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An Inner Journey to Nurture an Outer-Directed Life A Pilgrimage in the Land of William Stafford

by Ken Saxon

I wonder about what Im pursuing. Im a busy person committed to my work and family, and here I am a thousand miles from home spending a week in the William Stafford Archives at Lewis & Clark College in Lake Oswego, Oregon. How did this come to be? Its a wandering kind of story. My work in the world involves running programs that help committed nonprofit and community leaders to grow in their leadership and to be better able to sustain their commitment to their difficult work. A significant portion of my professional practice is facilitating Courage to Lead retreats, where we use poetry and other metaphorical tools as a way to promote reflection and reconnection to self. Now toss in a dash of synchronicity. The man whose poetry has spoken most deeply to me in recent years is William Stafford (1914-1993). He was born in Kansas, lived much of his life in Oregon, and taught at Lewis & Clark College near Portland for more than three decades. Coincidentally, my son has decided to attend college at Lewis & Clark beginning this August. As I look up the date of the fall Parents Weekend at the college, I learn that the coming year is the William Stafford Centennial, with a number of remembrances scheduled. A web link brings my attention to the fact that the poets son, gifted writer Kim Stafford (who has taught at Lewis & Clark for 34 years) is teaching a week-long seminar about his father. Kim is the author of the beautiful memoir Early Morning: Remembering My Father, William Stafford, which I devoured a couple years ago. I look at my usually overfilled calendar and find that I can actually make these dates work! Im not much of a believer in fate, but somehow this all feels meant to be, and that spurs me forward. So here I am, living in a college dorm room, and spending this July week in the Lewis & Clark College library in a seminar room along with ten other William Stafford admirers. Our assignment to use Staffords writings and other resources in the Stafford Archives to create a project of interest to ourselves and hopefully also of use to the Archives as part of the William Stafford Centennial.

When asked to pick one Stafford poem to write about, I choose You Reading This, Be Ready, a favorite I use in my retreats. Kim Stafford tells me that this particular poem is etched on a stone pillar down the hill from the college in the town of Lake Oswego, the adopted hometown of his father. He mentions there are other Stafford Stones as well. Im always up for the chance to explore new territory, particularly without a fixed itinerary a luxury I rarely afford myself. And I find myself curious where this little field trip will lead me. --------------------------------------------------------------------In downtown Lake Oswego, on an urban street corner in front of a red brick office building in this quaint suburban village of 37,000 people, I find my first Stafford Stone. The basalt pillar is adorned with the William Stafford poem I know best, The Way It Is. I know it by heart.
The Way It Is Theres a thread you follow. It goes among things that change. But it doesnt change. People wonder about what you are pursuing. You have to explain about the thread. But it is hard for others to see. While you hold it you cant get lost. Tragedies happen; people get hurt or die; and you suffer and get old. Nothing you do can stop times unfolding. You dont ever let go of the thread.

In our retreats, we use this poem as an invitation for our leaders to identify or reconnect with the through-line of who they are and what they yearn for, down deep. Sometimes as adults, we become disconnected from the thread of self. We lose it as we succumb to the pressures, pace and complexity of our professional and personal lives. This disconnection happens to me more often now in our Internet age as my brain gets more distracted and overwhelmed from over-stimulus, jumping from link to link. I feel so busy and overtaxed, but am often left wondering how much time I end up wasting on activity thats not core to what I want to be doing. These days it seems harder than ever for me to maintain my concentration and focus on whats really important. There is a thread you follow, and in our Courage to Lead retreats, our respective threads becomes more clearly visible. As Stafford writes, to follow that thread doesnt make life easy or painless. But it is your thread! While you hold it, you cant get lost. Identifying and reconnecting with 2

ones thread is a powerful touchstone we can use to regain our bearings when the world knocks us off kilter, or when we find ourselves too distracted and wandering far from the path of who we really are. --------------------------------------------------------------------Kim Stafford told me if I wanted to explore a little further afield, there was another Stafford Stone south of town so I seek it out. Ten minutes away among rolling Oregon fields, I find Luscher Farm an historic dairy farm in the Lake Oswego area that has been preserved as public space. It provides locals with places to play, walk, learn about agriculture, and grow food in community gardens. This is a place of peace and connection to nature, and in both of these things, it is an appropriate place for a Stafford Stone. But I couldnt find the darn pillar. Nor could anyone I asked help me. So I wandered around this serene place, agitated that I couldnt locate what I came for, kicking myself for not taking the time to listen more carefully when Kim Stafford was giving me directions. How typical of me to be so distracted that I dont fully listen! Then I smile, remember that Im in a beautiful place with no real deadline or mandate that I must find this stone, and I begin to take in the pastoral scene. And I breathe. I laugh at myself and the silly places my Type A personality surprises me. Finally I come across a woman who works for Parks & Recreation, and she thinks she knows what Im looking for. Im on the wrong side of the farm altogether, and she directs me around the corner and down Rosemont Road a short way. Driving along, I spy my target and pull to the side of the road.
The Well Rising The well rising without sound, the spring on a hillside, the plowshare brimming through deep ground everywhere in the field The sharp swallows in their swerve flaring and hesitating hunting for the final curve coming closer and closer The swallow heart from wingbeat to wingbeat counseling decision, decision: thunderous examples. I place my feet with care in such a world.

This pillar near Luscher Farm displays Staffords 1953 poem The Well Rising. Stanford English professor John Felstiner, author of Can Poetry Save the Earth, chose this poem as his choice if he had to select just one poem that he would have everyone read one poem to save the earth. He said 3

in an NPR interview that he was moved by the poems urgency, but also by its modesty and simplicity. Stafford closes the poem I place my feet with care in such a world. Im guessing Felstiner dreams of a time when everyone would act this way. William Stafford offered through his life example and his words an inspiring legacy of witness and peace. Yes, he saw the reality of the worlds problems, and he had an appropriate sense of urgency. You can feel it in the poem, with the swallows coming closer and closer, counseling decision, decision. But his next step is not to harangue or attack others or to fall into despair, but to focus on himself and his own actions and respond with care. Such has been the path of our greatest peacemakers, who were able to channel their angst for the world into peaceful action. --------------------------------------------------------------------On my way back through town, I head off to Foothills Park, which contains a mini-Stonehenge of Stafford columns. At the entrance to the park, there is a dedication of the William Stafford Pathway. The plaque ends with Staffords poem Why I Am Happy.
Why I Am Happy Now has come, an easy time. I let it roll. There is a lake somewhere so blue and far nobody owns it. A wind comes by and a willow listens gracefully. I hear all this, every summer. I laugh and cry for every turn of the world, its terribly cold, innocent spin. That lake stays blue and free; it goes on and on. And I know where it is.

This poem reminds me of what a nonprofit leader wrote me last year: Im now in a place where I feel little more than an extension of my workmy definition of myself has become largely centered on what I do, rather than who I am. I came across a great quote today by Guillaume Apollinaire: Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy." That quote made me chuckle when I first read it. It encapsulates the paradox that so many of us live into today. In contemporary America, we have more freedom to pursue what makes us happy than anyone has ever 4

had in the history of the world. And yet social scientists who measure such things assure us that we are not getting any happier. Maybe weve forgotten how. Why I Am Happy contains a poignant message about finding peace in a world filled violence and with darkening skies. Staffords hidden blue lake provides him respite from every turn of the world. He knows what he needs, and how he can access beauty and life and sustenance in a threatening world. And I know where it is. What is that hidden blue lake for you? Thats another type of question leaders might be invited to focus on in our retreats. How do I care for myself? Where do I find peace? People must answer these questions for themselves. For me, Im finding my blue lake is away from my computer, from my cell phone, and even better if its away from my routines of home and connected to nature. When I emerge from such places I feel renewed, less fragmented and distracted, and more whole. --------------------------------------------------------------------As I wander down the Stafford Pathway, I think about the life William Stafford lived for all of us. His extraordinary record of daily writing 50 years of early mornings, every single day! all preserved and organized at the William Stafford Archives at Lewis & Clark College. All those years of searching for truth, witnessing for peace, and exploring the bounds of the way it is. All those years of rising at 4AM to write. As someone who cared deeply about the outer world, about justice, kindness and peace Stafford found his solace, his bearings, his solid ground to stand on in his inner life. From that place, he was able to breathe, to explore, to think, and to find peace and beauty. Dag Hammarskjold, the second Secretary General of the United Nations, was a man of peace whom Stafford admired. In William Staffords book review on the posthumous publishing of Hammarskjolds book of reflections Markings, he wrote: The person revealed is one who steadily held to a search inward that could justify and reinforce the burden of his outward life. The book 5

demonstrates how the rigors of practical affairs are met by equally rigorous and in fact perhaps exactly complementary counterparts in mental and emotional experience. This description, which could apply to Stafford himself, is an enormous challenge to most of us committed to service. How can we match our energy outward to heal the world with equally rigorous attention to our inner lives? To most nonprofit leaders Ive met, this would seem impossible. Were so busy! they reply, with some mixture of pride and resignation. I can see why Staffords model of living might be hard for people to take on, and yet I find myself quite drawn to it. It may well be time for me to commit to my own version of his disciplined daily practice. It feels like it might be an antidote to much that afflicts me my addiction to busy-ness, distracted thinking, the challenge I have staying focused on the big picture, my struggle with writing, and the time I waste processing email or linking to news and social media that dont nourish me. William Stafford found an approach to life that sustained him over a 79-year life, matching his commitment to peace and the environment and non-violence with an equally rigorous commitment to his personal practice. So many dedicated leaders I meet make a habit of doing exactly the opposite sacrificing self in the service of overcommitting to the service of others. I call this the Martyr Syndrome. Though it comes from a kind-hearted place, the Martyr Syndrome is ultimately unsustainable, and it can be accompanied by significant downsides. These pitfalls include becoming burned out, neglecting important relationships, exhausting oneself, losing sight of the big picture, bending ones own ethics, and being overrun by stress. The symptoms can be physical and spiritual. Another model of an admirable life balancing commitment to the outer world and inner life was that of Trappist monk Thomas Merton, the 20th century American spiritual thinker. In Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander, Merton warned about the tendency to over-commit to too much: To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything is to succumb to violence. The frenzy of the activist neutralizes his/her work for peace. It destroys the fruitfulness of his/her own work, because it kills the root 6

of inner wisdom which makes work fruitful. Inner Wisdom which makes work fruitful. That phrase hits home for me. When Im hyper-busy and active from early morning until I lay my head on the pillow at night, day after day, something starts to feel missing for me. Its not that Im not getting things done. But the quality and depth of my work start to degrade, and it becomes less intrinsically satisfying to me. And I also notice that though Im in perpetual motion, Im less able to engage and inspire others when Im in this state. William Stafford wrote that wisdom is having things right in your life and knowing why. Im guessing you do not achieve that kind of wisdom without a lot of inner work. For Stafford, his hard work of self sustained him through eight decades, the Depression, poverty, his banishment from his childhood home, four years in hard labor camps for conscientious objectors, travel far from home and family, and the death of a child. And never did he let go of the thread. --------------------------------------------------------------------Ah, theres our mini-Stonehenge up ahead, along the west bank of the Willamette River. Eight dark grey stone columns displaying William Stafford quotations and aphorisms. Wellall except one, which is blank. Whats that about? Does it represent silence? Or listening? Or is it to remind us that the writing of poetry is not to be left to the poets. Kim Stafford shared this brief story in Early Morning: At another program, after my father had read a poem that seemed like simple talk, a voice blurted from the audience. I could have written that. But you didnt, my father said, looking down at the upturned face. He waited one beat of silence. But you could write your own. Yes, we all have to write our own life, or revise it, as William Stafford used to say. Examine it, take out the parts that dont work, keep the parts that do, and cultivate habits that sustain ourselves. In one of his final interviews before he died, Stafford was asked why he titled his book on writing poetry You Must Revise Your Life. He replied: I wanted to use the word revise because so many books about writing make it sound as though you create a good poem by tinkering with the poem youre working on. I think you create a good poem by revising your life . . . by living the kind of life that enables good poems to come 7

about. Your life is a trajectory. A workshop may seem, to those who take part in it, a chance to revise the work they bring. I think its a chance to see how your life can be changed . . . so that poem that began to come will be more satisfying, more fulfilling. So to those of us who are not professional poets but are dedicated to our work in the world, what is Staffords message here? Maybe its that we shouldnt ignore our own lives, our thread, while we are doing our work in the world, however noble. Maybe hes suggesting instead that we live our lives in a way that results in good work, so that our lives will be more satisfying, more fulfilling. Thats a nuanced point, but it seems to me a powerful prescription for avoiding burnout and boredom and staying fully engaged throughout your life. --------------------------------------------------------------------I notice that only one of the Stafford Stones by the river contains a full poem You Reading This, Be Ready. To end my pilgrimage trail, I arrive at the poem Ive been seeking. Stafford wrote this poem on a morning in late August 1993, two days before he died.
You Reading This, Be Ready Starting here, what do you want to remember? How sunlight creeps along a shining floor? What scent of old wood hovers, what softened sound from outside fills the air? Will you ever bring a better gift for the world than the breathing respect that you carry wherever you go right now? Are you waiting for time to show you some better thoughts? When you turn around, starting here, lift this new glimpse that you found; carry into evening all that you want from this day. This interval you spent reading or hearing this, keep it for life -

I love sharing this poem with our groups in the last hour of a What can anyone give you greater than now, retreat. It can be a poignant starting here, right in this room, when you turn moment. These dedicated, around? driven leaders have now had two days to slow down, reflect, listen, engage with an authentic community of peers, and be in communion with their deepest yearnings and passions. Most receive all this as something for which they have been thirsty like an oasis in the desert. And yet with an hour to go, our retreat participants can hear the drumbeats of what awaits them outside an overflowing in-box and email account, staff members needing direction, board members calling and often challenging, 8

money that needs to be raised, and big societal problems that arent going away. And from the retreat thats ending, they may well be taking with them new questions, more fundamental questions about the direction or sustainability of their life or organization, or about if they are doing the work they were meant for. Decision, decision, the swallows cry. Before they turn their attention away from our retreat, William Stafford has some wise counsel for them. Take a few minutes. Youve been fully present, in dialogue with your deepest self. Youre going to walk out that door soon, into the storm. What do you want to remember? We might think that what we do out there is much more important than anything we might have done in retreat. Many of our retreat participants feel guilty, even self-indulgent, for taking a few days for themselves in a world that so desperately needs their labors. But Staffords rejoinder is pointed. Will you ever bring a better gift for the world than the breathing respect you carry wherever you go right now? My sense is that the poet wants us to be ready, prepared for the journey ahead. And his experience taught him that his lifetime daily practice early morning retreat every single day sustained him through more than six decades of standing up for peace and the environment and giving voice to values he held dear. And he made it 79 years with his integrity intact, with the respect of his peers and the love of his family, and building a legacy that continues to inspire people the world over now 20 years after his death. --------------------------------------------------------------------As my pilgrimage comes to an end, where am I in this? Why did I make this trip to Oregon? Maybe its because Im getting ready for something. Our twins are flying the nest this year, and so my wife and I have a big transition on our hands. In addition, my work is evolving and demanding new things from me that Im struggling to respond to. Im at about half-time in my adult life, and I dont want to simply let momentum carry me forward. So Im holding many questions. How do I make the most of the time I have left? And as our world faces new and unparalleled threats, what values do I want to stand for? What kind of personal and creative process would support me in living the life I was meant for? How can I live my life in a way that it will be more satisfying, more fulfilling? In my time of reflection and writing this week at the William Stafford Archives, I see that I have chosen Staffords writings and life as a guide for 9

my journey ahead. So it makes all the sense in the world why I am here. I was seeking deeper communion with one of the teachers I need as I step forward into this next stage of life. And I emerge from my pilgrimage renewed and ready to commit to daily inner practice in addition to the work that calls to me. I feel a breathing respect for this place, this time, and this man, William Stafford, and deep gratitude for the week Ive spent here. Thats something else I can take with me now as I depart Lake Oswego. As the coda to my favorite Stafford poem reminds me: What can anyone give you greater than now, starting here, right in this room, when you turn around?"

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