Help Your Child Make Friends

Experts agree that social skills are just as important to your childs future as the three Rs. But where do you start? BY G BR!E""E B #ER

By age se$en% &eremy "in was getting straight s in school 'ut failing socially. Rather than interact with other children% the Burlington youngster retreated 'ehind a 'ook. (hen adults other than relati$es talked to him% he answered in monosylla'les. &eremys mother% my% was upset 'ut not surprised. Young for his grade to 'egin with% &eremy skipped Grade )% increasing the age gap 'etween him and his peers. *e spent so much time alone that he got little practice talking to other people of any age. my wanted to help her son 'ut wondered how. +hould she dunk him in the deep end of the social pool,for instance% 'y sending him to camp,or let him get his toes wet at his own pace? +hould she limit his reading the way some parents limit tele$ision time? +hould she urge him to make play dates? +ocial competence is a skill we often take for granted. (e put our children in school so they can learn how to read% write and calculate. But we spend little time teaching them social skills% assuming this aspect of de$elopment just falls into place. Yet *ar$ard psychologist *oward Gardner lists -interpersonal. intelligence as one of eight 'asic human aptitudes. &ust as some children are naturally gifted in math% others are gifted at relating to people. t the other extreme are children who seem to lack social antennas alto/ gether. 0heyre the kids you find kicking a stone near the school/yard fence. 0he good news is that social competence can 'e impro$ed,and its an effort worth making. ccording to 1arion 2orath% a #ni$ersity of British 3olum'ia professor of educational psychology% studies ha$e linked social competence to academic achie$ement. +ocial aptitude can make or 'reak careers and relationships in the adult world% adds +hirley 4andersteen% past president of the 2sychologists ssociation of l'erta. -2oor social skills put you at a greater disad$antage than poor spelling%. she says.

*ow then can parents teach this fundamental life skill to their children? *ere are some pointers5

The Basics "ets start with the social skills were all expected to ha$e. +aying hello% please and thank you% and answering a 6uestion,all fall into this category% says 7athy "ynn% a 4ancou$er/'ased parent educator and radio/show host. -!f an adult asks a child how school is going% the child should 'e expected to answer politely% e$en if shes 'een asked the same 6uestion a do8en times 'efore%. says "ynn. nswering -fine. is accepta'le% 'ut 'arely% she adds. -You can suggest more suita'le alternati$es% such as 9! like math 'ut not :rench.. 3arole +now% a 0oronto schoolteacher and mother of three children% says one of her familys rules is that they must all greet e$ery $isitor to the house. -0hat includes repairmen and door/ to/door can$assers%. she says. - nd they ha$e to look the person in the eye.. nother 'asic5 how to shake hands. -2eople are judged on their handshake%. says "ynn. +he recommends showing your child how long and how firmly to shake a hand% and then practising together until the child gets it right. 0hen theres the art of speaking in turn. &an 2elletier% a professor at the #ni$ersity of 0orontos !nstitute of 3hild +tudy% says parents shouldnt presume this skill is instincti$e and should gi$e explicit instructions on how to do it. :or example5 -"istening means keeping your eyes on the speaker and your hands 6uiet. You can use sounds such as mm-hmm to show you understand or agree with what the speaker is saying. nd wait until the speaker is finished 'efore you start talking..

But...Shes So Shy

Team Spirit 0eam sports present an ideal setting in which to de$elop social skills like co/operation% compromise and leadership. But what if your child is just not interested? -Explore why the child is not interested. !f the child is good at sports 'ut is fearful that others will judge him% then encourage,'ut dont force ,the child to sign up%. ad$ises *amilton anxiety expert 1artin ntony. -0ake the pressure off 'y presenting the acti$ity as something to try% to see if the child might like it.. !f the first attempt doesnt work% try again with a different sport. Your child may surprise himself% as Burlington 'ookworm &eremy "in did when he tried soccer and lo$ed it. ?r your child may 'e misera'le. !f thats the case% dont push it. -0here are no hard/and/fast rules%. ntony says. ,G. B. !ts upsetting to watch your shy child stum'le socially% and you may feel compelled to do something a'out it. *eres what usually doesnt work% says 1artin ntony% director of the nxiety 0reatment and Research 3entre at +t. &osephs *ospital in *amilton and coauthor of The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook5 nagging% forcing the child to perform in high/ pressure situations% or exposing him to a potentially em'arrassing situation without warning. -#npredicta'le exposure can lead to an escalation of the social anxiety%. ntony says. "etting the shy child retreat from social interactions isnt the answer either. +ome parents% for instance% -will answer for their child in the doctors office% e$en though the doctor is posing the 6uestion to the child%. ntony says. -!f you allow the child to a$oid all anxiety/pro$oking situations% he wont get a chance to o$ercome the anxiety.. 0he 'est approach% says ntony% is the same type of -graduated exposure. that helps people o$ercome airplane or spider pho'ias. +uppose your son is afraid of talking to strangers. You might first ask him to show a toy to the -nice lady in the park. that you sometimes see> the next time you might encourage him to say a few words to her. -By proceeding in small% safe increments% the parent can help his child 'uild up to the hard stuff% such as speaking at a party full of strangers%. ntony says. lso helpful% says 2elletier% is teaching your child how to ease herself into a group at play. -?ne approach is to suggest a role for herself% such as 9!ll 'e the mommy%. 2elletier says. -!f the other kids say they already ha$e a mommy% she can suggest 'eing a 'ig sister or a taxi dri$er.. 0o a shy child% the !nternet may seem a dream come true,a chance to connect socially without the risk of rejection. But it can also delay the ac6uisition of true social confidence. 3arole +now limits her childrens after/school computer time to one hour. -0hen ! send them out to play with the neigh'ours kids. t least this way ! know theyre getting their 6uota of group play..

+hyness is 'y no means uncommon. Research shows that 'etween ;< and )= percent of 'a'ies are 'orn with an anxious temperament% and a'out three 6uarters of these grow up to 'e chronically shy. 0hats ;; to ;< percent of all children.

The

ntisocial Brain

The Power of Practice Before a piano performance% a child may practise his pieces for weeks. But we rarely gi$e children the opportunity to practise for 'ig social challenges% which can loom as large as a 3arnegie *all recital in their minds.

+ometimes social ineptitude may reflect more than a lack of social education. !t is now widely 'elie$ed that some children ha$e a neurological impairment that hinders their a'ility to send and recei$e social signals. 0he pro'lem is most commonly called non$er'al learning disa'ility C@"AD. mong other characteristics of the disorder% sufferers ha$e trou'le processing non$er'al information such as 'ody language% facial expression and tone of $oice. 0hey hear words 'ut miss the su'tleties of communication , the stuff thats 'etween the lines. +tephen @owicki% an tlanta clinical psychologist and co/author of the 'ook Helping the Child Who Doesnt Fit In% calls this deficit -dyssemia.. *e estimates a'out one in ten children has at least a mild form of it% e$en if they dont ha$e @"A. 0o help 'oost their weak social circuitry% @owicki suggests turning on a 04 sitcom% then muting the sound. sk the child to try to figure out whats going on 'y o'ser$ing the characters faces. -!t may 'e $ery hard for children with dyssemia to do this at first% 'ut most impro$e o$er time%. he says. ttention to @"A is increasing among school 'oards. Brian Ellerker% central coordinating principal of special education at the 0oronto Aistrict +chool Board% says suspected @"A sufferers can 'e tested for the disorder. nd many school 'oards now offer special programs for these children. -0he instructor spends extra time teaching them how to read faces and decode other non$er'al cues%. says Ellerker. ,Ga'rielle Bauer

Enter role/playing,what 2elletier calls the social e6ui$alent of piano scales. !f your child is anticipating a socially daunting situation,for instance% a school dance dominated 'y acid/ tongued cli6ue leaders,you can role/play how she might deal with 'ar's from such people. 3harlene Giannetti and 1argaret +agarese% authors of the 'ook 3li6ues% ad$ise using humour whene$er possi'le. :or example5 3li6ue leader5 -@ice hair% @?0.. 2ossi'le response5 -You should see me on a 'ad hair day.. 3hildren can also 'enefit from practising ordinary con$ersation% and the dinner ta'le is a good place to do it. !nstead of the tried/and/true clunker% -Aid anything interesting happen in school today?. 7athy "ynn recommends you start with an amusing anecdote5 -0he funniest thing happened at work todayB. 0his lets the child segue into his own anecdotes without feeling as though hes on a witness stand. @o topic should 'e off/limits% adds "ynn% and telling jokes should 'e encouraged. -Being a'le to tell a joke reflects social competence%. "ynn says% -and theres no 'etter way to learn than 'y listening to others do it..

lso 'e sure to practise talking with your child a'out feelings. +ocially competent children can put feelings into words. - sk a younger child how he would feel if his 'est friend got sick% and ask an older child how she would feel if her 'est friend started a$oiding her%. 2orath suggests. Common !round +ometimes% as in &eremy "ins case% children get stuck in a social rut 'ecause they ha$e little in common with their peers. ?ne solution is to link your child up with others who share his interests. my "in enrolled &eremy in a chess clu'% and science and computer camps. *is awkwardness 'egan melting away in the company of his true peers. Grooming and attire count% too. (hen 3arole +now $isited her ten/year/old sons school% she disco$ered that his clothing wasnt in step with his age. -! had 'een dressing him in cute things that were more appropriate for a younger child%. she says. -+eeing all the other 'oys in their hooded sweatshirts really 'rought this point home to me.. +nows next stop was a childrens clothing store% where she stocked up on 'aggy pants% sweatshirts and a fleece $est for her son. @ow% she says% -he looks more like a Grade < student. *is clothing doesnt put him at a social disad$antage anymore.. +nows o'ser$ations raise an important point5 3an a parent influence a childs social standing among peers? -! dont think parents ha$e the power to fix peer pro'lems%. says Edmonton psychologist Bonnie *aa$e. -(hat the parent can do is help the child feel less anxious a'out the whole popularity scene.. 2sychologist +hirley 4andersteen cautions against trying to change your childs 'asic nature in the course of teaching her how to 'e social. -Aont expect your intro$ert to 'e the life of the party%. she says. -!ts perfectly fine if she just has two or three close friends.. #ltimately% the 'est thing a parent can do is to teach 'y example. my "in showed &eremy how to 'eha$e through her own interactions,at the park% on the phone% in the school yard. +lowly 'ut surely% a more socially confident &eremy 'egan to emerge. &eremy is now thri$ing in a pu'lic/school program for gifted children. (hen my drops him off% other children run up to greet him,something that ne$er happened 'efore. -! used to worry that the social thing would ne$er fall into place for him%. she reflects. -!ts nice to know that a child with a slow start socially can still 'uild up his skills.. Ten "ays You Can Help Your Child Make Friends at School By 7athy "ynn

#on$t push or panic @ot all children are social 'utterflies. +ome like to take their time% watching the scene 'efore getting in$ol$ed. lso% there are kids who will only e$er ha$e one or two close friends% while others will ha$e a wider circle of friendship. Support e%tracurricular acti&ities By joining clu's or teams% your child can meet others who share the same interests. !tEs easier to connect when you ha$e something to talk a'out. Put food in their lunch'(o% that$s easy to share. !f she has a pro'lem making the first mo$e% sharing something from a lunch'ox can 'e a great

ice'reaker. Make your home welcomin) (elcome $isiting children into your home. (hen your son or daughter is a'le to in$ite new friends home% itEs easier for them to de$elop a relationship away from the crowded classroom and school yard. *r)ani+e social e&ents Birthday parties and sleepo$ers are a great way to cement 'lossoming friendships. Be a dri&er (hether itEs carpooling with another parent for swimming lessons or $olunteering to dri$e on school outings% this will pro$ide another opportunity to 'ring your child together with others. ,isten !f your child is ha$ing pro'lems making friends at school% listen to her concerns without jumping in immediately with solutions. +ometimes all she needs is a chance to talk. Pro(lem'sol&e with your child. !f he needs more than a chance to talk% help him de$elop a plan. sk him% F(hat do you think would happen if you sat 'eside the other 'oys at lunchtime?F ?r% F(hat could you say? 0hen practise with him. *(ser&e your child Aoes she ha$e any 'eha$iours that may 'e causing a pro'lem? !s she too 'ossy or extremely shy? !f so% help her to recogni8e the pro'lem and de$elop alternate 'eha$iours. -ecruit the teacher 0alk to your childEs teacher a'out what she o'ser$es. !s there a classmate who would make a good match with your child? sk her to pair them up on a project. ?f course% you may disco$er that sheEs doing just fine at school and just hasnEt told you a'out her school social life. 7athy "ynn is a 4ancou$er radio show host% columnist and parenting expert. :or more information and to contact 1s% "ynn% $isit her we' site at www.parentingtoday.ca