NONVERBAL BEHAVIOR INTERPRETATION

Brisk, erect walk Confidence

Standing with hands on hips Readiness, aggression

Sitting with legs crossed, foot

Boredom
kicking slightly

Sitting, legs apart Open, relaxed

Arms crossed on chest Defensiveness

Walking with hands in

Dejection
pockets, shoulders hunched

Hand to cheek Evaluation, thinking

Touching, slightly rubbing

Rejection, doubt, lying
nose

Rubbing the eye Doubt, disbelief

Anger, frustration,
Hands clasped behind back
apprehension

Locked ankles Apprehension

Head resting in hand, eyes

Boredom
downcast

Rubbing hands Anticipation

Sitting with hands clasped

Confidence, superiority
behind head, legs crossed

Open palm Sincerity, openness, innocence

Pinching bridge of nose, eyes

Negative evaluation
closed

Tapping or drumming fingers Impatience

Steepling fingers Authoritative

Lack of self-confidence;
Patting/fondling hair
insecurity

Tilted head Interest

 Stroking chin Trying to make a decision

Looking down, face turned

Disbelief
away

Biting nails Insecurity, nervousness

Pulling or tugging at ear Indecision

There are a variety of methods to check for active

listening.
Listening - The Neglected Art
Almost everyone can hear, but few can really listen well. We speak at
about 125 words per minute and we are capable of hearing and
understanding
at four or five times as great a speed. But few people can achieve this
goal
because they have not mastered the skills necessary for listening.
Listening is the second part of any effective communication
interchange
and is the part that is frequently taken for granted. One assumes that
listening
is something that just happens. Many people fail to recognize the
difference
between passive listening and active listening.
STOP TAKING. It is impossible to listen if you are talking.
Put the speaker at ease...relax and help the other person feel free to
communicate.
Show the speaker that you want to listen by looking and acting
interested.
Concentrate! Be sure to ignore those background noises or thoughts of
lunch.
Keep and open mind. Don’t be too quick to judge. Frequently one
decides in the
first couple of minutes whether to listen to a speaker or not. The
speaker with a
wandering opening, a lisp or accent, or a poor delivery often does not
stand a chance
of being “heard.” Making these kinds of snap decisions ignores the
next question...
BE PATIENT - Allow plenty of time for the speaker. Do not interrupt.
What is the speaker saying that is valuable to me? Is there anything at
all in the
message that I can use?
Hold your temper - angry words and feeling can hurt and can last a
lifetime.
Don’t be prejudice when listening - when the speaker is for or against
someone’s
favorite things, the listener frequently gets so involved with his or her
anger or
enthusiasm that he or she misses the message.
STOP TALKING - An open ear is worth much more than an open mouth,
so listen!
Active listening occurs when the listener makes a conscious effort to
get as much
of the message as possible. Sometimes one falls into active listening
as when in the grip
of a powerful speaker. Many times, one must listen to speakers or
attend meetings that
may be dull, lengthy, or poorly delivered. It takes a strong will to
decide in cases such
as these to get whatever is valuable out of what the person is saying.

The Art of Listening

By Terry Wildemann

Listening is an art that when done well delivers tremendous benefits. The goal of
listening well is to achieve win-win communication.

Win-win communication not only fosters understanding, affirmation, validation and

appreciation, but it also creates an atmosphere of trust, honor and respect. When someone
truly listens to you, don't you feel special?

Listening well is a two-way street, and to be effective communicators, we must all listen
well to each other. One-way listening can be equated to driving down a one-way street
the wrong way. It's dangerous, it can get you into trouble and it can be expensive, as
illustrated in the following example.

Sam, a dispatcher for a national moving company in Philadelphia, gave Mike, a new
driver, an assignment to go to Portsmouth to make a household goods delivery.

When Mike arrived in Portsmouth, he called Sam for further instructions. As Sam gave
Mike the necessary information, Mike got a strange feeling that something wasn't quite
right.

Mike asked Sam for the complete address, which was Maple Street in Portsmouth,
Virginia. Well, Mike was in Portsmouth, but it was Portsmouth, Rhode Island. Mike was
ten hours away from where he was supposed to be. He had traveled north in the wrong
direction.

Not only did this cost the company time and money, but also the owner of the goods was
not pleased.

What caused this expensive mistake? Ineffective listening by both parties. In his haste,
Mike didn't listen to all the information that Sam gave him, and Sam neglected to get
accurate acknowledgment from Mike stating that he understood the instructions.

Focus on the Caller

Listening well is a skill that requires practice.

• Someone who listens well easily establishes rapport with others.

• Good listeners attract others because they focus on the speaker completely.
• They have a positive energy that makes you want to be in their company.
• They are effective in their jobs because, by listening and asking the appropriate
questions, they know exactly what needs to be done and how to do it.

To be effective when interacting over the telephone, hone your verbal skills and focus
completely on what the speaker is saying.

Listen closely to your intuition. The best example of this is to observe how blind people
communicate. Since they do not have the gift of sight, they focus on their other gifts and
develop them. Their hearing is acute, and they can people read by focusing on a person's
voice attitude and the words that the person uses.

Those of us whose work depends on the telephone should do the same.

Good Listening Skills

A good listener, both on the telephone and in person, will:

 • Always be prepared to take notes when necessary. That means having writing
tools readily available.
• Repeat the information he or she heard by saying, I hear you saying ... Is that
correct? If the speaker does not agree, repeat the process to ensure understanding.
• Remain curious and ask questions to determine if he or she is accurately
understanding the speaker.
• Want to listen to the information being delivered.
• Be physically and mentally present in the moment.
• Listen by using the ears to hear the message, the eyes to read body language
(when listening in person), the mind to visualize the person speaking (when on the
telephone), and intuition to determine what the speaker is actually saying.
• Establish rapport by following the leader.
o Match the momentum, tone of voice, body language, and words used by
the speaker.
o Please use common sense when matching. If the speaker is yelling, don't
do the same because it will make a bad situation worse.

Poor Listening Skills

A poor listener, both on the telephone and in person:

• May be abrupt and/or give one-word answers such as no, yes, and maybe.
• Will be easily distracted.
o In person, the listener may look around the room as opposed to focusing
on the speaker's face.
o Over the telephone, the listener may be opening mail, reading e-mail,
filing, playing with hair, a pencil or a tie — anything that preempts
focusing on the caller.
• Constantly interrupts, making the speaker feel that what he or she has to say is not
important.
• The listener finishes the other person's sentences, implying that the listener
already knows what the speaker is about to say.
• Changes the subject without even realizing it.
• Looks at his watch, signaling that you are wasting his time.

Remember that effective listening can open many doors. If you listen with your eyes,
your ears and your mind, you will always get the information you need.

Do you listen correctly, carefully, adequately, intelligently, unassumingly, quietly and

effectively? If you want to be a good listener you have to cultivate the habit of
effective listening.

Those who are good at communication know the importance of listening, which is
perhaps more important than even speaking.
It is not an exaggeration to say that relationships thrive more on listening skills than
on speaking skills. A good speaker may sometimes find himself unwanted in a group,
but rarely a good listener.

The following suggestions may help you improve your listening skills:

1. To make listening a regular habit you must start from somewhere. Start from
today and for a few days from now on wards, allot at least one hour solely and
wholly to listening only.

During this one hour do nothing but listen, with all your attention and concentration.
Listen to the sounds and the words as they come to you in their unadulterated state.

Listen without the intervention of any thoughts, without any disturbance in

your mind. Enjoy the purity, the beauty and the magic of the sounds.

Concentrate on one sound, or many sounds or on all sounds that come to you at a
time. Listen to them in the context of the background in which they arise.

Listen to the distant sounds that are almost inaudible but only by effort can be
heard. Listen to the faintest of the sounds such as the ticking of a watch, the
movement of the wind, the rustling of the grass or your own breathing. At the end of
this exercise listening should have become an integral part of your nature.

2. Try to replay in your mind the various sounds that you hear every day. Try to
recreate a particular piece of music or song that appeals to you. Try to recreate
mentally the sounds of nature.

Can you recollect the various sounds exactly? Can you recollect various sounds
simultaneously? Can you play an entire orchestra mentally in your mind ? Keep
practicing till you can say, "Yes" to these questions confidently.

3. A mind that is fully relaxed, alert and free from all cares and worries is most
conducive to effective listening. If you want to allow the words of others to enter
your mind freely, you must cultivate a free and undisturbed mind and an unassuming
personality.

Pay more attention to others, their thoughts and words than to yourself and to
your own thoughts and words as you listen.

It is in our eagerness to impress and communicate our thoughts to others that we

tend to forget the true act of listening effectively. To become a good listener you
must learn to keep yourself in the background. It is through humility we can reach
out to the worlds of others.

4. Empathy and rapport are the two wires through which you can connect yourself
with the rest of the humanity.

These qualities become natural to you, if you have genuine interest in other people
and are willing to step aside and let others speak to you.
Rapport comes when you learn to identify yourselves with other people and empathy
when you develop the understanding and sensitivity to feel the feelings and
experience the emotions behind the words and gestures.

5. Learn to listen intelligently, trying to understand the others' view points.

Concentrate on the ideas as well, for a better understanding of what you are
listening. If you are in an important meeting, a group conversation, or a conference,
you can jot down the main ideas briefly, but this should not interfere with your task
of listening for understanding and insight.

6. A closed mind cannot absorb new information. A mind that is prejudiced and
inimical to certain ideas cannot create an effective listening attitude.

If you want to become an effective listener you must step out of your little egoistic
world and set yourself completely free. Of what use is your knowledge, if it limits and
obstructs your infinite capacity to grow and expand mentally and spiritually?

You can listen to the words of others only when you have no hidden agenda of your
own, if you do not feel threatened by others superiority or the richness of their
thoughts and ideas.

When you have nothing to prove to the world except your genuine interest and
concern for the freedom of others to express themselves, you allow yourself to
become an effective and intelligent listener with a responsive mind and willing heart.

7. Develop a rich vocabulary. The more words you know, the greater will be your
capacity to listen and understand. The bigger your vocabulary, the greater will be
your capacity to absorb and assimilate the complexity of thoughts.

8. As you listen to others show genuine interest in what they are saying. Seek
information, ask questions and clarify your doubts. Do not be a mere passive listener.
Keep the conversation alive with your own responses here and there, but without
trying to dominate the conversation. Look for the non verbal clues as well.

In the end, remember that listening is a very important part of our daily
communication process. It helps us to understand the people and the world around
us. it helps us to cope with our own problems effectively. It gives us the space and
time needed in our relationships to make them stronger and last longer.

But you should also remember that you cannot live in this world only by listening.
Sometimes when the occasion demands, when you truly believe that something very
important is at stake, you have to speak out your mind and make your stand very
clear.

Many problems arise in our lives because in crucial moments we hesitate to speak
and make ourselves clear. If our children, close friends or relations, or our colleagues
need some improvement or certain correction in their behavior or attitude, they need
to be told in no uncertain terms what is expected of them. But even on such
occasions one should listen carefully before speaking out ones mind.
In the final analysis, like any others tool, listening can be used as a part of ones
choice and discretion. A good listener is always in a better position to deal with his
problems and relationships.

He is accepted every where and welcome into every conversation. He rarely involves
himself in controversies and misunderstanding. He has nothing to prove and nothing
to show off to the world. He has nothing to lose but only gain the richness of his
understanding.

Therefore remember this wonderful law of communication: Listen as much as

possible, but speak only when it is a must.

Listening and Thinking:

What’s Your Style?
Practitioners who determine their personal listening style can become better listeners and
thinkers. Listening styles are grouped into five categories, according to Edward Dvorak,
president of ECD Associates. Just because a person isn’t talking doesn’t mean she is
listening. She may be preparing her response or daydreaming.

Listening is not easy. Listening effectively requires concentration and energy.

A good listener is appreciated by friends, family, and business associates. Good listeners
make good friends; the best therapists are the best listeners; so are effective managers.
People love a good listener, a receptive audience. Through your listening efforts you gain
more than respect. You also gain insight into other people. You can learn about the world
and about yourself.

Edward Dvorak, president of ECD Associates was interviewed for ADVANCE regarding
the five listening styles. He categories listening styles into appreciative, empathic,
comprehensive, discerning or evaluative listeners.

Appreciative listeners generally listen for pleasure to balance their work and social lives.
They look for easy listening and tend to become disenchanted if there's no amusement or
humor in what they're listening to, which may prompt them to retreat.

The empathic listener tunes into the speaker's emotions and focuses on body language,
presentation media and how people react. They find it easy to relate to a speaker's
feelings, and they recognize what the speaker sees. These active listeners look at the
interpersonal presentation as well as what is said.

Comprehensive listeners are interested in specific thoughts and actions. They wait until
they have all the information before expressing opinions or thoughts. They like to relate
messages to their own experiences and try to determine the rationale of the speaker's
argument. They want logical presentations that progress without interruption.
Discerning listeners determine the main message and try to identify with the speaker.
They take copious notes and work hard to concentrate on what the speaker says. They are
good listeners and like information that flows evenly.

Evaluative listeners probably make up the toughest audience in a technical environment,

Dvorak said. They listen analytically, all the while formulating arguments or challenges
to what the speaker is saying. When preparing arguments during a presentation, they may
tune out the speaker and miss data. Thus, they tend to ask a lot of questions and can
become somewhat interruptive. If they receive too much illogical information, they
generally leave.

After practitioners determine their listening style and identify which styles are
appropriate for certain situations, they can begin to explore new techniques to improve
their listening and become critical thinkers.

"You need to determine the driver of your thoughts," Dvorak said. "There are certain
types of thinking, right and left brain. The challenge is to use both sides." Those who
have the ability to think with the greatest amount of resources have developed both sides
of their brains, he said. "As a result, they will be able to create more ideas and solve a
variety of problems."

Certain techniques help to increase thinking skills, which are either lateral or vertical,
Dvorak explained. Most people working in a technical environment employ vertical
thinking. They prioritize things from the base to the solution, building one step on
another, by considering only appropriate information.

In contrast, lateral thinkers consider things that are achieved across a wide variety of
thinking to reach their goal.

The goal of the individuals will determine the type of thinking and listening they want.
Lateral thinking or brainstorming will help practitioners to create new ideas or
incorporate better methods into their services. The process is made more successful by
adjusting listening style to complement a thinking method.

Edward Dvorak states that "while people may lean toward one listening style, we
generally have a combination of two or three." Listening styles are not determined by
genetic or environmental influence, but by satisfaction achieved over the years, he noted.

Regardless of individual style, the goal is to become a better listener Dvorak said, "You
have to work on it; but when you identify your listening style and skills, you open up an
awareness you never thought about before." People should consider in what situations
their listening style would be most effective and how they can improve it.

To be a good listener, you must decide to listen. Once you are clear about it, you can use
the following techniques to be a more effective listener. These ideas are especially useful
in times of high emotional tension.
Nonverbal listening

Much of listening is nonverbal. Here are five guidelines for effective nonverbal listening.

1. Be quiet. Silence is more than staying quiet or not interrupting while someone is
speaking. Pausing for several seconds before you start to talk allows the speaker to catch
her breath or gather her thoughts. She may want to continue.

If the message is complete, this short break gives you time to form your response and
helps you avoid the biggest barrier to listening—listening with your answer running. If
you make up a response before the person is finished, you miss the end of the message
which often contains the main point.

2. Maintain eye contact. Look at the other person while she speaks. It demonstrates your
attention and it helps keep your mind from wandering. Your eyes also let you "listen" to
body language and behavior. When some of us remove our glasses, we not only can’t see,
we can't hear!

3. Display openness. You can communicate openness by your facial expression and body
position. Uncross your arms and legs. Sit up straight. Face the other person and remove
any physical barriers, such as a pile of books.

4. Listen without response. This doesn’t mean never respond. It means wait. When
listening to another person, we often interrupt with our opinions, suggestions, and
inappropriate comments.

"Oh, I'm so excited. I just found out that I am nominated to be in Who's Who in American
Musicians." "Yeah, that's neat. My uncle Elmer got into Who's Who in American
Veterinarians.

Watch your nonverbal response, too. A look of "Good grief!" from you can keep the other
person from finishing her message.

5. Send acknowledgment. Periodically, in the midst of so much nonverbal listening, it is

important to let the speaker know you are still there. Your words or nonverbal gestures of
acknowledgment let the speaker know you are interested and that you are with her and
her message. These include "Umhum," "OK," "yes," and head nods.

These acknowledgments do not imply your agreement. If someone tells you what they
don’t like about you, your head nod doesn’t mean you agree. It just indicates that you are
listening.

Verbal listening

Sometimes it is necessary to speak to facilitate listening.

1. Feed back meaning. Paraphrase the communication. Do not just parrot what they said.
Briefly summarize. Feed back the essence of what you think the other person said. "Let
me see if I got what you said. . ."or, "What I’m hearing you say is. . . " Often the other
person will say, "No, that's not what I meant. What I said was. . . "

There will be no doubt when you get it right. The sender will say, "Yeah, . that's it," and
will either continue with another message or stop sending it because he knows you
understand.

If you don’t understand the message, be persistent. Ask the person to please repeat what
he said and paraphrase it again. Effective communication involves a feedback loop.

Be concise. This is not a time to stop the other person by talking on and on about what
you think you heard.

2. Listen beyond words. Be aware of nonverbal messages and behavior. You may notice
and comment that the speaker's body language is screaming the exact opposite of her
words. For example, "I noticed you said you are excited, but you look very bored."

3. Take care of yourself. People seek out good listeners, and there are times when you
don’t want to listen. You may be busy or distracted with your own concerns. Be honest.
Don’t pretend to listen. You can say, "I don’t have the time right now." It's OK not to
listen.

Listening is an art that must be practiced!

 At Its Best Listening Involves 5 :

• Hearing
• Understanding the information
• Understanding the emotions
• Checking your understanding
• Seeing it from the person's viewpoint, without necessarily agreeing

Benefits of Active Listening

Would you like to:

• facilitate understanding and working with others to produce creative solutions and solve
problems?
• encourage speakers to keep communicating, to share more and go deeper?
• promote open relationships?
• prompt your prospects to release their feelings more easily?
• to make your prospects feel less controlled by you and less afraid of a negative response?

Types of Listening

1. Empathizing: Drawing out the speaker and getting information in a supportive, helpful
way
2. Analyzing: Seeking concrete information and trying to separate fact from emotion.
3. Synthesizing: Proactively guiding the exchange towards an objective.
12 Rules of Effective Listening
By Ge off Nigh tin ga le

1. Listen for ideas, not facts – ask yourself what they mean
2. Judge content, not delivery, i.e. what they say, not how they say it
3. Listen optimistically – don't lose interest straight away
4. Do not jump to conclusions
5. Be flexible, adjust your note-taking to the speaker
6. Concentrate – don't start dreaming – and keep eye contact
7. Do not think ahead of the speaker – you will lose track
8. Work at listening – be alert and alive
9. Keep emotions under control when listening
10. Open your mind – practice accepting new information
11. Breathe slowly and deeply
12. Relax physically, get comfortable
The art of effective listening

Sometimes things aren't always pleasant at the workplace. Things do go wrong. Criticism
abounds. You tend to get defensive. But will that help put things right?

You should inculcate and practise the art of effective listening. It will make all the difference
to your career. Unless you separate the problem from your emotions, you're not likely to find
solutions to the problem.

• You need to start coming up with answers to problems if you want to climb the ladder
of success in your chosen career. Every office has occasional problems with late
delivery, defective quality, and dissatisfied clients. This needs to be kept to a
minimum, and has to be solved as soon as possible.
• Sometimes people above you do get unpleasant. Just listen to what they have to say.
Try not to take it personally. That's your best defence.
• Once you figure out the problem, track down where it went wrong. Listen to what
people are saying every step of the way. You're more likely to find out where things are
going wrong.
• If you are not sure how to handle the problem, don't hesitate to ask for help. But make
sure you listen to the advice.
• It takes a lot of patience and practice to be able to listen effectively. You need to leave
your emotions out of it.
• But once you learn it, it is a skill that will always be with you. At any place, in any job.

So what are you waiting for? Take a deep breath and focus on the problem.