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**<< Action >>** : _The CURTAIN RISES to reveal the stage set...

<PROLOGUE> All the world's a rotten shithole (beep) <PROLOGUE> ...and all the men & women merely addicts (beep) <PROLOGUE> This show is Copyright 2011 The Hamnet Copycats <PROLOGUE> Enjoy our show + no heckling plz <PROLOGUE> Script should not be re-staged w/out permish **<< Action >>** : SCENE 1: THE BATTLEMENTS **<< Action >>** : _Enter Hamlet **<< Action >>** : _Enter Ghost <Hamlet> whoz that? Dad? Ghost? Pacman? Zup? <Ghost> "I look like this from malnutrition. Of course I'm a ghost, but son, don't be scared, And I'll tell you some shit that'll fry your hair." "You got two relatives, I won't say which, But one's a bloody murderer and one's a faithless bitch. Why, I was takin' a nap in the garden right here, When my ambitious brother pours some poison in my ear. And before my body's even cold he's wearin' my pajamas, Layin' up in my bed with my crown on his head, Doin' somethin' sinful to your momma. And the terrible thoughts of what they're doin' up there Is more than a poor old ghost can bear. So you gotta revenge me on this harlot and this knave Or else I'll never rest in my motherfuckin' grave." <Hamlet> Holy shit!!!! Don't beep with me, man!!!! I've gotta think abt this, + I've got chem lab in 1/2 hr. **<< Action >>** : _Exit Hamlet . Fade Ghost.

Blank Verse: Well, this information just flips Hamlet out. He starts walkin' like this, with spit hangin' out his mouth. His eyes are all bleary and his tongue looks worse, And he's talkin' in couplets and blank fuckin' verse. I mean the dude is indecisive, He don't know how he'd like his eggs, And he's got no opinion on tits, ass or legs. He can't decide which horse to play at the track, And when they ask him what suit you wanna wear today? **<< Action >>** : SCENE 2: AFTER HAMLET'S CHEM LAB [16] <Hamlet> 2b or not 2b... <Hamlet> Hmmmmmm... [18] <Hamlet> :-( Bummer... [19] <Hamlet> Ooops, here comes Ophelia [20] **<< Action >>** : _Enter Ophelia [21] <Ophelia> Here's yr stuff back [22] <Hamlet> Not mine, love. Hehehehehe ;-D [23] <Ophelia> O heavenly powers: restore him! [24] **<< Action >>** Ophelia thinks Hamlet has performance anxiety [25] <Hamlet> Make that "sanity-deprived" and constipated pls.... [26] Oph: The court thinks you re gay Hamlet: what nonsense. I m a tragic hero. How can I be happy? Oph: Ahhhh you idiot, I mean the new meaning of gay. Hamlet: damn woman, clean ur tongue. /JOIN #nunnery [27] Action : Enter Polonius, her daddy, Polonius: "Hey, that prince is drivin' my little girl batty. Got her runnin' all night and sleepin' till noon,

God knows what else he got her doin' But he's our royal prince, lord of earth, sky and water, But he's also a horny little pimply-faced shithead Trying to hump my daughter Listen, darlin' daughter, I hope you and Ham ain't doin' things you shouldn't oughter, 'Cause you let 'em touch an ankle and they wanna grab a knee, And they never buy nothin' that you let 'em have for free. <Ophelia> : Die Ophelia. He doesn t want to touch you, your daddy thinks ur playing hookey. I bet someone will make a dirty picture on me after my death. Action: Enter Leartes. Leartes: I m Ophelia s brother. I ll kill that constipated bastard with this poisoned dagger. *** Signoff: Ophelia (drowning) **<< Action >>** : SCENE 3: INTERIOR [30] **<< Action >>** : _Enter R_krantz [31] **<< Action >>** : _Enter G_stern [32] <R_krantz> <G_stern> Hey there, Ham, you gloomy Gus, Get up-get down-and party with us. <Hamlet> Guys! Tragic heroes don t party. **<< Action >>** : _Exit Hamlet in a sulk. [38] <G_stern> fuckza matter w/him? [39] <R_krantz> Guess he must be lagged. Let's lurk [40] **<< Action >>** : R_krantz lurks [41] **<< Action >>** : G_stern lurks [42] **<< Action >>** : SCENE 4: THE QUEEN'S CLOSET [43] <Hamlet> Ma: what the fuck's going on? [44] <Queen> Don't flame me, i'm yr Ma! [45] <Queen> Er.... [46]

<Prompter> Psst! Thou hast thy father much offended.. [47] <Queen> Oh, right.... Yr dad's pissed at u [48] **<< Action >>** : Hamlet slashes at the arras [49] <Polonius> Arrrghhhh!!! [50] <Queen> Now look what u've done u little nerd. :-( [52] <Hamlet> Wrong man...... Bummer... [53] **<< Action >>** : SCENE 5: GRUESOME FINALE [54] **<< Action >>** : _Enter Hamlet, Queen, King, Laertes, R_krantz, G_stern [56] **<< Action >>** : King gives Ham & Laer swords [58] <King> Go for it, lads! [59] **<< Action >>** : Hamlet stabs Laertes [61] **<< Action >>** : Hamlet stabs King [62] My daddy was a handsome dude with dignity and class, And this fat fool got hair on his back and boils on his ass. Can anybody get you in their goddamn bed Just 'cause they got a crown on their goddamned head?" Gertrude: "Hey, before you go off the deep end, There's some things about women you gotta comprehend.

"Now milkmaids and queens, we all have filet mignon dreams, But when the steak is gone, you will eat the beans. And when you're out of beans, you'll chew the shoes off their feet, But you eat. Just picture me-a sweet young thing, Then boom-my husband's dead-and this sucker's king. So it's 'heat the meat and act real sweet' Or wind up with my ass out in the goddamned street.

I got cellulite, I got varicose veins, I got a hip gets stiff every time it rains. And- this-is what nursing a baby can do, 'Course, honey, I'm not blamin' you, Though you were such a hungry child, But life goes on and a queen must smile." **<< Action >>** : Queen takes a drink [57] <Queen> Holy shit this Danish vodka is like poison :-@ [63] <Hamlet> and u always thought i was just wasting my time in chem lab, hehehe [64] **<< Action >>** : Queen dies in agony [65] <King> Aaaaarrgghhh! [66] **<< Action >>** : King dies [67] <Laertes> AAaaaarrrrrrhhhhh!!!! [68] **<< Action >>** : Laertes stabs Hamlet [60] **<< Action >>** : Laertes dies [69] <Hamlet> AAAAaaaaaarrrrrrhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [70] **<< Action >>** : Hamlet dies [71] **<< Action >>** : R_krantz + G_stern GULP!!!!!! [72] **<< Action >>** : _Enter Fortinbras + drum + colours + attendants [73] <Fort_bras> EEEEEEEuuuuuucchhhhhh!!!!!! What's been hpng here? [74] <Drum> Like, rat-a-tat, man [75] <Colours> Hmmmmmmm...... [76] <Attndts> Holy sheeeeet!!!!! [77] ============ FORT_BRAS /NICK _King [78] ** Fort_bras is now knwn as _King **<< Action >>** _The CURTAIN SLOWLY FALLS. {{{{{{{--THE END--}}}}}}} [79] <audience> hmmmmmmmm..... [80]

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