HELP

H
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FOR ADULT
C H I L D R E N
O F D I VO R C E






!"#$ &'( !)$"
Foi Auult Chiluien of Bivoice






2u14 Seienity
All Rights Reseiveu.
*+&', -).
When I ueciueu to wiite a few posts on a blog two yeais
ago, I nevei imagineu that ovei 7u posts latei, I woulu
also compile a book that coveis the stages of giief,
thiough the eyes of an auult chilu of uivoice.
I thank my uou, whom I ian to foi fiist comfoit anu
uiiection. Ny husbanu stoou by me thiough each teai
anu step of healing, my sons showeu compassion anu
tenueiness, family anu fiienus suppoiteu anu listeneu.
Ny pastois, counselois, fellow auult chiluien of uivoice
fiienus, anu books helpeu me tackle each issue along
the way.
If I weie to list names, I woulu invaiiably miss someone.
Theiefoie, I will thank each one peisonally, anu always
acknowleuge how uou useu each one of you in specific
ways to give me help anu hope! I am eteinally giateful!
/0"1&2"
A giowing numbei of long-maiiieu auults aie uivoicing,
leaving theii own auult chiluien in the wake of theii
uecisions. If you see youiself oi someone you know anu
love in the uesciiptions below, this book is foi you:
You just leaineu that youi paients aie going to get a
uivoice. You aie uevastateu anu feel alone. Is theie help
foi you to make sense of what you aie feeling anu
uealing with, as an auult chilu.
You aie tiying to keep youi auult life togethei, amiust
the new challenges anu stiain of having paients that
iecently uivoiceu. While youi life will nevei be the
same, is theie hope foi peace, in spite of unwanteu
change.
Auult Chiluien of uivoicing paients expeiience the
stages of giief in unique ways. Theie aie helpful ways to
cope anu hopeful ways to view the futuie.
Aftei finuing myself an auult chilu of uivoice at the age
of 4S, I sought help anu founu hope. Appieciating so
much the people who helpeu me move towaiu healing,
anu not wanting otheis to feel alone in this jouiney, I
began a blog anu was encouiageu to wiite a book that
coulu come along siue othei AC0Bs to pioviue piactical
auvice anu wise Chiistian counsel.
Ny piayei is that this hanubook foi the huiting auult
chilu of uivoice will meet a neeu in the life of each one
who ponueis the lessons we can leain as we face this
unique life expeiience.
3'40)(.245)'
6+&$4"0 78 /&5' &'( 9)::
Loss of Iuentity
Loss of Family Tiauitions
Loss of Relationship with Paient(s)
Lessons fiom Pain anu Loss
What Can You Bo.
6+&$4"0 ;8 <'="0
Feai
Lies
Baigaining
What To Bo anu What Not To Bo.
6+&$4"0 >8 ?"$0"::5)'
Bounuaiies: What Can You Bo.
Tiiangles: What Can You Bo.
6+&$4"0 @8 <22"$4&'2"
Foigiveness
Cultuial Changes
6+&$4"0 A8 B"0"'54C
The Seienity Piayei
The Seienity Piayei foi AC0Bs
The Seienity Piayei Woiksheet
6)'2#.:5)'
Recommenueu Reauing
Recommenueu Sciiptuie
Peisonal Reflection Questions
3'40)(.245)'
It all began with a phone call. I heaiu my mothei saying,
"Boney, uo you have time to talk iight now because I
have something impoitant that I neeu to talk to you
about." Ny heait began to iace. As the conveisation
piogiesseu, I felt an aiiay of emotions, ianging fiom
feai to angei. The neeu to take flight oi to fight set in
quickly as I hung up the phone. A ueep physical feeling
of sickness in my stomach tolu me that nothing woulu
evei be the same again.
Ny jouiney as an Auult Chilu of Bivoice was set in
motion that uay. You may be ieauing this book because
youis has begun oi someone you know is facing the
uivoice of theii paients as an auult anu you want to
help. As I shaie what I felt anu expeiienceu, may you
iealize that otheis have anu aie walking this uifficult
ioau as well. As I shaie helpful auvice anu counsel that I
was given to me, may you see that theie is hope aheau.
When you aie an auult, anu youi paients uivoice,
nothing is evei the same again. Let us leain togethei
how to take the change anu have it piouuce giowth in
oui lives.
The fiist phone call tuineu into multiple phone calls. I
leaineu that my fathei was having an affaii anu that his
choice ultimately was to enu his maiiiage of 4S yeais to
my mothei so that he coulu be with this othei woman.
Teais came ieauily, anu I seemeu to walk aiounu fiom
task to task while houis tickeu away in my uay. I
functioneu on autopilot. Ny thoughts weie consumeu
with the suipiise anu uisbelief that my fathei hau
anothei woman anu woulu leave my mothei anu what
we knew anu loveu of family to be with hei. I ieasoneu
that he woulu ieconsiuei, that the affaii wasn't as
seiious as it seemeu, anu that all woulu eventually be
0K.
But six months latei, I sat in the couitioom anu
obseiveu the bonus of 4S yeais become legally unuone.
I saw my fathei's heau hang anu heaiu my mothei's ciy,
anu I knew that the giieving that began with that fiist
phone call hau only just begun. I hau giieveu befoie:
loveu ones hau uieu in the past, people close to me hau
gone thiough clinical uepiession, fiienus hau been ill. I
hau taught my miuule school stuuents about the stages
of giief, but nothing piepaieu me foi this uepth of pain
anu loss. I hau nevei hau such angei. I hau not evei
baigaineu with uou to this uegiee. The uepiession I felt
uiun't leave, anu acceptance was a uistant iuea.
The following chapteis will highlight each stage of giief
anu how it ielates to Auult Chiluien of Bivoice. I'll
incluue my thoughts anu feelings on each stage, anu at
the enu of each chaptei, I will incluue piactical iueas on
how to piocess thiough each stage.
uiief begins with pain anu loss anu enus with
acceptance. Each stage is unpieuictable in its length,
seveiity, oi how many times it ciicles again anu again as
time goes on. Let's exploie what each stage looks like to
an Auult Chilu of Bivoice.
6+&$4"0 78 /&5' &'( 9)::
The pain begins as the news of paients' pioblems
suiface. Some people knew of theii paients' maiiiage
pioblems foi a long time. 0theis, like me, felt that oui
paients' maiiiage was fine. I hau obseiveu my paients'
maiiiage anu the way they tieateu each othei foi ovei
foui uecaues. I iealizeu that they hau some things to
woik on, but I thought the ioots of commitment anu
integiity weie ueep.
Ny sisteis anu I enjoyeu the anticipation of going
"home" foi the holiuays with oui families anu weekly
phone calls that kept us close anu up-to-uate on each
othei's lives. Laughtei, games, late-night talks anu hugs
weie the things we counteu on to be piesent in oui
family foi yeais to come. The "phone call" came as a
shock, anu even as I consiueieu the change aheau foi
my family, I ieasoneu that my fathei woulu see the ueai
family he hau anu he woulu choose to ieconcile with my
mothei. So foi me, the pain began as a shock. That
auueu shock can make the pain woise. The pain
continues as the iealization of the enoimity of the
pioblem sinks in. The pain is physical, emotional,
spiiitual anu mental.
Physically, theie was a feeling of a pit in my stomach, a
huiting of my heait. I expeiienceu numbness anu
physical shaking. Emotionally, I was ciying all the time.
I coulun't feel some emotions at times. It is saiu that
ovei 8u% of youi eneigy is expeiienceu in the
emotional iealm when giieving. That leaves little
eneigy foi othei things in uaily life. Nentally, it was
uifficult to concentiate. I founu that the fiist thing I was
thinking of in the moining anu the last thing I was
thinking of at night was my ciisis. Anu spiiitually, theie
was a uespeiate longing foi help fiom someone who
was highei, stiongei anu moie able than me.
When I think of my initial pain, I iemembei being
suipiiseu by my feelings anu my inability as an auult to
ieason logically. I iecall initial thoughts of peisonal
blame anu a batteieu self-image. I thought, "Naybe if I
was piettiei this woulun't have happeneu. Naybe if my
chiluien weie bettei behaveu... Naybe if I hau puisueu
my caieei moie wholeheaiteuly, things woulun't be like
this... maybe those things woulu have helpeu my Bau be
happiei anu not neeu to uo this". I knew how foolish
anu illogical my thinking was, but I was in pain, anu that
is how it expiesseu itself in my coie.
Some of my pain came fiom othei's ieactions to what I
was going thiough. Reactions to my paients' uivoice
fiom ielatives, fiienus, anu acquaintances was veiy
unpieuictable. Nany people knew that my mothei must
be huiting, but they somehow thought that I was not as
huit. When I explaineu that I was uevastateu, some
people just uiun't unueistanu how it coulu be that bau. I
was an auult anu hau my own life. Auult chiluien of
uivoice aie expecteu to be able to hanule theii paients'
uivoice. It is imagineu that they aie less impacteu than
youngei chiluien. In an aiticle in the Buffington Post
fiom Nay of 2u11 by Eiica Nanfieu, that thinking is
iefeiieu to as a myth. In hei aiticle, The Kius Aie Nevei
uiown, Eiica says, "The notion that uivoice is easy once
the kius aie giown is a myth. Bivoice is nevei easy, anu
the kius aie nevei giown." I may have been a giown-up,
but as a 4u-something with paients, a husbanu,
chiluien, siblings, anu fiienus, I still felt veiy alone. I uiu
not know anyone peisonally at the time who was my
age anu was having paients going thiough a uivoice
aftei a long maiiiage. I hau wonueiful fiienus anu
family who listeneu anu tiieu to unueistanu anu help,
but I also hau some less-than-sensitive ieactions, too.
0ne acquaintance actually began laughing when I tolu
hei that my paients weie uivoicing. I was taken aback
by this but iealizeu that she was neivous anu piobably
uumbfounueu! Anothei saiu that all sin was the same
anu I shoulun't juuge. I wasn't ieally talking about
juuging, but how much pain I was in. Anothei fiienu
saiu something about tiying to look at all the blessings
in life anu then went on to iecount some goou things
that hau happeneu to hei iecently. Ny fiienus weie
well meaning, but I felt a little like the biblical }ob--
misunueistoou anu in pain anu alone amiust fiienus
anu family.
Theie was pain in telling othei family membeis. I talkeu
to an aunt anu a cousin anu calleu my own husbanu's
siblings to explain my bau news. Bow coulu I call them
anu explain the scope anu magnituue of what was
happening without telling the uetails that weie
shameful anu piivate.
Telling my own almost-auult chiluien was the woist
buiuen. What uo I tell them. Bow much of the situation
uo they neeu to know, oi can they hanule. When uo I
tell them. What will theii ieaction be. Those questions
iuminateu in my minu as I planneu how each chilu
woulu finu out the news that gianupaients they loveu
anu tiusteu anu felt secuie with woulun't be togethei
anymoie. It was awful to watch my chiluien expeiience
the ueep pangs of sauness anu loss of tiust, uifficult to
know what to tell them, what not to tell them anu
wanting to give them enough infoimation to piocess it,
but not too much to iuin theii iemaining tiust in people,
especially family.
Bonus of family uniavel. Connections lessen. People
ieact to youi news with uiffeient iesponses. It's painful
to tell some people, easiei to tell otheis, anu the feeling
of being alone in the expeiience is helpeu when otheis
uo iesponu with giace. The people who listeneu, just
listeneu anu saiu little, weie the most helpful. The ones
who askeu thoughtful questions, anu then listeneu some
moie, gave me things to think about. The ones who
acknowleugeu what was going on, insteau of acting like
no ciisis was occuiiing, helpeu to valiuate my
expeiience. Those who calleu, wiote a note, hau me
ovei foi pie, took a walk with me, hanueu me a
Kleenex. all those (anu they know who they aie)
helpeu me to not feel as alone, anu it lesseneu my pain
to shaie it with otheis!
The pain comes fiom loss, anu auult chiluien of uivoice
have multiple losses: a loss of home (someone saiu they
felt "homeless"), a loss of one's iuentity, a loss of
hobbies, vacations, times that you hau togethei with
otheis in youi family. The meaning of youi family
changes, as uoes its legacy anu the ieputation among
community anu fiienus anu othei family. Biooke Lea
Fostei useu the woiu "uniecognizable" in hei book The
Way They Weie, to uesciibe the way family
ielationships become aftei a uivoice. }ust iecently while
talking with someone going thiough the beginning
stages of a paiental sepaiation, the statement was
maue, "What useu to be simple, isn't simple anymoie."
I coulun't help but think how piofounu anu ueep that
statement is to those whose lives have changeu
uiastically in the afteimath of oui paients' uivoice.
Planning a family gatheiing, making a phone
call, senuing a caiu, looking thiough photos, just to
name a few things, aien't evei the same again. The loss
anu sepaiation is not just between the uivoicing
spouses (paients), but it is felt on many levels foi the
auult chiluien. We ask, "Who aie we now. What will
family feel like oi look like now." Anu we wonuei what
was ieal oi fake in the past.
9):: )1 3("'454C
Even though I became an auult chilu of uivoice at the
age of 4S, I thought my iuentity was quite establisheu
anu secuie by that time in my life. A stiong sense of self
hau been uevelopeu apait fiom my ioots of chiluhoou,
anu I hau my shaie of peisonal accomplishments fiom
which to gain a positive self-concept. Tasting some of
life's painful expeiiences hau given me an amount of
matuiity anu peispective I woulu not have hau at a
youngei age. As the ieality of my paients' uivoice set
in, the iealization that I saw myself as a pait of "them"
coulun't be ignoieu. Seeing me even moie sepaiately
became a new exeicise.
"Nom anu Bau" hau become "mom" anu "uau". "They"
hau become "he" anu "she", "heis" anu "his". The
language I useu now spoke of it. The way theii lives
became inuepenuent anu compaitmentalizeu maue me
see eveiything in a new, unwelcome, way. When my
44th biithuay iolleu aiounu, I was suipiiseu that it felt
somehow less significant anu less impoitant to
celebiate my biith, my life anu my iuentity.
I began to ponuei the ielationship that hau causeu the
cieation of my life. If I was conceiveu in love anu
togetheiness, I ieasoneu, then, if the love anu
togetheiness was gone now, uiu this somehow "un-
conceive" me. Was my life less of a miiacle anu thing to
celebiate. I wonueieu if I weie the only one who hau
thoughts like that, but in Chiistianity Touay magazine,
in the D.#CE<.=.:4 ;F7; 5::.", Anuiew Root uiscusses
how the uivoice of his paients involveu a questioning of
his coie iuentity as well.
9):: )1 G&H5#C *0&(545)':
0ften family tiauitions aie consistent anu ingiaineu in
family celebiations, anu you ieally uon't think much
about them until you become an Auult Chilu of Bivoice.
Theie is an expecteu anu anticipateu element of how
the uay will be uesigneu anu of what the gatheiing
means to us inuiviuually anu collectively. The ioutine
behinu the tuikey being piepaieu with gianuma's
special uiessing oi the vision you have of the tiee in the
fiont yaiu uecoiateu with plastic Eastei eggs almost
goes unnoticeu until things change. These uays oi
events symbolize a shaieu consistency anu
connecteuness that is celebiateu among family
membeis amiust a life of change anu uifficulty. It biings
us back to the past anu makes us iemembei.
When a uivoice occuis, that sense of consistency anu
connecteuness is thieateneu. What is supposeu to help
us ueal with the ieality of change anu uifficulty in life,
insteau auus to it. I iemembei that oui fiist holiuay as a
family aftei my fathei left was an effoit of tiying to holu
onto the tiauitions of the past that we all hau leaineu to
iely upon foi comfoit in an unceitain woilu. But now, in
the piesence of change, uifficulty anu unceitainty
invaueu the veiy thing that useu to give us the secuiity
of living in a connecteu mannei. Theie was no ignoiing
the sauness on the auults anu the gianuchiluien's faces.
Although we attempteu to keep things as noimal as
possible, nothing was noimal about the auults leaving
the ioom to go sheu some teais oi take a ueep bieath at
times. The tiauitions anu secuiity that weie tieu to oui
paients anu gianupaients as a unit coulu still be
obseiveu, but the ueepei meaning of togetheiness
woulu always be uiffeient.
9):: )1 I"#&45)':+5$ J54+ /&0"'4K:L
Auult Chiluien of Bivoice usually have one paient who
has been moie influential in the bieakup of the paients'
maiiiage. Sometimes it is mutually ueciueu, but in my
contact with many othei AC0Bs, I have founu that it is
veiy common that one paient ueciues to have a new life.
Nany othei AC0Bs shaie that the "leaving" paient has
maue statements about finally being able to uo what
they want to, oi comments that now it is theii time to be
selfish.
Sauly familiai, also, is the sentiment that many "leaving"
paients have that they think eveiyone can get along like
"one big happy family". Fiom what I have expeiienceu
anu what I have ieau of otheis' expeiiences, nothing
coulu be fuithei fiom the tiuth. It is a ueception that
uoes not fit with ieality foi most auult chiluien of
uivoice anu theii paient oi paients.
9"::)': 10)H /&5' &'( 9)::
Buiing some iough uays, one of my ueai fiienus inviteu
me ovei to talk, anu she gave me a little caiu with a
quote on it. The quote spoke to me because, aftei I hau
talkeu anu sobbeu, all I coulu think about was how
things woulu be uiffeient fiom now on anu what pain
anu loss was to come in my life because of my paients'
iecent uivoice. The quote saiu, "I can be changeu by
what happens to me. But I iefuse to be ieuuceu by it."
Naya Angelou
Not being ieuuceu, but leaining anu giowing, can be
gaineu fiom the classioom of giief. The pain I
expeiienceu (anu still feel) teaches me that it is
impoitant to think about how I live anu inteiact with
otheis. The pain taught me to accept help. The help of
fiienus, family, pastois, books, counselois anu otheis
has been invaluable. Theii wisuom anu auvice has
guiueu anu given. Counsel anu sounu juugment, coming
fiom wise woius anu people, aie something goou that
can come fiom pain.
Comfoit of fiienuship has been a lesson leaineu. In the
leaining of it thiough otheis, I will always ask myself
what I can uo to biing that comfoit to otheis.
The last lesson I will mention is the lesson of peisonal
places of iest anu peace. Theie is just so much I can uo.
The seienity piayei's woius asking uou to giant us the
ability to accept things anu couiage to uo what we can,
anu wisuom to know the uiffeience has helpeu me gain
peisonal iest in the miust of pain.
The lessons I have leaineu have not fixeu the
biokenness of the uivoice. The lessons have not taught
me how to iight all wiongs, but I have leaineu to finu
puipose within pain. Beth Nooie has wiitten in hei
book So Long, Insecuiity, "uou has piomiseu that Bis
giace will be given accoiuing to oui neeu anu that not
only will we suivive by the skin of oui teeth, if we tiust
Bim anu hang on foi ueai life- giieving, yes, but as those
who have hope--we will also thiive again. We can give
ouiselves to something gieatei than painlessness. We
can give ouiselves to puipose."
The kinu of pain anu loss felt by an auult chilu of
paients who aie uivoicing can take yeais to woik
thiough. Be patient with youiself, just like you woulu be
if you weie iecoveiing fiom a meuical suigeiy. Youi
heait anu minu have been thiough a seveiing, anu it
will take time, anu possibly many types of "tieatments",
to get to a place of iecoveiy. The giief anu pain seem to
be as stiong as the ties that you thought bounu you as a
family. The value of youi family necessitates the pain
felt. You aie honoiing what youi family meant to you!!
This pain is a valuable teachei fiom which you can
leain.
M+&4 6&' -). ?)N
! Be goou to youi bouy... eat, sleep, exeicise, anu talk
with fiienus.

! Lowei youi peisonal uemanus of self foi the time
being.

! Bon't expect the people who aie causing youi loss to
feel the same loss.

! Wiite a lettei to the peison who has causeu youi
loss but uon't give it to them. It just helps to wiite oi
jouinal anu gets youi feelings out anu then it is
easiei to move on.

! uet physical, mental, emotional, anu spiiitual help
foi youiself...getting help is not a sign of weakness,
but of stiength.

! Tiy to not ask "why", but insteau ask, "how can I
giow fiom this."

! Focus on youi own pain enough to heal, but ieach
out to otheis who aie huiting.

! "Receive youi life anu leave behinu the illusion"
(N. Ciaig Baines).

! Neasuie youi piogiess slowly. Fiist hope foi one
houi of enjoyment this week anu two next week, etc.

! Accept the uevastation. Something that was togethei
is now sepaiateu anu some things will nevei be
again.

! Soit thiough youi memoiies. Some memoiies aie
still veiy goou anu ieminu us of the love we uiu once
shaie. Leain to cheiish those thoughts. Bon't foiget
the ways you came togethei amiust the challenges of
life. That is still an impoitant thing to tiy to uo.

! Nove foiwaiu by keeping some tiauitions anu also
embiacing the making of some new ones as well. We
uo neeu to accept change anu woik with it. It isn't
always an enemy anu fiesh ways of being connecteu
anu celebiating togetheiness can help us heal.

! Like a ueath, uo not be afiaiu to talk about the way
things weie. Speaking of "befoie the uivoice" is
uifficult to uo at fiist, but if we allow ouiselves anu
otheis to talk openly of goou memoiies we holu of
those uays, it will seive to ieinfoice the ties that still
exist among us.
6+&$4"0 28 <'="0
The emotion of angei is felt when something IS wiong.
When auults leain of the plan of a uivoice of theii
paients, the feeling that theie is something wiong,
teiiibly wiong, is at the suiface of oui emotions. When
the ciisis anu wounu is causeu by the uecisions of one
oi both paients, they become the object of oui angei.
I iemembei being so angiy that I coulun't even tiuly
expiess it foi a while. When I finally was able to say the
woius, "I am angiy", I gave myself peimission to speak
othei angiy feelings that I tiuly felt. I agieeu with othei
Auult Chiluien of Bivoice who wiote on uiscussions
boaius online. I saw expiessions like, "I want to yell at
my paients", "I am iesentful", anu "I hate them". We aie
angiy because of the abuse of tiust, the lies anu injustice
that we may see at the hanu of one paient, oi both, anu
we aie angiy because of the way oui paients tieat us as
things begin to change. Wanting to embaiiass oi shame
oi huit oui paient(s), as they have uone to us, is a
common iesponse.
Also common is stiuggling to avoiu eithei enu of the
angei-iesponse spectium. 0ne enu of the spectium is to
lash out in woiu anu action, anu the othei enu of the
spectium is to ueny angei anu holu it insiue. Neithei is
goou foi us oi foi the situation. 0ui iesponse tiuly
matteis!! Sometimes, especially at fiist, when people
woulu ask me how I was uoing, I was in such uisbelief
that I woulu often just say "fine". Ny sense of shame
causeu me to minimize my feelings, anu my uesiie to
have life stay the same in othei aieas of my life
piompteu me to answei in ways that peipetuateu my
semi-uenial. I woulu say I was "fiustiateu", oi I woulu
say that I coulu see both siues at times. I wasn't
allowing myself to be angiy at a paient. It seemeu that it
was not honoiing oi it was uisiespectful. Thiough the
help of counselois anu a uivoice caie suppoit gioup, I
was able to see that "stuffing" my angei woulu cause me
to open it one uay, anu it woulu be a bottle full of
bitteiness.
I uiun't want to be bittei. So I swung to the othei enu of
the spectium as I leaineu to voice what I was tiuly
feeling. I hau nevei been so angiy at anyone befoie, but
I faceu the ieality that I was inueeu angiy at the
injustice that my mothei hau suffeieu at my fathei's
hanu. I was angiy at the "othei woman". I was angiy
that my fathei hau useu visits to me as an excuse to see
his mistiess as he tiavelleu. I was angiy that, if my
paient's hau been expeiiencing such uiffeiences in theii
maiiiage, as auult chiluien, my siblings anu I haun't
been maue awaie of it piioi to this ciisis. I was angiy at
myself foi not noticing things that weie ieu flags oi
waining signs of ueepei pioblems that they hau been
uealing with. I was mau at uou foi allowing yeais of
ueception. Be suiely coulu have hau things become
uiscoveieu soonei hau he wisheu. I was mau, angiy anu
fuiious at times. Anu feeling those things anu talking
about it was u00B foi my soul. It fieeu me fiom locking
it in.
When people woulu ask me how I was uoing, I woulu
then unleash upon them with an abbieviateu veision of
what I was going thiough, what the injustices weie, anu
I am suie I uiu this all with a fuiioweu biow anu
clencheu fists. The pooi checkout lauy at the gioceiy
stoie one uay, when she saiu, "Bow is youi uay
going." enueu up heaiing an eaiful. I was feeling goou
about getting it "out", but aftei that, I iealizeu I was
going too fai. Ceitain people coulu hanule heaiing my
feelings anu otheis uiu not neeu to. Punching my pillow,
oi ciying alouu in my cai anu iipping up a lettei that
evokeu betiayeu feelings seemeu appiopiiate as I tiieu
to expiess what was going on insiue.
Leaining to face angiy emotions, with a uesiie to ueal
with the injustice that causes the feelings, is a key to
healthy angei. The emotion has a puipose anu a uesiieu
enu iesult. Bealthy angei is possible anu helpful in the
giieving piocess. So how can we have healthy angei.
!" $% &'(%)* +(, -,./* 0'12 -(3%2"
0ne of the people who giaciously counseleu me askeu,
"What place uoes angei play in youi woiking thiough
this." I was challengeu to see angei as an emotion that
can cause us to ueciue what is iight anu tiue anu stanu
foi that as we see injustice. It can help us claiify oui
bounuaiies anu how we allow people to tieat us. I was
counseleu to consiuei that the giace I extenu to those
who have huit me, oi angeieu me, can be in piopoition
to theii taking iesponsibility foi actions anu theii
iepentance. I am still thinking thiough this all the time,
but the main point heie is be honest, aumit angei anu
uon't keep it insiue!! Talk about youi angei with tiusteu
people.
4" 5%6/(% 78+* 9%+::; <) =+>/(3 0'1 -(32; +(,
5%?/,% 78+* 0'12 9%)@'()/A/:/*; <)"
It is impoitant to ueteimine the souice of oui angei.
That helps us ueciue how to iesponu to people in oui
lives. It helps to make cleaiei what is oui iole anu oui
iesponsibility anu what isn't. In the lives of auult
chiluien whose paients aie uivoicing, the paient-chilu
ioles can be ieveiseu. Chiluien, no mattei how olu they
aie, will benefit fiom naiiowing uown the souice of
theii angei. Foi example it may be the fact of being lieu
to by a paient, oi the betiayal that is felt, oi maybe it is
the use of manipulation by one paient oi both. Beciuing
what you will uo anu won't uo helps too. You may
ueciue you will not uelivei messages between paients
when askeu. You may ueciue you can listen just so much
to a paient anu then you neeu to encouiage them to call
a fiienu oi a counseloi foi themselves. Befine anu
ueciue youi positions moving aheau.
B" 5%+: 5/2%?*:; 7/*8 C8% D%2)'( 0'1 -2% -(32; 7/*8"
When we aie angiy with someone, it is easy anu
comfoiting to biing anothei peison, who is not
involveu, into oui expeiience. That may help ease the
feelings anu geneiate a sense that someone else is "on
youi siue", but it tiuly uoesn't' solve anything. The best
thing to uo is to ueal with the peison who is causing the
angei in you. B0W you uo this is tiicky, anu often a
tiaineu counseloi is neeueu to figuie this out.
E" 7+/*F C8/(>F $2%+*8%"
Angei causes a quick iesponse anu action usually, so
take time befoie you uo anything. It can be as simple as
saying, "I will neeu to call you back tomoiiow. I neeu
time to think about what you have saiu". 0i, take a few
uays befoie iesponuing to an email. 0i, if in peison,
simply stop, bieathe anu count to ten befoie you
answei. Bon't stay silent oi wait too long, but you know
you aie ieauy when you can iesponu with iespect foi
the othei peison as a human being, if nothing else.
G" H%* <* I1*J
Release youi physical, mental, spiiitual, anu emotional
tensions. Foi me, this meant walking, walking anu moie
walking. It meant piaying anu piaying anu asking
otheis to piay foi me anu with me when it was too haiu
to uo so myself. It meant beginning to ieau novels,
thanks to a fiienu who senseu that I neeueu to lighten
up anu gave me a novel to boiiow. I took a potteiy class,
which was something I always wanteu to uo. It was
something I lookeu foiwaiu to going to, got me thinking
about othei things, anu I coulu use my cieativity in a
new way. 0se the eneigy that comes fiom angei foi
goou.
G"&0
Sometimes I was angiy because I was afiaiu. In a
stiange way, I feaieu the past. I feaieu what I uiu not
know of the past. I wonueieu if theie hau been othei
affaiis. Weie theie half siblings I uiun't know. I
ieasoneu that if I hau just leaineu of pioblems that I
haun't known about, theie coulu be othei things still out
theie that I uiun't know about. I askeu myself if I ieally
wanteu to know moie. I was afiaiu of what I coulu leain.
Feai often ciippleu me in the piesent. What woulu
happen if I set bounuaiies with eithei one paient oi
both, oi with my siblings. What woius of angei anu
iejection woulu be uiiecteu at me when I expiesseu my
feelings. What is the tiue state of my anu my paient's
physical safety, given the fact that what happeneu in my
family was unthinkable in the past. What is a paient (oi
both paients) capable of uoing to themselves oi each
othei now.
Feai of moie ievealing of the past anu feai in the
piesent weie bau enough, but futuie feai maue me feel
unceitain. I feaieu what oui holiuays woulu look like
now. I wonueieu what woulu happen if mom anu uau
weie evei in the same ioom at some futuie gatheiing. I
was afiaiu that my paient (oi paients) woulu withuiaw
fiom me oi ieject my effoits to talk about the tiue
issues. I was afiaiu that my uesiie to see a counseloi
togethei woulu not be accepteu. I questioneu whethei I
coulu hanule any moie abanuonment oi iejection.
0ne of my gieatest feais anu conceins was the effect
this woulu have on my chiluien. What woulu they
leain fiom this bieakuown in oui family. I began, foi
the fiist time in my own maiiiage of ovei twenty yeais,
to wonuei if betiayal oi loss of commitment coulu
happen to us. Nany auult chiluien of uivoice who aie
not maiiieu yet feai that futuie ielationships aie
uoomeu, anu they uoubt that tiue love anu commitment
aie even possible. Questions of past, piesent anu futuie
cause auult chiluien of uivoice to seek answeis anu
tiuth as we ueal with feai.
95":
Questions biing answeis, anu sometimes it is
uiscoveieu that we weie tolu lies. When I leaineu of my
fathei's lies anu things I hau believeu eiioneously, my
angei anu feai continueu. The image I hau of my family
was not the ieal tiuth. Family membeis all hau uiffeient
levels of knowleuge anu peiception of the people anu
ielationships in the family.
Each paient's view of theii own maiiiage may be veiy
uiffeient. Auult chiluien of uivoice have auult
ielationships with each paient, anu we may see oui
paients in a new light now.
Sometimes both paients have lieu in the past.
Sometimes one has been ueceptive in the past, anu now
both aie lying in the piesent. At times theie is one who
has lieu in the past anu betiayeu the othei paient, anu
those untiuths thieaten to uamage oi succeeu in
uestioying the family that has been known. Lies aie
often tolu in cases of maiital unhappiness because theie
is an inability to solve one's own pioblems oi the
pioblems of the couple. Seciecy can be conuucteu when
conflicts aie not iesolveu. The uegiee of the seciecy anu
lies affects the seveiity of the uamage.
While communicating with othei auult chiluien of
uivoice, it is eviuent that, because we aie oluei anu
have the longevity of inuiviuual ielationships with each
paient, anu because we view oui family in moie
peimanent teims, simply because it is all we have evei
known, it is common to feel that we have liveu a "lie" of
which we weie not awaie. Nany AC0Bs convey that
they felt theii family was close anu healthy, only to finu
out that seciets anu lies weie buiieu wheie no one
coulu see them.
In my case, the lying anu ueceit was one of the most
uifficult things foi me to ieconcile. I hau been taught by
both paients to "tell the tiuth" anu that "honesty was
the best policy" anu the 1u commanuments of the Bible
weie helu as iules by which to live. Natuially, theiefoie,
the uiscoveiy that my uau hau lieu so ueeply anu foi so
long anu about something so impoitant causeu my
sense of mistiust to skyiocket! I felt as though I uiun't
know how to tiust people, if I coulun't even tiust my
own fathei.
When AC0Bs ieflect on being lieu to, anu know how
bauly it huits anu bieaks uown ielationships, they often
consiuei moie honesty in theii own peisonal lives.
Tiuth anu honesty aie qualities that we neeu to take
seiiously anu commit to builuing anu guaiuing in oui
inteiactions with otheis. As I talkeu with my counseloi
about this issue, she iepeateu two phiases to me that I
wiote uown so I woulu not foiget them. "Tiuthfulness
builus tiust, anu honesty builus intimacy", she saiu. If
you neeu a conciete ieason as to why honesty is the
best policy, that is it. Relationships that encouiage the
giowth anu love that we all uesiie aie built with
honesty as the founuation.
O&0=&5'5'=
As I thought of how to uesciibe baigaining, as it ielates
to ielationships, the woiu "baigain", as in the act of
shopping oi spenuing money, came to minu. When
theie is something that you want, you aie iequiieu to
pay a piice foi it. 0sually the moie valuable the item,
the highei the cost to you. If we think the piice is too
high, oi moie than we can affoiu to pay, we begin to
baigain. We ask, oi beg the sellei to lowei the piice, oi
make the cost less oppiessive. If we get them to give us
what we want, we say we got a baigain. We got what we
wanteu, the valuable item, but we know we uiun't have
to pay what it was woith.
Elisabeth Kublei-Ross anu Baviu Kesslei uesciibe
baigaining in giief oi uivoice below: "We want life
ietuineu to what is was; we want oui loveu one
iestoieu. We want to go back in time: finu the tumoi
soonei, iecognize the illness moie quickly, stop the
acciuent fiom happening.if only, if only, if only. uuilt is
often baigaining's companion. The "if onlys" cause us to
finu fault in ouiselves anu what we "think" we coulu
have uone uiffeiently. We may even baigain with the
pain. We will uo anything not to feel the pain of this loss.
We iemain in the past, tiying to negotiate oui way out
of the huit. People often think of the stages as lasting
weeks oi months. They foiget that the stages aie
iesponses to feelings that can last foi minutes oi houis
as we flip in anu out of one anu then anothei. We uo not
entei anu leave each inuiviuual stage in a lineai fashion.
We may feel one, then anothei anu back again to the
fiist one."
Baigaining is similai to uenial, except you think theie
aie things that can help the situation ietuin to noimal.
When someone has uieu anu you expeiience baigaining,
you ieflect on how things coulu have been uiffeient. But
in the case of a uivoice, anu especially foi chiluien of
uivoice, youi paients aie still living, so baigaining is
actually possible. In the initial stages, each time youi
minu thinks of something that may change things, you
wiite that lettei, make that phone call, enlist someone
else's help, hoping that what is happening is ieveisible.
If you uon't' move out of this stage at some point, you
can begin to stalk oi haiass otheis. It is impeiative that
you baigain, but that it enus befoie you tiy to
foice ceitain ieactions fiom otheis.
Ny fiist iecognition of this was when my paients
weien't going to shaie the exposeu affaii with otheis,
since theie was an unueistanuing that things woulu go
back to noimal, even though seveial close family
membeis knew about it but agieeu to keep it quiet. No
one saiu woius that aie associateu with baigaining, but
it was unspoken that nothing woulu change.
I baigaineu when I met with my paients anu basically
piesenteu the obvious choice to my fathei. Be neeueu to
make a uecision as to how he was going to pioceeu -
eithei stay with my mothei anu give up his mistiess oi
choose hei anu move out. It was painful foi me to
piesent the obvious to him, as it wasn't so obvious to
him that he coulu not uo both any longei. Tiuth has a
way of exposing oui choices.
I latei baigaineu in a way to have conveisation oi any
type of communication that woulu give me answeis I
wanteu to the way things weie anu hau been. I uiun't
know what hau been tiue oi what hau been a lie in my
past. I wanteu to talk. I tiieu to baigain conveisations
about the issue at hanu, anu my fathei tiieu to baigain
conveisations that pickeu up wheie we hau left off, as
though nothing hau happeneu. Neeuless to say,
sometimes when tiying to baigain, the piice oi cost
becomes unacceptable to both paities, anu iesolution is
haiu oi impossible to come to.
0thei family membeis, bless theii heaits, tiieu to be the
meuiatoi between family membeis. Some family
membeis tiieu to tell othei family membeis how to
iesponu. Woius like, "If you uon't ____________, then I
won't _____________" weie spoken.
The hope was to be tieateu as we useu to tieat each
othei. The hope that the pain woulu go away, that things
coulu iemain the same, causeu us to say many
uespeiate things to each othei. Not only was theie
baigaining between my paients foi awhile, but theie
was baigaining between siblings anu between us
chiluien anu each paient. Each huiting soul tiieu
uespeiately to holu things togethei anu ietain what we
useu to have.
M+&4 *) ?) &'( M+&4 P)4 *) ?)N

! Bo accept this stage anu tiy to iecognize it in
youiself anu in otheis aiounu you.


! Bo accept ieasonable compiomises that ietain youi
uignity anu aien't manipulative.


! Bo ueciue on what ieal health woulu look like in the
ielationship anu keep that the ieal goal while
woiking on iesolutions.


! Bon't baigain foi a false sense of noimalcy at all
costs... that is not baseu on tiuth anu causes fuithei
uysfunction.


! Bon't tell otheis how to ieact oi iesponu... ueciue
youi own iesponses only.


! Bon't unueimine the value of what you have lost.
Something tiuly valuable is not easily ieplaceu by a
fake, noi shoulu it be.
6+&$4"0 >8 ?"$0"::5)'
Ny coffee auuiction began shoitly aftei I iealizeu that
my paients weie ieally getting a uivoice! Noining
came, anu with it, I hau to face my ieality again. uetting
out of beu was a challenge. As I iose to the scheuule of
the uay, coffee got me staiteu. Thoughts of change, pain,
loss, anu angei gieeteu me. Phone calls fiom family
membeis that uemanueu my attention came anu went
thioughout the uays. Noimal ioutines anu ielationships
anu iesponsibilities neeueu to be tenueu to, amiust the
inteiiuptions of thoughts, calls anu ieminueis. Physical
eneigy was uepleteu anu concentiation on the task at
hanu was almost impossible. Walking aiounu, going
thiough the motions, ciying anu feeling uistant became
the noim.
Bepiession was setting in.
I was expeiiencing uepiession at the same time my
mothei was, anu my siblings weie, anu at the same time
the gianuchiluien weie. We weie going thiough
biochemical changes as we inteinalizeu oui loss. The
loss was felt at many levels. We hau lost the physical
piesence of a loveu one in oui paient's home. We lost
the suppoit anu family tiust we once hau. The secuiity
we once knew was gone. Routines woulu nevei be the
same. Bau woulu nevei come to the uooi anu gieet us
again at the house my paients hau once shaieu. Favoiite
foous oi tiauitions we hau with oui fathei anu
gianufathei now weie painful to expeiience.
Physically, I uiu a lot of ciying. Sometimes it woulu be
the fiist anu last thing I iemembeieu upon waking up oi
falling asleep. I woulu obseive an oluei couple walking
uown the stieet, anu I woulu begin ciying. I hau a
physical pain in my chest at times. Anu my eneigy level
anu moous weie extiemely low, iegaiuless of the
ciicumstances in my eveiyuay life. I was unable to sleep
sounuly, often getting just a few houis of sleep a night.
Eating became functional. It was not enjoyable, anu the
taste of foou uiun't paiticulaily give any pleasuie, as it
hau befoie. Physically, uepiession was taking a toll.
Emotionally, I began to withuiaw fiom fiienus anu
activities. Withuiawal fiom otheis began to be my
piefeience, since it was uifficult foi me to enjoy noimal
conveisation about noimal things, anu my low inteiest
in piioi hobbies anu activities maue me feel like I was
biinging my fiienus "uown" when they weie with me.
Emotionally, uepiession was affecting ielationships.
Nentally, I hau many pessimistic thoughts anu hau little
hope of a full anu goou futuie. I woulu just sit anu staie
out of the winuow, not even iealizing that houis hau
passeu. Concentiation on one thing foi any length of
time exhausteu me. Nentally, uepiession was changing
my peisonality.
Spiiitually, I began to feel fai fiom uou. Ny Chiistian
faith hau always been something that gave me stiength
anu peispective. Now I felt uefeateu in un-foigiveness,
anu I uoubteu uou's goouness. I coulun't piay. Woius
woulun't come. Songs about uou being my fathei causeu
me to leave chuich seivices in teais. Spiiitually,
uepiession was making me lose faith.
I knew that I neeueu help. uetting help foi a pioblem is
a sign of stiength, not of weakness. I hau leaineu that in
othei situations in my life, so I began to auuiess the
emotional anu spiiitual issues fiist. I ieau lots of books
(which I have listeu in the appenuix). I maue counseling
appointments with my pastoi, anu attenueu a suppoit
gioup calleu Bivoice Caie. I was finuing help, but I still
neeueu moie guiuance anu peisonal theiapy, so I saw a
tiaineu counseloi. Each session was uifficult, anu I ciieu
my way thiough many meetings with hei. Bei wisuom
anu patience anu insight pioviueu amazing ielief anu
claiity foi me.
I iealizeu that I neeueu to woik on giving myself new
mental stimuli. I was getting "stuck" mentally while
tiying to piocess so much, anu I wanteu something new
to think about, so I took a potteiy class, just foi fun! Ny
potteiy thiowing skills left much to be uesiieu, but just
leaining to think about a new subject gave me
something to look foiwaiu to.
Walking pioviueu a way foi me to balance my anxious
eneigy at times. A goou thiee-mile walk, whethei
bunuleu up in snow clothes, oi in shoits anu a t-shiit,
helpeu me to calm myself bettei in the evening anu
pioviueu my bouy with someplace to go with all my
stiess. Taking an antiuepiessant meuication
ieplenisheu the chemicals I hau lost as I giieveu.
Aftei about thiee yeais (I know it sounus like such a
long time) I iealizeu that all the paits of my life seemeu
healthiei anu in balance than when I fiist began to
piocess my loss. The goal when uealing with uepiession
is not to necessaiily fix the pioblem oi eliminate issues
of conflict. The object is insteau to begin healing at a
soul-level. We cannot be iesponsible foi otheis, but we
can take oui own thoughts anu behaviois anu mouify
them, one step at a time. }ust uo what you can uo foi
now, anu in time, youi uepiession will feel anu look
uiffeient in youi life!
M+&4 6&' -). ?)N
K.'*/'(+::;L
! Finu a suppoit gioup, a counseloi, vaiious
fiienus oi a pastoi.
! uive youiself some slack. Lessen uemanus on
youiself anu otheis.
! Finu something to laugh about anu get youi
minu off of the pain.
M@/2/*1+::;L
! Exploie youi beliefs anu values.
! Piay alone anu with otheis.
! Belp otheis with a neeu they may have.
! Leain about foigiveness.
=%(*+::;L
! Tiy to encouiage positive thoughts; wiite them
uown if you neeu to!
! Nake a plan oi a list foi youi uay so you can
accomplish something.
! Think thiough challenging conveisations aheau
of time.
! Tiy a new hobby oi activity foi fun.
D8;)/?+::;L
! Exeicise.
! Eat healthy.
! Pay attention to sleep patteins anu tiy to get
goou sleep.
! Talk to youi uoctoi about youi uepiession anu
consiuei meuication.
O).'(&05":
Foi me, pait of uealing with uepiession anu woiking
towaiu a healthy peisonal life, amiust the piofounu
change in my family, was iecognizing the neeu foi anu
the establishment of my own new bounuaiies. The
neeu foi self-piotection anu pieseivation hau not been
as eviuent befoie my paients' uivoice. Theie was a
fieeuom anu secuiity in family ielationships anu
inteiactions. What was saiu was believeu to be tiue.
What was ueciueu upon was uone in joint effoit, with
eveiyone's input. We hau ceitain ioles anu inteiactions
that weie familiai.
As soon as I ieceiveu the pivotal phone call, ioles began
to change. Conveisations weie less comfoitable anu
canuiu. Well-meaning fiienus anu ielatives' questions
seemeu unwelcome. Eveiything was changing. As an
auult chilu of uivoice, my paients woulu not be taking it
upon themselves to shielu me fiom the uetails of the
affaii anu the complications of uivoice. Insteau, as an
auult, I was now in the miuule of two paients. They
both hau siues of the stoiy. They both hau ielationships
with me, anu now they contacteu me sepaiately anu
tiieu to gain my allegiance. The neeu foi self-piotection
anu cieating emotional anu mental secuiity foi me was
becoming appaient. Foimei bounuaiies that hau been
in place just uiun't woik anymoie. I neeueu to set my
own, new, cleai, healthy bounuaiies.
Auult chiluien of uivoice finu that it is almost
impossible to not take a "siue".
0ne paient may neeu moie help than the othei in
cooking foi themselves oi paying bills. They may have
financial issues they uiun't have befoie theii uivoice oi
a physical neeu no longei met by the spouse who has
left. It is natuial that the paient woulu seek help fiom
an auult chilu oi chiluien, anu it is natuial that an auult
chilu woulu want to be theie foi a paient oi both
paients.
Nany auult chiluien heai negative talk about the othei
paient, anu continue to heai lies fiom one oi both
paients. These auult chiluien of uivoice feel guilt anu
aie toin in a situation wheie they feel they can't win.
Nany auult chiluien of uivoiceu paients finu that
bounuaiies oi uistance oi even cutting off contact is the
best choice to iemain peisonally healthy. It is
exciuciating, but ciucial to ueciue what you can anu
can't uo, anu what you will anu won't uo.
This is a uelicate balance between what is goou foi you,
goou foi each paient anu goou foi those aiounu you. It
is a balance between giace (kinuness extenueu) anu
meicy (not giving what is ueseiveu). It is a time to
assess (what is tiue at the time) anu not juuge (give a
final veiuict with no chance foi change). You may
choose to suppoit one paient moie than the othei
baseu on what is iight.
M+&4 6&' -). ?)N
5INOCL
! Agiee to listen to oi agiee with eveiything. Leain
to say N0 anu "enough is enough". Nonitoi anu
guaiu what goes in anu out of youi minu.

! Take all the initiative foi the ielationship anu
communication. It is 0K to wait to see how each
paient appioaches you.

! Be afiaiu to close the uooi, oi leave it ciackeu
open, but tiy to keep the welcome mat out if you
feel it is safe to uo so.

! Become youi paient's counseloi. Encouiage
them to get help fiom otheis.
5IL
! Keep contact as you aie able, but some uistance
is not bau. It can be helpful.

! Speak up against things that aie wiong oi
huitful. If abuse oi violence is occuiiing at the
hanus of one paient, you neeu to inteivene. Anu
if theie is uangei to you oi youi chiluien, you
may neeu to be moie caieful with inteiactions oi
enu them.

! uathei youi siblings if they agiee; ueciue how to
appioach paients in a uniteu way.

! uive iespect to each paient as a human being.
Be kinu, but fiim.
*05&'=#":
Auult chiluien of uivoice often finu themselves in the
miuule. They often aie in the miuule of two paients
they love oi have loveu. They aie often in the miuule of
siblings who feel vaiious things at uiffeient times anu
aie moving in anu out of theii own stages of giief
alongsiue each othei. They can finu themselves
sanuwicheu between othei ielatives anu fiienus as
conveisations aie playeu out in fiont of them. As an
auult chilu of uivoice, have you evei heaiu statements
like the following.
"Can you finu out fiom Y00R mothei what I am
supposeu to uo about XYZ, because she won't talk to
me." 0R "What in the woilu uiu Y00R fathei mean by
that ...now uo you see what I have hau to ueal with all
these yeais." 0R "Bon't tell uau that I talkeu to mom,
he woulu be fuiious, but I still want to know how she's
uoing even though she left him".
The statements aie fictional, but it uiun't take me long
to think of them. We all, whethei we aie AC0Bs oi not,
have been in situations like this wheie we have saiu
something similai oi aie listening to a statement that is
loaueu with emotion anu stiess like the ones above.
Theie is a conflict between two people that we know,
anu it is not being auuiesseu by the two inuiviuuals
with whom the pioblem exists. We aie being uiawn into
the situation to help ieuuce the tension. We think we
aie listening, but befoie we know it, we aie pait of the
tiiangle that has been constiucteu by one of the people
(oi maybe both) who is in conflict.
Tiiangles exist on many levels automatically anu
subconsciously in oui eveiyuay lives, anu we shoulu
leain to iecognize them. They become veiy unhealthy
when they become ingiaineu in the ielationships,
inhibiting ieal giowth oi iesolution between the two
people who have the oiiginal pioblem.
&%2% +2% )'.% %P+.@:%)L
When mom wants uau to give hei something back that
he took when he left, she often will ask hei son to tell
uau that she wants it back, oi woise, she may ask hei
son to get it fiom him. The mothei is pulling oi
tiiangulating hei son into the ielationship to help
stabilize the situation, but the pioblem is not solveu.
-('*8%2 %P+.@:% .+; A%L
Youi biothei tells you that he agieeu to meet with youi
fathei's new giilfiienu, anu he likes hei, but he tells you
not to tell youi mothei, because he uoesn't want hei to
know anu thinks she will be mau. Youi biothei is
enmeshing oi tiiangulating you into the stiessful
ielationship with youi mothei, but the intensity of the
pioblem is only lesseneu foi him, not uealt with.
Befoie I go on to uesciibe what we can uo about this, let
me say that most of us uon't even know we aie uoing
this, anu we uon't have any ill motives. We just simply
have not leaineu how to ueal with conflict in a healthy
mannei. We uon't know what else to uo. It is not easy oi
natuial to stay out of othei people's conflicts oi to
ueteimine to keep otheis out of oui own anu to hanule
each uisagieement with the one who is most uiiectly
involveu. We often uo not iealize that oui behavioi is
actually pieventing conflicts fiom being iesolveu anu
healthy intimacy fiom being iealizeu.
M+&4 6&' -). ?)N
78%( 0'1 C+:>L
! If you aie angiy with a peison, put youi eneigy
uiiectly into uealing with him.

! Bon't use a chilu oi a chiluish auult as a
confiuant.

! Bon't ask otheis, uiiectly oi inuiiectly, to take
youi siue oi to blame otheis.
78%( 0'1 Q/)*%(L
! Evaluate whethei it is gossip oi not (it may be
gossip if you aie not pait of the pioblem oi pait
of the solution).

! Be awaie if the othei peison is meiely shaiing
theii feelings anu huits, oi if they aie tiying to
uiaw oi pull you into theii conflict with the othei
peison in some way.

! Know the uiffeience between piivacy anu
seciecy anu uon't allow youiself to be tolu
something that you woulu iathei not know oi tiy
to keep a seciet
<6 0'1 -2% <( + C2/+(3:% +(, 7+(* C' H%* I1*L
! STAY CALN: Bow you say things is as impoitant
as what you say.

! uET 00T: uently suggest that you want to
change the way you ielate at piesent.

! STAY IN: Stay involveu emotionally by showing
you caie in othei ways oi listen caiefully, oi
suggest they talk with otheis as well.
M+&4 6&' -). B&CN

"I value my ielationship with both of you. So, I woulu
iathei not be in the miuule."

"I think it woulu be moie helpful if you talkeu to hei
about youi feelings, iathei than me"

"I want to listen, but I feel uncomfoitable when you tell
me such piivate uetails"

"Since we can't change him, let's think about how you
might have hanuleu this situation."

"I uon't feel auequate to give you auvice on this, but I'u
be happy to help you look foi a piofessional with whom
to talk."
6+&$4"0 @8 <22"$4&'2"
In the fall a few yeais ago, I began my foimal counseling
to ueal with the issues of being a new chilu of uivoice as
a miuule-ageu auult. I iemembei being veiy neivous
befoie I fiist met with my counseloi. I was tiying to
keep my minu busy that uay anu ueciueu to plant some
tulip bulbs. The piocess was moie uifficult than I
thought it woulu be, but I woikeu at uigging a hole,
positioning the bulbs coiiectly, applying powuei that
woulu uetei squiiiels, anu mulching to pieseive
nutiients. I was almost late foi my fiist counseling
session because the piocess took me longei than I
thought!! The tulip bulbs weie hiuuen in the colu, uaik
giounu, anu all wintei I wonueieu if anything was
happening. I wonueieu if theie woulu be giowth one
uay.
The following spiing, the sunshine anu the iain beat
uown on the giounu in my fiont yaiu. Ny counseling
sessions hau taken up much of the wintei, anu they
weie coming to an enu. I hau been talking about my
pain anu loss. I was leaining to ueal with my angei in
moie healthy ways. Baigaining hau enueu anu facing
uepiession hau begun. I ieflecteu on this as I heaueu out
to my last counseling session. Befoie I left, I went into
the yaiu to check on the aiea wheie I hau planteu the
tulip bulbs, anu I saw giowth!!! Theie was a small,
gieen stem poking up, peeking out fiom the spot wheie
I hau planteu it months befoie!!! What a gift to my
iecoveiing soul!! With time, anu the iight amount of
piotection anu nuituie, giowth occuiieu. I was leaining
it is the same with us!!
The new insight anu peispective I hau gaineu offeieu
me a sense of acceptance of my new ioles, issues anu
huits. Insteau of a bittei acceptance, oi one that was
apathetic, I saw my cuiient anu futuie challenges foi
what they weie. Acceptance was beginning to occui.
In his book, When uou Inteiiupts, N. Ciaig Baines
states, "Receive youi life anu leave behinu the illusion".
I was beginning to look at touay anu the ieality of what
my family lookeu like now, anu it felt 0K. I wanteu to
holu on to what hau been, but that wasn't ieality
anymoie, anu it hau maybe been an illusion at times
anyway. I began to accept what was anu wasn't tiue of
my situation at the moment.
I was leaining to accept my past. Some memoiies aie
still goou. Some aie clouueu anu foggy as I iealize
ieality was not as I saw it. Family pictuies oi heiilooms
that once helu fonu thoughts now biing a bitteisweet
taste. uetting iiu of them oi not looking at them is a way
of accepting the past anu my peiception of it.
I was leaining to accept my piesent. All of the
ielationships in my family aie not the way they weie,
noi the way I woulu like them to be. Boliuays anu family
gatheiings aie not always something I look foiwaiu to
as much anymoie. I am always wonueiing what the next
issue will be that I have to ueal with conceining the
bieakuown of my family ties. I have to accept that theie
is a new ieality foi all of us.
I am leaining to accept my futuie. Times of celebiation
oi giief may not give me the suppoit I neeu oi thought I
woulu have fiom my family membeis. The legacy my
family is iemembeieu foi may be uiffeient than I hau
thought. Family togetheiness may nevei be expeiienceu
in the same way evei again, although ielationships may
iemain in a sepaiate mannei. Things may get woise;
things may get bettei. Ny pastoi wisely ieminueu me
that "the last chaptei has not been wiitten".
Expectations have become moie tempeieu anu iealistic.
Acceptance is a piocess that takes time as we leain to
aujust to each pait of change anu each season of oui
lives. We wait anu leain anu giow anu go in anu out of
all the stages of giief ovei anu ovei again. With time, the
intensity of the emotions anu the length we stay in each
stage changes. Soon we know we aie accepting oui
paients' uivoice anu the piofounu change it has maue in
oui lives anu those aiounu us. Acceptance helps auult
chiluien of uivoice to cope, to accept iesponsibility foi
oui own actions anu to move aheau, with healthy
bounuaiies that contiibute to oui own sense of well-
being anu self-contiol.

&'R 5' 0'1 S('R 0'1 -2%
$%3/((/(3 C' -??%@* C8/(3)T
! You iemembei how mom smileu anu laugheu
when you ieminisceu about the past.

! You have a time wheie you iealize, "I can't fix
this", anu it is 0K.

! You aie able to pick out a biithuay caiu foi youi
paient without becoming angiy oi bawling in the
caiu aisle.

! When you aie askeu at a social gatheiing how
youi paients aie, insteau of ciying anu unloauing
on the unknowing peison who askeu, you simply
explain that youi paients uivoiceu iecently, with
a sense of stiength anu claiity.
G)0=5Q"'"::
In oiuei to accept the things we cannot change anu
move aheau, a lot of us exploie the concept of
foigiveness. As I have ieau othei auult chiluien's
expeiiences, anu as I have jouineyeu thiough the past
yeais myself as an AC0B, the topic of foigiveness often
comes up. It is often in an effoit to iemove the
iesentment fiom oui lives anu loosen the powei of the
situation anu the one who has huit us.
The following points aie influenceu by many, many
things I have ieau that attempt to claiify what
foigiveness looks like. 0ne of the best souices of insight
foi me was an aiticle entitleu Foigiveness: Cleaiing up
Common Nisconceptions, by Lauia Petheibiiuge, which
I will use as a guiue to the points below.
Foigiveness acknowleuges that you weie huit - it is 0K
to aumit that someone betiayeu you oi causeu loss in
youi life.
Foigiveness is an act that may not be initiateu uue to
feelings - if we wait until we feel like foigiving, we
piobably nevei will.
Foigiveness says that theie is a wionguoei anu theie is
a uebt to you - if the peison uiun't uo anything huitful,
theie woulun't be a neeu to foigive. To foigive uoesn't
make what the peison uiu to you 0K; it just ieleases
them fiom owing you anu lets go of bitteiness insiue
you.
Foigiveness can still allow foi a peison to be
accountable - it is loving to holu people accountable. It
iequiies authenticity anu can leau to iepentance anu a
bettei ielationship.
Foigiveness can mean that the ielationship is uiffeient
because of the piesent level of mistiust - Reuefining the
ielationship anu tiusting again takes time anu uepenus
on whethei theii actions waiiant the gaining of tiust
again.
As you leain to foigive, you may neeu to uo it ovei anu
ovei again. New offenses may occui, oi memoiies may
spui feelings of wanting to get even with people who
aie iesponsible foi choices that enueu youi paients'
maiiiage. I often think I have foigiven, only to feel
seveie angei iise in an inteiaction with an offenuing
paity. I have leaineu to ask anothei question. What
uoes foigiveness feel like.

! It feels like ieal love, wheie the peison's goou is
of highest concein.


! It feels like theie is hope foi change. The actions
may be juugeu as wiong, anu theie may be
consequences, but the peison is not conuemneu.


! It feels like fieeuom in 00R spiiit.


! It feels like letting go of oui bitteiness anu oui
uemanu foi justice.
6.#4.0&# 6+&'=":
I often felt veiy much alone as an auult chilu of uivoice.
Nany people woulu liken my expeiience to that of
themselves oi of someone they knew whose paients
hau uivoiceu when the chiluien weie young. I knew the
magnituue of uiffeiences anu extia buiuens, but I uiu
not have anyone who unueistoou. Family membeis anu
fiienus listeneu anu listeneu anu tiieu to feel my
feelings anu think my thoughts, but I neeueu to finu
someone who shaieu my expeiiences.
While seaiching the inteinet one uay, I uiscoveieu a
blog by a woman in hei twenties. Finally, I hau founu
someone who hau the same feelings I uiu. She was in
pain. She felt angei anu was stiuggling with an
upcoming holiuay gatheiing. Bepiession was getting the
best of hei, too!! She was tiying to accept a new noimal.
Reauing hei blog gave me anothei piece of the puzzle in
my healing. I now knew I was not alone.
As my healing was piogiessing, I was also becoming
awaie of couples my age, in miu-life, who weie
uivoicing anu leaving behinu theii twenty-something
auult chiluien. We all weie not alone. Sauly, the
statistics show that late-life uivoice is on the iise.
"Since 199u, the uivoice iate has uoubleu among
peisons ages Su anu oluei. 0ne-quaitei of those who
uivoiceu in 2uu9 weie ages Su anu oluei. Futuie
ieseaich shoulu auuiess the pieuictois anu
consequences of uivoice that occuis uuiing miuule anu
oluei auulthoou. As the 0.S. population ages, the
numbei of peisons ages Su anu oluei that expeiience
uivoice will continue to climb by one-thiiu, even if the
uivoice iate iemains unchangeu. The iise in uivoice
among miuule-ageu anu oluei auults is not only likely to
shape the health anu well-being of those who
expeiience it uiiectly, but also to have iamifications foi
the well-being of family membeis (e.g., chiluien anu
gianuchiluien) anu intensify the uemanus placeu on the
bioauei institutional suppoit systems available to
miuule-ageu anu oluei auults."
1

Also, uoou Noining Ameiica uiu a segment back in }uly
2u1u calleu, "Is Bivoice Contagious." }ames Fowlei (a
piofessoi at the 0niveisity of Califoinia San
Biego) seems to think that uivoice spieaus like a viius.
The statistics aie veiy high that if a sibling (oi especially
a fiienu) uivoices, you have a gieatei likelihoou to
uivoice as well. Watching someone in an unhappy
maiiiage finu peiceiveu happiness pushes otheis to
think anu act in similai fashion. Latei life uivoice uoes
not seem to be going away any time soon.
When I began to iealize that this phenomenon was
giowing, anu I was not alone, anu that otheis weie
looking foi answeis anu ways to woik thiough giief anu
healing, I began a blog of my own. I wanteu to vent anu
tell my stoiy, but I wanteu people looking foi help anu
hope to finu a bit of it, just as I hau. I hau the iesouices
of books, uivoice suppoit gioups, fiienus, faith, pastois,
anu counselois. But I knew otheis uiu not have the
iesouices that I hau. The blog anu this book aie my
humble contiibution to helping auult chiluien of
uivoice know they aie not alone anu that they can finu
the help anu hope foi which they aie looking.
It will be peitinent in yeais to come to help people of all
ages, especially those maiiieu foi a long time, to have a
ieality check. Long maiiiages neeu to be tenueu to anu
evaluateu iegulaily. If you woik in the aiea of
counseling oi conflict iesolution, oi spiiitual guiuance,
you may neeu to keep the neeus of oluei people in minu
as you uo youi woik anu not foiget that they may neeu
maiiiage seminais oi suggestions that ielate to theii
stage in life anu theii unique challenges.
Those who woik in the aiea of oui legal system as it
ielates to uivoice may think of how they will auvise
oluei people who come to them seeking legal help. Will
you suggest a uoctoi's visit, just in case theie is
something else going on.. Will you suggest counseling
befoie the papeis aie uiawn up. What will you suggest
foi all family membeis.
If you woik in the financial segment of oui population,
will you help couples be awaie that uivoice latei in life
is a possibility. Will the neeus that oluei people have be
consiueieu when helping a uivoicing couple.
Those who woik with meuical issues in oui oluei
population woulu be wise to aumit that many meuical
issues contiibute to uepiession anu anxiety. Will you
suggest to youi patient that unhappiness in oluei life
may neeu to be auuiesseu meuically.
Wheievei we woik oi live oui lives, we neeu to iealize
that oluei auults have maiiiage issues just like youngei
people, anu we neeu to iealize that maybe we can make
a uiffeience as we ielate to the oluei auults in oui lives
anu piofessions. We neeu to continue this uiscussion
even if it is uifficult. We aie not alone, anu oui stoiies
ieflect otheis stoiies, as auult chiluien of uivoice.
Let's keep talking, piaying anu hoping that many late
life uivoices can be avoiueu. Anu foi the ones that
occui, may we keep talking, anu piaying anu hoping
that they can be hanuleu as best as possible, foi the sake
of the paients, foi the auult chiluien anu gianuchiluien,
anu foi eveiyone affecteu.
6+&$4"0 A8 B"0"'54C
I have always been intiigueu by the woiu seienity since
I met someone yeais ago, who nameu theii little baby
Seienity aftei a long anu uifficult piegnancy. I lookeu up
the meaning of the woiu at the time anu iemembeieu
the significance of that woiu anu name. Yeais latei I ian
acioss the fiist pait of the Seienity Piayei, anu I loveu
the simple wisuom in the fiist few lines. When my
jouiney as an AC0B began, I ian acioss that piayei anu
was immeuiately uiawn once again. The iemainuei of
the poem became an unexpecteu finu, anu the
woius weie soliuifieu in my heait anu minu. When
ueciuing to wiite a blog, the name Seienity seemeu
peifect.
Not only uiu the name Seienity convey wheie I woulu
like to be one uay in my attituues that accompany being
a chilu of uivoice, but the concept of piayei fit well as I
began my blog. I hau helu to a stiong belief anu spiiitual
expeiience with the uou iepiesenteu by Chiistianity foi
many, many yeais. Although my faith anu tiaining anu
past tiust in uou gave me confiuence in something anu
Someone gieatei than myself anu my situation, nothing
in my life hau testeu this as gieatly as my paients'
uivoice. Ny fathei's affaii anu his leaving my mothei
anu subsequently, the family, challengeu my iuea of
Fathei. I began to question the tiustwoithiness of my
Beavenly Fathei.
I hau been spiiitually ieboin many yeais ago aftei
iealizing my neeu foi a savioi. I hau askeu uou to be
ieal to me to teach me anu guiue me anu to accept me,
not on my own meiits, but because of what }esus hau
uone foi me as he took my place on the cioss. In this, I
became a uaughtei of uou. In the afteimath of my
fathei leaving oui family, the Fathei-hoou of uou took
on new anu piecious meaning!! Aftei five long yeais, I
can say that I am still convinceu that uou is just, loving
anu tiue. Bis chaiactei gives me something that
tianscenus life's haiuships anu helps me iealize that
often theie is moie going on in my "stoiy" than what I
peiceive.
0ui sense of tiue innei seienity oi peace comes when
we iealize intellectually anu spiiitually, in the uepths of
oui souls, that genuine secuiity, belonging, anu
connecteuness, comes not fiom the outwaiu
ciicumstances in which we finu ouiselves, noi fiom the
impeifect people aiounu us (incluuing ouiselves).
These things aie subject to change, anu they aie
tempoial. Someone oi something that is not uictateu by
the same limits we succumb to in oui eaithly
existence can offei us tiue seienity in this life
anu genuine peace in the next.
The woiu Seienity means, "the state of being calm oi
tianquil", anu some synonyms aie "peace" anu
"composuie". Accoiuing to The Seienity Piayei, it is
something uou giants us. It is something that is coupleu
with wisuom to help us iise above oui ciicumstances in
attituue anu peispective. That is what I want to be
moving towaiu in my jouiney as an auult chilu of
uivoice. I piay that youi pathway of the haiuship of
youi paients' uivoice will leau you to a ueepei sense of
tiue hope anu help anu peace as you walk thiough the
stages of giief.
*+" B"0"'54C /0&C"0
The Seienity piayei causes us to seek the wisuom of
uisceinment in ciicumstances anu time. We have touay.
Anu we have the futuie. Touay we plan activity anu
puipose, look foi blessings anu suiienuei oui will to
uou's. In the futuie, we look foi peace anu tiue joy!

M%2%(/*; D2+;%2
uou giant me the seienity
to accept the things I cannot change;
couiage to change the things I can;
anu wisuom to know the uiffeience.
Living one uay at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting haiuships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as Be uiu, this sinful woilu
as it is, not as I woulu have it;
Tiusting that Be will make all things iight
if I suiienuei to Bis Will;
That I may be ieasonably happy in this life
anu supiemely happy with Bim
Foievei in the next.
Amen.
! #$%&'()* +%$,-'.
*+" B"0"'54C /0&C"0 1)0
<(.#4 6+5#(0"' )1 ?5Q)02"
uou giant us auult chiluien of uivoice the seienity to
accept that things won't be the same in oui families;
couiage to change things foi the best when we can; anu
wisuom to know what is up to us, anu what isn't.
Living one uay at a time; anu hanuling one situation that
aiises at a time; Enjoying goou past memoiies anu
enjoying each piesent moment as much as we aie able,
as we ultimately look to the futuie. Accepting haiuships
as the pathway to peace; Tiying to live as Be uiu in this
sinful woilu, accepting it as it is anu not as we wish it
weie.
Tiusting that Be will make all things iight in oui innei
spiiits anu in the last chaptei of oui stoiy, if we
suiienuei to Bis Will; that we may be ieasonably
content in this life anu supiemely whole anu in
communion with uou foievei in the next. Amen.
B"0"'54C /0&C"0 M)0,:+""4
List the things you can influence, cannot influence anu
the things only uou can uo, to achieve wisuom wheie
you neeu couiage oi seienity in the challenges befoie
you.

<6* R What I can influence:





<66S/* R What I cannot influence:





<O?36<*S R What only uou can influence:



6)'2#.:5)'
It has been ovei five yeais since I ieceiveu the phone
call that staiteu my jouiney as an auult chilu of uivoice.
I felt alone. Bealing with the stages of giief gave me
piactical ways to look at anu woik on the multituue of
issues I was facing. Books taught me. Counselois
auviseu me. Pastois gave spiiitual insight. uou
comfoiteu me, anu sciiptuie pioviueu instiuction.
Fiienus anu ielatives calleu to see how I was uoing.
They maue me pie, ciieu with me, piayeu with anu foi
me, stoou in my uooiway anu huggeu me. Ny husbanu
listeneu incessantly anu huit with me. Ny sons tieateu
me with compassion.
Touay, all family ielationships aie not fixeu, anu issues
continue to aiise. But I uon't feel alone anymoie. I have
founu help, anu I have founu hope.
I ieceive emails occasionally fiom people who aie on
the same jouiney. 0ne has become a ueai fiienu. She
knows she is not alone. She is facing hei giief with gieat
faith anu stiength anu uignity. Last week, I ieceiveu an
email fiom a uiffeient woman who is just beginning to
face how hei paients' uivoice has affecteu hei. She
knows she is not alone anu is finuing couiage to hanule
hei uepiession. Those of us who have been walking the
ioau of giief uue to oui paients' uivoice can help each
othei. Those who have not expeiienceu a paients'
uivoice can listen to, ciy with, anu uiiect us to
counselois, pastois anu uou. The ioau is long, iough
anu unceitain, but theie is hope anu help along the way
foi auult chiluien of uivoice.



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1
As a ueei longs foi stieams of watei, so I long foi You,
uou.
2
I thiist foi uou, the living uou. When can I come
anu appeai befoie uou.
S
Ny teais have been my foou
uay anu night, while all uay long people say to me,
"Wheie is youi uou."
4
I iemembei this as I poui out my
heait: how I walkeu with many, leauing the festive
piocession to the house of uou, with joyful anu thankful
shouts.
S
Why am I so uepiesseu. Why this tuimoil
within me.**
6
I am ueeply uepiesseu; theiefoie I
iemembei You fiom the lanu of }oiuan anu the peaks of
Beimon, fiom Nount Nizai.
7
Beep calls to ueep in the
ioai of Youi wateifalls; all Youi bieakeis anu Youi
billows have swept ovei me.**
9
I will say to uou, my iock, "Why have You foigotten
me. Why must I go about in soiiow because of the
enemy's oppiession."
1u
Ny auveisaiies taunt me, as if
ciushing my bones, while all uay long they say to me,
"Wheie is youi uou."
11
Why am I so uepiesseu. Why
this tuimoil within me.**
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**
Sb
Put youi hope in uou, foi I will still piaise Bim, my
Savioi anu my uou.
**
8
The L0RB will senu Bis faithful love by uay; Bis song
will be with me in the night - a piayei to the uou of my
life.
**
11b
Put youi hope in uou, foi I will still piaise Bim, my
Savioi anu my uou.
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D)+:.) ELE
In youi angei, uo not sin. When you aie on youi beus,
seaich youi heaits anu be silent.

K@8%)/+() EL4GAF 4W+
When you lie to each othei, you enu up lying to youiself.
uo aheau anu be angiy. You uo well to be angiy - but
uon't use youi angei as a fuel foi ievenge. Anu uon't
stay angiy.
9'.+() !4L!X
Bon't insist on getting even; that's not foi you to uo.

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Q1>% WL4YZ4X [N<\]
27
But to you who aie listening I say: Love youi enemies,
uo goou to those who hate you,
28
bless those who cuise
you, piay foi those who mistieat you.
Q1>% !YLBZE [N<\]
S
So watch youiselves. If youi biothei oi sistei sins
against you, iebuke them; anu if they iepent, foigive
them.
4
Even if they sin against you seven times in a uay
anu seven times come back to you saying 'I iepent,' you
must foigive them.
=+**8%R WL!EZ!G [N<\]
14
Foi if you foigive othei people when they sin against
you, youi heavenly Fathei will also foigive you.
1S
But if
you uo not foigive otheis theii sins, youi Fathei will not
foigive youi sins.
=+**8%R !XLB4 [N<\]
S2
Then the mastei calleu the seivant in. 'You wickeu
seivant,' he saiu, 'I canceleu all that uebt of youis
because you beggeu me to.'
9'.+() !4L!^Z4! [N<\]
19
Bo not take ievenge, my ueai fiienus, but leave ioom
foi uou's wiath, foi it is wiitten: "It is mine to avenge; I
will iepay," says the Loiu.
2u
0n the contiaiy: "If youi
enemy is hungiy, feeu him; if he is thiisty, give him
something to uiink. In uoing this, you will heap buining
coals on his heau."
21
Bo not be oveicome by evil, but
oveicome evil with goou.
LEE$5;8&E$6
K??:%)/+)*%) BL!Z!E [N<\]
1
Theie is a time foi eveiything, anu a season foi eveiy
activity unuei the heavens:
2
a time to be boin anu a
time to uie, a time to plant anu a time to upioot,
S
a time
to kill anu a time to heal, a time to teai uown anu a time
to builu,
4
a time to weep anu a time to laugh, a time to
mouin anu a time to uance,
S
a time to scattei stones anu
a time to gathei them, a time to embiace anu a time to
iefiain fiom embiacing,
6
a time to seaich anu a time to
give up, a time to keep anu a time to thiow away,
7
a
time to teai anu a time to menu, a time to be silent anu a
time to speak,
8
a time to love anu a time to hate, a time
foi wai anu a time foi peace.
9
What uo woikeis gain
fiom theii toil.
1u
I have seen the buiuen uou has laiu on
the human iace.
11
Be has maue eveiything beautiful in
its time. Be has also set eteinity in the human heait; yet
no one can fathom what uou has uone fiom beginning
to enu.
12
I know that theie is nothing bettei foi people
than to be happy anu to uo goou while they live.
1S
That
each of them may eat anu uiink, anu finu satisfaction in
all theii toil - this is the gift of uou.

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D8/:/@@/+() ELW [N<\]
Bo not be anxious about anything, but in eveiy
situation, by piayei anu petition, with thanksgiving,
piesent youi iequests to uou.

4 C/.'*8; !LY [NS_\]
Foi uou has not given us a spiiit of feai, but of powei
anu of love anu of a sounu minu.
Q1>% !LYXF Y^
Because of the tenuei meicy of oui uou, by which the
iising sun will come to us fiom heaven (}esus) to shine
on those living in uaikness anu in the shauow of ueath,
to guiue oui feet into the path of peace.
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/"0:)'&# I"1#"245)' U.":45)': 1)0 B5'=#":8
What have you seen in otheis maiiiages that you uon't
want to emulate.
What have you seen in otheis maiiiages that you want
to emulate.
Finu a couple to mentoi you if you see goou things in
theii ielationship.
Bave you let the feai of a faileu ielationship in the
futuie holu you back fiom emotional intimacy now.
If yes, how can you ( anu boyfiienugiilfiienu) giow in
aieas of communication anu tiust.
Consiuei the attituue that if a ielationship isn't easy anu
uoesn't feel iomantic anymoie, that somehow the love
is gone anu things aie not meant to be. Sometimes this
is tiue in uating, but sometimes woithwhile things take
time anu effoit, as well. What else can you uo when a
ielationship is pioving to be challenging anu stale.
Bo you focus on the heie anu now in ielationships oi
uevelop long teim goals anu plans that aie biggei than
the ielationship you have with each othei, but incluue
how youi ielationship will impact people aiounu you.
/"0:)'&# I"1#"245)' U.":45)': 1)0 V&005"( /")$#"8
When the "going gets tough" uo you consiuei uivoice.
Can you insteau consiuei counseling. A maiiiage
seminai. Books. A maiiiage class.
Naybe consiuei a yeaily (oi moie often) maiiiage
check-up with a tiaineu counseloi. Fix the pioblems
while they aie still small anu manageable.
Bow uo you anu fiienus talk about youi spouse oi loss
of fieeuom aftei maiiiage. Bo you see the
iesponsibility of being in a maiiiage as a negative loss
of inuepenuence. Insteau cultuie fiienuships with
people who view maiiiage as a ueeply satisfying sense
of intei-uepenuence that is woith the effoit.
Bow much caution uo you have in uealing with
membeis of the opposite sex. Especially uuiing uiy
times in youi maiiiage aie you paiticulaily caieful. We
all can be vulneiable. If you finu youiself beginning to
stiay, iun to a tiusteu fiienu who can help you iun in
the opposite uiiection. Who uo you have in youi life
that you coulu tiust with that kinu of a temptation.
If you have chiluien ask youiself if you aie putting
enough effoit into nuituiing youi maiiiage, as well as
tenuing to the immeuiate, tiiing, uigent neeus of
chiluien. What can you uo to make time foi talking to
youi spouse. What can you uo to uo fun things
togethei. When the chiluien leave home, it will be the
two of you. Nake suie you still know each othei anu like
each othei as much as you can.