Modest Proposal Contrived for the Reduction

of Obesity and Associated Deleterious

Consequences to the Economy and Public of
America, while Synchronously Diminishing the
Dependence of the United States on Imported
Oil, Natural Gas, and Related Combustible
Products.
Tom The Brutalizer Boy
March 10, 2015
America today is fraught with an overwhelming preponderance of social,
economic, and political difficulties, solutions to many of which seem positively unexcogitable. An excellent example of one of these issues is the
seemingly insurmountable dependence of the United States on imported oil
and related combustibles, originating predominantly in the various countries
of the Middle-East. Right now, Americans are parting with $200,000 dollars of hard-earned money every passing second simply to pay for foreign oil.
Furthermore, this dependence, more accurately deemed addiction, furnishes
substantial bargaining power to states in this region, many of which are on
less-than-amicable terms with the United States. However, this lamentable
plight pales somewhat in comparison with the malevolent disease relentlessly
and simultaneously crippling both the American healthcare system and selfimage: Obesity. The societal and economic effects of this epidemic are frankly
appalling. For instance, consider the readily authenticated statistic that a
staggering 58 million citizens of this great republic are obese, elevating this
deplorable epidemic to the status of number two preventable killer in the
United States of America.
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This overabundance of cellulite and foreign oil, indomitable as it might

appear, possesses a remarkably straightforward solution, a glorious scheme
that integrates these two disparate quandaries into a fat-burning economic
powerhouse. The use of the most cutting-edge liposuction technologies in
tandem with advances in vehicle propulsion and power plant design lays
down the framework of an elegant plan: extract the superfluous blubber
from those in possession of said commodity, and utilize this valuable lipid to
power automobiles, aircraft, and electricity-producing dynamos. We believe
that inherent in this cunning strategy are several invaluable benefits to the
great nation of America. First, rather than being penalized for their infatuation with sundry edibles, obese persons would instead be paid by the pound
for their contribution to American society. Those businesses in possession
of advanced liposuction technology would construct efficient, assembly-line
procedures for the rapid removal, measurement, processing, and shipment
of this shining, golden commodity. The producers of this fat would simply
walk into a bustling compound, indicate their desire for extraction, endure a
mildly uncomfortable 10 minute procedure, and walk away as healthier and
more productive members of society, in addition to being from several dozen
to several hundred dollars wealthier. Clearly, this proposal holds immense
potential for the betterment of American society, and in an attempt to concisely relay these advantage, we have outlined a compilation of these benefits
as follows.
Firstly, as is mentioned in passing above, the population of the US that is
morbidly obese will be provided with a method to alleviate or eliminate their
great suffering. Paid liposuction procedures will allow even those far too impoverished to afford costly diets and gym memberships to strip themselves
of their corpulence, becoming longer-lived, happier, and more productive
members of society. Thus, even without the influence of other factors, the
humanitarian aspects of this plan are sufficient to warrant its implementation
forthwith. Secondly, consider the prodigious impact of this plan on Americas deplorable dependence on imported oil. In 2007 alone, the US imported
3,656,170,000 barrels of foreign oil, spending over 290 billion dollars. Now
consider that each barrel of oil is defined as precisely 42 US standard gallons, and in each gallon there is contained approximately 7.3 pounds of oil,
assuming SAE 10W-30 oil. Thus, the US imports roughly 1.1 x 1012 pounds
of oil every year. According to recent statistics, the average American is
23 pounds overweight. As there are currently on the order of 300,000,000
persons residing in this great union, one could conceivably extract nearly
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1010 pounds of fat from this population. As a result, the combustion of this
renewable energy sources would produce a 1% reduction in money spent on
imported oil. Furthermore, as a result of the implementation of easy and
profitable methods of liposuction, the average American will have no reason
whatsoever to behave in a weight-conscious manner. Considering the capability of many Americans to gain a dozen pounds during the few weeks of
holiday vacation, to say nothing of their propensity to do so with the slightest provocation, it is our opinion that these 23 pounds per person could be
regenerated somewhat more than four times per year. Thus, US dependence
on foreign oil would be diminished by approximately 5%. Now, this number
appears small at first examination, but after taking into consideration the
290 billion dollars spent for this foreign oil, it is evident that this project will
result in the retention of 14.5 billion dollars annually in the United States
collective economy, a clear benefit for the government and the general public. Thirdly, unemployment rates, currently stabilizing to some extent at a
lofty 9%, would be significantly decreased by the introduction of this novel
industry. 14.5 billion dollars is sufficient to pay the salaries of a vast number of people, many of whom would receive, with proper training, choice
jobs as high-paid liposuction technicians. Moreover, the economic benefit to
agribusiness as a whole would be inestimable, allowing for the expansion of
farms, restaurants, and other food-related organizations. As a result, this
plan will also perform the much-needed task of creating jobs, lowering unemployment, and effectively providing a free economic stimulus package to the
struggling citizens of America. Fourthly, human fat is a renewable resource,
and is sure to satisfy those interest groups and organizations concerned with
the rapid consumption of limited oil reserves. Given the natural propensity
of many citizens to overindulge, particularly on those especially nourishing
edibles, this natural resource would regenerate at an exceedingly rapid rate,
providing a never-ending supply of combustible, energy-rich matter. Fifthly,
following the implementation of this proposal, the US will be substantially
less vulnerable to the whims of governments defiant to the will of America,
as the 5
As is ordinarily the situation in this nation built upon freedom of speech,
it is distinctly possible that a considerable number of misguided individuals,
all with the best interest of the American public in mind, will adduce a
multitude of objections to this glorious agendum. In response to these, as
a preliminary affirmation of the effectiveness of our scheme, we offer the
following disapprobations of possible objections to said plan. Some may
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claim that the infrastructure necessary for the implementation of such a

sizeable operation would be far outside the pecuniary puissance of either
corporations or the government, but the reality of the situation is that a 14.5
billion dollar economic niche would provide more than sufficient incentive
for many corporations to expend the mere millions necessary to develop and
construct liposuction technology and necessary facilities. Others might argue
that the implementation of an easy way out of obesity would result in an
increase in wastefulness and gluttony in American culture. However, the
fact of the matter is that these crassulent individuals will be performing a
valuable service to the United States, thus not only displaying a great deal
of patriotism but providing even their own body parts to promote the wellbeing of the United States of America. As a result, with the execution of
this plan, obese persons will be considered not as diseased, unproductive
members of society, or as undisciplined gluttons, but as heroes, making the
ultimate sacrifice to the great nation of America.
Thus, in conclusion, this ideal of extraction and combustion of a neoteric
black gold represents the way of the future, in both energy technology and
American society, and it is our opinion that this is a change for the better.
With the appalling lack of success of both American government and industry in ameliorating either energy dependence or obesity, this modest proposal
offers a shining light of hope for both unto now disparate areas. However, in
order to achieve this vision, it is vital that the cooperation of the American
public is ensured. We strongly urge that those of our audience that have
been captivated as we have by this dream to take decisive action to ensure
that the US takes the first steps towards a brighter future. Petition your
governor to erect fat-compatible refueling stations, and write to automobile
manufacturers to convince them to initiate production of vehicles capable of
burning this marvelous fuel. Spread the news of this project in any and all
manners possible, particularly targeting the doctors and wealthy corporations required to provide the technology and capital to jumpstart liposuction
technology. Without aid, this great purpose may never come to be, but with
the cooperation of you, the citizens of the USA, we can lead this great nation
to a better future; a brighter future, lit by the resplendent, infallible glow of
the burning adipose tissue of the people of the United States of America.