1

00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,633

This is where I sit.

2
00:00:01,634 --> 00:00:04,134
Right on. Good location.

3
00:00:04,969 --> 00:00:06,170
What else?

4
00:00:06,171 --> 00:00:08,670
That's the sink.

5
00:00:08,706 --> 00:00:11,340
If you put your thumb over the hole,
you can squirt water

6
00:00:11,341 --> 00:00:14,675
all the way over to the other side
of the room.

00:00:14,676 --> 00:00:16,009

Cool.

8
00:00:16,010 --> 00:00:19,579
I'm not allowed to use the sink anymore.

9
00:00:19,580 --> 00:00:21,813
Got it.

10
00:00:21,814 --> 00:00:28,350
-So, what's the deal with your teacher?
-Miss Tuttle? She's very strict.

11
00:00:28,351 --> 00:00:30,851
That could work.

12
00:00:31,421 --> 00:00:33,354
Did you see this drawing our son made?

13
00:00:33,355 --> 00:00:36,190
It's a cry for his parents

to get back together.

14
00:00:36,191 --> 00:00:39,292
Alan, it's Davy Crockett at the Alamo.

15
00:00:39,293 --> 00:00:42,782
I know. Breaks your heart, doesn't it?

16
00:00:43,262 --> 00:00:45,029
I can see you got your brother here.

17
00:00:45,030 --> 00:00:48,631
Yeah, he wasn't thrilled about it,
but he can't say no to Jake.

18
00:00:48,632 --> 00:00:52,201
And I kind of implied that Miss Tuttle
was a bit of a freak.

19
00:00:52,202 --> 00:00:53,468
Excuse me?

20
00:00:53,469 --> 00:00:57,837
You wanted me to get him here.
He's here. The rest is up to you.

21
00:00:57,838 --> 00:01:00,039
So, come on. You gonna introduce me?

22
00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:02,540
-What for?
-She's your teacher.

23
00:01:02,541 --> 00:01:06,810
You're my nephew. I feel like...
Come on, just do it.

24
00:01:06,811 --> 00:01:09,545
Don't you want to see my model
of a California mission?

25
00:01:09,546 --> 00:01:11,881

-It's made of sugar cubes.

-Okay.

26
00:01:11,882 --> 00:01:14,581
First your mission, then mine.

27
00:01:15,184 --> 00:01:18,151
May I have everyone's attention? Hello.

28
00:01:18,152 --> 00:01:21,191
I'm Judith Harper, the class mom.

29
00:01:25,257 --> 00:01:28,892
I just want to thank you all for coming.
This is a great turnout.

30
00:01:28,893 --> 00:01:31,392
Give yourselves a hand.

31
00:01:35,597 --> 00:01:38,432
I understand you teachers

are sadly underpaid.

32
00:01:38,433 --> 00:01:40,499
That's very true.

33
00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:44,829
I'd like to do my part.
Can I buy you dinner?

34
00:01:45,237 --> 00:01:47,805
So please feel free to put your name
on the sign-up sheets

35
00:01:47,806 --> 00:01:51,040
if you're available
for carpools, coaching, fieldtrips.

36
00:01:51,041 --> 00:01:52,541
Charlie Harper.

37
00:01:52,542 --> 00:01:56,340

Jake's uncle, mentor, pal.

38
00:02:02,881 --> 00:02:05,583
And finally, and this is a biggie, folks.

39
00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:07,784
It looks as if we're gonna have to cancel

40
00:02:07,785 --> 00:02:11,621
our annual music show
for our fourth graders.

41
00:02:11,622 --> 00:02:16,090
Unless someone with music experience
volunteers to help us out.

42
00:02:16,091 --> 00:02:18,752
Anyone? Anyone at all?

43
00:02:19,927 --> 00:02:21,960
-Charlie?

-Yeah.

44
00:02:21,961 --> 00:02:25,140
Thank you. Charlie Harper, everyone.

45
00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:34,901
What?

46
00:02:48,046 --> 00:02:50,113
Go ahead, say it.

47
00:02:50,114 --> 00:02:52,980
You traitorous, rat bastard.

48
00:02:53,082 --> 00:02:56,244
Good. You feel better?

49
00:02:57,085 --> 00:03:00,220
You set me up. You lured me
into that classroom

50
00:03:00,221 --> 00:03:02,821
with promises of donuts
and loose women.

51
00:03:02,822 --> 00:03:07,291
I'm sorry. I honestly thought
there'd be donuts.

52
00:03:07,592 --> 00:03:10,460
What about Miss Tuttle? The freak?

53
00:03:10,461 --> 00:03:13,770
She's a married Christian missionary!

54
00:03:14,263 --> 00:03:17,754
Okay, that I just lied about.

55
00:03:18,333 --> 00:03:21,067
But it was for a good cause.
The kids really need you.

56
00:03:21,068 --> 00:03:24,303
Yeah, but see, here's the problem.
I don't like kids.

57
00:03:24,304 --> 00:03:28,139
-You like Jake.
-Jake's different. He's cool. He's our kid.

58
00:03:28,140 --> 00:03:30,639
The rest of them.

59
00:03:31,842 --> 00:03:35,780
-What other kids do you know?
-I see them.

60
00:03:35,945 --> 00:03:38,379
Having tantrums in supermarkets,

61
00:03:38,380 --> 00:03:43,177
screaming in movie theaters,
making everything sticky.

62
00:03:44,850 --> 00:03:49,018
And the whole world gives them
a free ride just because they're cute.

63
00:03:49,019 --> 00:03:52,021
Okay. Forget about the kids.
Do this for me and Judith.

64
00:03:52,022 --> 00:03:54,456
Not really a big Judith fan, either.

65
00:03:54,457 --> 00:03:56,525
Come on. You'll write the music and lyrics.

66
00:03:56,526 --> 00:04:00,727
Judith and l
will produce and direct. Together.

67
00:04:00,728 --> 00:04:02,995
Hold on.

68
00:04:02,996 --> 00:04:05,630
So you roped me into this
because you think

69
00:04:05,631 --> 00:04:08,732
that the three of us collaborating
on a fourth-grade tribute

70
00:04:08,733 --> 00:04:12,635
to the lndustrial Revolution will somehow
lead to you getting back together

71
00:04:12,636 --> 00:04:15,545
with your allegedly gay ex-wife?

72
00:04:16,072 --> 00:04:20,540
It's easy to make anything
sound stupid, Charlie.

73
00:04:20,541 --> 00:04:24,343

Look, we're still legally married.

Frankly, I don't buy the whole gay thing.

74
00:04:24,344 --> 00:04:31,302
A gay woman would not fake orgasms
for 12 years just to protect my feelings.

75
00:04:31,816 --> 00:04:34,565
Okay. Take off your seat belt.

76
00:04:34,651 --> 00:04:36,718
-Why?
-Because when I slam on the brakes,

77
00:04:36,719 --> 00:04:40,487
I want to watch you
go through the windshield.

78
00:04:40,488 --> 00:04:43,823
Don't be silly. Do you know how fast
you'd have to be going to...

79
00:04:43,824 --> 00:04:46,324
Hey, slow down.

80
00:04:48,693 --> 00:04:51,872
Manpower, horsepower, coal and steam

81
00:04:52,029 --> 00:04:54,968
Moving forward the American dream

82
00:04:55,264 --> 00:04:58,255
Electric, atomic, solar, too

83
00:04:58,367 --> 00:05:01,665
All this energy for me and you

84
00:05:05,004 --> 00:05:09,073
-I want to like it.
-Yeah, want to like it.

85
00:05:10,908 --> 00:05:13,776

-But?
-But I just don't think it's your best work.

86
00:05:13,777 --> 00:05:16,277
It's not. Fire me, please.

87
00:05:16,612 --> 00:05:19,780
Do you remember that show
that you and I did in college?

88
00:05:19,781 --> 00:05:21,714
Stormy Weather? Sure.

89
00:05:21,715 --> 00:05:23,950
-Now, those songs had a point of view.
-Yeah.

90
00:05:23,951 --> 00:05:26,251
And you couldn't get them
out of your head.

91

00:05:26,252 --> 00:05:29,550

Co-ed bathrooms, co-ed bathrooms

92
00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:33,288
Wear your flip-flops
in the co-ed bathrooms

93
00:05:33,289 --> 00:05:36,417
Stuff grows on the floor there

94
00:05:36,525 --> 00:05:39,964
And whoops! There's another pubic hair

95
00:05:43,196 --> 00:05:46,866
See? Maybe the easiest way to do this
is for us to write the actual song.

96
00:05:46,867 --> 00:05:50,200
Yeah. Then Charlie could just toss in
the specific notes and stuff.

97

00:05:50,201 --> 00:05:53,190

Yeah, Charlie, what do you think?

98
00:05:53,971 --> 00:05:57,539
Okay, then I guess it's just the two of us.

99
00:05:57,540 --> 00:06:03,198
-Like the old days.
-Yeah. Except this time I'm not a virgin.

100
00:06:05,112 --> 00:06:08,446
How come you're not
helping Mom and Dad with the show?

101
00:06:08,447 --> 00:06:10,214
How can I put this?

102
00:06:10,215 --> 00:06:14,550
Your uncle Charlie is a professional
musician, and your mom and dad...

103

00:06:14,551 --> 00:06:17,050

Suck?

104
00:06:20,055 --> 00:06:22,554
Good a word as any.

105
00:06:24,458 --> 00:06:26,792
I think they're gonna get back together.

106
00:06:26,793 --> 00:06:28,058
-You do?
-Yep.

107
00:06:28,059 --> 00:06:30,628
Except if my Dad moves back
to Mom's house,

108
00:06:30,629 --> 00:06:32,496
I probably wouldn't see you anymore.

109
00:06:32,497 --> 00:06:36,433

Of course you'd see me. You'd still have

your room here, and I'd come visit.

110
00:06:36,433 --> 00:06:40,168
-You never visited before.
-That's 'cause I didn't know you before.

111
00:06:40,169 --> 00:06:43,078
That's 'cause you never visited.

112
00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:46,003
Gin.

113
00:06:46,773 --> 00:06:50,340
To tell you the truth, Jake,
I don't think this is gonna be an issue.

114
00:06:50,341 --> 00:06:52,643
You don't think they're gonna
get back together?

115

00:06:52,644 --> 00:06:55,362

-I didn't say that.
-Do you?

116
00:06:55,445 --> 00:06:57,512
-Hey, what do I know?
-I think they are.

117
00:06:57,513 --> 00:07:00,242
Robert Fulton, Eli Whitney

118
00:07:00,315 --> 00:07:02,839
Robert Fulton, Eli Whitney

119
00:07:02,951 --> 00:07:06,646
All aboard for Henry Ford

120
00:07:10,988 --> 00:07:12,156
Henry Ford

121
00:07:12,157 --> 00:07:13,290

And then...

122
00:07:13,291 --> 00:07:16,120
Careful what you wish for, pal.

123
00:07:19,094 --> 00:07:22,983
Charlie, we're gonna be late for rehearsal.

124
00:07:25,666 --> 00:07:28,900
-What are you doing?
-Making margaritas.

125
00:07:28,901 --> 00:07:31,335
But we've got a rehearsal at Jake's school.

126
00:07:31,336 --> 00:07:33,895
Don't worry, I have a plan.

127
00:07:35,972 --> 00:07:38,640
Charlie, you're taking liquor
to Jake's school?

128
00:07:38,641 --> 00:07:40,875
You betcha.

129
00:07:40,876 --> 00:07:45,978
I'm not gonna face all those pre-pubers
without a snootful.

130
00:07:45,979 --> 00:07:49,247
They'll have limes
in the teacher's lounge, right?

131
00:07:49,248 --> 00:07:53,150
No. There's no limes,
there's no swizzle sticks, there's...

132
00:07:53,151 --> 00:07:55,650
-Oh, God.
-What?

133
00:07:56,086 --> 00:07:58,086

It's from Judith's lawyers.

134
00:07:58,087 --> 00:08:00,586
Really? Good news?

135
00:08:01,890 --> 00:08:06,391
No, it's not good news.
Judith filed for divorce.

136
00:08:06,392 --> 00:08:08,917
Man. I'm sorry.

137
00:08:09,862 --> 00:08:12,329
What am I gonna do?

138
00:08:12,330 --> 00:08:15,165
There's a lot of ways to respond
to something like this.

139
00:08:15,166 --> 00:08:17,665
Anger, grief, denial.

140
00:08:18,167 --> 00:08:20,034
What would you do?

141
00:08:20,035 --> 00:08:26,203
I'd probably blow off rehearsal
and start chugging from the blender.

142
00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:30,919
But I wouldn't recommend that
for an amateur.

143
00:08:33,378 --> 00:08:35,945
I can't believe she blind-sided me like this.

144
00:08:35,946 --> 00:08:39,013
Being so nice and friendly to my face.

145
00:08:39,014 --> 00:08:42,016
Meanwhile her lawyers were working
behind my face.

146
00:08:42,017 --> 00:08:43,683
Let me tell you something, Charlie.

147
00:08:43,684 --> 00:08:46,620
A woman who would do such a thing
cannot be trusted.

148
00:08:46,621 --> 00:08:49,889
Yeah, well, maybe you can use
this divorce as a chance to

149
00:08:49,890 --> 00:08:52,756
take a little break from each other.

150
00:08:52,757 --> 00:08:56,359
No, that would be playing
right into her hands.

151
00:08:56,360 --> 00:09:00,461
Alan, your kid's confused enough about

you and his mother. Don't make it worse.

152
00:09:00,462 --> 00:09:04,032
How could I possibly make it any worse?

153
00:09:04,766 --> 00:09:06,766
Let's find out.

154
00:09:06,767 --> 00:09:10,234
Okay, everybody, what we're gonna do
is put the girls on one side

155
00:09:10,235 --> 00:09:11,903
-and the boys on the other.
-Sure.

156
00:09:11,904 --> 00:09:16,071
Start splitting them up early.
That's your answer for everything, isn't it?

157
00:09:16,072 --> 00:09:17,373

Excuse me?

158
00:09:17,374 --> 00:09:22,963
Would Mrs. Plaintiff please see
Mr. Respondent in the hallway?

159
00:09:24,379 --> 00:09:27,708
Watch the kids, we'll be right back.

160
00:09:28,048 --> 00:09:30,547
Wait!

161
00:09:34,518 --> 00:09:37,018
Jake? Where's Jake?