GREAT SCOTT..!

A RADIO ADAPTATION OF AN ORIGINAL STAGE MUSICAL FOR SWEET TALK PRODUCTIONS Original Stage Musical Written by Steve Bell & Hugh Card Adapted from the Original Stage Musical for Radio by Steve Bell & Hugh Card Music for Original Stage Musical by Joe Bell & Isaac Cockburn Music Adapted from the Original Stage Musical for Radio by Joe Bell & Isaac Cockburn 57.5 minutes 1st Draft Edit date: 23-08-06 We want it raw, and we want more HUGH CARD, FLAT 3, 4 CLERMONT ROAD, BRIGHTON BN1 6SG TEL: 01273 556881 EMAIL: hughcard@btinternet.com STEVE BELL, 58 STANFORD AVENUE, BRIGHTON BN1 6FD TEL: 01273 500664 EMAIL: belltoons@ntlworld.com SCOTTRADIOFORMAT 1 HOUR3.DOC

SCENE 1 SOMEWHERE/NOWHERE DAY GRAMS: BRITISH NATIONAL ANTHEM MIXED WITH BATTLING ANTHEMS TITLES OVER GRAMS ANNOUNCER: (D) (OVER GRAMS) (THINK WAX CYLINDER RECORDING) War with Norway came a step nearer today as men in beards gathered in the fjords. Suspicious seabird activity has been observed on the south coast of Britain, and a number of alien penguins have been interned in Regents Park. F/X: (OVER GRAMS) BANG CRASH LOCKS CHAINS ETC. VERY QUIET, PATHETIC SQUAWK ANNOUNCER: (D) (OVER GRAMS) Subjects of the Empire: be on your guard against secret agents. GRAMS: FADE BATTLING ANTHEMS SCENE 2 EXT PENGUIN POOL DAY ENTER BIRDIE, AN UNDERCOVER PENGUIN DISGUISED AS A BRITISH EXPLORER F/X: F/X: BIRDIE: 1ST PENGUIN: BIRDIE: (LOW) PATHETIC SQUAWKS APPROACHING SLAP, SLAP OF WEBBED FEET (CLOSE) Squawk..! Pssst!!! Ive come to rescue you! Squawk! Not now!! Why?

PENGUINS: PENGUINS:

(TOGETHER) Squawk! Because its feeding time!!! DEAFENING SQUAWKING & FISH RELATED WORDS FISH TURBOT HADDOCK FLOUNDER BLOATER HAKE CONGER EEL

GRAMS: PENGUINS: Our love is fish, Its like a turbot in the sun It shouts hello To let you know This shiny foolish creatures Blues are on the run Our love is fish, A haddock racing gainst the tide, With flashing tail, A silver flail Its sleekly pinkish gills aflap And opened wide We want fresh fish, We want it now We dont want pork Or lamb or cow We want it raw And we want more Than you could wish Our love is fish

OUR LOVE IS FISH 3 MINUTES

Our love is fish, A cod who feels the coming spring, Its mouth agape What could escape Except a nimble flying fish Upon the wing Our love is fish, The hot flush of a conger eel, You eat soft roe Because you know That if you dont it will Be snapped up by a seal

When we swim, were after fishes We just grin, cos theyre delicious We kill fish, but not for vengeance We can swim, we dont need engines We are cool! Were no-ones fool Were singing penguins! We want fresh fish, We want it now We dont want pork Or lamb or cow We want it raw And we want more Than you could wish Our love is fish

SCENE 3 INT. ENTRANCE OF ROYAL GEOGRAPHICAL SOCIETY DAY F/X: EDWARDIAN STREET SOUNDS ENTER SCOTT CLOSING DOOR BEHIND HIM F/X: SCOTT: DOOR CLOSES STREET SOUNDS STOP Oh golly..! Ive always dreamt of being here in the London Head Quarters of The Royal Geographical Society..! Im a lucky man, my name is Scott, Im British and just as I feel the need to make a patriotic gesture, the axis of the earth shifts and now there is a New South Pole to discover. I want Sir Clement Markham to back my expedition. All I have to do is clench my fists, and my buttocks, show spunk and hes bound to pay up. SIR CLEMENT MARKHAM EMERGES F/X: HUGE FART

SIR CLEMENT: SCOTT: SIR CLEMENT: SCOTT: SIR CLEMENT: SCOTT:

[BOOMING] Who the hell are you? Robert Scott, Sir Clement What of it are you family? Whose family? My family you idiot Dont recognise the tie Institute of Advanced Motorists sir Oh dear, this isnt going well.

SIR CLEMENT:

(SEXY) Nonsense, I like the cut of your jib. Where do you want to go?

SCOTT: SIR CLEMENT: SCOTT: SIR CLEMENT:

The New South Pole sir. Bloody cold have you got the spunk for it? Oh yes sir Good man, come and sit on my knee. SCOTT SITS ON SIR CLEMENTS KNEE

SIR CLEMENT: SCOTT: SIR CLEMENT: SCOTT: SIR CLEMENT:

(CLOSE) Do you like sleeping bags? (CLOSE) Oh yes (CLOSE) Dont mind webbed feet and the smell of fish? (CLOSE) No... (CLOSE) Then I know just the chap Birdie Bowers, shared many a sleeping bag with him myself
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SCOTT: SIR CLEMENT:

(CLOSE) In the Antarctic sir? (LOUD) No, New Forest get off my knee will you, the old billiards injury is playing up. SCOTT JUMPS OFF SIR CLEMENTS KNEE

F/X: SCOTT: SIR CLEMENT:

JUMPS OFF LAP Right away sir When do I meet Bowers? Birdie? Hell be along soon dresses in a dickey bow and eats roll mops, but then it takes all sorts Ah! Here he is now ENTER BIRDIE

F/X: BIRDIE: SIR CLEMENT:

WEBBED FEET Squawk! Birdie, Scott here is going to the New South Pole. I want you to tag along.

BIRDIE: SIR CLEMENT:

Squawk! Good man; Ill leave you to pick the team. See you later chaps kiss, kiss EXIT SIR CLEMENT

BIRDIE: SCOTT:

Squawk! Are these equal opportunity interviews? Not if Im sharing a sleeping bag whos first? ENTER EVANS
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F/X:

MILITARY BOOTS AT THE DOUBLE AND A STAMP TO ATTENTION

EVANS: SCOTT:

Petty Officer Evans Sir! Stand easy Evans, just a few questions Would you say you come from the lower orders?

EVANS: BIRDIE: EVANS: SCOTT: EVANS: BIRDIE: EVANS: SCOTT: EVANS: SCOTT: F/X:

Oh yes sir, thank you very much sir Squawk! How do you spend your spare time Evans? I like peeling potatoes sir. You dont mind repetitious, mindless activity? So long as it doesnt hurt How will your family cope with you being away? Squawk! Theyll get a dog Sir. Can you recall an occasion when you showed initiative? No sir. Good, youre hired. Send in the next man on your way out. MILITARY BOOTS EXIT AT THE DOUBLE EXIT EVANS - ENTER OATES WITH HORSE

F/X:

WHINNY OF HORSE, THEN APPROACHING CLIPCLOP, & CLOSER WHINNY

OATES:

Hello chaps, Larry Oates, Captain, Kings Own Mounted Sappers and this is Dobbin, my faithful steed.

SCOTT:

Havent heard of The Mounted Sappers Oates Surprised the War Office found the cash for a new regiment.

OATES: SCOTT: OATES: SCOTT: OATES: SCOTT: OATES:

Actually, they didnt; I bankrolled the whole outfit myself. (INTERESTED) Ah, like to pay your way Oates? Why, are you short of the spondulicks? An injection would not go amiss. Say no more, heres a cheque I made out as I was waiting. Good god, this will pay for the whole trip! Youre in Oates Thats awfully nice of you. [PAUSE] Sir hope you dont mind me asking but that tie youre wearing Is it service, club or school? Cant quite seem to place it

SCOTT:

(DEFENSIVELY) On this expedition Oates, youll find its spunk that counts, not what tie you wear.

OATES:

Couldnt agree more although I find the old thing a bit of a comfort sometimes

GRAMS: OATES: The Old School Tie The tie that binds It pulled my curtains Drew my blinds The Old School Tie

THE OLD SCHOOL TIE 3 MINUTES

It opened doors It wiped my windows Swept my floors The Old School Tie It knocked them dead I helped de-crust My daily bread The Old School Tie The Game of Life Dealt me my cards I left my school And joined the guards I played my hand Life took its course I fell in love With my first horse My Old School Tie Rose through the ranks I was aflame Like two short planks I learnt to handle Horse and gun Almost in time For World War One Youve chosen me And I know why I straighten up The Old School Tie The Old School Tie Choke back the tears And heave a sigh Im thanking you My Old School Tie The Old School Tie I think youll find Can help you if Youve half a mind The Old School Tie I think youll find Can help you if Youve half a mind

SCOTT:

Alright Oates, youve made your point.

OATES:

I say sir, Dobbin and I are just off for a nosebag and a tincture would you care to join us?

SCOTT:

Happy to share a nosebag Oates, but Adams Ale is my tipple. Are you coming Birdie?

BIRDIE: SCOTT:

Squawk! No sir, I have an appointment with my fishmonger. Right you are, come on Oates. EXIT SCOTT, OATES & DOBBIN

F/X: BIRDIE:

RETREATING CLIP-CLOPS AND WHINNIES Squawk! Alone at last, now to setup the Cod-Pod and receive my orders. BIRDIE PRODUCES AN ANTARCTIC IPOD

BIRDIE: F/X: QUEEN:

Squawk! ELECTRONIC BLEEP (D) This is Maureen, Queen of all Penguins, speaking from the homeland in Antarctica. By now Birdie you will have insinuated yourself into the company of human explorers who plan to invade our land. These are your instructions... You will return to the prison known as London Zoo, release your brothers and sisters from captivity, smuggle them aboard Scotts vessel The Terra Nova and thus realise our deepest desire to have our boys home before the British summer sets in. This Cod-Pod will self-destruct in ten seconds May the fish be with you EXIT BIRDIE

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F/X:

RAPIDLY RETREATING WEBBED FEET ENTER SIR CLEMENT

SIR CLEMENT:

Scott, I was going to mention that Oh, theres no one here. Whats this electrical thing? Its amazing what the boffins can come up with these SIR CLEMENT IS BLOWN UP

F/X: SIR CLEMENT:

MASSIVE EXPLOSION, FALLING MASONRY ETC. Agh..! Bloody Norwegians..! SCENE 4 EXT. NORWAY DAY AMUNDSEN DRIVES HIS DOG SLEDGE SWIFTLY ACROSS THE SNOW

F/X: GRAMS: AMUNDSEN & DOGS: Norwegian dogs Norwegian dogs Nobody pulls like A Norwegian dog They like to go Fast in a row Eating raw seal meat And sleeping in snow They fear a smack They wont talk back Cringing and howling Theyll carry your pack When things get rough Hungry and tough You can just eat them

SLEDGE RUNNERS ON SNOW & HUSKY HOWLS NORWEGIAN DOGS 2 MINUTES

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Theyre meat that goes Wuff! Norwegian dogs Norwegian dogs Nothing quite tastes like A Norwegian dog Norwegian dogs Norwegian dogs Nothing quite tastes like A Norwegian dog AMUNDSEN: F/X: AMUNDSEN: Wo..! Stop Rolf, you filthy hound..! STOP SLEDGE RUNNERS ON SNOW Well Rolf, here we are at Mr Nansens place. Thereve been changes since we were last here like the neon sign Nansens Norwegian Sex Club & Dog ranch Oh well; at least he still has the Norwegian flag flying. ENTER NANSEN NANSEN: Good Saint Olaf, it is Roald Amundsen..! Amundsen my dear young prodigy, how are you..? AMUNDSEN: Ah..! Fridtjof Nansen..! My heroic mentor..! The one we Norwegians call the Explorers Explorer..! NANSEN: F/X: AMUNDSEN: Thats a cocky spaniel you have there my friend. HUSKY HOWL He is Rolf my lead husky. I have trained him using your methods. NANSEN: F/X: Have you read todays Ideal Fjord..? Here, take a look RUSTLE OF NEWSPAPER

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AMUNDSEN:

Ideal Fjord what a paper, it is so parochial. Listen to this Local Man Has Sense of Humour Slur. And this No Shortage of Christmas Trees Expected in Norway this Year Well, what a fjoerken relief!

NANSEN:

What a pity it is that we Norwegians have not invented the radio yet. Never mind... turn to the World News section Amundsen.

AMUNDSEN:

Axis of World Shifts, Race to the New South Pole on the Cards I bet those British public schoolboys will try to get there first. I must give them a run for their moneys

NANSEN:

But how will you finance an expedition? (PAUSE) I tell you what, I will get you transport to the Antarctic and pay for your expedition providing you get to the New South Pole first.

AMUNDSEN: NANSEN:

And if I dont get there first, my great mentor and hero..? You and your dog can work off your debt servicing the customers in my sex club on condition that Rolf shows an aptitude for the work.

AMUNDSEN: F/X: AMUNDSEN: F/X: AMUNDSEN:

Rolf..! Come here..! Rolf, come and be erotic for Mr Nansen. HUSKY SCAMPERS AWAY WHINING Come back here you pesky hound! HUSKY SCAMPERS BACK HOWLING Rolf, you must demonstrate to Mr Nansen you are filled with canine promise. Do your flagpole dancing routine.

GRAMS:

CANINE POLE DANCING MUSIC

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ROLF DOES EROTIC FLAGPOLE DANCING F/X: NANSEN: (OVER GRAMS) PANTING HUSKY (OVER GRAMS) You know Amundsen; I find Rolfs doggy contortions quite arousing. F/X: AMUNDSEN: (OVER GRAMS) HUSKY ENJOYMENT (OVER GRAMS) (SNAPS) That is quite enough Rolf..! You will exhaust yourself before the expedition F/X: AMUNDSEN: F/X: GRAMS: NANSEN: (OVER GRAMS) HUSKY ENJOYMENT (OVER GRAMS) Stop it Rolf..! You are a brazen husky..! SLAP HUSKY YELP STOP GRAMS Alright Amundsen, you can take my ship, the aging millionaires cruiser the SS Grey Krone. I have a plan which will deceive the British. You will announce you are leading an expedition of elderly sex tourists to the plunging mountains, tumbling waterfalls and deep inlets of the Norwegian Fjords. In fact you will really be plunging southwards to plant the Norwegian flag at the New South Pole. Meanwhile I have plans to plant my pole elsewhere! AMUNDSEN: F/X: GRAMS: Rolf...! Get the team back in harness..! HUSKIES HOWL NORWEGIAN LOVE (20 SECONDS) FADE AS NANSEN & AMUNDSEN EXIT ON DOG SLEDGE

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AMUNDSEN, NANSEN & DOGS: Norwegian love Norwegian love Women go crazy For Norwegian love Stars up above Wings of a dove Taking you up there For Norwegian love Norwegian love Norwegian love Women go crazy For Norwegian love Push comes to shove Fits like a glove Hammering hard pounding Norwegian love Norwegian love Norwegian love Women go crazy For Norwegian love Stars up above Wings of a dove Taking you up there For Norwegian love Norwegian love Norwegian love Im gonna give her Some Norwegian love Push comes to shove Fits like a glove Hammering hard pounding Norwegian love

SCENE 5 EXT. GARDEN SCOTT RESIDENCE DAY SCOTT & KATHLEEN SAY THEIR FAREWELLS F/X: BIRDS TWITTER

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SCOTT:

Oh Kathleen, I do so want to make a patriotic gesture darling, and with you on my side, how can I fail..?

KATHLEEN:

Well if you must my love you will have my sincere gratitude er I mean admiration.

SCOTT:

Thank you darling, I shall take it with me and cherish it no matter what fate has in store.

KATHLEEN: SCOTT: KATHLEEN:

Have you got everything..? Ive this memory of you; I shall take with me and cherish it (INTERRUPTING) Yes, I know, no matter what fate has in store. Goodbye darling

SCOTT:

Goodbye darling..! (BEAT) Shake hands? THEY SHAKE HANDS - PAUSE

KATHLEEN: SCOTT: KATHLEEN: SCOTT: KATHLEEN: SCOTT:

Have you changed your mind..? No dear. Then er are you going to toddle off then..? I could, but its not quite time yet darling. You know I cant stand goodbyes Robert. Neither can I Kathleen, but departure time is zero nine hundred hours and Im going by the book. PAUSE - KATHLEEN CLEARS HER THROAT

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KATHLEEN:

Robert, cant you go and loiter at the end of the drive or something..? I want to read the paper.

SCOTT: KATHLEEN: SCOTT: GRAMS: SCOTT & KATHLEEN: SCOTT

I was wondering, shall we sing a song or something..? Yes, I suppose so darling if we must. Right ho. IM GOING SOUTH DEAR 2 MINUTES 30

Im going south, dear May be several years Look to the child, dear Tell him no tears Give him my best, dear Sincere regards This is a test, dear Conclusions hard You will go farther, dear Than any man You will return, dear Fulfil the plan Inspire the child, dear Conquer that place You will win through, dear Improve the race My hat is on, dear Coat is buttoned up The horse is groomed, dear I need no stirrup cup My bags are packed dear Pledges made, I vow Be of good cheer, dear Must leave you now. EXIT SCOTT ABRUPTLY

KATHLEEN

SCOTT

F/X:

RETREATING BOOTS ON GRAVEL

17

KATHLEEN

Youre going south, dear May be several years The child is staunch, dear Controlled his fears We are your kin, dear And look to you Where have you gone, dear? This is a rum old do

KATHLEEN:

God, hes just wandered orff..! Blithering idiot! He wont get as far as Portsmouth in these conditions Its just started drizzling,

F/X: KATHLEEN:

PHONE RINGS Yes? (BEAT) My Norwegian explorer, which one? (BEAT) Oh Frito its you! What wonderful timing, hes just gone. (BEAT) Yes, I am wearing the slit, sealskin knickers you gave me. (BEAT) Yes, Robert isnt the only one with Edwardian exploration fantasies. (PAUSE) That sounds wonderful darling! SCENE 6 EXT. THE DOCKS DAY BIRDIE HERDS PENGUINS INTO PACKING CASE

F/X: BIRDIE: F/X: BIRDIE:

WEBBED FOOTSTEPS & SUBDUED SQUAWKS (LOW) Squawk! Come on penguins quick as you can! LOUDER WEBBED FOOTSTEPS & SQUAWKS (LOW) Squawk! Be quiet get into that big packing case. The one with only to be opened in case of direst emergence in big, red letters on the side Ill nail you in

F/X:

NAILS BANGED INTO PACKING CASE

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BIRDIE:

There brothers and sisters, you are on your way home ENTER ENERGETIC YOUNG DOCKERS TO LOAD SCOTTS BOAT. THE SCOT PARTY LEND A HAND VOICES SHOUT

1ST VOICE: 2nd VOICE: 1ST VOICE: 2ND & 3RD VOICE: GRAMS: 1ST VOICE:

Heave away there..! Heave, heave..! Heave away there..! Heave, heave, heave..! LOAD UP THE BOAT Load up! Load up! Load up the boat!

2ND, 3RD & 4TH VOICE: What can we take..? 1ST VOICE: GRAMS: SCOTT PARTY & DOCKERS: Ive got gate leg tables And Aesops Fables And a mangle for wringing my shirt Ive got a case of scotch And a gold chain watch And a spade for digging the dirt Ive got a can of worms And an eel that squirms And a bible from my Auntie Wyn And I will take A barrow full of cake If you can fit it in What have you got..? LOAD UP THE BOAT 2 MINUTES

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Ive got a cabin trunk Thats filled with junk Id like to take to sea Ive got my aunties vest To cover my chest And a vicar to abide with me Ive got smelling salts And nuts and bolts To stop me falling apart And if you bar My Rover car Ill pack the horse and cart

EVANS: SCOTT:

(SHOUTING OFF) Tides up sir, shall I weigh anchor? Yes, weigh anchor Evans record the weight in the log book then er hoist the main Boatswain

EVANS: F/X:

(SHOUTING OFF) Aye, aye sir Let go forard! Let go aft! SHIPS BELL RINGS SCENE 7 EXT. SS GREY KRONE - DAY

F/X:

SEA BIRDS, SEALS, LAPPING WAVES AMUNDSEN & ROLF ARE ON DECK

AMUNDSEN:

Ah Rolf what a relaxing trip. A few days sitting on deck with the endless supply of cocktails and before we are knowing it here it is the Antarctic. Look at the teeming wildlife. You like to teem with the wildlife dont you Rolf?

F/X: AMUNDSEN:

HUSKY HOWL Contain yourself Rolf, well be ashore soon. Stay here on the promenade deck; Im going for some duty-free.

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EXIT AMUNDSEN A WHALE COMES ALONGSIDE F/X: WHALE: ROLF: WHALE: WHALE RELATED SPLASHING Umm..! Ah..! Love Doggy! Woof..? Down here in the sea child Bend yer sweet little head over the side and attend to a Whale who knows the score. GRAMS: WHALE: THE SONG OF THE WHITE WHALE 3 MINUTES Hooverin up that plankton babeh I caint get enough o that stuff, babe! You can stroke my puppy babeh Ifn you think hes hard enough, yeah! Hooverin up that plankton babeh I caint get enough o that stuff, babe! My puppy wants to love you babeh Wants to get inside your warm sweet muff ROLF: WHALE: ROLF: WHALE: Woof..? Dont go woofin me sugar. You know what Im talking about. (GRUFF) No I dont Hey, now youre talking child Are you lookin for the dog bowl of love, puppy..? I can see youre hungry for it. ROLF: (PANTS) Yeah, yeah

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WHALE:

Learn from me child: I was mean cetacea affore I found it with Baby. Man, was I filled with sperm and shit. I thought about nothing but plankton til I hears the great commotion.

ROLF: WHALE:

Grrrreat commotion..? You said it puppy, it was a song of love across the world Save the whale and I was saved baby.

ROLF: WHALE:

Grrrreen Peace..? No child, I was saved by lovin. Baby took away all my troubles and now I spout the gospel of love. Dya feel Im comin honey Throbbin rumblin like a quake Wo my balls are burstin babeh Spoutin fountain thick fish shake Ah..! And there she blows honey child..!

F/X: ROLF: WHALE:

MALE WHALE ORGASM Grrrruesome..! It is doggy, but it sure beats sniffing ass..! Theres just one oily slick on the sea of my tranquillity. The Whaling Commission has let them Jap-an-ese go hunting us for reasons of science and the con-tin-u-ation of the foundation garment industry. I dont mind being harpooned by love, but I sure as hell aint going give my bones for no corset fetishist..! Know what I mean hound..?

ROLF:

Grrrrim.

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WHALE: ROLF: WHALE:

Say, what you doing here? (PANTS) Master huh find huh New South Pole. Why, that aint nothing but searchin for love. You tell that man of yours only place he going to find love is in the heart of a fine woman Keep lovin puppy..! THE WHALE SINGS AS HE SWIMS AWAY

F/X: WHALE:

WHALE FLUKES SPLASHING

Hooverin up that plankton babeh I caint get enough o that stuff, babe..! You can stroke my puppy babeh Wants to get inside your warm sweet muff

SONG FADES INTO: SCENE 8 EXT. SHORE OF ANTARCTIC CLOSE TO SS GREY KRONE - DAY GRAMS: F/X: DISTANT WHALE SONG WAVES ON ICY SHORE, SEA BIRDS CONTEMPLATIVE, WEBBED FEET ON ICE MAUREEN: (CLOSE) I love to hear the white whale sing. It brings memories of being a chick on my fathers warm feet. Hed weep were he here to see me, queen of all the penguins, left alone to face the heartless assault of humanity.

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GRAMS:

FINAL NOTES OF WHALE SONG FADE MAUREEN SPOTS A BOTTLE ON THE SHORE

MAUREEN:

(CLOSE) What is this washed up on the shore? It is like clear ice but it has something inside; a picture perhaps?

F/X: MAUREEN:

BOTTLE SMASHED (CLOSE) It is a picture Ah! It is the good and worthy human I see in my dreams a man I might love. If only his image could speak to me. What is this..?

F/X:

CLINKING BROKEN GLASS MAUREEN RETRIEVES A WAX RECORDING CYLINDER

MAUREEN:

(CLOSE) Ah here are grooves on a waxy cylinder and what is the strange object with a horn that has just this minute washed up on the beach? Ah I see, if I put the waxy cylinder thing in here (CLUNK) and then er Ah yes, this handle thing in here (CLICK) and turn it (SQUEAK, SQUEAK) and then gently lower my beak into the groove on the cylinder

EVANS:

(D) (WAX CYLINDER RECORDING) Terra Nova, 15th July. Dear Mum, I dont suppose youll read this, but a wax cylinder, audio massage in a large bottle is my best hope of letting you know what its really like working for Mr Scott. Im as loyal as the next man, but this project is not worth the candle. Mr Scott is only interested in his place in history. He is a fool. My pleasure is the beauty of the southern ocean and the wonders of the ice. I dread what insult this man will

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do to the pure lands of the Antarctic. God help us all Your loving son Evans. MAUREEN: Ah, at last I know his name I long to be with Evans, but what dangers must he overcome to be with me? SCENE 9 EXT. THE TERRA NOVA - DAY SCOTT PARTY ARE LOUNGING ABOUT ON DECK APART FROM EVANS WHO IS ALERT & BUSY F/X: SAILING SHIP NOISES, SEABIRDS, LIGHT WIND MORSE CODE SCOTT: EVANS: SCOTT: OATES: Evans! Whats that noise? Its a message coming in sir in Morse code Alright Evans What does it say Oates..? It says da, da, dit, dit, da, dit and I cant remember the first bit sir, but it could have been dit, dit, da, da SCOTT: OATES: BIRDIE: I know that you idiot..! What does it mean? Oh, I get your drift to tell you the truth sir. Squawk! From what I can make out sir, it says something like otters graze at 3 oclock SCOTT: EVANS: SCOTT: Must be in code, Evans get the code book. Excuse me sir but Evans..!

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EVANS: SCOTT:

Here you are sir. According to the code book, message reads: Utilise ukulele horizontal. All right Evans, get on with it.

EVANS: SCOTT: EVANS: F/X: SCOTT: F/X: EVANS: OATES: EVANS: SCOTT: EVANS: SCOTT: OATES:

Not wishing to appear insolent sir, but But nothing Evans, execute the order..! Very good sir..! EXPERT, VIRTUOSO UKULELE STRUMMING All right Evans, cease utilise ukulele horizontal at will..! STRUMMING STOPS Aye, aye, sir..! (PAUSE) I can read Morse code sir. Well bully for the Petty Officer Message reads Amundsen is headed south Has he got a ukulele with him..? Nothing about a ukulele sir. Damn it..! Hes travelling light sneaky bastard..! They are bastards though arent they sir..? Bloody Norwegians..!

EVANS: F/X:

Sir there was another bit to the message. INCREASING WIND & WAVES

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EVANS: SCOTT: F/X:

Storm coming our way sir hurricane force twelve..! Dont panic men, lash Evans to the helm and get below. PANICKED FEET ON COMPANIONWAYS, EVANS IS LEFT LASHED TO THE WHEEL

F/X: GRAMS: EVANS:

STORM AT SEA STORM MUSIC (CLOSE) (OVER GRAMS) Well Evans, once again its down to you You know I could swear were 200 miles south of where Mr Scott says we are THE SHIP CRASHES INTO ANTARCTICA

F/X: GRAMS: EVANS:

SPLINTERING ICE & TIMBERS FADE WIND FADE STORM MUSIC (CLOSE) Ah thought so. Here we are at the Antarctic Hey whos that gorgeous bird up on the iceberg?

GRAMS: MAUREEN: White nights, cold days A home for no man A paradise Of icy romance Im praying youll stay But Im fearing youll spend Some frozen moments With me

WHITE NIGHTS (2 MINUTES)

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Warm hearts, cold feet The foulest weather My prayer: well share These trials together I need you to hold me The law says you cant Were diffrent species You see Blizzards and icebergs And hard freezing rain Thousands of wrong kinds of snow These arent the suburbs You cannot complain Weather is like this You know All night, no day A change of season How dark my heart Your parts are freezing I warn you the cold Winter here has no end I lose my reason To be White nights, cold days A home for no man A paradise Of icy romance Im praying youll stay But Im fearing youll spend Some frozen moments With me

EVANS:

(V/O) Oh very nice Right shall I cook everyone breakfast or pass out from exhaustion? Oh go on Evans, treat yourself for once man (SIGHS & PASSES OUT) ENTER BIRDIE

F/X:

WEBBED FEET

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BIRDIE:

Squawk! Are you dead Evans? (PAUSE) Nothing good, he cant hear me. Wheres the flare gun?

F/X:

FLARE GUN SHOT IN AIR WITH HUGE EXPLOSION - APPROACHING WEBBED FEET & MUCH SQUAWKING

FIRST PENGUIN: BIRDIE: PENGUINS: BIRDIE:

Yo, Birdie..! Squawk..! Squawk..! Not so loud, Im undercover. Squawk! Fish! Birdie! Haddock! More Bream now! Etc. Squawk! Be quiet! You will wake the humans EVANS REGAINS CONSCIOUSNESS

EVANS: PENGUINS: BIRDIE:

(GROAN) Oh! Oh dear, where am I? Squawk! More Bream now! Fish! Birdie! Haddock! Etc. Squawk! Be quiet or hell see through my disguise! EVANS REALISES BIRDIE IS A PENGUIN

EVANS: F/X:

Christ almighty Birdie, youre a talking penguin! CHORUS OF DEAFENING PENGUIN SQUAWKING. ENTER SCOTT

SCOTT: EVANS: SCOTT:

What the hell is going on? Its Mr Birdie sir, hes a bloody pen (INTERRUPTING) Shut up Evans. Birdie, whats it about..?
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BIRDIE: SCOTT:

Its the natives sir theyve come to welcome you. Oh good Greetings from the King of England SCOTT IS SLAPPED WITH A FISH

F/X: FIRST PENGUIN: PENGUINS: SCOTT:

SLAP WITH FISH Squawk! Take that you fishcake! Go and drown..! Hands off our fish! Ouch..! Thank you for this fine fish, I shall take it with me and cherish it no matter what fate has in store.

F/X: PENGUINS:

VOLLEYS OF FISH Suck on a bloater..! Omelette eater..! Your mother was a jellyfish..! Etc.

SCOTT: PENGUINS: SCOTT: F/X: FIRST PENGUIN: SECOND PENGUIN: 1ST PENGUIN: SCOTT:

(SHOUTS) Dont pelt me with fish! Show me respect...!!! (TOGETHER) Why? (ABOVE THE JEERS) Because I have a gun! LOUD GUNSHOT Sorry sir. May we be of any assistance sir..? Would you like a blow job sir..? Thats more like it. Have you heard of Freedom..?

30

PENGUINS: SCOTT: PENGUINS: SCOTT: GRAMS: SCOTT:

(TOGETHER) No..! Do you want your freedom..? How much does it cost..? Its all in our terms and conditions I WANT YOUR FREEDOM 2 MINUTES

I want your freedom I want your justice I want your fully-fledged Democracy Give me your good faith Give me your friendship Give me your trust, Ill set you free PENGUINS He wants our freedom He wants our justice He wants our fully-fledged Democracy He wants our good faith He wants our friendship He wants the contents of the sea SCOTT The worlds a cruel place You need protection From foreign powers that are less scrupulous I want your comfort I want your safety I want secure prosperity PENGUINS The worlds a cruel place We need protection From foreign powers that are less scrupulous He wants our comfort He wants our safety

31

He wants our oil and fish for free

PENGUINS:

(SHOUTING TOGETHER) Fish! Squawk! More Bream now! Fish! Birdie! Haddock! Etc.

SCOTT:

Sod it Birdie; tell them theyre a British protectorate. Im going back to bed. EXIT SCOTT, EVANS, BIRDIE & PENGUINS STAY

BIRDIE:

Squawk..! Thanks for keeping mum Evans. I dont know what Mr Scott would have done if he found out I was a flightless seabird.

EVANS:

Frankly, I dont know why I did, I get no more respect from you than I do from them, and youre a bloody penguin..!

BIRDIE:

Im sorry Evans, I have to do it or they would become suspicious. You do seem to have a hard time of it, its true.

EVANS:

Yes, Im a person who likes to be led. People like me get a rough ride Still, Ive struggled hard to get where I am today. (PROUDLY) I rose from a family of Daily Mail readers. My family is famous in Llantwit Major. One look at me and they know Im an Evans; were so bloody ugly.

GRAMS:

SEX IN THE FAMILY (2 MINUTES) UKULELE ACCOMPANIMENT

EVANS:

[First verse spoken]

People often ask me Why my heads so flat, Why Ive got twelve fingers And a nose just like a rat I say my uncle did it

32

And my auntie did it to We keep sex in the family So heres my song for you..! My fathers sisters cousin Is my brothers aunties wife Her uncles mothers granddad Slept with grandma all his life My sister grannys step son Was my fathers cousins dad And we keep on interbreeding Though it makes us bleeding mad Interbreeding, interbreeding, Thats what we love to do. Interbreeding, interbreeding, Aunty must I breed with you..? My sisters love childs brother Is my fathers cousins boy My grannys cousins boyfriend Was the son of uncle Roy Who my mothers dad is We can never decide But when she killed her cousin She was charged with patricide Interbreeding, interbreeding, Thats what we love to do. Interbreeding, interbreeding, Aunty must I breed with you..?

F/X:

ENGINE BURSTS INTO LIFE FOR A MOMENT AND THEN EXPLODES - FRIGHTENED SQUAWKING RAPIDLY RETREATING WEBBED FEET ENTER SCOTT & OATES

SCOTT: OATES:

Bugger..! The motor sledge has blown up! Never mind sir. My horse Dobbin will get us to the Pole. Hitch him up Evans.

33

F/X: EVANS: F/X: EVANS:

WHINNY - HOOVES SLIPPING ON ICE Yes sir. Come on then Dobbin; lets get your harness on. WHINNY - HOOVES SLIPPING ON ICE Hes a bit unsteady on the ice sir. Is it his first time away from Ascot?

F/X:

WHINNY - FLAILING HOOVES - HORSE FALLS ON ICE - WHINNIES OF PAIN

OATES: EVANS:

Get Dobbin back on his feet Evans. (UPSET) I cant sir hes in too much pain. I think hes a goner SCOTT PULLS OUT A REVOLVER

F/X: SCOTT:

CLICKS OF GUN LOADED SAFETY CATCH ETC. Youve no idea how sorry I am about this old chap, but it would be hideous cruelty to animals to let you live

OATES: F/X:

Oh, please dont shoot my Dobbin sir STRANGULATED WHINNY, THEN A SHOT OATES BURSTS INTO TEARS

SCOTT: OATES:

Terribly sorry about Dobbin Oates Well he had a good life, albeit cold, short and miserable. We can manage without him sir.

34

SCOTT:

But if the motor sledge is broken and we have no dogs and the horse is dead [PAUSE] Ah Evans come; see if you fit into this attractive harness Chop! Chop!

EVANS: SCOTT: EVANS: SCOTT: EVANS:

Aye, aye sir..! How does it fit Evan..? Very snug thank you sir. Right Evans you get to pull the sledge. But Sir, do we really need all this stuff What about this big packing case with only to be opened in dire emergency stamped on it? (MUFFLED SQUAWKING FROM INSIDE PACKING CASE) And couldnt the officers do without a dinning room table and the candelabra?

OATES: SCOTT: EVANS: GRAMS: SCOTT PARTY:

Never! Shut up Evans Mush..! Mush..! (DEPRESSED) Aye, aye sir. THE TRUDGING SONG (SNATCH)

Trudging, trudging, trudging, trudging Fudging, fudging, fudging, fudging Every little job we do, Him or them or me or you. Stick on a plaster Staving off disaster, And never put the blame on me or you. Trudging, trudging, trudging, trudging Fudging, fudging, fudging, fudging

35

EXIT SCOTT PARTY SCENE 10 EXT. IN ANOTHER PART OF THE ANTARCTIC - DAY ROLF IS SNACKING. AMUNDSEN HUMMING THE NORWEGIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM WHILST WATCHING THE SCOTT PARTY THROUGH BINOCULARS F/X: AMUNDSEN: HUSKY EATING HUSKY (CLOSE) Ah at last, there are the British school boys. Rolf Rolf..? For goodnesss sake Rolf, stop eating your doggy friend. Here take my binoculars and look at this. (PAUSE) What do you think of that Rolf..? F/X: AMUNDSEN: HUSKY LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY (CLOSE) You would not believe it would you Rolf? They are pulling their own sledge! I thought the British were hypocrites who treat foreigners like dogs. But theyre not hypocrites they treat themselves like dogs also. F/X: AMUNDSEN: HUSKY LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY Ah they are slowing down SCENE 11 EXT. SCOTT & CO TRUDGING DAY SCOTT PARTY IS SLOWLY CROSSING THE ICE AMUNDSEN WATCHES THEM THROUGH BINOCULARS

36

GRAMS: SCOTT PARTY:

FADE IN TRUDGING SONG (15 SNATCH)

Trudging, trudging, trudging, trudging Fudging, fudging, fudging, fudging Every little choice we make, Mutton beef haddock or hake Break out the foie gras And the candelabra, Getting there is just a piece of cake. Trudging, trudging, trudging, trudging Fudging, fudging, fudging, fudging

THEY HALT OATES: God Im tired; unharness yourself and help me off with my snowshoes Evans SCOTT: EVANS: ALL: SCOTT: GRAMS: AMUNDSEN: Wheres our dinner Evans? Bit of a problem to there sir We didnt bring any food. (GROANS) Bugger! Etc. Nothing for it, we might as well go to bed. SNORING & EERIE DREAM MUSIC (OFF) (CLOSE) What is happening? Give me back the binoculars Rolf Ah the British boys have gone to sleep and are inadvertently acting out a dream sequence They are leaving their sleeping bag and striding in slow motion, towards a big imaginary pole

37

OATES:

(D) (SINGS) Here we go gathering nuts in May Can we dance around the May South Pole Sir?

SCOTT:

(D) (EUPHORIC) Yes yes breakout the May South Pole ribbons at will, and then dance..!

GRAMS: SCOTT:

(D) MORRIS DANCING MUSIC (D) Thats the way men dance for all youre worth. Im going to run-up the Union Jack..!

GRAMS: EVANS:

FADE OUT (D) MORRIS DANCING MUSIC (D) (EXCITED) Sir, sir, look what Ive found its a huge treacle pudding covered in lashings of custard..! Come on everyone eat!

F/X: SCOTT:

(D) SLURP, GLUBB, STUFF, CUSTARD SPLURGE (D) (MOUTHFUL) Here you are men a little Union Jack for every man to wave as you eat your treacle pudding!

AMUNDSEN:

(OFF) (CLOSE) Sure, I know what youre thinking Rolf but this is a British dream you see lets go down there and wake them up

SCOTT:

We made it..! One in the eye for the Norwegians..! ENTER AMUNDSEN & ROLF

AMUNDSEN:

What are you doing you stupid British public schoolboys..? This is just a fjoerken dream sequence.

SCOTT PARTY:

(TOGETHER) Oh no its not..!

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PLAY AUDIENCE IF THERE IS A OH YES IT IS RESPONSE AMUNDSEN (+ AUDIENCE?): SCOTT PARTY: AMUNDSEN: Oh yes it is!!!

(SNORES) ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!! Listen, face facts..? Youre having a British wet dream, which in this climate is extremely dangerous. You got no food, no transport and here comes that blizzard again. Get back to your sleeping bag and wake up..! (PAUSE) Good that is more like it Come on Rolf let us go to have our breakfast

F/X:

BLIZZARD EXIT AMUNDSEN & ROLF - SCOTT AWAKES

SCOTT:

(YAWNS) Nothing like a good nights sleep to restore ones strength after a successful expedition. I think a modest celebration is called for Oates, get up man, and you Birdie. We made it; we are the first to reach the New South Pole!

BIRDIE: SCOTT: OATES: SCOTT: OATES:

Squawk! But I thought it was only a dream No cant have been, I remember raising the Union Jack. It was a dream sir look at the flag. My god, weve been beaten by the Nigerians! No, no sir, the Nigerian flag is a broad, vertical stripe on a green background.

SCOTT:

I know, I meant the Danes.

39

BIRDIE: SCOTT: BIRDIE: OATES: SCOTT:

The Danish flag is a white cross on a red Background. Not bleeding Poland..? No sir, the polish flag is a white horizontal stripe over a red [INTERRUPTING] Im afraid its the Norwegian flag sir. [SHOUTING] Poo..! Bloody Norwegians..! Call themselves a sodding empire? Weeing Greenland, Iceland and some crappy place called Svaldbard, I ask you is that an empire? They flood Britain with shoddy translations of Henrik Ibsen and cheap reproductions of The Scream. Then its World War II and they give us willy bum Vidkun Quisling. Our brave boys rescue them and what do we get for all our blood sweat and tears..? (SHOUTING) A bloody Christmas tree once a sodding year..! Sod the lot of them..! SCOTT GOES INTO A SEVERE TANTRUM

SCOTT:

(SCREAMS) Agh! Bastards! Dog killing, dog eating bastards agh! EMBARRASSED PAUSE

OATES: EVANS: OATES: EVANS: F/X:

Good of you to be such a sport about it sir. Are you saying it was all just a dream then sir..? Yes Evans, there is no treacle pudding. Sod this for a game of solders Agh..! (DIES) WELSHMAN FALLS ON SNOW

40

SCOTT: BIRDIE: OATES:

Is Evans dead or slacking Birdie? Give him a poke Squawk! He is dead and slacking sir. My god, what a bloody fiasco. Im hungry, Im cold, weve failed, and weve nothing to eat.

F/X: OATES: SCOTT: OATES: F/X:

ENGINES OF APPROACHING DIRIGIBLE My god, look, its a Zeppelin..! No its an American dirigible Thank god were saved DEAFENING ROAR OF ENGINES LONE RANGER SHOUTS THROUGH LOUD HAILER

LONE RANGER (L.R):

(D) This is the Lone Ranger. Lie face down in the snow with your hands in the air!

SCOTT: L.R: SCOTT: L.R:

But thats impossible (D) Button it you fananimalist bastards (SPLUTTERS) But were English! (D) Keep still you Limey, fananimalist bastards Go down on the winch and frisk em Silver

F/X: OATES:

WINCH DESCENDING - ROBOTIC NEIGHING Oh god! Its a robot horse

41

F/X:

WINCH STOPS ROBOTIC NEIGHING - ROBOTIC KICKING TERRIFIED SCREAMING

L.R: SILVER: L.R:

(D) Thats the way kick em good Silver (D) (ROBOTIC) This ones got a gun (D) Only one gun..? The poor bastard Okay Silver strip em naked & pile em high

OATES: L.R: SILVER: SCOTT PARTY: L.R: SCOTT PARTY: L.R: SCOTT PARTY: L.R:

No, no, please! (D) Get your camera ready Silver (D) (ROBOTIC) Neigh blip neigh ark! (SCREAMS) No please no Dont do it to us! (D) Do you Limeys fear the Lord? Oh yes! (D) Do you really, really fear the Lord? Praise be the name of the Lord! (D) Time for your total immersion Silver kick em in the ice hole

F/X:

SPLASHES & SCREAMS

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GRAMS:

EVERYTHING RHYMES WITH JESUS (APPROX 2 MINS)

L.R:

(DISTORTED SUNG THROUGH LOUDHAILER)

Everything rhymes, everything rhymes Everything rhymes with Jesus Everything rhymes, all of the time Everything rhymes with Jesus My mom's a gorilla ma paws a rhesus I got chimpanzees as nieces I used to drink myself to pieces Till I woke up in a pool of my own faeces Everything rhymes, everything rhymes Everything rhymes with Jesus Everything rhymes, all of the time Everything rhymes with Jesus Freeman moxy, moxy an freeman Moxy freeman, freeman an a moxy Freem freem, freeman a mocacy Moxy moxy, mocacy an freeman Clap your hands and bend your kneeses Keep away from old French cheeses We hate evildoin geezers An we know where their WMDs is Everything rhymes, everything rhymes Everything rhymes with Jesus Everything rhymes, all of the time Everything rhymes with Jesus L.R: (D) Silver, breakout the Holy Root beer and the sacramental hamburgers! F/X: OATES: L.R: ROBOTIC HORSE NOISES This tastes like cardboard (D) Thats cos its a serving suggestion. Say, you guys look pretty cold. Silver, breakout the orange jump suits!

43

F/X: L.R: F/X: SCOTT: L.R:

ROBOTIC HORSE NOISES (D) Stand by to winch up, Silver ROBOTIC HORSE NOISES WINCH NOISE But youre not going to leave us here to die are you sir? (D) Limey we saved your ass in two world wars you dont expect us to do it again..! Hi ho Silver, away!

F/X: OATES: BIRDIE: SCOTT:

ENGINES OF DIRIGIBLE FADE TO DISTANCE So much for the special bloody relationship! Squawk! What are we going to do with Evans..? Well have to leave him hes dead weight now. Come on chaps pull on that sledge

GRAMS:

SNATCH OF TRUDGING SONG TO FADE (SNATCH)

SCOTT PARTY: Trudging, trudging, trudging, trudging Fudging, fudging, fudging, fudging Every little thing we say, Morning, evening, night or day Its so boring Wed rather be in Goring And hope the problem simply goes away. Trudging, trudging, trudging, trudging Fudging, fudging, fudging, fudging

44

ENTER QUEEN MAUREEN & PENGUINS THEY COME UPON EVANS BODY MAUREEN: F/X: MAUREEN: (OFF) What is that lying in the snow..? FAST APPROACHING WEBBED FEET Oh it is a dead human, I pray it is not Evans..! My love, my sweetheart, my world; my heart is broken. [SOBBING] Evans..! Evans..! Come my penguin subjects; bear his remains to a worthy place of rest. F/X: CHANT-LIKE SQUAWKING RETREATING SCENE 12 EXT. SCOTT PARTY DAY SCOTT, BIRDIE & OATES ARE PULLING THE SLEDGE GRAMS: SCOTT PARTY: Trudging, trudging, trudging, trudging Fudging, fudging, fudging, fudging Every little job we do, Him or them or me or you. Stick on a plaster Staving off disaster, And never put the blame on me or you. Trudging, trudging, trudging, trudging Fudging, fudging SNATCH OF TRUDGING SONG (SNATCH)

THEY HALT - SONG DISINTEGRATES

45

OATES:

Were going to die sir. You know what I hate most about all this?

SCOTT: OATES:

No, what? You actually sir. [PAUSE] Sir, Ive been thinking SCOTT IS IN LOVE WITH OATES.

SCOTT: OATES:

Yes darling er, I mean what is it Oates? That enormous packing case weve been dragging across the continent (MUFFLED PENGUIN SQUAWKING) has an only to be opened in direst emergency label on it, and

SCOTT:

Oates youre brilliant! We forgot the packing case! This must qualify as a dire emergency! Grab that crowbar and break it open!

F/X:

CROWBAR SPLINTERING WOOD GRUNTING FRONT OF THE CRATE FALLS AWAY

GRAMS: OATES: SCOTT: OATES: SCOTT: OATES: SCOTT:

CELESTIAL MUSIC Agh! I am blinded by the light! My god! Save yourself Oates! Look away from the crate! I cant There are celestial beings Oh how wonderful! Im sorry Oates, theyre not celestial beings. What are they then? Sodding penguins stand back theyre coming out.

46

A STREAM OF PENGUINS ISSUES FROM CRATE GRAMS: THE CHORUS OF THE HEBREW SLAVES FROM VERDIS NABUCCO THEN FADE TO SILENCE (15 SECONDS) PAUSE OATES: F/X: SCOTT: Oh shit! BLIZZARD Its bloody snowing again Put up the tent Birdie then give Oates a hand, he looks a little out of sorts. F/X: BIRDIE: INSTANT TENT ERECTION Squawk! In you go Oates theres a good chap into the sleeping bag. Squawk! (CALLS TO SCOTT) Squawk! Ive put Captain Oates in the tent Mr Scott. Im just off for a cold shower. F/X: RETREATING WEBBED FEET SCENE 13 EXT. ANTARCTIC NEARBY DAY AMUNDSEN & DOG TEAM ARE GLIDING HOMEWARD ACROSS THE ICE F/X: BLIZZARD - HISSING SLEDGE RUNNERS HUSKY HOWLS AMUNDSEN: F/X: Hold it Rolf! Stop the team. SLEDGE STOPS

47

AMUNDSEN:

Hand me my binoculars. I want to watch this character building moment in the history of piss-poor British planning Ah where has all that spunk got them? Now we are first to the New South Pole and under no obligation to be workers in Nansens sex club, we could return to our Latin lifestyle in Oslo, or we could turn back and offer them a lifesustaining dog sandwich

F/X: AMUNDSEN:

HUSKY HOWL OF OUTRAGE Sorry Rolf no offence intended; youre right, on balance, I think we will stay here and just enjoy the spectacle. SCENE 14 INT. SCOTTS TENT DAY

F/X: SCOTT:

BLIZZARD OUTSIDE FLAPPING TENT (CLOSE) Howre you bearing-up Oates? (OATES GROANS) Oh for gods sake Oates, think of someone else for a change. How can I write a message for posterity if you keep whingeing? (LOUDER) It was my destiny to be the greatest of British explorers. I was robbed, I was cheated by stupid, stupid little details like this weather and not bringing food and and I was let down by my men. It was Birdie and it was Evans, a petty, petty, officer with no backbone. And it was you Oates, you upper-class, self-satisfied

OATES:

(INTERRUPTING HURT & ANGRY) I Im going out now, yes, out Do you hear me..? Im going out now. I may be some

SCOTT: OATES:

For gods sake, fuck off Oates..! You are a hateful man.

48

OATES STAGGERS OUT OF THE TENT F/X: TENT FLAP OPENED BLIZZARD LOUDER TENT FLAP FLAPPING WILDLY SCOTT: (FRIGHTENED, CALLS OUT) Im sorry Oates I cant face this alone. Dont leave me Oates; I need you with me..! OATES SINGS WEAKLY OVER THE ROAR OF THE BLIZZARD AND FLAPPING TENT GRAMS: OLD SCHOOL TIE (IN EXTREMIS) OVER ROAR OF BLIZZARD (1 MINUTE) OATES: How did I get To this bleak spot? Perhaps my tie Has lost the plot I had to leave That fetid tent They treated me With such contempt I came to help out With the horse Where are they now? All dead of course The Old School Tie And now that Im About to die I tighten up The old school tie My eyeballs roll I heave a sigh Im choking on The Old School Tie

OATES DIES - SCOTT IS ALONE INSIDE THE TENT

49

F/X:

BLIZZARD & TENT FLAPPING LOUDER SCOTT WHIMPERS WITH COLD & FEAR - ENTER BIRDIE

BIRDIE: SCOTT: BIRDIE: SCOTT: BIRDIE: SCOTT:

Squawk..! Sir..? (WEAK) What is it Birdie..? There is something I think I should tell you. That youre a penguin..? Squawk..! You knew..? Near the end I knew yes, I knew. The cold shower during a blizzard was a bit of a giveaway

BIRDIE: SCOTT:

Why didnt you shoot me or something..? To tell you the truth it did occur to me butOh God Im cold I suppose Id grown accustomed to the smell of fish in the sleeping bag Do you think Oates is done for..?

BIRDIE: SCOTT: BIRDIE:

Yes, he will be dead by now. Bloody bad business cant help blaming myself actually. Too late for regrets Look Im going to leave you now, I have a feeling that you wont want to spend your final moments with a penguin am I right..?

SCOTT:

(STARTING TO PANIC) No, perhaps not but Birdie, please dont just leave me I was wrong and I dont want to be alone when... when I need you to hold my

50

BIRDIE:

Goodbye Mr Scott. EXIT BIRDIE

SCOTT:

Hes gone the last of my companions. What is left? There is my journal I can at least write write what? (PAUSE) I dont know anymore

GRAMS:

A SAILORS YARN (NO CUTS FULL 3 MINUTES 45 SECONDS)

SCOTT: Eleven miles we had to go I fear our progress was too slow Ran out of fuel Got far too cool Buried in snow My men were faithful to the last They never dwelt upon the past My selfish dreams My pointless schemes Were fading fast We didnt fail, we did but try We set our faces to the sky And in wars fire We would inspire Young men to die They buoyed me up, they used to clown How they would smile, how I would frown I was in charge And by and large I let them down. This was the worst thing that could be I knew my culpability I wrote my book And Oatess look Was straight at me We didnt fail, we did but try We set our faces to the sky And in wars fire We would inspire

51

Young men to die. So I composed a sailors yarn I thought I could do no more harm Though they were gone They would live on Comrades in arms It was a good one, it sold well It exorcised my personal hell Their sacrifice Upon the ice It cast a spell We didnt fail, we did but try We set our faces to the sky And in wars fire We would inspire Young men to die I fear the whole things gone too far It seems that Ive become the star And at the end Bodies of friends My escritoire

GRAMS:

LONG, TRAGIC CHORD DECAYING INTO THE SOUND OF THE BLIZZARD & FLAPPING TENT CANVASS

F/X:

BLIZZARD & TENT FLAPPING CALMS & FADES PAUSE

GRAMS: F/X: OATES:

SLOW FADE IN - SUNNY MUSIC ICE MELTING (DRIPS) BIRDS TWITTERING (TWITCHING & GROANING) Ah that feels warm. Ah that feels good the sun is shining and I can feel my feet again! (STAGGERS TO HIS FEET) Scott..! Scott..! Come out here, something wonderful has happened Its warm..!

52

GRAMS:

FADE IN CHORUS OF PENGUINS SQUAWKING TO THE TUNE

OATES: F/X: SCOTT:

Let me help you out of that tent Scott. Its lovely out here TENT FLAP RIPPED OPEN SCOTT HELPED OUT Thank you Oates My god, youre right, its warm! Kiss me Oates, I love you..!

F/X:

BIG SMACKER OF A KISS SCENE 15 EXT. NEARBY DAY AMUNDSEN WATCHING THROUGH BINOCULARS

AMUNDSEN:

(CLOSE) Good Saint Olaf! Rolf these binoculars are steaming up with the hot effect of long suppressed homosexuality or could there be some other cause? Let me consult my compass. Ah I see what has happened. The axis of the globe has shifted once more. We are at the new equator The New South Pole is now located somewhere in Middlesex. Ha..! Here is yet another opportunity to demonstrate Norwegian superiority by getting there first. Come on Rolf Mush..!

ROLF: AMUNDSEN:

(GROWLS) Ok if you let me hump your leg Good heavens Rolf, you can talk..! Perhaps the time has come to reappraise our relationship, but for now Rolf (CALLS OUT) Mush through the slush..!

F/X:

HUSKY HOWLS & SLEDGE RETREATING THROUGH SLUSH.

53

SCENE 16 EXT. NEAR SCOTT TENT DAY ENTER BIRDIE WITH SIR CLEMENT, EVANS & QUEEN MAUREEN BIRDIE: SCOTT: BIRDIE: SCOTT: EVANS: SCOTT: SIR CLEMENT: Squawk! Good to see you Mr Scott Birdie! How are you? Squawk! Ive brought some friends of yours along Evans youve defrosted! Nice of you to notice sir And Sir Clement Markham what are you doing here? Hello Scott I got pissed off with waiting for Birdie in The New Forrest. BIRDIE: Squawk! Listen to todays announcements in the births, deaths and marriages column of The South Polar Times: Births four and a half dozen extra large free range. Deaths none. Marriages: Her majesty Maureen Queen of the Penguins to Petty Officer Evans Me, Birdie Bowers, to Sir Clement Markham, and Mr Robert Scott to Captain Larry Oates of the Kings Own Mounted Sappers! F/X: OATES: SCOTT: CHEERS CLAPS SQUAWKS ETC. Oh Scott, I cant wait to take you home and get your kit off. I hope youll be patient, theres a hell of a lot of kit to get off. EXIT OATES AND SCOTT GIGGLING

54

OATES: SCOTT:

(OFF) Ooh! That bits still frozen (OFF) Oh be careful dont snap it off! PENGUINS DANCE AND SING

GRAMS: PENGUINS:

OUR LOVE IS FISH (1 MINUTE)

When we swim, were after fishes We just grin, cos theyre delicious We kill fish, but not for vengeance We can swim, we dont need engines We are cool! Were no-ones fool Were singing penguins! We want fresh fish, We want it now We dont want pork Or lamb or cow We want it raw And we want more Than you could wish Our love is fish

1ST PENGUIN:

Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding for the national anthem.

GRAMS:

NORWEGIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM SUNG IN NORWEGIAN

AMUNDSEN:

(V/O) (OVER GRAMS) Rolf, do you know why the first bars of the Norwegian national anthem are almost identical to the Christmas carol Deck the Christmas Halls with Holly

ROLF:

(V/O) (OVER GRAMS) (QUESTIONING) Woof?

55

AMUNDSEN:

(V/O) (OVER GRAMS) I will tell you my canine friend It is because every day is Christmas day in Norway!

ROLF: AMUNDSEN: ROLF:

(V/O) (OVER GRAMS) (DOGGY HILARITY) (V/O) (OVER GRAMS) Happy Christmas everyone! (V/O) (OVER GRAMS) (DOGGY AGREEMENT) (OVER GRAMS) CREDITS

END

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