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._.

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HI}()l/I
FIRST

Unpublished

PRINTING

Copyright

1964

Stewart-Robinson,

DOLLY!
was first presented on January 16, 1964
by David Merrick at the Sf. J ames Theatre in New York
City with the following cast:

HELLO,

Inc.

CO?)"right 1964 Stewart- Robinson,


Inc. Copyright
.1964, 1966
ny Michael Stewart and Jerry Herman. Lyrics and Music Copyright
(,;) 1964 by Jerry Herman.
All rights controlled
by Edwin H. Morris
and Co., Inc. Used by permission
only. All right reserved.

:\11 nght:,

including

the

right

of reproduction

any form. are rcscrx cd under


Couven tions.

"it'

International

in whole

or in part,

and Pan-American

( In order of appearance)
MRS.

in

DOLLY

GALLACHER

ERNESTINA

Copyright

AMBROSE

KE11PER

HORSE

C\UTION:
Professionals
and amateurs
arc hereby
warned
that
HELLO,
DOl.LY!
being fullv protected
under the Copvright
Laws of
the United
States of America,
the British Conunonwcalth.
including
the Dominion
of Canada,
and all other countries
of the Berne and
Universal
Copnight
Conventions,
is subject
to rovaltv. 1\11 rights,
including
professional.
amateur,
motion
picture,
recitation,
lecturing,
public reading,
radio and television
broadcasting,
and the rights of
translation
into foreign languages,
are strictly reserved.

HORACE

V.\.NDERGELDER

ER11ENGARDE
CORNELIUS
BARNABY
IRENE

MRS,

TUCKER

MOLLOY

MINNIE
Application
for stage presentations
is to be made to Tarus-Witrnark
Music Library, Inc., /')7 Third Avenue, New York, New York 10017.

HACKL

FAY
ROSE

RUDOLPH
Library

of Congress

Catalog

Card

Number:

6821572
JUDGE
COURT

CLERK
TOWNSPEOPLE,

Carol Channing
Mary Jo Catlett
Igors Gavan
Jail Lal'rade, Bonnie Mathis
David Burns
Alice Plavten
Charles Nelson Reilly
Jerry Dodge
Eileen Brennan
Sandra Lee
Amelia Haas
David Hartman
Gordon Connell
Ken Ayers

LEVI

\VAITERS,

ETC,

Nicole Barth, Monica Carter, Carvel Carter, Amelia


Haas, [an Lal'rade, Joan Buttons Leonard, Marilyne
Mason, Bonnie Mathis, Else Olufsen, Yolanda Poropat,
Bonnie Schon. Barbara Sharma, Mary Ann Snow, Jamie
Thomas, Pat Trott.
Ken Ayers, Alvin Beam, Joel Craig, Dick Crowley, Gene
Gebauer, Joe Helms. Richard Hermauy, Neil Jones,
Charles Karel, Paul Kastl, Ji111 Maher, Joe Me Wherter,
John ~1inea, Randy Phillips. Lowell Purvis, ~IIiehael
Quinn, Will Roy, Paul Solen, Ronnie Young,

Prill/ed in U.S.A. by
NOBLE

OFFSET
NEW

YORK

PRINTERS,

3,

N.

INC.
Y.

.~:?~~~;
..

J!

d /e

Directed

and Choreographed

by Cower Champion

Settings Designed by Oliver Smith


Lighting

by Jean Rosenthal

Costumes

by Freddy \Vittop

Musical Direction and Vocal Arrangements


Shepard
Orchestrations

OF SCENES
Curtain rises on Street Scene, New York City
in the 1890's,
SYNOPSIS

by

Coleman
by Philip

Dance and IncidentaIl\1usic

J,

Lang
ACT

Arranged by Peter Howard

Assistant to the Director Lucia Victor

ONE

1. Along Fourth Avenue. New York Citv


Grand Central Station

2, A Street in Yonkers
Vandcrgcldcr's Hay and Feed Store, Yonkers
The Yonkers Depot

3, Outside ~Irs, ~lol1O\"s Hat Shop,


'Vater Street, !\:cw York City
I nside the Hat Shop
A Quiet Street
Fourteenth Street
ACT

Two

I, III Front of the Hoffman House Hotel,


on Fifth Avenue
Outside the Harmonia Gardens Restaurant,
on the Batterv
/

VI

Inside the Harmonia Gardens Restaurant


Polka Contest
A Courtroom on Centre Street
The Hay and Feecl Store, Yonkers
V11

SCENE

rises on Street Scene, New York City in the


TOWNSPEOPLE
in stvlized poses ~vho sing
as CURTAIN rises.
CURTAIN

1890's.

VARIOUS

ALL
CALL ON DOLLY
SHE'S THE ONE THE SPINSTERS RECOMMEND
JUST NA~1E THE KIND OF ~lAN YOUR
SISTER \VANTS
AND SHE'LL SNATCH HIM UP
DON'T FORGET TO BRING YOUR MAIDE;\f
AUNTS
AND SHE'LL MATCH 'KM UP
CALL ON DOLLY
IF YOUR ELDEST DAUGHTER NEEDS
A FRIEND
(Horsccar enters bearing SEVERAL
newspapers in front oi their faces)

LADIES,

JUST 1\'AME THE KI~D OF ~lAN YOUR


SISTER \VANTS
AND SHE'LL SNATCH HIM UP
DON'T FORGET TO BRING YOUR j'vIAIDEN
AUNTS
AND SHE'LL MATCH 'Etvl UP
CALL ON ....

HELLO,

HELLO,

DOLLY!

JUST NAi\IE THE KIND OF i\L\N YOUR


SISTER \V.,\NTS
AND SHE'LL SNATCII HIM UP
DON'T FORGET TO BRING YOUR i\L!\IDEN

:l\IRS. LEVI
(On back of llorsccar,
dropping
her newspaper
last. Applause.)

AUNTS

Levi!

Dolly

(.-\'!\IBROSE

(,\5

hands calliIlg card to


a lJeJ1T-set
airl)
,
b
SHE

ERKESlI1\:\,

AND

(Continuing

as

Sill:

hands

out cards)

I might also mention


I'm available for Financial
sultation, Instruction
in the Guitar and Mandolin,
Distance
Hauling,
and ...
(Glancing

(SIlE
mOl'ing

at

board

left

ConShort

EREKSTI:>iA)

Monuments

Hotsccet

SHE'LL

KE1\lPER

i\IATCII

CALL Oi'J DOLLY

. That's right, Mrs. Dolly LC\'i, born Gallagher, marriages arranged!


U nfortunatclv, I \\'011' t be ;1ble to offer
my usual lightning service today as I have a previous
appointment
in the village of Yonkers, New York, arranging the second marriage
of Mr. Horace Vandergclder
the well-known half-a-millionaire
... as my late husband
Ephraim LC\'i always said that means hc"s got at least
ten thousand
cash ...
but I'll do 111Y best to have vou
carried across somebodv's
threshold'
before the week
is out!

National

DOLLY(

Restored!
\,']}ic11 gi"es illusion
cross right)

of

enters

left)

'Et-.I UP

...

A~IBROSE

KE~IPER

... Mrs. Levi, the train for Yonkers leaves in five minutes
and if we don't get there on time.

xms.
(Getting

LEVI

off Horsccar )

But we will, l\1r. Kemper! And not onlv will Horace


Vandcrgclder
give you permission
to Illarry his niece
Ermengarde,
even if you arc ~1 poor struggling artist, but
he will dance at your wedding
and not alone either
because I happen to be engaged in finding him a suitable
second wife himself! \\'hat
he rcallv wants is someone
stead, to clean the house, as my lat~ husband Ephraim
LC\'i always said marriage is a bribe to make a housekeeper thillk she's a householder!

as TOWNSPEOPLE

A~IBROSE
ALL
CALL ON DOLLY
SIlE'S THE ONE THE SPINSTERS

-+

RECO?-.lMEND

I know all about it, Mrs. L(Ti! Half New York says he's
going to propose to the widow i\10110) this very afternoon!

I 5

HELLO,

DOLLY!

II E l. L 0,

:l\IRS. LEVI

IF YOUR ELDEST
A FRIEND ...

A living, Mr. Kemper. Some people paint, some sew.


I meddle!

out more cards)

And speaking of poultry I'm also available for Fresh


Country Eggs, Poodles Clipped, Ears Pierced ....
at

LAST GIRL

again,

haIlding her another card)


Pierced Ears Replugged.
AMBROSE

In

:l\Irs. Levi!
(SHE

JUST NA!\IE TI-IE KIND OF MAN YOUR


SISTER \VANTS
AND SHE"LL SNATCH HIM UP
DON'T FORGET TO BRING YOUR :l\IAIDEN
AUNTS AND SHE'LL MATCH 'E:l\l UP
I

(Singing)

I HAVE AL\VAYS BEEN A \VOl\IEN

\VIlO

ARRANGES THINGS FOR THE PLEASURE


AND THE PROFIT IT DER IVES
I HAVE AL \VAYS Rl<EN A \\'Ol'vfAN \VIIO
ARRANGES TIIINGS LIKE FURNITURE
A.ND DAFFODILS
AND LIVES
(I-lands

purse to

AMBROSE)

\VHEN

A :l\IAN \VITI-I A TIMID

MEETS

A GIRL \VITH

TOl"GUE

A DIFFIDENT

\VHY SHOULD TIlE TORTURED


BEAT AROUND THE BUSH

runs to join him)

AIR

CREATURES

WHEN HEAVEN KNO\VS MOTHER NATURE


AL\VAYS NEEDS A LITTLE PUSH

ALL

NEEDS

MRS. LEVI

MRS. LEVI

....

DA.UGHTER

Tell me, Mrs. Levi, what's in all this for you?

I'll buy your tieket for you, Mrs. Levi! But I just hope
this isn't a wild goose chase!

stopping, looking

Ar..mROSE

A!\fBROSE

(Suddenl)"

LY

CALL ON DOLLY

Which is exactly why I'm OIl my way to Yonkers this


morning and can take on your case and knock off four
lovebirds with one stone or whatever I'll throw I'll see
only well well well I seem to have nothing in my purse
only large bills, fives and sevens ...

(Handing

DOl.

SO I PUT :l\'lY I-lAND I~ HERE


I PUT :l\lY HAND IN THERE

AND A GIRL OVER SIX FOOT

THREE

LOVES

UP TO HER EAR

A MAN \\'IIO

COl\f.ES

HELLO,

HELLO,

DOLLY!

DOLLY!

SURELY ITS OBVIOUS SHE'LL NEVER BE


SEDUCED
''I'lL SO"IE KIl\D SOUL CONDESCENDS
TO
GIVE I-II<:RBEAU A LITTLE BOOST
SO I PUT "11' I-lAND IN THERE
I PUT 1\lY HAND IN HERE
I 11:\\,E ,\L\\'_-\yS BEE~ A \\'O:\I:\\: \\'1-10
,-\RRANGES THINGS
ITS MY DUTY TO .-\SSIST THE LORD ABOVE
I I lAVE !\L \\'AYS BEEN A \VOI\IAN \VHO
:\RR:\NGES
THINGS
LIKE LU:\TCIIEO:\T PARTIES, POKER GAMES
:\r\D LOVE

\VIlEN,

::\IY "\PLU~IB AT COS:\[ETIC


ART
TUH ..:\'ED A FRU:\IP TO i\ TRU.\IP LADY FAIR
SHE 1 lAD 1\ COUA'TEi\':\l\CE
"ALITTLE BIT
LIKE SCROOGE
BUT on TODAY YOU \\'OULD S\\,EAR THE
LORD III"ISELF
APPLIED THE ROUGE
\\'lIE.:\' I PUT :\IY 11,,\.:\'0 IN HERE
I PUT J\IY Il:\ND IN THERE!

.. Ephraim
Levi, I'm going to get married again" I'm
going to marrv Horace Vandergcldcr
for his money and
send it out circulating
~1l11ong the people like rainwater
the wa y you taught me and I wa 11t a sign from you, sometime todav, that YOU approve. Oh, it won't he a marriagc
in the sense we had one. but I shall certainly make him
happy. And I'm tired. Ephraim!
Tired of "li\'ing from
hand to mouth so I want that sign, .. ,

(Short

dallcc

I PUT :\lY llANO

(Grand

IN THERE.

, "

Central Olio ill)


AI\lBROSE

, . ~ Irs. Levi!

l\lRS. LEVI
I know, ~Ir. Kemper, the Yonkers train is rcadv to leave!
N OW, you go buy our tickets, get a window scat, order
a good hot lunch and I'll meet you all board. ...
(lIE exits as SHE comes dowll

onto raurp )

A~mROSE

lIltcrluuc)

I PUT MY I lAND IN lIERE


I '}'\\-"1ST A LITTLE. STIR A LITTLE
IIIM A LITTLE, HER A LITTLE
SIL\PE A LITTLE, "IOLD A LITTLE
SOl\[E POOR CHAP GETS SOLD A LITTLE
\\,HE1\' I USE J\IY F[S'!' A LITTLE

.. Something

50I\IE YOUNG BRIDE GETS KISSED i\ LITTLE


PRESSURE \VITII TIlE THUMBS
l\IATRIl\101\'Y
COMES

" Now don't you \\"0 rrv , i\ lr. Kemper, we'll make that
we'll get to Yonkers, vou 'Il marry Frmcngnrdc
...
J ust leave c\crything to me!

(CumiIJg

(Jut of ~tatioll)

Mrs. Levi!
l\IRS, LEVI
today!

train,

[9

llELLO,

DOLLY!

r-.1RS. LEVI
( C01JtilluecI)

H)H. \\'1[[0; \lY LITTLE


SO~[E

YOUNG

~L\IDEN

THEN

I ~IAKE

vtv

I l\ 10\'E

GETS THE: GIGGLES

KNUCKLES

":\IY" HE S,\YS "SHE'S

TIlEN

~lY INDEX

TIlE

PRE.\CIIER

... In Yonkers, Ncv; Ymk, as the Har and Feed Dealer's


Associatioll :\IL\lBl':RS march Oil ill b~iglJt orange outfits.
pla~'illg various lllusical imtnllllcl1ts.
Last is UOR.\CE VANDERGFJ.DER. 'with bass drum, followed
lw weeping ~'ollng

ACTIVE

DIGIT
TO FIDGET

lad,-,

FR\IE!'iC.\RDE,

lca~'illg

r-.IY PALI\l
RE:\DS

SCENE

"

SO XITRACTI\'E"

A:-\1) THEY BOTH BEGIN


TIll'S I CLENCH

PI:\J:(Y \\'IGGLES

tmv

L\NDERGEl.DER

A PSAL\[

circle the runwav.


IH~D exit"
allcI ER~lENC:\RDE on Stage,

VANDERGELDER

\VIIE:\, I PUT 1\[1' IIAND IN THERE!

. _ . Damn! How can I be expected to practice for the


Fourteenth
Street Association
Parade with all that bellowing in my cars'

ERI\lENGARDE
I can't help it,

Uncle, Llovc Ambrose

Kemper!

V ANDERCELDER
And I say you're too youllg to be in 10\e with anybody!
Here,

take this!

(Thrusting

drum into her arms)


ER i\IEN CARD E

I'm not too young! I'm seventeen, and in another


I'll be an old maid.
'.

V ANDERCELDER
W ell, I forbid it! Dare to be an old maid,
and I'll eut you off without a cent!

10

vcar

Ermcngarde,

III

IIEI>LO,

hits drum,

pIE

...

And don't

SHE

DOLLY!

HELLO,

screams)

DOLLY!

VANDERGELDER

cry in front of the store!

Not yours, hell and damnation.


mine! r mean, I'm getting ;11~lf[ied again. And in honor of that occasion I've
decided to promote you, Cornelius,
to chief clerk.

ERMENGARDE
I can't help it! I'm unhappy!

(Running

to enter

CORNELIUS

Feed Store)
And what

VANDERGELDER
(Following

VANDERGELDER

her ill)

Then by thunder
you'll go weep in your room where
won't scare off the customers!
And weep standing,
don't want no salt stains on the pillows!

stamps

(HE

...

Cornelius!
(Trap
~l1d

on

it

CORNELIUS

Barnaby!

Yes.
CORNELIUS

VANDERGELDER
\Vhat?

CORNELIUS

CORNELIUS

Mr. Vandergclder?

Does .. , does the chief clerk get one evening

VANDERGELDER

So that's the way you thank me for your promotion,


is
it? No, sir, you'll attend to the store as usual! Now get
back to work!

(To audience)

BARNABY

12

off a week?

VANDER GELDER

[ did! I got news for you both! I am going to New York


Citv this afternoon
to march in the Fourteenth
Street
Ass~ciation
Parade and when I come back you're going
to have a mistress.

I'm too young,

You're an impertinent
fool, that's what you arc! And
I'm promoting
you from impertinent
fool to chief clerk.
Any more questions?

f1 oor by trap door)

door opens and


B.\RKABY appear)

You stamped,

am I now, Mr. Vandergclc1cr?

.. , Evenings
nine percent

Mr. Vandergcldcrt

off, marrying artists ... Foolishness! Ninety


of the people in this world are fools ... And

113

HELLO,

HELLO,

DOLLY!

the rest of LIS arc in great danger of contamination!


Whv,
even I was once ~oung, which was foolish; and got married, which was foolish; and was poor which was more
foolish than anything else. Then my wife died which was
foolish of her; I grcw older which was sensible of me; and
became rich, friendless and mean, which in America is
about as far as you can go!
(Starting down steps)
Oh, I know "Jut you're wondering now. Whv a man
of so much good sense should be planning anything as
foolish as getting married again. The answer's simple.
This house without a woman would be an empty shell
. and pretty dirty, too!
(TWO

MEN

CUSTO~IERS

IT TAKES A \VO~lAN
PINK
TO JOYOlJSL Y CLEAN
THE SINK
AND

A~ Al\'GEL
L\SHES

A;\;D SOFT DRESDEN


FOR DU~IPING

AND

OUT TI-IE DRAIN

n CL\KES
GOLDEN

\\lITH

IN

LONG

FINGERS

o YES

A FRAGILE
TO BRING

14

A ~dISTRESS,

appear)

THE FRAIL YOUNG MAIDEN \VHO'S


CONSTANTLY
THERE
FOR \VASIIING
AND BLUEING AND SHOEING
THE MARE
AND IT TAKES A FEi\fALE FOR SETTING THE
TABLE
i\ND \\lEANING
THE G UERl"SEY
AND CLEANING
THE STABLE
ALL

YES IT TAKES A WO~IAN


A DAINTY \VOi\[AN
A S\VEETHEART,
A i\IISTRESS, A \VIFE
YES IT TAKES A \VOl\1AN
A FR.\GILE
\VOMAN
TO BRING YOU TITE S\VEET THINGS IN LIFE

now

the

ENTIRE MALE

COMPANY

is

all)

(Spelling)

FEM-ITY

\VOi\IAN

IT TAKES

)'IORE ~IEK

AND SO SHE'LL \\lORK UNTIL INFINITY


THREE CHEERS FOR FEi\IININITY
RAIl RAIl RAH ... RAH RAH RAJ-I

YES IT TAKES A \\'Oi\IAN


A S\VEETHEART,

(As

(By

THE ASHES

CORNELIUS,
BARNABY
.-\.:\D T\VO
CUSTO~ IERS

A DAINTY

VANDERCELDER

have come into shop)

ALL PO\VDERED

DOLLY!

.'\ \VIFE

V ANDERCELDER

A \VOMAN
Get out of here!

\VO~lA.N
YOU THE S\VEET

THINGS

IN LIFE

(ALL

the

MEN

disappear)

I 15

HELLO,

HELLO,

DOLLY!

VANDERGELDER

AND 1:'\ TIlE \VI:'\fTER SHE'LL SHOVEL THE


ICE
A1\'D LOVINGLY SET OUT THE TRAPS FOR
THE T\:lICE
SHE'S A JOY A)JD 'TREASURE FOR
PRACTICALLY
SPEAKING
TO \VHOI\f CA:"J YOU TURN \\'HEN THE
PLU~1BING IS LEAKING?

All right, ant of here, all of you, ..


(The

(Slamming

::-'lEN

CURNELIUS

v.:ith

run

A~IBROSE

congratulations,

a thousand

COI1-

VANDERGELDER
MISTRESS,

THAT

\Vhat?

\Vhat?
I\[RS. LEVI

Congratulations,
Mr. Vandergcldcr!
All New York is
buzzing with the news that you've practically proposed
to thc widow Mollov. The streets arc lined with eligible
young ladies prostrate with grief. All my congratulations
and sympathy ...

THINGS

iuve snuck back through

VANDERGELDER

IN LIFEl
Sympathy?

this)

l\IRS. LEVI

ALL

o YES IT TAKES A \VOI\'lAN


A D.\I:,\TY \VOMAN
A S\\'EETHEAR
T, A I\IISTRESS, A \VIFE
OYES IT' TAKES A \\'OMAN,
A FRAGIL \VOl\lAN
TO BRING YOU THE S\VEET THINGS IN LIFE
16

and

LEVI enters

door)

....
Congratulations,
gratula bons!

V ANDERGELDER,
CORNELIUS
& BARNABY

(ALL

BiI.RNABY

l\lRS. LEVI

A HUSKY \\'Ol\L\N

YOU THE S\VEET

;mc1

last, as l\IRS.

who sneaks upstairs.)

VANDERGELDER

TO BRING

CUSTOl\IERS

off. BARN:\BY

\,:\~DERGELDER,
COR:\ELIUS
& K\RN,\BY
TO TH:\T D.\It\TY
\VOl\IAN
T11:\T FRAGILE \VOl\.f;\N
THAT S\VEETHE:\RT,
THAT
\VIFE
o YES IT T,\KES A \VOI\IAN

DOI,Lyl

Did I say that? A slip of the tongue, that's all. No. 1'111
delighted with tile happy news, after all she wasn't UIleasy to unload .... By that I mean you know what people
said although I for one never believed the rumors, no I
didn't.

.1

17

IIELLO,

HELLO,

DOLLY!

MRS. LEVI

VANDERCELDER
Rumors? \Vhat rumors?
MRS. LEVI
Nothing to get upset about, Mr. Vandergcldcr, according
to all known facts her first husband passed on quite
naturally! It's just that he went so sudden. One taste
of her angel's food cake and he was right up there with
'em. But it could happen to anyone. Just one word of
advice, Mr. Vandergelder. Eat out!
VANDERCELDER

(Crossing towards door)


Very well, Mr. Vandcrgelde r, thcn there's nothing more
for me to do but go back to New York 811d tell the other
girl, the heiress, not to wait.
VANDER

I mean to say nothing. Mr. Vandergelder! Besides, you


can alwavs hire a taster. Bv the way she's ordered her
wedding 'go\vn, beautiful, ycu should 'see it ... Black!
.. \Vell as I said before, Mr. Vandergelder, congratulations OIl your forthcoming nuptial and may you rest in
.. I mean may guardian angels watch over you both.

(And

SHE

What did you say?


~1RS. LEVI
Nothing, a word, heiress.
VANDER GELDER
Particulars,
name!

~1rs. Levi, I demand

Her name? Er, urn, blah ...

Look here, Mrs. LC\'i, you introduced me to Mrs. Molloy


and rumors or not I intend calling on her this afternoon
.. as arranged!
18

. . . her

Money! Erncstina

Moncv.

VANDERCELDER
What a lovely lovely name.

whips out a large blaek


and blows her nose)

(Crossing to her)

particulars

~1RS. LEVI

~IRS. LEVI

handkerchief

VANDERGELDER

GELDER

(Crossing to her)

Now hold on, Mrs. Levi, you mean to say....


~fRS. LEVI

DOLLY!

Picture if you will hair as shi nv as a newly-minted dime,


eyes big round as silver dollars; age nineteen, height fivefoot-two, waist forty-seven .. _
V ANDERCELDER
Waist

forty-seven?

19

HELLO,

DOLLY!

MRS. LEVI
That's with the money belt. Now I could arrange for you
to meet this Ernestina this very afternoon.

VANDERGELDER
I ain't got time, Mrs. Levi! I'm going to New York City
this afternoon to march in the Fourteenth Street Parade!

HELLO,

let's not go into that


good time dOIl't vou
(SHE

. Oh but wait'll you see Ernestina,


A dream!
(A.s

SHE

VANDERGELDER
All rigllt, Mrs. Levi, I'll meet Miss Monev at the parade.
call on Mrs. Molloy

Oh dear, what races you make me run. Very well, 1\1r.


Vandergcldcr, I'll meet you on that bench in front of
Mrs. Molloy's hat shop at two thirty as usual. ...

VANDERGELDER
Onc more thing. l\frs. Levil Suppose I decide against
Mrs. Molloy and I don't like Miss Money neither?

l\LRS. LEVI
Well then I happen to have one marc name
'0' II

iJis coat and hands

him

his hat)

exits through door humming)

I\[RS. LEVI

all

IT TAKES A \VOI\lAN ALL PO\VDERED


A:-\D PINK
TO JOYOUSLY CLEAN OUT THE DRAIN
IN THE SINK
A?\D IT TAKES AN ANGEL \VITH LONG
GOLDEN LASHES
A:\,D SOFT DRESDEN FINGERS
FOR DUMPING THE ASHES
(HI:

I\ II. Vaudcrgelder,

puts

Horace! A vision!

VANDERGELDER

What an amazing coincidence! Guess who's been chosen


to ride on the main float. ... The Spirit of Fourteenth
Street. ... Miss Moncvl Her mother was a Cash, vou
know.'
.

paying another

it'll come lip by itself all in


about that!

gets 11is coat)

I\lRS. LEVI

But I still intend


first!

110W

\I'OfT:'

DOLLY!

011 my list,
a name I know as wcll as my own but

MRS. LEVI

OH

YES IT TAKES A \VOI\lAN ....


(SHE

as

continues hUJlJllling
goes upstairs)

melody

SHE

... You know, Ephraim, I think I'll have this room clone
over in blue wallpaper. Yes, in blue! Enncngarde, Ambrose, come on out here! \V c've got plans to make!
(.\..l\[BROSE alld
ER.l\IE:\C.\RDE
enter. Ligh ts go down
on ;'IRS. LEVI, .-I.'\lBROSE anci ERM.-I.NCAHDE seated upstairs as they come up 011 trap door where CORNELIUS
and BAR]\;.\IlY appear)

21

HEl.LO,

HELLO.

DOLLY!

CORNELIUS

CORNELIUS
Chief clerk! Promoted from chief clerk to chief clerk!
Aud if I'm good, ill ten years I'll be promoted to chief
clerk again! Thirty-three years old and I still don't get an
evening free. When am I going to begin to live?
BARNABY

We'll have to. Some more rotten


to explode.

Did you forget what we did last Christmas? All those


canned tomatoes went bad and exploded and you and I
cleaned up the mess all afternoon. Do you call that
living?
BARNABY

tomato cans are going

BARNABY
Holy cabooses! How do you know?
CORNELIUS

You can live on holidays, Cornelius!


CORNELIUS

DOLLY!

I'm going to light this candle under them, that's how I


know. They'll make such a smell customers won't be able
to come into the place for twenty-four hours. That'll get
lIS an evening off! We're going to New York, Barnaby.
and we're going to live! We're going to have a good
meal, we're going to be in danger, we're going to spend
our money, we're going to be arrested ....
(In his enthusiasm

No!

HE

falls down open trap)

BARNABY
CORNELIUS

Holy cabooses!

Barnaby, you and I arc going to New York!


BARNABY

CORNELIUS
And one more thing! We're not coming back to Yonkers
until we've each kissed a girl!

You mean close the store?


BARNABY
CORNELIUS
Cornelius, you can't do that! You don't know allY girls!
Uh huh.
CORNELIUS
BARNABY
Cornelius, we can't!

22

I'm thirty-three

years old! I've got to begin sometime!

23

BEl.LO,

HELl.O,

DOLLY!

Al\IBROSE

BARNABY
I'm only seventeen,

Cornelius.

It isn't so urgent

for me.

Mrs. Dolly

Levi, Painters

CORNELIUS
New York. Barnabvl
Broadwavl The stuffed

DOLLY!

Taught

MRS.

Elevated
trains: The lights
whale at Barnum's Museum!

of

BARNABY
A stuffed whale?

How To Dance!

LEVI

Now I'm going to gi\'C you a note to Rudolph


Reisenweber, the headwaiter
at the Harmonia
Gardens Rcstaurant on Fourteenth
Street and have vou 110th entered in
the polka contest tonight! The prize is a week's engagement and a solid brass cup, believe me lots of marriages
have started on less.

CORNELIUS
AMBROSE
A stuffed

What do you say, Barnaby?

whale!

I'm sorry, Mrs. Levi, but no fiancee of mine is going to


sct foot in a ... in a pleasure palace:

BARNABY
Yes, Cornelius)
(Lights

(ERl\lENC.\RDE

Yes!

down

right,

lights up upstairs

left)

]'vIRS. LEVI
Now the first thing to do is make you financially independent. I know! I'll find you a job .. Can you dance?
AMBROSE
I'm an artist,

crics)
MRS.

LEVI

And what's

wrong with pleasure, Mr. Kemper? My late


husband, Ephraim Levi, believed in hard work all yes but
not without
a few good times in between!
\Vhy every
Saturday night, from the first dav we were married, down
those red stairs at the Harmonia
Gardens we came and
danced the night awavl It's been ten years since I've been
back but I can hear that music still!

Mrs. Levi. I paint!


AMBROSE
l\IRS.

(Handing
\Vell

then,

2-+

him a card)

my card!

LEVI

It's all very well to hear music,


there ....
(AIlother

wail from

Mrs.

Levi, but working

ERI\[ENGARDE)

I ,'"

.:.)

HELLO,

DOLLY!

HELLO,

MRS. LEVI

LISTEN,

It's the only way to show Horace Vandergelder we mean


business! Now you go to the Harmonia Gardens this
afternoon and say Mrs. Levi sent you and incidentally
tell Rudolph that Dolly's coming back and I want a table
for two and a chicken for eight o'clock tonight!

(Lights out and up on

BARNABY

downstairs)

BARNABY ...

(Five explosions. CORNELIUS slightly


trapdoor, smoke billows out)

(Peering down trapdoor)


... The bottom row looks all right, Cornelius. Now hold
the candle under the ones on top! Not too close, they're
swelled up like they're ready to bust!
(A ballg from underneath)
I can smell it up here!

PUT ON YOUR SUNDAY CLOTHES,


LOTS OF \VORLO OUT THERE
GET OUT THE BRILLIANTINE
CIGARS

IN A PERFUMED

(ComiJlg out of cellar, blowing out candle)

WHERE THE LIGHTS


STARS!

IN THE

ARE BRIGHT

AS THE

(THEY

NE\V

HORSE ORA \\,N

go down the steps)


CORNELIUS

& BARNABY

slams trapdoor)

OUT THERE
THERE'S A vVORLD OUTSIDE OF YONKERS
\,yAY OUT THERE BEYOND THIS HICK TOWN,
BARNABY
THERE'S A SLICK TO\VN, BARNABY
OUT THERE
FULL OF SHINE AND FULL OF SPARKLE
CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SEE IT GLISTEN,
BARNABY
26

AND DIrvlE

PUT ON YOUR SUNDAY CLOTHES, WE'RE


GONNA RIDE THROUGH
TOWN

Let's get dressed, Barnaby! We're going to New York!


BARNABY

THERE'S

NIGHT

IN ONE OF THOSE
OPEN CARS

CORNELIUS

(Three explosions;

OpC.IlS

\VE'RE GONNA FIND ADVENTURE


EVENING
AIR
GIRLS IN \VHITE

BARNABY

Holy cabooses! Cornelius,

DOLLY!

WE'LL

SEE THE SHOWS

AT DELMONICOS
AND \VE'LL

CLOSE THE

AND WE \VON'T
A GIRL!

COME

TO\Vl\; IN A WHIRL
UNTIL

\VE'VE

KISSED

(THEY TUn up to the platform and put on their suit


jackets and hats as lights go out on them and up on
MRS. LEVI as SHE helps ER1\1ANCARDE dress and 11.1\1BROSE takes a few cautious steps)

27

HELLO,

HELLO,

DOLLY!

DOLLY!

jumping off as it goes. Tllrough this set changes


from Feed Store to Yonkers Railroad Station)

l\IRS. LEVI
PUT ON YOUR SUNDAY CLOTHES WI-IEN YOU
FEEL DO\VN AND OUT
STRUT DO\VN THE STREET AND HAVE YOUR
PICTURE TOOK
DRESSED LIKE A DREAl\l YOUR SPIRITS SEEM
'TO TURN ABOUT

CORNELIUS
(Running around tile runway,
followed by BARNABY)
Come on, Barnaby! We're going to New York! Elevated
trains, Barnaby! The lights of Broadway!

BOTH
TIlA r SUNDAY SHINE
IS A CERTAIN SIGN
THAT YOU FEEL AS FINE AS YOU LOOK!
(ERMENG_\RDE

wails)

BARNABY
Holy cabooses!

CORNELIUS
The stuffed whale at Barnum's

MRS. LEVI & AMBROSE


(As

THEY

BARNABY

go dO\'v'nstairs)

\Vow!

BEi\'EATH YOUR PARASOL THE \VORLD IS


ALL A Sl\IILE
THAI' l\IAKES YOU FEEL BRAND NEVi DO\VN
TO YOUR TOES

CORNELIUS
Come on!

(The
l\[RS. LEVI, AMBROSE,
CORNELIUS & BARNABY

and

ALL

YOUR BEADS AND BUCKLES AND BO\VS


FOR THERE'S NO BLUE MONDAY IN YOUR
SUNDAY CLOTHES!

28

"Feed Store moves,

CORNELIUS

enter two by two. CORNELIUS


precede them as THEY parade arounci

TOWNSPEOPLE

BARNABY

the runway)

GET OUT YOUR FEATHERS


YOUR PATENT LEATHERS

(The

Museum!

and

BARNABY

PUT ON YOUR SUNDAY CLOTHES WHEN YOU


FEEL DO\VN AND OUT
STRUT DOWN THE STREET AND HAVE YOUR
PICTURE TOOK

29

HELLO,

DOLLY!

DRESSED LIKE A DREAM YOUR SPIR [TS SEEM


TO TURN ABOUT
THAT SUNDAY SHINE
IS A CERTAIN SIGN
THAT YOU FEEL AS FINE AS YOU LOOK!
BENEATH YOUR PARASOL THE \VORLD IS
ALL A SJ\IILE
THAT MAKES YOU FEEL BRAND NE\V DOWN
TO YOUR TOES
GET OUT YOUR FEATHERS
YOUR PATENT LEATHERS
YOUR BEADS AND BUCKLES AND BO\VS
FOR THERE'S NO BLUE MONDAY IN YOUR
SUNDAY CLOTHES!
(THEY

Station

strike a pose as the Yonkers


flies in)

BENEATH YOUR BO\VLER BRIM TI-1E


\VORLD'S A SIlVIPLE SONG
A LOVEL Y LILT THAT MAKES YOU TILT
YOUR NOSE
GET OUT YOUR SLICKERS, YOUR FLANNEL
KNICKERS
YOUR RED SUSPENDERS AND }-IOSE
FOR THERE'S NO BLUE rv[ONDAY IN YOUR
SUNDAY CLOTHES!
MRS. LEVI
(Riding ill with ERl\[NGARDE and luggage
on a cart pushed by Al\IBROSE)

ERMENGARDE, STOP SNIVELLING-DON'T


CRY ON THE VALISES!
30

HELLO,

DOLLY!

\VE HAVEN'T MISSED THE TRAIN, THANK


THE LORD!
(A}'IBROSE

does a leap ...

MRS.

LEVI

stops. )

LOVELY, YOUR'E Il\IPROVING-NOW


GET ALL
ELEVEN PJECES, V/E'RE SEVEN MINUTES
LATE.
(Whistles)
ALL ABOARD!

ALL
ALL ABOARD! ALL ABOARD! ALL ABOARD!
ALL ABOARD!
(The Train comes on from Jeft.
board it through following)

THEY

ALL

PUT ON YOUR SUNDAY CLOTHES THERE'S


LOTS OF \VORLD OUT THERE
PUT ON YOUR SILK CRAVAT AND PATENT
SHOES
WE'RE GONNA FIND ADVENTURE IN THE
EVENING AIR
TO TO\VN \VE'LL TROT
TO A SMOKEY SPOT
\Vl-IERE THE GIRLS ARE HOT AS A FUSE!
PUT ON YOUR SILK HIGH HAT AND AT THE
TURNED UP CUFF
WE'LL \VEAR A HAND MADE GREY SUEDE
BUTTONED GLOVE
WE'LL JOIN THE ASTORS
AT TONY PASTOR'S
AND THIS I'M POSITIVE OF
31

HELLO,

DOLLY!

'ru.vr

\VE \VO:,\T CO't\tE IIO't\IE


TITXT \\'E \VO;\f'T CO't\TE HO't\lE
NO \\,E \\'ON'T CO't\lE HO't\lE UNTIL
IN LOVE!
(Applamc.

l\IUSIC

Yonkers Station

\VE FALL

SCENE

(N ew York Street and the exterior


Hat Shop.)

starts again. Train pulls out as


flies out. TOWNSPEOPLE

srart to exit)
(Babbling

enters,

l\IRS l\lOLLOY'S

a mile-a-minute

throughout

... Oh dear, oh 111\', will YOU look at that, tell o'clock


the shop not opened yet'.
( 1 ST

It's all because

and

cross)

COUPLE

of the impending

marriage,

I tell you.

What marriage? Oh I thought YOU knew. Why the mar,


riage Mrs. Levi is arranging between Mr. Horace Vandergelder, the well-known Yonkers halt-a-millionaire
and my
employer and friend, 't\1rs. Irene Molloy . , ,
(ERNESTINE

wagoll comes 011 as Train disappears.


,\Iusic continues as l\IINNlE FAY enters carrving hat
box. SHE crosses ahove Hat Shop, then around to

front

of

l\IINNIE

PUT ON YOUR HIGH SILK HAT AND AT THE


TURNED UP CUFF
\\'E'LL \VEAR A tL\NDJ\L\DE
GREY SUEDE
BUTTONED
GLOVE
\VE'LL JOIN THE ASTORS
xi' TONY PASTOR'S
AND TI-IIS I'M POSITIVE OF
THAT \VE \\,ON'T
CO't\lE HOME
THAT \VE \VONT
COJ\IE I-lOME
NO \\'E \VON'T CO~tE IlO't\IE UNTIL \VE FALL
IN LOVE.
(HJt

crosses)

SIlO))

cloor, tries

it, it's locked.

::\[I::\"::\"I1-: 1-':\ Y

tuns to speak

As

1ST

P.\SSFRBY

to audience)

. . , although
if you ask me he'll never take the place of
her late husband Mr. Peter Mollov mav he rest in peace
wherever he is I'm not sure, Oh it's all too much what
with late husbands
and new marriages and on top of
everything else ...

(2ND

COUPLE

cross)

Miss Mortimer
returning
this hat for the third time!
Same old storv, she wants more cherries and feathers.
Cherries
and' feathers,
to catch a beau I suppose,
although if you ask me she'd do better with a nice heavy
veil!
(SHE

32

laughs, slaps her knee, exits and then returns)

33

HELLO,

DOLLY!

HELLO,

,
... Ribbons down our back, I liold her. Ribbon down
our back is what we'll be wearing this summer if we want
to catch a gentleman's eye, but she'd have none of it!
Cherries and feathers she wants, on today of all days,
when that poor dear sweet Mrs. Molloy has enough on
her mind with ...
(l\1RS.

(As

l\lRS. MOLLOY
I am marrying Horace Vandergclder for one reason and
one reason alone, Minnie! To get away from the millinery business. r hate hats! And I canna longer stand being
suspected of being a wicked woman with nothing to
show for it.

xror.r, y has en tercd)

MRS. MOLLOY
SHE

t\HNNIE

011, t\1rs. Molloy!

crosses to Hat Shop door)

\Vith what, Minnie?


MINNIE

(Following

her)

With the door! It's stuck!

MRS. MOLLOY
Don't protest, 'Minnie! All millineresses are suspected of
being wicked women. That's whv I can't go to restaurants or balls or theatres ... that's all the proof they'd
need! Take my word for it, Minnie, either I marry
Horace Vandergelder or I break out of this place like a
fire engine!
(Pointing

MRS. t\IOLLOY
...

Its stuck? Then push!


(TIlEY turn Hat Shop around and after side walls
come in Land R, THEY enter. MRS. MOLLOY
continues as MINNIE protests)

MRS. MOLLOY
... All right Minnie, let's have it. That's right, the question that's been on the tip of your tongue all week! Go
on, say it! Why am I marrying Horace Vandergelder?

DOLLY!

to hat box)

Not Miss Mortimer again?

Miss Mortimer.

MINNIE
I'll take care of it.

(Gets hat box)


MRS. MOLLOY
No, Minnie, leave it bel You can make another hat for
Miss Mortimer if you like. I'm wearing this one myself.
(Takes hat box and opens it)

MINNIE
Oh Mrs. Mollov, I didn't ask YOU that! I would rather
die on the rack- than ask you s'uch a personal question!
But as long as you did bring it up ...

3-t

:MINNIE
Mrs. Molloy, yon can't! You're a widow and that hat ...
well it's provocative, that's what!

35

HELLO,

i\IRS. MOLLOY

Is it, i\Iinnie?
(RclllOl'es

hat from box. A straw boater trimmed

with yards of cherries

and feathers)

Well, who knows who may walk into the shop today and
provocative may be just what I want to be!
i\lINNIE
.i\Irs. ~Iolloy!
i\lRS. i\IOLLOY
(ReI1lOl'illg

trim

sinipu: beribbolled

lca\'ing

hat

sailor)

I'LL BE \VE.\'RI:\'G
RIBBONS DO\VN i\;IY BACK
THIS SUl\[l\IER
BLUE /\ND GREEN AND STREAi\ fING IN THE
YELLO\V SKY
SO IF SO\IEONE
SPECIAL COi\1ES MY \VAY
THIS SU.i\ll\IER
HE ~IIGIIT NOTICE i\[ PASSING BY
AND SO I'LL TRY TO i\IAKE IT EASIER TO
FIND ME
IN THE STILLI'\ESS OF JULY
BECAUSE A BREEZE l\UGHT STIR A RAINBO\V
UP BEl IIND ME
TIlAT i\IIGlIT HAPPEN TO CATCH
THE GENTLE\L\N'S
EYE .
AND HE i\IICHT Sl\ULE AND Tf\KE ME BY
THE I-lAND
THIS SUMMER

36

HELLO,

DOLLY!

DOLLY!

MAKING ME RECALL IIO\V LOVELY LOVE


CAN BE
AND SO I \VILL PROUDLY \VEAR
RIBBONS DO\VN MY BACK
SHINING IN ~,lY HAIR
THAT HE i\HGHT NOTICE j\1E!
(As ~fUSIC continues, MRS. I\lOLI.oy stops herself, rcmoves the hat from her head and begins going about
her duties. ~nNNIE enters and crosses to closet, muttering to herself. takes scissors from closet and exits)
AND SO I
RIBBONS
SHINING
THAT HE

\,vILL PROUDLY \VEAR


DO\VN MY BACK
IN MY HAIR
i\rIGHT NOTICE ME!

(Unbeknownst
to "IRS. 1\10LLOY, }'IIN'<IE has
come back into Shop through
cnd of tIlis
and now busts out ... )

quietly

j\HNNIE
(All in one breath)

... Mrs. Mollov, wild horses couldn't make me ask this


next question I;m about to ask but I'm going to ask it
anyhow!

Do you love Horace Vandcrgclder?


~IRS. MOLLOY

No, l\Iinnic,

I don't.

Peter Mollov,

God

rest him,

was

my share of love and I'm Hot saying I was short-changed.


Once is enough for a woman as long as it's true love, and
it was that.
(Crosses

to window and

looks out)

I 37

)
HELLO,

...

HELLO,

DOLLY!

Minnie, look. There's two men staring at the shop.


IvIINNIE

'Men?
MRS. MOLLOY
Whv, I do believe they. mean to come in here!
MINNIE

(MINNIE
sticks her head back through curtains and
scrcams as MRS. l\fOLI.OY sings happily to herself)

AI\D SO I'LL TRY TO IVIAKE IT EASIER TO


FIND ME
IN THE STILLNESS OF JULY
BECAUSE A BREEZE ~IIGHT STIR A RAINBO\V
UP BEHIND ME ...
(As

SHE

hurries into workroom)

... Oil Minnie, we'll get an adventure

Men in the shop! Oh Mrs. Molloy, what shall we do?


MRS. MOLLOY
Do? ... Whv, flirt with them of course! I'll give you the
short one.
MINNIE
Mrs. Molloy! And you with all that talk about love:

(SHE

disappears as door OpCIlS and


dash into shop. COR],;ELIUS

Love enough I've had, Minnie! It's a bit of adventure I


could do with now! We'll get them all heated up and
then drop them cold. It'll be good practice for married
life. Now YOU go into the workroom. Minnie. I know
some ways we can perk up our appearances. Besides, a
bit of a wait will only make them nervous and easier for
us to ...

(Exits)

I\lRS. ~lOLLOY
Vampire!

38

and
shuts cloor)

CORNF.LIUS

CORNELIUS
We'll get an adventure out of this yet, Barnabv! All day
long we wander around New York and nothing happens,
then we come to the quietest street in the city and suddenly ...
BARNABY
Vandergelder!
CORNELIUS

Is he still out there?


BARNABY
(Climbing

:MINNIE

out of this yet!

BAR;\ABY

MRS. MOLLOY

If you say vampire I'll scream!

DOLLY!

into window)

He's sitting on that bench. Cornelius.


is an adventure?

arc you sure this

CORNELIUS
You don't have to ask. Barnabv. When

you're mane

39

HELLO,

HELLO,

DOLLY!

you'll know it all right! I low much money


left?

11<1\'C

Not much, Cornelius.


thirty cents for dinner,
Ninctv. cents. Whv?.

CORI\'ELIUS
(Shuttillg

\ Vhcn those \V011lCll come out we'll have to pretend to


be customers! Mavbc the best thing to do is make them
think we're rich. Then we won't have to spend anything!
We're two 111el1about town looking for hats for ladies.
Good aftcrnoon, ~ lrs. , . ,
~IRS. ~IOLLOY

...

IIe means we're hats! And we want to buy some ladies to


put under them and, . .
.

Fortv cents for the train back,


and twenty cents to see the whale.

CORNELIUS

(Entering

BARNABY

you got

BARN,\BY

CORNELIUS
Here, Cornelius

IIackl!

BARNABY
And 50 reasonable, Cornelius! 1\5 reasonable as under a
dollar, would still leave us enough to see the whale.
CORNELIUS
You've got to pay him 110 mind, ru'am, he's come all the
wav from Yonkers to see the stuffed whale and he's all
excited. Just keep an eve on that street, Barnaby, and
maybe vou'll see it pass bv.
(Pushing

BARNABY
Here, Barnaby

Tucker!
~IRS. ~IOLLOY

Mv pleasure,

. . . K'O\\'

what can I do for you, hmmm?

Is it big and black with mean little red eyes?


COR;\JELIUS
Yes .
BARNABY

CORNELIUS
\Vcll vou see we're two ladies about town and ...

-+0

him to window)
BARNABY

gentlemen.

(Seductively)

llim up)

\Ve want a hat, that's all' For a lack of course. And


cvcrvbodv said to come to Mrs. ~10110\"s because she's
so prcttv ... I mean her hats arc so pretty!

from workroom)

I\Iolloy.

DOL,LY!

It's sitting

right on that bench.

I 41

HEI

.. l.O,

DOLLY!

HELLO,

I\ [RS. I\IOLLOY
(;\.:; COR:\ELIUS

Excuse

turns

13.\l{:\":\BY

DOLLY!

I\[RS. J\IOLLOY

back round

again)

You see, I have a friend who lives in Yonkers.

rue, but did :'ou say Yonkers, 1\1r. Hackl?

COR;\:ELIUS
Do you?

CORNELIUS
OL ~cs, mam, Youkcrs! And forgive me for saying this
bur YOU should see Yonkers. By that I mean perhaps :-'[r.
i\ Iolloy would like to see Yonkers, too I

J\IRS. J\IOLLOY
Perhaps vou know him ...

COR:'\ELIllS

{-.[RS. I\10LLOY

Perhaps we do.

011, I'm a widow, I\Ir. IIaekl.

J\IRS. I\10LLOY
CORNELIUS
(Juyfulh-

Oh, it's always so foolish to ask in cases like that isn't it?

(THEY ROTH laugh ,,ith increJsing


cOllgcllialih.
B.\R~.\IlY
too)

You arc? Barnabv, she's a widow!


(JL\J{:,\.\.JlY Tc~pcctfu]h'
...

. It's a Mr. Vaudcrgcldcr.

hJkcs off hi.~ kIt)

(C()R~ELIUS

011, that's too bad. I'm sure J\ II. Mollov would haw

ell joyed Yonkers. Especially in that hat. 1 ~1lCaJ1 on 'all


of course not Mr. \Iolloy may he rest in peace vou'rc
Catholic aren't you \\'(.:11 don't let that worry vou I'd be
willing to change. Mrs. I\10110\', if you ShOl{ld ever happen to have a Sunday free in the near future. I'd be more
than pleased to show you Yonkers from top to bottom:

I1l

Horace V a ndcrgcldcr?
B;\RNABY

ight be there

"+2

Hay and Feed?


J\fRS. J\IOLLOY

Do

YOU

know him?

BOTH

CORNELIUS
Oh. rcalh?

R.\R:-HBY

CORNELIUS

Of Vandergeldcr's

MRS. I\IOLLOY
\Vell as a matter of fact, M r. Hackl, I
sooner than you think.

stoP\ laughing ahmptly.


hats in \\'indow)

lloisik alllong

No!

.f 3

bIb

HELLO,

DOLLY!

1'.1RS.
1'.1r. Vandcrgelders
tell me.

HELLO,

MOLLOY

a substantial

DOLLY!

MRS. MOLLOY

man and well-liked,

they

Come

out of there

this minute!

BARNABY
CORNELIUS

(Head

:\ lovely man, Mrs. Mollov. ust lovely!


fault as far as I know; he's hard as nails.

lIas

only

one

out)

We're as innocent

1'.-1RS.MOLLOY

BARNABY

w-n,

(At window)
Cornelius, I think

...

Mrs. 1'.10110)'!

as can be,

really! Mr. Hackl!

(SHE

I think ...

ML Tucker!

is downstage of table calling


hidden underneath)

to

B;\.R~ABY

I\IRS.
0:0\\'

I wonder
(Picking

IvlOLLOY

if your friend might like this one!

... I insist you both come out of there at once or T shall


be forced to ... Mr. Vanderge1dcr!
(SHE manages to wor]; hct positio1l into a sort of
curtsy as VANDERCELDER,
holding hox of
chocolates, enters)

up boater hat )

BARNABY
Look out!
(Leaping

VANDERGELDER
O\'CI

rail and under

table)

CORNELIUS
(HUllS

Begging

past liet into cuboard

your pardon,

left)

Mrs. Molloy!

Mrs. Molloy. I don't suppose Mrs. Levi is here. is she?


She was supposed to meet me on that bench ten minutes
ago. Well she can just go looking for me if she comes.
When
I make an appointment
I like people to be on
time!
(Setting

MRS. l\10LLOY
Ccutlcrncn!

What

chocoia tes

011

ta hIe)

Here, here's a present for you. Chocolate


covered
peanuts. Unshcllcd
That's the expensive kind. Did I just
see yOLl talking with two men?

are you doing?

CORNELIUS
(Head

I Ielp us, Mrs. Mollo:',

-+4

1\1RS. i\10LLOY

back out)
we'll explain

later!

Men?

Men,

1\1r. Vandcrgeldcr?

What

would men be do-

I 45

HELLO,

HELLO,

DOLLY!

DOLLY!

l\lRS. 1\[OLL01'

ing in :1 hat store? \Vell, Mr. Vandcrgelder,


what's new
in the It:1\' and feed business? I understand
you have
three friCl~cls. All hard as nails. I mean. . .
-

(As SIlF spies cO!C\U,WS' bmder Oil stool


through this. goes to it and l\Taps a bit
lace
arolllld it to transform it to lady's hat)
()f

\':\NDERCELDER

A. customer.
What

on earth

arc you talking

about?

usuallv

l\IRS. l\[OLLOY
Yonkers!

I hear it's a \'Cry beautiful

l\fr. Vandcrgcldcr ' Someone quite well-to-do


of fact. You might even know it although it's
sillv to ask in cases like that, , ,

as a matter

(SHE attempts
a 1a ugh)
. It's a Mr. Cornelius l Iackl.

city,

VANDERGELDER

VAl\'DERGELDER
And

who's

been

telling

you about

Yonkers,

(.As '\IRS, LEVI enters


shop \\j1ld()H')

mav I ask?

l\lRS, l\IOLLOY

Did

\'()U

sax Hackl?

, , .r\ Friend!

Nobody,

(Straightens

table cloth to hide


bunch of cherries fans to floor)

B:\RNABY

and a

l\IRS, l\lOLLOY
\Vhy, yes. , , ,
V.r\t-\DERGELDER

V ANDERGELDER

(Stooping
\ Vhat

He happens

tor cherries)

and peers through

to be

I dcm and an expla

1l1\'
11a

head clerk, that's all' Mrs. ;\10110\"


t ioul

friend?
\IRS.

LEVI

:tvIRS, MOLLOY
(Also
before

stooping,

of them

EITHER

\,ANDERCELDER's

\Vc]], you

5CC,

cherries
so ~IRS, UOLLOY quickly takes
and pretends to shake it)

I3ARNABY'S

hand

hand snatches

hc , , .
VANDERGELDER

He?

-+6

(Cuming

ill front cloor)

And I'm going to gi\'c it to

YOl1!

(Spring COR;,\ELlUS' hat, going


taking it to closet)

for

it,

\ \ 'In'. shouldn't
she know Cornelius
Hackl? E\'CfY-.
bodv in New Y OIl knows Cornelius
Hack! He's here at
the opera, in all the fashionable 110111C5,why he's at the

I 47

HEl.LO,

Harmonia

Gardens

(SHE

DOl.LY!

Restaurant

three

HELLO,

times a week!

(SHE

has opened closet door to hide hat and


snatches it from her. MRS. LEVI reacts)

. And who dressed up <15 a waiter at the Fifth Avenue


Hotel and dropped an oyster down Mrs. Astor's ...

VANDERGELDER

(SHE has meanwhile


crossed to table, now peers
under, evidently spies BARNABY for SHE
bursts into laughter)

noticing)

Impossible!
Hes only got a hundred and forty-six dollars
and thirty-five cents and I keep it in my own safe!
i\'IRS.

LEVI

Oh Mr. Vandergeldcr,
you're killing
Hackls. They built the canal.

hits closet door to cmpiusize this,


starts out. SHE s110\'e5 him back)

CORNELIUS

CORNELIUS

(Not

r can't say it but it was Cornelius! He's the playboy


of New York. Now Irene. don't dcnv it. I can see you
were taken with him just like everybody else.

011

me! He's one of the

i\IRS.
(:t-.llNNIE

VANDERGELDER
\\'hat

DOLLY!

through

canal?

Dolly!

l\'IOLLOY

started for closet,

lJas entered.

last of above)

What arc you sa\ing?

I've only seen him once in

my life! Really, Dolly, I ...


MRS.

LEVI,

:t\'1RS. MOLLOY

BOTH watch ill horror


as MIN1\IE opens cuptakes something
out, closes the cloors and
starts back to workroom. Sucldenly SHE stops and
(THEY

board,

(SiIlIultaneolisly)
The Eric! The Panama!
MRS.

screams)
MINNIE

LEVI
Wa-a-ah!

Both.

(:t-.IRS. MOLLOY grabs the screaming M[NI\"IE and


fina11y manages to show lict into workroom.
:t-.IINNIE pops right out again)

VANDERGELDER

It ain't the same man!

There's
MRS.

a man in there.

LEVI
VANDERGELDER

Who took the horses out of Jenny Lind's carriage


pulled her through the streets? Cornelius Hackl!

48

and
Now look here, if there's

a man

in that closet ...

149

HELl.O,

HELLO,

DOLLY!

~IRS. LEVI
);0.

you can't! It's too dangerous!

Mr. Vandcrgcldcr,

VA~DERGELDER
~o mall that hides ill ladies' closets can frighten
Levi! Stand aside!

me, Mrs.

I\lRS. LEVI
'\'0 man indeed,

I'm sure you'd make short work of any


mall, those muscles, I can see them now rippling back
and forth under your COJ t, ripple, ripple, ripple, back and
forth!

DO YOU SEE HII\'I


ON THE HILL AT GETTYSBURG
'NEATH TI-IAT GREAT TR IUMPHAL ARCH
IF YOU SEE I-III\[ AS HE'S TRAI\IPLING
THROUGH THE GRAPES OF \VRATII
STAND UP AND ~IARCH, ~'IARCH, MARCU!
MRS. I\10LLOY
(Taking

~lRS. LEVI
Stand indeed, Mr. Vandergclc1er! That's cxactlv what the
court will want to know when you're accused of entering
that closet without a search warrant. I mean what do
yOll stand for if you don't stand for the law of this great
land? I know what I stand for! Important
things!
Like ... like _ ..
(:\[USIC

lip

as

SIIE

backs him to Center)

~IOTHERHOOD
Al\-IERICA
Sr'\D A HOT LU0iCII FOR ORPf-L-\~S
TAKE OFF YOUR HAT, SIR
\\,HILE YOUR COUT"TRY'S FLAG IS PASSING
)-0 II

his arm)

... Has this not affected YOU, Sir? I came here at


teen vcars of age as an immigrant girl from a land
oppressed my people and I must echo here what
said by that great and patriotic American ...
uh
uh ...

V:\:\'DERGELDER
For the last time, Mrs. Levi. will you stand aside!

DOLLY!

I\rRS. LEVI
Moses.

(As i\1RS. LEVI sneaks CORNEUUS out of the


cupboard, marches him to the table, anci puslJes
him under it, thus squeezing BARNABY
out the other side)
MRS. J\10LLOY
I STAND FOR I\[OTIIERHOOD
i\l\IERICA
AND A HOT LUNCII FOR ORPHANS
TAKE OFF YOUR HAT, SIR
THERE'S A TEAR-STAINED EAGLE PASSING
DO YOU SEE HIM
ON THE FIELD AT \V;\TERLOO
'NEATH THAT GREAT TRIU~IPHAL ARCH

I 51

fourthat
was
...

HELLO,

leads

HELLO,

DOLLY!

MRS. LEVI

in a march to the right as


BARNABY tries to conceal himself beside door to
workroom. :l\1INNIE pops out at last second to
hide BARNABY with a salute as SHE
joins MRS. i\IOLLOY)
(SHE

V,-\NDERGELDER

ALAMO
REMEMBER THE ALAMO
I REGRET THAT I'VE ONE
LIFE TO GIVE FOR MY
COUNTRY
IN THE vVORDS OF LINCOLN
ONE IF BY LAND
AND T\VO IF BY SEA
YES DAD I CHOPPED
THAT CHERRY TREE DOWN

~tRS. l\IOLLOY & MINNIE


IF YOU HEAR HI:M SINGING DIXIE IN THE
SUGAR CANE
STAND UP AND :t\IARCH, j\IARCH, MARCH!
(Through following MRS. !-.IOLLOY and !-.IINNIE
march VANDERGELDER right while l'.IRS. LEVI
leads a terrified BARNABY behind them.
B.-\RNABY di\cs baek under table and l'.IRS.
LEVI rushes about looking for a place to llide
the now exposed CORNELIUS)
(Singing while l'.IRS. LEVI is singing)

(CORNELIUS

-7
)-

crawls out and gets caught up in

thc marching rhythm)

MRS. MOLLOY, MINNIE,


AND MRS. LEVI

~IRS. j\IOLLOY & MINNIE


I STAND FOR j\fOTHERHOOD
AMERICA
AND A HOT LUNCH FOR ORPHANS
TAKE OFF YOUR HAT, SIR
vVHILE YOUR COUNTRY'S
FLAG IS PASSING
DO YOU SEE HIM
ON THE FIELD AT \VATERLOO
'i'JEATH THAT GREAT TRIUj\IPIIAL ARCH
IF YOU SEE HI:\l AS lIE'S
TR;\j\[PLING THROUGH THE
GRAPES OF WRATH

DOLLY!

STAND UP AND MARCH MARCH MARCH ...


0, STONE\VALL JACKSON
GLORY,GLORY,HALLELUJAH
MRS. MOLLOY

(As SHE and MINNIE sit on CORNELIUS, who has


nearly marched head-on into VANDERGELDER,
ill order to hide him)
Four score and seven years ago!

ALL
MARCH,MARCH,MARCH

I 53

HELLO,

HELLO.

DOLLY!

xins

\lRS. LEVI
(Pmiling
stepping
Damn

COR:\,ELlUS

And another

down fIat,

over him)

the torpedoes.

(The

AIARCII,

under

that

1\10LLOY

table!

table scoots Down

full speed ahead!

Center)

V.-\NDERGELDER

ALL
i\lARCH,

DOLLY!

\Vhat

the devil!

~lARCH!

march over COR::-:ELIUS' prostrate form.


IIF gets lip and rusl1es into cupboard,
~1RS. LEn
standing guard in front at it, and TilEY aTC .\.I.L
hack. where TIlEY started)

i\1RS. l\IOLLOY

(TUEY

There also happens to be a very simple


for the present, good afternoon.

(A huge
LEVI'S

SllCCZC

done all

there couldn't

from inside cupboard.


SIlE

could. To

but

MRS. LEVI

1\lRS. LEVI
... So you see, Mr. Vanc1ergclcler,
be a man in that closet!

explanation

possibly

MRS

V.\'~DERGELDER)

(Pulling tip her skirts


were imaginary mice)

as if there

Good Lord, the whole room's crawling with men, I'll


never get over it, I take it I'll see you later this afternoon,

1\If. Vanclergeldcr?
God bless you.
VANDERGELDER

VANDERGELDER
(After

a long, furious

You certainly will, Mrs. LC\'i! "Vith a certain


on the main float at the end of the parade!
l\1rs. ~'Iolloy!

pause)

Mrs. i\lo1101' ...


1\IRS. MOLLOY
All right,

1\1r. Vaudergcldcr,

there

is a man in that cup-

(And

lIE

slams out. A moment,

gets his box of candy, and exits.


pops out of cupbo;ml)

then

lIE

yO\1ng lady
Good
returns,
head

CORNELIUS

board!

CORNELIUS
V:\~DERGELDER
}"Irs. Mollov,

Aha!

5-+

I can explain everything

...
I

55

day,

HELLO,

l\lRS.

(Pulling

table off

HELLO,

DOLLY!

l\IRS. I\IOLLOY

MOLLOY

Oh no, I\fr. Hackl! If the Harmonia


Gardens is good
enough for your fashionable friends it's good enough for
us! They say they have a 101'(:ly orchestra there, l\1innie.

BARNABY)

I do not wish to hear Jny explanations, ]\ [I. Hackl. Just


you and 1\1r. Tucker do me the pleasure of leaving my
shop at once or I send for Officer Gogarty.

CORNELIUS

MRS. LEVI

011 we couldn't go there! Now don't misunderstand


me.
it isn't the money or anything like that, it's the ... It's
the dancing! ... You see, they have dancing in a place
like that. exhibitions,
even contests, and I don't know
how and it would take me weeks, months, years to
learn ...

The very thing, Irene! Send for the law at once! You can
have them both put away for years on a charge like this!
Help, police! Help! Only have dinner with them first.
l\IRS. MOLLOY

(I\IRS. LEYI

Dinner!
MRS.

LEVI

lIE

33 year olel chief

reads ... )
clerks taught

how

I\IRS. LEVI
Now

yOLl

put one arm here and one arm here.


CORNELIUS

MOLLOY

Well if it must be. MI. Hackl, Mr. Tucker,


Miss Fay and myself to dinner.

hands hilll a card.

Mrs. Dolly Levi,


to ...

To show you tried to settle it amicably. That's the way


things are done in the law, Irene. Dinner first, dungeons
afterward.
MRS.

DOLLY!

It's no use! I have absolutclv . no sense of rhvtlun:


.

you mav take


.'

xins. LEVI
CORNELIUS

(As
TIlEY

Absolutely no sense of rhythm is one of the primary requiremcnts for learning by the Callagher-Lcvi Method.
Just gi\'e me five minutes of yom time, Mr. Hackl, and
I'll have you dancing in the streets!

tries to indicate
haven't enough money)

B:I.RNABY

Delighted, Mrs. Molloy. I speak for Barnaby too. Now


I hear there's a very nice restaurant in the railway station.

(SHE

takes his hand)

56 I

57

HELLO,

DOLLY!

... We'll start with Lesson Seven, the Waltz Kick Turn.
Now it's simple, right foot, touch, left foot, touch, under,
back, around, touch, Back, through, around, behind.
(CORNELIUS
1rRS. LEVI

is all twisted in a knot,


somehow astride him)

... That's wonderful, when I think of the luckv women


who'll find heaven in your arms, let's go back t'o Lesson
One.
(And J\IRS. LEVI begins to move
the stiff CORNELIUS. Singing)

PUT YOUR HAND ON HER \VAIST AND STAND


\VITH HER RIGHT IN YOUR LEFT HAND
AND ONE T\VO THREE, ONE T\VO THREE,
ONE T\VO THREE
CORNELIUS
LOOK l'l'vl DANCING!

w-n.

I was.

MRS. LEVI
Of course you were, 1\1r. Hackl!

HELLO,

IvlRS. LEVI
TURN AROUND AND TURN AROUND, TRY
FLOATING THROUGH THE AIR
CAN'T YOU BE A LITTLE j\10RE ASTHETIC?
CORNELIUS
DON'T YOU THINK MY DANCING HAS A
POLISH AND A FLAIR?
r.-lRS.LEVI
THE 'WORD I THINK I'D USE IS ATHLETIC!
CORNELIUS
WELL :MY IIEART IS ABOUT TO BURST
MY HEAD IS ABOUT TO POP
AND NOW THAT I'M DANCING 'VIIO CARES
IF I EVER STOP!
...
...

Look at me, everybody! I, Cornelius Hackl ...


Am dancing!

CORNELIUS
\VO\\1, I'r.-'l DANCING!

58

Sport

j\lRS. LEVI

MRS. LEVI
TAKE THE SOMEONE \YHOSE ARMS
YOU'RE IN
HOLD ONTO HER TIGHT AND SPIN
AND ONE 1'\VO THREE, ONE T\VO THREE,
ONE TWO THREE

DOLLY!

You're next, Mr. Tucker!

(Pulling the terrified

BARNABY

downstage]

GLIDE AND STEP AND THEN STEP AND GLIDE


BARNABY
AND EVERYONE STAND ASIDE!
(HE dances)

I 59

HELLO,

DOLLY!

CORNELIUS
I Ie's dancing!
MRS. LEVI
YOU COULD LEARN TO POLKA IF YOU
\VORKED A \VEEK OR SO
OR THE TANGO FILLED "VITH PASSION
SEETHING
BARNABY

HELLO,

\VHEN THERE'S SOMEONE YOU HARDLY


KNO\V
BUT \\fISH YOU \\fERE CLOSER TO
REr..1EMBFR THAT lIE CAN BE NEAR TO YOU
\VHILE YOU'RE DANCING
THOUGH YOU'VE OKLY JUST SAID "HELLO"
HE'S SUDDENLY SOr..1EONE vVHO
CAN j\JAKE ALL YOUR DAYDREAMS APPEAR
TO YOU
\VI-ELE YOU'RE DANCING
(\Valls

I MIGHT JOIN THE CHORUS OF THE CASTLE


GARDEN SHO\V
MRS. LEVI
\VHATEVER YOU DO FOR GOSH SAKES
KEEP BREATHING
ALL THREE
FOR l\[Y HEART IS ABOUT TO BURST
MY I lEAD IS ABOUT TO POP
.\ND NO\\' THAT I'M DANCING \VHO CARES
IF I EVER STOP!
(I\IUSIC continues as I\1RS. LEVI, CORNELIUS, and
BAR!\ABY rush out to dance in the streets. MRS.
J\IOLLO
and MINNIE are left in Shop. A
moment, then CORNELIUS returns and holds out
his arms to I\1RS_ MOLLOY)

MRS. MOLLOY
(As
60

THEY

dance)

DOLLY!

of Shop move off)

MAKE THE MUSIC "VEAVE A SPELL


\VHIRL A\V AY YOUR \VORR Y
THINGS LOOK ALMOST T\VICE AS WELL
\VI-IEN YOU'RE SLIGHTLY BLURRY
l\iRS. LEVI
AS AROUND AND AROUND YOU GO
YOUR SPIRITS vVILL HIT THE TOP
r..lRS. LEVI, CORNELIUS, MRS. MOLLOY
(By now I\IRS. LEVI 113S half the
ill the street dancing)

PEOPLE

AND NO\\! THAT \VE'RE DANCING


\VHO CARES IF \VE EVER STOP
ALL
ONE-T\VO-THREE
ONE-T\VO-THREE
ONE-TWO

61

HELLO,

AND NOvV THAT WE'RE DANCING


V'.1HO CARES IF vVE EVER STOP

(Hat Shop revolves and moves off. DANCEends as


~IINNIE dances off, leaving !vIRS.LEVI alone in the
gathering twiligllt. Applause, then MUSICcontinues
as Deserted Store Olio comes slowly in. OLD LADY
pushing vegetable cart enters)
.
OLD LADY

... Well, well, look who's here! Mrs. Levi. How are you,
Mrs. Levi?
MRS. LEVI

(Slow 1y moving down onto runway)


How are you. Mrs. Ro~e.
OLD LADY

The same. Pains in my back, aches in my side, stabs in


my liver ...
know.

HELLO,

DOLLY!

I'm fine. My daughter Fanny got married,

YOU

MRS. LEVI

lVIRS. LEVI
... Ephraim, let me go! It's been long enough, Ephraim!
Every evening for all these years I've put out the cat,
I've locked the door, I've made myself a little rum toddy
and before I went to bed I said a prayer thanking God
that I was independent, that no one else's life was mixed
up with mine. Then one night an oak leaf fell out of my
Bible. I placed it there when )/Ou asked me to lTlarry YOll,
Ephraim. A perfectly good oak leaf but now without
color and without life. And I suddenly realized that I was
like that leaf. For vears I had not shed one tear nor had
I been filled with the wonderful hope that something or
other would turn out well. And so I've decided to rejoin
the human race! I'm going to marry Horace Vandergclder
and Ephraim I want you to give me away!
(And SHEsings as Deserted Store Olio slowly

rolls up out of sight)


BEFORE THE PARADE PASSES BY
I'M CaNNA GET IN STEP
\VI-IILE THERE'S STILL TIl'vIE LEFT
BEFORE TIlE PARADE PASSES BY
("DANCINGTAG"during which MRS.MOLLOYand
CORNELIUSenter)
~lRS. MOLLOY

Did she?
OLD LADY
A year ago last September. It's been a long time since
you lived here, Mrs. Levi. Such a long long time!
(Her voice fades as MRS. LEVIturns suddenly away
away from the Old Store)

62

DOLLY!

... Mrs. Levi, come along. Cornelius is taking us down


to see the Fourteenth Street Parade. Everybody will be
marching!
MRS. LEVI
Why, Irene ...

you're crying!
I

63

HELLO,

J\IRS. J\10LLOY
011, Dollv, the world is full of wonderful things! Come
with us, Dolly!
l\IRS, LEVI
I will, Irene! I will!
(Crossing

011

runwav )

BEFORE THE PAR.\DE PASSES BY


1'J\1 GO:\':\T,>\GO AND TASTE SATURDAY'S
HIGH LIFE
BEFORE THE PARADE PASSES BY
I'M GONNA GET SO]\,1 LIFE BACK INTO
1\lY LIFE
1'1\1 RE:\DY TO J\lOVE OUT IN FRONT
I'VE HAD Ei'\'OUClT OF JUST PASSING BY LIFE
\\'ITH THE REST OF THEJ\'[
\\71TII THE BEST OF TIlE1\1
I CAN HOLD J\[Y HEAD UP I-IIGH
FOR I'VE GOT .>\GOAL ,".GAIN
I'VE GOT :\ DRIVE AGAIN
I \VANNA FEEL J\[Y HEART COMING ALIVE
AGAIN
BEFORE TIlE PARADE PASSES BY!
(VARIOUS

GROUPS

in parade start on)

LOOK AT THAT CRO\VD UP AHEAD


LISTEN AND HEAR THAT BRASS HARJ\IONY
GRO\VING
LOOK AT '1'11:\T CRO\VD UP AI-lEAD
PARDO:--J J\1 IF MY OLD SPIRIT IS SHO\VING
ALL OF THOSE LIGHTS OVER THERE
64

HELLO,

DOLLY!

DOLLY!

SEEM TO BE TELLING ME \VHERE I'M GOING


\VHEN THE WHISTLES BLOW
AND THE CYMBALS CRASH
AND THE SPARKLERS LIGHT THE SKY
I'M GONNA RAISE THE ROOF
I'M GONNA CARRYON
GIVE J\'IE AN OLD TRO]\1BONE
GIVE ME AN OLD BATON
BEFORE THE PARADE PASSES BY!
(Crosses off

IlI11War

and through

CROWD)

ALL
\\THEN THE PARADE PASSES BY
LISTEN AND HEAR THAT BRASS HAR"MONY
GROWING
\VHEN THE PARADE PASSES BY
PARDON 1'.1EIF MY OLD SPIRIT IS SHO\VING
ALL OF THOSE LIGHTS OVER THERE
SEEM TO BE TELLING J\JE \VlIERE I'M GOING
\VI-IEN THE \VHISTLES BLO\V
AND TI-IE CYMBALS CRASH
AND THE SPARKLERS LIGHT THE SKY
I'M GONNA RAISE THE ROOF
I'M GONNA CARRYON
GIVE ME AN OLD TROMBONE
GIVE J'vIEAN OLD BATON
(Float with GIRLS and mannequin
dressed the same is pushed on)
BEFORE THE PARADE PASSES BYl

I 65

HELLO,

DOLLY!

HELLO,

(ENTIRECROWDmarches around runway during


orchestral chorus, then picks up song again)
I'M GONNA RAISE THE ROOF
1'1\1 GONNA CARRY ON
GIVE ME AN OLD TROMBONE
GIVE ME AN OLD BATON
BEFORE THE PARADE PASSES BY!

IVIRS. LEVi
That's why I'm glad you suggested it! It's ten years since
I've been there but oh what food! And the fastest waiters
in New York! By the way I might be a little late so Miss
Monev will meet vou in front of the restaurant. Wait
till YO{1 see her, Horace, all in buttercup yellow with baby
pink shoes and humming an old-fashioned tune, 'Sweet
Rosie O'Grady,' you couldn't miss her if YOLl tried.

VANDERGELDER
(Pointing

DOLLY!

V ANDERGELDER

to the mannequin)

... Mrs. Levi, she's beautiful! Everything you said and


more! Don't move, Miss "Money, I'm coming! I'm on
my way!
(HE starts up as MAN begins tugging
at figure's arm and pulls it off)

Hey, you, cut that out! That's my fiancee! Stop, thief!


Pickpocket! Put that back, you, I paid for that girl and
I want all the parts!

I'll be there, Dolly, but only because I already paid for


the introduction and I might as well get my money's
worth! But from this point all you are hereby discharged
as m~'marriage broker! Is that clear? From now on, Dolly
Gallagher, you're just a WOman like anyone else! Where
are you taking me? What's going on here?
(The 1IEN are pushing the float off
with VANDERGELDER
on it)

IvIRS. LEVI

carries legs portion at


dummy past V:\NDERGELDER)
(!\IAN

Mrs. Levi! \Vhat

is the meaning at this?


MRS. LEVI

Nothing to get upset about, Horace, a last minute substitution. 1\1iss Money had a sudden urgent business
appointment at the Mint. They ran a little short and
she's helping out. But she'll meet you at the Hurrnonia
Gardens Restaurant at eight o'clock tonight!

Ephraim

...

He's as good as minco

I'M GONNA RAISE THE ROOF


I'M GONNA CARRY ON
GIVE ME AN OLD TRO~JBONE
GIVE ME AN OLD BATON
BEFORE TI-IE PARADE PASSES BY!

VANDERGELDER
That's

66

the most expensive restaurant

in the city!

67

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