Celebrating Educating

Yorkshire - page 3
A new approach to school
crossings - page 6
Le Tour comes to
Kirkdale - page 4
Together
Together
Working
Working
July/August 2014 July/August 2014
Our new
Super
Council
Our new
Super
Council
Kirklees and
Calderdale merger
set to transform
local services


Contents
Working Together - 2
In:
Alan
Out:
Wine
2 Welcome

3 Media-led regeneration

4 Le Tour comes to
Kirkdale

5 Independence for
Yorkshire in 2015?

6 New school crossing
patrol safety measures

7 Improving your health
and saving you money

8 The great Kirkdale
recycling challenge

Whats on in Kirkdale
The definitive guide to
Council-sponsored fun
Working
Together
Since 2014
Bradley
Moffat
In July we will put such worries aside as
we welcome international athletes to
the borough. The norme specticle of
the Tour de France sweeping through
Kirkdale (page 4).

We will also be working to position
Kirkdale as the premier borough within
West Yorkshire, as we push for a vote
on independence for Yorkshire in 2015
(page 5).

I hope you enjoy the inaugural copy of
Working Together. Only by working
together we will create a brighter
future for all our residents.







Cllr Bradley Moffat,
The Leader of Kirkdale Council
Welcome


It is my great privilege to be
leading the merger of two
great Yorkshire local
authorities & overseeing a
period of transformational
change in the provision of
local services.

Tight public finances will unfortunately
mean staffing levels being reduced
further. We will have many difficult
choices to make which may see
reduced services in some cases.

However these impacts will be
minimised through the efficiencies
gained through adopting a radical new
business models.

Council tax payers will be further
protected as we embark on an
utterly demoralising process of job
evaluation and restructure: as natural
wastage rises, our predicted
redundancy costs will fall.
Kirkdale is Yorkshires new super-council bringing
together 622,000 residents from the former boroughs
of Calderdale and Kirklees.

The new organisation will see over 20,000 full-time
equivalent staff working to benefit the local people,
economy and environment.

Our annual budget of over 1 billion will enable us to
negotiate strong contracts with faceless uncaring,
multi-nationals as we accelerate our programme of
outsourcing and privatisation.
Kirkdale set to benefit from
media-led regeneration
Regeneration
Working Together - 3
Taking Kirkdale to a
Global Audience

In 2010 the BBC did significant damage to the
local economy when it cancelled the comedy
Last of the Summer Wine. Whilst the show still
tops the most-repeated lists on British TV,
tourism revenue will never reach the dizzy
heights of the late 1990s.

However a Council-sponsored deal has seen
South African TV magnate Willem Coetzee, East-
West Capital Management Inc., and The Elland
Sanitary Wares Company, give financial backing to the
launch of a new satellite channel to be based in the heart
of Kirkdale.

Were pleased to announce weve helped secure the
services of TV and gardening legend Alan
Titchmarsh MBE, as prime-anchor for the
channel. Fresh from a seven-year stint hosting the
nations favourite afternoon chat show, TVs very
own Mr Yorkshire will commute three days a
week from his Hampshire farmhouse, to
broadcast live from Halifaxs forthcoming Piece
Hall Media Village.

Alans business acumen in distilling the essence
of Yorkshire-ness and exploiting it for personal
profit is hugely inspiring. Marketing such
regional clichs to a gullible nation will be the
subject of exploratory talks with the Disney
Company this autumn. Watch this space.
Nurturing Home
Grown Talent

Our young students and their hard-working teachers
were taken to the nations hearts in 2013 with Channel
4s Educating Yorkshire. Were elevating the stars of
this show to become official Kirkdale Educational
Ambassadors to help us build strong foundations for
future economic growth.

With Kirkdale support, Musharaf, the undisputed star of
the show, is set to launch his own range of headphones
set to rival Beats Audio for sound quality and uber street
cred. Mushy P Cans will hit the shelves in October.

Twenty percent of the profits from sales of Mushys
designer audio accessory will be donated to the Mr
Bennet Charitable Foundation. All funds raised will pay
for inspirational skinny black trousers and hair gel for all
male teachers, throughout Kirkdale and beyond.
Promoting Kirkdale at a regional,
national and global level has been
identified by US consultancy Blue-Sky
Regeneration, as critical to sustained
economic growth.






Francis Strong, CEO of BS Regeneration,
unveils a game-changing approach to
ensure Kirkdale becomes Europes
investment hub of choice


For full details of all the sporting and
cultural activities taking place visit:
www.letour.yorkshire.com
Working Together - 4
Sanity Restored:
Pot-holes will be re-instated in
cycle lanes from July 7th
Cllr Reg Scribbard
Tour de France
le Tour
de Kirkdale
On the 6th July the eyes of the world will be on
Kirkdale as the Tour de France passes through
our towns, villages and countryside.

Hundreds of volunteers have given their time to line the route
and assist the with the influx of thousands of visitors expected.

Businesses across the borough are gearing up for a bumper
weekend. Hotels and guesthouses have been booked out for
weeks, and our farmers will be opening their fields for campers.

Even irate council tax payers, fed up with the road
closures, detours and public money invested in this event,
have something to look forward to, according to Cllr
David Treble, the new Cabinet Member for
Interconnectivity.

Whilst cycling may improve general health, reduce stress
& obesity, help reduce CO
2
emissions, and provide low-
cost transport, we need to face facts: cyclists are a major
ball-ache for decent, hard-working car drivers, explained
Cllr Treble, so from 7th July onwards well go back to
largely ignoring the needs of these weirdoes .
The enduring friendship between the
French municipality of Besanon and
Kirkdale, will celebrated during le Tour.

The newly appointed Mayor of Kirkdale, Cllr
Reginald Scribbard, will ride in a cycle rickshaw from
Hebden Bridge to Huddersfield, driven by pedal-
power supplied by players from Halifax Town and
Huddersfield Giants.

The challenge will form
part of the final year
assessment of students
from the University of
Huddersfields
Mechanical Engineering
course, who have built
the specially reinforced
rickshaw.

Cllr Scribbard will end his journey on Besanon Bridge (over
the ring-road), where he will formally welcome le Tour
competitors as they fly past en-route to Huddersfield town
centre.













Fittingly hell be enthroned upon a grey concrete block, set into
municipal cobbles, which features a 100% stainless steel plaque.
This fitting monument epitomises the high regard in which we
hold our Gallic cousins.
Ainley Top:
The location of choice
for a Scottish Embassy
Edinburgh
Ainley Top
Working Together - 5
Independence
It is hoped that this will be the
first embassy of many, as
Yorkshire itself moves closer
independence vote of its own
in 2015.

Leader Cllr Bradley Moffat extols the
virtues of the Kirkdale offer: Ainley
Top has all the facilities a foreign
diplomatic service could wish for,
highlights Cllr Moffat, the Toby Carvery
offers a superb four-roast special for
just 5.99, and House of Elliot down the
road has a full range of dead-posh
frocks for the diplomatic wives; and the
connections to the M62 just cant be
beaten. Its not called Ainley Top for
nothing.
Later this year it is expected
that Scotland will vote to
become an independent state
within the European Union.
If Scotland says Yes, the
pressure for Yorkshire to be
granted its own vote on
independence in 2015, will
become irresistible.

On 21st July, elected members from
across Yorkshire will converge on
Kirkdale Town Hall in Huddersfield to
formalise an offer to a parliament of an
independent Scotland: a site for the
Scottish Embassy to the UK.

With Kirkdale Council taking the lead on
behalf of Yorkshire, plans are already
well advanced to compulsorily purchase
the Cedar Court Hotel at Ainley Top,
and gift it to a new Scottish nation.



Working Together - 6
TM
Targeting
Road
Danger
TM
Road Safety
This 25-year contract guarantees
Kirkdale residents a profit sufficient to
pay for any collateral damage, and
hanging baskets on every street.
This innovative approach ensures that
our children are protected, whilst low
taxes are defended. With Kirkdale,
everyone's a winner!
In a recent survey, you told us
that more should be done to
protect children on school
crossings.

Kirkdale is always Listening2U

You said, we did!

In a ground-breaking deal with the US
company Reasonable Force Solutions,
weve been able to train and equip all
our lollipop men and women with a
specially adapted version of their best-
selling armour-piercing, hand-held
rocket launcher.

All cars failing to stop when they see
new-look lollipop in the road will be
swiftly and professionally turned to
toast*.
Tax payers have been
protected from the cost of this
scheme with a 144 episode
deal signed with the new
Freeview Channel Urban War
and Explosions.

Our school crossing staff will also be
required to donate the summer
holidays for deployment overseas with
a subsidiary of Reasonable Force
Solutions. This career development
opportunity may see staff serve with
Ukrainian government (or opposition),
for President Assad (or the Free Syrian
Army), or in defence of the Canadian
Tar Sand Industry. All contracts will be
subject to Best Value procurement
processes and size of the executive
benefits package.










*Please note that Kirkdale Council will take legal
action against your estate to recover the costs of
munitions expended, and the clearing up the
charred remains of you and your car.
Listening2U
Working Together - 7
eat what
your body
needs, not
what the
advertisers
tell you
drink tap
w
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costs only
0.1 pence
per litre
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1)
2)
3)
Health
Kirkdale
Weve had enough of working 60-hour weeks
to keep your bloated bodies and cancer-
ridden lungs functioning.

So weve bypassed NHS managements six-
tier advert-approval process and forwarded
this direct to the printers.

Heres our mini guide to healthy living:

Stop eating so much processed crap,
& cook something for once (& dont fry it)

Stop smoking
George Osborne loves getting your ciggie-
tax, and that your early death will mean
reduced pension payments. Yes its hard,
but do it for your family, if not yourself.
Or do it just to piss Osborne off!

Move about a bit
You dont need to join a gym that cashes-
in on your media-created body issues.
Try walking for 20 minutes a few times a
week. Use a bike sometimes, and smile as
you notice at the price of petrol.
Just do frickin something!
Weve been hamstrung by
politicians, pressured by big
pharma, and are currently
fighting a rearguard action
against the food, drinks and
tobacco industries.

Please help stop this madness before
the nation sleep-shuffles towards
universal obesity.
Working Together - 8
Recycling
Whats on in Kirkdale?
Recycling Ideas
Summer 2014

Working Together Since 2014
With thanks to all Councillors and Officers of Kirkdale Council.
Layout & Design: The Clipart Criminals
Independence Day Festival
Saturday, 5th July
Celebrations in Huddersfield and
Halifax town centres will be linked in
a Live Aid style media event, hosted
by Alan Titchmarsh. Alan will be
entertaining the crowds in both
towns thanks to Reasonable Force
Solutions loan of a Blackhawk
helicopter. Fun for all the family.
www.kirkdale.gov.uk/4thJuly

le Tour de France
Sun, 6th July, Across Kirkdale
Welcome athletes from around the
world as the Tour de France comes to
Kirkdale. Events will be happening
throughout the borough. Soak-up
the cycling-buzz, before squeezing
your belly behind the steering wheel
and driving home.
www.letour.yorkshire.com

Bricklayers Burly-esque
Cabaret, Halifax Town Hall
Sat, 12th July, 8pm
Back by popular demand - your
favourite hairy-arsed men strip-off to
their Calvin Kleins, tool belts & hard
hats. Will you catch the hod-carrier?
Protective footwear required.
Box Office: 01422 700000
Slaithwaite Muckraking
Festival, Canalside
Saturday 19th July, 12-8pm
Join in with the traditional village fun
as the dirty linen of the seven most
promiscuous residents is aired in
public. Village stocks supplied.
Bring your own rotten fruit, eggs
and prejudices.
www.kirkdale.gov.uk/madeupfun

Summer Fun in the Parks
Sundays - Across Kirkdale
Calling all parents! Bring your little
darlings for a fun-filled day of park-
based entertainment. Amusements
include: toddlers dropping ice
creams, scraping dog-poop off your
trainers, & non-intimidating groups
of never-be gangstas
www.kirkdale.gov.uk/parks

Ropey Williams
Dewsbury Town Hall
Wed 23rd July, 8pm
Fresh from his sell-out tour of the
Holme Valley, singing sensation
Ropey Williams will be bringing his
thrilling tribute act to Dewsbury.
Will he be bottled off yet again?
Box Office: 01924 800000
Sponsored Pub Crawl
Mon 25th August, 11am-11pm
Join Mayor Reginald Scribbard on this
never-attempted feat of downing half
pints of ale in all of Kirkdales pubs in
just 12 hours. All proceeds will go to
the Mayors Charity Appeal. Help us
reach the 282,000 target to fund a
new dialysis machine for Kirkdale
Royal Hospital, Halifax.
www.justgiving.com/bleaugh

Puppy Party
Taste of Hanoi Pop-Up
Restaurant, Piece Hall, Halifax
Fri 5th September, 7.30pm
Bring along your cute canine friends for
an unforgettable night out on the town.
Hosted by Britains Got Talent sensations
Ashley and Pudsey. Bring your own
puppy, chopsticks and doggy bag.
Counselling not available.
www.kirkdale.gov.uk/pestcontrol
Take the Recycling
Challenge and help make
Kirkdale cleaner & greener
In a no-nonsense traditional Yorkshire approach to
the issue of household waste, Kirkdale Council is
launching the Recycling Challenge.

Look out for our new-look refuse collection vehicles
and hard-hitting poster campaign.

In our next issue well be updating you on whether the
campaign has reduced the amount of nappies, dead-
pets and chip-fat weve found in the green bins.