T.E.D.

T.E.D.A
Chapter 1: T.E.D.A is hired
The paper-elf was late again and, in the hurry to catch up, ripped the front page of the Elven Times by pushing it too quickly through the letter-box of the T.E.D.A office. That little imps done it again, said Eglantine, picking it up from the mat. Ive told the little twerp umpteen times to be more careful. Elves will be elves, said Jonquil. Jonquil and Eglantine had set up The Elf Detective Agency, or T.E.D.A. over a year ago. Their office was a modestly sized cave, complete with door and window, near Bodmin Moor in Cornwall. Not ideally placed for passing customers, but the rent was very low. Business had been slow and they were running out of gold; they desperately needed a client. Any sort of case would do. Soon we wont be able to afford the ET, never mind having it delivered, anyway, Eglantine said, handing it over to Jonquil. Jonquil was by nature much more optimistic than Eglantine. Maybe, maybe not. Lets see if theres anything in here for us. Opening the paper at the advertisements page, Jonquil looked to see if there was anyone in need of some detective work. Halfway down the Help Wanted column was a small square advertisement:

CAN YOU HELP SANTA? STOUT HEARTED ELVES REQUIRED IN DIFFICULT TASK. APPLY NORTH POLE. URGENT!! (toymakers need not apply)

Look at this Eggers! Hmm, I dont like the bit about Stout Hearted - it sounds as if it might be dangerous. Santa wouldnt put anybodys life at risk, especially not an elf; and we dont have anything better to do, do we? Jonquil pointed to the empty Work In Progress board hung on the wall of the cave in more optimistic times. No, I suppose not, but how will we get there?

T.E.D.A The usual; when no-one looking well jump on the train up to London, then mix in with the crowd and get the tube to Heathrow, and then sneak on a plane to Lapland. There are plenty of flights going there at this time of year; its surprising how many people fancy a holiday in Lapland at Christmas. Ill make some sandwiches, said Eglantine, who was always careful to take proper care of dining arrangements. Ten minutes later, they closed the curtain, locked the front door and off they went to the train station. By far the hardest part of the journey was getting to Santas Grotto from the airport in Lapland. They tried the train station, but didnt know which town was the nearest to the North Pole, no trains went all the way there. They couldnt speak Lappish, so couldnt understand what the people were saying. But Jonquil saw a sign outside a sleigh station which was in several languages, including English Express to the North Pole. Eglantine insisted that before sneaking into the luggage compartment of the sleigh they ate one of their sandwiches each, they didnt know how long the journey would take, or if being scrunched up with the luggage would make eating sandwiches too difficult. When they had reached the North Pole, Santas Grotto was just how Jonquil had imagined it; covered with snow and made of wooden logs, with square white windows, a pointed roof and a tall chimney with smoke coming out. All the lights were on, and it looked warm and friendly. A big brass bell hung outside of the front door and Jonquil and Eglantine raced to ring it. They both arrived at the same time and swung on the rope that hung down beneath it. Ding, dong, ding, dong, ding! The door was answered by one of the toymaker elves, Wheres the fire? Sorry about that, Eglantine said, brushing some snow off. Were here to see Santa; please tell him that T.E.D.A is here. Too busy; tell him yourself, the elf turned around and went back inside to a workbench that was piled high with half finished toys. Across the room they saw a door with the sign Santas Office written in jolly red and white stripy letters on a dark green background. They went over to it, Jonquil straightened up, coughed quietly and knocked. Come in! They entered Santas Office; he sat in a comfortable armchair in front of a roaring fire, drinking a large mug full of cocoa. Yes?

T.E.D.A Hi, Santa, Im Jonquil and this is Eglantine. Were The Elf Detective Agency and weve come to help you with your problem, Jonquil said, handing Santa a business card. Oh, I see, Santa smiled and peered at the card, Please sit down, he pointed some stools over by the wall, bring a couple of those next to me. Do you want cocoa? Its very good at heating you up when its cold outside. He nodded his head in the direction of the desk behind them, and when they looked they saw two more steaming mugs of cocoa. It was the best cocoa theyd ever tasted, and very hot. As they sipped it, Santa continued: Im very glad youve come, things are getting desperate. Its Christmas Eve tomorrow, and its going to be a foggy one. Do you know what happens on a foggy Christmas Eve? Rudolph! the elves said together. Well my trouble is, someone, and I think I know who, has stolen the brightness from Rudolphs nose. And if I cant get it back in time, I wont be able to take the sleigh out. And if I cant take the sleigh out Nobody gets their presents said Jonquil. Worse than that, Im afraid. If I dont deliver any of the presents, I lose my magic and wont be able to do it ever again. The amount of magic I have this year depends on how many presents I managed to deliver last year. So if there I dont deliver any presents this year, therell be no magic for next year. will be the end of children getting presents from Santa at Christmas forever. Not forever? Eglantine was horrified. Yes, all my toymakers will have to find another job. This place will have to go. The reindeer will have to go back to the wild. It will be a disaster. And to make matters even worse, Im pretty sure its those naughty Imps whove stolen the brightness, and taken it to Naughtyland, Santa gave a huge sigh and stared into the fire.

Chapter 2: getting to Naughtyland

Jonquil, as a Professional Elf Detective, pulled a notebook from out of one pocket, and a pencil from another. This situation required an interview. When was the brightness taken, Santa? Oh I dont know, it could have been any time before this week. I first saw it was missing two days ago, when I put the advert in the paper. Do you know, you two are the only ones to offer to help me? In the old days, everyone would have helped. I think elves are getting too selfish. Jonquil didnt like the sound of this; it began to seem as though Santa was expecting them to work for nothing. Even so, a truly professional detective should take notes.

T.E.D.A You suspect the Imps have taken it to Naughtyland. . . why dont you just go there and bring it back? Its a bit of a character defect of mine, really. You see Im very, very good all of the time. Hearty, jolly; ho, ho, ho. That sort of thing. But a downside of that, well not so much a downside as an unexpected side-effect, is that Ive forgotten what its like to be anything else. I no longer know how to behave any differently. If I were to go to Naughtyland, theres a very good chance that before you knew it, Id become a Naughty Santa, and we wouldnt want that now, would we? Wouldnt we? asked Eglantine, imagining just what a Naughty Santa might get up to. No we wouldnt! Jonquil, the professional detective, continued with his interview. So, Santa, if youre not prepared to go to Naughtyland, why do you think it would be safe for us to go there? Jonquil held the pencil ready to write down this answer, the most important so far. We all know how naughty elves can be, dont we. Its not completely a bad thing, a little naughtiness now and again can jolly things along. And most of the time I find elves to be well behaved, honest and truthful. Its just that being immersed in the influence of naughtiness is likely to have much less of an effect on you two than on me. Eglantine looked at Jonquil; Jonquil just shrugged and continued with the questions. Where exactly is Naughtyland? Oh, its just about everywhere, really. Everywhere? Eglantine was making a habit of one word interruptions. Shhhh, said Jonquil, what do you mean, Santa, it cant be everywhere. Its wherever a little bit of naughtiness occurs. To get there, the easiest way is to start from a Naughty Corner or a Naughty Step and just say the magic word. Magic word? Poo. Jonquil was stunned, Eglantine smirked. I beg your pardon? Im not going to repeat myself, you heard exactly what I said. Eglantine was trying hard to not say anything, and not to laugh. What were the chances of hearing Santa say Poo? And now the desire to join in and say it too was almost overwhelming. The trouble with naughty words is that once they get out into a room, everyone wants to say them said Santa. Jonquil was biting hard on the end of a pencil and blinking, also trying not to say Poo. Santa stood up. Well I think Ive given you two plenty to go on; Ive got to press on. I must anticipate that youll be successful, otherwise I may fall behind, and I wont be able to deliver the presents anyway. You can borrow Donner und Blitzen to get around on ,they need the exercise. Just

T.E.D.A dont bring them back tired out, because hopefully, when they get back, theyll have more work to do. Santa directed Jonquil and Eglantine to the stables, and there they met with Donner und Blitzen. All reindeer speak fluent Elf, but the elves had never spoken to reindeer. There arent many children around here, said Jonquil, which is the nearest city? Murmansk, said Blitzen. But ve should go to London. I luff der tvinkling of der lights in London, said Donner. Ja, London ist der better place, mit more children too, agreed Blitzen. Jonquil asked, But Londons miles away, surely it will take us too long to get there and back; shouldnt we go somewhere nearer? Ach, for der flying Reindeer, ist nussing. Ve get zair und back in der tvinkling of an eye. And that was true, it took longer for the elves to clamber on the reindeers backs than it did to get to London. Ve vill head for Chizvick, dair are lots of naughty children dair, said Blitzen. Eglantine could see why Donner liked the lights of London; from the air they looked just like Christmas decorations even the lights of the traffic looked like shiny silver ribbons. The reindeer took the elves to a house where they knew several naught children lived; their parents were rich, but hardly ever home, and the children were spoiled they got whatever they asked for and were rude to their nanny. Jonquil and Eglantine sneaked in through a back window and found themselves behind the curtain in the Childrens bedroom. There were people in the room, so the elves were very still and quiet. Quentin, the youngest boy, was arguing with Jonty, his elder brother: I bet they would. Not a chance. Would too! Go on then, try it; youll see. Just because you get the smoke detector to sound the alarm doesnt mean the fire brigade will come. Theyre too busy. A boy in our class did it and they came to his house. Well they wont come here. Quentin struck a match and set fire to a piece of toast he had in his pocket. He knew that burning toast set off fire detectors because it had happened several times in the kitchen. It worked. The smoke detector sounded the alarm.

T.E.D.A Within seconds the nanny came hurtling into the room. What are you doing? You silly little boy, you know playing with fire is very, very dangerous! Oh, Quentin, she snatched the toast and matches off him, pulled a chair under the alarm, reached up and pressed the reset button. I told you earlier that any more nonsense today and you will be punished. Now get over to the Naughty Corner and stay there until I say you can move. Jonty, take your homework down to the lounge and do it there. No fire engines then, Quentin? Jonty smirked as he walked passed Quentin and over to the table to pick up his homework. When the nanny and Jonty had left the room, Eglantine whispered to Jonquil That didnt take long; what do we do now? Get in that corner and Poo! Eglantine looked startled. You know what I mean, we go over there and say Poo, thats all. Yes but how do we get there without him seeing us? Just wait a minute, I have a hunch we should be all right soon enough. Jonquils hunch was correct. When Quentin was sure that the nanny and his brother were safely downstairs, he tiptoed to the door and slipped out. Nows our chance! They ran over to the corner and on the count of three they both said Poo!

Chapter 3: Naughtyland
Naughtyland wasnt at all what Eglantine was expecting; Jonquil seemed to take it all with equanimity, not showing any surprise at all. It was like a huge underground cave system, all carved out of chunky white rock. Except it wasnt rock, it was quite papery and not quite real. It wasnt very bright and you could only see about a stones throw in front of you, so it was hard to work out just how big Naughtyland was. Every ten or twenty steps along the main path, which stretched on out of sight, there were side-caves and in these side-caves there were lifelike scenes of naughtiness. In the first side-cave they came to they saw the naughtiness that theyd just witnessed in the real world: Quentin arguing with Jonty, setting fire to the toast and being sent to the Naughty Corner. It was like watching a three dimensional television with the sound turned down very low. They saw him sneak over to the door and slip out. They saw themselves walk over to the corner and disappear. Then the door opened again and the nanny marched Quentin back to the Naughty Corner, made him face the wall, and sat down in a chair with a thick book. It looked like he was going to be there for some time. Then side-cave went dark, and when it brightened again the whole scene re-started. It was very real, just like being there. 6

T.E.D.A In the next side-cave along they saw a sweet little girl tip her bowl of porridge on the floor, shouting, Im not eating that, its horrid, horrid, horrid. The porridge made a fine mess of the carpet underneath the table, and her mother told her that she was a very naughty girl and must go and stand on the Naughty Step, the first one on the staircase in the hall. When the little girl reached the step, the side-cave went dark, then brightened to show the little girl throwing her porridge on the floor again. That not a very good one, a voice said from behind Jonquil and Eglantine, theres a really good up there, about three caves farther on, on the right hand side. Jonquil and Eglantine looked around and found themselves face to face with an imp. How do you do? the imp said. Pleased to meet you; tell me, is this Naughtyland?, asked Jonquil. Course it is, what else? We dont often get elves visiting, what are you here for? Weve come to Eglantine kicked Jonquil in the shin, OW! Were just looking around, its very interesting, isnt it? Eglantine didnt want Jonquil telling any strange imps their business in case they might try to stop them. Not when youve been here as long as I have. Id love to leave. Its not fair, really. Ive been told that during the days of creation, God was walking past Mother Earth and he turned and blessed her. All of her children who were playing in front of her were blessed and became well behaved elves, whilst all those children who were playing behind her missed out on the blessing and became imps. Now I think thats rubbish. I think youd both agree that there are some elves who are naughtier than some imps. I can certainly think of one or two Jonquil had to a gree. Me too, added Eglantine. Id just love to leave here and get into the real world, continued the imp, if only I could. Tell you what, said Eglantine, if you help us do what we came for, well take you back with us. Really? Promise? We promise Jonquil and Eglantine both said at the same time, showing the Elven Salute as they did so. So what are you here for? Before we go any further, Im Jonquil and this is Eglantine And Im Dandelion. Well, Dandelion, weve come to take back the brightness from Rudolphs nose.

T.E.D.A Oh, yes, I was expecting someone to come. What a stupid trick that was. I mean, its all very well being naughty, but to upset Santa is going too far, even for an imp. Do you know where it is? asked Egalnitine. Sure, its locked up in the same room as the Naughty List. Dandelion led Jonquil and Eglantine along a very twisty, winding path to a small door at the end of one of the tunnels. Its locked said Jonquil, trying the handle. Only to elves, Dandelion said, you need to know the IOS to get in. IOS? Imp Opening Spell. Do you know it? asked Jonquil. Unfortunately, yes; if I wasnt cast as a naught imp I wouldnt, but I do. Now close your ears Dandelion said. Jonquil and Eglantine stuffed their fingers in their ears and hummed a bit of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer as Dandelion uttered the magic words. They both felt a tap on their shoulders, turned round and saw the door open. A bright reddish light Rudolphs nose brightness - lit up the little room behind the door. They went in and saw, next to the brightness, the Naughty List the list of children who had been so naughty that they werent to receive any Christmas presents. Wow, said Eglantine, arent there a lot of names on it. What a shame for all these children. Is there any way they can be removed? Not really, the only way is to press the reset button, the red one on the bottom there. But that deletes all the names from the list, all at once. Zero naughty children would be a bit unbelievable, though. Now how are we to take the brightness back? Jonquil asked. It really was a problem; how can you even pick brightness up? They wracked their brains, and eventually Dandelion said, I think they brought it here in a little box lined with mirrors. Of course! said Eglantine, If we keep the rays reflecting back and forth with mirrors, like in a box lined with mirrors, we can take the brightness anywhere. Trouble is, said Dandelion, we dont have a mirror lined box. Er,Eggers,said Jonquil, do you have any chocolate on you by any chance? No.

T.E.D.A Really? You never go anywhere without chocolate Eglantine be honest now, do you have any chocolate on you now? Well I might have a little. How many bars? Heres one! How many do you have all together? Look, if you want some chocolate, you can have this bar, all of it, all to yourself. How many more bars have you got, Eglantine? Be honest. A couple. How many? If you dont tell me the truth now, Im going to leave you here in Naughtyland and you wont have any more chocolate ever. So, come on! Honestly, how many bars? Six. Right, get them out and we eat two each, right now. Eglantine had mixed feelings about this. The idea of losing all the chocolate was terrible, but the idea of eating two whole bars right off was great. With a heavy heart, Eglantine pulled out all the chocolate and asked, Why do you want my chocolate, anyway? My idea is this: we eat all the chocolate and then use the wrappers to make our own reflective box. Oh, said Eglantine. Brilliant! said Dandelion. They all enjoyed the chocolate. Its surprising just how much you can eat if its good quality, and Eglantine only ever bought the absolute best quality chocolate. Another good thing about good quality chocolate is that it comes in superior quality silver paper. Jonquil cleverly made a rather decent silver box and lid out of all the wrappers. Eglantine carefully lowered it over the brightness and Dandelion carefully pushed the lid up onto the under-side to seal the brightnesss in. The room went dark, but after a while their eyes got used to the dark and they could once again see the door. Eglantine carefully picked up the packed brightness and said, Come on, lets go. On the way out of the room, Jonquil pressed the reset button on the Naughty List.

Chapter 4: Recovery

T.E.D.A

They started walking back the way they had come, but noticed that all the side-caves now had different scenes in them. Dandelion explained that the scenes only lasted as long as the childs punishment. Once a child had apologised, or had been forgiven, or allowed off the Naught Step or out of the Naughty Corner for whatever reason, the scene in the side-cave disappeared, to be replaced by a representation of fresh naughtiness. All of the sudden they heard an imp shout in the distance: Oi, sound the alarm, someones nicked the brightness! A high pitched bell started to ring and a siren started to wail. They could hear the sound of distant impish feet running in all directions. Only then did Jonquil and Eglantine realise that they had no idea how to get back to the real world. Lets try all shouting Poo, together, Jonquil suggested. They all shouted Poo but nothing happened. Did you hear that? another impish voice shouted, Come on everyone, there over here! Look, we shouted Poo to get in so how about if we shout ooP, to get out? said Eglantine. All three of them shouted ooP and straight away they found themselves stood in Quentins Naughty Corner. Fortunately, no-one was in the room so they quickly tiptoed over to the window and slipped out. Donner and Blitzen were waiting patiently for them. Zo, ve now heff three little people, no? asked Blitzen. Oh, yes, said Jonquil, this is Dandelion. Dandelion, this is Donner and this is Blitzen. What, THE Donner and Blitzen? Gosh, what an honour. Very pleased to meet you said Dandelion, politely. I like ziss one, said Donner,Ve should go now, little elves. I vill take Dandelion und Eglantine, OK? Dandelion und Eglantine rode on Donner and Jonquil rode Blitzen alone, carefully holding the silverwrapped brightness, and in the tvinkling of another eye, they were back at the North Pole. It was now Christmas Eve, and time was running out, so Donner and Blitzen unloaded their passengers right outside the front door. Eglantine rang the bell, and the same surly elf that answered the door before answered it again. Oh, its you again. Santas in his office, the surly elf turned and walked off. Merry Christmas to you too, Eglantine said quietly.

10

T.E.D.A All three went over to the office door and Eglantine knocked. Come in, said Santa in a somewhat grumpy sounding voice. Weve got it! exclaimed Jonquil, holding the silver paper box up high so Santa could see it. Well you neednt have bothered that pesky Rudolph tells me hes never going to have it back again. He says that he likes being just a normal reindeer, and that I only ever take him out when its foggy and Im taking advantage of his good nature. Santa slumped into his armchair in front of the roaring fire and let out a huge sigh. He just sat there looking into the flames. Jonquil and Eglantine hadnt expected such an unhappy reception; they thought Santa would have been delighted. Jonquils shoulders sagged, I guess this means we wont g et paid now, this was followed by a heartfelt sigh. How can you think of a thing like that? Eglantine was very cross with Jonquil, If we dont get Rudolphs brightness back into his nose, then Santa will miss out on delivering all those presents. And not just for this Christmas. Its about time you started thinking about other people rather than just yourself. Jonquil felt a bit ashamed, of course Eglantine was right. Then Jonquil remembered that Dandelion was with them and hadnt been introduced to Santa. So Jonquil plucked up courage and walked over to Santas chair, and tugged on Santas sleeve. Huh? Are you elves still here? What do you want? Santa, please let me introduce Dandelion. We met in Naughtyland and Dandelion was a great help to us. Without Dandelion we couldnt have found the brightness and you wouldnt be able to deliver your presents. Dandelions a bit worried because naughty imps stay in Naughtyland, but Dandelion isnt naughty and wants to stay in the real world. If you can get Rudolph to come to his senses and help me tonight, you can be whatever you like, and stay where you want Dandelion, Santa said, then sat back in his chair, sighed again and closed his eyes. He obviously felt that all was lost, and that Christmas was doomed. Come on, then! Eglantine pulled Dandelion by the sleeve, but not Jonquil, because Jonquil was still holding the brightness box and Eglantine didnt want it to be dropped or broken. They went around to the stables, and found Rudolphs stall. Rudolph was inside munching on some straw. Hello Rudolph, were Eglantine, Dandelion and Jonquil Jonquil said. Pleased to meet you said Rudolph, without looking up.

11

T.E.D.A Now listen here, you great big lummox Eglantine was stood in front of Rudolph and wagging a finger in his face. Rudolph was so surprised he stopped eating. Theres nothing special about you without this brightness, you know. Apart from the fact that youre one of Santas magic reindeer who can fly so youll never be and ordinary reindeer anyway, will you? Without waiting for a reply Eglantine continued. The point is, its only the song, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer that makes you particularly memorable and any of the other reindeer could be in that song instead of you. Ru-dolph, two syllables; Da-sher , two syllables; Dancer, two syllables; Pran-cer, two syllables; Vix-en, two syllables; Co-met, two syllables; Cu-pid, two syllables; Don-ner, two syllables; Blit-zen, two syllables. So you see, if Santa thought about it, he could put the brightness in another nose and have any one of the other reindeer guide his sleigh tonight, and then where would you be? A good for nothing loafer staying at home in the warm whilst Santa and the rest of the gang are out there pleasing all the children in the world. Eglantines words had struck home. Rudolph hung his head in shame. After a short silence, Rudolph burped. Oh, pardon me he said, its those oats, I must have swallowed them too quickly. Never mind that,Jonquil said, will you take the brightness back? Yes, please. I dont know what I was thinking what will I say to Santa, though. We had quite an argument earlier this afternoon. Dandelion, who was thrilled at the way things were going, said to Rudolph Look, why dont you get the brightness back in your nose, and then you and I go round and stand outside Santas window. When he sees youre ready for tonight, hell forget all about it, Im sure. Great idea, said Jonquil, now how do we get the brightness back in? Rudolph bit the silver box clean off jonquils hand, chomped it in his mouth a few times, then spat the silver paper out. A couple of seconds later, his nose began to glow. Hooray! shouted Jonquil and Eglantine; Dandelion ran over and put Rudolphs bridle on to lead him outside. They went round to Santas window, but he appeared to be asleep in his chair, and he didnt see them. You and Rudolph wait here, come on Eggers said jonquil, and they went up to the window and tapped on it and shouted Santa, wake up! He did, and immediately saw Rudolph. He jumped up out of his chair and ran out of the office. Next minute he was coming round the side of the building to where Rudolph was stood and gave the reindeer a big hug.

12

T.E.D.A Come on, boy, weve got a lot of work to do tonight. Lets get the rest of the team ready and loaded up. Santa looked at the elves. Dandelion, your Christmas present from me this year is to remain as an elf in the real world for as long as you like. Jonquil and Eglantine, youll find your presents under your tree in your office. Ho, ho, ho! Just then, the surly elf who opened the door came running round the building in such a rush. Santa, Santa the elf shouted, out of breath. My word, Bindweed, whatever is the matter? Its the Naughty List. Its just come through from Naughtyland. Well, good -- its supposed to come through just before we set off, isnt it? Yes, but. . . But what, Bindweed, come on, out with it. Its empty! Santa said nothing for a minute or two, then marched round to the front door. Dandelion, Bindweed, Jonquil and Eglantine and even Rudolph followed to see what he would do. He went inside and shouted: Everyone stop what youre doing, I have an important announcement to make. Jonquil was terrified; pressing the Naughty List reset button was only a whim, and now there was going to be serious trouble. Santa continued with his announcement: Great news, everyone, well need all the toys this year, every single one. The Naughty List is completely empty for the first time! EVERYONE is going to get a present! Ho, ho, ho. A great cheer went up; all the elves were delighted and started a group dance to celebrate. Santa turned to the Dandelion, Jonquil and Eglantine and said You three are a bit in the way here, now, and Rudolph has just told me hed like to take you home before we start. A sort of make-up present for me and a thank-you present for you. So Dandelion, Jonquil and Eglantine climbed on Rudolphs back and before you could believe it, they were all back at the headquarters of T.E.D.A. They invited Rudolph in for a mince pie or a carrot, but he didnt have time. Well if you ever need a detective, you know where to come, said Jonquil, ever the businessman.

13

T.E.D.A Yes, sure. Thanks again, elves, and I wish all of you a Very Merry Christmas said Rudolph and off he flew. When they went into their office, they got a big surprise. Christmas decorations were everywhere. All over the ceiling and walls. There was a warm fire glowing in the hearth, and three cups of cocoa on the table; in the corner stood a beautiful Christmas tree and there were presents underneath for each of them. And on the table were twenty gold coins, with a note from Santa Payment for the services of T.E.D.A. with thanks, S. Claus.

The end.

14