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Scene I
Scene I takes place in a room in the castle. This is the
same room as in Act II, Scene II. Enter the King, Queen,
Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern.
KING
And can you, by no drift of
circumstance, get
from him why he puts on this
confusion, grating so
harshly all his days of quiet
with turbulent and
dangerous lunacy?
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern consult with each other
in whispers.
GUILDENSTERN
Would you mind rephrasing the
question?
KING
Have you found out yet why
Hamlet's gone
screwy?
ROSENCRANTZ
We're making progress, your
majesty, but he
hasn't told us the whole story
yet.
QUEEN
to leave us alone
for awhile, while I try to
discover what is the matter
with your son. I have sent for
him, and Polonius
and I will hide and watch while
he meets Ophelia.
We should be able to tell from his
reactions if it is
really love that is causing him
to act so strangely.
QUEEN
Very well. Ophelia, I hope you
can do something
about all this. I do not
understand what has gotten
into that boy!
Exit Queen.
POLONIUS
Ophelia, you stand here and
wait for Hamlet. The
King and I shall hide behind this
arras.
The King and Polonius exit behind the arras.
Hamlet.
HAMLET
To be, or not to be; that is the
question.
Enter
OPHELIA
My lord, I have some love
letters to return to you.
HAMLET
I'm sorry, you'll have to come
up with cash on the
line, or it's no deal. Letters!!!
OPHELIA
You told me you loved me
once, and I did believe
you.
HAMLET
What?
You expect me to
believe that you believed me?
Isn't that just like a woman! Well, I don't
believe you
believed me, so there! Now, do
you believe I don't
believe that you believed me?
That's a better question
than "to be or not to be?".
OPHELIA
You deceived me, my lord. You
took advantage of my
poor innocence.
HAMLET
You
want
to
get
adopted?
OPHELIA
Not me, Hammy! I mean, don't
you want to have
your own children!
HAMLET
Listen, Ophy, I've got enough
problems with the
relatives I've already got.
OPHELIA
But don't you think I'd make a
good mother?
HAMLET
I think you'd make a mother
superior, so why don't
you get thee to a nunnery?
OPHELIA
But...
HAMLET
Go!
Ophelia speaks loudly so that the King and Polonius can
hear her.
OPHELIA
Oh, what a noble mind is here
o'erthrown!
She turns to Hamlet and hisses a threat at him.
OPHELIA
I'll get you for this!
Hamlet shrugs and exits. Enter the King and Polonius.
KING
That did not sound like love to
me! I don't trust
that fellow one bit. I'd feel safer
if he were far
from Denmark,... say in
England.
POLONIUS
I still think he has gone mad
from love for my
daughter. After the play
tomorrow night, why
don't we have his mother speak
to him privately,
THIRD
PLAYER
Relax! I never saw the air with
my hands! I saw the
air with my eyes!
The Third Player laughs, the First Player slaps him on
the forehead, and the Third Player squeals.
FIRST
PLAYER
That's not what he means! He
means don't do this!
The First Player saws the air upward with his hand, as
the other Players watch him, and then he suddenly
jerks his hand down, giving the other Players whiplash.
HAMLET
What I mean is, don't overact.
Be natural! Try to
behave like normal human
beings.
SECOND PLAYER
I thought you wanted us to be
natural.
The First Player pounds the Second Player on the head.
HAMLET
Go! Make ready for the play.
Exeunt the Players. Enter Polonius, Rosencrantz and
Guildenstern.
HAMLET
The play's about to start. Go
get the King and
Queen.
ROSENCRANTZ
We will, my lord.
Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Enter Horatio.
Hamlet goes to Horatio and speaks to him privately.
HAMLET
Horatio!
Watch my uncle
during the play. Let
me know if he does anything
funny.
HORATIO
Don't worry. No one does
anything funny in any
play while I'm around!
HAMLET
Well, that explains a lot.
Enter the King, Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern.
HAMLET
All right, everyone sit down.
The play's about
to start.
Everyone except Hamlet sits on the floor.
QUEEN
Come hither, my dear Hamlet.
Sit by me.
HAMLET
No thanks, Mom. I want to
annoy Ophelia.
Hamlet goes over to Ophelia, who treats him very coldly.
HAMLET
Lady, shall I lie in your lap?
OPHELIA
No, my lord.
HAMLET
I mean, my head in your lap.
He lies down with his head in her lap. She remains cold
to him.
OPHELIA
Aye, my lord.
HAMLET
Did you think I meant country
matters?
OPHELIA
I think nothing, my lord.
HAMLET
That's a fair thought to lie
between maids' legs.
OPHELIA
What is, my lord?
HAMLET
Nothing.
Hamlet waggishly raises and lowers his eyebrows. Then
he turns to the audience.
HAMLET
Shakespeare wrote that one.
The Second Player steps out and waits for everyone to
quiet down.
HAMLET
Quiet everyone!
The play's
starting.
The Second Player declaims the prologue to the play.
SECOND PLAYER
The Queen of Hearts
She made some tarts,
All on a summer's day;
The Knave of Hearts
He stole the tarts,
And took them clean away.
The King of Hearts
PLAYER
My own dear wife! I know that I
Will always love her till I die!
The Third Player enters in drag, dressed as the Queen of
Hearts. The First Player is horrified by her frightful
appearance.
THIRD
PLAYER
Sorry I'm late. I'd lost my
wig.
How do I look?
FIRST
PLAYER
Just like a ... figUre of beauty, your teeth like
pearls!
THIRD
PLAYER
Aw, you say that to all the girls.
The Third Player gives the First Player a playful shove,
nearly knocking him over.
FIRST
PLAYER
Say you'll be forever true!
THIRD
PLAYER
Certainly, Kingsie! Who else
do you
Think I'd go for?
FIRST
PLAYER
For a start,
My brother, the evil Knave of
Hearts!
If I catch you two together,
Ever again, I don't care whether
He has a knife, an ax or spear,
I'll kill him first, then you, my
dear!
THIRD
PLAYER
Take it easy!
Please, calm
down!
I'm not the type who'd play
around!
FIRST
PLAYER
Ever since that time I caught
Him with your tarts I've been
distraught!
THIRD
PLAYER
You can trust me.
Wait and
see!
I'll behave so faithfully,
I'll bake my tarts for only you!
Cross my heart! It's true! It's
true!
Hamlet turns to his mother, as the First Player and Third
Player exit, arm in arm, from the stage.
HAMLET
What do you think, Mom?
QUEEN
The lady doth protest too
much, methinks.
Enter the Second Player, dressed as the Knave of
Hearts.
SECOND PLAYER
I'm the wicked Knave of Hearts!
I'd love to grab the fair Queen's
tarts,
Filled with apples, pears, or
plums!
Why speak of the devil, here
she comes!
Enter the Third Player, singing and carrying a table. On
the table are a number of small cream pies, and at least
one large cream pie.
THIRD
PLAYER
La la lee la la.
Suddenly the Third Player spots the Second Player, and
puts down the table.
THIRD
PLAYER
Hey! You! What are you doing
here?
SECOND PLAYER
I came to taste your tarts, my
dear!
THIRD
PLAYER
Have you got rocks inside your
head?
If the King finds us here, we're
dead!
SECOND PLAYER
You think I'm frightened of that
bum?
That stupid fool! That twerp!
That crumb!
Hey! I'll tell you what I'll do,
I'll kill the King and marry you!
As the Second Player continues telling his plans, the
real King, seated in the audience, becomes visibly
upset.
SECOND PLAYER
I'll wait until he's fast asleep
Out in his orchard. There I'll
creep.
I'll bring a jar of poison, dear,
And I will pour it in his ear!
The King stands, horrified. At this point, the First Player
enters, unnoticed by the Second Player or the Third
Player.
SECOND PLAYER
As soon as that poor slob is
dead,
I'll arrange that we'll be wed!
And you will bake the pies I
crave,
While he is rotting in his grave.
The Second Player picks up a small cream pie.
KING
Stop the play!
The Players are so intent on their play that they ignore
the King. Suddenly, the Third Player (still in his role as
the Queen of Hearts) spots the First Player.
THIRD
PLAYER
I think it's high time that I went!
The Third Player starts to walk off stage. The First
Player grabs the Second Player and spins him around.
The Second Player accidentally hits the First Player in
the face with the pie.
SECOND PLAYER
I didn't mean it! It was an
accident!
FIRST
PLAYER
Why, you...
KING
Stop the play!
Did you?
HORATIO
Yeah, he got the pie I wanted.
HAMLET
And he stopped the play before
have minds?
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern look at each other, and
then Guildenstern summons up the courage to speak to
Hamlet.
GUILDENSTERN
We still don't know why you're
screwy.
At this point the Players walk in playing recorders. They
do not play very well.
FIRST
PLAYER
Since the King didn't seem to
like our play, we
thought he might enjoy some
music. Where
is the King?
HAMLET
Let me see that.
Hamlet snatches one of the recorders. He looks at it,
then hands it to Guildenstern.
HAMLET
Here. Play upon this pipe.
GUILDENSTERN
My lord, I cannot.
HAMLET
I pray you.
GUILDENSTERN
Believe me, I cannot.
HAMLET
Please. I beseech you.
Suddenly Hamlet's voice turns threatening.
HAMLET
Play it!!!
Guildenstern is near tears.
GUILDENSTERN
I don't know how to play the
pipe.
HAMLET
You don't, eh? Then you must
think I'm simpler
than this pipe! You think you
can get all my
secrets out of me just by
asking, but you can't get
anything out of this pipe!
You're willing to play on
me, aren't you? You think it's
easier to play on me
than this pipe! You thought
you could play me, so
surely you can play a simple
pipe! Go ahead!
Play it!!!
GUILDENSTERN
(weeping)
But I don't ... I . . .
HAMLET
Play it!
Guildenstern tearfully tries to play the pipe. To his
surprise, beautiful music comes out.
Guildenstern
takes the pipe away from his lips to examine it. He
can't figure out how he managed to play it. He gives up
trying to figure it out, shrugs his shoulders, and happily
begins to play again. Guildenstern continues to play
very complicated, rich, classical music. He plays like
an expert, even though he doesn't know how.
Guildenstern stops playing and smiles happily at
Hamlet.
HAMLET
Excuse me, I think I hear my
mother calling.
Exit Hamlet. Exeunt all.
*********************************************************
Scene III
Scene III takes place in a room in the castle. Enter the
King, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
KING
I like him not, nor stands it safe
with us to let his
madness range.
Therefore
Enter
POLONIUS
My lord, he's going to his
mother's room. I'll
get there first and hide behind
the arras and
listen to what they say. I'll tell
you everything.
KING
Thank you, my good friend.
Exit Polonius.
KING
Oh my offense is rank, it smells
to heaven.
I have murdered my own brother. Prince
Hamlet knows what I have
done; I'm sure
of it. He puts on a mask of
madness, while
he plots against me, and I
deserve to be
plotted against. I've killed my
brother! I
should pray for forgiveness,
me!
Why shouldn't he laugh? He gets
heavenly
bliss, and I'm stuck here with
Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern! He'd think
that was pretty
funny, the lout! Well, I'll show
him.
Hamlet strides over to the King.
HAMLET
I wouldn't kill you now if you
begged me! So
there!
Exit Hamlet. The King is bewildered.
KING
Maybe he really is insane after
all.
Exit the King.
*********************************************************
Scene IV
Scene IV takes place in the Queen's bedroom. Enter the
Queen and Polonius.
POLONIUS
He will come straight.
you, be round with him.
HAMLET
(off stage)
Pray
Mother! Mother!
QUEEN
Withdraw! I hear him coming.
Polonius hides behind the arras. The Queen sits in a
chair. Enter Hamlet.
HAMLET
Now,
Mother,
what's
the
matter?
QUEEN
Hamlet, thou hast thy father
much offended.
HAMLET
Mother, thou hast my father
much offended.
QUEEN
Come, come, you answer with
an idle tongue
HAMLET
Go, go, you question with a
wicked tongue.
And thou hast my father much offended!
QUEEN
Have you forgotten who I am?
HAMLET
No! You are the Queen, your
husband's
brother's wife; and -- would it
were not so -you are my mother! And thou
hast my father
much offended! Let's see you
top that!
QUEEN
I don't understand a word
you're saying.
HAMLET
No, you wouldn't, would you?
All you did was
marry your own brother-in-law,
my uncle.
That's all you did, relatively
speaking. Did you
ever stop to think where we'd
be if everyone
married my uncle? Why, we'd
be up to our ears
in aunts, for one thing, and
that's no picnic.
QUEEN
I give up! I can't talk to you.
HAMLET
Oh no, you're going to take a
good hard look at
yourself and face the ugly truth.
The Queen panics.
QUEEN
What are you going to do? You
won't murder me?
Help! Help me!
POLONIUS
(behind the arras)
What? Help! Help!
HAMLET
How now! A rat!
Hamlet stabs Polonius through the arras.
POLONIUS
(behind the arras)
Oh, I am slain!
Polonius falls and dies, still behind the arras.
HAMLET
Is that the King?
Hamlet pulls aside the arras and discovers Polonius.
HAMLET
Oops. Well, I guess the joke's
on me. I just
killed the wrong man! I'll tell
you what, Mom,
you keep quiet about this to
Claudius, and I won't
tell him about the strange man
hiding in your
bedroom.
QUEEN
Oh what a rash and bloody
deed is this!
HAMLET
Oh, so now you're going to
blame all this on me!
Some mother you are! If you hadn't
married my
uncle, none of this would have
happened, and we
could all be performing "The
Merry Wives of
Windsor" somewhere.
Why
couldn't you have
stayed married to my father?
My father! Now
there's an ideal husband!
QUEEN
But your father is dead.
HAMLET
That's what I mean. He's quiet,
undemanding, and
you don't have to cook for him.
But you preferred
to marry a pig like Claudius and
make him the new
Danish King. Claudius! He's
the cheesiest Danish
I've ever seen.
Aren't you
ashamed?
QUEEN
Stop!
I refuse to listen to
another word!
Enter the Ghost.
HAMLET
Now here's a King who knows
how to rule!
The Ghost takes out a yardstick and starts measuring
things.
HAMLET
Hey, this is "Hamlet," not
"Measure For Measure!"
QUEEN
HAMLET
Yeah, but you're shaped like a
pear.
The Ghost suddenly notices the corpse of Polonius.
The Ghost is shocked. He turns to Hamlet for an
explanation.
HAMLET
Yeah, I know. Say, it's too bad
he didn't put the
poison in your ear.
Then
everything would be
fine. Are you sure Polonius
didn't kill you? You're
positive?
The Ghost nods his head "yes."
HAMLET
That's too bad. I guess we owe
him one. Maybe I
could get Ophelia to pour some
poison in Horatio's
ear. That would even things
up.
The Ghost shakes his head "no," and mimes violence to
Claudius.
HAMLET
Yeah, I guess I've still got to
avenge your death.
But after this you owe me a favor. Fair is
fair.
The Ghost nods "yes" and exits.
QUEEN
Hamlet, what are you talking
about?
HAMLET
It's very simple, Mom. All I
want is for you to
behave yourself. Be a decent
woman, the kind
of mother a guy can be proud
to take home to his
girlfriend. That's all I'm asking.
And stay away from
Claudius!
QUEEN
But Claudius and I are married.
HAMLET
Exactly! He's a married man!
Do you know how
that looks? Do you? You and
Claudius? Do you
have any idea how that looks?
QUEEN
No, I do not!
HAMLET
Well, do you remember the two
baboons we saw
at the circus last year? Look,
Mom, I know you
don't mean to be bad. It's not
your fault; you're just
naturally rotten.
Enter Horatio.
HORATIO
Hey, Hamlet, the King say you
gotta pack. He's
sending you to England with
Rosencrantz and
Guildenstern.
HAMLET
Tell him I'd rather go to the
French Riviera with
Ophelia.
HORATIO
No, he says you've got to go to
England.
HAMLET
Well, why not? I might as well
get out of Denmark
until this business with