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Contents

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EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Todd Morehead
todd@columbiacitypaper.com

ARTS EDITOR Judit Trunkos


jtrunkos@columbiacitypaper.com

News.Politics.Commentary. COLATHEATER.COM
S.M. Baleem, Garrett Kellerhals
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,85*=1.*=.;,86 ;.?2.@ 8/ ;.7= 2< 87 =1. @.+ 90  PUBLISHER
Paul Blake

Arts.Entertainment.Etc.
paul@columbiacitypaper.com

ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES
James Wallace

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387.<27 ,;8<<@8;-< ! COLUMBIA CITY PAPER
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90  Columbia, SC 29201
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are $1 and two-bits each. Views expressed do not necessarily represent the opinions of Columbia City Paper or its publisher. (C) Columbia City Paper, LLC
weeks old. The teen was charged with in a federal court
desecration of human remains. and are awaiting
sentencing.
Woman Arrested Over Hot Dog Thomas Blue
A Charleston woman found herself in Sr., 49, Thomas
hot water after she allegedly made a hot dog Blue Jr., 28, and
at a Myrtle Beach area Circle K, offered to Judson Talbert,
pay it for it later and then threw it in the 35, pleaded guilty Shameful, Florence!
trash after the clerk declined her request. in a Florence
The woman told responding officers federal court to civil rights and carjacking
that she threw the hot dog away because charges, after they attacked Dahndra Moore
it didn’t taste good. She was later charged when he stopped at the Stop and Shop on
with shoplifting. The hot dog was valued at Dec. 6, 2007. The store was owned by the
$1.41, according to one media report. Blue family.
According to reports, the elder Blue
escorted Moore to the parking lot and threw
him to the ground when he tried to use the
restroom. The younger Blue threatened
Moore with a chainsaw while Talbert stole
Moore’s car, drove it away and burned it.
Moore was able to run down the road and
escape into a nearby home.

ROCK HILL

CHARLESTON have free reign over the countryside as long PETA Angered Over Chimp Show
as they are vaccinated, microchipped and People for the Ethical Treatment
Former General Assembly Politicos Wed spayed or neutered. of Animals called on the Rock Hill
Former state senator Catherine Ceips Animal welfare groups say the program Christmasville show to disallow a travelling
(R-Beaufort) and former Republican state could save the county more than $40,000 chimpanzee show from participating. The
representative Wallace Scarborough were in costs associated with euthanizing and animal rights group claims that chimps
married in a private ceremony at Ceips’ incinerating the cats. The county did, generally undergo harsh treatment during
home in Beaufort last week, according to however, impose a kitty death penalty for training process. The show went on as
the Hilton Head Island Packet. trouble-making cats that are captured more scheduled.
In 2006, Columbia City Paper than twice. The Christmasville show, which was
columnist Will Moredock broke the story “It’s a three-strikes-and-you’re-out billed a “Chimpfabulous,” featured chimps
that Scarborough’s then-wife had alleged thing,” Charleston County Councilman doing various stunts. A chimp named Rickey
Pay ya later!
her husband and Ceips were having an Elliott Summey told the Charleston Post reportedly rode a scooter and later wore
affair while serving in office. and Courier. “It’s not going to get picked a pair of sunglasses while lip-synching a
Ceips served in the state House of up again unless it’s causing problems.” GREENVILLE Stevie Wonder song. Another chimp named
Representatives from 2002 to 2007 before Some area birdwatchers and naturalists Kenya, 35, was reportedly dressed like a
she won a special election to fill a state expressed concern that free-roaming Cross-dressing Man: I’m a Cop! cowboy and rode around on a small horse.
senate seat vacated by Scott Richardson. packs of cats would negatively affect bird Greenville Police arrested a man they The city of Rock Hill defended its
She lost a full-term bid for the seat in populations. But a representative for the say was dressed as a woman. The man choice to use the chimps in their Christmas
the 2008 election. Scarborough served the American Society for the Prevention of claimed to be an event.
General Assembly from 2001 to 2007. Cruelty to Animals says the program will undercover officer “We research very carefully any vendors
The couple has not commented to the reduce cat numbers in the long term. and was attempting that we allow in city events,” city of Rock
media about their wedding at press time. “Lets say I’m driving down Dorchester to arrest patrons at Hill spokeswoman Lyn Garris told the
Road and I see a bunch of cats at a dumpster Haywood Mall. Rock Hill Herald. “It’s an honorable group
by a convenience store,” Joe Elmore, an According to of people. The animals are well treated.
ASPCA spokesman, hypothesized to the a police report, We’re comfortable that we’ve made a good
Post and Courier. “If you ... euthanize them, David Lee Burton, decision.”
other cats will come in and breed and take 45, told officers
their place.” that he comes
By sterilizing and vaccinating them to the mall on
instead, the cats could defend their dumpster Wednesdays and
or other food sources from rival cat gangs Fridays dressed in
Burton women’s clothing.
that would’ve otherwise simply taken over
their turf. Eventually the untreated cats Police were called
would likely get sick and die, Elmore said. to the scene when shoppers complained that
Burton approached them, saying he was
MYRTLE BEACH an undercover officer with the Greenville
Sheriff’s Department.
Burton, who denied the allegations,
Skeletal remains of fetus found was charged with impersonating a law
A 16-yr-old girl has been arrested after enforcement officer and trespass notice
her mother found the skeletal remains of a served.
The scoop (and the cover) that made us fetus and called authorities.
infamous in South Carolina. According to multiple media reports, the FLORENCE
teen’s mother saw photos of the dead fetus
on her daughter’s cell phone, recognized Three Charged in 2007 Civil Rights Case
Vote Concedes County to Feral Cats the background location, and retrieved the
Charleston County Council has approved Three white men who threatened a black
remains. The woman then notified police. man for trying to use the restroom in a
a controversial program that lets feral cats A Horry County deputy coroner determined Marlboro County store have pleaded guilty Chimpfabulous!
roam. The ordinance would let the animals that the fetus was stillborn at less than 20
-.,.6+.;   " 3
IMAGES OF CHRISTMAS Letters to the Reader gaze to a small terrier that was wagging his
Dear Internet comment boards, called to heaven (or possibly the other
whole back end and tugging playfully on a
bright red leash, while a little girl laughed Does the web really need you place). Assuming the former, we can only
gaily and fed it bits from her cookie. The anymore? To be frank, who really cares hope that he now sits at the right hand of
little boy’s eyes lingered on the dog and an what the average asshole thinks about the 900-foot-tall Jesus that commanded
expression of familiarity and recent grief any given post? Inevitably, “godawgs75” him to solicit millions from viewers to
seemed to pass across his face. He pulled gets into it with “harleyguy ” over some build a skyscraper in Tulsa. Doctors said
out the bloodied image of Santa begging trifle completely unrelated to the thread. he succumbed to complications from
for death from the cover of City Paper and Next thing you know, the dreg types who pneumonia, but, c’mon, Oral Roberts
stared at it for a long moment. get off on “Jersey Shore” have taken over claimed to have raised a little kid from the
“Mister?” he asked finally, tugging –checking back on each other’s reply dead and said he held regular chats with
on my pant leg. “Do you think Santa is in comments, which is even more pathetic— the omnipotent creator of the universe.
heaven with my dog Patches?” and at the end of the day it just ends up And, you’re telling me he can’t shake
“Nah. Dogs don’t go to heaven, silly.” hogging the site’s hard earned bandwidth. pneumonia? We all know it was really
I got down on one knee, took the Maybe someone out there should just the economy. Remember back in the 80s
toboggan from under his arm and pulled it start Argue.com. Post a random daily when he said God would “call him home”
BY TODD MOREHEAD onto his head to keep his ears warm. opinion sentence and let commenters if he didn’t raise $8 million and everyone
“Listen,” I said, “You know how your interface with a state-of-the-art comment freaked out and sent him $9 million just to
We’ve gotten comments –some good, grandma has been asleep in the hospital for
some not so good—about our holiday board that allows them to forge alliances be safe? ...Looks like he just didn’t meet
a few months with the beeping machines and
themed cover art over the years. Last issue tubes? Santa’s kind of like that right now.” with other users, more conveniently start his quota this year.
we ran a photo of Jesus squaring off nose-to- “Oh.” The boy’s voice cracked and his and track sub-arguments, deploy a whole Columbia City Paper
nose with Santa to tie into the theme of our bottom lip began to tremble. He looked range of sociopathic emoticons, and keep
liberal/conservative gift list and to illustrate away toward the parade to gather himself. up with rival replies from various theaters Dear Snuggies,
the dichotomy of the holiday itself. Of those After a moment, he looked up and his eyes of battle. Supplement it with an iPhone or My wife and I were so bored with our
readers to whom I’ve spoken, none seemed were filled with tears. Drone app and bitter housewives can take “Bombay Harlot Seduces Imperial British
more affected than a young boy at the West “I only did one bad thing this year, out their aggressions in anonymity from Officer” lovemaking fantasy that it began
Metro Parade of Lights in West Columbia. mister, I swear! I – I thought maybe it would anywhere. And, more importantly, spare to affect our sex life. But, we packed
He actually had Christmas issues from the make Santa mad at me again.” The boy’s the rest of us. away the sarong and my white powdered
last two years stuffed into his jacket pockets. eyes widened and he seemed to physically Columbia City Paper wig and riding boots, bought a couple of
City Paper, it seemed, had driven the little stoop under the weight of some dawning, Snuggies and have been happily playing
guy to a crossroads. unnamed horror. “Do... do you think because Dear televangelism fans, “Fallen Monks” ever since. Just wanted to
I was on my third doughnut when I saw of me?” He brought a mitten up to his mouth Sadly, one of the founding fathers say thanks for such a wonderful product!
him standing nearby and staring down at a and gaped at the mutilated image of Santa.
crumpled copy of the December 3 edition. of televangelism, Oral Roberts, has been Columbia City Paper
“Did I do this to Santa?”
The boy, slight for his age, had a shock of “Come on, kid.” I took a bite of doughnut
thin brown hair that had been mussed, I and stared out at the street. “Don’t beat
assumed, by the Spider Man toboggan he yourself up over it.”
had tucked under his arm. His large brown A passing fire engine blared its horn
eyes seemed to be transfixed on the cover and I thought I heard the Shriner mini cars
image and his lips worked silently while he buzzing in the distance. I needed another nip
tried to make out the words. from the flask in the porta john to properly
“Hey, little fella,” I said walking up to enjoy them.
him. “Where’d you find that?” “You should, uh, run along now, kid.
Without looking up, he cocked a And find yourself a good spot. You don’t
mittened thumb over his shoulder to the want to miss Andre Bauer do you? I hear
dumpster behind Zesto. I noticed, then, that they’re gonna have him propped up in the
he also had the December 3, 2008 edition back of a convertible.”
rolled up and hanging out of his jacket “Whoopee,” he said flatly.
pocket. Even partially hidden, I recognized He hung his head, turned without a
the cover illustration of a brutalized Santa word, took a few steps and stopped with his
Claus hanging from a cross. back to me. Silhouetted against the glow of
“Wow, kid, you must be a fan.” twinkling lights, he looked like a North Pole
“Not really. My dad says these guys elf who’d been around the block one too
hate Jesus.” He wiped his nose on his jacket many times. He seemed to gather himself to
sleeve. “Santa Claus, too.” turn and ask another question but it never
“Actually, I think that image was came. After a moment he let the Christmas
supposed to represent the ailing American list fall from his hand. It fluttered briefly on
construct of Christmas in this bleak economic the curb amid the glitter and confetti and
landscape; an ode to modern capitalism, if then it dropped silently between the grates
you will.” of a sewer drain. Once it had drifted out of
He shrugged. I noticed that he had a sight, the boy walked away without looking
small piece of notebook paper in his other back at the parade.
mitten and when I squinted at it I made out I watched him make his way past the
a few items listed in green crayon. It was brightly lit snowflakes and candy canes
his Christmas list! He had written in big red hanging from the telephone poles, the smell
letters that he hoped Santa visited him this of hot cocoa wafting on the breeze. He kicked
year, because he didn’t come last year. a trash can near the corner, then shuffled
Before I could comment on the list, a past laughing families lining the sidewalk,
youth group from a local Pentecostal church the copy of City Paper still clutched tightly
began to sing carols from the bed of a pickup in his little fist.
truck. One caroler started to toss candy I sighed at the image and smiled. Man, I
canes toward us, but I waved her away. The
love Christmas.
boy ignored the float, too. I followed his
talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
4 -.,.6+.;   "
-.,.6+.;   " 5
The Impossible War
Story and Photographs by David Axe
Obama commits more troops to Afghanistan — with the wrong strategy
BARAKI BARAK, Afghanistan—The soldiers from Able Troop knew the attack was coming. Not only
had they received several ominous warnings from some sympathetic local farmers in this agricultural
district 50 miles south of Kabul, in mountainous central Afghanistan — they could also feel it in their
bones. Some Afghan towns, on some nights, practically seethe with potential violence.
Oct. 21 was such a night. corruption, Afghans have said a resounding
Staff Sgt. Ashley Hess, a toothy, heavy- “no” to democracy. For that reason, the
smoking man, had first felt the building U.S. war effort is doomed. Deploying tens
tension six days prior. “Let’s go get blown of thousands of extra troops in a failed
up,” he’d muttered as he strapped himself bid to reform an entire society just means
into the passenger’s side of his eight-seat putting tens of thousands of extra troops
armored vehicle, while preparing for a in the cross-hairs of the tattered remnants
reconnaissance mission to the outskirts of of Al Qaeda and the Taliban, which fight
Baraki Barak. Hess’ feeling was right — it on despite their serious setbacks. Not to
was his timing that was off. Hess’ patrol mention, the reinforcements will cost $1
returned to base unscathed. It was a separate million per person per year, according to the
patrol on the 21st that found itself caught in White House’s Office of Management and
the literal and figurative crossfire of the now Budget — this during the worst economic
eight-year-old Afghanistan war. crisis this nation has suffered in nearly 100
It was a war launched with the clearest of years.
objectives: to hunt down the men responsible “Winning” in Afghanistan does not
for the Sept. 11, 2001 terror attacks in New mean reforming Afghan society. Winning
York, Washington, D.C. and Pennsylvania, means disrupting terrorists, and that does not
and to disrupt their group’s ability to plan require nation-building. We must get back
further attacks. In the beginning, the U.S.- to our original and realistic war goals, and
led invasion of Afghanistan was clearly bring home the tens of thousands of soldiers
focused on Al Qaeda — although, at the currently laboring to export democracy to an
time, that meant also disrupting the Taliban, Afghanistan that wants nothing to do with
the Islamic regime that had harbored the Staff Sgt. Ashley Hess from Able Troop prepares for combat in Logar on Oct. 15. 2009. it. Until we do, our soldiers are fighting, and
terror group. sometimes dying, for nothing.
But then something happened. Al Qaeda their own commitments to a now aimless trying to persuade Afghans to act like ideal Back in Baraki Barak on Oct. 21, the
all but disappeared from Afghanistan, fleeing war effort that, to date, has claimed the Americans — obeying laws, voting in free ambush began with a chest-thumping
into neighboring Pakistan, where vast swaths lives of more than 1,500 coalition soldiers. elections, respecting human rights and due boom. A bomb, buried in the middle of a
of the country are under the control of the In the absence of clear enemy, our goals in process — all in pursuit of the unproven dirt road, exploded underneath one of Able
Taliban’s Pakistani branch. The Taliban, Afghanistan shifted. No longer were we just theory that representative democracy can be Troop’s vehicles. The blast shattered the
too, melted into the Afghan countryside, its finding and killing terrorists. From late 2002 forcibly exported to corrupt, non-democratic truck’s front half; the soldiers inside were
ranks depleted and its leaders under constant on, we drifted into nation-building, laboring societies, and that that democracy is the only miraculously unhurt. Taliban fighters hiding
threat of assassination by U.S. commandos to establish a Western-style democracy in way to truly suppress terrorism. in a tree-line opened fire with AK-47s and
and drone aircraft. a vast, rugged country of poor, illiterate, That conflation of counter-terrorism Rocket-Propelled Grenades, peppering the
A couple years after the first company xenophobic and corrupt people. and nation-building lies at the heart of U.S. now-stalled American convoy.
of U.S. Marines leaped out of their assault Pentagon officials tried to link counter- President Barack Obama’s decision to add The Americans fired back. For 20
helicopters at a former hunting lodge outside terrorism and nation-building, as though 30,000 troops to the current force of more minutes, fields burned, cows died from stray
the southern city of Kandahar, in November the two were obviously the same thing. than 60,000, and to pressure NATO allies bullets and walls and canals collapsed amid
2001, we had effectively won the war in “Democracy is the opposite end to the to add as many as 7,000 to their combined the fighting. The Americans had come to
Afghanistan. Al Qaeda no longer used the [traditional Islamic] Caliphate, which is 30,000-strong Afghan contingents. The Baraki Barak to build a democracy, but that
country as a base in any meaningful way. what Al Qaeda is trying to establish,” one reinforcements “will help create the had proved impossible. That night, it was
The Taliban, once a functioning government, unnamed military official said in a 2006 conditions for the United States to transfer all they could do just to stay alive, pinned
had been reduced to a guerilla movement, news release, implying that justified the responsibility to the Afghans,” Obama said down as much by the U.S. government’s
albeit a highly deadly one. “The extremists effort. as he announced his decision, in a speech at fundamentally-flawed nation-building
have lost sanctuaries and popular support But nation-building rarely works, the U.S. Army’s Military Academy in West strategy as by the Taliban’s bombs, guns
in Afghanistan,” then-Secretary of Defense especially at the barrel of a gun. Point, New York, on Dec. 1. and rockets.
Donald Rumsfeld wrote in 2005. Afghanistan, one of the world’s most But everyday Afghans have a say in There would be a deeply ironic coda to
Still, we stayed. Worse, we dug in deeper, corrupt, fractured countries, is particularly the direction their society takes. And in Able Troop’s October battle. In the hours
steadily adding troops, building new bases resistant to external reform. Nevertheless, a contested, fraudulent election this fall after Obama’s West Point announcement,
and pressuring our NATO allies to expand eight years into the war the U.S. military is and with innumerable smaller acts of the top officer for Afghanistan, U.S.
6 -.,.6+.;   "
The Pentagon had big plans for Logar. government. The strategy, Gukeisen said,
The province would be a test case for a is about “changing human behavior.”
new phase of the Afghan war — Obama’s For all of Gukeisen’s optimism, there
phase — characterized by more troops, are cracks just under the surface of the
more resources and a more determined so-called Extreme Makeover: Afghanistan
push to reform Afghan society. Lt. Col. Edition. Local improvements in Baraki
Thomas Gukeisen, the gruff, bulldog- Barak are immediate reactions to the
faced commander of U.S. forces in Logar, larger American presence and the influx of
including Able Troop, named the campaign American money. But when the Americans
for the province after a popular American leave, as they eventually must, the villages
reality show in which producers descend will surely back-slide — for there has been
on a needy family and pay to refurbish no commensurate improvement inside the
and improve the family’s home. “It’s my Afghan government that might maintain the
‘Extreme Makeover: Afghanistan Edition,’” province’s forward progress. Gukeisen’s
Gukeisen said. He was seemingly unaware strategy amounts to a band-aid on a festing
that many makeover recipients on the reality wound. Only internal improvements can
show end up losing their “new” homes, heal the wound.
when they discover they can’t afford higher So the question is, is the Afghan
taxes and upkeep. The makeovers are often government in Baraki Barak making any
illusory. effort at all to truly govern the place? Or is
Gukeisen’s soldiers identified the it business as usual in a country that hasn’t
villages and neighborhoods that were safest had effective centralized rule in centuries?
for Americans, and began offering small
Able Company Capt. Paul Shepard interviews Afghans at a mosque in Baraki reconstruction projects to the local elders.
Barak on Oct. 18, 2009. The Sub Gov
Marginal communities that wanted their The Americans call him by his
Army Gen. Stan McChrystal, held a press At the time, the 100 Americans occupied own projects had to rally against the local nickname, “Sub Gov.” Baraki Barak Sub-
conference where he highlighted examples a fortified hilltop compound that once Taliban, and other criminal and insurgent Governor Mohamed Yasin Ludeen, a
of success in Afghanistan — models for the belonged to a Turkish gravel manufacturer. elements, before the Americans would help deeply tanned man with a carefully trimmed
way the war would be waged, from now on. They represented an insignificant force, them, too. All it took to active the American moustache and a sharp, distinctive nose, is
His major example: Baraki Barak. especially considering Logar’s role in projects was for someone to hand over the top government official for the more
“Some months ago it was almost under a previous war. The province was the to the Army a list of names of known than 100,000 farmers, herders and their
complete insurgent control,” McChrystal site of one of the bloodiest battles of the Taliban. Or, the Afghans could detain the families that live in Baraki Barak’s lush
said of the district. “Now with a partnership Soviet occupation in the 1980s. A Soviet Taliban themselves. It was an approach that valley. Ludeen was appointed, not elected.
between coalition forces, Afghan forces formation of some 400 vehicles was cut off hinged on creating what Gukeisen called His uncle is the provincial governor — in
and local government and some smart in Logar’s southernmost Kherwar district “dislocated envy” between villages. “It other words, Ludeen’s theoretical boss, in a
counter-insurgency techniques, some — a natural “bowl” ringed by mountains gives us the carrot and the stick,” Gukeisen country where hierarchy is considered very
reinforcement of local leadership, violence and accessible by a single narrow road said. important, but rarely actually works.
is down something like 80 percent and it is — and systematically destroyed by U.S.- In this way, the Americans spent nearly Ludeen, and the district governments
all because we link up and partner and we funded mujahideen fighters. a million dollars in Logar in just over he represents, is key to building a peaceful,
make it work.” Many of Logar’s so-called “muj” would six months time in mid 2009. Projects Western-style democracy. In a lawful
A closer look at Baraki Barak eventually join the Taliban and turn their included new public toilets; paint, carpet democracy like ours, local government
undermines McChrystal’s claims, and weapons against their own former patrons, and new loudspeakers for mosques; and provides essential basic services, without
challenges the Obama Administration’s the Americans. U.S. officers were worried greenhouses for growing winter crops. which people might resort to violence
assumptions regarding the Afghanistan that sending more soldiers to Logar, on top Gukeisen’s intelligence agents kept an eye in order to care for themselves and their
war. Baraki Barak is less an example of of the original 100, might doom them to the on the toilets. Based on growing traffic
gradual progress towards a democratic, same bloody fate that befell the Soviets. at the latrines, the agents estimated that
peaceful Afghanistan, and more an For years, however, the issue was moot, Baraki Barak’s population nearly doubled
example of the depth and permanence of for there simply weren’t enough Americans in 2009, as more and more villages signed
a traditional Afghan society that rejects in Afghanistan for every province to have onto Gukeisen’s plan and thousands of war
Western-style democracy, and will not its own large contingent. Then, as one of refugees returned home.
mold itself to Obama’s notion of “success” his first acts as president, Obama ordered That, plus some high-profile Taliban
in Afghanistan, no matter how many troops an extra 17,000 U.S. troops to Afghanistan, arrests and the reported 80-percent decline
we send in. boosting the occupying army to a new high in insurgent attacks, told Gukeisen that
of around 60,000. Several thousand of those his strategy was working. Gukeisen told
A Tale of Three Districts reinforcements made their way to Logar. McChrystal. McChrystal told his boss,
A year ago, there were just 100 They initially avoided Kherwar and its Gen. David Petraeus. Petraeus surely told
Americans in all of Logar, just south of deadly “bowl,” instead setting up at a former the president. Word circulated that Logar,
Kabul. One of Afghanistan’s 34 provinces, Soviet prison in Baraki Barak, a northern and Baraki Barak in particular, was a
Logar is home to an estimated half a million district that intelligence reports indicated worthy model for the whole war effort.
people and, with its fertile soil irrigated by would be friendlier towards foreigners. The A legion of senior officers, think-tank
the Logar River and by snow melt streaming Americans beefed up the prison’s defenses analysts and reporters descended on Logar
down the mountains, is one of the country’s and replaced a wall still bearing hundreds to see for themselves. Able Troop patrols past a marijuana field
major bread baskets. Looking down from of bullet holes from a mass execution of In October, hawkish historian and in Baraki Barak on Oct. 21, 2009.
the mountains on a fall day, you can see Afghan prisoners in the ‘80s. Baraki Barak analyst Max Boot — a mousy, bespectacled families. Local government also serves as a
heaps of orange corn drying on rooftops. would be the wedge for gradually inserting man — landed in a Blackhawk helicopter, bridge to higher levels of government, all the
more forces into Logar. and spent the day chatting with Gukeisen way to the national level. In the U.S., layers
THAT’S A HUNDRED THOUSAND, MOSTLY YOUNG and Capt. Paul Shepard, one of Gukeisen’s
subordinates. Gukeisen sketched out
of government and society are connected
by innumerable links: voting, paying taxes,
AMERICANS, WHO LIKE ABLE TROOP MUST CONTINUE ambitious plans to extend his influence
across Baraki Barak, into neighboring
phoning in tips to police, traveling between
jurisdictions on roads maintained by one
ABSORBING TALIBAN BOMBS AND BULLETS, AS THEY Cherkh district and ultimately into the layer of government or another — these are
feared Kherwar district. As Gukeisen saw
LABOR TOWARDS AN IMPOSSIBLE GOAL.
all links for everyday people. Our networks
it, he would gradually change Afghans’
attitudes about the U.S. and their own Continued on Page 8
-.,.6+.;   " 7
Continued from Page 7 an American democracy in the mountains
of local, state and federal laws — and the of Afghanistan. Terrorists and radical
taxes, grants and police assistance flowing Islamists would be anathema. Peace would
in all directions — are links between layers reign. And the U.S. and NATO could leave
of governments. Afghanistan, job well done.
These links do not exist in Afghanistan. Too bad that’ll never happen. Ludeen
Government does not interact with the is supposed to be the solution to Baraki
people, except to extort them. Government Barak’s lack of governance. But he’s
provides essentially no services. The people actually part of the problem. Ludeen, like
do not support the government with taxes, practically all Afghan officials, seems to see
because they do not respect the government a government post not as an opportunity for
— nor need it in their daily lives. They public service, but as a way of lining his own
don’t follow written laws. They may not pockets. When the U.S. Army first moved
even be aware of the law, because the into Baraki Barak, Ludeen — who doesn’t
government has never tried to educate them. even live in Baraki Barak, rather drives in
In the vast spaces between the people and from Kabul several days a week — helped
“their” government, the Taliban, Al Qaeda arrange the contract to provide gravel for
and criminal gangs have ample space to the Army’s main base. In return, Ludeen
hide. People accept the bad guys’ presence demanded, and received, a roughly $20,000
because there’s no way to get rid of them kickback, according to an Army source.
or because they’re no more offensive than Not that he doesn’t talk a great talk.
the occasional, corrupt Afghan National “There’s not one good almond in the
Army patrol that comes through and steals bunch,” Ludeen said through an interpreter,
everyone’s valuables. when Boot asked the Sub Gov about Afghan Baraki Barak district sub governor Mohamed Yasin Ludeen on Oct. 18, 2009.
Ron Barkley, a tall, soft-spoken State President Hamid Karzai’s cabinet.
“So how should we root out corruption down Afghan motorists. In Kabul, mini-bus American commandos, with a big boost
Department official, is all too aware of drivers must bribe traffic cops just to pass from the growing fleet of inexpensive, armed
Afghanistan’s lack of good governance. in Afghanistan?” Boot asked.
“Impossible,” Ludeen said. “There’s just through key intersections. drone aircraft, have managed to keep terror
Barkley is the State’s Department’s top In Kandahar, in the south, the commander groups off-kilter by way of precision raids.
advisor to the U.S. Army in Baraki Barak. one way to get rid of corruption. You’ve got
to get rid of the current cabinet. Change all of the local Afghan air force wing, Brig. In 2008 alone, drone strikes picked off as
“It doesn’t multiply,” Barkley said of the Gen. Abdul Raziq Sherzai, is related to the many as 80 Al-Qaeda operatives hiding out
Army’s reform efforts in the district. “It stays of them. Bring in fresh views.”
As guilty as he is, Ludeen was not wrong: provincial governor, who is allegedly also in Pakistan. A lightning-fast commando raid
in one little area.” What he was describing the major player in the drug trade. The in Somalia in September killed a Kenyan
is a society that lacks all the links that we, as corruption is endemic to Afghan society. It
was just four months ago that incumbent Sherzai family owns one of the region’s man suspected of orchestrating several
Americans, take for granted. biggest construction companies, and Brig. terror bombings.
“What we’re trying do is to take the Sub president Karzai rigged the country’s
presidential election. He got caught by a Gen. Sherzai is suspected of using air force Victory in Afghanistan does not mean
Gov” — that is, Ludeen and his government helicopters for company business — and for leaving Afghanistan with an American-style
— “and expand out to other villages,” U.N. watchdog group and ordered to repeat
the vote. But when his sole challenger smuggling, as well. government. Besides, that’s an impossible
Barkley added. “Let’s expand up from the “Corruption in Afghanistan is endemic,” task. Victory means disrupting terrorists
district. From the district to the province. dropped out, Karzai won anyway.
Earlier, a paramilitary force established Kai Eide, the U.N.’s Special Representative — something we already know how to do,
That’s where we’re going to make our for Afghanistan, said last year. The nonprofit on the cheap.
money. That’s where people are going to to help NATO patrol outlying provinces
had to be scrapped soon after its creation, group Integrity Watch Afghanistan estimated Oddly, Obama seemed to acknowledge
see their government doing something.” that the typical Afghan family pays a third of this, in his West Point strategy speech.
And that, in turn, would reinforce those because the militiamen were supplementing
their $70-a-month incomes by shaking its income in bribes; the value of all bribery “I set a goal that was narrowly defined as
new links that would, eventually, result in in the country runs to half the roughly $500- disrupting, dismantling, and defeating Al
million internationally-funded development Qaeda and its extremist allies,” the president
budget, the group asserted. said. “Since then, we’ve made progress on
You can’t get rid of corruption in some important objectives. High-ranking
Afghanistan, because everyone is corrupt. Al-Qaeda and Taliban leaders have been
As long as that is true, “Afghan governance” killed, and we’ve stepped up the pressure
will remain a contradiction in terms, and on Al Qaeda worldwide.”
military-led efforts to build connections So why are we also trying to reform, by
between layers of Afghan society will force, an Afghan society that has no interest
fail. Local development work, like that in changing? With Obama’s announcement,
Gukeisen’s troops are doing, will work only U.S. troop levels in Afghanistan will soon
as long as the Americans remain. If we are reach 100,000. That’s a hundred thousand,
in Afghanistan to build a nation, then we mostly young Americans, who like Able
will be in Afghanistan forever. Troop must continue absorbing Taliban
bombs and bullets, as they labor towards an
Another Way impossible goal.
Remember that building a democratic For Able Troop, there’s an especially
Afghanistan was not our original goal. The ominous note to the Administration’s
goal was disrupting Al Qaeda. For that, ongoing support for Afghan nation-building.
there is a cheaper, less bloody way. As Gukeisen expands his influence in Logar
Within weeks of the Sept. 11 attacks, U.S. with money and small projects, the Army
Special Forces dropped into Afghanistan edges closer and close to the natural “bowl”
and, with the support of the CIA and the in Kherwar district where the Soviet division
Air Force, mobilized sympathetic Afghans was massacred, two decades ago. As the
— and paid off many hold-outs — to fight U.S. war effort expands, young soldiers will
back against the Taliban and Al Qaeda. In find themselves marching into killing fields
northern Afghanistan, just a few dozen that have claimed the armies of empires, for
Americans and their local allies defeated a centuries.
An Able Troop soldier patrols Baraki Barak on Oct. 23, 2009. 25,000-strong Taliban army.
All over the world, small numbers of talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
8 -.,.6+.;   "
Ethics Commission. In a Wednesday option existed for legislators who wanted
statement, Sanford said the Judiciary to remove Sanford. It’s a little-known
subcommittee dismissed 32 of 37 ethics constitutional measure called “removal by
allegations against him. In the large scheme address.” It probably has never been used.
of things, that’s a little misleading because According to the opinion by Rutgers
it makes it look like those charges are gone. University Professor G. Alan Tarr, who runs
In fact, the governor still faces action by the Center for State Constitutional Studies,
2=™< 78= 8?.; B.=

By Andy Brack
the state Ethics Commission on all 37
violations of state ethics law. What the
Judiciary subcommittee did had no impact
South Carolina is one of the few states that
offers “removal by address.” Article XV,
Section 3 of the state constitution allows
on those allegations. the governor to remove “any executive or
I T’ S PROBABLY OVER, recommendation of a subcommittee, but it’s Attorney General. The jury still is judicial officer” for “any willful neglect of
BUT IT STILL AIN ’ T OVER been known to happen. And whenever 25 out also whether Attorney General Henry duty, or other reasonable cause.”
politicians get in a room over a hot political McMaster will file criminal charges against As Tarr contemplates, it’s unlikely
Anybody who thinks the potential issue where they’re on the hot seat, well, the governor in relation to the civil ethics Sanford would remove himself. But if the
impeachment of Gov. Mark Sanford is over you can fill in the blank. violations. While McMaster, a gubernatorial House and Senate passed a non-impeachment
isn’t recalling the words of Yogi Berra. House floor. Even if the House Judiciary candidate, may have been waiting on the resolution to suspend Sanford from office
“It ain’t over ‘til it’s over,” Berra said Committee doesn’t send an impeachment House before sticking his finger in the and replace him with a temporary governor,
in 1973 when the come-from-behind New resolution to all 170 members of the House wind to determine what to do, there is the the temporary governor could, in fact, send
York Mets nabbed the pennant on the final for consideration, something could happen possibility that the Sanford saga could hit Sanford packing through the “removal of
day of the baseball season. on the floor the criminal courts. address” option.
For South Carolina, the state obsession during the 2010 (With the House Yes, this complicated option is as likely
with Sanford’s peccadilloes is far from session to bring “IMPEACHMENT IS A CONSTITUTIONAL moving forward as snow in July at Myrtle Beach, but to
over, despite some sloppy and misleading the issue up for a PREROGATIVE OF THE FULL HOUSE.” on a censure suggest the whole messy Sanford imbroglio
reporting by some news outlets. While vote. (It probably resolution, this also is over just ain’t so.
Sanford certainly dodged a hurdle this won’t happen, but isn’t likely.) More than likely Sanford will be around
week, consider: could.) Rep. Greg until January 2011 when a new governor
Process. This week, the House S.C. Rep. James Smith, a Richland Delleney, the Chester Republican who is takes office. Until then, lawmakers need
impeachment subcommittee voted 6-1 Democrat on the House subcommittee, pushing hard for Sanford’s impeachment, to deal with Sanford’s embarrassment to
to not recommend impeachment to the voted against impeaching Sanford but said said he’s not giving up. the state quickly, start concentrating on
full House Judiciary Committee. But just he believed the full House needed to settle “I’m not quitting until it’s over.” He South Carolina’s big problems and push the
because a subcommittee says one thing, the issue. “I’ve always felt this was not a said, “As long as I have a breath, I’m going increasingly irrelevant Sanford aside.
a full committee can say another. The decision for seven members of the House,” to proceed.” When asked why, he said,
full committee on Wednesday will take he said in a phone interview. “Impeachment “Because it’s the right thing to do.” Andy Brack, publisher of S.C. Statehouse
up whether to impeach the governor. It’s is a constitutional prerogative of the full On Wednesday, Delleney introduced a Report, can be reached at: brack@
not often a full committee goes against the House.” legal opinion into the record that another statehousereport.com.

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Lets be honest, nothing says the that is what makes this a more fun
Christmas season like industrial show to go to than if it was a metal
(someone was telling me the other show on the 26th.
day that all “industrial” bands that It’s dark but still danceable as
followed the demise of Industrial opposed to just something you can
Records were technically “post- bang your head to. It’s not like
industrial” bands...please give me industrial bands roll into Cola on
a fucking break) I mean after all a weekly basis so please get out
that cheery happy crap with Santa there and support the acts from
Claus and your family it’s good to this region.
have a break. This show provides Sadly, the last industrial show
that outlet. in Cola that jumps to mind for me
The headliner Prognosis is a was Sister Machine Gun and that
December 26th quality synth industrial band out of was a while ago (I am sure I am
Prognosis the ATL. Think Covenant, Funker missing some other shows but no
Vogt or even old FLA or Haujobb. one’s perfect).
No Wasted Motion Plus, there are going to be some
DJ Evelfaery DJs so there is bound to be a
- Norbert Sykes
DJ D darker dance party emerging. And music@columbiacitypaper.com
12 *>0><=  " The Little Mermaid, Photo by Lyon Hill
=1. B.*; # 58,*5
*;=< 9;.?2.@
By Judit Trunkos series Have Sticks Will Travel Tour, where
he will visit various galleries to build
With Columbia’s galleries and artists massive, suspended sculptures from coffee
looking forward to next year, Columbia stirrer sticks, says gallery director Mana
City Paper asked some of the most promi- Hewitt.
nent galler- HoFP Gallery offers a unique combi-
ies and art- nation of regional and global work, from BY DJ KINGPIN-VILLAIN OF VINYL
ARTS NOTEBOOK ists to give traditional southern landscapes to interna-
us a sneak tional modern paintings. Alice Perritt, the Greetings to you! Hope all is well out
peak into the upcoming year’s art events owner of HoFP Gallery, is a professional there. Much has gone down since we last
and projects. Art lovers will be satisfied to framer who brings more than 20 years of shot the breeze. The Vocal Booth is proud
hear that art in Columbia is thriving, and experience in art and custom framing to to wish all of you out there some Happy
next year’s exhibitions and shows will be HoFP Gallery. Perritt brings a style and Holidays — from Hanukkah, Christmas,
better than ever. creativity to her work that has garnered New Years and, of course, Kwanzaa.
Maryellyn Cannizzaro, owner of Art accolades. As the holiday season is upon us, the
+ Cayce, says her space “is dedicated to “HoFP has had a full year,” Perritt music keeps on pumping. Timbaland is
exhibiting art that often eludes a formal says. “We just closed a show of paintings back with another album. OC and AG
venue.” Andrew Norton Weber and Suzy by Maya Eventov that was one of our top (Remember them?) of D.I.T.C. fame have
Scarborough both exhibited there last year three most successful ever.” released their first collabo album in the
and recently received an invitation from Columbia Museum of Art brought vein of Method Man and Redman …
the Ministry of Culture in Ecuador to have amazing shows last year, including the BANGER! Gucci Mane had to undergo
a two-person show in the South American famous Impressionism traveling exhibition his major label release behind bars, but the
nation from December 2009 to January Turner to Cézanne: Masterpieces from streets love it. Rhianna has released her
2010. the Davies Collection and the ongoing fourth album to little fanfare, but she gets
Art + Cacye celebrates new and Ansel Adams: Masterworks photography brownie points for her extremely vivid and
established artists whose work connects show. For the upcoming year, the museum emotional writing, and as expected, Chris
to the Midlands. Plans call for four to six promises artlovers The Chemistry of Color: Brown has flopped. His album is truly
openings each year featuring a gallery Contemporary African-American Artists, having a hard time making any type of
connection with the people. I must say that Snoop Dogg is back with another.
talk. Next year’s planned exhibitions will starting Feb. 5. The show will feature about
feature Larry Racioppo: Photography of 70 paintings, sculptures and works on paper the people have spoken -- beat a woman
and lose your female fans. Women are of loyalty to one’s craft, crew and core
Architectural Ruins in the spring 2010. chronicling the accomplishments of African- audience. The beautifully crafted “Special”
McMaster Gallery at the University of American artists in the second half of the the No. 1 consumers of everything. Not a
smart move. featuring Brandy & Pharell is the perfect
South Carolina exhibits both faculty and 20th century. Among the artists included celebration to those who’ve stood by
student works, but also artists who are not are Benny Andrews, Romare Bearden, Calvin Broadus from day one and still to
part of the USC family. Sam Gilliam, Barkley Hendricks, Jacob Review this day. The Boss Lady, Mrs. Broadus,
Starting Jan. 15, artist Jonathan Lawrence, Howardena Pindell, Faith Back just in time with a great last- is also a big influence on how this album
Brilliant will create a dynamic and engag- Ringgold, Betye Saar and Raymond minute stocking stuffer, and fresh off the was crafted and arranged together. Snoop
ing installation reflecting his interest in the Saunders. release of his critically acclaimed 10th is 10 toes down in love with this woman
effects of labor, performance and materials From May 21 to Sept. 19, the museum studio album, Snoop Dogg has jumped By all means, grab yourself a copy, grab
applied to an exhibition space. This exhibi- will feature Imperial Splendor: Renaissance back in the driver’s seat with his new a Swisher Sweet, and be sure not to forget
tion is part of his cross-country traveling Tapestries from Vienna. album Malice In Wonderland. your favorite poison of choice. This will
Filled with songs about women ensure that you will rock.
(“Gangsta Love,” “Pimpin’ Ain’t EZ”), Go support real music!
his hometown and partying (“I Wanna
Rock,” “1800”), and love locked down
(“Special”), Malice In Wonderland is the Events
perfect addition for the “EastSide Rider” Any artist, musician, band, record
in all of us. label, producer, manager, songwriter, DJ,
With the album coming in 14 songs B-Boy, and overall music lover: If you are
(with 2 interludes) deep and just under 50 looking for some exposure and support
minutes, Snoop Dogg has crafted a jewel. for your project, The Record Report,
From warm, simmering and powerful G- South Carolina’s first and only live radio
Funk melodies reminiscent of Ice Cube’s talk show dedicated to everything music,
Lethal Injection, DJ Quik’s Way 2 Fonky is looking for show guests. Be sure to
and a sprinkle of E-40’s In A Major Way, call 803-546-2319 or send an e-mail to
Malice In Wonderland has a production therecordreport.com@gmail.com. Also be
quality that is definitely a strong suit for on the lookout for The Vocal Booth Year
“The Boss.” End Wrap-Up Issue coming sooner than
If there is a drawback to Malice In you think. More details on the way!
Wonderland, it would be a little too many
songs with weak guest appearances (Soulja Words of Wisdom
Boy, Problem) and no presence of The Thanks for all the love and support.
DPGC Collective (sans DJ EZ D*CK). Have a safe, happy, family-filled holiday.
Malice In Wonderland was an album See you in the New Year!
created by Snoop Dogg as a testament to Be sure to stay sucker-free!
his musical prowess and musical legacy
and current stylistic influence. This is DJ KINGPIN-VILLIAN of VINYL
The work of Ansel Adams is on display at Columbia Museum of Art also an album that celebrates the power kingpinvillianofvinyl@gmail.com
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By Baynard Woods same characters as they helped instigate and
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Radical Conservatives controlled the drug trade, and the assassinations of Martin
country for most of this decade. But last Luther King and Robert Kennedy.
year saw the birth of the Conservative coun- These books are about the heroes of the
terculture. Obama’s election has allowed tea-bag movement, the small-time and often
racists, insurance companies, polluters, Bi- conflicted operatives working with some
ble Beaters, anti-intellectuals, End Timers, loose government sanction. It is hard to
Conspiracy theorists, Birchers, Birthers, believe how insightful Ellroy was. Ellroy’s
Beck, Nativists, red state Red baiters, lob- heroes help us understand the part of the
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equally, or more, was just Rumsfeld
important than the on the other end
leftist counterculture of the podium. The
that was developing. Boston Tea Party
Countercultures was not a demon-
are always represent- stration — it was an
ed as much by style act of destruction,
as by substance. The of radical subver-
historian Richard sion. The tea party
Hofstadter detailed was intended to in-
this style in his book cite revolution.
The Paranoid Style By using this
in American Politics, James Ellroy should be required reading name, Jim DeMint
which came out in for all of us, including the radical right. and his cohort ad-
1964. That paranoid mit their purpose
style is alive again — and in many ways it is to subvert the government of the United
models itself on that previous countercul- States. This is where DeMint gets some of
tural moment. his radical chic. You can almost hear him
This year was the perfect time, then, with his buddies making fun of how square
for the release of Blood’s a Rover, the final his country cousin Lindsey is.
volume of the trilogy that may well be the Sanford’s trip to Argentina was the big
great work of fiction about the right-wing story this year, but perhaps it should have
counterculture, James Ellroy’s Underworld been DeMint’s trip to Honduras. It shows
USA. that DeMint has gone full-retro, embrac-
With this dark and daunting book, Ell- ing Right Wing Latin American coups in
roy, a crime writer known for Black Dahl- open defiance of the U.S. policy. Oh, how it
ia and L.A. Confidential, completes his brings back memories. It almost makes one
strange, disturbing and ultimately compel- giddy. This was the year, remember, when
ling picture of American politics as crime. DeMint and G. Gordon Liddy, Nixon’s Wa-
The trilogy begins with American Tabloid tergate man, came together to say that the
just before the election of John Kennedy president was a Nazi.
and leads to his assassination — an event As it happens, Liddy bears a striking
arranged by two of the book’s main charac- resemblance to James Ellroy. If I were in-
ters. Ellroy’s timing was perfect. American clined to give Wilson and DeMint a gift, I
Tabloid may have chronicled the early six- would definitely buy them Ellroy’s Blood’s
ties, but it came out in 1995, just as the radi- a Rover. And I would recommend it to the
cal right was rising again as an anti-Clinton rest of the country, so we know what we’re
insurgency. The Cold Six Thousand, which talking about when we’re talking about tea-
came out in 2001, followed many of the baggers.
14 -.,.6+.;   "
/.*; 8/ =1. />=>;.
Much has been written this year in political ideas,” said Elijah Siegler, assistant and generally placed on the shelf with 1930s and supported rightwing dictatorships
observance of the birth of Charles Darwin professor of religion at the College of mysticism and witchcraft, became the around the world during the Cold War. In
in 1809 and the Charleston. “George W. Bush was the high- centerpiece of fundamentalist ideology. For American Fascists: The Christian Right
publication of his water mark of fundamentalism in American the fundamentalist, the end of the world is and the War on America, Chris Hedges
monumental work, society.” imminent and nothing else matters. describes how the Republican Party joined
On the Origin of The fundamentalist movement has had a One consequence of this peculiar forces with Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and
Species, in 1859. long and twisting path since it was launched world view, Siegler said, is that most other fundamentalist leaders in the 1970s
Another important a century ago. fundamentalists disregard environmental to put traditional Republicans in control
date — one which Lyman and Milton Stewart were oil warnings and eschew almost all forms of of Washington and put fundamentalist
has gone largely magnates and founders of the Union social and political reform. The important Christians in control of American culture.
unnoticed yet which Oil Co., who took it upon themselves thing for the fundamentalist is to get right Their scheme almost worked. George
is also important to finance seminaries, missionary work with god and prepare to be whooshed up W. Bush served two terms as president
in its perverse way and the publication of Bible tracts and in the Rapture. The world and the people (whether he was elected is still debated),
BY WILL MOREDOCK to the ideas of Christian books. in it are not worth and GOP leaders spoke just a few years ago
our modern world Lyman Stewart’s “THE FUNDAMENTALIST MOVEMENT saving. of a permanent Republican majority in the
— is 1909, the year in which a couple of most ambitious HAS HAD A LONG AND TWISTING PATH You can Congress. A number of factors contributed
oil tycoons met and hired theologian A.C. project was the understand how to the fact that Democrats now hold the
Dixon to produce a series of books called publication of The SINCE IT WAS LAUNCHED.” this theology would White House and the Congress — not least
The Fundamentals. Fundamentals, have a deep appeal of which was the fact the the fundamentalists
Conceived as a reaction to Darwin which encapsulated a lot of free-floating to political and economic conservatives. overplayed their hand after the 2004 election
and the other voices of modernism, The ideas that had been inhabiting the fringe In fact, Siegler suggests the nexus of big and scared a lot of moderates away.
Fundamentals were a collection of 90 American theology for generations. business and religion at the launch of the Fundamentalism is in eclipse as a
essays by prominent American and British Fundamentalism was riding high in the fundamentalist movement is no accident. It political force today, but it is still alive and
clerics, compiled into 12 volumes and decade after publication of its manifesto. has been repeated a number of times in the past well. And like a cancer, it can always return.
published between 1910 and 1915. They It fueled the Red Scare of the 1920s, made century, including in the rise of the Christian It is an authoritarian ideology, an intrinsic
became the intellectual basis of modern war on Catholics and immigrants, imposed right and the emergence of a secretive and intractable enemy of peace and freedom.
fundamentalism. Prohibition on the nation. But Prohibition sect of wealthy and powerful Christian All freedom-loving people should know its
For the past three decades the political was a disaster, and the Scopes “Monkey politicians who operate out of a house on signs and be wary of its dangers.
and cultural movement collectively known Trial” was a deep embarrassment to the C Street in Washington, D.C. In his book,
as the Christian right has been powered in movement. Fundamentalism withdrew The Family: The Secret Fundamentalism at Read Will Moredock’s blog at www.
large part by the ideas of fundamentalism. from the mainstream, becoming politically the Heart of American Power, Jeff Sharlet charlestoncitypaper.com/blogs/thegoodfight.
Adherents of these principles generally and culturally marginal until it reemerged a d e s c r i b e s
will tell you that they are following ancient half-century later as the Christian right. how this
doctrine; in truth, much of their ideology — A chief characteristic of fundamentalism g r o u p
including the Rapture and Second Coming is its obsession with the End Times and w o r k e d
— is actually quite recent. Second Coming. Those cryptic passages a g a i n s t
“(Fundamentalism) is the intellectual from Revelation, which mainstream FDR’s New
underpinning of a lot of modern social and Christians have scratched their heads over Deal in the

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¡Ask a Mexican!
SPECIAL VIRGIN OF
GUADALUPE EDITION
Dear Mexican: As a to steal more of Mexico all
Chicano/Mexican, I have the way down to San Luís
lost my faith in God. While Potosí.
they take pride in their
country like everyone Dear Mexican: How did
else and like to make Looney Tunes characters
frequent jokes, Mexicans enter the Mexican cultural
are generally very humble pantheon alongside la
(poor) people. Isn’t God virgencita as an image to
supposed to be on the side wear on your T-shirt, glued
of the poor and humble? to your dashboard and
Why is it that Mexico always tattooed onto your skin?
loses fútbol matches to a BY GUSTAVO ARELLANO Don’t get me wrong — I was
generally rich, arrogant into cartoons when I was a
people (Americans) who don’t even care kid, but it’s just weird to see grown men
about the sport? Why is it we start the and women sporting cartoon characters
swine-flu epidemic, which can be the next on their jean jackets and bracero biceps. Is
bubonic plague, and get natural disasters it that they always have little kids running
ALL THE TIME? This reminds me of the around, so cartoons are the only thing on
saying “Poor Mexico — so far from God, TV? Moreover, this is something Mexicans
so close to the United States!” Do you think seem to share with certain sectors of the
Mexicans are coming up as God’s next gabacho lower class. What explains this
“chosen people” and going strange adult fascination
to get it as bad as the Jews with Looney Tunes?
have over the centuries? Gabacho Loon
Still Believing In the
Virgen de Guadalupe, But Dear Gabacho: As I’ve
Not So Sure About the Big written before, Mexicans
Papi Upstairs... love the Warner Bros. stable
of caricaturas (custodians
Dear Wab: We are the of Cervantes: I know this
Chosen Juans — have been isn’t the exact translation
for generations. After all, of the Spanish word for
the Jews never got away animated cartoons, but this
with calling their boys is the word mami y papi
Guadalupe andSalvador used to describe them, so
and girls Jesusita — hell, vayanse a la chingada)
the more orthodox of them because they personify
don’t even have the huevos the Trickster, the universal
to say G-d! And there are archetype who uses mayhem
more anti-Mexican slurs and wits to wriggle his way
used by gabachos in the
present day than there are
against judios, which are
through tough situations.
But that doesn’t explain
the almost-as-popular use
=>.<-*B<
necessary lumps God forces of Disney characters such Slice Night
upon the meek — or did you El Ratón — so Mexican. as Winnie the Pooh, Goofy $1.25
already forget the Sermón and the various princesses
on the Mount? But you among wabs. I would offer a
really think we’re going to get it as bad as Mexican-specific response, but your final
the heebs? Ever heard of the Holocaust? point regarding similarities between wabs
=1>;<-*B<
Pogroms? Henry Ford? The genocide of and rednecks, coupled with the disturbing 2 for 1
America’s indigenous was horrendous, as popularity of anything Disney by too Medium 2 toppings
are modern-day deportations suffered by muchos adults in the United States, show
our undocumented, but Jews have been that this is a small mundo after all — sorry (Dine in Only!)
dealing with that crap since the days of to offer such a Mickey Mouse response,
the pharaoh, so they’re centuries ahead readers, but when it comes to El Ratón, the
of us in the persecution game — and it’s more you can disparage him, the better.
not one we really want to win, you know?
I am glad, however, that you compared Ask the Mexican at themexican@ 341 S. Woodrow St.
Mexis to Jews and not Palestinians like askamexican.net or myspace.com/ocwab. (Corner of Woodrow and Rosewood)
most Chicano yaktivists do, since the Or write to him at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O.
Palestinians’ plight is its own demented Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433. Find
chingadera that nosotros wouldn’t be able him on Facebook and Twitter!
to comprehend even if the U.S. went on
16 -.,.6+.;   "
803.252.6931
SavageLove Sex Advice
by Dan Savage

I am a 23-year-old male who has been I’m a straight guy in my late 20s. I have
in a relationship with a great woman for a girlfriend of several years whom I live
four years now. She is an amazing person, with and I love very much. I just read your
and we oftentimes talk about marriage. The most recent column, in which you used the
issue is this: I have a foot fetish and she is acronyms HND (honest nonmonogamous
fully aware of it. She doesn’t like the idea of dude) and CPOS (cheating piece of
me kissing her feet or indulging my fetish in shit), and it struck a nerve. I have never
any way. We have sex quite often, and I’ve been an HND; I have in the past been a
always let it slide that she doesn’t want any CPOS (though not in this relationship).
part of my fetish. I don’t know what to do, My girlfriend is lovely, supportive, and
because I’m at a stage in my sexual growth generally GGG, and though the sex is good,
where I need to experience my fetish. I’m I have a significantly higher libido than
getting mixed advice from different people she does and I would like to have a little
and I just want a straight answer. The sex more variety in my sex life. I want to be an
we have is amazing, but I would enjoy it so HND, but I don’t know how to broach the
much more if I could act on my desires once subject with the girlfriend without ruining
in a while. our relationship. We are very open about
Sexually Frustrated Fetishist our sex life and our relationship in general,
but I think this is probably a “next level”
Here’s a straight answer: Your amazing topic that may not go over very well. How
girlfriend is an amazingly selfish lover, divorce. do I bring this up without screwing up our
and I’m amazed that you’ve put up with relationship beyond repair?
her bullshit for as long as you have. A foot I am a 35-year-old partnered gay man, Aspiring Honest Nonmonogamous
fetish is not uncommon or outrageous; as but I’ve been having an online conversation Dude
fetishes go, SFF, yours is the least taxing for with a married bisexual man that has become
a nonkinky partner. It’s not like you’re into an ongoing game of sexual dares. It’s a safe Based on what you’ve learned about
shit or choking or Christian side hugs. Any form of sexual adventurism for both of yourself in past relationships, AHND, i.e.,
amazing woman who truly loved you would us. None of our dares has involved sexual that you’re a CPOS waiting to happen, I
regard indulging you as a no-brainer. contact with another person, but some of our would encourage you to err on the side
Share time: I have a good friend who’s dares have begun to involve other people at of screwing up your current relationship
not kinky at all—unless you count being the edges. For example, we’ve posted ads with an honest conversation about your
gay—and he’s a runner who goes for long to Craigslist as submissives and responded mismatched libidos and your natural and
runs every Saturday morning. When he gets to some of the replies from dominant men. normal desire for a little variety. Lies, damn
home, he handcuffs his boyfriend to a chair None of these interactions with third parties lies, and statistics all demonstrate that, in
in his kitchen, duct-tapes one of his sweaty will result in actual contact. It feels a little time, one or the other or both of you will
sneakers over the boyfriend’s face, and like we are exploiting the “flakes” aspect cheat. Better to toss that out there now,
leaves him there while he has breakfast. My of Craigslist, i.e., it’s common to hear from even at the risk of calmly winding down
friend—who came to me for advice when someone a few times after making contact this relationship before you revert to form/
his boyfriend confessed his fetish—isn’t on Craigslist and then never hear from CPOS, than to see the relationship explode
really into guys with sneakers duct-taped to them again. But it also feels a little like we after someone, most likely you, winds up
their faces. But it gets his lover off, andisn’t are using these folks. Is this expansion of cheating.
that what lovers are for? our game to involve other people ethical? And while we’re on the subject of

=>.<-*B<
Your lover has had things—she’s had Concerned About Harming Craigslist cheating...
you—on her terms for four years, SFF, Fellas I suppose I’m obligated to say a few
which means you’re going to have to play P.S. This letter is itself part of a dare. words about Tiger Woods. First, let’s
the breakup card. It’s the only leverage you If you publish it and include a dare in the pretend that Elin Nordegren cheated on Slice Night
have. Tell her that if she can indulge your Tiger and that Tiger went after Elin with a
fetish—happily and regularly—and take
reply, I will have to fulfill that dare.
golf club. Would Elin be viewed as the sole
$1.25
some pleasure in giving you pleasure, she The expansion of your game to Craigslist transgressor in the marriage then? Probably
might be “the one.” If she can’t or won’t,
she obviously isn’t. (Not that “the one” is
will annoy those guys on CL who are not. And second, daily papers and cable news
looking for actual contact, CAHCF, but outfits reacted to Tiger’s “transgressions”
=1>;<-*B<
anything other than a destructive myth, but as those guys amount to something less by changing the names in the same “Why 2 for 1
for the sake of winning this argument, go than 0.02 percent of the men trawling do powerful men cheat?” stories they’ve
ahead and use it.) Craigslist at any given moment, I wouldn’t been pimping since Bill Clinton blew a load
Medium 2 toppings
Finally, SFF, don’t let the girlfriend—or worry about it. Everyone knows that CL on a White House intern. For the millionth (Dine in Only!)
anyone else—tell you that you’re threatening is overrun with flakes and game players time: Men cheat for the same reasons
to end this relationship over something and picture collectors; the odds that the women cheat, i.e., because they’re bored
trivial. Sexual fulfillment is important, “dominant men” you’ve chatted with on or horny or unfulfilled or desperate to see
particularly if your relationship is exclusive. CL are interested in actual contact are pretty someone else naked for a change. People
And the “triviality” of your kink cuts both
ways: If your kink is so trivial, why not
damn slim. (Guys interested in real-time cheat because monogamy isn’t natural and 341 S. Woodrow St.
BDSM play are likelier to be lurking on we are wired to cheat. That doesn’t make (Corner of Woodrow and Rosewood)
just indulge you then? And in a long-term Recon.com or in your local hardware store.) cheating right, of course; people should
relationship—or a marriage—one partner’s So post at will. honor their commitments, and blah-de-
sexual selfishness and another’s sexual P.S. I dare you to go to www.tinyurl. nine-iron-blah. But we shouldn’t encourage
frustration rarely prove trivial over the
long haul. They’re more often grounds for
com/ye3otsh and take the pledge. people to make commitments we all know
they’re unlikely to keep. The end. 803.252.6931
-.,.6+.;   " 17
387.<27™ ,;8<<@8;-<
“Best of the Decade, Pt.1”--starting with 2000-2001.
Across Kameron 27 Angel in Mormon history
1 Health services provider for 53 Swedish politician Olof assas- 30 “Hey, wait a ___!”
seniors sinated in 1986 31 “Kill Bill” star Thurman
9 Goa garments 54 “Knowing” star Nicolas 32 Course goal
14 Vaporize 55 Talk show ending in 2011 34 Belize’s capital
15 Dog tag, e.g.: abbr. 57 Compact that made Car & 35 She sings “Don’t Cry for Me,
16 OutKast album that rated #1 on Driver’s Best Car of 2001 list Argentina”
Metacritic’s Top Albums of 2000 60 Rhone tributary 36 Ending for demo or Dixie
17 Island in the Mediterranean 61 Complaint when the lights are 37 “Ah, whatever” follower
18 It can get high every day out 40 House Speaker Nancy
19 Spine-chilling 62 Belly button that collects lint 41 Greek god with a lyre, to the
21 Yellowfin tuna variety 63 Bases, chemically speaking French
22 Denom. of South Carolina’s 42 Grp. once battled by Jesse
Allen University Down Helms
23 His “Goblet of Fire” was Ama- 1 Personal period 44 Showed up on (the cover of)
zon.com’s #1 best-selling book of 2 Dodgy sort? 45 Defends one’s side
2000 3 Comedian Cook 46 Current Palm products
26 Language that gives us 4 Tats 48 Like Santa’s helpers
“schadenfreude” 5 Fortune magazine subj., perhaps 49 Oil company that merged with
28 Pissed-off looks 6 “Up” actor Ed BP
29 Confesses (to) 7 More wintry 50 Played on TV Land
33 H, in a fraternity 8 Sweetums 54 “___ fan tutte”
34 With “The,” sitcom that made 9 San ___, CA (Hearst Castle 56 Folk rocker DiFranco
Time’s 10 Best TV Series of 2001 locale) 58 CSI sample
list 10 Palindromic Oklahoma city 59 U.S. consumer protection agcy.
38 Bolivian president Morales 11 Be sympathetic with
39 “Pig’s blood at the prom” movie 12 How sugar is sometimes served ©2009 Jonesin’Crosswords (edi-
40 Be ready for 13 Elevator alternative tor@jonesincrosswords.com)
43 May-December difference, 16 Men-only For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-
perhaps 20 Numerical Internet addresses: 900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute.
47 Gamespy.com’s PC Game of abbr. Must be 18+. Or to bill to
the Year, 2001 23 Kate Hudson’s mom Goldie your credit card, call: 1-800-655-
51 Junkyard dog’s warning 24 Years, to Nero 6548. Reference puzzle #0445.
52 Former Texas Rangers pitcher 25 [snicker]

18 -.,.6+.;   "
-.,.6+.;   " 19