Professional Documents
Culture Documents
2 – PRE-MARITAL SEX
Talk Handout
Living Together
Questions and Answers Regarding Cohabitation and the Church’s Moral Teaching
1. What is cohabitation?
“Cohabitation” is commonly referred to as “living together.” It describes the relationship of a man and
woman who are sexually active and share a household, though they are not married.
2. Why is cohabitation such a concern for the Church?
As you work with your priest during this time of preparation for marriage, you will speak with him
about many issues. But the Church is particularly concerned about cohabitation because the practice is
so common today and because, in the long run, it is causing great unhappiness for families in the
Church. This is true, above all, because - even though society may approve of the practice -
cohabitation simply cannot be squared with God’s plan for marriage. This may be why most couples
who live together before marriage find married life difficult to sustain for very long.
The Church does not invent laws. It passes on and interprets what God has revealed through the ages.
No one in the Church has the right to change what Jesus has taught. To do so would be to deprive
people of saving truths that were meant for all time. Our Christian faith teaches that a sexual
relationship belongs only in marriage. Sex outside of marriage shows disrespect for the sacrament of
marriage, the sacredness of sex, and human dignity.
3. We have good reasons for living together before our wedding. Why can’t the Church just
accept that?
The Church cares for you as a parent cares for a beloved son or daughter. Knowing that cohabitation
increases a couples’ chance of marital failure, the Church wants to protect you and preserve your
happiness. Besides, most couples don’t really evaluate the reasons they give to justify their decision.
Think about it:
Reason 1: “It’s more convenient for us.”
“Convenience” is a good thing, but it’s not the basis for making a decision that will affect your entire
life. Married life is sometimes inconvenient and even demanding. Cohabitation for convenience is poor
preparation for that kind of commitment. Research bears this out. Studies show that those who live
together before marriage tend to prefer “change,” “experimentation” and open-ended lifestyles - all of
which could lead to instability in marriage. One study, conducted by researchers at the University of
Chicago and the University of Michigan, concluded that couples who cohabit tend to experience
superficial communication and uncommitted decision-making once they are married. Cohabitation for
convenience does not allow for the careful thought and adequate “space” necessary for making wise
life decisions.
Reason 2: “We’re trying to save money for the wedding, so living together is more economical.”
Sure, you might save the price of monthly rent, but you’re sacrificing something more valuable.
Engagement is more than just time to plan the party. It is a time for deeper discussion and more
thorough reflection, which are best carried out in a detached way. Couples who are living together do
I am writing to ask that in preparation for the celebration of Marriage you to be chaste with one
another and live separately from one another. I am asking this of you because you are Christians --
because you have made a commitment to follow Christ and to accept the authority of His word over
your life. I ask you as Christians to provide a clear witness to your families, your younger brothers and
sisters, nephews and nieces, and your friends that you honor Christ and your commitment to live in the
way He teaches.
I ask this of all couples who are living together and seeking a celebration of Marriage in the Church.
My reason for asking this is simple: It is the mind of the Lord -- Jesus asks it.
Jesus teaches that his disciples are to remain chaste:
You have heard the commandment, ‘You shall not commit adultery. What I say to you is: anyone who looks
lustfully at a woman has already committed adultery in his thoughts. - Matthew 5:27-28.
Jesus also calls his disciples to give witness to chastity in the way they live:
If your right eye is your trouble, gouge it out and throw it away. Better to lose part of your body than to have
it all cast into Gehenna. - Matthew 5:29
What is Chastity?
Chastity has to do with our sexuality and the way we use it. It has to do with when and how we give
ourselves to each other sexually. The Bible teaches:
It is God’s will that you grow in holiness: that you abstain from immorality, each of you guarding his
(sexual) member in sanctity and honor, not in passionate desire as do the Gentiles who do not know God;
and that each refrain from overreaching or cheating his brother or sister in the matter at hand... God has
called us not to immorality but to holiness; hence whoever rejects these instructions rejects, not man, but
God who sends His Holy Spirit upon you. - 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8
The Bible also teaches that chastity is more than just sexual, that it extends to a mutual respect for the
complete integrity of another:
Your love must be sincere. Detest what is evil, cling to what is good. Love one another with the affection of
brothers and sisters. Anticipate each other in showing respect... Have the same attitude toward all. Put away
ambitious thoughts and associate with those who are lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Never
repay injury with injury. - Romans 12:9-10, 16-17
Do not conform yourselves to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, so that you may
judge what is God’s will, what is good and pleasing and perfect. - Romans 12:2
The witness you give as Christians on your wedding day is no small issue.
Jesus teaches that his disciples have an obligation to give clear moral witness to their families, their
friends, their community and beyond:
You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. People do not light a lamp and then put
it under a bushel basket. They set it on a stand where it gives light to all the house. In the same way, your
light must shine before all so that they may see goodness in your acts and give praise to your heavenly
Father. - Matthew 5:14-15
What better way to explain why we celebrate Marriage in the Catholic Church in the way we do: the
couple is a lamp lit with the flame of Christ and “set upon a stand where it gives light to all the house.”
The celebration of your Marriage is very much a matter of Christian witness. Each of you comes to the
Church to be united by Jesus and, even further to be united together by Jesus. How you come before
the Lord and how you are seen to come is very important. As a priest I ask you to come before the
Lord in holiness -- both inwardly and in outward appearance. On your wedding day you bring the
whole Christian community with you, and Jesus responds by giving you as a gift back to the
On a personal note...
As a priest and pastor involved in the celebration of a Marriage, I stand before God and the assembled
Church and I too give a witness. I stand in witness to who a couple is, and what they are about. I hold a
responsibility to be concerned with the kind of witness given.
Marriage in the Church is a Christian celebration -- a celebration of those who have made a
commitment to follow Christ, to hear His Word, and who have a desire to put what Jesus teaches into
practice. This is where a Catholic wedding gets its meaning: from commitment to Christ and His
Word, and commitment to Christ’s Church and its teaching. It can also be very meaningful that family
and friends are gathered who went to the same school, grew up attending the same church, and share a
great many memories with one another. Both levels of meaning are important and I believe that both
should be there. But the wanting to come before Jesus, to follow Him and live according to His will,
this must be in first place, and is indispensable.
Please receive what Jesus asks of you. Open your heart to it, yield to it. God will not fail to bless your
obedience.