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Removing Anger and Frustration: A Step- by-Step, Down to earth, How- to Post by The Lounge: For people and

ideas on Tuesday, July 26, 2011 at 11:36pm The good sir who commented on my last note on anger and frustration brought to my attention a most pressing fact. I write a whole lot about theory, about ideas, hopes, and beliefs... and granted, to an extent such talk can be helpful and practical and useful... but really, I lack down to earth, how-to, go do this now blog posts. And so I write on my experience with removing anger and frustration. Here's what I've found to be effective.

1. Observe. The first step in removing any unwanted characteristic of yours and replacing it with virtue is to observe. Recognize where in your interactions with others you're being selfish. Notice when you get frustrated with someone, make a conscious note of it. When your frustration or anger does turn into unloving action, make a note of that. Note to yourself *in the time of anger outburst* that what you are doing is not patient, kind, gentle, and self-controled. Note in this time that you just don't have the self-control and the love to love this person. This is obviously going to take a bit of honesty with yourself. Warning. Do not hide your sin from your recognition. Do not justify yourself. See the wrong in yourself. If anything you do would not be the type of thing that a loving, patient, kind, gentle, "not taking into account a wrong suffered," merciful person would do... consider it below the type of person God would have you be. Selfjustification is the bane of sanctification. If you're going to

get better, you're going to have to realize that you're an unloving person right now. You're going to have to realize that your "love" is very conditional, dependent on other people's 'nice', fair treatment of yourself... and that this sort of love is not the type of love that a Christ-like person has. And further, you should have this awareness in the moment of your anger, not just in retrospection. 2. Pray. Let's face it. There is absolutely NO way you're going to remove your anger and frustration and replace it with love if you don't have God's help. Pray for God's grace in this area of your life, pray for God's cooperation with your efforts to change. Now. Prayer is not the end of our efforts to change, as will soon become apparent. Too often we make it so. Rather, it's the start of our efforts to change. 3. Before the time of anger and frustration... Most of the battle of replacing anger and frustration with a patient, kind, unconditional love is won long before the time when we become angry or frustrated. Most of the battle is won in the time of preparation. For this reason it is well said that becoming like Christ is a matter of training, not a matter of trying. "Trying" has connotations of acting solely in the moment of trial... trying to muster up enough will-power to get yourself to make the right decision. "Training" has connotations of acting before the time of trial so that you can become equipped and ready to succeed in the time of trial. Here are some of the exercises that I've found to be invaluable in my fight against anger and frustration: a. Fasting. This is a great way to build up your self control. If you couple abstaining food with the right mindset, you teach yourself that all your desires and impulses just don't have to be met. You teach yourself to take pleasure in interaction with and contemplation on

God rather than in the gratification of your desires and impulses. The helpfulness of this effect should be apparent. b. Scripture memorization. This is a must. Have God's word written on your heart. Have it fill your mind. Memorize verses relevant to the problems that you have. 1 Corrinthians 13 is obviously a great start for the problem of anger and frustration. Galations 5:13-26 is good, too. Matthew 5:43-48. Search scripture, find relevant passages, memorize them. Constantly go over them in your mind when you have them memorized. I'll have more to say about this in a sec. c. Come to understand the people who frustrate you, why they are the way they are Think about other people in a realistic light. That person who's always bothering you? If you had lived through their circumstances, it's very unlikely that you'd be any different. To illustrate what I mean, walk with me to when I was manning a balloon station in "love wins," a free fair we ran in inner-city Hartford while on a missions trip there. I watched some parents treat their kids pretty poorly. And it was just... painful... watching it. Some screamed at their kids for playing and laughing just a little too much with their sibling. The kids would start crying, and their parents would yell at them to shut up. I watched some hit their kids or yank their hair. What hurt most was watching the kids' reactions. They didn't snap back at their parents or retalliate. They just stood there, accepting their parents' criticism, assuming something was wrong with themselves. They were hurt, scared, and sorry. There was a lot of that sort of activity. And it's easy to get angry or frustrated at parents like that. But something struck me as I stood there in front of those parents and their children. All those parents? They were right in their kids' place thirty years back. They were

innocent, hurt, terrified little kids thirty years ago. And that's exactly why they turned out to be how they are. Realize that about people. Similar reasoning should be used when viewing terrorists, awful dictators of the past, "hate-filled Christians"... even the people we view as more 'annoying' than anything; politicians, people at our school, or perhaps family members. Turn your anger and frustration into pityand compassion for people and the circumstances that they've grown up in. People can only love to the extent that love has been shown to them. That's why people grow up to be cold, selfcentered, and depraved. They experience little or no real, caring, unconditional love. That should inspire pity in us and a desire to give them a taste of love, not frustsration with them. d. A period of solitude and silence. Here I'm gonna have to share the idea without talking about the effect so much. For I'll be honest, I believe that this exercise has incredible transformative power(because of the extent that Willard recommends it)... but I haven't actually started doing it, yet. :) The idea is that you go away. Get away from people, from the world. Spend time alone, in silence. Don't bring anything with you; not even your Bible. Don't go into the time trying to accomplish anything; not even a deeper awareness of God. You might start with half a day. Then a day. Then a weekend. Maybe eventually a week. Like I said, I can't speak from experience about how this affects you, so I won't try. And yet I tell you that it's crucial for spiritual growth... because Willard, the expert in all that stuff... says so. :P

The implementation of this third step should look like...


You'll just become more Christ-like. Period. You'll become the type of person who doesn't get angry, the type of person who is patient, kind, gentle, self-controlled...

You'll have more control over what you say and do. You'll have various passages of scripture available in your mind, telling you how you should conduct yourself in relation to others. You'll have God and his word constantly on your mind, and you'll constantly be comparing your actions with scripture. You'll have an accurate view of the people who frustrate you, an understanding of why they are the way they are. Accordingly you'll have compassion and pity on the people you deal with, and a desire to give them a taste of real, uncondnitional love. Finally, you'll have an all-around deeper understanding of the reality of God's kingdom, your place in the kingdom as a disciple of Christ(one who is training to be like Christ), your place as a co-worker with God in bringing heaven on earth, and the place of every person, place, and thing in this larger context. 4. In the time of anger and frustration... Yes, the uprootion of anger and frustration in one's soul is ultimately accomplished before the time of frustration. But are there things we can do *when* that someone is doing or saying something that just makes us want to clean their clocks and lose it? Absolutely. a. Observe. Remember what I said about observation. Be aware when you lack love for other people. Acknowledge it while you experience it. b. Pray. Seems obvious, right? But honestly, how often do we actually pray, "God, please help me love this person that I should be loving but just can't"... when we're actually interacting with that person? There's something powerful about recognizing your flaw and asking God to help you in the time of temptation. c. Go over scripture in your head.

There's power in God's word. When you feel that anger bubbling up in you, recite to yourself, "love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous. It does not seek its own, does not take into account a wrong suffered. Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." Dwell on God's word in 'those times.' It's powerful. d. Visualize this person in the context of the circumstances that have largely shaped their personality. This is hard to do when the person is actually making us mad. But it can be done. And when done, it really puts the person's poor behavior into perspective, and really helps us show them true compassion. e. Taste the goodness of submission Often we get caught up in the idea that our wellbeing and our happiness is dependent on our circumstances. A situation arises. I have an idea about what would be the best way to handle the situation. That's "my way." Then another person has his idea, "his way." Our two ways clash, and we both fight to have things our way, because "our way" is "best for everyone," we claim. Such clashes make us angry and frustrated. Often we fight for our way only for convenience's sake. Our way is the most efficient, the most convenient. My friend, let me tell you about a little something called submission. Fight your anger and frustration by dwelling on the fact that happiness doesn't hinge upon doing things in the most convenient manner. As far as personal interactions go, happiness depends on our interacting with others in a Christ- like way. And in the context of the 'clash of ways,' this is almost always going to mean submission. Dwell on this truth. Then

actually put it into practice. Try it. Do yourself a favor. Submit. And make an effort to *taste* the goodness of humbly,quietly submitting to the other person's way. And just ftr... Making a stink or a fuss in our submission... or acting reluctantly or slowly is just another way of making a push for your way. :P Unless you learn caring, gentle, loving submission, you'll never escape the reaches of anger and frustration in your life. So don't bother trying to get rid of your anger if you're not going to also try to learn gentle submission. It just won't work. -----------------------------------------------------------------------Some parting words. This is very important. I talked about "step 3" as "preparation." Really... I guess that's a bad way to look at it. The point of these exercises isn't to just "prepare" you for the times of temptation. The point of these exercises is to make you a more Christ-like person. Sin doesn't just exist "when we actually blow it." It exists prior to that, in the form of a warped, angry, frustrated personality; our personality. So in doing these "prepatory" exercises, we're not just making sure that we don't get angry when people get annoying. We're removing the anger that literally exists in our heart and replacing it with love. Don't get caught up in the idea that godliness is defined by acting rightly. To think as much is legalism. Godliness is in the form of a good, right, Christlike, beautiful personality. Good action is a natural expression of godliness; it doesn't define it. The ideas I set forth in this note... are just not comprehensive. And I'm sure you could deduce as much. But yea, there's a lot of little exercises you can do to change yo heart with respect to teh angar lol. I have a long ways to go until I can say that I've conquered anger and frustration in my personality. Nonetheless, I really can attest to the power of the methods I set forth in this note in

revamping yo heart. So try them out. Hammer away at your personality. Root out the part of you that's so often provoked to anger and frustration. Sow some love seeds. Lemme tell ya... The anger that I've gotten rid of in myself? I haven't missed it. lol, not one bit.

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