Building Self-Confidence

Sometimes a lack of self-confidence stems merely from a lack of experience. You may not feel so confident about taking the SAT test or acting in a stage play if you've never done it before. These feelings will change as you grow and experience more things in your life. Sometimes, however, a lack of self-confidence can stem from feelings of insecurity. Sometimes we have bad feelings about ourselves and we bury them deep inside. When we do this, we tend not to assert ourselves and take chances because we fear our "secrets" will be revealed. If your lack of self-confidence stems from bad feelings you harbor about yourself, you are also experiencing something perfectly normal and common. But it's a normal feeling that you can and should change!

Identify the Cause for Your Lack of Self-Confidence

If you have a fear that people will see your perceived shortcoming, you will find it difficult to assert yourself. Your shortcoming or vulnerability may have to do with your looks, your size, your perceived intelligence, your past, or your family experience. In building self-confidence, your first goal is to develop a realistic understanding of your strengths and weaknesses. Youll have to take a difficult first step and look inside yourself to discover where and why you feel vulnerable.

Face Your Fear Head-On

To get started on your self-exploration, go to a quiet and comfortable place and think about the things that make you feel bad about yourself. These things could stem from your complexion, weight, a bad habit, a family secret, abusive behavior in your family, or a feeling of guilt over something youve done. It can be painful to think about the root of your bad feelings, but it is healthy to root out something that is hidden deep inside and to work through it. Once you have identified the things you feel bad or secretive about, youll need to determine what you can do to change them. Should you change your eating habits? Exercise? Read a self-help book? Any action you takeeven the act of thinking about your problemis a step toward getting it out in the open and eventually healing. Once you have a full understanding of your problem, your fear decreases. When the fear goes away, the hesitation goes away and you can and will start asserting yourself more.

Celebrate Your Strengths

It's not enough to identify your weaknesses or your problem areas. You also have great aspects about yourself that you need to explore! You can start doing this by making a big list of things you have accomplished and the things you do well. Have you ever taken the time to explore your strengths? You were born with some natural talent, whether you have discovered it or not. Do you always make people laugh? Are you artistic? Can you organize things? Do you navigate well? Do you remember names?

All of these traits are things that can become very valuable as you get older. They are skills that are absolutely essential in community organizations, in church, in college, and on the job. If you can do any of them well, you have traits to cherish! Once you have taken the two steps above, identifying your vulnerability and identifying your greatness, you will start feeling an increase in your confidence. You decrease your anxiety by facing your fears, and you start liking yourself better by celebrating your natural strengths.

Change Your Behavior

Behavioral psychologists say that we can change our feelings by changing our behavior. For instance, some studies have shown that we become happier if we walk around with a smile on our faces. You can speed up your path to increased self-confidence by changing your behavior.

Try smiling more. This will help you fight off feelings of negativity. Compliment others on their strengths. Youll find that other people will return the favor and compliment you back. We all like to hear good things about ourselves! Exercise and get enough sleep. Both of these behavioral traits improve our moods. Youll feel better inside and outside and look better too! Take time every night to plan for the next day. By planning ahead we avoid mistakes that make us feel bad about ourselves. Think through the next day to avoid minor malfunctions that could embarrass you.

Use a Third Person Approach

There is an interesting study that shows that there may be a trick to meeting our behavioral goals more quickly. The trick? Think about yourself in the third person as you evaluate your progress. The study measured the progress in two groups of people who were attempting to make a positive change in their lives. The people who participated in this study were divided into two groups. One group was encouraged to think in the first person. The second group was encouraged to think of their progress from an outsiders point of view. Interestingly, the participants who thought about themselves from an outsiders perspective enjoyed a faster path to improvement. As you go through the process of improving your self-image and increasing your self-confidence, try to think of yourself as a separate person. Picture yourself as a stranger who is on a path toward positive change. Be sure to celebrate this persons accomplishments! Sources and related readings: University Of Florida. "Positive Self-esteem In Youth Can Pay Big Salary Dividends Later In Life." Science Daily 22 May 2007. 9 February 2008 <http://www.sciencedaily.com /releases/2007/05/070521152452.htm>.

University Of Washington. "People With Low Self-Esteem Less Motivated To Break A Negative Mood." Science Daily 6 August 2002. 9 February 2008 <http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2002/08/020806081023.htm>. Cornell University. "Third-person Perspective Is Helpful In Meeting Goals." Science Daily 17 April 2005. 9 February 2008 <http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2005/04/050417162526.htm>.

Be Kind To Yourself
thought I'd mention something that came to me a few depressions ago because someone might be able to use it. Maybe other folks can suggest other "kindnesses." When my house is a total mess and the laundry and dishes are piled up and I am in bed for days ... I make believe that someone (me) is sick in bed, and that I am just a friend lending a little hand. So whenever I get up (drink, bathroom, etc.) I just pick up one thing and put it where it belongs. If I pass laundry, I'll pick up one thing and put it in the hamper. Or if I go to get a drink, I'll wash one dish and put it away. Or if I have any energy, I'll sort the laundry (not do it - hey, I'm just helping out here). Maybe later, I'll do one load (smallest one!). Anyway, when I start feeling better, things don't look quite as horrible, and I feel like a friend popped in to help out. Because it made me feel good and "cared for," I started doing this when I was feeling good. Now, I'll do teeny parts of a job whenever I feel like it, so when I actually get down to doing the whole job, it's not quite as bad. It makes me feel like I did something nice for myself instead of sabotaging myself as I usually do. Sometimes I can actually do a lot of little things to help myself out. But doing this really does give me good feelings toward myself when I actually get down to doing the "real" job. I sort of remember and "thank" myself for the break. Anyone else have any nice little things you do for yourself when you are down? If you have other "kindnesses," please share them on our forum, where Esther originally posted this, or submit them to us for publication:

Managing Change: Managing People's Fear

Change is natural and good. Reaction to change is unpredictable, but manageable.
Managing change means managing people's fear. Change is natural and good, but people's reaction to change is unpredictable and irrational. It can be managed if done right.

Change
Nothing is as upsetting to your people as change. Nothing has greater potential to cause failures, loss of production, or falling quality. Yet nothing is as important to the survival of your organization as change. History is full of examples of organizations that failed to change and that are now extinct. The

secret to successfully managing change, from the perspective of the employees, is definition and understanding. Resistance to change comes from a fear of the unknown or an expectation of loss. The front-end of an individual's resistance to change is how they perceive the change. The back-end is how well they are equipped to deal with the change they expect. An individual's degree of resistance to change is determined by whether they perceive the change as good or bad, and how severe they expect the impact of the change to be on them. Their ultimate acceptance of the change is a function of how much resistance the person has and the quality of their coping skills and their support system. Your job as a leader is to address their resistance from both ends to help the individual reduce it to a minimal, manageable level. Your job is not to bulldoze their resistance so you can move ahead.

Perception Does Matter

If you move an employee's desk six inches, they may not notice or care. Yet if the reason you moved it those six inches was to fit in another worker in an adjacent desk, there may be high resistance to the change. It depends on whether the original employee feels the hiring of an additional employee is a threat to his job, or perceives the hiring as bringing in some needed assistance. A promotion is usually considered a good change. However an employee who doubts their ability to handle the new job may strongly resist the promotion. They will give you all kinds of reasons for not wanting the promotion, just not the real one. You might expect a higher-level employee to be less concerned about being laid off, because they have savings and investments to support them during a job search. However, the individual may feel they are over extended and that a job search will be long and complicated. Conversely, your concern for a low-income employee being laid off may be unfounded if they have stashed a nest egg in anticipation of the cut.

Your best salesperson may balk at taking on new, high potential account because they have an irrational feeling that they don't dress well enough.

If you try and bulldoze this resistance, you will fail. The employee whose desk you had to move will develop production problems. The top worker who keeps declining the promotion may quit rather than have to continue making up excuses for turning you down. And the top salesperson's sales may drop to the point that you stop considering them for the new account. Instead, you overcome the resistance by defining the change and by getting mutual understanding.

Definition
On the front end, you need to define the change for the employee in as much detail and as early as you can. Provide updates as things develop and become more clear. In the case of the desk that has to be moved, tell the employee what's going on. "We need to bring in more workers. Our sales have increased by 40% and we can't meet that demand, even with lots of overtime. To make room for them, we'll have to rearrange things a little." You could even ask the employees how they think the space should be rearranged. You don't have to accept their suggestions, but it's a start toward understanding. Definition is a two-way street. In addition to defining the problem, you need to get the employees to define the reasons behind their resistance.

Understanding
Understanding is also a two-way street. You want people to understand what is changing and why. You also need to understand their reluctance. You have to help your people understand. They want to know what the change will be and when it will happen, but they also want to know why. Why is it happening now? Why can't things stay like they have always been? Why is it happening to me? It is also important that they understand what is not changing. Not only does this give them one less thing to stress about, it also gives them an anchor, something to hold on to as they face the winds of uncertainty and change.

You need to understand their specific fears. What are they concerned about? How strongly do they feel about it? Do they perceive it as a good or a bad thing?

Manage This Issue

Don't try to rationalize things. Don't waste time wishing people were more predictable. Instead, focus on opening and maintaining clear channels of communication with your employees so they understand what is coming and what it means to them. They will appreciate you for it and will be more productive both before and after the change.

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Generalized Anxiety Disorder

What CBT is and Why it Works
One of the most common and well supported styles of psychotherapy for Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT). The following article will give an overview of this approach and why it works so well for GAD. CBT Goals The hallmark of CBT is an intense focus on thought processes and belief systems. The overall goals of the approach are to help people identify problematic beliefs and thought patterns, which are often irrational or unrealistic, and replace them with a more rational and realistic views. This is generally accomplished in a supportive environment that can often feel like a classroom, with the treatment professional assigning homework, highlighting concepts, and helping the client through a path of selfdiscovery and change. CBT is most often associated with Aaron Beck and Albert Ellis, who have slightly different views on treatment. Cognitive Distortions Typically, one of the first tasks of the client is to learn to identify certain types of problematic thoughts called "cognitive distortions" (click here for a list, desccription, and examples of common cognitive distortions). These are systematic ways that people can twist and distort information coming in from the environment that can significantly increase anxiety and reduce coping resources. Theoretically, if a person is able to identify when he/she is using these, and is able to replace them with a more realistic view, then anxiety is reduced. Schemas A schema is another important concept in CBT. Essentially, a schema is a network of information that dictates how people think about things and interpret the world. There are schemas for everything: computer, freedom, anxiety, and self. Longer term work in CBT is focused on changing schemas, which are at the core of one's belief system. An important part of this process is identifying "automatic thoughts", which are thoughts that occur instantly when thinking about something. For example, if

someone had significant anxiety around public speaking, simply thinking about it can trigger "embarrassment", "fear", and "failure" or a previous experience. Working to change automatic thoughts and creating more accurate and positive networks of information can take a significant amount of time, but often result in long term reductions in anxiety. Research Support Finally, one of the main reasons CBT has become so popular is because of how much research has demonstrated its effectiveness. There are a large number of well constructed experiments that have show it to be highly useful in treating depression and anxiety disorders, including GAD. The key factors for it to be helpful are buying in to the belief that it will help, completing relevant assignments, and a willingness to confront uncomfortable thoughts. Although many CBT techniques can difficult to do at first, for most people the remission of GAD is well worth the struggle. Source: Beck, J.S. (1995). Cognitive Therapy: Basics and Beyond. Guilford Press.

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy and Social Anxiety Disorder

Social anxiety disorder (SAD) is commonly treated with cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), a form of therapy that first became popular in the 1980s and 1990s for treating anxiety disorders. Research has shown that CBT is one of the few forms of therapy that reliably helps in overcoming clinical anxiety disorders. CBT is not one set method but rather a combination of various techniques that depend on the disorder being treated. For example, CBT for treating depression will be different from CBT for treating SAD or other anxiety disorders. Because there are so many different techniques, it is important that your therapist is experienced in using CBT for treating SAD, and knows which particular techniques are most effective for this disorder.

Goals of CBT for Social Anxiety Disorder

One of the central goals of CBT is to identify irrational beliefs and thought patterns and replace them with more realistic views. As part of the therapy process, you will work on a number of problem areas including:

misperceptions you may have about your abilities and self-worth guilt, embarrassment, or anger over past situations how to be more assertive tackling perfectionism and being more realistic dealing with procrastination related to social anxiety

Your CBT therapy sessions may feel somewhat like a student-teacher relationship. The therapist will take the role of a teacher, outlining concepts and helping you on a path of self-discovery and change. You will also be assigned homework assignments that are key to making progress.

Cognitive Methods
CBT consists of a number of techniques, many of which focus on problematic thinking. Cognitive methods help lessen anxiety in interpersonal relationships and groups, and give the person with SAD a feeling of control over their anxiety in social situations. The ultimate goal of cognitive therapy is to

change your underlying core beliefs (also known as your schemas) which influence how you interpret your environment. A change in your core beliefs will lead to long-lasting improvement of your anxiety symptoms. One of the central problems targeted by CBT are automatic negative thoughts, also known as cognitive distortions. People with SAD have developed automatic negative ways of thinking that are misaligned with reality, increase anxiety, and lessen your ability to cope. These thoughts occur instantly when you think about an anxiety-provoking situation. For example, if you have a fear of public speaking, just thinking about the situation will elicit thoughts of embarrassment and fear of failure. The goal of CBT is to replace these cognitive distortions with more realistic views. As a person suffering from SAD, at some point in your life someone has probably told you to just think positive. Unfortunately, the problem is not that simple to solve - if it were, you likely would have overcome your anxiety long ago. Because your brain has become hardwired over time to think negatively and have anxious thoughts, it needs to be gradually trained to think in a new way. Just telling yourself I will be less anxious next time doesnt work because this is an irrational statement, given your current way of thinking. Changing negative automatic thinking in the long term requires practice and repetition, every day for several months. At first you might be asked simply to catch negative automatic thoughts and make them rationally neutral. As this becomes easier, you would work your way up to thoughts that are more realistic. Only then does it become automatic and habitual. Over time, your memory processes will be affected and the neural pathways in your brain will be altered. You will begin to think, act and feel differently, but it will take persistence, practice, and patience for progress to be made. At first, this is a conscious process but as it is practiced and repeated it becomes automatic.

Behavioral Methods
One of the most commonly used behavioral techniques to treat SAD is exposure training, also known as systematic desensitization. Exposure training involves gradually exposing yourself to anxietyprovoking situations so that over time they elicit less fear. Exposure training for SAD has to be a very gradual process. People may have told you to toughen up and face your fears;" unfortunately this is extremely bad advice. People with social anxiety are already forced to face what they fear on a daily basis. Exposure that is not structured in a gradual step-bystep process does more damage than good. It will make your anxiety worse, keep you locked in a vicious cycle, and eventually lead to doubt and depression. With your therapist, you will gradually expose yourself to feared situations so that over time they no longer elicit fear. At first, you may practice in vivo exposure, such as imagining giving a speech or practicing a job interview through role playing. Once the practiced or imagined situation becomes easier, you would move to the situation in the real world. If exposure training moves too fast or the situations are too demanding too soon, it will backfire.

Keys for Success

Research has shown that there are several keys for success when it comes to CBT and SAD. The likelihood that CBT will help you depends largely on your expectations about success, your willingness to complete homework assignments, and your ability to confront uncomfortable thoughts. People who

are willing to work hard and believe that CBT will help them are more likely to improve. Although this form of therapy is intensive and requires active participation by the person with SAD, the improvement shown tends to be long-lasting and well worth the effort invested.

Sources:

Anxiety Treatment and Resource Centre, Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. Social Anxiety Disorder. 5 September 2007.

Beck, J.S. (1995). Cognitive Therapy: Basics and Beyond. Guilford Press.

Social Anxiety Institute, Phoenix, Arizona. What is Comprehensive Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy? 5 September 2007.

diagnosis of social anxiety disorder (SAD) requires that a number of specific criteria are met. Mental health professionals use a handbook called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fourth Edition (DSM-IV) when making diagnoses. A mental health professional will ask questions to determine whether you meet each of the following criteria when making a diagnosis:

You have significant and persistent fear of social or performance situations in which embarrassment, rejection, or scrutiny are possible. You almost always experience the physical symptoms of anxiety when in the feared social situation(s). You recognize that the fear is unreasonable but are unable to do anything about it. You either avoid the feared situations or endure them with intense anxiety or distress.

In order to be diagnosed with SAD, the fear and avoidance must be so severe that they significantly interfere with your daily functioning, school, work, or relationships or you are in significant distress about having the phobia. A mental health professional will also rule out possible alternative causes of symptoms such as drug or medication use, or a medical condition, before making a diagnosis of SAD. Finally, the fear must not be only about the symptoms of a medical condition or another mental disorder. For example, the fear is not just of shaking in Parkinson's disease or panic attacks in panic disorder. In cases where you fear only one or a few social situations (such as public speaking), the diagnosis is specific SAD. In contrast, if you are afraid of and avoid most social situations, you would be diagnosed with generalized SAD.

Psychosocial Causes of Social Anxiety Disorder

As the old saying goes, The apple doesnt fall far from the tree. It is true that if one of your parents has Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), then you are more likely to develop the disorder yourself? Is this because you share similar gene structure or is it because you were raised in a particular way? The answer is that it is likely a combination of the two. In addition to receiving your parents genes, you also learn from their behavior and from what they tell you (both verbally and non-verbally) about social situations.

Environmental Factors That Can Lead to SAD

Psychologists have developed theories about how children may become socially anxious through learning. In particular, there are three ways that children may learn to become socially anxious from their environment:

Direct Conditioning: Did you forget your lines in the class play? Did other kids make fun of you or were you the victim of persistent teasing or bullying? While it is not a necessary trigger, exposure to an early traumatic event may have an impact on the development of social anxiety, sometimes years later. Observational Learning: If you did not experience a traumatic event yourself, did you observe someone else in a traumatic social situation? For those already vulnerable to the disorder, this may have the same impact as experiencing the situation firsthand. Information Transfer: Fearful and socially anxious parents unknowingly transfer verbal and non-verbal information to their children about the dangers of social situations. If your mother worries excessively about what other people think of her, chances are you have developed some of this same anxiety yourself.

Your upbringing can also impact the likelihood that you will develop SAD. You are more likely to develop the disorder if:

As a child you were not exposed to enough social situations and were not allowed to develop appropriate social skills. One or both of your parents was rejecting, controlling, critical or overprotective. Children that do not form a proper attachment to their primary caregiver are at greater risk because they lack the ability to calm and soothe themselves when in stressful situations.

Psychological Factors That Can Lead to SAD

In addition to the environmental triggers of SAD, psychological factors are at work. If you have SAD, you will often tell yourself that you are not good enough in social situations. Quite often there will be a running commentary going through your mind when in feared social situations. This negative selftalk is rooted in something known as a negative core belief. In the case of Social Anxiety, negative core beliefs are long-held negative beliefs you have about your inadequacy in social situations. These beliefs are activated when you are in a situation that you perceive as threatening. Your core beliefs cause you to experience the cognitive symptoms of SAD, such as negative thoughts, a tendency to only see your shortcomings, and an obsession with monitoring your own symptoms of anxiety. On a positive note, because SAD is not entirely determined by your genetics, it is possible to unlearn some of the negative thought and behavior patterns that you have developed. The effectiveness of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy is based largely on the notion that psychological factors are partially to blame for maintaining the disorder.

Negative Automatic Thoughts

Definition: Negative automatic thoughts are the negative thoughts that are elicited in people with anxiety disorders when faced with anxiety-provoking situations. For the person with social anxiety disorder (SAD), a social or performance situation may elicit thoughts such as "everyone can see how anxious I am" or "everyone is judging me". These thoughts often occur so automatically that the person is not aware of his pessimistic thinking. Also Known As: hot thoughts

Cognitive Restructuring
Definition: A cognitive-behavioral therapy technique used to identify and correct negative thinking patterns. The technique involves altering negative automatic thoughts that occur in anxiety-provoking situations (such as "They think Im boring") by replacing them with more rational beliefs (such as "I can't read other people's minds; they are probably just tired"). As thoughts are challenged and disputed, their ability to elicit anxiety is weakened.

You Are What You Think

Beat Negative Patterns of Thinking for Better Workouts
What do you think about when you exercise? Are your thoughts positive ("dang, I feel good!") or negative ("why can't I lose more weight?")? Noticing your thoughts may be important when it comes to exercise, since negative thoughts can actually keep you from a consistent exercise program. You don't necessarily have to become a walking smile, but figuring out distorted thinking patterns can make exercising easier and, yes, even more fun. Perfectionism - Also known as unrealistic expectations. If you berate yourself for losing only five pounds instead of ten, you may be guilty of this kind of distorted thinking. Why not give yourself credit for your successes? If you've started exercising, that alone is cause for celebration and, if you're seeing some results, that's even better. Everything you do that makes you healthier is a success. Focus on that and take some time to make sure your goal is realistic. The Blame Game - Are you having trouble exercising because your gym is too far away? Or because the weather's bad? Blaming external factors makes it easier to avoid taking responsibility for your own choices. If you're not working out, it's up to you to figure out why you're not sticking to your program. Maybe you don't like going to a gym or maybe your workouts are too hard. Once you figure out the problem, you can take steps to rectify the situation. Explore your reasons for not exercising so you can change your approach. I'm a Loser - Many of us equate self-worth with success. Losing weight means we're good, failing to lose weight means we're bad. If you feel like a failure all the time, it's almost inevitable that you will fail. Remember: what you look like is just one aspect of who you are. Learning to focus on who you are and not just what your body looks like takes practice. You can start by exploring your body image and learn ways to improve it. I Have the Wrong Body - Have you ever looked at someone and wondered, "Why can't I look like that person?" Mat Luebbers, About's Swimming Guide, offers some excellent advice in his article, SelfEsteem and Confidence: "[y]our abilities are unique (as are those of every human being)...and cannot truly be compared to others." We all have a certain body shape and that shape may not conform to

the current definition of "perfect." Instead of tearing yourself down, boost your own ego by focusing on your strengths and on the things you love about your body. I Hate My Hip/Buns/Belly/Thighs - If you've ever looked in the mirror and picked apart every visible flaw with the precision of a brain surgeon, take a step back from the mirror and see yourself as a whole. We all have a body part we love to hate, but remember that your body allows you to walk, run, squat, and jump. That belly that seems to attract every calorie you eat serves to protect your spine when you move, sit or stand. Your body works as a whole, so try to appreciate all you can do in a day because of your thighs, hips, and belly (regardless of how they look). The Antidote to Negative Self-Talk It sounds simplistic, but beating negative thinking involves noticing your thoughts and changing them to something more positive. Try this activity recommended by Daniel R. Ball, in his article, "Cognitive Strategies:" Carry around a pocketful of paper clips. Every time you have a negative thought about yourself, hook the paper clips together in a chain. As Mr. Ball states, "[o]ften clients become motivated to change because they are surprised at the length of the chain at the end of the day." At first, just noticing the negative thoughts may be difficult, they happen so fast. But, as you practice, you'll be able to feel them coming on and stop them before they take hold. Instead of thinking, "I'll never finish this workout," try, "All I have to do is try my best." You can even take out your paperclip chain and take one away for every good thought you have...at least until your office manager sends out an email asking who stole all the paperclips.

Decatastrophizing: The "What If" Technique

What if that Happened? What Would I Do?
A hallmark of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is consistent anxiety and worry about something that is out of proportion to a given situation. Most of the worry is directed at potential negative consequences of some event or circumstance. For example, a person may worry for hours that a small mistake at work would lead to being fired, or that minor social awkwardness would lead to losing a friend.

What If?
There are many ways to go about challenging the reality of these thoughts, and one common way is called decatastrophizing. This technique is part of cognitive therapy, and is designed to have the person realistically confront the feared negative outcome. Essentially, decatastrophizing requires a person to ask what if the terrible things did indeed happen. What would he or she do in response? For the above examples, one could ask what if I actually was fired, what would I do? The response is generally: Although it may be tough for a period of time, I would have to find a new job. In the other example, the person may conclude It would be painful and embarrassing, but I would get over it and find a new friend.

Try It!
To practice, divide a sheet of paper into three columns. In the first, write a feared negative outcome. In the second, write it as a what if sentence. In the third column write what you would actually do. Check in with yourself to see if actually confronting the fear and making a plan reduces the anxiety

associated with it. If it leads to another fear such as embarrassment, then make that the next fear in the first column and continue. See if you can get to a place of calm and security. The magic in this technique is that it allows us to create plans for these feared situations, which gives us more control over them and reduces our worry about them. It takes away the mystery and allows us to reassure ourselves that regardless of what happens, we will be OK, and that we can overcome almost any of these situations.

Six Strategies to Reduce Your Worry

Making Plans, Getting to the Source, and More
Everyone worries about things sometimes. But people with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) experience an exaggerated degree of worry to the point that it can become debilitating.

Why We Worry
Worrying is a cognitive symptom of experiencing anxiety. Anxiety, at a moderate level, can be helpful, motivating a person to take something seriously, to solve a problem, to consider implications of his or her actions, or to search for reassurance. But sometimes a person can become stuck in a worrying state. The following strategies will hopefully help you meet some of these goals.

1. Make a Plan
One thing people often worry about is unforeseen circumstances. Sometimes there are things happening in our lives that are out of our control, such as getting hired for a job. One way to cope with situations like these is to makes plans for different possible outcomes. Make a plan as detailed as you need to determine your course of action if you do or do not get the job, which hopefully will take away some of the worry.

2. Rehearse
Another thing people often worry about is performances and presentations in front of peers. For school, jobs, and our social lives, we frequently have to make presentations, speak publicly, or talk to friends about something difficult. One way to reduce worry in these situations is to rehearse exactly what you are going to say and do as many times as you need to feel comfortable.

3. Attend to Your Physical Health

When our bodies are in optimal health, we also have more mental resources available to cope with stress, solve problems, and control our worrying. Achieve optimal physical health by eating a healthier diet, sleeping more, and being more physically active. It can have dramatic effects on your mood and your ability to cope.

4. Discover the Real Source

Sometimes a person worries about things that are a distraction from the things that are really bothering him or her. For example, worrying about an outfit to wear the next day, which provides a

distraction from worrying about what is really bothering them, like a quarrel with a loved one. Being able to trace the real source of your anxiety and worry can help us regain control of the situation and take steps to improve what is really troubling us.

5. Put It in the Proper Context

A hallmark sign of GAD is magnifying and worrying about small things, making them more important than they really are. Taking a step back to put your worries into their proper context can be a quick way to reduce their intensity.

6. Break Your Worries Down

Worrying tends to make us build a giant mountain of fear and anxiety in our minds, and eventually we lose sight of what is actually part of the mountain. Taking some time to break down and list the things that are troubling you is a great way to get a handle on things, and allows you to make several smaller plans of action, rather than being crippled by having to climb a mountain. Make every Monday the day you recommit to living your healthiest life. Sign up for our free Healthy Monday newsletter full of tips on reducing stress, eating right, getting into an exercise routine, and more.

Reduce Stress and Improve Your Life with Positive Self Talk
Develop the Positive Self Talk Habit!
Patterns of negative or positive self-talk often start in childhood. Usually, the self-talk habit is one thats colored our thinking for years, and can affect us in many ways, influencing the experience of stress to our lives. However, any time can be a good time to change it! Here are some ways you can stop yourself from using negative self-talk and use your mind to boost your productivity and selfesteem, and relieve stress. Notice Your Patterns: The first step toward change is to become more aware of the problem. You probably dont realize how often you say negative things in your head, or how much it affects your experience. The following strategies can help you become more conscious of your internal dialogue and its content.

Journal Writing: Whether you carry a journal around with you and jot down negative comments when you think them, write a general summary of your thoughts at the end of the day, or just start writing about your feelings on a certain topic and later go back to analyze it for content, journaling can be an effective tool for examining your inner process. Thought-Stopping: As you notice yourself saying something negative in your mind, you can stop your thought mid-stream my saying to yourself Stop. Saying this aloud will be more powerful, and having to say it aloud will make you more aware of how many times you are stopping negative thoughts, and where. Rubber-Band Snap: Another therapeutic trick is to walk around with a rubber band around your wrist; as you notice negative self-talk, pull the band away from your skin and let it snap back. Itll hurt a little, and serve as a slightly negative consequence that will both make you more aware of your thoughts, and help to stop them! (Or, if you dont want to subject yourself to

walking around with a rubber band on your wrist, youll be even more careful to limit the negative thoughts!) Replace Negative Statements: A good way to stop a bad habit is to replace it with something better. Once youre aware of your internal dialogue, here are some ways to change it:

Milder Wording: Have you ever been to a hospital and noticed how the nurses talk about discomfort instead of pain? This is generally done because pain is a much more powerful word, and discussing your pain level can actually make your experience of it more intense than if youre discussing your discomfort level. You can try this strategy in your daily life. In your self-talk, turning more powerful negative words to more neutral ones can actually help neutralize your experience. Instead of using words like hate and angry (as in, I hate traffic! It makes me so angry!), you can use words like dont like and annoyed (I dont like traffic; it makes me annoyed, sounds much milder, doesnt it?) Change Negative to Neutral or Positive: As you find yourself mentally complaining about something, rethink your assumptions. Are you assuming something is a negative event when it isnt, necessarily? (For example, having your plans cancelled at the last minute can be seen as a negative, but what you do with your newly-freed schedule can be what you make of it.) The next time you find yourself stressing about something or deciding youre not up to a challenge, stop and rethink, and see if you can come up with a neutral or positive replacement. Change Self-Limiting Statements to Questions: Self-limiting statements like I cant handle this! or This is impossible! are particularly damaging because they increase your stress in a given situation and they stop you from searching for solutions. The next time you find yourself thinking something that limits the possibilities of a given situation, turn it into a question. Doesnt How can I handle this? or How is this possible? sound more hopeful and open up your imagination to new possibilities?

You can also help yourself develop more positive self talk by bringing more positive energy into your life. Here are some resources for surrounding yourself with positivity so your mind remains more optimistic and positive.

How and Why to Use Positive Affirmations as a Stress Management Tool

Positive Affirmations Can Be Fun!
Positive affirmations are a great tool to reprogram your unconscious mind from negative thinking to positive. The idea is to take positive statements of what you would like to see manifested, and repeat them enough so that theyre part of your way of thinking and seeing the world; this operates in the same way that negative self-talk does, but in a way that benefits you. To come up with your own positive affirmations, use the following guidelines: Look At Your Intentions: Think about what you are trying to create in your life. This means, look at the end product, and the behaviors, attitudes and traits you would like to see yourself develop in order to get there. Would you like to feel more peace? Would you like to practice more healthy lifestyle habits? Would you like to be a more supportive friend? You might want to write in a journal and brainstorm to figure out whats important to you and get to the heart of what you want to create in your life. (A good starting point is to imagine your ideal life, pretend a fairy has given you three wishes, or try to visualize what you were put on Earth to be.) Create Statements: Once you get an idea of what youre aiming for, try to put that idea into a few simple statements that reflect the reality of what you want to create. Phrase the statements as if they are already true, not that you would like them to be true. For example, the affirmation, I am feeling more peaceful each day, would be better than, I want to feel more

peaceful. This is because you are programming your subconscious mind to believe the statements, and that helps manifest them into reality. Youre not trying to want something, youre trying to make it so.

Be Sure Theyre Positive: When making positive affirmations, be sure theyre positive! This means saying what you want to see and experience, not what you dont want to see and experience. For example, instead of saying, I dont want to feel stress, or even, Ive stopped feeling stress, use, Im feeling peace. Sometimes your mind doesnt register the negative, and it just hears the concept, stress, which is what youre trying to avoid. Use Mine: If youd like some ideas for affirmations designed to reduce stress in your life by increasing peaceful thoughts, feelings of safety, and fostering a stronger sense of self-efficacy, you can check out my Stress Management Affirmations, or you can discover them the fun way by playing Affirmation Hangman. (If youre going to play the game, dont look at the list until afterward, or guessing the affirmations in the game will be too easy!)

Once youve found your affirmations, here are some fun ways to introduce positive affirmations into your life:

Repetition: Probably the most popular way to harness the power of affirmations is to simply repeat them to yourself on a regular basis. Repeating them mentally several times in the morning or evening can be effective; repeating them aloud is even more effective because you hear them more clearly that way. Do-It-Yourself Recording: You can make a recording of yourself repeating positive affirmations and play it as you drive, get reading in the morning, or do other activities. Talk in a calm voice, maybe play your favorite soothing music in the background, and you have a recording tailor-made especially for your needs! On Post-Its: A fun way to use affirmations is to put them on post-its that you place around your house (on the fridge, on the bathroom mirror, and other places youll likely see them) to give yourself positive messages throughout the day. This technique can be effective on its own, or can be used with other affirmation techniques as a reinforcer. Self-Hypnosis: To really increase the effectiveness of affirmations, you can use them with self-hypnosis. This is a way to really cement them into your subconscious thinking much more quickly than repeating them in your normal conscious state. (Heres more information on the benefits of self-hypnosis and how to use self-hypnosis for stress management.)

The Traits, Benefits and Development of Emotional Resilience

Emotional Resilience Is a Trait You Can Develop
What Is Emotional Resilience? Emotional resilience refers to ones ability to adapt to stressful situations or crises. More resilient people are able to "roll with the punches" and adapt to adversity without lasting difficulties; less resilient people have a harder time with stress and life changes, both major and minor. Its been found that those who deal with minor stresses more easily can also manage major crises with greater ease, so resilience has its benefits for daily life as well as for the rare major catastrophe. What Influences Emotional Resilience? Emotional and physical resilience is, to a degree, something you're born with. Some people, by

nature, are less upset by changes and surprises -- this can be observed in infancy and tends to be stable throughout ones lifetime. Emotional resilience is also related to some factors that aren't under your control, such as age, gender, and exposure to trauma. However, resilience can be developed with a little effort. If you know what to do, you can become more resilient, even if you are naturally more sensitive to lifes difficulties. What Are Traits of Emotional Resilience? Resilience is not a quality that you either do or do not possess; there are varying degrees of how well a person is able to handle stress. Still, there are certain characteristics that resilient people tend to share. Some of the main characteristics are:

Emotional Awareness: They understand what theyre feeling and why. Perseverance: Whether theyre working toward outward goals or on inner coping strategies, theyre action-oriented -- they trust in the process and dont give up. Internal Locus of Control: They believe that they, rather than outside forces, are in control of their own lives. Optimism: They see the positives in most situations and believe in their own strength. Support: While they tend to be strong individuals, they know the value of social support and are able to surround themselves with supportive friends and family. Sense of Humor: Theyre able to laugh at lifes difficulties. Perspective: Resilient people are able to learn from their mistakes (rather than deny them), see obstacles as challenges, and allow adversity to make them stronger. They can also find meaning in lifes challenges rather than seeing themselves as victims. Spirituality: Being connected to your spiritual side has been connected with stronger emotional resilience, especially if you're internally connected and not just going through the motions of attending services. (This doesn't mean that people who aren't spiritual can't be resilient, just that this connection has been found.)

How To Become More Resilient As mentioned, emotional resilience can be developed. And because stress and change are a part of life, there are always opportunities to practice resilience -- the payoffs are significant. All it takes is an interest and commitment to the process, and a little information on how to develop and strengthen traits of resilience.

Stop! Technique
Definition: The Stop! Technique is commonly used in cognitive-behavioral therapy. The technique is taught to the client, who can use it to stop racing thoughts or obsessive worrying. In this technique, when the obsessive or racing thoughts begin, the client says, clearly and distinctly, "Stop!" This then allows the client to substitute a new, healthier thought.

Many therapists encourage the client at first to yell out the "Stop!" This helps focus the attention on the word and away from the obsessive thought. Later, the client will be able to mentally yell the word without needing to say it aloud. Examples: If you find yourself panicking, the Stop! Technique can help you get your emotions under control.

Anxiety Self-Help Technique: Grading Your Worries

There are several ways you can adjust your thinking to create an experience that will lower anxiety. To combat the feeling that life events are overwhelming, you can try a simple technique known as grading. It may seem simplistic and obvious, but few people actually follow through on using it. If you do, it can be an excellent way to relieve some anxiety and get a better grip on the things happening in your life. Click here for more Strategies to Reduce Worrying.

Grading
The thrust of this technique is to write out and assign values of magnitude to various stressors and anxiety provoking situations. Here are the steps: First, if you find yourself in a stressed out or anxiety state, take a moment to collect your thoughts. Second, create four columns on a piece of paper for daily, mild, major, and cultural. Third, start going through all of your worries and place them into the appropriate column. In the daily column put small things that you encounter most days (traffic, getting the kids off to school, social situations, etc). In the mild column put things that are more timely but hold some small level of worry (test or work presentation, planning a party, having a difficult conversation, etc). In the major column put things that are causing more significant anxiety and have higher stakes (significant relationship problems, issues at work/school, economic problems, etc). Finally, in the cultural column, put things that are happening in the world that affect your anxiety level regularly (the war, negative news stories, the economy, etc). You may be surprised to find out how many of these things can be involved in your anxiety experience that you may not regularly acknowledge.

Find Solutions
Now that you have your list in front of you, go through the various columns and decide whether you can: (a) take action or prepare (b) let go of the worry (c) learn to accept it You may be surprised to find out how many things are within your control and can be changed without much stress. Feel free to add columns or include other possible solutions as you see fit. Additionally, it may be helpful to do this experience regularly and save the sheets to have a record of what you were worrying about at various time and how you were able to make changes.

Anxiety and Athletic Performance: Strategies for Calming Game-Day Nerves

Everyone gets a little nervous before a big game or athletic event. However, for those who experience the severe symptoms associated with social anxiety disorder (SAD), the quality of their athletic performance will often suffer. The relationship between anxiety and athletic performance is so strong that a whole field of psychology -- sport psychology -- has been devoted to helping athletes combat nerves. Fortunately, you can use a number of strategies to help overcome game-day jitters and manage anxiety before it gets out of hand.

Visualization
Many elite athletes use visualization to improve performance, develop confidence, and manage anxiety. Visualization, also known as imagery or mental rehearsal, involves imagining yourself successfully competing at an athletic event. In order to make visualization work, close your eyes and imagine the physical movements that you would make in order to be successful in competition. Try to imagine yourself moving at the same speed as you would in real life. Also, make sure that you are imagining from your own perspective -not from that of an observer. You should be viewing the scene (the crowd, the field) as you would if you were really there -- not watching yourself compete. Some tips for making visualization work? Do whatever you can to make the imagined experience seem as real as possible. If going to an empty football field and sitting on the bench helps you make the imagined experience more real, by all means do so. If the noise of the crowd is likely to distract you during competition, see if you can find an audio recording with crowd noises that you can play while you visualize the event. Whatever you can do to make the imagined experience feel real will aid in translating what you imagine into what you achieve.

Goal Setting
Clearly defined goals help to measure success -- but goals that are too lofty can leave you overwhelmed and unsure of your abilities. Choose goals that are achievable but challenging, and when possible, break tasks down into smaller parts with a series of short-term goals.

Relaxation Techniques
Relaxation techniques are helpful for reducing the physical symptoms of anxiety such as an increased heart rate, tense muscles and quick and shallow breathing. These techniques can be used at any time leading up to a performance or competition, and may be particularly helpful when practiced the night before or in the hours preceding an event to help keep nerves at bay. Two of the most common relaxation techniques are diaphragmatic breathing and progressive muscle relaxation.

Cognitive Restructuring
Cognitive restructuring refers to changing habitual ways of thinking. In the case of anxiety about athletic performance, cognitive restructuring helps you evaluate bodily arousal differently -- much in

the way that elite athletes channel arousal into excitement and the ability to rise to the challenge. Changing the way that you think about competitions can also be helpful. Planning to always do your best regardless of how important you think a competition is allows you to attach less significance to major competitions, and in turn reduce anxiety about your performance. Being aware of your thoughts and feelings is also key to managing the cognitive symptoms of anxiety. Recognizing negative thoughts when they first enter your mind allows you to stop them before they take hold so you can replace them with more positive ones.

Develop Self-Confidence
It can be hard to imagine being confident in a competition if you usually crumble under pressure. However, you can take specific steps to help increase self-confidence. Focus on past successes instead of failures. Make practice and preparation a priority and continue until you have no doubt left about your ability to succeed. Still having trouble with self-confidence? Remember to visualize. Imagine yourself confidently competing over and over again until that becomes your new reality.

Distract Yourself
Of course you dont want to be distracted during a competition, but immediately before -- why not? Talk with teammates or fellow competitors, read a book, listen to music -- whatever helps keep your mind from generating negative thoughts.

Focus on That Which You Can Control

If you find yourself worrying about who is in the crowd watching you, or that the other competitors are better than you -- remind yourself that these are aspects of the competition that are out of your control. What you can control is your own performance, how well prepared you are, and how well you implement techniques and strategies such as progressive muscle relaxation and imagery. Unfortunately, some people experience severe anxiety in athletic performance situations that is not improved through the use of self-help strategies. Indeed, sometimes just visiting with a therapist can boost the usefulness of these strategies - first, because you are accountable to someone for the work that you do and the progress that you make and second, because there is someone who believes that you can get better. If your symptoms are getting worse, consider speaking to your doctor or asking for a referral to a mental health professional who can determine whether you meet criteria for a diagnosis of SAD, and what form of treatment is best suited to your situation.

Social Anxiety Disorder: Coping For Family Members

If you have a family member with social anxiety disorder (SAD), it can be a challenge to support that person while not neglecting your own needs. You can do many things to ensure that your own wellbeing is not compromised in the process of caring for your family member. First, it is important to understand the impact that the disorder may have on you as a family member.

Impact of SAD

If a family member has suffered a long time with SAD without a diagnosis, the disorder has probably put a strain on the family. You may have spent months or years not knowing what was wrong. Although a diagnosis is a positive step towards repairing strained family relations, recovery is still a long process, and one that requires work on the part of everyone involved. When someone in your family has SAD, there can be far-reaching effects on your own emotional wellbeing. If your spouse has SAD, you may feel resentful that she does not want to join you in typical social activities such as family gatherings or parties. If your child has SAD, you may feel guilty, blame yourself, or wonder what you may have done to cause him to develop the disorder. Unfortunately, feelings of anger, resentment and guilt make it hard for you to be supportive of your family member. It is normal to have these feelings, but it is also important to learn how to manage your emotions so that they dont interfere with your ability to help. In general, knowing your own personal limitations and taking actions to maintain your own physical and mental health will make it easier to manage negative emotions when they arise.

Taking Care Of Yourself

In the course of looking after someone else, you may find that you neglect to take care of yourself. You may give up favorite activities or become isolated from friends and family. Over time, high levels of stress may take a toll on your well-being. Remember that recovery is a stressful time for you too, and it is important to look after yourself.

Keep up Outside Interests. Although it may be tempting to back out of social commitments during this stressful time, it is important not to sacrifice your own interests. Meet up with friends, join clubs or sporting groups, or volunteer for a cause that interests you. Having an active social life outside the family will help to recharge your energy and make you better able to help your family member. It will also provide you with a social support network during times of high stress. Set Aside Feelings of Guilt. It is not your fault that your family member developed the disorder. SAD is the result of biological and psychological factors that are out of your control. Focus on the positive things that you can do to support your family member now. Seek Family Counseling or a Support Group. If the negative impact of the disorder on your family has become too overwhelming, family counseling or a support group may be a good option. Both counseling and support groups will enable you to manage the impact of the disorder on family life and better understand what your family member is experiencing. Counseling and support groups are usually available through a community hospital, clinic or mental health organization.

In general, taking the time to meet your own needs will give you more energy and patience to help your family member cope with SAD. If you start to feel overwhelmed, take one day at a time and focus on striking a balance between offering support and taking time for yourself.

Developing Good Eye Contact

Eye contact is an important aspect of social interaction, and it is something that many shy and socially anxious people have difficulty with. Often people with social anxiety describe looking someone in the eyes as anxiety-provoking and uncomfortable. This is likely due, in part, to genetic wiring -- studies have shown that people diagnosed with social anxiety disorder (SAD) have a stronger fear response than others. If you have SAD, the part of your brain that warns you of danger can be set off by something as simple as the gaze of a stranger.

Fortunately, with proper treatment including cognitive-behavioral therapy and/or medication, most people with SAD can learn to overcome this fear response and maintain better eye contact -- a key aspect of effective communication with others. Communications expert Robert Graham offers training in delivering presentations, and one of his tips for good eye contact can be translated into conversational settings when speaking to more than one person: When speaking to a group of people, instead of thinking of the group as a whole, imagine that you are having individual conversations with one person in the group at a time. As you speak, choose one person in the group and pretend that you are talking just with that person. Look at him as you finish your thought or sentence. As you begin a new sentence or idea, choose another person in the group and look her in the eye as you finish your thought. Make sure that you eventually include everyone in the group. What if looking someone in the eye is still too difficult? Choose a spot directly between or slightly above the listeners eyes. If this doesnt feel comfortable, try letting your eyes go slightly out of focus. This has the added benefit of softening and relaxing your gaze. Staring too intensely will turn people off and make them uncomfortable. By employing some of these strategies for good eye contact, you will make your listeners feel more connected and increase the likelihood that you will feel more comfortable when speaking to a group of people.

Anxiety Self-Help Technique: Grading Your Worries

There are several ways you can adjust your thinking to create an experience that will lower anxiety. To combat the feeling that life events are overwhelming, you can try a simple technique known as grading. It may seem simplistic and obvious, but few people actually follow through on using it. If you do, it can be an excellent way to relieve some anxiety and get a better grip on the things happening in your life. Click here for more Strategies to Reduce Worrying.

Grading
The thrust of this technique is to write out and assign values of magnitude to various stressors and anxiety provoking situations. Here are the steps: First, if you find yourself in a stressed out or anxiety state, take a moment to collect your thoughts. Second, create four columns on a piece of paper for daily, mild, major, and cultural. Third, start going through all of your worries and place them into the appropriate column. In the daily column put small things that you encounter most days (traffic, getting the kids off to school, social situations, etc). In the mild column put things that are more timely but hold some small level of worry (test or work presentation, planning a party, having a difficult conversation, etc). In the major column put things that are causing more significant anxiety and have higher stakes (significant relationship problems, issues at work/school, economic problems, etc). Finally, in the cultural column, put things that are happening in the world that affect your anxiety level regularly (the war, negative news stories, the economy, etc). You may be surprised to find out how many of these things can be involved in your anxiety experience that you may not regularly acknowledge.

Find Solutions
Now that you have your list in front of you, go through the various columns and decide whether you can: (a) take action or prepare (b) let go of the worry (c) learn to accept it You may be surprised to find out how many things are within your control and can be changed without much stress. Feel free to add columns or include other possible solutions as you see fit. Additionally, it may be helpful to do this experience regularly and save the sheets to have a record of what you were worrying about at various time and how you were able to make changes.

Anxiety & Procrastination

Sometimes people with anxiety issues, or even generalized anxiety disorder, have problems with procrastination. Three major sources for this are: perfectionism, worry about results, and low selfefficacy. How to cope with anxiety

Perfectionism
Many times, people with anxiety also struggle with some degree of perfectionism. Worrying that something needs to be perfect to be valuable and worthwhile can leave someone paralyzed with inaction. The most important strategy for battling perfectionism and anxiety is rationally assessing the situation. Take a realistic look at whether something needs to be perfect or not, and follow the results of this assessment. Few things we will ever encounter in our lives need to be perfect. If the thing you have to do doesnt actually need to be perfect, then try and get started with your best effort and accept that it will be good enough. An example would be allowing yourself to stop writing a paper after it has reached a point of "good enough" rather than rereading it a dozen times to perfect it.

Worry About Results

Another source of procrastination is worrying about what will happen after the event or work is completed. Sometimes we remain in a state of inaction as a way to avoid the results. The most important strategy in this situation is remembering that for most things, the results will come whether you avoid and procrastinate or not. Many people find it helpful to simply get started on something and get the news. The longer we put off potentially stressful results, the longer we have to live in a state of uncertainty and waiting, which is a huge source of anxiety itself.

Low Self-Efficacy
Self-efficacy is your beliefs in your ability to do something. Many times people procrastinate because they fear that they cannot do something well or because they do not know where to begin. Sometimes there is a reality that we are unable to perform well, and accepting that limitation or seeking help are important processes to begin if that is true. The key to accurately assessing our ability is to look back on similar things we have done and the results. If results are generally good, then use that knowledge as a source of strength to get started on the project. Additionally, if you struggle with finding out where to begin, often, simply beginning anywhere -- even with the easiest task -- is to get the ball rolling.