The following book review appeared in the newsletter of the Association for Couples in Marriage Enrichment.

Click here for an exercise based on Principle 1.

The even Principles !or Making Marriage "ork
b# $ohn %ottman& Ph.'. and (an ilver
Crown Publishers& )nc. (ew *ork& +,1 pages -- 1...
A /ook 0eview b# /ea trickland
'r. $ohn %ottman& professor of ps#cholog# at the 1niversit# of "ashington and founder of the eattle Marital
and !amil# )nstitute& has studied hundreds of couples in ama2ing detail. 3e watched and recorded couples
interacting in comfort and during arguments and is able to predict with .14 accurac# whether a couple will
divorce.
3e5s written about the seven principles that he believes will prevent a marriage from breaking up.
!irst& he points out signs of trouble6
A harsh start to a complaint
Criticism6 being negative about character or personalit# or name calling.
Contempt6 sarcasm& sneering& hostile humor& put-downs.
'efensiveness
tonewalling6 refusing to talk.
!looding6 becoming overwhelmed emotionall# with adrenaline pumping and heartbeat raised.
!ailed repair attempts6 re7ected apologies& unable to de-escalate the tension
/ad memories6 forgetting or rewriting past happiness.
Then he goes on to describe his seven principles. The chapters describing the principles have wonderful&
extensive exercises which would be a delight to use as a couple or in a group. A couple could use 8uestions as
a game or a conversation starter during a walk or at dinner.
The first principle& Enhance Your Love Maps& is about knowing #our spouse ver# well. )t suggests knowing
da# to da# habits and values as well as histor#. A 8uestion might be about a partner5s best friends or current
stresses.
The second principle is Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration which 'r. %ottman believes is the antidote
to contempt.
The third principle is Turn Toward Each Other. Connect with each other in chitchat& acknowledge and
respond to comments and bids for attention. Agree with #our partner as much as #ou can and build #our
friendship.
Principle four is Let Your Partner Influence You. 'on5t let #our need to be right stop #ou from hearing the
insight& truth or possibilit# of #our partner5s suggestions. Contrar# to the publicit# this idea received it doesn5t
mean &sa#ing 9*es& dear.9 alwa#s& but in accepting that #our partner5s point of view has merit. :earn from each
other& #ield and become a team. Considerable time is spent discussing the difference between solvable
problems and perpetual problems.
3e names principle five& Solve Your Solvale Prolems. 3ere he recommends6 soften #our start up of
complaints; learn to make and accept repair attempts when disagreements are escalating; soothe #ourself and
each other; be tolerant of each other5s faults.
$ohn %ottman has made comments to the press and in speeches that communication skills are not all that
valuable& that people don5t or can5t use them. )n the chapter on solving problems& however& he suggests 9)
statements9 to soften the startup and de-escalate tension. %ottman also uses active listening <though not b#
that name= to understand a partner5s viewpoint.
Principle ix is Overcome !ridloc". %ottman sa#s to keep working on the unresolvable problems. *ou5ll be
more satisfied than if #ou give up on them. ometimes #ou are each entrenched in #our own need. )f #ou can
begin to dialog about the dreams that fuel #our desires& the understanding ma# point to possible solutions to
#our problem.
The last principle& #reate Shared Meanin$is about values and growth in the relationship. 9Marriage isn5t 7ust
about raising kids. splitting chores and making love. )t can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with
creating an inner life together -- a culture rich with s#mbols and rituals& and an appreciation for the roles and
goals that link #ou& that lead #ou to understand what it means to be a part of the famil# #ou have become.9
0ight up to the last page there are exercises to enhance #our relationship> $ohn %ottman suggests the 9Magic
!ive 3ours9 per week to keep #our marriage alive and wonderful. pend time in stress reducing
conversations& having a date& giving admiration& appreciation and affection along with keeping up with #our
partner5s da# to da# 7o#s and challenges.
)t was with some trepidation that ) began this book because each time ) heard $ohn %ottman speak or read
about him& ) understood that he thought communication skills weren5t indicative of success or helpful to a
lasting relationship. Ma#be ) was too sensitive to those comments because ) believe he substantiates with
ever#thing that A.C.M.E. believes and teaches. 3e suggests communication on a great variet# of sub7ects and
levels. ) can5t wait to use this book in a group and to do more of the exercises with $im.
"ho Am )
An exercise based on Principle )& Enhance Your Love Maps
Set aside %& ' (& minutes for this e)ercise*
tep ). Print out this page. "ith #our partner& read the material and select one topic to discuss. Each of
#ou ma# select a different topic.
tep )). "rite for 1? minutes on the topic. *ou don5t need to write on all the areas that 'r. %ottman
suggests -- 7ust on one or two of those that #ou want to discuss at this time.
tep ))). wap papers with #our spouse and discuss #our responses. %ive each partner 1? minutes to
talk. "hen #our partner is talking& use #our listening skills. 'on@t argue& don@t give advice& don@t add
or subtract& don@t talk about #our opinions or feelings -- 7ust listen.
At another time
!inish the discussion. At a convenient time& take up some more of the 8uestions& either writing and talking& or
7ust talking.
The following material is excerpted from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work b# $ohn M.
%ottman& Ph.'. and (an ilver.
The more #ou know about each other5s inner world& the more profound and rewarding #our relationship will
be. This 8uestionnaire is designed both& to guide #ou through some self-exploration and to help #ou share this&
exploration with #our partner. "ork on this exercise even if #ou and #our spouse consider #ourselves open
books. There5s alwa#s more to know about each other. :ife changes us& so neither of #ou ma# be the same
person who spoke those wedding vows two& ten& or fift# #ears ago.
Man# of the 8uestions in this exercise are powerful. Please make sure #ou have enough time and privac# to do
them 7ustice. )n fact& it ma# be best to reserve this exercise for an uninterrupted stretch when #ou do not have
work to do& deadlines to meet& phone calls to answer& or children <or an#bod# else= to look after. Most likel#
#ou won5t be able to complete this 8uestionnaire in one sitting& nor should #ou tr#. )nstead& break it up b#
sections and do it slowl#& over time together.
Answer the 8uestions in each section as candidl# as #ou can& *ou don5t have to answer ever# aspect of each
8uestion -- 7ust respond to the parts that are relevant to #our life. "rite #our answers in #our private 7ournal or
notebook. )f writing so much is hard& #ou can do it in outline form -- but the process of writing this down is
important to the success of the exercise. "hen #ou5re read#& exchange notebooks and share with each other
what #ou have written. 'iscuss each other5s entries and what this added knowledge implies for #our marriage
and the deepening of #our friendship.
M+ Triumphs and Strivin$s
1. "hat has happened in #our life that #ou are particularl# proud ofA "rite about #our ps#chological
triumphs& times when things went even better than #ou expected& periods when #ou came through trials and
tribulations even better off. )nclude periods of stress and duress that #ou survived and mastered& small events
that ma# still be of great importance to #ou& events from #our childhood or the recent past& self-created
challenges #ou met& periods when #ou felt powerful& glories and victories& wonderful friendships #ou
maintained& and so on.
+. 3ow have these successes shaped #our lifeA 3ow have the# affected the wa# #ou think of #ourself and #our
capabilitiesA 3ow have the# affected #our goals and the things #ou strive forA
B. "hat role has pride <that is& feeling proud& being praised& expressing praise for others= pla#ed in #our lifeA
'id #our parents show #ou that the# were proud of #ou when #ou were a childA 3owA 3ow have other people
responded to #our accomplishmentsA
C. 'id #our parents show #ou that the# loved #ouA 3owA "as affection readil# expressed in #our famil#A )f
not& what are the effects and implications of this for #our marriageA
D. "hat role does pride in #our accomplishments pla# in #our marriageA "hat role do #our own strivings
have in #our marriageA "hat do #ou want #our partner to know and understand about these aspects of #our
self& #our past& present& and plans for the futureA 3ow do #ou show pride in one anotherA
M+ In,uries and -ealin$s
1. "hat difficult events or periods have #ou gone throughA "rite about an# significant ps#chological insults
and in7uries #ou have sustained& #our losses& disappointments& trials& and tribulations. )nclude periods of stress
and duress& as well as an# 8uieter periods of despair& hopelessness& and loneliness.
Also include an# deep traumas #ou have undergone as a child or adult. !or example& harmful relationships&
humiliating events& even molestation& abuse& rape& or torture.
+. 3ow have #ou survived these traumasA "hat are their lasting effects on #ouA
B. 3ow did #ou strengthen and heal #ourselfA 3ow did #ou redress #our grievancesA 3ow did #ou revive and
restore #ourselfA
C. 3ow did #ou gird and protect #ourself against this ever happening againA
D. 3ow do these in7uries and the wa#s #ou protect and heal #ourself affect #our marriage toda#A "hat do #ou
want #our partner to know and understand about these aspects of #our selfA
M+ Emotional .orld
1. 3ow did #our famil# express the following when #ou were a child6
Anger
adness
!ear
Affection
)nterest in one another
+. 'uring #our childhood& did #our famil# have to cope with a particular emotional problem& such as
aggression between parents& a depressed parent& or a parent who was somewhat emotionall# woundedA "hat
implications does this have for #our marriage and #our other close relationships <friendships& relationships
with #our parents& #our siblings& #our children=A
B. "hat is #our own philosoph# about expressing feelings& particularl# sadness& anger& fear& pride& and loveA
Are an# of these difficult for #ou to express or to see expressed b# #our spouseA "hat is the basis of #our
perspective on thisA
C. "hat differences exist between #ou and #our spouse in the area of expressing emotionA "hat is behind
these differencesA "hat are the implications of these differences for #ouA
M+ Mission and Le$ac+
1. )magine that #ou are standing in a grave#ard looking at #our own tombstone. (ow write the epitaph #ou
would like to see there. /egin with the words6 93ere lies ...9
+. "rite #our own obituar#. <)t does not have to be brief.= 3ow do #ou want people to think of #our life& to
remember #ouA
B. (ow #ou5re read# to write a mission statement for #our own life. "hat is the purpose of #our lifeA "hat is
its meaningA "hat are #ou tr#ing to accomplishA "hat is #our larger struggleA
C. "hat legac# would #ou like to leave when #ou dieA
D. "hat significant goals have #ou #et to reali2eA This can be creating something& or having a particular
experience. Minor examples are learning to pla# the ban7o& climbing a mountain& and so on. Take a moment
now to reflect on what #ou have 7ust written. "e are all involved in becoming the person we most want to be.
)n that struggle we all have demons to fight and overcome.
.hat I .ant To /ecome
1. 'escribe the person #ou want to become.
+. 3ow can #ou best help #ourself become that personA
B. "hat struggles have #ou alread# faced in tr#ing to become that personA
C. "hat demons in #ourself have #ou had to fightA Er still have to fightA
D. "hat would #ou most like to change about #ourselfA
F. "hat dreams have #ou denied #ourself or failed to developA
,. "hat do #ou want #our life to be like in five #earsA
G. "hat is the stor# of the kind of person #ou would like to beA
To visit 'r. %ottman5s web site at www.gottman.com