: The Hospital, Marcel lies on the operating table Chandler: Is this still about her whole 'The Flintstones
from his throat.) while recovering from the anaesthetic, tucked up under a could've really happened' thing?
Chandler: What's up with the simian? sheet like an infant in a huge bed. Ross sits beside him, as Ross: No, it's not just that. It's just—I want someone
Ross: It's just a fur ball. a smiling Chandler, Monica and Rachel look on.] who... who does something for me, y'know? Who gets
Chandler: Okay... (returning to the Ross: He looks so tiny. my heart pounding, who... who makes me, uh...
board) ..whose turn is it? (The door bursts open, and Joey and Phoebe rush in.) (begins to stare lovingly at Rachel)
Ross: Yours, I just got 43 points for 'KIDNEY'. Joey: We just got the message. Chandler: ...little playthings with yarn?
Chandler: No, no, you got zero points for Phoebe: Is he alright? Ross: What?
'IDNEY'. Ross: Yeah. The doctor got the 'K' out. He also found an Chandler: Could you want her more?
Ross: I had a 'K'. Where's where's my 'K'? 'M' and an 'O'. Ross: Who?
(The unvoiced hissing continues. In alarm, Ross Chandler: We think he was trying to spell out 'MONKEY.' Chandler: (sarcastically) Dee, the sarcastic sister
and Chandler look at the monkey, who is now in (Ross does not approve of Chandler's daft theory.) from Whats Happening.
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Ross: Look, I am totally, totally over her, OK, I Phoebe: OK, Monica? I had another answer all ready. (The guys all duck under the table.)
just... (Rachel comes over, Ross lays head on Monica: And you know what? We want a rematch. Monica: Ha, ha, very funny, very funny. But I think
table): Hiiii! Ross: Well that's fine with me. Could use the money. we'd like to give poker another try. Shall we, ladies?
Rachel: Hi! How are you? Rachel: (to Ross): So basically, you get your ya-yas by Phoebe and Rachel: Yes, we should. I think we
Ross: We're fine, we're fine. taking money from all of your friends. should.
Rachel: OK. (walks away) Ross: (pause)...Yeah. Ross: Uh, Rach, do you want me to shuffle those?
(Ross keeps staring at her, head on table. Chandler: Yes, and I get my ya-yas from Ikea. You have Rachel: No, no, thats OK. Y'know, I think I'm gonna
Chandler smacks him with a newspaper. Joey to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less. give it a go.
enters, Ross and Chandler laugh at him.) Ross: Look, Rachel, this is poker. I play to win, alright? In Ross: Alright.
Joey: Shut up! order for me to win, other people have to lose. So if you're Rachel: Alright... (shuffles cards expertly, all the guys
Chandler: We're not—we're not saying anything. gonna play poker with me, don't expect me to be a 'nice stare in amazement)
Phoebe: What? guy,' OK? Cause once those cards are dealt... (claps hands Commercial Break
Ross: Uhhhh... Joey cried last night. three times) [Scene: Ross's Apartment, continued from earlier.]
Joey: Thank you. Joey: (pause)...Yeah? Ross: So, Phoebs owes $7.50, Monica, you owe $10,
Chandler: (to the girls) We were playing poker, Ross: I'm not a nice guy. and Rachel, you owe fifteen big ones.
alright... [Scene: Ross' apartment. Chandler and Joey are there. Joey: But hey, thanks for teachin' us Cross-Eyed Mary.
Joey: There was chocolate on the three. It looked Ross enters with a pizza.] You guys, we gotta play that at our regular game.
like an eight, alright? Ross: Alright boys, let's eat. Phoebe: Alright, here's my $7.50. (Hands them the
Ross: Oh, guys, you should've seen him. 'Read Chandler: Oh, did you get that from the 'I Love Rachel' money) But I think you should know that this money is
'em and weep.' pizzeria? cursed.
Chandler: And then he did. Ross: You still on that? Joey: What?
Rachel: Well, now, how come you guys have Chandler: Oh, come on. What was with that whole Black Phoebe: Oh, I cursed it. So now bad things will
never played poker with us? Bart speech? (mimicking): "When I play poker, I'm not a happen to he who spends it.
Phoebe: Yeah, what is that? Like, some kind of nice guy!" Chandler: That's alright, I'll take it. Bad things
guy thing? Like, some kind of sexist guy thing? Ross: You are way off, pal. happen to me anyway. This way I can break 'em up
Like it's poker, so only guys can play? Joey: No, I don't think so, see Ross, because I think you with a movie.
Ross: No, women are welcome to play. love her. Ross: Well, that just leaves the big Green poker
Phoebe: Oh, OK, so then what is it? Some kind Ross: Um.... no. See, I might've had feelings for her at one machine, who owes fifteen...
of... you know, like, like... some kind of, y'know, time—not any more. I just—I... Rachel: Mmm-hmmm. Oh, so typical. Ooo, I'm a man.
like... alright, what is it? (Marcel makes a screeching noise in background.) Ooo, I have a penis. Ooo, I have to win money to exert
Chandler: There just don't happen to be any Ross: Marcel! Where are you going with that disc? my power over women. (hands over her money)
women in our games. (Marcel puts a CD in the player.) Monica: You know what? This is not over. We will play
Joey: Yeah, we just don't happen to know any Ross: You are not putting that on again! Marcel, OK—if you again, and we will win, and you will lose, and you
women that know how to play poker. you press that button, you are in very, very big trouble. will beg, and we will laugh, and we will take every last
Girls: Oh, yeah, right. (The Lion Sleeps Tonight starts to play. Marcel starts to dime you have, and you will hate yourselves forever.
Monica: Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse! dance.) Rachel: Hmm. Kinda stepped on my point there, Mon.
Rachel: Really. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there ready
Monica: I mean, that's a typical guy response. are there.] for another poker game.]
Ross: Excuse me, do any of you know how to Rachel: (opening mail) Can you believe what a jerk Ross Ross: So, you gals wanna hand over your money now?
play? was being? That way, we don't have to go through the formality of
Girls: No. Monica: Yeah, I know. He can get really competitive. actually playing.
Rachel: But you could teach us. Phoebe: Ha. Ha, ha. Rachel: Ooooh, that's fine. We'll see who has the last
Guys: No. Monica: What? laugh there, monkey boy.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the guys are Phoebe: Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black. Monica: OK, we done with the chit-chat? Are we
teaching the girls how to play poker.] Monica: Please! I am not as bad as Ross. ready to play some serious poker?
Chandler: (teaching) OK, so now we draw cards. Rachel: Oh, I beg to differ. The Pictionary incident? Phoebe: (holding a card and waving it in front of her
Monica: So I wouldn't need any, right? Cause I Monica: That was not an incident! I-I was gesturing, face) Hey you guys, look, the one-eyed jack follows me
have a straight. a-and the plate slipped out of my hand. wherever I go. (they look at her) Right, OK, serious
Rachel: Oh, good for you! Rachel: Oooooh. (reads letter) (surprised): Oh! I got an poker.
Phoebe: Congratulations! interview! I got an interview! (Ross gets up from the table.)
(Microwave timer goes off. Monica gets up.) Monica: You're kidding! Where? Where? Monica: Excuse me, where are you going?
Chandler: OK Phoebs, how many do you want? Rachel: (in disbelief): Sak's... Fifth... Avenue. Ross: Uh... to the bathroom.
Phoebe: OK, I just need two... the, um, ten of Monica: Oh, Rachel! Monica: Do you want to go to the bathroom, or do
spades and the six of clubs. Phoebe: Oh, it's like the mother ship is calling you home. you wanna play poker?
Ross: No. No, uh, Phoebs? You can't—you can't Monica: Well, what's the job? Ross: I want to go to the bathroom. (exits)
do... Rachel: Assistant buyer. Oh! I would be shopping... for a Joey: Alright, well, I'm gonna order a pizza. (gets up)
Rachel: Oh wait, I have the ten of spades! Here! living! Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, I'm still waiting to hear
(gives it to Phoebe) (Knock on door.) from that job and the store closes at nine, so you can
Ross: No, no. Uh... no, see, uh, you-you can't do Monica: OK, look. That is Aunt Iris. This woman has been eat then.
that. playing poker since she was five. You gotta listen to every Joey: That's fine. I'll just have a Tic-Tac to hold me
Rachel: Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no, that's OK, I don't word she says. (opens door) Hi! over.
need them. I'm going for fours. Aunt Iris: Is Tony Randall dead? Monica: Alright, Cincinnati, no blinds, everybody ante.
Ross: Oh, you're... (gives up) Rachel: No. (deals cards)
(Monica comes back to the table with plates of Monica: I don't think so. Phoebe: (looks at her cards) Yes! (everyone looks at
food.) Rachel: Why? her) .... or no.
Monica: Alright, here we go. We've got salmon Aunt Iris: Well, he may be now, because I think I hit him (Ross comes back from bathroom.)
roulettes and assorted crudites. with my car. Ross: Alright. (to Rachel): Your money's mine, Green.
Phoebe and Rachel: OOooooo! Monica: What? Rachel: Your fly is open, Geller. (he checks it, and zips
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Monica, what're you Rachel: Oh my God! up)
doin'? This is a poker game. You can't serve food Monica: Really? (Time lapse.)
with more than one syllable. It's gotta be like chips, Aunt Iris: No! That's bluffing. Lesson number one. (walks Phoebe: You guys, you know what I just realized?
or dip, or pretz...(look of realization) into kitchen) Let me tell you something... everything you 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J.' Coincidence?
Chandler: (changing subject) OK, so at this point, hear at a poker game is pure crap. (to Phoebe): Nice Chandler: Hey, that's... that's 'joincidence' with a 'C'!
the dealer... earrings. Joey: Uh... Phoebe? Phoebe?
Monica: Alright, you know, we got it, we got it. Phoebe: Thank y... (thinks about it) Phoebe: Yeah. Um... I'm out. (throws in cards)
Let's play for real. High stakes... big bucks... Aunt Iris: Girls, sit down. Rachel: I'm in.
Ross: Alright, now, you sure? Phoebe just threw Monica: Uh, Aunt Iris? This is Phoebe, and that's Rachel... Monica: Me too.
away two jacks because they didn't look happy... Aunt Iris: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, listen, I am Joey: Me too. Alright, whattaya got.
Phoebe: But... I'm ready, so, just deal. parked at a meter. Let's do it. Ross: Well, you better hop outta the shower, cause...
Chandler: OK, alright, last minute lesson, last [Scene: Ross's apartment, everyone but Rachel is seated I gotta flush. (lays down cards)
minute lesson. (holds up two cards) Joey... three... around his table. The Lion Sleep Tonight plays in the Rachel: Well, well, well, hop back in bucko, cause I
eight. Eight... three. (Joey is unamused) Alright background.] got four sixes! (lays down cards) I won! I actually won!
babe, deal the cards. Phoebe: Ross, could we please, please, please listen to Oh my God! Y'know what? (collects chips) I think I'm
(Time lapse.) anything else? gonna make a little Ross pile. (holds up a chip) I think
Monica: (throws down her cards) Dammit, Ross: Alright. that one was Ross's, and I think—oh—that one was
dammit, dammit! (Ross shuts off the CD player. Marcel runs into the Ross's. Yes! (Starts singing): Well, I have got your
Phoebe: (to Joey): Oh I see, so then, you were bedroom and slams the door.) money, and you'll never see it...
lying. Ross: I'm gonna pay for that tonight. (Ross stands up.)
Joey: About what? (Knock on door. Ross opens it. Rachel enters.) Rachel: And your fly's still open...
Phoebe: About how good your cards were. Rachel: Hi! (Ross looks down.)
Joey: Heh... I was bluffing. Ross: Hey. Rachel: Ha, I made you look....
Phoebe: A-ha! And... what is bluffing? Is it not Rachel: Guys! Guess what, guess what, guess what, (Time lapse.)
another word for... lying? guess what! Rachel: I couldn't be inner. Monica?
Rachel: OK, sorry to break up this party, but I've Chandler: Um, ok... the... the fifth dentist caved and now Phoebe: Monica, in or out?
got resumes to fax before work tomorrow... (gets they're all recommending Trident? Monica: (slams down cards) I hate this game!
up to leave) Rachel: Noooo... the interview! She loved me! She (Joey slides a plate away from Monica towards
Guys: Whoa, whoa, whoa! absolutely loved me. We talked for like two and a half Chandler, who hides it under the table.)
Chandler: Rach, Rach, we gotta settle. hours, we have the same taste in clothes, and—oh, I went Phoebe: OK Joey, your bet.
Rachel: Settle what? to camp with her cousin... And, oh, the job is perfect. I can Joey: Ahhh, I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in
Chandler: The... Jamestown colony of Virginia. do this. I can do this well! the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face. (the
You see, King George is giving us the land, so... All: That's great! That's wonderful! girls look at him, confused) Oh, I'm out.
Ross: The game, Rachel, the game. You owe us Rachel: Oh God, oh, and then she told the funniest story... Phoebe: Ross?
money for the game. Monica: OK, great. You'll tell us and we'll laugh. Let's play Ross: Oh, I am very in.
Rachel: Oh. Right. poker. Phoebe: Chandler?
Joey: You know what, you guys? It's their first Joey: Alright now listen, you guys, we talked about it, and Chandler: Couldn't be more out. (throws in cards)
time, why don't we just forget about the money, if you don't want to play, we completely understand. Phoebe: Me too. Rachel.
alright? Chandler: Oh yes, yes, we could play some other game... Rachel: Uh, I will see you... and I'll raise you. (throws
Monica: Hell no, we'll pay! like, uh, I don't know... Pictionary? chips in pot) What do you say... want to waste another
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buck? the kitchen, pouring wine and singing. Rachel, shocked, Monica: There was nudity!
Ross: No, not this time. (he folds) So... what'd goes to join them.) Joey: I meant female nudity. Alright? I don't need to
you have? Joey: (to Ross): Ahhh, that's alright. Y'know, that's a see Lou Grant frolicking.
Rachel: I'm not telling. (collects chips) tough hand to beat. Monica and Phoebe: Hugh! Hugh Grant!
Ross: Come on, show them to me. (reaches for Chandler: (to Ross): I thought we had them! Ross: Alright, I've gotta go. C'mon, Marcel! C'mon!
her cards, Rachel covers them up) Ross: Oh, well, when you don't have the cards, you don't We're gonna go take a bath. Yes we are, aren't we?
Rachel: No..! have the cards, you know. (looks at Rachel) But, uh... look Yes, we are.
Ross: Show them to me! how happy she is. (smiles) Chandler: They're still just friends, right?
Rachel: Get your hands out of there! No! (Chandler and Joey look at her, and then look back at him. Rachel: (To Marcel) And I will see you tomorrow!
Ross: Let me see! Show them! They dive for Ross's hand to see what he had, and he tries Ross: That's right, you're gonna spend tomorrow at
Chandler: Y'know, I've had dates like this. to stop them from looking.) Aunt Rachel's, aren't you.
Rachel: (deals new hand) Boy, you really can't Closing Credits Monica: Oh, hang on, hang on. Does Aunt Monica get
stand to lose, can you? Your whole face is getting [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, all six are playing Pictionary a say in this?
red... little veins popping out on your temple... at Monica's apartment. Monica is drawing a picture, and Ross: 'Pwease, Aunt Monica, pwease?' Oh, unclench.
Phoebe: Plus that shirt doesn't really match those the three guys are guessing. She draws what looks like an You're not even gonna be there.
pants. airplane.] [Scene: Joe-G's Pizza, the guys are there.]
(Ross is visibly upset.) Chandler: Airplane! Airport! Airport '75! Airport '77! Chandler: I can't believe we are even having this
Ross: First of all, I'm not losing... Airport '79! discussion.
Rachel: Oh, you are losing. Definitely losing. (Timer goes off.) Joey: I agree. I'm, like, in disbelief.
(phone rings) Rachel: Oh, time's up. Chandler: I mean, don't you think if things were
Ross: Let's not talk about losing. Just deal the... Monica: (pointing at the drawing, upset) Bye... bye... gonna happen with Rachel, they would've happened
Rachel: (answering phone) Hel-lo, Rachel Green. BIRDIE. already?
Ross: (mimicking Rachel) Mee mee, mee-mee Joey: Oh! Ross: I'm telling you, she said she's looking for a
mee. Phoebe: That's a bird? relationship with someone exactly like me.
Rachel: (on phone) Excuse me. (covers up phone; (Monica glares at Phoebe.) Joey: She really said that?
to Ross) It's about the job. Phoebe: That's a bird! Ross: Well, I added the 'exactly like me' part... But she
(Rachel walks into kitchen to talk on the phone.) (Monica sits, Rachel gets up.) said she's looking for someone, and someone is gonna
Rachel: Barbara! Hi, how are you? (Listens) Rachel: OK, OK, it's my turn. (reads the answer) be there tonight.
Uh-huh. (Listens) No, I understand. Yeah. Oh, oh, Chandler: Go. Joey: 'Tonight' tonight?
come on, no, I'm fine. Don't be silly. Yeah... oh, (Rachel starts drawing what looks like a bean.) Ross: Well, I think it's perfect. Y'know, it's just gonna
but you know, if-if anything else opens up, Ross: Uh.... bean! Bean! be the two of us, she spent all day taking care of my
plea—Hello? Hello? (hangs up phone, very (Rachel begins tapping the picture of the bean frantically.) monkey...
depressed) Joey: (triumphantly) The Unbearable Likeness of Being! Chandler: I can't remember the last time I got a girl
(Rachel goes back and sits down. The rest don't Rachel: Yes! to take care of my monkey.
know what to say.) Monica: That, you get? That, you get? Ross: Anyway, I figured after work I'd go pick up a
Monica: Sorry, Rach. (Monica picks up a glass to take a drink, everyone ducks as bottle of wine, go over there and, uh, try to woo her.
Phoebe: Y'know, there's gonna be lots of other though she was about to throw it.) Chandler: Hey, y'know what you should do? You
stuff. End should take her back to the 1890's, when that phrase
Rachel: Yeah...(sigh)....OK. Where were we? Oh, was last used.
OK... five card draw, uh... jacks or better... 119 The One Where the Monkey Gets Away [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is taking care of
nothing wild, everybody ante. Marcel and they are watching a soap opera.]
Joey: Look, Rachel, we don't have to do this. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is talking to a customer.] Rachel: Now, now the one in the feather boa, that's
Rachel: Yes, we do. (pause) Rachel: Okay, okay, I checked. We have: Earl Grey, Dr. Francis. Now, she used to be a man. Okay, now
Monica: Alright, check. English Breakfast, Cinnamon Stick, Camomile, Mint Medley, look, see, there's Raven. We hate her. We're glad she's
Joey: Check. Blackberry, and.. oh, wait, there's one more, um.. Lemon dying. Okay- (Marcel pushes down a cushion to reveal
Ross: I'm in for fifty cents. (throws it in) Soother. You're not the guy that asked for the tea, are you? a shoe) Wh- wh- Marcel, are you playing with Monica's
Chandler: Call. (Guy shakes his head) Okay. shoes? You know you're not supposed to pl- whoah.
Phoebe: I'm in. Opening Credits Marcel, did you poo in the shoe? (Takes the shoe into
Rachel: I see your fifty cents... and I raise you... [Scene: Central Perk, Monica enters with some mail.] the kitchen) Marcel, bad monkey! Oh! Oh! (She notices
five dollars. (throws it in) Monica: Mail call, Rachel Green, bunk seven. the newsletter and taps the contents of the shoes onto
Ross: I thought, uh... it was a fifty cent limit. Rachel: Thank you. (Examines it) Oh, cool! Free sample of it, then folds it shut) Sorry, Barry. Little engagement
Rachel: Well, I just lost a job, and I'd like to raise coffee! gift. I'm sure you didn't register for that. (She leaves
the bet five bucks. Does anybody have a problem Monica: Oh good! 'Cause where else would we get any? the apartment holding the newsletter at arm's length.
with that? Rachel: Oh. Right. ...Oh great. However, she leaves the door open. Marcel runs out in
(Everyone says no and folds, except for Ross, who Monica: What is it? the opposite direction. There is a shot from the TV and
thinks about it.) Rachel: Country club newsletter. My mother sends me the Rachel runs back in) Who died? Who died? Roll him
Rachel: (to Ross): Loser? engagement notices for 'inspiration.' Oh my God! Oh my over! Oh, c'mon, roll him over! Oh...! Well, we know it
(Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe back their God, it's Barry and Mindy! wasn't Dexter, right Marcel? Because- (Looks down
chairs away from the table.) Monica: Barry who you almost...? and notices he is missing) Marcel? Marc- (Notices the
Ross: No, I fold. (lays cards down, and gets up) Rachel: Barry who I almost. open door)
Rachel: What do you mean, you fold? Hey, come Monica: And Mindy, your maid of...? [Time lapse. Now everyone but Ross and Phoebe is
on! What is this? I thought that 'once the cards Rachel: Mindy, my maid of. Oh! back at Monica and Rachel's.]
were dealt, I'm not a nice guy.' I mean, what, were Monica: (Takes it) That's Mindy? Wow, she is pretty. Joey: How could you lose him?
you just full of it? (Sees Rachel's look) Lucky. To have had a friend like you. Rachel: I don't know. We were watching TV, and then
(Ross thinks it over, finally sits down and picks up [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Ross are eating he pooped in Monica's shoe-
his cards.) Chinese.] Monica: Wait. He pooped in my shoe? Which one?
Ross: I'm in. (throws in chips) Ross: Marcel. Bring me the rice, c'mon. Bring me the rice, Rachel: I don't know. The left one.
Rachel: How many you want? c'mon. Good boy. Good boy. C'mere, gimme the rice. Monica: Which ones?
Ross: One. (Rachel gives him the card.) (Marcel brings the rice) Thank you, good boy. Well, I see Rachel: Oh. Oh, those little clunky Amish things you
Rachel: Dealer takes two. (she deals herself two he's finally mastered the difference between 'bring me the' think go with everything.
cards) What do you bet? and 'pee in the'. (Rachel ignores him) 'Bring me the' and- Phoebe: (Entering) Hey.
Ross: I bet two dollars. (throws it in) Rach? All: Hi.
Rachel: OK... see your two... and I raise you Rachel: What? Phoebe: Whoah, ooh, why is the air in here so
twenty. (throws it in) Ross: Hi. negative?
Ross: I see your twenty, raise you twenty-five. Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, this is so stupid! I mean, I gave Chandler: Rachel lost Marcel.
(throws it in) Barry up, right? I should be happy for them! I am, I'm Phoebe: Oh no, how?
(The other four look amazed at the large pot.) happy for them. Monica: He- he pooped in my shoe.
Rachel: See your twenty-five...and...uh, Monica, Ross: Really. Phoebe: Which one?
get my purse. Rachel: No. Oh, oh, I guess it would be different if I were- Monica: Those cute little black ones I wear all the
(Monica gets up, looks in Rachel's purse.) with somebody. time.
Monica: Rachel, there's nothing in it. Ross: Whoah, uh, what happened to, uh, 'Forget Phoebe: No, which one? The right or left? 'Cause the
Rachel: OK, then get me your purse. relationships! I'm done with men!' The whole, uh, penis left one is lucky...
(Monica gets Rachel her purse.) embargo? Rachel: C'mon, you guys, what're we gonna do,
Monica: OK, here you go. Good luck. Rachel: Oh, I don't know. I guess it's not about no guys, what're we gonna do?
Rachel: (to Monica): Thank you. (to Ross): I saw it's about the right guy, y'know? I mean, with Barry, it was Joey: Alright alright. You're a monkey. You're loose in
your twenty-five, and I raise you... seven. safe and it was easy, but there was no heat. With Paolo, the city. Where do you go?
Phoebe: ...teen! (throws in a ten-dollar bill) that's all there was, was heat! And it was just this raw, Chandler: Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably
(Ross looks in his wallet, pulls out two dollars.) animal, sexual... gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. I'll go to
Ross: (to Joey): Joey, I'm a little shy. Ross: Wait-wait. I, I got it. I was there. Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room.
Joey: That's OK, Ross, you can ask me. What? Rachel: Well, I mean, do you think you can ever have both? Rachel: Oh, my, God, c'mon, you guys! He's gonna be
(Ross looks at Joey, dumbfounded at his Y'know? Someone who's like, who's like your best friend, home any minute! He's gonna kill me!
stupidity.) but then also can make your toes curl? Monica: Okay, we'll start with the building. You guys
Chandler: (to Ross): What do you need, what do Ross: Yes. Yes. Yes! Yes, I really do! In fact, it's funny, take the first and second floor, Phoebe and I'll take
you need? very often, someone who you wouldn't think could-could third and fourth.
Ross: Fifteen. curl your toes, might just be the one who... Rachel: Well, what'm I gonna do? What'm I gonna
Chandler: Alright, here's ten. (gives it to him) (Enter the other four) do?
Joey: Here, I got five, I got five. (Ross takes the Monica: Hi. Monica: Okay, you stay here, and just wait by the
money) Ross: ...Gets interrupted. Hi! phone. Spray Lysol in my shoe, and wait for Ross to kill
Ross: Thank you. Rachel: Hi, how was the movie? you.
Chandler: Good luck. Monica: Wonderful! (They all leave)
Ross: (to Rachel): OK, I am calling your Phoebe: So good! Rachel: Anybody wanna trade? Oh...
seventeen. What do you got? Joey: Suck-fest. [Cut to a hallway in the building, Monica and Phoebe
(Long pause as they both look at each other.) Chandler: Toootal chick-flick. are knocking on a door. Mr. Heckles emerges.]
Rachel: (lays down cards) Full house. Phoebe: I-I'm sorry it wasn't one of those movies with, Mr. Heckles: Whaddyou want?
(Ross stares at her. Thinks about it. Puts cards on like, y'know, guns and bombs and, like, buses going really Monica: Mr. Heckles, our friend lost a monkey. Have
table, face down.) fast... you seen it?
Ross: You got me. Joey: Hey, I don't need violence to enjoy a movie. Just so Mr. Heckles: I left a Belgian waffle out here, did you
(Monica and Phoebe get up and start celebrating in long as there's a little nudity. take it?
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Monica: No! hard to say 'Morning, Luisa'? Or 'Nice overalls'? oblivious to people's monkeys, or to people's feelings...
Phoebe: Why would you leave your Belgian waffle Monica: Oh, I'm- I'm so sorry! Rachel: Ross.
in the hall? Luisa: Ah, it's not so much you, you were fat, you had your Ross: I don't even wanna hear it, you're just...
Mr. Heckles: I wasn't ready for it. own problems. (To Rachel) But you? What a bitch! Rachel: Ross.
Monica: A monkey. Have you seen a monkey? Rachel: What?! Ross: Oh, forget it, okay?
Mr. Heckles: Saw Regis Philbin once... Monica: Be that as it may, d'you think you could just help Rachel: Ross!
Phoebe: Okay, thank you, Mr. Heckles. (They us out here on that monkey thing? Y'know, just for old Ross: What? What?
move off) times' sake? Go Bobcats? (A man carrying a box of bananas walks past them.
Mr. Heckles: You owe me a waffle. Luisa: I could... but I won't. If I find that monkey, he's They stare for a minute and then hobble after him)
[Cut to Monica and Rachel's.] mine. (Leaves) Both: Hey! Hey, Bananaman!
Rachel: (On the phone) Okay, he's a, he's a black Phoebe: Dun-dun-duuuur! Sorry. (Scene 4: Everyone in the hall outside Mr. Heckles'
capuchian monkey with a white face... (Enter [Cut to another part of the building. We see Marcel jump in door. Ross is carrying the box of bananas. He bangs on
Ross) ...with, with Russian dressing and, and through a window and run down some stairs, then the door)
pickles on the side. Okay. Thanks. Chandler and Joey come down from the upper floor Phoebe: Oh, this is so intense. One side of my butt is
Ross: Hey. How did, uh, how'd it go today? without noticing.] totally asleep, and the other side has no idea.
Rachel: Great! It went great. Really great. Hey, is Chandler: Marcel? (Mr. Heckles opens the door)
that wine? Joey: Marcel? Ross: Hi, did you order some bananas?
Ross: Yeah. You, uh, you want some? Chandler: Marcel? Mr. Heckles: What about it?
Rachel: Oh, I would love some. But y'know what? Joey: Marcel? Ross: Gimme back my monkey.
Y'know what? Let's not drink it here. I'm feeling (They come to a door and silently agree to try it. A very Mr. Heckles: I don't have a monkey.
kinda crazy. You wanna go to Newark? sweaty woman emerges) Rachel: Then what's with all the bananas?
Ross: Uh, okay, yeah, we could do that, but Woman No. 1: Hi, can I help you? Mr. Heckles: Potassium.
before we head off to the murder capital of the (Chandler and Joey are dumbstruck for a moment) (There is a monkey-like noise from within and Ross
North-East, I was, uh, kinda wanting to run Chandler: Um, we're kind of having an emergency and pushes past Mr. Heckles and enters his apartment)
something by you. Y'know how we were, uh, we-we were looking for something... Ross: Marcel? Marcel? Okay, where is he? Where is he?
y'know, talking before about, uh, relationships and Joey: A monkey. Marcel? Marcel?
stuff? (Uncorks the wine) Well- Chandler: Yes have you seen any? (Marcel jumps into view wearing a pink dress.
Rachel: Oh God, Ross, I cannot do this. Woman No. 1: No. No, haven't seen a monkey. Do you Everybody gasps)
Ross: Okay, quick and painful. (Starts to cork the know anything about fixing radiators? Ross: Marcel! What've you done to him?
wine) Joey: Um, sure! Did you, uh, did you try turning the knob Mr. Heckles: That's my monkey. That's Patti, Patti the
Rachel: Oh God... Okay. Alright. Alright. Okay. back the other way? monkey.
Ross, please don't hate me. Woman No. 1: Of course. Ross: Are you insane? C'mere, Marcel, c'mon. (Marcel
Ross: Oh, what? What-what? Joey: Oh. Then, no. starts to go to him)
Rachel: Y'know Marcel? (Another sweaty woman comes to the door and speaks to Mr. Heckles: C'mere, Patti. (Marcel turns round)
Ross: ...Yeah? her friend) Ross: C'mere, Marcel. (Turns to Ross)
Rachel: Well, I kind of... I kind of lost him. Woman No. 2: Did I put too much rum in here? Mr. Heckles: C'mere, Patti. (Turns to Mr. Heckles)
[Cut to outside the window, with Ross reacting (Joey and Chandler shoot each other glances) Luisa: (Out of shot) Here, monkey. Here, monkey!
with disbelief. The shot pans back until we see Woman No. 1: Just a sec. (To Chandler and Joey) Hope Here, monkey! (Marcel runs to the door and into
Marcel sitting on the window ledge.] you find your monkey. (She starts to shut the door) Luisa's cage, which she slams shut) Gotcha.
Commercial Break Chandler: Oh, nononowaitwaitwaitnono! Uh... we may Ross: Okay, gimme my monkey back.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from not know anything about radiators per se, but we do have Mr. Heckles: That's my monkey.
earlier.] a certain amount of expertise in the heating and cooling... Luisa: You're both gonna have to take this up with the
Ross: (Angry) I- I- I ca- I can't believe this. I mileu. judge.
mean, all I asked you to do was keep him in the Joey: Uh, aren't we kind of in the middle of something Mr. Heckles: That's not my monkey. Just the dress is
apartment. here? mine, you can send that back whenever.
Rachel: I know, I know, I'm sorry- Chandler: Yes, but these women are very hot, and they Ross: Alright, I want my monkey.
Ross: No, y'know what, I guess it's partially my need our help! And they're very hot. Luisa: No!
fault. Y'know, I shouldn't've, uh, asked you to start Joey: We can't, alright? (To the women) We're sorry. You Rachel: Oh, c'mon, Luisa!
off with a monkey. I should've started you off with have no idea how sorry, but... We promised we'd find this Luisa: Sorry, prom queen.
like a pen or a pencil. monkey. If you see him, he's about yea high and answers Ross: (To Rachel) You had to be a bitch in high school,
Rachel: (Tearfully) Ross, I'm doing everything to the name Marcel, so if we could get some pictures of you, you couldn't've been fat.
that I can, I've got everybody looking for him, and you'd really be helping us out. Rachel: Alright. In high school I was the prom queen
I- (Door buzzer goes and she runs to get it) Oh! (The women quickly shut the door) and I was the homecoming queen and the class
Who is it? Chandler: Okay, from now on, you don't get to talk to president and you... were also there! But if you take
Intercom: Animal Control. other people. this monkey, I will lose one of the most important
Rachel: See? I've even called Animal Control! Joey: Marcel? people in my life. You can hate me if you want, but
Ross: You called Animal Control? Chandler: Marcel?! please do not punish him. C'mon, Luisa, you have a
Rachel: Uh-huh... why... do you not like them? [Cut to Monica and Phoebe searching the basement.] chance to be the bigger person here! Take it!
Ross: Marcel is an illegal exotic animal. I'm not Phoebe: Marcel? Luisa: Nope.
allowed to have him in the city. If they find him, Monica: Marcel? Rachel: Alright. Well then how about I call your
they'll take him away from me. Phoebe: Marcel? supervisor, and I tell her that you shot my friend in the
Rachel: O-okay, now see, you never ever ever Both: Marcel? ass with a dart?
told us that... Phoebe: Oh-my-God! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Rachel and Ross are
Ross: That's right, I.. 'cause I didn't expect you Monica: Whaaat! there. Ross is trying to get the dress off Marcel.]
were gonna invite them to the apartment! Phoebe: Something just brushed up against my right leg! Ross: It'll be nice to get this off finally, won't it? Yes it
(A knock on the door. Rachel swiftly opens it) Monica: What is it? will. (Marcel resists) Or we can leave it on for now,
Rachel: Hi, thanks for coming. Phoebe: Oh, it's okay, it was just my left leg. that's fine.
Luisa: (Animal Control) Somebody called about a (Marcel makes a monkeyish noise. He is sitting in the Rachel: Y'know, with the right pair of pumps, that
monkey? corner) would be a great little outfit.
Rachel: Oh, y'know what? That was a complete Monica: Look, Phoebe! Ross: Listen, I'm- I'm sorry I was so hard on you
misunderstanding! (Ross puts his arms around her Phoebe: Yeah! Oh, c'mere, Marcel! Oh, Marcel, c'mere! before, it's just I...
and they act all sweetness and light) (Luisa appears on the stairs) Rachel: Oh, Ross, c'mon. It's my fault, I almost lost
Ross: Yeah, we thought we had a monkey, but Luisa: Step aside, ladies! (She loads a gun) your...
we-we didn't. Monica: What're you gonna do? Ross: Yeah, but you were the one who got him back,
Rachel: Turned out it was a hat. Luisa: Just a small tranquiliser. y'know? You, you were great. ...Hey, we uh, we still
Ross: Cat! (In slow motion we see Phoebe look at Marcel, then at have that, uh, that bottle of wine. You in the mood for,
Rachel: Cat! What'm I saying? Cat! Luisa. She jumps toward Marcel just as Luisa fires the gun.) uh, something grape?
(Luisa nods, but then Monica and Phoebe run in) Monica: Run, Marcel, run! Run, Marcel! (Marcel runs off Rachel: That'd be good.
Monica: Hi. We checked the third and fourth floor, and Luisa runs after him. Monica goes to check up on Ross: Alright. (He goes to get the glasses. Then he
no-one's seen Marcel. Phoebe) Are you okay? hesitates and turns off the main light. Rachel looks
Luisa: Marcel? Phoebe: Yeah, think so. Oh! (She notices the tranquiliser round and he acts surprised) The, uh, the neighbours
Ross: My uncle Marcel. dart has hit her in the butt and removes it) Huh. (Sways must be vacuuming. (He sits down and starts to pour
Phoebe: Oh, is that who the monkey's named back) Whoah. the wine) Well, so long as we're here and, uh, not on
after? Monica: Oh gosh. the subject, I was thinking about, uh, how mad we got
Luisa: Oookay. Are you aware that possession of [Cut to Marcel walking along a hallway. He notices a at each other before, and, um, I was thinking maybe it
an illegal exotic is, uh, punishable by up to two banana on the floor and picks it up. The hand of an unseen was partially because of how we, um...
years in prison and confiscation of the animal? person grabs him and carries him away. Then cut to Ross (Barry bursts in)
Phoebe: Oh my God. You'd put that poor little and Rachel on the street outside.] Barry: Rachel.
creature in jail? Ross: Marcel? Rachel: Barry?!
Monica: Pheebs, you remember how we talked Rachel: Marcel? Barry: I can't. I can't do it, I can't marry Mindy. I think
about saying things quietly to yourself first? Ross: Marc- oh, this is ridiculous! We've been all over the I'm still in love with you.
Phoebe: Yes, but there isn't always time! neighbourhood. He's gone, he's-he's just gone. Ross and Rachel: Oh!
Monica: Look. I'm sure there's some friendly way Rachel: Ross, you don't know that. Ross: We have got to start locking that door!
to reconcile this! Um, have a seat. First of all, we Ross: Oh come on. It's cold, it's dark, he doesn't know the Closing Credits
haven't been introduced, I'm Monica Geller. Village. (Kicks a sign in frustration) And now I have a [Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Joey, Phoebe, and
Luisa: Oh my God, you are! And you're Rachel broken foot. I have no monkey, and a broken foot! Thank Chandler are looking through Monica's high school
Green! you very much. yearbook]
Rachel: Yeah! Rachel: Ross, I said I'm sorry like a million times. What do Monica: This is me in The Sound of Music. See the
Luisa: Luisa Gianetti! Lincoln High? I sat behind you want me to do? You want me to break my foot too? von Trapp kids?
you guys in home room! Okay, I'm gonna break my foot, right here. (Kicks the sign) Phoebe: Nope.
Rachel: Luisa? Oh my God! Monica! It's Luisa! Ow!! Oh! Oh my God, oh my God! There, are you happy Monica: That's because I'm in front of them.
Monica: The Luisa from home room! now?! Chandler: Eh. I thought that was an alp.
Rachel: Yes!! Ross: Yeah, yeah. Y'know, now that you kicked the sign, Monica: Well, high school was not my favourite time.
Luisa: You have no idea who I am, do you. hey! I don't miss Marcel any more! Joey: I dunno, I loved high school. Y'know? It was just
Monica: No, none at all. Rachel: Y'know, it is not like I did this on purpose. four years of parties and dating and sex.
Rachel: None. Ross: Oh, no no no. Nono, this is just vintage Rachel. I Chandler: Yeah, well I went to boarding school with
Luisa: Well, maybe that's because you spent four mean, things just sort of happen around you. I mean, four hundred boys. Any sex I had would've involved a
years ignoring me. I mean, would it have been so you're off in Rachel-land, doing your Rachel-thing, totally major lifestyle choice.
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无忧雅思网 雅思、留学、移民第一站 Season 1
Monica: Gosh, doesn't it seem like a million years Barry: Yeah. other. There's a history there. 'S'like you and Carol.
ago? Rachel: I'm not crazy, right? I mean, it was never like Ross: No! No no, it is nothing like me and Carol!
Phoebe: Oh. Oooh! Ooh! Ooh! (She stands up that. Rachel: Please. If she said to you, "Ross, I want you
and starts to dance around) Ooh! My butt cheek is Barry: Nooo, it wasn't. on this couch, right here, right now," what would you
waking up! Oooh! Ooh! Rachel: Ooh, and it's so nice having this little sink here... say?
End [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there except (Ross flounders.)
Rachel.] Chandler: If it helps, I could slide over.
120 The One With the Evil Orthodontist Chandler: (on phone, reading from a script) Oh, Danielle! Ross: It's, it's, it's, uh, a totally diferent situation! It's,
I wasn't expecting the machine... Give me a call when you it's apples and oranges, it's, it's orthodontists and lesbi-
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there.] get a chance. (Rattles some dishes) Bye-bye. (Hangs up.) I gotta go.
Chandler: I can't believe you would actually say Oh God! Phoebe: Where are you going?
that. I would much rather be Mr.Peanut than Monica: That's what you've been working on for the past Ross: (leaving) I just have to go, all right? Do I need a
Mr.Salty. two hours?! reason? Huh? I mean I have things to do with my life, I
Joey: No way! Mr.Salty is a sailor, all right, he's Chandler: Hey, I've been honing! have a jam packed schedule, and I am late- for
got to be, like, thetoughest snack there is. Ross: What was with the dishes? keeping up with it. Okay?
Ross: I don't know, you don't wanna mess with Chandler: Oh, uh.. I want her to think I might be in a (Ross exits, a phone rings, and Chandler dives for his
corn nuts. They're craaazy. restaurant.. y'know? I might have some kind of life, like I phone.)
Monica: (looking out of the window) Oh my God. haven't been sitting around here honing for the past few Chandler: Hello? Hello?
You guys! You gotta come see this! There's some hours. (Rachel picks up their phone and the ringing stops. As
creep out there with a telescope! Monica: (looking out the window) Look look! He's doing it she talks on the phone, an elaborate visual gag is spun
Ross: I can't believe it! He's looking right at us! again, the guy with the telescope! out which is too difficult to describe in words.)
Rachel: Oh, that is so sick. Phoebe: Oh my God! (Walks to the window) Go away! Rachel: (on phone) Hello?(Listens) Mindy! Hi! Hey,
Chandler: I feel violated. And not in a good way. (Gesturing.) Stop looking in here! how are you? (Listens) Yes, yes, I've heard,
Phoebe: How can people do that?... (All but Monica: Great, now he's waving back. congratulations, that is so great. (Listens) Really?
Phoebe walk away from the window in disgust.) Joey: Man, we gotta do something about that guy. This (Listens) Oh. (Listens) Okay. Okay, well I'm working
Oh, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy got gravity morning, I caught him looking into our apartment. It tomorrow, but if you want you can, you can, you can
boots! creeps me out! I feel like I can't do stuff! come by and... (Listens) Okay... (Listens) Great...
Opening Credits Monica: What kinda stuff? (Listens) Great... (Listens) All right, so I'll, so I'll see
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Rachel is Joey: Will you grow up? I'm not talking about sexy stuff, you tomorrow! (Listens) Okay.. (Listens) Okay...
there.] but, like, when I'm cooking naked. (Listens) Bye. (Hangs up and sits down heavily.) Oh
Chandler: I am telling you, years from now, Phoebe: You cook naked? God. Oh God. Oh God.
schoolchildren will study it as one of the greatest Joey: Yeah, toast, oatmeal... nothing that spatters. Chandler: So how's Mindy?
first dates of all time. It was unbelievable! We (A pause as they look at Chandler.) Rachel: Oh, she wants to see me tomorrow...Oh, she
could totally be ourselves, we didn't have to play Chandler: What are you looking at me for? I didn't know sounded really weird, I gotta call Barry... (Does so, on
any games... that. phone) Hi, it's me, I just.. Mindy!! Mindy! Hi! No, I
Monica: So have you called her yet? [Scene: Barry's Office, Rachel and Barry are getting figured that's where you'd be!
Chandler: Let her know I like her? What are you, married.] Commercial Break
insane? (The girls make disgusted noises.) It's the Barry: What's the matter? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next
next day! How needy do I want to seem? (To the Rachel: Oh, it's just... Oh, Barry, this was not good. morning. Chandler is sitting and staring at his
guys) I'm right, right? Barry: No, it was. It was very very good. phone. Monica enters and creeps up next to
Joey and Ross: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let her dangle. Rachel: Well, what about Mindy? Chandler.]
Monica: I can't believe my parents are actually Barry: Oh, way, way better than Mindy. Monica: Brrrrrrr!
pressuring me to find one of you people. Rachel: No, not that, I mean, what about you and Mindy? (Chandler clutches at his phone before realising.)
Phoebe: Oh, God, just do it! (Grabbing the Barry: Well, if you want, I'll just—I'll just break it off with Chandler: Hell is filled with people like you.
phone.) Call her! Stop being so testosteroney! her. Joey: (entering) He's back! The peeper's back!
Chandler: Which, by the way, is the real San Rachel: No. No-no-no-no, no. I mean, don't do that. Not, I (Rachel enters from her room.)
Francisco treat. (Calls her, then hurriedly hangs mean not for me. Joey: (ducking) Get down!
up.) I got her machine. Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, Bobby Rush is here Rachel: Get down?
Joey: Her answer machine? for his adjustment. Chandler: ...And boogie!
Chandler: No, interestingly enough her leaf Barry: (into intercom) Thanks, Bernice. (To Rachel) Let's Rachel: Thanks, but I gotta go to work and get my
blower picked up. go away this weekend. eyes scratched out by Mindy.
Phoebe: So, uh, why didn't you say anything? Rachel: Oh, Barry..! Come on, this is all way too.. Monica: Relax. Y'know, she may not even know.
Chandler: Oh, no-no-no-no. Last time I left a Barry: We can, we can go to Aruba! When I went there on Rachel: Please. I haven't heard from her in seven
spontaneous message I ended up using the phrase what would have been our honeymoon, it was, uh... it was months, and now she calls me? I mean, what else is it
"Yes indeedy-o." really nice. You would've liked it. about? Oh! She was my best friend, you guys! We
Monica: Look look! It's Rachel and Barry. No, (Pause as Rachel realises...) went to camp together... she taught me how to kiss..
don't everybody look at once! Rachel: I had a bra. Joey: (intrigued) Yeah?
Ross: Okay, okay, what's going on? (Barry finds it draped on a cupboard and gives it to Rachel, Rachel: And now, y'know, I'm like... I'm like the other
Phoebe: Okay, they're just talking... they kiss as Bobby enters.) woman! I feel so..
Ross: Yeah, well, does he look upset? Does he Bobby: Hey, Dr. Farber. Joey: ..Naughty!
look like he was just told to shove anything? (Rachel and Barry quickly split and pretend Barry is Rachel: Right, I'll see you guys later...
Phoebe: No, no actually, he's smiling.. and... Oh examining Rachel's mouth.) Joey: Oh, hold up, I'll walk out with you. Now, Rach,
my God, don't do that!! Barry: All right Miss Green, everything looks fine... Yep, I when she taught you to kiss, you were at camp, and..
Ross: What? What? What?! think we're starting to see some real progress here. were you wearing any kinda little uniform, or- (Rachel
Phoebe: That man across the street just kicked (Bobby looks on, deadpan.) exits and slams the door in his face.) That's fine,
that pigeon! (Rachel enters.) Oh! Rachel: What?! yeah...
Chandler: (bluffing) And basically, that's how a Bobby: I'm twelve, I'm not stupid. (Joey exits.)
bill becomes a law. (Rachel glares at him.) Chandler: Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Will
All: Oh!... Right! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler enters clutching his you watch my phone?
Chandler: Hey Rach! phone.] Monica: Why don't you just take it with you?
Monica: How'd it go? Chandler: Can I use your phone? Chandler: Hey, we haven't been on a second date,
Rachel: Y'know, it was, uh.. it was actually really Monica: Yeah.. uh, but for future reference, that thing in she needs to hear me pee?
great. He took me to lunch at the Russian Tea your hand can also be used as a phone. Monica: Why don't you just call her?
Room, and I had that chicken, where y'know you (Chandler dials his own phone and it rings.) Chandler: I can't call her, I left a message! I have
poke it and all the butter squirts out... Chandler: Yes, it's working! Why isn't she calling me some pride.
Phoebe: Not a good day for birds... back? Monica: Do you?
Rachel: Then we took a walk down to Bendall's, Joey: Maybe she never got your message. Chandler: No! (Calls) Danielle, hi! It's, uh, it's
and I told him not to, but he got me a little bottle Phoebe: Y'know, if you want, you can call her machine, Chandler! (Listens) I'm fine. Uh, listen, I don't know if
of Chanel... and if she has a lot of beeps, that means she probably you tried to call me, because, uh, idiot that I am, I
Ross: That's nice... now, was that before or after didn't get her messages yet. accidentally shut off my phone. (Listens) Oh, uh, okay,
you told him to stop calling, stop sending you Chandler: Y'don't think that makes me seem a little... that's fine, that's great. (Listens) Okay. (Puts down the
flowers and to generally leave you alone, hmm? Ross: ...desperate, needy, pathetic? phone.) (to Monica) She's on the other line, she's
Rachel: Right,.. well,.. we never actually got to Chandler: Ah, you obviously saw my personal ad. gonna call me back. (He starts doing a little jig.) She's
that... Oh, it was just so nice to see him again, (He calls and quickly hangs up.) on the other line, she's gonna call me back, she's on
y'know? It was comfortable, it was familiar... it Phoebe: How many beeps? the other line, gonna call me back...
was just nice! Chandler: She answered. Monica: Don't you have to pee?
Ross: That's, that's nice twice! Monica: Y'see, this is where you'd use that 'hello' word we Chandler: 'S'why I'm dancing...
Monica: Rachel, what's going on? I mean isn't this talked about. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving coffee as Mindy
the same Barry who you left at the altar? Chandler: I'm not gonna talk to her, she obviously got my enters.]
Joey: Duh, where've you been? message and is choosing not to call me. Now I'm needy Rachel: Mindy.
Rachel: Yeah, but it was different with him today! and snubbed. God, I miss just being needy. Mindy: Hey, you.
And he wasn't, like, Orthodontist Guy, y'know? I (Rachel enters.) Rachel: Hey, you.... So, what's up?
mean, we had fun! Is there anything wrong with All: Hey! Hi! Mindy: Um.. we should really be sitting for this.
that? Phoebe: How'd he take it? Rachel: Sure we should... So.
(Ross 'prompts' Chandler by hitting him on the Rachel: Pretty well, actually... (Wandering into the Mindy: Now, I know things've been weird lately, but
arm.) kitchen.) you're like my oldest friend in the world... Except for
Chandler: Yes! Monica: (wandering in after her) Uh, Rach... how come maybe Laurie Schaffer, who I don't talk to anywhere,
Rachel: Why? you have dental floss in your hair? 'cause she's all bitter now that she lost the weight and
Chandler: I have my reasons. Rachel: Oh, do I? it turns out she doesn't have a pretty face. ....Okay, I'm
Monica: Okay, how about the fact that he's Monica: Uh huh. just gonna ask you this once, and I want a straight
engaged to another woman, who just happens to Rachel: (in a low voice) We ended up having sex in his answer.
be your ex-best friend? chair. Rachel: Okay.
Rachel: All right. All right, all right, all right, all Monica: You had sex in his chair?!... I said that a little Mindy: Will you be my maid of honour?
right, I know it's stupid! I will go see him this too loudly, didn't I? Rachel: Of course!
afternoon, and I will just put an end to it! Ross: You-you had what? Mindy: Oh that's so great!
[Scene: Barry's Office, the post-coital Barry and Phoebe: Sex in his chair. Rachel: Was that all you wanted to ask me?
Rachel are recovering on the chair.] Ross: What, uh... what were you thinking? Mindy: That's all!
Rachel: Wow... Wow! Rachel: I don't know! I mean, we still care about each Rachel: Ohhhh!! (Mindy starts to sob.) ...What?
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What? Rachel: Please! During that second time you couldn't have curious.
Mindy: That's not all. picked her out of a lineup! Opening Credits
Rachel: Oh sure it is! Mindy: (to Rachel) You did it twice? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, late at night Monica is
Mindy: Oh no, it isn't! No! I think Barry is seeing Rachel: Well, the first time didn't really count... I mean, still examining her bill as Rachel emerges from her
someone in the city. y'know, 's'Barry. room.]
Rachel: Um, what- what would make you think Mindy: Okay... Rachel: Oh, Monica. You are not still going over that
that? Barry: (to Mindy) Sweetheart, just gimme- gimme another thing.
Mindy: Well, ever since we announced the chance, okay, we'll start all over again. We'll go back to Monica: This woman's living my life.
engagement, he's been acting really weird, and Aruba. Rachel: What?
then last night, he came home smelling like Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, we've got a bit of an Monica: She's living my life, and she's doing it better
Chanel. emergency here...Jason Costalano is choking on his than me! Look at this, look. She buys tickets for plays
Rachel: (draws back) Really. Mindy, if it'll make retainer. that I wanna see. She, she buys clothes from stores
you feel any better, when I was engaged to him he Barry: Oh God... (Into intercom) I'll be right there, Bernice. that I'm intimidated by the sales people. She spent
went through a whole weird thing too. (to Mindy) Look, please, please don't go anywhere, okay? three hundred dollars on art supplies.
Mindy: Oh God! You see, that's what I was afraid I'll be, I'll be right back. Rachel: You're not an artist.
of! (Barry exits) Monica: Yeah, well I might be if I had the supplies! I
Rachel: What? What's what you were afraid of? Rachel: Okay. Okay, we'll be here! Hating you! Did you mean, I could do all this stuff. Only I don't.
Mindy: Okay, okay... when Barry was engaged to see how he was sweating when he walked out of there? Rachel: Oh, Monica, c'mon, you do cool things.
you, he and I...kind of... had a little thing on the Listen honey, if I'm hogging the ball too much you just Monica: Oh really? Okay, let's compare, shall we.
side. jump right in there and take a couple punches because I'm Rachel: (Yawning) Oh, it's so late for 'Shall we'...
Rachel: What? telling you, this feels great. Monica: Do I go horseback riding in the park? Do I
Mindy: I know. I know, and when he proposed to Mindy: Yeah... I'm pretty sure I'm still gonna marry him. take classes at the New School?
me, everyone said "Don't do it, he's just gonna do Rachel: What are you talking about?! Mindy, the guy is the Rachel: (Yawning) Nooo...
to you what he did to Rachel," and now I feel so devil! He's Satan in a smock! Monica: This is so unfair! She's got everything I want,
stupid. Mindy: Look, I know he's not perfect, but the truth is, at and she doesn't have my mother.
Rachel: Uh... Oh, Mindy, you are so stupid. Oh, the end of the day, I still really wanna be Mrs. Dr. Barry [Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are discussing
we are both so stupid. Farber, D.D.S. stage names.]
Mindy: What do you mean? Rachel: Oh God. Chandler: How about Joey... Pepponi?
Rachel: (offers her arm to Mindy and she sniffs) Mindy: I hope you can find some way to be happy for me. Joey: No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should
Smell familiar? And I hope you'll still be my maid of honor...? have a name that's more neutral.
Mindy: Oh no. Rachel: And I hope Barry doesn't kill you and eat you in Chandler: Joey... Switzerland?
Rachel: Oh, I am so sorry. Aruba. (The waitress brings their coffee.)
Mindy: No me, I am so sorry... [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are Joey: Plus, y'know, I think it should be Joe. Y'know,
(They hug and Joey enters.) there.] Joey makes me sound like I'm, I dunno, this big.
Joey: (watches them for a while) Oh my. Monica: You okay? (Waitress looks at him funny) Which I'm not.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Ross are Rachel: Yeah. Chandler: Joe...Joe...Joe...Stalin?
doing a crossword, Monica is cooking, and Monica: Really? Joey: Stalin...Stalin...do I know that name? It sounds
Chandler is still staring at his phone.] Rachel: Yeah! Y'know, ever since I ran out on Barry at the familiar.
Ross: Four letters: "Circle or hoop". wedding, I have wondered whether I made the right choice. Chandler: Well, it does not ring a bell with me...
Chandler: Ring dammit, ring! And now I know. Joey: (Writes it down) Joe Stalin. Y'know, that's pretty
Ross: Thanks. Monica: Aww... (They hug) good.
Joey: (entering) Hey, you know our phone's not (Joey enters and looks on approvingly.) Chandler: Might wanna try Joseph.
working? Joey: Big day. (Joey visibly thinks 'Of course!' and writes it down.)
Chandler: What?! Closing Credits Joey: Joseph Stalin. I think you'd remember that!
Joey: I tried to call you from the coffee shop, and [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.] Chandler: Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph
there was no answer. Joey: All right, I'll give you this, Mr. Peanut is a better Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof.
Chandler: (investigating) I turned it off. Mother dresser. I mean he's got the monocle, he's got the top [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is there as
of God, I turned it off! hat... Phoebe and Rachel enter.]
Monica: Just like you told her you did! (Chandler Phoebe: You know he's gay? Rachel: Hey.
glares at her.) ... Just pointing out the irony. Ross: I just wanna clarify this: are you outing Mr. Peanut? Phoebe: Hey.
Joey: Hey, so listen, I went across the street and Danielle: (entering) Chandler? Monica: Hi. (On the phone) Hi, uh, yes, this is Monica
talked to the doorman- I got the peeper's name! Chandler: Danielle! Hi! Uh- everybody, this is Danielle, Geller. Um, I believe I'm taking some classes with you
Can I use the phone? Danielle, everybody. and I was wondering what they were.
Chandler: Nngghhh!!!!!!! All: Hi. Hi. Phoebe: What are you doing?
Joey: (to Monica) Can I use your phone? (On Chandler: What are you doing here? Monica: (Hushes her) Alright, great. Thanks a lot.
phone) Yeah, the number for a Sidney Marks, Danielle: Well, I've been calling you, but it turns out I had (Hangs up) I'm going to tap class.
please. your number wrong. And when I finally got the right one Rachel: What, what, so that you can dance with the
Ross: "Heating device." from Information, there was no answer. So I thought I'd woman that stole your credit card?
Phoebe: Radiator. just come down here, and make sure you were okay. Monica: This woman's got my life, I should get to see
Ross: Five letters. Chandler: ...I'm, I'm okay. who she is.
Phoebe: Rdtor. Danielle: Listen uh, maybe we could get together later? Rachel: Go to the post office! I'm sure her picture's
Joey: (on phone) Yeah, is Sidney there? (Listens) Chandler: That sounds good. I'll call you- or you call me, up! ...Okay, Monica, y'know what, honey, you're kinda
Oh, this is? (To the gang) Sidney's a woman. whatever... losing it here! I mean, this is really becoming like a
Monica: So she's a woman! So what? Danielle: You got it. weird obsession thing.
Joey: Yeah. Yeah, so what? (On phone) Look, I Chandler: Okay. Phoebe: This is madness. It's madness, I tell you, for
live across the street, (walking to the window) and Danielle: G'bye, everybody. the love of God, Monica, don't do it!! ...Thank you.
I know all about you and your little telescope, and All: Bye. [Scene: A Tap Class, the girls are standing at the
I don't appreciate it, okay? (Listens) Yeah, I can Phoebe: Whoo-hoo! door.]
see you right now! (Listens) Hello! (Listens) If I Monica: Yeah, there you go! Monica: What d'you think?
wanna walk around my apartment in my Ross: Second date! Phoebe: Lotsa things.
underwear, I shouldn't have to feel Chandler: ...I dunno. (They go in and sit down.)
like—(Listens)—Thank you, but... that's not really Rachel: You don't know?! Rachel: Which one do you think she is?
the point... (Listens) The point is that... (Listens) Chandler: Well, she seems very nice and everything, but (The teacher comes up to them.)
Mostly free weights, but occasionally.. that whole thing about her coming all the way down here, Teacher: May I help you?
Monica: Joey!! just to see if I was okay? I mean,... how needy is that? Monica: Oh, no thanks, we're just here to observe.
Joey: (on phone) Yeah, my neighbor... (Listens) (They all groan and hit him..) Teacher: You don't observe a dance class. You dance
Yeah, the brunette... (to Monica) She says you End a dance class. Spare shoes are over there.
looked very pretty the other day in the green Rachel: What does she mean?
dress. 121 The One With The Fake Monica Phoebe: I think she means (Imitates) 'You dance a
Monica: The green dress? Really? dance class'. Oh, c'mon, c'mon. (They put on some
Joey: Yeah, she said you looked like Ingrid [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is looking at spare shoes)
Bergman that day. papers.] Monica: Okay, d'y'see anybody you think could be
Monica: (waves dismissively to Sidney) Nooo! Joey: How could someone get a hold of your credit card me?
[Scene: Barry's Office, Barry is preparing his tools number? Teacher: (To the class) People! Last time there were
alone as Rachel enters.] Monica: I have no idea. But look how much they spent! some empty yoghurt containers lying around after
Rachel: Hey. Got a second? Rachel: Monica, would you calm down? The credit card class. Let's not have that happen again!
Barry: Sure, sure. Come on... (Mindy people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you Rachel: She could be you.
enters) ...in... bought. (Music starts)
Mindy: Hello, sweetheart. Monica: I know. It's just such reckless spending. Teacher: Let's get started. Five, six, a-five six seven
Barry: Uh... uh... what're'you... what're'you guys Ross: I think when someone steals your credit card, eight...
doing here? they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind. (Everyone starts to dance in unison. Monica flounders)
Rachel: Uh, we are here to break up with you. Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Monica: Okay, I'm not getting this!
Barry: Both of you? Wonder Mop. Phoebe: (Dancing in a swirly, Phoebe kind of way) I'm
Mindy: Basically, we think you're a horrible Monica: That's me. totally getting it!
human being, and bad things should happen to Phoebe: Oh! The yuk! Ross, he's doing it again! (Points to Monica: Did you ever feel like sometimes you are just
you. a lamp which is shaking behind the sofa) so unbelievably uncoordinated?
Barry: I'm sorry... I'm sorry, God, I am so sorry, Ross: Marcel, stop humping the lamp! Stop humping! Now (Rachel taps into view; she is in perfect sync with the
I'm an idiot, I was weak, I couldn't help myself! Marcel, come back- (Marcel runs toward Rachel's room) rest of the class)
Whatever I did, I only did because I love you so come here, Marcel- Rachel: What? You just click when they click.
much! Rachel: Oh no, not in my room! I'll get him. Teacher: Alright people, now everyone grab a
Rachel: Uh- which one of us are you talking to Monica: Ross, you've got to do something about the partner.
there, Barr? humping. (The girls are unsure how to pair off. Phoebe settles it)
Barry: ....Mindy. Mindy, of course Mindy, it was Ross: What? It's, it's just a phase. Phoebe: Okay. And, my, dead, mother, says, you, are,
always Mindy. Chandler: Well, that's what we said about Joey... it. I'm with Rachel.
Rachel: Even when we were having sex in that Ross: Would you all relax? It's not that big a deal. Monica: Great. It's gym class all over again.
chair? Rachel: (Out of shot) Stop it! Marcel! Bad monkey! Phoebe and Rachel: Aww.
Barry: (to Mindy) I swear, whatever I was doing, I Ross: What? Teacher: Well that's all right, you can come up to the
was always thinking of you. Rachel: Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer front and dance with me.
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Monica: Why don't I just take off my clothes and Fake Monica: I-I used to be just like you. And then one mean, if it wasn't for you, I would never have gotten to
have a nightmare. day I saw a movie that changed my life. Did you ever see sing Memories on the stage at the Wintergarden
(She starts to walk very slowly toward the front of Dead Poets' Society? Theater!
the room. The teacher grabs her hand and pulls Monica: Uh-huh. Fake Monica: Well, actually, you only got to sing
her. Suddenly a woman bursts in) Fake Monica: I thought that movie was so incredibly... 'Memo-'.
Woman: It's okay, it's okay, I'm here, I'm here. boring. I mean, that thing at the end where the kid kills Monica: I just can't believe you're in here. I mean,
Sorry I'm late, okay, here I am. Who's the new himself because he can't be in the play? What was that?! what am I gonna do without you? Who's gonna crash
tense girl? It's like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do some community the embassy parties with me? Who's gonna take me to
Teacher: She's your partner. theatre. I walked out of there and I thought, 'Now, that's the Big Apple Circus?
Woman: Hi. I'm Monica. two hours of my life that I'm never getting back.' And that Fake Monica: Monica, I started my day by peeing in
Monica: Oh. Monica! ...Hi. I'm Mo- ...nana. thought scared me more than all the other crap I was front of twenty-five other women, and you're worried
Woman: (Fake Monica) Monana? afraid to do. about who's gonna take you to the Big Apple Circus?
Monica: Yeah. It's Dutch. Monica: Wow. Then I would definitely not recommend Monica: Well, not... worried, just... wondering.
Fake Monica: You're kidding! I-I spent three Mrs. Doubtfire. Fake Monica: There's nothing to wonder about,
years in Amsterdam. (Asks her something in [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, tiem lapse. Everyone but Monica. You're gonna go back to being exactly who
Dutch) Joey and Monica are there.] you were, because that's who you are.
Monica: Um, Pennsylvania Dutch. Ross: (Reading letters) Oh God. (To Marcel) We didn't get Monica: Not necessarily...
Teacher: And we're dancing. A-five, six, seven, into Scranton. (To the others) That was like our safety zoo. Fake Monica: Yes necessarily! I mean, I dunno what
eight... They take like dogs and cows. See? I don't know who this is it is, maybe it's the Amish thing.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is entering.] harder on, me or him. Monica: Um, I'm not actually Amish.
Ross: (Mortified) Hi. Phoebe: I'd say that chair's taking the brunt. Fake Monica: Really? Then why are you like that?
Chandler and Joey: Hey. Ross: Marcel! Marcel! Marcel, no! Good boy. See, how can [Scene: Tap Class, Monica is standing by the door.]
Joey: Where've you been? nobody want him? Teacher: You by the door. In or out?
Ross: At the vet. Rachel: Oh, somebody will. Monica: In. (She joins in the dancing. She still
Chandler: She's not gonna make you wear one of Joey: (entering) You know there already is a Joseph flounders)
those big plastic cones, is she? Stalin? Teacher: You in the back, you're getting it all wrong!
Ross: She says Marcel's humping thing's not a Chandler: You're kidding. Monica: Yeah, but at least I'm doing it!
phase. Apparently he's reached sexual maturity. Joey: Apparently he was this Russian dictator who [Scene: The Airport, everyone but Monica is there to
Joey: (To Chandler) Hey! He beat ya. slaughtered all these people. You'd think you would've see off Marcel.]
Ross: She says as time goes on, he's gonna start known that! PA: This is the final boarding call for flight 67 to San
getting agressive and violent. Chandler: Y'know, you'd think I would've. Diego, boarding at gate 42A.
Chandler: So what does this mean? Joey: Phoebe. Whaddyou think a good stage name for me Phoebe: Okay. Good-bye, little monkey guy. Alright, I
Ross: I'm gonna have to give him up. would be? wrote you this poem. Okay, but don't eat it 'till you get
Commercial Break Phoebe: ...Flame Boy. on the plane.
[Scene: Central Perk, scene continued from [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is talking to Dr. Baldhara, a Ross: Aww. Thank you, Aunt Phoebe.
earlier. They guys are sitting there like the Three zookeeper.] Phoebe: Oh!
Monkeys.] Ross: Where exactly is your zoo? Chandler: Okay, bye, champ. Now, I know there's
Joey: I can't believe it, Ross. This sucks! Dr. Baldhara: Well, it's technically not a zoo per se, it's gonna be a lot of babes in San Diego, but remember,
Chandler: I don't get it, I mean, you just got him. more of an interactive wildlife experience. Let me ask you there's also a lot to learn.
How can he be an adult already? some questions about, is it, uh, Marcel? Joey: I dunno what to say, Ross. Uh, it's a monkey.
Ross: I know. I know. I mean, one day, he's this Ross: Yes. Ross: Just, just say what you feel.
little thing, and before you know it, he's this little Dr. Baldhara: Does he, uh, fight with other animals? Joey: Marcel, I'm hungry.
thing I can't get off my leg. Ross: No-no, he's, he's very docile. Ross: That was good.
Joey: Isn't there any way you can keep him? Dr. Baldhara: Even if he were... cornered? Rachel: (Brings Marcel a teddy bear) Marcel, this is for
Ross: No, no. The vet says unless he's in a place Ross: Well I, I don't know. Why? you. It's, uh, just, y'know, something to, um, do on the
where he has regular access to some... monkey Dr. Baldhara: Uh, how is he at handling small objects? plane.
lovin,' he's just gonna get vicious. I've just gotta Ross: He can hold a banana, if that's whatcha mean... Ross: Uh, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to take a
get him into a zoo. Dr. Baldhara: How about a hammer, or a small blade? moment, just me and him.
Joey: How do you get a monkey into a zoo? Ross: Why- why- why would he need a blade? All: Oh, sure. Sure, absolutely. (They just stand there,
Chandler: I know that one! ...No, that's Popes Dr. Baldhara: Well, if he's up against a jungle cat or an then realise what he means and go to the other end of
into a Volkswagen. animal with horns, you've got to give the little guy the room)
Ross: Well, we're applying to a lot of them. something. Otherwise it's just cruel. Ross: Marcel, c'mere, c'mere. (He sits down and
Naturally our first choice would be one of the (Chandler and Joey burst in, with Marcel) Marcel jumps down and sits beside him) Well buddy,
bigger state zoos, y'know, like, uh, San Diego... Chandler and Joey: He- he- he got in, he- he got in to this is it. There's just a coupla things I want to say. I'm
right? But that might just be a pipe dream, San Diego. really gonna miss you, and I'm never gonna forget
because, y'know, he's out of state. Uh, my vet, uh, Joey: We, we come back from our walk and the- the about you. You've been more than just a pet to me,
knows someone at Miami, so that's a possibility. phone was ringing... you've been more like a be- (Marcel climbs down and
Chandler: Yeah, but that's like two blocks away Chandler: ...He's in. starts humping his leg) Okay, Marcel, please, could you
from the beach. I mean, it's a total party zoo. Ross: He's in! Oh, did you hear that, Marcel? San Diego. leave my leg alone? Could you just stop humping me
(Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel enters.) San Diego! for two seconds?! Marcel, would- okay, just take him
Phoebe: Hey. We found her, we found the girl. Dr. Baldhara: You're making a big mistake here. I mean, away. Just take him.
Chandler: What? San Diego's all well and good, but if you give him to me, I'll (Marcel is put in a cage and taken away.)
Joey: Did you call the cops? start him off against a blind rabbit and give you twenty Closing Credits
Rachel: Nope. We took her to lunch. percent of the gains. [Scene: A Theater, there is a casting session going on
Chandler: Ah. Your own brand of vigilante [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is dusting. She comes for a play.]
justice. to the table, lifts all the magazines and wipes under them, Actor: (Very melodramatically, and very badly) Oh,
Ross: What?! Are you insane? This woman stole then just puts them down again. Monica bursts in, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might...
from you. She stole. She's a stealer. obviously drunk.] touch thy cheek...
Monica: Y'know what? After you're with this Monica: Yo- hooo! Casting Director No. 1: That's fine, thank you.
woman for like ten minutes, you forget all that. I Rachel: Where the hell've you been? Casting Director No. 2: Next. (Joey walks onstage)
mean, she is this astounding person, with this, Monica: Monica and I just crashed an embassy party. Joey: Hi, uh, I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio.
with this amazing spirit. Rachel: Are you drunk?! Casting Director No. 2: Name?
Ross: Yeah, which she probably stole from some Monica: Noooo! (Comes closer and whispers) I'm lying. I Joey: Holden McGroin.
cheerleader. am so drunk. End
Chandler: ...Take off their hats! Rachel: Oh God, oh. Great, Monica, y'know what, you
Phoebe: Popes in a Volkswagen! ...I love that could've called, I have been up here, I've been worried... 122 The One With the Ick Factor
joke. (Monica is drinking from the tap)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel and Rachel: Monica? Monica! (Scene: Central Perk. Everyone is there.)
Fake Monica are there.] Monica: Water rules! Monica: Tell him.
Rachel: No way. No way did you do this. Rachel: Yes, yes, it does. Okay, look, the restaurant called, Rachel: No.
Fake Monica: Monana was very brave. they wanna know if you're gonna be showing up for work? Phoebe: Tell him, tell him.
Monica: It was so wild. We told them we were the Monica: Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today. Monica: Just...please tell him.
Gunnersens in room six fifteen. Only to find out Rachel: Okay Monica, what are you doing? You're gonna Rachel: Shut up!
the Boston Celtics had taken over the entire sixth lose your job! This is not you! Chandler: Tell me what?
floor! Monica: No, it is me! Y'know, I'm not just the person who Monica: Look at you, you won't even look at him.
Fake Monica: So once they caught on to the fact needs to fluff the pillows and pay the bills as soon as they Chandler: (sarcastically) Oh, come on tell me. I could
that we're, y'know, short and have breasts... come in! Y'know, when I'm with her, I am so much more use another reason why women won't look at me.
Monica: ...They threw us out! I was thrown out of than that. I'm- I'm Monana! Rachel: All right, all right, all right. Last night, I had a
a hotel! Me! (The phone rings and Rachel answers) dream that, uh, you and I, were...
Rachel: Go Monana! Well, you ladies are not the Rachel: Hello? Yes, she is, hold on a second, please. Phoebe: Doing it on this table. (points at the table)
only ones living the dream. I get to go pour coffee Monana, it's for you, the credit card people. Chandler: Wow!
for people I don't know. Don't wait up. (Exits) Monica: Helloooo? Yeah. Oh my God. Thanks. Joey: Exellent dream score.
Fake Monica: Oh, by the way, tomorrow we're Rachel: What? Ross: Why, why, why would you dream that?
auditioning for a Broadway show. Monica: They've arrested Monica. Chandler: More importantly, was I any good?
Monica: 'Scuse me? [Scene: New York City Department of Correction, Monica is Rachel: Well, you were pretty damn good.
Fake Monica: There's an open call for Cats. I'm visiting Fake Monica.] Chandler: Interesting, cause in my dreams, I'm
thinking we go down there, sing Memories and Monica: Hi. allways surprisingly inadequate. (Monica pats him on
make complete fools of ourselves. Whaddya say? Fake Monica: Hey. his lap)
Monica: Nononononono. Think who you're Monica: How are you? Rachel: Well, last night you seemed to know your way
dealing with here. I mean, I'm not like you. I-I Fake Monica: I'm not too bad. Fortunately, blue's my around the table.
can't even stand in front of a tap class. colour. How-how did you know I was here? Ross: I love it, when we share.
Fake Monica: Well, that's just probably 'cause of Monica: Because... I'm Monica Geller. It was my credit (Ross goes over to the counter. Chandler follows him.)
your Amish background. card you were using. Chandler: You're okay there?
Monica: What? Fake Monica: That I was not expecting. Ross: I can't belive you two had sex in her dream.
Fake Monica: Well, you're Pennsylvania Dutch, Monica: I want you to know, it wasn't me who turned you Chandler: I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was
right? in. very drunk and i was somebody else's subconscious.
Monica: Right. Till I bought a blow dryer, then I Fake Monica: Oh. Thanks. Opening Credits
was shunned. Monica: No, thank you! You have given me so much! I [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier, Chandler
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is sitting on the table.] Rachel: A-ha! Young Ethan: Oh.
Chandler: Hello Rachel. [Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Ross are there.] Monica: Um, okay, here it goes. I'm not 22. I'm, I'm
Rachel: Get off. Joey: Would you let it go Ross. It was just a dream. It 25... and thirteen months.
Phoebe: (points at Joey's pen) Uh, uh, gimme. doesn't mean... Young Ethan: Huh!
Can you see me operating a drill press? (Ross's beeper goes off) Monica: But I figured, you know, that shouldn't
Joey: I don't know. What are you wearing? Ross: Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh this is it. Oh my god it's baby change anything. I mean, what the hell does it matter
(Chandler, Monica and Phoebe looks at him) time. Baby time. how old we are.
Ross: Pheebs, why would you want to operate a Joey: All right, relax, relax. Just relax, just relax. Be cool, (They kiss)
drill press? be cool. Young Ethan: Uh, listen um, as long as we're telling
Phoebe: Just for some short-term-work. You (Ross dials a number on his cellular phone) stuff, uh, I have another one for you. I'm a little
know, until I get back some of my massage clients. Ross: (on phone) Yeah, hi, I was just beeped. (pause) No, younger than I said.
Chandler: Pirates again? Andr?is not here. (to Joey) Third time today. (on phone) Monica: You're not a senior?
Phoebe: No, nothing like that. I was just...such a Yes, I'm sure... No, sir. I don't perform those kind of Young Ethan: Oh, I'm a senior... in High School.
dummie. I taught this services. Monica: Ok...ay.
"massage-yourself-at-home-workshop." And they Joey: Services? (Ross looks at him) Oh, services. Commercial Break
are. Ross: (on phone) Yeah, you want 55-JUMBO. Yeah, that's [Scene: Monica's Bedroom, continued from earlier.]
Joey: Hey, hey, Chan. She could work for you. right. That's right, JUMBO with a U, sir. (pause) No, belive Monica: What we did was wrong. Oh god, I just had
Chandler: (sarcasticly) Thanks Joey, that's a me, you don't want me. Judging by his number, I'd be a sex with somebody that wasn't alive during the
good idea. huge disappointment. (pause) All rightie, bye bye. Bicentennial.
Phoebe: What... I could, I could do it. What is it? (Phoebe and Chandler enter) Young Ethan: I just had sex.
Chandler: Well, my secretary is gonna be out for Joey: Hey, hey. How was the first day? Monica: Ethan, focus. How could you not tell me?
a couple of weeks. She is having one of her boobs Phoebe: Oh, exellent. Everyone was so, so nice. Young Ethan: Well, you never told me how old you
redused. (Ross looks at her.) It's a whole big boob Chandler: See, it pays to know the man who wears my were.
story. shoes. (Joey and Ross wonder what he means) Me. Monica: Well, that's different. My lie didn't make one
Phoebe: I could be a secretary. Phoebe: No, I didn't tell anybody that I knew you. of us a felon in 48 states. What were you thinking?
Chandler: Well, you know Phoebs. I don't know if Chandler: Why not? Young Ethan: I wasn't thinking. I was too busy
it's your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of Phoebe: Oh, because, you know... they don't like you. fallin'...
being normal. For a large portion of the day. Chandler: What?! Monica: Don't say it. (closes Ethan's mouth with her
Phoebe: I could do that. Phoebe: I thought you knew that. hand)
(Ross's beeper goes off) Chandler: Noho. Who doesn't they like me? Young Ethan: ...in love with you.
Rachel: What are you playing with? Phoebe: Everyone. Except for uh... no everyone. Monica: Really?
Ross: Oh, it's my new beeper. Chandler: What are you talking about? Young Ethan: (nods) Sorry.
Joey: What the hell does a paleontologist need a Phoebe: Don't feel bad. You know they used to like you a Monica: Well,fall out of it. You know, you shouldn't
beeper for? lot. But then you got promoted, and, you know, now you're even be here, it's a school night. Oh god, oh god. I'm
Monica: Is it like for dinosaur emergencies. 'Help, like "Mr. Boss Man". You know, Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing, "Boss like those women that you see with shiny guys named
come quick, they're still extinct.' Man Bing". Chad. I'm Joan Collins.
Ross: No, it's for when Carol goes into labor. She (Joey and Ross laughs) Young Ethan: Who?
can get me wherever I am. I mean, all she has to Chandler: I can't belive it. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone exept Monica is
do is to dial 55-JIMBO. Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. They even do you. there.]
Chandler: A cool phone number, and a possible Chandler: They do me? Ross: (on phone) Okay, Andr?should be there in like
name for the kid. Phoebe: You know like... uh okay... uh... 'Could that 45 minutes. All rightie, bye bye. (to Phoebe) Just
Monica: All right, I'll see you guys later. (raises) report be any later?' easier that way.
Rachel: Off to see young Ethan? (Joey and Ross laughs) Chandler: Oh, come on. You told me about the last
Monica: Thank you. Chandler: I don't sound like that. dream.
Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young? Ross: Oh, oh Chandler... Rachel: No, forget it.
Monica: He's... our age. Joey: Oh... Yeah, you do. Chandler: Oh, why not. Was I doing anything
Chandler: When we were? Ross: 'The hills were alive with the sound of music.' particularly... saucy?
Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college. (Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs) Rachel: All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one
Ross: College? Joey: (reaches for hi scones) My scones. there. (Camera fades to Ross, who's listening very
Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no Phoebe, Joey, and Ross: 'My scones.' carefully) Joey was there too.
problem with how old you are? (Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs again) Joey: All right. (Moves closer.)
Monica: No, of course not. It's not even an issue. Chandler: Okay, I don't sound like that. That is so not Ross: Was there...uh, huh, huh, huh... andybody,
Cause I told him I was 22. true. anybody else there.
All: What? (Joey and Chandler laughs) Rachel: No.
Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22? Chandler: That is so not... That is so not... That... Oh, Ross: You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out uh, mints
Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26. shut up! or anything?
Monica: I am 26. (Phoebe, Joey and Ross laugh) Rachel: No, it was just the three of us.
Phoebe: There you go. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Young Ethan are Ross: Huh!
[Scene: Chandler's office, he and Phoebe are there sitting in the couch.] Joey: So, tell me. Was it like you and Chandler, and
when the phone starts ringing.] Monica: Did not. then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?
Chandler: Can you hear that? Young Ethan: I am telling you, up until I was, like nine, I Rachel: (laughs) You know what?
Phoebe: (plays with a thumbtack remover) Yeah? thought that gunpoint was an actual place where crimes Joey: What?
Chandler: See that'll stop when you pick up the happen. Rachel: There were times when it wasn't even me.
phone. Monica: How was that possible? (Chandler and Joey laughs, until they look at each
Phoebe: Oh. Uh, I'm on. (picks up the phone) Young Ethan: Well, think about it. It's always on the news. other then recoil in horror.)
Phoebe: (with a deep voice) Mr. Bing's office. 'A man is being held up, at gunpoint.' 'Tourists are being Phoebe: That is so sweet, you guys. (hugs them)
(Listens) No I'm sorry, he's in a meeting right now. terrorised, at gunpoint.' And I just kept thinking: why does (Monica enters, wearing a walkman, so she doesn't
Chandler: I'm not in a meeting. I'm right... people continue to go there? (He checks his watch.) Oh, ah. hear what the others say)
Whoops. I should go. Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe: Hey, Mon.
Phoebe: Will he know what this is in reference to? Monica: Okay. Rachel: Mon, Ethan called again. Mon?
(Listens) And he has your number? (Listens) All (They kiss) All: (shouting) Mon!
right, I'll see that he gets the message. Bye bye. Young Ethan: Okay. (Monica takes of her walkman)
Chandler: What? Monica: Unless... Monica: What?
Phoebe: Ross says hi. Young Ethan: What? Rachel: Ethan called again.
Chandler: Ah! Monica: Uh, ah. Unless you wanna stay over? I mean, I'm Monica: Oh.
Phoebe: This is so fun. All right, what do we do going to, so... Ross: Are you not seeing him anymore?
now? Young Ethan: Yeah, I'd really like that. Monica: No. You know, sometimes just things doesn't
Chandler: Well, now, I actually have to get to (They kiss) work out.
work. Young Ethan: Uuh, before we get into any Chandler: And this has nothing to do with the fact
Phoebe: Most likely. (raises and goes toward the staying-over-stuff, there is something you should know. that he needs a note to get out of gym.
door) Okay, I'm gonna be out there. Monica: Okay, is this like 'I have an early class tomorrow' (Monica stares at Rachel)
Chandler: Okay. or 'I'm secretly married to a goat?' Rachel: I, I didn't say any... I sw... I did not say
Phoebe: All right. Bye bye. Young Ethan: Well it's somewhere in between. You see, anything, I swear. He stopped by.
Chandler: Bye bye. in a strictly technical sense, of course, I'm not uh..., well I, Joey: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you
(The intercom buzzes) I mean I haven't ever uh... ask him which one the strongest Power Ranger is?
Chandler: (answering it) Yes? Monica: Ethan? (Ross and Chandler laughs)
Phoebe: Whatcha doin'? Young Ethan: Yeah? Ross: Oh, yeah.
Chandler: Ooh. (leans against the desk) Monica: Are you a virgin? Monica: Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel Young Ethan: Well, if that's what you kids are calling it Could we drop it now?
are there. Monica is just finishing cleaning the these days then, yes I am. I uh, I've kinda been waiting for Joey, Chander, and Ross: Sorry.
windows.] the right person. Ross: It's morphin time!
Monica: Windows are clean, candels are lit. Uh, Monica: Really? Joey: Stegosaurus!
belt's to tight, gotta change the belt. Did I turn the Young Ethan: Yeah. You do know I was talking about you, Chandler: Tyrannosaurus!
fish? (goes over to the kitchen to check on the right? (They all cross they're arms like the Power Rangers do)
dinner) No, cause I made lasagne. (to Rachel) Am (They kiss) Phoebe: Ooh, oh, I've gotta go. (raises) Whoa, oh,
I out of control? [Time lapse. They are now in Monica's bedroom, on the head rush. One more, and then I have to go. (sits
Rachel: Just a touch. Mon, I don't understand. I bed.] down, and then raises again) Cool!
mean, you've been dating this guy since like, Young Ethan: Wow! Rachel: Where are you going?
what... his midterms? I mean, why all the sudden Monica: You keep saying that. Phoebe: Um, oh, I've got a birthday party, with some
are you so... Oh. Young Ethan: You know, you read about it, you see it in work people.
Monica: What? the movies. Even when you practice it at home, man oh Chandler: Work people? Nobody told me.
Rachel: Could tonight be the Night? man, it is nothing like that. Phoebe: No, I know. That's a part of the whole, you
Monica: I don't know. Look he's a great guy and I (They kiss) know, them-not-liking-you-extravaganza.
love being with him but... you know. Things Monica: Listen, uh, you told me something that was really Chandler: You know, I don't get this. A month ago,
happen, and they happen. You don't plan these difficult for you. And I, I-I figured if you could be honest, these people were my friends. You know, just because
things. then I can to. I'm in charge doesn't mean I'm a different person.
Rachel: So, did you shave your legs? Young Ethan: Oh god, don't tell me, I did it wrong. Phoebe: Well, then you should come tonight. You
Monica: Yeah. Monica: No-no. Nothing wrong about that. know, just hang out with them. Let them see what a
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great guy you still are. Ross! Dr. Franzblau: Hey, how's my favorite parenting
Chandler: You think I should? (Ross gets all excited and starts to dance on the coffee team doing?
Phoebe: I really do, yeah. table, but slips allmost immediatly, and falls onto the couch. Ross: Dr. Franzblau, hi.
Chandler: Okay. Rachel wakes up.) Dr. Franzblau: So, I understand you're thinking of
Phoebe: Okay. Rachel: Ross? having a baby? Well, I see you're nine months
Chandler: Okay. Ross: I'm here. pregnant. That's a good start. How you doing with
Phoebe: Oh, but, could we not go together? I,I Rachel: You are. Well, um... We, we, we were your contractions?
don't wanna be the geek that invited the boss. just... Wow! Carol: Oh, I love them. Each one's like a little party in
[Scene: Chandler's office, he and Phoebe are Ross: What? (his beeper goes off) Great, now I'm having a my uterus.
taking a break from work.] baby. Susan: They're every four minutes and last 55
Chandler: I Think last night was great. You know, Rachel: What? seconds.
the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I doing Ebony and Ross: Ooh, Ooh. Ross: 59 seconds. (holds up his watch) Quartz, ha.
Ivory. Rachel: What? Susan: Swiss quartz, ha, ha.
Phoebe: You were great. But they still made fun Ross: I'm having... I'm having a baby. (jumps back onto Carol: Am I allowed to drink anything?
of you. the table again) I'm having a... Where's the phone? The Dr. Franzblau: Ice chips, just ice chips. They're at the
Chandler: What? phone? nurses' station.
Phoebe: You know, now you're more like, you Rachel: I don't know where the phone is. Ross: I'll get it.
know like, "Mr. Caring Boss," "Mr.", you know, "I'm (Ross runs from the table, over the couch but slips and falls Susan: No, I'm getting it. I'll be right back.
one of you, Boss," "Mr., I wanna be your buddy, onto the floor) Ross: I got it—I'm getting it!
Boss Man Bing!" Rachel: Ross? (They both leave just as Rachel enters the room,
Chandler: Then, I don't get it. Ross: I'm hurt. holding a cup.)
Phoebe: Well, you know what Chandler? I think Closing Credits Rachel: Hi, I thought you might like some ice chips.
you've gotta face it. You're like, the guy in the big [Scene: The Hallway, Ross is eagerly waiting for the others Carol: Thanks.
office, you know. You're the one that hires them, to get ready, to go to the hospital.] Rachel: And if you need anything else, I—(notices the
that fires them... They still say you're a great boss. Ross: Monica, let's go. Come on now people, woman in handsome Dr. Franzblau)—do not believe we've met.
Chandler: They do? labor. Hi. I'm, uh, Rachel Green. I'm Carol's... ex-husband's...
Phoebe: Uh huh. But they're not your friends (Chandler struts out from his apartment) sister's roommate.
anymore. Chandler: (doing a little dance) Hey Ross, look what I've Dr. Franzblau: It is nice to meet you. I'm Dr.
Chandler: I just wan't to... got going here. Franzblau. I'm your roommate's... brother's... ex-wife's
Phoebe: No, but you can't. Ross: Yeah, save it for the cab, okay. obstetrician.
Chandler: But I just wa... (Rachel comes out from their apartment with a mirror and Rachel: Oh, that's funny!
Phoebe: Uh uh. a lipstick in her hands) [Scene: The Waiting Room, Chandler is falling asleep
[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone exept Phoebe and Ross: What are you doing? We're going to a hospital. on Monica's shoulder.]
Chandler is there. Ross's beeper goes off and Rachel: What, so I can't lokk nice? There might be doctors Monica: I want a baby.
everyone exept him react.] there. Chandler: Mmmm. Not tonight, honey. I got an early
Monica: Aren't you gonna... Ross: Joey, get out of the fridge. day tomorrow.
Ross: Oh, Carol and I have a new system. If she Joey: All right, all right. (he comes out from their Monica: Get up. Come on. Let's get some coffee.
punches in 911, it means she's having a baby, apartment with a huge sandwich in his hand) Chandler: Oh, ok, 'cause we never do that.
otherwise I just ignore it. Ross: What is that? (refering to the sandwich) (Chandler and Monica leave. Cut to Joey, watching the
Joey: What about Andr? Joey: For the ride. Knicks/Celtics game on television.)
Ross: Oh, well this morning he got a call from who Chandler: Yeah, like in a cab... Joey: (to the screen) Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot, or
I think was our cousin Nathan, and frankly, it was Ross: Save it. just fall down. That's good too.
a little more than I needed to know. Chandler: Okay, hating this. (A young pregnant woman enters.)
(Ethan enters) Ross: Monica, come on now. Let's go, baby coming. Lydia: Knick fan?
Young Ethan: Hey. (Monica enters from their apartment, crying) Joey: Oh, yeah.
Monica: That was gonna be my opener. Monica: I can't belive it, I'm gonna be an aunt. I'm gonna Lydia: Oh, boy, do they suck.
Rachel: (understands that Monica and Ethan have like a nephew. Joey: Hey, listen, lady....(sees that she's
wanna be alone) Hey, did you guys check out Ross: That's nice. Get out Let's go, come on. pregnant)...whoa.
those new hand-dryers in the bathroom? Joey: All right, I'm going. I'm going. Lydia: Look, look at your man, Ewing. Nice shot. You
Ross: I thought that was just a rumour. (They all go down the stairs, but Ross turns around, know what, he couldn't hit water if he was standing on
Rachel: True story. looking like his in a coma. The others also turns around to a boat.
Joey: They're here already? get him.) Joey: Oh yeah? And who do you like?
(Rachel, Ross and Ross go to the bathroom) Chandler: Here we go, here we go. Lydia: The Celtics.
Young Ethan: All right, look. I've gotta tell you Rachel: Rossy, Rossy. Joey: The Celtics? Ha. They couldn't hit a boat if...wait.
something. I'm not 17. I only said so that you'd End They suck, alright?
think I was cute and vunerable. I'm actually 30, I Lydia: Oh, shut up. You know, it's a rebuilding year.
have a wife, I have a job, I'm your Congressman. 123 The One With the Birth You... waah!
Monica, this is ridiculous, we're great together. We Joey: Wha? Wha..aa? Let me get the father. Hey, we
can talk, we make each other laugh, and the sex. [Scene: The hospital, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and need a father over here! We need a father!
Oh, man, okay i have no frame of graft, but I Monica are in the waiting room, waiting for Carol and Lydia: There is no father.
thought that was great. Susan to arrive.] Joey: Oh, oh, oh, sorry.
Monica: It was. Ross: She's not here yet. She's not here. She's having my Lydia: Ok, that's ok. I'm fine. I'm... oh!
Young Ethan: Then, what's the problem? baby and she's not here. Joey: Oh, uh, ok. Right this way. All the other
Monica: Ethan, it's um... it's icky. Monica: I'm sure everything's fine. Has her water broke pregnant women seem to be goin' in here.
Young Ethan: Icky? You're actually gonna throw yet? Lydia: Ok.
this away because it's icky? Ross: I don't know, but when I spoke to her, she said she (Joey accompanies Lydia to a hospital room.)
Monica: This isn't easy for me either. I wish had already passed the mucus plug. [Scene: The Waiting Room, Phoebe is playing a song.
things were different, I... If you were a few years (Joey makes a sound of absolute disgust.) Chandler, Monica, and Ross are there as well.]
older, or if I was a few years younger, or if we Joey: Do we have to know about that? Phoebe: (singing)
lived in biblical times, I would really... Monica: Joey, what are you gonna do when you have a They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch,
Young Ethan: No, don't say it. (closes Monica's baby? and soon they'll grow up and resent you so much.
mouth with his hand) Joey: I'm gonna be in the waitin' room, handing out cigars. Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why,
Monica: ...love you. Chandler: Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his you cry and you cry and you cry.
(Ross, Rachel and Joey come back from the baby in a movie from the 50's. And you cry and you cry and you cry...
bathroom. They discover that Monica and Ethan Ross: God, I don't believe this. She could be giving birth in (Ross gives Phoebe a dollar.)
aren't finished talking to each other yet.) the cab. Phoebe: Thanks, Ross.
Ross: Are you're hands still wet? Rachel: Oh, Ross, relax. It's probably like two dollars for Ross: Yeah. I'm paying you to stop.
Joey: Uh, moist, yeah. the first contraction, and then fifty cents for each additional Phoebe: Ok.
Rachel: Let's dry 'em again. contraction. (A woman passes by, carrying newborn twins.)
(They go to the bathroom again) (Everyone looks at Rachel as though she made a tasteless Phoebe: Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.
[Scene: A hall on the floor where Chandler works. comment.) Monica: No fair. I don't even have one. How come
Chandler and Phoebe enters, and overhears some Rachel: What, it's ok when Chandler does it? they get two?
employees's conversation. One of them is doing Chandler: You have to pick your moments. Chandler: You'll get one.
Chandler.] (Phoebe arrives, guitar in hand.) Monica: Oh yeah? When?
Gerston: Uh, like, could these margaritas be any Phoebe: Did I miss it, did I miss it? Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40,
stronger? (They discover that Chandler is listening) Ross: She's not even here yet. if neither one of us are married, what do you say you
Hey, Chandler. Monica: What's with the guitar? and I get together and have one?
Santos: Hello, Mr. Bing. Phoebe: I just thought we might be here for awhile. You Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40?
Petrie: Loved your Stevie Wonder last night. know, things might get musical. Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.
Chandler: Thanks. Listen, about the weekly (Carol and Susan arrive.) Monica: Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be married
numbers, I'm gonna need them on my desk by Ross: (to Carol) Where the hell have you been? when I'm 40?
nine o'clock. Susan: We stopped at the gift shop. Chandler: No, no, no.
Santos: Sure. Carol: I was looking at stuffed animals, and Susan wanted Monica: What is it? Is there something fundamentally
Gerston: No problem. a Chunky. unmarriable about me?
(They go away, trying very hard not to laugh at Ross: Susan wanted a Chunky. We're having a baby, ok, a Chandler: (trapped) Uh, uh.
Chandler) baby, you don't stop for Chunkys. Monica: Well?
Chandler: You have to give 'em something, you Chandler: I used to have that bumper sticker. Chandler: Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack!
know. Okay, now that was Gerston, Santos, and (Everyone is amused by Chandler's comment.) (throws himself over the back of the chair he was
who's the guy with the moustache? Chandler: (to Rachel) You see what I mean. sitting in)
Phoebe: Petrie. Opening Credits (Rachel enters, in a formal dress.)
Chandler: Petrie, right, right. Okay, some people [Scene: Carol's Hospital Room, Carol is on the bed, Ross Rachel: Hey.
gonna be working this weekend. and Susan are at her side.] Phoebe: Hey. Ooh, look at you, dressy-dress.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is watching TV, Ross: Stopped for a Chunky. Monica: Did you go home and change?
but turns it off, and Rachel is sleeping on the Carol: Let it go, Ross. Rachel: Yeah, well, it's an important day. I wanna
couch. Ross puts a blanket over her.] Susan: I got an extra one. You want this? (holds the candy look nice. Um, has uh Dr. Franzblau been by?
Rachel: (talking in her sleep) Oooooooooh. in front of Ross' face) Monica: No, I haven't seen him.
(Rachel strokes her hand over the pillow. Ross Ross: (weakly) No. Rachel: Well, where is he? He is supposed to be here.
mimicks her silently) Oh, that's nice. Oh, oh. Huh, (Carol's doctor, Dr. Franzblau arrives.) (Pause) What if the baby needs him?
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Chandler: Rachel, what is the deal with you and the hall, taking them into a broom closet.) been waiting for this just as much as you have.
doctors, anyway? Was, like, your father a doctor? Phoebe: Hey, hey, ok, all right, that's it! Get in here. Come Ross: No no no, believe me. No one has been waiting
Rachel: Yeah, why? on. My god, you guys, I don't believe you. There are for this as much as I have, ok? And you know what the
Chandler: No reason. (turns around, makes an children coming into the world in this very building and funny thing is? When this day is over, you get to go
'Oh my God' gesture with his eyes) your negative fighting noises are not the first thing they home with the baby, ok? Where does that leave me?
[Scene: Joey and Lydia in the hospital room. Lydia should be hearing. So just stop all the yelling, just stop it! Susan: You get to be the baby's father. Everyone
is on the phone with her mother.] Ross: Yeah, Susan. knows who you are. Who am I? There's Mother's Day,
Lydia: Mom, we've been through this. No, I'm not Phoebe: Don't make me do this again, I don't like my there's Father's Day, there's no... Lesbian Lover Day.
calling him. I don't care if it is his kid, the guy's a voice like this. Ross: Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.
jerk. No, I'm not alone. Joey's here. (pause) What (Phoebe goes to leave the room, but the door is locked.) Phoebe: This is so great.
do you mean, Joey who? (covers the phone, to Phoebe: Ok, who wants to hear something ironic? Ross: You wanna explain that?
Joey) Joey who? Commercial Break Phoebe: I mean, well, 'cause when I was growing up,
Joey: Tribbiani. [Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross and Susan are trying to you know my dad left, and my mother died, and my
Lydia: Joey Tribbiani. Yes, ok. Hold on. (to Joey) get out.] stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces
She wants to talk to you. Take the phone. All: Help! of parents to make one whole one. And here's this little
Joey: (takes phone) Hi, yeah, it's me. (Listens) Oh, Ross: I'm having a baby in here! Ok, everyone stand back. baby who has like three whole parents who care about
no no no, we're just friends. (Listens) Yeah, I'm (Walks backwards as if he is going to break down the door, it so much that they're fighting over who gets to love it
single. (Listens) 25. (Listens) An actor. (Listens) but steps in a bucket and falls) Ow. the most. And it's not even born yet. It's just, it's just
Hello? [Scene: Carol's room, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau are there the luckiest baby in the whole world. (pause) I'm sorry,
Lydia: She's not much of a phone person. with her.] you were fighting.
Joey: Yeah, so, uh, so, uh, what's the deal with Carol: Are they here yet? [Scene: Carol's Room, she is ready to give birth.
this father guy, I mean, if someone was havin' my Rachel: No, honey, they're not, but don't worry, because Everyone is there except for Phoebe, Ross, and Susan,
baby somewhere, I'd wanna know about it, you we are going to find them, and until we do, we are all here who are in the broom closet.]
know? for you, ok? Carol: Where are they?
Lydia: Hey, Knick fan, am I interested in your Carol: Ok. Monica: I'm sure they'll be here soon.
views on fatherhood? Uh, no. Rachel: Ok? Rachel: Yeah, honey, they wouldn't miss this.
Joey: Ok, look, maybe I should just go. Carol: Ok. Joey: Relax. You're only at nine centimeters. And the
Lydia: Maybe you should. Rachel: (to Dr. Franzblau) Ok, so anyway, you were telling baby's at zero station.
Joey: Good luck, and uh, take care, huh? me about Paris, it sounds fascinating. Chandler: (to Joey) You are really frightening me.
(He leaves, but then returns a moment later.) Dr. Franzblau: It really was. There was this great little (Carol suddenly screams in pain and grabs Chandler by
Joey: You know what the Celtics problem is? They pastry shop right by my hotel. (Carol sits up in pain, Rachel the shirt.)
let the players run the team. and Dr. Franzblau casually lay her back down) There you Chandler: Somebody wanna help me, tryin' to rip out
Lydia: Oh, that is so not true. go, dear. my heart. (they pull her hand off of him) Uh, that's
Joey: Oh, it is. [Scene: Lydia's Room, Joey is helping her deliver.] great. (looking around) Anybody seen a nipple?
Lydia: It isn't. Joey: Come on, Lydia, you can do it. Push! Push 'em out, Dr. Franzblau: All right, ten centimeters, here we go.
Joey: It is. push 'em out, harder, harder. Push 'em out, push 'em out, Nurse: All right, honey, time to start pushing.
Lydia: Isn't! way out! Let's get that ball and really move, hey, hey, ho, Carol: But they're not here yet!
[Scene: Carol's Hospital Room, Ross and Susan are ho. Let's— (notices the nurse looking at him strangely) I Dr. Franzblau: I'm sorry, I can't tell the baby to wait
coaching Carol.] was just—yeah, right. Push! Push! for them.
Ross: Breathe. [Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has picked up a vacuum Carol: Oh, god.
Susan: Breathe. and is holding it at the door.] [Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has used a broom to
Ross: Breathe. Susan: What're you gonna do, suck the door open? open the air vent in the ceiling. Phoebe is wearing a
Susan: Breathe. Ross: Help! Help! janitor's uniform, ready to go up in the vent.]
Ross: Breathe. Phoebe: (singing) They found their bodies the very next Ross: Ok, got the vent open.
Susan: Breathe. day, they found their bodies the very next...(sees Ross and Phoebe: (reading the nametag on the uniform) Hi, I'm
Carol: You're gonna kill me! Susan staring at her) la la la la la la. Ben. I'm hospital worker Ben. It's Ben... to the rescue!
Ross: 15 more seconds, 14, 13, 12... Susan and Ross: (even louder) Help! Ross: Ben, you ready? All right, gimme your foot. Ok,
Carol: Count faster. [Scene: The Waiting Room, Monica is on the phone with on three, Ben. One, two, three. Ok, That's it, Ben.
Susan: It's gonna be ok, just remember, we're her mother, Chandler is standing behind her.] (Ross and Susan lift Phoebe up into the vent.)
doing this for Jordie. Just keep focusing on Jordie. Monica: Now, Mom, everything's going fine, really. Susan: What do you see?
Ross: Who the hell is Jordie? (Listens) Yeah, Ross is great. He's uh, he's in a whole other Phoebe: Well, Susan, I see what appears to be a dark
Susan: Your son. place. (Listens) No, he's gone. (Listens) No no, you don't vent. Wait. Yes, it is in fact a dark vent.
Ross: No-no-no. I don't have a son named Jordie. have to fly back, really. (Listens) What do you mean this (A janitor opens the closet door from the outside.)
We all agreed, my son's name is Jamie. might be your only chance? (Listens) Would you stop? I'm Ross: Phoebs, It's open! It's open!
Carol: Well, Jamie was the name of Susan's first only 26, I'm not even thinking about babies yet. (Ross and Susan run to the delivery room, leaving
girlfriend, so we went back to Jordie. (Monica sees a woman pass by with a baby, puts the phone Phoebe dangling from the vent.)
Ross: What? Whoa, whoa whoa whoa, what do to her chest, and starts to cry. Chandler takes the phone, Janitor: (to Ross and Susan) Wait! You forgot your
you mean, back to Jordie? We never landed on makes a noise in it resembling static, and hangs up. Joey legs!
Jordie. We just passed by it during the whole Jessy, enters.) [Scene: Carol's Room, Ross and Susan rush in.]
Cody, Dylan fiasco. Chandler: Where have you been? All: Push, push!
Carol: Ow, ow, ow, ow, leg cramp, leg cramp, leg Joey: Oh, just had a baby. Ross: We're here!
cramp. Chandler: Mazel tov! Carol: (irked) Where have you been?
Ross: I got it. [Scene: The Waiting Room, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau have Ross: Long story, honey.
Susan: I got it. gone to get coffee.] Dr. Franzblau: All right, Carol, I need you to keep
Ross: I got it! Hey, you get to sleep with her, I get Dr. Franzblau: I don't know, could be an hour, could be pushing. I need—(reaches for an instrument, Rachel's
the cramps. three, but relax, she's doing great. So, uh, tell me, are you hand is on it) Excuse me, could I have this?
Susan: No, you don't. currently involved with anyone? Nurse: All right, all right, there's a few too many
Carol: All right, that's it. I want both of you out. Rachel: (anxiously) No, no, not at the moment, no, I'm people in this room, and there's about to be one more,
Ross: Why? not. Are you? so anybody who's not an ex-husband or a lesbian life
Susan: He started it! Dr. Franzblau: No, it's hard enough to get women to go partner, out you go!
Ross: No, you started it. out with me. All: Good luck!
Susan: You did! Rachel: Right, yeah, I've heard that about cute doctors. (Everyone heads for the door.)
Carol: I don't care. I am trying to get a person out Dr. Franzblau: No, no, really. I suppose it's because I Chandler: (to nurse) Let me ask you, do you have to
of my body here, and you're not making it any spend so much time, you know, where I do. be Carol's lesbian life partner?
easier. Rachel: Oh. Nurse: Out!
Ross: But... Dr. Franzblau: I try not to let my work affect my personal Dr. Franzblau: All right, he's crowning. Here he
Carol: Now go! life, but it's hard, when you... do what I do. It's like comes.
Ross: (to Susan) Thanks a lot. uh...Well, for instance, what do you do? Ross: Let me see, I gotta see, I gotta see. Oh, a head.
Susan: (to Ross) See what you did. Rachel: I'm a waitress. Oh, it's, it's huge. Carol, how are you doing this?
Ross: (to Carol) Yeah, listen... Dr. Franzblau: Ok, all right, well aren't there times when Carol: (straining) Not.... helping!
Carol: Out! you come home at the end of the day, and you're just like, Dr. Franzblau: You're doing great, you're doing fine.
(Ross and Susan both angrily leave the hopsital 'if I see one more cup of coffee'... Ross: (puts his head near the baby) Hello! (to Dr.
room.) Rachel: (getting the point) Yeah. Gotcha. Franzblau) Oh, sorry.
[Scene: Lydia's Hospital Room, Joey is helping Dr. Franzblau: I'm gonna go check up on your friend. Susan: What do you see? What do you see?
Lydia go through labor, a nurse is now present in Rachel: Ok. That's fine. (takes her earrings out) Ross: We got a head, we got shoulders, we got arms,
her room as well.] [Scene: The Hall Outside Lydia's Room, Joey is walking up we got, oh, look at the little fingers, oh, and a chest,
Nurse: Breathe, breathe, breathe... to Lydia's room with balloons, but before he enters he sees and a stomach. It's a boy, definitely a boy! All right! Ok,
Lydia: Oh, no. that the baby's father has arrived. He listens at the door.] legs, knees, and feet. Oh, oh. He's here. He's a person.
(Joey looks down at Lydia.) Lydia: So how did you know I was even here? Susan: Oh, look at that.
Joey: Ew! What is that? Something exploded! Guy: Your mom called me. So is this her? Carol: What does he look like?
Nurse: It's just her water breaking. Calm down, Lydia: No, this is a loaner. Ross: Kinda like my uncle Ed, covered in Jell-o.
will you? Guy: I'm sorry you had to do this by yourself. Carol: Really?
Joey: (panicked) Water breaking, what do you Lydia: I wasn't by myself. I had a doctor, a nurse, and a Phoebe: (from the air vent overhead) You guys, he's
mean? What's that, water breaking? helper guy. (Joey smiles) So, did you see who won the beautiful!
Nurse: (to Joey) Breathe, breathe, breathe. game? Ross: Oh, thanks, Pheebs!
[Scene: The Hall, Ross and Susan are arguing.] Guy: Yeah, the Knicks by 10. They suck. (They look up towards the vent and wave at Phoebe.)
Ross: Please. This is so your fault. Lydia: Yeah, they're not so bad. [Scene: The Delivery Room, Carol is holding the
Susan: How, how is this my fault? (Joey closes the door and ties the balloons to the knob. infant.]
Ross: Look, Carol never threw me out of a room Then he walks away, holding the hand of an inflated Susan: No shouting, but we still need a name for this
before you came along. balloon animal he had brought.) little guy.
Susan: Yeah? Well, there's a lot of things Carol [Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross is trying to open the door Ross: (thinking) How 'bout Ben?
never did before I came along. with a credit card, with no success.] Susan: I like Ben.
Ross: You tryin' to be clever? A funny lady? Ross: Come on, come on. Damnit, damnit, damnit, damnit. Carol: Ben. Ben. Ben's good. How come you never
Susan: You know what your problem is? You're (to Susan) This is all your fault. This is supposed to be, like, mentioned Ben before?
threatened by me. the greatest day of my life, y'know? My son is being born, Ross: We uh, we just cooked it up.
Ross: Oh, I'm threatened by you? and I should be in there, you know, instead of stuck in a Susan: That's what we were off doing.
Susan: Yes. closet with you. (Monica opens the door.)
(Phoebe has heard them arguing and comes down Susan: The woman I love is having a baby today. I've Monica: Hi.
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Ross: Hey. Joey: We make fire. Cook meat. for her?
Monica: Can we come in? Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited Joey: What do you mean?
(The whole gang enters.) back. Monica: Y'know, just be there for her.
Ross: (to Ben) I know, I know. Everybody, there's Monica and Phoebe: Ewww! (Long pause... Joey looks confused.)
someone I'd like you to meet. Yeah. This is Ben. Monica: Oh Joey, Melanie called, said she's gonna be late. Joey: Not following you.
Ben, this is everybody. Joey: Oh, OK. Monica: Think about it.
Phoebe: Susan, he looks just like you. Phoebe: So how are things going with you two? Is she (They both walk over to where Rachel is opening her
Susan: Thanks. becoming your (provocatively) special someone? gifts. Rachel sees her first gift is a fruit basket.)
Rachel: Oh, god, I can't believe one of us actually Joey: I don't know, she's, uh.... she's pretty great. Rachel: OK, I'm guessing this is from...
has one of these. Monica: Yeah? What does she think of your little science (Melanie smiles.)
Chandler: I know, I still am one of these. project? Rachel: Well, thank you, Melanie.
Monica: Ross, can I? Joey: What, you think I'm gonna tell a girl I like that I'm Chandler: (pointing out a gift) OK, this one right here
(Monica holds Ben.) also seeing a cup? is from me.
Ross: The head, the head. You gotta... Monica: Man's got a point. Rachel: (picks it up) OK... ah, it's light... (shakes
Monica: (getting choked up) Hi, Ben. Hi. I'm your Joey: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have it)...it rattles... it's... (opens it) Travel Scrabble!
Aunt Monica. Yes I am. I'm your Aunt Monica. I...I sex with me. Oooohhh, thank you! (she gives it back to him)
will always have gum. Chandler: Crazy bitch. (Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another
Closing Credits Joey: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, gift.)
[Scene: The Hospital, the camera is placed as and according to the rules, if I want to get the money I'm Rachel: This one's from Joey... feels like a book.
though it were Ben's eyes.] not allowed to conduct any... ersonal experiments, if you Thinks it's a book... feels like a book. And...(opens
Ross: Ben, I want you to know that there may be know what I mean. it)...it's a book!
some times when I may not be around, like this. Monica: Joey... we always know what you mean. Phoebe: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss!
(walks out of the picture) But I'll still always come [Time lapse. Chandler and Joey are making the fire, Monica Joey: (to Rachel): That book got me through some
back, like this. (returns) And sometimes I may be and Phoebe are inside. Ross enters, carrying luggage.] tough times.
away longer, like this. (walks away) But I'll still Phoebe: Hey. Melanie: There is a little child inside this man!
always come back, like this. (returns) Monica: Hey. Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll
(Chandler comes into the picture.) Ross: Hey. (Phoebe sees his bags) die.
Chandler: And sometimes, I'll want you to steal Phoebe: How long did you think this barbecue was gonna (Rachel picks up the next gift.)
third, and I'll go like this. (Does a baseball sign.) last? Rachel: Who's this from?
(The rest of the group come into the picture.) Ross: I'm going to China. Chandler: Oh, that's Ross's.
Monica: He is so amazing. Phoebe: Jeez, you say one thing, and... Rachel: Oh... (opens it)... (sees it is a pin) Oh my God.
Rachel: Oh, I know. Look at him. Monica: You're going to China? He remembered.
Joey: Ben, Ben, hey Ben. Nothing. I don't think Ross: Yeah, i-it's for the museum. Someone found a bone, Phoebe: Remembered what?
that's his name. we want the bone, but they don't want us to have the bone, Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by
Phoebe: Oh, look, look, he's closing his eyes. so I'm going over there to try to persuade them to give us this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window,
(screen goes blank) Look, he's opening his eyes. the bo—it's—it's a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I'm and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had
(picture comes back) gonna be gone for like, uh... like a week, so, uh, if you when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he
Joey: He doesn't do much, does he? wanna reach me, y-you can't. So here's my itinerary (hands remembered!
Ross: No, this is pretty much it. a sheet of paper to Monica). Um... here's a picture of me... Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane?
(long moment of silence) (hands it to Monica) (pats his Travel Scrabble game)
Rachel: You guys wanna get some coffee? Phoebe: Oh, let me see! (takes the picture) Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a
All: Yeah. Ross: (to Monica): Could you take it to Carol's every now fortune.
Ross: All right, I'll see you guys later. and then, and show it to Ben, just so he doesn't forget me? Monica: I can't believe he did this.
(They all leave but Ross, but they all come back a Monica: Yeah. Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college,
few seconds later. They make faces at the baby.) (Phoebe puts the picture of Ross up to her face.) when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that
Phoebe: Oh, look, he's closing his eyes again. Phoebe: Hi, Ben. I'm your father. I am... the head. ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
(The screen fades to black.) Aaaaaahhhh.... (puts picture down, sees Ross staring at (Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the
End her) Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun. beans about Ross's crush on Rachel. You can hear this
Ross: Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a entire classic scene by clicking here.)
124 The One Where Rachel Finds Out happy birthday before I left. Rachel: What did you just say?
Monica: Oh no, she's out having drinks with Carl. Chandler: (panicked) ahem... um... Crystal duck.
[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross: Oh. (pause) Hey, who's Carl? Rachel: No, no, no.... the, um, the... 'love' part?
Ross is showing pictures of his new baby boy, Ben, Monica: You know, that guy she met at the coffeehouse. Chandler: (stuttering incoherently) F-hah....
to the group.] Ross: No. flennin....
Ross: And here's little Ben nodding off... Phoebe: Oh, well, see, there's this guy she met at the... Rachel: Oh.... my God.
Monica: Awww, look at Aunt Monica's little boy! Ross: At the coffeehouse, right. Chandler: (rubbing his temples) Oh,
Phoebe: Oh, look, he's got Ross's haircut! Phoebe: So you do know who he is! (laughs, Ross stares no-no-no-no-no....
Rachel: Oh, let me see! (grabs picture) Oh, God, at her) Sorry. Joey: (pats Chandler on the leg) That's good, just
is he just the sweetest thing? You must just want Ross: OK, I'm gonna go say goodbye to the guys. keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.
to kiss him all over! Phoebe: Oh, hey, y'know what? Tell them that bone story. Commercial Break
(Ross is practically drooling over Rachel at this (Ross goes outisde on the balcony.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
point.) Ross: Hi. Rachel: I mean, this is unbelievable.
Ross: (quietly) That would be nice. Joey: Hey! Phoebe: I know. This is really, really huge.
(Chandler, annoyed with Ross's fawning, makes a Chandler: Hey! Chandler: No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite.
'pfft' noise.) Ross: (sigh)....I have to go to China. It's wee.
Rachel: Pardon? Joey: The country? Phoebe: Nuh-uh. I don't think any of our lives are
Chandler: Nothing, just a little extra air in my Ross: No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom's breakfront. ever gonna be the same ever again.
mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft. (walks over to where Joey is Do you guys know who Carl is? Chandler: OK, is there a mute button on this woman?
seated) Chandler: Uh, let's see... Alvin... Simon... Theodore.... no. Monica: I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross!
(Joey is looking at his check.) Ross: Well, Rachel's having drinks with him tonight. D-did you have any idea?
Joey: Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I Joey: Oh no! How can she do that when she's never Rachel: No! None! I mean, my first night in the city,
promise I'll pay you back. shown any interest in you?!? he mentioned something about asking me out, but
Chandler: Oh, yeah, right, OK... inlcuding the Chandler: Forget about her. nothing ever happened, so I just... (to Joey): W-well,
waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jillion Joey: He's right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go
dollars. Chinese food. out with me?
Joey: I will, really. I'll pay you back this time. Chandler: Course there, they just call it food. Joey: Well, given that he's desperately in love with
Chandler: (sigh)... And where's this money Ross: Yeah... I guess. I don't—I don't know. Alright, just... you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee
coming from? (gives money to Joey) just give her this for me, OK? (gives Chandler a gift for or something.
Joey: Well... I'm helping out down at the N.Y.U. Rachel) Rachel: Ross? All this time? Well, I've got to talk to
Med School with some... research. Joey: Listen, buddy, we're just looking out for you. him. (gets up to leave)
Ross: (overhearing) What kind of research? Ross: I know. Chandler: (quickly) H-He's in China!
Joey: Oh, just, y'know.... science. Joey: We want you to be happy. And I may only have a Joey: The country.
Ross: Science. Yeah, I think I've heard of that. couple beers in me, but... I love you, man. (Joey gives Ross Monica: No, no, wait. (checks Ross's itinerary) His
(everyone's interest is piqued, they all look over) a hug) flight doesn't leave for another forty-five more
Joey: (sigh)... It's a fertility study. Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice. minutes.
(Rachel laughs.) [Time lapse. Melanie, Joey's girlfriend, is there with Joey, Chandler: What about the time difference?
Monica: Oh, Joey, please tell me you're only Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel. Ross is gone.] Monica: From here to the airport?
donating your time. Melanie: Anyway, that's when me and my friends started Chandler: Yes! (Rachel walks towards door) You're
Joey: Alright, come on you guys, it's not that big a this whole fruit basket business. We call ourselves 'The never gonna make it!
deal. Really... I mean, I just go down there every Three Basketeers.' Monica: Rachel, what're you gonna say to him?
other day and... make my contribution to the Joey: Like the three musketeers, only with fruit. Rachel: I-I-I don't know.
project. Hey, hey, but at the end of two weeks, I Chandler: (sarcastic) Ooooh. (looks dumbfounded at Chandler: Well then maybe you shouldn't go.
get seven hundred dollars. Joey's stupidity) Joey: He's right, cause if you're just gonna, like, break
Ross: Hey. Monica: (gets up) OK, how does everybody like their his heart, that's the kind of thing that can wait.
Phoebe: Wow, ooh, you're gonna be making burgers? Monica: Yeah, but if it's good news, you should tell
money hand over fist! Rachel: Oh, no, no, no. Presents first. Food later. (walks him now.
Opening Credits into living room) Rachel: I don't know. Maybe I'll know when I see him.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe (Everyone follows Rachel to the living room. Monica pulls Phoebe: Here, look, alright, does this help?
are preparing for a barbecue for Rachel's Joey aside.) (Phoebe gets up, holds the picture of Ross up to her
birthday.] Monica: Hey, hold on there, tiger. How's it going? How face.)
Monica: OK, we got the cole slaw, we got the you holding up? Rachel: Noooo... look, all I know is that I cannot wait
buns... Joey: Well, not so good. She definitely thinks tonight is the a week until I see him. I mean, this is just too big.
Phoebe: We've got the ground-up flesh of night we're gonna... complete the transaction, if you know Y'know, I just, I've just gotta talk to him. I... I gotta...
formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew... (hands meat what I... OK, I'll see you later. (opens door)
to Monica) (Monica rolls her eyes.) Chandler: Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! (she
(Chandler and Joey enter with charcoal.) Joey: Then you do. Heh, heh.
Chandler: (in a deep voice) Men are here. Monica: So, uh, have you ever thought about being there
leaves) [Scene: Airport, Ross has headphones on, and is listening to a 'How To Speak Chinese' tape. Occasionally, he
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makes an outburst in Chinese in accordance with Joey: Oh, it was amazing. You know how you always think Rachel: (sifting through crowd) Excuse me, pardon
the tape. He is getting on the jetway. The flight you're great in bed? me, excuse me, excuse me, sorry. Hi.
attendant is there.] Chandler: The fact that you'd even ask that question [Cut to the jetway, the old man who the flight
Ross: (something in Chinese) shows how little you know me. attendant delivered Rachel's message to gets off the
Flight Attendant: Alright! Joey: Well, it's like, last night, I couldn't do the thing that plane, his wife still upset with him.]
Ross: Ni-chou chi-ma! (walks onto jetway) usually makes me great. So I had to do all this other stuff. Man: For God's sake, will you let it go? There's no
(Rachel runs into the airport, trying to catch Ross, And the response I got... man, oh man, it was like a ticker Rachel!
moving people out of the way.) tape parade! (A Chinese woman getting off the plane drops one of
Rachel: Ross! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse Chandler: Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very her bags. Ross gets off next.)
me.... close to the parade route. Ross: Oh, hey, hey, I got that.
(Rachel gets up to the jetway.) Joey: It was amazing! And not just for her... uh-uh. For me, (Ross picks up the bag... then he and the woman kiss.)
Flight Attendant: Hi! too. It's like, all of a sudden, I'm blind. But all my other Julie: Oh, thanks, sweetie.
Rachel: Hi. senses are heightened, y'know? It's like... I was able to Ross: No problem. I cannot wait for you to meet my
Flight Attendant: May I see your boarding pass? appreciate it on another level. friends.
Rachel: Oh, no, no, I don't have one. I just need Chandler: I didn't know you had another level. Julie: Really?
to talk to my friend. Joey: I know! Neither did I! Ross: Yeah.
Flight Attendant: Oh, oooh. I'm sorry. You are [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, one week later. Monica is Julie: You don't think they'll judge and ridicule me?
not allowed on the jetway unless you have a seated, Rachel comes out of her bedroom.] Ross: No, no, they will. I just... uh...
boarding pass. Monica: Hey, great skirt! Birthday present? Ross and Julie: Can't wait.
Rachel: No, I know, but I—he just went on. He's Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Come on, they're gonna love you.
right there, he's got the blue jacket on, I... can I Monica: Oh, from who? [Cut to a close-up of Rachel, eagerly awaiting Ross's
j-just... Rachel: From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me. arrival... not knowing he is getting off the plane with
Flight Attendant: No no no! Federal regulations! Monica: Well, it's the thought. Hey, doesn't Ross's flight another woman.]
Rachel: OK, alright, OK, um... then could you get in in a couple hours? At gate 27-B? End
please, uh... just give him a message for me? Rachel: Uh, yeah. Uh, Monica, y'know, honey, I've been
Please? This is very important. thinking about it and I've decided this—this whole Ross 201 The One With Ross' New Girlfriend
Flight Attendant: Alright. What's the message? thing, it's just not a good idea. [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is recapping last season,
Rachel: Uh... I don't know. Monica: Oh, why? and as she talks we see a montague of scenes from
[Cut to the Jetway, the flight attendant enters, Rachel: Because, I feel like I wouldn't just be going out Ross and Rachel.]
walks past Ross, and approaches an older man with him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and PHOEBE: Ok, so this is pretty much what's happened
with his wife who is also wearing a blue jacket.] there would just be all this pressure, and I don't wanna... so far. Ross was in love with Rachel since, you know,
Flight Attendant: Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh... Monica: (gets up) No, no, no, no, no, no pressure, no forever, but every time he tried to tell her, something
I have a message for you. pressure! kind of got in the way, like cats, and Italian guys.
Man: (confused) What? Rachel: Monica, nothing has even happened yet, and Finally Chandler was like "forget about her" but when
Flight Attendant: It's from Rachel. She said that you're already so... Ross was in China on his dig, Chandler let it slip that
she loved the present, and she will see you when Monica: I am not 'so'! OK, I was a teensy bit weird at first, Ross was in love with Rachel. She was like, "Oh my
you get back. but... I'll be good. I promise. god." So she went to the airport to meet him when he
Man: (to wife): Toby... Oh, for God's sake, I don't (Door buzzer goes off. Rachel answers it.) came back, but what she didn't know was, that Ross
know what she's talking about! There's no Rachel! Rachel: Who is it? was getting off the plane with another woman. Uh-Oh!
Don't give me that deep freeze. Intercom: It's me, Carl. So, that's pretty much everything you need to know.
[Scene: Joey's Bedroom, he and Melanie are in Rachel: C'mon up. But, enough about us. So, how've you been?
bed together.] Monica: Behind my brother's back? (Rachel glares at OPENING CREDITS
Melanie: Mmmmmm... Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey... I her) ... is exactly the kind of crazy thing you won't be [Scene, The Airport, continued from last season,
think I blacked out there for a minute! hearing from me. Rachel is waiting for Ross to come of the plane, when
Joey: Heh, heh. It was nothin'. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is seated, and the she sees he's coming off with another woman.]
Melanie: Well, now we've gotta find something apartment is filled with baskets of fruit. Joey enters, check RACHEL: Oh my god. Oh my god. (She decides to
fun for you! (she starts kissing his chest) in hand.] make a break for it.) Excuse me. Move! Move!
Joey: (panicked) Uhhh.. y'know what? Forget Joey: Seven hundred bucks! Emergency! Excuse me! (She tries climbing over a
about me. Let's, uh... let's give you another turn. Chandler: Alright, you did it! Do we have any fruit? bench and falls down.)
Melanie: (surprised) M-Me again? Joey: Man, hell of a two weeks, huh? Y'know what, though? ROSS: Rache!
Joey: Sure! Why not? I really feel like I learned something. RACHEL: Oh, there you are! Hi! Oh, so, so, how was
Melanie: Boy, somebody's gonna get a big fruit Chandler: Really? So, you're gonna stick with this 'it's all China, you? (Hits him with the flowers.)
basket tomorrow. for her' thing? ROSS: It was, it was great. Oh, what happened?
(Joey starts to kiss her.) Joey: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his RACHEL: What?
Melanie: Oooh, I gotta tell you... you are nothing sight back, does he walk around like this? (Joey closes his ROSS: You're bleeding.
like I thought you would be. eyes and walks around with arms spread.) RACHEL: I am? Oh, look at that, yes I am. Enough
Joey: How do you mean? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is having about me, enough about me, Mr. Back from the Orient.
Melanie: I don't know, I-I guess I just had you drinks with her date, Carl.] I wanna hear everything! (Looks at Julie)
pegged as one of those guys who're always 'me, Carl: I'm just sayin', if I see one more picture of Ed Begley, ROSS: Well, where do I start? This is Julie. Julie, this is
me, me.' But you... you're a giver. You're like the Jr. in that stupid electric car, I'm gonna shoot myself! I Rachel.
most generous man I ever met. I mean... you're mean, don't get me wrong... I'm not against environmental RACHEL: These are, these aren't for you. (to Julie)
practically a woman. issues per se.... it's just that guy! These are for you. (Loudly, thinking she can't speak
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, and (Rachel looks bored. At this point, Ross—a figment of English.) Welcome to our country.
Rachel are there. Monica is holding the wrapping Rachel's imagination— shows up on the balcony and starts JULIE: (Loudly, proving she can speak English.)
paper from one of Rachel's gifts.] talking to her.) Thank you. I'm from New York.
Monica: Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh... do you wanna Ross: I can't believe you'd rather go out with him than me. RACHEL: Ok, well, not a problem. We'll just use them
save this wrapping paper, I mean, it's only a little Rachel: Would you excuse me, please? I'm trying to have to stop the bleeding. Ok. Baggage claim? Ok.
bit torn... so are you gonna go for it with Ross or a date here. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is waiting for
should I just throw it out? Ross: Fine, just stop thinking about me. Rachel to return from the airport with Ross.]
Rachel: I don't know. I don't know... I thought (She tries, and Ross disappears momentarily. He reappears, CHANDLER: No way!
about it all the way there, and I thought about it all standing closer to her.) MONICA: I'm telling you, she went to the airport, and
the way back... and, uh, oh, you guys, y'know, it's Ross: Can't do it, can you? she's gonna go for it with Ross!
Ross. Y'know what I mean? I mean, it's Ross. Rachel: So I'm thinking about you. So what? PHOEBE: Oh my god. This is huge. This is bigger than
Monica and Phoebe: Sure. Ross: I don't get it. What do you see in this guy, anyway? huge. This is like, all right, what's bigger than huge?
Rachel: I don't know, I mean, this is just my initial Rachel: Well... he happens to be a very nice... guy.... JOEY: Um, this?
gut feeling... but I'm thinking... oh, I'm thinking Carl: I mean, come on, buddy, get a real car! PHOEBE: Yes.
it'd be really great. Ross: Rachel, come on. Give us a chance. MONICA: Guys, you got your hair cut.
Monica: Oh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we'd be like Rachel: Ross, it's too hard. CHANDLER: Yes, yes, we did, thanks to Vidal Buffay.
friends-in-law! Y'know what the best part is? The Ross: No, no, no... why, because it might get weird for PHOEBE: 'Cause, you know, (in that voice) if you
best part is that you already know everything everyone else? Who cares about them. This is about us. don't look good, we don't look good. I love that voice.
about him! I mean, it's like starting on the fifteenth Look, I-I've been in love with you since, like, the ninth RACHEL: (entering, out of breath) Airport, airport.
date! grade. Ross, not alone, Julie, arm around her. Cramp, cramp.
Phoebe: Yeah, but, y'know, it's... it would be like Rachel: Ross, you're like my best friend. CHANDLER: Ok, I think she's trying to tell us
starting on the fifteenth date. Ross: I know. something. Quick, get the verbs.
Monica: Another good point. Rachel: If we broke up, and I lost you... RACHEL: (to Chandler) You, you, you said he liked me.
Phoebe: No, I mean, I mean, when you're at the Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think we're (Ross and Julie enter) You, you slowpokes!
fifteenth date, y'know, you're already in a very gonna break up? ROSS: That's all right, Rache, we got the bags. Hi,
relationshippy place. Y'know, it's... you're Rachel: Well, have you been involved with someone hello. Julie, this is my sister Monica. This is
committed. where you haven't broken up? Chandler. Phoebe. Joey, what up?
Rachel: (confused) Huh? Ross: (pause) No. But... it only has to happen once. Look, JOEY: What up?!
Phoebe: Well, I mean, then what happens if it you and I both know we are perfect for each other, right? I ROSS: Everyone, this is Julie.
doesn't work out? mean... so, the only question is... are you attracted to me? RACHEL: (out of breath) Julie.
Monica: Why isn't it working out? Rachel: I don't know... I mean, I've never looked at you ALL: Ohh. (Happily) Hi!
Rachel: I don't know... sometimes it doesn't. that way before. JULIE: Hi, but I'm not here, you haven't met me. I'll
Monica: Is he not cute enough for you? Ross: Well, start looking. make a much better first impression tomorrow when I
Rachel: No! (They kiss. Ross walks away, and then fades out.) don't have 20 hours of cab and plane on me.
Monica: Does he not make enough money? Rachel: Wow. ROSS: And bus.
Rachel: No, I'm just.... Carl: Exactly! And you just know I'm gonna be the guy JULIE: Oh my god.
Phoebe: Maybe there's someone else. caught behind this hammerhead in traffic! ROSS: The screaming guy?
Rachel: Wha... Rachel: Right! You're right! JULIE: And the spitting?
Monica: Is there? Is there someone else? Carl: Heh... y'know? ROSS: You gotta hear this story.
Rachel: No! There is.. there is noone else! Rachel: You know what? JULIE: We're on this bus, that's easily 200 years old...
Monica: Then why the hell are you dumping my Carl: What? ROSS: At least.
brother?!? Rachel: I forgot... I am supposed to pick up a friend at the JULIE: ...and this guy--
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is eating airport. I am so sorry! I'm so... if you want to stay, and RACHEL: And the chicken poops in her lap. Oh, I'm so
breakfast, Joey quietly opens his bedroom door.] finish your drinks, please do.... (gives him her drink) I sorry. I just gave away the ending, didn't I? Oh! It's
Chandler: Hey, big... mean—I'm sorry. I-I-I gotta go. I'm sorry. just, I just heard this story in the cab, and it is all I can
Joey: Shhhh! (Rachel leaves.) think about.
Chandler: (quietly) ...spender. Carl: But... MONICA: This is amazing. I mean, how, how did this
Joey: She's still asleep. [Scene: Airport. Madonna's Take A Bow plays in the happen?
Chandler: So how'd it go? background as Rachel waits at the gate with flowers.] JULIE: Well, Ross and I were in grad school together.
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ROSS: But we haven't seen each other since then. that I can't have. really thought I hit rock bottom. But today, it's like
Well I land in China, guess who's in charge of the MONICA: Sweetie, I wanted you to have him too. there's rock bottom, then 50 feet of crap, then me.
dig. RACHEL: I know you did. I'm just gonna deal with it, I'm JOEY: You gotta tell Ross how you feel.
RACHEL: Julie! Julie, isn't that great? I mean, isn't just gonna deal with it. (Ross comes by, smoching with RACHEL: Come on. How can I just tell him? What
that just kick- you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck Julie on the phone.) I gotta get out of here. about Julie?
fantastic? CHANDLER: Ok, I don't care what you guys say, JOEY: What about her? They've only been going out
MONICA: It's an expression. something's bothering her. for two weeks. Ross has been in love with you for like
ROSS: Well, we just wanted to say a quick hi, and [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning.] 10 years.
then we're gonna go see the baby. JOEY: You know, I think I was sixteen. RACHEL: I don't know, I don't know.
JULIE: And then we've gotta get some sleep. MONICA: Please, just a little bit off the back. JOEY: Look, Rache, Rache, I've been with my share of
ROSS: Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our PHOEBE: I'm still on "no". women. In fact, I've been with like a lot of people's
time. RACHEL: (poking her head in from her bedroom) Uh, share of women. The point is, I've never felt about
CHANDLER: Well, listen, don't tell us what's morning. Do you guys think you could close your eyes for anyone the way Ross felt about you.
gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be just a sec? CHANDLER: (entering, angry) Yo, paisan! Can I talk
surprised. JOEY: No no no no no, (grabs his pants) I'm not fallin' for to you for a sec? Your tailor is a very bad man!
(Ross and Julie exit) that again. JOEY: Frankie? What're you talking about?
RACHEL: Bye. (She closes the door and everyone PHOEBE: What's goin' on? ROSS: (entering from teh bedroom) Hey, what's goin'
tries to sympathize with her.) RACHEL: Well, I sorta did a stupid thing last night. on?
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler enter.] CHANDLER: What stupid thing did you do? CHANDLER: Joey's tailor...took advantage of me.
ROSS: Hey, Rache, can I get some coffee? PAOLO: Bon giorno tutti! ROSS: What?
RACHEL: Yeah, sure. PHOEBE: Ewww! JOEY: No way. I've been going to the guy for 12
ROSS: Thank you. COMMERCIAL BREAK years.
CHANDLER: Hey, Rache, can I get-- [Scene: Monica and Rachel's continued from earlier.] CHANDLER: He said he was going to do my inseam,
RACHEL: Did you talk to him? RACHEL: Ok, Paulo, why don't you just go get dressed, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was
CHANDLER: Not yet. and then you be on your way, ok, bye-bye. definite--
RACHEL: Then, no. MONICA: Rachel, how did this happen? ROSS: what?
(He goes to sit down next to Ross.) RACHEL: I don't know, I just kinda ran into him last night. CHANDLER: Cupping.
CHANDLER: So what the hell happened to you in PHOEBE: Where? JOEY: That's how they do pants! First they go up one
China? I mean, when last we left you, you were RACHEL: At his apartment. Is this juice? side, they move it over, they go up the other side, they
totally in love with, you know. JOEY: Whoa, whoa. And the fact that you dumped him move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Ross,
ROSS: I know, I know I was, but there was because he hit on Phoebe? Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure
always this little voice inside that kept saying it's RACHEL: Oh God, I know I'm a pathetic loser. pants?
never gonna happen, move on. You know whose MONICA: Honey, you're not pathetic, you're sad. ROSS: Yes, yes it is. In prison! Whatsa matter with
voice that was? CHANDLER: People do stupid things when they're upset. you?
CHANDLER: God? MONICA: My god, if I had a nickel for every guy I wish I JOEY: What? That's not? Oh my god.
ROSS: It was you, pal. hadn't--but this is about your horrible mistake. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day. Monica
CHANDLER: Well, maybe it was God, doing me. ROSS: Hi. Sorry we're late but we were--well, there was is now out and about.]
ROSS: Look, you were right. She looks at me and touching. MONICA: Even Mary Tyler Moore would've been
sees a friend, that's all. But then I met Julie, and I PAOLO: Hey, hey Ross. better.
don't know, we're havin' a great time. And I have ROSS: Hey, Paulo. What are you doing here? ROSS: I like it. I do, I think it's a Ten.
to say, I never would've gone for it with her if it PAOLO: I do Raquel. MONICA: Thank you. My hair is very amused.
hadn't been for you. ROSS: (to Rachel) So, uh, he's back. CHANDLER: Come on, Monica, things could be worse.
CHANDLER: Well, you owe me one, big guy. RACHEL: Yeah, he's back. Is that a problem? You could get caught between the moon and New York
RACHEL: Here's your lemonade. ROSS: No, not a problem. City. I know it's crazy, but it's true.
ROSS: I didn't order lemonade. RACHEL: Good! I'm glad it's not a problem. PHOEBE: Thank you.
RACHEL: Oh. Well then, you better go take that PHOEBE: Ok, you're gonna have to not touch my ass. ROSS: Well, I gotta go. Bye. Bye, Rache.
back because they're gonna charge you for that. CHANDLER: Well, in spite of the yummy bagels and RACHEL: (sticking her head in from the balcony) Wait,
ROSS: But-- palpable tension, I've got pants that need to be altered. are you leaving?
RACHEL: Go go go go, come on! (to Chandler) So JOEY: Hey, Chandler, when you see Frankie, tell him Joey ROSS: Yeah, that's kinda what I meant by "bye!"
then, well, what did you find out? Tribbiani says hello. He'll know what it means. RACHEL: Well, can I talk to you for a sec?
CHANDLER: He said, he said that they're having CHANDLER: Are you sure he's gonna be able to crack that ROSS: Okay. (goes out onto the balcony)
a great time. I'm sorry. But, the silver lining, if you code? JOEY: Hey, when the doctor does that hernia test...
wanna see it, is that he made the decision all by MONICA: You know it's funny, the last time Paulo was CHANDLER: That's ok.
himself without any outside help whatsoever. here, my hair was so much shorter and cuter. [Out on the balcony]
RACHEL: How is that the silver lining? PHOEBE: All right. Ok, but, but you have to promise that ROSS: What's goin' on?
CHANDLER: You have to really wanna see it. you will not be all like control-y and bossy and Monica RACHEL: Well, first of all, Paulo and I are not back
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and the gang about it. together. It was just a stupid thing I did, and if I could
is watching TV.] MONICA: I promise. go back in time and do it again, well, I wouldn't. Um,
ROSS: Ironically, these are the guys who were PHOEBE: All right. Now some of you are gonna get cut, second of all, what? (Ross laughs)
picked last in gym. and some of you aren't. But I promise none of you are ROSS: Ok. Well, before I say anything, I just need to
[cut to Phoebe and Monica in the kitchen.] gonna feel a thing. know, is this one of those things where you break up
MONICA: Phoebes, you know what I'm thinking? [Scene: Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is finishing with her with a guy, and then I tell you what I think, and then
PHOEBE: Oh, ok. How, it's been so long since haircut.] the next day you get back together with the guy, and I
you've had sex, you're wondering if they've PHOEBE: All right, that's it, I quit. look like a complete idiot?
changed it? MONICA: What? I didn't say anything. RACHEL: No. No-no-no-no.
MONICA: No, although now that's what I'm PHOEBE: Yeah, but this isn't the face of a person who ROSS: Well, then, I think, I think the guy is scum. I
thinking. trusts a person. Ok, this is the face of a person who, you hate him. I physically hate him. I always have. You are
PHOEBE: All right, so what were you thinking? know, doesn't trust a person. way too good to be with a guy like that. You deserve to
MONICA: Well, I was thinking, that you gave the MONICA: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Phoebe. It's just a little be with someone who appreciates you, and who gets
guys such great haircuts, I thought, maybe you'd shorter than what we had discussed. how funny and sweet and amazing, and adorable, and
like to do mine? PHOEBE: Would you relax? I know what I am doing. This sexy you are, you know? Someone who wakes up
PHOEBE: Ohh! No. is how he wears it. every morning thinking "Oh my god, I'm with Rachel".
MONICA: Why not? MONICA: How who wears it? You know, someone who makes you feel good, the
PHOEBE: Because, I'm just, I'm incredibly anal PHOEBE: Demi Moore. way I am with Julie. Was there a second of all?
and an unbelievable control freak. MONICA: Demi Moore is not a he. RACHEL: No, I think that was the whole all.
MONICA: No you're not. PHOEBE: Well, he was a he in Arthur, and in Ten. [Cut back inside, Joey is on the phone.]
PHOEBE: I know I'm not, but you are, and I was MONICA: That's Dudley Moore. I said I wanted it like JOEY: I swear to god, Dad. That's not how they
trying to spare your feelings. Demi Moore. measure pants.
(The phone rings.) PHOEBE: Oh, oh, oh my god! CLOSING CREDITS
JOEY: (answering the phone) Hello? Oh, hi. Yeah, MONICA: Oh my god! [Scene: Central Perk, Julie is wanting to get her hair
hold on a second. Ross, it's Julie, for you. (Throws PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Which one's Demi Moore? cut from Phoebe.]
him the phone.) MONICA: She's the actress who was in Disclosure, JULIE: I was thinking of doing it a little shorter, you
ROSS: (on phone) Hello? Hi. Indecent Proposal, Ghost. know, like Andy McDowell's new haircut?
CHANDLER: (entering) Hi. Anybody know a good PHOEBE: Oh, she's got gorgeous hair. PHOEBE: You wanna do it right now?
tailor? MONICA: I KNOW! JULIE: Great! (Julie leaves)
JOEY: Needs some clothes altered? [Scene: Frank's tailor shop, Chandler is getting his pants PHOEBE: (to Rachel) Ok, I just wanna be really sure
CHANDLER: No, no, I'm just looking for a man to altered.] this time. Andy McDowell's the girl from Four Weddings
draw on me with chalk. FRANKIE: How long do you want the cuffs? and a Funeral, right?
JOEY: Why don't you go see Frankie? My family's CHANDLER: At least as long as I have the pants. RACHEL: No. No no no no no. That's Rodney
been goin' to him forever. He did my first suit FRANKIE: I just got that. Ok, now we'll do your inseam. McDowell. Andy McDowell is the guy from Planet of the
when I was 15. No wait, 16. No, 'scuse me, 15. (He slowly measures it up his leg, and Chandler makes a Apes.
(still confused) All right, when was 1990? rather surprised face.) PHOEBE: Oh, yeah. Ok, thank you.
CHANDLER: You have to stop the Q-tip when [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is recovering from RACHEL: You're welcome.
there's resistance! her haircut, Phoebe is playing her doctor and is coming in END
ROSS: (on phone) Ok, ok, sweetheart, I'll see you from the bedroom.]
later. Ok, bye. What? Oh, that is so sweet. No, no, RACHEL: How is she? 202 The One With the Breast Milk
ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three. (motions PHOEBE: It's too soon to tell. She's resting, which is a [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are
for Rachel to be quiet) Well you didn't hang up good sign. showing off Ben to the gang.]
either. ROSS: How's the hair? MONICA: (entering from her bedroom carrying a
RACHEL: She didn't hang up either! PHOEBE: I'm not gonna lie to you, Ross, it doesn't look present) Ok, these were unbelievably expensive, and I
ROSS: Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y-- good. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have know he's gonna grow out of them in like, 20 minutes,
RACHEL: (taking the phone and hanging it up) stopped the curling. but I couldn't resist. (There a little pair of Nike shoes.)
Sorry, I thought you were talking to me. JOEY: Can we see her? PHOEBE: Oh, look at these! Hey, Ben. Just do it. (Ben
ROSS: Rachel! I'll just call her back. PHOEBE: Your hair looks too good, I think it would upset starts to cry) Oh my god, oh, ok, was that too much
RACHEL: Okay! her. Ross, you come on in. (They go into the bedroom pressure for him?
ROSS: (calls Julie back) Hi? Sorry, we got leaving Joey and Rachel alone.) SUSAN: Oh, is he hungry already?
disconnected... JOEY: How're you doing? CAROL: I guess so. (Carol starts to breast feed Ben.)
RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok. How did this happen to me? RACHEL: I'm ok. CHANDLER: You know, it's... (sees the feeding taking
How did this happen to me? A week ago, two JOEY: Ooh, that bad, huh? Look, I can sense when women place next to him) something funny about sneakers. I'll
weeks ago, I was fine. Ross was just Ross, just this are depressed and vulnerable. It's one of my gifts. be right back. (Goes into the kitchen)
guy. Now he's Rrrooossss, oh, this really great guy RACHEL: When I saw him get off that plane with her, I JOEY: (joins him) I gotta get one, too.
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ROSS: (following them into the kitchen) What are JOEY: Bijan for men? Hey, Annabelle, Uh, listen, I was ROSS: Gimme the bottle. Gimme the towel.
you guys doing? wondering if maybe after work you and I could go maybe CHANDLER: Howdy.
CHANDLER: We're just hanging out by the grab a cup of coffee. JOEY: Gimme a box a juice. Well, they switched me
spoons. Ladle? ANNABELLE: Oh, actually I sorta have plans. over to Hombre.
ROSS: Look, would you guys grow up? That is the TODD: Ready, Annabelle? CHANDLER: Well, maybe it's because of the way
most natural beautiful thing in the world. ANNABELLE: You bet. Maybe some other time? you're dressed.
JOEY: Yeah, we know, but there's a baby suckin' JOEY: Hey, it's not the first time I lost a girl to a cowboy JOEY: Or maybe it's because this guy's doing so good
on it. spraying cologne. Bijan for men? they wanna put more people on it. You should see this
ROSS: This is my son having lunch, ok? It's gonna [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol is dropping Ben off for guy, Chandler, he goes through two bottles a day.
happen a lot, so you'd better get used to it. Now if Ross to watch.] CHANDLER: What do you care? You're an actor. This
you have any problem with it, if you're CAROL: Ok, and this is Funny Clown. Funny Clown is only is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything
uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine with for after his naps, not before his naps or he won't sleep. to you.
it, now come on. ROSS: Carol, we've been through this before, ok? We have JOEY: I know, but, I was the best, you know? I liked
(They go back into the living room) a good time. We laugh, we play. It's like we're father and being the best. I don't know. Maybe I should just get
CHANDLER: Carol, Carol? I was just wondering if son. outta the game. They need guys up in housewares to
Joey could ask you a question about SUSAN: Honey, relax. Ross is great with him. Don't look so serve cheese.
breast-feeding? surprised. I'm a lovely person. CHANDLER: All right, say you do that. You know
CAROL: Sure. RACHEL: Oh, this is so cute. sooner or later somebody's gonna come along that
JOEY: Uh, does it hurt? SUSAN: Oh, I got that for him. slices a better cheddar. And then where're you gonna
CAROL: It did at first, but not anymore. ROSS: My mommies love me. That's clever. run?
JOEY: Chandler? MONICA: Hello? Oh, Hi, Ju-- Hi, Jew! Uh huh? Uh huh? Ok. JOEY: Yeah I guess you're right.
CHANDLER: So, uh, how often can you do it? Um, sure, that'd be great. See ya then. Bye. CHANDLER: You're damn right I'm right. I say you
CAROL: As much as he needs. RACHEL: Did you just say Hi, Jew? show this guy what you're made of. I say you stand
JOEY: Ok, I got one, I got one. If he blows into MONICA: Yes. Uh, yes, I did. That was my friend, Eddie your ground. I say you show him that you are the
one, does the other one get bigger? Moskowitz. Yeah, he likes it. Reaffirms his faith. baddest hombre west of the lingerie.
OPENING TITLES PHOEBE: Ben, dinner! JOEY: I'm gonna do it.
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is all there.] ROSS: Thanks Aunt Pheebs. Hey, you didn't microwave CHANDLER: All right. Now go see Miss Kitty and she'll
JULIE: Rachel, do you have any muffins left? that, did you, because it's breast milk, and you're not fix you up with a nice hooker.
RACHEL: Yeah, I forget which ones. supposed to do that. MONICA: I don't know what else to say.
JULIE: Oh, you're busy, that's ok, I'll get it. PHOEBE: Duh, I think I know how to heat breast milk. Ok. RACHEL: Well that works out good, because I'm not
Anybody else want one? CHANDLER: What did you just do? listening.
ALL: No thanks. PHOEBE: I licked my arm, what? MONICA: I feel terrible, I really do.
JULIE: Oh, you're losin' your apron here, let me ROSS: It's breast milk. RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?
get it. There you go. (Ties it back up for her) PHOEBE: So? MONICA: Rachel, say that I'm friends with her, we
RACHEL: (to Julie) Thank you. (under her breath RACHEL: Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a person. spend some time together. Is that so terrible?
to Chandler) What a bitch. JOEY: What is the big deal? RACHEL: Yes.
JULIE: Oh, listen you guys. I have this friend at CHANDLER: What did you just do? MONICA: It's that terrible?
Bloomingdales who's quitting tomorrow and he ROSS: Ok, would people stop drinking the breast milk? RACHEL: Yes. Monica, you don't get it. It's bad
wants to abuse his discount. So, anyone want to PHOEBE: You won't even taste it? enough that she's stolen the guy who might actually be
come with me and take advantage of it? ROSS: No! the person that I am supposed to be with, but now,
PHOEBE: I can't, I have to take my grandmother PHOEBE: Not even if you just pretend that it's milk? she's actually, but now she's actually stealing you.
to the vet. ROSS: Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing MONICA: Me? What are you talking about? Nobody
MONICA: Ok, um, I'll go with you. child on it. could steal me from you. I mean, just because I'm
JULIE: Great. MONICA: Hey, where is everybody? friends with her doesn't make me any less friends with
ROSS: (enters) Hi, honey. RACHEL: They took Ben to the park. Where've you been? you. I mean, you're my...We're, we're...Oh, I love you.
CHANDLER: Hey, sweetums. MONICA: Just out. Had some lunch, just me, little quality RACHEL: I love you too.
ROSS: Hello to the rest. time with me. Thanks for your jacket. PHOEBE: You guys, um I know that this really doesn't
ALL: Hi! RACHEL: Oh, no problem. You can borrow it, by the way. have anything to do with me, but um I love you guys
JOEY: Monica what're you doin'? You can't go Here are your keys, hon. Mon, if uh you were at lunch too. Oh, I really needed that.
shopping with her? What about Rachel? alone, how come it cost you uh 53 dollars? MONICA: Look, I know that you're in a place right
MONICA: It's gonna be a problem, isn't it? MONICA: You know what probably happened? Someone now where you really need to hate Julie's guts, but she
CHANDLER: Come on, you're going to musta stolen my credit card. didn't do anything wrong. I mean, she was just a girl
Bloomingdales with Julie? That's like cheating on RACHEL: And sorta just put the receipt back in your who met a guy, and now they go out. I really think that
Rachel in her house of worship. pocket if you gave her a chance, you'd like her. Would you just
MONICA: But I'm-- MONICA: That is an excellent excellent question. That is give that a chance, for me?
PHOEBE: Monica, she will kill you. She will kill you excellent. RACHEL: I'd do anything for you, you know that.
like a dog in the street. RACHEL: Monica, what is with you? Who'd you have lunch MONICA: I'd do anything for you.
ROSS: So, uh, Jules tells me you guys are going with? PHOEBE: Wait, wait, wait, wait!
shopping tomorrow? MONICA: Judy. JOEY: Mornin'. I said, mornin'.
MONICA: Yeah, uh, it's actually not that big a RACHEL: Who? TODD: I heard ya.
deal. MONICA: Julie. STORE GUY: All right, everybody, I'm openin' the
ROSS: It's a big deal to me. This is great, Monica. RACHEL: What? doors. You boys ready?
I really appreciate this. MONICA: Jody. TODD: Ready.
MONICA: You're welcome. RACHEL: You were with Julie? JOEY: Yeah, I'm ready.
PHOEBE: Woof, woof. MONICA: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice CUSTOMER: You idiot, you stupid cowboy, you
[Scene: A Department Store, Joey is selling men's to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, blinded me, I'm suing!
cologne.] one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we STORE GUY: Oh my god, Todd! What the hell did you
JOEY: Bijan for men? Bijan for men? Bijan for men? were...shopping. do?
Hey Annabelle. RACHEL: Oh. Oh my god. TODD: I'm sorry. I am such a doofus. I'm so sorry, I'm
ANNABELLE: Hey, Joey. So did you hear about MONICA: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean so sorry.
the new guy? anything to me. ANNABELLE: My god, what happened?
JOEY: Who? RACHEL: Yeah, right. JOEY: These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later,
ANNABELLE: Nobody knows his name. Me and MONICA: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole they all...stop lastin'. Listen, uh, what do you say I buy
the girls just call him the Hombre man. time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find you that cup of coffee now?
JOEY: What's he doin' in my section? out. ANNABELLE: Sure.
ANNABELLE: I guess he doesn't know. RACHEL: Oh, please, you wanted to get caught. JULIE: So.
JOEY: Well, he's gonna. I'll see you a little later, MONICA: That is not true! RACHEL: So. I just thought the two of us should hang
ok? Hey, how ya doin'? RACHEL: Oh, so you just sort of happened to leave it in out for a bit. I mean, you know, we've never really
TODD: Mornin'. here? talked. I guess you'd know that, being one of the two
JOEY: Listen, I know you're new, but it's kinda MONICA: Did it ever occur to you that I might just be that of us, though, right?
understood that everything from Young Men's to stupid? JULIE: I know, I probably shouldn't even tell you this,
the escalator is my territory. RACHEL: Ok, Monica. I just have to know one thing. Did but I'm pretty much totally intimidated by you.
TODD: Your territory, huh? you go with her to Bloomingdales? Oh! Ok, ok, ok, I just RACHEL: Really? Me?
JOEY: Yeah. Bijan for men? really, uh, I just really need to not be with you right now. JULIE: Yes. Oh my god, are you kidding? Ross is so
GUY: No thanks. MONICA: Hi, who's this? Hi, Joanne. Is Rachel working? crazy about you, and I really wanted you to like me,
TODD: Hombre? It's Monica. Yes, I know I did a horrible thing. Joanna, it's and, it's probably me being totally paranoid, but I
GUY: Yeah. All right. not as simple as all that, ok? No, I don't care what Steve kinda got the feeling that maybe you don't.
TODD: You were saying? thinks. Hi, Steve. RACHEL: Well, you're not totally paranoid.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Monica CAROL: How did we do? JULIE: Oy.
enters.] PHOEBE: Oh, I tasted Ben's milk, and Ross freaked out. RACHEL: Um, ok, uh, oh god, um, when you and uh
MONICA: Phoebe, listen. You were with me, and ROSS: I did not freak out. Ross first started going out, it was really hard for me,
we were shopping all day. CAROL: Why'd you freak out? um, for many reasons, which I'm not gonna bore you
PHOEBE: What? ROSS: Because it's breast milk. It's gross. with now, but um, I just, I see how happy he is, you
MONICA: We were shopping, and we had lunch. CAROL: My breast milk is gross? know, and how good you guys are together, and um,
PHOEBE: Oh, all right. What did I have? SUSAN: This should be fun. Monica's always saying how nice you are, and god I
MONICA: You had a salad. ROSS: No, no, Carol. There's nothing wrong with it. I just hate it when she's right.
PHOEBE: Oh, no wonder I don't feel full. don't think breast milk is for adults. JULIE: Thanks. Hey, listen, would you like to go to a
RACHEL: (entering) Hey, guys, what's up. CHANDLER: Of course the packaging does appeal to movie sometime or something?
PHOEBE: I went shopping with Monica all day, grown-ups and kids alike. RACHEL: Yeah, that'd be great. I'd love it.
and I had a salad. CAROL: Ross, you're being silly. I've tried it, it's no big JULIE: I'd love it too. Shoot, I gotta go. So, I'll talk to
RACHEL: Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy? deal. Just taste it. you later.
PHOEBE: Um, we went shopping for um, for, fur. ROSS: That would be no. RACHEL: All right, Julie. What a manipulative bitch.
RACHEL: You went shopping for fur? PHOEBE: Come on. It doesn't taste bad. END
PHOEBE: Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, JOEY: Yeah, it's kinda sweet, sorta like, uh--
and uh, so then we bought some, (sees Monica SUSAN: Cantaloupe juice. 203 The One Where Mr. Heckles Dies
pointing at her chest) uh, boobs. JOEY: Exactly. CHANDLER: Hey.
RACHEL: You bought boobs? ROSS: You've tasted it? You've tasted it. MONICA: So how was Joan?
PHOEBE: (Monica is yanking on her bra strap) SUSAN: Uh huh. CHANDLER: I broke up with her.
Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras. ROSS: Oh, you've tasted it. CHANDLER: They were huge. When she sneezed,
[Scene: The Department Store, Joey is trying to SUSAN: You can keep saying it, but it won't stop being bats flew out of them.
sell some cologne.] true. RACHEL: Come on, they were not that huge.
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CHANDLER: I'm tellin' you, she leaned back, I PHOEBE: Just don't. Look at this funky shirt! JOEY: Geez, look how fat she got.
could see her brain. ROSS: Pheebs, I have studied evolution my entire adult JANICE: Hey, it's everybody.
MONICA: How many perfectly fine women are life. Ok, I can tell you, we have collected fossils from all CHANDLER: Janice, you're--
you gonna reject over the most superficial over the world that actually show the evolution of different JANICE: Yes, I am.
insignificant things? species, ok? You can literally see them evolving through CHANDLER: Is it--?
JOEY: Hold it hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on time. JANICE: Is it yours? Ha! You wish, Chandler Bing. You
this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out PHOEBE: Really? You can actually see it? are looking at a married lady now.
a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great ROSS: You bet. In the U.S., China, Africa, all over. CHANDLER: Congratulations.
kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It PHOEBE: See, I didn't know that. JANICE: Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
made me nuts. ROSS: Well, there you go. CHANDLER: You couldn't have told me about this on
CHANDLER: You or me? PHOEBE: Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those the phone?
ROSS: I got it. Uh, Joey, women don't have fossils there, and why? JANICE: And what? Missed the expression on your
Adam's apples. CHANDLER: Hey, look at this. "My Big Book of face? Janice likes to have her fun.
JOEY: You guys are messin' with me, right? Grievances." MONICA: Hey, Rache. You know what we haven't
ALL: Yeah. JOEY: Hey, there's me! April 17th. Excessive noise. Italian played in a while?
JOEY: That was a good one. For a second there, I guy comes homes with a date. Hey Chandler, look, you're RACHEL: What?
was like, "whoa." in here too. MONICA: Hide the Lamp.
PHOEBE: You name one woman that you broke CHANDLER: April 18th, excessive noise. Italian guy's gay RACHEL: Monica, let it go.
up with for a real reason. roommate comes home with the dry-cleaning. Well that's MONICA: Did you know I was allergic to shellfish?
CHANDLER: Maureen Rosilla. excellent. RACHEL: Well, then, you'll just have to eat the other
ROSS: Not hating Yanni is not a real reason. RACHEL: Monica, Monica, look at this lamp. Is this tacky lamps.
(knock) or what? We have to have this. PHOEBE: Uh-oh. It's Scary Scientist Man.
MONICA: Hello, Mr. Heckles. MONICA: Rache, I think we have enough regular lamps. ROSS: Ok, Phoebe, this is it. In this briefcase I carry
MR. HECKLES: You're doing it again. RACHEL: What? Come on, it's not like I'm asking for this actual scientific facts. A briefcase of facts, if you will.
MONICA: We're not doing anything. girly clock or anything, which, by the way, I also think is Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old.
MR. HECKLES: You're stomping. It's disturbing very cool. PHOEBE: Ok, look, before you even start, I'm not
my birds. MONICA: It doesn't go with any of my stuff. denying evolution, ok, I'm just saying that it's one of
RACHEL: You don't have birds. RACHEL: Well, what about my stuff? the possibilities.
MR. HECKLES: I could have birds. MONICA: You don't have any stuff. ROSS: It's the only possibility, Phoebe.
MONICA: Ok, Mr. Heckles, we'll try to keep it RACHEL: You still think of it as your apartment, don't you? PHOEBE: Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like
down. MONICA: No. this much, ok? Wasn't there a time when the brightest
MR. HECKLES: Thank you. I'm going to rejoin my RACHEL: Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, minds in the world believed that the world was flat?
dinner party. and I'm just somebody who rents a room. And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought
RACHEL: All right, bye-bye. MONICA: Mmmmm. the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open,
CHANDLER: Ok, Janice. Janice. You gotta give RACHEL: Ok, while you "mmm" on it for awhile, I'm gonna and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are
me Janice. That wasn't about being picky. go find a place for my new lamp. you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant
ROSS: We'll give you Janice. ROSS: Ok, Pheebs. See how I'm making these little toys that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility
PHOEBE: I miss Janice though. "Hello, Chandler move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you that you could be wrong about this?
Bing." explain opposable thumbs? ROSS: There might be, a teeny, tiny, possibility.
RACHEL: "Oh, my, god." PHOEBE: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their PHOEBE: I can't believe you caved.
JOEY: "Oh, Chandler, now, now, that's it. There, spacecrafts. ROSS: What?
faster!" ROSS: Please tell me you're joking. PHOEBE: You just abandoned your whole belief
MONICA: Stop with the broom, we're not making PHOEBE: Look, can't we just say that you believe in system. I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at
noise. something, and I don't. least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to
RACHEL: We won. We won! ROSS: No, no, Pheebs, we can't, ok, because-- go into work tomorrow? How, how are you going to
MONICA: Mr. Heckles. PHOEBE: What is this obsessive need you have to make face the other science guys? How, how are you going
RACHEL: How did this happen? everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? I think, to face yourself? Oh! That was fun. So who's hungry?
MR. TREEGER: He musta been sweepin'. They I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope. RACHEL: I am. Let me just get my coat.
found a broom in his hand. ROSS: Is there blood coming out of my ears? MONICA: Ok, all right. It was an accident, I swear, all
MONICA: That's terrible. JOEY: Check it out, check it out. Heckles' high school right. I was putting on my jacket, and the thing, and
MR. TREEGER: I know. I was sweepin' yesterday. yearbook. the lamp, and it broke.
It coulda been me.ROSS: Sure, sweepin'. You CHANDLER: Wow, he looks so normal. RACHEL: Oh, please, Monica. You've always hated my
never know. PHOEBE: He's even kind of cute. lamp, and then, all of a sudden, it's just magically
MR. TREEGER: You never know. JOEY: "Heckles, you crack me up in science class. You're broken?
PHOEBE: Ok, it's very faint, but I can still sense the funniest kid in school. MONICA: Phoebe, tell her!
him in the building. Go into the light, Mr. Heckles! CHANDLER: Funniest? Heckles? PHOEBE: Ok, I didn't see it, because I was putting on
CHANDLER: Ok, Phoebe. JOEY: That's what it says. my jacket, but I uh want to believe you.
PHOEBE: I'm sorry, but sometimes they need CHANDLER: Wow, Heckles was voted class clown, and so RACHEL: Hey Chandler. Monica just broke my
help. That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know, was I. He was right. Would you listen to that? seashell lamp.
there're a lot of things that I don't believe in, but PHOEBE: I'd call that excessive. CHANDLER: Neat. I'm gonna die alone.
that doesn't mean they're not true. CHANDLER: Whoa! RACHEL: Ok, you win.
JOEY: Such as? JOEY: What? MONICA: Chandler, you're not gonna die alone.
PHOEBE: Like crop circles, or the Bermuda CHANDLER: Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played CHANDLER: Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I
triangle, or evolution? clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was, have to get a snake.
ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don't, uh, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool. PHOEBE: Uh huh. Why is that?
you don't believe in evolution? JOEY: So, you were both dorks. Big deal. CHANDLER: If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm
PHOEBE: Nah. Not really. CHANDLER: I just think it's weird, you know? Heckles and gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on
ROSS: You don't believe in evolution? me, Heckles, and me, me and Heckles...Would you knock it the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be
PHOEBE: I don't know, it's just, you off? Crazy Man with a Snake, y=know. Crazy Snake Man.
know...monkeys, Darwin, you know, it's a, it's a JOEY: Have you been here all night? And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will
nice story, I just think it's a little too easy. CHANDLER: Look at this. Pictures of all the women that walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from
ROSS: Too easy? Too...The process of every Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. Vivian, Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout!
living thing on this planet evolving over millions of too tall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes MONICA: You have got to get over this. You're not
years from single-celled organisms, too easy? noise when she eats. This is, this is me. This is what I do. gonna end up alone.
PHOEBE: Yeah, I just don't buy it. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did. CHANDLER: Of course I am. I reject anyone who's
ROSS: Uh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you to JOEY: Chandler, Heckles was a nut case. crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I
buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, CHANDLER: Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, bitch about the fact that there aren't any great women
like the air we breathe, like gravity. sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are out there.
PHOEBE: Ok, don't get me started on gravity. all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction. RACHEL: Chandler, you have just described virtually
ROSS: You uh, you don't believe in gravity? JOEY: All right, you know what we gotta do? We gotta get every man that we have ever gone out with.
PHOEBE: Well, it's not so much that you know, you outta here. Come on, I'll buy you breakfast, let's go. MONICA: You are not a freak. You're a guy.
like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I don't CHANDLER: What if I never find someone? Or worse, RACHEL: She's right. She's right. You are no different
know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much what if I've found her, but I dumped her because she than the rest of them.
being pulled down as I am being pushed. pronounced it "supposably"? MONICA: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes he is. You
(knock) JOEY: Chandler, come on, you're gonna find somebody. are totally different.
CHANDLER: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's CHANDLER: How do you know that? How? CHANDLER: In a bad way?
pissed. JOEY: I don't know, I'm just tryin' to help you out. MONICA: No, honey, in a wonderful way. You know
MR. TREEGER: There she is. And over there, CHANDLER: You'll see, you guys are all gonna go off and what you want now. Most guys don't even have a clue.
that's the other one. This is Mr. Buddy Boyle, Mr. get married, and I'm gonna end up alone. Will you promise You are ready to take risks, you are ready to be
Heckles' attorney. He'd like to talk to you. me something? When you're married, will you invite me vulnerable, and intimate with someone.
MONICA: What can we do for you? over for holidays? RACHEL: Yeah. You're not gonna end up alone.
MR. BOYLE: All right, kids. Here's the deal. JOEY: Well, I don't know. I don't know what we're gonna PHOEBE: Chandler, you called Janice! That's how
According to my client's will, he wants to leave all be doin'. I mean, what if we're at her folks' place? much you wanted to be with someone!
his earthly possessions to "the noisy girls in the CHANDLER: Yeah, I understand. MONICA: You made it!
apartment above mine". JOEY: You can come over and watch the Super Bowl. PHOEBE: You're there!
MONICA: Well, what about his family? Every year, all right? RACHEL: You are ready to make a commitment!
MR. BOYLE: He didn't have any. CHANDLER: You know what? I'm not gonna end up like CHANDLER: Whoa! Don't know about that.
RACHEL: Ok, so let's talk money. this. I'll see you man. RACHEL: What you got there? Something else that's
MR. BOYLE: All right, there was none. Let's talk JOEY: Supposably. Supposably. Did they go to the zoo? not yours that you can break?
signing. You be noisy girl number one, you be Supposably. MONICA: No. Um, I know you like this, and I want
noisy girl number two. CHANDLER: (on phone) Hi, it's me. you to have it. I think it'll look good in our apartment.
MONICA: I can't believe that this whole time we JANICE: Oh, my, god. RACHEL: Thank you.
thought he hated us. I mean, isn't it amazing how PHOEBE: Janice? You called Janice? MONICA: That's fine.
much you can touch someone's life, without even CHANDLER: Yes, Janice. Why is that so difficult for you to CHANDLER: Hey. Well, you will all be pleased to
knowing it?...Would you look at this dump? He comprehend? know that I have a date tomorrow night. This woman,
hated us. This is his final revenge! ROSS: You remember Janice, right? Alison, from work. She's great. She's pretty, she's
RACHEL: Have you ever seen so much crap? CHANDLER: Yes. She was smart, she was pretty, and she smart. And uh, I've been holding off on asking her out
CHANDLER: Actually, I think this apartment honestly cared about me. Janice is my last chance to have in the past, because she has an unusually large head.
sullies the good name of crap somebody. But, I'm not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore.
JOEY: Check this out. Can I have this? JANICE: Helloo!! Look at me. I'm growing.
ROSS: How can you not believe in evolution? CHANDLER: Oh, my, god! JOEY: Hey, uh, you can't recycle yearbooks, can you?
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CHANDLER: I'll take that. reason I'm dressed like this is because I think it's nice
JOEY: You want his yearbook? MONICA: What have I not told you? to look nice for your gay husband.
CHANDLER: Yeah, yeah. Some people said some
nice things about him. I think somebody should PHOEBE: Oh, I don't know. Umm, how about the fact that ROSS: [holding cream pitcher] Oh, darnit, we're all
have it. the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours out of milk. [holds pitcher in front of Chandler's chest
MONICA: Oh, gosh, this is so weird. I mean, his from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the and flips the lid] Hey Chandler, would you fill me up
whole life was in this apartment, and now it's gone. terrace. here?
You know, I think it would be nice if we just took a
few moments, for Mr. Heckles. I mean, he was RACHEL: What! CHANDLER: Oh I see, I see, because of the third
kind of a pain, he was, but, he was a person. nipple thing. Ha ha ha ha. . .
You're all going to hell. MONICA: Wait a minute, who told you? [turns to Chandler
RACHEL: It's really not that big! who's looking sheepish] You are dead meat. [Scene: Central Perk close to closing. Ross and Julie
CHANDLER: Takin' that with you, huh? are still there. Rachel is cleaning tables.]
JOEY: Oh, yeah. CHANDLER: I didn't know it was a big secret.
ROSS: You comin'? ROSS: OK sweetie, I'll see you later.
CHANDLER: Yeah, jus' second. Good-bye Mr. MONICA: Oh it's not big, not at all, you know, kinda the
Heckles. We'll try to keep it down. same lines as, say, oh I don't know, having a third nipple. JULIE: See you later Rach.
ALISON: Oh, my major was totally useless. I
mean, how often do you look in the classifieds and PHOEBE: You have a third nipple? RACHEL: Bye-bye Julie. [Julie leaves]
see "Philosopher wanted"?
CHANDLER: Sure. (My god, that's a big head! It CHANDLER: You bitch. [Rachel is still cleaning, Ross is laying on the couch.
didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the Ross kicks Rachel in the butt.]
lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. ROSS: Whip it out, whip it out.
All right, don't get hung up on it, quick, quick, list RACHEL: Hey.
five things you like about her: Nice smile, good CHANDLER: C'mon, there's nothin' to see, it's just a tiny
dresser...Big head, big head, big head!) bump, it's totally useless. ROSS: Hey.
END
RACHEL: Oh as, as opposed to your other multi-functional [Ross kicks her again]
204 The One With Phoebe's Husband nipples?
RACHEL: Hey, c'mon, cut it out.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is JOEY: I can't believe you. You told me it was a nubbin.
on the phone.] ROSS: Hey?
ROSS: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?
RACHEL: Mom, would you relax. That was 10 RACHEL: What?
blocks from here and, the, the woman was walking JOEY: I don't know, you see somethin', you hear a word, I
alone at night, I would never do that. Mom, c'mon, thought that's what it was. Let me see it again. ROSS: Can I ask you somethin'?
stop worrying. This is a safe street, this is a safe
building, there's nothing [a pigeon flies in the ALL: Yeah, show it. Show it. The nubbin, the nubbin, the RACHEL: Sure.
window and lands on the table] OH MY GOOOD, nubbin.
oh my God, oh I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go. ROSS: Naa.
[hangs up] OK, that's fine, you just read the paper, CHANDLER: Joey was in a porno movie.
I'm gonna get a pot, it's not for you. [grabs a pot RACHEL: What? C'mon, talk to me.
and lid] OK, that's fine, read the Family Circus, ALL: Huuh.
enjoy the gentle comedy. [puts pot over the ROSS: OK, what's the longest you've been in the
pigeon] Aaahh, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, CHANDLER: If I'm goin' down, I'm takin' everybody with relationship before ha, have, having the sex?
oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh me.
my God, aaaaahh. [knock at the door] It's open RACHEL: Why? Who's not having. . . Are you and Julie
you guys. ROSS: You were in a porno? not, are, are you and, are you and Julie not having sex?
[a stranger enters with flowers] JOEY: Ahh, alright, alright, alright, I was young and I just ROSS: Technically, huh, no.
wanted a job, OK. But at the last minute I couldn't go
STRANGER: Hi. through with it so they let me be the guy who comes in to RACHEL: Wow. Is it, is it 'cause she's so cold in bed.
fix the copier but can't 'cause there's people havin' sex on it. Or, or is it 'cause she's like, kinda bossy, makes it feel
RACHEL: Hi, hi can I help you? like school?
MONICA: That is wild.
STRANGER: Yeah, I'm looking for Phoebe, does ROSS: No, no, she's great and it's not like we haven't
she still live here? ROSS: [to Chandler] So what's it shaped like? done anything. I mean, uh, uh, we, we do plenty of
other stuff, lot's of other stuff, like uhh. . .
RACHEL: Uh, no she doesn't but I can, I can get a PHOEBE: Yeah, is there a hair on it?
message to her. RACHEL: No, no no no, don't need to know the details.
JOEY: What happens if you flick it?
STRANGER: Great. Uhh, just tell her her husband ROSS: It's just, it's, it's me. You, you know I've only
stopped by. [leaves flowers on bar] [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, and Julie are sitting been with one woman my whole life and she turned
on the couch.] out to be a lesbian. So now I've got myself all psyched
RACHEL: What? [in surprise she forgets she has out, you know, and it's become, like this, this thing and
the pigeon in the pot and lets it get away] ROSS: So, uh, does it do anything, you know, special? I. . . Well, you just must think I'm weird.
STRANGER: Hey, how, how did you do that? CHANDLER: Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple RACHEL: No, no, no, no I don't think it's weird, I think,
opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia. I think umm, in fact, in fact you know what I think?
OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Monica and Rachels apartment. The JULIE: You know, in some cultures having a third nipple is ROSS: What?
whole gang is there.] actually a sign of virility. You get the best huts and women
dance naked around you. RACHEL: I think it's sexy.
JOEY: This is unbelievable Phoebs, how can you
be married? CHANDLER: Huh? Are, uh, any of these cultures, per ROSS: Sexy?
chance, in the tri-state area?
PHOEBE: Well, I mean, I'm not married married, RACHEL: Let me tell you something. As a woman
ya know, he's just a friend and he's gay and he's ROSS: You know, you are so amazing, is there anything there is nothing sexier than a man who does not want
just from Canada and he just needed a green card. you, you don't know? to have sex.
MONICA: I can't believe you married Duncan. I RACHEL: [to Monica at the counter] Ooh, Julie's so smart, ROSS: No kidding?
mean how could you not tell me? We lived Julie's so special.
together, we told each other everything. RACHEL: Oh yeah. In fact you know what I'd do?
MONICA: Look honey, I wanted you to hook up with Ross
PHOEBE: I'm sorry Monica but I knew if I told you, as much as you did. But he's with her now and you're just ROSS: What?
you'd get really, like, judgemental and you would gonna have to get over it.
not approve. RACHEL: I'd wait.
RACHEL: Ohh, I'm gonna have to get over it. God, see I
MONICA: Of course I wouldn't approve, I mean, didn't know that's I had to do, I just have to get over it. ROSS: You'd wait?
you were totally in love with this guy who, hello,
was gay. I mean, what the hell were you thinking? [Phoebe enters all dressed up] RACHEL: Yes, absolutely. I would wait and wait. . .
then I'd wait some more.
ROSS: You see, and you thought she'd be ALL: Woah.
judgemental. ROSS: Really?
JOEY: Foxy lady.
PHOEBE: OK, I wasn't in love with him and I was RACHEL: Oh yeah, I don't care how much she tells
just helping out a friend. JULIE: Where you goin'? you she wants it, I don't care if begs, she pleads, she
tells you she, she's gonna have sex with, with another
MONICA: Please, when he left town you stayed in PHOEBE: Um, I'm gonna go meet Duncan, he's skating man. That just means it's working.
your pajamas for a month and I saw you eat a tonight at the Garden, he's in the Capades.
cheeseburger. ROSS: Women really want this?
JOEY: The Ice Capades?
ALL: Huuh. RACHEL: More than jewelry. [Rachel struts off,
CHANDLER: No, no the gravel capades. Yeah, the turns extremely pleased with herself]
MONICA: Well, didn't you? aren't as fast but when Snoopy falls. . . funny.
[Scene: Madison Square Garden. Duncan's dressing
PHOEBE: I might have. MONICA: I can't believe you're dressing up for him. I room.]
mean, you're just, you're setting yourself up all over again.
MONICA: I can't believe you didn't tell me. PHOEBE: Hi.
PHOEBE: OK, no. For your information I'm going to see
PHOEBE: Oh, c'mon, like you tell me everything. him so I can put all those feeling behind me. OK, and the DUNCAN: Phoebe!
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Season 2
comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm
PHOEBE: Ta-da. thinkin' what do I do, what do I do. . . so I just watch 'em RACHEL: OK Julie, so now let's start with your
have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line, [Joey from childhood, what was that like?
DUNCAN: Hey. TV] you know that's bad fo r the paper tray.
JULIE: Well, in a nutshell. . .
PHOEBE: Hi. CHANDLER: Nice work my friend.
RACHEL: Nah, uh, uh, uh, uh.
DUNCAN: Ahh, look at you, you look great. JOEY: Thank you. Wait wait wait wait, you see me again.
Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I [Scene: Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing
PHOEBE: Do I? Thank you, so do you. am, there I am, there I am, there I am. . . room. Phoebe is signing the divorce papers.]
DUNCAN: Thanks. [Scene: Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing room. PHOEBE: So, um, have you told your parents?
Phoebe is fixing her hair and Duncan enters.]
PHOEBE: Sparkly. So, wow, this is pretty wonerful, DUNCAN: No, but it'll be OK, they're pretty cool, my
huh. Mr. major capades guy. I, I remember when PHOEBE: So um, so what's up, you came to see me brother's straight so. . .
you were just, like, King Friday in Mr. Roger's Ice is yesterday.
Nice. PHOEBE: [handing him the papers] Here you go. You
DUNCAN: Oh, yeah, um, alright, I kinda need a divorce. know what, I just have one more question, um, if you
DUNCAN: You always said I'd make it. had figured this out sooner and um, I had been around,
PHOEBE: Ohh. . .K. How come? do you think that I would have been the one who. . .
PHOEBE: Yeah, well, ya know, I'm kind of spooky no, um, I'm sorry, don't tell me, I don't th ink either
that way. Wooo. DUNCAN: Umm, actually, I'm getting married again. answer would make me feel better.
DUNCAN: I missed you. [they hug] I'm gonna get PHOEBE: What? DUNCAN: I love you Phoebe. [they hug and kiss]
changed.
DUNCAN: Oh God, I don't know how to tell you this. I'm PHOEBE: So your brother's straigh huh? Seriously.
PHOEBE: OK. straight.
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Julie is telling her live story.]
DUNCAN: Um, now. Phoebs. PHOEBE: Huuh.
JULIE: And my second grade teacher was Ms. Thomas,
PHOEBE: Oh, right, OK. Ole. DUNCAN: Yeah, I know, I. and my first grade teacher was Mrs. Cobb.
DUNCAN: What? PHOEBE: I, I don't, I don't understand, how can you be RAHCEL: Mrs., Mrs. Gobb?
straight? I mean, you're, you're so smart and funny and
PHOEBE: Um, the matador. [Duncan leaves] Ole, you throw such great Academy Award parties. JULIE: No Cobb, as in cobb salad.
ha ha ha.
DUNCAN: I know, that's what I kept telling myself but you RACHEL: Now, what exactly is in a cobb salad?
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross and Julie are just reach a point where you can't live a lie anymore.
setting the table.] CHANDLER: I'm goin' home.
PHOEBE: So how long have you known?
ROSS: Julie, can you hold this for a second, RACHEL: What?
thanks. [hands her a bowl and kisses her] DUNCAN: Well I guess on some level I always knew I was
straight. I though I was supposed to be something else, [Outside in the hallway, Chandler, Joey, and Monica
[Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Rachel enter. Ross you know, I'm an ice dancer, all my friends are gay, I was exit]
and Julie don't notice.] just tryin' to fit in.
JOEY: Boy that Julie's a talker, huh?
CHANDLER: Uh, Julie. PHOEBE: And um, and there's actually a, a woman?
ROSS: Goodnight.
JULIE: Yeah? DUNCAN: Her name's Debra.
RACHEL: So, it's pretty late, you're probably uh, not
CHANDLER: Sorry, you had a paleontologist on PHOEBE: Oh. Well is she, is she the first that you've been still planning on. . .
your face. But, uh, it's gone now, you're alright. with?
ROSS: Oh, no no, I am.
ROSS: Hi everyone. DUNCAN: Well, I've never told you this but, there were
one or two times, back in college, when I'd get really drunk, RACHEL: Oh, well, are hey, are you nervous?
ALL: Hi. go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me.
But I, I, I told myself it was the liquor and e-everyone ROSS: Um, no, I uh, I have done it before.
ROSS: [pulls Rachel aside] I just, I wanted to experiments in college.
thank you for our uh, our little talk before. RACHEL: Uh, OK, I mean uh, what, how are you
PHOEBE: Sure. gonna handle it. I mean, are, are ya gonna, are ya
RACHEL: Oh, God, no problem. So you're gonna gonna talk about it before hand, are you just gonna
go with the uh, waiting thing? DUNCAN: But now I know I don't have a choice about this, pounce?
I was born this way.
ROSS: Well, I was going to, but after I talked to ROSS: I uh, I don't know, I guess I'm just gonna see,
you, I talked to Joey. PHOEBE: I, I don't know what to say. I mean, you know, see what happens.
you're married to someone for six years and you think you
RACHEL: What did, what did he say? know him and then one day says, 'Oh, I'm not gay.' RAHCEL: OK, gook luck.
ROSS: Basically he told me to get over myself and DUNCAN: I'm, I'm still me. ROSS: Wha, uhh, what?
just do it, ya know. So I though about what you
said and I though about what he said and, well, his PHOEBE: Why couldn't you have just figured this out six RACHEL: Nothing, I mean, um, it is your first time
way I get to have sex tonight so. . . years ago? with her and, you know if the first time doesn't go well,
well then that's, that's pretty darn hard to recover from.
[Scene: Ross's apartment. After dinner. Chandler [Scene: Ross's apartment. Everyone is sitting around.
enters.] Monica enters from bathroom.] ROSS: OK, now I'm nervous.
CHANDLER: What's this in my pocket? Why it's MONICA: You know, it still smells like monkey in there. RACHEL: Maybe you should put it off.
Joey's porno movie.
JULIE: That saves us a conversation. ROSS: No, no, I don't wanna put it off, I just, God I
ROSS: Pop it in. just, I spent last year being so unbelievably miserable,
CHANDLER: Well, listen, this has been great but I'm ya know, and now, now I'm actually happy. You know,
JOEY: I'm fine with it, I mean, if you're OK officially wiped. I mean, really happy. I just, I just don't wanna, I don't
watching a video filled with two nippled people. wanna mess it up, ya know.
[Chandler puts the tape in] JOEY: Me too, we should get goin'.
RACHEL: I know, yeah, sorry.
RACHEL: Great, people having sex, that's just RACHEL: No, no, I mean, no, c'mon you guys, I mean,
what I need to see. c'mon look it's only eleven thirty. Let's just talk, we never ROSS: What, it's not your fault.
just hang out and talk anymore.
ROSS: What's wrong with people having sex? RACHEL: Maybe it, maybe it doesn't have to be this
MONICA: Rachel, that's all we do. tough. I mean, maybe you were on the right track with
RACHEL: Well, well um, you know, these movies this whole, you know, spontaneous thing. I mean,
are offensive and uh, degrading to women and RACHEL: Maybe that's all we do, what about Julie? women really like that.
females. And uh, and the lighting's always
unflattering. And, Monica help me out here. JULIE: What about Julie? ROSS: Really?
MONICA: Hell, I wanna see Joey. RACHEL: Well, you have been in our lives for nearly two RACHEL: Yeah, I mean, you know it, I mean, if it were
months now and we don't really know you. I mean, who is me I, I, you know, I'd want you to, I don't know, like
[video starts with the cheesy porn disco music] Julie? I mean, what do you like, what don't you like? We catch me off guard, you know, with like a really good
wanna hear everything. kiss, you know really, sort of um, soft at first, then
JULIE: So is there like a story or do they just stard maybe um brush the hair away from my face, and look
doing it right. . . oh, never mind. JULIE: Well, that could take a while. far into my eyes in a way that let's me know that
something amazing is about to happen.
CHANDLER: OK, now wait a minute. That is the RACHEL: So. I mean, who here does not have the time to
craziest typing test I've ever seen. get to know Julie? ROSS: [being drawn in by her talk] Uh-huh.
MONICA: All I say is, she better get the job. CHANDLER: I got the time to get to know Julie. RACHEL: And then, I don't know, I mean you'd pull
me really close to you so that, so that I'd be pressed up,
ROSS: Looks to me like he's the one getting the JOEY: I got time. you know, right against you. And, um, it would get kind
job. of sweaty and uh, and blurry, and then it's just
MONICA: Rach, I know her pretty well, can I go? [Rachel happening.
JOEY: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm gives her a look from hell] That's fine.
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Season 2
ROSS: Ohh. . . Thanks Rach, goodnight. [goes MONICA: (enters) Oh my god. we had. It's no big deal.
back in apartment] RACHEL: Hey. PHOEBE: Not for you.
JOEY: Hi. MONICA: All right, what's goin' on?
RACHEL: Ohh, God. RACHEL: What? RACHEL: Ok, look you guys, I really don't want to get
MONICA: I'm at work, ordinary day, you know, chop chop into this right now. I think it'll just make everyone
CLOSING CREDITS chop, sauti, sauti, sauti. All of a sudden, Leon, the manager, uncomfortable.
calls me into his office. It turns out they fired the head PHOEBE: Fine. All right, fine.
[Scene: The next morning on the street. Ross is lunch chef, and guess who got the job. JOEY: Yeah.
dancing along, Singing in the Rain is playing. Two JOEY: If it's not you, this is a horrible story. CHANDLER: You can tell us.
old ladies are sitting on a bench.] MONICA: Fortunately, it is me. And, they made me head ROSS: Hello, it's us, all right? It'll be fine.
of purchasing, thank you very much. Anyway, I just ran JOEY: Ok, um, uh, we three feel like, that uh,
ROSS: Good morning. into Ross and Chandler downstairs, and they think we sometimes you guys don't get that uh, we don't have
should go out and celebrate. You know, someplace nice. as much money as you.
OLD WOMAN: Well, somebody got some last JOEY: Yeah, someplace nice. (to Phoebe and Rachel) How MONICA: Ok.
night. much do you think I can get for my kidney? (at Central ROSS: I hear ya.
Perk) CHANDLER: We can talk about that.
ROSS: Twice. ROSS: I'm tellin' you. You can't do this. PHOEBE: Well, then...Let's.
END CHANDLER: Oh, come on. I can never get a girl like that ROSS: I, I just never think of money as an issue.
with conventional methods. RACHEL: That's 'cause you have it.
205 The One With Five Steaks and an ROSS: That doesn't matter. She wanted to call Bob. Hey, ROSS: That's a good point.
Eggplant for all we know, Bob is who she was meant to be with. You CHANDLER: So um, how come you guys haven't
[Scene: At Chandler and Joey's. Ross and may be destroying two people's chance for happiness. talked about this before?
Chandler are there. Ross is watching wrestling.] CHANDLER: We don't know Bob, ok? We know me. We JOEY: 'Cause it's always somethin', you know, like
ROSS: Man, I sure miss Julie. like me. Please let me be happy. Monica's new job, or the whole Ross's birthday hoopla.
CHANDLER: Spanish midgets. Spanish midgets ROSS: Go over there and tell that woman the truth. ROSS: Wha--? Whoa, hey, I don't want my birthday to
wrestling. Julie. Ok, yes, I see how you got there. CHANDLER: All right. be the source of any kind of negative--there's gonna
(phone rings) ROSS: Go. be a hoopla?
ROSS: You ever figure out what that thing's for? CHANDLER: Hi. RACHEL: Basically, there's the thing, and then there's
CHANDLER: No, see, I'm trying this new JADE: Hi. the stuff after the thing.
screening thing. You know, I figure if I'm always CHANDLER: Listen, I have to, uh, um, I have to, I have to MONICA: If it makes anybody feel better, then we
answering the phone, people'll think I don't have a confess something. can just forget the thing, and we'll just do the gift.
life. My god, Rodrigo never gets pinned. JADE: Yes? ROSS: G-gift? The thing's not the gift?
(MACHINE--JOEY'S VOICE): Here comes the CHANDLER: Whoever stood you up is a jerk. CHANDLER: No, the thing was, we were gonna go
beep, you know what to do. JADE: How did you--? see Hootie and the Blowfish.
JADE: Hello, I'm looking for Bob. This is Jane. I CHANDLER: I don't know. I just had this weird sense. You ROSS: Hootie and the--oh my. I, I can catch them on
don't know if you're still at this number, but I was know, but that's me. I'm weird and sensitive. Tissue? the radio.
just thinking about us, and how great it was, and, JADE: Thanks. PHOEBE: No, now I feel bad. You wanna go to the
well, I know it's been three years, but, I was kinda CHANDLER: No, you keep the pack. I'm all cried out concert.
hoping we could hook up again. I barely had t he today. ROSS: No, look, hey, it's my birthday, and the
nerve to make this call, so you know what I did? (At Somplace Nice) important thing is that we all be together.
CHANDLER: What? ROSS: Ok, ok, here is to my sister, the newly-appointed MONICA: All of us.
JADE: I got a little drunk...and naked. head lunch chef-- CHANDLER: Together.
CHANDLER: Bob here. MONICA: Who is also in charge of purchasing. ROSS: Not at the concert.
CHANDLER: (on phone) What've you been up to? ROSS: Newly appointed head lunch chef who is also in RACHEL: Ok.
JADE: Oh, you know, the usual, teaching aerobics, charge of purchasing-- JOEY: Yeah.
partying way too much. Oh, and in case you were MONICA: Who has her own little desk when Roland's not RACHEL: Thank you.
wondering, those are my legs on the new James there. JOEY: Thanks.
Bond poster. ROSS: Uh, lunch chef, purchasing, own little desk when PHOEBE: Yeah.
CHANDLER: Can you hold on a moment? I have Roland's not there. Here's to my little sister-- CHANDLER: So, the ebola virus. That's gotta suck,
another call. (to Ross) I love her. MONICA: Oh, wait, and I got a beeper! huh?
ROSS: I know. JOEY: Cool. (at Monica and Rachel's)
CHANDLER: I'm back. PHOEBE: Let's see! CHANDLER: Gee, Monica, what's in the bag?
JADE: So, are we gonna get together or what? ROSS: That's fine, I'll just wait! MONICA: I don't know, Chandler. Let's take a look.
CHANDLER: Um, absolutely. Uh, how 'bout MONICA: Oh, sorry. PHOEBE: Oh, it's like a skit.
tomorrow afternoon? Do you know uh, Central JOEY: Sorry, sorry. MONICA: Why, it's dinner for six. 5 steaks, and an
Perk in the Village, say, five-ish? ROSS: Monica! eggplant for Phoebe.
JADE: Great, I'll see you then. (glasses clinking) ROSS: Whoo!
CHANDLER: Ok. Ok. Having a phone has finally WAITER: Are we ready to order? PHOEBE: Cool.
paid off. RACHEL: Oh, you know what, we haven't even looked yet. MONICA: Yeah, we switched meat suppliers at work,
ROSS: Even though you do do a good Bob WAITER: Well, when you do, just let me know. I'll be right and the new guys gave me the steaks as sort of a
impression, I'm thinkin' when she sees you over there on the edge of my seat. thank-you.
tomorow, she's probably gonna realize, "hey, PHOEBE: Wow, look at these prices. ROSS: But wait, there's more. Hey, Chandler, what is
you're not Bob." RACHEL: Yeah, these are pretty ch-ching. in the envelope?
CHANDLER: I'm hoping that when Bob doesn't JOEY: What are these, like famous chickens? CHANDLER: By the way, this didn't seem so dorky in
show up, she will seek comfort in the open arms of CHANDLER: Hey, sorry I'm late. Congratulations, Mon. (to the hall.
the wry stranger at the next table. Ross) I'm not sorry I'm late. How incredible was my ROSS: Come on.
ROSS: Oh my god. You are pure evil. afternoon with Jade? CHANDLER: Why, it's six tickets to Hootie and the
CHANDLER: Ok, pure evil, horny and alone. I've ROSS: Well, pretty incredible according to the message Blowfish! The Blowfish!
done this. she left you on my machine. Hey, Chandler, why is this MONICA: It's on us, all right, so don't worry. It's our
(At Monica and Rachel's) woman leaving a message for you on my machine? treat.
ROSS: (on phone) Yeah, yeah, everybody's here. CHANDLER: Oh, see, I had to tell her that my number PHOEBE: So...Thank you.
Hey, everybody, say hi to Julie in New Mexico. was your number, because I couldn't tell her that my ROSS: Could you be less enthused?
ALL: Hi, Julie! number was my number because she thinks that my JOEY: Look, it's a nice gesture, it is. But it just feels
RACHEL: (sarcastically) Hi, Julie. number is Bob's number. like--
CHANDLER: Ok, while Ross is on the phone, ROSS: Hey, tell me again, what do I do when Mr. Roper MONICA: Like?
everybody owes me 62 bucks for his birthday. calls? JOEY: Charity.
PHOEBE: Um, is, is there any chance that you're WAITER: Do I dare ask? MONICA: Charity?
rounding up? You know, like from, like 20? MONICA: Yes, I will start with the carpaccio, and then I'll ROSS: We're just tryin' to do a nice thing here.
CHANDLER: Hey, come on, we got the gift, the have the grilled prawns. RACHEL: Ross, you have to understand that your nice
concert, and the cake. ROSS: That sounds great. Same for me. thing makes us feel this big.
JOEY: Do we need a cake? WAITER: And for the gentleman? PHOEBE: Actually, it makes us feel that big.
CHANDLER: Look guys, I know it's a little steep. JOEY: Yeah, I'll have the Thai chicken pizza. But, hey, look, ROSS: I don't, I don't understand. I mean, you, it's
RACHEL: Yeah, whoosh! if I get it without the nuts and leeks and stuff, is it cheaper? like we can't win with you guys.
CHANDLER: But it's Ross. WAITER: You'd think, wouldn't you? Miss? CHANDLER: If you guys feel this big, maybe that's
PHOEBE: It's Ross. RACHEL: Ok, I will have the uh, (whispers) side salad. not our fault. Maybe that's just how you feel.
JOEY: All right. WAITER: (whispers) And what will that be on the side of? JOEY: Oh, now you're tellin' us how you feel.
CHANDLER: I'll see you guys later, I gotta go...do RACHEL: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here RACHEL: Ok, we never shoulda talked about this.
a thing. next to my water? PHOEBE: I'm just gonna pass on the concert, 'cause
ROSS: Ok, sweetheart, I'll call you later tonight. WAITER: And for you? I'm just not in a very Hootie place right now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, you're not PHOEBE: Um, I'm gonna have a cup of the cucumber soup, RACHEL: Me neither.
really gonna go through with this, are you? and, um, take care. JOEY: Me too.
CHANDLER: You know, I think I might just. CHANDLER: I will have the uh, Cajun catfish. MONICA: Guys, we bought the tickets.
RACHEL: So uh, what are you guys doing for WAITER: Anything else? PHOEBE: Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats, you
dinner tonight? CHANDLER: Yes, how 'bout a verse of Killing Me Softly. know, for all your tiaras and stuff.
JOEY: Well I guess I gotta start savin' up for You're gonna sneeze on my fish, aren't you? CHANDLER: Why did you look at me when you said
Ross's birthday, so I guess I'll just stay home and ROSS: (using calculator) Plus tip, divided by six. Ok, that?
eat dust bunnies. everyone owes 28 bucks. MONICA: Well, I guess now we can't go.
PHOEBE: Can you believe how much this is gonna RACHEL: Um, everyone? RACHEL: What? Come on, you do what you want to
cost? ROSS: Oh, you're right, I'm sorry. do. Do we always have to do everything together?
RACHEL: Do you guys ever get the feeling that JOEY: Thank you. MONICA: You know what? You're right.
um, Chandler and those guys just don't get that ROSS: Monica's big night, she shouldn't pay. PHOEBE: Fine.
we don't make as much money as they do? MONICA: Oh, thank you! ROSS: Fine.
JOEY: Yes! Yeah, it's like they're always saying ROSS: So five of us is, $33.50 apiece. JOEY: Fine.
"let's go here, let's go there". Like we can afford to PHOEBE: No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna CHANDLER: Fine.
go here and there. happen. RACHEL: Fine.
PHOEBE: Yes, yes, and it's, and we always have CHANDLER: Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback. MONICA: All right. We're gonna go. It's not for
to go to, you know, someplace nice, you know? PHOEBE: I'm sorry, Monica, I'm really happy you got another six hours. We're gonna go then.
God, and it's not like we can say anything about it, promoted, but cold cucumber mush for thirty-something ROSS: Chandler!
'cause, like this birthday thing, it's for Ross. bucks? No! Rachel just had that, that, that salad, and, and CHANDLER: Yeah?
JOEY: For Ross. Joey with his like teeny pizza! It's just... ROSS: Geez! Are you ready?
RACHEL: For Ross, Ross, Ross. ROSS: Ok, Pheebs! How 'bout we'll each just pay for what CHANDLER: Yeah. Just let me grab my jacket and tell
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Season 2
you I had sex today. suck on my neck". MONICA: All right, get your coat, we're going to the
ROSS: Whoa! You had sex today? ROSS: Look, don't blame us. You guys coulda been there, hospital.
CHANDLER: Wow, it sounds even cooler when you know.
somebody else says it. I was awesome, ok? She RACHEL: What, as part of your poor friends outreach JOEY: Is he gonna be ok?
was biting her lip to stop from screaming. program?
ROSS: Wow. (Monica's pager goes off) MONICA: Yeah, he's just gotta get a shot.
CHANDLER: Now I know it's been awhile, but I MONICA: It's work.
took it as a good sign. CHANDLER: I don't know what to say. I'm sorry that we ROSS: You know, you know, actually it's getting better.
(phone rings) make more money than you. But we're not gonna feel It is. It is. Let's not go. Anyone for Thcrabble?
ROSS: Still doing the screening thing? guilty about it. We work really hard for it.
CHANDLER: I had sex today. I never have to JOEY: And we don't work hard? MONICA: Jacket now.
answer that phone again. MONICA: (on phone) Yeah, hi, it's Monica. I just got a
MACHINE: Here comes the beep, you know what page. ROSS: What about Ben? We can't bring a baby to a
to do. CHANDLER: I'm just saying that sometimes we like to do hospital.
JADE: Hey, Bob, it's Jade. Listen, I just wanted to stuff that costs a little more.
tell you that I was really hurt when you didn't show JOEY: And you feel like we hold you back. CHANDLER: We'll watch him.
up the other day, and just so you know, I ended CHANDLER: Yes.
up meeting a guy. RACHEL: Oh! ROSS: I don't think tho.
CHANDLER: Bob here. CHANDLER: No.
JADE: Oh, hi. MONICA: Leon, Leon. Shhh! Guys. Wait, I don't JOEY: What? I have seven Catholic sisters. I've taken
CHANDLER: So, uh, you met someone, huh? understand. Those steaks were just a gift from the meat care of hundreds of kids. Come on, we wanna do it,
JADE: Yes, yes, I did. In fact, I had sex with him 2 vendor. That was not a kick back. I'll just replace them and don't we?
hours ago. we can forget the whole thing. What corporate policy? No.
CHANDLER: So, uh, how was he? Yeah. All right. I just got fired. CHANDLER: I was looking forward to playing
JADE: Eh. PHOEBE: Oh. basketball, but I guess that's out the window.
CHANDLER: Eh? (Everyone goes over to comfort Monica)
JADE: Oh, Bob, he was nothing compared to you. WAITRESS: Here's your check. That'll be $4.12. ROSS: Ok, well, if you do take him out for his walk,
I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming your JOEY: Let me get that. (to Chandler) You got five bucks? you might wanna bring his hat, and there's extra milk
name. MACHINE: Here comes the beep, you know what to do. in the fridge, and there's extra diapers in the bag.
CHANDLER: Well, that makes me feel so good. JADE: Hi, it's me. Listen, Bob. I'm probably way out of line
JADE: It was just so awkward and bumpy. here. I mean, It has been 3 years, and you're probably JOEY: Hat, milk, got it.
ROSS: (silently mouthing) Bumpy? seeing someone else now, but if we could just have one
CHANDLER: Well, maybe he had some kind of uh, night together, just for old time's sake, one hot, steamy, ROSS: ??? (speech garbled) Thro up a thro thro--a
new, cool style, that you're not familiar with. And wild night... thro thro!
uh maybe you have to get used to it. (Joey lunges for phone and misses.)
JADE: Well there really wasn't much time to get END JOEY: Consider it done.
used to it, you know what I mean?
(at the concert) 206 The One With the Baby on the Bus CHANDLER: You understood that?
MONICA: You know what? I'm not gonna be able [Scene: At Monica and Rachel's.]
to enjoy this. JOEY: Yeah, my uncle Sal has a really big tongue.
ROSS: Yeah, I know, it's my birthday. We all MONICA: Who da wenny-Benny boy? You the
should be here. Wenny-wenny-Benny-Benny boy, yes. Don't cry. Don't cry. CHANDLER: Is he the one with the beautiful wife?
CHANDLER: So, let's go. Why is he still crying?
ROSS: Well maybe, you know, maybe we should (Central Perk)
stay for one song. ROSS: Let me hold him for a sec. There. (Ben stops crying)
CHANDLER: Yeah, I mean, it would be rude to Huh? There we are. PHOEBE: Hey Rach, wanna hear the new song I'm
them for us to leave now. thinkin' of singing this afternoon? I wrote it this
MONICA: You know, the guys are probably MONICA: Maye it's me. morning in the shower.
having a great time.
(at Monica and Rachel's) ROSS: Don't be silly. Ben loves you. He's just being Mr. RACHEL: Ok.
JOEY: Come on you guys, one more time. Crankypants.
PHOEBE: Ok. One. PHOEBE: (singing) I'm in the shower and I'm writing a
JOEY: Nooo. CHANDLER: You know, I once dated a Miss Crankypants. song. Stop me if you've heard it. My skin is soapy, and
MONICA: That was amazing! Lovely girl, kinda moody. my hair is wet, and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget.
ROSS: Excellent, that was excellent.
CHANDLER: I can't believe the guys missed this. ROSS: There we go. All better. (gives Ben back to Monica) TERRY: Uh, Rachel, sweetheart, could I see ya for a
ROSS: What guys? Oh, yeah. minute?
STEVE: Excuse me, you're Monica Geller aren't MONICA: There's my little boy. (Ben starts crying again)
you? RACHEL: What's up?
MONICA: Do I know you? CHANDLER: Can I uh see something? (Takes Ben. When
STEVE: You used to be my babysitter. he puts him close to Monica, Ben cries. When he moves TERRY: F.Y.I.. I've decided to pay a professional
MONICA: Oh my god, little Stevie Fisher? How've Ben away, he stops crying.) musician to play in here on Sunday afternoons. Her
you been? name is Stephanie... something. She's supposed to be
STEVE: Good, good, I'm a lawyer now. JOEY: Cool. very good.
MONICA: You can't be a lawyer. You're eight.
STEVE: Listen, it was nice to see you. I gotta run MONICA: He hates me. My nephew hates me. RACHEL: But what about Phoebe?
backstage.
MONICA: Uh, wait, backstage? ROSS: Come on, don't do this. TERRY: Rachel, it's not that your friend is bad, it's that
STEVE: Oh, yeah, my firm represents the band. she's so bad, she makes me want to put my finger
ROSS: Ross. MONICA: What if my own baby hates me? Huh? What am through my eye into my brain and swirl it around.
CHANDLER: Chandler. I gonna do then?
STEVE: How are you? Look, you guys wanna meet RACHEL: Ok, ok, so you're not a fan, but I mean,
the group? Come on. So, are you one of the ones CHANDLER: Monica, will you stop? This is nuts. Do you come on, you cannot do this to her.
who fooled around with my dad? know how long it's gonna be before you actually have to
(at Central Perk) deal with this problem? I mean, you don't even have a TERRY: Uh--
ROSS: Hey, you guys. boyfriend yet. Joey, she does not look fat.
RACHEL: Happy birthday. RACHEL: Oh, no no no no. Oh no no no no. I have to
ROSS: Oh, thank you, thanks. So uh, how was (Chandler has a basketball which he is moving closer to, do this to her?
your night last night? then away from, Monica)
RACHEL: Oh, well, it pretty much sucked. How PHOEBE: (singing) Lather, rinse, repeat, and lather,
was yours? JOEY: Goo, goo, goo, waaah! rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, as needed.
MONICA: Yeah, ours pretty much sucked, oh, but,
I did run into little Stevie Fisher. Remember him? MONICA: That is so funny. Let me see that. (throws the (Chandler and Joey are loaded down with baby
RACHEL: Oh yeah. I used to babysit him. Hey, ball out the window) stuff, and Ben)
how's his dad?
MONICA: Uh, good. JOEY: Are you ok, Ross? CHANDLER: You know, I don't think we brought
ROSS: Uh, aside from that, the whole evening enough stuff. Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil?
was pretty much a bust. ROSS: I don't know. What's in this pie?
CHANDLER: Yeah, we really missed you guys. JOEY: It's gonna be worth it. It's a known fact that
JOEY: Yeah, look, we were just saying, this whole MONICA: Uh, I don't know, butter, eggs, flour, lime, kiwi-- women love babies, all righ? Women love guys who
thing is really stupid. love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim
PHOEBE: We just have to really, really, really, not ROSS: Kiwi? Kiwi? I thought it was a key lime pie. him at that pack o' babes over there. Maybe one of
let stuff like money get--is that a hickey? them will break away. No, no wait, for get them, we
MONICA: No, I just, I fell down. MONICA: No I didn't, I said kiwi lime. That's what makes got one, hard left. All right, gimme the baby.
RACHEL: On someone's lips? Where'd you get the it so special.
hickey? CHANDLER: No, I got him.
MONICA: You know, a party, or-- ROSS: And that's what's gonna kill me. I'm allergic to kiwi.
RACHEL: What party? JOEY: No, seriously.
ROSS: It wasn't so much a party as...a gathering MONICA: No you're not. You're, you're allergic to lobster
of people, with food, and music, and, and the and peanuts and--oh my god. CHANDLER: Oh, seriously you want him?
band.
JOEY: You partied with Hootie and the Blowfish? ROSS: Ugh. CAROLINE: Hello.
CHANDLER: Yes, apparently Stevie and the band
are like this. MONICA: Oh my god. BOYS: Hello.
RACHEL: Who gave you that hickey?
MONICA: That would be the work of a Blowfish. ROSS: Ugh. It's definitely getting worse. CAROLINE: And who is this little cutie pie?
RACHEL: Oh!
PHOEBE: Oh! I can't believe it. I can't believe this. MONICA: Is your tongue swelling up? CHANDLER: Well, don't, don't think me immodest,
We're just like, sitting at home, trying to guess but, me?
Joey's fingers, and you guys are out like partying ROSS: Either that or my mouth is getting smaller.
and having fun, and you know, all, "hey, Blowfish, JOEY: You wanna smell him?
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Season 2
ROSS: Tho? a book, and I was wondering what someone might do
CAROLINE: I assume we're talking about the if they left a baby on a city bus. Yes I do realize that
baby now. (Monica shakes her head.) would be a very stupid charact er.
JOEY: Oh, yeah. He's got that great baby smell. ROSS: Ohhh. JOEY: Hi, here's the deal. We lost a carseat on a bus
Get a whiff of his head. today. It's white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a
MONICA: That's good, have a seat. Um, the doctor says stroller. Oh, and there was a baby in it. He wants to
CAROLINE: I think my uterus just skipped a beat. it's gotta be a needle. You're just gonna have to be brave, talk to you again.
ok? Can you do that for me?
JOEY: (to Chandler) What'd I tell you? What'd I RACHEL: Ok, everybody, let's give a uh nice warm
tell you? ROSS: Ok. Central Perk welcome to--
CAROLINE: I think it's great you guys are doing MONICA: Ok. Oh boy. You are doin' so good. You wanna PHOEBE: (singing angrily) Terry's a jerk, and he won't
this. squeeze my hand? All right, Ross, don't squeeze it so hard. let me work, and I hate Central Perk!
Honey, really, don't squeeze it so hard! Oh, Ross! Let go of
CHANDLER: Well, we are great guys. my hand! RACHEL: Uh, to Stephanie Schiffer.
CAROLINE: You know, my brother and his CHANDLER: That's a good plan, Joe. Next time we wanna STEPHANIE: Thank you. I'd like to start with a song
boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three pick up women, we should just go to the park and make that I wrote for the first man I ever loved. (singing)
years. What agency did you two go through? out. Taxi, taxi! Zachary.
(Central Perk) JOEY: Hey, hey, look at that talent. PHOEBE: (singing/screaming) You're all invited to bite
me!
PHOEBE: But, but this is my gig. This is where I CHANDLER: (to taxi driver) Just practicing. You're good.
play. My, my name is written out there in chalk. Carry on. CHANDLER AND JOEY: Hi. We're the guys who called
You know, you can't just erase chalk. about the baby. We left the baby on ths bus. Is he here?
GIRL 1 ON BUS: Hey, you. He's just adorable. Is he here?
RACHEL: Honey, I'm sorry.
CHANDLER: Ok, but can you tell him that, because he TRANSIT AUTHORITY GUY: He's here. (Chandler and
PHOEBE: And he's going to be paying this woman? thinks he's too pink. Joey hug each other in relief) I'm assuming one of you
Why doesn't he just give her like a throne, and a is the father.
crown, and like a, you know, gold stick with a ball GIRL 2 ON BUS: So what are you guys out doing today?
on top. CHANDLER: That's me.
JOEY: Oh we're not out. No, no. We're just uh, two
RACHEL: Terry is a jerk, ok? That's why we're heterosexual guys, hanging with the son of our other JOEY: I'm him.
always saying "Terry's a jerk!" That's where that heterosexual friend, doin' the usual straight guy stuff.
came from. CHANDLER: Actually, uh, we're both the father. (Puts
CHANDLER: You done? his arm around Joey)
PHOEBE: Yeah, ok. You probably did everything
you could. JOEY: Yeah. BOTH (but to different babies): Oh, Ben! Hey,
buddy!
RACHEL: Ok, you know what, lemme, let me just GIRL 1: Oh, there's our stop.
see what else I can do. All right, look, look. Why CHANDLER: Please tell me you know which one is our
don't you just let her go on after Stephanie JOEY: Get outta here. This is our stop too. baby.
whatever-her-name-is. I mean, you won't even be
here. You don't pay her. It's not gonna cost you GIRL 2: You guys live around here too? JOEY: Well, well that one has ducks on his t-shirt, and
anything. this one has clowns. And Ben was definitely wearing
JOEY: Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. We live in the building by the ducks.
TERRY: I, I don't know. uh sidewalk.
CHANDLER: Ok.
RACHEL: Come on, Terry, I'll even clean the CHANDLER: You know it?
cappuccino machine. JOEY: Or clowns. Oh, oh wait. That one's definitely
JOEY: Hey, look, since we're neighbors and all, what do Ben. Remember, he had that cute little mole by his
TERRY: You don't clean the cappuccino machine? you say we uh, get together for a drink? mouth.
RACHEL: Of course I clean it. I mean, I,I will GIRL 1: So uh, you wanna go to Marquel's? CHANDLER: Yeah?
cleeeean it. I mean, I will cleeeean it.
CHANDLER: Oh, sure, they love us over there. JOEY: Yeah.
TERRY: Oh, all right, fine, fine, fine.
GIRL 2: Where's your baby? CHANDLER: Hey, Ben, remember us? Ok, the mole
RACHEL: Done. came off.
CHANDLER AND JOEY: (running after bus) Ben! Ben! Ben!
PHOEBE: Really? JOEY: Ahh!
CHANDLER: Oh, that's good. Maybe he'll hear you and
RACHEL: Yeah. Who's workin' for you babe? pull the cord. CHANDLER: What're we gonna do? What're we
gonna do?
PHOEBE: Oh! Oh my god. This is so exciting. How BOTH: Stop the bus! Wait! Wait! Wait!
much am I gonna get? JOEY: Uh, uh, we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns.
MONICA: Are you sure he didn't break it because it really
RACHEL: What? hurts. CHANDLER: Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby?
PHOEBE: Well you said that he's paying the DOCTOR: No, it's just a good bone bruise. And, right here JOEY: You got a better idea?
people who are playing. is the puncture wound from your ring.
CHANDLER: All right, call it in the air.
RACHEL: Oh, no, no no. I meant that he's gonna ROSS: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. Sorry. Sorry! Hey!
be paying that other woman beause she's a Hey! I got my s's back! Which we can celebrate later. JOEY: Heads.
professional. Celebrate.
CHANDLER: Heads it is.
PHOEBE: Well, I'm not gonna be the only one PHOEBE: (singing) ... with the double double
who's not getting paid. double-jointed boy. Hey. So um, are you the professional JOEY: Yes! Whew!
guitar player?
RACHEL: Well, but Pheebs. CHANDLER: We have to assign heads to something.
STEPHANIE: Yeah. I'm Stephanie.
PHOEBE: No, huh uh, I'm sorry, no. No, I'm not JOEY: Right. Ok, ok, uh, ducks is heads, because
some like sloppy second, charity band. You know PHOEBE: Right. My name was on there, but now it just ducks have heads.
what, there are thousands of places in this city says "carrot cake". So, um, so um, how many chords do
where people would be happy to pay to hear me you know? CHANDLER: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to
play. (Out on the sidewalk, singing) When I play, I your birthday?
play for me, I don't need your charity. (Someone STEPHANIE: All of them.
puts a coin in her guitar case) Thank you! La la la (on the sidewalk outside Central Perk)
la la la la.... PHOEBE: Oh yeah, so you know D?
RACHEL: Hey.
ROSS: Well, there's no way I'm gonna get a shot. STEPHANIE: Yeah.
Maybe they can take the needle and thquirt it into PHOEBE: Oh, hi.
my mouth, you know, like a thquirt gun. PHOEBE: Ok, do you know A minor?
RACHEL: Here. I thought you might be cold.
DOCTOR: Hello, there. I'm Dr. Carlin. I see STEPHANIE: Yeah.
someone's having an allergic reaction. PHOEBE: Thank you.
PHOEBE: Ok, do you know how to go from D to A minor?
MONICA: Doctor, can I see you for just a minute RACHEL: Whoa, look at you, you did pretty well.
please? My brother has a slight phobia about STEPHANIE: Yeah.
needles. PHOEBE: Eight dollars and 27 cents. But not really,
PHOEBE: Ok. Um, so does your guitar have a strap? 'cause I put in the first two, just to, you know, get the
ROSS: Did you tell him about my thquirt gun idea? ball rolling, and to make myself feel better.
STEPHANIE: No.
MONICA: My brother, the PhD would like to know RACHEL: Do you?
if there's any way to treat this orally. PHOEBE: Oh. Mine does. (singing) Stephanie knows all
the chords. (makes a face) PHOEBE: No. This whole like playing-for-money thing
DOCTOR: No, under these circumstances it has to is so not good for me. You know, I don't know, when I
be an injection, and it has to be now. CHANDLER: (on pay phone) Come on, pick up, pick up! sang "Su-Su-Suicide", I got a dollar seventy-five. But
Hello? Transit Authority? Yes, hello. I'm doing research for then, "Smelly Cat", I got 25 cents and a condom. So
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Season 2
you know, now I just feel really bad for Smelly Cat.
STEPHANIE: Yeah. From the top? JOEY: Maybe he, uhh... drives his car on the other
RACHEL: Well, you know, honey, I don't think side of the road, if ya know what I mean.
everybody gets Smelly Cat. You know, I mean, if PHOEBE: Ok, there is no top. That's the beauty of Smelly
all you've ever actually had are healthy pets, then, Cat. Um, why don't you just follow me? PHOE: No, whad'ya mean? He's not British.
whoosh!
STEPHANIE: Ok. JOEY: Maybe he's. . . gay.
PHOEBE: It's not even that. I used to do my
songs because it made me happy, but now it's like, PHOEBE: Mmmm hmmm. PHOE: Oohh, um, no, I don't think that's the problem.
it's just all about the money. 'Cause we went, um, dancing the other night and the
TOGETHER: Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, what are they way he held me so close, and the way he was looking
RACHEL: Well, people missed you in there. And in feeding you? Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, it's not your fault. into my eyes I just like... definitely felt something.
fact, there was actually a request for "Smelly Cat".
PHOEBE: That's too much. Sorry. RACH: Yeah, but how much can you tell from a look?
PHOEBE: Really? From who? END
PHOE: No, I felt it on my hip. You could tell.
RACHEL: Well, from me. And I know it's not your 207 The One Where Ross Finds Out
big money song, but it's my favorite. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone is [Monica enters.]
sitting at the couches, Chandler enters.]
KID: Hi. Uh, did I accidentally drop a condom in MNCA: [to Chandler] Yo, Bing. Racquetball in 15
your case? It's kind of an emergency. CHAN: OK, what is it about me? Do I not look fun enough? minutes.
Is there something. . . repellant. . . about me?
PHOEBE: Yeah. Here you go. CHAN: Joey, be a pal. Lift up my hand and smack her
RACH: So, how was the party? with it.
KID: Thanks a lot. Hey Christine, I got it!
CHAN: Well it couldn't have been worse. A woman literally PHOE: [seeing Ross kissing Julie outside the window]
(chez Monica and Rachel) passed through me. OK, so what is it, am I hideously Ooh, oh, Rachel, don't look.
unattractive?
ROSS: I just wanna thank you for being there for RACH: What? [looks, feigns indifference] C'mon you
me today. And I'm sorry I,I almost broke your PHOE: No, you are not, you are very attractive. You know guys, I don't care, I have a date tonight.
hand. what, I go through the exact same thing. Every time I put
on a little weight, I start questioning everyting. JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, you have a date?
MONICA: That's ok. I'm sorry I poisoned you.
CHAN: Woah, woah, I've put on a little weight? RACH: Yeah, Monica's settin' me up.
ROSS: Yeah. Hey, remember the time I jammed
that pencil into your hand? PHOE: No, not wieght... y'know, more like insulation. JOEY: But uh, uh, what about uh, Ross and uh. . .?
MONICA: Remember it? What do you think this is, MNCA: Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a RACH: Oh what, my whole insane jealousy thing? Well,
a freckle? project. Ya wanna work out? I can remake you. y'know, as much fun as that was, I've decided to opt
for sanity.
ROSS: Oh. CHAN: Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the
way of my lying around time. CHAN: So you really OK about all this?
MONICA: Wait, what about the time I hit you in
the face with the Silvian's pumpkin? MNCA: Please. RACH: Oh yeah, c'mon, I'm movin' on. He can press
her up against that window as much as he wants. For
ROSS: Oh, man. Oh, remember when I stuck that ALL: C'mon. Let her. Yeah. all I care, he can throw her through the damn thing.
broom in your bike spokes, and you flipped over
and hit your head on the curb? CHAN: Alright, OK, alright. But if we put on spandex and [Ross and Julie enter.]
my boobs are bigger than yours, I'm goin' home.
MONICA: No. But I remember people telling me ROSS: Hi guys.
about it. PHOE: Your boobs are fine. Look, I never should have said
anything. Come here. Come here. [hugs Chandler but ALL: Hey.
ROSS: I hope Ben has a little sister. holds her hands apart behind his back] Oh, can't make....
hands... meet.... ROSS: Oh, Monica, I figured I'd come by tomorrow
MONICA: Yeah. I hope she can kick his ass. morning and pick up Fluffy's old cat toy, OK?
OPENING TITLES
ROSS: I'm gonna get a new band-aid. Hey, how MNCA: Only if you say his full name.
'bout the time I cut the legs off your Malibu Ken? [Scene: Hallway between the apartments. Chandler
comes out wearing spandex, jogging in place. Monica is ROSS: [reluctantly] Can I come over tomorrow and
MONICA: That was you? there.] pick up Fluffy Meowington's cat toy.
ROSS: They, uh, were infected. He wouldn't have CHAN: OK, let's do it. [Monica looks at him funny] What? MNCA: Alright.
made it.
MNCA: Nothing, just never seen you in little stretchy pants JOEY: [to Ross] You're getting a cat?
MONICA: Aw, my little nephew. Come here, little before.
one. There's my little baby Ben. Hey, my little boy. ROSS: Uh, actually, we're getting a cat.
Hey, he's not crying. CHAN: And we're changing. [jogs back in his apartment]
RACH: Together?
CHANDLER: (looking fearfully at Joey) Hey, he's [Cut to the city street. Monica and Chandler are jogging.
not crying. Chandler is lagging behind so he hops in a cab and takes ROSS: Uh huh.
off, leaving Monica behind]
(Ben starts crying) RACH: Both of you?
[Scene: Back in Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler
JOEY: Yes! There's still pie. is doing situps.] ROSS: Yep.
ROSS: I'm here. How's my little boy? Want Daddy MNCA: C'mon give me five more. Five more. RACH: Together.
to change your diaper? So, did you have fun with
Uncle Joey and Uncle Chandler today? CHAN: [weakly] No. JULIE: Yeah, we figure it'll live with Ross half the time,
and with me half the time.
JOEY: Oh, yeah, he rode the bus today. MNCA: Five more and I'll flash you.
RACH: Ohh, well, isn't that just lovely. That's
ROSS: Ohhh. Big boy, riding the bus--Hey, I have CHAN: One. . . two. . . two and a half. OK, just show me something the two of you will be able to enjoy for a
a question. How come it says Property of Human one of them. really, really, really, really, really long time.
Services on his butt?
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Joey are sitting on the ROSS: Hopefully.
CHANDLER: You, you are gonna love this. couch. Rachel is working.]
RACH: Well. [looks at watch] Woah, look at that! I
ROSS: Will you hold Ben for a sec? Come here. CHAN: [slowly lifts coffee cup to his mouth] Ow, ow, ow, gotta go, I gotta date. With a man. Um, OK, you guys
Come here. ow, ow, ow, ow. [slowly sets the cup back down] Ow, ow, have a really, uh, have a really good night and you two
ow, ow, ow. [Joey intercepts the cup and puts it down for have a, uh, have a, uh, really good cat. [she leaves
CHANDLER: Stay back, I've got kiwi. Run, Joey, him]. She's insane, the woman is insane. It's before work, carrying her tray then comes back in] OK, we're not
Run! it's after work, it's during work. She's got me doing butt supposed to take these when we leave.
clenches at my desk. And now, they won't bring me my
STEPHANIE: (singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, mail anymore. [Scene: A nice restraunt. Rachel is on her date with
what are they feeding you? Michael (MICH).]
[Phoebe enters.]
PHOEBE: No, no, no. I'm sorry. It's "smelly cat, MICH: I don't know if Monica told you but this is the
smel-ly cat". RACH: Hey Phoebs, how'd it go with Scott last night? first date I've gone on since my divorce so, if I seem a
little nervous, I am.
STEPHANIE: Smelly cat, smel-ly cat... PHOE: Oh, um, it was nice. Took him to a romantic
restraunt, ordered champagne, nice. RACH: [distracted] How long do cats live?
PHOEBE: Better. Yeah.
JOEY: The guy still won't put out, huh? MICH: [confused] I'm sorry?
STEPHANIE: Yeah?
PHOE: Nope. Zilch, nothin', uh-uh. RACH: Cats, how long do they live figuring you don't...
PHOEBE: Yeah, much better. And you know what, y'know, throw 'em under a bus or something?
don't feel bad, because it's a hard song. ALL: Sorry Phoebs.
MICH: Um, maybe 15, 16 years.
STEPHANIE: Yeah. PHOE: Look, I, y'know, I don't mind taking it slow, I like
him a lot, y'know he's really interesting and he's really RACH: That's just great. [she picks up her champagne
PHOEBE: You wanna try it again? sweet and why won't he give it up? and starts drinking]
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RACH: Hi, I'm sorry, I need to borrow your phone for just ROSS: Woah. Huh. You know about my, I mean, you
MICH: Um, cheers. one minute. know I had... you know?
RACH: Oh, right, clink. [downs her glass] GUY: I'm talkin'! RACH: Chandler told me.
MICH: Monica told you I was cuter that this, didn't RACH: I can see that. I... just one phone call, I'll be very ROSS: Chandler. When did he... when did he... when
she? quick, I'll even pay for it myself. [man is still reluctant] OK, did he?
you're bein' a little weird about your phone.
RACH: Oh, no, Michael, it's not you. I'm sorry, it's RACH: When you were in China.
just, it's this thing. It's probably not as bad as it GUY: Alright, fine. [on the phone] I'll call you back. [hands
sounds but this friend of mine is, is getting a cat the phone to her] ROSS: China.
with his girlfriend.
RACH: Thank you. OK. [dials] [to Michael] Machine. Just RACH: Meeting Julie.
MICH: Oh, that does sound. . .Ahh. waiting for the beep.
ROSS: Julie. Julie. That. Oh God. Julie, right. OK, I
RACH: I mean he just started going out with her. MICH: Good. need to lie down. No, ya know, I'm gonna stand. I'm
gonna stand, I'm gonna walk, I'm walkin' and I am
MICH: Is this guy, uhh, an old boyfriend? RACHEL: [on phone] Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling standing. OK so you uh, and now wha... and now, now,
to say that um, everything's fine and I'm really happy for now you're over me?
RACH: Ah, hah-hah-hah-ho, yeah, he wishes. Oh, you and your cat who, by the way, I think you should name
I'm sorry, look at me. OK, Michael, let's talk about Michael. And, you know, ya see there I'm thinking of RACH: Are you over me?
you. names so obviously, I am over you. I am over you and that,
my friend, is what they call closure. [hangs up and tosses [A moment of silence.]
MICH: Alright. phone in the ice bucket]
COMMERCIAL BREAK ROSS: [doorbell buzzes] That's, that's Julie. Ju... Julie,
RACH: OK, OK. So, you ever get a pet with a Julie. [talks on intercom] Hi Julie.
girlfriend? [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is
answering the door in his robe.] JULIE: [over intercom] Hi honey, I've got a cab
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are sitting waiting.
on the couch.] CHAN: No, no, no, no, no, no [opens door to Monica] No.
Monica, it's Sunday morning. I'm not running on a Sunday. ROSS: [perky] I'll be right down.
PHOE: So, I figured it out.
MNCA: Why not? RACH: Wait, so, you're going?
JOEY: What?
CHAN: Because it's Sunday. It's God's day. ROSS: Well, OK, I uh, I have to. I can't deal with this
PHOE: Why Scott doesn't want to sleep with me. right now. I mean, I've uh, y'know, I've got a cab, I've
It's 'cause I'm not sexy enough. MNCA: OK, if you say stop, then we stop. got a girlfriend, I'm... I'm gonna go get a cat.
JOEY: Phoebe, that's crazy. When I first met you, CHAN: OK, stop. RACH: OK, OK.
you know what I said to Chandler? I said,
"Excellent butt, great rack." MNCA: No, c'mon, we can't stop, c'mon, we've got three ROSS: Cat. [leaves]
more pounds to go. I am the energy train and you are on
PHOE: Really? That's so sweet. I mean, I'm board. Woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo [Chandler walks out [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is
officially offended but, sweet. of the apartment, leaving Monica] Woo. watching a rabbi play an electric guitar on TV. Phoebe
enters.]
JOEY: Phoebs look, if you want to know what the [Scene: Rachel and Monica's apartment. Rachel is taking
deal is, you're just gonna have to ask him. asprin. Ross enters.] PHOE: Hey Joey.
PHOE: You're right, you're right. Ah, you are so ROSS: Hey Rach. JOEY: Hey Phoebs.
yumm. [they hug]
RACH: Ahhhh. PHOE: How come you're watching a rabbi play electric
[Outside the window, Monica and Chandler jog up. guitar?
Monica playfully pushes him. They start puching ROSS: Oh. And how was the date?
and slapping harder and harder until Monica JOEY: I can't find the remote. [Phoebe turns off the
pushes him down. Chandler stands up, with a RACH: Umm, I think there was a restaurant... I know TV] Thank you.
serious expression, and chases her away.] there was wine. . .
PHOE: So, Scott asked me to come over for lunch
[Scene: Back in the restraunt. Rachel pours the [Rachel looks at Ross as though she remembers something, today and I did.
last of the champange bottle in her glass.] but can't place what it is.]
ROSS: Wow, well uh, uh, actually, Julie's downstairs JOEY: And?
RACH: [obviously drunk] I mean, it's a cat, y'know, getting a cab, I just need the cat toy, did Monica say. . .
it's a cat. Why can't they get one of those bugs, What? Why, why are you looking at me like that? PHOE: And we did.
y'know, one of those fruitflies, those things that
live for like a day or something? [belligerently] RACH: I don't know, I, I feel like I had a dream about you JOEY: All right Phoebs, way to go.
What're they called, what're they called, what're last night but I, I don't remember.
they called? PHOE: Yay me.
ROSS: OK. Oh, oh, oh. [runs over and picks up the cat toy]
MICH: Fruitflies? JOEY: So, so how did it happen?
RACH: Did we speak on the phone last night? Did you call
RACH: Yes! Thank you. me? PHOE: Well, I finally took your advice and asked him
what was going on.
[The waiter comes to the table.] ROSS: No, I stayed at Julie's last night.
JOEY: And what did he say?
WAITER: So, would you like any dessert? RACH: Huh.
PHOE: He said that, um, he understands how sex can
MICH: No! No dessert, just a check, please. ROSS: Oh, actually I haven't even been home yet. Do you be like, a very emotional thing for a woman and he was
mind if I check my messages? just afraid that I was gonna get all, y'know, like, 'ohh,
RACH: Oh, you're not having fun, are you? is he gonna call me the next day' and, y'know, 'where
RACH: Oh yeah, go ahead. [Rachel walks in her room. is this going' and, ya know, blah-la-la-la-la. So he said
MICH: No, no, I am, but only because for the last Ross picks up the phone and dials his machine to check his he wanted to hold off until he was prepared to be really
hour and a half I've been playing the movie Diner messages.] serious.
in my head.
ROSS: Rach, I got a message from you. [pauses] Who's JOEY: Wow.
RACH: Oh, look at me, look at me. Oh, I'm on a Michael?
date with a really great guy, all I can think about is PHOE: Yeah, so I said, "OK, relax please," y'know, I
Ross and his cat and his... Julie. I just want to get [Rachel comes out of her room, suddenly she remembers mean, sex can be just about two people right there in
over him. gosh, why can't I do that? leaving the message.] the moment, y'know, it's, if he wants to see me again
RACH: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the he can call and if not, that's fine too. So after a looooot
MICH: Oy. Look, I've been through a divorce, phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give of talking. . . I convinced him.
trust me you're gonna be fine. You just can't see it me the phone, give me the. . . [jumps the couch and lands
now because you haven't had any closure. on Ross's back, finally getting the phone from him. Ross JOEY: Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to
has a confused expression on his face.] sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call
RACH: Yeah! Closure. That's what it is, that's you again, and he got you thinking this was a great
what I need. God, you're brilliant! Why didn't I ROSS: You're over me? idea.
think of that? How do I get that?
RACH: Ohhhhhhhh God. [climbs off his back] PHOE: Um-hum.
MICH: Well, you know, there's no one way really,
it's just, you know, whatever it takes so that you ROSS: Wha... you're uh, you're, you're over me? JOEY: This man is my God.
can finally say to him, "I'm over you."
RACH: Ohh, ohh. [Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is closing up and Ross
RACH: Closure, that's what it is. Closure. [she comes in. Get your Kleenex.]
looks around the restaurant, spotting a guy with a ROSS: When, when were you... under me? Rach. Rachel
cellular phone] Hello, excuse me. Excuse me, do you, I mean, were you, uh. . . What? RACH: Hi.
hel. . . woo [she almost falls out of her chair]
RACH: Ohh, OK, OK, OK, well, basically, lately, I've uh, ROSS: I didn't get a cat.
GUY: Hang on. I've uh, sort of had feelings for you.
RACH: Oh, that's um, interesting.
RACH: Hello, excuse me. ROSS: You've had feelings for me?
ROSS: No, no it's not interesting. OK, it's very, very
GUY: What. RACH: Yeah, what, so? You had feelings for me first. not interesting. In fact it's actually 100 percent
completely opposite of interesting.
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CHAN: I mean, if it were me, I think I'd have difficulty just one who he loves truly? Or will it be the one who we'll
RACH: Alright, I got it Ross. getting out of bed at all. call Ju...Loolie? He must decide, he must decide, even
though I made him up, he must decide!
ROSS: You had no right to tell me you ever had MNCA: Y'know, I try to stay positive. . . [Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's (RTST) office. Monica is there
feelings for me. about a job.]
CHAN: So, you feel like goin' for a run? RTST: This is a nice resume. Nice, nice, nice. Muy
RACH: [hurt] What? impressivo.
MNCA: Alright. MNCA: So, Mr. Rastatter, what exactly does this job
ROSS: I was doing great with Julie before I found entail? The ad wasn't too clear.
out about you. CHAN: Because, you know, you don't have to. If you want, RTST: Mockolate.
you could just take a nap right here. MNCA: I'm sorry?
RACH: Hey, I was doin' great before I found out RTST: Mockolate. It's a completely synthetic chocolate
about you. You think it's easy for me to see you MNCA: OK. Just for a little while. substitute.
with Julie? MNCA: Ohh.
CHAN: OK. [Puts an afghan over her and dances into his [He pulls out a piece of Mockolate.]
ROSS: Then you should have said something room] RTST: Go ahead. Try a piece. Yeah, we think that
before I met her. END Mockolate is even better than chocolate.
MNCA: All right. Mmm-mmm.
RACH: I didn't know then. And how come you 208 The One With the List [She tastes it, and obviously hates it.]
never said anything to me. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe, Monica, RTST: Yeah?
and Rachel are there, discussing the night before.] MNCA: [disgusted, trying not to show it] I love how it
ROSS: There was never a good time. RACH: Ross kissed me. crumbles. Now see, your chocolate doesn't do that.
MNCA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! RTST: No, ma'am. Well, anyhoo, we should be getting
RACH: Right, you, you only had a year. We only RACH: It was unbelievable! our F.D.A. approval any day now, hopefully, in time for
hung out every night. MNCA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Thanksgiving. See, the way we look at it, chocolate
PHOE: Ok, all right. We want to hear everything. Monica, already dominates most of your major
ROSS: Not, not, not every night. You know, get the wine and unplug the phone. Rachel, does this end food-preparation holidays: Easter, Christmas, what
and... and it's not like I didn't try, Rachel, but well or do we need to get tissues? have you.
things got in the way, y'know? Like, like Italian RACH: Oh, it ended very well. MNCA: [still chewing] Mmm-mmm.
guys or ex-fiances or, or, or Italian guys. PHOE: Oh. RTST: But, we're thinking, given the right marketing,
MNCA: [getting the wine] Do not start without me. Do not we can make Thanksgiving the Mockolate holiday.
RACH: Hey, there was one Italian guy, OK, and do start without me. MNCA: Wow.
you even have a point? PHOE: Ok, all right, let's hear about the kiss. Was it like, RTST: Aren't you going to swallow that?
was it like a soft brush against your lips? Or was it like a, MNCA: Just waiting for it to stop bubbling.
ROSS: The point is I... I don't need this right now, you know, a "I gotta have you now" kind of thing? RTST: Yeah, isn't that great?
OK. It, it's too late, I'm with somebody else, I'm RACH: Well, at first it was really intense, you know. And MNCA: [with false enthusiasm] Mmm.
happy. This ship has sailed. then, oh, god, and then we just sort of sunk into it. RTST: Well, anyhoo, um, we are looking for a couple
PHOE: Ok, so, ok, was he holding you? Or was his hand of chefs who can create some Thanksgiving-themed
RACH: Yeah, what're you saying, you just sort of like on your back? recipes. You think you might be interested?
put away feelings or whatever the hell it was you RACH: No, actually first they started on my waist. And MNCA: Abso...[swallows hard]...lutely. See, I love
felt for me? then, they slid up, and then, they were in my hair. creating new recipes. I love Thanksgiving. And, well,
PHOE/MNCA: Ohhhh. now, I love Mockolate.
ROSS: Hey, I've been doin' it since the ninth [Scene: Ross' apartment. Ross, Chandler, and Joey are RTST: Really?
grade, I've gotten pretty damn good at it. there eating pizza.] MNCA: Especially the after taste, you know, I'll tell ya,
ROSS: And, uh, and then I kissed her. that'll last ya till Christmas.
RACH: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, JOEY: Tongue? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and
alright Ross. ROSS: Yeah. Phoebe are there. Monica is suggesting Mockolate
JOEY: Cool. recipes to Phoebe.]
ROSS: Fine. Opening Credits MNCA: How about Mockolate mousse?
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler PHOE: It's not, it's not very Thanksgiving-y.
RACH: 'Cause I don't need your stupid ship. are there; Chandler is showing everyone his new MNCA: Ok, how about pilgrim Mockolate mousse?
computer.] PHOE: What makes it pilgrim?
ROSS: Good. CHAN: All right, check out this bad boy. 12 megabytes of MNCA: We'll put buckles on it.
ram. 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet [Rachel enters.]
RACH: Good. [Ross leaves] capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 RACH: Hey.
[Rachel gets up and opens the door, yelling after b.p.s. PHOE: Hey.
him.] PHOE: Wow. What are you gonna use it for? MNCA: Hey.
RACH: And ya know what, now I've got closure. CHAN: [doggedly] Games and stuff. RACH: Did uh, Ross call?
MNCA: [reading the paper] There are no jobs. There are MNCA: No, I'm sorry.
[Rachel slams the door and locks it. She sits down, no jobs for me. RACH: Why didn't he call? He's gonna stay with Julie,
visibly upset. She puts her head in her hands and JOEY: [reading over her shoulder] Wait, here's one. Uh, isn't he? He's gonna stay with her and she's going to be
begins to cry. Ross comes back and is standing would you be willing to cook naked? all, "Hi, I'm Julie, Ross picked me, and we're gonna to
outside the window. When Rachel regroups and MNCA: There's an ad for a naked chef? get married, have a lot of kids and dig up stuff
gets back up to finish closing, she sees him. She JOEY: No, but if you're willing to cook naked, then you together."
smiles. She goes to open the door and can't get might be willing to dance naked. And then... [rubs his PHOE: No offense, but that sounds nothing like her.
the lock undone.] fingers together] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is up in
[Ross enters, distraught.] arms about the Rachel/Julie situation.]
ROSS: Try the bottom one. ROSS: Hi. ROSS: I don't know what to do. What am I gonna do?
PHOE: Hey, oh, so, um...how'd you make out last night? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare.
[She opens the door and they kiss.] ROSS: That, that is funny. That is painfully funny. No, wait. CHAN: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh, no. Two
Wait, yeah, that's just painful women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler MNCA: Wait a minute. I thought last night was great. wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes
answers the door to find Monica.] ROSS: Yeah, it was, but...I get home, ok, and I see Julie's are too tight.
saline solution on my night table. And I'm thinking to JOEY: Hey, here's a thought, Ross. [reaches for the
CLOSING CREDITS myself, oh my god, what the hell am I doing? I mean, here computer]
I am, I am with Julie, this incredible, great woman, who I CHAN: Don't touch the computer. Don't ever touch
CHAN: Monica, it's 6:30 in the morning. We're not care about and who cares about me, and I'm like, what, am the computer.
working out, it's over. I just gonna throw all that away? JOEY: Ross, listen. I got two words for you.
JOEY: You got all that from saline solution? Threesome.
MNCA: No way, with one pound to go, c'mon. MNCA: We are talking about Rachel here. You and Rachel. [Ross gives him an insulted look.]
We're workin', we're movin', we're in the zone ROSS: Believe me, I've been dreaming about me and CHAN: Ok, all right, look. Let's get logical about this,
we're groovin'. Rachel for ten years now. But now, I'm with Julie, so it's ok? We'll make a list. Rachel and Julie, pros and cons.
like me and Julie, me and Rachel, me and Julie, me and... Oh. We'll put their names in bold, with different fonts,
CHAN: OK, I don't, I don't mind the last pound. [Rachel enters, carrying a tray]... Rachel. Rachel, Rachel. and I can use different colors for each column.
OK, in fact I kind of like the last pound. OK, so RACH: [to Ross] Hey, you. ROSS: Can't we just use a pen?
don't make me do anything that I'll regret. ROSS: How are you? CHAN: No, Amish boy.
RACH: Good. How are you? JOEY: Ok, let's start with the cons, 'cause they're
MNCA: Ooh, what'cha gonna do, fat boy, huh? ROSS: Good. more fun. All right, Rachel first.
What? [Julie enters.] ROSS: I don't know. I mean, all right, I guess you can
JULIE: Hi, honey. say she's a little spoiled sometimes.
CHAN: Nothing, except tell you, uh, I think it's ROSS: Hi, Julie. [nervous] Hi, Julie. Julie, um, how are JOEY: You could say that.
wonderful how much energy you have. you? ROSS: And I guess, you know, sometimes, she's a
JULIE: Good. little ditzy, you know. And I've seen her be a little too
MNCA: Well, thanks. ROSS: [uncomfortable] Good, so everybody's here. into her looks. Oh, and Julie and I, we have a lot in
Everybody's good. So, were you gonna play something, common 'cause we're both paleontologists, but
CHAN: I mean, especially considering how tough Phoebe? Rachel's just a waitress.
it's been for you to find work. PHOE: Oh, well, actually. CHAN: Waitress. Got it. You guys wanna play Doom?
ROSS: [impatient] Play it. Or we could keep doing this. What else?
MNCA: Well, you know. PHOE: Ok, all right. ROSS: I don't know.
JOEY: Hey, Julie, I didn't know you wore lenses. JOEY: Oh, her ankles are a little chubby.
CHAN: You know, I mean, you can't tell your JULIE: What? CHAN: Ok, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her?
parents you were fired because they'd be ROSS: [to Joey] Ssshh. ROSS: [long pause] She's not Rachel.
disappointed. PHOE: Ok, um, hi, hello, hi, ok, so, um, this is a song [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica has
about a love triangle between three people that I made up. made food for Phoebe and Rachel to taste.]
MNCA: [sad] Uh-huh. Um, it's called, um, "Two of Them Kissed Last Night". MNCA: Ok, this is pumpkin pie with mockolate cookie
[Ross and Rachel look at each other and then at Phoebe, crumb crust. This is mockolate cranberry cake, and
CHAN: And it's not as if you have a boyfriend's realizing the song is about their situation.] these are mockolate chip cookies. Just like the Indians
shoulder to cry on. PHOE: [singing] There was a girl, we'll call her Betty, and a served.
guy let's call him Neil. Now I can't stress this point too [Rachel takes a bite.]
MNCA: Well no, but um. strongly, this story isn't real. Now our Neil must decide, RACH: Oh my god.
who will be the girl that he casts aside. Will Betty be the MNCA: Oh my god good?
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RACH: Oh my god, I can't believe you let me put ROSS: No, Rach, come on. Rach! Rach, no, no! She's not MNCA: Sure, what? Ok, ok. [hangs up the phone] [to
this in my mouth. Rachel, she is, she is not, Ra--Rachel? Rachel] Music?
[Rachel runs to the sink to spit it out.] [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe [Monica turns on the radio.]
PHOE: Oh, oh sweet Lord! This is what evil must are there.] RADIO: The next one's dedicated to Rachel from Ross.
taste like! CHAN: My diary! My diary, that's brilliant. I should have Rachel, he wants you to know he's deeply sorry for
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler told her it was my diary, she never would have made me what he did and he hopes you can find it in your heart
is on the phone with a computer hotline.] read her my diary. to forgive him. (With or Without You plays)
CHAN: I'm telling you this thing won't print. Yes, I MNCA: You know, that's true. You'd be a great person to [Rachel seems touched. She pauses for a moment,
pressed that button like 100 times. You know, for a have around the day after an emergency. then picks up the phone and starts to dial. Cut to Ross
hot line you are not so hot. What? What is that in PHOE: I... I cannot believe Ross even made this list. What at his apartment.]
the background? Are you watching Star Trek? a dinkus. RADIO: Uh, we've just gotten a call from Rachel, and
[Ross enters with a melancholy look.] JOEY: Hey, cut him some slack. It was Chandler's idea. she told us what Ross did. It's pretty appalling, and
JOEY: [to Ross] Hey, so how'd it go with Julie? Did PHOE: What? Ross, if you're listening, I don't wanna play your song
you, did you break her heart? MNCA: What? anymore. Why don't we devote our time to a couple
ROSS: Yes, it was horrible. She cried. I cried. She CHAN: Oh good, I was hoping that would come up. that stands a chance? Avery, Michelle's sorry she hit
threw things, they hit me. Anyway, I did the right MNCA: This was your idea? you with her car and she hopes you two will work it
thing. PHOE: What were you thinking? out.
CHAN: [in phone] So, Spock actually hugs his CHAN: [squirming] All right, let's get some perspective [Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's office. Monica is there.]
father? here, ok? These things, they happen for a reason. RTST: Hi, thanks for coming in again.
[Rachel enters.] MNCA: Yeah. You! MNCA: Oh, not at all. I have no morals and I need the
RACH: Hey, do you guys have...[sees Ross, CHAN: All right, Pheebs, back me up here, ok? You believe cash.
pauses]...hi. in that karma crap, don't you? RTST: It's like I'm lookin' in a mirror. Anyway, they're
ROSS: Hi. PHOE: Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next life as a called "fishtachios". They taste exactly like pistachios,
RACH: [sees his coat on] Where you goin'? dung beetle. but they're made primarily of reconstituted fish bits.
ROSS: I uh, I just got back from uh, from Julie's. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting Here, try one. You're not allergic to anything, are you?
RACH: [dejected] Oh. on the couch, eating candy. It is raining out. Ross climbs up MNCA: Cat hair.
ROSS: No, no, uh, it's not what you think. It's um the fire escape and is knocking on the window.] RTST: Oh, sorry.
the other thing. ROSS: Rach! Whoops! Rach, hey, open up, please! END
RACH: Well, what's the other thing, what do I RACH: [coldly] When somebody does not buzz you in,
think? Ross, that means go away. That doesn't mean please climb 209 The One With Phoebe's Dad
[Joey is looking at Rachel, smiling, and gesturing up the fire escape.
his head towards Ross.] ROSS: I just wanna read something. It's your pro list. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica,
ROSS: Well, uh. RACH: Not interested. Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is looking
JOEY: He broke up with Julie. Well, go hug her, [Rachel closes the drapes over the window, goes into her out the window.]
for god's sakes. bedroom and closes the door.]
RACH: Really? ROSS: [reading his list] Ok, ok, number one: The way you PHOEBE: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ugly Naked Guy is
ROSS: Really. It's always been you, Rach. cry at game shows. Number two: how much you love your decorating his tree. Oh my God, you should see the
[Ross and Rachel hug.] friends. Number three: the way you play with your hair size of his Christmas Balls.
RACH: Oh, god. when you're nervous. Number four: how brave you are for
JOEY/CHAN: Ohhh. starting your life over. Number five: how great you are with [Chandler and Joey enter.]
RACH: Oh, oh, this is good, this is really good. Ben.
ROSS: I know, I know, it's, it's almost...[turns [Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter, confused.] JOEY: Hey.
around, sees Chandler and Joey] What do you say ROSS: Number six: the way you smell.
we go take a walk, just us, not them? JOEY: [opens the drapes] Hey, Ross! What are you doin'? CHANDLER: Hey.
RACH: Let me get my coat. ROSS: Hey, Joey. You wanna open the window?
ROSS: Ok. No, hey, whoa, whoa, I'll get your JOEY: Oh, yeah, I do. RACHEL: Hey.
coat. [He opens the window, Ross comes in, soaked.]
[Ross leaves.] CHAN: What are you doing out there? JOEY: Hey, how much did you guys tip the super this
RACH: Ok, he's goin' to get my coat. He's goin' to ROSS: I am, uh, I am... year?
get my coat. Oh my god, you guys. I can't believe MNCA: Oh, you must be freezing. You know what you
this. This is unbelievable. [notices Chandler's need? How about a nice steaming cup of hot Mockolate? CHANDLER: Yeah, we were gonna give fifty, but if
computer screen] What's that? [Ross runs to Rachel's bedroom, knocking on the door.] you guys gave more, we don't wanna look bad.
CHAN: [nervous] What? Nothing. ROSS: Rach, come on, open up. Rach, come on, come on,
[Chandler closes up the laptop computer screen.] Rach. You got to give me another chance. MONICA: Oh, actually this year we just made him
RACH: What's that? What? I saw my name. What [Rachel opens the door.] homemade cookies.
is it? RACH: No.
CHAN: No, no, see? See? [the printer starts to run] ROSS: No? CHANDLER: And twenty-five it is.
Hey, it's printing. [to Joey, rattled] Hey, it's RACH: That's what I said.
printing! CHAN: Look, maybe we should go? JOEY: You gave him cookies?
[Chandler rips off the sheet of paper from the RACH: No, you guys, you really don't have to go, we're
printer.] done talking. MONICA: Money is so impersonal. Cookies says
RACH: Well what is it? Let me see. ROSS: Rach, come on, look, I know how you must feel. someone really cares. . . Alright, we're broke, but
[Ross walks back in, Rachel's coat in hand.] RACH: [near tears] No, you don't, Ross. Imagine the worst cookies do say that.
ROSS: Hey, someone order a coat? things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if
RACH: Ross, Chandler wrote something about me the one person that you trusted the most in the world not PHOEBE: I can see that. A plate of brownies once told
on his computer and he won't let me see. only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not me a limerick.
ROSS: He won't? [remembers what it is] He won't! to be with you.
Because, isn't that, isn't that the, the short story ROSS: No, but, but I wanna be with you in spite of all CHANDLER: Phoebs, let me ask you something, were,
you were writing? those things. were these, uh, funny brownies?
CHAN: Yes, yes it is, short story, that I was RACH: Oh, well, that's, that's mighty big of you, Ross. [to
writing. the others] I said don't go! PHOEBE: Not especially. But you know what, I think
RACH: And I'm in it? Then let me read it. ROSS: You know what? You know what? If, things were they had pot in them.
CHAN, JOEY, ROSS: No! the other way around, there's nothing you could put on a
RACH: Come on. list that would ever make me not want to be with you. ROSS: So you guys, who else did you tip with cookies?
JOEY: Hey, uh, why don't you read it to her? RACH: Well, then, I guess that's the difference between us.
[Ross and Chandler stare angrily at Joey, who See, I'd never make a list. RACHEL: Uhh, the mailman, the super.
thinks he has come up with a good idea.] [She closes the door in his face. Ross walks sullenly back to
CHAN: [through gritted teeth] Alright. [clears his the couch and sits down. A moment of silence ensues.] [There's a bang at the door.]
throat] "It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel JOEY: [quietly] I never know how long you're supposed to
was there. A lonely gray couch. 'Oh, look,' cried wait in this type of a situation before you can talk again, MONICA: Oh, and the newspaper delivery guy.
Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The you know? [Ross stares blankly at him] Maybe a little
end." longer. [Joey opens the door and picks up the remnants of the
ROSS: That's it? That's all you wrote? You're the [Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's office. Monica is there.] newspaper.
worst writer in the whole world. MNCA: Now, in some of these recipes, the quantities may
RACH: All right, you know what? This isn't funny seem just a little unusual, uh, like these coconut mockolate JOEY: Oh my God.
anymore. There's something about me on that holiday nut bars. I've indicated four cups of coconut, and
piece of paper and I want to see it. four cups of crushed nut, and only, uh, one tablespoon of RACHEL: What?
ROSS: No, you don't. mockolate.
RACH: All right, you know what, that's fine. If you RTST: Doesn't matter. JOEY: Uhhh, I don't think you're gonna like this.
guys want to be children about this, that's fine. I MNCA: What?
do not need to see it. [Rachel grabs the paper and RTST: Our FDA approval didn't come through. Something [Joey shows them the torn-up newspaper.]
runs across the room, reading it to herself.] about laboratory rats.
RACH: What is this? Ross, what is this? MNCA: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. RACHEL: Ooh, goooosh, ooh, these are cookies
CHAN: Good luck. RTST: Yeah, well, anyhoo, here is your check. [hands it to smashed in the sports section.
[Chandler and Joey leave quickly.] her] Thank you for all the trouble you went through. Um,
ROSS: Ok, just, just remember how crazy I am listen, you didn't eat a lot of it while you were cooking, did MONICA: Oh look, and he did my crossword puzzle.
about you, ok? you?
RACH: Kind of ditzy? Too into her looks? Spoiled? MNCA: Well, uh, I ate some. ROSS: Yeah, but not very well, unless 14-across,
ROSS: Now that's a little spoiled. He was RTST: Oh, some, that's fine. Some is fine. Some is not a lot. 'Gershwin musical' actually is
supposed to type "little", the idiot. So, it doesn't burn when you pee, does it? bitemebitemebitemebiteme.
RACH: Just a waitress? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and
ROSS: No, that, that was, I mean, as opposed to Rachel are there.] OPENING TITLES
uh, the uh, ok. Is this over yet Rach? (phone rings)
RACH: Oh! I do not have chubby ankles! MNCA: Hello? [Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Joey are
[Rachel leaves, and Ross follows her into the hall.] [Ross is at his apartment.] seated at couches. Rachel is working behind the
ROSS: No, no, wait, ok, ok, look at the other side. ROSS: Hi. counter.]
Look at Julie's column. RACH: [to Monica] Is that him again? Tell him I'd come to
RACH: She is not Rachem. What the hell's a the phone, but my ankles are weighin' me down. JOEY: I can't believe it's Christmas already. Ya know, I
Rachem? Is that some stupid paleontology word MNCA: [to Ross] Listen, I... I don't think this is the best mean, one day your eatin' turkey, the next thing ya
that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress. time. know, your lords are a-leapin' and you geese are
[She goes into her apartment and slams the door.] ROSS: Look, can, can you do something for me? a-layin'.
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GANG: Joey! MONICA: Just some stuff for the party.
CHANDLER: Which is why geese are so relaxed
this time of year. JOEY: Oh, but when Phoebe has a problem, everyone's all ROSS: Yeah, what're you guys doin' here, aren't you
ears! supposed to be Christmas shopping?
[Ross enters with several bags from shopping.]
[Scene: Phoebe's grandmother's place. Phoebe's MONICA: You guys haven't gotten your presents yet?
ROSS: Hey guys. grandmother is sitting at the table, reading the obituaries, Tomorrow's Christmas Eve, what're ya gonna do?
and crossing out names in the phonebook.]
CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey. CHANDLER: Don't you have to be Claymation to say
GRANDMOTHER: Esther Livingston. [scratches out name] stuff like that?
[Ross approaches Rachel at counter.] Gone.
RACHEL: Oh, by the way Mon, I don't think the
ROSS: Hey Rach. I, uh, got you a little present. [Phoebe enters.] mailman liked your cookies. Here are the ornaments
[Rachel is not impressed]. . I'll open it. It's a Slinky! your mom sent. [hands her a smashed box]
Remember, huh. [sings] Walks down stairs, alone GRANDMOTHER: Hi, Phoe.
or in pairs, everyone knows it's. . . just a big spring. MONICA: Well, maybe the mailman liked the cookies,
Alright, you still mad at me becuase of the PHOEBE: Hi Gram. Whatcha doin'? we just didn't give him enough.
whole. . .
GRANDMOTHER: Oh, just updating the phonebook. JOEY: Monica, pigeons learn faster that you.
RACHEL: Horrible and degrading list of reasons
not to be with me? PHOEBE: Um, gram, um, can I see the pictures of my dad [Ross approaches Rachel, away from everyone else.]
again? ROSS: Hey, Rach, you know what? I think, I think I
ROSS: How 'bout from now on we just call it the know what'll make you feel better. How 'bout you
'unfortunate incident'? [Rachel walks off] Hey GRANDMOTHER: [nervously] Oh. Oh, sure, sure, uh, uh, make a list about me.
Gunther, you got stairs in your place? how come?
RACHEL: Wha... forget it Ross, no, I am not gonna
GUNTHER: Yeah. PHOEBE: Just, you know, to see... um. stand here and make a list of. . .
ROSS: Here, go nuts. [gives him the Slinky and GRANDMOTHER: Oh, sure, yeah. [gets a box with the ROSS: C'mon Rachel.
goes and sits with others at the couches] pictures] This is the one of you father in a meadow, and,
uh, helping a little boy fly a kite, and here he is at a RACHEL: OK, you're whiney, you are, you're
ROSS: Hey guys. graduation. . . another graduation. . . another graduation. obsessive, you are insecure, you're, you're gutless, you
know, you don't ever, you don't just sort of seize the
CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey. PHOEBE: OK, is this really my father? day, you know. You like me for what, a year, you didn't
do anything about it. And, uh, oh, you wear too much
CHANDLER: What's in the bag? GRANDMOTHER: Is it really your fa--I can't... well of of that gel in your hair.
course it is.
ROSS: Um, just some presents. ROSS: See there, you uhh, alright, ya, you did what I
PHOEBE: OK, I smell smoke. Maybe that's 'cause said.
JOEY: C'mon show us what you bought. . . You someone's pants are on fire.
know you want to. RACHEL: Yeah, and you know what? You're right, I do
GRANDMOTHER: Look, I. . . feel better, thank you Ross. [she walks off and Ross
ROSS: [childishly] OK. OK, this is a picture frame puts his hand to his hair]
from Ben to my parents, huh. PHOEBE: Ya know, in all the years that we have been
grandmother and granddaughter, you have never lied to [Scene: Back at Phoebe's. She is on the phone]
MONICA: Cute. me.
PHOEBE: Yeah, um, in Albany, can I have the number
ROSS: I got some, uh, hers and hers towels for GRANDMOTHER: Alright, that is not your father, that's of Frank Buffay. . . OK, um, in Ithica. . . alright, um,
Susan and Carol. And, uh, I got this blouse for just a picture of a guy in a frame. Saratoga. . . Oneonta. Alright, you know what, you
mom. shouldn't call youself information. [hangs up]
PHOEBE: Oh God.
[Ross holds up the blouse. It is extremely tacky, [Phoebe's grandmother enters]
with sewn-on medals hanging off of it.] GRANDMOTHER: It was your mother's idea. Ya know,
she didn't want you to know your real father because it GRANDMOTHER: Hey.
MONICA: Ross, that is gorgeous! hurt her so much when he left, and, I didn't want to go
along with it, but, well then she died and, and it was harder PHOEBE: Hello grandma, if that is in fact your real
ROSS: Yeah? to argue with her. Not impossible, but harder. name.
MONICA: Look at these authentic fake medals. I PHOEBE: Alright, so, what, he's not a famous tree GRANDMOTHER: C'mon now Phoe, don't still be mad
tell ya, mom's gonna be voted best dressed at the surgeon? And then, I guess, OK, he doesn't live in a hut in at me. How's it going?
make-believe military academy. Burma where there's no phones?
PHOEBE: Well, not so good. Upstate's pretty big, he's
[Phoebe enters.] GRANDMOTHER: Last I heard, he was a pharmacist pretty small, you do the math.
somewhere upstate.
PHOEBE: Hey. GRANDMOTHER: Well, I think you're better off
PHOEBE: OK, that makes no sense. Why would the without him. Oh honey, I know he's your daddy but,
GANG: Hey. Hi Phoebe. villagers worship a pharmacist? but to me he's still the irresponsible creep who
knocked up your mom and stole her Gremlin.
PHOEBE: Happy Christmas Eve Eve. [sees Ross's GRANDMOTHER: Honey.
picture frame] Oh my God, where did you get this? PHOEBE: No I just, just wanted to know who he was,
PHOEBE: [realizes] Oh. ya know.
ROSS: Uh, Macy's, third floor, home furnishings.
GRANDMOTHER: Anyway, that's all I know. That, and GRANDMOTHER: I know. OK, I wasn't completely
PHOEBE: This is my father, this is a picture of my this. [pulls apart a frame and pulls a picture out] This is the honest with you when I told you that, uh, I didn't know
dad. real him. exactly where he lived.
CHANDLER: Nah, Phoebs, that's the guy that PHOEBE: Oh. PHOEBE: Whattaya mean?
comes in the frame.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel, Chandler, GRANDMOTHER: He lives at 74 Laurel Drive in
PHOEBE: No it isn't, this is my dad, alright, I'll and Joey are decorating the Christmas tree.] Middletown. If you hit the Dairy Queen, you've gone
show you. too far. You can take my cab.
CHANDLER: Ya know I remember my father, all dressed
RACHEL: Phoebe, I thought your dad was in up in the red suit, the big black boots, and the patent PHOEBE: Wow. Thank you.
prison. leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't want
anybody to see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, GRANDMOTHER: Now, remember, nobody else
PHOEBE: No, that's my stepdad. My real dad's the crash into something and wake everybody up. drives that cab.
one that ran out on us before I was born.
RACHEL: Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry PHOEBE: Uh-huh, got it. Ooh, I'm gonna see my dad.
RACHEL: How have you never been on Oprah? Christmas. Wish me luck, Grandpa! [blows a kiss to a picture of
Einstein]
PHOEBE: [showing her pictures] OK, look, see, CHANDLER: Who said anything about Christmas? Commercial
this is him. My mother gave me this picture before [Scene: Chandler is standing on a street corner
she died, same guy. [Monica and Ross enter.] waiting for Phoebe in the cab. Joey walks up.]
MONICA: Honey, uh, this is a picture of the frame MONICA: Hi. JOEY: Phoebe here with the cab yet?
guy posing in front of a bright blue screen with a
collie. ROSS: Hey, anyone hear from Phoebe yet? CHANDLER: Yeah, she, she brought the invisible
cab. . . hop in.
PHOEBE: It's not a blue screen... it's just, maybe RACHEL: No, nothin'.
it was just really clear that day. OK, I have to talk JOEY: Well she better get here soon, the outlet stores
to my grandmother. [turns to leave] MONICA: I hope she's OK. close at 7.
MONICA: Oh, wait a minute honey. JOEY: Yeah, I know exactly what she's goin' through. CHANDLER: Hey, don't worry. I figure it'll be 2 hours
to Phoebe's dad's house, they'll meet, they'll chat,
GANG: Phoebs. [Phoebe leaves] MONICA: How do you know exactly what she's going they'll swap life stories, we'll still have plenty of time.
through?
MONICA: Wow. [Phoebe drives up in the cab]
JOEY: She told us.
JOEY: So anyway, I'm trying to get my boss's JOEY: Hey, here she comes.
ex-wife to sleep with me. . . CHANDLER: So whaddya got there Monica?
CHANDLER: Hey.
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Season 2
JOEY: Hey. PHOEBE: Wow, this is it, I'm gonna meet my dad. This is [Scene: Outside Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe is
like the biggest thing ever, huh. running back to the cab.]
[Phoebe runs over the curb. Joey gets in the back
seat, Chandler in the front] CHANDLER: Yeah. PHOEBE: OK.
JOEY: Hey. PHOEBE: OK, here I go. I'm goin' in. PHOEBE: Mailbox.
PHOEBE: Can you believe this. In, like, two hours CHANDLER: Alright. CHANDLER: Alright, we're gettin' closer.
I'm gonna have a dad. Eeeshk.
JOEY: Good luck Phoebs. PHOEBE: Uh-huh.
CHANDLER: Eeeshk.
PHOEBE: OK, here I go. . . here I go. . . I'm goin'. [she JOEY: Phoebs, what's goin' on?
JOEY: Yeah, big stuff. just sits in the cab]
PHOEBE: No, it's just like, ya know, it's a whole mess
PHOEBE: OK, let's go. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are having of stuff, ya know. It's like, yesterday, ya know, my dad
their party. All the guests are stripped down because of the was this, like, famous Burma tree surgeon guy and, ya
CHANDLER: OK. heat.] know, now he's a, a pharmacist guy and. . .
PHOEBE: Alright, here, you have to hold this. RACHEL: [answers door] Hi, welcome to our tropical JOEY: Well, maybe he's, maybe he's this really cool
[hands Chandler a piece of paper] Christmas party. You can put your coats and sweaters and pharmacist guy.
pants and shirts in the bedroom.
CHANDLER: OK. [reads paper] Brake left, gas PHOEBE: Yeah, maybe, yeah. You know, and, and I'll
right? ROSS: [sitting at table talking to a girl] It's hard to tell knock on the door and, and he'll hug me and I'll have a
because I'm sweating, but I use exactly what the gel bottle dad. Ya know and I'll, I'll go to his pharmacy and
PHOEBE: Uh-huh, yeah, that's my cheat sheet. says, an amount about the size of a pea. How, how can everyone will be really nice to me 'cause, you know,
that be too much? I'm Franks daughter.
CHANDLER: [grabs for seat belt] Where's my
seat belt? MONICA: [carrying an ice cube tray] Ice, ice, ice squares CHANDLER: Well, so why not go knock?
anyone? Take a napkin. Alright.
PHOEBE: Oh, no no, that side doesn't have one, PHOEBE: Well, 'cause, I mean, what if, what if he's
the paramedics had to cut through it. [Chandler ROSS: Monica, Monica, your guest are turning into jerky, not this great dad guy? I mean, what if, what if he's
jumps out of the car] OK. just still the dirtbag who ran out on my mom and us?
You know what? I've already lost a fake dad this week
CHANDLER: [Chandler gets in the back seat] Hey! MONICA: Really? I'm perfectly comfortable. [one of the and I don't think I'm ready to lose a real one.
guest opens the refrigerator] Hey, hey, hey, get in line
JOEY: Hey. [Phoebe takes off, Joey and Chandler buddy, I was next. [she opens the refrigerator and leans JOEY: Phoebs, that's OK. You took a big step today.
are thrown back in the seat] into it]
PHOEBE: Yeah?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is RACHEL: [answering the door] Mr. Treeger.
preparing for the party with Ross questioning her.] CHANDLER: Yeah, and someday when you're ready,
MR. TREEGER: Uhh, you said there was a party. you'll make it past the hedges.
ROSS: C'mon, just tell me, please, please.
RACHEL: Oh, yeah, well hey, welcome to our sauna. JOEY: Yeah, and when you do, he'll be lucky to have
MONICA: For the sixteenth time, no... I do not you.
think you're obsessive. MR. TREEGER: Ahh, is it hot? My body always stays cool,
probably 'cause I have so much skin. Hey, cheese! PHOEBE: You guys. I'm sorry about your shopping.
[Rachel enters from her room]
[Ross is speaking to Monica and Rachel about tipping the CHANDLER: Oh, that's OK, we'll figure something out.
RACHEL: Oh, gosh, it's hot in here. super.]
ROSS: Alright, alright, here's the chance. Monica give him JOEY: Uh, listen Phoebs, I know you're not goin' in
MONICA: Rach, get the heat. [Rachel holds up cash, Rachel give him your earrings. Something, now, there but do you think it'd be alright if I went in and
her hand with wet fingernail polish] Ross, could anything. used his bathroom? Oh, that's fine, never mind. Cool,
you turn the heat down please? snow, kinda like a blank canvas.
MONICA: No, I will not cave.
ROSS: Sure. By the way, there's a difference [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross, Monica,
between being obsessive and. . . RACHEL: Yeah, I'm with Mon. and Rachel are sitting around after the party. Chandler,
Joey, and Phoebe enter.]
MONICA: Ross, the heat! ROSS: Alright, alright, you know how you say I never seize
the day? Well, alright, even though he's your super, I'm CHANDLER: Ho, ho, ho, holy crap is it hot in here!
ROSS: Fine, OK! Heat, heat, heat, and I'm the seizing. [approaches Mr. Treeger] Mr. Treeger, here is 50
obsessive one. [goes to the radiator and starts bucks, merry Christmas. JOEY: Really, hey, you mind if I turn the heat down?
turning the knob] OK, this way is on, so this is. . .
[breaks off the knob] off. [Gives him the cash.] MONICA: Hey, we could have used that kind of
MR. TREEGER: Oh wow, I didn't get you anything. Here's thinkin' earlier.
RACHEL: Did you just break the radiator? five back.
ROSS: Hey, Phoebs, how'd it go.
ROSS: No, no, I was turnin' the knob and, and. . . ROSS: No no, no, that, that's your Christmas tip, alright.
here it is. Oh, hey, do you think there's a chance you could fix that PHOEBE: Oh, I couldn't go in.
radiator now?
MONICA: Well put it back. MONICA: Honey, I'm sorry.
MR. TREEGER: No can do, like I told the girl, I can't get a
ROSS: It uhh, it won't go back. new knob until Thursday. ROSS: Are you OK?
RACHEL: I'll call the super. MONICA: Ross. PHOEBE: Yeah, yeah, no it's OK 'cause, I mean, I
know he's there, so, that's enough for now.
MONICA: Here, let me try. ROSS: Yeah.
CHANDLER: Hey, guys, it's after midnight, merry
ROSS: Oh, oh that's right, I forgot about your MONICA: [to Ross] Looks like he's playin' baseball. Christmas everyone. [Ross and Phoebe hug, Monica
ability to fuse metal. and Rachel hug, Chandler is left standing]
ROSS: You mean hardball?
MONICA: Hey, it's Funny's cousin, Not Funny. JOEY: Hey, Monica, the knob was broken so I just
MONICA: Whatever. turned it off from underneath, I hope that's alright.
RACHEL: [on phone] Hi, Mr. Treeger. Hi, it's
Rachel Green from upstairs. Yes, somebody, uh, RACHEL: What'cha gonna' do? CLOSING TITLES
broke our knob on the radiator and it's really hot in
here. Yes, it's, it's hot enough to bake cookies. ROSS: Excuse me, I'm seizing. Mr. Treeger, here's another [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and
Well, do you think we could have a new one by 6? 50, happy Hanukkah. Will uh, will this help with the knob Chandler are giving out their Christmas presents out of
Wha t, no, no, Tuesday, we can't wait until getting? a cardboard box from a case of motor oil.]
Tuesday, we're having a party tonight.
MR. TREEGER: No, the place is not open 'till Tuesday. Am JOEY: Rach, these are for you.
ROSS: OK, tip the man. I not saying it right.
RACHEL: Wiper blades. I don't even have a car.
MONICA: No, if he doesn't like our cookies, too MONICA: So, wait, you really did like my cookies?
bad, I am not gonna be blackmailed. Look if worse JOEY: No, but with this new car smell, you'll think you
comes to worse, it gets a little warm, we'll call it a MR. TREEGER: Oh, yeah, they were so personal, really do.
theme party. showed you cared.
CHANDLER: OK, Phoebs, your turn.
ROSS: Hey, here's a theme: Come on in, live like RACHEL: Nice seizing. . . gel boy.
bacon. PHOEBE: Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that what you
MR. TREEGER: [to Rachel who is standing under were doing while I was getting gas?
[Scene: Outside Phoebe's dad's house. The cab mistletoe] So, uh, is this, uh, mistletoe?
pulls up.] JOEY: Uh-huh.
RACHEL: Huh-huh, no act--no, uhh, that, that is basil.
PHOEBE: Ooh, this is it, 74. [screeches to a halt, PHOEBE: You guuuyys.
Joey and Chandler are thrown into the plexiglass MR. TREEGER: Ahh, if it was mistletoe, I was gonna kiss
wall in the cab] ya. JOEY: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth.
CHANDLER: Oh, so that's what this is for. RACHEL: Huh-hoo, yeah, no, it's still basil. ROSS: You got me a cola drink?
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Season 2
weekend. for Thursday.
CHANDLER: And, a lemon lime. PHOE: Cabin of loooooovvvvve. ESTL: Joey, have you ever seen me ecstatic?
RACH: We went through a lot of wine tonight, you guys. JOEY: No.
ROSS: Well this, this is too much, I feel like I [walks over to table, holding five empty wine bottles] ESTL: Well, here it is. [She almost smiles.]
should get you another sweater. MNCA: Really? I only had two glasses. JOEY: OK, uh.... listen, there's something I want to
JOEY: I just had a glass. talk to you about. The network casting lady...
CHANDLER: And last but not least. PHOE: Two. ESTL: Oh, isn't Lori a doll?
RACH: I had one glass. JOEY: Oh yeah, yeah, she's great, but... I kinda got
[Chandler and Joey give Monica a pack of CHAN: I had about a mugful in this lovely 'I got boned at the feeling that she was sort of... coming on to me.
condoms.] the Museum of Natural History' mug. And I definitely would get the part if I would've... you
JOEY: They're ribbed for your pleasure. RACH: OK, so that's... that's what, two bottles? And yet know... if I would have sent the Little General in.
somehow we went through five? ESTL: Oh, I see. Well, I'm just gonna put in a call here
[Ross and Monica trade their gifts.] [All look towards door Fun Bobby left through.] and we'll find out what's goin' on and straighten it out.
END ROSS: Oooooh. [picks up the phone] Yeah, hi, Lori please. [pause] Hi
JOEY: [realizing what everyone else did a minute ago] darling. So how 'bout Joey Tribbiani for the part of the
210 The One With Russ Ooooooh. cab driver, isn't he terrific? [pause] Uh-huuuuh. [pause]
[The gang is walking to a newsstand late at night. MNCA: So what. So he drank a lot tonight. Uh-huuuuh. OK, doll. Talk to you later. [hangs up] [to
Joey is anxiously in the lead.] ROSS: Yeah but, you know, now that I think about it, I Joey] Yeah, you're gonna have to sleep with her.
RACH: Joey, would you slow down? They're not don't think I've ever seen Fun Bobby without a... a drink in [Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel at counter,
gonna be sold out of papers at one o'clock in the his hand. Phoebe, Chandler, and Fun Bobby at the couch.]
morning. PHOE: Yeah. Oh, OOOH, yeah, you know, did you notice RACH: What's the matter?
JOEY: I'm excited! I've never gotten reviewed how he always starts his stories with, um, OK, 'I was soooo MNCA: It's Fun Bobby.
before. wasted,' or, 'Oh, we were soooo bombed,' or, ummm, ooh, RACH: What, isn't he sober?
MNCA: You were so amazing as the king. I was ooh, 'So I wake up, and I'm in this dumpster in MNCA: Oh, he's sober alright. Just turns out that Fun
really impressed, I was. Connecticut.' Bobby was fun for a reason.
PHOE: Although, you know what? You might want JOEY: Monica, have you ever been with him when he RACH: Ohhh, OK.
to consider wearing underwear next time. Yeah, wasn't drinking? [Monica returns to couch next to Fun Bobby.]
cause when you sat down on your throne you MNCA: Well, we just happen to go to alot of places where MNCA: Alright, here you go, sweetie. [hands Fun
could kind of see your... royal subject. you might drink. I mean, how do you go to a wine tasting Bobby his coffee]
JOEY: Here it is, here it is. [reading from without having a drink? Or... or to a club, or to the... zoo. FBOB: Thanks. You wanna hear something funny?
newspaper] The only thing worse than the [Scene: Monica, Fun Bobby, and Phoebe sitting in Central MNCA: Oh God, yes!
mindless, adolescent direction was Joseph Perk Rachel is serving them. She brings a mug to Monica.] FBOB: There are no hardware stores open past
Tribbiani's disturbingly unskilled portrayal of the MNCA: Rach, does this have nonfat milk? midnight in the Village.
king. RACH: Ehhhummmm, I don't know, why don't you taste it. PHOE: That is funny.
CHAN: OK, look, that is one guy's opinion, alright. MNCA: [takes a sip] Mmmm, no. FBOB: I needed to buy a hammer the other night, and
Phoebs, read yours. RACH: Oh well, too late, sorry, you already had some. I'm out walkin' around the neighborhood but
PHOE: OK. [reading] The only thing worse than FBOB: [pulls out a flask] Whattaya say we make these, uh, apparently there are no hardware stores open past
the mindless, adolescent direction... coffees Irish? midnight in the Village.
CHAN: Does anyone have one from a different [Phoebe and Rachel look uncomfortable.] MNCA: Ahhh, hey honey? Don't you have to be at your
paper? Ross, read yours. PHOE: Um, cake. interview now?
ROSS: I don't want to. RACH: Yeah, we're gonna... we're gonna get some cake. FBOB: Oh yeah. See you guys. [leaves]
RACH: Joey, honey, they don't know what they're [Phoebe and Rachel go to counter.] CHAN: Bye..... ridiculously dull Bobby.
talking about. MNCA: You know what? It seems like you've been making MNCA: Oh.... my... God.
ROSS: Yeah. an awful lot of stuff Irish lately. PHOE: It's not that bad.
JOEY: Maybe they do. I've been doin' this ten FBOB: Well, I would make them Belgian, but the waffles MNCA: Not that bad? Did you hear the hammer
years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's are hard to get into that flask. story?
gotta be a reason. MNCA: Bobby. PHOE: OK, OK, don't get all squinky.
ROSS: Oh c'mon. Maybe you're just, uhhh... FBOB: Yeah, OK. RACH: Maybe it was just the kind of story where you
paying your dues. MNCA: Look, maybe this is none of my business, or maybe have to be there.
JOEY: No, no, no, it.. it's too hard. It's not worth it. it is, I don't know... but, uh, I'm kind of worried about you. MNCA: But I'm gonna be there... for the rest of my life.
I quit. FBOB: OK, look, this isn't the first time somebody's said I mean, I can't break up with him. I'm the one who
MNCA: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. something to me about this, but, I don't know... I always made him quit drinking. He's dull because of me.
Wait a minute. I believe this will change your made excuses about it, like... uhhh... 'I'm just a social PHOE: Alright, don't say that. He's probably always
mind. [Reads from paper] In a mediocre play, drinker,' or, 'C'mon, it's Flag Day.' been dull. You just, you know, set it free.
Joseph Tribbiana was able to achieve brilliant new MNCA: So, what are you saying now? [Russ enters, walking in behind Chandler.]
levels of... continued on page 153...[turns it] FBOB: I guess I'm saying, I'll try and quit. I kinda like that RUSS: Hi.
sucking. you worry about me. [they hug] CHAN: [turning around] Hey Ross.... bahhhh!
Credits PHOE: [comes back to couch, with cake] Sooo, what's RACH: Hi Russ, I've just got two more tables to clean
[Scene: Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel, Monica goin' on, huh? and then we'll go, OK?
comforting Joey at Monica and Rachel's FBOB: I am gonna try and quit drinking. RUSS: OK, I'll just sit here and... uh... chat with your,
apartment.] PHOE: [sad] Ooohh, why? uh.... friend-type....people.
JOEY: When I was little, I wanted to be a [Chandler and Joey enter.] [Phoebe walks up to Rachel, cleaning tables.]
veteranarian, but then I found out you had to put CHAN: Hey. PHOE: Rachel? Um, hi.
your hands into cows and stuff. JOEY: Hey. RACH: Hi.
[Ross enters, depressed.] MNCA: Hey. PHOE: OK, so, you know what you're doing, right?
ROSS: [sullenly] Hiiiiii. PHOE: Hey. RACH: Uhh.... waitressing?
PHOE: Are... are you OK? CHAN: Guess who's back in show business. PHOE: Well, yeah, but... no. I mean, umm... doesn't....
ROSS: Yeah, yeah, just a tough day at work. A PHOE: Ohh, ohh, Lorne Green? doesn't Russ just remind you of someone?
stegosaurus fell over and trapped a kid. Whoa, CHAN: No, no, Phoebs. You know why? Cause he's dead. RACH: [looks at him] Huh, Bob Saget?
whoa, I know this jacket, this is, th--Fun Bobby's PHOE: Oh, no. PHOE: [looks at Russ] Oh, yeah! No, no, no, no, oh,
jacket! Where is he, what. He, he's here, isn't he? CHAN: OK, I guess this is gonna seem kinda bittersweet oh.
MNCA: Maybe. now, but... Joey, that's who. [Phoebe turns back around but Rachel is gone. Ross
ROSS: Don't toy with me. JOEY: Yeah, my agent just called me with an audition for enters.]
[Fun Bobby (FBOB) enters from Monica's Days of Our Lives! PHOE: Oh, my, oh!
bedroom.] PHOE: Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we ROSS: What? What's wrong?
FBOB: Geller! should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme. PHOE: I, OK....
ROSS: Hey, Fun Bobby! CHAN: Hey, yeah... we could all sleep together and then MNCA: She's just upset because she, uh, she buttered
FBOB: Hey. Whoa, hey, you've been working out, one of us could get amnesia. a spider into her toast this morning.
huh? PHOE: Hey Rach, what time do you get off? We're all ROSS: Alright.
ROSS: Not at all! I love this guy. Hey, I was so gonna do something tonight. CHAN: [to Phoebe] Listen, Phoebs, this is gonna be
psyched to hear you're back with my sister! RACH: Ummmm.... well, actually I'm already done, but OK. [introducing Russ and Ross] Ross, Russ. Russ,
MNCA: You and me both. I...I kinda got plans. Ross.
FBOB: Hey, so what'd I miss, what'd I miss, MNCA: [gasps] You have other friends? RUSS: Hi.
c'mon? RACH: Yeah... I, uhh... I have a... I have a date. ROSS: Hi.
PHOE: Oh, we were just trying to make Joey feel MNCA: What? RUSS: Are you a, uh, friend of Rachel's?
better. JOEY: With a man? ROSS: Yes, yes I am. Are you a, uh, a friend of
FBOB: Hey, do you need me to pick you up? RACH: What? What is so strange about me having a date? Rachel's?
JOEY: No, I'm alright man. Really. JOEY: What about Ross? I mean, are you still mad at him RUSS: Actually, I'm a... kind of a.... you know, a...
FBOB: No, I'm picking you up. cause he made that list about you? date-type... thing... of Rachel's.
JOEY: Hey no, seriously, I don't need you to pick RACH: Noooo, no, I'm not mad at him. I'm.. I'm not really ROSS: A date.
me... [Fun Bobby picks Joey up off the ground, anything at him anymore. RUSS: Yeah, I'm her date.
bounces him. Joey laughs.] Alright! It still works. MNCA: What are you talking about? ROSS: Oh, oh, you're... uh... you're, oh you're the
FBOB: OK, now before I go, does anybody else RACH: I don't know. Whatever I was feeling, I'm... not. date.
need to be picked up? [everyone raises their hands] PHOE: But you guys came so close. CHAN: You know, this is actually good, because if we
I'm still gonna go. RACH: Oh, I know, I'm sorry you guys. You're just gonna ever lose Ross, we have a spare.
MNCA: OK, I'll see you later babe. have to get used to the fact that I will not be dating Ross. RUSS: Oh, you are the, uh... paleontologist.
FBOB: Uh, public display of affection coming up. [Russ enters Central Perk. He looks like Ross, except for his ROSS: Yes, yes I am. And you are a....
You can avert your eyes. [kisses Monica] chin and hair (it is David Schwimmer in a dual role).] RUSS: Periodontist.
[Chandler and Joey are watching, Rachel turns RACH: Here he is. Hi. Guys, this is Russ. MNCA: See? They're as different as night and... later
their heads away from Monica.] RUSS: [sounding like Ross] Hhhhiiiii. that night.
FBOB: See ya. [exits] [Everyone looks at each other in amazement.] ROSS: Well, I am going to, uh... get a beverage. It
ALL: Bye! See you later! [Scene: Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Estelle (ESTL) is was nice, nice... uh... meeting you.
PHOE: Fun Bobby is so great. speaking on the phone.] RUSS: Ditto.
MNCA: Oh, isn't he? Oh, you know, I really think ESTL: Stop saying you're not talented, you're very talented. [ROss approaches Rachel at counter.]
this time it may work with him. I mean, he just It's just with the bird dead and all, there's very little act left. ROSS: I, uh, well... I... I met Russ.
makes me feel so good and I've been feeling so Oh, honey, give me a break, will ya? [a knock on the door] RACH: Oh.
lousy this last couple of months, no job, no Oooh, ooh, I'll talk to you later. ROSS: Hey, I didn't know we were, uh, seeing other
boyfriend. Well, at least my cup is half full. [Joey enters.] people.
PHOE: Half full of looooovvvvve. ESTL: Well, there's my favorite client. So tell me darling, RACH: Well, we're not seeing each other, so....
MNCA: And for our two-week anniversary, he's how was the audition? ROSS: Well, uh, for your information, there's a woman
gonna take me to his cousin's cabin for the JOEY: Well, I think it went pretty well. I.. I got a callback at the museum, who's curator of moths and other...
53 of 398 Pages
Season 2
uh... winged things... who's, uh, let it be known ROSS: Oh you do, do you? ROSS: Ok. Here's his diaper bag, and his uh, Mr.
that she is drawn to me much like a... well, you RUSS: Um-hum, you're jealous. Winky, and uh...oh, him. Hi!
know. But so far I've been keeping her at bay, but, ROSS: Of... of what? CAROL: So how did everything go?
uh, if this is the deal... RUSS: You're jealous because I'm a real doctor. ROSS: Oh, great. Great. There was a projectile, uh,
RACH: Well, yeah, this is the deal. ROSS: Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest throwing up incident, but he started it.
ROSS: OK, well, um, have a nice evening. body part you can major in. It's like day one, floss. Day two, CAROL: Well, we've gotta go.
RACH: Um, Russ, you ready? here's your diploma. ROSS: Ok.
RUSS: Yeah. RUSS: Hey, you listen. SUSAN: [clears her throat]
RACH: Bye. ROSS: No, no, let me finish. CAROL: Oh, right. Um, I've got some news. It's about
MNCA: Bye. RUSS: No, let me finish. us.
PHOE: Bye. ROSS: No, you let me fini... ROSS: Oh, you and me?
[Russ and Rachel leave together.] [Rachel walks up behind them.] CAROL: Uh, no, Susan and me.
ROSS: [upset] She's dating. She's dating. ROSS: Hi. SUSAN: The other us.
CHAN: Yes, yes, but did you see who she was RUSS: Hi. ROSS: Ok.
dating? RACH: Ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww! [turns away] CAROL: We're uh, we're getting married.
ROSS: What do you mean? [Scene: Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, and Chandler at Monica ROSS: As in, "I now pronounce you wife and wife"
MNCA: Do you not see it? and Rachel's apartment.] married?
ROSS: See what? I don't know what she sees in... RACH: Did Joey say what he was gonna go when he left? CAROL: Anyway, we'd like you to come, but we totally
innn that goober. And it takes him, what? Like... CHAN: No, I don't even think he knew. Hey, would you understand if you don't want to.
like... I don't know, uhh... uhhh, hello.... a... week, sleep with somebody to get a great job? ROSS: Why wouldn't I want to come? I had fun at the
to get out a sentence. RACH: I don't know. Who would I have to sleep with? first wedding.
CHAN: Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it? CHAN: Me. CAROL: Look I just thought that...
ROSS: ....................Yeah. RACH: Why would I have to sleep with you? ROSS: No no no, I mean, hey, why shouldn't I be
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is CHAN: It's my game. You want the job or not? happy for you? What would it say about me if I couldn't
making marinara sauce and filling every container [Monica enters from her bedroom.] revel in your joy? I'm revelling baby, believe me!
in sight. Chandler enters.] CHAN: Hey. SUSAN: Is your finger caught in that chair?
CHAN: Hey. MNCA: Morning. ROSS: Mmm hmmm.
JOEY: Hey. ROSS: Where ya goin'? CAROL: Want us to go?
CHAN: Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't MNCA: Bobby and I are going away for the weekend, ROSS: Uh-huh.
get the part, or... uh, Italy called and said it was remember? [at Rachel and Monica's]
hungry. ROSS: Ooooohhhh. ROSS: This is so cool. You're actually gonna be on
JOEY: Well, the part's mine if I want it. [Monica pulls out a bag full of airline bottles of liquor.] television.
CHAN: Oh my God! PHOE: What's with all the bottles of liquor? JOEY: It really hit me last night. I'm gonna be on Days
JOEY: Yeah, if I'm willing to sleep with the casting ROSS: What's going on, is... uh, Bobby drinking again? of our Lives. And then I started thinkin' about all of u,
lady. MNCA: Oh no no, this is not for him, this is for me. That and how these are the days of our lives..
CHAN: [not knowing how to react] Oh my... God? way he's still sober but I find his stories about shoelaces MONICA: Yes! Carol and Susan's caterer had a
JOEY: Ten years I've been waiting for a break like much more amusing. mountain bike accident this weekend, and she's in a
this Chandler, ten years! I mean, Days of Our Lives. [Three slow knocks on the door.] full body cast.
That's actually on television. RACH: Oh God, even his knock is boring. ROSS, CHANDLER & JOEY: Yes!
CHAN: So, what're you gonna do? [Monica answers the door. Its Fun Bobby.] MONICA: They want me to do it, which is really cool,
JOEY: Well, I guess I could sleep with her... I MNCA: Hi. I'll be ready in just a second. seeing as I've never catered before, and I really need
mean, how could I do that? FBOB: Uh, can I talk to you a minute? the money, and this isn't a problem for you, is it?
CHAN: Well, I... I've got a pop-up book that told MNCA: Sure. ROSS: Would it matter?
me everything I need to know. [They both step out into the hall.] MONICA: Oh, you are so great! [kisses him] Thank
JOEY: I've never slept with someone for a part. FBOB: This is really hard for me to say. you!
CHAN: Well is she... [reaches into the cookie jar MNCA: Oh God, you fell off the wagon. JOEY: Are you really not going?
for a cookie, takes his hand out, covered with FBOB: Oh, no, no, it's about you. ROSS: I am really not going. I don't get it. They
pasta sauce] MNCA: What about me? already live together, why do they need to get
JOEY: Sorry. FBOB: I think you may have a drinking problem. married?
CHAN: It's alright. Is she good-looking? MNCA: What these? [holding up liquor bottles] Oh, these MONICA: They love each other, and they wanna
JOEY: Yeah, she's totally good looking. I mean, if are, um, for.. cuts and scrapes. celebrate that love with the people that are close with
I met her in a bar, or something, I'd be buying her FBOB: Look, I am just not strong enough to be in a them.
breakfast. [pause] You know, after having slept codependent relationship right now, OK? ROSS: If you wanna call that a reason.
with her. MNCA: Oh... shoot. CHANDLER: [singing to the tune of Mister Rogers'
CHAN: Y'know, maybe this isn't such a big deal. FBOB: Well, anyway, I hope we can be friends. Neighborhood] Who's the bitterest man in the living
Y'know, I mean, the way that I see it is you get a MNCA: OK. room, the bitterest man in the living room? Hi,
great job and you get to have sex. Y'know, I mean, [They hug and kiss.] neighbor.
throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got MNCA: Take care. MONICA: Ross, I thought you were over this.
Christmas. FBOB: You too. ROSS: Look, that has nothing to do with this, ok?
JOEY: I just... I just don't think that I want it that [Fun Bobby leaves and Monica goes back inside.] She's my ex-wife. If she were marrying a guy, none of
way though, y'know? I mean, let's say I do make it, RACH: What happened? you'd expect me to be there.
alright? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if MNCA: Well we... we kinda broke up. JOEY: Hey, if she were marrying a guy, she'd be like
it was because of my talent or because of.. y'know, GANG: Awwwwwwww. the worst lesbian ever.
the Little General. [Ross, Phoebe, Chandler, and Rachel all exchange money.] RACHEL: [entering hurriedly] Did I miss it? Did I miss
CHAN: Didn't you used to call it the Little Major? MNCA: [holding bottles] Does anybody want these? it?
JOEY: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to CHAN: I'll take one. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this JOEY: No, I'm on right after this guy shoots himself.
promote it. and pretend I'm a giant. CHANDLER: Whoa, she's pretty.
[Scene: A restaurant. Fun Bobby and Monica are [Joey enters.] JOEY: Yeah, and she's really nice too. She taught me
ordering.] JOEY: Hey. all about how to work the cameras, and smell-the-fart
WAITER: Can I get you something from the bar? GANG: Hey! acting.
MNCA: Yes, I would like something. [looks at Fun ROSS: How'd the callback go? RACHEL: I'm sorry, what?
Bobby, changes her mind] No, no thank you. JOEY: It was unbelievable! I walked in there and she was MONICA: What?
FBOB: If... if you want to drink, it's OK with me, all over me. JOEY: It's like, you got so many lines to learn so fast,
I've got to get used to it. CHAN: So what'd you do? that sometimes you need a minute to remember your
MNCA: No, no really. I.. I wouldn't feel right about JOEY: Well, I couldn't do it. I told her I didn't want to get next one. So while you're thinkin' of it, you take this big
it. [to waiter] Just some water. the part that way. pause where you look all intense, you know, like this.
FBOB: So the light went out in my refrigerator... ROSS: Good for you. CHANDLER: Oh, ok.
MNCA: [grabs waiter as he's leaving] I'd like a JOEY: But wait, wait, wait. Then, after I left her office, she JOEY: There's my scene, there's my scene. [Joey on tv]
scotch on the rocks with a twist. caught up with me at the elevator and offered me an even "Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler is sitting on the bigger part. neurosurgeon.
couch between Russ and Ross, doing a crossword PHOE: So... and? MRS. WALLACE: Is she gonna be all right?
puzzle.] JOEY: Soooooo... you are now looking at Dr. Drake JOEY: I'm afraid the situation is much worse than we
CHAN: Hey, we're having some fun now, huh, Ramore, neurosurgeon, recurring in at least four episodes! expected. Your sister is suffering from a..subcranial
Ross? Wanna do another one, huh Russ? OK... GANG: Allright! hematoma. Perhaps we can discuss this over coffee.
eleven letters, atomic element number 101... ends JOEY: Alright... I've got to go shower. [leaves] CHANDLER: Nice!
in ium. [Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, Chandler exchange money again.] RACHEL: That's great!
RUSS: Dysprosium. Credits [Scene: Central Perk. Russ enters. Chandler and ROSS: Excellent!
ROSS: [condescendingly] Dysprosium? Try Phoebe are sitting on the couch.] CHANDLER: For a minute there I thought you were
mendelevium. RUSS: Hi. actually tryin' to smell something.
CHAN: And weenie number two has it. Unless, of CHAN: Oh, hey. [Monica and Rachel's]
course, nine-down, Knights in White Satin was PHOE: Hi. ROSS: That is so good! Do it again!
sung by the Doody Blues. RUSS: I guess you guys heard, Rachel dumped me. JOEY: All right, all right. "Damnit Braverman, it's right
[Phoebe and Rachel are at the counter talking.] CHAN: Yeah, I'm sorry man. there on the chart!"
PHOE: You don't see it? You actually don't see it? RUSS: Oh, all she said was that I remind her too much of CHANDLER: That's great. All right, I gotta get to work,
RACH: What? somebody. You have any idea who she's talking about? I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect.
PHOE: OK honey, you're dating Ross. [Chandler and Phoebe feign ignorance.] ROSS: No no, that's me.
RACH: No, Phoebs. I'm dating Russ. PHOE: Oh I do, it's.... it's Bob Saget. She hates him. CHANDLER: Oh, yeah.
PHOE: Russ is Ross. Russ... Ross! RUSS: Oh. ROSS: Oh, hello.
RACH: Steve... sleeve! [Julie... Ross's ex-girlfriend... enters.] PHOEBE: Oh, thanks. I couldn't uh...
PHOE: OK, noone is named Sleeve. JULIE: Hey. ROSS: Is everything ok?
RACH: Phoebe, what the hell are you talking CHAN: Hey! PHOEBE: Um, no, huh-uh. One of my clients died on
about? Other than their names being similar, I'm PHOE: Hey, Julie! Hey, how are you doing? the massage table today.
sorry, I do not see what you're seeing. JULIE: Um, oh, I don't know. I mean, it's definitely weird ROSS: Oh my god.
[They look over at Russ and Ross.] not being with Ross, but I guess I'm doing OK. Actually I've CHANDLER: That's a little more relaxed than you
ROSS: [to Russ] For your information, it's a card got some of his stuff that he, um.... want them to get.
sharp, not a card shark. [Russ and Julie look at each other with love in their eyes. PHOEBE: Yeah, um, she was 82 years old. Her name
RUSS: You could not be more wrong. You could The music builds...] was um, Mrs. Adelman.
try... but you would not be successful. END MONICA: Oh, honey.
CHAN: OK, I'm gonna get some more coffee PHOEBE: Yeah, it's just so strange. I mean, she
before the pinching and eye-poking begins. 211 The One With the Lesbian Wedding probably woke up today and thought, "ok, I'll have
RUSS: I know what your problem is. [at Ross's. Carol and Susan are picking Ben up] some breakfast, and then I'll take a little walk, and
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then I'll have my massage." Little did she know parents got divorced, they sent me to this shrink, and she the wedding.
God was thinking, "Ok, but that's it." Oh, but the told me that all kids have a tendency to blame themselves. ROSS: What?
weirdest thing was, ok, I was cleansing her aura But in your case it's actually kinda true. MONICA: You're still gonna pay me, right? Or
when she died, and when the spirit left her body, I PHOEBE: That's him. something a little less selfish.
don't think it went very far. CHANDLER: Damn. My mail order grandfather hasn't ROSS: Carol, what's the matter? What happened?
RACHEL: What do you mean? come yet. CAROL: My parents called this afternoon to say they
PHOEBE: I think it went into me. MR A: Phoebe? weren't coming.
[Everyone takes a step back from Phoebe] PHOEBE: Yes, hi, Mr. Adelman. Thanks for meeting me. ROSS: Oh my god.
[Central Perk] MR A: Oh, that's all right, although you did cut into my CAROL: I mean, I knew they were having trouble with
MONICA: God, this is so hard. I can't decide busy day of sitting. this whole thing, but they're my parents. They're
between lamb or duck. PHOEBE: Um, do you wanna sit? supposed to give me away and everything.
CHANDLER: Well, of course, lambs are scarier. MR A: Oh, no, please, I spent most of mid-morning trying ROSS: It's ok. I'm sorry.
Otherwise the movie would've been called Silence to stand up. Now uh, what can I do for you, my dear? CAROL: And then Susan and I got in this big fight
of the Ducks. PHOEBE: I don't know how to say this, but I think when because I said maybe we should call off the wedding,
RACHEL: Ok, who ordered what? your wife's spirit left her body, it um, kind of stuck around and she said we weren't doing it for them, we were
ROSS: Oh, I believe I had the half-drunk in me. doing it for us, and if I couldn't see that, then maybe
cappuccino with the lipstick on the rim. MR A: You're saying, my wife is in you? we should call off the wedding. I don't know what to
CHANDLER: Yes, and this with the cigarette butt PHOEBE: Yeah. Ok, you don't have to believe me but um, do.
in it, is that decaf? can you think of any unfinished business she might have ROSS: I uh can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I
RACHEL: Oh god. had, like any reason she'd be hanging around? think Susan's right.
JOEY: I can't believe you're so uptight about your MR A: Well, I don't know what to tell you dear. The only CAROL: You do?
mom comin'. thing I can think of is that she always used to say that ROSS: Look, do you love her? And you don't have to
RACHEL: I know, but it's just it's the first time, before she died, she wanted to see everything. be too emphatic about this.
and I just don't want her to think that because I PHOEBE: Everything? CAROL: Of course I do.
didn't marry Barry, that my life is total crap, you MR A: Everything. ROSS: Well then that's it. And if George and Adelaide
know? PHOEBE: Whoa, that's a lot of stuff. can't accept that, then the hell with them. Look, if my
PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Talk about crap. MR A: Oh, wait, I remember, she also said she wanted to parents didn't want me to marry you, no way that
Try listening to Stella Niedman tell the story of her sleep with me one last time. would have stopped me. Look, this is your wedding. Do
and Rod Steiger for the hundredth time. PHOEBE: I'm sorry, there's laughing in my head. it.
JOEY: Uh, Pheebs, how long do you think this MR A: [to Joey] Worth a shot, huh? CAROL: You're right. Of course you're right.
lady'll be with us? [Joey nods and shrugs.] MONICA: So we're back on?
PHOEBE: I don't know. I mean, she obviously has MRS GREEN: Look at this. CAROL: We're back on.
some kind of unfinished business. [Mrs. Adelman's RACHEL: These are from Halloween three years ago. MONICA: You heard the woman. Peel, chop, devil! I
voice] Sit up! MRS GREEN: Oh, look, here's Barry. Did he have to come can't believe I lost 2 minutes.
MRS. GREEN: [entering] There she is. straight from the office? [at the wedding]
RACHEL: Mom! RACHEL: No, that was his costume. See, he's actually an JOEY: It just seems so futile, you know ? All these
MRS GREEN: Sweetie! So this is where you work? orthodontist, but he came as a regular dentist. women, and nothing. I feel like Superman without my
Oh, it's wonderful! Is it a living room? Is it a MONICA: Um, you guys, you know when I said before, powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot
restaurant? Who can tell? But I guess that's the "thank you, but I don't really need your help"? fly.
fun. RACHEL: Actually, what I think you said was, "don't touch CHANDLER: Well now you understand how I feel
RACHEL: Pretty much. that, and get the hell out of my kitchen." every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding.
MRS GREEN: Monica! You look gorgeous! Last MONICA: Really? Weird. Anyway, see, I planned [Wedding music starts, Phoebe noisily unwraps a piece
time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten. everything really well. I planned and I planned and I of candy.]
RACHEL: This is Joey, and Phoebe, and this is planned. It just turns out, I don't think I planned enough PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Butterscotch? No
Chandler, and you remember Ross. time to actually do it. one? All right, you'll be sorry later.
MRS GREEN: Oh hello, Ross. RACHEL: Hey, Mon, you want some help? [Monica pushes Ben down the aisle in a stroller. Susan
ROSS: Hi, Mrs. Green. [He gets up to shake her MONICA: If you want. is escorted by both her parents. Carol is escorted by
hand, but she ignores him.] PHOEBE: [enters] Hey. What a day. I took her everywhere. Ross.]
MRS GREEN: So, what do you think of my The Museum of Modern Art, Rockefeller Center, Statue of CAROL: Thank you.
daughter in the apron with the big job? Liberty. ROSS: Any time. [He doesn't want to let her go]
RACHEL: Oh Mom! RACHEL: She's still with you? CAROL: Ross. [He lets her go]
MRS GREEN: If you didn't pour the coffee, no PHOEBE: Yeah. I guess she hasn't seen everything yet. I'll MINISTER: You know, nothing makes God happier
one would have anything to drink. be right back, she has to go to the bathroom again. [Takes than when two people, any two people, come together
CHANDLER: Believe me, sometimes that Mrs. Green's chin in her hand and says, in Mrs. Adelman's in love. Friends, family, we're gathered here today to
happens. voice] Oh, such a pretty face. join Carol and Susan in holy matrimony.
MRS GREEN: This is just so exciting. You know, I MRS GREEN: This is so much fun, just the girls. You know PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] Oh my god. Now I've
never worked. I went straight from my father's what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana? seen everything! [Phoebe's voice] Whoa, she's gone.
house to the sorority house to my husband's house. RACHEL: God! She's gone. She's gone! Go ahead, get married. Go,
I am just so proud of you. MONICA: All right, look, nobody's smoking pot around all go.
RACHEL: Really? this food. [At the reception, Monica and Ross watch Carol and
MRS GREEN: Yes. MRS GREEN: That's fine. I never did it. I just thought I Susan getting their picture taken.]
PHOEBE: I know who it is you remind me of. might. So, what's new in sex? MONICA: Would you look at them?
Evelyn Dermer. 'Course, that's before she got the RACHEL: Oh! What's new in sex? ROSS: Yeah, can't help but.
lousy face lift. Now she looks like Soupy Sales. MRS GREEN: The only man I've ever been with is your JOEY: [to a wedding guest] How's that
JOEY: Pheebs, who's Evelyn Dermer? father. pig-in-the-blanket workin' out for you? [the guy nods] I
PHOEBE: I don't know. Who's Soupy Sales? MONICA: I'm dicing, I'm dicing, I don't hear anything. wrapped those bad boys.
[at Rachel and Monica's MRS GREEN: I mean, this is no offense to your dad, PHOEBE: I miss Rose.
MRS GREEN: Oh my god, there's an unattractive sweetie, but I was thinking there might be more. CHANDLER: Oh, yeah?
nude man playing the cello. RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry. You know what? I cannot have PHOEBE: I know it's kind of weird, but I mean, she
RACHEL: Yeah, well just be glad he's not playing this conversation with you. I mean, god, you just come in was a big part of my life there, you know, and now I
a smaller instrument. here, and drop this bomb on me, before you even tell just feel kind of alone.
MRS GREEN: [laughing] You have some life here, Daddy. What? What do you want? Do you want my WOMAN: You know, I uh, I couldn't help but overhear
sweetie. blessing? what you just said, and I think it's time for you to
RACHEL: I know. And Mom, I realize you and MRS GREEN: No. forget about Rose, move on with your life...how 'bout
Daddy were upset when I didn't marry Barry and RACHEL: You want me to talk you out of it? we go get you a drink?
get the big house in the suburbs with all the MRS GREEN: No. PHOEBE: Ok, that's so nice.
security and everything, but this is just so much RACHEL: Then what? What do you want? [Chandler tries to warn Phoebe that the woman is
better for me, you know? MRS GREEN: I guess I just figured of all people you would coming on to her, but Phoebe doesn't see him.]
MRS GREEN: I do. You didn't love Barry. And I've understand this. CHANDLER: [to an attractive woman] I shouldn't
never seen you this happy. I look at you and I RACHEL: Why on earth would I understand this? even bother coming up with a line, right? [The woman
think, oh, this is what I want. MRS GREEN: You didn't marry your Barry. I did. walks away]
RACHEL: For...me. RACHEL: Oh. RACHEL: Hey, Mom? Having fun?
MRS GREEN: Well, not just for you. MONICA: All right people, we're in trouble here. We've MRS GREEN: Oh, am I! I just danced with a
RACHEL: Well, what do you mean? only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left. Move, move, move! wonderfully large woman. And three other girls made
MRS GREEN: I'm uh, considering leaving your CHANDLER: Monica, I feel like you should have German eyes at me over the buffet. Oh, I'm not saying it's
father. subtitles. something I wanna pursue, but it's nice to know I have
MONICA: [entering] All right. Tell me if this is too MONICA: Joey, speed it up! options.
cute. Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts. JOEY: I'm sorry, it's the pigs. they're reluctant to get in the RACHEL: There's more alcohol, right?
RACHEL: Oh god. I think I'm gonna be sick. blankets! [Susan approaches Ross, who's looking lonely]
MONICA: Why? It's not like I'm putting little PHOEBE: Monica, how did this happen? I thought you had SUSAN: How you doin'?
nipples on them. this all planned out. ROSS: Ok.
ROSS: And you had no idea they weren't getting MONICA: Do you want me to cry? Is that what you want? SUSAN: You did a good thing today.
along? Do you wanna see me cry? ROSS: Yeah.
RACHEL: None. PHOEBE: Sir! No sir! SUSAN: You wanna dance?
JOEY: They didn't fight a lot? MONICA: [to Ross] All right, you! ROSS: No, that's fine.
RACHEL: No! They didn't even talk to each other. ROSS: No. Look, I told you I am not a part of this thing. SUSAN: Come on. I'll let you lead.
God, how was I supposed to know they were MONICA: All right, look, Ross. I realize that you have ROSS: Ok.
having problems? issues with Carol and Susan, and I feel for you, I do. But if [They dance; Carol looks on lovingly.]
PHOEBE: [Mrs. Adelman's voice] In my day, you don't help me cook, I'm gonna take a bunch of those CHANDLER: [to the woman who just rejected him] All
divorce was not an option. little hot dogs, and I'm gonna create a new appetizer called right look. Penis schmenis. We're all people. [She
JOEY: Hey, look who's up. "pigs in Ross". All right, ball the melon. walks away again.]
RACHEL: I just can't believe this is happening. I CHANDLER: Hey! How come I'm stuck dicing, when he [at Monica and Rachel's]
mean, when I was little, everybody's parents were gets to ball the melon. MONICA: Ok, which one of us do you think is gonna
getting divorced. I just figured as a grownup I [knock at the door] be the first one to get married?
wouldn't have to worry about this. MONICA: Hi. ROSS: Well, Mon, I was married.
MONICA: Is there any chance that you can look CAROL: How's it going? PHOEBE: Yeah, me, too, technically.
at this as flattering? I mean, she's doing it because MONICA: It's goin' great. Right on schedule. Got my little RACHEL: I had a wedding.
she wants to be more like you. happy helpers.[everyone groans] MONICA: All right, just trying to start an interesting
RACHEL: Well, then, you know, couldn't she have CAROL: Fine, whatever. discussion.
just copied my haircut? ROSS: What's the matter? JOEY: I got one. Which one of us do you think will be
CHANDLER: You know, it's funny when my CAROL: Nothing. Ok, everything. I think we're calling off the last to get married? [They all look at Chandler]
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Season 2
CHANDLER: Isn't Ben in this? I'm telling you a story, OK. And, and it's really funny. So the kids. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are
ALL: Oh, yeah! everyone just laugh, now. there.]
END
[Everyone laughs] [Phoebe pulls out her guitar]
212/213 The One After the Superbowl
PHOEBE: I know, I know. [to Rob] Hello. KIDS: Ooohhh.
[Scene: In a TV commercial that the gang is
watching at Monica and Rachel's.] ROB: Hi. I'm Rob Dohnen. PHOEBE: I know.
[A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in PHOEBE: Hi Rob Dohnen. MONICA: I can't believe Joey's having lunch with his
and drops a huge pile of papers on his desk. The stalker. What i-, what is she like.
guy looks dejected.] ROB: I don't know anything about music, but I think you're
really, really great. CHANDLER: Well, you remember Cathy Bates in
COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: Can't get the monkey Misery?
off your back? Then put it in your mouth... PHOEBE: Oh, wow.
RACHEL AND MONICA: Yeah.
[A monkey jumps on the desk and hands the guy a ROB: Anyway, I schedule performers for the childrens
beer. He opens the beer and is suddenly on the libraries around the city and I was just thinking, have you CHANDLER: Well, she looks the exact opposite of that.
beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all ever thought about playing your songs for kids?
around.] RACHEL: And she's not crazy?
PHOEBE: Oh, I would love to have kids. . . you're, you're
COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: ...With MonkeyShine the, you're, me play the songs that I will write for them. CHANDLER: Oh no no no, she's a total wack job.
Beer. [MonkeyShine theme] MonkeyShine Beer, Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Remore.
'cause it's a jungle out there.] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler
and Joey are standing around in the kitchen.] RACHEL: Oh my God.
[Camera pans back from the TV to show the gang
watching.] JOEY: Hey, whaddya wanna do for dinner? MONICA: Ah, and I mean, he's going out with her? He
can not persue this.
ROSS: That commercial always makes me so sad. CHANDLER: Well we could just stay in and cook for
ourselves. [both laugh hysterically] CHANDLER: Hey, just because this woman thinks she
JOEY: Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and can actually see Joey through the magical box in her
those girls run at him, so, everything seems to [door buzzer goes off] living room doesn't mean she's not a person. I mean,
work out OK. does she not deserve happiness, does she not deserve
CHANDLER: Hello. love? What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one who
ROSS: I meant because the monkey in it reminds wants to boff the maniac.
me of Marcel. ERICA: It's Erica.
ROB: You OK?
PHOEBE: I can see that, 'cause they both have JOEY: Ah, the stalker.
those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty PHOEBE: No, uh-uh, I'm just, I'm nervous. So, you
chin. ERICA: Never mind, it's open. know what, maybe if I just, if I picture them all in their
MONICA: And the fact that they're both monkeys. underwear.
CHANDLER: [Joey grabs a frying pan] Yes, hitting her
ROSS: Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a ROB: That's not a good idea, that's kinda the reason
ya know, giving him away. backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon. the last guy got fired.
RACHEL: Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was JOEY: Let's get out of here. PHOEBE: I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm used to playing for
humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups drink their
Malibu Barbi that will no longer be wearing white [They run out and knock on Monica and Rachel's door] coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids
to her wedding. listen. This is a huge responsibility. What? Are you
CHANDLER: The one time they're not home. gonna kiss me?
ROSS: Remember when sometimes he'd borrow
your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd be JOEY: OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the ROSS: I was thinkin' about it.
little monkey raisins in it. stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met.
CHANDLER: That's how radio stars escape stalkers. PHOEBE: OK. [they kiss] OK, alrighty, let's play some
CHANDLER: Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it tunes. Hi everybody, I'm Phoebe
was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat. . . all of JOEY: She's comin'.
the sudden I have this big attitude problem. ALL: Hi Phoebe.
[Both run back in their apartment. There's a knock at the
OPENING TITLES door.] PHOEBE: OK, um, I'm gonna play, um, some songs
about grandparents, OK. [singing]
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, ERICA: It's me. Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes,
Rachel, and Phoebe are at the couch.] she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike.
JOEY: Uhh, this is it, this is how we're gonna die. Ready? But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner,
[Joey enters holding a letter] And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner.
CHANDLER: Wait, wait, wait. [Opens the top of the dish Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru,
JOEY: Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got. soap he's holding] but the truth is she died and some day you will too.
La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la...
CHANDLER: Rhythm? [Joey opens the door and sees Erica (Brooke Shields). Joey
gets a huge smile and Chandler squeezed the dish soap in [Scene: A nice restraunt. Joey and Erica are
JOEY: No, my first fan mail. the air.] dining.]
MONICA: [reading] 'Dear Dr. Remore, know that JOEY: Erica. JOEY: Yeah it is. . . what?
I love you and would do anything to have you.'
Gosh. 'Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.' [Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross is at the Monkey ERICA: Well, here we sit, devil may care, just a little
Ooh wait, 'PS enclosed please find 14 of my cages.] while ago you were reattaching someone's spinal cord.
eyelashes.'
LIPSON: Hi, Dean Lipson, zoo administrator. I was told you JOEY: Yeah, that was a tricky one. In reality, that
RACHEL: Ya know, in crazy world, that means had a question. operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they only
you're married. showed it for 2 minites.
ROSS: Well, I uh, I can't seem to find the monkey I
MONICA: This wasn't addressed to Days of Our donated last year. He's a capuchan, answers to the name ERICA: Who's they?
Lives, this is, this came to your apartment. There's Marcel.
no stamp on it, this woman was in our building. JOEY: No one.
LIPSON: Ahh, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Marcel has
JOEY: Oh my god, I got my very own stalker. passed on. ERICA: Oh Drake, you are so talented, let me see
those hands. Oh these hands, these beautiful hands,
[Ross enters with a suitcase] ROSS: Oh my God, what happened? oh I could just eat them. . . but I won't.
ROSS: Hey guys. LIPSON: Well he got sick, and then he got sicker, and then JOEY: Good, otherwise my watch would fall off.
he got a little better but then he died. [laughs hysterically]
ALL: Hey.
ROSS: I can't believe this. ERICA: No, seriously. These hands. These miracle,
PHOEBE: Ooh, where are you off to, Travelin' magical, life-giving hands. Oh, just to be near them,
Jake? LIPSON: I'm sorry Mr. Geller. But ya know, there's an old touch them, maybe even lick one?
saying, 'Sometimes monkeys die.' It's not a great saying
ROSS: Well, there's this, uh, paleontology but it certainly is fitting today. JOEY: Alright, just one. [she licks his hands rather
conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then emphatically] Wow, you're good at that.
drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel. ROSS: Well, ya know, someone should have called me.
[Some guy at another table starts choking]
CHANDLER: You know I think he will be surprised, LIPSON: I'm sorry. Look, I know this can't bring him back
'till he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, you know, but here, it's just a gesture. WAITER: Oh my God! Someone, he's choking. Is
isn't capable of that emotion. anyone here a doctor?
ROSS: Zoo dollars?
[Rob (Chris Isaac) enters] ERICA: Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Salem,
LIPSON: Yes, and come see the bird show at 4. The Dr. Drake Remore.
RACHEL: Oh, Phoebe, that really cute guy is here macaws wear hats. Well it's a lot cuter if your monkey
again. hasn't just died. [Scene: San Diege Zoo. Ross is still at the
monkey cages. A janitor is sweeping.]
PHOEBE: Oh, oh, OK, so everyone, pretend like [Scene: Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for
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Season 2
JANITOR: Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 ERICA: Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know
minutes. ROSS: That guy Lipson? about this?
ROSS: Uhh, hey look, I don't really enjoy being JANITOR: Lipson knows. Do you have any idea who else JOEY: Somebody wanna help me out here?
with other men that way. But, um, zoo dollars? knows?
RACHEL: Oh, I know, I know. [Turns on the TV. Joey
JANITOR: It's about your monkey. It's alive. ROSS: No, I, I only know Lipson. in on it.]
[Scene: Restraunt. Joey and Erica are still JANITOR: Hmm, Lipson knows huh? Ahh, hello Mr. ERICA: How, how can you be here and there.
there.] Opossum, enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the
night, taunting gravity with... JOEY: 'Cause it's a television show.
ERICA: I don't understand, why didn't you help
that man? ROSS: Buddy, my monkey, my monkey. ERICA: Drake, what're you getting at?
JOEY: Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and JANITOR: Word on the street - well, when I say street, I JOEY: I'm not Drake.
that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. mean those little pretend streets they have here at the zoo.
Alright, look, I got to tell you something. ROSS: That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore,
ROSS: Of course. Drake's evil twin.
ERICA: No, no no no, you don't have to tell me
anything. You don't have to explain yourself to me. JANITOR: Your monkey found a new career, in the ERICA: Is this true?
Ooh, who am I to question the great Dr. Drake entertainment field. That's all I know.
Remore? RACHEL: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because,
ROSS: This is unbelievable. because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me.
JOEY: But that's what... [throws water in his face]
JANITOR: So, what is this information worth to you, my
ERICA: I should just be happy to be near you. friend? MONICA: And then he told me he would run away
with me, and he didn't. [throws water in his face]
JOEY: Hey I- [she cuts him off with a kiss] ROSS: Are you trying to get me to bribe you?
CHANDLER: And you left the toilet seat up, you
ERICA: Hey what? JANITOR: Maybe. bastard. [throws water in his face]
JOEY: That's it, just hey. Like at the end of a ROSS: But you already told me everything. ERICA: Is all this true?
dance, HEY! [she starts nibbling his hand] Hey.
He-hey. [Scene: Library. Ross show up with a MonkeyShine JOEY: Yes, I'm afraid it is. You deserve much better
Beer poster.] than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake,
[Scene: Library. Phoebe is singing.] he's the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him,
ROSS: Check it out, he actually is the MonkeyShine he's the guy for you.
PHOEBE: [singing] There'll be times when you monkey.
get older ERICA: Oh Hans. [They kiss]
when you'll want to sleep with people RACHEL: Well, so what're you gonna do?
just to make them like you. . . ROSS: Hans...Hans...Yo evil twin.
But don't. ROSS: Well, I guess I'm gonna call the beer company and
Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna try to find out where he is. JOEY: Right. Goodbye Erica, good luck in Salem. Take
do, everybody care
That's another thing that you don't wanna do. CHANDLER: That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales.
ERICA: I'll never forget you Hans. [Joey shuts the door
MONICA: Excellent! PHOEBE: OK, hi again. in her face]
CHANDLER: Very informative! ALL: Hi Phoebe. JOEY: OK, alright, the people who threw the water.
RACHEL: Not at all inappropriate! PHOEBE: Today we're gonna start with some songs about [Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Rob are
barnyard animals. sitting on the couch.]
PHOEBE: Thank you for coming everybody. [singing] Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,
There're cookies in the back. Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo. PHOEBE: Fired! Why?
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up,
ROB: That was great, the kids loved you. And that's how we get hamburgers. ROB: The library board has had a lot of complaints
Nooowww, chickens! from parents about some of the stuff in your songs.
PHOEBE: Yay, I rock.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Monica, PHOEBE: I can't believe it. Did you tell your board
ROB: And you know why? Because you told the Rachel, and the guys are watching Days of Our about how kids want to hear the truth?
truth, and nobody ever tells kids the truth.You Lives.]
were incredible. ROB: No.
TV DOCTOR: You're the only one who can save her Drake.
PHOEBE: But. PHOEBE: I see.
JOEY ON TV: Damnit, I'm a doctor, I'm not God.
ROB: How did you know there was a but? ROB: Maybe if you just played some regular kiddie
ROSS: Well, there goes my whole belief system. songs.
PHOEBE: I sense these things. It was either but
or butter. [knock at the door] PHOEBE: No. What do you, what do you want me to
be, like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?
ROB: The thing is, I think some of the parents, ERICA: It's Erica.
they were kinda hopin' that you'd play more songs ROB: I'm not saying you have to be Barney.
about like, barnyard animals. JOEY: Oh my God, quick turn off the TV.
PHOEBE: Who's Barney.
PHOEBE: I can do that. RACHEL: No no no, wait, I wanna see what happens.
[Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang is there.]
ROB: Really? JOEY: Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make
out. ROSS: Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this, he's
PHOEBE: Yeah. healthy, he's happy, and he's right here in New York
RACHEL: Well how can that be, you were just kissing filming Outbreak II - The Virus Takes Manhattan.
ROB: Because that would be fantastic. What? You Sabrina?
wanna kiss me? RACHEL: You're kidding.
MONICA: Rachel, it's a world where Joey is a
PHOEBE: Thinkin' about it. neuro-surgeon. JOEY: This is amazing.
[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross and the janitor JOEY: Hey Erica, c'mon in. ROSS: I know.
are in the nocturnal house.]
ERICA: How did you get here so fast, I just saw you in JOEY: I finally get a part on TV and the monkey's
JANITOR: Ahh, the bat. Ambassador of darkness, Salem? makin' movies.
flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger,
sightless spectre of the macabe. JOEY: Right, they uh, they choppered me in. What's up? PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, I'm ready.
ROSS: Buddy, my monkey? ERICA: Ohh, and I see you're having a little party too. Is RACHEL: OK.
she here, huh, huh?
JANITOR: Oh, yeah, right. There was a break-in, [little kid enters]
few months back, inside job. Your monkey was JOEY: Who?
taken. KID: Excuse me. Is this where the singing lady is that
ERICA: Sabrina. I know about you two. I saw you today tells the truth?
ROSS: Oh my God. But the zoo told me that my kissing in the doctor's lounge.
monkey was dead. PHOEBE: Um, yeah I guess that's me.
JOEY: It's not what you think, that was...
JANITOR: The zoo! Do you believe everything the KID: [shouting out the door] She's here.
zoo tells ya? ERICA: You told me I was the only one. [throws a glass of
water in his face] [a rush of kids enter]
ROSS: That, that's the only thing the zoo's ever
told me. JOEY: Alright look, that's it. I don't think we should see PHOEBE: [singing] Sometimes men love women,
each other anymore, alright. Look, I know I should have sometimes men love men,
JANITOR: Of course they're gonna say he's dead. told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Remore, and then there are bisexuals,
They don't want the bad publicity. It's all a great OK. I'm not even a doctor, I'm an actor. I just pretend to be though some just say they're kidding themselves.
big cover-up. Do you have any idea how high up a doctor. la la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
this thing goes?
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Season 2
[Scene: City street. The whole gang is
walking up to the movie set.] SUSIE: Uh, is your name Chandler? MONICA: Well, thanks anyway.
ROSS: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my CHANDLER: Uh, yes, yes it is. RACHEL: He just kept asking, and asking, and asking,
monkey in almost a year. and asking, and asking, and asking.
SUSIE: Chandler Bing?
CHANDLER: What, you never look down in the MONICA: Rachel if you, if you want to go out with him,
shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one CHANDLER: Do you know me or are you just really good you can. Sound like a big jerk to me but if that's what
joke in the monkey-is-penis genre? at this game? you want to do...
SECURITY GUARD: C'mon people, back up please, SUSIE: I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to RACHEL: Jean-Claude she said yes, I'll see you
back up, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon. carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse. tonight. Thank you.
CHANDLER: Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look. . .
ROSS: Uh, excuse me, uh, where can we find the great job growing up. [Scene: Central Perk. Joey and the girls are
monkey? sitting at the couches.]
SUSIE: It's nice to see you're not still wearing that denim
SECURITY GUARD: I'm sorry guys, closed set. cap with all the little mirrors on it. RACHEL: And then Jean-Claude took me to that place
Crossroads and that's where we hung out with Drew
ROSS: Uh, I'm sorry, you don't understand, I'm, CHANDLER: Oh, right, well yeah, I graduated fourth Barrymore.
I'm, I'm a friend of his. We uh, we used to live grade and realized I wasn't a pimp.
together. JOEY: Oh man, she's so smokin, she has got the
SUSIE: Remember the class play? You, you pulled up my greatest set of. . . no guys around, huh.
SECURITY GUARD: Yeah, and I have a time share skirt and the entire auditorium saw my underpants.
in the Pocanos with Flipper. RACHEL: Does anybody need anything?
CHANDLER: Yes, back then I, uh, used humor as a
MONICA: Ross, there he is. defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do that anymore. MONICA: Oh, I'll have an espresso. Oh acutally, I'll
get it. If I ask you to, you'll probably end up drinking it
ROSS: Hey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. [Marcel [cut to Monica and Rachel walking through the set] yourself.
doesn't react so Ross starts singing] In the jungle,
the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [no MONICA: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. RACHEL: That is so unfair.
reaction from Marcel, Monica and Joey urge him
on] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps RACHEL: What what what what? PHOEBE: I know. Oh, like you would drink her coffee
tonight. [Marcel looks over and everyone joins in] after what you did to her with Van Damme.
a-weema-way, a-weema-way..... [Marcel runs MONICA: Jean-Claude Van Damme. I didn't know he was
over and hops up on Ross's shoulder] in this movie, he is so hot. [Ross enters]
[Scene: The next time at the movie set.] RACHEL: Ya think? ROSS: Hey Joey I have to cancel racketball for tonight,
that was Marcel's trainer. He's gonna let me have him
SECURITY GUARD: Uh, excuse me folks this is a MONICA: The muscles from Brussels, wham bam Van for a couple of hours.
uhh... Damme, did you see Time Cop?
JOEY: You're blowin' me off for a monkey?
JOEY: Closed set. We know but we're friends with RACHEL: No, was he any good in it?
the monkey. [guard lets them in] ROSS: Hey, we can rescedule for Saturday.
MONICA: Rachel, he like, totally changed time.
ROSS: Good morning. Hey pal, look who I JOEY: Yeah, unless you hook up with a bunch of
brought. It's your old friend Harry Elefante. RACHEL: Wow, so why don't you go talk to him? pigeons.
[Marcel grabs the elephant doll and throws it to
the ground] MONICA: Oh, yeah. [Chandler enters]
JOEY: Woah, dude, burn. RACHEL: What, so you go over there, you tell him you CHANDLER: Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done.
think he's cute, what's the worst that could happen?
ROSS: I don't get it, he seemed so happy to see PHOEBE: Stick a fork what?
me yesterday. MONICA: He could hear me.
CHANDLER: Like, when you're cooking a steak.
TRAINER: Hey don't take it personal, he's under a RACHEL: OK, I'm doin' it for ya.
lot of pressure, ya know, starring in a movie and all. PHOEBE: Oh, OK, I don't eat meat.
MONICA: Oh Rachel don't, don't you dare, don't, don't.
RACHEL: Now just how big of a star is Marcel? Tell him I cook. CHANDLER: Well then, how do you know when
vegetables are done?
TRAINER: In human terms, I'd say Cybill Shepard. RACHEL: Excuse me. Hi.
PHOEBE: Well you know, you juist, you eat them and
ALL: Woah. VAN DAMME: Hi. you can tell.
CHANDLER: [to guys wering yellow isolation suits] RACHEL: Um, this is gonna sound kinda goofy but uhhm, CHANDLER: OK, then, eat me, I'm done.
So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just my friend over there, who cooks by the way, um, she
really paranoid. thinks you're cute. CHANDLER: I've met the perfect woman. OK, we're
sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Hey Sal, Jerry wants to VAN DAMME: You don't think I'm cute? suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want
know if the monkey's ready for the subway set? to do it in an elevator?'
RACHEL: I, I don't know, um, do you think you're cute?
JOEY: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which OK, we're kinda gettin' off the track here. Um, I was MONICA: What did you say?
one's he? supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you're
cute. So what should I tell her? CHANDLER: Ahh, I believe my exact words were,
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: The one in the director's 'Flaign,en - sten'. I mean I didn't know what to say,
chair. VAN DAMME: You can tell her I think her friend is cute. how do you know if you wanna do it on an elevator?
JOEY: Gotcha. Phoebs, walk with me. [back to Chandler and Susie] PHOEBE: Oh, you just know.
PHOEBE: OK. Um, how come I'm walking with CHANDLER: No, Stephen Hurs was the kid who would eat [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment.
you? anything for money, David Stein was the guy who had no Chandler and Susie are making out on the
elbows. couch.]
JOEY: Well, we're, we're just goin' over here so
that we can get away from the horrible flesh SUSIE: OK, well then who was the kid that got caught SUSIE: Oh, shoot, we gotta go, got a reservation in 30
eating virus, for the love of God woman, masturbating? minutes.
listen to me. Is he lookin', is he lookin'?
CHANDLER: OK that's not what he was doing. Alright, he CHANDLER: Oh no no no no, no no no no no no, you
SUSIE: We've got a problem. was looking for his bus money. see, what I had planned shouldn't take more that 2, 3
minutes tops.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Tell me. [a voice in the background calls for makeup]
SUSIE: Oh, 200 seconds of passion. We gotta go.
SUSIE: I can't do Chris's makeup. She refuses to SUSIE: Oh that's me, I gotta go.
acknowledge that she has a moustasche. SUSIE: But um, here's an idea, have you ever worn
CHANDLER: Oh uh, o, OK. women's underwear?
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Is it bad?
SUSIE: Um, so listen, how many times am I gonna have to CHANDLER: Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they
SUSIE: It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. touch you on the arm before you ask me on a date. were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three of us in
Now unless someone convinces her to let me there.
bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be CHANDLER: Well, uh, let's try one more. . . there you go,
making out with Gabe Kaplan. say Ernie's, 8 o'clock. SUSIE: Well I was thinking it would be um, kind of sexy
if you wore mine tonight, at dinner.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I'll talk to her. SUSIE: I'll be there, and who knows, if things go well,
maybe this time I'll get to see your underwear. CHANDLER: You want me to wear your panties?
SUSIE: I hate actors.
CHANDLER: No one was around to hear that? SUSIE: Could ya?
CHANDLER: [to an extra in fatigues] Nice
camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost didn't [back to Rachel and Monica] CHANDLER: Well, if I was wearing your underwear
see ya. then, uh, what would you be wearing?. . . You're swell.
MONICA: So what'd he say?
SUSIE: Excuse me. [Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is setting up for
RACHEL: Agh, what a jerk. I kept talking about you and he his time with Marcel. Joey is there.]
CHANDLER: Ahhhh. kept asking me out. I mean, naturally, you know, I said no.
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Season 2
ROSS: OK, got the music, got the dinner. Oh and responsibilities. [Scene: Back at Monica and Rachel's apartment.
check it out, I made Marcel's favorite dish, They are now fighting about what Rachel told
banannacake. DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I have nothing to do with casting. Van Damme.]
JOEY: Oooh. JOEY: So what're you guys gonna eat? MONICA: Say you're sorry.
ROSS: With mealworms. SUSIE: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in RACHEL: No. [hitting each other]
my mouth and licking you all over?
JOEY: Yaaahhh. Ahhh, candles. What'dya thinks MONICA: Say it.
gonna happen here tonight? CHANDLER: Because I went to an all boys high school
and God is making up for it. RACHEL: No. [hitting again]
[phone rings]
SUSIE: I want you right here, right now. [Monica grabs Rachel by the sweater. Rachel squirms
ROSS: Hello. Oh hi, are you on your way ove-. Oh. out of it]
No, no, I, I understand, I mean a monkey's gotta CHANDLER: Right now, right here. Don't ya think we're in
work. No it, it's no big deal, it' not like I uh, had kind of a public plaaaa [Susie grabs him under the table] MONICA: Rachel, you say you're sorry or your
anything special planned. Yeah OK, OK. OK, OK, They do have the shrimp. sweater gets it.
bye.
SUSIE: Meet me in the bathroom. [she leaves for the RACHEL: OK, OK, that is my favorite sweater, that is
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. bathroom] my third date sweater.
Monica and Rachel are upset with each
other. Phoebe is mediating.] CHANDLER: I'm going to the bathroom now. [leaves for MONICA: Say you're sorry.
the bathroom]
PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, why don't you start talking RACHEL: OK, you wanna play? OK, let's play, let's
first. [In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing. She play. [She grabs a jar of tomato sauce and Monica's
backs into a stall.] purse]
RACHEL: Alright, I feel that this is totally
unjustified. [Monica starts making faces behind SUSIE: C'mon. MONICA: What're you gonna do?
her back] She gave me the green light, I did
nothing but-. Do you think I can't see you in the TV CHANDLER: I can't believe we're doing this. RACHEL: You give me back my sweater or it's
set? handbag marinara.
SUSIE: Alright mister, let's see those panties.
PHOEBE: Alright Monica, if there is something MONICA: You don't have the guts.
that you would like to share... CHANDLER: Alrighty. [we see Chandler's pants drop from
under the stall door] RACHEL: Oh yeah. Well, at least I wasn't too chicken
MONICA: Ya know, you had no right to go out to tell some guy I thought he was cute.
with him. SUSIE: Ooh. Ooh. But ya know what would be even sexier?
[Monica pulls a thread on Rachel's sweater and Rachel
RACHEL: That is the most ridiculous. CHANDLER: What? dumps the tomato sauce in Monica's purse]
MONICA: You sold me out. SUSIE: If you didn't have your shirt tucked into them. PHOEBE: Oh alright, stop, STOP THE MADNESS.
This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even
RACHEL: I did not sell you out. CHANDLER: Oh. started in the first place?
MONICA: Yes you did. Absolutely. SUSIE: Alright. Now I would like to see you wearing [Monica and Rachel start yelling at the same time]
nothing but them. Take your clothes off.
RACHEL: Would you let me talk. [flicks Monica on PHOEBE: Yes that's right. But still, I-, look at your
the forehead] CHANDLER: OK, but uh, I hope you realize this means purse, look at your sweater, look at yourselves.
we're gonna miss hearing about the specials.
MONICA: Did you just flick me? MONICA: I'll help you fix your sweater.
SUSIE: C'mon hurry, hurry.
RACHEL: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and RACHEL: I'll help you throw out your purse.
I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt CHANDLER: Hey, do you want this done quick, or do you
[flicks Monica] want this done right? MONICA: I'm sorry that I made you stop seeing him.
MONICA: Quit flicking [flicks] SUSIE: Alright, turn around. Time to see you from behind. RACHEL: Well, I'm sorry I went out with him when I
knew you liked him.
RACHEL: Ow, you stop flicking. CHANDLER: OK.
MONICA: I'm sorry that I borrowed your gloves [pulls
MONICA: You flicked me first. [She turns him facing the toilet and sneaks out of the stall Rachel's gloves out of her purse]
and gathers up his clothes.]
[They keep flicking each other. This turns into [Scene: Back at the restroom at Marcel's.
slapping each other. This leads to wrestling on the SUSIE: Oh, somebody's been doing his buns of steel video. Chandler is still in the stall, Joey comes in to go
floor. All the while Phoebe is saying "Happy to the bathroom.]
thoughts". Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.] CHANDLER: Well, you want me to uh, clench anything,
or-... Susie? Susie. [Joey starts whistling, Chandler finishes the tune. Joey
PHOEBE: OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass. whistles again.]
SUSIE: This is for the fourth grade.
[Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear] CHANDLER: Joey?
CHANDLER: Huh? Where, whaddya mean?
MONICA AND RACHEL: Ow. Ow. Ow. JOEY: Ma?
SUSIE: Whaddo I mean. Whaddya mean, whaddo I mean?
PHOEBE: Alright, now I will let go if you both stop. I mean underpants, mister, that's what I mean. CHANDLER: Joey!
RACHEL: Oh, what do you, you want me to stop CHANDLER: What, what's what you mean? JOEY: Chandler? What're you still doin' here, I though
seeing him, is that what you want? you guys took off.
SUSIE: My skirt, you lifted, kids laughing. I was Susie
MONICA: Uh-huh. Underpants 'till I was 18. CHANDLER: Oh, no no no, she took off with my
clothes.
RACHEL: You want me to just call him up and tell CHANDLER: That was in the fourth grade. How could you
him that you're seeing him instead? That's what still be upset about that? JOEY: Are you naked in there?
you want?
SUSIE: Well um, why don't you call me in 20 years and tell CHANDLER: Not exactly. . . I'm wearin panties.
MONICA: OK. me if you're still upset about this. [she leaves with his
clothes] JOEY: Huh, you uh, you always wear panties?
RACHEL: Oh that's what you want.
CHANDLER: Alright, I hope you realize you're not getting CHANDLER: No, no, this is the first time.
MONICA: Yes. these underpants back.
JOEY: Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first
RACHEL: Fine. [Scene: Monica and Van Damme are walking down time you try panties and someone walks off with your
the street.] clothes.
MONICA: Fine,
MONICA: I can't believe this, just like 2 weeks ago I was CHANDLER: I was not trying them out, Susie asked
PHOEBE: There we go.You know what, if we were watching Sudden Death, now I'm on a date with me to wear them.
in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches. Jean-Claude Van Damme. Can you beat up that guy? [he
nods] Can you beat up that guy? JOEY: Well, let me see.
[Scene: A fancy restraunt (Marcel's). Joey,
Ross, Chandler, Susie, and the Director's VAN DAMME: Sure. CHANDLER: No. I'm not letting you or anybody else
Assistant are there.] see, ever.
MONICA: This is so wild. Ya know, I gotta admit, I was
ROSS: Thanks for letting me tag along tonight kinda surprised that you agreed to go on a blind date. JOEY: Alright, alright. [climbs up in the next stall and
you guys. looks over at Chandler] Woah, someone's flossing.
VAN DAMME: Normally, I would not do it.
JOEY: Forget about it. [Ross enters, sees Joey in the mirror]
MONICA: Well, what made you make the exception for
SUSIE: How you doin there squirmy? me? ROSS: [to Joey who's looking over a toilet stall] Joey,
some people don't like that.
CHANDLER: I'm hangin in. . . and a little out. VAN DAMME: 'Cause Rachel told me uh, you were dying to
have a threesome with me and uh, Drew Barrymore. By the JOEY: Chandler's wearing panties.
JOEY: So, assistant to the director. That's a really way, Drew has some groundrules and...
exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton of cool ROSS: What? Let me see. [climbs up in the other
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Season 2
adjoining stall] my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I borrow your as you are on paper. Make me a salad.
G-string?
CHANDLER: No, no, you don't have to see. MONICA: A salad? Really I, I could do something a
CHANDLER: How long you been waitin' to say that? little more complicated if you like.
ROSS: Hi Tushie.
PHOEBE: About 20 minutes. CLOSING CREDITS INTERVIEWER: No, just a salad will be fine.
CHANDLER: Alright, one of you give me your
underpants. [Scene: Filming a scene from the movie. Joey is MONICA: You got it.
dying on a gurney, Van Damme is looking over him.]
JOEY: Can't help you, I'm not wearing any. INTERVIEWER: Now, I want you to tell me what you're
VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man doing while you're doing it.
CHANDLER: How can you not be wearing any is dying.
underwear? MONICA: Alright, well I'm tearing the lettuce.
JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.
JOEY: Oh, I'm gettin' heat from the guy in the hot INTERVIEWER: Uh-huh. Is it dirty?
pink thong. DIRECTOR: Cut.
MONICA: Oh-oh, no no don't worry, I'm gonna wash
CHANDLER: Alright look Ross I'll give you 50 VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man it.
dollars for your underpants. is dying.
INTERVIEWER: Don't, I like it dirty.
[Some guy has entered.] JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.
MONICA: That's your call.
ALL: Hi. DIRECTOR: Cut.
INTERVIEWER: So, uh, what are you going to do next?
[Back at the table. Joey and Ross return. Shortly, VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man
Chandler comes out, holding the stall door in front is dying. MONICA: Well, I thought that I would cut up the
of him, and leaves.] tomatos.
JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh. Mommy
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe, and INTERVIEWER: Are they, uh, firm?
Chandler are sitting.] DIRECTOR: Cut.
MONICA: They'r alright.
CHANDLER: Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man
after you? is dead. INTERVIEWER: You sure they haven't gone bad?
END You're sure they're not very, very bad?
PHOEBE: I'm almost done with it, keep your
panties on. 214 The One With the Prom Video MONICA: No really, they're OK.
[Joey enters] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is INTERVIEWER: You gonna slice them up real nice?
playing foosball by himself, Joey enters]
JOEY: Hey, hey, and I'm in the movie. MONICA: Actually, I was gonna do them jullienne.
JOEY: Hey.
ROSS: What happened? INTERVIEWER: Aaaahhhhhhh.
CHANDLER: Hey. Hold on a second. [shoots a goal] Huh?
JOEY: One of the virus victims called in sick, so MONICA: I'm outa here. [Monica leaves]
Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying on JOEY: Nice, nice. Hey I got somethin' for you. [hands
the gurney. Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last Chandler an envelope. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
scene if you want to go down there and say Chandler and Phoebe are sitting at the couch.
goodbye. CHANDLER: What's this? Ross is sitting at the table and answers the
phone.]
ROSS: Ahh, oh that's OK, I mean, he's probably JOEY: Eight hundred and twelve bucks.
got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya ROSS: Y-ello. No, Rachel's not here right now, can I
know, he's moved on. Hey, that, that's the way it CHANDLER: Well, I don't know what Big Leon told ya but take a message? Alright, and how do we spell Casey, is
goes right. it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night. it like at the bat or and the Sunshine Band? OK,
What is this for? bye-bye. Hey, who's this uh, this Casey?
PHOEBE: [sees Marcel at the window] Oh my God.
JOEY: Well, I'm makin money now and this is payin' you PHOEBE: Oh, some guy she met at the movies.
ROSS: What? back for head shots, electric bills, and so many slices of
pizza I can't even count. I love ya man. ROSS: Oh really? What uh, what does he want with
["Looks Like We Made It" starts playing and we her?
enter a whole sequence of Marcel and Ross having CHANDLER: Well, thanks man. Now I can get my pony.
fun in the city.] CHANDLER: Well, I'm guessing he wants to do a little
JOEY: Hey, this is a little extra somethin' for uh, ya know, dance. . . ya know, make a little love. . . well pretty
[Scene: The movie set. Monica and Rachel always bein' there for me. [hands Chandler a jewelry box] much get down tonight.
are saying goodbye to Jean-Claude]
CHANDLER: Wow, I don't know what to say. [opens the ROSS: [puts the message in the cupboard] I don't
VAN DAMME: [to Rachel] I'm sorry it didn't work box and pulls out an incredibly gaudy gold bracelet] Wow, I, know, I don't get, I don't get it, I mean, wh, wh, two
out between you and me, [to Monica] or you and I don't know what to say. months ago Rachel and I were like, this close. Right
me. Drew was very disappointed. now, what, I'm takin messages from guys she, she
JOEY: Heh, what d'ya say? meets at the movies? I mean this, this Casey should be
RACHEL: OK, well, bye. [kisses him] takin' down my messages, ya know, or, or, Rachel and
CHANDLER: I don't know. It's a bracelet. I should be together and, and we should get some kind
VAN DAMME: Goodbye. of me, message service.
JOEY: Isn't it? And it's engraved too, check it out.
MONICA: Well, bye for me too. [kisses him] PHOEBE: Hang in there, it's gonna happen.
CHANDLER: [reads] To my best bud. [puts it back in the
RACHEL: OK, well, bye-bye again. [kisses him case] Thanks best bud. ROSS: Wha, OK, now how do you know that?
again]
JOEY: Put it on. PHOEBE: Because she's your lobster.
MONICA: OK.
CHANDLER: Oh, now? [puts it in his desk drawer] No, no, CHANDLER: Oh, she's goin' somewhere.
VAN DAMME: Perhaps, uh, the three of us, just I think something this nice should be saved for a special
could. . . occasion. [sets a chair in front of the drawer] PHOEBE: C'mon you guys. It's a known fact that
lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what,
MONICA AND RACHEL: Oh, no no no no no. JOEY: Oh, no no, that's the beauty part, it goes with you can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around
everything. [gets the bracelet from the drawer] You put their tank, ya know, holding claws like. . .
VAN DAMME: Are you sure, I can crush a walnut this on, you're good to go. [puts the bracelet on Chandler]
with my butt. Ohhh man, you are so wearin' that bracelet. [Monica enters from bathroom after taking a shower]
MONICA AND RACHEL: No no no no. CHANDLER: I so am. CHANDLER: Hey, you feelin' better?
RACHEL: Impressive. JOEY: You have any idea what this'll do for your sex life? MONICA: Yeah, I think that fifth shower actually got
the interview off me.
MONICA: But no. Maybe if I were baking. CHANDLER: Well, it'll probably slow it down at first but,
once I get used to the extra weight, I'll be back on track. PHOEBE: So, do you have any other possibilities?
MONICA AND RACHEL: Bye-bye.
OPENING TITLES MONICA: Oh yeah, well there's the possibility that I
[Scene: City street. Whole gang is there won't make rent.
seeing off Marcel.] [Scene: A kitchen somewhere. Monica is
interviewing for a job] ROSS: Monica, if you want, I can lend you some
ROSS: Bye Marcel. See ya on the big screen. You money.
keep people drinkin' that beer, OK. I miss you INTERVIEWER: Well, this all looks good.
buddy. MONICA: No no no, if I couldn't pay you back right
MONICA: Great. away then I'd feel guilty and tense every time I saw
[Marcel is driven off in a limo] you.
INTERVIEWER: And if I want to call for a reference on your
PHOEBE: You know, I think I want to write a song last job? ROSS: Oh OK. Well then why don't you, uhh, why
about all this. don't you borrow it from mom and dad? You feel guilty
MONICA: Oh, that's there on the bottom, see the and tense around them already. You might as well
RACHEL: Oh yeah. manager, Chandler Bing. make some money off of them.
PHOEBE: Yeah. Oh, except one of the strings on INTERVIEWER: Alright, lets see if you're as good in person CHANDLER: Ya know, the man's got a point.
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[gestures with his arm and the bracelet falls off] without saying anything] That's actually good. But if, if you want to stay in there and be mad, you
know, you just uh, you stay in there. [he starts
PHOEBE: What is that sparkly thing? [Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is talking to a man at searching the room, lifting up the couch cushions]
the counter. Ross and Phoebe are sitting at the
CHANDLER: That thing, it's a uhh. . . yeah it's, it's couches.] JOEY: You know what the. . . [sees Chandler on his
a little flashy. knees, holding the couch cushions]
ROSS: Would you look at that guy, I mean how long has
ROSS: No no, no no, it's not flashy, not for a he been talking to her. It's like, back off buddy she's a CHANDLER: I am here, on my knees, holding up
Goodfella. waitress not a geisha. these couch cushions as a symbol of my sorrow and
regret, much like they did in biblical times. Though you
MONICA: Man, man that is sharp. It must have PHOEBE: I think she's OK. may haveth anger now. . . [Joey returns to his room]
cost you quite a few debloons.
ROSS: [Rachel, laughing, puts a hand on the guy's [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Mr.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. shoulder] Look at that, look at that, see how she's pushing and Mrs. Geller are watching tennis on TV,
Monica answers the door and lets her him away and he won't budge. Alright, I'm gonna do Monica is sitting at the table]
parents in. They are carrying boxes.] something. [walks up in the middle of their conversation]
Excuse me, are you Rachel? MR. GELLER: You know, that Steffi Graf has quite a
MONICA: Hi. tush. I'm just saying, it's right there.
RACHEL: What?
MR. GELLER: Hi. ROSS: Hey guys.
ROSS: I'm Ross Geller. Wha, I'm, God in your add you said
MRS. GELLER: Hi darling. you were pretty but wow. MRS. GELLER: Hi, darling. Where's my grandson, you
didn't bring him?
MONICA: So, what's this. RACHEL: What are you, what are you doin'?
ROSS: No, he's at uh, Carol's and Susan's today.
MR. GELLER: Some of your old stuff. ROSS: Oh, oh my God, is this the wrong day? I don't
believe it, uh, well, hey, I guess if it works out we'll, we'll MR. GELLER: A woman in my office is a lesiban. I'm
MRS. GELLER: Well sweetie, we have a surprise for have something to tell the grandkids. just saying.
you. We're turning your room into a gym.
MAN: Sure will. I've uh, gotta go. Take care. MRS. GELLER: Oh, Jack look, there's that house paint
MONICA: Wow, that is a surprise. Just one little commercial that cracks you up. [the Gellers return to
question, uh, why not Ross's room? ROSS: OK, see ya later, nice meeting you. [man leaves] watching TV and Ross goes over to Monica]
You're welcome.
MR. GELLER: Gosh, we talked about that but your MONICA: Where have you been?
brother has so many science trophies and plaques RACHEL: What?
and merit badges, well we didn't want to disturb ROSS: Emotional hell. So, did they lend you the
them. ROSS: I was saving you. money yet?
MONICA: Oh, God forbid. RACHEL: Saving, saving, saving me from the pleasant MONICA: No, but that's probably 'cause I haven't
conversation with the interesting man, saving me? asked them yet.
[Rachel enters with a laundry basket]
ROSS: Oh, see from where I was sitting I uh. . . ROSS: C'mon Monica, do it. Hey, you guys, um,
MRS. GELLER: Oh, hi Rachel. Monica has some news.
RACHEL: OK, Ross, listen to me, I am not yours to save.
RACHEL: Hi. MONICA: Um, yeah, so uh, uhh, listen, I'm sorry I
ROSS: But, you are. didn't tell you this before but umm, I, I'm no longer at
MRS. GELLER: Oh, we were so sorry to hear about my job, I, I had to leave it.
your parents splitting up, dear. RACHEL: What?
MRS. GELLER: Why?
RACHEL: Oh, well, you know, they're just ROSS: Uh, uh, well you're, umm, you're my lobster.
separated so, you know, never know, we'll see. MONICA: Because they made me.
RACHEL: OK, you know what, are, are you being like, the
MR. GELLER: Well, I can't say any of us were blind date guy again? MRS. GELLER: You were fired? What're you gonna do?
surprised. Your parents have been unhappy ever
since we've known them. Especially after that ROSS: No no, you're uh, you're my lobster. See um, MR. GELLER: Judy, Judy, relax, this is our little
incident in Hawaii. lobsters, uhh, in the tank when, when they're old, uhh, harmonica we're talking about. We taught her well.
they get with, uhh, they walk around holding the claws. In Ten percent of your paycheck, where does it go?
RACHEL: What, what incident? the tank, ya know, with, with the holding and. . . Uhh,
Phoebs you wanna help me out with the, the whole lobster MONICA and ROSS: In the bank.
MR. GELLER: Uhh, naa, no no no, I, I must be thing?
thinking of someone else, uh, maybe me. Don't MR. GELLER: There you go. So she dips into her
you have some folding to do? Go fold dear. Fold. PHOEBE: Do the claws again. savings, that's what it's there for. She's gonna be fine,
You fold. [shuffles her into her room] and if you need a little extra, you know where to find it.
ROSS: Rach. OK, forget, forget the lobsters OK. We're, [pulls a quarter from behind her ear]
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe let's talk, what about us?
are sitting on couches. A beautiful woman is MONICA: Anything larger back there?
looking at Chandler.] RACHEL: Ross, there is no us, OK.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe
PHOEBE: Do you want a refill? ROSS: No, but. . . enter.]
CHANDLER: No, I'm alright, thanks. RACHEL: No, listen to me. I fell for you and I get CHANDLER: I can't believe it.
clobbered. You then fall for me and I again, somehow, get
PHOEBE: OK. Ooh, OK, you gotta give me a clobbered. I'm tired of being clobbered, ya know, it's, it's PHOEBE: Would you stop already? Get out of the
second, I wanna get this just right. [she sticks out just not worth it. bitter barn and play in the hay.
her gut, clears her throat and sniffs her nose and
then in her best male voice. . .] Dude, 11 o'clock, ROSS: Well, but, but. . . CHANDLER: Oh, you're right I, I should play in the
totally hot babe checkin' you out. That was really hay. Forget about the fact that I just dropped 400
good, I think I'm ready for my penis now. RACHEL: NO but Ross. We are never gonna happen, OK. dollars to replace a bracelet that I hated to begin with.
Accept that. Bring on the hay. [sits down at the bar]
CHANDLER: [walks over to the woman] I know
what you're thinking, Dave Thomas, founder of ROSS: E-except, except that what? RACHEL: [comes up from behind the bar and startles
Wendy's. Chandler] Hey. I've got something that's gonna make
RACHEL: No, no, ACC-cept that. you happy. Guess what Gunther found? [holds up
GAIL: I'm Gail. Chandler's bracelet]
ROSS: Oh.
CHANDLER: Chandler. [waves his arm around, PHOEBE: Hey now you have two. [Chandler looks
exposing the bracelet] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is annoyed] Oh, now you have two.
there. Joey enters.]
GAIL: I, I really have to be somewhere but it was CHANDLER: What am I gonna do, huh? [Joey walks
nice meeting you. CHANDLER: Hey man, look it's my best bud. How ya doin? in behind him]
[Joey doesn't respond] Wow, you are really gettin' good at
CHANDLER: What? [realizes it was the bracelet] that Marcel Marceau thing. Hey, whaddya say uh, we play JOEY: Hey.
Oh this is excellent. You know he coulda gotten me some ball, you and me, huh, whaddya say? [Throws a
a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but basketball to Joey. Joey doesn't move to catch it and the CHANDLER: Hey.
no, he has to get me the woman repeller, the ball takes out a lamp] OK, that's my bad.
eyesore from the Liberace house of crap. JOEY: How come you have two?
JOEY: If you hated the bracelet so much, Chandler, you
PHOEBE: It's not that bad. should have just said so. CHANDLER: Well this one's for you.
CHANDLER: Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you CHANDLER: Well, doesn't the fact that I wore the bracelet JOEY: Get out.
don't have to walk around sporting some reject even though I hated it say something about our friendship
from the Mr. T collection. [Joey walks in behind and how much it means to me? CHANDLER: No, I can't. No no, listen, I, I know how
Chandler] much this means to you and I also know that this is
JOEY: Well, what about the fact that you insulted the about more than just jewelry, [puts bracelet on Joey]
PHOEBE: Chandler, Chandler. bracelet and you made fun of me? it's about you and me and the fact that we're [reading
bracelet] best buds.
CHANDLER: I pity the fool who puts on my CHANDLER: OK, well that's the part where I'm a wank.
jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that. . . [turns But I was hoping we wouldn't focus on that. [Joey goes to JOEY: Wow, is this friendship? I think so. Check it out,
around and sees Joey] Hi. Hey man, we were just his room and shuts the door] Hey, c'mon man, I said I was we're bracelet buddies.
doin' some uhh, impressions over here. Do your sorry like a hundred times, I promise I will never take it off
Marcel Marceau. [Joey turns around and walks out my. . . [notices the bracelet is missing from his wrist] wrist. CHANDLER: That's what they'll call us.
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ROSS: Oh, you know, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna hang out,
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. work on my music. MRS. GELLER: Dance with your father.
Monica and Ross are standing in the kitchen.
Ross is filling out a check] RACHEL: [the shoulders of her dress keep falling off her MR. GELLER: I may not know any of your flash dances
shoulders] Is my hook unhooked? These things keep falling but I'm no slouch on the dance floor.
ROSS: Here you go, you can pay me back down, I can't. . .
whenever you like. MONICA: Alright.
ROSS: Uh, hold, let me see, I don't know. So what're you
MONICA: You have dinosaur checks? gonna do. . . [doorbell rings] [the tape cuts to Monica's parents under the covers]
ROSS: Yeah, yeah I mean, you get your money RACHEL: Oh, the guys are here. MRS. GELLER: Oh, Jack.
and you learn a little something, what's wrong
with that? ROSS: this summer? MR. GELLER: Oh, Judy. Oh, Judy.
MONICA: Nothin', nothin', hey you're a CHANDLER: Work on your music? BOTH: Oh, ohhhhh.
cheapasaurus. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, thank you,
I'm very greatful. [Ross is sitting on the stairs with a laptop keyboard playing [Monica is visibly upset]
'Axel-F'] END
PHOEBE: [Standing in living room with Chandler
and Joey. She pulls a huge bathing suit out of a RACHEL: Oh my God, look there's Roy Gublik. 215 The One Where Rachel and Ross... You
box] Hey, Mon, what is this? Know
MONICA: Ya know, Roy saw Star Wars 317 times. His
MONICA: Oh, um, that was my bathing suit from name was in the paper. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey and
high school. I was uh, a little bigger then. Chandler enter with Chandler covering his eyes and
RACHEL: Where's Chip, why isn't he here yet? Joey leading him.]
CHANDLER: Oh, I thought that's what they used
to cover Connecticut when it rained. ROY: He'll be here OK, take a chill pill. [Chip pins Monica's JOEY: Alright, no peeking. No peeking, no peeking, no
corsage on, Monica then turns and whispers to Rachel] peeking.
JOEY: [pulls out a VCR tape] Hey Monica, what's
on this video tape? MONICA: I just told Rachel that Roy touched my boob. CHANDLER: Alright, alright, but you better be
wearing clothes when I open my eyes.
MONICA: Hey, you got me, put it in. RACHEL: I can't go to my own prom without a date, I can't,
it's too late. JOEY: Alright open your eyes. [opens his eyes to see
ROSS: [Rachel enters] Oh. two black leather recliners and a big screen TV]
MONICA: If you're not going then I don't want to go either.
RACHEL: Hi. CHANDLER: Sweet mother of all that is good and
ROY: Oh, I'm gonna kick Chip's ass. pure.
ROSS: Hi.
MRS. GELLER: [to Ross on the stairs] I have a wonderful JOEY: Huh? Days of our Lives picked up my option.
MRS. GELLER: Over here Jack. OK. I see, Rachel's idea. You should take Rachel to the prom.
coming up the path. Oh doesn't she look pretty. CHANDLER: Congratulations!
Jack, get this. [Rachel enters with a huge nose] ROSS: Doubtful.
JOEY: I know.
RACHEL: Oh my God. MRS. GELLER: Jack, give me that. Talk to your son.
CHANDLER: Now we can finally watch Green Acres
JOEY: What is with your nose? MR. GELLER: Your mother's right. Take her, you can wear the way it was meant to be seen.
my tux.
RACHEL: They had to reduce it because of, of my JOEY: Uh-huh.
deviated septum. ROSS: Dad, she won't want to go with me.
CHANDLER: So uh, which one is mine?
CHANDLER: OK, I was wrong, that's what they MR. GELLER: Of course she would, you're a college man.
used to cover Connecticut. JOEY: Whichever one you want, man. Whichever one
ROSS: I don't know. you want. [Chandler starts to sit in one of the chairs]
MONICA: You know what this is, this is us getting Not that one.
ready for the prom. MR. GELLER: Well, c'mon. Don't ya want to find out?
CHANDLER: [sits down] Ohh yes.
RACHEL: Oh. RACHEL: I can't believe I don't get to go to my own prom,
this is so harsh. JOEY: [sits down] Ohh yeah, that's the stuff.
ROSS: You know what, you guys, we don't have
to watch this. ROSS: OK. Hold my board. CHANDLER: [reaches for the footrest lever] Do we
dare?
ALL: Oh yeah we do. C'mon. MR. GELLER: Atta boy. [Ross scrambles upstairs to change]
JOEY: We dare.
MRS. GELLER: Get a shot of Monica. Where's ROSS: OK, you guys, ya know, I think we've seen enough,
Monica. let's turn it off. BOTH: [both extend the footrests] Aaahhhh. [both
recline their chairs] AAAAHHHHHH.
MONICA: Over here dad. [he pans over and we ALL: No, no, no.
see a torso taking up the whole screen] OPENING TITLES
ROSS: OK, fine, well I'm not gonna watch, alright.
MR, GELLER: Wait, how do you zoom out? [zooms [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and
out and we see an extremely overweight Monica MR. GELLER: C'mon kid, let's go. Joey are sitting in their recliners watching TV. Monica,
eating a big sandwich] There she is. Ross, and Phoebe are there.]
MRS. GELLER: Ahh, are you hadsome.
JOEY: Some girl ate Monica. PHOEBE: I can't believe two cows made the ultimate
MR. GELLER: Let's show 'em. sacrifice so you guys could watch TV with your feet up.
MONICA: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.
ROSS: Uh, just a sec dad. [to himself] OK, be cool, just be CHANDLER: Well they were chair-shaped cows. They
CHANDLER: Ahh, so how many cameras are cool. [walks down the stairs and grabs the flowers out of never would have survived in the wild.
actually on you? the vase on the endtable] OK dad.
ROSS: This screen is amazing, I mean Dick Van Dyke
MONICA: Oh, you look so great. MR. GELLER: [going downstairs] Rachel, ready or not, here is practically life-size.
comes your knight in shining. . . oh no. [Chip has shown up
RACHEL: Ahh, so do you, beautiful. [they hug] and the four are leaving] ALL: Woah!
MONICA: Oops. RACHEL, MONICA, ROY, and CHIP: Bye. MONICA: Rose Marie really belongs on a smaller
screen, doesn't she?
RACHEL: What? MRS. GELLER: Oh, dear. Jack, how do I turn this off?
[Rachel enters]
MONICA: Shoot, I think I got mayonaise on you. MR. GELLER: Press the button.
RACHEL: Hi you guys.
RACHEL: Oh, that's OK, it's just the shoulder, it's MRS. GELLER: Which one? Which button, Jack.
not my dress. ALL: Hey.
MR. GELLER: The button, the button.
MR. GELLER: Everybody smile. RACHEL: Hey you.
MONICA: I can't believe you did that.
MONICA: Oh, dad, turn it off. ROSS: Hey you. [they stand together in front of the
ROSS: Yeah, well. TV.]
MR. GELLER: It is off.
[Rachel, seeing what he did for her, gets up, walks across CHANDLER and JOEY: Woah, hey, yo. [Rachel and
MONICA: Dad, it is not. What's with the red light? the room, and kisses Ross] Ross move]
MR. GELLER: It's the off light. Right Ross? [pans PHOEBE: See, he's her lobster. RACHEL: So, uh, how was your day?
over to see Ross with an afro and moustache]
CLOSING CREDITS ROSS: Oh you know, pretty much the usual, uh, sun
JOEY: Lookin' good Mr. Cotter. shining, birds chirping.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is
ROSS: You look pretty tonight. watching the rest of the tape] RACHEL: Really? Mine too.
RACHEL: Oh, thanks. So, uh, what are you gonna MRS. GELLER: Dance with him. PHOEBE: Hey cool, mine too.
do this summer?
MONICA: Mom, I'm hungry. ROSS: [beeper goes off] Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to
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Season 2
get to the museum. So um, I'll see you tonight. CHANDLER: I'll cancel the sodas. I'm good, I'm not gonna laugh anymore. OK put your
hands back there.
RACHEL: OK. [they go to kiss but everyone's [Scene: Dr. Burke's apartment. Monica and Dr. Burke are
watching so Ross just kisses her on the top of her in the kitchen.] ROSS: No see now, now I can't because uh, I'm
head and leaves] feeling too self conscious.
MONICA: You've got to get back out there, it's your party. RACHEL: Just one cheek.
ROSS: Bye guys.
DR. BURKE: But they're so dull, they're all opthamologists. ROSS: Nuh, uh, the moment's gone.
ALL: Bye.
MONICA: You're an opthamologist. RACHEL: Alright, just put your hands out and I'll back
MONICA: [walks up to Rachel in front of the TV] up into them.
Tonight? DR. BURKE: Only because my parents wanted me to be, I
wanted to be a sherrif. ROSS: That's romantic.
CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey, yo. [they move from
out of in front of the TV] PHOEBE: [entering the kitchen from the party] That's RACHEL: C'mon touch it.
funny, no. Cadillac, cataract, I get it, no I get it, you stay
MONICA: What's tonight? out there. ROSS: No.
RACHEL: It is our first official date. Our first date. DR. BURKE: See. RACHEL: Oh, come on squeeze it.
MONICA: Uh, hello. MONICA: Alright, I'll tell you what. I'll come get you in 5 ROSS: No.
minutes with some sort of um, kabob emergency.
RACHEL: Hi. RACHEL: Rub it.
DR. BURKE: OK. You better. Oh God, here we go. Hey
MONICA: Tonight you're supposed to waitress for wanna see 'em go nuts? Watch this. [grabbing some wine ROSS: No.
me, my catering thing, any of those words trigger glasses and opening the door to the party] Who needs
anything for you? glasses? [everyone laughs] RACHEL: Oh, come on, would you just grab my ass.
RACHEL: God, oh God Monica, I forgot. This is PHOEBE: You are so smitten. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are
our first date. watching a Miracle Wax info-mercial.]
MONICA: I am not.
MONICA: Yes but my mom got me this job. JOEY: Wow, look at that. The car is on fire, yet
PHOEBE: Oh, you are so much the smitten kitten. You somehow it's expensive paint job is protected by the
PHOEBE: OK, I can be a waitress, I can be a should ask him out. Miracle Wax.
waitress.
MONICA: Dr. Burke? I don't think so. I mean, like, he's a CHANDLER: You got a Cheeto on your face
RACHEL: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, grown up. man.[Joey removes the Cheeto and eats it]
thank you. See Phoebe, Phoebe.
PHOEBE: So. You two are totally into each other. [Ross enters]
MONICA: Really Phoebs? Because, you know,
you'd have to be an actual waitress. This can't be MONICA: Phoebe, he's a friend of my parents. He's like 20 JOEY: Hi.
like your 'I can be a bear cub' thing. years older than me.
CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey.
PHOEBE: I can be a waitress. OK watch this. Um, PHOEBE: OK, so what, you're just never gonna see him
gimme two number ones, 86 the bacon, one Adam again? JOEY: What're you doin' here? Aren't you supposed to
and Eve on a raft and rick'em, la-la-la-la-la, be out with Rachel?
la-la-la-la-la. MONICA: Not never. I mean, I'm gonna see him
tomorrow at my eye appointment. ROSS: That was 14 hours ago.
[Scene: Dr. Burke's apartment. Dr. Burke answers
the door for Phoebe and Monica.] PHOEBE: Didn't you like, just get your eyes checked? CHANDLER: So how'd it go?
PHOEBE: It's James Bond. MONICA: Well yeah, but, you know, uh, 27 is a dangerous ROSS: Oh. Listen, have you ever been uh, you know,
eye age. foolin' around with a girl and uh, she started laughin'?
MONICA: Sorry we're late.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Rachel CHANDLER: Yeah, but uh, it was 1982 and my flock
DR. BURKE: Ah, that's OK, come on in. Um, I'm are returning from a movie.] of seagulls haircut was tickling her chin.
sorry, is Monica Geller coming? I was told she was.
RACHEL: C'mon, I'm not saying it was a bad movie, I'm JOEY: She laughed at you?
MONICA: Dr. Burke, it, it's me. just saying, you know, it was a little. . . hard to follow.
ROSS: Yeah. I don't know, I've been wanting this
DR. BURKE: Monica? My God you used to be so. . . ROSS: I told you there was going to be sub-titles. since like ninth grade typing, ya know. And I just want
I mean you, you, you, you must have lost like. . . it to be perfect and right and. . . why isn't that laser
You look great. RACHEL: I know, I just didn't want to wear my glasses on beam cutting through the paint?
my first date.
MONICA: Thank you. This is my friend Phoebe. CHANDLER: It's the Miracle Wax.
She's gonna be helping me tonight. [They start kissing.]
JOEY: It certainly is a miracle.
DR. BURKE: Hi Phoebe, nice to meet you. [Phoebe RACHEL: Monica.
just giggles when they shake] So, how ya been? [Rachel enters]
ROSS: It would really help when I'm kissing you if you
MONICA: I've been great, just great. How have didn't shout out my sister's name. RACHEL: Hi you guys.
you been? [tilting her head]
RACHEL: Honey, I'm just checking. CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey.
DR. BURKE: Oh, well obviously you know Barbara
and I split up, otherwise you wouldn't have done ROSS: Oh. ROSS: Hey.
the head tilt.
RACHEL: Monica. RACHEL: Hi. Listen, I was um, thinkin' about. . .
MONICA: The head tilt?
ROSS: Mon. CHANDLER: Listen can you guys uh, speak up, it's
DR. BURKE: Yeah, since the divorce, when harder for us to hear you when you lower your voice.
anybody asks me how I am, it's always with a RACHEL: Monica.
sympathetic head tilt. [demonstrating] 'How ya [Rachel and Ross go out in the hall]
doin'? You OK?' ROSS: Mon.
RACHEL: OK, listen, I'm sorry about last night and I
MONICA: I'm sorry. [Since they're alone they start kissing and Ross's hands really want to make it up to you.
work their way down until they're on Rachel's butt. Rachel
DR. BURKE: No no, it, it's fine, believe me. I do it starts laughing.] ROSS: No, you, ya know there's no need to make it
too. I always answer with the 'I'm OK' head bob. u. . . how?
[demonstrates] 'I'm OK.' [tilts head] 'You sure?' ROSS: What, what.
[bobs head] 'Yeah, I'm fine.' Hey listen, I've got to RACHEL: Well, I was thinking maybe a um, a romantic
set up the music. I got a new CD changer, of RACHEL: I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry, it's just that when dinner with um, candles and wine and then uh, maybe
course the divorce only left me with 4 CD's to you moved your hands down to my butt, it was like woah, going back to my place for um, dessert.
change. Ross's hands are on my butt. Sorry.
ROSS: Humm, that sounds, I don't, perfect.
MONICA: [her and Phoebe tilt their heads] Oh, ROSS: And that's, that's funny why?
that's too bad. [there's a loud bang at the door so Ross opens it back
RACHEL: Well it's not, honey I'm sorry, I guess I'm just up to find a shoe has been thrown at it]
DR. BURKE: [bobbing his head] I'll survive. nervous. I mean, it's you, ya know, it's us. I mean, we're
crossing that line, sort of a big thing. RACHEL: What's this.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They're
still in their chairs watching TV. Chandler is ROSS: I, I know it's big, I just didn't know it was uh, ha-ha CHANDLER: Could you get us a couple of beers?
ordering a pizza.] big.
[Scene: Dr. Burke's office. Monica is there for her eye
CHANDLER: Uh, two larges, extra cheese on both. RACHEL: OK. [start kissing again and Rachel starts appointment.]
But listen, don't ring the buzzer for 19, ring 20, lauging again]
Geller-Green, they'll let you in, OK. If you buzz our DR. BURKE: I'm going to look into your eyes now.
door, there's no tip for you. OK, thanks. Pizza's on ROSS: OK, my hands were no where near your butt.
the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up. MONICA: Really.
RACHEL: I know, I know, I know, I know. I was just
JOEY: What if we have to pee? thinking about when they were there the last time, I'm DR. BURKE: Yeah, that's my job. Alright, look up. . .
sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. OK, OK, look, woah, I promise, look down, now open your eyes, now look down.
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That's right, look into the light. Now look at me. . . ROSS: [grabs a fur pelt] C'mon.
OK. Your eyes look good. Those are good eyes. MONICA: When?
RACHEL: OK, that's dead right?
MONICA: Good, they feel good, in my head. RACHEL: When I was um, 7, I crashed my bike right out in
front of his house and to stop me from crying he kissed me [Scene: The museum planetarium. Ross and Rachel
DR. BURKE: So, it's great to see ya. right here. [points to the tip of her nose] enter on stage.]
MONICA: You too. PHOEBE: Oh you are so lucky. RACHEL: What is this? What are we doing?
DR. BURKE: You too. RACHEL: I know. ROSS: Shh. Do you want cran-apple or cran-grape?
MONICA: OK, um. Goodbye. ROSS: [on the phone] Woah, woah, woah australopithicus RACHEL: Grape.
isn't supposed to be in that display. No. No. No, n,
DR. BURKE: Drops! homo-habilus was erect, australopithicus was never fully ROSS: [spreads the pelt on the floor] OK, now, sit. OK.
erect. [he starts the music system]
MONICA: What?
CHANDLER: Well maybe he was nervous. RACHEL: Oh, God.
DR. BURKE: Drops. Here, they're free.
[Scene: Museum of Natural History. Ross is fixing a display, [The stereo system booms out 'Billions of years ago. . .'.
MONICA: Thanks. So, I guess I better be going. Rachel is waiting patiently.] Ross gets up and changes it to music.]
DR. BURKE: Oh, OK, yeah. I'll see ya later. ROSS: Oh look, I can't believe this. Look, homo-habilus ROSS: Sorry.
hasn't even learned how to use tools yet and they've got
MONICA: Thanks again. him here wi, with clay pots. Why don't, why don't they just RACHEL: Ah, so what are we looking at?
give him a microwave? I'm sorry, I'm sorry this is taking so
[He kisses her on the cheek, she returns the kiss, long, ya know, I, I, it's just it's longer than I expected, we ROSS: Well uh, you see that, that little cluster of stars
then they embrace in a full on kiss] will have dinner. next to the big one? That is Ursa Major.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They're RACHEL: It's OK, it's fine. RACHEL: Really?
still watching TV. Phoebe stands in front of the TV.] ROSS: I've no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I had to
ROSS: KARL! work tonight.
PHOEBE: We have got to get you lazy boys out of
these chairs. [Ross leaves to find Karl. Rachel takes a peek under the RACHEL: Oh it's OK. You were worth the wait, and I
loincloth of one of the display models.] don't just mean tonight. [they kiss]
CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey, woah, hey, woah.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Dr. ROSS: You're not laughing.
PHOEBE: You know you should go outside and be Burke are sitting on the couch. He's showing her the
with the three-dimensional people. pictures in his wallet.] RACHEL: This time it's not so funny.
JOEY: No, inside good, outside bad. MONICA: Wow, is that Michelle? [They kiss and start undressing. As Rachel tries to pull
off Ross's tie she catches it in his mouth. Then they roll
PHOEBE: You guys are so pathetic, I, oh, OH, DR. BURKE: Yep. across the fur rug.]
XANADU! OH.
MONICA: I've not seen her since high school graduation. RACHEL: Ah, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's OK.
CHANDLER: She's one of us now. Oh my God, that night she got so dru. . . motional.
ROSS: What. Oh no, you just rolled over the juice box.
[Rachel and Ross enter] DR. BURKE: Ya know, she's having another baby.
RACHEL: Oh, thank God.
RACHEL: Hi you guys. MONICA: I thought she just had one.
[Scene: Museum of Natural History. The next morning
ROSS: Hey. DR. BURKE: No no. Henry's almost two and he's talking and Rachel and Ross are sleeping in the display under a fur.]
everyting. Here. You know, the other day he told me he
CHANDLER, JOEY, and PHOEBE: Hey. liked me better than his other grandpa. Now in all fairness ROSS: Hi.
his other grandpa's a drunk but still. . .
ROSS: Well we just wanted to stop by and uh, say RACHEL: Hi you. I can't believe I'm waking up next to
goodnight. MONICA: Oh, you're a grandpa. you.
CHANDLER, JOEY, and PHOEBE: Goodnight. DR. BURKE: Yeah. Are we nuts here? ROSS: I know it is pretty unbelievaaaaah.
ROSS: Look at that, they won't even turn their MONICA: I don't know, maybe. I mean I'm dating a man RACHEL: What?
heads. who's pool I once peed in.
ROSS: We're not alone. [A church youth group is
RACHEL: Alright you guys, I'm takin' off my shirt. DR. BURKE: I didn't need to know that. I guess 21 years is outside the display watching them]
a lot. I mean, hell, I'm a whole person who can drink older
JOEY: [uses a dentist mirror to see] Naa, she's than you. CLOSING CREDITS
lyin'.
MONICA: Yeah. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are still
[Monica enters carrying food that's been delivered] in their chairs, watching Beavis and Butthead.]
DR. BURKE: So.
MONICA: Stop sending food to our apartment. [they're laughing along with the show when an alarm
MONICA: So maybe we should just. . . goes off]
ROSS: Well, why're you all dressed up?
DR. BURKE: Yeah, yeah, maybe. JOEY: Is that the fire alarm?
PHOEBE: You're not the only one who has a date
tonight. MONICA: Wow, this really sucks. CHANDLER: Yeah. [feels the floor] Oh it's not warm
yet, we still have time.
ROSS: What? You have a date? Who with? DR. BURKE: Yeah, it sure does. [they hug and it turns into
a passionate kiss] JOEY: Cool.
MONICA: No one. END
MONICA: Well, we don't really have to decide anything
ROSS: C'mon, what's his name? right now, do we?
216 One Where Joey Moves Out
MONICA: Nothing. DR. BURKE: No, no, there's no rush or anything.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment.
ROSS: Come on, tell me. [knock at the door] Chandler and Joey are sitting at the bar, in their
bathrobes, eating cereal]
MONICA: Alright, but I'm very excited about this DELIVERY GUY: Pizza delivery.
OK, so you gotta promise you won't get all JOEY: Man this is weird. You ever realize Captain
big-brothery and judgmental. MONICA: Oh, I'm gonna kill those guys. Crunch's eyebrows are actually on his hat?
ROSS: Oh, I promise, what. [Scene: Museum of Natural History. Ross enters the CHANDLER: That's what's weird? Joey, the man's
display where Rachel is waiting.] been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years.
MONICA: It's Richard Burke.
ROSS: Rach. [Joey finishes his cereal, licks his spoon, and puts it
ROSS: Who's Richard Burke? Doc, Doctor Burke? back in the silverware drawer.]
You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why, why, RACHEL: Oh.
why should that bother me? I, I love that man, CHANDLER: Waaa-aaah.
he's like a uh, brother to dad. ROSS: I'm done.
JOEY: What?
MONICA: Well for your information he happens RACHEL: Yeah well, you know what, so is uh, Sorentino's.
to be one of the brightest, most sophisticated, CHANDLER: The spoon. You licked and-and you put.
sexiest men I've ever been with. ROSS: Wha, OK, I'm sorry, let's uh, why don't we find You licked and you put.
someplace else.
ROSS: Doctor Burke is sexy? JOEY: Yeah, so.
RACHEL: No, you know what, it's late, everything's gonna
RACHEL and PHOEBE: Oh God, absolutely. be closed. Why don't we just do it another night? CHANDLER: Well don't you see how gross that is? I
mean that's like you using my toothbrush. [Joey gets a
ROSS: [his beeper goes off] It's the museum ROSS: No, no, we won't. sheepish look] You used my toothbrush?
again, can I, oh.
RACHEL: We won't? JOEY: Well, that was only 'cause I used the red one to
RACHEL: Ya know, Dr. Burke kissed me once. unclog the drain.
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we're trying to cover something up.
CHANDLER: Mine is the red one! Oh God. Can [Scene: Tattoo parlor. Phoebe and Rachel are
open, worms everywhere. ROSS: Monica, Monica, you could come in straddling him, deciding on tattoos.]
they still wouldn't believe it. [opens door] We're here.
JOEY: Hey, why can't we use the same toothbrush, PHOEBE: OK Rach, which, which lily? This lily or that
but we can use the same soap? MRS. GELLER: Oh hi kids. Hi darling. lily?
CHANDLER: Because soap is soap. It's MONICA: Happy birthday dad. RACHEL: Well I. . .
self-cleaning.
MR. GELLER: Oh thank you. PHOEBE: I like this lily. It's more open, ya know, and
JOEY: Alright, well next time you take a shower, that's like my mom. She had a more open, giving spirit.
think about the last thing I wash and the first thing ROSS: Hi ma. Ooh, Foghorn Leghorn, ooh.
you wash.
RICHARD: Happy birthday. TATTOO ARTIST: Alright, blonde girl, you're in room
OPENING TITLES two, not so blonde girl, you're with me.
MRS. GELLER: Well, you kids thank Dr. Burke for the ride?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. PHOEBE: Here we go.
Monica and Phoebe are sitting at the table, ROSS: Uh, actually mom, I think Monica thanked him for
Joey and Chandler enter.] the both of us. RACHEL: [reluctantly] Uh-huh.
CHANDLER: Hey. [Scene: The Gellers' kitchen. Monica, Mrs. Geller PHOEBE: You're not going?
and one of Mrs. Geller's friends are preparing the
MONICA and PHOEBE: Hey. cake.] RACHEL: Uh-huh.
JOEY: Hey. FRIEND: Well, you kids take the train in? PHOEBE: What? Is it - is this 'cause of what Ross said?
PHOEBE: Ooh, look at you fancy lads. What's the MRS. GELLER: No, Richard Burke gave them a ride. RACHEL: No. Well, yeah, maybe.
occasion?
FRIEND: Oh. Speaking of whom, I hear he's got some PHOEBE: I don't believe this. Is this how this
JOEY: Well, you know that guy that's on my show 20-year-old twinkie in the city. [Monica sprays whipped relationship's gonna work? Ross equals boss. I mean,
that's in a coma? He's havin' a brunch. cream all over the place] c'mon what is this, 1922?
PHOEBE: Ahh. MONICA: Finger cramp. Oh God, sorry. Here, let me get RACHEL: What's 1922?
that mom.
RACHEL: [enters from her room] OK, ready when PHOEBE: Just, you know, long time ago. Well, when
you are. MRS. GELLER: Sooo, Richard's shopping in the junior men used to tell women what to do - a lot. And then
section. there was suffrage, which is a good thing but is sounds
PHOEBE: Okey-doke. horrible. Do you want to get this tattoo?
MONICA: Are we still on that?
MONICA: I can't believe you guys are actually RACHEL: Yes I do, it's just that Ross is. . .
getting tattoos. MRS. GELLER: We just know she's got the IQ of a napkin.
PHOEBE: OK, hey, HEY. Is your boyfriend the boss of
CHANDLER: Excuse me, you guys are getting FRIEND: She's probably not even very pretty, just young you?
tattoos? enough so that everything is still pointing up. [Monica folds
her arms over her breasts] RACHEL: No.
RACHEL: Yes, but you can not tell Ross 'cause I
want to surprise him. [Scene: Joey's co-star's apartment. Chandler and PHOEBE: OK, who is the boss of you?!!
Joey are at the brunch.]
JOEY: Wow, this is wild. What're you gonna get? RACHEL: You?
JOEY: Can you believe this place?
PHOEBE: Um, I'm getting a lily for my Mom. PHOEBE: No. You are the boss of you. Now you
'Cause her name's Lily. CHANDLER: I know, this is a great apartment. march your heinie in there and get that heart tattooed
on your hip. GO!!
CHANDLER: Wow, that's lucky. What if her name JOEY: Ah, I was just in the bathroom, and there's mirrors
was Big Ugly Splotch? on both sides of you. So when you're in there it's like you're [Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Monica is in
peein' with the Rockettes. the bathroom and Richard comes in.]
JOEY: So where you gettin' it?
CHANDLER: Wow, there's my fantasy come true. No, RICHARD: How ya doin'?
PHOEBE: I think on my shoulder. [Ross enters] seriously.
MONICA: I'm a twinkie.
ROSS: What? What's on your shoulder? JOEY'S CO-STAR: Hey.
RICHARD: Really? I'm a hero.
PHOEBE: Um, a chip. A tattoo, I'm getting a JOEY: Hey! We were just sayin', great apartment man.
tattoo. MONICA: Oh, this is so hard.
JOEY'S CO-STAR: Thanks. You want it?
ROSS: A tattoo? Why, why would you want to do RICHARD: Yeah, I know. I hate it too. Look, maybe we
that? [to Rachel] Hi. JOEY: Huh? should just tell them.
RACHEL: Hi. Well hey, you don't - you don't think JOEY'S CO-STAR: Yeah, I'm movin' to a bigger place. You MONICA: Maybe we should just tell your parents first.
they're kind of cool? should definitely take this one.
RICHARD: My parents are dead.
ROSS: No, sorry I don't. Tell me why would JOEY: Yeah, can you see me in a place like this?
anyone pay someone to scar their body for life? MONICA: God, you are so lucky. I mean, I mean. . .
What if it doesn't come out right Phoebe? Then it's JOEY'S CO-STAR: Why not? You hate park views and high you know what I mean.
like, I don't know, havin' a bad hair cut all the time. ceilings? C'mon I'll show you the kitchen.
Why's everyone staring at me? RICHARD: I know, I know. Just hang in there, OK. OK,
CHANDLER: [being left behind] Oh that's all right fellas, I I'll go out first, alright.
MONICA: Ross, come sign this birthday card for saw a kitchen this morning - on TV. Stop talking. OK.
dad. Rich is gonna be here any minute. MONICA: Alright.
[Scene: Mr. Geller's party. Mr. Geller and a friend
CHANDLER: Oooh, Rich is goin' to the party too, are questioning Richard while Ross observes.] RICHARD: [walks out of the bathroom and runs into
huh? Mrs. Geller who is going to the bathroom] Judy, going
MR. GELLER: C'mon, tell us. to the bathroom, good for you.
MONICA: Well, he's my parents' best friend, he
has to be there. FRIEND: Yeah, is she really 20. MRS. GELLER: Thank you Richard, I appreciate the
support.
JOEY: Oh, is today the day you're gonna tell them RICHARD: I am not telling you guys anything.
about you two? [Monica jumps in the shower. Right after Mrs. Geller
MR. GELLER: C'mon Rich, it's my birthday, let me live enters the bathroom, Mr. Geller peeks his head in.]
MONICA: Yeah. It's my dad's birthday, I decided vicariously.
to give him a stroke. MR. GELLER: Honey. Honey, have you seen my
ROSS: Dad, you really don't want to do that. Harmon Kilerbrew bat? Bob doesn't believe I have one.
PHOEBE: No, I think you should tell them.
MR. GELLER: Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between MRS. GELLER: I have no idea. Did you know Richard
MONICA: No, I don't even know how serious he is friends? has a twinkie in the city?
about me. Until I do, I'm not telling them anything.
RICHARD: Jack, would you let it go? MR. GELLER: I know. He's like a new man. It's like a
ROSS: I don't know, I don't think mom and dad scene from Cocoon.
would mind. Remember when you were 9 and MR. GELLER: Look, I know what you're going through.
Richard was 30, how dad used to say, 'God I hope When I turned 50 I got the Porsche. You... you got your MRS. GELLER: I just never would have pictured
they get together.' own little speedster. Richard with a bimbo.
[Scene: The Gellers' house. Monica, Ross, RICHARD: Guys. Seriously, it is not like that. MR. GELLER: Apparently, he told Johnny Shapiro that
and Richard are arriving to Mr. Gellers she's quite a girl. In fact, he told Johnny that he thinks
birthday party.] MR. GELLER: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends he's falling in love with her.
you can borrow the car and I cou. . .
ROSS: Alright, shall we? MRS. GELLER: Really.
ROSS: Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.
MONICA: OK, wait, wait, wait, wait. You know MR. GELLER: I tell you, I've never seen him this happy.
what? Ross, let's - let's switch places. You get in MR. GELLER: What? I'm kidding. You know I'd never let
the middle. No un-, ya know, unless this looks like him touch the Porsche. MRS. GELLER: So Jack, you ever think about trading
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Season 2
me in for a younger model? MRS. GELLER: She never tells us anything. Ross, did you CHANDLER: Yeah me too.
know Monica's seeing someone?
MR. GELLER: Of course not. With you it's like I've JOEY: I know. Yeah.
got two 25-year-olds. ROSS: Mom, there are so many people in my life. Some of
them are seeing people and some of them aren't. Is that CHANDLER: Yeah. So do we need to hug here or. . .
MRS. GELLER: [they start kissing] Oh Jack stop. crystal?
JOEY: No, we're alright.
MR. GELLER: C'mon, it's my birthday. MRS. GELLER: So, who's the mystery man?
CHANDLER: So I got ya something. [tosses Joey a
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. MONICA: Well, uh, he's a doctor. bag of plastic spoons]
Chandler and Joey are returning from their
brunch.] MRS. GELLER: A real doctor? JOEY: Plastic spoons. Great.
JOEY: Can we drop this? I am not interested in MONICA: No, a doctor of meat. Of course he's a real CHANDLER: Lick away my man.
the guy's apartment. doctor. And he's handsome, and he's sweet, and know
you'd like him. [she puts her arm around Richard] JOEY: These'll go great in my new place. You know,
CHANDLER: Oh please, I saw the way you were 'till I get real ones.
checking out his mouldings. You want it. MRS. GELLER: Well that's wonderful. . . I
CHANDLER: What?
JOEY: Why would I want another apartment, huh? MONICA: Mom, it's OK.
I've already got an apartment that I love. JOEY: Well, I can't use these forever. I mean, let's
RICHARD: It is Judy. face it, they're no friend to the environment.
CHANDLER: Well it wouldn't kill you to say it once
in a while. MRS. GELLER: Jack. Could you come in here for a moment? CHANDLER: No-no, I mean what, what's this about
NOW! your new place?
JOEY: Alright, you want the truth? I'm thinkin'
about it. MR. GELLER: [enters with his bat] Found it. JOEY: I'm movin' out like we talked about.
CHANDLER: What? ROSS: I'll take that dad. [grabs the bat] CHANDLER: Well I didn't think that was serious.
[grabs the spoons back] Ya know I thought that was
JOEY: I'm sorry. I'm 28 years old, I've never lived MRS. GELLER: It seems your daughter and Richard are just a fight.
alone, and I'm finally at a place where I've got something of an item.
enough money that I don't need a roommate JOEY: Well, it was a fight. . . based on serious stuff,
anymore. MR. GELLER: That's impossible, he's got a twinkie in the remember. About how I never lived alone or anything.
city. I just think it would be good for me, ya know, help me
CHANDLER: Woah, woah, woah. I don't need a to grow or. . . whatever.
roommate either, OK? I can afford to live here by MONICA: Dad, I'm the twinkie.
myself. Ya know, I may have to bring in somebody CHANDLER: Well, there you go.
once a week to lick the silverware. MR. GELLER: You're the twinkie?
JOEY: Hey, are you cool with this. I mean, I don't
JOEY: What're you gettin' so bent out of shape for, RICHARD: She's not a twinkie. want to leave you high and dry.
huh? It's not like we agreed to live together
forever. We're not Bert and Ernie. MONICA: Al-alright, l-look you guys, this is the best CHANDLER: Hey, no, I've never been lower or wetter.
relationship I've been in. . . I'll be fine. I'll just turn your, uh, bedroom into a game
CHANDLER: Look, you know what? If this is the room or somethin', you know, put the foosball table in
way you feel, then maybe you should take it. MRS. GELLER: Oh please, a relationship. there.
JOEY: Well that's how I feel. MONICA: Yes, a relationship. For your information I am JOEY: Woah. Why do you get to keep the table?
crazy about this man.
CHANDLER: Well then maybe you should take it. CHANDLER: I did pay for half of it.
RICHARD: Really?
JOEY: Well then maybe I will. JOEY: Yeah. And uh, I paid for the other half.
MONICA: Yes.
CHANDLER: Fine with me. CHANDLER: Alright I'll tell you what, I'll play you for it.
MR. GELLER: Am I supposed to stand here and listen to
JOEY: Great. Then you'll be able to spend more this on my birthday? JOEY: Alright, you're on. I can take two minutes out of
quality time with your real friends, the spoons. my day to kick your ass.
MONICA: Dad, dad this is a good thing for me. Ya know,
[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Mr. and and you even said yourself, you've never seen Richard CHANDLER: Your little men are gonna get scored on
Mrs. Geller enter looking particularly happier. more times than your sister.
refreshed. Monica follows looking rather
pale.] MR. GELLER: When did I say that? JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, woah. Which sister?
MR. GELLER: Who's drink can I freshen? MONICA: Upstairs in the bathroom right before you felt [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica
up mom. and Richard are setting the table.]
MRS. GELLER: Almost time for cake.
[Everyone else enters and all start singing Happy Birthday.] MONICA: So, are you sorry that I told them?
ROSS: Mon, Mon, are you OK?
[Scene: Tattoo parlor. Rachel is showing Phoebe RICHARD: No, it's been a long time since your dad and
MONICA: You remember that video I found of her tattoo.] I went running.
mom and dad?
PHOEBE: Oh that looks so good, oh I love it. [Rachel and Phoebe enter]
ROSS: Yeah.
RACHEL: I know, so do I. Oh Phoebe, I'm so glad you RACHEL: Oh.
MONICA: Well, I just caught the live show. made me do this. OK, lemme se yours.
MONICA: Oh. Well did you get it? Let me see.
ROSS: Eww. PHOEBE: Ahh. OK, let's see yours again.
RACHEL: Is Ross here?
[Scene: Mr. Geller's birthday party. Monica RACHEL: Phoebe we just saw mine, let me see yours.
and Richard are alone in the kitchen.] MONICA: No he went out to get pizza.
PHOEBE: Oh OK. [pulls over her shirt and shows a bare
MONICA: Hey there. shoulder] Oh no, oh it's gone, that's so weird, I don't know RACHEL: Oh really, OK. [shows Monica her tattoo]
how-where it went.
RICHARD: What? MONICA: That's great.
RACHEL: You didn't get it?
MONICA: Nothing, I just heard something nice RICHARD: Very tasteful.
about you. PHOEBE: No.
PHOEBE: Wanna see mine, wanna see mine?
RICHARD: Humm, really? RACHEL: Why didn't you get it?
MONICA: Yes.
[Mrs. Geller and Ross both enter] PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
RACHEL: What? You didn't get one.
MRS. GELLER: Richard. Richard. Your son isn't RACHEL: Phoebe, how would you do this to me? This was
seeing anyone is he? all your idea. PHOEBE: OK, well then what is this? [shows her bare
shoulder]
RICHARD: Uhh, not that I know of. PHOEBE: I know, I know, and I was gonna get it but then
he came in with this needle and uh, di-, did you know they RICHARD: What're we looking at? That blue freckle?
MRS. GELLER: Well, I was thinking, why doesn't he do this with needles?
give Monica a call? PHOEBE: OK, that's my tattoo.
RACHEL: Really? You don't say, because mine was licked
RICHARD: That - that's an idea. on by kittens. RACHEL: That is not a tattoo, that is a nothing. I
finally got her back in the chair, bairly touched her with
MONICA: Well, actually, I'm already seeing [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is a needle, she jumped up screaming, and that was it.
someone. at the bar and Joey enters.]
PHOEBE: OK, hi. For your information this is exactly
MRS. GELLER: Oh? JOEY: Hey. what I wanted. This is a tattoo of the earth as seen
from a great distance. It's the way my mother sees me
RICHARD: Oh? CHANDLER: Hey. from heaven.
ROSS: Ohh. JOEY: Hey listen, I'm sorry about what happened. . . RACHEL: Oh, what a load of crap. That is a dot. Your
mother is up in heaven going, 'Where the hell is my lily,
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you wuss?' OK, Phoebe, that is not a tattoo, this is [Ross goes over behind the guy and grabs the pie out
a tattoo. [she bends over and bears her tattoo ROSS: Get out. of his hood as he leaves]
right when Ross returns]
ALL: No. GUY: What're you doing?
ROSS: You got a tattoo?
MONICA: [looking at some kind of glass sculpture thing] ROSS: I'm sorry, my pie was, was in your hood. Now I
RACHEL: Maybe. But just a little one. Phoebe got Wow Joey, this is, uhh... just have to get the coffee out of that guy's pants and
the whole world. I'll be back in the hospital by 7. [swats at an imaginary
JOEY: Art. insect by his head, guy leaves promptly]
ROSS: Lemme see. [looks]
MONICA: Art it is. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica
RACHEL: Well? is outside the bathroom yelling at Ross who's in
ROSS: [looking at a glass table with a panther shaped the bathroom.]
ROSS: Well it's really. . . sexy. I wouldn't have base] Look, check this out. Is it a coffee table, is it a
thought it would be but. . . wow. panther? There's no need to decide. MONICA: Damnit Ross, get your butt out of the
bathroom.
RACHEL: Really? RACHEL: [holding a pillow made out of 4 inch red fur] Hey,
nice pillow. So now tell me, is this genuine Muppet skin? ROSS: Calm down, I'm blow drying.
ROSS: Yeah, so uh, is it sore or can you do stuff?
PHOEBE: [looking at a water sculpture that looks like a [Rachel enters with laundry and starts folding]
RACHEL: I guess. window with rain running down it] Hey, excellent, excellent
water-table thing. MONICA: Blow drying what, you have no hair.
ROSS: Hey, save us some pizza. [they go off to
Rachel's room] JOEY: Thanks, yeah. I love this but ya know what, it RACHEL: What's goin' on?
makes me wanna pee.
[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler and MONICA: Your boyfriend has been in there for over
Joey are playing foosball for the table.] PHOEBE: Yeah, well me too, yeah. I think that's the an hour. I can't believe it, it's like I'm living with him
challenge. again. He's here when I go to sleep, he's here when I
JOEY: Get out of the corner. Pass it, pass it. wake up, he's here when I want to use the shower,
JOEY: Hey, how come, uhh, Chandler didn't come? ughh. It's like I'm sixteen all over again .
CHANDLER: Stop talkin' to your men. [Joey
scores] ROSS: Well uh, it's cause he had a thing with, wi-, with the RACHEL: Well, you're not sixteen, you're both adults
thing. now.
JOEY: Yes! And the table is mine.
JOEY: Right, I go-, I got it. MONICA: GET OUT YOU DUFUS!!
CHANDLER: Congratulations. [Chandler leaves]
PHOEBE: So why don't ya show us the rest of your casa? RACHEL: Or ya know, he's rubber and you're glue.
[Scene: Chandler's apartment. The whole
gang is helping Joey pack.] JOEY: Yeah. Uh, oh, OH, the best part, c'mon. [leads them ROSS: [comes out] All yours.
to the bathroom, gestures towards toilet, everyone stares,
JOEY: Hey, you guys are still gonna come visit me, uncomprehending] Heh? MONICA: I hope you cleaned your hair out of the
right? drain.
RACHEL: Hey, nice toilet.
CHANDLER: Oh yeah, you got the big TV. We'll ROSS: [in a childish voice] I hope you cleaned your
be over there all the time. . . [Chandler gives him a JOEY: No no no, behind it. hair out of the drain.
look] except when we are here.
ROSS: Wha-, you have a phone in here? MONICA: Shut up.
PHOEBE: I know you're just moving uptown but
I'm really gonna miss you. JOEY: That's right, I have a phone in here. ROSS: [childish voice] Shut up.
MONICA: I know, how can you not be accross the MONICA: Joey, promise me something. MONICA: Cut it out.
hall anymore.
JOEY: Yeah. ROSS: [childish voice] Mi-mi-mii.
RACHEL: Yeah, who's gonna eat all our food, and
tie up our phone lines, and - is that my bra? What MONICA: Never call me from that phone. [Monica goes in the bathroom]
the hell you doin' with my bra?
OPENING TITLES RACHEL: [sarcastically] I've never wanted you more.
JOEY: Oh no-no, it's uh, it's not what you think.
We uh, we used it to, you know, fling water [Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Ross [Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is
balloons off the roof. Remember that, those junior are seated. Rachel is walking over with coffee and a sitting on the bar wearing huge dog-slippers]
high kids couldn't even get theirs accross the piece of pie.]
street. CHANDLER: So, whaddya say boys, should I call him?
[Someone bumps into Rachel and she drops the pie in a [squeezes the ear of one of the slippers and it barks]
CHANDLER: [quietly] Yeah, I remember. guy's hood that's seated at the table. She improvises by Well, ya know what they say. Ask your slippers a
using the plate as a saucer for the coffee.] question... you're going crazy.
ROSS: Hey, let's bring the rest of these down to
the truck. RACHEL: OK, here we go. Honey, I'm sorry, they were all [Joey's apartment, phone rings]
out of apple pie, someone just got the last piece.
[Everyone except Joey and Chandler leave.] JOEY: Hello.
[Phoebe enters]
CHANDLER: So, uhh, em, you want me to uh, CHANDLER: Hey.
give you a hand with the foosball table? PHOEBE: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
You are not gonna believe this. I have just been discovered. JOEY: Hey!
JOEY: Naa, you keep it, you need the practice.
CHANDLER: Now wait a minute, I claimed you in the CHANDLER: Listen, I'm, I'm sorry I didn't make it
CHANDLER: Thanks. name of France four years ago. over there today.
JOEY: So, I guess this is it. PHOEBE: Anyway, OK, now promise you won't like, freak JOEY: Oh, that's OK. You uh, you had a thing.
out and say how great this is until I'm done, OK.
CHANDLER: Yeah, right, yeah, I guess so. CHANDLER: Yeah well, I hear the place looks great.
ALL: OK.
[Joey walks to the door. He stops, turns around.] JOEY: Ahh, forget about it, I'm havin' a ball. How's the
PHOEBE: OK. I just met this producer of this like, teeny apartment doin'
record company, who said that I have a very fresh, offbeat
JOEY: Listen, uh, I don't know when I'm gonna sound and she wants to do a demo of Smelly Cat. CHANDLER: Oh hey, it's, it's terriffic. I mean it's a
see you again. regular space... fest.
ALL: [congradulating her and celebrating]
CHANDLER: Well, I'm guessing uh, tonight at the JOEY: Oh, well great.
coffee house. PHOEBE: I told you not to do that yet. And, she wants to
do a video. CHANDLER: Yeah I just... wanted to call and say hey.
JOEY: Right, yeah. OK. Um, take care.
ALL: [celebrating more] JOEY: Well OK then. [oven timer goes off behind
CHANDLER: Yeah. Chandler] Was that the oven timer?
PHOEBE: I'm not done yet, OK. God. OK, if that goes well,
[Joey walks out and after a few seconds comes they may even want to make an album. CHANDLER: That's right my friend. It's time for...
back in and gives Chandler a big hug. He then
leaves for good and Chandler is left alone in his [everyone is quiet, unsure if she's done or not] BOTH: Baywatch!! [both turn on TV's]
apartment.]
PHOEBE: I'm done now. JOEY: Oh, can you believe they gave Stephanie skin
CLOSING CREDITS cancer?
END ALL: [celebrating]
CHANDLER: I still can't believe they promoted her to
[the guy with the pie in his hood get up to leave] lieutenant.
217 The One Where Eddie Moves In
RACHEL: Oh God. Ross, OK, if you care about me at all, JOEY: Naa, you're just sayin' that 'cause you're in love
[Scene: Joey's new apartment. Everyone you will get the pie out of the man's hood. with Yasmine Blepe.
but Chandler is there. Joey has decorated
the place with tons of tacky stuff.] ROSS: Get the what? CHANDLER: Well, how could anyone not be in love
with Yasmine Blepe?
JOEY: Huh? So whaddya think? Casa de Joey. Huh? RACHEL: Pie in the hood, pie in the hood. Go.
I decorated it myself. JOEY: Hey, hey, they're runnin'
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JOEY: Eddie.
CHANDLER: See, this is the brilliance of the show. ROSS: Look, you wanna get off my back?
I say always keep them running. All the time, CHANDLER: Morning.
running. Run. Run Yasmine, run like the wind. MONICA: You wanna get out of my face?
JOEY: Morning. I just uh, came by to pick up my mail.
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is sitting ROSS: Wait hold on Tony, hold on. [answers second line] [looks for the mail on the table by the door, it's not
between Monica and Phoebe.] Hello. Hi, yeah no, she's right here. Um hold on. [gets first there] Where's the mail?
line] Hi Tony, can I call you back? That's uh, that's my
MONICA: But I thought you wanted to live by sister's boyfriend. CHANDLER: Oh it's uh, over there on the table.
yourself.
MONICA: Give me that. JOEY: You don't keep it over here on this table any
JOEY: I did. I thought it'd be great. I figured I'd more?
have like, time alone with my thoughts but, ya ROSS: OK.
know, it turns out I don't have as many thoughts CHANDLER: No, Eddie likes to keep it over there.
as you'd think. MONICA: Hi sweetie, look before I forget, did I leave my
diaphram at your place? Hi mom. [she starts throwing EDDIE: Alright, here you go my friend. Eggs a-la Eddie,
PHOEBE: Joey, why don't you talk to Chandler oranges at Ross who's looking pleased with himself] huh?
about moving back?
[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is sitting CHANDLER: Oh, ooh.
JOEY: You really think he'd take me? I mean, we on the bar, bouncing a ball against the door. Joey
had a pretty good talk last night but, when I walks in right as he throws the ball and catches it.] JOEY: Huh.
moved out, I hurt him bad.
JOEY: Hey. CHANDLER: What?
MONICA: I promise you, he would definitely want
you back. CHANDLER: So uhh, how's the palace? JOEY: No I just uh, thought you liked your eggs with
the bread with the hole in the middle, a-la me.
[Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is JOEY: You know it's funny you should mention that 'cause
sitting between Rachel and Ross.] I was thinkin'... what's with the boxes? CHANDLER: Well I do, but uh, Eddie makes them this
way and, well they're pretty darn good.
ROSS: I'm telling you, there's no way he's moving CHANDLER: Oh, uhh, actually I uh, have some news.
back. EDDIE: Well you guys, I'm outta here. See ya pals.
EDDIE: Hey Chan, is that Joey guy gonna come by and pick
CHANDLER: But we had one of the greatest talks up his moose hat or should I just toss it out? CHANDLER: See ya. [Eddie leaves]
we ever had last night. I mean it was, it was like
when we first started living together. CHANDLER: Well, uh, why don't you ask him yourself. JOEY: So how you two gettin' along?
Joey, this is my new roommate Eddie.
ROSS: Look, I know you don't want to hear this CHANDLER: Oh, I couldn't be happier.
right now but, we've seen him in his new place, EDDIE: Nice to meet ya.
alright. And he's happy, he's, he's decorated. JOEY: Great, well, I'm happy for ya. [picks up the
JOEY: Likewise. Uh, I'll take that. [grabs moose hat] It's orange juice carton and it's empty] Alright that's it. He
RACHEL: Look, Chandler, he has moved on, OK, what I came for. So, this is new. Where'd you two meet? just comes in here, Mr. Jonny Neweggs, with his, his,
you have to too. his movin' the mail and his, his 'see ya pals'. And now
EDDIE: At the uh, supermarket, in the uh, ethnic food there's no juice. There's no juice f or the people who
CHANDLER: But... section. I helped him pick out a chorizo. need the juice and want the juice. I need the juice.
ROSS: No. You're just gonna have to accept the JOEY: Wow. CHANDLER: There's another carton right over there.
fact that you're just friends now, OK, you're not...
rommmates anymore. CHANDLER: Well you know, we got to talking and uh, he JOEY: Hey, this isn't about juice anymore, alright man.
said he needed a place and I had a spare room.
[Scene: Recording studio. Phoebe is getting CHANDLER: Alright, so what's it about?
ready to record Smelly Cat.] JOEY: Oh, now it's a spare room?
JOEY: Eggs. Who's eggs do you like better, his or mine,
PRODUCER: OK Phoebe, you ready to try one? CHANDLER: Well yeah, in that it's not being used and I... huh?
have it to spare.
PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, CHANDLER: Well I like both eggs equally.
what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up JOEY: Well I uh, got what I came for. [puts on moose hat]
singers start singing smelly, smelly, smelly, smelly I'll uh, I'll see you guys. JOEY: Oh come on. Nobody likes two different kinds of
behind her] Oh woah, oh my God. I mean like, eggs equally. You like one better than the other and I
who was that? CHANDLER: Hey Jo. When'd you start usin' mousse in wanna know which.
your hair?
PRODUCER:They're your backup singers... beind CHANDLER: Well what's the difference? Your eggs
you. EDDIE: [annoying laugh] Is this guy great or what? aren't here anymore, are they? You took your eggs and
you left. You really expect me to never find new eggs?
PHOEBE: OH!! Oh I thought they were just JOEY: Yeah, yeah he is. [leaves]
watching me. You know, like at, like at an [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross
aquarium, ya know. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, and Monica are fighting over the remote.]
Rachel, and Ross are there.]
PRODUCER: Alrighty. From the top. MONICA: I wanna watch Entertainment Tonight.
MONICA: I can't believe he has a new roommate. Who is
PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, this guy? ROSS: Tough noogies, we're watching Predators of
what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up the Serengetti.
singers - smelly, smelly, smelly, really bad smelly ROSS: Uh, Eddie something. He just met him.
cat, it's not your fault] OK, sorry. I'm just, I'm just RACHEL: Would you guys stop.
not getting that everyone um, gets how smelly this RACHEL: It'll never last, he's just a rebound roommate.
cat acually is. I just think that maybe if we could MONICA: It's my TV.
talk about this, 'cause I need to feel that you really [Pheobe enters]
care about the cat. ROSS: Wha-, oh, quit it.
PHOEBE: Hey.
PRODUCER: Honey, uh we, we can talk about this. MONICA: Bite me.
It's just that it's costing about a hundred dollars a ALL: Hey.
minute to be in here. RACHEL: Oh my God.
PHOEBE: Oh, check it out, oh check it out. It's Smelly Cat
PHOEBE: Oh OK. So, um, the cat stinks but you the video. ROSS: Well, Monica keeps changin' the channel.
love it, let's go.
ALL: [cheer] MONICA: Oh that's great, why don't you tell mommy
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. on me.
Ross is on the phone.] PHOEBE: Now OK, I haven't seen it yet so, if you don't like
it, well, so what, none of you ever made a video. [puts the RACHEL: Now I'm mommy in this little play? Alright
ROSS: No, there is no way he was a velociraptor. tape in] OK. look, I refuse to get sucked into this like, weird little
No Tony, look at the cranial ridge, OK. If Dino was Geller dimension thing OK. So I'm gonna go and take a
a velociraptor, he would have eaten the [The video is a very dramatic episode with an obviously nice long hot bubble bath because you kids are driving
Flintstones. Yeah, yeah. [Monica comes out of her dubbed voice for Phoebe. Everyone watches in disbeliefe] me crazy. [goes in the bathroom]
room] Oh, were you takin' a nap?
PHOEBE: Oh my God. MONICA: OK, what're we gonna do about this?
MONICA: I was.
ROSS: I know. ROSS: Well, I guess we could tape Entertainment
ROSS: Oh I-, Oh wait, Tony can you hang on? Tonight.
That's the other line. [gets the other line] Hello. PHOEBE: I sound amazing. I, I, I've never heard myself
Oh yeah she's here but uh, can she call you back? sing before. I mean, except in my own head. Oh, this is so MONICA: Not that, this, US. Oh my God, Ross, you-re,
OK thanks. [hangs up the other line] Call Joanna. cool, now I can hear what you hear. you're, it's jus-, you-, ever sin- you been here.
[back on with Tony] Hi.
RACHEL: Pretty uhm, different huh? ROSS: Ow, ow, OK. Alright, alright, Mon, Mon, you've
MONICA: Did she leave a number? gone ultrasonic again, alright.
PHOEBE: Oh, I am sorry but I am incredibly talented.
ROSS: Did you see me write one down? MONICA: I just can't stand you being here all the time.
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Joey stops
MONICA: I don't have her number, butt-munch. by. Chandler is reading the paper and Eddie is fixing ROSS: Why, why, why can't you stand me being here?
eggs.] I don't, I, we're just, ya know, we're just havin' fun.
ROSS: Well, she'll call back, don't be such a baby.
EDDIE: Hi Joey, what's goin' on man? MONICA: Fun? Fun, you think this is fun?
MONICA: I'm not a baby, you're the baby.
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ROSS: Yeah, c'mon I mean I though, you know, I
thought we're just foolin' around. Like when, uh, CHANDLER: You don't like that show? PHOEBE: Why don't you play with your roommate?
when we were kids.
EDDIE: Wha-, n-, no. I mean it's just a bunch of pretty CHANDLER: Ah he's a, he's not a big fan of foosball.
MONICA: Ross, I hated you when we were kids. people runnin' around on the beach, ya know.
PHOEBE: Uh oh, ooh, are we not getting along with
ROSS: You hated me when we were kids? CHANDLER: Well that's the brilliance of it. The pretty the new boy?
people... and the running.
MONICA: Yes. I hated you. I mean I, I, loved you CHANDLER: No he's, he's alright, just uh, he spends
in a 'you're my brother so I have to' kind of way, EDDIE: I tell ya, I-, I'm gonna go read in my room for a most of his time in his room.
but basically, yeah, I hated your guts. little while.
PHOEBE: Maybe that's because you haven't taken the
ROSS: Why did you hate me? CHANDLER: Oh o-, OK man. time to get to know him. Let's remedy that, shall we?
MONICA: Because, you were mean to me and [Joey's place. He's watching Baywatch, lauging. He goes to CHANDLER: We don't need to remedy that.
you, you teased me and you always, always got say something to Chandler in the other chair but no one's
your way. there. He goes to call Chandler but decides not to.] PHOEBE: Oh yeah, it'll be fun. [throws a tennis ball at
Eddie's bedroom door]
ROSS: And that wasn't fun for you? [Chandler's. He's playing foosball by himself.]
EDDIE: What was that?
MONICA: Duh-huh! [Joey's. Playing ping pong by himself.]
PHOEBE: Hi, um, I just thought that it would be fun if
ROSS: I can't believe you hated me. [All by myself is playing. Chandler is sitting in front of a the three of us had some beers and got to know each
window while it's raining outside. We see Joey through a other.
MONICA: Now I love you. And not just 'cause I rainy window. The camera zooms out to show it's just his
have to. tabletop water sculpture.] EDDIE: Yeah alright, that sounds alright.
ROSS: Really? CLOSING CREDITS PHOEBE: Oh good, ok. Oh nooo, I have to go because
I'm late for my um, Green Eggs and Ham discussion
MONICA: Yeah. You're just gonna have to stop [Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is performing Smelly group. Um tonight it's why he would not eat them on a
pissing me off. Cat.] train. Have fun bye.
ROSS: I can do that. PHOEBE: [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they CHANDLER: That was so lame.
feeding you? Everybody.
MONICA: Then I won't have to kill you. PHOEBE: I know, yeah. Ok, talk to him. [leaves]
ALL: Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, it's not your fault.
ROSS: So you wanna watch uh, Entertainment CHANDLER: So, you uh, you think that Speed Racer
Tonight? PHOEBE: Monica. guy gets a lot of tickets er?
MONICA: Yeah, thanks. You know what? MONICA: [sings] They won't take you to the vet. [Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.
Chandler and Eddie are talking.]
ROSS: What? PHOEBE: Chandler.
EDDIE: That's good, that's good. So, so, so who broke
MONICA: If you really want to watch that CHANDLER: [reluctantly sings] You're obviously not their up with who?
Serengetti thing, you can. favorite pet.
CHANDLER: What're you kidding? I broke up with her.
ROSS: Ohh... OK. [changes the channel] MONICA: Joey. She actually thought that Sean Penn was the capital of
Cambodia.
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and JOEY: [sings] It may not be a bed of roses.
Monica are hanging out.] EDDIE: That's good man, when everybody knows that
PHOEBE: Rachel. the uh, the capital of Cambodia is uh...
[Phoebe enters]
RACHEL: [sings] And you're no friend to those with noses. CHANDLER: Well it's not Sean Penn.
PHOEBE: Hey.
PHOEBE: Uh, Ross, those are the only lines we have, sorry. EDDIE: Not Sean Penn. Alright, I, I've got a funny one,
ALL: Hey. OK, you guys, once more. alright. My last girlfriend Tilly. Ok, we're eating
END breakfast, right, and I made all these pancakes, there
PHOEBE: Listen. You are not going to believe this was like 50 pancakes right. And all of the sudden she
but, that is not me singing on the video. turns to me, alright, and she says, 'Eddie.' I say, 'yeah,'
218 The One Where Dr. Remore Dies she says, 'Eddie, I don't want to see you anymore.' And
ALL: No. it was literally like she had reached into my chest,
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone ripped out my heart, and smeared it all over my life, ya
PHOEBE: Yes. except Ross is there watching Days of Our Lives.] know. And now there's like this incredible abyss, ya
know, and I'm falling and I keep falling and I don't
RACHEL: Well, how did you find out? AMBER: Oh Drake. think I'm ever gonna stop. [finishes laughing] That uh,
wasn't such a funny story, was it?
PHOEBE: Well, OK, the record company sent over DR. REMORE: I'm sorry Amber. It's just like Brad to have to
this piece of paper for me to sign, saying that it's have the last word. [Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is singing. Monica,
OK for someone else to sing for me. That was my Richard, Ross, and Rachel are listening.]
first clue. [Ross enters]
PHOEBE: And a crusty old man said I'll do what I can
MONICA: So what're you gonna do? ROSS: I'm sorry I'm late, what happened? and the rest of the rats played moroccas. That's it,
thanks, good night.
PHOEBE: Well, I can't work with people who MONICA: We, we just wanna see the end.
would do this. RICHARD: Phoebe's got another job, right?
AMBER: I want you Drake.
MONICA: Sure. RACHEL: Great set tonight Phoebs.
DR. REMORE: I know you do but you and I can never be
PHOEBE: I mean this poor woman. together that way. PHOEBE: I know.
ROSS: What woman? AMBER: What? ROSS: Well, we should probably get going.
PHOEBE: The voice woman. Ya know, I mean, DR. REMORE: There's something I never told you Amber. RICHARD: Um, we should go too, I got patients at 8 in
she has a great voice but she doesn't have a video. I'm actually your half- brother. the moring.
RACHEL: OK, Phoebs. But what about you? [Everyone gasps. The show ends.] MONICA: Ya know, I was thinking. Ya know how we
always stay at your apartment? Well, I thought maybe
PHOEBE: Well I have a video, you have to pay RACHEL: So what happens next? tonight we'd stay at my place.
attention. No this, this voice woman, she's so
talented but, according to the producer people, JOEY: Well, I get the medical award for separating the RICHARD: I don't know, I don't have my jammies.
they said she doesn't have like the right look or siamese twins. Then Amber and I go to Venezuela to meet
something, ya know. I mean, it's like, she's like our other half-brother, Ramone. And that's where I find the MONICA: Well, maybe you don't need them.
one of those an imals at the pound who like world's biggest emerald. It's really big but it's cursed.
nobody wants 'cause they're not pretty enough or ROSS: My baby sister, ladies and gentlemen.
you know. Like, like some old dog who's just kind CHANDLER: God that is good TV.
of like stinky and. Huuuuh, oh my God, she's MONICA: Shut up, I'm happy.
smelly cat. Oh, oh that song has so many levels. OPENING TITLES
PHOEBE: Oh, this is so nice. Alright I have to make a
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.] [Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler speech. I just wanna say that of all the guys that
is at the foosball table trying to get Phoebe to play Monica has been with, and that is a lot, I like you the
CHANDLER: Hey Eddie, you uh, wanna play a game with him.] best.
some foosball?
CHANDLER: Phoebs, play with meeee. RICHARD: Oh, thank you Phoebs. That's very sweet.
EDDIE: No thanks man, I'm not uh, I'm not really
into sports. PHOEBE: No. This game is grotesque. Twenty armless PHOEBE: Ok.
guys joined at the waist by a steel bar, forced to play
CHANDLER: [stares in disbeliefe] Yeah o-, OK, soccer forever. Ahh, hello, human-rights violation. RICHARD: Hear that? She likes me best, and
alright. [oven timer goes off] Doesn't matter, time apparently there've been a lot.
for Baywatch. CHANDLER: Ya know Phoebs, don't feel so bad for 'em.
After they're done playing, I break out the little plastic MONICA: Not a lot, Phoebe's kidding, Phoebe's crazy.
EDDIE: Y-, y-, you like that show? women and everybody has a pretty good time.
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RACHEL: Phoebe's dead. DELIVERY GUY: Uhh, I don't know, I just bring the scripts. and Richard are in Monica's bedroom.]
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment. JOEY: They can't kill me, I'm Francesca's long lost son. RICHARD: That's it? That's the giant number you were
Chandler is there. There's a knock at the afraid to tell me?
door. He answers it to see a young woman DELIVERY GUY: Right. Could you sign this?
holding a fishtank.] MONICA: Well yeah.
JOEY: No. No way, I'm not signing that.
TILLY: Hi. RICHARD: Well, that's not bad at all. I mean, you had
DELIVERY GUY: I don't think that's gonna affect the plot of me thinkin it was like a fleet.
CHANDLER: Hi. the show.
MONICA: You really ok with it?
TILLY: I'm looking for Eddie Minowick. JOEY: How can they do this to me?
RICHARD: Oh honey, I'm fine.
CHANDLER: Oh, uh, he's not here right now, uh, DELIVERY GUY: Er, uh, I'm just gonna go. Sorry.
I'm Chandler, can I take a message, or, or a MONICA: Oh, yay. Ok about that two.
fishtank? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica,
Richard, Ross, and Rachel are returning.] RICHARD: What? Alright, what about my two?
TILLY: Thanks.
MONICA: Well it wasn't that many guys. I mean, if you MONICA: Well, it just seems like a really small
CHANDLER: Oh, oh, c'mon in. consider how many guys there actually are, it's a very small number.
percentage.
TILLY: I'm Tilly. RICHARD: Right, and...
RACHEL: Hey, it's not that big a deal, I was just curious.
CHANDLER: Oh. MONICA: And, well, don't you have a lot of wild oats
ROSS: G'night. to sew? Or is that what you're doing with me? Oh my
TILLY: I gather by that oh that he told you about God, am I an oat?
me. RICHARD: Night Richard. Good luck Mon.
RICHARD: Honey, you are not an oat. I, I mean I don't
CHANDLER: Oh yeah, your uh, name came up in MONICA: Alright, before I tell you, uh, why don't you tell know, I, I guess I'm just not an oat guy. I've only slept
a uh, conversation that terrified me to my very me how many women you've been with. with women I've been in love with.
soul.
RICHARD: Two. MONICA: But you've only slept with two people.
TILLY: He's kind of intense huh?
MONICA: Two? TWO? How is that possible? I mean, have RICHARD: Right.
CHANDLER: Yes. Hey, can I ask you, is Eddie a you seen you?
little... MONICA: Wow. Oh wow. You know I love you too,
RICHARD: Well, I mean what can I say? I, I was married to right.
EDDIE: [walks around corner] A little what? Barbara for 30 years. She was my high school sweetheart,
now you, that's two. RICHARD: Now I do. [they kiss and fall to the bed]
CHANDLER: Bit country? C'mon in here you
roomie. MONICA: Two it is. Ok, time for bed, I'm gonna go brush [Ross and Rachel are in Rachel's bedroom]
my teeth. [goes in the bathroom]
EDDIE: Hello Tilly. RACHEL: Ross, Ross, please listen to me. Ross, you
RICHARD: Woah, woah, no wait a minute now. C'mon it's are so much better for me than Paolo ever was. I mean
TILLY: Eddie, I just came by to drop off your tank. your turn. Oh c'mon. Ya know, I don't need the actual you care about me, you're loving, you make me laugh.
number, just a ballpark.
EDDIE: That's very thoughtful of you. It's very ROSS: Oh, hey, if I make you laugh, here's an idea,
thougtful. MONICA: Ok, it is definitely less than a ballpark. why don't you invite Paulo over and have a little romp
in the sack and I'll just stand in the corner and tell
TILLY: Well, ok then. I'm gonna go. Bye. [Rachel's bedroom] knock-knock jokes.
EDDIE: Bye-bye. RACHEL: Wow, I am so glad I'm not Monica right now. RACHEL: God, Ross, look, what you and I have is
special, all Paolo and I ever had was...
CHANDLER: Bye. ROSS: Tell me about it. So what, what's your magic
number? ROSS: Animal sex, animal sex? So what're you saying,
[Tilly leaves] I mean, you're saying that like, there's nothing
RACHEL: Uhhhooo. between us animal at all. I mean there's not even like,
CHANDLER: So, we gettin' a fish? uhm, a little animal, not even, not even like, like
ROSS: C'mon, you know everyone I've been with. All, both chipmunk sex?
EDDIE: You had sex with her didn't you? of them.
RACHEL: Ok, Ross, try to hear me. Ok, I, hey, I'm not
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey enters with RACHEL: Well, there's you. gonna lie to you. Ok, it was good with Paolo.
several magazines and runs up to Phoebe.]
ROSS: Better not be doin' these in order. ROSS: Knock-knock.
JOEY: Phoebs, check it out, check it out, check it
out, check it out. RACHEL: Ok, uh, Billy Dreskin, Pete Carney, Barry, and uh, RACHEL: But, what you and I have is so much better.
oh, Paolo. Ok, we have tenderness, we have intimacy, we
PHOEBE: Oh, ooh, Soap Opera Digest, oh that's connect. Ya know, I swear, this is the best I have ever
one of my favorite digests. ROSS: Oh yes, the weenie from Torrini. had.
JOEY: Page 42, page 42, page 42. RACHEL: Oh honey, are you jealous of Paolo? Oh, c'mon, ROSS: Until now. [jumps on Rachel on the bed]
I'm so much happier with you than I ever was with him.
PHOEBE: Ok, ok, ok. Ooh, hey 'new doc on the [later in the bathroom Monica is looking in the drawer,
block, Days of Our Lives' Joey Tribbiani.' Ooh, cool ROSS: Really? Rachel runs up]
picture.
RACHEL: Oh please. That Paolo thing was barely a RACHEL: Oh, hi.
JOEY: Ooh, I look good. relationship. All it really was was just, ya know,
meaningless animal sex. Ok, ya know, that sounded soooo MONICA: Hi. Richard just told me he loves me.
PHOEBE: Hey is this true, that you write a lot of much better in my head.
your own lines? RACHEL: Oh my God, honey that's great.
[Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.]
JOEY: Uh, well, kinda yeah. Like, remember last MONICA: I know. I just can't find...
week when Alex was in the accident? Well the line CHANDLER: Eddie, I didn't sleep with your ex-girlfriend.
in the script was, 'If we don't get this woman to a RACHEL: Oh they're in the top drawer. Hurry.
hospital, she's going to die.' But I made it, ' If this EDDIE: That's very interesting, ya know, 'cause that's
woman doesn't get to a hospital, she's not gonna exactly what someone who slept with her would say. MONICA: You need one too?
live.'
CHANDLER: This is nuts. This is crazy. She came over for RACHEL: Ooooh yeah.
PHOEBE: Ohh, ok, I see what you did there. like two minutes, dropped off a fish tank, and left, end of
Aren't you afraid though, that the writers are story. [they pull out the box of condoms but there's only one
gonna be kinda mad when they read this? left]
EDDIE: Where's Buddy?
JOEY: Huh? Never really thought about the MONICA: There's only one.
writers. The scripts just kinda come to my house. CHANDLER: Buddy?
But you know what? This makes me look good, RICHARD: Monica.
which makes the show look good, which makes EDDIE: My fish, Buddy.
the writers look good so how could they be mad MONICA: Hi. Uh, we'll be right there, we're just trying
about that? CHANDLER: There was no fish when she dropped it off. to decide something. [shuts the bathroom door]
[Scene: At a writer's desk. The writer is EDDIE: Oh, this is, this is unbelievable. I mean, first you ROSS: [comes out of the bedroom] Rachel. [growls
working on a script for Days of Our Lives.] sleep with my ex-girlfriend then you insult my inteligenct then sees Richard standing there] Hey.
by lying about it and then you kill my fish, my Buddy?
WRITER: Makes up most of his lines. Son-of-a-. RICHARD: Hey. They're just trying to decide somehting.
Yeah, well, write this jerkweed. CHANDLER: Hey I didn't kill your fish. Look Eddie...[puts
his hand on Eddie's shoulder] Would you look at what I'm ROSS: Good, good, good. So, is uh, was your
[Scene: Joey's apartment. The next script is doin' here. That can't be smart. So we're just gonna take moustache, did, used to be different?
being delivered.] this guy right off ya and put him here in Mr. Pocket.
Tangellon? [picks up the fruit an tosses it to Eddie, it hits RICHARD: No.
JOEY: I fall down an elevator shaft? What the hell Eddie in the chest and falls]
does this mean, I fall down an elevator shaft? ROSS: Oh. How do you uh, ya know, keep it so neat?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica
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RICHARD: I have a little comb. AMGER: I love you Drake. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.]
ROSS: Oh. And what do you call that? DR. REMORE: Yeah, whatever. Oh no. [Ross comes out of Rachel's bedroom in her bathrobe
and heads for the bathroom. On his way back, Richard
RICHARD: A moustache comb. AMBER: Drake, look out. comes out of Monica's bedroom in her bathrobe.]
RACHEL: Ok, I, I will do your laundry for one DR. REMORE: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. ROSS: Hey.
month.
MONICA: Did they just kill off Joey? RICHARD: Hey.
MONICA: No.
ROSS: No. [sound of Dr. Remore's body hitting the bottom ROSS: Hey.
RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok, I will, I will, I, hey, I will of the shaft] Now maybe.
clean the apartment for two months. RICHARD: Ohh, brisk tonight.
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Everyone is outside
MONICA: Alright, I tell you what, I'll give this to knocking.] ROSS: Oh man.
you now if you can tell me where we keep the
dustpan. ROSS: C'mon. RICHARD: Let's never speak of this.
RACHEL: Rock-paper-scissors? JOEY: I don't feel like talkin. 219 The One Where Eddie Won't Go
MONICA: Yeah. RACHEL: Oh c'mon Joey, we care about you. [Scene: Chandler's bedroom. Chandler is
sleeping and Eddie is there watching him.]
RACHEL and MONICA: One two three. [Rachel CHANDLER: We're worried about you.
picks rock, Monica picks scissors] [Chandler wakes up]
MONICA: And some of us really have to pee.
RACHEL: Yeesss. CHANDLER: Hey Eddie. Daahh!! What're you doin'
[Joey opens the door] here?
MONICA: Fine, go have sex.
MONICA: Sorry Joey [runs to the bathroom] EDDIE: Nothin' roomie, just watchin' you sleep.
RICHARD: No. You have got it completely wrong.
John Savage was deerhunter, no legs, John Voit JOEY: Hey. CHANDLER: Why?
was coming home, couldn't feel his legs.
PHOEBE: Listen, sorry about your death, that really sucks. EDDIE: Makes me feel um, peaceful, heh-heh, please.
ROSS: No, no way. You've got it totally the other
way around my friend. John Voit was... CHANDLER: We came over as soon as we saw. CHANDLER: I can't sleep now.
RACHEL: Honey. ROSS: How could you not tell us? EDDIE: You want me to sing?
ROSS: What, what oh....[Ross and Rachel go into JOEY: I don't know, I was kinda hopin' no one would ever CHANDLER: No, look, that's it, it's over, I want you
her room] find out. out, I want you out of the apartment now.
RICHARD: Shall we? RACHEL: Well, maybe they can find a way to bring you EDDIE: Woah, woah, woah, what're, what're you
back. talkin' about man.
MONICA: It's not gonna happen. They're doing it
tonight, we can do it tomorrow. JOEY: Naa, they said that when they found my body, my CHANDLER: Hannibal Lecter...better roommate than
brain was so smashed in that the only doctor that could you.
RICHARD: Uh, in the future, if I could see the have saved me was me. Supposed to be some kind of irony
schedule beforehand... or somethin. EDDIE: No. See now I don't think you're being fair. I
mean one night you see me and you get scared, I
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. All PHOEBE: But Joey, you're gonna be fine. You don't need mean, what about all the other nights when you don't
but Joey are present.] that show, it was just a dumb soap opera. see me, huh? What about last night when you went
and got a drink of water and I was nice enough to hide
CHANDLER: So, when I woke up this morning, JOEY: Phoebe, this was the greatest thing that ever behind the door, what's that about, huh?
he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes. happened to me.
CHANDLER: I didn't realize that.
MONICA: Why? PHOEBE: Yes, I was going to incorporate that. Oh good,
here's Monica, she'll have something nice to say. EDDIE: Yeah.
CHANDLER: Because he thinks I slept with his
ex-girlfriend and killed his fish. MONICA: Um, I straightened out your shower curtain so CHANDLER: GET OUT NOW!!
you won't get mildew. What? To me that's nice.
PHOEBE: Why would you kill his fish? EDDIE: Ok, you really want me out?
CHANDLER: It's gonna be ok. You know that?
CHANDLER: Because sometimes, Phoebe after CHANDLER: Yes please.
you sleep with someone, you have to kill the fish. JOEY: No, I don't. It's like, ya know, you work your whole
life for somethin' and you think that when you get it it's EDDIE: Ok, then I want to hear you say it, I, I want to
RACHEL: Chandler honey, I'm sorry. Ok, can we never gonna be as good as you thought it would be. But hear you say you want me out.
watch Joey's show now please? [they turn on the this so was. Ya know, it changed everything. Like the other
TV] day, I got this credit card application, and I was pre- CHANDLER: I want you out.
approved. Huh? I've never been pre-approved for anything
ROSS: Yeah. in my life. EDDIE: No no no, I wanna hear it from your lips.
MONICA: Wait, he's not here yet. CHANDLER: I'm sorry man. CHANDLER: Where did you hear it from before?
RACHEL: So, he's on the show, he knows what RACHEL: Yeah, Joey honey, I don't know if this'll mean EDDIE: Oh, right, all right, you know what pallie I
happens. anything to you but you'll always be pre-approved with us. understand, consider me gone, you know what, I'll be
out by the time you get home from work tomorrow.
ROSS: Yeah. JOEY: No, that means nothin to me.
[Eddie leaves the room and Chandler mouths "Thank
MONICA: Alright. [Scene: Chandler and Eddie's apartment.Chandler you" to himself]
walks in to see Eddie holding a tray of cookies.]
CHANDLER: Oh, I'm fine about my problem now, EDDIE: I heard that.
by the way. CHANDLER: Uhhhaahh.
OPENING TITLES
RACHEL: Oh good. EDDIE: Pecan sandy, just made em.
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are
DR. REMORE: Amber, I want you to know that I'll CHANDLER: Yeah alright. What're these, raisins? there, Joey enters wearing an old looking hat.]
always be there for you, as a friend and as your
brother. EDDIE: Uh, sure, why not. JOEY: Hey.
AMBER: Oh Drake. CHANDLER: [throws it across the room while Eddie's not MONICA: Hey.
looking] Listen Eddie, um, I've been thinking about our
DR HORTON: Hard day huh? First the medical current living situation and uh, why are you smiling? RACHEL: Hey. Whe-ell, look at you, finally got that
award, this. time machine workin' huh?
EDDIE: I got a little surprise, look. There's a new fishie. I
DR. REMORE: Some guys are just lucky I guess. named him uh, Chandler, you know, after, after you. JOEY: Seriously, you like it? This guy was sellin' them
on 8th avenue and I looked at 'em and I though, you
INTERCOM: Dr. Remore, report to first floor CHANDLER: [looks in the fish bowl to see a fish cracker] know what I don't have?
emergency, stat. Well that's not an, even a real fish. No, that's a goldfish
cracker. MONICA: A mirror?
DR. REMORE: Well then, uh, I uhh, guess that's
me. Anyone else need to go on the elevator? Dr. EDDIE: What's you point man? JOEY: Fine, make fun. I think it's jaunty.
Horton, Dr. Wong?
CHANDLER: Ok, good night. [walks towards his room] MONICA: Wow, for a guy who's recently lost his job,
DR. HORTON: No, no, they only said you. You big freak of nature. you're in an awfully good mood.
DR. REMORE: Oh, ok. Alright. CLOSING CREDITS JOEY: Hey, I'll be alright. I mean it's not like I'm
starting from sqare one. I was Dr. Drake Remoray on
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Days of Our Lives. Heh? I mean that's gotta have along, I know it.'
some kind of cache. RACHEL: Uhh, I mean this is like reading about my own
life. I mean this book could have been called 'Be Your Own ROSS: But I don't know it. What I do know is that you
MONICA: Cache? Jaunty? Windkeeper Rachel'. owe $2300 at Isn't it Chromantic.
JOEY: Chandler gave me word of the day toilet PHOEBE: I don't think it would have sold a million copies JOEY: Hey Ross, I'm aware of what I owe.
paper. I'm gonna get some coffee. but it would have made a nice gift for you.
ROSS: Ok, well then get some sense. I mean it took
[Phoebe enters] ROSS: Hey you guys. you what, 10 years to get that job, who knows how
long it's gonna be till you get another.
PHOEBE: Hey. MONICA: Hey.
JOEY: Look, I don't wanna hear this right now.
MONICA: Hey. ROSS: Uh, sweetie we've gotta go.
ROSS: Huh, I'm just saying...
RACHEL: Hey. RACHEL: NO!
JOEY: Well don't just say.
PHOEBE: Oooh, so so so, did you read the book? ROSS: No?
ROSS: Ya know, maybe, maybe I should just go.
MONICA: Oh my God, it was incredible. RACHEL: No, why do we always have to do everything
according to your time table? JOEY: Ok.
PHOEBE: Didn't it like totally speak to you?
ROSS: Actually it's the movie theatre that has the time ROSS: Ok. I'll see ya later. Just think about it, ok.
RACHEL: Woah, woah, woah, what book is this? schedule. So you don't miss the beginning.
JOEY: I don't need to think about it. I was Dr. Drake
MONICA: Rachel you have to read this book. It's RACHEL: No, see this isn't about the movie theatre, this is Remoray. That was huge. Big things are gonna happen,
called Be Your Own Windkeeper. It's about how about you stealing my wind. you'll see. Ross, you still there?
women need to become more empowered.
MONICA: You go girl. I can't pull that off can I? [Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler peeks
PHOEBE: Yeah and oh, and but there's, there's in the door. He doesn't see Eddie so he enters,
wind and the wind can make us Goddesses. But ROSS: Excuse me, your, your, your wind? breathing a sigh of relief. Eddie pops up from
you know who takes out wind? Men, they just take behind the bar.]
it. RACHEL: Yes, my wind. How do you expect me to grow if
you won't let me blow? EDDIE: Hey pal.
RACHEL: Men just take out wind?
ROSS: You, you know I, I don't, have a- have a problem CHANDLER: Ahhhh-gaaaahhh. Eddie what're you still
PHOEBE: Ya-huh, all the time, cause they are the with that. doin' here?
lightning bearers.
RACHEL: Ok, I just, I just really need to be with myself EDDIE: Ah, just some basic dehydrating of a few fruits
RACHEL: Wow. right now. I'm sorry. and vegetables. MAN ALIVE this thing's fantastic!
PHOEBE: Yeah. PHOEBE: Um-um, um-um. CHANDLER: Look Eddie, aren't you forgetting
anything?
RACHEL: Well that sounds kinda cool, kinda like RACHEL: You're right, I don't have to apologize. Sorry.
The Hobbit. Damnit! EDDIE: Oh yeah, that's right, look I got us a new
goldfish. He's a lot fiestier that the last one.
MONICA: It is nothing like the Hobbit. It's like [Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey and Ross enter.]
reading about every relationship I've ever had, CHANDLER: Maybe 'cause the last one was made by
except for Richard. JOEY: What is it? Pepperidge Farm. Look Eddie, isn't there something
else you're supposed to be doing right now?
PHOEBE: Oh yes, no, Richard would never steal ROSS: I, I don't know, it's got all this stuff about wind and
your wind. trees and there's some kind of sacred pool in it. I mean, I EDDIE: Well, not unless it's got something to do with
don't really get it but she's, she's pretty upset about it. dehydrating my man because right now I'm a
MONICA: No. dehydrating maniac!
JOEY: See, this is why I don't date women who read.
PHOEBE: No, 'cause he's yummy. Uh-oh. CHANDLER: Look you have to help me out here. I
thought we had a deal. I thought by the time...
MONICA: Yes. But all the other ones. ROSS: What, what's that?
EDDIE: Ah-ah-ah, you know what that is?
PHOEBE: Oh yes. Oh and, the part about how JOEY: It's my VISA bill. Envelope one of two. That can't be
they're always like drinking from out pool of inner good. CHANDLER: Your last roommate's kidney?
power, but God forbid we should take a sip.
ROSS: Open it, open in. EDDIE: That's a tomato. This one definitely goes in the
JOEY: Anybody want a croan. display.
JOEY: Oh my God.
PHOEBE: Ok, this is a typical lightning-bearer [Scene: Central Perk. Joey goes up to the bar to
thing. Right there, it's like, um, 'Hello, who wants ROSS: Woah. order.]
one of my fallic shaped man cakes?'
JOEY: Look at this, how did I spend so much money? JOEY: Hey Gunther, let me get a lemonade to go.
[Scene: Estelle Leonard Talent Agency.Joey
is there.] ROSS: Uh Joey, that's just the minumum amount due, GUNTHER: Lemonade? You ok man?
that's your total due.
ESTELLE: Don't worry about it already. Things JOEY: Ah, it's career stuff. I don't know if you heard
happen. JOEY: Ahh. but they killed off my character on the show.
JOEY: So, you're not mad at me for getting fired ROSS: What, woah, woah, $3500 at porcelain safari? GUNTHER: Oh, that's too bad. How'd they do it?
and everything?
JOEY: My animals. Hey the guy said they suited me, he JOEY: I fell down an elevator shaft.
ESTELLE: Joey, look at me, look at me. Do I have spoke with an accent, I was all confused. I don't know what
lipstick on my teeth? I'm gonna do. GUNTHER: That sucks. I was buried in an avalanche.
JOEY: No, can we get back to me? ROSS: Well I guess you can start by drivin a cab on JOEY: What?
Another World.
ESTELLE: Look honey, people get fired left and GUNTHER: I used to be Bryce on All My Children.
right in this business. I already got you an audition JOEY: What?
for Another World. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
ROSS: That audition. Chandler is sleeping on the couch. Monica walks
JOEY: Alright. Cab driver number two? by and starts watching him.]
JOEY: That's a two line part.
ESTELLE: You're welcome. [Chandler wakes up]
ROSS: Joey, you owe $1100 at I Love Lucite.
JOEY: But I was Dr. Drake Remoray. How can I go CHANDLER: Daaahhhh!
from bein' a neurosurgeon to drivin' a cab? JOEY: So what.
MONICA: Aaahhhhhhh! Aaahhhh!
ESTELLE: Things change, roll with em. ROSS: So suck it up man, it's a job, it's money.
CHANDLER: Why must everybody watch me sleep?
JOEY: But this is a two line part, it's like takin' a JOEY: Hey, look, I don't need you getting all judgemental There'll be no more watching me sleep, no more
step backwards. I'm not gonna do this. and condescending and pedantic. watching.
ESTELLE: Joey, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I ROSS: Toilet paper? MONICA: I wa-
told Al Minser and his pyramid of dogs. Take any
job you can get and don't make on the floor. JOEY: Yeah. CHANDLER: Uuuh.
JOEY: I'm sorry. See ya. ROSS: Look, I'm not being any of those things, ok, I'm just [Scene: Chandler's apartment. Chandler is
being realistic. returning from Monica and Rachel's with his
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Phoebe, and bedding. Eddie is standing at the bar with his
Rachel are there. Rachel has just finished JOEY: Well knock it off, you're supposed to be my friend. dehydrator and loads of fruit.]
reading the book.]
ROSS: I am your friend. EDDIE: Hey man, check it out, I got some great stuff to
RACHEL: Oh, God, oh, God, I mean it's just so. dehydrate here. I got some grapes, got some apricots,
JOEY: Well then tell me things like, 'Joey you'll be fine,' I thought it would be really cool to see what happens
MONICA: Isn't it. and, 'Hang in there,' and, and, 'Somethin' big's fonna come with these water balloons.
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CHANDLER: Get out. Get out, get out, get out, RACHEL: Well not when they find out you slept with Jason MONICA: Are you sure this time?
get out, get out, get out. Hurley an hour after he broke up with Monica.
CHANDLER: Yes, yes I actually saw him leave. I mean
EDDIE: What? MONICA: One hour? You are such a leaf blower. that guy is standing in the window holding a human
head. He is STANDING IN THE WINDOW HOLDING A
CHANDLER: You, move out. Take your fruit, your [Monica goes into her room and slams the door. Rachel HUMAN HEAD!
stupid small fruit and GET OUT! does the same. Phoebe, without a door to slam, opens a
small chest and slams the lid.] EDDIE: [enters] Check it out man, I tore it off some
EDDIE: You, you want, you want me to move out? mannaquin in the alley behind Macy's.
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is watching movers
CHANDLER: Uh-huh. take all his stuff away.] MONICA: There is no alley behind Macy's.
EDDIE: I uh, I gotta tell you man, I mean, that's JOEY: Oh hey uh, be careful with that 3-D last supper, EDDIE: So I got it in the junior miss department, big
uh, it's kinda out of the blue, I mean don't you Judas is a little loose. diff. Anyway check it out man, it's gonna make a hell of
think? a conversation piece at out next cocktail party, huh pal?
ROSS: [enters] Oh my God, what's goin' on?
CHANDLER: This is not out of the blue, this is CHANDLER: Our next cocktail party?
smack dab in the middle of the blue. JOEY: They're takin all my stuff back. I guess you were
right. EDDIE: Yeah, you know, put chips in it, we'll make like
EDDIE: Ohhhh. Relax, take it easy buddy. Tell me a chip chick.
twice, you want me to go? Alright, alright, guess ROSS: No look I wasn''t right, that's what I came here to
I'll be back for my stuff. [walks out the door and tell you. I was totally hung up on, on my own stuff. Listen, CHANDLER: Eddie, do you remember yesterday?
after a pause comes back in] But if you think for I'm someone who needs the whole security thing, ya know.
one second I'm leaving you alone with my fish, To know exactly where my next paycheck is coming from EDDIE: Uh yes, I think I vaguely recall it.
you're insane Jack! buy you, you don't need that and that's amazing to me. I
could never do what you do Joey. CHANDLER: Do you remember talking to me
CHANDLER: You want some help. yesterday?
JOEY: Thanks Ross.
EDDIE: No help required Chico. [reaches into the EDDIE: Uh, yes.
tank and grabs the fish and puts it in his pocket] ROSS: Yeah. And you should hold out for something
bigger. I can't tell you how much respect I have for you not CHANDLER: So what happened?
[Scene: Joey is at the cab driver interview.] going to that stupid cab driver audition.
EDDIE: We took a road trip to Las Vegas man.
JOEY: All the way to the airport huh? You know JOEY: I went.
that's over 30 miles, that's gonna cost you about CHANDLER: Oh sweet Moses.
so bucks. ROSS: Great, how did it go?
MONICA: So on this road trip, did you guys win any
CASTING GUY: Excuse me, that's 50 bucks. JOEY: I didn't get it. money?
JOEY: What? ROSS: Good for you. EDDIE: Naah, I crapped out, but Mr. 21 over here he
cleans up, 300 bucks, check it out he buys me these
CASTING GUY: Five oh dollars. JOEY: What? new shoes, sweet huh?
JOEY: Ohh, you know what it is? It's smudgy ROSS: You're livin' the dream. MONICA: Nice.
'cause they're fax pages. Now when I was on Days
of Our Lives as Dr. Drake Remoray, they'd send JOEY: Huh? EDDIE: Yeah. Well see ya upstairs. See ya pals.
over the whole script on real paper and everything.
ROSS: All right then. PHOEBE: Is anyone else starting to really like him?
CASTING GUY: That's great.
JOEY: [movers removing a glass parrot] Oh, not my parrot. [Scene: Hallway outside Chandler and Joey's
JOEY: And, and just so you know, if you wanted apartment. Eddie walks up.]
to expand this scene like, like have the cab crash ROSS: What?
or somethin', I could attend to the victims 'cause I [Eddie tries his key and it won't work. He knocks and
have a background in medical acting. JOEY: I can't watch this. Chandler answers the door. He's got the door chained.]
CASTING GUY: Ok, listen, thanks for coming in. ROSS: [approaching the mover holding the parrot] Hey CHANDLER: May I help you?
hold on, hold on. How much for the uh, how much to save
JOEY: No no, uh, don't thank me for comin' in. Uh, the bird? EDDIE: Why doesn't my key work and what's all my
at least let me finish. Uh, we could take the stuff doin' downstairs?
expressway but uh, this time of day you're better MOVER: 1200.
off taking the budge. You were goin' for the word CHANDLER: Well, I'm, I'm sorry...[Eddie forces his
bridge there weren't ya. I'll have a good day. [gets ROSS: Dollars? You spent $1200 dollars on a plastic bird? head in the door] Ahhh. Have we met?
up and leaves]
JOEY: Uhhh, I was an impulse buyer, near the register. EDDIE: It's Eddie you freak, your roommate.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are sitting ROSS: Go ahead, go ahead with the bird. Ok, do you have CHANDLER: I, I'm sorry, I uh [unchains the door and
around the coffee table.] anything for around 200? opens it all the way] I already have a roommate. [Joey
turns around in the leather recliner]
PHOEBE: Ok, question number 28, have you ever MOVER: Uh, the dog. [points to a big poecelain greyhound]
allowed a lighning bearer to take your wind? I JOEY: Hello.
would have to say no. ROSS: Huh.
CHANDLER: Yeah, he's lived here for years, I don't, I
MONICA: And I would have to say pah-huh. MOVER: Yeah. don't know what you're talking about man.
PHOEBE: What? ROSS: I'll take it. My gift to you man. EDDIE: No he, he moved out and I moved in.
MONICA: Do you not remember the puppet guy? JOEY: Thanks Ross. I really like that bird though...I'll take CHANDLER: Well I, I think we'd remember something
the dog though. like that.
RACHEL: Yeah you like totally let him wash his
feet in the pool of your inner power. [Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Phoebe are sitting JOEY: I know I would.
ignoring each other. Rachel walks up with two
MONICA: And his puppet too. pieces of cake.] EDDIE: Well that's uh, that's a good point. Um ok, well,
uh, I guess I got the wrong apartment then. I, I'm,
PHOEBE: Yeah ok, well at least I didn't let some RACHEL: Here are your cakes. look, I'm, ya know, I'm sorry, I'm terriably sorry.
guy into the forest of my righteous truth on the
first date. MONICA: We didn't order cake. JOEY: Hey no problem.
MONICA: Who? RACHEL: No, I know, they're from me. Look you guys this CHANDLER: See ya. [shuts the door] Goodbuy you
is not good. I mean we have enough trouble with guys fruit drying psychopath. So you want me to help you
PHOEBE: Paul. stealing our wind without taking it from each other. unpack your stuff?
MONICA: Oh. MONICA: You're right. JOEY: Na, na I'm ok. Oh and uh, just so you know, I'm
not movin' back in 'cause I have to. Well, I mean, I do
RACHEL: Ok, ok, ok, moving on, moving on, next RACHEL: You know. have to. It's just that that place wasn't really, I mean,
question. Ok number 29, have you ever betrayed this is...
another goddess for a lightning bearer? Ok, PHOEBE: I love you goddesses. I don't ever want to suck
number 30. your wind again. CHANDLER: Welcome home man. [they hug and
jump around]
MONICA: Woah, woah, woah, let's go back to 29. RACHEL: Thank you. So are we good?
JOEY: A little foos?
RACHEL: Not uh, not to my recollection. MONICA: We're good.
CHANDLER: Absolutely.
MONICA: Huuh, alright, Danny Arshak, ninth RACHEL: We're good?
grade. Oh, c'mon Rach, you know the bottle was JOEY: What happened to the foosball?
totally pointing at me. PHOEBE: Yeah.
CHANDLER: Ah that's a cantelope.
RACHEL: Only 'cause you took up half the circle. RACHEL: Ok, let me take these cakes back 'cause they're
gonna take that out of my paycheck. CLOSING CREDITS
PHOEBE: Listen to you two. It's so sad. Looks like
I'm gonna be going to the goddess meetings alone. CHANDLER: [enters] Ding dong, the psycho's gone. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They
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are hauling out the porcelain dog from RICHARD: Wow. Well being a huge Knicks fan myself, I MONICA: Hey. Where is he, where's Richard? Did you
Joey's room. Chandler is holding the dog by think you should take someone who's a huge Knicks fan. ditch him?
the rear in a rather interesting position.]
CHANDLER: Ok, that's Eric. JOEY: Yeah right after we stole his lunch money and
CHANDLER: Hey look, are we gonna have to gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you, he's
bring this out every time Ross comes over? RICHARD: Glad to be of help. Matches. [walks out to the parking the car.
balcony]
JOEY: He paid a lot of money for it. MONICA: So'd you guys have fun?
MONICA: I meant, why don't you take Richard to the
CHANDLER: I'm gonna hold him a different way. game? What? CHANDLER: Your boyfriend is so cool.
Look I don't understand, if you hated it so much,
why did you buy it in the first place? JOEY: I don't know. MONICA: Really?
JOEY: Well, I had a whole ceramic zoo thing goin' MONICA: C'mon. Keeps his fingers to himself and he's CHANDLER: Yeah, he let us drive his Jaguar. Joey for
over there but now, without the other ones, it just always minty fresh. 12 blocks, me for 15.
looks tacky.
CHANDLER: I don't know, Richard's really nice and RACHEL: Wow, he must like you the best.
CHANDLER: So is he housetrained or is he gonna everything, uh, it's just that we don't know him really well,
leave little bathroom tiles all over the place? Stay. ya know, and plus he's, ya know, old [Monica gives him a JOEY: Oh, what about that thing he did when he
Good, STAY! Good fake dog. glare] -er than some people, but, uh, younger than some tipped the guy who showed us to our seats. You never
END buildings. even saw the money, it was like this. [With money in
his palm] Hey Chandler, thanks for showing us to our
MONICA: So what, he's a little older, big deal, I mean he's seats [shakes his had and passes the dollar].
220 The One Where Old Yeller Dies important to me. Ya know if you ask him, he might take
you on his Jag. [walks off] CHANDLER: You're welcome. Hey Joey, thanks for
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. parking the car [passes the dollar back].
Phoebe enters to see Monica, Richard, Ross, JOEY: How do we say yes now and make it seem like we're
and Rachel tearfully watching TV.] not doin' it just to ride in the cool car? JOEY: No problem. Hey Chandler
PHOEBE: Hey. Watcha guys doin? CHANDLER: Ok, this could be tough. CHANDLER: I think they get it.
RICHARD: Monica's making us watch Old Yeller. JOEY: [Monica walks back in the kitchen] Ok ok ok ok. JOEY: Ok.
Monica, we'll bring him, but only if he takes the Jaguar.
PHOEBE: Why are you guys so upset? It's Old [Richard enters]
Yeller, it's a happy movie. CHANDLER: Ooh, you almost had it.
CHANDLER: There's the man.
RACHEL: What? [Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is holding Ben.]
JOEY: He-he-eyy. [Shakes his had and passes the
ROSS: What're you talkin' about? ROSS: [smells Ben's butt] No no, you're fine, you're fine. dollar]
PHOEBE: C'mon, happy family gets a dog, CAROL: [enters with Susan] Hello RICHARD: Hey, you're gettin' better. I'm gonna keep
frontier fun. this by the way.
ROSS: Hi.
ROSS: Yeah but Phoebs, what about the end? JOEY: Ok. He kept my dollar.
SUSAN: Hey.
PHOEBE: What when Yeller saves saves the [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Carol
family from the wolf and everyone's happy? CAROL: Hi honey. and Susan are dropping off Ben.]
RACHEL: That's not the end. ROSS: Oh you guys are not gonna believe what happened. MONICA: So your first whole weekend without Ben,
what're you guys gonna do?
PHOEBE: Yu-huh. That's when my mother would CAROL: What?
shut off the TV and say 'The end'. CAROL: Uh, we're going down to Colonial
SUSAN: What? Williamsburg.
MONICA: What about the part where he has
rabies? ROSS: Ok, we were sitting over there playing on the floor SUSAN: Yeah, a woman I went to college with just
and he grabs the table and he pulls himself up. He pulled became the first female blacksmith down there.
PHOEBE: He doesn't have rabies, he has babies. himself up. Standing man. I'm sorry you guys missed it but
That's what my mom said. I did tape it so it you guys want to see it. ROSS: Well, ya know, they're a little behind the times
in Colonial Williamsburg.
RICHARD: Uh, Phoebe, I don't think your mom CAROL: Uhh, we know, he already did it last week.
would want you to see what's about to happen. CAROL: Think I better go before mommy starts
SUSAN: You can watch our tape if you want. weeping.
PHOEBE: What, what's about to happen? [starts
watching] I've never seen this part before. Hey, ROSS: I don't believe this. I miss, I miss the first time of ROSS: Buy mommy.
Travis, watcha doin' with that gun? Oh no, no no everything. I missed, what, the first time he rolled over, the
Travis, put down the gun. No no no no, he he's first time he crawled. What else did I miss? Has he spoken CAROL and SUSAN: We love you. Buy.
your buddy, he's your Yeller, no, no no, the end, yet, is he driving, does he have a favorite liquour?
THE END. [hear the gunshot from the TV] ROSS: Have a good time. Ok, Ben.
[Scene:Monica and Rachel's apartment. CAROL: Actually, he is getting closer on the talking thing.
Richard is on the balcony smoking and He can't quite say mama yet, but once he said yumen. MONICA: Ross.
Monica is on the phone.]
ROSS: Ooh, I, I'm so sick of missing stuff. Ya know, I want ROSS: Yeah.
MONICA: Hey, have you guys eaten, because uh, him for more than, than a day, I want him for a whole
Richard and I just finished and we've got weekend. No listen , I mean, I feel like- MONICA: Look. [they look at Joey in the kitchen with
leftovers... Chicken and potatoes... What am I a cigar in his mouth, looking at his reflection in a
wearing?...Actually, nothing but rubber gloves. CAROL and SUSAN: Great. That would be fine. spatula] Joey, do you know we can see you from here?
[Chandler and Joey come sprinting in] ROSS: Really? I mean, I, I had a whole speach prepared. JOEY: How come Richard looks so much cooler with
one of these than me?
JOEY: Ya know, one of these times you're gonna SUSAN: Oh shout, that would have been fun.
really be naked and we're not gonna come over. ROSS: Well for starters, you may want to light it and
ROSS: Oh look, did, did you just see that? Did you see? He lose the spatula.
MONICA: Alright, I've got a leg, three breasts and just waved, he just waved, he's never waved before,
a wing. you've never waved before. Yes he has. Very good. MONICA: You know what, I think it's cute, you trying
to be more like Richard.
CHANDLER: Well, how do you find clothes that fit? [Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are there.
Phoebe enters carrying video tapes.] JOEY: Not like him, per-se, just not un-like him.
JOEY: Oh, hey, Monica, we've got a question.
PHOEBE: Hey. [Chandler enters with his hair full of mousse and a
MONICA: Alright, for the bizillionth time, yes I see cheesy moustache]
other women in shower at the gym, and no I don't RACHEL: Hey Phoebs, whatcha got there?
look. ROSS: Look it's the artist formerly known as Chandler.
PHOEBE: Ok, Love Story, Brian's Song, and Terms of
JOEY: No, not that one. We're trying to figure out Endearment. CHANDLER: Just tryin' somethin' here, ya know.
who to bring to the Knicks game tonight, we have
an extra ticket. MONICA: Wow, all you need now is The Killing Fields and MONICA: So Joey, why didn't you grow a moustache?
some guacamole and you've got yourself a part-ay.
CHANDLER: Yeah, Ross can't go so it's between JOEY: Oh we flipped for it. I got the cigar, he got the
my friend Eric Prower who has breath issues and PHOEBE: Yeah, I talked to my grandma about the Old moustache. Figured if we both grew it, we'd look like
Dan with the poking. [starts poking Monica in the Yeller incident, and she told me that my mom used to not dorks.
shoulder] 'Did you see that play? Do you want show us the ends of sad movies to shield us from the pain
some more beer? Is that Spike Lee?' and sadness. You know, before she killed herself. ROSS: Yeah, you really sidestepped that land mine.
MONICA: Ok. [Richard walks in] Hey, why don't [Chandler and Joey enter] CHANDLER: Hey listen, we've gotta go, I promised
you ask Richard? Richard we'd meet him downstairs.
CHANDLER: Hey.
JOEY: Ok, uh, hey Richard, if you had an extra MONICA: You're meeting Richard?
ticket to the Knicks game and you had to choose JOEY: Hey.
between a friend who smells and one who bruises JOEY: Yeah, we're goin' to a Ranger game.
you who would you pick? RACHEL: Hey.
CHANDLER: Yeah, didn't he tell ya?
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about what our childrens' names are gonna be. You
MONICA: Well, he told me he was going out with PHOEBE: Uh huh, what is happening to the world? I mean, know what our childrens names are gonna be.
the guys, I just didn't know that you were the guys. no no no, 'cause ET leaves, and and Rocky loses, Charlotte
dies. ROSS: No, no, I mean, ya know, I, I read a book and
CHANDLER: You hear that? We're the guys. there was a girl named Emily and I thought, I thought
RICHARD: Charlotte who? that might be good.
JOEY: We're the guys.
PHOEBE: With the web, the spider she dies, she does. She RACHEL: What was the book?
MONICA: With that moustache doesn't Chandler has babies and dies. It's like ya know, hey welcome home
remind you of Aunt Sylvia? from the hospital, thud. ROSS: The big book of childrens' names.
ROSS: Thank you. MONICA: Alright, you wanna feel better? RACHEL: Ok, Ross, Ross, ok listen, what we have is
amazing.
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is working. PHOEBE: Yeah.
Ross enters with Ben.] ROSS: Yeah.
MONICA: Ok, here, watch this.
ROSS: Hi, we're visitiing. It's Ben and his da-da. RACHEL: But I do not want to have everything
Da-da. Can you say da-da? Look, I'm gonna tell PHOEBE: It's a Wonderful Life. Yes I've heard of this. decided for me. I spent my whole life like that. It's
your momies you said it anyway so you might as what I had with Barry, that was one of the reasons I
well try. MONICA: So you can't lose, it's there in the title. left. I, I like not knowing right now and I'm sorry if that
Wonderfullness is baked right in. scares you but if you want to be with me you are
RACHEL: No luck huh? gonna have to deal with that.
PHOEBE: Please, I almost fell for that with, uh, Pride of
ROSS: Naa. A while ago I got a sah out of him, the Yankees, I thought I was gonna see a film about ROSS: Ok fine.
which I thought, ya know, might turn into Yankee pride and then, boom, the guy gets Lou Gehrig's
sah-condary caregiver but... Hey, would you uh, disease. RACHEL: Thank you.
would you hold him for a sec, 'cause I, I gotta take
this off. RICHARD: Uh, the guy was Lou Gehrig. Didn't you kinda ROSS: We're not done.
see it coming?
RACHEL: Oh, yeah sure, Ok. [she takes Ben and RACHEL: I didn't know that.
holds him at arms length] PHOEBE: Phoebe, just watch that, I promise it will resotre
all your faith in humanity. ROSS: Ok, then you're gonna have to understand that
ROSS: What're you doing? you're with a guy who's not gonna stop planning his
CHANDLER: [runs in] Hey, big guy, game time. future with you because he knows that we're gonna
RACHEL: Uh, I'm holding Ben. end up together and if that scares you, tough, 'cause
RICHARD: Hey, be right there. you're gonna have to deal with that.
ROSS: Yeah, well, he's a baby not a bomb.
MONICA: There's a game? RACHEL: Fine, I will.
RACHEL: Ok.
CHANDLER: Uh, yeah, I just got my pick-up sticks back ROSS: Good, 'cause I love you.
ROSS: Well just hold him like you'd hold a football. from the shop. Bring your nerves of steel.
RACHEL: Oh yeah.
RACHEL: This is how I would hold a football. RICHARD: It's the basketball playoffs.
ROSS: Yeah.
ROSS: Ok, here, here. There we go. MONICA: Listen, um honey, I appreciate this but you
don't have to keep hanging out with them for me, I mean, RACHEL: Well I love you too.
RACHEL: Ok, I'm sorry, I'm just not very good they have each other.
with babies. I mean I haven't been around them, I ROSS: Well that's the first time we've said that.
mean, you know, since I was one. RICHARD: Oh, no, honey, I mean, don't worry, I like
hanging out with those guys. It's fun for me. They're RACHEL: Yes it is.
ROSS: It's alright, it's no big deal. different than my other friends, they don't start sentences
with, 'You know who just died shoveling snow?' ROSS: Well, I'm gonna kiss you.
RACHEL: Really?
MONICA: Alright that's great, then just go. Go Knicks. RACHEL: Well you better.
ROSS: Yeah, definitely, I'm sure you'll feel totally
different when it's our baby. RICHARD: Uh, it's the college playoffs. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica
is in the kitchen, Phoebe enters.]
RACHEL: What? MONICA: Oh, then go Vassar.
PHOEBE: Hey. Oh thanks for the great movie tip.
ROSS: What? RICHARD: Uh, they're not in it.
MONICA: Did you like it?
RACHEL: You think about stuff like that? MONICA: Ok, then just go.
PHOEBE: Oh yeah. You know, I don't know if I was
ROSS: Uhh, yeah. I mean, actually I kinda think RICHARD: Ok. [leaves] happier when um George Bailey destroyed the family
that we'll have, we'll have two babies. business or um, Donna Reid cried, or when the mean
MONICA: Oh, why does this bother me so much? I mean I pharmacist made his ear bleed.
RACHEL: Two, two babies? don't wanna be one of those people who tells their
boyfriend they wanna spend 24 hours a day with them. MONICA: Alright, I'll give you the ear thing but don't
ROSS: Yeah. Ya know, a boy and a girl. Hopefully you think the ending was pretty wonderful?
the girl will come first so Ben here won't feel too PHOEBE: Sure.
competitive. PHOEBE: I didn't watch the ending, I was too
MONICA: It's just that he doesn't have that much free depressed. It just kept getting worse and worse, it
RACHEL: Then what's gonna happen? time, ya know, and I don't know, what do I do? should have been called, "It's a sucky life and just
when you think it can't suck any more it does."
ROSS: Well, we won't wanna raise kids in the city PHOEBE: Does it matter? You're ultimately just gonna die
so we'll probably move to uh, Scarsdale. or get divorced or have to blow your pets head off. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment.
Chandler and Joey are playing Richard at
RACHEL: Uh-huh. RACHEL: [enters] Aghh. foosball.]
ROSS: Yeah, that way I figure, ya know, we'll be PHOEBE: Me too. [leaves] CHANDLER: Kick save and... denied.
far enough away from our parents that we don't
have to see them all the time but close enough MONICA: I've got a question. Richard made plans again RICHARD: But... he gets it back, pass to the middle,
that they can come over and babysit whenever we with the guys. lines it up and... BAM! Yes! Could that shot BE any
want. And yes, I know, the taxes are a little higher prettier?
than, let's say, Nassau county but the school RACHEL: Yeah well, Ross just made plans for the whole
system's supposedly great. century. JOEY: Man you are incredible.
RACHEL: Wow. Wow, that's great. Great. Ok, MONICA: Ya know what, I think I'm gonna go to my room RICHARD: Well, we had a table in college.
wow, you know what. and read Cosmo, maybe there's something helpful in there.
Know what, at least maybe I can learn how to do an at CHANDLER: Oh really, I didn't know they had foosball
ROSS: Huh? home bikini wax with leftover Cristmas candles. in the 1800's.
RACHEL: I'm off my break now so uh, um here ROSS: [enters] Ok, what the hell happened back there? RICHARD: Nice moustache by the way. When puberty
you take this [hands back Ben] and um, I am hits that thing's really gonna kick in.
gonna go pour these very nice people some coffee. RACHEL: I don't know, you tell me. One minute I'm
Ok. Oh look at that, I don't have a pot. I don't have holding Ben like a football, the next thing I know, I've got MONICA: [enters] Honey. Uh, not to sound too
a pot. Well, hey, maybe I've got one at home, or in two kids, I'm living in Scarsdale complaining about the Florence Henderson but, dinner's on the table.
Scarsdale. Hey is that a door? [leaves] taxes.
RICHARD: Ok, just one more point.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. ROSS: Well I'm sorry, I think about stuff. Ya know, I mean,
Monica and Richard are there. Phoebe you're at work, you're assembling bones, your mind MONICA: [grabs the other two bars on Richard's side
enters.] wanders. and scores] Score! Now can we go?
PHOEBE: Hey. RACHEL: Ross, you have planned out the next 20 years of CHANDLER: See, that's why we don't let her play.
our lives, we've been dating for six weeks.
RICHARD: Hey Phoebs, what's happening? RICHARD: Is everything all right?
ROSS: C'mon, what, you never think about our future?
PHOEBE: Oh, ok, murder, cancer, soccer teams MONICA: Um-hmm.
eating each other in the Andes. RACHEL: Yes, but I, I think about who's apartment we're
gonna sleep at tomorrow night and, and where we're RICHARD: Uh-oh.
MONICA: So you watched the movies huh? gonna have dinner next Saturday night. I do not think
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CHANDLER: Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, ROSS: Something about hi. PHOEBE: No, 'cause you just said dad and
it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much everywhere I go today I keep getting signs telling me
of his time. SUSAN: That's so exciting. to go see my father. Like when I was walking over here
and I passed a buffet...which is my father's last name.
JOEY: Yeah, he's just really great to hang around CAROL: Mommy is so proud of you. Hi. Hi.
with. EVERYONE: Ahh.
RACHEL: You know, actually it's more like, hi.
RICHARD: Well. PHOEBE: And they were serving franks which is his
CAROL: Hi. first name minus the s at the end. And there was a
JOEY: No no, seriously, Chandler and I were just rotisserie with spinning chicken.
talkin about this. He is so much cooler than our RACHEL: Hi.
dads. [Chandler starts kicking him below the table] MONICA: His indian name?
I mean, you know, our dad's are ok, ya know, but CAROL: Hi.
Richard is just- ow, ow. What are you kickin me for? PHOEBE: No because I chickened out the last time
Huh? I'm tryin to talk here. RACHEL: Hi. when I tried to meet him. So I mean coincidences? I
don't think so.
RICHARD: Uh, you guys see me as a dad? CAROL: Hi.
ROSS: Freakish.
JOEY: Oh yeah. RACHEL: Hi.
MONICA: Wow.
CHANDLER: No. CAROL: Hi.
JOEY: Freaky.
JOEY: Nooooo. SUSAN: Ok, this could go on for a while.
MONICA: Weird, weird.
CHANDLER: Your just, your just clearly not CAROL: We've got a cab waiting downstairs.
familiar with our young persons vernacular. See, RACHEL: Ok, so uh, who wants the last hamburger?
when we say dad, we mean buddy. We mean pal. ROSS: Well, this was fun. Uh, we should really do it again
sometime, wha'dya say? Ok. Alright so I've got him. PHOEBE: Oh, alright, that's it, now I have to go see
RICHARD: Uh-huh, yeah. him.
CAROL: Tuesday.
CHANDLER: No no, seriously, Joey's my dad, MONICA: Why?
Monica's my dad. I've even got some dads down at ROSS: Tuesday right. Ok, bye you guys.
work. PHOEBE: Hamburger. McDonald's. Old MacDonald
RACHEL: Take care. had a farm, my dad is a pharmacist.
RICHARD: That's fine. Well, your other dad and I
are gonna go have a romantic evening and I guess ROSS: Bye Ben. OPENING TITLES
I'll just see you kids around.
BEN: Bye. [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross enter
MONICA: Nighty-nite. in sweats carrying rackets.]
RACHEL: Did, did he just, did he, did he just say, he said
CHANDLER: You're not a dad. You're not a dad. bye. He said bye. You said, you said bye to me. You said CHANDLER: Man, I am so beat.
bye to me.
JOEY: Not a dad. ROSS: Oh yeah.
SUSAN: Suddenly I'm seeing him go off to college.
CHANDLER: I can't believe you got us into CHANDLER: Hey, you just wanna forget about
trouble. [slaps Joey on the arm. Joey takes CAROL: We've gotta go, we've got that cab waiting. raquetball and hang out here?
exception and slaps him back]
ROSS: Alright, alright, ok. Bye. ROSS: Yeah alright.
MONICA: [her and Richard return to her place]
So are you ok? BEN: Bye. [they sit at the couch]
RICHARD: Yeah, just, I feel like I'm about a ROSS: Bye. BIG BULLY: [walks back from the counter] Hey you're
hundred. I thought I was just one of the guys. in our seats.
BEN: Bye.
MONICA: Come here. I'll make you feel like one ROSS: Oh, sorry we didn't know.
of the guys. You know for a really cool guy, you ROSS: Bye.
suck at foosball. LITTLE BULLY: [walks back from the counter] Hey, we
BEN: Bye. were sitting there.
RICHARD: What're you talkin' about, I was killin'
'em. ROSS: Bye. CHANDLER: Ok, there is one more way to say it, who
knows it?
MONICA: Yeah, well they suck too. CLOSING CREDITS
LITTLE BULLY: Is that supposed to be funny?
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Rachel is [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe is
changing Ben's diaper under Ross's watching Bert and Ernie with Ben.] CHANDLER: No actually, I was just going for colorful.
supervision.]
ERNIE: Oh wow, look at this nice deep hole I've been BIG BULLY: What's with this guy?
ROSS: Ok, and then you take the poopie diaper digging. Hey Bert, isn't this a nice hole here. Hey.
and you put it in the poopie diaper pail. LITTLE BULLY: What's with you?
PHOEBE: [pauses the tape] Ok, Ben, this is the part where
RACHEL: Ok Ross, just so you know, calling it a Ernie buries Bert in the sand and can't find him. Now, I've ROSS: Uh, nothing, nothing's with him. Enjoy your
poopie diaper doesn't make this process any cuter. looked ahead on the tape and he does find him again. But, coffee.
ok, before that happens, there's some pretty rough goin'
ROSS: [doorbell buzzes] Hello. for a while but I think we can handle it. And, there's just [as they're walking off, little bully grabs Chandlers hat
the alphabet but we know that ends well so. Ok, here we from behind and puts it on himself]
CAROL: It's us. go. [starts the tape again]
CHANDLER: What just happened?
ROSS: Come on up. I'm gonna get the rest of his ERNIE: Bert, Bert. Bert. Hey, what happened to my friend
stuff together. [walks in his room] Bert? He was here just a moment ago. Oh no, my old friend LITTLE BULLY: I just took your hat. See, I can be funny
Bert is lost. too. My, my joke is that I, I took your hat.
RACHEL: Ok, we can do this now, can't we Ben?
Yes we can, yes we can. [finishes the diaper] PHOEBE: Oh, I'm so glad you're here. CHANDLER: That, that is funny. Can I have it back?
There. I did it. I did it. Look at that, oh, stays on END
and everything. Hi. LITTLE BULLY: No.
BEN: Hi. 221 The One With the Two Bullies CHANDLER: No?
RACHEL: I'm sorry, what did you just say? Did [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone BIG BULLY: No.
you just say hi? Oh my God, Ross, Ross, Ben just is there. Monica is watching stock prices on a
said 'Hi'. business channel.] ROSS: Ok, ok, you know what? I think you're very
funny. Kudos on that hat joke. But, come on guy just,
ROSS: Wha, what? JOEY: Hey Monica, why are we watchin' the business just give him back the hat.
channel?
RACHEL: Ben just said hi. BIG BULLY: Why should we?
MONICA: 'Cause I was going by it the other day and I saw
ROSS: What, the word hi? that there was a stock with my initials, MEG, on it and, well, ROSS: Because it's a special hat. [Chandler looks at
sometimes I have to watch for two or three hours before it Ross funny] See he bought it 'cause he was feeling
RACHEL: Ye-, no, my Uncle Hi. comes up again but when it does, it's pretty exciting. really down one day so he got the hat to cheer himself
up, ya know. Now Chandler...
ROSS: Great, great, and I miss that too, I miss RACHEL: Ok honey, you really need a job.
everything. CHANDLER: Stop talking, stop talking now. Let me
ROSS: Mon, speaking of which, dad says he knows just get this straight. You're actually stealing my hat?
RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I just bring it out someone you can call for an interview.
in him. BIG BULLY: You got a problem with that?
MONICA: Really.
CAROL and SUSAN: Hello. CHANDLER: No, just wanna make sure we're on the
PHOEBE: Ok, right there. That, that's the third sign today. same page.
RACHEL: Guess what. Ben just said his first word. Right there.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey
CAROL: What did he say? ROSS: On behalf of everyone, I'd just like to say behuh. and Rachel are sitting there and Monica walks
in.]
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Season 2
house.]
RACHEL: Hey, how'd the interview go? RACHEL: Are you kidding me?
JOEY: Hey Phoeb's, I think you're good to go.
MONICA: It bit. It was a 50's theme restraunt. I PHOEBE: Look kibbles, bits. Oh God, alright, get the hell
have to cook in a costume and dance on the off my leg you yippity piece of crap. [Flings the dog off and PHOEBE: Yeah, I don't know.
counter. I mean I was a chef at Cafe des Artistes. I jumps in the cab. The dog keeps jumping up to the
mean how could I take a job where I have to make window.] Ok, alright, we have a problem. RACHEL: What's the matter?
something called Laverne and Curly Fries?
JOEY: Well why don't you just reach out and take his PHOEBE: I just think that this was a really bad sign,
RACHEL: So don't do it. trampoline. ya know. I mean, like the beast at the threshold, you
know. It's just like, I have no family left, ya know. I
MONICA: How can I not do it? I have $127 in the RACHEL: Ok, here, I know what we can do. [grabs Joey's mean except for my grandmother, you know, but let's
bank. sadwich and throws it out the window] face it, she's not gonna be around forever, despite
what she says. And I have a sister who I've barely
JOEY: Monica, relax, go get a beer. JOEY: Hey, hey, hey no. spoken to since we like shared a womb. I don't know,
this is my real father and I just, I want things to be like
MONICA: I don't want a beer. RACHEL: Ok, doggie get the- aahhh. Ok go get the just right.
sandwich, get the sandwich doggie. [dog ignores the
JOEY: Who said it was for you? sandwich] Good doggie get the sandwich, get the...ok, RACHEL: Yeah Phoebe, I completely understand.
Joey, the dog will lick himself but he will not touch your
ROSS and CHANDLER: [both enter looking down] sandwich, what does that say? JOEY: Yeah, whatever you need. Hey, you wanna go
Hhhiiii. home?
JOEY: Well if he's not gonna eat it, I will.
RACHEL: What's the matter with you? PHOEBE: Ok, thanks. Sorry, again
PHOEBE: Are you crazy?
CHANDLER: The mean guys at the coffee house [She starts the cab and pulls forward. We hear a squish
took my hat. JOEY: Phoebs, he's just a little dog. [turns back to the car and a dog yelp.]
window and the dog is halfway through it.] Ahhh.
RACHEL: Noo. PHOEBE: [innocently] What was that?
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross are sitting
JOEY: You're kiddin'. at the couch.] JOEY: Uhh, I'm guessing the threshold's clear now.
ROSS: It was ridiculous. Ya know, these guys, CHANDLER: Hey. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey is
they were bullies, actual bullies, ya know. We're eating breakfast, Rachel has just gotten up, and
grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to ROSS: What? Monica is on the phone.]
happen anymore.
CHANDLER: Do you have to be a Century 21 real-estate MONICA: I wanna buy 5 shares of SGJ and I wanna
RACHEL: Oohhh. agent to get to wear those really cool jackets? buy them now. C'mon time is money my friend. Thank
you. Wooo.
ROSS: Hi. ROSS: Do you say this stuff to girls?
RACHEL: Time is money my friend?
RACHEL: Hi. [Ross turns to Rachel and they hug] BIG BULLY: Hehehehey, isn't that the guy who used to
wear your hat? JOEY: Yeah, you missed, 'Takes money to make
CHANDLER: Ohhh [turns as if to hug someone] money,' and uh, 'Don't make me come down there and
Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one. LITTLE BULLY: And look where they're sitting. kick your wall street butt.'
JOEY: Hey, woah, let's go down there and get ROSS: You're joking, right? You guys just walked through MONICA: Hey, I made $17 before breakfast, what
your hat back. the door. have you done?
CHANDLER: Na, forget it, it's probably stripped BIG BULLY: Maybe we didn't make it clear enough. JOEY: Well uh, I had breakfast here so technically I
and sold for parts by now. saved $3.50.
LITTLE BULLY: Yeah.
MONICA: [seeing TV] Hey, I went up. RACHEL: How did you make $17.
BIG BULLY: This couch belongs to us.
RACHEL: What? MONICA: Well, my financially challenged friends, I
CHANDLER: Alright, I'll tell you what, you call the couch split my money and I bought some shares of CHP and
MONICA: My stock, MEG, it went up 2 points. Hey and then, and then we'll call the couch, and we'll see who it ZXY.
guys, do you realize that if I had invested my $127 comes to.
in myself yesterday that I'd like have...a lot more JOEY: How come those?
than that today. Ya know what, I'm gonna do it. BIG BULLY: You know what I keep wondering? Why you
two are still sitting here. MONICA: Well, CHP because I used to have a crush
JOEY: Do what? on Eric Estrada. And ZXY becuase I think it sounds
ROSS: Alright, that's it. I've had enough of this, alright. zexy.
MONICA: Put all my money in me. Gunther, these guys are trying to take our seat.
RACHEL: What happened to uh, MEG.?
RACHEL: Monica, what are you talking about? GUNTHER: Fellas, these guys were here first.
You don't know the first thing about the stock MONICA: MEG was good for me but I dumped her. Ya
market. BIG BULLY: Oh, sorry, I didn't realize. know, my motto is get out before they go down.
MONICA: What's to know? Buy sell, high low, LITTLE BULLY: Sorry. JOEY: That is so not my motto.
bears bulls...[on the phone] Yes Manhattan...yeah
telephone number of the stock...selling store. GUNTHER: There you go. PHOEBE: [enters] Hey.
[Scene: Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe pulls ROSS: Thank you Gunther. We didn't want to have to go RACHEL: Hey Phoebs. Oh hey, how's the dog?
up in the cab with Rachel and Joey in the and do that.
back.] PHOEBE: Ok, I talked to the vet, people are so nice
LITTLE BULLY: He told on us? upstate. Anyway, he said that the little fella's gonna be
[Phoebe slams on the breaks. Joey and Rachel are ok and I can pick him up tomorrow.
thrown forward into the pillows in their laps.] BIG BULLY: You told on us?
JOEY: Good.
JOEY: See, didn't I tell ya these pillows would be a ROSS: Well pal, you didn't give me much of a choice.
good idea? [flicks the ends of the big bully's tie] RACHEL: Oh, thank God.
PHOEBE: Oh God, here we go. For the first time CHANDLER: Don't play with his things. PHOEBE: Yeah, but he did have to have a bunch of
in my life I'm gonna say 'Hi birthfather'. stitches and he said that only once in a blue moon does
ROSS: I know. a dog's ear grow back so...still hoping.
RACHEL: We love you, we're here for you.
BIG BULLY: Alright, let's take this outside. RACHEL: Ok, so Phoebe, now are you gonna call your
JOEY: Yeah good luck, good luck. dad and let him know that his dog is ok?
ROSS: Let's, let's take this outside? Who talks like that?
PHOEBE: Thanks. [gets out of the cab] PHOEBE: I, I don't wanna meet my father over the
BIG BULLY: The guy that's about to kick your ass talks like phone. What am I gonna say, like 'Hi, I'm Phoebe, the
JOEY: Hey Rach, you uh, you want some that. daughter you abandoned. Oh, by the way, I broke your
sandwich? dog.'
CHANDLER: You had to ask.
RACHEL: Ohh, what is in that? JOEY: Hey Phoebs, if you want, I'll do it.
ROSS: Yeah.
JOEY: Olive loaf and ham spread, no mayo. PHOEBE: Ok. Listen, just don't say anything about me,
[the bullies grab the back of the couch that Ross and ok. [goes over and grabs the phone that's sitting by
RACHEL: No no, 'cause mayo, that would make it Chandler are sitting in and tip back] Monica]
gross.
ROSS: Ok, ok look, see, the thing is we're, we're not MONICA: DON'T...be too long with the phone.
PHOEBE: [a little dog starts attacking her leg] gonna fight you guys.
Hey, hey, no, oh oh. RACHEL: She'll be a much better friend when the
LITTLE BULLY: Well then here's the deal, you won't have to market closes.
RACHEL: Run Phoebe run. so long as never ever show your faces in this coffee house
ever again. JOEY: [dials the phone] It's a woman.
PHOEBE: No no no, doggie please. Oh, I do so
wanna love all animals, please no. CHANDLER: I think you played the Gunther card too soon. PHOEBE: So talk to her.
JOEY: Get him a bone, get a bone. You gotta bone? [Scene: Back in the cab in front of Phoebe's dad's JOEY: [in a fake voice] Uhh, hello Miss Buffay. I know
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where your dog is. I want you to know that he'll be has a plastic cone around it's neck.] ROSS: Well we did it, we're here. We are standing our
returned to you, almost as good as new, within, ground. How long does a cup of coffee take?
within 24 hours. Uh, goodbye. [hangs up] PHOEBE: Hi.
CHANDLER: Would you come on! Come on! [waitress
RACHEL: Why the voice. MRS BUFFAY: Schnoodle. Oh my God, what the hell brings their coffee] Thank you.
happened to my dog?
JOEY: [in the voice] Hard to say. [They rush to put the cream and sugar in their cups
PHOEBE: It was an accident, and, and the woman who did and gulp down a few drinks]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. this would never ever hurt a dog on purpose. She's a
Ross is sitting at the bar, Chandler serves up vegetarian. CHANDLER: Ah, there we go.
two mugs of hot water.]
MRS BUFFAY: What are these, stitches? ROSS: I think we proved our point.
CHANDLER: Your cappucino sir.
PHOEBE: Yeah, eight of them. That's 56 to him. You know CHANDLER: You burn your mouth?
ROSS: Thank you. also, if, if it's raining, you can't let him look up too long
'cause that cone'll fill up really really fast. ROSS: Cannot feel my tounge.
[they both pour in packets of cappucino mix]
MRS BUFFAY: Yeah well, thanks for bringing back what's [They leave. As they're walking out, the bullies are
CHANDLER: Ya know I think this is much better left of him. walking in.]
than the coffee house.
PHOEBE: Sure, oh, is, is Frank home. CHANDLER: Bullies, big bullies.
ROSS: Absolutely.
MRS BUFFAY: How do you know Frank? LITTLE BULLY: Oh, look who's here, it's the weenies.
[they both stir thier coffee and proceed to stare
into the mugs] PHOEBE: Just from a, from a long time ago. Is he here? BIG BULLY: Did we not make ourselves clear the other
day.
ROSS: How come it's not mixing with the water? MRS BUFFAY: Yeah. Frank.
ROSS: Yes, and that's why we're here.
CHANDLER:Well the package says you have to FRANK: Yeah. What? [a young guy comes around the
uh, constantly keep it moving. Stir and drink, stir corner] CHANDLER: Yes, we're standing out
and drink, never let it settle. ground...apparently.
PHOEBE: Oh, ok, um, I mean Frank senior.
[they both try to drink while continuously stirring] LITTLE BULLY: Let's do this alright.
MRS BUFFAY: He went out for groceries.
JOEY: [walks out of his room] Hey, this is ROSS: Woah, ho-ho, whad'ya got there, a weapon?
ridiculous. I'll tell you what. After I get back from PHOEBE: Ok so will he be back soon?
my neice's christening, I'll go down to the coffee LITTLE BULLY: It's a nice watch, I don't wanna break it
house with you and we'll all have a nice cup of MRS BUFFAY: Well he left four years ago so we're on your ribs.
coffee alright. No problem, Joey's there. expecting him back any minute now.
CHANDLER: Alright, let's do this.
CHANDLER: Ok. PHOEBE: Alright, I'm, I'm gonna go. I'm sorry about the
dog, everything. I'm sorry. LITTLE BULLY: Alright.
ROSS: No.
[she turns to leave, Frank follows] [they all put up their fists and prepare to fight]
CHANDLER: No?
FRANK: Hey lady. Hey wait up. How do you know my dad? CHANDLER: Question. If I don't care about my watch,
ROSS: No. Man I don't wanna have to have Joey can I use it as a weapon?
with me every time I wanna descent cup of coffee. PHOEBE: Um well I don't really. Just genetically. He's
Ya know, and I don't wanna spend the rest of my kinda my dad too. ROSS: Whad'ya mean?
life drinking cappucino with a 'K'. I say you and I
go back down there and stand up to those guys. FRANK: Heavy. CHANDLER: Well, it's sharp, it's metal, I think I can
do some, you know, serious damage with it.
CHANDLER: Alright, hang on a second there PHOEBE: Yeah. So um, did he ever talk about me, Phoebe?
Custer. BIG BULLY: No, you can't use your watch.
FRANK: No but he didn't really talk about anything.
JOEY: Yeah really, Ross, have you ever been CHANDLER: Ok. [reaches in his pocket]
beaten up before? PHOEBE: Oh.
BIG BULLY: Or your keys.
ROSS: Yeah, sure. FRANK: Except stilts.
CHANDLER: Ok.
JOEY: By someone besides Monica? PHOEBE: Stilts?
LITTLE BULLY: Look, here's what we'll do. We'll put all
ROSS: No. So what. So what if we get beaten up, FRANK: Yeah, he loved stilts. One time I was upstairs, I keys and watches in the hat over there. Alright. [they
maybe that's just something every man has to go was stealing cigarettes out of my mom's purse, and uh, all all put their keys and watches in the hat and put it on a
through once in his life. Ya know, like a, like a right of a sudden I look over and there's my dad's head bobbing mail box] Alright, c'mon man, let's do this.
of passage or somethin'. past the window. He just had this big smile on his face and
he was waving 'cause he was always happiest when he was [they all jump in the street and prepare to fight]
CHANDLER: Well, couldn't we just lose our on his stilts.
virginities again? Ya know, because I think actually ROSS: Before I forget, are we hitting faces?
mine's growing back. PHOEBE: Wow.
BIG BULLY: Of course we're hitting faces, why wouldn't
[Scene: Outside Monica and Rachel's FRANK: Yeah. you hit faces?
apartment. Rachel is returning.]
PHOEBE: I don't know what to do with that. ROSS: Well because I have to work on Monday, I have
MONICA: [Opens the door] I need to borrow a a big presentation.
hundred bucks. FRANK: Me neither. So you're like my big sister.
LITTLE BULLY: Actually, you know, uh, I gotta show
RACHEL: What? PHOEBE: Yeah. this apartment tomorrow and uh, you know, this no
faces thing might not be a bad idea.
MONICA: Hi, welcome home. [pulls Rachel inside] FRANK: This is huge, you can buy me beer.
I need to borrow a hundred bucks. BIG BULLY: Ok, nothing from the neck up. [everyone
PHOEBE: I'm not gonna. But you know what's cool though? gets ready for the fight] Or the waist down. Dana's
RACHEL: For what? Ok, if you had a friend named Pete, then I could say, 'Oh ovulating.
yeah, I know Pete, he's friends with my brother.'
MONICA: I've gotta get back in the game. LITTLE BULLY: Oh really, you guys tryin' again?
FRANK: I gotta friend named Mark.
RACHEL: Why, when did you get out of the game? BIG BULLY: Yeah.
PHOEBE: That'll work too.
MONICA: I don't know, I lost it all ok. I lost it. CHANDLER: Ok, so let me just get this straight. So
FRANK: Cool, alright. So maybe, ya know, I could give you we're uh, strictly talking about the middle?
RACHEL: Oh no. a call sometime, we could talk or somethin'.
BIG BULLY: C'MON!
MONICA: Hey, I've come to terms with it, you PHOEBE: Yeah, that'd be ok.
have to too. ROSS: Hey, hey, woah, you want some of this, huh?
FRANK: Alright. You want a piece of this, huh? I'm standin here, huh.
RACHEL: Ok. Look uhh, Mon I'm, I'm really sorry.
PHOEBE: Ok, I'm in the book. CHANDLER: Hey, hey, those guys are takin our stuff!
MONICA: Yeah, yeah, yeah, where are we on the [some guy runs off with the hat]
hundred bucks? FRANK: Ok, yeah.
ROSS: Hey.
RACHEL: I, I don't have it. PHOEBE: Alright. So um, stilts huh?
BIG BULLY: Hey.
MONICA: But I need it. Otherwords I'm gonna FRANK: Yeah hey, you know if you want I can take you
have to take that horrible diner job. You know, around back and show you where he hit his head on the [they all run off after the guy]
with the dancing and the costumes. I don't wanna rain gutter.
have to wear flame retardant boobs. [Scene: Central Perk. The four guys are
PHOEBE: Ok. returning after getting the hat back.]
RACHEL: Nobody does honey.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross are sitting ROSS: God, that was, that was amazing, that was
[Scene: Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe is on the couch nervously.] incredible. You guys, you guys kicked butt.
returning the dog who is bandaged up and
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LITTLE BULLY: Us, what about you guys? Man you JOEY: Woah, woah, woah, uh, no Shannon Cooper. MONICA: Sandra, I am so sorry, I thought you were
really, bing, gave it to old Mr. Clean back there. He Rachel and we just weren't ready for you yet.
was a big guy. PHOEBE: Why not her?
MRS. GREENE: You thought I was Rachel?
ROSS: Yeah he was wasn't he. JOEY: Cause she uh, she steals stuff.
CHANDLER: Yes because uh, you look so young.
CHANDLER: Yeah, I wouldn't know having CHANDLER: Or maybe she doesn't steal stuff and Joey
missed everything. just slept with her and never called her back. PHOEBE: And because you're both, you know, white
women.
BIG BULLY: Don't do that to yourself. Any one of MONICA: Joey that is horriable.
us could have tripped over that little girls MRS. GREENE: Oh, I missed you kids. Well, should I
jump-rope. JOEY: Hey I liked her, alright. Maybe, maybe too much. I put my coat in the bedroom?
don't know I guess I just got scared.
ROSS: So, listen guys, are we uh, are we ok here? CHANDLER: NO! No, I'll take that for ya.
PHOEBE: I'm sorry, I didn't know.
LITTLE BULLY: We're ok. MRS. GREENE: Oh well thank you. Such a gentleman.
JOEY: I didn't think anyone'd buy that, ok. Thank you. [Chandler takes the hot pink coat and
ROSS: Alright. grimaces at it] Ahh, it all looks so nice, so festive, all
[Rachel enters] the balloons... [Chandler, remembering that Joey and
CHANDLER: Ok so, can I have my hat back? Mr. Greene are in the bedroom, throws her coat in a
ROSS: Hi honey, how did it go? cupboard] The funniest thing happened to me on the
LITTLE BULLY: No. way here. I was...[Joey peeks out]
RACHEL: Agh, it was the graduation from hell.
CHANDLER: Huh. [reaches over and grabs the PHOEBE: [cutting Mrs. Greene off] Ha-ha, that's great,
hat and bolts for the door but slips and falls behind CHANDLER: Ya know, my cousin went to hell on a football ha-ha. I can't wait to hear the rest of it, ya know, but I
the couch] scholarship. really have to go to the bathroom so... Hey, come with
me. Yeah, yeah, it'll be like we're gal pals, ya know, like
CLOSING CREDITS RACHEL: Ya know, I mean this is supposed to be a joyous at a restraunt. Oh, it'll be fun, c'mon. [they go in the
occasion. My sister's graduating from college, nobody bathroom]
[Scene: The 50's theme cafe. Monica is thought she would. It's a true testament to what a girl from
working the grill, the rest are at a table.] long island would do for a Celica. MONICA: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
RACHEL: Look at her. MONICA: So what happened? CHANDLER: Ok, think, what would Jack and Chrissy
do?
CHANDLER: Hi Monica. RACHEL: My parents happened. All they had to do was sit
in the same stadium, smile proudly, and not talk about the JOEY: [peeks back out] Ok, now that your coat is
JOEY: He-he-he, how's it goin'? divorce. But nooo, they got into a huge fight in the middle safely in the bedr-, [sees that the coast is clear] oh, ok
of the commencement address. Bishop Tutu actually had to we can come back out in the living room.
PHOEBE: Hey nice boobs. stop and shush them. But you know what, you know what
the good news is? I get to serve coffee for the next 8 hours. MONICA: So uh, Joey and Chanlder, I, I think it's time
CHANDLER: Guys guys, check this out. that you take Dr. Greene over to your place.
PHOEBE: Ok, so I guess we don't invite her parents.
[Chandler puts a coin in the mini jukebox at the CHANDLER: Uhh, yes, absdolutely, um. Why again?
table. YMCA starts playing and Monica and the rest MONICA: Well, how bout just her mom?
of the staff have to get on the counter and start MONICA: Because that's where the party is you goon.
singing along and dancing. After a couple of CHANDLER: Why her mom? See this is just the staging area.
couruses, Chandler pulls out a handful of coins and
drops them on the table.] MONICA: Cause I already invited her. JOEY: Right this is staging.
JOEY: Excellent. PHOEBE: Ooh, ooh, did you ask Stacy Roth? CHANDLER: Yeah, this more than anything else, is
END the staging area.
JOEY: Oh no, can't invite her. She also steals.
JOEY: [as they're walking out, Dr. Greene
222 The One With the Two Parties [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler, Joey, questioningly gestures at the Happy Birthday sign over
Monica, and Phoebe are setting up for the party.] the door] This is clearly in the wrong apartment. [they
[Scene: Moondance Diner. Ross, Phoebe, Joey, all walk across the hall]
and Chandler are sitting at the counter, Monica is PHOEBE: Ok, here are the birthday candles. Where's the
working. Monica is wearing her costume, including birthday cake? [Scene: Later on in the hallway between the
big fake breasts.] apartments. Chandler is showing people to the parties.]
MONICA: Ok, we're not having birthday cake, we're
MONICA: So, I'll get candles and my mom's lace having birthday flan. CHANDLER: Alright you guys are off to party number
tablecloth, and since it's Rachel's birthday, I mean, one [ushers 3 guys into Monica's apartment] and you,
we want it to be special, I thought I'd poach a CHANDLER: Excuse me? you are off to party number two [ushers four women
salmon. into his apartment. Two guys try to follow and
MONICA: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert. Chandler blocks them and shoos them off to Monica's
ALL: Ohhh. apartment] Alright fellas, let's keep it movin', let' keep
JOEY: Oh that's nice. Happy birthday Rachel, here's some it movin.
MONICA: What? goo.
MONICA: Chandler could you at least send some
ROSS: Question. Why do we always have to have [knock at the door] women to my party? [buzzer goes off] Alright that's
parties where you poach things? Ross.
MONICA: [answers the door] Dr. Greene. Oh my God it's
MONICA: You wanna be in charge of the food Rachel's dad. What're you doing here? CHANDLER: Ok, they're coming, shhh. [Runs into
committee? Monica's apartment and grabs one last girl to take to
MR. GREENE: What? The father can't drop by to see the his apartment]
ROSS: Question two. Why do we always have to daughter on her birthday?
have parties with committees? RACHEL: Ohh, thank you for the wonderful dinner.
MONICA: No no, the father can, but um, since I am the
JOEY: Really. Why can't we just get some pizzas roommate I can tell you that she's not here and I'll pass ROSS: Thanks for being born.
and get some beers and have fun? along the message, ok. So bye-bye.
RACHEL: Ohh, thank you for my beautiul earrings,
ROSS: Yeah. MR. GREENE: Ohhh, you're having a parteee. they're perfect. I love you.
PHOEBE: Yeah, I agree. Ya know, I think fancy MONICA: No, no, not a party. Just a surprise gathering of ROSS: Oh, now you can exchange them if you want,
parties are only fun if you're fancy on the inside some people Rachel knows. Um, this is Phoebe and ok.
and I'm just not sure we are. Chandler and Joey.
RACHEL: Now I love you even more.
MONICA: Alright. If you guys don't want it to be MR. GREENE: I'll never remember all of that. So uh, what's
special, fine. You can throw any kind of party you the deal? Rachel comes home, people pop out and yell stuff, [they kiss and Ross backs her into her apartment and
want. is that it? turns on the lights]
[Joey is staring at Monica's breasts] CHANDLER: This isn't your first surprise party, is it sir? ALL: Surprise.
MONICA: Joey they're not real. I start miles [knock at the door, Monica answers to see Mrs. Greene] RACHEL: Oh my gosh, wow. Monica. Oh my god.
beneath the surface of these things, ok, they're Mom. This is so great.
fake. See [squeezes her breast] honk honk. MRS. GREENE: Hi Monica.
MRS. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetie.
CHANDLER: Wow, it's, it's like porno for clowns. [Monica slams the door back shut]
RACHEL: Wow you, you. I had no idea.
OPENING TITLES MONICA: Chinese menu guy. Forgot the menus.
ROSS: Really?
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, Joey, CHANDLER: So, basically just a Chinese guy.
Phoebe, and Monica are planning Rache's birthday RACHEL: No, I knew.
party.] JOEY: Uh, hey, Dr. Greene, why don't you come with me,
we'll put your jacket on Rachel's bed. ROSS: All right.
ROSS: I talked to Rachel's sisters, neither of them
can come. MR. GREENE: Alright, that sounds like a two person job. MONICA: Ok, everybody, there's food and drinks on
[they walk into Rachel's bedroom] the table. Go across the hall.
MONICA: Ok, um so, I still have to invite Dillon
and Emma and Shannon Cooper. MRS. GREENE: Well, my goodness, what was that? ROSS: What?
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RACHEL: What? MONICA: No. No you can't go. No this is fun. Come on MR. GREENE: Thank you. Is that one of my cigarettes?
we're just getting started. Here, here's your marker.
MONICA: Right now, Joey and Chandler's, go ROSS: [pulls the cigarette off his upper lip and hands
now. PHOEBE: Listen if you wanna go, just go. it to Mr. Greene] Yeah, yes it is, I was just moistening
the tip.
RACHEL: Why. GUNTER: No, she'll yell at me again.
[Back in Monica's party. Phoebe is talking to a guy and
MONICA: Just go. PHOEBE: Alright, I can get you out. two girls at the party.]
[they walk across the hall] GUNTHER: What? PHOEBE: Ok, ok, she's taking the trash out so I can
get you out of here but it has to be now, she'll be back
ALL: Surprise. PHOEBE: Shh. In a minute, I'm gonna create a diversion. any minute.
When I do, walk quickly to the door and don't look back.
MR. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetpea. GIRL 1: What about my friend Victor?
[Back at Chandler and Joey's party]
RACHEL: Daddy. PHOEBE: No, only the three of you, any more than
MR. GREENE: I think I need a drink. that and she'll get suspicious.
[Ad break. Time lapse. Still at party at Chandler
and Joey's. Rachel is talking to Chandler and Ross.] ROSS: Oh, here, I, I'll get it for ya. Whad'ya want? GIRL 1: Alright, let me just get my coat.
RACHEL: Both of them are here, both of them, MR. GREENE: Scotch. PHOEBE: There isn't time. You must leave everything.
both of them are here? They'll take care of you next door.
ROSS: Scotch. Alright, I'll be back in 10 seconds with your
CHANDLER: Well, we could count again. scotch on the rocks in a glass. GIRL 1: Is it true they have beer?
RACHEL: I can't believe this is happening. MR. GREENE: Neat. PHOEBE: Everything you've heard is true.
ROSS: You know what, this is ridiculous, ok. This ROSS: Cool. [Back at Chandler and Joey's party. Everyone is
is your birthday, this is your party. I say we just dancing and having fun.]
put 'em all together and if they can't deal with it, MR. GREENE: No no no, no no no, neat, as in no rocks.
who cares. MONICA: Could you guys please try to keep it down,
ROSS: I know. we're trying to start a Boggle tournament.
RACHEL: I do.
[Back at Monica's party] [Chandler and Joey stop dancing and laugh at her]
ROSS: That's who.
MR. GREENE: Oh hello Ross, where have you been? MONICA: You, and you, you're supposed to be at my
CHANDLER: Look, are you gonna be ok? party. And Gunther! What are you doing here?
ROSS: Hi. Uh, I have been in the bathroom. Stay clear of
RACHEL: Well, I have to be, I don't really have a the salmon mousse. GUNTHER: Um [gestures to dance floor]
choice, I mean, you know, I could look at the
bright side, I get two birthday parties and two MRS. GREENE: Oh, scotch neat. Ya know, that's Rachel's PHOEBE: [enters with the three people she got out]
birthday cakes. father's drink. Ok, welcome to the fu-oh.
CHANDLER: Well, actually just one birthday flan. ROSS: Oh, mine too. Isn't that neat, scotch neat. Would MONICA: Phoebe.
you excuse me? [walks out in the hallway, Mr. Greene is
RACHEL: What? walking out of Chandler and Joey's apartment] Hey, hey, PHOEBE: Alright, I'm sorry but these people needed
where you uh, sneakin off to mister? me. They work hard all week, it's Saturday night, they
CHANDLER: It's a traditional Mexican custard deserve to have a little fun. Go.
dessert...Look talk to Monica, she's on the food MR. GREENE: I'm getting my cigarettes out of my jacket.
committee. MONICA: Ya know, my party is fun. I mean, maybe
ROSS: No. no. it's a little quieter, less obvious sorta fun but, you know,
[Time lapse. Chandler runs out of the bathroom.] if people would just give it a chance... [volleyball hits
MR. GREENE: Whad'ya mean no? her in the head from behind]
CHANDLER: Joey, Joey. Hey, some girl just
walked up to me and said, 'I want you Dennis,' and ROSS: No, um, see 'cause that, that is, that is the staging [Back at Monica's party]
stuck her tounge down my throat. I love this party. area. If you go in there, it'll ruin the whole illusion of the
party. Yeah, I think you take your scotch back in there and RACHEL: You want me to see a therapist?
JOEY: Quick volleyball question. I will get your cigarettes for you sir.
MRS. GREENE: Sweetheart, you obviously have a
CHANDLER: Volleyball. MR. GREENE: Get my glasses too. problem. You've chosen a boyfriend exactly like your
father.
JOEY: Yeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, ROSS: All righty roo. [closes the door] What a great
you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you? moment to say that for the first time. [goes to get the RACHEL: Ok mom, you know what, fine, I'll make an
cigarettes and glasses] appointment ok, but you know what, right now, I gotta
CHANDLER: Joey, a woman just stuck her tounge go, I gotta go do a thing.
down my throat, I'm not even listening to you. MONICA: Ok, the first person's most embarassing
memory is, 'Monica, your party sucks.' Very funny. [Chandler and Joey's party]
GIRL'S VOICE: Dennis.
PHOEBE: Oh no, ooh, ooh, did somebody forget to use a MR. GREENE: Did you know your mother spent $1200
CHANDLER: Ok, that's me. [runs back] coaster? dollars on bansai trees. I felt like Gulliver around that
place.
RACHEL: Listen honey, can you keep dad MONICA: What? [she runs over to where Phoebe is,
occupied, I'm gonna go talk to mom for a while. Phoebe signals for Gunther to go] I don't see anything. RACHEL: Daddy, daddy, you know what, I really
wanna hear more about this, I really do, but I just have,
ROSS: Ok, do you have any ideas for any openers? PHOEBE: Great, I'm seeing water rings again. I just have to do a, some stuff.
RACHEL: Uhh, let's just stay clear of 'I'm the guy MRS. GELLER: Ross, whose glasses are those? [Monica's party]
that's doing you daughter' and you should be ok.
ROSS: Mine. MRS. GREENE: You work and you work and you work
[Back in Monica's party] at a marriage but all he cares about is his stupid boat.
MRS. GREENE: You wear bi-focals?
MONICA: Ok people, I want you to take a piece of [Chandler and Joey's party]
paper, here you go, and write down your most ROSS: Um-hmm. [puts them on] I have a condition,
embarassing memory. Oh, and I do ask that when apparently, that I require two different sets of focals. MR. GREENE: You work and you work and you work on
you're not using the markers, you put the caps a boat...
back on them because they will dry out. MRS. GREENE: Did you know my husband has glasses just
like that? MRS. GREENE: He always ridiculed my pottery classs...
[Back in Chandler and Joey's party]
RACHEL: Well those are very popular frames. MR. GREENE: ...and you sand it and you varnish it...
ROSS: Hi Dr. Greene. So, uh, how's everything in
the uh, vascular surgery....game? ROSS: Neil Sedaka wears them. MRS. GREENE: ...but when all is said and done, he still
drinks out of the mugs.
MR. GREENE: It's not a game Ross, a woman died GUY: [to Phoebe] I hear you can get people out of here.
on my table today. MR. GREENE: ...and her yoga and her Bridges of
MRS. GREENE: Rachel, you didn't tell me your boyfriend Madison County...
ROSS: I'm sorry. See that's the good thing about smoked.
my job. All the dinosaurs on my table are already MRS. GREENE: ...the scotch and the cigarettes...
dead. RACHEL: Yeah, like a chimney.
MR. GREENE: ...and the bansai's and the chiuaua...
[Back in Monica's party] ROSS: Ohh, big smoker. [Packs the cigarettes and flings
one on Mrs. Greene in the process. Finally gets one in his MRS. GREENE: ...I may have only been in therapy for
MONICA: Listen you guys, I don't mean to be a mouth and it look really out of place] Big big smoker. In three weeks now dear but...
pain about this but, um, I've noticed that some of fact I'm gonna go ou into the hallway and fire up this bad
you are just placing them on. You wanna push the boy. [as he walks into the hall, he comes face to face with MR. GREENE: ...what the hell does she want with half a
caps until you hear them click. [she demonstrates, Mr. Greene] boat...
Gunther starts to walk to the door] Gunther,
where're you going? MR. GREENE: Are you wearing my glasses? [Scene: The hallway after the party. Rachel is sitting
there.]
GUNTHER: I um, was sorta thinking about ROSS: Yes. [pulls them off and hands them to Mr. Greene]
maybe... I was just warming up the earpieces for you. CHANDLER: [running out of his apartment after a girl]
Ok, ok, you can be shirts and I'll be skins. I'll be skins.
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[sits down beside Rachel] Hey, how you holdin' up
there, tiger? Oh, sorry, when my parents were CLOSING CREDITS OPENING TITLES
getting divorced I got a lot of tigers. Got a lot of
champs, chiefs, sports, I even got a governor. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Close up of the [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica
flan on the table with birthday candles.] and Richard are in her bedroom.]
RACHEL: This is it, isn't it? I mean, this is what
my life is gonna be like. My mom there, my dad MONICA: Ok everybody, it's time for flan. MONICA: Honey, you made the bed again. I told you,
there. Thanksgiving, Christmas. She gets the you don't have to do that. This isn't camp.
house, he's in some condo my sister's gonna CHANDLER: Yup, get ready for the gelatenous fun.
decorate with wicker. Oh, Chandler how did you RICHARD: Ooh, then I guess the panty raid last night
get through this? JOEY: Kinda looks like that stuff you get when you get a was totally uncalled for. Ok, I am going to take a
bad infection. shower and today I will be singing Jim Crochee's Leroy
CHANDLER: Well, I relied on a carefully Brown.
regimented program of denial and, and wetting MONICA: Ok, that's enough.
the bed. [He walks out of the bedroom and Monica starts to
PHOEBE: Ok Rachel, make a special flan wish. remake the bed.]
RACHEL: Ya know, I just, so weird. I mean I was
in there just listening to them bitch about each RACHEL: Ok, I've got one. [blows out the candles. RICHARD: Monica... [He re-enters the bedroom and
other and all I kept thinking about was the fourth Somebody calls out 'heads up' and the volleyball lands in Monica jumps on the bed, trying to cover it.] Hey Mon,
of July. the flan] Wow, those things almost never come true. I have a question. Is Leroy the baddest man in the
END whole damn town or the fattest man in the whole
CHANDLER: Becasue it reminded you of the way damn town?
our forefathers used to bitch at each other?
213 The One With the Chicken Pox MONICA: Baddest. Otherwise the song would be Fat
RACHEL: It's just this thing. Every year we would Fat Leroy Brown.
go out on my dad's boat and watch the fireworks. [Scene: Central Perk. Rachel, Monica, Joey, and
Mom always hated it because the ocean air made Chandler are there.] RICHARD: What're you doing?
her hair all big. My sister Jill would be throwing up
over the side and my dad would be upset becasue [Rachel brings a muffin to Chandler and Monica who are MONICA: Just waiting for you sweetie.
nobody was helping and then when we did help he sitting on the couch.]
would scream at us for doing it wrong. But then RICHARD: Are you remaking the bed?
when the fireworks started, everybody just shut up, RACHEL: Ok, Chandler, Mon, there's only one bananna
you know, and it'd get really cold, and we would all nut muffin left. MONICA: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know what, the
just sort of smush under this one blanket. It never way you did it was just fine.
occured to anybody to bring another one. And now [Rachel holds the tray between them. Chandler grabs the
it's just... muffin before Monica can.] RICHARD: Then, you're redoing it because...
CHANDLER: I, I know. [Hugs her. Ross walks out MONICA: Oh, I ordered mine first. MONICA: If I tell you, you'll think I'm crazy.
and Chandler puts her in his arms.]
CHANDLER: Yeah, but I'm, I'm so much faster... RICHARD: You're pretty much running that risk either
[Scene: Monica's party. She is seeing off the last way.
of the guests.] MONICA: Give it to me.
MONICA: Ok, you see, the tag shouldn't be at the top
MONICA: Ok, thanks for coming, I hope you guys CHANDLER: No. left corner, it should be at the bottom right corner.
had fun.
MONICA: Give it to me. RICHARD: Oh, well that's not so crazy.
MRS. GREENE: Alright, Monica dear, I'm gonna hit
the road. Now I've left my 10 verbs on the table. CHANDLER: Ok, you can have it. [He licks it and offers it MONICA: I'm just easing you in.
And you be sure and send me that finished poem. to her.]
RICHARD: Oh, alright.
MONICA: Ok will do. So glad you came. MONICA: [She grabs the coffee cup on the table and licks
the rim.] There you go, enjoy your coffee. MONICA: Alright, you see these little flower blossoms?
MRS. GREENE: I think I saw Rachel out in the hall. They should be facing up, not down, because, well, the
CHANDLER: That was there when I got here. [Takes a head of the bed is where the sun would be. You don't
MONICA: Ok, let me go check. Your mom want's bite of his muffin.] love me any more do you.
to say goodbye.
PHOEBE: [enters] Hey you guys, you will never guess RICHARD: Actually, if it's possible, I love you more.
RACHEL: Oh ok. who's coming to New York.
MONICA: Really? Wow, well then come on, I wanna
MRS. GREENE: Happy birthday sweetie. MONICA: [Chandler tries to come back with a smart-ass show you how to fold the toilet paper into a point.
remark but can't swallow the muffin.] Quick, Phoebe, tell
RACHEL: Ok. us before he can swallow. [Scene: Chandler's office. Joey is there.]
[Mr. Greene opens the door to Chandler and Joeys PHOEBE: Oh ok, Ryan, that guy I went out with, who's in CHANDLER: Hey, look Joey, I'm just saying if you
apartment. Ross sees him and runs to the door the Navy. need something to hold you over, I can get you a job
forcing him back in then holds onto the door knob.] right here as an entry level processor.
[Chandler is visibly upset]
JOEY: Ahh, you drive safe. JOEY: But don't you need experience for a job like that?
RACHEL: You went out with a guy in the Navy?
MRS. GREENE: Ross, what're you doing. CHANDLER: It's not that hard to learn. And as for
PHOEBE: Yeah, I met him when I was playing guitar in people realizing you have no idea what you're doing,
ROSS: I'm getting ready for the water skiing. [Mr. Washington Square Park. Ryan threw in salt water taffy hey, you're an actor. Act like a processor, people will
Greene opens the door which pulls Ross in] How 'cause he didn't have any change. think you're a processor.
are you doing?
JOEY: Hey, is that when you wrote salt water taffy man? SCOTT: [enters] Hey Chandler, here's this morning's
CHANDLER: Well, uh, Dr. Greene, where are you projections.
going? PHOEBE: No. No, he is my submaring guy. He resurfaces
like every couple years and we have the most amazing CHANDLER: Hey thanks. Scott Alexander, Joey
MR. GREENE: To get my coat. three days together. Only this time he's coming for two Tribbianni. Joey is a uh, fellow processor.
weeks. Two whole weeks, which means yay.
GUYS: No no no. SCOTT: No kidding.
RACHEL: So wait, this guy goes down for like two years at
MR. GREENE:Alright, alright, I can get my own a time? JOEY: Oh yeah yeah. I process. People want the
coat. processing, I'm the one they call.
[Once again, Chandler has a bite in his mouth and can't
[the guys form a wall between Mrs Geller and Mr come back.] SCOTT: Where do you work?
Geller and dance across the hall as he walks across]
MONICA: That'll teach you to lick my muffin. JOEY: Uhh, well, right now I'm in between things. You
CHANDLER: Sorry, we're on a major flan high. know how it is. One day you're processing, the next
ROSS: [enters] Hiii. day you're not so much... processing any more.
PHOEBE: Oh no, you're not supposed to be here.
This is the staging area, you should, it's all wrong, JOEY: Oh no, what happened? CHANDLER: I was just telling Joey about the opening
you should leave, ya know, get out. [opens the in Fleischman's group.
door, the guys are right there] Or perhaps you'd ROSS: Well, I just spoke to Carol. Ben's got the chicken
like a creme d'menthe. pox. SCOTT: Fleischman's group. Whatever you do, don't
touch his sandwiches. Ha-ha-ha...
MR. GREENE: I have to be heading to my chateau, ALL: Oh no.
thank you. JOEY: Ha-ha. [Scott leaves] Are all you processors
ROSS: Yeah, so if you haven't already had it, chances are dorks?
PHOEBE: Oh all right, then I guess we're going you're gonna get it.
back into the hallway. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica
RACHEL: Well I've had it. and Rachel are doing Phoebe's makeup.]
JOEY: Thanks for coming Mrs. Greene. [grabs her
and kisses her to distract her. She goes limp in his JOEY: Yeah, I've had it. RACHEL: Oh, this lipstick looks just great on you.
arms. Mr. Greene leaves.] Well, ok, you take care.
MONICA: Had it. MONICA: You look fabulous honey, you really do.
MRS. GREENE: Oh, you kids [she caresses his face
and chest] Well, this is the best party I've been to CHANDLER: Had it. PHOEBE: Yeah? Are you sure, really. [She picks up a
in years. mirror and sees the white splotches all over her face.]
PHOEBE: Well, I've never had it, I feel so left out. [Sees a
MONICA: Thank you. red bump on her arm.] Oh look! RACHEL: You see, you look beautiful. For god sakes,
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dim the lights. JOEY: Hey, hey, I just figure Joseph's the kinda guy
JOEY: Yeah. Joseph and his wife, Karen, are thinking of that likes to mix it up. Ya know, get in there, ruffle
PHOEBE: I, I, I'm hideous. having a third kid... Ya know what? Just did. some feathers.
MONICA: It's gonna be ok. Ryan's been under CHANDLER: Really? Wow. That's some pretty powerful CHANDLER: Why?
water. He's just gonna be so glad that you don't imaginary sperm you must have there.
have barnicles on your butt. JOEY: Look, I'm sorry but that's what Joseph does, ok.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe If you try to pull somethin', he'll call you on it. 'What're
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. and Ryan are playing Monopoly.] you tryin' to pull,' he'll say.
Ryan is walks up to the door and knocks.]
RYAN: You know what makes the itching even worse? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica
PHOEBE: Come in. enters her bedroom with a roll of duct tape.
PHOEBE: That you don't stop talking about it. Richard is sitting on the bed.]
RYAN: Hey baby, I'm back... [Phoebe is sitting by
the window in a veil.] RYAN: Fine. RICHARD: Ooh, duct tape. Was I supposed to bring
something too?
PHOEBE: Hey Ryan, what's up? PHOEBE: Let's just play, ok. Good, ok. [She picks up the
dice.] Here we go, double sixes, here we go... [She starts MONICA: This is for the scratchy twins out there. I
RYAN: What's goin' on? to rub the dice all over herself.] Here we go, come to mama, taped oven mits to their hands.
just getting ready to roll the dice...
PHOEBE: Well, no no, you have to stay back. I, I RICHARD: You're strict.
have the pox. RYAN: What're you doing? Are you scratching?
MONICA: It's for their own good.
RYAN: Chicken or small? PHOEBE: No. This is what I do for luck, ok.
RICHARD: You know, I like the way you have
PHOEBE: Chicken. Which is so ironic considering RYAN: You're scratching. Give me the dice. efficiently folded this tab under. See in a tape
I'm a vegetarian. emergency you could shave valuable seconds off your
PHOEBE: No. time.
RYAN: Why aren't you at home in bed?
RYAN: Give me the dice. MONICA: Exactly. Oh, I love that I can be totally
PHOEBE: 'Cause my, my grandmother's never neurotic around you now. Tell me the truth. Don't you
had chicken pox. Please, please tell me you have, PHOEBE: No. Here. [Throws them on the table.] There. like it better now that everything on your desk is
'cause oh my God, I forgot how cute you are. Ooh, double sixes. perpendicular?
RYAN: I'm sorry, I never had 'em. RYAN: We can't scratch. You know we can't, we'll scar. RICHARD: If it's not a right angle, it is a wrong angle.
PHOEBE: Ohh, ohh. PHOEBE: Uhh, I can't stop thinking about it. It's just so MONICA: Very good.
hard. I just wanna grab all these houses and rub 'em all
RYAN: If I had one wish, it would be to build a time over my body. [Grabs a handful of the houses.] RICHARD: Thank you.
machine, go back to when I was 7, when Jimmy
Hauser had the chicken pox. I would grab that kid RYAN: No. MONICA: You know what. Tomorrow I'm gonna do
and rub him all over my face. your clocks.
PHOEBE: Give it.
PHOEBE: Yeah, or you know, you could just wish RICHARD: You're gonna do what to my clocks.
that I didn't have them now. RYAN: No.
MONICA: I'm gonna set them to my time.
RYAN: Can I please see your face? PHOEBE: Yeah, come on. You know you want it, you know
you want it too, come on. Let's just be bad, it'll feel so good. RICHARD: Well, I'm confused. I thought we shared
PHOEBE: Nope. You don't want to see a face [She starts scratching him.] time.
covered with pox.
RYAN: Oh God help me. MONICA: No no. See, in my bedroom I set my clock
RYAN: Your face could be covered with lochs, I six minutes fast. You wanna know why?
wouldn't care. PHOEBE: Now do me, do my back. Oh come on, harder.
RICHARD: Because it's in a slightly different time zone
PHOEBE: And you hate fish. Oh. That's so sweet, [They get back to back and start rubbing against each than the kitchen.
alright. Ok, alright, you can see. This is me... [she other. Ross and Rachel enter.]
unveils herself right as a huge lightning bolt MONICA: No forget it, I'm not gonna tell you now.
crashes outside. Ryan screams in terror.] Oh, I am RACHEL: Oh, stop that, stop that right now.
scary. RICHARD: No come on. Come on tell me.
ROSS: You know, I might have expected this of you
RYAN: Sorry, the lightning. Lightning was an Phoebe, but Ryan, you're a military man. MONICA: No. See you don't understand.
unfortunate incidence. You look lovely, lovely.
[Scene: Chandler's office building. Joey and Jeannie RICHARD: Come on.
PHOEBE: I hate this. 'Cause I tell you, I had the are talking.]
most amazing two weeks planned for us, and MONICA: No. You don't have any of these cute little
almost everything I had in mind, we had to be a lot JOEY: You and Milton have to join us on the boat. Karen'll obsessive things.
closer than this. pack a lunch, you'll bring the kids, we'll make a day of it.
RICHARD: No that's not true. That is not true.
RYAN: Phoebe, I have spent the last eight months JEANNIE: Oh, that sounds lovely. We're gonna have to set
in a steel tube with men, thinking about this that up. Oh, I better get back. Hope the baby feels better. MONICA: Oh yeah.
moment. I am not gonna let a bunch of itchy spots
stand between us. [He walks to her and kisses her.] JOEY: Oh, thanks, thanks. Bye bye Jeannie. RICHARD: Yeah.
PHOEBE: Ok, this is the most romantic disease JEANNIE: Bye bye Joey. MONICA: Alright, well tell me one of yours.
I've ever had.
JOEY: What a phony. RICHARD: Ok. Ahh. One of my things is, I always
[Scene: Chandler's office. Joey enters.] separate my sweat socks from my dress socks.
CHANDLER: Well, I'm sure you'll teach her a lesson when
JOEY: Hey. she steps off the dock onto nothing. Hey Mr. Douglas. MONICA: What if they get mixed up?
CHANDLER: Hey, how's the first day goin'? JOEY: Sir. RICHARD: Boy I would just uh, I would freak out.
JOEY: Pretty good. It's like you said. It's mostly MR. DOUGLAS: Uh, listen Bing, I received your memo. So, MONICA: You would not. I can't believe this. I hate
just putting numbers from one column into we're not gonna receive the systems report until next this, you're too normal. I can't believe my boyfriend
another column. Friday? doesn't have a thing. My boyfriend doesn't have a
thing.
CHANDLER: Well there you go. CHANDLER: Well the people in my group wanna spend
the holiday weekend with their families. RICHARD: See, if anyone overheard that, I didn't come
JOEY: Hey and everbody is so nice. I just had a off well.
good talk with that lady with the red hair, Jeannie. MR. DOUGLAS: I have a family, I'm gonna be here.
[Scene: Chandler's office. Chandler is asleep in
CHANDLER: Jeannie, the head of east coast JOEY: Yeah Bing, what's that about? his chair holding a paper in one hand and a pen
operations Jeannie? in the other. Joey walks in, waking up Chandler
CHANDLER: It's about cutting my people a little slack, ya who covers by pretending to write on the paper.]
JOEY: Yeah, turns out our kids go to the same know, for morale. Look, if you wanna see some rough
school. Small world huh? numbers, I can get them to you by Wednesday. JOEY: Hey. Mr. Douglas is looking for you.
CHANDLER: Weird world. Your kids? MR. DOUGLAS: Rough numbers? CHANDLER: Why? Wh- wh- why is Mr. Douglas
looking for me?
JOEY: I figure my character has kids. JOEY: This company was not built on rough numbers. Am
I right Mr. Douglas. JOEY: 'Cause he has a strong suspicion that you
CHANDLER: Ya know there isn't a part of that dropped the ball on the Lender project.
sentence I don't need explained. MR. DOUGLAS: Have the final numbers on my desk by
Tuesday. CHANDLER: Wha- wh- why, why, why does he
JOEY: Well, see when you're acting you need to suspect that?
think about stuff like that. My character, Joseph CHANDLER: Uh, if you say so sir.
the processor guy, has two little girls, Ashley and JOEY: Becasue at first he thought it was Joseph. But
Brittany. Ashley copies everything Brittany does. JOEY: Joseph's good, isn't he? after he asked Joseph about it, turns out it was you.
Anyway, I just thought you should know.
CHANDLER: Well, invisible kids can be that way CHANDLER: Well, I'm going to kill you.
sometimes. CHANDLER: Alright, that's it. Look Joey, I'm sorry, I
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realize this is the role of a lifetime for ya, and if I END
could just fire Joseph, I would, but unfortunately MONICA: Yeah?
that's not possible so I'm gonna have to let both of
you go. RICHARD: Yeah. I have to sleep, have to, on this side of 224 The One With Barry and Mindy's Wedding
the bed.
JOEY: What're you talking about, everybody loves [Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there as Joey
Joseph. MONICA: No honey. You have to sleep on this side of the enters]
bed because I have to sleep on this side of the bed.
CHANDLER: I don't, I hate Joseph, ok. I think RACHEL: Hey Joey, how'd the audition go?
he's a brown-nosing suck up. RICHARD: Or so I would have you believe.
JOEY: Incredible! I met the director this time and
JOEY: Oh yeah. Well you can't fire Joseph. You MONICA: No. Big deal, so you have a side of the bed, you'll never believe who it was.
know why, 'cause he's not in your department. everybody has a side of the bed.
ALL: Who?
CHANDLER: Alright, ok, alright. So I can't fire RICHARD: Hey come on, you haven't heard my reason yet.
Joseph but uh, I can sleep with his wife. JOEY: All right. I'll give you one hint. Warren Beatty.
MONICA: Alright, go on.
JOEY: Karen. ALL: Wow!
RICHARD: Ok, I have to sleep on the west side because I
CHANDLER: Yeah, Karen. I'm thinking about grew up in California and otherwise the ocean would be on JOEY: Yeah, there's just one thing that might be
having an affair with her. Oh, you know what? I the wrong side. kind've a problem. See, I, uh, had to kiss this guy.
just did.
MONICA: Oh my God, you're a freak. CHANDLER: 'Cause he was just so darn cute.
JOEY: Ahh. What the hell are you doing to me
man. RICHARD: Yeah. How 'bout that. JOEY: No, as part of the audition. See, I'm up for this
part of this guy, who the main guy kisses.
CHANDLER: Oh well it's not me, it's my character, [Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe, Rachel, Ross, and
Chandy. Yeah the rogue processor who seduces Ryan are there. Ryan is in uniform, getting ready to ROSS: Well, hey. You're an actor, I say you just suck it
his co-worker's wives for sport and then laughs leave.] up and do it. (Rachel looks at him in disbelief) Or you
about it the next day at the water cooler. In fact, I just do it.
have her panties right there in my drawer. RACHEL: So uh, Ryan, were you shipping off to?
JOEY: I did do it, I'm a professional.
JOEY: Really? RYAN: I really can't say.
MONICA: Then what's the problem?
CHANDLER: No freakshow, she's fictional. ROSS: So do you have like any nuclear weapons on board?
JOEY: See after the scene, Mr. Beatty comes up to me
JOEY: Take it easy. If it means that much to you, RYAN: I can't say. and says 'good actor, bad kisser'. Can you believe that,
I'll uh, I'll go find something else. me not a good kisser, that's like, like Mother Theresa,
RACHEL: Well do you get to look through one of those like, not a good mother.
CHANDLER: Thank you. those periscope thingys.
PHOEBE: Well, come on, who cares what that guy
JOEY: It's just that, I, I'm gonna miss Joseph. I RYAN: I'm sorry, but I can't say. thinks. What does Warren Beatty know about kissing
liked him. His wife, she was hot. [Chadler pushes (Chandler and Monica, give her a look that says 'think
him out the door by the face.] ROSS: Wow, it, it's neat learning about submarines. about it') Ooh.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. RYAN: I better get out of here, I'm gonna miss my flight. OPENING CREDITS
Rachel and Ross are in the kitchen. Phoebe
is sitting at the couch with oven mits on her PHOEBE: Ok, I'll walk you out. [Scene: continued from earlier]
hands.]
ROSS: Bye Ryan. CHANDLER: Hey, what did your agent say?
PHOEBE: Can I please take these off? I swear I
won't scratch. RYAN: Pleasure. JOEY: Yep, this kiss thing is defiantly a problem, Mr.
Beatty wants to see it again on Monday. Man, I gotta
RACHEL: No sorry hon, Monica's orders. RACHEL: It was nice to meet you. figure out what I'm doing wrong. Oh, okay, one of you
girls come over here and kiss me.
RYAN: [Comes out of the bathroom, also with oven RYAN: Take care.
mits on his hands.] Well that wasn't easy. MONICA: What, forget it!
[Phoebe and Ryan walk outside.]
ROSS: Ok, dinner's on. RACHEL: Yeah, right.
RACHEL: So do you uh, think we can get you one of those
RACHEL: And there's a peach cobbler warming in uh, uniform things? JOEY: Come on, I need your help here.
the oven so the plate's gonna be hot but that
shouldn't be a problem for you. ROSS: You like that do ya? PHOEBE: All right. I'll do it, I kissed him before I can
do it again.
ROSS: Alright you kids, bye now. RACHEL: Oh yeah.
JOEY: You see this, this is a friend.
PHOEBE and RYAN: Bye. [waving] ROSS: I'll make some calls. [Runs off.]
PHOEBE: Uh-huh, let's go. (they move in to kiss) Oh,
ROSS: Oh look, a low budget puppet show. RACHEL: Ok. wait I have gum. Okay. (they kiss rather passionately)
Good, very good, firm but tender. I'd recommend you
PHOEBE: It's such a shame you can't see which [Outside with Phoebe and Ryan.] to a friend.
finger I'm holding up.
RYAN: Can you believe how we spent our two weeks JOEY: Then I don't know what it is. What's the
[Ross and Rachel leave.] together? problem?
RYAN: Wine? PHOEBE: I know. We didn't do any of the romantic things MONICA: Joey, you know, maybe your just not used
I had planned, like having a picnic at Central Park and ya to kissing men, maybe you just tensed up a little,
PHOEBE: Please. [Ryan pulls the cork with his know, coffee at Central Perk. Oh I just got that. [They kiss.] maybe that's what you need to work on.
teeth and spits it into Phoebe's mits.]
RYAN: Taxi. JOEY: Yeah, that makes sense. (looks at Ross)
RYAN: Oh, I spilled some.
PHOEBE: Bye you. [Ryan's cab drives off. As Phoebe is ROSS: Over my dead body! (Joey looks at Chandler)
PHOEBE: I got it. [Wipes it up with her mits.] going back in, she sees the Central Perk sign in the window
and laughs.] CHANDLER: And I'll be using his dead body as a
RYAN: [Puts his hands over Phoebe's ears.] I must shield.
tell you, you look beautiful tonight. CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Monica, and
PHOEBE: What? [Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is closing. Ross walks Richard are there]
in in a uniform.]
RYAN: Sorry. You look beautiful. ROSS: (entering from Rachel's bedroom) Come on out,
RACHEL: Oh I'm sorry, we're clo-... Hey sailor. honey! I'm telling you look good! (turns around, and
PHOEBE: Oh. under his breath, to the rest of the guys) Tell her she
ROSS: Is this what you had in mind? looks good, tell her she looks good.
[They start to kiss. They try to get each other's
shirts off but can't get the buttons undone.] RACHEL: I'll say. (Rachel enters in this hideous pink bride's maid dress,
with a huge silver bow on her chest, and a big, huge
PHOEBE: You know what, that's it, that's it. [She [Ross picks her up.] skirt, kinda like the one's women wore in the 1800s,
rips off the mits, Ryan follows her lead.] Monica and Richard both stare in shock)
ROSS: I'm shipping out tomorrow.
[They keep kissing and start scratching each other. PHOEBE: (laughing) Oh my God, you look so good!
Ross enters, takes one look, and goes right back RACHEL: Well then uh, we better make this night count.
out the door.] [He starts to carry her out.] Oh wait, I forgot to turn off the RACHEL: I can not believe I have to walk down the
cappucino machine. [He carries her over to turn it off.] aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Anchors away. Oh no no, my purse, my purse, my purse, drink when your nauseous.
Richard and Monica are in bed.] my purse, my purse, my pu rse. [He carries her to the ROSS: So don't, I don't see why we have to go to this
counter to pick up her purse.] Oh, you know what. I forgot thing anyway, it's your ex-fiancee's wedding.
RICHARD: Monica, wake up. Monica. to turn off the bathroom light.
RACHEL: Because I promised Mindy I would.
MONICA: What's up? ROSS: Alright you know, why don't I just meet you
upstairs. [Drops her on the couch and walks out holding his MONICA: Yeah, well you promised Barry, you'd marry
RICHARD: I thought of a thing. lower back.] him. (Rachel glares at her, and she retreats to safety
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between Richard's legs) RICHARD: Well, uh, sometimes I think about selling my JOEY: Aw, man I'm sorry (starts rubbing Chandler's
practice, we could move to France, make French toast. shoulder). This must be very tough for ya, huh (and
RACHEL: Look you guys, I have to go, I'm the starts comfroting him looking for a kiss).
Maid-of-Honor. And besides you know what I just MONICA: Okay, so, uh, we're in France, we're making the
need to be in a room again with these people and toast. Do you see a little bassinet in the corner? [Scene: Barry and Mindy's wedding, Monica and
feel good about myself. Richard are standing in the lobby]
RICHARD: Like a hound?
(Chandler enters, sees Rachel in the dress and MONICA: So, I read this article in the paper the other
starts laughing) MONICA: Not a basset, a bassinet. day that says you're not supposed to throw rice at
weddings, because when pigeons eat rice it kills them.
PHOEBE: Ooh-oh! Someone's wearing the same RICHARD: You really need the bassinet?
clothes they had on last night. Someone get a little RICHARD: Oh, that's why you never see pigeons at
action? MONICA: Well, I just think the baby would keep falling off sushi bars.(they both start laughing at Richard's poor
the dog. Do you, uh, do you , do you not see kids in our joke) See, we're having fun.
CHANDLER: I may have. future.
MONICA: Oh, absolutely. Yeah, you know I'm not
MONICA: Woo-hoo, stuud! RICHARD: Oh, hey. I love children, I have children. I just even thinking about that thing that we're not supposed
don't want to be 70 when our kids go off to college, and our to think about.
ROSS: What's she look like? lives can finally start.
RICHARD: Neither am I.
CHANDLER: Well, we haven't exactly met, we MONICA: Uh-huh.
just stayed up all night talking on the internet. [Scene: later the bridesmaids and ushers are getting
RICHARD: Look I want you, now. ready to start, Ross is looking for Rachel]
MONICA: Woo-hoo, geeek!
MONICA: That's Great. You know we don't need to talk ROSS: Hey, there.
CHANDLER: I like this girl, okay, I seriously like about this now. Really, I mean this is, is so way, way, way,
this girl, you now how sometimes I tend get a little in the future, I'm talkin' hovercrafts and apes taking over RACHEL: Hi.
defended and quipy... the planet.
ROSS: Are you all right?
ROSS: Get out! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe
are there, Chandler is talking to his new friend on the RACHEL: Yeah, when I was in the bathroom I saw the
RACHEL: Nooo! internet.] window that I crawled out of at my wedding, and God,
I just started thinking that I shouldn't be here, you
MONICA: Please! JOEY: Come on, Chandler, I want this part soo much. know I shouldn't, people are going to be looking at me
(Chandler ignores him) Just one kiss, I won't tell anyone. and judging me and, and thinking about the last time.
CHANDLER: Well she totally called me on it, okay.
She said, 'cut it out, get real', and I did. CHANDLER: Joey, no means no! ROSS: Sweetie, it's be gonna okay, all right. It's a
wedding, generally people focus on the bride.
RACHEL: Wow! What's that like? [Rachel, in her bridesmaid dress, complete with hat, which
makes her look like Little Bo Peep, and Ross enter] RACHEL: God I know, you're right.
CHANDLER: It's like this, me, no jokes.
RACHEL: Hey! (Annoying wedding planner enters)
PHOEBE: All right, stop it, you're freaking me out.
CHANDLER: I'm sorry we, we don't have your sheep. WEDDING PLANNER: All rightie, everybody look at me.
RICHARD: Oh, yeah, I don't like you this way. All Good. All right, its time. Bridesmaids and ushers let's
right, I'll see you guys later. JOEY: Aww, Rach, I think you look cute (kisses her on the see two lines, thank you.
cheek, then looks at Ross) And you, uh, you, you I could
ALL: Bye, Richard. eat with a spoon (goes to kiss him). RACHEL: Okay, I'll see you after the thing.
MONICA: Bye sweetie, (kisses him) I love you. ROSS: Get away from me I said no! ROSS: Okay, good luck (kisses her and leaves)
RICHARD: I love you, too. MONICA: (entering) Richard buzzed. He's waiting RACHEL: Thank you, Okay, Okay.
downstairs.
(Monica stares longingly at the door, after Richard [Starts to walk down the aisle, unfortunately she
leaves) JOEY: Oh, Richard's here. I should run down say bye to doesn't realize that her dress is bunched up in her
him (runs out) underwear and her butt is showing.]
PHOEBE: I think my boyfriend ever so dreamy, I
wonder what our wedding's gonna be like. ALL: Bye. COMMERCIAL BREAK
MONICA: What are you talking about? What PHOEBE: Bye, good luck. [Scene: after the wedding, Ross and Rachel are in the
wedding? lobby]
(Rachel, Ross, and Monica exit)
PHOEBE: Come on, like you never talk that. RACHEL: Why the hell didn't you tell me!
PHOEBE: So how's your date with your cyberchick going.
MONICA: Nooo! Never! I mean, we're living in the Ooh, hey, what is all that (points at the computer screen). ROSS: I'm sorry. What was I supposed to do stand up
moment. God, it is so nice for once to not have to and shout 'Hey, Rachel, your butt is showing!'
get all hung up on 'Where is this going?' CHANDLER: Oh, it's a website, it's the, uh, the
Guggenheim (sp?, I'm not an art guy) museum. See, she RACHEL: Oh my God this is sooo humiliating. I think
RACHEL: Afraid to ask him? likes art, and I like funny words. the only thing that tops that was, was, was when I was
in the eight grade and I had to sing the Copa Cabana in
MONICA: Could not be more terrified. PHOEBE: What does she mean by HH? front of the entire school. I think I got about two lines
into it before I ran and freaked out. Oh my God, my
CHANDLER: Well, I think you should seriously CHANDLER: (shyly) It means we're holding hands. entire life is flashing before my eyes.
consider the marriage thing, give Rachel another
chance to dress up like Princess Bubble Yum. PHOEBE: Are you the cutest? ROSS: Rach, hey look, I remember that, it wasn't so
bad.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Richard and Monica CHANDLER: I'm afraid I might just be.
are playing with Ben.] RACHEL: Oh Ross, would you stop, you got me, I'm
PHOEBE: You know, what I think is so great that you are dating you.
MONICA: (holding up a blanket) Where's Benny? totally into this person and yet for all you know she could
(drops the blanket) There he is! (does it again) be like 90 years old, or have two heads, or. It could be a MR. WINEBURG: Rachel!
Where's Benny, there he is. guy.
RACHEL: Oh hi, Mr. Wineburg, hi Mrs. Wineburg.
RICHARD: Awww! You know that's probably why CHANDLER: Okay, it's not a guy, all right, I know her.
babies learn to talk, so they can tell grown ups to MR. WINEBURG: It's so wonderful to see you again,
cut it out. PHOEBE: It could be like a big giant guy. my dear, in fact I hardly expected to see so much.
MONICA: Hey, you know I got a question for ya. JOEY: (entering) Man, I got this close to him (holds up his MRS. WINEBURG: You told me you didn't see anything.
Just a little thing, no pressure. fingers) and Monica kneed me in the back. What's going on?
MR. WINEBURG: I tell ya a lot things!
RICHARD: Okay. PHOEBE: We were just wondering if Chandler's girlfriend
is a girl. MRS. WINEBURG: Well it's wonderful to have you up
MONICA: Did you ever, uh, like, think about the and about, again, dear.
future? JOEY: Oh, well. Just ask her how long she's gonna live.
Women live longer than men. MR. WINEBURG: Stay well.
RICHARD: Sure I do.
CHANDLER: How do you not fall down more? RACHEL: Okay, now that is the third time someone
MONICA: Yeah, am I in it? has said something like that to me today.
PHOEBE: Okay, ask her 'What is her current method of
RICHARD: Honey, you are in it. birth control?' MINDY: (entering) Rach! Rach!
MONICA: Oh God, you are about to get sooo CHANDLER: All right. (reading her answer) "My husband RACHEL: Oh, hi!
lucky. is sleeping with his secretary." She's married!
MINDY: Oh my God, I'm married!
RICHARD: Oh, yeah! PHOEBE: Well at least we know she's a woman.
RACHEL: I know.
MONICA: Keep talkin'. CHANDLER: I can't believe she's married.
MINDY: I'm Mrs. Dr. Barry Hunter hyphen Farber.
now.
BARRY: (entering) Min. Oh Rach, you're still here, at our
RACHEL: Oh honey, I'm so proud of you, Min. wedding, they were packing up the chopped liver about RACHEL: Yeah, I love that story. Um, I got a question
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for you guys. Why do people keep is saying that is [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading a script
good to see me up and about? ROSS: Most of you don't know me, I'm Rachel's boyfriend. as Ross enters]
MINDY: Well uh, after you ran out on your RACHEL: Oh dear God. ROSS: All right I've been feeling incredibly guilty
wedding, Barry's parents told people that you were about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and
sort of....insane. ROSS: Ross, uh and uh, I'd just like to say that it did take a dammit I am a good friend. So just, just shut up and
lot of courage for Rachel to come here tonight. And, uh, for close your eyes (kisses Joey).
RACHEL: Insane! the record she did not run out on Barry because she had
syphilis. (da-doom-chesh) (to drummer) What are you JOEY: Wow, you are a good friend, 'course the
MINDY: ...from the syphilis. doing I'm serious. Uh, the reason she walked out on, on audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that
Barry is simply that she didn't love him, which incidentally was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl.
RACHEL: What?! worked out pretty well for me (looks for the END
da-doom-chesh, and doesn't get one) Cheers.
BARRY: Yeah, what are they gonna say you didn't
love me anymore. Come on. RACHEL: (to Ross) She you in the parking lot. 301 The One With the Princess Leia Fantasy
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe, Chandler,
and Joey are there, Joey is on the phone.] ROSS: (runs after her) No, Rach! [Scene Central Perk, the whole gang is entering]
Joey: I'm tellin' ya that girl totally winked at me.
JOEY: Angela? Joey Tribiani. Listen, what are ya BARRY: And once again she is out of here. Okay who had All: Did not, she did not wink at you... (sees that their
doing tonight. I know your seeing that guy I was 9:45? Um? sacred couch is occupied by strangers) .
thinking maybe you could bring him.....Hello? Chandler: Huh. (They all leave, dejected)
Hello? (picks up a statue of an Indian and walks RACHEL: (after a pause with everyone staring at her, she Opening Credits
into goes up to the microphone) Ya, know what Barr, I'm not [Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Phoebe, Ross, and
his room) gonna leave. I probably should, but I'm not, see 'cause I Rachel are eating breakfast.]
promised myself that I would make it through at least Ross: I have to say Tupolo Honey by Van Morrison.
(the computer bing, bongs) *one* of your weddings (da-doom-chesh). See now, Rachel: Nooo Way! The most romantic song ever is
tonight, all I The Way We Were.
PHOEBE: Aren't you gonna answer her, that's like really wanted was to make it though this evening with a Phoebe: See, I-I think that one that Elton John wrote
the tenth bing-bong message she sent. She wants little bit of grace and dignity. Well (laughing), I guess we for, um, that guy on Who's The Boss.
to know what's wrong? can all agree that's not gonna happen. There's nothing Rachel: What song was that, Pheebs?
really left to say except....(starts singing) "Her name was Phoebe: (singing) Hold me close, young Tony Dan-za.
CHANDLER: What's wrong? What's wrong? Lola. She was a showgirl. With yellow feathers (band joins (Monica enters from her bedroom)
You're married that's what's wrong. in), feathers in her hair, and a dress cut down to there. She Phoebe: Hi Monica!
would..." Ross: Hey Mon!
(bing, bong) Rachel: Hey Mon!
ROSS: Marenge, (she just walks straight into the bathroom)
PHOEBE: Oh, my. Phoebe: Oh my God, has she slept at all?
RACHEL: (singing) "...marenge, thank you honey, and do Ross: Nope.
CHANDLER: What? the cha-cha. And while she like to be a star, Tony always Rachel: No, it's been three nights in a row.
tended bar. At the, wait, wait, everybody.." Ross: Yeah, she finally stopped crying yesterday, but
PHOEBE: She wants to meet you in person. then she found one of Richard's cigar butts out on the
ROSS: Everybody! terrace, so.
CHANDLER: Hey, look, Phoebe I wanted to meet Phoebe: Oh, okay that explains it. I got a call at two in
her in person too, okay, but she's married, she has RACHEL: At the Copa, Copa Cabana (everyone joins in) the morning, but all I could hear was, like, this high
a husband. The hottest spot north of Havana. At the Copa, Coo-pa squeaky sound, so I thought okay its like a mouse or a
Ca-ban-a, music and fashion were always the passion, at opossum. But then I realized where would a mouse or
PHOEBE: What if the husband person is the the Copa.... a opossum get the money to make the phone call.
wrong guy, and you are the right guy. I mean you [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is coming in from
don't get chances like this all the time, if you don't [Scene: later, Richard and Monica are dancing] the bedroom]
meet her now, you're gonna be kicking yourself Chandler: Morning.
when your 80, which is hard to do, and that's how RICHARD: Okay, I'll do it. Joey: Morning, hey, you made pancakes?
you break a hip. Chandler: Yeah, like there's any way I could ever do
MONICA: You'll do what? that.
CHANDLER: Okay, I'll do it! Janice: (entering and singing) Monica and Rachel had
RICHARD: If kids is what I takes to be with you then kids it syrup, now I can get my man to cheer up. (laughs
PHOEBE: Oh, yeah! Okay! Great! Go, man, go put is. hysterically) Good morning Joey.
on your shoes, and, and march out there and meet Joey: (sarcastically) Good morning.
her! (Chandler runs and picks up his shoes) Oh, MONICA: Oh my God! Chandler: Hey, you know what, here's a thought.
wait, no, no you have to take a shower, 'cause, Why don't you stay home from work today and just
eww. (Chandler runs to the bathroom, as the RICHARD: If I have to I'll, I'll do all again , I'll do the 4 hang out with me.
computer bing-bongs) No, you know what you o'clock feeding thing, I'll go to the P.T.A. meetings, I'll Janice: Oh, I wish. Look, honey, you have that report
have to answer her, answer her first. (Chandler coach the soccer team. MONICA: Really? to finish, and I gotta go see my lawyer.
runs to the computer) No, no, you know what RICHARD: Yeah, if I have to. Monica, I don't wanna lose Chandler: I can not believe that I am going out with
make some coffee 'cause its too much. (Chandler you, so if I have to do it all over again, then I will. someone that is getting divorced. I'm such a grown up.
walks slowly into the kitchen) Janice: (laughs) I-I-I gotta go, I gotta go. Okay, not
MONICA: You're the most wonderful man. And if you without a kiss.
[Scene: at Barry and Mindy's reception, Monica hadn't of said 'if I have to' like seventeen times, then I'd be Chandler: Well, maybe I won't kiss you, and then
and Richard are sitting at a table, and Monica is saying 'okay, let's do it.' you'll have to stay.
trying to throw a piece of candy into his mouth.] Joey: (under his breath) Kiss her! Kiss her!
RICHARD: But you're not. Janice: I'll see you later, sweetie. Bye Joey.
MONICA: Okay, one more, please. Come on, I'm Joey: B-bye Janice. So when ya' dumpin' her.
gonna get it in this time, I will. MONICA: Oh my God, I can't believe what I'm getting Chandler: Nope, not this time.
ready to say. I wanna have a baby, but I don't wanna have Joey: Come on, quite yankin' me.
RICHARD: Okay, last chance. (Monica throws the one with someone who doesn't really wanna have one. Chandler: I'm not yanking you.
candy and hits some woman in the back of the Joey: This is Janice.
head, Richard turns around and says) Again, I'm RICHARD: God. I love you. Chandler: Yeah, I know. She makes me happy.
sorry. Joey: Okay. All right. You look me in the eye and tell
MONICA: I know you do. Me too. (pause) So what now? me, without blinking, that you're not breaking up with
MONICA: You know what, maybe I don't need to her. No blinking.
have children. You know maybe I just think I do RICHARD: I guess we just keep dancing. Chandler: (looks him in the eye) I'm not breaking up
because that is what society, and by that I mean with her! (they stare at each other for a while, then
my mom, has always convinced me that I...(sees [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Rachel, Ross, Joey, and Joey blows in his face)
two little girls dancing together) I do, I have to Phoebe are there waiting for Chandler's cyberchick to [Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Monica is entering from
have children, I'm sorry, I just do. arrive] the bathroom.]
Monica: God, look what I found in the drain.
BEST MAN: (standing up) Yo! Can I have your CHANDLER: Where is she, Where is she? (grabs Rachel) Rachel: What?!
attention, please, Best Man, making a toast here. Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she? Monica: It's some of Richard's hair! (holds it close to
Thank you. (clears throat, and starts reading his Ross) What do I do with this?
toast) I remember when Barry got home from his RACHEL: Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here. Ross: Getting it away from me would be job one.
first date with Rachel... Monica: It's weird, but you know what I don't wanna
CHANDLER: (noticing a beautiful blond walking in) Ooh, throw this away. I mean this is like all I have left of him,
ALL: What?! oh, oh, that's her. gross, drain hair. Ooh! (drops it in Ross's cereal)
Phoebe: Ooh. Oh. It looks like, like a tiny little person
BEST MAN: What, (to Barry) you hired the same ROSS: (seeing her also) Yeah, 'cause life's just that kind. drowning in your cereal. (Ross gives her this look, like
band I can't use the same speech. (gets a 'Yeah, doesn't it', and gets up to dump it down the
'da-doom-chesh' from the drummer) Thank you, PHOEBE: Chandler, you gotta stop staring at the door. It's drain.)
thank you very much. Anyway, I wish you both a like a watched pot, you know if you keep looking at it then Monica: God, what is wrong with me.
wonderful life together. And Rachel... the door is to, never gonna boil. I think what you have to Ross: You need to get some sleep.
do is try not to... Monica: I need to get some Richard.
RACHEL: What. Rachel: Monica, you broke up with him for a reason.
(Chandler's date walks in) Monica: I know, I know. I'm just so tired of-of missing
BEST MAN: No, no, no now in all seriousness, its him. I'm tired of wondering why hasn't he called. Why
not a lot of women would've had the guts to come CHANDLER: Oh my God! (it's Janice) hasn't he called!
back here tonight, and even fewer, who would do Phoebe: Maybe, because you told him not to.
it with their asses hanging out! (da-doom-chesh) JANICE: OH.....MY.....GAWD!! (Chandler rushes over and Monica: What are you the memory woman?
kisses her) Joey: (entering) Their not breaking up. Chandler and
ROSS: (standing up) Uh, I like to, uh, to add Janice. Their not breaking up. He didn't blink or
something to that... ALL: OH.....MY.....GOD!! anything.
Rachel: Well, you know I'm not surprised. I mean
RACHEL: Why are you adding, why are you CLOSING CREDITS have you seen them together, they're really cute.
adding, why are you adding, why are you adding? Joey: Cute! This is Janice! You remember Janice?
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Rachel: Yes, Joey, I remember, she's annoying, Joey: Look, I don't hate Janice, she's-she's just a lot to Ross: Rachel says sharing's great and supposedly, you
but you know what she's-she's his girlfriend now. I take, you know. know, we outta be doing it. Do you wanna?
mean what can we do? Chandler: Well, there you go. Chandler: We're not gonna talk about girth are we?
Joey: There you go! That's the spirit I'm looking Joey: Oh, hey. Come on man, don't look at me like that, Ross: Nooo!
for! What can we do? Huh? All right who's first? she used to drive you nuts before too, remember? Chandler: Yeah, okay.
Huh? Ross? Chandler: Well, I'm crazy about her now. I think this could Ross: Yeah?
Ross: Well I'm thinking that Chandler's our friend be the real thing. Capital 'R'! Capital 'T'! (Joey stares at him) Chandler: Yeah! All right! You go first.
and Janice makes him happy, so I say we just all Don't worry, those are the right letters. Ross: Okay, okay, I'll go first.
be adult about it and accept her. Joey: Look, what do you want me to say? Chandler: Okay.
Joey: Yeah, we'll call that Plan B. All right? Chandler: I want you to say that you like her! Ross: So, uh, the other night Rachel and I are in bed
[Scene: Ross's bedroom, Ross is working and Joey: I can't. It's like this chemical thing, you know. Every talking about fantasies, and I happened to describe a
Rachel is reading a book in bed] time she starts laughing, I just wanna (grimaces and particular Star Wars thing....
Rachel: (she leans over and kisses him on the tenses up) pull my arm off just so that I can have Chandler: Princess Leia in the gold bikini.
cheek) Honey, I was wondering.... something to throw at her. Ross: Yes!
Ross: Hmm? Chandler: Thanks for trying. (grabs the ticket and starts Chandler: I know!
Rachel: Do you still have that, um, Navy uniform? to leave) Oh, and by the way there is no Count Rushmore! Ross: Yes! Wow, well, that-that was easy. Okay,
Ross: Nooo, I had to return it to the costume Joey: Yeah, then-then who's the guy that painted the you-you go.
place. faces on the mountain? (Chandler gives him a look like 'You Chandler: Okay.
Rachel: Hmm. stupid idiot!') Ross: Okay.
Ross: I think I have an old band uniform from Commercial Break Chandler: Okay, you know, you know when your in
high school. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Ross are bed, with a woman.
Rachel: You remember not having sex in high entering] Ross: Hmph.
school, right? Ross: How could you have told her? Chandler: And, ah, you know, your fooling around
Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Ross, I didn't think it would that big of a deal. with her. And you get all these like, mental images in
Rachel: Well honey, what about you? Ross: Oh, she didn't think it would be that big of deal. your brain, you know, like Elle MacPherson, or that girl
Ross: What? Rachel: Okay, who are you talking to when you do that? at the Xerox place....
Rachel: I mean do you have any fun, you know, Ross: Look, that was supposed to be like a private, Ross: With the belly-button ring? Oh, muhawa!
fantasy type things? personal thing between us. Chandler: I know, And then all of the sudden your
Ross: No. Rachel: Okay, Ross, Phoebe is my girlfriend, okay, we tell Mom pops into your head. And your like 'Mom, get
Rachel: Come on you gotta have one! each other everything. You know, I mean, come on, guys outta here!' You know, but of course, like, after that
Ross: Nope. do the same thing, I mean, what about all that locker room you can't possibly think of anything else, and you can't,
Rachel: Ross, you know what... stuff. you know, stop what your doing. So it's kinda like,
Ross: What? Ross: That's different, okay. That's like, uh 'Who dated a you're, you know. You know... (Ross just stares at
Rachel: ...if you tell me, I might do it. stripper?' or 'Who did it on the back of the Staton Island him) . You don't know!
Ross: Okay, umm. Did you ever see, um, Return Ferry?'. Ross: Your Mom, your telling me, your telling me,
Of The Jedi? Rachel: Were both of those Joey? about your Mom, what is the matter with you?
Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Yeah. Look, you don't, you don't talk about like, you Chandler: You said...
Ross: Do you remember the scene with, um, know, your girlfriend and the intimate stuff you, you do Ross: I said 'share' not 'scare'. Go sit over there!
Jabba the Hut? Well Jabba had as, as his prisoner, with her. (Chandler goes over and sits at a table and puts his
um, Princess Leia. Rachel: Not even with your best friend. head down) .
Rachel: Oooh! Ross: Noo! [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Janice are
Ross: Princess Leia, was wearing this, um, gold Rachel: That is so sad. Your missing out on so much, Ross. returning from their DAY OF FUN!]
bikini thing. It was pretty cool. I mean, the bonding and the sharing, you know. And-and Janice: We're baack!
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are knowing that someone else is going through the same Joey: Hey!
there] thing you are. Chandler: What are you guys doing together?
Phoebe: Yeah, oh, Princess Leia and the gold Ross: Hmph. So what you, you tell each other everything? Janice: Joey and Janice's DAY OF FUN!!! (laughs)
bikini, every guy our age loved that. Rachel: Pretty much. Chandler: Really.
Rachel: Really! Ross: Did you talk about the night of five times? Do you Joey: Yeah, yeah. We went to a Mets game, we got
Phoebe: Um, um. It's huge. Yeah, that's the tell people about the night of five times? Chinese food, and you know, I love this woman. You
moment, when-when, you know she stopped Rachel: Uh, honey, yeah that was with Carol. have got competition buddy.
being a princess, and became, like, a woman, you Ross: I know, but it's still worth mentioning, I think. Janice: I just came by to give you a kiss, I have to go
know. [Scene: Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is trying to relax her.] pick up the baby, so. I'll see you later sweetheart, you
Rachel: Did you ever do the-the Leia thing? Phoebe: ( in a soothing voice) Relax every muscle in your too Chandler. (laughs)
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, um-mm. Oh! body. Listen to the plinky-plunky music. Okay, now close Chandler: You still can't stand her can you?
Rachel: Really! That-that great huh? you eyes, and think of a happy place. Okay, tell me your Joey: I'm sorry man, I tired, I really did.
Phoebe: No it's just that I got this new pager and happy place. Chandler: Well, you know, I appreciate you giving it a
I have it on vibrate. See ya! Monica: Richard's living room, drinking wine. shot.
Ross: (entering with Monica in tow) Hey! Phoebe: All right. No, no, no, not a Richard thing, just put Joey: But, hey, look, you know the good thing is, is
Rachel: Hi you guys! down the glass. And get out! that we spent the whole day together and I survived,
Ross: Look who I found standing outside of the Monica: I'm sorry, but that's my happy place. and what's even more amazing, so did she. It was bat
Szechwan Dragon staring at a parking meter. Phoebe: Well, okay, fine, use my happy place. Okay, I'm day at Shea Stadium.
Rachel: Mon. Hi! just gonna, I have to ask that you don't move anything. Chandler: Well, I guess that's something.
Monica: Hi. Monica: All right, I'll try not to. Joey: No man, that's huge! Now, I know I can stand to
Rachel: Why aren't you at work? Phoebe: Okay, all right, so, your in a meadow, millions of be around her, which means I get to hang out with you,
Monica: Oh, they-they sent me home. stars in the sky.... which is kinda the whole point, anyway.
Rachel: Why? Monica: Do you think breaking up with him was a huge Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Because I don't work at the Szechwan mistake? Joey: Oh, hey, Chandler, we, ah, we stopped by the
Dragon. Phoebe: All right, there are no questions in the happy coffee shop and ran into Ross.
Ross: Okay. place. Okay, just, the warm breeze, and the moonlight Chandler: Oh God!
Rachel: You really, really need to get some sleep, flowing through the trees.... Joey: Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I do it too.
honey. Monica: I'll bet he's totally over me, I'll bet he's fine. Chandler: Really?
Monica: I know I do. Phoebe: All right, betting and wagering of any kind, are, Joey: Oh yeah, I always picture your Mom when I'm
Ross: Hi. I'm sure, not permitted in the happy place. Okay. Just-just, having sex.
Rachel: Hi. you know, the-the lovely waterfalls, and the, the trickling [Scene: Rachel and Monica's, Monica is watching the
Ross: Guess what? fountains. And the-the calming sounds of the babbling Civil War videos]
Rachel: What? brook.... Video:April Twelve, Eighteen hundred, Sixty-One
Ross: They published my paper. Monica: Okay, this isn't working. I'm still awake and now I (Monica lights Richard's cigar butt) , 4:30 A.M. on
Rachel: Oh, really, let me see, let me see. have to pee. Tuesday, the United States garrison at Fort Sumter was
Phoebe: Rach, look! (she holds two buns up to [Scene: Chandler and Joey's] fired upon (knock on door) it is now under
her ears to make her hair look like the Princess Janice: So, I hear, you hate me! bombardment by....
Leia 'do.) Oh, hi! Where is my strong Ross Joey: I, ah, I never said hate, I was very careful about (Monica answers the door)
Skywalker to come rescue me. (Ross stands up that. Monica: Hi, Dad, what are you doing here?
horrified) There he is. Janice: A little birdie told me something about you Mr. Geller: Well, it's your mother's bridge night so I
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching wanting to rip your arm off and throw it at me. thought that I would come into the city for a little
Wheel of Fortune, the puzzle is showing _oun_ Joey: And you got a 'hate' from that?! Your taking a big Monicuddle. (hugs her) Since when did you start
Rush_ore.] leap there... smoking cigars?
[Chandler enters] Janice: All right, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, we've got to do Monica: I don't, I just, I just like the smell of them. So,
Chandler: Hey! something about our little situation here Joey. So, this is my uh, what are you really doing here Dad?
Joey: Wheel! idea: you and me spending some quality time together. Mr. Geller: Well, I just wanted to make sure you were
Chandler: Of! Joey: But what does that gonna do... okay.
Joey: Fortune! This guy is so stupid. (yelling) It's Janice: For Chandler! Monica: What makes you think that I might not be
Count Rushmore!! Joey: Okay. I'm in. okay?
Chandler: You know, you should really go on this Janice: Okay. All right. This is what we're gonna call it: Mr. Geller: I saw Richard.
show. All right, listen, I got three tickets to the 'Joey and Janice's DAY OF FUN!' Monica: Oh.
Rangers tonight. What'd ya' say? Joey: Does it have to be a whole day? Mr. Geller: So, how are you doing?
Joey: I say, 'I am there!' Cool! Aw, is Ross going Janice: Yes, because that's how long it takes to love me. Monica: I'm fine, just a little tired, I'm okay. How's
to? Joey: Yeah, I know, I sleep in the next room. Richard doing?
Chandler: No, Janice. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Monica are entering] Mr. Geller: You don't wanna know.
Joey: Jan-ice. 'Cause I, just, I feel bad for Ross, Monica: (crying) So, I went down to the post office, and it Monica: No, I really, really do.
you know, we-we always go together, we're like turns out it was those videos that I ordered for Richard Mr. Geller: Well, he's doing terrible!
the three hocke-teers. about the Civil War. He loved the Civ)l War. Monica: Really!
Chandler: You know, I may be way out on a limb Phoebe: Monica, do you want us to take you home? Mr. Geller: Worse than when he broke up with
here, but do you, do you, have a problem with Monica: Uh, huh. (to Ross) Or maybe to a galaxy far, far Barbara.
Janice? away. (Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe leave) Monica: You're not just saying that are you?
Joey: No, Yeeees. God, how do I say this. (walks Ross: Women tell each other everything. Did you know Mr. Geller: No, the man is a mess.
into the kitchen, Chandler follows closely, he turns that? Monica: Was he crying?
around and gets startled) . Oh, hi, you know that Chandler: Umm, yeah. Mr. Geller: No.
girl from the Greek restaurant with the hair (holds Ross: No Chandler, everything! Like stuff you like, stuff she Monica: Well, do you think he was waiting 'til after
his hands up to signify she has big hair) ? likes, technique, stamina, girth.... you left, so he could cry?
Chandler: Ooh, that girl that I hate, eww, drives Chandler: Girth? Why, why, why, wh-why, why, why, why Mr. Geller: Maybe.
me crazy, eww, eww, oh! would they do this? Monica: I think so.
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Mr. Geller: Honey, relationships are hard. Like Monica: Ooh, Phoebe, you look great! message at the tone."
with your Mom and me. You know after we Phoebe: All right all ready. Machine: "You have two new messages."
graduated college we broke up for a while. It Monica: (to Ross) Ooh, are you gonna do magic? Joey: Wow, what a cool job. (in a machine voice) 'You
seems her Father, your Grandfather, wanted her to Ross: That's, that's funny. Change! have two new messages.' 'Please, pass the pie.'
travel around Europe, like he did. Of course, he got Monica: Hang on a second I just got in. Monica: (on machine) "Hi, it's Monica. I'm just
to do it on Uncle Sam's nickel, because he was also Ross: Look, I don't care it starts at eight, we can't be late. checking in 'cause I got this message from you and I
strafing German troop trains at the time. However, Phoebe: We could not, would not want to wait. didn't know if it was old or new or what. So, I'm just
(turns around and sees that Monica is sleeping and Ross: Look, our table is down in front, okay, my boss is checkin'. So let me know, or don't, whatever. I'm
puts a blanket around her, kisses her, picks up the gonna be there, everyone will see if we arrive after it starts. breezy."
cigar, and starts watching the video) Monica: Has somebody been drinking my fat? (Joey and Joey: Hey, you can't say you're breezy, that, that
Closing Credits Chandler look at each other) totally negates the breezy.
[Scene: Ross's bedroom, Ross is humming the Star Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) You guys, (holds up Woman's Voice: (on machine) Hola, it's me,
Wars theme. Rachel enters, with her hair done up an outfit) does this look like something the girlfriend of a yesterday was really fun. Call me about this weekend,
like Princess Leia's, and wearing a belly dancer's paleontologist would wear? okay.
outfit, to simulate the gold bikini thing.] Phoebe: I don't know, you might be the first one. Joey: Now she sounded breezy.
Rachel: Okay, here we go. I'm Jabba's prisoner, Monica: Rach, did you check the machine? Commercial Break
and you have a really weird look on your face. Rachel: Uh, no. Wait, you know what, this is the outfit that [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier]
What? Honey, what is it? Did I get it wrong? Did I makes my calves look fat. Nevermind. Monica: He's seeing someone. I can't believe he's
get the hair wrong? What? Did you just picture it Chandler: Well, Joey, I wrote a little song today. It's called: seeing someone.
differently? What? What? Get Up. Phoebe: Monica, you don't know that.
Ross: No, no it's, um, it's not you, um, it's um, it's Joey: All right! You can have the chair. Monica: Well, who's voice was that?
(turns and sees his Mom standing where Rachel is) Chandler: Really! Chandler: Maybe it was his sister's. You know, maybe
Mrs. Geller: Well what is it? Come on sweetie, Joey: Oh my, would you look at that! (holds up crossed it was his daughter's.
your like, freaking me out here. fingers) Monica: Michelle! Of course, it was Michelle! Did it
Ross: I hate Chandler, the bastard ruined my life. Phoebe: (on machine) "Hi, it's me, I'm coming over now. sound like Michelle?
(Rachel starts looking around and down, with a Hey, what if I'm already there when your playing this Ross: Oh, great. It's starting to rain, that will make it
'What the hell is going on?' look on her face.) message?" (to the guys) Is that too spooky? easy to get a cab.
End Ross: (on machine) "Hi Rach, are you there? It's me, pick Monica: It was Michelle. It was definitely Michelle.
up. Rachel. Rach!" Rachel: Pheebs, you go with Monica and try on her
Rachel: (entering from her bedroom) What?! green dress. If that doesn't work, you can wear my
302 The One Where No-one's Ready Ross: Nevermind. gray silk one. Oh, gosh, what am I wearing?!
Richard: (on machine) "Monica, it's Richard. Call me." Ross: You don't, you don't know what your wearing?
[Scene: Rachel and Monica's, everyone is getting Monica: Is-is-is that message old or new? (yelling) Old or Rachel: Well, hon-ey. I'm just trying to look nice for
ready to go to a banquet] new?! Old or new?! your big night.
Joey: All right they got water, orange juice, and Ross: It's old, it's definitely old. Didn't you hear the, the Ross: Yeah, which, which we have to leave for in
what looks like cider. (takes a glass from the double beep? exactly twelve minutes. All right, come on, I'll just pick
fridge.) Monica: What if it's new? I mean, we agreed not to talk something out for you.
Chandler: Taste it. again, unless we had something really important to say. Chandler: All right, you will notice that I am fully
Joey: (drinks from the glass and puts it back in Shouldn't I call him back? dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in
the fridge) Yep, it's fat. I drank fat! Chandler: Honey, you did call him back. 'Cause, it's, it's the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole!"
Chandler: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes really old. Joey: Okay. (he gets up and takes the cushions with
ago. Ross: Yeah, see Mon, listen, listen. When Carol and I him, as he starts to leave)
Ross: (entering) Hey! broke up, I went through the same thing. And you know Chandler: What are you doing?
Chandler: Hey, mister tux! what I did? Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't
Ross: Why aren't you guys dressed? Monica: Huh? say anything about the cushions.
Joey: We have a half hour. Ross: I.....got.....dressed. Really, really quickly. Okay, okay. Chandler: The cushions are the essence of the chair!
Ross: No, four minutes ago you had a half hour, (Rachel starts to follow Monica into her room, but Ross Joey: That's right! I'm taking the essence.
we have to be out the door at twenty to eight. stops her and sends her back to her room.) There we go, Chandler: Oh-ho, it'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody
Joey: Relax Ross, we'll be ready. It only takes us there we go. in the room.
two minutes to get dressed. Chandler: You know what, okay, fine. Don't get up, you Ross: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty.
Ross: Well, you know, I'd feel a whole lot better if just sit right there. I just hope, you don't mind, you know, Rachel: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless
you got dressed now. my hand right here. (holds his hand a couple of inches in you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep.
Chandler and Joey: Okay. (they don't move) front of Joey's face) Op, not touching, can't get mad! Not Ross: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable
Rachel: (entering from bathroom) Hey-hey! Oh, touching can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! (Joey sheep.
look at you, all sexy. flings some dip onto Phoebe's dress) Rachel: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would
Ross: Really. Phoebe: Ah! Oh my God! You r-r-rotten boys! like back one of these days.
Rachel: Ooooh! Wow!! Oh, hi. Chandler and Joey: Sorry Phoebe. Phoebe: Oh Rach, good, listen isn't this perfect for me!
Ross: Hi. Joey: I'm so sorry. (she's wearing another dress on a hanger around her
Rachel: How come you didn't come over earlier? Phoebe: What am I gonna do? neck)
Ross: 'Cause, I'm a stupid, stupid man. Ross: No, no, don't, don't, rub it! Don't! (clapping) What Rachel: Oh, it's perfect! But not for tonight.
Joey: Hey, Ross, want some cider? gets out hummus?! What gets out hummus?! Phoebe: Well, of course not for tonight. Yeah, hi!
Ross: No. (to Rachel) So, um, let's see your pretty Phoebe: Monica, Monica, you know what gets out Ross: Not for tonight. Not for tonight! Wh-what, what,
close, huh. Make-up's on, hair's done. hummus. what, are you doing?
Rachel: Yeah, I just have to get dressed. Monica: If it is a new message, what is he calling to say? Rachel: No honey, we're sorry, we didn't mean it. I
Ross: Yay! And that takes what? Just six or seven Phoebe: Okay, thanks. Yeah, I'll try that. love you. I love you.
minutes. Chandler: Maybe he's calling to say your obsessive and Chandler: We used them as pillows when we went
Rachel: Yeah! Once, I figure out what I'm crazy. camping.
wearing. Monica: So, should I call him back? Ross: What?
Joey: Glass of fat? The Guys: Noo! (Monica starts to go back into her room Chandler: (shyly) The sheep.
Opening Credits and stops) NO! Ross: Hey, what you do on your own time...
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Ross is acting Chandler: All right, fine, you know what, we'll both sit in Joey: (entering) Where's my underwear?!
nervous] the chair. (sits on Joey's lap) I'm soooo, comfortable. Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, come on, what.
Joey: What's a matter Ross? What you're nervous Joey: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too You took his underwear?
about your speech? comfortable. Chandler: He took my essence!
Ross: No! Do you wanna hear it? Chandler: All right! (jumps up) Ross: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why, why can't you
Joey: Am I in it? Ross: Okay, look, we have nineteen minutes. Okay, just wear the underwear you're wearing now?
Ross: Uh, huh. Yeah, right after I thank everyone Chandler, I want you to go and change! Okay. And then, Joey: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now.
for giving money to the museum, I sing a song when you come back, Joey will go change, and he'll have Ross: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear
about the wonder that is Joey. vacated the chair. Okay. Okay. tonight?
Phoebe: (entering) Hello. Chandler: All right! Fine! I'm going. But when I get back Joey: It's a rented tux. Okay. I'm not gonna go
Ross: Hey! it's chair sitting, and I'm the guy who's....sitting in a chair! commando in another man's fatigues.
Joey: Whoa! (leaves) Chandler: Well, then it looks like somebody is gonna
Ross: Wow, hello! You look great! Rachel: (entering from her room) Is this a little too... have to give back somebody his cushions.
Phoebe: Thank you! I know, though. (sees Phoebe) Pheebs, what happened? Joey: Okay, you hide my clothes. I'm gonna do the
Ross: You see this, this is a person who is ready to Phoebe: Hummus. I got the hummus. exact opposite to you.
go. Phoebe you, oh, you are my star. Rachel: Ooooh! Honey, well we'll find you something. Do Chandler: What are you, what are you gonna show
Phoebe: Ohh, well, you're my lucky penny. you wanna wear my black jacket? me my clothes?
Chandler: (entering from bathroom, with an issue Phoebe: That won't go with this dress though. Joey: Hey, opposite, is opposite! (leaves)
of Cosmo) All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, Rachel: No, you're right. Well, we'll find something. Let's Chandler: He's got nothing!
I do put career before men. (to Joey) Get up. just get you out of that. Come on. Phoebe: (entering from Rachel's room, wearing a
Joey: What? Ross: No, no, no, no, no, no, not out of that, not out of huge bow to cover the stain) Okay, I'm ready.
Chandler: You're in my seat. clothes. Ross and Chandler: Oh, aaaah!
Joey: How is this your seat? Rachel: Monica, can Phoebe borrow your green dress? Phoebe: Rachel, didn't have anything that I liked, so,
Chandler: 'Cause I was sitting there. Monica: I called him. but she had this Christmas ribbon, and I thought, 'All
Joey: But then you left. All: Nooo. right, fine I'll be political.'
Chandler: Well, it's not like I went to Spain. I Monica: Yes. Well I got his machine and I left a message. Chandler: What are you supporting?
went to the bathroom, you knew I was coming But it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, because you know it was Phoebe: Duh!! Christmas!
back. like a casual, breezy message. It was breezy! Oh God, what Ross: Okay, hey, that's okay with me. Two down and I
Joey: What's the big deal, sit somewhere else. if it wasn't breezy? have exactly twelve minutes.... Wha, my watch
Chandler: The big deal is I was sitting there last, Phoebe: Well, how could it not be breezy, no, 'cause, stopped. My watch. (shows Chandler) Okay, see, the,
so, that's my seat. you're, you're in such a breezy place. the dinosaur tail isn't going around any more. (grabs
Joey: Well, actually the last place you were sitting Monica: Here, I got it. I'll will play my message for you Chandler's watch) What time is it? It's 7:33, I have
was in there (points to the bathroom) . Soo... guys, and you can tell me if it's breezy enough. seven minutes. I have seven minutes!!
Ross: You guys, you know what, you know what, Joey: Monica, how are you gonna do that? Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, Pheebs, quick,
it doesn't matter, because you both have to go get Monica: I know the code to his answering machine. what shoes should I wear? The black or the purple?
dressed before the big vain in my head pops. So.. Ross: Okay, Mon, I really don't think this is the... Okay, Ross: Just, just, just pick one!
Chandler: All right, Ross, I just have to do one you're dialing, you are dialing. Phoebe: Okay, okay, okay, the black. But, oh, do you
thing, really quickly, it's not a big deal. (yells at (Chandler enters, and Joey is standing near the chair, they have black, with the little strappys?
Joey) GET UP!! have a show down to see who gets the chair and Joey Rachel: Yeahh, but, but those really go better with
Monica: (entering) Hi. wins) pants. Maybe I should wear pants?
All: Hey. Richard: (on machine) "Hi, this is Richard. Please, leave a Ross: Yeah, pants, what, what an idea. Or better yet,
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um, how 'bout you go without any pants. Look, I here with you two! Neither you can come to the party! entering]
don't know what you're trying to do to me, but just Chandler: Jeez, what a baby. Monica: Hey, look at me. I'm making jam, been at it
get your butt in there and pick out any shoes that Joey: Yeah, Ross, way to ruin it. I was just going to get since 4 o'clock this morning.
fit your feet, okay. No, no I don't care if they match. dressed. Ross: Where'd you get fruit at four in the morning?
I don't care if they make your ankles or your knees Ross: You know what I don't care. The only person I cared Monica: Went down to the docks. Bet ya didn't know
or your earlobes look fat. Okay. about getting dressed, is the one person that says she's not you could get it wholesale.
Rachel: But I... even gonna go. Look Rach, I'm sorry. Okay. Look, I-I wa, I Rachel: I didn't know there were docks.
Ross: No, no, no just do it. Go in there and pick was a jerk. I'm sorry I yelled. I want you there, I need you [Joey and Chandler enter]
something out so we can go. there. Look, what, what can I do that can show you how Joey: Hey.
Rachel: All right. much, how much I want you to be there. Chandler: Hey.
Ross: Thank you! Joey: You could drink the fat. Ross: Aww, is it broken?
Monica: (entering from her room) Okay. I gotta Ross: Hi, welcome, to an adult conversation. Joey: No, I gotta wear this thing for a couple weeks.
call Michelle. I gotta see if that was her voice or Rachel: No, no, no, now wait, wa, wa, waa-it a minute, (points to the sling he is wearing)
not. I'm sorry, I just have to. wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. That actually, Rachel: Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up
Ross: It was, it was her voice. uh, that sounds interesting. and down on your bed?
Chandler: Monica, I think you've gone over to the Ross: What? Joey: Nooo. I had a story all worked out but then
bad place. Rachel: I think you should drink the fat. Chandler sold me out.
Michelle: Hola! Hello. Hello? Joey: Yaaaay! Chandler: Well, I'm sorry Joe. I didn't think the doctor
Monica: Okay. That was her right? Ross: Okay, okay. If that is what it takes to show you how was gonna buy that it just *fell* out of the socket.
Phoebe: Definitely. much you mean to me, and how much I want you there. Joey: What is this? Fruit?
Monica: See there you go. Woo! We're out of the Then that's what I'll do. Rachel: Monica's making jam.
woods. Okay, I'll get dressed now. Phoebe: Oh, wait, let me get you another glass. That's Joey: Whoa, jam! I love jam! (to Chandler) Hey, how
Ross: Yay! been sitting out. come we never have jam at our place?
(phone rings) Ross: I think this will be fine. Okay, vanilla milkshake, just Chandler: Because the kids need new shoes.
Phoebe: I'll get it, okay. (answers phone) Hi, a vanilla milkshake, with chicken bits floating in it. Cheers. Monica: I'm going into business people. I'm sick and
Monica and Rachel's. (listens) Yeah, just a second, (starts to drink, but Rachel stops him just before he starts tired of being depressed about Richard. I needed a
can I ask who's calling. (to Monica) Oh, ew, it's drinking) plan, a plan to get over my man. What's the opposite
Michelle! Ew! She, she must have that Caller Id Rachel: No, no, no, wait! Okay, okay. Don't! I'll go, I'll go! of man? Jam. (sees Joey trying some jam from the pot)
thing. You should get that. Ross: You will?! Oh Joey don't! It's way to hot. (Joey realizes this and
Monica: (on phone) Uh, Michelle. Yeah, that was Rachel: You were really gonna do that, weren't you? spits what he had in his mouth back into the pot.)
me, I-I dialed your number by mistake. (listens) Ross: Well, yeah. Joey: This will just be my batch.
Oh, you're so sweet. Yeah, we were a great couple. Rachel: You were gonna drink the fat. [Scene: Street, Phoebe is being followed by some guy,
I know I really miss him. Well, you know how it is, Joey: Let's see what else he'll do! as they pass a flower vendor. Phoebe turns around and
it's that.... Ross: (to Joey) How 'bout instead you, go get changed! the guy quickly picks up some flowers and continues
Chandler: (to Phoebe) You know what's weird. (to Chandler) You, give him back his underwear! I'm gonna following her.]
Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's go get a cab, and I want everyone down stairs in two Phoebe: (turns around) Um, that's it. No. Hey! You! J.
getting out of the shower, he always put a towel minutes! Monica! Crew guy. Yeah. Why have you been following me? I
around his waist. I mean, what is that about? (Joey and Chandler start to leave, Joey is lunging as he is mean, all week long everywhere I look there's you.
Monica: (on phone) Michelle, I only beeped in so walking) Guy: You wouldn't return my calls, you sent back my
I could hear my message. I mean that's allowed. Chandler: Stop it. Stop it! letters....
Yeah-huh! I mean look, yeah, you know what I (Monica runs into the living room, and starts dialing the Phoebe: What?
would really appreciate it if you didn't tell your Dad phone) Guy: One more chance Ursula, please?
about. What do you mean, you're not comfortable Phoebe: Ross, went to get a cab so we can all... No, Phoebe: Oooh. Oh, well this is awkward.
with this? Come on we're friends!! (Michelle hangs wh-what are you doing! No, Monica, no! Guy: Wh..
up) That bitch always hated me. I'm calling her Richard: (on machine) Hi, this is Richard. Phoebe: Um, yeah, you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe.
back. Machine: You have three new messages. Twin sisters! Seriously.
Ross: No, no, no, no. Tick, tick, tick, tick. Monica: Not any more! Guy: Oh, that's great. I'm stalking the wrong woman. I
Monica: Okay, fine. (runs to her room) Machine: Message erased. To record a message begin am such a dingus!
Chandler: They got a phone in there, right? speaking at the tone. Phoebe: Oh, you're not a dingus.
Phoebe: Okay, we're on it. We're on it. Monica: Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, listen I did Guy: I just, I want you to know I didn't used to be like
(Rachel comes out from her room wearing sweat something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm getting my this. Before I meet your sister I was like this normal
pants and a sweatshirt) period or something, I don't know. Um, anyway, I, I, I guy who sold beepers and cellular phones.
Ross: Um. I know it says black tie optional, but, beeped into your machine and I heard a message that, that Phoebe: Well, I mean look it's, it's not your fault, you
um this may be pushing it a little, um. freaked me out, and um, you know what Michelle will tell know. I mean this is just what, what she does to guys,
Rachel: I'm not gonna gooo. you the rest. I, I, um, I'm sorry, okay, I, I hope that we can okay.
Ross: You're not going to go. forget the whole thing. Okay, bye. Guy: Well thanks. (starts to leave)
Rachel: No, I think I'm gonna catch up on my Machine: Your outgoing message has now been changed. Phoebe: Wait, (grabs him) you know what, I got a
correspondence. Monica: Outgoing! Did that say outgoing?! Not, little story. When I was in Junior High School I went
Ross: How, how, um how can you not be going? outgoing!!! through this period where I thought I was a witch. And
Rachel: I'm not gonna gooo, so I think that will Monica: (on machine) "Hi, uh, Richard it's Monica, um, there was this guidance counselor who said something
accomplish the not going. listen I did something kind of crazy tonight, um, maybe I'm to me, that I think will help you a lot. He said okay,
Ross: Um, you know, just out of curiosity... getting my period or something, I don't know." Nooo!! 'you're not a witch you're just an average student.' See
Rachel: Well, ever since I was humiliated and Phoebe: How did you do that? what I'm saying?
yelled at in front of my friends, I'm just, I don't Monica: I don't know! Guy: Not really.
know, not in a museum benefitty kind of mood. Machine: Good-bye. Phoebe: Um, well, get over it. So, I mean you, you
Ross: Right. Right, okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry Monica: Noooo!!!! just seem to be a really nice guy, you know. Don't be so
I yelled. Ross: (entering) Okay, okay, okay, I've got two cabs and hard on yourself okay.
Rachel: It's fine. no people. Go! Go! Go! Guy: Wait. You're right. I know you're right. And,
Ross: No, but, your-your mad. Monica: Maybe we could call the phone company. Maybe thanks for being so nice. Here (gives her the flowers he
Rachel: I'm not mad. they could change the message. Maybe they can change bought.)
Ross: No. his number. Phoebe: Oh, thanks a lot. Do you want to get a cup of
Rachel: I'm just not going. Phoebe: Yeah, after this, I think he'll be doing that coffee?
Ross: Your not going. himself. Guy: Yeah, okay.
Rachel: Right. Ross: Rachel!! (she enters) Wow! You, uh, you look, wow! Phoebe: Okay. (they start to leave, he is still following
Ross: Okay. You know that I-I have to go. Rachel: And I still have about five seconds to spare. her) Okay, you don't have to walk behind me any more.
Rachel: Um, hum. (kisses him) Okay, that was about seven seconds. Guy: Sorry.
Ross: Right. So is it gonna be like 'I'm abandoning Ross: So we're a little late. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are
you while your upset.' Rachel: Come on. (they start to leave) Oh! And, uh, by the entering]
Rachel: No. way.... Rachel: Mon?
Ross: No, because your not upset. Ross: What? Ross: Mon?
Rachel: Right. Rachel: I'm going commando, too. Rachel: (reading) 'Gone for more jars. Back later.
Ross: About the yelling. Ross: Awwww!!! Monica Geller.'
Rachel: Right, and the humiliating. Closing Credits Ross: Wait a minute, look.
Ross: Oh, well of course, the humiliating. So, so [Scene: At the banquet] Rachel: What?
wee, we're okay. Sherman Whitfield: Dr. Geller, Sherman Whitfield, Ross: Look, look, look.
Rachel: Um, hum. London Institute. Rachel: What, what, what?
Ross: We're good. Ross: Wow! What a pleasure. Ross: It's an empty apartment.
Rachel: Right. Whitfield: (sits down) Well, I have to tell you, I was quite Rachel: Oooh.
Ross: Okay. Honey? impressed with your paper on Pre-Cretaceous fossils. Yeah, Ross: We're all alone in an empty apartment.
Rachel: Yes, Ross. (turns toward him) it confirmed everything that I have written. Rachel: Honey, come on, I have to be at work in like
Ross: I love you. (goes to kiss her and she turns Chandler: Excuse me. Hi. ten minutes (Ross starts kissing her neck) Oh, all right,
away.) Whitfield: Yes? well it's not like I'm employee of the year or anything.
Phoebe: (yelling from the bedroom) Get away Chandler: Well, your kind of sitting in my seat. (they fall onto the couch)
from that! No! (she comes into the living room Whitfield: What do you mean, your seat? (Chandler enters and they both jump up and pretend
carrying the phone) She's just getting dressed. Chandler: I mean, I was sitting there. that Ross is showing her something in the couch.)
Chandler: Is it wrong that I was totally aroused Whitfield: But, you got up! Ross: There it is.
by that? Chandler: But, I never left the room! Rachel: Oh, oh, that's what you're talking about. (to
(Joey enters wearing a lot of clothes) Whitfield: But, you left the chair area. Chandler) Hey.
Joey: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my Chandler: All right, that's it, give me your underwear. Ross: Hey.
clothes, I'm wearing everything you own. End Chandler: Do I look fat?
Chandler: Oh my God! That is so not the opposite Ross and Rachel: Noo.
of taking somebody's underwear!! 303 The One With the Jam Chandler: Okay, I accept that. When Janice asked me
Joey: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be and I said no, she took that to mean that I was calling
wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting reading a her a cow.
commando... book and hears the bed in Joey's room creaking, and does Rachel: Okay, walk us through it, honey, walk us
Chandler: Oooo-ooh! a 'Oh no, not again' look on his face.] through it.
Joey: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. Joey: (from bedroom) WHOAA!! Chandler: Okay, well. Janice said 'Hi, do I look fat
I ah, I better not do any, I don't know, lunges. Chandler: (going to the bedroom) See Joe, that's why today?' And I, I looked at her....
(starts doing lunges) your parents told you not to jump on the bed. Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You looked at her. You
Ross: Okay, okay. Enough, enough with the Opening Credits never look. You just answer, it's just a reflex. Do I look
lunging. No! I'm sick of this. Okay. I've had it up to [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are fat? Nooo! Is she prettier than I am? Noo! Does size
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Season 3
matter? Monica: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I Chandler: Pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining
Rachel: Nooo! was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the order.
Ross: And it works both ways. most important thing to me in the world and that's when I Phoebe: What are you saying I should do?
Chandler: Okay, so you both just know this stuff? came up with the baby plan. Monica: I think, that if you really like this guy, you
Rachel: Well you know, after about thirty or forty Ross: Well, aren't you forgetin' something? What, what, should just trust him.
fights, you kinda catch on. what is uh, what is that guy's name? Dad! Phoebe: Thank you, Monica.
Ross: Okay, for instance. Let's say, Janice is Monica: It took me 28 years to find one man that I wanna Joey: Orrr, you could follow him and see where he
coming back from a trip and she gives you two spend my life with, if I have to wait another 28 years then, goes.
options. Option number 1 she'll take a cab home I'll be 56 before I can have a baby, and that's just stupid. Monica: Oh, that's what I would do, forget mine.
from the airport. Option 2 is you can meet her at Chandler: That, that's what's stupid. [Scene: Central Perk]
baggage claim. Which do you do? Monica: I don't need an actual man, just a couple of his Rachel: Oh my God, what happened? (points to the
Chandler: That's easy, baggage claim. best swimmers. And there, there are places you can go to cast on Janice's wrist)
Ross: (buzzes) Wrong! Now you're single. It's get that stuff. Janice: Oh. God, crazy Chandler. He spun
actually secret option number three, you meet her Rachel: Down at the docks again? me...off...the...bed!
at the gate. That way she knows you love her. [Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Janice and him are cuddling] Rachel: Wow! Spinning that sounds like fun.
Chandler: Okay, this is good, this is good. All right Janice: Night-night Bing-a-ling. Janice: Oh, (laughs) I wish. No, you know he was just
listen, I have one. Janice likes to cuddle, at night, Chandler: Night-night.....Janice. (he starts thinking to him trying Ross's Hug and Roll thing.
which, you know I'm all for. But, uh, you know self) 'Look at all that room on her side, you good fit a giant Rachel: (turns around, not amused) Ross's what?
when you want to go to sleep, you want some penguin over there. That would be weird though. Okay, Janice: You know what, where he hugs you and kinda
space. So, uh, how do I tell her that without, you hug and roll time. I'm huggin', I'm huggin', your rollin', rolls you away and... Oh... my....God.
know, accidentally calling her fat or something. and....yes! Freedom! (his one arm is still under her) Except [Scene: Subway station, Phoebe is following Malcom
Rachel: Oh honey, I'm sorry we can't help you for this arm! I'm stuck. Stuck arm! Okay, time for the old by finding behind the pillars until she comes up to one
there, 'cause we're cuddlily sleepers. (Chandler table cloth trick, one fluid motion. Quick like a cat, quick with a wire mesh garbage can next to it. Malcom stops
makes an 'Ewww' face) Okay, I'm late for work. like a cat! And 1...2...3!' (Pulls his arm out from under her and starts walking the other way and passes Phoebe,
Ross: Oh. and she is spun off of the bed.) who quick tries to hide behind the garbage can. But,
Rachel: All right are you guys gonna come down? Commercial Break Malcom sees her.]
Ross: Uh, yeah, yeah I'll, I'm right behind you. [Scene: Central Perk, Malcom is giving Phoebe all of his spy Malcom: Phoebe?
Rachel: Good luck Chandler. stuff] Phoebe: Yes? Yes! Oh.
Chandler: Thank you Rachel. Malcom: Here's my binoculars. Malcom: What are you doing?
Ross: Bye sweetie. Phoebe: Oh, great. Great. You're doing great, you know Phoebe: Oh, I was just here looking for, um, my um,
Rachel: Bye hon. real strong. Going strong. Keep going. my part of an old sandwich. Oh, here it is! Oh. (picks
Ross: (blows her a kiss) Okay the sleeping thing. Malcom: These are my night vision goggles. This is the one up out of the garbage can.)
Very tricky business, but there is something you book I pretend to read when I'm watching her in the park. Malcom: Were you following me?
can do. And these are Mad Lips, they're just for fun. Phoebe: Um, perhaps. Yes! Yes, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I
Chandler: Well, I thought you guys were cuddlily Phoebe: Oh, yeah. What's this? (picks up a book) was just afraid that you were still hung up on my sister.
sleepers. Malcom: Oh, this is log I kept, recording her every Malcom: So you spied on me. I can't believe you don't
Ross: Noo! No, not cuddlily, not me, just her. I'm movement. Do you wanna here something from it? trust me. (Ursula walks past, and Malcom finds behind
like you, I need the room. Okay, come here. (they Phoebe: Um, not even a little bit. the pillar)
sit on the couch and Ross puts his hands on Malcom: It's about you. Phoebe: Oh well, what do you know, there goes my
Chandler's shoulder and thigh.) Okay, you're in Phoebe: Oh, okay then. identical twin sister. Just walkin' along looking like me.
bed... Malcom: (reading) I met Phoebe today. She was really What, is this just like a freakish coincidence, or did you
Chandler: Yeah. (they both notice where his nice to me eventhough I'm such a loser. And, then when I know she takes this train?
hands are) was walking home I thought about her a lot, it was weird, Malcom: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I tried to stop, but I
Ross: I'm gonna use the cushion. but kinda cool. couldn't. I'm so pathetic.
Chandler: Yeah. Phoebe: Good. So what were you thinking? Phoebe: No, no, it's not your fault. You know it's
Ross: Okay, you're in bed. She's over on your side, Malcom: I was thinking what it would be like to kiss you. partly my fault, 'cause I made you quit cold turkey.
cuddling. Now you wait for her to drift off, and Phoebe: Really? Sorry, no. Okay, well, I mean, I can't date you anymore,
then you hug her (demonstrates on the cushion) Malcom: No. 'cause your, you know (in a high pitched voice) Wow!
and roll her back over to her side of the bed. And Phoebe: Oh. But um, but I will definitely, definitely help you get
then you rollll a-way. Hug for her! Roll for you. Malcom: See that's just something I said now, so that over my sister. Okay, stalk me for a while. Huh? Yeah,
Chandler: Okay, the old hug and roll. maybe I could kiss you. and, and, and, I'll be like an Ursula patch.
Ross: Yep. Phoebe: Oh, okay. (he kisses her) Malcom: Uh-huh, I don't know.
Chandler: Okay, one question. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is eating jam straight Phoebe: Yeah, just, okay, look I'm going. Um, come
Ross: Shoot. out of the jar, and Chandler is staring at him in amazement. on. Op, op, behind the pillar, which way am I gonna
Chandler: You're pretending the pillow's a girl Joey offers him some.] go?
right? Chandler: No, that's all right. I just had a jar of mustard. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering]
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is putting jam on his Monica: (entering from her bedroom) Okay, sperm donor Joey: Hey.
muffin, lots of jam] number 03815, come on down! Okay, he's 6'2", 170 Monica: Hey.
Joey: Remember when you where a kid and your pounds, and he describes himself as a male Geena Davis. Joey: Where you going?
Mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar of Chandler: You mean there's more than one of us. Monica: To the bank.
jam and a little spoon? Ross: Look, you can't do this Mon. All right, if you do this, Joey: Sperm or regular?
Rachel: (Looks at him) You're so pretty. I'm, I'm gonna, I'm, I'm gonna..... Monica: Sperm.
Phoebe: (entering) Hi! Monica: You're gonna what? Joey: So you're really doing this, huh?
All: Hey, Phoebe. Ross: I'm gonna tell Mom. Monica: Oh yeah, picked a guy, 37135.
Phoebe: Hey, oh, you know that guy who's been Rachel: Honey, I'm sorry, but he's right. I love you, but Joey: Sounds nice.
following me? I talked to him today. you're crazy. Monica: 'Fraid so. Brown hair, green eyes...
Joey: (with food in his mouth) You talked to him. Ross: Crazy. Joey: No kiddin', hmm.
Are you crazy? Monica: What?! Why? Why is this crazy? So this isn't the Monica: What?
Phoebe: Okay, first I'm not crazy. And second, ideal way to something.... Joey: No, I-I figured you would've picked a blond guy.
say it don't spray it. Anyway his name is Malcom, Ross: (interrupting her) Oh, it's not the ideal way... Monica: Really? Why?
and he wasn't following me, I mean he was, but Monica: Lips moving, still talking. I mean it may not be Joey: I don't know, I just always pictured you ending
'cause he thought I was Ursula, ick. And, that's ideal, but I'm so ready. No, I-I-I see the way Ben looks at up with one of those tall, smart blond guys, name
why, that's why he couldn't just come up and talk you. It makes me ache, you know? like.... Hoyt.
to me. 'Cause of the restraining order. Joey: Check it out!! Jam crackers! Monica: Hoyt?
Chandler: Umm, not feeling better 'bout Malcom. Monica: Okay, all right, how's this? 27. Italian-American Joey: It's a name, yeah. I saw you, you know, in this
Phoebe: Ooh! No, no, no, no, he's not like a kook, guy. He's an actor, born in Queens. Wow, big family, seven great house with a big pool.
no. He's just like this, this very passionate, sisters, and he's the only....boy. (they all turn and look at Monica: Really, is he a swimmer?
incredibly romantic guy, that got like a tinsy bit Joey) Oh my God, under personal comments: 'New York Joey: He's got the body for it.
carried away, you know. And we just get along Knicks, rule!' Monica: I like that. (Joey starts laughing) What?
really well, and he's so cute. Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule! Joey: You guys have one of those signs that says: 'We
Ross: Oh my God, you've got a crush on your Monica: Joey, this is you! don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our pool.', you
sister's stalker. Joey: Let me see. (goes over and looks at the form) Oh, know.
Phoebe: No, I'm just gonna help him, you know, right. Monica: We do not have one of those signs.
get 'de-Ursula-ized', like you know, like I did for Rachel: When did you go to a sperm bank? Joey: Sure you do, it was a gift from me. Oh! And you
Joey after he went out with her. Joey: Well, right after I did that sex study down at NYU. have these three great kids.
Joey: (with his mouthful) Hey, I didn't stalk her. I (to Chandler) Hey, Remember that sweater I gave you for Monica: Two girls and a boy?
mean (he sprays Phoebe with crumbs) your birthday? Joey: Yeah!
Phoebe: Okay, I asked for the news, not the Chandler: And that's how you bought it? Monica: And, and, and they wear those little water
weather. Joey: Noooo, that's what I was wearing when I donated. wings, you know. And they're, they're running around
Monica: (entering) Hey guys. I'm kinda surprised there's any of my boys left. on the deck. Then Hoyt wraps this big towel around all
All: Hey Mon. Monica: Well, honey, it is pretty competitive. I mean I've three of them.
Monica: Joey, this is for you. (gives him a jar of got an actual rocket scientist here. Joey: Sure! (Monica gets very depressed) But hey, you
jam) It's blackberry curin. Joey: Maybe, I should call this place and get them to put know this way sounds good too.
Joey: Aww. (tastes it) Ohh! my 'Days of Our Lives' on here. You know, juice this puppy Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the up a little. Joey: Oh Monica. (goes over and hugs her, then looks
Xerox place buck naked (holds up one hand) , or, Phoebe: (entering) Hellooo! at the form and stops hugging her.) Wow, this guy's an
or a big tub of jam. (holds up the other hand) All: Hey. astronaut. That would've been cool, (sees Monica) for
Joey: Put your hands together. Ross: How's the maniac? like a day. (hugs her again) .
Monica: Joey, take your time with that. That's my Phoebe: Oh, well he's yummy. We did a little kissin'. Closing Credits
last batch. Rachel: Phoebe, what are you doing? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is finishing off the
Joey: No more jam?! Phoebe: Oh, no, no, no, no. You know what, he's not into last of the jam]
Rachel: Well, what happened to your jam plan? that stuff anymore. He quit for me. Joey: I called the sperm bank today, they haven't sold
Monica: I figured out I need to charge seventeen Rachel: Pheebs, this guy has been obsessed with your a single unit of Tribianni. Nobody wants my product. I
bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new sister, for God knows how long, okay, you don't just give up mean, I-I-I don't get it (tries to drink the rest of the
plan now. Babies. something like that. jam out of the jar and gets it all over his face, on his
Chandler: Well, your gonna need much bigger Phoebe: Look, he gave me his night vision goggles and chin, nose, etc.) Maybe if they met me in person.
jars. everything. Rachel: Honey, you got a little thing on your... (points
Ross: What are you talking about? Ross: You're taking the word of a guy who has night vision to her whole face)
Monica: I'm talking about me having a baby. goggles? Joey: (wipes a little jam from the corner of his mouth)
Ross: What? Phoebe: What, he's not still following her. Do you think he Did I get it?
Rachel: Are you serious? is still following her? Rachel: Yeah.
89 of 398 Pages
Season 3
Ross: (entering) Hello. stop.' car phone before.
Rachel: Hello. Chandler: Is anybody else scared? Joey: You were amazing, could you just do me this
Ross: (sees Joey) Hey. (walks into the living room) Phoebe: (on phone) 'Right, well look, um, if Joey loses this huge favor, you see there's this one other audition that
Uh, Chan, can I uh, can I talk to you for a second? audition, that is it for Estelle. I don't care! Annie you are a I really, really want, and Estelle couldn't get me in.
Chandler: Sure. What's up? doll, what time can you see him?' (to Monica) I need a pen. Phoebe: Oh, I don't know. I mean it was fun one time.
Ross: Just one uh, one additional relationship (Chandler hands her one, but she needs something to right Joey: Come on, please, it'll be just this one more, well
thought. Probably something your already familiar on, so she tilts Chandler's head over and writes on the back actually it's two.
with, uh, women talk! (smacks Chandler over the of his neck) Phoebe: Two?
head with a magazine) Chandler: Get the woman a pad! Get the woman a pad! A Joey: Yeah! Well, well really it's three. Please. You're
End pad! A pad! so good at it. I love you.
Monica: Oh, now you want a pad. Phoebe: Okay, I'll do it, but just these three, right
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are dropping Joey: Nooo, four.
304 The One With The Metaphorical Tunnel off Ben] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Janice are
Carol and Susan: (entering) Hey!! having dinner]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's: everyone is there Ross: There's my boy! Here's my boy! And here's his Barbi Janice: So, how come you wanted to eat in tonight?
and they are watching an info-mercial that stars (Ben is holding a Barbi doll) What's ah, what's my boy Chandler: 'Cause, I wanted to uh, give you this.
Joey.] doing with a Barbi? (hands her a present)
Host: Welcome everybody, welcome to Amazing Carol: He picked it out of the toy store himself, he loves it. Janice: Ohhh, are you a puppy! (opens it) Contact
Discoveries! Susan: He carries it everywhere, it's like a security blanket, paper! I never really know what to say when someone
Phoebe: Oh, oh! It's on again! but with ski boots and a kicky beret. you're sleeping with gives you contact paper.
Joey: You guys, can we please not watch this all Ross: Yeah, it's, it's, it's cute. Why, why, why does he have Chandler: Well, wait there's, there's more. See the
right. it, again? contact paper is to go into your brand new drawer.
All: Shhhh! Susan: So he's got a doll? So what? Unless you're afraid (gives her a drawer) See, the drawer actually goes in
Host: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You he's gonna grow up and be in show business. my dresser.
go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, Carol: This doesn't have anything to do with the fact that Janice: Oh, you didn't have to do this.
(Joey is in the background struggling to open a he is being raised by two women, does it? Chandler: Yes, I did. Yes, I did. Because, you're my
cartoon of milk) and these darn cartons are so Ross: You know what it's fine. If you're okay with the Barbi girlfriend, and that's what girlfriends should, should
flingin'-flangin' hard to open. thing, so am I. get.
Joey: (on tv) Oh, you said it Mike. (rips open the (cut to later in the day) Janice: Well, I gotta buy a vowel. Because, oh my
carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's Ross: Give daddy the Barbi! Ben, give, give me the Barbi. Gawd! Who, would've thought that someday, Chandler
got to be a better way! Okay, how 'bout, don't you want to play with the monster Bing would buy me a drawer.
Mike: And there is Kevin. truck? (makes a monster truck sound) No. Okay, oh, oh, Chandler: Well, not me. But that's what's happened,
Joey: Can we please turn this off? how about a Dino-soilder? (squawks like a dinosaur) and, ah, and, and there's more. We should take a trip.
Rachel: Noo way, Kevin. Rachel: Ross, you are so pathetic. Why can't your son just Janice: We should?
Mike: There is a revolutionary new product that play with his doll? (uses the Milk Master 2000 to pour milk Chandler: Yep, we're a couple and that's what
guarantees that you'll never have to open up milk into her cereal) couples do. And, I wanna meet your parents. We
cartons again. Meet the Milk Master 2000. Monica: (entering from her bedroom) I gotta go to work. should take a trip with your parents!
Ross: (to Chandler) Are you intrigued? Has anybody seen my left boob? Janice: (laughs) I don't think we need to, because
Chandler: You're flingin'-flangin' right I am! Joey: I love that movie. (Joey is using it as a pillow) you're tripping me out right now! Are you okay?
Mike: Keep in mind, he's never used this product Monica: There it is. Joey, what are you doing? Chandler: I am, I actually am. I mean this is amazing.
before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. (to Joey: I'm sorry, it just felt nice. My entire life I have feared this place, and now that I'm
Kevin) Go ahead. ('Kevin' starts using the product, Chandler: (entering with his ringing phone) Joe. Joe! here it's like what was the big deal. I could probably
it is a spout that you jab into a paper milk carton Answer the phone. say 'Let's move in together.' and I'd be okay.
so that you don't have to rip it open.) This works Joey: Hey, I only got one good arm, you know. You should Janice: You probably want us to move in together?
with any milk carton. be doing stuff for me. Go get me a sweater. Chandler: It doesn't scare me!
Joey: (on TV, finishing installing the Milk Master Chandler: Just do it! Okay, it's Janice and if I get it I'm Janice: Yeah, well, it scares me! I mean I not even
2000) Wow, it is easy. (starts to poor the milk) Now, going to have to see her tonight. (phone stops ringing) Oh, divorced yet, Chandler. You know, you just invited me
I can have milk everyday. that's great I'm gonna have to see her tonight. over here for pasta, and all of the sudden you're talking
(They all start laughing at him) Rachel: What's the big deal? Why don't you wanna see about moving in together. And, and I wasn't even that
Opening Credits Janice? hungry. You know what, it's getting a little late, and I-I
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, Janice are Chandler: Okay, last night at dinner, when the meals came, should just, um... (starts to leave)
sitting on the couch, and Phoebe is sitting next to she put half her chicken piccata on my plate and took my Chandler: Oh, no, no, no, don't go! I've scared ya'!
them in the chair.] tomatoes. I've said too much! I'm hopeless, and awkward, and
Chandler: Well, it's official there are no good Ross: And that's bad because..., you hate chicken piccata? desperate for love!! (Janice leaves, Chandler then calls
movies. Chandler: Noo. Janice to leave a message on her machine) Hey, Janice!
Janice: Well, let's go to a bad one and make out. Ross: You didn't want to share your tomatoes, tomatoes It's me. Um, yeah, I-I-I just wanna apologize in
(they start to kiss and lean back into Monica.) are very important to you. advance for having chased you down the street. (runs
Monica: Perhaps, you would like me to turn like Chandler: No, it's like all of the sudden, we were this out the door)
this, (turns sideways on the couch) so that you can couple. And this alarm started going off in my head: 'Run Commercial Break
bunny bump against my back. for your life! Get out of the building!' [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are
Joey: (entering) Hey! Rachel: Men are unbelievable. comforting Chandler]
Phoebe: Hey. Monica: What is it with you people! I mean, the minute Rachel: Honey, this will help. (hands him a tub of ice
Chandler: Hey, man. What's up? you start to feel something, you have to run away? cream)
Joey: Maybe you can tell me. My agent would like Chandler: I know, that, (looks at her fake chest, and loses Chandler: So, I finally catch up to her and she says
to know why I didn't show up at the audition I his train of thought, temporarily) that's why I don't want to this relationship is going to fast and we have to slow
didn't know I had today. The first good thing she go tonight, I'm afraid I'm going to say something stupid. down.
gets me in weeks. How could you not give me the Monica: Oh, you mean like that guy thing where you act Rachel and Monica: Uff.
message?! mean and distant until you get us to break up with you. Monica: That is never good.
Chandler: Well, I'll tell ya I do enjoy guilt, but, ah, Joey: Hey, you know about that?! Chandler: Then I got all needy and clingy.
it wasn't me. Chandler: Look what do I do? I wanna get past this, I Rachel: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a
Phoebe: Yes, it was! It was him! Uh huh! (they all don't wanna be afraid of the commitment thing. I wanna go minute. Maybe it's not so bad. How did you leave it?
stare at her) Okay, it was me! through the tunnel, to the other side! Chandler: She said she'd call me.
Joey: How is it you? (Joey looks quizzically at Ross) Rachel and Monica: Ohh! (both grab there stomachs
Phoebe: Well, it was just, it was all so crazy, you Ross: (to Joey) Where there is no fear of commitment. in pain)
know. I mean, Chandler was in the closet, Chandler: Do we have any... (turns around and bumps Chandler: Oh God.
counting to 10, and he was up to 7 and I hadn't Monica's fake chest) Do we have any thoughts here? Monica: Welcome to our side of the tunnel.
found a place to hide yet. I-I-I meant to tell you, Joey: Well, I've never been through the tunnel myself, Chandler: This ice cream tastes like crap by the way.
and I wrote it all down on my hand. See, all of it. 'cause as I understand it, you're not allowed to go through Rachel: Yeah, well that's that lo-cal, non dairy, soy
(shows him her hand) with more than one girl in the car, right. But, it seems to me milk junk. We sort of, we save the real stuff for those
Joey: Yep, that's my audition. it's pretty much like anything else, you know, face your fear. really terminal cases.
Monica: See, now this is why I keep notepads It have a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building! Monica: You know, when you start get screwed over
everywhere. If you're afraid of bugs.....get a bug. Right. In this case, all the time, you gotta switch to low-fat.
Phoebe: Yep, and that's why we don't invite you you have a fear of commitment, so I say you go in there Rachel: Yeah, you do.
to play. and be the most committed guy there ever was. Chandler: So, you don't think I'm terminal?
Janice: What is the great tragedy here? You go Rachel: Amazingly, that makes sense. Monica: Well, no, not at all, you're not terminal, you
get yourself another appointment. Chandler: You think? just, you just need some damage control.
Joey: Well, Estelle tried, you know. The casting Joey: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare Chandler: Okay, okay. So, should I call her?
director told her that I missed my chance. down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind! Rachel and Monica: Nooo!
Phoebe: That is unfair. I'll call her and tell her it Chandler: Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the Rachel: This is a very critical time right now. If you
was totally my fault. barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way. feel yourself reaching for that phone, then you go shoe
Joey: Pheebs, you can't do that. The casting [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe's beeper is going off] shopping, you get your butt in a bubble bath. You want
director doesn't talk to friends, she only talks to Phoebe: Oh, it's your audition from this morning. Can I her back you have to start acting aloof.
agents. use the phone again? Monica: She has to know that your not ready.
Phoebe: What a sad little life she must lead. Okay, Rachel: Sure Pheebs, you know, that's what it's there for, Rachel: Right. So, what you have to do is, you have to
ooh (starts dialing) . emergencies and pretend agents. accidentally run into her on purpose. And then act
Joey: What, what are you doing? What are you Joey: Come on baby, come on! aloof.
doing? Phoebe: (on phone, in 'Katelynn's' voice) 'Hi, I have Chandler: So I'm not, not gonna lose her?
Phoebe: No, no, no, I know, I know, ooh. (on the Phoebe Buffay returning a page. Okay, well, um, she's in Rachel: Oooh, honey, you're not a total loser.
phone in a different voice) 'Hi, this is Katelynn, her car I'll have to patch you through.' Chandler: I said, 'So I'm not gonna lose her?'
from Phoebe Buffay's office. Um, is um, Ann there Rachel: Very nice touch. Rachel: Oh.
for Phoebe, she'll know what it's about.' Phoebe: (in voice, on phone) 'Okay, go ahead.' (in normal [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is still trying to get
Joey: Hang up, hang up. (reaches with his good voice on phone) Um, hi Annie. (listens) Fantastic! (to Joey) Ben to play with something other than the Barbi doll.]
arm, but Phoebe grabs it and he tries to reach the You got it. (on phone) Oh, okay, um, 'Will he work for Ross: Guess who's here. It's the toughest guy in toy
phone with his other arm but can't because of the scale?' you ask me. Well, I don't know about that, (Joey land, Ben. (singing) 'A real American hero. I'm G.I.
sling.) clears his throat to signify yes) except that I do and he will. Joe!' Drop the Barbi, drop the Barbi.
Phoebe: (on phone) 'Annie! Hi. Listen we got a Great, oh you are such a sweetheart. I would love to have Rachel:G.I. Joe? Do you really think he's gonna fall for
problem with Joey Tribbiani, apparently he missed lunch with you, how about we have lunch next.... (hangs that?
his audition. Who did you speak to in my office? up phone) Op, went through a tunnel. Joey: (entering) G. I. Joe! Cool! Can I play?
Estelle, no, I don't know what I'm going to do with Rachel: Unbelievable. Ross: Look Ben, it's a toy that protects U.S. oil
her. No. All right, so your husband leaves and Joey: Thank you so much. interests overseas!
burns down the apartment, the world does not Phoebe: It was really fun, I mean I've never talked on a Joey and Ross: Go Joe!!!
90 of 398 Pages
Season 3
Phoebe: (entering) Helloo! Oh! (sees Joey and Chandler: ....And then I just, you know, threw the bag of y'know, 'Frank's always late.'
starts to leave) barley at her, and ran out of the store. Rachel: Well relax, he'll be here.
Joey: Pheebs! There you are! Monica: My God! Chandler, we said be 'aloof' not 'a doof'. Phoebe: No, I know, I'm just nervous. Y'know it's just
Phoebe: No it's not, sorry. Chandler: I've actually ruined this haven't I? It's time for y'know Mom's dead, don't talk to my sister, Grandma's
Joey: But Phoebe, wait! Wait! Phoebe. Phoebe! the good ice cream now, right? been sleeping a lot lately. It's like the last desperate
(catches her in the hallway) Rachel: Yeah, it is. chance to have a family, y'know, kinda thing. You're so
Phoebe: Oh, Joey! Oh, okay, see I didn't Monica: You know what, everything's gonna be okay. sweet to wait with me.
recognize you wearing, in those....pants. (phone rings) Rachel: Well, actually Gunther sent me. You're not
Joey: Look listen, that TV movie I went in for? Did Chandler: (answering phone) Hello. Hi, Janice! Can you allowed to have cups out here, it's a thing. (takes her
you hear anything? I think I got a shot at it. hold on for a second? Okay. (to Monica and Rachel) Okay, cup and goes back inside)
Phoebe: Yes! They called and you didn't get it! what do I do? [Scene: inside Central Perk]
Okay, I mean you didn't get it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Rachel: Shhh...I don't know what to do, this is totally Chandler: Does anyone else think David Copperfield
Joey: It's okay, these things happen. unprecedented. is cute?
Phoebe: But they shouldn't happen, you know Monica: If-if-if we ever did what you did a man would Monica: No, but he told me, he thinks your a fox.
what, you're, you're in a terrible, terrible business. never call. Chandler: All right, Janice, likes him. In fact she likes
Oh God, I don't wanna be the person who makes Rachel: Yeah. him so much she put him on her freebie list.
your face look like that. Chandler: Hello! Joey: Her what?
Joey: I'm, I'm okay. See. (tries to smile, but fails Monica: Oh wait, you know what, I got it, I got it, pretend Chandler: Well, we have a deal, where we each get to
horribly) like you just woke up, okay, that will throw her off. Be pick five celebrities that we can sleep with, and the
Phoebe: Oh, now you're sad and creepy, oh. You sleepy. other one can't get mad.
know what, I, I'm sorry I quit, okay, I just quit. Rachel: Yes, and grumpy. Ross: Ah, the heart of every healthy relationship.
Joey: No! No, no you can't quit! You're the best Chandler: What are you, stop naming dwarves! (on phone) Honesty, respect, and sex with celebrities.
agent I ever had! Look Pheebs, rejection is part Hello, Janice. Hi, I'm so glad that you called, I know I've Monica: So, Chandler, who's on your list?
being an actor, you can't take it personally. been acting a really weird lately. And, it's just because I'm Chandler: Ah, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle
Phoebe: Not personal, really, well they said that crazy about you, and I just got...stupid, and, and scared, Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and ah, Jessica Rabbit.
they never met an Italian actor with a worse and....stupid a couple of more times. I'm sorry. (listens) Rachel: Now, you do realize that she's a cartoon, and
Italian accent. Really?! (listens) Really?! way out of your league?
Joey: They actually said that? Rachel: He's soo lucky, if Janice were a guy, she'd be Chandler: I know, I know, I just always wondered if I
Phoebe: Yeah. Ooh God, there's that face again! sleeping with somebody else by now. could get her eyes to pop out of her head.
See I can't do this job! I... Chandler: (on phone) I love you too. Joey: Hey, Monica, who would yours be?
Joey: No, no, no, see that's why you have to do Monica: Aw, it's soo unfair. (they both start digging into Monica: First, I need a boyfriend, then I can have a
this job, agents always lie. You know, Estelle just the 'good' ice cream) list.
says stuff like 'They went another way', but this, I [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are picking Joey: It's just a game Mon. (makes a
can use this. (in a very bad Italian accent) I canna up Ben, while Monica is pouring chocolate syrup, lots of it, 'Can-you-believe-her' face to the rest of the gang.)
work on a new accent. into her ice cream.] Rach, how about you?
Phoebe: Yeah okay, no if it helps you okay. Yeah. Carol:G. I. Joe. G. I. Joe?! Rachel: Oh, I don't know, I guess, Chris O'Donnel,
Ross: (running into the hall, in slow motion) You'll Ross: Hey, I don't know what to tell you guys that's the John F. Kennedy, Jr., Daniel Day Lewis, Sting, and
never get me, Joe!!! (he then pretends that he doll he chose. Parker Stevenson.
gets shot repeatedly and falls back against Joey Susan: What'd you do, dip it in sugar? Ross: Spiderman?
and Chandler's door, dead.) Ross: Look, G. I. Joe's in, Barbi's out. And if you guys can't Rachel: Hardy Boy.
[Scene: A grocery store that Janice shops in. deal with it, that's your 'too bad.' Chandler: Peter Parker.
Chandler is on purpose, accidentally bumping into Monica: What are you being such a weenie for? So he has Ross: Thank you.
her.] a Barbi, big deal. You used to dress up like a woman. Rachel: What about you honey, who would be on your
Janice: (to butcher) No, thank you. (Chandler Ross: What? list?
makes a sound and she notices him) Chandler! Monica: Well, you used to dress up in Mom's clothes all Ross: Well I-I-I, that kind of thing requires some
Chandler: (in a British accent) Hello, Janice. the time. serious thought. First, I'll divide my perspective
Janice: What are you doing here? Ross: What are you talking about? canidates into catergories....
Chandler: (in accent) Oh, just a bit of shopping. Monica: The big hat, the pearls, the little pick handbag. Chandler: (coughing) What a geek!
How've you been? Ross: Okay, you are totally making this up. Phoebe: (entering) Everbody this is Frank! This is my
Janice: Are you being British?! Monica: How can you not remember? You made us call half-brother Frank.
Chandler: (normal voice) No. Not anymore. you...Bea. All: Oh, hi.
Janice: Why are you shopping here? You don't Ross: (remembering) Oh God. Phoebe: This is everybody. This is Ross.
live in this neighborhood. Were you here waiting Susan: I've literally never been this happy. Frank: How are you?
for me? Monica: Wasn't there a little song? Ross: Hey.
Chandler: Yeah, huh. I'm just uh, you know I'm Carol: Oh please God, let there be a song. Phoebe: Chandler.
just picking up some things for a party. (grabs a Ross: There was no song. (to Monica) There was no song! Chandler: Hi.
bag off of the shelf) Monica: (singing) 'I am Bea.' Frank: Hi.
Janice: Barley? What kind of party serves barley? Ross: Okay. Phoebe: Joey.
Chandler: Well, I'm sorry if my friends aren't as Monica: 'I drink tea.' Joey: Hey-hey!
sophisticated as yours. Ross: Okay, that's, that's enough. (retreats to the Frank: Hey.
Janice: Where is this party? bathroom) Phoebe: This is Monica.
Chandler: Here in Chelsea. Monica: '....Won't you, won't you, won't you.... ' Frank: Whoa!
Janice: Who's party is it? Ross: (coming out of the bathroom) Won't you dance Phoebe: And this is Rachel.
Chandler: A woman's around with me. Rachel: Hi!
Janice: What woman?! Monica: A-ha!!! (they all start laughing, as Ross hides in Frank: Whoa!!
Chandler: (shyly) Chelsea. the bathroom) Phoebe: I'm gonna get coffee.
Janice: Okay, you know, one of two things is Closing Credits Frank: Hey, how do you guys get anything done?
happening here. Either you're seeing somebody [Scene: It's an old home movie of the Geller's backyard, Chandler: We don't, really.
behind my back, which would make you the young Ross is dressed up as Bea, and pouring Rachel: Well, so, now, do you guys have a lot of big
biggest jerk on the planet. Or, else you're himself/herself some tea.] plans?
pretending that you're seeing somebody, which Young Ross: (singing) 'I am Bea. I drink tea. Won't you Phoebe: Oh yeah! Yeah, no, we're gonna connect,
just makes you so pathetic that I could start crying dance around with....' (spills some tea and it drips onto y'know bond, and everything.
right here in the cereal aisle. So like which of these his/her dress) Ohhh! (runs away crying) Frank: Yeah, I was thinking that maybe we could go
two guys do you want to be? (another guy walks YoungMonica: (entering the shot) Ross!!! (starts to wipe down to Time Square and pick up some ninja stars.
by) up the spill) And, oh, um, my friend Larry, he wants me to take a
Chandler: Can I be that guy? End picture of a hooker.
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Phoebe are there] Chandler: You know, we don't really take advantage
Phoebe: Okay, so we got some more good of living in the city.
rejections, lots of stuff to work on. 305 The One With Frank Jr. Joey: I know.
Joey: Okay, shoot. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is drilling a hole in
Phoebe: Okay, um, oh, the zoo commercial. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, there is lumber all over the the wall and the drill comes out the other side really
Joey: I didn't get it? apartment] close to Chandler's head. Chandler then rushes out to
Phoebe: No. They said you 'Weren't believable as Chandler: (entering) Hey! talk to Joey.]
a human being.' So, you can work on that. Joey: Hey! Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get 'ya?
Joey: Okay, what else? Chandler: Hey-hey-hey. So what happened? A forest tick Chandler: No, you didn't get me!! It's an electric drill,
Phoebe: Um, the off-Broadway play people said you off? you get me, you kill me!!
'You were pretty but dumb.' Joey: No. Y'know how we're always saying we need a Joey: Calm down, do you want this unit or not?
Joey: Oh. place for the mail. Chandler: I do NOT want this unit!!
Phoebe: Oh no wait, I'm sorry, that's 'pretty Chandler: Yeah! Joey: Well, you should've told me that before, I'm not
dumb.' Joey: Well, I started building one. But then I decided to a mind reader. Hey, we're out of beer. I'm going to
Joey: Look, it's okay, no, no, no, really, look um, I take it to the next step. Monica's.
really appreciate this Pheebs, but I think I'm gonna Chandler: You're building a post office? Chandler: Fine! (goes into his room and slams the
have to go back to Estelle. Joey: No, an entertainment unit, with a mail cubby built door, then he slams the bottom half of the door.)
Phoebe: Oh. right in. It's a one day job, max. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering]
Joey: Yeah, well don't get me wrong, you're a Chandler: Okay. (notices that Joey is wearing some really Monica: Hey! Where 'ya headin' in those pants? 1982?
better agent than she is, but at least with her I tight jeans) My word! Those are snug. Joey: Oh Monica, listen, I ah, I saw down at the
don't want to blow my pretty dumb brains out. Joey: Oh yeah. These are my old work pants, Sergio hardware store, they got those designer tiles on sale. If
Phoebe: Yeah, no, I understand. Valente's. you ever want to redo the bathroom floor.
Joey: You do, thanks. (Chandler goes to his bedroom and opens the door. Monica: Why, what's wrong with my bathroom floor?
Phoebe: Yeah. Sorry. (she starts to leave) However, only the top half opens, and he trips into his Joey: Nothing. It's just old and dingy, that's all.
Joey: Wait a minute. bedroom over the bottom half.) Monica: I highly doubt that. (they both go to the
Phoebe: What? Joey: Power saw kinda got away from me there. bathroom)
Joey: Wait a minute, did you just make up all that Opening Credits Joey: Oh yeah. If you ah, move your hamper, you see
stuff just to get out of being my agent. [Scene: Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is pacing back and what color the tile used to be. (Monica gasps) Yeah.
Phoebe: (in a coy tone) Oh, you caught me. I am forth waiting for someone.] Monica: I can't live like this! What are we gonna do?
so busted. Rachel: (joining Phoebe outside) Hey Pheebs. What are we gonna do?
Joey: (in a really, really bad Italian accent) Phoebe: Hey! Joey: Relax. Here hold this (hands her his beer) . This
That's-ah what I suspected-ah. Rachel: Any sign of your brother? old stuff just comes right off. (he bends down to try
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is laying on Phoebe: No, but he's always late. and lift some tile right in the middle of the floor, in his
the counter and Rachel and Monica are comforting Rachel: I thought you only met him once? tight pants.)
him again.] Phoebe: Yeah, I did. I think it sounds y'know big sistery, Monica: That's a little more than I wanted to see.
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Joey: (manages to pry off only a small piece) Aw! paint lid stuck to the back of his pants.) Y'know what it's my Phoebe: Uh-huh.
Look at that, every inch of this stuff is glued down. fault really, because the couch is usually where we keep Frank: Oh come on we went, we went to Time Square,
It'd take forever to pry this up. You should ah, you the varnish. we found ninja stars, I almost got arm broken by a
should just leave it. (starts to walk away, but Joey: (yelling from bathroom) Hey, does somebody wanna hooker...
Monica grabs him) hand me one of those tiles. Phoebe: She wasn't a hooker.
Monica: I can't leave it! You gouged a hole in my Chandler: What's going on? Frank: Well, when I tell my friends about her she will
dingy floor. Monica: He's retiling my floor. (they both run to the be.
(Joey places the toliet brush and holder over the bathroom) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, everyone is there,
hole, which is in the middle of the floor.) Chandler: Yo!! Spackel boy! Get up! helping to lift the entertainment center into place]
Joey: Eh! There you go. Monica: Ah-ah-ah, now you started this, you will finish it. Chandler: Okay, on three. One....Two....
Monica: You know that's nice, y'know we could Chandler: He started mine first! Joey: Why don't we just go on two.
put it back there after the surgeons remove it from Phoebe: Build the unit Cinderelly, lay the tile Cinderelly. Chandler: Why two?
your colon! [Scene: Phoebe's, Phoebe and Frank are watching TV.] Joey: Because it's faster.
[Scene: Phoebe's, Frank and her, are sitting on the Frank: Whoa! Big octopus. Chandler: Yeah, I coulda counted to three like four
counh, watching TV] Phoebe: Yeah. (phone rings and Phoebe answers it) 'Hello. times without all this 'two' talk.
Phoebe: (sits up) Oh, ew! (listens) Oh my God, I totally forgot! (listens) Well can't Rachel: Oh!
Frank: What? someone else do it. (listens) But, I have company. (listens) Joey: All right, but in the future...
Phoebe: Yeah I know what I wanted to ask you. Yeah, no look, that's all right I'll come in.' (hangs up phone) Ross: Okay!! Okay!!
Um, can you roll your tongue? Because I can, and Um, Frank, I'm really sorry but I have to go to work. It's-it's Rachel: Come on!
my Mom couldn't, and I thought y'know, I figured one of my regulars and he's insisting that I do 'um. Ross: Heavy thing, not getting lighter!
that was something I got from our Dad. Frank: Hey, what kind of work do you do? Chandler: Okay, one...two...
Frank: What, wait, you mean like this? (does it) Phoebe: Oh! I'm a masseuse. I give people massages and Joey: So we are going on two?
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. You can do it to. (tries to do stuff. All: All right!! (they lift it into place, however there is
it, but can't) Frank: You-you work at one of those massage parlors? one small problem, the unit is so long that it blocks
Frank: Your not doing it. Phoebe: Well, y'know we don't call it that, but yeah! some of both of their bedroom doors.)
Phoebe: Oh right, yeah okay, my Mom could, and Frank: (starts laughing) Wow! That's wild! No, I had no Chandler: Oh, good job Joe.
I can't. We don't have that.... idea. Joey: Wow, it's big!
Frank: When's your birthday? Phoebe: All righty. I'll be back in-in a little bit. Unless you Chandler: Yeah-yeah, so big that it actually makes
Phoebe: Feburary 16th. wanna come with me? our doors look smaller!
Frank: I know a guy who's the 18th. Frank: You mean like watch? Joey: Maybe, my ruler's wrong.
Phoebe: Wow, that's close. When's yours? Phoebe: No, no, you can get one yourself. It'll be on the Phoebe: Maybe all the rulers are wrong.
Frank: October 25th. house! Y'know what are big sisters for? Joey: Look it's not that bad. So what, it blocks a little
Phoebe: That's the same month as Halloween. So, Frank: Well, I don't think this, y'know. of your door, a little of my door.
um, what kinda things do you like to do at home? Phoebe: No, no, no, I wouldn't do you myself, I mean that Chandler: Yeah, y'know what I got a better idea.
Frank: Melt stuff. would be weird. Yeah, no, I'll get one of the other girls to How-how 'bout it blocks none of mine door and a lot of
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is working on his list] do it. Oh, this will be so much fun! Hey! Are you excited? yours? (throws his shoulder into the center to try and
Ross: Okay, I've got three of my five. Frank: Yeah! Hey, do Monica and Rachel work there? move it, but it doesn't move.)
Rachel: Three of your five, what? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's bathroom, Joey and Monica Joey: Yeah, listen, before I forget that side is still wet.
Ross: Celebrities I'm allowed to sleep with. are admiring the new floor.] [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving some guy
Rachel: Oh my God! You are giving this a lot of Monica: It's beautiful! It's like the first bathroom floor coffee.]
thought. there ever was. (Chandler tries to go to the bathroom) Rachel: Okay sir, um-mm, let see if I got this right. Ah,
Ross: Yeah, it's hard okay, I only have two spots Whoa! Are you going in there for? so this is a half-caf, double tall, easy hazel nut, non-fat,
left. Chandler: What, like a number? no foam, with whip, extra hot latte, right? (the guy
Chandler: All right, so who do you got it Ross: (entering) Hey! nods) Okay, great. (she starts to walk away and under
narrowed down to? Chandler: Hi! Bye! (runs to the bathroom) her breath) You freak.
Ross: Okay, Elizabeth Hurely.... Ross: Okay, I'm done with my choices, these are final. (Isabella Rosselini enters)
Chandler: Oooh-hoo, very attractive, forgiving. (holds up a little card) Ross: (to Gunther) Thank you.
Ross: Susan Sarandon. Rachel: Well, it's about time. Isabella: (to Gunther) Um, coffee to go, please.
Chandler: Eh, y'know what, she's to political, she Joey: Ooh, very official. (Ross recognises her and goes over to the couch,
probably wouldn't let you do it, unless you donated Ross: Oh, yeah, well y'know Chandler printed it up on his mouthing 'Oh my God'
four cans of food first. computer. Ross: Isabella Rosselini. (points to her)
Ross: And!! Isabella Rosselini. Monica: And who laminated it? Monica: Are you serious? (they all look) Oh my God.
Chandler: Ooh-hoo. Very hot, very sexy. But ah, Ross: That would be me. Ross: Damn! I can't believe I took her off my list.
y'know she's too international, y'know she's never Rachel: All right let me see. (grabs the card) Uma Monica: Why? 'Cause otherwise you'd go for it?
gonna be around. Thurman, Winona Ryder, Elizabeth Hurely, Michelle Pfieffer, Ross: Yeah, maybe.
Rachel: So? and Dorothy Hammel? Rachel: Oh-oh, you lie.
Chandler: So, you gotta play the odds, pick Ross: Hey, it's my list. Ross: What you don't think I'd go up to her?
somebody who's gonna be in the country like all Rachel: Okay honey, you do realize she only spins like that Rachel: Ross, it took you ten years to finally admit
the time. on ice. you liked me.
Rachel: Yeah, 'cause that's why you won't get [Scene: Healing Hands Inc. (Phoebe's work) , Frank is Ross: Yeah, well missy, you better be glad that list is
Isabella Rosselini, geography. being ushered in, by the arm, to the room Phoebe is in by laminated.
[Scene: Phoebe's, Frank is melting a plastic another girl.] Rachel: You know what honey, you go ahead, we'll
spoon.] Frank: Ow!-Ow!-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Y'know, call her an alternate.
Phoebe: Okay so, by melting, you meant melting. ow! Ross: Okay, hold my crawler.
Frank: Yeah. Phoebe: Hey!-Hey! What's going on? Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: So is it like art? Frank: She broke my arm. Monica: Rach, are you really gonna let him do this?
Frank: Yeah, you can melt art. Hey, can I use your Girl: He touched my fanny. Rachel: Honey, he's about to go hit on Isabella
phone? Frank: No, she touched mine first! Rosselini. I'm just sorry we don't got popcorn.
Phoebe: Um, yeah sure. Why you wanna call your Girl: That's my job! Ross: (to Isabella) Hi! Hi, I'm Ross, you don't know me,
Mom? Frank: So wait, what's the deal here, I can have sex with but I'm a big, big fan of yours. I mean, Blue Velvet,
Frank: No, I wanna melt it. you, but I can't touch you? woo-oo hoo! Um, I was wondering if I could um,
Phoebe: Oh, well um, not right now. Y'know I'm Phoebe and Girl: Ewww!!! maybe buy you a cup of coffee? (Gunther hands her
just gonna go to bed, I think the fumes are giving Phoebe: You can't have sex with her! change) Or maybe reimburse you for that one?
me a headache. Girl: What'd you think I was, a hooker? Isabella: Aren't you with that girl over there? (points
Frank: (starts laughing) Yeah! Frank: No, your a masseuse, it's cool, I'm not a cop. at Rachel, who waves back)
Phoebe: G'night, bro. Phoebe: Okay, Jasmine, can you, can you ask Mr. Whiffler Ross: Well, yeah, kinda. Um, but that's okay, see we
Frank: G'night. if he can wait for like five minutes. have an understanding, um, see we each have this list
Phoebe: Here. (gives him a fire extinguisher) Jasmine: Fine. (starts to leave, and points at Frank) I of five famous people, (gets his out) so I'm allowed to
Y'know, just in case. don't like you!! (leaves) sleep with you. No, no, no, it's flattery.
Frank: Oh, excellent. (starts to melt the fire Phoebe: (turns around and hits Frank) So that's what you Isabella: I'm sorry. (starts to leave)
extinguisher's hose.) thought I did!! God! That's not what I do! Ross: Oh no, no, no, wait, wait, Isabella. Don't, don't
Commercial Break Frank: Wait that's-that's, what that's not what you do? just dismiss this so fast. I mean this is a once in a
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is eating Phoebe: Nooo! Why would you think that? lifetime opportunity...
breakfast with Monica while Frank is playing with Frank: I don't know, I mean, y'know, this is the city y'know, Isabella: Yeah, for you. Is that the list?
num-chucks on the balcony] I just, I mean, I don't know. Ross: Um, yeah.
Monica: What kind of karate is that? Phoebe: Whatever, it's the perfect end to the perfect Isabella: May I see it?
Phoebe: No kind. He just makes it up. weekend anyways. Ross: Um, no.
Monica: So how's it going with you guys? Frank: Oh, wait, no your right, no it was perfect and I can't Isabella: Come on! (grabs the list)
Phoebe: So far, it kinda blows. I don't know, I just believe that I screwed it up so bad. Ross: But, okay.
thought y'know that he'd feel more like a brother Phoebe: You really thought it was perfect? Isabella: (reading it) I'm not on the list!
y'know, like you and Ross, just like close and Frank: Well, no, maybe-maybe it wasn't perfect, but Ross: Um, see, but that's not the final draft.
connected and.... y'know it was pretty cool, y'know, 'cause we had all those Isabella: It's laminated!
Monica: Oh honey, we're close now but you-you great talks y'know. Ross: Yeah, um, okay see, you were, you were on the
wouldn't believe the years of-of nugies, and Phoebe: Yeah, um, which ones in particular were great for list but my friend, Chandler (Chandler waves) brought
wedgies, and flying wedgies, and atomic wedgies, you? up the very good point that you are international, so I
and.... (Phoebe shakes her head like she doesn't Frank: Well y'know about the tongue thing, y'know, and bumped you for Wynona Rider, local.
understand) That's where the waistband actually how I told you about my likes and my dislikes... Isabella: Y'know it's ironic...
goes over your head. Phoebe: I don't.... Ross: What?
Phoebe: Ah!! Frank: How-how I like to melt stuff, and how I dislike stuff Isabella: ...because I have a list of five goofy coffee
Monica: Oh, we used to drive each other crazy that doesn't melt. house guys and yesterday I bumped you for that guy
playing the shadow game. Phoebe: Right, okay, um-mm. over there. (points at a guy and leaves)
Phoebe: Oh, how do you play the shadow game? Frank: Yeah, y'know I feel like I can really talk to you Ross: (to the rest of the gang) We're just gonna be
Monica: Oh, how do you play the shadow game? 'cause y'know you're my sister, y'know. friends.
Phoebe: I just asked you. Phoebe: Yeah, I guess I do, yeah. Closing Credits
Monica: I just asked you. Frank: Then I go feel your friend up and make you mad at [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, they are admiring the
Phoebe: I don't have time for this. me. entertainment center]
Monica: No, that is what the game is. Phoebe: Well, I-I wasn't hopping mad, y'know. Joey: Y'know what?
Phoebe: Which you just gave up really quickly. Frank: You hopped a little bit. Yeah, I really sorry. Chandler: Umm?
Chandler: (entering) Have you seen Joey? Phoebe: Okay. All right, this is my favourite part of the Joey: I bet 'ya ya I could fit in there. (points to a hole
Monica: What's the matter? weekend, right now, this. in the center)
Chandler: Oh, just this! (turns around and has a Frank: This? Chandler: I've got five bucks says you can't.
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Joey: Get out your checkbook, mister. models here y'know......never. [Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Ross is on the phone, as
Chandler: Oh, I think I have the cash. Eric: Oh, yeah, during the summer, I spend most Phoebe is walking by carrying a lamp.]
(Joey successfully enters the entertainment center, weekends at my sister's beach house, which you are Ross: No real-, honey, really it's fine, just g-go with
and Chandler closes the door on Joey.) welcome to use by the way. Although, I should probably tell Susan. Really, I, no, I think girls night out is a great
Joey: You are dogged man! I totally fit! you, she's a porn star. (Chandler breaks his pencil in half) idea. Okay, okay, bye
Chandler: Yeah, you got me. (picks up a 2x4 and Chandler: Well, listen I ah, still have one more person to Phoebe: So what are they doing?
puts it through the handles so that the doors won't ah meet, but unless it turns out to be your sister, I think Ross: I don't know, something girlie.
open) I'm out five big ones! (puts the money in the you're chances are pretty good. (Eric offers to shake hands) Phoebe: (to Monica, who's entering) Hey, you're early.
crack between the door and frame) Here you go. All right. (Chandler hugs him.) Monica: What are you doing with the lamp?
Joey: Thank you. Cha-ching! (Chandler starts to [Scene: Chandler's, Chandler is interviewing Joey.] Phoebe: I'm just taking it to be re-wired.
leave) Oh, well hello Mr. Lincoln. Better luck next Chandler: (running around the apartment pointing out Monica: Oh, well don't take it to the same place you
time buddy. (Chandler leaves and closes the door) things) Bedroom. Bathroom. Living room. This right here is took the stereo, 'cause they've had that thing for over a
And the drinks are on me! the kitchen, and thanks for coming by, (opens door) week.
End Bye-bye. (There is a knock on the door, Phoebe answers it, its Mr.
Joey: Don't you ah, don't you wanna ask me any Heckles)
questions? Phoebe: No, no, Mr. Heckles no one is making any
306 The One With The Flashback Chandler: Sure. Ummm. What's up? noise up here.
Joey: Well, ah, I'm an actor. I'm fairly neat. I ah, I got my Mr. Heckles: You're disturbing my oboe practice.
[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there own TV. Oh, and don't worry I'm totally okay with the gay Phoebe: You don't play the oboe!
including Janice.] thing. Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe!
Janice: Janice has a question. Who of the six of Chandler: What gay thing? Phoebe: Then I'm gonna have to ask you to keep it
you has sleep with the six of you? Joey: Ah, y'know just in general people being gay, thing. down. (slams the door in his face.)
Phoebe: Wow, it's like a dirty math problem. I'm totally cool with that. (in the hallway, Eric is moving in)
Ross: I'm sorry the answer there would be...none [Scene: the hallway, Monica is coming up the stairs.] Mr. Heckles: (to Eric) Who are you?
of us. Chandler: Well okay Jerry, thanks for stopping by. Eric: Hi, I'm Eric, I'm gonna be Chandler's new
Janice: Come on over the years none of you ever (Joey is leaving and notices Monica, as Monica notices him) roommate.
y'know, got drunk and stupid. Monica: Hi. Mr. Heckles: I'm Chandler's new roommate.
Joey: Well, that's really a different question. Joey: Hey! Eric: I-I-I don't think so.
Janice: I'm sorry I find it hard to believe that a (Joey leaves and Monica mouths to Chandler 'Oh my God!') Mr. Heckles: I could be Chandler's new roommate.
group of people who spends as much time [Scene: A bar, Chandler is entering.] Eric: But, he told me over the phone.
together as you guys do has never bumped uglies. Chandler: Hey, Mon. Mr. Heckles: He told me in person.
Joey: Well, there was that one time that Monica Monica: Hey-hey-hey. You wanna hear something that Eric: That's weird.
and Rachel got together. sucks. Mr. Heckles: Well, I'm going to go into my new
Monica and Rachel: What?!! Chandler: Do I ever. apartment now. (goes over to the door and opens it)
Rachel: Excuse me, there was no time! Monica: Chris says they're closing down the bar. Ehh! (Eric leaves)
Joey: Okay, but let's say there was. How might Chandler: No way! (inside Chandler's apartment, Chandler is coming in
that go? Monica: Yeah, apparently they're turning it into some from his bedroom, sees Mr. Heckles, and screams.)
Janice: Okay, okay, well then answer me this. Has kinda coffee place. [Scene: the hallway, Joey is moving in, Monica is
any of you ever.... almost? Chandler: Just coffee! Where are we gonna hang out leaving.]
Rachel: Does anybody need more coffee? now? Monica: Hi, again.
Ross: Yeah, I'll take some. Monica: Got me. Joey: Hey! (goes into the apartment)
Joey: Hey, there's a dog out there! Chandler: (to bartender) Can I get a beer. Chandler: (leaving to go to work) Hey!
Opening Credits Monica: Hey, did you pick a roommate? Monica: Thank you soo, much.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, three years earlier, Chandler: You betcha! Chandler: Oh, don't thank me, thank the jerk that
Phoebe, Monica, and Ross are there] Monica: Is it the Italian guy? never showed up. Okay, I gotta get to get to work.
Phoebe: Oh, that is so unfortunate. Chandler: Um-mm, yeah right! (Joey comes back into the hallway and starts to pick up
Ross: What? Monica: He's so cute. a heavy box)
Phoebe: Cute naked guy is really starting to put Chandler: Oh yes, and that's what I want a roommate Monica: You want some help with that?
on weight. that I can walk around with and be referred to as the funny Joey: Oh, no thanks, I got it. (picks it up) No I don't!
Monica: (entering from bedroom) Okay, I'll be one. Monica: Whoa! Are you okay?
back in just a minute. Oh, Phoebe I'm sorry that I Monica: Oh look, the pool table's free. Rack 'em up. I'll be Joey: Whew! Stood up to fast, got a little head rush.
left lipstick marks on the phone. back in just a minute. Get ready for me to whip your butt. Monica: It's the heat. (has her hand on his chest, and
Phoebe: You didn't leave lipstick marks on the Chandler: Okay, but after that, we're shootin' some pool. then pulls it away) And-and the humidity.
phone. Rachel: (sitting at a table with some of her friends) (to Joey: That's a uh, that's a tough combination.
Monica: Oh, then it must've been you. Bye. waitress) Oh, um, no, no, no, no excuse me, hello. Hi. My Monica: Do you wanna come in for some lemonade?
(leaves) friend ordered an onion, not an olive, and uh I ordered a Joey: Like you wouldn't believe. (they go into the
Phoebe: (angrily) Bye-bye! (to Ross) That's why I rum and Diet Coke, which I don't think this is. apartment) Wow! This is a great place.
moved out. Waitress: I am so sorry. Monica: Thank you. Just make yourself comfortable.
Ross: Hey, y'know while we're on that, when are Rachel: That's all right. (to her friends) I mean hard is it to Joey: Gotcha.
you gonna tell my sister that you don't live here get a couple drinks right, huh? Monica: This place is really my Grandmother's. (Joey
anymore. Friend No. 1: Well, I would like to propose a toast to the starts to take off all of his clothes, while Monica gets
Phoebe: I think on some levels she already woman, who in one year from today, become Mrs. Dr. Barry the glasses and pours the lemonade.) I got it from her
knows. Farber DDS when she moved to Florida, otherwise I could never
Ross: Phoebe, she doesn't know that you sneak Rachel: Ummm, I think it's time to see the ring again. afford a place like this. So if the landlord ever asks, I'm
out every night, she doesn't know that you sneak (holds her hand out and they all scream) 87 year old woman, who's afraid of her VCR. So are
back every morning, and she doesn't know that Friend No. 2: Oh, isn't it exciting, I mean it's like having a you thirsty?
you've been living with your Grandmother's for a boyfriend for life. Joey: Oh, you bet I am!
week now. Rachel: Yeah, I know. Monica: (turning around) Okay, here's your penis!
Phoebe: Okay, well maybe not on those levels. Friend No. 1: What? Commercial Break
Chandler: (entering, with a goatee) Hey. Rachel: Oh, I don't know. Well maybe it's just the idea of [Scene: continued from earlier.]
Ross: Hey. Barry for the rest of my life. I don't know I think I feel like I Monica: Oh my God!!! What are you doing?!!
Chandler: I'm never gonna find a roommate, need to have one last fling, y'know, just to sorta get it out Joey: You said, you wanna come in for some
ever. of my system. (Chandler is listening in very intensely) lemonade?
Phoebe: Why, nobody good? Friend No. 1: Rachel stop! Monica: So?!
Chandler: Well let's see, there was the guy with Friend No. 2: You're so bad! Joey: Whoa, ah!! We're you just gonna give me some
the ferrets, that's plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and Rachel: I'm serious, I really, I think I need just to have lemonade?
yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he some...meaningless, sex y'know, with the next guy that I Monica: Yeah huh!! Cover yourself up!
felt the need to make a little noise every time he see. Joey: Oh right, right.
said it. Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing Bing! (Chandler throws the cue ball under there table.) Monica: I don't believe this! When someone asks you
Great apartment Chandler Bing, Bing! Chandler: Excuse, I seem to have dropped my ball. in for lemonade, and to you that means they wanna
Ross: So how many more do you have tomorrow? Rachel: Yeah, so? have sex?
Chandler: Two. This photographer, who seemed Chandler: (picks it up) And now I've picked it up again. Joey: Well usually...yeah! Well, not just lemonade,
really dull. And this actor guy, who I'm not sure (walks over to Monica.) iced tea, sometimes juice. Well, sorry, I just, I thought
about, because when he called and I answered the Monica: Oh my God, I went to high school with her. (to you liked me. I'm such a jerk.
phone 'Chandler Bing,' he said 'Whoa-whoa, short Rachel) Rachel! Hi! Monica: It's okay. I suppose it could happen to
message.' Rachel: Monica! Look! Hi! What do ya think? (shows her, anyone, not anyone I know, but... By the way I can still
Monica: (entering) Ross (who has his foot on the her ring) see it.
coffee table) , foot on the floor or come over no Monica: Oh my God, you can't even see where the Titanic [Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is vacuuming.]
more! hit it. Monica: Pheebs?
Ross: (to Phoebe) Sure, your dresser is missing Rachel: Yes, his name is Barry, he's a doctor, thank you Phoebe: Huh?
but this she notices. very much. Monica: Where's your bed?
Monica: What? Monica: Awww, just like you always wanted. Phoebe: It's not in the apartment? (Monica gives a
Ross: I have to go. Yeah, Carol should be home by Congratulations 'Come on' look) Oh no. I can't believe this is happening
now, soo... Rachel: Thank you. So how-how 'bout you, are-are you again.
Chandler: Umm, how's it going with you guys? seeing anybody? Monica: What?
Ross: Oh, better, actually. Y'know I-I-I think I Monica: Aww, not right now. Phoebe: Okay, enough with the third degree! I-I've, I
finally figured out why we were having so much Rachel: Oh, but that's okay. don't live here anymore.
trouble lately. Monica: I know. Monica: What are you talking about?
Phoebe: Oh, really? Rachel: Yeah. Phoebe: I'm sorry, I-I-I-I don't live here anymore. I-I
Ross: Yeah, y'know how I have you guys, well she (An awkward silence) didn't know how to tell you, but y'know everybody else
doesn't really have any close friends that are just Monica: So, I'll get-get back to my friend. knows!
hers, but last week she meet this woman at the Rachel: Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure. (points at Monica: Everybody knows!
gym, Susan something, and they really hit it off, Chandler, who holds up the cue ball as a 'Remember me?' Phoebe: That was supposed to be a good thing, I
and I-I-I think it's gonna make a difference thing) Listen, can we please have lunch the next time I'm in forget why. Just listen, Monica, I, do you know, okay,
[Scene: Chandler's, Chandler is interviewing a the city? do you know, I couldn't sleep for like a month because
potential roommate.] Monica: Oh, that'd be great. I got like a dot of ink on one of the sofa cushions.
Chandler: Soo, ah, Eric, what kind of Rachel: Okay! Monica: Well, you-you coulda just turned the cushion
photography do ya do? Monica: Thanks. over.
Eric: Oh, mostly fashion, so there may be models Rachel: Bye! Phoebe: Yeah, I would've except I had a big spaghetti
here from time to time, I hope that's cool. Monica: Bye! (to Chandler) Ten bucks says, I never see stain on the other side.
Chandler: Yes, that is cool. Because I have that woman again in my life. Monica: What?!?!
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Phoebe: Okay, this is what I'm talking about, this. them into the pockets.) one night for me, please. I just want him to love you
I-I need to live in a land where people can spill. Phoebe: Okay, it's okay. like I do. (Ross looks at her) All right, well not exactly
Monica: You can spill. In the sink. (Phoebe jumps on to the table and lays down, Ross follows like I do, but, but, if you do come to dinner, I'll love you
Phoebe: Aw, honey it's not your fault, y'know this her and hits his head on the light hanging over the pool like I do in that black thing that you like.
is who you are, and I love you, and I want us to be table.) Chandler: (leaning in) I'll go.
friends, and if I keep living here I don't see that Phoebe: Oh. (they start kissing again) Ross: Fine.
happening. Ross: Wait, wait, wait. Rachel: Thank you.
Monica: I love you, too. Phoebe: What? Ross: Hi Gunther.
Phoebe: Aww, good. (they hug) What? Ross: My foot is stuck in the pocket. Gunther: Yeah, we'll see!
Monica: What? I'm just said. Phoebe: What? Joey: (entering) Hey, you guys!
Phoebe: No you're not, you're wondering which Ross: No, I can't get it out. Phoebe: Hey!
cushion it is. Phoebe: Well, that's not something a girl wants to hear. Joey: Guess what?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, (now) Joey is Ross: No, come on don't start. (they start kissing again) Ross: What?
watching Baywatch, as Chandler enters from his Ouch! Joey: I got a gig!
bedroom.] Phoebe: What? All: Yay!!
Chandler: So ah, whatcha watching? Ross: Stupid balls are in the way. (holds up two balls) Chandler: See, that's why I could never be an actor.
Joey:Baywatch. (They both look at each other and start laughing (Lisa Because I can't say gig.
Chandler: What's it about? almost lost it there) , and sit up. Ross hits his head on the Phoebe: Yeah, I can't say croissant. (realises) Oh my
Joey: Lifeguards. lamp again.) God!
Chandler: Well, it sounds kinda stupid... (looks at Ross: Oh well. It probably would've been the most Monica: What's the part?
the TV) Who's she? constructive solution. Joey: Well, it's not a part, no. I'm teaching acting for
Joey: Nicole Eggert. You'll like her. Phoebe: You have chalk on your face. soap operas down at the Learning Extension.
(Baywatch goes into one of those running scenes.) Ross: Huh? (the rest of the gang enters) Ross: Come on! That's great.
Chandler: Wow! Look at them run. Phoebe: Oh, Ross you're right, I don't know why I always All: Wow!
Joey: They do that a lot. Hey, you want a beer? thought this was real grass. Joey: Yeah, yeah. It's like my chance to give
Chandler: Yeah, I'll go get one. Monica: Hey, are you okay? something back to the acting community.
Joey: No, no, no, don't get up, I got a cooler right Ross: My wife's a lesbian. Ross: Y'know your probably not allowed to sleep with
here. Joey: Cool!! any of your students.
[Scene: Monica's, Monica is coming out of the Chandler: Ross-Joey, Joey-Ross. (they shake hands) Joey: (glares at him) I know!
bathroom wearing nothing but a towel, as Ross: Hi. [Scene: Mattress King, Monica and Phoebe are
Chandler is entering.] Closing Credits shopping for a new mattress.]
Chandler: Well, hello! [Scene: the bar, Chandler is playing pool, as Rachel enters.] Phoebe: Ugh! I don't know Monica. It feels funny just
Monica: Hey. Chandler: I can't believe you came back. being here. I mean if you buy a bed from Janice's
Chandler: Do you have any beers? We're out of Rachel: Don't say anything. I don't wanna speak, I don't ex-husband, that's like betraying Chandler.
beers. wanna think. I just want you to take me and kiss me and Monica: Not at these prices.
Monica: (all depressed) Help yourself. make love to me right here, right now. Phoebe: (sees a little kid playing with a race car bed)
Chandler: You okay? (She hits the jukebox Fonzy style, and It's That Time of (to kid) Hi. Y'know in England this car would be on the
Monica: Phoebe moved out. Season starts to play, as they start to kiss.) other side of the store. (the kid just stares at her, and
Chandler: Right. Friend No. 2: Rachel! Rachel! (stirs Rachel from her she makes the 'that went right over your head' motion)
Monica: I don't understand, I mean am I so hard dream, she's in her car driving back from the city) Woo!
to live, is this why I don't have a boyfriend? Rachel: What? Monica: (lying down on a mattress) Oh! Ohhhhh! Oh!
Chandler: Noo!! You don't have a boyfriend Friend No. 2: You missed the exit! Phoebe, come here. Aw, this is my new bed. You gotta
because....I don't, I don't know why you don't Rachel: Oh, sorry. feel this bad boy.
have a boyfriend. You should have a boyfriend. Friend No. 1: My God, what were you thinking about? Phoebe: Eh, Monica it, it feels so weird, y'know,
Monica: Well, I think so. Rachel: Um, (shyly) Barry. Chandler's your friend... (hops onto the bed) Oh! Oh
Chandler: Oh-ho, come here. (goes and hugs her) Her Friends: Awwww!! my God! Aw, all right take this bed, you can make
Listen, you are one of my favourite people and the End other friends.
most beautiful woman I've ever known in real life. [Scene: Classroom. Joey is writing his name on the
[Scene: the bar, Ross is entering, Phoebe is at the board, but turns around before he's done which causes
bar, they are the only two in the place.] 307 The One With the Race Car Bed him to write his name with a downward curve, and he
Ross: (all depressed) Hi. Where is everybody? then underlines it, and draws the line right through his
Phoebe: Oh, it's already closed, Chris gave me name.]
the keys to lock up-what is wrong? [Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is Joey: Good evening. I'm Mr. Tribbiani. And I will be
Ross: My marriage, I think my marriage is um, is telling a story about what happened at work and the rest of teaching acting for soap operas. Now um, on my first
kinda over. the gang are thinking to themselves, denoted by italics.] day as (proudly) Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our
Phoebe: Oh no! Why? Ross: So I told Carl, 'Nobody, no matter how famous their Lives, (looks for a reaction from his students, and gets
Ross: 'Cause Carol's a lesbian. (Phoebe is shocked) parents are, nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur.' none.) I learned that one of the most important things
And, and I'm not one. And apparently it's not a mix But of course this went in one ear and out..... in soap opera acting is reacting, this does not mean
and match situation. Rachel:I love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint acting again, it means, you don't have a line, but
Phoebe: Oh my God! I don't believe it! Oh, you I can pretend he's Alan Alda. someone else just did. And it goes like this. (looks all
poor bunny. Monica:Oh good, another dinosaur story. When are those intense for a moment and then gasps, the students
Ross: (sets out a bunch of shot glasses and starts gonna become extinct? cheer him) Thanks, thanks, a lot. Oh, by the way,
to poor himself a drink, many drinks) I'm an idiot. I Chandler:If I was a superhero who could fly and be before I forget to work in soap operas some of you will
mean shoulda seen it, I mean Carol and I'd be out invisible, that would be the best. have to become much more attractive. All right,
and she'd, she'd see some beautiful woman, and, Gunther:What does Rachel see in this guy? I love Rachel. moving right along.
and she'd be Ross y'know look at her, and I'd think, I wish she was my wife. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering, Phoebe
God, my wife is cool! (Joey is singing in his head.) is already there waiting for the delievery guy.]
Phoebe: Aw! Hey, do you think that Susan person Phoebe:Who's singing? Joey: Hi!
is her lover? Opening Credits Phoebe: Hey! Ooh! How was teaching last night?
Ross: Well, now I do!! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there Joey: Oh it was great. Yeah, you get to say stuff like,
Phoebe: I'm sorry. including Janice, they're watching Happy Days.] 'Hey, the bell doesn't dismiss you, I dismiss you.'
Ross: Seven years. I mean we've been together Ross: Hey. When you guys were kids and you played Phoebe: Ooooh, nice.
seven years, she's the only woman who's ever Happy Days, who were you? I was always Richie. Joey: Oh, and guess what, I got an audition for All My
loved me, and the only woman I've-I've ever.... Monica: I was always Joanne. Children.
Phoebe: Aw, God Ross. Oh. (goes over and hugs Joey: Question. Was ah, 'Egg the Gellers!' the war cry of Phoebe: Oh, yay!
him) your neighbourhood? Joey: Yeah, it's this great part, this boxer named Nick.
[Scene: Monica's, Chandler and Monica are still (A commercial for the Mattress King, Janice's ex-husband, And I'm so, so right for it, y'know, he's just like me.
hugging each other.] comes on TV.) Except he's a boxer, and has an evil twin.
Chandler: Umm, this is nice. Phoebe: Ewww! Oh! It's the Mattress King! (There is a knock on the door.)
Monica: I know, it is isn't it? Joey: Booo!! Phoebe: Oh. (goes and answers the door and there is
Chandler: No, I mean it, this feels really good. Is Chandler: (to Janice) Don't look honey. Change the this huge black delievery guy.)
it a hundred percent cotton? channel! Change the channel! Guy: Dom da-da dom! Here ye! Here ye! Delivery from
Monica: Yeah! And I got it on sale, too. Janice: Wait! Wait! I wanna see this. After I divorce him, the Mattress King. (to Phoebe) You Miss Geller?
Chandler: Anyway, I should go, one of the half of that kingdom is gonna be mine. Phoebe: Okay.
lifeguards was just about to dismantle a nuclear Matress King: (on TV) 'Despair fills the mattress Guy: Sign here. (hands her a clipboard)
device. showroom. My kingdom is suddenly without a queen. I'm Phoebe: Oh, do I have a middle name. All right
Monica: Well, if you wanna get a drink later we so depressed I'm going to slash... my prices!! Check it out! Monica Velula Geller. It's that bedroom there. (points to
can. Four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set! I'm going Monica's room)
Chandler: Oh yeah, that sounds great. (starts to medieval on prices! Joey: Hey, Monica bought a bed from the Mattress
leave) Oh, and listen, it's, it's gonna be.... Chandler: What a wank! King?
Monica: I know. Thanks. (Chandler leaves) Janice: Oh, I cannot believe he's using our divorce to sell Phoebe: Yeah, so please, please, please, don't say
[Scene: the bar, Phoebe is still hugging Ross.] mattresses. anything to Chandler.
Ross: Maybe this would've happened if I'd been Monica: I know! And four ninety-nine for a pillow top Joey: You want me to lie to Chandler?
more nurturing, or I'd paid more attention, or I... queen set, who cares about the divorce, those babies will Phoebe: Is that a problem?
had a uterus. I can't believe this! sell themselves. (they all stare at her) And I'm appalled for Joey: No.
Phoebe: I know no, no, y'know you don't deserve you by the way. Phoebe: Oh, hey, hey Nick the boxer let's see what
this, you don't Ross. You're, you're really, you're so Matress King: (on TV) I'm close. I'm cheap. I'm the king. you got. All right ya, put 'em up. Come on. (they start
good. (kisses him on the cheek) [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the phone, everyone else shadow boxing)
Ross: Thanks. is there except Joey.] Joey: Hey, you're ah, pretty good at this.
Phoebe: And you're so sweet. (kisses him on the Rachel: 'Okay. (listens) Okay, daddy we'll see you Phoebe: Yeah, well I had to learn, I was staying at the
other cheek) And you're kind (kisses him on the tomorrow night. (listens) Okay bye-bye.' (hangs up) Y and some off the young men weren't acting Christian
lips) Ross: We? enough.
Ross: Thanks. (kisses her on the lips) Rachel: Are ah, having dinner with my Dad tomorrow Joey: Ahh!
(They pause, and they the start kissing night, I hope that's okay. (Joey throws a punch and just lightly taps her on the
passionately, and taking off each others clothes, Ross: Oh shoot, tomorrow's not so good, I'm supposed to shoulder, Phoebe counters with a jab to the nose.)
and they start to lie down on the pool table.) um, fall off the Empire State building and land on a bicycle Joey: Hey now!
Ross: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. with no seat. Sorry. (Phoebe throws another jab, and lands it on Joey's
Phoebe: Huh? Rachel: Ross, my father doesn't hate you. nose, causing it to bleed.)
(Ross tries to clear off the pool table by knocking Ross: Please, he refers to me as 'wethead'. Joey: Hey!!! Oww!! And I'm bleeding.
the balls to the other end of the table, but they all Rachel: But honey he calls everybody by a nickname! Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh!
bounce back, and he frantically starts to throw Okay, look, I know, all right, just one dinner, please, just Joey: Okay, great.
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Season 3
Phoebe: Wow! And I'm a vegetarian! All right, all just done something evil. That would be the basic 'I have a [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is greeting her
right, well I'm sorry, we'll put some ice on it. fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it' (Does it by raising one Father for their brunch.]
Joey: Okay. eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook.) Okay, let's Rachel: (opening the door) Hi Daddy.
Phoebe: 'Kay, put your head back. say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and Dr. Green: Baby. Ross.
Joey: All right. I can't see. divide 232 by 13. (looks all confused) And that's how it's Ross: Dr. Green. How are you? (offers his hand, and Dr.
Phoebe: All right, I have ya. Oh God. done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class Green puts his scarf on it.)
Guy: Which bedroom do ya want it in Miss Geller? dismissed. Dr. Green: Thanks for dinner last night.
Phoebe: Oh, it's the compulsively neat one by the Student: Hey, Mr. Trib. Ross: Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson.
window, okay. Joey: Hey-hey. Dr. Green: Nice hair. What'd ya do? Swim here?
Guy: Gotcha. (he and his helper walk in carrying Student: Guess what, I got an audition! Ross: (to Rachel) Okay, that's it, I can't take it
the racecar bed.) Joey: Awww, one of my students got an audition. I'm so anymore.
[Scene: Restaurant, Rachel and Ross and Dr. proud. Rachel: What? What? He's interested in you. He-he
Green are having dinner.] Student: I was wondering if you would consider coaching likes your hair, he just wants to know how you got
Rachel: Hi Daddy! me for it? here.
Dr. Green: This where they put it? What, there no Joey: You bet! What's the part? Ross: Oh, please. Sweetie it's hopeless, okay, I'm just
table available in the kitchen! Hello, baby. Student: Oh it's great, it's a role on All My Children, Nick gonna go. (starts to leave rubbing his neck)
Rachel: You remember Ross. the boxer. Rachel: What?!
Dr. Green: Um-hmm. (Joey does the '232 divided by 13 bad news' look.) Ross: Look, look I'm sorry. It's just that....
Ross: Nice to see you again Dr. Green. Commercial Break Dr. Green: Ross? What's with the neck?
Dr. Green: So! (they both try to sit next to Rachel [Scene: Hallway, Ross and Rachel are returning from Rachel: He's got this thing. And I keep telling him to
but Dr. Green is successful.) (to Ross) How's the dinner.] go to my chiropractor...
library? Rachel: You had to do it, didn't you? You couldn't just Dr. Green: You're still going to that chiropractor, that
Ross: Ugh, museum. leave it alone. man couldn't get into medical school in Extapa!
Dr. Green: What happened to the library? Ross: Four percent. Okay. I tip more than that when Ross: Thank you! That's what I keep saying.
Ross: There never was a library. I mean there are there's a bug in my food. Rachel: Excuse me, Dr. Bobby happens to be an
libraries, its just that I ah, I never worked at one. Rachel: Ross, tonight was about the two of you getting excellent doctor.
Dr. Green: You know what's really good here, the along. (Ross groans and rubs his neck) Oh, would you just Ross: Uh.
lobster. What do you say shall I just order three. see my chiropractor, already. Dr. Green: Wait a minute, his name is Dr. Bobby?
Ross: Yeah, if you're really hungry. (Dr. Green Ross: Yeah, I'm gonna go to a doctor who went to school Rachel: Well that's his last name.
stares at him) It was a joke, I made a joke. in a mini-mall. Ross: And his first name.
Rachel: Yeah, actually Daddy Ross is allergic to (they go into Monica and Rachel's, and see Phoebe hopping Dr. Green: He's Bobby Bobby?
lobster. around.) Rachel: It's Robert Bobby.
Dr. Green: What kind of person is allergic to Ross: Hey Pheebs, what are you doing? Dr. Green: Oh.
lobster? I guess the kind of person that works at a Phoebe: I'm, I'm freaking out! Monica kinda trusted me Rachel: And um, excuse me, he helps me.
library. with something and she shouldn't have! All right, I haven't Ross: Oh-ho please. Ask her how?
Ross: It's not a library... lived here in a while, so I have to ask you something. Does Dr. Green: What do you need help for?
Dr. Green: (interrupting him) I know!! It's a Monica still turn on the lights in her bedroom? Rachel: With my alignment. I've got one leg shorter
museum! What, you're the only one around here Rachel: Um. yeah. than the other.
who can make a joke! At least mine was funny. Ah, Phoebe: I am soo dead. (goes to Monica's room) Dr. Green: Oh God!
waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu. Rachel: All right, look, here's the bottom line Ross, this is Ross: Argue with that.
(nods at Ross, and mouths I don't know to the fixable, if we act fast, okay. So, I'll invite him to brunch Rachel: What? It's true, my right leg is two inches
waiter.) tomorrow and you can make nice. shorter.
[Scene: After dinner.] Ross: Look, honey, I have tried to make nice, it doesn't Dr. Green: Come on! You're just titling! (to Ross) Her
Ross: So, Dr. Green, how's the old boat. work. legs are fine!
Dr. Green: They found rust. You know what rust Rachel: Okay, look, Ross, I realise that my Father is Ross: I know that!
does to a boat? difficult, but that's why you have got to be the bigger man Dr. Green: So, why do you let her go to a chiropractor
Ross: It gives it a nice antiquey look. here. for?
Dr. Green: (he stares at Ross) Rust, is boat cancer, Ross: Look sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I could be Rachel: I'm sorry, let her?
Ross. the biggest man, I could be a big, huge, giant man, and it Ross: What can I do, she doesn't listen to me about
Ross: Wow. I'm sorry, when I was a kid I lost a still wouldn't make any difference, except that I could pick renter's insurance either.
bike to that. (Rachel giggles at that) your Father up and say 'Like me! Like me tiny doctor!' Dr. Green: Wait a minute, you don't have renter's
Dr. Green: Excuse me for a moment, will you Rachel: Okay, well can't you just try it one more time Ross? insurance?!
please, I want to say good night to the Levines, For me? For me? Rachel: No.
before we go. Ross: Rachel one brunch is not gonna solve anything. You Dr. Green: Well what if somebody steals something?
Rachel: Okay. gotta face it, okay we're never gonna get along. How are you gonna run after him with one leg shorter
Ross: Okay! (picks up a knife and pretends to stab Rachel: Okay, well you are just gonna have too, okay. than the other?!
his heart.) Because I already got a Mother and a Father who cannot (Both he and Ross start laughing)
Rachel: Aw honey stop! It's not that bad. stay in the same room together, okay, I don't wanna have Ross: Hey, would you ah, would you like some juice?
Ross: Yeah. (sees the bill) Op! Uh-oh! I think your to have a separate room for you too!! (starts to cry) Dr. Green: I'd love some juice. Thanks.
Dad must've added wrong. He only tipped like four Ross: Okay, okay, okay. (hugs her) I'll get the bagels. Ross: Okay. (to Rachel) Wow! This is going so well.
percent. [Scene: Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is trying to hide the bed Did you see us? Did you see?
Rachel: Yeah. That's Daddy. from Monica.] Rachel: Yeah honey, I'm standing right there! Why
Ross: That's Daddy?! But doesn't it bother you? Monica: (sees the bed) What's this? didn't you just tell him about the mole I haven't got
You're a waitress. Phoebe: Isn't it cool! Varoom! Varoom! checked yet.
Rachel: Yes, it bothers me Ross, but y'know if he Monica: This is not the bed I ordered! Ross: Excellent!
was a regular at the coffee house, I'd be serving Phoebe: I know, you must've won like a contest or [Scene: Classroom, Joey is talking to his students.]
him sneezers. something! Joey: (sadly) There will come a time in each of your
Ross: So? (Phoebe starts to make a sound like a car accelerating) careers when you'll have a chance to screw over
Rachel: So. Ross, I've bugged him about this a Monica: Phoebe! another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in
million times, he's not gonna change. (Phoebe makes a sound like a car screeching to a halt.) the recent, present. And I'm ashamed to say that I
Ross: You really serve people sneezers? Monica: Why is this car in my bedroom? took it, I advised a fellow actor to play a role,
Rachel: Well um, I don't. Phoebe: I'm sorry, okay, I-I wasn't looking, and the store homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part,
Dr Green: You kids ready? says that they won't take it back because you signed for and uh, as it turned out, they ah, they liked the stupid
Ross: Thanks again, Dr. Green. it... gay thing and cast him. And now, he's got a two year
Dr. Green: All right. Monica: When did I sign for it? contract opposite Susan Luchhi, the first lady of
(Ross takes a twenty and slips it underneath the Phoebe: When I was you! Y'know what, it's all Joey's fault, daytime television, and me, me I'm stuck here
bill when Dr. Green isn't looking.) 'cause he left his nose open! teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly
Dr. Green: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, I think I Monica: Did you make brownies today? to even be on TV. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. (he
forgot my receipt. Chandler: Knock, knock. gets a huge round of applause from his students.)
Ross: Oh, ah, you don't need that. Monica: (to Phoebe) Quick, take off your dress, he won't Thank you.
Dr. Green: Why not? notice the bed. [Scene: Mattress King, Monica is trying to return her
Ross: The carbon, it's messy, I mean it gets on Chandler: Hey, I'm going for sushi does anybody want.. bed.]
your fingers and causes, the, the ah, night (enters and sees the bed) Whoa-whoa, somebody missed Jester: Uh, may I help you?
blindness. the off ramp. Monica: Yeah, I talked to you on the phone, I'm the
Dr. Green: (gets his receipt and notices the Phoebe: It's Monica's bed. What? lady that got stuck with the racecar bed.
twenty) What is this? Who put a twenty down here? Chandler: Okay. (to Monica) It's a racecar. Jester: Look, it's like I told you, there's nothing I can
Huh? Phoebe: So. This has always been Monica's bed, what do. You signed for it, Monica Velula Geller.
Ross: Oh, yeah, that would be me, um, I have, I you're just noticing now, how self-involved are you? Joey: All right, Jester man, look we wanna see the
have a problem I-I tip way too much, way, way, too Chandler: Okay, well it this bed isn't new, how come there king.
much, it's a sickness really. is plastic on the mattress? Jester: Nobody sees the king!
Rachel: Yeah it is, it is. (to Ross) We really, really Monica: Sometimes I have bad dreams. (starts to break Joey: Oh-ho-kay, I'm talking to the king. (starts to go
have to do something about that. down, and Phoebe offers her, her hand to comfort her.) to a back room)
Ross: I know. [Scene: Classroom, Joey is coaching his student.] Jester: Hey! You can't go back there!
Dr. Green: Excuse me, you think I'm cheap? Student: Look, I just saw my best friends brains smeared (Joey goes to the door, but stops and looks through the
Rachel: Oh Daddy, no he didn't mean anything by across the canvas, that's not gonna be me, not me. window at Janice and the Mattress King, her
that, he really didn't. Joey: Wow! That was good. That was... (points to his ex-husband, kissing.)
Ross: Nothing I do means anything, really. pocket) Tweezers? Janice: Oh my God.
Dr. Green: This is nice. I pay two hundred dollars Student: No. (Joey fakes a scream.)
for dinner, you put down twenty, and you come out Joey: Whoa. That was really good. Closing Credits
looking like Mr. Big Shot. You really want to be Mr. Student: Thanks, any suggestions? [Scene: Monica's bedroom, Chandler is playing with
Big Shot? Here, I'll tell you what, you pay the (Joey gets the evil look on his face.) the bed.]
whole bill, Mr. Big Shot, all right. (rips up the bill, [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are Chandler: Varrrrrroom! Hey! Watch it lady!
and throws it at Ross, then leaves) there, yelling at Joey.] Varrrrrrrrrrom! (makes a screeching sound as he
Ross: Well Mr. Big Shot is better than 'wethead'. Chandler: You told him to play the boxer gay!! pretends to stomp on the brakes.) Hey-hey good
[Scene: Classroom, Joey is lecturing on facial Joey: Well, I-I might've said supergay. lookin'! (honks the bed's little horn on the steering
expressions.] Chandler: You totally screwed him over. wheel.) Varrrrrrrrroom. (notices Rachel and stops) All
Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've Monica: Joey, you're this guy's teacher. I mean how could right, I'll leave. My bed's so boring.
never been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a you do this? End
scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my Joey: Because, Monica, the guy's so good, and I really,
pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start really want this part.
pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that I've Phoebe: Well, if you really, really want it, then it's okay. 308 The One With The Giant Poking Device
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Season 3
are babysitting Ben.] mentioning, you see we all do it all the time. See watch
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Chandler, Rachel: (holding Ben) Look Benny, spoon. (moves it back this, Ben, Ben, Ben. (goes over and starts hitting her
and Ross are there, Rachel is serving brownies.] and forth) Spoon. Come on! All right, y'know what I think head on the post) Ow, Monica bang! (does it again)
Rachel: Here you go Pheebs. Who else wants one he's bored. Everybody bang. (repeats) Ben bang. (repeats) Rachel
of my special homemade brownies? Monica: Here. Ben, do you wanna play the airplane game, bang. (repeats) Bang, Rachel bang! Oh, isn't that fun?
Chandler: I will have one. (Ross and him both do you wanna show Rachel? Come here. (takes Ben) We're Rachel: (goes over and hits her head on the post)
take one.) gonna do something fun. Okay. (throws Ben up in the air a Look at that! (repeats) Look at that! (repeats) We all
(Phoebe takes a bite and spits it out and screams.) little bit and catches him) Weee!! (moves into the living do it. (repeats) Okay, I'm stopping now.
Chandler: Okay, I'm not gonna have one. room and does it again) Weee!! (starts to walk back into Monica: You okay?
Ross: Neither will I. (they both put back the the kitchen as she does it again, and hits Ben's head on Rachel: Oh yeah! Y'know, if it's not a headboard, it's
brownies.) that wooden beam across the ceiling.) just not worth it.
Phoebe: No, no, it's just my tooth. [cut to later] [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is waiting for
Chandler: All right I'll have one. (he and Ross Monica: (to Ben) Who's so brave, you're so brave, yes you Janice to arrive, and is angrily fllipping through a
take another brownie,) are, you're so brave. magazine.]
Ross: So what's a matter, you need a dentist? I've Rachel: Okay. Okay honey, he's fine, he's fine, let's just Janice: (entering) How's my Bing-a-ling?
got a good one. put him down. Come here, Ben. (sets him on the couch) Chandler: Ah, I don't know, you tell me. Anything you
Phoebe: No thanks, I have a good one too. I just, See that's a good boy. (to Monica) How could you do that ah, wanna tell me, because, if you ah, you should, if
I, I can't see him. to him!! Ross trusted me, what is he going to say?! you, you would, tell me.
Chandler: See that is the problem with invisible Monica: He's not gonna say anything, because we're not Janice: Why are your eyes so white?
dentists. gonna tell him. Chandler: You tell me! Maybe, it's because I was just
Ross: Why? Why can't you go to him? Rachel: We're not?! fooling with my ex! Oh no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no, that
Phoebe: Because, every time I go to the dentist, Monica: No we're not. was you!!
somebody dies. Rachel: All right, I like that. Janice: Oh my God!!
Chandler: That is so weird, because every time I Monica: Okay. Chandler: All right!
go to the dentist, I look down the hygienist's Rachel: So we're okay, we're okay, we're okay, (starts to Janice: How did you know?
blouse. exam Ben) aren't we? No, we're not okay, we're not okay, Chandler: Joey told me, he saw you two kissing.
Rachel: Phoebe, what? Umm...what?! there's a bump, there's a bump. Janice: In the park?
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, first there was my aunt Mary, Monica: Oh my God! Well push it in! Push it in! Chandler: No! In his office! How many kisses were
and then there was umm, John, my mailman, and Rachel: I cannot push it in! there?
then my, my cowboy friend 'Albino Bob'. Monica: Okay, we're gonna need a distraction. Janice: Just those two!
Rachel: And all these people actually died? Rachel: Okay, okay, okay. Chandler: Wh-wh-why, wh-why, why, why was there
Phoebe: Yes, while I was in the chair! That's why Monica: I got it! kissing!? There should be no kissing!!
I take such good care of my teeth now, y'know, it's Rachel: Okay. Janice: Oh, I'm sorry honey, I'm so, so, (nasally)
not about oral hygiene, I floss to save lives! Monica: The second that Ross walks in that door, I want haaaaa! I'm so, so sorry, I just (nasally) haaaaaa! But I,
Ross: Pheebs, come on, you didn't kill anybody, you take him back to your bedroom and do whatever it is oh what happened was, I-I-I can't breathe. Can you
these people just happened to die when you went that you do that makes him go, (high pitched) rweee!! get me a bag, or something?
to the dentist. It's, it's, it's just ah, a coincidence. Rachel: Or. We could put a hat on his head. Chandler: (giving her a bag) Here.
Phoebe: Well tell that to them. Oh! You can't, Monica: A hat! Yes! We need a hat. (Janice starts to breathe into it and breathes in the
their dead. Rachel: We need a hat.. reciept, and then spits it out.)
Opening Credits Monica: Where are we gonna find a tiny little hat? Janice: The receipt.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe Rachel: Oh, oh, oh, I'll get 'Rainy Day Bear'!! (runs to get Chandler: I'll take it! All right look, I gotta know. Are
are there.] him) you finished with me? (Janice shakes her head no) Are
Ross: Thanks, Gunther. (takes the plate Gunther Monica: Because he'll know what to do? (Rachel comes you finished with him? (Janice shakes her head no) Do
serves him and Rachel comes up and kisses him) out of her room with a bear that's dressed in a rain suit.) you still love him? (Janice shakes her head yes) Do you
(to Rachel) Hey! (to Gunther) Umm, can I get a Oh my God, you're a genius! still love me? (Janice shakes her head yes) All right
napkin too? Rachel: Oh God, oh God, it's sowed on though. look, (grabs the bag) I'm gonna need an actual answer
Gunther: Oh, like you don't already have Monica: Give it. Give it. here okay, so which is it, him or me? (his phone starts
everything. Rachel: Okay. to ring)
Phoebe: (trying to bite into an apple) Ow! Ow! (Monica takes the bear, grabs his hat, and rips off his Janice: I don't know.
(drops the apple in disgust.) head.) Phoebe: (rushing in) Okay. If you're alive you answer
Rachel: Phoebe, your in pain, would you just go Monica and Rachel: Oh!! your phone!
to the dentist, just go. Rachel: Oh, it's just like a bloodbath in here today. Commercial Break
Phoebe: All right, fine, fine, but if you're my next [Scene: The street, Chandler and Joey are walking past a [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe,
victim, don't come back as a poltergeist and like jewelery store.] and Joey are there.]
suck me into the TV set. Chandler: Hey! Hold on a minute, hold on a second. Do Monica: Okay, Ben, I won't tell your daddy that you
Rachel: I promise. you think these pearls are nice? had ice cream for dinner, if you don't tell about our little
Phoebe: Although, don't feel like you can't visit. Joey: I'd really prefer a mountain bike. bonking incident.
Joey: (entering with Monica) Hey, is, is, is Chandler: Janice's birthday is coming up, I want to get Rachel: Monica, number one, I don't think Ben
Chandler here? her something speacial. Come in here with me. understands the concept of bribery, and number two,
Ross: (patting his clothes like he is looking for his Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa. Do you ah, want to I... (Joey starts laughing in the background) (to Joey)
wallet) No, no he's not. get her something speacial, get her flowers, get her candy, What?!
Monica: You guys, Joey just saw Janice kissing get her gum, girls love gum. Joey: You said number two.
her ex-husband. Chandler: That's a good idea, 'Dear Janice have a Rachel: I also said number one.
Ross: What? (to Joey) So what are you going to Hubba-Bubba birthday'. I would like to get her something Joey: I know. (giggles harder)
do? I mean how, how are you going to tell serious. Ross: (entering) Hey! Everyone.
Chandler? Joey: Oh, you want something serious. Y'know what you Rachel: Hi!
Joey: Well, I was thinking about that and I, I think should do, you should get her one of those um, barium Ross: How's my little boy?
the best way would be, to not. enemas. Those are dead serious. Rachel: He's perfect, he's never been better.
Rachel: Joey, you can't keep this to yourself, if Chandler: All right. Look, I'm gonna go in here, and you Ross: (noticing the outfit he is wearing) What'd you
you know about this, you have to tell him. don't buy me anything ever. (starts to go into the store) do, take him whaling?
Joey: It'll kill him. I mean it'll, it'll just kill him. Joey: (stopping him) No, no, you can't, you can't, okay, Ben: Monica.
Phoebe: Well, you could wait 'til I go to the you can't, you can't buy her pearls, you just can't, you can't, Ross: Oh my God, he just said your name, that's great!
dentist, maybe I'll kill him. you can't. Good job Ben.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, All are there except Chandler: Why not?! Ben: Monica bang!
for Chandler.] Joey: Oh God. Uh, okay, here's the thing, this is the thing, Monica: Oh that's right, that's what I'd sound like if I
Joey: (looking out the window) Ewww! Ugly okay, the thing is... exploded.
Naked Guy is using his new hammock. It's like a Chandler: What is the thing? Phoebe: Woo-Hoo! The curse is broken! I called
Play-Doo Fat Factory. Joey: Okay. I went down to the 'Mattress King' showroom everybody I know, and everyone is alive.
Phoebe: Well, I'm going to the dentist, so listen, and, and I saw Janice, kissing her ex-husband. Joey: Uh.
okay, just be on the look out for anything that, that, Chandler: (shocked) What? Phoebe: What?
that you can fall into, or, or that can fall on you, or... Joey: They were in his office. Joey: Ugly Naked Guy looks awfully still. (Phoebe runs
All right, just look out! Okay, And um, I also just Chandler: Well she, she wouldn't do that, she's with, she's to the window and gasps.)
wanna, I just wanna tell you all that um...... (starts with me. [Cut to later, all except Chandler are staring out the
to cry and runs out) Joey: I'm telling you man, I saw it. window at Ugly Naked Guy.]
Ross: Okay, I have a problem I have to go into Chandler: Yeah, well, you're wrong! Okay, you're wrong. Phoebe: Oh my God! I killed him! I killed another one!
work for a few hours, some kids messed up the Joey: I'm not wrong! I wish I was. I'm sorry. Bet that And this curse is getting stronger too, to bring down
Homo Sapien display. barium enema doesn't sound so bad now, huh? something that big.
Joey: What did they do? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are Rachel: Well maybe he's just taking a nap.
Ross: Well, they painted over the word 'Sapien' dressing up Ben in the entire rain suit from Rainy Day Bear.] Joey: I'm tellin' ya, he hasn't moved since this
for one thing, then they rearranged the figures, Monica: It just makes more sense as an ensemble. morning.
let's just leave it at that. Rachel: Right. Monica: All right, we should call somebody.
Monica: So, do you want me to watch Ben for Monica: Besides, it takes the focus off the hat. Ross: And tell them what? The naked guy we stare at
you? Phoebe: (running through the door) No! Oh! You're alive! all the time isn't moving.
Ross: Yes, that's what I was going to ask, thank You're alive! Rachel: Well, we have gotta find out if he's alive.
you. Rachel: See Pheebs, I promised you no one would die, Monica: How are we gonna do that? There's no way.
Rachel: Whoa! Wait! Hello! What about me? didn't I? Joey: Well, there is one way. His window's open, I say,
Ross: You? You! Want to watch Ben? (in the Phoebe: Yeah, well, we'll see about that. Can I use your we poke him.
background Monica mouths 'Don't worry, I'll be phone? I just wanna call everyone I know. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is throwing
here the whole time.' to Ross.) Yes! That'd be Monica: Sure, we have no money, go ahead. darts, as Joey enters.]
great, no, I just wanted to ask Monica, because I Phoebe: (on phone) 'Hey! You're not dead! Okay, see ya!' Joey: Hey! Y'know how we ah, save all those
know how empty her life is. (Monica sarcastically Ben: Monica. chopsticks for no reason we get when we get Chinese
mouths 'Yeah!' and holds up her thumb.) Monica: Oh my God! He just said my name! Did you hear food?
Joey: Hey-hey, Ross? that? Chandler: Yeah.
Ross: Yeah. Ben: Monica bang! Joey: Well, now we got a reason.
Joey: I've got a science question. Rachel: Okay, I heard that. Chandler: What?
Ross: Hmm? Monica: Did he just say 'Monica bang'? Joey: Well, we're fashioning a very long poking device.
Joey: If the Homo Sapiens, were in fact Rachel: Uh-huh. Chandler: All right.
'Homo-sapien', is that why there extinct? Monica: Oh my God! He's gonna rat me out! Joey: Hey uh, what's a matter?
Ross: Joey, Homo Sapiens are people. Ben: Monica bang! Chandler: I talked to Janice.
Joey: Hey-hey, I'm not judging. Monica: Oh-ho-ho, sweetie, sweetie, you gotta stop Joey: Oh my God, is she going back to him?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel saying that, now. It's no big deal, it's not even worth Chandler: She doesn't know. Says she loves us both.
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Y'know I woke up this morning and I was in love, Chandler: You can't leave! I have your shoe! Cup?
well I was happy. Y'know it serves me right for Janice: Good-bye Chandler Bing. (walks out with one Rachel: Um, there was a Geller Cup?
buying that twelve pack of condoms. And now I shoe) Ross: Yes, it was the trophy you got if you won the
can't even return them, because she choked on Gunther: Rachel has those in burgendy. game. But our Dad said, 'nobody won that game, ' and
the reciept! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, he was sick of our fighting, so he took the trophy and....
Joey: What are you ah, what are you gonna do? and Ross are holding the giant poking device.] (pauses to collect himself, as he is on the verge of tears
Chandler: I don't know, y'know. What, what, Joey: All right now remember, something this big and long saying this) threw it in the lake.
would you do? is going to be difficult to manuver, fortunately I have a lot Chandler: And was the curse lifted?
Joey: Well, it doesn't matter what I would do. of experience in that area. Ross: Anyway. That's when our Mom said we were not
Chandler: Come on, tell me. Ross: Can we please focus here, a naked man's life hangs to play football ever again.
Joey: All right, you're probably not gonna want to in the balance! Monica: Y'know what, I think we should play a game.
hear this but ah, if it was me, and this is just me, Phoebe: I'm telling you he's dead. What we are about to I mean come on, it's been twelve years.
(Chandler gets ready to throw another dart) I have here is a dead fat guy on a stick. Ross: Can I see you for a second?
would ah, I would bow out. Joey: All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's poke. (they start (they walk over to the sink and discuss it for a
Chandler: What? (turns around quickly still ready to advance the giant poking device) Steady. Steady. Okay, moment)
to throw the dart and Joey quickly ducks and hides a little higher. Careful of the angle. Okay, okay, we're Monica: (shouting) Once!!
behind the chair) What are you, what are you approaching the window (as he says this the camera cuts Ross: All right, we're gonna play.
talking about? to their view of Ugly Naked Guy, so that we actually see Chandler: But wait a minute though, how are we
Joey: They have a kid together, y'know. They're him!) Thread the needle. Thread the needle. gonna get there, though, because my Mom won't let
like, they're like a family, and if, I don't know, (They thread the needle and start poking him, he then me cross the street.
there's chance they could make that work, I know stirs.) [Scene: The Park, the gang is warming up for their
I wouldn't want to be the guy who stood in the Phoebe: He's alive! He's a-live!!! football game.]
way of that. Are you okay? Do you wanna ah, Monica: And yet, we're still poking him. Monica: Okay. Let's bring it in.
come poke a nude guy? Joey: Okay, retract the device, retract the device. Rachel: Wait no, honey, honey throw it to me, throw it
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross has just Ross: He does not look happy. to me.
finished putting Ben to sleep, and is entering from Rachel: Hey-hey, now he's showing us his poking device. Ross: Here you go. (throws her the ball)
Rachel's room.] Joey: Hey, that's never gonna make it all the way over Rachel: (knocking it down instead of catching it) That
Ross: Well, he's finally alseep. About that ah, here, buddy! almost hit me in the face.
bump on his head? Closing Credits Joey: All right, we have to pick captains.
Rachel: Are you, are you, are you sure it's ah, a [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is listening to a Chandler: And then Tineals.
new bump? I mean, no offense, I've always Lionel Richie album] Phoebe: Okay, so how do we decide that?
thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy headed child. Chandler: (singing) I'll hold you close in my arms. Monica: Well, why don't we just bunny up.
Ross: It's okay if he bumps his head, kids bump (Phoebe enters) I can't resist your charms. And love.... Rachel, Chandler, and Joey: What?
their heads all the time, y'know, it was your first Phoebe: (joining him) Love.... Monica and Ross: (holding both of their hands above
time babysitting, I figured you did the best you Chandler and Phoebe:I'll be a fool for you. I'm sure, you their heads making rabbit ears with their fingers.)
could. know I don't mind. Bunny!
Rachel: (confidently) I did! Chandler: (high pitched) No you know I don't mind. Monica: Okay, looks like Ross and I are captains. Okay,
Ross: I know! I'm saying you have to watch them Chandler and Phoebe:Yes! You mean the world the so um, I bunnied first so that means I get to pick first.
all the time. world to me. Oh... Joey.
Rachel: I did!! I watched! I watched! I watched Chandler:I know. Joey: Thank you.
Monica bang his head against that thing! Phoebe:I know. Rachel: Monica, I'm your best friend.
Ross: Monica did it? Chandler:I've found. Ross: Sweetie, don't worry you'll get picked. Chandler.
(Monica runs into the kitchen from the terrace.) Phoebe:I've found.... Rachel: Ross!
Ross: Monica? Chandler and Phoebe:...in you, my endless (Phoebe Monica: Phoebe.
Monica: Yeah. goes high pitched, Chandler goes low pitched) love. (they (Phoebe kisses Rachel on the cheek, then joins her
Ross: Umm, did you notice anything wierd about both look at each other.) My endless love. (once again they team.)
Ben today? don't match tones, and they just look at each other) Ross: Sweetie, now I pick you.
Monica: No. Why? End Rachel: You don't pick me! You're stuck with me!
Ross: Well, I was just playing with him, and Ross: Okay. All right. So let's see, let's play from the
y'know we were doing the alphabet song, which he trash can, to the lightpost. Right. Two hand touch, we'll
used to be really good at, but suddenly he's 309 The One With The Football kick off.
leaving out 'e' and 'f.' It's like they just ah, I don't Monica: All right people listen, I've got exactly
know, fell out of his head. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there, the twenty-eight minutes before I have to baste again.
Monica: Really?! guys are watching football, the girls are cooking Chandler: Wow! Just like in the pros.
Ross: Oh, and also, he's, he's walkin' kind of funny, Thanksgiving dinner.] Monica: Huddle up.
his left leg is moving a lot faster than his right leg, The Guys: (reacting to a play) Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Awww! Joey: (to his team) All right, huddle up, right over
and he's in there just sort of y'know... (walks Phoebe: Hey, it's your Thanksgiving too, y'know, instead here.
around in a circle) of watching football, you could help. Phoebe: Wait for me! Wait for me! Wait for me! Oh
Monica: Oh my God, I wrecked your baby!! (runs The Guys: We will. (they don't move) cool, this is my first huddle.
into the bedroom) Monica: Okay, Rachel, you wanna put the marshmellows Monica: Okay.
Rachel: I hope it's still funny when you're in hell. in concentric circles. Phoebe: Okay, so what do you guys really think of
Monica: (coming out of the bedroom) You jerk! Rachel: No Mon, you want to put them in concentric Chandler?
You know how much I love that kid! (starts to circles. I want to do this. Monica: Okay, Phoebe you know what you're doing
chase Ross around the living room) (Rachel sticks a marshmellow into Monica's nose. Monica right?
Ross: Monica bang! Monica bang! (runs into one takes it out of her nose by closing one nostril, and blowing.) Phoebe: Yeah.
of the posts) Ow! Monica: Every year. Monica: Okay, Joey's gonna catch it, and you and I
Rachel: I'll get the hat. Opening Credits are gonna block.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Janice are [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.] Phoebe: What's block?
there.] Phoebe: Y'know, for once, I am going to sit down and try Monica: Phoebe, I thought you said you know what
Chandler: Janice, I have something I need to tell to watch one of these things. (just as she sits down) . you're doing?
you, and I want you to let me get through it, Ross: Halftime. Phoebe: I thought you meant in life.
because it's, it's, it's not gonna be easy. Joey: Hey, who wants to ah, throw the ball around a little, Monica: Break.
Janice: Okay. maybe get a little three on three going? (Chandler is getting ready to kick off, Ross is holding
Chandler: I think you should go back with Gary. I Rachel: Oh! That would be sooo much fun! the ball between his foot and finger.)
don't wanna be the guy that breaks up a family, Phoebe: Oh, can I play too? I've never played football, like Chandler: The ball is Janice. The ball is Janice. (goes
y'know when my parents split up, it was because ever. to kick the ball but kicks Ross's foot instead.)
of that guy. Whenever I would see him I was Joey: Great, you can cover Chandler. Ross: Oww!! Son of a...!! Ow! Come on!
always think y'know 'You're the reason, you are Chandler: No, no, no, I don't, I don't really wanna play. Chandler: Sorry. I'm sorry. Y'know what, we're just
the reason why their not together.' and I hated Joey: Come on man! You never want to do anything since gonna throw it.
that guy. And it didn't matter how nice he was, or you and Janice broke up. (Chandler throws the ball to kick-off.)
how happy he made my Dad. Chandler: That's not true! I wanted to wear my bathrobe Joey: I got it. (catches the ball)
Janice: Wow! and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in Phoebe: Go! Go! Go!
Chandler: Yeah, well. It's the right thing to do. the morning. Don't say that I don't have goals! (Joey runs up field and fakes out Ross and scores a
Janice: Oh! You're right. Oh God. But, before I Joey: Chandler, you have to start getting over her. All right, touchdown. His team all celebrates the touchdown.)
can say 'good-bye', there's something I really need if you play, you get some fresh air, maybe it'll take your Monica: Score!! 7 to nothing!
you to know, Chandler. The way I feel about you, mind off Janice, and if you don't play, everyone will be mad Rachel: (coming over to Ross, who is just getting up)
it's like, I finally understand what Lionel Richie's at you 'cause the teams won't be even. Come on. Are you okay?
been singing about. Y'know, I mean what we have, Chandler: Yeah, all right, I'll play. Ross: Come on, let's go!
it's like movie love, you're my soulmate, and I can't Phoebe: Yay!! Monica: Losers walk!
believe we're not going to be spending the rest of Rachel: Let's do it! Ross? Ross: Yeah, losers talk!
our lives together. Ross: What? Chandler: No, no, no, actually losers rhyme.
Chandler: Then don't leave me! Rachel: Do you wanna play football? [cut to later, Ross's team has the ball.]
Janice: What? Ross: Um, Monica and I aren't supposed to play football. Chandler: (coming up under center, just like a real
Chandler: Forget what I said, I was babbling! Joey: Says who? Your mom? quarterback does, and puts his hands between Ross's
Pick me! Monica and Ross: Yeah. legs.) Twenty-three!! Seventy-four!! (Ross stands up
Janice: No, you were right, you were right. I Monica: Well, every, every Thanksgiving um, we used to and looks at him) You wanna go shotgun?
mean, I-I-I've got to give my marriage another have a touch football game called the 'Geller Bowl.' Ross: Yeah!
chance. Chandler: No, no, no, you say that proudly. Chandler: (from the shotgun) Hike!
Chandler: No you don't! No, no, no, I say you Monica: Anyway, Ross and I were always captains, and Monica and Joey: One-Mississippi. Two-Mississippi.
have to give your divorce another chance. um, it got kind've competitive and one year, Geller Bowl VI, Three-Mississippi.
Janice: (standing up) I'm sorry. (hugs him) I accidentally broke Ross's nose. (Rachel runs a quick slant.)
Chandler: Ohhh. Don't go. Ross: It was soo not an accident. She saw I was about to Rachel: Over here!
Janice: No, I-I-I gotta go. (she starts to walk away, tag her, so she threw her big fat grandma arm elbow right (Chandler throws her the ball, which she drops.)
but Chandler doesn't let her go.) into my face. And just keep running. Rachel: (proud of her self) I almost caught that one!
Chandler: No. No! No! No! Monica: To score the winning touchdown, by the way. Chandler: Great! Now, the score is 7 to almost 7.
Janice: Honey, honey, people are looking. Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa, ho, ho, ho, you did not win the Ross: Okay, (to Chandler) this play, I want you to do a
Chandler: I don't care! (turns around and to the game, the touchdown didn't count, because of the down and out to the right. Okay. Break!
people watching them) I don't care!! spectacularly illegal, oh and by the way savage nose Rachel: Wait, what am I gonna do?
Janice: Yeah, um, I'm, I'm leaving now. (tries to breaking. Ross: You, you go long.
get her leg out of Chandler's grasp, she finally Monica: (to Chandler and Joey) I won the game. Rachel: Wait, how long?
does, but Chandler takes off her shoe.) Ross: Oh yeah! Then how come you didn't get the Geller Ross: Until we start to look very small.
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Rachel: Okay. Joey: After!! Monica: Come on Rach, come on. Let's see what's it
Ross: Break!! Chandler: Before!! like to be on a winning team for a change.
[cut to later, Monica's team has the ball.] Rachel: Now, does it really matter? Rachel: Are you gonna let me play?
Joey: Set....hike! All: Yes!! Monica: All right then.
Ross: One-Mississippi, two-Mississippi, switch! Phoebe: Well, okay, I made a touchdown. It was my first [cut to the guys' team.]
Switch! Switch!! touchdown. So? Margha: (coming over) The game is over, we eat
Chandler: No, no, no, no, no! Ross: Oh Pheebs, that's great. It doesn't count. now?
(Monica throws the ball over Joey's head, it's Monica: Does so count! Chandler: No-no-no-no, the game's not over, we're
stopped from rolling away by a very beautiful Ross: Cheater, cheater, compulsive eater. just switching teams.
woman.) Phoebe: Oh my God! Joey: Yeah, Chandler finds me so intimdating that it's
Joey: Haaaaa! Hey-hey, thanks for stopping our Monica: Y'know what, that's fine, maybe you haven't better if we're on the same team.
ball. grown up, but I have. Ross: Right. Okay, let's play. Let's go.
Woman: (in a foreign accent) You are playing Ross: Oh-ho, okay. Chandler: No ah, hold on a second Joe, where do
American football? Monica: Dead leg!! (kicks him in the thigh.) Dutch people come from?
Joey: Yeah! Wow, your like from a whole other Ross: Ow! Ow! Okay, okay, fine, fine! All right, you wanna Joey: Ah well, the ah, Pennsylvania Dutch, come from
country. win by cheating, go ahead, all right. Phoebe the touchdown Pennsylvania.
Woman: I'm Dutch. does count, you win. Chandler: And the other ah, Dutch people, they come
Joey: Hi-hi, I'm Joey. Phoebe: Woo-yay!! on from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?
Woman: I'm Margha. Monica: No! Listen, I'm not gonna go through this with Joey: Nice try. (to Margha) See the Netherlands is this
Joey: I'm sorry Dutch, I didn't get that last little you again, okay. Just once I wanna beat when you can't make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinker Bell
bit. blame it on the broken nose, the buzzer, or the fact that come from.
Chandler: (running up) Hey Joey, do you wanna you thought you were getting mono. Let's just call this, tie Margha: Oh, my.
play football or you wanna.. (sees Marhan) Hi, I'm score and it's halftime. Ross: Enough with geography for the insane, okay?
Chandler. Ross: Okay, first of all, I don't play with cheaters, and Let's play some ball, guys.
Margha: Hello, Chandler. second of all, you know I had swollen glands!! Joey: Whoa, whoa, no, no, I-I'm not playing with this
Joey: Her name is Dutch, and also Marklan. Monica: Y'know what? I'll think you'll play. guy, now.
Margha: Margha. Ross: Oh really! Why is that? Chandler: Fine with me.
Joey: Mar-klan. [cut to Monica and Rachel's.] Ross: Okay, y'know what, let's just cut to the chase
Margha: Mar-gha. Monica: Because the winner gets this! here. Okay? Heidi, which of my boys do you like?
Chandler: Mar-haaaan. Ross: The Geller Cup. Chandler and Joey: What are you doing? What are
[cut to Ross and Monica.] Chandler: Is everybody else seeing a troll doll nailed to a you doing? What are you doing?
Monica: Come on guys! Let's go! Come on, it's two by four? Margha: Which do I like?
second down. All: Yeah. Ross: Yeah, y'know for dating, general merriment,
Ross: Uh, hello, it's third down. Chandler: Okay, good. taking back to your windmill...
Monica: No it's not, it's second. Commercial Break Margha: Well, if I had to chose right now, which by
Ross: Wow! [Scene: The park, the gang is returning to play the second the way I find really weird, I would have to say,
Monica: Wow, what? half of the game.] Chandler.
Ross: It just amazes me that your still pulling stuff Ross: Okay, where in the hell did you get that?! Chandler: Yes!!
like this. Monica: When Mom and Dad drove you to the hospital to Joey: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! She obviously
Monica: Pulling what? It's second down. get your nose fixed, I swam into the lake and fished it out. didn't understand the question.
Ross: Okay, it's second down. (turns away) Take Ross: That cup is mine! Chandler: Well, you don't you have Captain Hook
all the second downs you need. Monica: No it's not! You want it, you're gonna have to win explain it to her.
Monica: I heard that! it! Margha: I'm sorry, Joey, that is my chose.
Ross: Well, I said it loud. Rachel: All right, so are we not having dinner at all? Chandler: You hear that! That is her chose, mister I'll
[cut to Chandler, Joey, and Margha.] Monica: Come on Phoebe, let's go! Come on, it's time to let you have her! I win! You suck! I rule all! A
Margha: It is okay, if I stay and watch? get serious, huddle up. Joey, keep your head in the game. mini-wave in celebration of me!! (does the wave.)
Chandler and Joey: Yeah! Why don't you stick Joey: It's hard, y'know, his huddle is closer to Dutch girl. Margha: I'm now thinking I would like to change my
around. You can sit right there. Monica: All right look, if I take Chandler out of the running answer to, no one.
(she goes and sits down) will you be able to focus? Chandler: Wh-what?
Chandler: Well, that went well. Joey: What are you gonna do? Margha: I now find you shallow and um, a dork. All
Joey: I think so. Monica: All right, you just make sure that Chandler right, bye.
Chandler: Y'know, I was thinking about ah, catches the ball, I'll take care of the rest. Joey: Nice going. You just saved yourself a couple
asking her for her number. Joey: Okay. months of sex.
Joey: Thanks man, but I think it makes a stronger Monica: Break! Chandler: Y'know what, it doesn't matter, 'cause she
statement if I ask for it myself, y'know. Joey: Here you go! picked me. Me! From now on I get the dates and you
Chandler: Whoa-ho, whoa! No, I was thinking (Joey throws the ball to Chandler) have to stay home on Saturday nights watching Ready,
about y'know for me, as a part of that whole Ross: Chandler! Chandler! Set, Cook!
getting over Janice thing you were talking about. (Chandler catches the ball and starts to run upfield.) Ross: Save the breakthroughs for therapy, okay. The
Joey: Oh, yeah, that. All right, means that much Chandler: (to Margha) Hi. clock is ticking. We have no time, and we are losing,
to ya, I'll let you have her. (just as he gets in front of Margha, Monica comes up and we are losing to girls.
Chandler: Thanks. What, let me have her?! What tackles him) Chandler: We're not gonna lose to girls.
do mean? Like if you didn't I wouldn't have a shot? Monica: Whoa! Whoa!! Tackled by a girl! Bet ya don't see Ross: Hey! It's 42-21!
Joey: Well I don't like to say it out loud, but, yeah! that everyday, do ya? Joey: This sucks, I was just up by that much!
Don't feel bad man, we all have our strengths. Ross: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's with the tackling? Monica: Are we playing football or what? Come on
You're better with numbers and stuff. Monica: What?! I just touched him and he went over. you hairy-backed Marries.
Chandler: Math!! You're giving me math! All right, Ross: Okay, you wanna play rough, we can play rough. [cut to the girls huddle.]
look y'know what, forget about it, you go for the (They both stare each other down as we hear 'Let's get Monica: We have to do this. We are playing for
girl, we'll see who gets her. ready to r-r-r-rum-ble!!!') women everywhere. Okay, just think about every lousy
[cut to later, in Ross's huddle.] (A long football sequence follows.) date that you ever had, okay, every guy who kept on
Ross: Chandler, I want you to run a post pattern [Sequence 1: Monica throws the ball over Chandler's head the TV while you're making out...
to the left, okay. And sweetie.. to Joey who catches it for a touchdown, and starts to dance Phoebe: Oh my God! You dated someone with a glass
Rachel: Yeah, I know, go long. Y'know, it's like all in celebration. Chandler then tackles him, and he starts to eye too?!
I'm doing is running back and forth from the dance in celebration.] Monica: Come on, okay, come on this is for all
huddle. [Sequence 2: Monica runs upfield and stops, waiting for a womankind. Let's kill 'um!
Ross: Well ah, you wanna just stay out there? pass. Ross runs over and pulls her pants down, steps in Rachel: Yeah!!! Kill 'um!!!
Rachel: Can I see that for second. front of her and intercepts the pass.] Phoebe: All right, no, well I want to kill them to, but
Ross: Yeah. [Sequence 3: Chandler throws a pass to Ross, who catches their boys, y'know how are we gonna beat three boys?
(Rachel takes the ball from his hands and bounces it. Phoebe starts screaming and runs up to him and tries to (Another football sequence follows)
it off of Ross's forehead and Chandler catches the tackle him. But all she ends up doing is running around his [Sequence 1: Chandler is running past Phoebe with the
rebound.) waist and screaming.] ball, Phoebe flashes him, he stops and stares
Ross: Okay. Hut! Hike! [Sequence 4: Ross hikes the ball to Chandler, and the dumbfounded at her. Phoebe then runs up and takes
(Chandler runs around behind Ross, who pitches camera pans down to show Rachel standing deep in the the ball away.]
him the ball. Chandler runs upfield, and Joey end zone, playing with her gum. Something hits her on the [Sequence 2: Phoebe throws the ball, and it's
knocks the ball out of his hands.) head and she looks up to see where it came from.] intercepted by Joey, who starts to run up field. Rachel
Joey: Fumble! [Sequence 5: Monica hands the ball off to Phoebe, who jumps on his back in order to try and tackle him, but
(Joey starts to return the fumble and Chandler runs up field and delivers a fore-arm shiver to Chandler, she doesn't slow him down. Monica and Phoebe then
grabs Joey's shirt and rips it off of his back.) knocking him over and scores the touchdown, and she both grab her legs in order to stop Joey, who still
Joey: What the hell's the matter with you?! This is yells...] manages to fight through the tackle and score the
my favourite jersey. Phoebe: I love this game!! touchdown.]
Chandler: Well now you have two. Hey, I am [cut to Ross who walks up to Rachel who is eating a baked [Sequence 3: Chandler is running with the ball, Phoebe
good at math. pretzel.] flashes him again, but Chandler covers his eyes, and
Joey: All right, that's it. Y'know I was still gonna Ross: Hey, where'd you get that? keeps running. He then runs into a tree at the end of
let you have her. But now, forget about it. Prepare Rachel: I went really long. the field.]
to feel very bad about yourself. Monica: Forty-two to twenty-one! Like the turkey, Ross is [cut to the girls huddle]
Chandler: Hey! Well, I've been preparing for that done! Monica: All right, we still have a minute and a half to
my entire life! Or something about you that's Ross: It's no surprise that your winning, 'cause you got to go, and we're down by two points. Two points.... (she
mean! pick first, so you got the better team. gets interrupted by the guys, who are doing a
Monica: All right, come on guys, let's go! Tie Monica: You're so pathetic! Why can't you just accept it, slow-motion high five.) Phoebe you do a button-hook
score, and we're runnin' out of time. Forty-two!! we're winning because I'm better than you. again. Rachel, you go long.
Thirty-eight!! Hike! (the timer sounds as Monica (Ross makes a 'Yeah. Right.' sound.) Rachel: No! Come on! Don't make me go long. Use
throws the ball to Phoebe.) Monica: Oh, what a great argument, exhaling! All right, me. They never cover me.
Phoebe: Oh I got it!! (catches the ball) Oh! Ew! y'know what, I'll prove it to you, okay. I'll trade you Joey for Monica: Honey, there's a reason.
Broken boob! Ow! Rachel, and I'll still win the game. Rachel: God, I'm not lame, okay. I can do something.
Joey: Pheebs, run! Ross: What?! The guys against the girls? See, that's I can throw, would you let me throw, come on this is
Monica: Run, Phoebe, run! ridiculous Monica, because I'm only down by three my game too.
(Phoebe runs and scores a touchdown.) touchdowns. Phoebe: Come on Mon, let her throw the ball.
Phoebe: Touchdown!! Touchdown!! Monica: Oh, then bring it on! Oh, unless of course your Monica: All right Rachel, you sweep behind, I'll pitch it
Ross: Uh, hello, the buzzer buzzed. It doesn't afraid you might lose to a bunch of girls. to you, you throw it down field to Phoebe. All right.
count. Ross: Fine, fine, Rachel your with Monica, Joey you're with Break.
Monica: After the snap! me. Rachel: Thank you! Break!
Ross: Before the snap! Rachel: I can not believe your trading me!! Monica: Thirty-two! Seventy-one! Hike!
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(Phoebe snaps the ball to Monica, who pitches Brown Bird girl selling cookies, as Ross and Chandler come standing in the hallway.) Yesss?
back to Rachel.) up the stairs.] Ross: Hi, I'm selling Brown Bird cookies.
The Guys: One-Mississippi! Two-Mississippi! Sarah: So that's two boxes of the Holiday Macaroons. On Woman: You're no Brown Bird, I can see you through
Three-Mississippi! behalf of the Brown Birds of America, I salute you. (Does my peephole.
(They all rush toward Rachel, who panics and runs the Brown Bird salute, she blows on a bird call, then holds Ross: No, hi, I'm, I'm an honorary Brown Bird (does
away. She runs out of the park and up along the her hand, palm facing out, next to her face, and then the Brown Bird salute.)
fence, she then comes back into the park and runs waves it like a bird flapping it's wings.) Woman: What does that mean?
past Monica, as she gets to Monica, she throws the Ross: Just admit it Chandler, you have no backhand. Ross: Ah, well, it means that I can sell cookies, but I'm
ball at Monica, and it hits her in the eye.) Chandler: Excuse me little one, I have a very solid not invited to sleep-overs.
Rachel: I'm so sorry! Are you okay? backhand. Woman: I can dial 9-1-1 at the touch of a button,
Monica: No! I'm not okay! Ross: Shielding your face and shrieking like a girl... is not a y'know. Now, go away!
Rachel: I'm sorry, they were just all coming at me, backhand. Ross: No, please, please, um, it's for a poor little girl
and I didn't know what to do. Chandler: I was shrieking... like a Marine. who wants to go to Spacecamp more than anything in
Joey: (looking at the timer) Thirty seconds left on (they both start up the stairs.) the world.
the timer! Ross: All right here. Watch me execute the three 'P's of Woman: I'm pressing, a policeman is on his way.
Chandler: Okay, okay, so we get to take that championship play. Power. (swings the racquet) Precision. Ross: Okay, okay! I'm going. I'm going. (goes across
stupid troll thing home! (swings the racquet.) and penache. (does a backswing and the hall to knock on another door.)
Monica: Come on! Come on! Hurry! We're hits Sarah who's started up the stairs, knocking her down, Woman: I can still see you!
running out of time! Huddle up! they both watch in horror.) Ross: All right!!
Phoebe: Okay. Oooh! Oh, this is our last huddle, [Scene: Central Perk, the gang's all there discussing the [Scene: Joey's work, selling Christmas trees.]
yeah. incident.] Phoebe: (walking up to Joey) Hey.
Monica: All right, Phoebe get open. Rachel, go Monica: You broke a little girl's leg?!! Joey: Hey. What, what are you doing here?
long. Ross: I know. I feel horrible. Okay. Phoebe: Well, I-I thought a lot about what you said,
Rachel: (on the verge of tears) Okay. Chandler: (reading the paper) Says here that a muppet and um, I realilized duh, all right maybe I was a little
Monica: Break! got whacked on Seasame Street last night. (to Ross) Where judgmental. Yeah, (looks at the tree) oh, but oh...
(In slow motion, Phoebe snaps the ball, Rachel exactly were around ten-ish? Joey: Look now, Phoebe remember, hey, their just
goes long. Joey and Chandler and all over Phoebe, Ross: Well, I'm gonna go see her. I want to bring her fulfilling their Christmas....
leaving Rachel wide open. Ross starts to rush something, what do you think she'll like? Phoebe: Destiny.
Monica, who sees Phoebe is double covered, in Monica: Maybe a Hello Kitty doll, the ability to walk... Joey: Sure.
desperation she throws to Rachel. We see flying (Rachel starts to laugh, and Ross notices her.) Phoebe: Yes.
through the air, and then Rachel running Rachel: I'm gonna get back to retraining. (gets up) Joey: All right.
underneath it, then the ball, then Rachel again, Ross: All right, see you guys. (starts to leave) Phoebe: Okay. (One of Joey's co-workers, walks by
then the ball, then Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey Chandler: Look out kids, he's coming! (Ross continues to with a dead tree.) Yikes! That one doesn't look very
staring at it in shock. Then with the grace of Jerry leave with his head down in shame.) fulfilled.
Rice (no offense to Jerry Rice) , Rachel catches the Joey: And I gotta go sell some Christmas trees. Joey: Oh, that's, that's ah, one of the old ones, he's
ball, and she stops and spikes the ball. Both Phoebe: Have fun. Oh wait, no, don't! I forgot I am totally just taking it to the back.
Phoebe and Monica erupt in celebration.) against that now. Phoebe: You keep the old ones in the back, that is so
Rachel: (in triumph) I got a touchdown! We did Joey: What? Me having a job? ageist.
it!! Phoebe: No, no, I am against innocent trees being cut Joey: Well we have to make room for the fresh ones.
Chandler: Hey-hey-hey Rachel, funny thing. down in their prime, and their, their corpses grotesquely Phoebe: So, what happens to the old guys?
Actually, the ah, end zone starts at that pole, so dressed in like tinsel and twinkly lights. (to Joey) Hey, how Joey: Well, they go into the chipper.
you're five feet short, so we win! do you sleep at night? Phoebe: Why, do I have a feeling that's not as happy
Phoebe: Wait-wait-wait-wait! So, explain Joey: Well, I'm pretty tired from lugging the trees around as it sounds? (Joey points out one going into the
something to me though, if, if nobody tagged all day. Hey, Phoebe listen, you got this all wrong. Those chipper to her, as this haunty, demonic music starts to
Rachel, then isn't the play still going. trees were born to be Christmas trees, their fulfilling their play in the background) No! Nooooo!!! (she winces in
(they all start to dive for the ball and Monica and life purpose, by, by making people happy. horror and hides her face against Joey's shoulder, as
Ross grab it at the same time.) Phoebe: Really? she sees the tree spit out from the chipper.)
Ross: Let go! Let go! (Phoebe turns and looks at Monica, while Joey frantically Joey: (to the guy operating the chipper) Hey! Hey!!
Monica: Let go! I'm a tiny little woman!! motions to Chandler to help him out.) (makes the 'cut it' motion with his hands)
Chandler: Guys! Guys! Come on! It's Chandler: Yes. Yes, and ah, ah, the trees are happy too, [Scene: Central Perk, all except Phoebe are there, Ross
Thanksgiving, it's not important who wins or loses. because for most of them, it's the only chance to see New is telling the gang, minus Rachel who's still being
The important thing is, (to Joey) the Dutch girl York. retrained, about the different cookie options.]
picked me! Me! Not you! Holland loves Chandler! [cut to Gunther retraining Rachel.] Ross: ...and these come in the shapes of your
Thank you, Amsterdam! Good night!! Gunther: ...and after you've delivered the drinks, you take favourite Christmas characters, Santa, Rudolph, and
Monica: Ow!! the empty tray.... Baby Jesus.
Closing Credits Rachel: Gunther, Gunther, please, I've worked here for Joey: All right, I'll take a box of the cream filled
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel, Phoebe, two and a half years, I know the empty trays go over there. Jesus's.
Chandler, and Joey are eating Thanksgiving (points to the counter.) Ross: Wait a minute, one box! Come on, I'm trying to
dinner.] Gunther: What if you put them here. (sets the empty tray send a little girl to Spacecamp, I'm putting you down
Rachel: We should defiantly play football more on another stack of empty trays on the back counter.) for five boxes. Chandler, what about you?
often. Maybe there's a like league we could join or Rachel: Huh. Well, y'know that's actually a really good Chandler: Ahh, do you have any coconut flavoured
something. idea, because that way they'll be closer to the mugs. deities?
Phoebe: Isn't there a national football league. Y'know what, you should have the other waitresses do that Ross: No, but ah, there's coconut in the Hanukkah
Chandler: Yes. Yes, there is, they play on too. Menoreoes. I tell you what, I'll put you down for eight
Sundays and Monday nights. Gunther: They already do. That's why they call it the 'tray boxes, one for each night.
Rachel: Oh shoot! I work Monday nights. spot.' (Chandler mouths 'Okay.')
Phoebe: Umm, this stuffing is amazing. Do you Rachel: Gee, I always heard them talk about that, I just Ross: Mon?
think we should bring them some? always thought that it was a club they went to. Oh God, I'm, Monica: All right, I'll take one box of the mint
Joey: When they're hungry enough, they'll come I'm sorry. (walks away) treasures, just one, and that's it. I-I started gaining
in. Gunther: It's all right. Sweetheart. weight after I joined the Brown Birds. (to Ross)
[Scene: The park, it's dark outside and Monica and [Scene: Sarah's bedroom, her room is decorated with a Remember, how Dad bought all my boxes and I ate
Ross are still fighting over the ball.] space motif.] them all?
Monica: Let go! Ross: So, this must be kinda neat for ya, huh? I mean, Ross: Ah, no Mon, Dad had to buy everyone of your
Ross: No! You let go! your Dad tells me that you get a couple of days off school, boxes because you ate them all. But ah, y'know I'm
Monica: No! and you, you ah, don't have to sell those cookies anymore. sure that's not gonna happen this time, why don't I put
Ross: How come it's always us left in the field Sarah: Well, I kinda wanted to sell the cookies. The girl you down for three of the mint treasures and just a
holding the ball? who sells the most wins a trip to Spacecamp, and gets to sit couple of the Rudolph's.
Monica: I don't know. I guess the other people in a real space shuttle. Monica: No.
just don't care enough. Ross: Wow, you ah, you really like all this space stuff, huh? Ross: Oh, come on, now you know you want 'em.
(It starts snowing.) Sarah: Yeah. My Dad says if I spend as much time helping Monica: Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't do this.
Ross: Hey! It's starting to snow. him clean apartments, as I do daydreaming about outer Ross: I'll tell you what Mon, I'll give you the first box
(They both look up, and watch it start to snow. space, he'd be able to afford a trip to the Taj Mahal. for free.
Then they both start fighting for the ball again.) Ross: I think you would have to clean a whole lot of Monica: (she reaches out for it and stops) Oh God! I
Ross: Gimme the this! apartments to go all the way to India. gotta go! (runs out)
Monica: Let go! Sarah: No. The one in Atlantic City, Dad loves the slots. He Ross: Come on! All the cool kids are eating 'em!
End says he's gonna double the college money my Grandma left (chases after her.)
me. [cut to Gunther retraining Rachel.]
310 The One Where Rachel Quits Ross: Huh. Well, good luck to Dad. Say, how many more Gunther: And when you have a second later, I wanna
boxes would you have to sell in order to win? show you why we don't just trap spiders under coffee
Sarah: The girl who won last year sold four hundred and mugs and leave them there.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Rachel are seventy-five. Rachel: (sitting down next to Chandler) I'm training to
sitting on the couch.] Ross: Yeah. be better at a job that I hate, my life officially sucks.
Chandler: (reading the comics) Eh..., I don't, I Sarah: So far, I've sold seventy-five. Joey: Look Rach, wasn't this supposed to a temporary
don't know. Ross: Four hundred, huh? Well, that sounds do-able. thing? I thought you wanted to do fashion stuff?
Rachel: What? (starts to get out his wallet) How much are the boxes? Rachel: Well, yeah! I'm still pursuing that.
Chandler: Well, as old as he is in dog years, do Sarah: Five dollars a box. Chandler: How... exactly are you pursuing that?
you think Snoopy should still be allowed to fly this Ross: (puts away his wallet) And what is second prize? Y'know other than sending out resumes like what, two
thing? Sarah: A ten speed bike. But, I'd rather have something years ago?
Gunther: Rachel? my Dad couldn't sell. Rachel: Well, I'm also sending out.... good thoughts.
Rachel: Yeah. Ross: Well, that makes sense. Joey: If you ask me, as long as you got this job, you've
Gunther: Do you remember when you first came Sarah: Could you do me one favor, if it's not too much got nothing pushing you to get another one. You need
here, how you spent two weeks getting trained by trouble? the fear.
another waitress? Ross: Yeah, Sarah, anything. Rachel: The fear?
Rachel: Oh, sure! Do you need me to train Sarah: Could you pull open the curtains for me? The Chandler: He's right, if you quit this job, you then
somebody new? astronauts from the space shuttle are gonna be on the have motivation to go after a job you really want.
Gunther: (laughs) Good one. Actually, ah, Terry news, and since we don't have a TV, the lady across the Rachel: Well then how come you're still at a job that
wants you to take the training again, whenever. alley said she'd push hers up to a window, so I could watch you hate, I mean why don't you quit and get 'the fear'?
Rachel: (to Chandler) Eh, do you believe that? it. (Chandler and Joey both laugh)
Chandler: (thinks about it) Yeah? [Scene: A hallway, Ross is selling Brown Bird cookies for Chandler: Because, I'm too afraid.
Opening Credits Sarah, he stops and knocks on a door.] Rachel: I don't know, I mean I would give anything to
[Scene: The hallway of Ross's building, there is a Woman: (looking through her peephole, we see Ross work for a designer, y'know, or a buyer.... Oh, I just
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don't want to be 30 and still work here. so it can fulfil it's Christmas destiny, otherwise there gonna so your gonna use two bags instead of one, see. Now
Chandler: Yeah, that'd be much worse than being throw it into the chipper. Tell him, Joey pay attention, 'cause this part's tricky, see some people
28, and still working here. Joey: Yeah, the ah, trees that don't fulfil their Christmas use filters just once.
Gunther: Rachel? destiny are thrown in the chipper. Closing Credits
Rachel: Yeah. Guy: I-I think I'm gonna look around a little bit more. [Scene: The hallway between the apartments, Ross is
Gunther: Remind me to review with you which Joey: Pheebs, you gotta stop this, I working on bringing Sarah to Joey and Chandler's.]
pot is decaf and which is regular. commission here. Ross: I'm, I'm sorry you didn't get to go to Spacecamp,
Rachel: Can't I just look at the handles on them? Monica: (entering) Hey, guys. I'm here to pick out my and I'm hoping that maybe somehow, this may make
Gunther: You would think. Christmas tree. up for it. Presenting Sarah Tuttle's Private Very Special
Rachel: Okay, fine. Gunther, y'know what, I am a Phoebe: Well look no further, (shows her the dead one) Spacecamp!! (opens the door and Chandler and Joey
terrible waitress, do you know why I'm a terrible this one's yours! Ahhh. jump up, their apartment is decorated like outer space,
waitress? Because, I don't care. I don't care. I Monica: Is this the one that I threw out last year? one of the leather chairs is covered in tinfoil.)
don't care which pot is regular and which pot is Phoebe: All right y'know what, nevermind! Everyone Sarah: Really Mr. Geller, you don't have to do this.
decaf, I don't care where the tray spot is, I just wants to have a green one! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't Ross: Oh come on! Here we go! (picks her up and puts
don't care, this is not what I want to do. So I don't mean to get so emotional, I guess it's just the holidays, it's her in the chair) Stand by for mission countdown!
think I should do it anymore. I'm gonna give you hard. Joey: (simulating an echo) Ten, ten.., nine, nine,
my weeks notice. Monica: Oh honey, is that 'cause your Mom died around nine...., eight, eight, eight... (Chandler hits him in the
Gunther: What?! Christmas? back of the head) Okay, Blast off!
Rachel: Gunther, I quit. Phoebe: Oh, I wasn't even thinking about that. (They start shaking the chair likes it's flying into outer
Chandler: (to Joey) Does this mean we're gonna Monica: Oh. (turns and looks at Joey, who gives a space. Ross picks up a soccer ball and starts spinning it
have to start paying for coffee? (Joey shrugs his 'way-to-go' thumbs up and smile.) in his hand and runs around the chair beeping like a
shoulders.) [Scene: A Brown Bird meeting, Ross is there with the other satellite. Chandler also starts running around the chair
Commercial Break Brown Birds to see who won the contest.] and saying...)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is entering Ross: (to the girl sitting next to him) Hi there. How many, Chandler: I'm an alien. I'm an alien.
numbers on a calculator as Ross reads off how how many ah, did you sell? Ross: Oh no! An asteroid! (throws the soccer ball off
much he's sold.] Girl: I'm not gonna tell you! You're the bad man who broke the back of Joey's head.)
Ross: ....and 12, 22, 18, four... (Chandler starts Sarah's leg. (The camera zooms in on Sarah and she has a big
laughing) What? Ross: Hey now! That was an accident, okay. smile on her face.)
Chandler: I spelled out boobies. Girl: You're a big scrud. End
Monica: (comes up and starts looking through Ross: What's a scrud?
Ross's cookie supply) Ross, but me down for Girl: Why don't you look in the mirror, scrud.
another box of the mint treasures, okay. Where, Ross: I don't have too. I can just look at you. 311 The One Where Chandler Can't Remember
where are the mint treasures? Leader: All right girls, and man. Let's see your final tallies. Which Sister
Ross: Ah, we're out. I sold them all. (all the girls raise their hands) Ohhhh, Debbie, (looks at her
Monica: What? form) 321 boxes of cookies, (to Debbie) Very nice.
Ross: Monica, I'm cutting you off. Ross: (to himself) Not nice enough. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, Ross,
Monica: No. No, just, just, just a couple more Leader: Charla, 278. Sorry, dear, but still good. Joey, and Rachel are there, Joey is demonstrating a
boxes. It-it-it's no big deal, all right, I'm-I'm cool. Ross: (to himself) Good for a scrud. card trick.]
You gotta help me out with a couple more boxes! Leader: Oh, yes Elizabeth. Ah, 871. Joey: Okay, pick a card, any card. (Monica picks one)
Ross: Mon, look at yourself. You have cookie on Ross: That's crap!! Sister Brown Bird. (to Elizabeth) Good All right, now memorize it. Show to everybody. Got it?
your neck. going. (does the salute) Monica: Um-mm.
Monica: (covers her neck) Oh God! (runs to the Leader: Who's next? (goes over and stands behind Ross, Joey: All right, give it back to me. (takes the card back,
bathroom) who's feverishly writing on his form, and clears her throat but he looks at the card before he puts it back in the
Chandler: So, how many have you sold so far? to get his attention.) deck, he holds the deck to his forehead, and thinks a
Ross: Check this out. Five hundred and seventeen Ross: Hi there! little while) 5 of hearts.
boxes! Leader: Hi. And batting for Sarah, Ross Geller, 872. (Monica is sarcastically amazed.)
Chandler: Oh my God, how did you do that? Although, it looks like you bought an awful lot of cookies Ross: Real magic does exist.
Ross: Okay, the other night I was leaving the yourself. Rachel: Wow.
museum just as 'Laser Floyd' was letting out of the Ross: Um, that is because my doctor says that I have a Monica: Wow. Joey, (sarcastically) how do you do it?
planetarium, without even trying I sold 50 boxes! very serious.... nuget.... diffency. Joey: I can't tell you that, no.
That's when it occurred to me, the key to my [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross are (We hear some knocking coming from the ceiling.)
success, 'the munchies.' So I ah, started hitting the there.] Ross: Ah, somebody's at the door on the ceiling.
NYU dorms around midnight. I am selling cookies Chandler: Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross. Rachel: Noo, that's our unbelievably loud upstairs
by the case. They call me: 'Cookie Dude!' Ross: Well, I lost. Some little girl loaned her uniform to her neighbor.
Rachel: (entering) Okay, stop what you're doing, nineteen year old sister, who went down to the U.S.S. Monica: He took up the carpet, and now you can hear
I need envelope stuffers, I need stamp lickers..... Nimitz, and sold over 2,000 boxes. everything.
Ross: Well hey, who did these resumes for ya? Chandler: (to Rachel, who's entering) Hey! How'd the Phoebe: Why don't you go up there and ask him to
Chandler: Me! On my computer. interview go? 'step lightly, please?'
Ross: Well you sure used a large font. Rachel: Oh, I blew it. I wouldn't of even hired me. Monica: I have like five times, but the guy is so
Chandler: Eh, yeah, well ah, waitress at a coffee Ross: Oh, come here sweetie, listen, you're gonna go on charming, that I go up there to yell and then I end up
shop and cheer squad co-captain only took up so like a thousand interviews before you get a job. (she glares apologizing to him.
much room. at him) That's not how that was supposed to come out. Phoebe: Ooh, that is silly. (gets up) I'll go up there, I'll
Rachel: Hey-hey-hey that's funny! Your funny Phoebe: This is the worst Christmas ever. tell him to keep it down.
Chandler! Your a funny guy! You wanna know Chandler: Y'know what Rach, maybe you should just, Monica: All right, be my guest.
what else is really funny?! y'know stay here at the coffee house. Rachel: Good luck.
Chandler: Something else I might have said? Rachel: I can't! It's too late! Terry already hired that girl (Phoebe exits)
Rachel: I don't know, I don't know, weren't you over there. (points to her) Look at her, she's even got Joey: All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, you
the guy that told me to quit my job when I had waitress experience. Last night she was teaching really wanna know how I did it, I'll show ya. When you
absolutely nothing else to do. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!! everybody how to make napkin.... (starts to cry) swans. handed me back the card, what you didn't see was, I
Ross: Sweetie, calm down, it's gonna be okay. Ross: That word was swans. looked at it so fast that it was invisible to the naked eye.
Rachel: No, it's not gonna be okay Ross, [Scene: The hallway between the two apartments, (picks up a card and quickly looks at it) I just did it.
tomorrow is my last day, and I don't have a lead. Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are coming up the (does it again) I just did it, again. Here, I'll slow it
Okay, y'know what, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna stairs.] down so that you guys can see it. (looks and the card
call Gunther and I'm gonna tell him, I'm not Chandler: Well seeing that drunk Santa wet himself, really in slow motion)
quitting. perked up my Christmas. All: Oh, I got it.
Chandler: You-you-you don't wanna give into the (They start to go into Monica and Rachel's, their apartment (We hear Phoebe knock at the door upstairs, and the
fear. is filled with all of the old Christmas trees from Joey's guy answer it.)
Rachel: You and your stupid fear. I hate your fear. work.) Phoebe: (muffled through the floor) Yeah, look I was
I would like to take you and your fear.... Phoebe: Oh! Oh my God! with my friend downstairs and we hear everything up
Joey: (entering, interrupting Rachel) Hey! I got Joey and Monica: (jumping up from behind the couch) here that you do, and I am sick and tired... (I tired but
great news! Merry Christmas!! the rest is unintelligible) .
Chandler: Run, Joey! Run for your life! (runs out) Phoebe: You saved them! You guys! Oh God, you're the Guy: (muffled) Whoa, you are very beautiful.
Joey: What? Rachel, listen, have you ever heard best! Phoebe: (muffled) Oh, thank you.
of Fortunata Fashions? Chandler: It's like 'Night of the Living Dead Christmas Opening Credits
Rachel: No. Trees.' [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]
Joey: Well my old man is doing a plumbing job (phone rings) Chandler: (entering) Hey, anybody got a length of
down there and he heard they have an opening. Rachel: (answering the phone) Hello? (listens) Yeah, this rope about six feet long with a little nouse at the end?
So, you want me to see if I can get you an is she. (listens) Oh! You're kidding! You're kidding! (listens) Monica: Honey, what's the matter?
interview? Oh thank you! I love you! Chandler: I just saw Janice.
Rachel: Oh my God! Yes, I would love that, oh, Chandler: Sure, everybody loves a kidder. All: Oh.
that is soo sweet, Joey. Rachel: (hanging up the phone) I got the job! Chandler: Yeah, she was at Rockefeller Center skating
Joey: Not a problem. All: That's great! Hey! Excellent! with her husband, she looked so happy. I almost feel
Rachel: Thanks. Phoebe: Oh, God bless us, everyone. bad for whipping that kid's pretzel at them.
Joey: And now for the great news. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving her last cup of Joey: Man, I remember the first time I saw that girl
Ross: What, that wasn't the great news? coffee.] Katherine, after we broke up. She was just walking
Joey: Only if you think it's better than this... Rachel: Here we go. I'm serving my last cup of coffee. with her friend Donna, just laughing and talking. God,
(holds up an aerosol can) snow-in-a-can!! I got it (the gang starts humming the graduation theme) There it killed me.
at work. Mon, you want me to decorate the you go. (hands it to Chandler) Enjoy. (they all cheer) Chandler: Yes, but you ended up having sex with both
window, give it a kind of Christmas lookie. Chandler: (to Ross) Should I tell her I ordered tea? of them that afternoon.
Monica: Christmas cookie? Ross: No. Joey: Sorry, I just, any excuse to tell that story
[Scene: Joey work, Joey is showing a guy a tree.] Rachel: Um, excuse me, everyone. Ah, this is my last night y'know....
Joey: Okay, and ah, this one here is a Douglas Fir, working here, and I ah, just wanted say that I made some Ross: Hey Chandler, there's a party tomorrow, you'll
now it's a little more money, but you get a nicer really good friends working here, and ah, it's just time to feel better then.
smell. move on. (at the counter Gunther starts to cry and runs Chandler: Oh, y'know what, I'm gonna be okay, you
Guy: Looks good. I'll take it. into the back room) Ah, and no offence to everybody who don't have to throw a party for me.
Phoebe: (running up carrying a tree) Wait, wait, ah, still works here, you have no idea how good it feels to Monica: It's Joey's birthday.
wait, wait, wait! No, no, you don't want that one. say that as of this moment I will never have to make coffee Chandler: Oh, well then, if anybody should have a
No, you can have this cool brown one. (points to again. party it should be him.
the almost dead tree she has) [Scene: Rachel's new job, Rachel's boss is telling her what (We hear Phoebe's muffled voice through the ceiling.)
Guy: It's-it's-it's almost dead! to do.] Monica: Sush!! I cannot believe she is still up there.
Phoebe: Okay but that's why you have to buy it, Rachel's Boss: Now Mr. Kaplan Sr. likes his coffee strong, (We hear the guy telling a joke, and Phoebe laughing.)
Joey: (lying on a beach towel, recapping what Phoebe: I-I mean I, well I think I can figure it out. I guess Ross: Okay. (He leans in to kiss her again, but she
happened in the last episode) Okay, so we went to y'know I was born, and everyone started lying their asses leans back preventing him from making contact.) Wow,
the beach, because Phoebe found out about this off! it’s-it’s 5:30 in the morning. (Rachel laughs) So, I’d
lady who knew her mom and dad, and I don’t better get cracking on this baby.
really know what happened with that. Phoebe Sr.: Noo! No! It wasn’t like that I... Remember
how I told you how Lily, Frank, and I we were, we were Rachel: Well, I’ll be waiting for you, just come up
[cut to Phoebe Sr.’s house, from the last episode] close. Well, we were, we were very close. when you’re done.
Phoebe Sr.: (to Phoebe) I’m your mother. Phoebe: How close? Ross: Okay, I’ll be up in, (looks at the letter) 18 pages.
Front and back. Very exciting.
Phoebe: Ehh? Phoebe Sr.: Well, the-the three of us we were, kind of
umm, a couple. [Scene: The beach house, the next morning. Ross is
[cut to Monica opening the door of the beach passed out on the kitchen counter. He wakes up with a
house, with Chandler trying to pick her up for a Phoebe: I don’t even know how that would work! start and has one of the pages of the letter stuck to his
date.] face.]
Phoebe Sr.: Well, we were...
Joey: (voice-over) Oh, and then Monica joked that Ross: Oh. (looks at his watch) Oh-oh. (takes a drink of
she wouldn’t go out with a guy like Chandler... Phoebe: (interrupting) I’m not asking! coffee and resumes reading the letter)
Chandler: (to Monica) (in a funny voice) Hi there. Phoebe Sr.: Well, any how, some how I got pregnant, and, Rachel: (coming down the stairs) Hey! (Ross jumps
(Monica turns her head away in disgust) and I was scared. I was stupid and sellfish, and I was 18 up, and quickly puts the letter back together,
years old. I mean, you remember what it’s like to be pretending like he has just finished it.) What happened
Joey: (voice-over) ...and he couldn’t let it go, eighteen years old? to you? Why didn’t you come up?
and... I don’t really know what happened with that
either. Phoebe: Yeah. Let’s see, my had Mom killed herself, and Ross: Done!
my Dad had run off, and I was living in a Gremlin with a
[cut to a montage of scenes involving Bonnie, Ross, guy named Cindy who talked to his hand. Rachel: You just finished?
and Rachel from the last episode.]
Phoebe Sr.: Well, I’m so sorry. I thought I was leaving Ross: Well, I wanted to be thorough. I mean this-this
Joey: (voice-over) Oh-oh! And then Ross’s new you with the best parents in the world, I didn’t even hear is clearly very, very important to you, to us! And so I
girlfriend, Bonnie, shows up and Rachel convinced about your Mom and Dad til a couple of years ago, and by wanted to read every word carefully, twice!
her to save her head. And then Ross and Rachel then you were already grown up. I don’t know, you’re here,
kiss, and now Ross has to choose between Rachel and I would, I would really, I would like to get to know you. Rachel: So umm, does it?
and the bald girl and I don’t know what happened
there either... Phoebe: Yeah, well, everybody does! I’m a really cool Ross: I’m sorry.
person. And y'know you had 29 years to find that out, but
[cut back to Joey on the beach towel] you didn’t even try! Y'know what, you walked out on me, Rachel: Does it?
and I’m just, I’m gonna do the same thing to you.
Joey: Y'know what, hold on, let me go get Ross: Does it? Does it? Yeah, I wanted to give that
Chandler. (gets up and leaves.) Phoebe Sr.: Wait! whole ‘Does it?’ part just another glance.
[Scene: The beach house, it’s the same scene from Phoebe: I don’t ever want to see you again! Rachel: What are you talking about, Ross, you just
the end of last year, with Ross in front of the two said that you read it twice! Look, y'know what, either it
doors of Rachel’s and Bonnie’s rooms, trying to (She walks out and slams the door.) does or it doesn’t, and if you have to even think about
decide which door to choose. He finally chooses it...
the one his right and goes in.] Phoebe: (walking back in with her hand over her eyes.)
Umm, where’s my purse? Ross: (interrupting) No, Rach, no. I don’t, I don’t, I
Ross: (surprised) Hi! don’t have to think about it, in fact, I’ve decided, I’ve
Rachel and Bonnie: Hi! [Scene: The beach house, Joey and Chandler are sitting at decided that, that it.......does.
the dinner table, Monica is looking in the fridge.]
Bonnie: Rachel was just helping me out. My head (Rachel stands there for a moment, starting to cry.
got all sunburned. Monica: (closing the fridge in disgust) Shoot! We’re out of Then gasps and runs over and hugs him. While
soda. hugging her, Ross tries to find the ‘Does it?’ part in the
Ross: Awww. letter.)
Chandler: (jumping up) Oh, I’ll go out and get you some.
Bonnie: (to Rachel) Thanks a million. Rachel: Are you sure?
Monica: Really?!
Rachel: Oh, you’re welcome a million. Ross: Oh, sure! I’m sure.
Joey: Don’t blame me, I saw it on The Discovery Ursula: No, I umm, I read about her in Mom’s suicide note. Joey: That’s right I stepped up! She’s my friend and
Channel. she needed help! And if I had too, I’d pee on anyone of
Phoebe: There-there was a suicide note?! (Ursula nods you! Only, uhh, I couldn’t. I got the stage fright. I
Chandler: Y'know what, he’s right. There’s ‘Yes.’) Well, do you still have it? wanted to help, but there was too much pressure.
something like uh, ammonia in that, that like kills So-so I uh, I turned to Chandler.
the pain. Ursula: (disgusted) Hang on. (She goes into her
apartment and slams the door in Phoebe’s face.) Chandler: (wails loudly into his hands) Joey kept
Monica: Well forget it! It doesn’t hurt that (tries screaming at me, “Do it now! Do it!! Do it! Do it now!!”
to take a step) baaad!!!! Phoebe: I can’t believe you didn’t tell me there was a Sometimes late at night I can still here the screaming.
suicide note!
Joey: If you want some privacy you can use my Joey: (laughs) That’s ‘cause sometimes I just do it
hole. Ursula: Yeah. So how have you been doing? through my wall to freak you out.
[Scene: The beach house, Phoebe is coming down Phoebe: I, umm, shut up! [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is finishing up a song.]
the stairs all packed and ready to go.]
(Ursula opens the door and hands her the note.) Phoebe: (singing) “...fuchsia and mauvvve. Those are
Phoebe: Well, I’m ready to get the hell out of the 66 colours of my bedroommmm.” (applause)
here! (Sees Ross and Rachel cuddling on the Phoebe: (reading from the note) “Good-bye Phoebe and Thank you, thank you. Ohh, and I invite you to count
couch.) Oh. Are you? Are you?!! (they nod ‘Yes.’) Ursula. I’ll miss you. P.S. Your Mom lives in Montauk.” You the colours in your bedroom. (Sees that Phoebe Sr. has
Ohh! That’s so great!! Ooh, not for Bonnie. (they just wrote this! entered, and to her) Except for you. You go away.
nod ‘No.’) But for you, yay! Ohh.
Ursula: Well, it’s pretty much the gist. Well, except for the Phoebe Sr.: I’ll go in a second, I-I just wanted to tell
(The rest of the gang arrives with their heads poem. You read the poem, right? you that there hasn’t been a day where I didn’t regret
down in shame.) giving you up.
Phoebe: Noooo!!
Ross: Hey! Phoebe: Okay, bye.
Ursula: All right, hang on! (She takes the note, goes back
Rachel: How was the beach? into her apartment and slams the door shut.) Phoebe Sr.: No, I’m not done. I-I-I just want you to
know that I, the reason I didn’t look you up was, well I
Monica: Nothing, I don’t know. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, and Joey was afraid that you’d react, just well like, the way, the
are sitting at the table eating dinner and not talking. Ross way you’re reacting right now, and can’t we just,
Ross: What happened? and Rachel are outside cuddling on the balcony.] y'know, start from here?
Monica: Nothing. I’m gonna take a shower. Monica: Pass the cheese, please. Phoebe: No.
Chandler: Me too!! (Joey hands her the cheese without looking at her.) Phoebe Sr.: Sorry. But just one last thing. Y'know you
came looking for family. I’m family, I’m it. Now, now
Joey: Me too. Monica: My God, you can’t even look at me! Can you? I’m done. (starts to leave)
Phoebe: Okay, I’m gonna put this (her suitcase) Joey: Nope. Phoebe: But, it’s not like we’re losing anything.
in the car. Y'know?
(Phoebe enters.)
Rachel: Ooh, I have to go pack. (Gets up to do so.) Phoebe Sr.: Yeah, I guess you’re right.
It really does? Chandler: (jumping up) Hey! Phoebe! We can talk to
Phoebe!! Phoebe: It’s not like we-we know each other or
Ross: It does. It really and truly does. anything. Or that have anything in common.
Phoebe: No. I’m-I’m to depressed to talk.
(Rachel kisses him, and goes upstairs. After she’s Phoebe Sr.: Well, I don’t know. I mean it’s not like we
gone, Ross frantically tries to find and read the Chandler: I’ll give you a thousand dollars to talk to us. don’t have anything in common. I mean I like uh,
‘Does it?’ part.) pizza.
Ross: (coming back in with Rachel) Hey, you guys! What
Ross: (finding the part) (looks up in disgust) It so do you, what do you think about making that beach trip an Phoebe: I-I like pizza!
does not!!! annual thing?
Phoebe Sr.: You do?! Wait, I like umm, the Beetles.
Phoebe Sr.: Hey! Me too! Phoebe: Oh my God, you guys are selling the
402 The One With The Cat entertainment center?
Phoebe: All right, stop it. Now you’re just doing it [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is eating breakfast as
to freak me out. Chandler comes out of his bedroom, ripping his coat in the Rachel: Why? I love that thing.
process.]
[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom. Ross and Rachel have Chandler: You want it?
just finished consummating the new relationship.] Chandler: Wow! That ripped! That ripped real nice!
Phoebe and Rachel: Oh no.
Rachel: Oh-hooo, I missed you. Joey: How many times do I have to tell you! Ya, turn and
sliiiide! Y'know, turn and slide. Chandler: Ahh, Gepeto, $5,000 dollars? Are you
Ross: I missed you too. insane?
Chandler: You don’t turn and slide, you throw it out! I’m
Rachel: Ooh, I was soo nervous about that letter. tired of having to get a tetanus shot every time I get Joey: Hey, the ad alone cost 300 bucks!
But the way you owned up to everything, it just dressed!
showed me how much you’ve grown. Y'know? Chandler: All right look, I’m changing it to 50 bucks,
Joey: Look, we’re not throwing it out! I built this thing with or your best offer.
Ross: (getting miffed) I suppose. my own hands!
Joey: What kind of profit is that?! And you call yourself
Rachel: You have! Ross, you should give yourself Chandler: All right, how about we, how ‘bout we sell it. an accountant.
credit. I mean my Mom never thought this would
work out. It was all, “Once a cheater, always a Joey: All right. But, you’re gonna have to tell them. (He Chandler: (looks at him) Nooo.
cheater.” opens the cabinet to reveal the chick and the duck living
inside with Christmas lights and a disco ball as decorations.) Joey: Oh. What do you do?
Ross: (getting angry) Umm-hmm.
Chandler: (nods his head) Do you mind if we stick you in Chandler: I can’t believe you don’t know what I do for
Rachel: Ooh, I just wish we hadn’t lost those four another cabinet? (to Joey) They seem all right with it! a living!
months, but if time was what you needed just to
gain a little perspective... OPENING CREDITS Phoebe: Yeah, I actually don’t know...
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are there.
[cut to Monica cleaning the floor in the kitchen] Monica is checking the messages.] Ross: Good, so do I
Ross: (yelling from the bedroom) WE WERE ON A Chip: (on machine) Hey Monica, it’s Chip. Rachel: Something to do with numbers?
BREAK!!!!!!!
Monica: Yesss!! [Cut to someone entering Central Perk which lets a cat
Chandler: (entering with Joey) (to Monica) in. The cat then runs over to Phoebe’s guitar case and
Coffee house? Ross: Who’s Chip? starts sniffing around.]
Monica: You bet. Monica: Shhh! Phoebe: Oh my God! No! Shoo! Kitty! No! No-no-no!
Shoo! Come on, you! (goes over and picks up the cat)
[cut back to Rachel’s bedroom with both of them Chip: (on machine) Good runnin’ into you at the bank Come on. Crazy. (looks into the cat’s eyes) Oh my God.
hurriedly getting dressed] today, so ah, here’s my number, 555-9323. Give me a call.
Later. Rachel: What?
Ross: And for the record, it took two people to
break up this relationship!! Monica: Chip, is Chip Matthews. Phoebe: Nothing. Nothing.
Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy Ross: The guy who took Rachel to the prom? Why is he Joey: What? What’s wrong?
place, which yesterday you took full responsibility calling you?
for!! Phoebe: I just, I just have this really strong feeling
Monica: ‘Cause I ran into him at the bank, he is still soo that this cat is my Mother.
Ross: I didn’t know what I was taking full cute.
responsibility for! Okay?! I didn’t finish the whole Rachel: You mean the mom you met in Montauk. She
letter! Ross: Monica, you’re so lucky! He’s like the most popular was a cat?!
guy in school!!
Rachel: What?!! Phoebe: No, no-no, she was a human lady. This is
Monica: I know!! (calls him) (on phone) Chip? Hi! It’s the spirit of my Mom Lily, the one who killed herself.
Ross: I fell asleep! Monica. (listens) ‘Kay. (listens) ‘Kay. (listens) Okay. (listens)
Okay, good-bye. (hangs up) Oh my God, we just had the Ross: Are you sure she’s in the cat, or have you been
Rachel: You fell asleep?! best conversation!! (goes into her room as Rachel enters) taking your grandma’s glycoma medicine again?
Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had Ross: (to Rachel) I was just leaving. Phoebe: No Dr. Skeptismo! I’m sure. First of all, okay,
rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! (they there’s the feeling. (Chandler shrugs) Okay, and for
go into the living room, trapping Monica, Chandler, Rachel: Good! ‘Cause I’ve got a product report to read, it’s another, how about the fact that she went into my
and Joey in the kitchen) (to Rachel) Oh-oh-oh, and like eight pages, I hope I don’t fall asleep. guitar case which is lined with orange felt. (Rachel
by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means ‘you nods her head in unsure agreement) My Mother’s
are,’ Y-O-U-R means ‘your!’ Ross: Why? Did you write it? favourite fish is Orange Roughy... (Joey thinks he
understands, but then nods that he has no clue.)
Rachel: Y'know I can’t believe I even thought Rachel: (sees Chip’s phone number) Wow! Look at that, Cats....like....fish! (Ross and Rachel are totally lost) (to
about getting back together again! We are so Chip Matthews called. I wonder what he wants? the cat) Hi, Mommy. (Rachel covers her mouth, in an
over!! “Oh my God.” gesture) Oh, I haven’t seen this smile in
Ross: Well ah, actually... 17 years!
Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the
door and traps Chandler behind it) Rachel: (interrupting) I bet he sensed that I was ready to Joey: (to Chandler) Dude, Phoebe’s mom has got a
have sex with another guy. huge peni...
Rachel: Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those little
spelling tips will come in handy when you’re at Ross: Well, umm, why don’t you give him a call? Chandler: (interrupting) Let it go!!
home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with
Monica!! Rachel: Okay. (picks up phone) Are you sure you wanna [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is working as
hear this? Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey!!
Ross: Oh, I’m sure. Monica: Hey!
Rachel: (to Monica) Sorry!! (to Ross) I just feel
bad about all that sleep you’re gonna miss wishing Rachel: (on phone) Chip! Hi, it’s Rachel. (listens) Rachel Rachel: Umm, when were you gonna tell me that
you were with me! Green. Yeah, umm, you left me a message. (listens) Yes you’re going out with Chip Matthews?
you did, my roommate wrote it down. (listens) Monica
Ross: Oh, no-no-no don’t you worry about me Geller. (listens) Ohh. Monica: Now? Is it okay if I go out with Chip
falling asleep. I still have your letter!!! Matthews?
Ross: (whispering in her ear) Oh, that’s right! He called to
Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, it’s not that ask out Monica! That-that’s gotta be embarrassing! Rachel: Nooo! It’s not okay! I can’t believe you would
common! It doesn’t happen to every guy! And it want to after what he did to me!
is a big deal!! [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is finishing up a song.]
Monica: What, that little thing at the prom?
Chandler: I KNEW IT!!!! Phoebe: (screaming, angrily) ...DUMB, DRUNKEN,
BITCH!!! (applause) (happily) Thank you, thanks. Rachel: Monica! I couldn’t find him for two hours! He
Ross: Yeah. Joey: We broke down on the Parkway, so I have to Chandler: Yeah. Yes! Yeah.
walk back and get some transmission fluid. And
Monica: He used to lock himself in the basement hey, listen could you please tell Kathy that I'll be (Kathy leaves and Chandler groans in agony.
for hours. No one was every allowed to hear, "The there as soon as I can. Kathy knocks on the door and Chandler opens it.)
Sound."
Chandler: Why can't you tell her? Kathy: I forgot my purse.
Phoebe: I wanna hear "The Sound."
Joey: 'Cause I only have one quarter, and I think Chandler: Oh.
Ross: Really? No. I mean, nah, I haven't played in my time is about to -- (he stops talking suddenly)
so long, and-and, well it's-it's really personal stuff, (They kiss, passionately.)
y'know? Chandler: Joey! Joey!!
Kathy: No, I really did forget my purse.
Phoebe: Come on, play that funky music white Joey: Yeah?
boy. (They kiss again.)
Chandler: I thought your time ran out.
Monica: Yeah! Commercial Break
Joey: Me too, but I guess I do have a couple of
Ross: No, you guys, I mean my keyboards are all more -- (his time runs out for real) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, continued from
the way up in -- No, yeah, okay. (Runs out.) earlier. Chandler and Kathy are still kissing, then
Chandler: (to Kathy) Uhh, that was Joey. He's they stop suddenly.]
[Cut to later that same day, Ross has retrieved his running a little late, he says he's sorry.
keyboard and is about to debut, "The Sound."] Chandler: No-no-no-no, this is bad! It's bad! This
Kathy: Oh. is bad!
Ross: Okay, guys.
Chandler: So I guess it's just uh, you and me then. Kathy: Horrible!
Chandler: All right! Bring it on, you...
Kathy: Oh, okay. Chandler: Wait the uh, the kiss or the situation?
Ross: Here we go. (Plays one note) Y'know,
I've-I've never played my stuff for anyone before, Chandler: Yeah, I think it is! Kathy: No-no-no, the kiss was good.
so it's important that-that you understand it's
about communicating very private emotions. Kathy: So what did you do today? Chandler: Okay!
(Plays another note) Y'know, umm, you
should-you should think of umm, my work as Chandler: Oh, I had an appointment to get my Kathy: No, but that's bad!
wordless sound poems. That's what I'm... haircut...
Chandler: Ooh! Yes! Okay! Here's what we do,
Chandler: (interrupting) Oh my God! Play! Kathy: (interrupting) Oh, it looks great! we-we forget it happened.
(Ross starts to play. He plays a key that has a back Chandler: ...and then it got canceled. Kathy: What?!
beat sound attached to it. Over the background
music he plays the sound of a barking dog, a Kathy: Well, I could cut it. Chandler: Okay, we-we swallow our feelings. Even
mooing cow, a laser beam, someone coughing, a if it means we're unhappy forever. Sound good?
jackhammer, a doorbell, a police siren, a ray gun, Chandler: Really?! You do that?
breaking dishes, and for a closer he plays the Kathy: Can you really do that?
sound of a loud crash.) Kathy: Yeah, I do. Of course, I learned at my
aunt's dog grooming shop, but hey, what do you Chandler: I have to; he's my best friend, and
Monica: (At a loss for words) Boy, that was-that say? you're seeing him.
was, umm... terrific.
Chandler: Dog grooming huh? Okay, just don't Kathy: Chandler, I like Joey a lot, but with you...
Chandler: Really, bitchin'! make my tail too poofy.
Chandler: (interrupting) Oh-no-no-no! Don't!
Phoebe: Wow, it was so -- wow! [Cut to later, Kathy is cutting Chandler's hair.] Don't! See-see, you're getting me confused, I'm
starting to urn.
Ross: Really?! I mean, really?!! Kathy: You have really great hair.
Kathy: I'm sorry. If you wanna pretend that
Rachel: Yeah, I mean, you should play in public! Chandler: Well, thanks. I grow it myself. (Kathy is nothing happened, I can try.
running her fingers through his hair, and Chandler
Ross: Wow! Thanks, you guys. That's uh -- ohhh, I catches himself enjoying it too much.) Y'know who Chandler: I-I think we have too.
wanna, I wanna play you another piece! Umm! also has great hair is Joey!
Uh-oh! I left my uh, helicopter sounds on another Kathy: Okay. Bye.
disk. I'll be right back! Okay? (Runs to fetch them) Kathy: Yes! Yeah! Joey has great hair! Umm, I'm
This is so nice, I'm -- I am so... (starts to break up basically done here. Just let me get this off your Chandler: Bye. (Kathy leaves and Chandler
and leaves) neck. wonders over to and leans up against the door.)
Are you still out there?
Monica: Oh God bless my dad sound proofing the (Kathy leans in really close and Chandler mouths
basement! "Oh my God." She moves around in front of him Kathy: (outside the door) No. (Chandler opens the
and kneels at his feet.) door and they kiss again.)
Rachel: Oh, I can't believe I ever let him touch me
with those fingers. Chandler: What-what 'cha doin'? [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is performing, his
music hasn't improved.]
Phoebe: What are you guys talking about, I loved Kathy: Checking to see if it's even.
it! It was soo moving. Oh, plus it's just, it's so Ross: (His voice is altered to sound like a
different from the stuff you usually hear. Chandler: 'Kay. computer.) Electrifying. (He plays the sound of a
ticking clock.) Emphatic time-time-time...
Chandler: You mean like, music? Kathy: Looks good.
Monica: (to Rachel and Phoebe) Y'know, there's a
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching (They lean in to kiss and are interrupted by the Starbucks about three blocks down.
Yasmein Bleeth running on TV, and the duck starts phone.)
quacking.] Phoebe: (pushing Monica back onto the couch)
Chandler: (jumping up to answer the phone) Oh It's so inspired! Look at him! Look at him go!
Chandler: Yeah, I know what you're thinkin'! Yes, the phone! The phone's making sounds! (On
yes, your breasts are just as firm and juicy. phone) Hello! [cut back to Ross who finally finishes his so-called
song with the same crash from before. He gets
(There's a knock on the door.) Joey: (on phone) Hey dude, it's me. some applause, mainly 'cause he's done.]
Chandler: Come in! Chandler: Hey it's Joey! Ross: (with the altered voice) Thank you
guys-guys-guys...
Kathy: (entering) Hey! (sees what's on TV) Oh Joey: Listen uh, I'm really sorry, it looks like I'm
God, is that Baywatch? gonna be stuck here for a while. I got the Monica: (to Phoebe) Hey, aren't you up next?
transmission fluid, but when I went to put it in the
Chandler: Uh yes, but uh, I just watch it for the car, the transmission wasn't there! Phoebe: Oh no, I'm not playing tonight.
articles.
Chandler: What? Rachel: Why not?
Kathy: So is Joey around?
Joey: Yeah, it must've fallen out a few blocks Phoebe: I can't follow Ross! It'd be like those
Chandler: No-no, he's not back yet, but he'll be back. I just figured we hit a dog. bicycle ridding chimps that followed The Beetles.
here any minute. So uh, come on in. Have a seat. No.
Bow or stern? Chandler: Okay.
Monica: Phoebe, Ross sucks!
Kathy: I uh, don't really have a preference. You? Joey: Listen uh, could you put Kathy on, I wanna
apologize. Rachel: Phoebe, the place has emptied because of
Chandler: I like it in the stern. (Realizes what he him.
just said.) ...of the boat. (The phone rings, and he Chandler: Oh yeah man. (to Kathy) Joey. (Hands
Joey: Aww man! I can't believe I locked myself out Phoebe: Does Joey know? Joey: Who?
again! (He knocks on the door.)
Chandler: No. Is there anyway, anyway you think Chandler: It's me. I'm the other guy.
Chandler: Hang on buddy! (He goes over and he'll understand this?
unlocks the door and opens it to reveal a fully Joey: What?
furnished apartment.) Monica: You obviously haven't screwed over a lot
of your friends. (They all look at her) Which we all Chandler: Yeah, I mean when you were late last
Joey: (rushing in) Oh my God! What happened appreciate. night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing to
here? Did you do all this? another and...
Ross: No the-the sad thing is, if you had told him
Chandler: I sure did. how you felt before you kissed her, knowing Joey, Joey: And what?! Did you sleep with her?!
he probably just would've just stepped aside.
Joey: Why? Chandler: No! No! No! I just kissed her.
Chandler: Oh, don't say that! Don't say that.
Chandler: Well, I just thought it'd make me feel That's not true. Is it? Joey: What?!! That's even worse!!
good to do something nice for my friend.
Phoebe: I think maybe, yeah. Chandler: How is that worse?!
Joey: Well, you're amazing.
Monica: He loves you. Joey: I don't know! But it's the same!
Chandler: Oh no-no-no. This is amazing. (He goes
over and presses a button on a remote control Chandler: Then why didn't you tell me to do Chandler: Look, I'm sorry! But there's nothing I
that opens the entertainment center doors that?!! can do, I think I'm in love with her!
revealing the TV.)
Ross: Well, I said-I said something to Phoebe. Joey: Who cares?! You went behind my back! I
Joey: (very excited) A TV as if it appears from would never do that to you!
nowhere! That's the dream! Man, how did you Phoebe: Yeah! No, that's right. And I thought it
afford this stuff? was a really good idea. Chandler: You're right, I have no excuses! I was
totally over the line.
Chandler: Well, y'know I'm 29. I mean who needs Rachel: I know, I remember that!
a savings account. Joey: Over the line?! You-you're-you're so far past
Monica: I remember you did. the line, that you-you can't even see the line! The
Joey: Oh, you are the best friends anyone has line is a dot to you!
ever had. Chandler: God!! (Sits down in disgust.) What am I
gonna do?! Chandler: Yes. Yes! Right! And I feel horrible. You
Chandler: Oh, I don't know. have to believe me!
Rachel: Well, Chandler, you're gonna have to tell
Joey: Oh-no-no-no, you are! You do this, you give him. Joey: Is that why you bought all this stuff?!
me the great advice, and hey listen, I was thinking (Chandler makes a face like "Well, kinda.") Well,
about what you said yesterday about focusing on Chandler: Why?! Why do I have to tell him?! y'know what I will not watch your TV, I will not
one woman, I'm gonna do that. listen to your stereo, and there's a cinnamon raisin
Rachel: Because you do. loaf in the new bread maker that I'm not gonna
Chandler: You mean with Casey. eat! You know why?!
Chandler: Yeah, I know.
Joey: No-no-no, I think I'm gonna see how things Chandler: Probably because...
go with Kathy. She's pretty cool. Ross: Hey, would it be okay if I wrote a song
about this. Joey: Because it's all tainted with your betrayal.
Chandler: Or Casey. From now on this apartment is empty for me! And
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching TV I'm not happy about you either. (The bread maker
Joey: No-no, Kathy. as Chandler enters.] dings) Oh, and just so you know, I made that
bread for you. (Joey walks into his bedroom and
Chandler: Could be Casey. Chandler: Hey! slams the door.)
Joey: No. No, Kathy. Joey: Hey! Samboucha Margarita? Closing Credits
Chandler: Consider Casey. Chandler: Is that a real thing? [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is playing his music.
Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting on the
Joey: Y'know what I think? I think somebody's got Joey: Well, we only had samboucha, so it is now. couch.]
a little crush on Casey. How 'bout I fix you two up?
What do you think? Chandler: Listen ah, Joe, I-I need to, I need to talk Phoebe: Oh my God, he's lost it. He's totally lost it.
to you about something.
Chandler: That all the pieces of my life are falling Monica: (removing ear plugs) What?
right into place! Joey: What's up?
Rachel: Phoebe, his music could not get any
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross has just finished Chandler: It's-it's about Kathy. Umm, uh, I like worse. There are rats in the basement that are
playing.] her. I like her a lot actually. hanging themselves.
Ross: (to Phoebe) Hey! Joey: You do? (Ross finally finishes with the same crash, and
gets some applause.)
Phoebe: Hey! You were really great! You were Chandler: Yeah.
really, really great! Ross: Thank you, thanks. (Sits down next to the
Joey: Well, you're timing couldn't be better. She's girls) Yeah, I lost it. Y'know, I'm not gonna play
Ross: Oh, thanks, thanks. So Monica tells me that not my girlfriend anymore. anymore, (to Phoebe) would you, can you finish
uh, you don't want to play anymore because me my set?
and y'know my talent. Is that true? Chandler: What?
Phoebe: After that? Yeah! No, I mean if I can help.
Phoebe: Well, kinda. Yeah. Yeah. Joey: Yeah, she broke up with me.
(Phoebe gets up and goes to play, Ross goes over
Ross: Pheebs... Chandler: Oh uh, when? and sits down next to Monica and Rachel.)
Phoebe: Yeah, I-I can't -- I mean y'know I was Joey: Just now, after acting class. At first I Ross: Yeah, like I could lose it.
trying to be really y'know okay and upbeat about thought she was doing some kind of scene, that's
it, I just -- I feel so dwarfed by your musical gift. why I let people watch. Rachel: What?
I...
Chandler: Oh man, I am so sorry. Are, are you Ross: I played bad on purpose guys.
Ross: See but, Pheebs that-that is the exact okay?
opposite intent of my music. Y'know my music is-is (Both Monica and Rachel laugh.)
meant to inspire, and if it bothers you this much, Joey: Well, I've been better. But, I'm all right. So
then I... I won't play anymore. you like her huh? Monica: Okay, so you were trying to play bad this
whole time.
Phoebe: Oh no. No-no-no, don't do that! How Chandler: Yes, but I-I uh, don't have too.
could I live with myself if I knew I was depriving Ross: Yeah -- no, just that last song.
the world of your music. Joey: No-no-no, no it's uh, it's okay.
End
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are sitting Ross: You did! Oh.... I always figured you just thought I Rachel: Well neither do I!
and talking.] was Monica's geeky older brother.
Chandler: Y’know what? It seems like all of the Ross: Is this about Mark?
sudden; so much has happened. Rachel: I did.
Joey: I know. Ross is getting married. Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God.
Chandler: Phoebe is, making people. Ross: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my
Joey: Everybody’s doing stuff! intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here- but Ross: Okay, it’s not, it’s not.
Chandler: And we just sit here. I mean if I die the do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime?
only way people would even know I was here, Maybe? Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same
would be by the ass print on this chair! Look, we fight over and over again, Ross, no, you’re, you’re,
have to do something. Okay? Something huge! Rachel: Yeah, maybe... you’re making this too hard.
Joey: (snaps his fingers) We could climb Mt.
Everest! Ross: Okay... okay, maybe I will... Ross: Oh I’m, I’m making this too hard. Okay, what do
Chandler: No-no, not something stupid, [The next clip is from The One With The Blackout.] you want me to do.
something huge. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are talking
Joey: No-no-no-no-no, I saw an ad for this video, about passion.] Rachel: I don’t know, I don’t know. Urrrgh! Look,
people climb that thing everyday! We could totally Ross: See, I see.... big passion in your future. maybe we should take a break.
do that! Rachel: Really?
Chandler: Why not?! I mean it’s just, it’s just Ross: I do. Ross: Okay, okay, fine, you’re right. Let’s ah, let’s take
climbing! It’s just, it’s just steep! Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great. [she playfully rubs his a break, (goes to the door) let’s cool off, okay, let’s get