Parshat Ki Teze 5769

Rabbi Ari Kahn

Dysfunctional Relationships
Parshat Ki Teze starts with war and ends with war. It
begins with a man in the heat of battle who spies an
attractive woman from the opposing side, and ends with
instructions regarding the ultimate battle with Amalek. In
between, the portion is packed with commandments; in
fact, more commandments are found in this parsha than
any other.

Although tradition may discourage us from seeking out the

reasons or rationale for mitzvot, here in D'varim, we may
glean insights into certain mitzvot from their context.1
Thus, the Sages discerned a cause-and-effect relationship
among the first three topics in the parsha: a beautiful wife,
taken in battle, will lead to a situation in which a man has
one favored wife and one whom he rejects, which in turn
leads to the "rebellious son". 2

As the Sages see it, the rebellious child does not develop
in a vacuum; he is the result of a dysfunctional home. This
child's mother was wrested from her family and homeland.
Her value system would surely be at odds with that of her
Jewish husband. The dissonance felt by this child would
most likely be the cause of his own antipathy to Jewish
mores and tradition. Additionally, this child seems
genetically challenged, as it were: The father practiced
poor self-control and sought immediate gratification. Is it
any wonder that this child cannot exercise self-restraint?3

1
See Talmud Bavli Yevamot 4a.
‫תלמוד בבלי מסכת יבמות דף ד עמוד א‬
.‫ במשנה תורה דריש‬,‫ אפילו למאן דלא דריש סמוכים בעלמא‬:‫ואמר רב יוסף‬
2
See the comments of Rashi 21:11
‫רש"י דברים פרק כא פסוק יא‬
,‫ אבל אם נשאה‬.‫ שאם אין הקב"ה מתירה ישאנה באיסור‬.‫ לא דברה תורה אלא כנגד יצר הרע‬- ‫ולקחת לך לאשה‬
‫ לכך נסמכו פרשיות‬,‫ שנאמר אחריו (פסוק טו) כי תהיין לאיש וגו' וסופו להוליד ממנה בן סורר ומורה‬,‫סופו להיות שונאה‬
:‫הללו‬
3
See comments of the Ibn Ezra D’varim 21:18
‫אבן עזרא דברים פרק כא פסוק יח‬
‫ כי אם להתענג בכל‬,‫ כי לא יבקש חיי העולם הזה‬,‫ והנה זה כמו אפיקורוס‬.‫ מרבה לשתות והוא המשתכר‬- ‫וסובא‬
‫ ונסמכה זו הפרשה בעבור אשת יפת תאר‬.‫מיני מאכל ומשתה‬
Interestingly enough, the Rabbis felt that there never was
and never would be a “real” rebellious child.4 This is not to
say that such a child never existed.5 Rather, the courts
could never successfully prosecute and adjudicate such a
case, due to the myriad conditions required for a
conviction:6 One of the conditions for establishing guilt is
that the rebellious son does not listen "to his father and to
his mother":

‫דברים פרק כא‬

‫(יח) כִי יִהְיֶה לְאִיש בֵן סורֵר ומורֶה אֵינֶנו שֹמֵעַ בְקול אבִיו ובְקול אִמו‬
:‫וְיִסְרו אֹתו וְלֹא יִשְמַע אֲלֵיהֶם‬
If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son, who will
not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his
mother, and who, when they have chastened him,
will not listen to them; D’varim 21:18

The Talmud explains that the rebellious child will only be

guilty if both parents speak with one united voice:

‫תלמוד בבלי מסכת סנהדרין דף עא עמוד א‬

‫ אינו נעשה בן סורר‬- ‫ אביו אינו רוצה ואמו רוצה‬,‫ היה אביו רוצה ואמו אינה רוצה‬.‫משנה‬
‫ אינו‬- ‫ אם לא היתה אמו ראויה לאביו‬:‫ רבי יהודה אומר‬.‫ומורה עד שיהו שניהם רוצין‬
.‫נעשה בן סורר ומורה‬
- ‫ סוף סוף אבוה‬,‫ מאי אינה ראויה? אילימא חייבי כריתות וחייבי מיתות בית דין‬.‫גמרא‬
‫ רבי יהודה‬,‫ תניא נמי הכי‬,‫ בשוה לאביו קאמר‬:‫ אמיה נינהו! אלא‬- ‫ ואמיה‬,‫אבוה נינהו‬
‫ מאי‬.‫ אם לא היתה אמו שוה לאביו בקול ובמראה ובקומה אינו נעשה בן סורר ומורה‬:‫אומר‬
.‫ מראה וקומה נמי בעינן שוין‬- ‫ איננו שמע בקלנו מדקול בעינן שוין‬:‫ דאמר קרא‬- ‫טעמא‬
‫ דרוש וקבל‬- ‫ ולמה נכתב‬,‫ בן סורר ומורה לא היה ולא עתיד להיות‬:‫כמאן אזלא הא דתניא‬
,‫שכר‬
MISHNAH. If his father desires [to have him
punished], but not his mother, or the reverse, he is
4
Talmud Bavli Sanhedrin

‫א‬/‫תלמוד בבלי מסכת סנהדרין דף עא‬

.‫דתניא בן סורר ומורה לא היה ולא עתיד להיות ולמה נכתב דרוש וקבל שכר‬
There never has been a stubborn and rebellious son, and never will be. Why then was the law
written? That you may study it and receive reward.
5
The Talmud op. cit. relates that the grave of such a child was seen by Rav Yochanan
‫תלמוד בבלי מסכת סנהדרין דף עא עמוד א‬
.‫ וישבתי על קברו‬,‫ אני ראיתיו‬:‫אמר רבי יונתן‬
R. Jonathan said: ‘I saw him and sat on his grave.
6
See Toldot Yitzchak D’varim 21:18
‫תולדות יצחק דברים פרק כא‬
‫ וכל כך תנאים איתא‬,‫ אמרו בגמרא [סנהדרין עא א] שלא היה ולא עתיד להיות‬,‫כי יהיה לאיש בן סורר ומורה‬
,‫ שקרוב לנמנע שימצא אלא דרוש וקבל שכר‬,‫בגמרא עליו‬
 not treated as a 'stubborn and rebellious son', unless
they both desire it. R. Yehudah said: 'If his mother is
not fit for his father, he does not become a ‘stubborn
and rebellious son'.
GEMARA. What is meant by ‘NOT FIT'? Shall we say
that she is forbidden to him under penalty of
extinction or capital punishment at the hand of Beth
din; but after all, his father is his father, and his
mother is his mother? — But he means not physically
like his father. It has been taught likewise: R. Yehudah
said: If his mother is not like his father in voice,
appearance and stature, he does not become a
rebellious son. Why so? — The Torah says, 'he will not
obey our voice', and since they must be alike in
voice, they must be also in appearance and stature.
With whom does the following Baraitha agree: There
never has been a stubborn and rebellious son, and
never will be. Talmud Bavli Sanhedrin 71a

The Talmud understood that the conditions for convicting a

person as a 'rebellious child' are many, including, quite
literally, that both parents have the same voice. The
Mishna understood this stipulation more figuratively, in a
manner surprisingly similar to our current ideas of
effective parenting: The parents must be of one voice, not
in pitch and cadence, but in content. The Mishna
effectively turns the focus of scrutiny away from the
rebellious child, and focuses on the parents and the
messages this child received from them over the years. As
a result, the child who is most likely to be rebellious due to
the fractured home life, would be the very child whom the
law exonerates of responsibility - not because he doesn’t
warrant punishment7, but because he is not seen as
necessarily responsible for his actions. In the Talmudic
formulation, the child gets off on a technicality: his
parents' lack of physical similarity. In the Mishnaic
formulation, the child is spared because of the gap

7
This child himself is not punished for what he has done, rather it is anticipated how this child will
continue to degenerate morally if he continues upon the same trajectory.
‫תלמוד בבלי מסכת סנהדרין דף עא עמוד ב‬
.‫ ימות זכאי ואל ימות חייב‬,‫ בן סורר ומורה נידון על שם סופו‬.‫משנה‬
Mishnah. A stubborn and rebellious son is tried on account of his ultimate destiny: let him die
innocent and let him not die guilty.
between the parents' worldviews, religious and otherwise,
and their failure to effectively parent their offspring.

The theme of relationships - how to build them, how to

keep them intact, and how to heal them in the event that
they are damaged - can be seen as the overriding theme
of the parsha. This parsha treats such diverse but related
topics as marriage, divorce, rape, prostitution, and even
cross-dressing. Drawing a line of thought between the
particulars may help us gain insight into the larger theme.

In one particular case, a very strict limitation is placed

upon interpersonal relationships. In a departure from what
we have come to expect in this parsha, we need not exert
ourselves in an examination of the context in order to
discern some reason for the prohibition; the Torah explains
the prohibition in a clear statement of rationale:

‫דברים פרק כג‬

‫(ד) לֹא יָבֹא עַמונִי ומואבִי בִקְהַל ה’ גַם דור עֲשִירִי לֹא יָבֹא לָהֶם בִקְהַל‬
ְ‫(ה) עַל דְבַר אֲשֶר לֹא קִדְמו אֶתְכֶם בַלֶחֶם ובַמַיִם בַדֶרֶך‬:‫ה’ עַד עולָם‬
‫בְצֵאתְכֶם מִמִצְרָיִם וַאֲשֶר שָכַר עָלֶיךָ אֶת בִלְעָם בֶן בְעור מִפְתור‬
‫(ו) וְלֹא אבָה ה’ אֱלֹהֶיךָ לִשְמֹעַ אֶל בִלְעָם‬:ָ‫אֲרַם נַהֲרַיִם לְקַלְלֶך‬
:ָ‫וַיַהֲפֹךְ ה’ אֱלֹהֶיךָ לְךָ אֶת הַקְלָלָה לִבְרָכָה כִי אֲהֵבְךָ ה’ אֱלֹהֶיך‬
‫ ס‬:‫(ז) לֹא תִדְרֹש שְלֹמָם וְטֹבָתָם כָל יָמֶיךָ לְעולָם‬
An Ammonite or Moavite shall not enter into the
Congregation of God; to their tenth generation shall
they not enter into the Congregation of God forever;
Because they did not meet you with bread and with
water on the way, when you came out of Egypt; and
because they hired against you Bil'am the son of
Beor of Pethor of Mesopotamia, to curse you.
Nevertheless the Almighty, your God, would not
listen to Bil'am; but the Almighty, your God, turned
the curse into a blessing to you, because the
Almighty your God loved you. You shall not seek their
peace nor their prosperity all your days forever.
Dvarim 23:4-7

Amon and Moav were raised in a strange family unit: they

were both the products of incest. Their mothers were
sisters who got their father drunk, and seduced him in his
stupor.

‫בראשית פרק יט‬

‫(ל) וַיַעַל לוט מִצועַר וַיֵשֶב בָהָר ושְתֵי בְנֹתָיו עִמו כִי יָרֵא לָשֶבֶת‬
‫ (לא) וַתֹאמֶר הַבְכִירָה אֶל‬:‫בְצועַר וַיֵשֶב בַמְעָרָה הוא ושְתֵי בְנֹתָיו‬
:‫הַצְעִירָה אבִינו זָקֵן וְאִיש אֵין בָארֶץ לָבוא עָלֵינו כְדֶרֶךְ כָל הָארֶץ‬
)‫ (לג‬:‫(לב) לְכָה נַשְקֶה אֶת אבִינו יַיִן וְנִשְכְבָה עִמו ונְחַיֶה מֵאבִינו זָרַע‬
‫וַתַשְקֶיןָ אֶת אֲבִיהֶן יַיִן בַלַיְלָה הוא וַתָבֹא הַבְכִירָה וַתִשְכַב אֶת‬
‫ (לד) וַיְהִי מִמָחֳרָת וַתֹאמֶר‬:‫אבִיהָ וְלֹא יָדַע בְשִכְבָה ובְקומָה‬
‫הַבְכִירָה אֶל הַצְעִירָה הֵן שָכַבְתִי אֶמֶש אֶת אבִי נַשְקֶנו יַיִן גַם‬
‫ (לה) וַתַשְקֶיןָ גַם‬:‫הַלַיְלָה ובֹאִי שִכְבִי עִמו ונְחַיֶה מֵאבִינו זָרַע‬
‫בַלַיְלָה הַהוא אֶת אֲבִיהֶן יָיִן וַתָקָם הַצְעִירָה וַתִשְכַב עִמו וְלֹא יָדַע‬
‫ (לז) וַתֵלֶד‬:‫ (לו) וַתַהֲרֶיןָ שְתֵי בְנות לוט מֵאֲבִיהֶן‬:‫בְשִכְבָה ובְקֻמָה‬
‫ (לח) וְהַצְעִירָה‬:‫הַבְכִירָה בֵן וַתִקְרָא שְמו מואב הוא אֲבִי מואב עַד הַיום‬
‫ ס‬:‫גַם הִוא יָלְדָה בֵן וַתִקְרָא שְמו בֶן עַמִי הוא אֲבִי בְנֵי עַמון עַד הַיום‬
30. And Lot went up out of Zoar, and lived in the
mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he
feared to live in Zoar; and he lived in a cave, he and
his two daughters. And the firstborn said to the
younger, 'Our father is old, and there is not a man on
earth to come in to us after the manner of all the
earth; Come, let us make our father drink wine, and
we will lie with him, that we may preserve the seed
of our father.' And they made their father drink wine
that night; and the firstborn went in, and lay with her
father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor
when she arose. And it came to pass on the next day,
that the firstborn said to the younger, 'Behold, I lay
last night with my father; let us make him drink wine
this night also; and you go in, and lie with him, that
we may preserve the seed of our father.' And they
made their father drink wine that night also; and the
younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived
not when she lay down, nor when she arose. Thus
were both the daughters of Lot with child by their
father. And the firstborn bore a son, and called his
name Moav; he is the father of the Moavites to this
day. And the younger, she also bore a son, and called
his name Ben-ammi; he is the father of the
Ammonites to this day. Bereishit 19:30-38
Lot, the ne’er-do-well nephew of the illustrious Avraham,
saw his world crumble around him. His first tragic mistake
was taking leave of Avraham: His status as the heir
apparent of Avraham's fortune should have placated him,
and smoothed over any ill will that had developed
between the shepherds of his flocks and Avraham's
shepherds. Avraham, known for his delight in taking in
strangers, realized that there was only one solution for the
conflict, and suggested a parting of the ways:

‫בראשית פרק יג‬

‫(ז) וַיְהִי רִיב בֵין רֹעֵי מִקְנֵה אבְרָם ובֵין רֹעֵי מִקְנֵה לוט וְהַכְנַעֲנִי‬
‫ (ח) וַיֹאמֶר אבְרָם אֶל לוט אל נָא תְהִי מְרִיבָה‬:‫וְהַפְרִזִי אז יֹשֵב בָארֶץ‬
‫(ט) הֲלֹא כָל‬:‫בֵינִי ובֵינֶיךָ ובֵין רֹעַי ובֵין רֹעֶיךָ כִי אֲנָשִים אחִים אֲנָחְנו‬
‫הָארֶץ לְפָנֶיךָ הִפָרֶד נָא מֵעָלָי אִם הַשְמֹאל וְאֵימִנָה וְאִם הַיָמִין‬
:‫וְאשְמְאִילָה‬
And there was strife between the herdsmen of
Avram’s cattle and the herdsmen of Lot’s cattle; and
the Canaanite and the Perizzite lived then in the land.
And Avram said to Lot, 'Let there be no strife, I beg
you, between me and you, and between my
herdsmen and your herdsmen; for we are brothers. Is
not the whole land before you? Separate yourself, I
beg you, from me; if you will take the left, then I will
go to the right; or if you depart to the right, then I will
go to the left. Bereishit 13:7-9

Avraham speaks of “left and right,” normally understood

as north and south, yet Lot travels eastward, to a place
that reminds him of Egypt, which in itself was not known
for its morality: He travels to Sodom.

‫בראשית פרק יג‬

‫(י) וַיִשָא לוט אֶת עֵינָיו וַיַרְא אֶת כָל כִכַר הַיַרְדֵן כִי כֻלָה מַשְקֶה‬
‫לִפְנֵי שַחֵת ה’ אֶת סְדֹם וְאֶת עֲמֹרָה כְגַן ה’ כְאֶרֶץ מִצְרַיִם בֹאֲכָה‬
‫ (יא) וַיִבְחַר לו לוט אֵת כָל כִכַר הַיַרְדֵן וַיִסַע לוט מִקֶדֶם‬:‫צֹעַר‬
‫ (יב) אבְרָם יָשַב בְאֶרֶץ כְנָעַן וְלוט יָשַב‬:‫וַיִפָרְדו אִיש מֵעַל אחִיו‬
’‫ (יג) וְאנְשֵי סְדֹם רָעִים וְחַטָאִים לַה‬:‫בְעָרֵי הַכִכָר וַיֶאֱהַל עַד סְדֹם‬
:‫מְאֹד‬
And Lot lifted up his eyes, and saw the valley of the
Jordan, that it was well watered everywhere, before
God destroyed Sodom and Amorrah, like the garden
 of God, like the land of Egypt, as you come to Zoar.
Then Lot chose for himself the valley of the Jordan;
and Lot journeyed east, and they separated
themselves, one from the other. Avram lived in the
land of Canaan, and Lot lived in the cities of the
plain, and pitched his tent toward Sodom. 13. But the
men of Sodom were exceedingly wicked and sinners
before God. Bereishit 13:10-13

There is something terribly wrong with a person who

would leave the tent of Avraham and choose a place like
Sodom. Sodom looked to him like an oasis; surely, Lot was
motivated by aspirations of wealth and power. But soon
Sodom was destroyed, his home gone, and even his wife
was lost. He escaped with only the clothes on his back and
his two daughters, products of the Sodomite educational
system. These daughters each present Lot with sons,
Moav and Amon, each of whom are progenitors of great
nations.

These sons enter the world with a stigma: Their

father/grandfather has made countless bad decisions, and
their mothers instigated incest with their own father. It is
not hard to surmise how such children would have felt:
hurt, angry, disenfranchised, full of resentment. Yet the
Torah teaches a remarkable lesson: These nations are
forbidden to the Jewish people; descendents of Amon and
Moav are not to be accepted as converts to Judaism. But
why? Not because they are genetically inferior, or racially
tainted, but “because they did not meet you with bread
and with water on the way, when you came out of Egypt;
and because they hired against you Bil'am the son of Beor
of Pethor of Mesopotamia, to curse you.”

The second half of the verse is understandable: They

conspired to curse the Jews, reason enough for
maintaining a healthy distance. Moreover, the "Plan B"
tactic employed by Amon and Moav in their quest to
destroy Israel was even more telling: The daughters of
Moav were sent to seduce the men of Israel8. Given the
8
Bamidbar 25:1
‫במדבר פרק כה‬
:‫(א) וַיֵשֶב יִשְרָאֵל בַשִטִים וַיָחֶל הָעָם לִזְנות אֶל בְנות מואב‬
history and origins of these nations, we begin to
understand that their basic character has not changed.
This, too, could have been a valid reason for excluding
them from the Congregation for all time. But this deeply
disturbing incident is not cited in our parsha. Rather, it is
their failure to greet us in the desert with food and drink
that illustrates their unsavory character.

Why would we expect Moav to live up to this highly

elevated moral standard? We can only assume that the
answer lies in their forefather Lot's background: Lot grew
up in Avraham’s tent. Despite Lot’s possible feelings of
abandonment, despite Moav and Amon’s feelings of
rejection, despite the dysfunctional family that produced
Moav and Amon, they should have known better, and
behaved as any relative of Avraham knew was the proper
way to deal with others - certainly with relatives. They are
expected to behave as Avraham would have, to greet
travelers with food and drink. In this instance, the Torah is
unforgiving. We are not meant to summon up
“understanding” or "empathy" for those who are products
of a dysfunctional home, children born of twisted
relationships, the products of incest who may have
suffered ridicule, who could have blamed their parents for
all their problems. The Torah rules that a positive
educational message should have filtered through, and
not only the negative feelings of resentment and anger.
Despite their origins and upbringing, the descendents of
Lot should have performed kindness.

The lesson for all of us is unavoidable: Human beings -

children and adults -are often tempted to blame others for
their own shortcomings, but the Torah does not allow us to
place the blame with our upbringing, our parents or
ancestors, or other situations beyond our control. Every
human being has Free Will; this means that, along with
any negative experiences, there are positive lessons that
each of us may have learned from the challenges in our
past. The responsible individual must choose to reject the
negative and distill positive lessons from any given
experience. Cycles of abuse and pain can and must be
broken, as the case of Amon and Moav illustrates: Even
many generations down the line, we have the right to
expect moral behavior on the part of Lot's descendents.
Despite Lot's many failings, despite the challenging
background and difficult life-experiences of his
descendents, God has expectations of those raised in the
Tent of Avraham. Amon and Moav, as descendents of Lot,
had so many positive lessons to learn. They were punished
for choosing to focus on their own feelings of
disenfranchisement, their experiences of cruelty and
selfishness, their own anger and sense of fatalistic doom.
For their choices, and not for their history, they are forever
banned from the Congregation of God.

The case of the rebellious son teaches us that even

though the trajectory of this human tragedy can be
anticipated, and the law will exculpate the child, it is
ultimately his own choices, his own use of Free Will, that
will either uplift him or cause him to crash.

Each and every one of us, emotional scars and personal

failures notwithstanding, is called upon by the laws of the
Torah to make a similar choice. We are reminded, through
the unlikely example of Amon and Moav, that we are all
descendents of someone who grew up in the tents of
Avraham and Sarah, Yitzchak and Rivka, Ya’akov, Rachel
and Leah. There is greatness within our collective
memory, and therefore within our abilities and our selves.
Focusing on anger and failure can easily develop into self-
fulfilling, negative prophesies, leading down the path to
the "rebellious son", to fractured homes and decimated
communities. Alternatively, we can each make the
conscious choice to learn positive lessons from our
negative experiences, and raise ourselves as individuals
and families to the higher moral ground prepared for us by
our ancestors.