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SCENE

Outside the HoHman House .Hotel,


l\IIKME

F:\ Y, l\IRS. l\IOLLOY,

1
CORNELIUS,

CO:\ClIl\J:\N,

HORSE,

Bl\R~l\BY,

in Si1lWll-

ette, at rise.
l\IRS. },10LLOY
(As lights come up)
.. Mr. Hackl. we've just loved looking at the lights of
Fourteenth Street these past four hours. but now perhaps you'd better call a hack or we won't get to the
Harmonia Gardens on time. Oh, there's one! Yoo hoo!

CORNELIUS
Oh we couldn't do that, Mrs. Mollov! It's not the money
or anything like that. it's just th<lt nowadays elegant
people never take hacks.

BARNABY
Hacks is out.

CORNELIUS
They all go by street car.

BARNABY
Street cars is

1Il.

..

~"IINNIE
Just think, I've been elegant all my life and never knew it.

I 71

HELLO,

DOLLY!

CORNELIUS
Of course if you want to be really elegant. ...

HELLO,

DOLLY!

tvIRS. MOLLOY
EXERCISE YOUR \\'ILDEST \VHIMS TONIGHT
\VE ARE OUT V/ITH DIA1\10ND JIMS TONIGHT

J\IRS. J\10LLOY & MINNIE


MINNIE

\Ve do!

CORNELIUS
YOLl

walk.

CORNELIUS & BARNABY


CORNELI US & BARNABY

YES, NE\V YORK


IT'S REALLY US
BARNABY AND
CORNELIUS

SILVER SPOONS \\lERE USED FOR FEEDING


US
\VE GOT ELEGANCE
IF YOU AIN'T GOT ELEGANCE
ALL

MRS. J\10LLOY & MINNIE


ALL THE GUESTS OF MR. HACKL ARE
FEELIN' GREAT AND LOOK SPECTACULAR
ALL
\VHAT A KNACK
THERE IS TO THAT
ACTING LIKE A BORN ARISTOCRAT
\VE GOT ELEGANCE
IF YOU AIN'T GOT ELEGANCE
YOU CAN NEVER EVER CARRY IT OFF
CORNELIUS
ALL \\THO ;\RE
\VELL-BRED AGREE
MINNIE F,-\Y
HAS PEDIGREE
72

COULD THEY BE
MISLEADING US

YOU CAN NEVER EVER CARRY IT OFF


MIDDLE CLASS
DON'T SPEAK OF IT
SAVOIR FAIRE
\VE REEK OF IT
SOME \VERE BORN \VITH RAGS AND
PATCHES BUT
WE USE DOLLAR BILLS FOR MATCHES AND
MINNIE
VANDERBILT
CO\VTO\VS TO US
BARNABY
J.P. MORGAN SCRl\PES AND BOWS TO US
ALL
WE'VE GOT ELEGANCE
WE \VERE BORN WITH

ELEGANCE

I 73

HELLO,

HELLO,

DOLLY!

t\,1RS, I\10LLOY

CORNELIUS
I-L\VE YOU NOTICED
THE SAUCER NEVER

\VHEN I HOLD tvlY CUP


I\10VES

Yes, I\.1r. Hackl?

CORNELIUS

Mrs. Molloy,

MRS, I\10LLOY
A:\,D THE \V,\Y I KEEP I\IY PINKY
INDUBITABLY
PROVES

UP

CUl1lC~
1I0W

by

exit, followed

step as Harmonia
in. A moment,

doing
scrim
THEY re-enter,

HORSE

Gardens
;l1ld

exhausted)

MRS, MOLLOY
Yes, Mr.

Hackl?

May I put my arm around your waist?


MRS. MOLLOY
Ye5, 1\1r. Hackl. ..
corset is a corset.

(As

\VE COT ELEGA?\CE


IF YOU AIN'T GOT ELEG,\NCE
YOU Cr\N NEVER EVER CARRY
\VE GOT ELEGANCE
...

' But I might

exit,

THEY

start on,
SHE'S

lIE'S

AMBROSE and

IT OFF

ERl\IENCARDE

still \veeping)

... But I don't


get married!

want to

be

all

the stage.

I just want to

AMBROSE

they're counting
their money again!
Isn't that just like the rich? Well, gentlemen,
aren't you
going to escort us in?

CORNELIUS

7-+

then

you, a

ERMENGARDE

Oh look Minnie,

I\10110\'! ...

as well warn

still practicing his dance steps,

I\lRS. MOLLOY

Of course we are, Mrs.


Uh, 1\ Irs. Molloy .

Iii

CORNELIUS

THAT \VE GOT ELEGANCE


\\'E GOT BUILT IN ELEGANCE
AND \\,IT1-1 ELEGANCE
... ELEGANCE
...
ELEGANCE
... ELEGANCE
... ELEGANCE
\VE'LL C\RRY
IT OFF!
(TIlEY

Lt

may I , ..

as we start inside,

ALL

same

DOLLY!

You heard Mrs. Levi! This is the only way to show your
uncle we mean business! Now can' you' weep a iittle
faster, you're throwing me off step, ... Faster!
That's it!

(As
Barnaby!

THEY

exit,

ERNESTINA-the

VANDERCELDER

heavy-set

Act I, Scene l-who

enters

CJRL we

first

and

meets

saw in

has hurried on dressed

ill

75

HELLO,

DOLLY!

gaudy )'CllolV dress, bahy pink shoes, and sporting


a huge white boa. \'('hen SHE sees him SHE adopts
a seductive pose and bleats at the top of her
lungs. , . .)

ERNESTINA
S\VEET ROSIE O'GRADY!
~IY S\\,EET LITTLE ROSE.
looks at her, thcn at
then takes her arm and THEY
into Harmonia
Gardens as
lights C011le up slowly behind scrim
and we find ourselves ....
)

SCEN

E 2

...
In the Harmonia
Gardens
Resraurant.
A grand
staircase Center, two curtained-off
private dining rooms
Left and Right. RUDOI.PII, the Harmonia Gardens fairly
Prussian major-domo,
is at Center OJ] thc staircase barking orders. His staff of WAlTERS at attention,

(\',-\:\DERCELDER

audience,
exit Left

RUDOLPH
U nd it is my order, as headwaiter
of the Harmonia
Gardens,
und your supreme commander,
that tonight
of all nights, our usual lightnillg service will be twice as
lightning
as ever, or else!
(lIE blows \\'histle,
MOSIC up and W.-\ITERS
begin rapid-fire sequence of precision crosses
with rravs, napkins, etc. Suddenly ~IUSIC cuts
off, ALL freeze, as curtains
opcn sharplv on
dining room Rigllt and CORNELIUS, ~IRS.
MOLLOY, MINNIE FAY, and BARNABY start in ...
RUDOLPH,

sharply)

trust you are finding this table satisfactory,


sir. The
private dining rooms cost a bit more but they do afford
the best view of the entertainment.

BARNABY
(\\'ho's
One dollar,

been counting money through this)


Cornelius.
That's all that's left.

CORNELIUS
Are you sure? Count

76

it again!

77

HELLO,

MRS.

DOLLY!

HELLO,

l'vIOLLOY

Prepare yourself for a big night,


two of New York's best-known

Minnie.
sports!

DOLLY!

VANDERGELDER
We're

out with

Chicken!

Chickens

arc dear!

RUDOLPH
BARNABY
I did make a mistake, Cornelius.
I'll count it once more.

Und paste rnaisson,


It's only ninety

souffles!

VANDERGELDER
Whv

CORNELIUS

No, don't!

sonp de jour, uud pommcs

cents.

didn't

YOU

tell me this

was an oriental

establish-

ment, we'll t~lke two bowls of rice, now get out!

We can't afford it!

(And
curtain

(And COR=-'ELIUS pulls curtain 011 dining room


Hight shut as RUDOLPH blows whistle. l\IUSIC
up and SE\'ERAL W,\ITERS bearing travs, skewers,
etc. zip hack and forth. Through this RUDOLPH
has crossed stagc and emerges trom Left diniJlg
ruom as curtain) opcn dining room Left,
rC\'caJing \'.\~DE]{CEI.DER
and ER=-'ESTINA who
is busil~' rcpairillg her already ample make-up )

W,\ITERS

hastily leaps tor the


it shut as l\[tJSIC up and more

VANDERCELDER

and ~"l1lks

zip back aIlCI forth

buckets, etc. and


room Right)

curtains

T\IINNIE

with
open

trays, ice
dining

011

FAY

... I'm sorrv, Mrs. Mollov, but I couldn't


at these prices, I really couldn't!

order anything

RUDOLPH

I hope this table will be large enough,


gelcler. You see Mrs. Levi told
bringing \,our ...
\om ....

me nothing

CORNELIUS

Mr. Vanderabout

your

Great grindstones!
What a sensible girl! Waiter,
bring
us four glasses of beer, S0111echeese, and a loaf of yesterday's bread.

VANDERGELDER
:\f:; personal
(To
...

MRS. T\IOLLOY

physician!

Yesterday's
bread! 011 Cornelius,
now J know how you
keep half of New York in stitches all the time!
...
Minnie, have you eyer eaten pheasant?

ERXESTIN.\.)

That's

cnough

rouge,

Doctor!

RUDOLPH
But l\ Irs. Levi onlv ordered

7~

I
I

a chicken

CORNELIUS
for two!

& BARNABY

Pheasant!

I 79

HELLO,

(CORNELIUS

sbms

DOLLY!

curtain shut,

HELLO,

pagne ... and Neapolitan ice crcarnl And Barnaby, gi\c


the bandleadcr five cents and tell him to play the Washington Post March, we want music while we dinc!

WAITER

comes down stairs carrying champagne bottle.


As curtail! opens Left dining room, HE trips,

cork shoots out of bott 1c and


ill front
of VA;-.iDERGELDER)

HE

DOI"LY!

lies prostrate

cross ... ONE takes chicken


by stabbing it with a
SH.\SHLIK skewer. As THEY exit, curtains
open Left dining room)
(TWO

from

ERNESTINA
...
Say, let's order something to hold us 'til the rice
comes! Waiter, would you bring a roast suckling pig with
chestnut and oyster stuffing, cheese fondue, and some
ladyfingers ....
Now, what'll you have?
(Curtains close and WAITERS zip back and
forth with trays, etc. CRNESTINA sticks her
hcad out)
.

W.'~ITERS

OTHER

ERNESTINA
Say, this is a cafe, isn't it? Let's dance!

VANDERGELDER
The Vandergelders do not dance, Miss Moncv.
vVe're Presbyterian.

lIey, make that two suckling pigs! On rye toast!


ERNESTINA

(.\ Iore WAITER crosses and curtains


open dining room Right)

All right, I'll dance myself. Give him two dollars for
the bandlcadcr, will you? And tell him to play something
refined ....
t\ hootchv-kootchvl
.
.

:\fH.S. l\10LLOY
It's sweet of you to worry about our digestion, Cornelius,
but l'm sure the pheasants are fresh.
(To

RUDOLPH)

. \\'e']]

BARNi\.BY

take four, please, and a nice red wine.

All right, Cornelius, I'll send for the band, but promise
you won't order anything else!

CORNELIUS
Wait a minute!

(:t>lUSIC up then VANDERCELDER


appears with purse in hand)

No wine!

l\lRS. MOLLOY & MINNIE

You wait here, Miss Money! I'll tell them to playa nice
waltz!

No wine?

CORNELIUS
Champagne]

80

(v ;\NDERGELDER "anks her imide, curtains


shut, more w AlTER crosses)

It's once in a lifetime,

Barnaby!

Cham-

(And VANDERGELDER and BARNABY trying to


find an available \V.'\lTER become embroiled

81

HELLO,

HELLO,

DOLLY!

in the melee which builds as WAITERS move


taster and faster until entire clockwork of
crossing WAITERS moves at lightning precision
speed. A freeze, and the ballet ends.
TOII'arc1 end at ballet, V:\NDERGELDFR and
BARNABY exit. During applause THEY return ...
\ ..\NDERGELDER,
to a W.UTER)
Look, you, give this to the bandleader
pla y a waltz.

and tell him to

(To

ANOTHER

W.\ITER,

O\erlapping

end

1\1)' purse!
BARNABY

Mr wallet!

to wrong

WAITER)

Here you, that's my purse!


(And

. Here's five cents for the bandleader,


him to playa ...

HE

suuts back with

out from behind curtain)

BARNABY'S

wallet)

would you ten


BARNABY
(Taking VANDERGELDER'S
wrong W.-\.ITER)

ERNESTINA

purse from

Excuse me, but that's my wallet. I know it's mine because there's nothing in but a dollar, three dimes, five
pennies and a ...

it

Whoopeeecl
V:\:t-\DERCELDER
(Dropping

(By this time W.\ITERS have picked up both


purse and wallet and started across stage)

(Runlling

VANDERGELDER)

(Peering

VANDERCELDER

VANDERCELDER

BARNABY
of

DOLLY!

purse

and rushing

(Finds a roll at bills)


back)

Miss Money:
CORNELIUS
And two more pheasants,

. Cornelius. Cornelius!
Did he say two pheasants? Three! Four! Pheasants for
the house! And never mind if we don't see the whale
I'll buy one of my own.
(HE exits into tIle alcove, as RUDOLPH
goes to toot ot stairs. STANLEY runs in)

please!

BARNABY

(Dropping
Cornelius!

82

wallet and rushing

STANLEY

back)
Sir! Sir!

83

HELLO,

HELLO,

DOLLY!

DOLI.Y!

RUDOLPH

RUDOLPH

(As hubbub begins through this)

...
What's this? Shouting? How many times have I
told you not to shout, boy? This is the Harmonia Gardens Restaurant, not one of those.

It's true, yah! She just stepped out of a white and gold
carriage, pulled by six black horses with scarlet plumes ...

STANLEY

COOK

But, sir, she's here! The lady!

After ten years! Ach, Rudolph!

RUDOLPH
What?

Like you told me, sir ... eight o'clock on the nose up
pulls a carriage and out steps a tall lady with red hair
and ...
RUDOLPH
It's she! Mrs. Levi! She's back!
(His reserve forgotten, all excitement,
as COOK rushes on itotu Left. STANLEY goes
up stairs and off)
1ST COOK
...
Rudolph, is it true? I heard somebody laughing
outside the kitchen window and it sounded like ...
RUDOLPH
It is! It's Dolly! ... Fritz! Tell the band! She just stepped
out of her carriage!
2ND COOK
Rudolph,

84

STANLEY

Are you sure, boy?


STANLEY

it's true, no?

It's like old times again!

(\Vho has re-entered down the stairs)


Sir!
(HE

can't be heard through the babble)

Sir!
(A shout)
Rudy!
(A sudden freeze of silence)
She's here!
(~nJSIC
up as every eye goes to the
head of the stairs, the portieres
move and ~1RS. LEVI steps through,
red hair done up magnificently
011 top of her head, SHE descends
stairs as WAITERS, etc. await her
first words)

I\lRS. LEVI
HELLO, HARRY
\VELL, HELLO LOUIE
IT'S SO NICE TO BE BACK HOME
r BELONG

\VHERE

85

HELLO,

DOLLY!

YOU'RE LOOKIN' S\\,ELL, l'dANNY


I CAN TELL, DANNY
YOU'RE STILL GLO\VIN', YOU'RE STILL
CRO\VIN'
YOU'RE STILL GOIN' STRONG
I FEEL THE ROOt-.l S\VAYIN'
FOR THE BAND'S PLAYIN'
Oi\E OF l\lY OLD FAVORITE SONGS FR01\l
\V A)' BACK 'WHEN
SO BRIDGE THAT GAP, FELLAS
FIND 1\1E AN El\'!PTY LAP, FELLt\S
DOLL Y'LL NEVER GO A\V AY AGAIN

HELLO,

DOLLY!

MEN
PROt-.lISE YOU'LL NEVER CO A \V A Y AGAIN
MRS. LEVI
I \VENT A\V AY FROM THE LIGHTS OF
FOURTEENTH STREET
AND INTO MY PERSONAL HAZE
BUT NO'V THAT I'M BACK IN THE LIGHTS
OF FOURTEENTH STREET
TOMORRO\V \V1LL BE BRIGHTER THAN THE
GOOD OLD DAYS
MEN

MEN
HELLO, DOLLY
\\,ELL HELLO, DOLLY
IT'S SO NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK WHERE
YOU BELONG
YOU'RE LOOKING S\VELL, DOLLY
\VE CAN TELL, DOLLY
YOU'RE STILL GLO\VIN', YOU'RE STILL
CRO\VIN'
YOU'RE STILL GOIN' STRONG
\VE FEEL TI-IE ROOM S\VAYIN'
FOR TI-IE BAND'S PLAYIN'
ONE OF YOUR OLD FAVORITE SONGS FROt-.'l
\\' AY BACK \VHEN
1\[RS. LEVI
SO HERE'S ?vlY HAT, FELLAS
I'M STAYIN' \\,HERE 1'1\1AT, FELLA5
86

THOSE GOOD OLD DAYS


ALL MEN
HELLO, \\/ELL HELLO DOLLY
\VELL HELLO, HEY LOOK THERE'S DOLLY
MRS. LEVI
GLAD TO SEE YOU HANK, LET'S THANK
MY LUCKY STAR
:MEN
YOUR LUCKY STAR
MRS. LEVI
YOU'RE LOOKIN' GREAT, STANLEY
LOSE SOME \VEIGHT, STANLEY?
DOLL Y'S OVERJOYED AND OVER \VHELMED
AND OVER PAR

87

HELLO,

DOLLY!

HELLO,

J\'IEN

II

l\,IRS. LEVI

I HEAR THE ICE TI;-JKLE


SEE THE LICHTS T\VINKLE
J\1\'"D YOU STILL GET GLANCES FR01\!I US
IIANDSOME MEN
SO ...
J\[RS. LEVI

LOOK AT THE OLD GIRL NO\V, FELLAS

MEN
\VO\\1!
DOLL y'LL NEVER GO A WAY AGAIN.
applausc there is btiei reprise on which

(After

GOLLY GEE, FELL~S


FI1'\D 1\[E .\ VACANT KNEE, FELL\S

exit.

MRS.

Left

who exits doing same step after last

LEVI

gets

!\.fEN

DAKCE

follmvs

with

1\1RS. LEVI

and

1\1EN )

\:\'ELL, \\,ELL HELLO DOLLY


\\,ELL HELLO, DOLLY
ITS SO NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK \VHERE
YOU BELONG
YOU'RE LOOKIN' S\\,ELL, DOLLY
\\'E C\N TELL, DOLLY
YOU'RE STILL GLO\VIN', YOU'RE STILL
CRO\VIN'
YOU'RE STILL GOIN' STRONG
I HEAR TIlE ICE TINKLE
SEE THE LIGHTS T\VINKLE
AND YOU STILL GET GLANCES FROJ\'I US
HANDSOJ\1E MEN SO
J\IRS. LEVI
\VO\V \VO\V \VO\V, FELLAS

88

1\1EN

from dining room


\\'AITEH)

I HEAR THE ICE TINKLE


SEE THE LIGHT'S T\VINKLE
AND YOU STILL GET GLANCES FROIVl US
IlANDSOJ\[E MEN
SO....
(l\IUSIC

continues)

COOKS
DOLL y'LL NEVER GO AWAY
DOLL y'LL NEVER GO AWAY(:\LL

exit except xms.

V.-\'NDERGELDER

LEVI. A momcnt,
enters bumps into l\IRS.

rhcn
LEVI)

VANDERGELDER
Excuse me, girlie ... Dolly! Dolly Gallagher! What are
you doing in that get-up? And you're a half hour late!
And I demand an explanation of ...

J\:IRS.LEVI

MEN
HEY, YEH!

ERNESTINA

ALL

DOLL y'LL NEVER GO A\VAY AGAIN


(.\

DOLLY!

Ernestina!

89

HELLO,

DOLLY!

HELLO,

VANDERGELDER

VANDERGELDER

She wanted to do the hootchy kootchy!

What are you doing now?

MRS. LEVI

MRS. LEVI

Well, she always was artistic! Horace, I"111going to have


our table moved down front. There's someone in the
dance competition I particularly want you to see.

Nothing. Just looking the place over. Getting acquainted


with the surroundings.

II
I!

DOLLY!

V ANDERGELDER
enter and set table and two chairs
in rapid precision form, then exit. RUDOLPH
stands at attention)
(W.-\ITERS

. Now don't let's say another word about it I'm as


shocked as YOll are Lcan't-eat-a-thing-what-have-youordered?

That's the trouble with you, Dolly. Always wanting to


know everything! Always putting your nose into other
people's affairs. Anvbodv who married you would get as
nervous as a cat.

MRS. LEVI
What? What's that you're saying?

VANDERGELDER
What you wanted ... a chicken! Now see here, Mrs.
Levi, about that hootchv kootchy girl ...

VANDERGELDER
I said anybody who married you would ...

MRS. LEVI

l\tlRS. LEVI
Did VOLl say a chicken, ob I don't think I could face a
chicken, not a chicken, 1I0t today, not after what's happened.
VANDERGELDER
Good! Then cancel the chicken!
l\IRS. LEVI
And bring a turkey!
( DOLLY

parts curtains and peers into dining room)

(Crossing to table, and sitting)


Horace Vandcrgelder, get that idea right out of your
head this minute. I'm surprised that you even mentioned
such a thing. Understand once and for all that I have no
intention of marry you!
VANDERCELDER

I didn't mean that!


MRS. LEVI
Well I certainly do hope not! Horace Vandergelder,
go your way, ..

you

HELLO,
(SHE

points Right witll one hand)

. . . And I'll go mine!

(A windup with other hand, then SHEpoints in


same direction as first hand)

II
I'

I'm not some Irene Mollov whose head can be turned


by a few chocolate covered 'peanuts ... unshelled! Why
the idea of you even suggesting such a thing!
VANDERGELDER
Mrs. Levi, you misunderstood

HELLO,

DOLLY!

me!

rvIRS. LEVI

Well I certainly do hope not!

at once. However, since you brought


there's one more thing I ought to say.
Vi-\NDERG

(SHE starts serving him)


Here's some white meat for you, and dumplings . . .
lighter than air they are ... and some giblets, very tender
and very good for you. No, as I said before, you go your
way ....
(SHE points with the spoons. SHEhas managed to get
a bit oi tood on second spoon and as SHE
\vhips it forward .... )
...

And I'll go mine.


(It flies tllrough the air just missing VANDERCELDER.
RUDOLPHhas meanwhile poured his wine)

Now you start right in on the wine and you'll feel better

92

the matter

up,

ELDER

I didn't bring the matter up at all!


MRS. LEVI

(And

SHE

starts loading her own plate with tood)

One more thing I ought to say before we forget all about


it. It's true I'm a woman who likes to know everything
that's going 011; who likes to manage things; but I
wouldn't like to manage anything as out of control as
your household.
VANDERGELDER

(RUDOLPHand WAITERSenter with tood and wine)


However we won't discuss it any more, here's the
waiter with our food. I'll serve Mr. Vandergelder,
Rudolph.

DOLr,Y!

It's not out of control!


MRS. LEVI
Very well, let's not sav another word about it. Have some
beets, Horace, they're good.
VANDERGELDER
I don't like beets!
l\!RS. LEVI
o b beats
(Sen'in
,

31l\WJ)!)
,

That's good! No, Horace, a complaining, quarrelsome,


friendless soul like you is no sort of companion for me.
You salt your beets ....

(She salts her own)

93

HELLO,

DOLLY!

HELLO,

VANDERGELDER

And I'll salt mine ....


(SHE

salts his.

DOLLY!

RUDOLPH

(Rises)

exits)

I don't want to be charming!

VANDERGELDER

MRS. LEVI
Will you stop saying that!
MRS. LEVI
I won't say another word.
VANDERGELDER
Good!
MRS. LEVI

But you are. Look at you now. You can't hide it. Now
sit down, Horace, and let's talk of something else. But
before we change the subject there's one more thing I am
going to say.
VANDERGELDER
I don't want to hear it! And you're wasting your time,
Dolly Levi! I won't ask you to marry me!
MRS. LEVI

I suppose that means you want me to ask you. Well I'm


sorry, Horace, I'm turning you down.

Except this.
VANDERGELDER

VANDERGELDER

I won't listen!
MRS. LEVI

How can you turn me down when I haven't asked you


anything?
MRS. LEVI

Then have some more beets. They're good.


VANDERGELDER
I don't like beets! I hate beets!

It's no use arguing. I've made up your mind. Here, let


me cut your wings ....
(SHE

cuts turkey

MRS. LEVI
(Piling them on his plate)
That's nice. Now dig right in. Yes, the pity of it is you
could be a perfectly charming, witty, amiable man if you
wanted to.

94

011

his plate)

VANDERGELDER
I've got a headache, I'm going back to my hotel.
;""
\

. MRS. LEVI
>

You can't go now. The dance


begin.

competition's

about to

95

HELLO,

DOLLY!

HELLO,

VANDERCELDER
(Taking

VANDERCELDER

out BARNABY'Swallet)

Wait a minute!

Here's the money to pay for the dinner. Here's. twenty


dollars ... Wait a minute! There's nothing in here but
a dollar, three dimes, five pennies and a button! This
isn't my purse! I've lost my purse!

Barnaby,

That man! That dancer!

MRS. LEVI
Isn't he wonderful! With
win the solid brass Clip!

out of alcove)

that purse you found ....

I can't imagine you without

your purse!

BARNABY
It's Vandergclder'sl

Cornelius,

Come along, Mrs. Molloy. It's been a perfectly wonderful evennig but I'm afraid we're going to have to cut it a
bit short.

MRS. ~10LLOY

we better get out of here!

VANDERCELDER
What am I going to do? I've never been here before, they
don't know me! Stop eating that turkey! I can't pay for
it!
(Through
including

like that he's sure to

CORNELIUS

~/IRS. LEVI
Impossible!

talent

(And the Dance Competition


begins. It is a polka
as l\fRS. LEVI indicated and through this beginning
section VARIOUSCOUPLES, EACH tagged with a number, start onto the floor. Scmewheie through this
CORNELIUSenters)

CORNELIUS
(Peering

DOLLY!

following, l\lORE and MORE COUPLES,


Al\IBROSEand ERl\lENCARDE,start on)

(Hearing
Minnie,
dance!

the music)

a polka!

Cornelius,

I simply must

have one

BARNABY
But Vandergelder

is right there!

We've

got to go!

MRS. MOLLOY
1,lRS. LEVI
Horace, it's the latest thing ... a polka! And there's one
dancer I particular want YOLI to see. Rudolph, move our
table right down front so Mr. Vandergelder
can better
observe his graceful movements.

96

We will go! ...

But we'll dance

our way out!

(And the BOYSare soon part of dance. At climax of

polka, just as RUDOLPH is about to award the brass


cup to ERl\lENCARDEand At--lBROSE,VANDERGELDER
suddenly spies CORNELIUS)

I 97

HELLO,

DOLLY!

VANDERGELDER
Cornelius

IIackl!

CORNELIUS
Mr. Vandergclder

...

V.\NDERGELDER
Barnaby Tucker!

SCENE

( ... In the Courtroom. JUDGE'S Bench, PRISONERS'


Docket. Present arc T\VO POI.ICEl\IEN. COURT CLERK,
and JUDGE at Bench. Squeezed in Docket arc VA\'DERGELDER,

:Mr. Vandergclder

...

CORNELIUS,

]\IRS. l\IOl.LOY,

BARNABY,

l\IIN-

and .\.SSORTED
DANCERS, WAITERS, etc. Through all of this l\1RS. LEVI
remains at her table and cats and cats and eats. And
cats. )
NIE,

BARNABY

RUDOLPH,

AMBROSE,

ER]l.IENGARDE

(A "Waaah!" from somewhcre behind)

V"\NDERGELDER
Ermengardc!
(And general melee begins as V:I.NDERGELDER
snatches brass cup from ER1\L\NG:\RDF., throws it to
ground, confusion, whistles, arrna] of POLICE,
MUSIC throughout.
\\1e hear RUDOLPH shouting,
"Officer, arrest that mall I" etc. Through this
set begins to change, Docket and JUDGE'S Bcnch
arc hrollght on, Courtroom Drop starts in and
we find ourselves .... )

JUDGE
... Quiet! Quiet! That's better! Now, you're all charged
with disturhing the peace, assault and battery, inciting to
riot, and several other equally serious violations of the
law of this city! Is there anyone here to speak in your
behalf? I say, is there anyone here to speak in your
behalf?
(Silence. Then J\1RS. LEVI, who l]as becn eating
through entire scene, crosses to Bench and hands
COURT CLERK her card. HE hands it to JUDGE)
Mrs. Dolly Levi ...

Counselor at Law!

J\1RS. LEVI
Your Honor ...

The defense rests!

(Buzz from Docket)


... In fact the defense does 1110rethan just rest, it abdicates! In favor of the only real culprit, Horace Vandergelder of Yonkers, New York!

98

99

HELLO,

DOLLY!

HELLO"
V ANDER

VANDERGELDER
Dolly!

GELDER

I'll do it again!
MRS.

LEVI

The one man responsible for these grievous


cruelty to a poor unfortunate
minor!

charges

... Would you mind repeating

that, dear.

(SHE does it again)


CORNELIUS
Begging your pardon, Mrs. Levi, but if it please the court
I have something to say.
MRS.

JUDGE
cousin Dolly!

(And l\IRS. LEVI cautions

You've done it again too. But even if YOll hadn't I'd still
say what I have to say. ... I don't know much about disturbing the peace or inciting to riot, but I do know that
what happened to me today, which is the most important
thing that can happen to a man, might never have happened if I'd obeyed your orders and stayed in Yonkers,
New York! Your Honor, I am talking about none other
than ....
Love!
VANDERGELDER

LEVI

The very person to sum up for the defense. Go right


ahead, ~1r. Hackl, and I'm certain you'll find no more
impartial and unbiased listener than the man I see before
me on that bench!
. Goodnight,
Your Honor,

Goodnight,

CORNELIUS

of

(ERJ\1ENGARDEwails)

What? You're trying to tell me that after thirty-three


years you've fallen in love because you take one evening
off?
CORNELIUS
Oh no, Mr. Vandergelder. I didn't fall in love with Mrs.
Irene Molloy of this city in just an evening. An hour!
Even that's too long! What's less than a minute!

him to

"ShhIJIJ!" as SHE hastily exits)

MINNIE

Cornelius Hackl, if you dare to testify against me, you'll


be discharged!

CORNELIUS
Less than that!

CORNELIUS
already done that, Mr. Vandergelder.

100

FAY

A second!

VANDERGELDER

You've

DOLLY!

MINNIE
A ...

FAY

a moment!

101

HELLO,

HELLO,

DOLLY!

CLERK

COR0.'ELIUS
That's

it!
(As

...

l\IUSIC

comes up, to

CLERK)

I missed a few words back there, Mr. Hackl. Right after


'it only' , , ,

I'll go slowly so you can get it all down.

IT ONLY TAKES A ~-IO~1ENT


FOR YOUR EYES TO ~1EET AND THEN
YOUR HEART KNO\\'S IN A ~10'\IENT
YOU vVILL r\EVER BE ALONE AGAIN
I HELD HER FOR AN INSTANT
BUT ~IY AR~IS FELT SURE AND STRONG
IT ONLY TAKES A ~10MENT
TO BE LOVED A \VHOLE LIFE LONG ...
(l\IUSIC
continues as CORNELIUS speaks with quiet
naive sincerity first to the JUDGE and then gradually
to the entire audience)

... Isn't the world full of wonderful things? There I sat


cooped up in Yonkers for years and years and all the time
wonderful people like Mrs. Molloy were walking around
in New York and I didn't know them at all! I don't know
whether you can all see from where you're sitting, , , well
for instance the way her eve and forehead and cheek
come together up here, Cal{ you? I tell you right now a
fine woman is the greatest work of God on Earth! You
can talk all you like about Niagara Falls and the Pyramids
they aren't in it at all. Of course I've seen women before
but today I talked to one equal to equal, and they're so
different from men! And they're awfully mvstcrious, too,
I bet YOU could know a woman a huncfred 'years without
ever being really sure whether she liked vou or not. Today I've lost so manv things, Mv job, my future, e\'crything that people think is important, but I don't care!
Even if I 118\'e to dig ditches for the rcst of my life, 1'11
be a ditch digger who once had a wonderful day,

102

DOLLY!

ALL IN DOCKET
(A bellow at

CLERK)

, , , TAKES A ~IOl\IENT!
BUT HIS ARl\fS FELT SURE AK'D STRONG
IT O;'JL Y TAKES A l\10l\-lENT
MRS, MOLLOY
HE HELD l\IE FOR AN INSTANT
BUT I-IlS ARl\IS FELT SAFE AND STRONG
IT ONLY TAKES A 1\rOl\IENT
TO BE LOVED A \\'HOLE LIFE L00.'"G
CORi"ELIUS
Al\'D THAT IS ALL
THAT LOVE'S ABOUT
l\IRS, l\10LLOY
AJ\'D \VE'LL RECALL \VHEN TI~IE RUI\'S OUT
BOTII
THAT IT ONLY TOOK A l\IO)'IENT
TO BE LOVED A \\'IIOLE LIFE LONG!
JUDGE
(In tears)
, Dismissed,
dismissed!
All dismissed!
All except
Horace Vanc1ergeldcr of Yonkers, New York! You're all

103

HELLO,

DOLLY!

HELLO,

dismissed! You're frce, my children! And bless you! Go,


go ....

DOLLY!

V ANDERGELDER
Now hold on, Dolly ...

(lIE

exits. {ol1O\\'illg

Y.\:-\DERCELDER

enters

E\'ERYO:-\E ELSE,

alone in Docket.

le~l\'ing

POLICHUN

\\'jth :'I.IRS. LE\,I)

POLICE:\IAN

i\IRS. LEVI
It's too late, Horace. I've failed. And when a woman
fails, there's nothing else she can say....
VANDERGELDER

You can see the prisoner now, Mrs. LC\'i!


i\IRS. LEVI
\\'ell, Horace, there's your life. Without niece, without
clerks, without bride and without your purse. It looks
like there's only one more thing to say ...

Wait!
MRS. LEVI
But ...
VANDERGELDER

VA;\,DERGELDER
Hey!
If it's to ask me to marry you, Dolly Gallagher, never!
l\' ot ill a million years! U nder no circumstances will I
ever marry you!
i\lRS. LEVI

Oh that wasn't it at all, Horace, all I wanted to say to you


\\'as ....
(SHE

sings)

GOODBYE!
VANDERGELDER
\Vhat?
l\IRS. LEVI
GOODBYE!

10-+

MRS. LEVI
GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE
GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE
DON'T TRY TO STOP i\lE HORACE PLEASE ...
WAVE YOUR LITTLE HAND AND \VHISPER
SO LONG DEARIE
YOU AIN'T GONKA SEE l\IE ANYl\IORE
BUT \\'HEN YOU DISCOVER THAT YOUR LIFE
IS DREARY
DON'T YOU COl\1E A KNOCKIN' AT i\lY DOOR
FOR I'LL BE ALL DOLLED UP
AND SINGIN' THAT SONG
THAT SAYS YOU DOG, I TOLD YOU SO
SO \VAVE YOUR LITTLE HAr\D A;\'D '''I-IISPER

105

HELLO,

HELLO,

DOLLY!

SO LONG DEARIE
DEARIE, SHOULD I!AVE SAID SO LONG
SO LONG AGO
BECAUSE YOU'VE TREATED
1'.1 SO ROTTEN
AND ROUGH
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF FEELIN' LO\V
SO \VAVE YOUR LITTLE HAND AND \VHISPER
SO LONG DEARIE
DEARIE \VOULD I-IAVE SAID SO LONG
SO LONG AGO
(SHE takes his hat and cane. The Red
Drop comes down in back of her)

FOR I CAN HEAR TIIAT CHOO


1'.'lE ON
TO A FANCY NE\\, ADDRESS
YES, I CAN H;\R THAT CHOO
1'.1E ON

CHOO

CALLIN'

And

011

CHOO

break)

those cold winter nights, Horace ....

(i\IUSICAL

break)

You can snuggle up to your cash register.


(MUSIC\.L

break)

It's a little lumpy but it rings!


DON'T

106

COl\1

A KNOCKIN'

I'LL BE ,'\LL DOLLED UP


AND SINGIN' THAT SONG
THAT SAYS YOU DOG, I TOLD YOU SO
SO HORACE, YOU \\TILL FIND YOUR LIFE A
SAD OLD STORY
\VHEN YOU SEE YOUR DOLLY SHUFFLE OFF
TO GLORY
OH I SHOULD HAVE SAID SO LONG. , .
. , By the way, the wedding's eleven o'clock tomorrow
mOfl1mg.
SO LONG AGO!
(Lights up, as FeecI Store comes clown into position.
VANDERGELDER
is seated on chair)
VANDERGELDER

CALLIN'

ON BOARD THAT IIAPPINESS EXPRESS


I'M GONNA LEARN TO DANCE AND DRINK
AND S1'.10KE A CIGARETTE
1'1'.1GUN AS FAR A\VA Y FROl\l YONKERS AS A
GIRL CAN GET
(i\IUSICAL

DOLLY!

(To himself)
, And I wouldn't marry you, Dolly Levi, if you were
the last woman on earth. Not if you asked me a million
times. I didn't need YOLl before and I don't need you
now. Dolly Levi, you
your way .. ,
.

go

(HE points)
.. And I'll go mine.
(And HE points in same direction.
Realizing at last ... )
Dolly, ..
(A shout as lIE bangs on trapdoor)
.. Dolly! !
CORNELIUS
You stamped, Mr. Vandergelder?

107

HELLO,

DOLLY!

HELLO,

VANDERGELDER
What? Oh,

SO

DOLLY!

VANDERGELDER

it's you, is it, Mr. Hackl?

Come

crawling

back, have you?

You can't do this to me, any of you! I'll go to the courts!


I'll get lawyers! I'll ... I'll ...

~IRS. LEVI

CORNELIUS
No. Mr. Vandergcldcr!

I just stopped by for my


hundred
and forty-six dollars and thirty-five cents.
see, I've decided to go into business and since the
business I know is hay and feed, I'm opening my
store.

one
You
only
own

in)

(Sweeping

Whv, Horace Vandergcld er, as I live and breathe, if vou


aren't handsome
in that outfit! So few men nowadavs
have the courage to wear faun vellow and puce.

VANDER GELDER
MRS. MOLLOY

Dolly

Gallagher!

(Entering)

~IRS. LEVI

And Cornelius
has found the perfect location,
dergelder. Right across the street from you.

Mr. Van-

VANDERGELDER
So you think you can compete
you? Well, just you try!

with Vandergelder's,

I know just what you're going to sav, Horace. you're not


satisfied with Ernestina.
Well, I have another girl for
YOll, the ideal wife, but don't
let me interrupt
you, you
were doing something, what were you doing?

do

t-.IRS. MOLLOY
Getting Cornelius'
six dollars ....

BARNABY

money,

( Entering)
And thirtv-five

cents.

VANDERGELDER
one come

crawling,

BARt\ABY
is it? What

do you

Plus six dollars

and twelve

My back salary for the past four months


and twelve cents!

cents

of mille!

ERt\IENGARDE

BARNABY

108

and forty-

CORNELIUS

Ahem!

Aha! Another
want?

Dolly, one hundred

...

Six dollars

( Upstairs with
And the money

my

A:\IBROSE)
I\IaI11111J

left me ....

109

HELLO,

HELLO,

DOLLY!

to grow! Anyhow,

AIVIBROSE
Fifty-two

dollars and forty-eight

Vandergelder!

cents!

for that

that's

Which

DOLLY!

the opinion of the second Mrs.


reminds me, Ephraim,
I'm ready

sign!

VANDERCELDER

VANDERCELDER

Thirty-eight!
(Coming
downstairs as
appears through door)

& ERIvlENGARDE

AMBROSE

Well, don't

Forty-eight!

Just stand there!


l\IRS.

VANDERCELDER
. All right, all right!
safe is upstairs.
(THEY

If it's the money

exit quarreling

you want,

the

Well, Horace,

WORnL\~

That

goes upstairs!

LEVI

as I was saying,

I've found you the ideal

wife.

audibly over sums oi money)


VANDERGELDER

i\lRS.

LEVI

Monev,
money, money,
money, rnoncyl Mr. Vandergelder's money. It's like the sun we walk under ... it can
kill or cure. Vandergelder's
never tired of saying that
most people in the world are fools, and in a way he's
right, isn't he? Himself,
Irene, Cornelius,
mvself
Yes,
we're all fools and we're all in danger of destroying
the
world in our folly, but the surest way to keep us out of
harm is to gi\'e us the four or five human pleasures that
are our right in the world ... and that takes a little
moncv. Now the difference between a little nioncv and
and no money at all is enormous
... and can shatter the
world! And tile difference between a little monev and an
enormous amount
of money is ycry slight, and that can
shatter the world too. It's all in how you use it. As my
late husband, Ephraim
Levi, used to say, moncy ... pardon the expression
.. is like manure. It's not worth a
thing unless it's spread around encouraging
young things
110

Dolly Gallagher,
I don't want you to find me no ideal
wivesl If I want an ideal wife, I'll find one of my own,
and I've found her! And it's you, damrnit!
:t\IRS. LEVI

Why, Horace

...
VANDERGELDER

I know I've been a fool about Mrs. Molloy ,1I1d that other
woman, but Dolly, forgive me and marry' me'
MRS.
Horace

...

LEVI

stop right there!


VANDERGELDER

\Vhat

do you mean?

III

HELLO,

DOLLY!

BELLO,

l\HZS. LEVI

weddings! Besides,
me weeks, months,

You know as well as I do, Horace, that you're the first


citizen of Yonkers. And yom wife would have to be a
somebody.
Answer me, am I a somebody?

(Reads
...

card

All right,

I don't know how and it would take


years to learn ....
SITE

to him)

MRS. LEVI

woman!

I never thought

Horace!
that!

MRS. LEVI
(Crossing

extends

I'll dance.

VANDERGELDER
You are, wonderful

DOLLY!

to caress cash register)

Oh, you're partial. No, Horace, it won't be enough for


you to load your wife with money and jewels, to insist
that she be a benefactress
to half the town ... Bv the
way, it's bad business letting Cornelius open a store ~right
across the street from you. Better take him back and let
him be your partner.

VANDERGELDER

(WORDIAN

appears

I'd hear

YOl1

say a thing

like

upstairs)

VANDERCELDER
That front
ing for?

room,

idiot! Well,

go on! What

are you wait-

l\1RS. LEVI
Horace

Vandergclder,

Partner?

what is going on up there?

VANDERCELDER
MRS. LEVI

And Barnaby

can have Cornelius'

old job!

Oh, nothing, r just thought


done over in blue wallpaper.

VANDERGELDER
Now see here,

Dolly.

way we'll all be together

Horace

112

front

room

...

VANDERCELDER

VANDERGELDER
docs it! You've

that

so we can dance at Ennen-

garde's wedding!

That

have

MRS. LEVI

, .

MRS. LEVI
That

I'd

gone too far, Dolly!

I'll dance at no

I know the old paper ain't worn out, yet, but that fclla's
just set up ill business and needs a good start Y OLl see,
Dolly, I've always felt that mOllcy, pardon the expression,
is like manure. It's not worth a thing unless.
I 113

HELLO,

HELLO,

DOLLY!

MRS. l\'lOLLOY & CORNELIUS

MRS. LEVI
(Looking

out)

HELLO DOLLY, \\TELL 1IELLO, DOLLY


ITS SO NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK \VHERE
YOU BELONG

Thank you, Ephraim!

VANDERGELDER

(OTlIER

HELLO, DOLLY
\\TELL, HELLO, DOLLY
ITS SO NICE TO HAVE YOU HERE \\'HERE
YOU BELONG
(Takes hcr hand and leads her ccnter)
I NEVER KNE\V, DOLLY, \VITHOUT

YOU,

DOLLY
LIFE \VAS A\\'FULLY FLAT, AND l\IORE THAN'
THAT
\\'AS .\ \\'FULLY \\'RONG
(TIlEY

SO, HERE'S l\IY HAT, HORACE


1'l\1 S'L\ YI1\" I lERE 1'1\1AT, HORACE
DOLLY'LL NEVER GO A\VAY
V,\i\DERGELDER
woman!

BOTII
AGAIN!
(l'I1HS. LEVI

spot up

114 I
I

PRIKCIP.-\LS

enter)

ALL
(\\"AITERS

cnter!

YOU'RE LOOKI~' S\\TELL, DOLLY


\VE CAN TELL, DOLLY
YOU'RE STILL GLO\VIN', YOU'RE STILL
CRO\VIN'
YOU'RE STILL GO!:'," STRONG
t ,
(

D.-\KCINC

.,

PEOPLE

en t CI )

ALL

dancc)
l\IRS. LEVI

\Vonckrful

DOLLY!

punches cash registcr. Lights out and


and CORKELIUS upstairs)

011 ~1RS. MOLLOY

TAKE THE SOl\IEONE \VHOSE AR1\IS YOU'RE


IN'
HOLD O~ TO HER TIGHT AND SPIN AND
(Feed Store goes off)
ONET\VO-THREE.
ON"E,T\VO-THREE,
ONE,T\VO-THREE
LOOK, 1'~1 DANCING
AS AROUND .'\ND AROUND YOU GO
YOUR SPIRITS \VILL HIT THE TOP ,'\1\'D
NO\\' THA'f 1'l\1 DA::-\CING \VHO CARES IF I
EVER STOP
lIE IIELD HER FOR .-\N INSTA:\'T

115

HELLO,

DOLLY!

HELLO,

BUT HIS ARI\IS FELT SURE AND STRONG


IT O~LY TAKES A I\:IOMENT
TO BE LOVED A 'VHOLE LIFE LONG
(the

"SUl\D.-\ Y CLOTHES"

PEOPLE

(PRIKCIP.U.S

l\IRS. LEVI
\\'0\\',
\\'0\\', \\'O\V FELL\S
LOOK AT TIlE OLD GIRL 1\'0\\', FELLAS

parade)

PUT O:'-JYOUR SU:'-JDAYCLOTHES '''HEN YOU


FEEL DO\YN AND OUT
STR UT DO\VN THE STREET AND HAVE YOUR
PICTURE TOOK
DRESSED LIKE A DREAI\1 YOUR SPIRITS SEEM
TO TURN ABOUT
THAT SUr\DAY SHINE IS A CERTAIN SIGN
THAT YOU FEEL AS FINE AS YOU LOOK
BENEATH OUR P,-\R.-\SOL THE \\'ORLD IS ALL
A Sl\JILE
THAT l\IAKES YOU FEEL BRAND NE\V DO\VN
TO YOUR TOES
introduced
bO\n last)

DOLLY!

ALL
DOLL )"LL I'\EVER GO ~.-\
\\'AY :\G.\IN.

CURTAIl\"

are taking their bows Center,

by

V.\NDERCELDER.

\'ANDERCELDER

GET OUT YOUR FEATHERS, YOUR PATENT


LEATHERS,
YOUR BEf\DS AND BUCKLES AND BOV/S
FOR THERE'S NO BLUE l\IONDAY IN YOUR
SU1\'DA Y CLOTHES
(MRS.
LE\,! enters through
center alley
and crosses down to circle 011 runwav )

\\,ELL, \\,ELL, HELLO DOLLY


\YELL IIELLO DOLLY
IT'S SO NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK \VHERE
YOU BELONG SO
116

117