How to Resolve Family Conflicts - The Art of Setting Boundaries

Human intelligence ranks as one of the broadest terms. I.Q is one of the aspects that can test ones
intelligence much as various aspects of our lives also require intelligence. Over a decade ago, Daniel
Goldman determined that there is emotional intelligence, physical intelligence, social intelligence and so
on. For a kid to fulfill their potential, various abilities will have to come into play. For instance, a kid
possessing high IQ but low frustration threshold might achieve lower results compared to a kid with low
IQ but high frustration threshold.
In this column, I would like to talk about the skill of separation, which an aspect of intelligence that is less
recognizable. The skill of separation is the capacity to see things for what they really are, separate and
detach an issue, or a person, from the situation or surrounding enjoinment. I will demonstrate how family
conflicts can be resolved utilizing the skill of separation.
A couple of years back, Zoe, then 8 years old, had a persistent propensity to forget things she needed for
school. She would call her mom-at least once in a week- with a near sorrowful voice, requesting that she
should get her the math exercise, the English book, and even the sports shoes she had forgotten at home,
since they would be required within an hours time. Owing to the fact that we live near the school as well
as the fact that my wife found it hard to say no, she often obliged to Zoes requests.
Was she acting in a manner that served our daughters interests better? This might have worked in the
short term but definitely not in the long term. The impression that she gave Zoe meant that her daughter
did not see the need to change her behavior.
The dearth of the skill of separation meant that my wife could not say no to Zoe. When Zoe, who had
perfected the art of sounding miserable since she knew she would succeed, called in her miserable voice,
my wife was filled with maternal emotions that hazed her mind making her rush to the school each and
every time.
The feelings that she had as well as the difficulty to reconcile with the fact that Zoe had to bear with the
consequences of her actions rendered her to act in a manner that sabotaged her long term objectives the
wellbeing of her daughter facilitated by Zoe's ability to take responsibility.
She began to separate herself and her own difficulty from the situation after realizing that what she was
doing was selfish. This enabled her to discover what the right thing was for Zoe in the situation, which
then enabled her to gather the emotional strength to do the right thing by her. I once witnessed when she
answered with a no go one of Zoes requests which was to bring a lunchbox she had forgotten at home.
She painfully bit her lips and composedly said, I trust you to find a solution.

Does this mean that Zoe stayed hungry that day? The answer is definitely no since she had friends who
had carried lunch, which they shared with her. Since then, Zoe has rarely forgotten her things at home. She
had acquired the life skill of taking responsibility.
Minus having to bear the consequences of our actions, our kids will never learn how to take responsibility.
Therefore, we as parents, ought to separate ourselves from the situation, move away from our own
difficulty and watch as they experience the unpleasant outcomes of their doings, and then do what is right
by them. Obviously we should let them experience the 'unpleasant outcomes of their doings' to the degree
we are not causing them more harm than good by doing so.
This, ladies and gentlemen, forms the gentle art of boundaries formation. You create an understanding
with your kid about house chores, number of hours of daily cellphone usage or any other subject and once
this agreement is breached, an agreed sanction is imposed. Of course it is natural for you to feel
uncomfortable with imposing the sanction but if you appropriately detached yourself from the situation,
you will be able to do the right thing-the way my wife did with Zoe.
I havent employed gentle with regard to the art of boundary creation in futility. Any interactions with
our kids should be as gentle as boundaries. In order to set a boundary, shouting as well as physical
engagement are not necessary. Conversely, boundaries are far more effective if they are set in a manner
that is both assertive and accurate. When you are calm you will act from an accurate place. Ego driven
action is normally loud but soul driven action is calm.
You will be allowed to do the right thing only if you refine your ability to separate. The right thing at times
changes according to circumstances but if you feel, from an inner calm place, that though a understanding
was broken, that a sanction should not be imposed this time, then this is what you need to do. The skill of
separation will facilitate your mental flexibility.
I guess I do not need to explain how the skill of separation will benefit your kid, your relationship and
even yourself.
By separating yourself from the situation you won't only better resolve family Conflict, you'll lower the
number of times such a conflict erupts and you'll teach your kid this vitally poignant intelligence. If you
develop this skill, you will very soon realize that the issue of how to settle family conflict crops up not so
often since the conflicts will be fewer.
Even as intelligence possesses multifarious aspects so are the means to resolve family conflict, yet
separation remains the solid step in the right direction.