Helping Children

Title of Course: Helping Children Learn to Listen
CE Credit: 1 Hour
Learning Level: Introductory
Author: Adina Soclof, MS, CCC-SLP
Abstract:
Parents, teachers, and other adults often complain that their children do not listen to them. In fact, failure to
listen is a common occurrence among all children, at least some of the time. When it becomes a chronic
condition, that is, when a child rarely or never listens to adults, it becomes clinically worrisome because the
safety and well- being of the child can be at risk. The failure to develop good listening skills is also a threat to a
childs learning processes. It is difficult to comprehend and follow directions if one is not listening.
Furthermore, children who do not listen are likely to have difficulties in their relationships with both adults
and peers. This course will teach clinicians effective and practical strategies for helping children learn to listen
so they can better counsel their clients parents and caregivers in the use of these skills. By implementing the
techniques presented here, parents and other adults can teach children to listen, thereby decreasing the
occurrence of power struggles and frustration. Children can then move on to other important social and
educational developmental tasks.
Learning Objectives:
1.
2.
3.
4.
Describe four reasons why children fail to listen to adults

List four ways to set up homes and plan for successful listening and cooperation
Identify 16 tools that can help encourage and facilitate listening skills in children
Identify four phrases that parents can use to stop arguing with children and enforce their rules
Author Bio:
Adina Soclof, MS, CCC-SLP, a certified Speech-Language Pathologist, received her masters degree from
Hunter College in New York in Communication Sciences. She worked as a Speech Pathologist in preschools for
the developmentally disabled in the New York school system before staying home full time with her family.
She reentered the workforce as a Parent Educator for Bellefaire Jewish Childrens Bureau facilitating How to
Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk, and Siblings Without Rivalry workshops and
presentations based on Raising Your Spirited Child. Adina also runs workshops based on "How to Talk so Kids
can Learn: At Home and at School" for teachers and other mental health professionals. She has been featured
at numerous non-profit organizations and private schools in Cleveland. Adina developed TEAM
Communication Ventures and conducts parenting and teacher training via telephone nationwide. She lives
with her husband and four lively children in Cleveland, Ohio.
2013 Professional Development Resources
| www.pdresources.org | 10-56 Helping Children Learn to Listen |
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Helping Children Learn to Listen

Introduction
My kids don't listen to me!
My kids are so stubborn and strong willed!
Why wont my kids follow the simplest directions?
How can I make my kids listen?
Complaints like these are so common among parents that one might conclude that not listening is the norm rather
than the exception among children. In fact, failure to listen is a common occurrence among all children at least some
of the time. When it becomes a chronic condition, that is, when a child rarely or never listens to adults, it becomes
clinically worrisome because the safety and well-being of the child can be at risk. The failure to develop good listening
skills is also a threat to a childs learning processes. It is difficult to comprehend and follow directions if one is not
listening. Furthermore, children who do not listen are likely to have difficulties in their relationships with both adults and
peers.
There are two general types of children who are chronically poor
listeners: children with oppositional or conduct disorders and those
with communication disorders. These are obviously two very different
groups, and the approaches to remediation will be very different.
Therefore, the first order of business in this course will be to address
the question: what kinds of children can benefit from the strategies
and interventions discussed here? For starters, we might place
children into one of three very general categories:
1. Typically developing children
2. Children with language delays or communication issues
3. Children with oppositional defiant and conduct disorders
Of these three groups, the first two will be good candidates for the techniques provided in this course. Typically
developing children may be poor listeners for a variety of reasons that will be described herein. The interventions
described here will help them become better listeners and assist them in their relationships with adults and in their dayto-day development.
Children with language delays do experience greater difficulty following directions, which parents perceive as not
listening to them. This results in a constant struggle between parents and children, frustrating the children who feel
that their parents overreact and dont understand them, as well as the parents who do not understand why their
children exhibit such resistant behavior all the time. Children with language delays and communication disorders will
need ongoing language interventions because of the deficits that are part of their developmental conditions.
Intervention is crucial for this group so that they can learn better communication skills and get on with their social and
emotional development.
The third group, however children with more serious behavior disorders are not likely to benefit from the
interventions described in this course. These children and adolescents have underlying behavior patterns that will
require serious and ongoing mental health interventions. The techniques offered in this course would not be effective
with antisocial youth because they are based on underlying motivational mechanisms that are not present in individuals
with oppositional defiant disorder or conduct disorder.
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The second question to be addressed here is: what is the age range of children who are likely to respond to this type of
training? The answer is that most of the techniques described here can be tailored to the age and development level of
the child or adolescent. Examples of modifying statements and techniques for use with children and adolescents are
included in a number of sections. In fact, it may even become clear that some of these techniques can be adapted for
use with adults.
This course focuses on clinicians in their role as educators to parents trying to manage non-compliant behaviors that
are related to underdeveloped listening skills. The purpose of this course is to teach clinicians effective and practical
strategies so they in turn can counsel parents and caregivers on how to engage their children positively, fostering an
environment of improved communication and cooperation.
Effective strategies enable us to manage our caseloads, while being a support source for our clients other helping
professionals, i.e., teachers, educators, parents and caregivers. Opportunities abound for school-based professionals like
SLPs, counselors, social workers, and school psychologists to help parents and caregivers address challenging behavior.
Once they are able to understand the link between language disorders and misbehavior, they are able to manage noncompliant behavior much more effectively.
Research shows that parents and caregivers of children with difficult temperaments or communication disorders
experience significant stress (Meyer & Prizant, 1993; McLeod & Watts-Pappas, 2009, pp.28-29; Flasher & Fogle, 2004,
p.161). It is now well established that children with language impairment are more likely than typically developing
children to experience behavioral difficulties (Greene, 2005 pp. 23-31; Alderson, Kofler, Rapport, 2007; Bashir &Singer
1999; Cooper-Kahn & Dietzel, 2008). Parents who are experiencing frustrations with their child need to know that
children can be taught better listening skills. With encouragement and support, parents can learn effective techniques to
facilitate better listening, and become capable of effecting changes in their home (Lindsay & Dockrell, 2012).
Helping parents find more successful ways to interact with their children permits them to feel more capable in
their interactions with their children and decrease their perceptions of their childrens communication difficulties.
This supports research demonstrating that involving parents directly in language intervention can result in positive
changes in parentchild interaction strategies, quality of the parentchild relationship, and parent satisfaction with
language interventions (Adamson et al., 2011).
This course will provide specific techniques that clinicians can use to counsel parents and caregivers on how to manage
their childs non-compliant behavior. The skills that are needed will be discussed in detail so that clinicians can work with
caregivers to develop the necessary tools and have them available when the misbehavior or non-compliance occurs.
Why Are Children Non-Compliant?

In this section we will list four psychological and sociological reasons why children are non-compliant and have trouble
listening. It should be understood that these dynamics are common to all children, not only those with language delays.
1. Listening is Difficult for Children

One of the major reasons why children do not listen and are non-compliant and is because listening is not easy.
Children have a hard time listening. Adults who have to sit in long meetings and lectures can commiserate. It takes a lot
of concentration and energy to listen. Listening requires quiet and an ability to attend to your surroundings and to
discern the important messages that are being conveyed. Its easier for children to listen when the message pertains to
them, which is not always the case (McDuffie & Yoder, 2010).
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Sometimes children have been listening the whole day at school and when they come home they are tired. Often they
are immersed in pretend play, reading, video games or TV and they truly dont hear their parents.
What we perceive as non-compliant or strong-willed behavior can also just be a child struggling to listen. Children with
auditory processing issues and other language disorders have a harder time than other children (Hoskins & Collins,
1979), but modifications to the home or classroom can improve their listening skills. Strategies like those listed here can
help (www.asha.org/about/news/tipsheets/Is-your-child-a-poor-listener.htm retrieved January 16, 2013):
Seat the child away from auditory and visual distractions to help maintain focus and attention.
Structure the environment using a consistent routine.
Before speaking, first gain the childs attention and then give directions.
Avoid asking the child to listen and write at the same time.
Speak slowly and clearly by using words that make sequence clear such as "first," "next," and "finally."
It is important to remember that children usually want to do the right thing. They need their parents love and, even
more so, their approval. If children are not listening it is probably because they truly can't. This is one of the points of
departure for children with oppositional and defiant disorders, as noted earlier. They do not necessarily want to do the
right thing, nor are they overly concerned for their parents approval.
2. Children Need Independence

Children, like all human beings, possess a strong desire for independence. It is actually a basic human need. Being
independent makes us feel that we have some control over our decisions and our fate. We are empowered by knowing
that we can think for ourselves, take care of ourselves, and rely on ourselves to survive in this world. Independence is
the foundation for self-respect and belief in ones self.
Children are often torn between wanting their parents to take care of them and needing to feel independent. They are
confused. When their parents ask them to do something and they need to comply, they are also battling their inner
voice which might be telling them:
"You don't need to listen to anyone. You are your own boss. You can do your own thing!"
The resulting defiance and non-compliance can be an outgrowth of this internal psychological struggle of wanting to
listen to their parents but also needing to assert their autonomy.
This idea is better understood when put into adult terms. Imagine your reaction if your spouse said to you:
"Take out the garbage now!"
"It is time to go. Stop cooking dinner and come with me!"
We would experience similar inner voices:
"You don't need to listen to anyone; dont tell me to take out the garbage; tell him to take it out himself.
You are your own boss and you can do your own thing. You can cook when you want to cook and leave when
you want to leave.
As you can see, this basic need for independence that all humans possess can compromise childrens ability to listen
(Flasher & Fogle, 2004 p. 111; Ginott, 1971).
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3. Democracy Works for Countries, Not Families

The case can be made that children today have a tougher time listening to authoritative figures than children in earlier
generations. Why is this? Primarily because modern parents those born in the 60s, 70s, and 80s are not as
comfortable setting down rules and demanding respect from children as their parents were when they were growing up.
Our generation was taught to embrace the notion that authority should not be questioned or challenged. We were
ingrained with the democratic principles that everyone should be treated equally, and therefore we have a much harder
time than our parents did of putting ourselves in the role of the absolute authoritarian. The parenting standard You will
do it because Im your parent and I said so was an accepted rationale when we were growing up, but no longer feels
right to us as we parent our children.
Not only do todays parents have difficulty commanding authority, but modern children do not possess that instinctive
sense of how to obey their parents that was present just a generation or two ago. The human rights movement of the
1960s shifted our traditional mores. Duty and obedience were basic universal values in earlier eras, and people were
expected to be submissive to higher authorities. Today, submissiveness and obedience at home, on TV, and in schools
are outdated principles.
Compare, for instance, the attitudes toward parenting and portrayal of
child-adult relationships in popular family-themed TV shows from previous
generations, such as My Three Sons, Brady Bunch, A Family Affair, and
recent shows, such as Modern Family, The Simpsons, and 8 Simple Rules,
and the dramatic shift in culture and attitude is quickly demonstrated.
American culture values democracy, individualism and independence.
Children have no point of reference and no models of obedient behavior.
Todays children are simply following the trend. Consciously or
unconsciously they have picked up on the ethics of their home and their
society. They want to be treated with respect and dignity just like everyone
else. There is no frame of reference of dutiful, obedient, submissive
behavior for them.
Society has unwittingly taught children to fight for their rights, and children
are balking at the slightest attempts to reign in their negative behavior. It
might sound ridiculous initially, but kids have difficulty listening (or behaving) because they are being told not to by the
underlying messages of our homes, school and culture.
Adults uncomfortable asserting their authority and children unable to accept it creates a complex situation for parents.
Attempting to manage their homes on the principles of individualism, independence, and democracy, parents regularly
face behavior and obedience challenges. For children to grow up productive and emotionally healthy they need
authority figures in their lives. Those authority figures need to be their parents and teachers. Without limits and rules,
children are unhappy, stressed, anxious and depressed.
So underneath all their bluster, kids really want to learn how to listen to their parents. They want to respect their
parents and they want parents to teach them how to comply and obey their rules.
4. Children Will Routinely Misbehave

It is helpful for parents to know that most children will misbehave and will not listen, at least on occasion. Noncompliant behavior is a normal part of the parent-child interaction. Most young children and even teens lack selfcontrol until they have more life experience. As they mature, they slowly learn the rules of how to behave and be more
compliant.
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Parents roles include disciplining their children and teaching them to listen. Discipline need not and should not be
punitive. It really means teaching children the rules for living. A key component of that is teaching children good
listening skills.
As we move forward in the course, we need to keep in mind the following observations in order to help children listen:
1.
2.
3.
4.
Listening is tough for kids.

They need us to respect their instinct for independence.
They want to be obedient but dont know how.
Misbehavior is a natural part of growing up.
Consequently, when we are helping and teaching our kids to listen to us, we need to do the following:
1.
2.
3.
4.
Understand that listening is a learned skill and is not instinctive.

Ask children to comply with our wishes in a way that does not compromise their independence.
Find ways to maintain authority kindly and gently so that kids have an easier time accepting our authority.
View misbehavior as an opportunity to teach and guide, and not automatically assume it is a defect that can be
corrected only through punitive action.
Setting Up a Home Environment That Will Promote Successful Listening

In this section we will discuss how parents can set up the home for successful listening. The easiest way to accomplish
this is to ensure that the home environment is conducive to cooperation. Routines and child-friendly conditions go a
long way in helping children learn to listen.
1. Establishing Routines and Predictability

Children thrive on predictability and routine. To help them listen, we need to maintain a predictable schedule. When
children know what is expected of them, they have a much easier time listening, and are much more likely to be
cooperative. Conversely, when children do not know what to expect, they are most inclined to be argumentative and
oppositional.
Mornings
This may not be welcome news for some parents, but we all need to hear it:
morning starts at night. Specifically, we need to start preparing for our
mornings the night before. Although this seems obvious, most of us are tired at
night and dont have the energy needed to organize ourselves for the next day.
But the more structured we are, the easier it is for kids to listen.
The evenings are the best time to straighten the house, prepare lunches,
backpacks, and sign homework and permission slips. Lay out their clothing for
the next day (or have older children pick out the clothing) and make sure it is
clean and ready to wear.
A few minutes of organizing at night will go a long way toward ensuring a
peaceful morning. It is easier for kids to listen and cooperate when their
parents are calm and prepared (Hadley & Schuele, 1998).
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Evenings
Having a schedule set for the evening hours is critical. Younger children feel more secure when they know: first we have
dinner, then we have a bath, then we brush our teeth, etc. They are able to listen better when they know what to
expect.
Older children find it helpful when they have a set time to do homework, play on the computer, eat dinner and get into
bed.
The real key to preparing a routine is to involve the child and include his or her input. This feeds into the childs need to
be independent and make his/her own decisions. Plan a schedule that works for everyone.
Parents can also use charts to help children understand and stick to their routines. Children can make their own charts
with some parental supervision. This also helps parents respect their childs need for independence. Depending on the
childs age, a written or picture chart can be used (Cooper-Kahn &, Dietzel, 2008).
2. Changing the Environment

Parents can be taught to reconfigure their homes in small ways to help children cooperate more easily. For example:
Children need to have their own space with adequate room for organizing their things. This
would include shelves, closets, and drawers, even if they are quite small. Young children
need coat hooks that are placed where they can actually reach them. Shoes should be put in
the same place every day. Their clothing needs to be organized in a way that makes it
accessible to them, so that they are not always searching for their pants or shirt.
Boundaries should be established and maintained, so that each person in the house has his
or her own personal space and privacy. If there are toddlers in the home, some things might
need to be put out of reach. Many parents put their toddlers clothing on a top shelf in their
closets so they will not constantly pull all the clothing out of their drawers. Art supplies that need to be used with
supervision can also be put on top of the refrigerator or bookcase.
While these may seem like very minor points, they can have a major impact on helping children learn listening skills,
respect, responsibility, and cooperation.
3. Lousy Local Conditions

Braun (2008) asserts that kids challenging behavior can be magnified or even created by environmental conditions. She
calls this lousy local conditions. Children have a hard time behaving and complying when they are dragged on one
more errand at the end of a long day. Parents may have a harder time with their children right before lunch, when they
havent eaten, or at the end of the day when their child has been sitting the whole day in the classroom.
Some children may have a heightened sense of smell, hearing, taste, sight and touch. Loud sounds, smells, bright lights
and crowds can overwhelm them. They can easily become over-stimulated, causing them to tantrum, become defiant
and non-compliant.
When a child is comfortable, well-fed and well-rested, she is better able to manage her schoolwork, chores and social
activities. Simply put, she is better able to listen.
Taking all these points into consideration when planning a childs day can go a long way in ensuring cooperation and
good listening.
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4. Preparing Children In Advance

Perhaps the most effective way to help children listen is to prepare them in advance. Tell them beforehand what is
expected of them.
Children are not born knowing the rules of society. They do not instinctively know how to comport themselves at a
restaurant, on the playground or in a store. It is normal for them to forget their morning and evening routines
sometimes. Letting them know the rules beforehand is a kindness.
When we wake them up in the morning we can say:
Good morning! Quick review of the morning... we need to wake up, use the bathroom, brush our teeth, eat
breakfast and get out the door.
At school, before getting out of the car, you can remind them what to expect:
When I open the door, I want to hold your hand right away. We walk in the street and then we can take a drink
at the water fountain and go to your classroom. I can sit with you for five minutes and then it is time for me to
go.
Older kids also need reminders:
We expect you to come with us to the Jones for the party. We would like you to say hello, stay for about 20
minutes and then you can meet up with your friends.
Strategies That Encourage Children to Listen

In this section we will discuss specific tools and techniques to encourage listening in children. We will present 16
strategies that can be employed to reduce incidences of non-compliance and promote a peaceful environment for
parents and children.
1. Empathize
As we mentioned earlier, most children have a tough time listening. It is helpful if we acknowledge how difficult it is for
them. It is easier for a child to comply when his feelings are validated. Examples:
You seem a bit frustrated that you need to stop playing with your Legos. Doing what you have to do can be tough
sometimes.
You really did not want to leave Grandmas. You wish you could have stayed longer.
2. Teach Children about Time

Ward (2010) notes that young children think literally and often have trouble comprehending time. Many children are
uncomfortable shifting from one activity to the next, and, compounded with their lack of understanding of time, this can
lead to non-compliant behaviors. Many arguments and power struggles revolve around these issues of managing time
and knowing when to shift activities. Parents can prevent these incidents by showing children what the passage of time
feels like. By being as exact as possible, children can develop a more accurate sense of time.
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Parents can help their children by demonstrating the actual length of each of the following phrases:
In a minute
In 5 minutes
In 10 minutes we will
It is helpful to point to the hands on the clock and show them where the hands will be when they need to leave. As they
grow a bit older and master time skills, they can be taught to transfer what they know from analog clocks to digital ones.
3. Helping Young Children Listen and Cooperate

Levine (1998) describes simple ways to help parents get their young children, including pre-toddlers and toddlers, to
listen. This age group is still in the earliest stages of exploring their world and they need help listening to adults and
learning rules. Parents can do the following:
Trade: Substitute another toy or object for

the one the child should not be playing
with. You can take away the crystal vase
and replace it with a toy train.
Take action: Tell the child no while

moving in the direction of the child. This
way they are getting a verbal message, as
well as a visual message, that you are
serious about their behavior. Children
learn how long you will call their name
before you actually do something. That
means they will continue to do the
forbidden act until you take action. A child
will continue to play with the crystal vase
until you actually come and take it away.
Distract: As an alternative to trading objects you can try to distract the child before she gets to the forbidden
item. For example, if you see the child heading for the crystal vase you can say, Sam, look here, look here, we
have a train!
Change the environment: Remember that children need child-friendly surroundings or activities to keep them
busy. If you are going to a doctors office, it is helpful to bring along toys or books for the wait. If you have
breakable objects around the house, you may want to remove them until the children are older (Weitzman,
1992).
Eliminate distractions: Make sure your child can actually hear you. Turn down the television, lower the music on
your CD player or ask them to turn off their video game before you make a request (Grimm, 1988).
4. Make Sure Your Child is Listening When You Give Directions

Gain your childs full attention when you give directions. Get down to their eye level or squat down and make eye
contact as you are speaking. If you still do not have the childs attention, keep trying to make contact before you deliver
your message. Giving your message when you know the child is not listening can actually make the situation worse by
communicating that it is OK not to listen to you.
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5. Pair Gestures with Directions

Give visual cues along with your directions. Children learn to follow directions by your gestures, i.e., pointing to objects
and their locations. This naturally aids a childs ability to listen. Examples:
Come here while motioning for your child to come to you.
Give it to me while you reach for the item.
Go to your room. Its time for bed. While pointing to their room or making a hand signal for sleep (Haebig et
al., 2012; Grimm, 1988).
6. Speak Clearly and Slowly

Children can process directions better when the words are enunciated and not rushed. It sometimes helps to exaggerate
your tone and inflection.
7. Use Repetition
Repeat directions. Children need to do some mental work when given directions. They first need to understand the
meaning of the words and the sentence structure. Then children need to remember the sequence of the direction.
Repetition in a gentle, or even a humorous tone, helps children remember the directions. It is also helpful if you pause to
let the directions sink in.
8. Use Chunking
Chunking is a technique that you can use when you need to give children two or more directions at one time (MainelaArnold et al., 2008; Grimm, 1988). Chunking means that you say related directions in one breath. It is easy to remember
and recall information if it is chunked according to its similarities:
Then
Chunk 1: Eat your peas and drink your milk.

Chunk 2: Clear your plate and put in the sink.
Make sure you give your child directions with the number of chunks your child can understand. (See strategy no. 14, the
hierarchy of learning to listen to directions.)
9. Select Words at Your Childs Level of Comprehension

Utilize words that children use regularly when giving directions, for example, Bye, Bye when you are leaving. Short and
simple sentences are also easier for children to understand, such as Shoes on or Into the car.
10. Singing
Singing directions is very helpful in gaining childrens cooperation because it is fun. Most parents are familiar with the
cleanup song. Parents can also sing to move children from one activity to another, i.e., We are brushing our teeth and
getting into the bath. This skill is wonderful for young preschoolers. It is a great way to encourage language, attention,
turn-taking and coping with transitions. Studies have shown that music improves mood, decreases muscle tension and
increases feelings of relaxation (Thompson, 2003, p.127; Cooke & Williams, 1987, p.39).
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11. Provide Clear Feedback

Reinforce good listening by letting your child know what they did right. You can say, I asked you to put your shoes on
and your shoes are on!
If they do not follow your directions, avoid getting angry. Repeat the directions with gestures, short utterances,
chunking or any of the other suggestions listed here.
12. Understand Your Childs Language Development

Give directions according to your childs current language developmental stage. The hierarchy for learning to listen to
directions is the following (adapted from Weitzman, 1992; Grimm, 1988). Your child understands:
Simple directions with gestures (Bye-bye time while waiving and pointing to the door).
Simple directions without gestures (Sit down, Eat up, Bring me your shoes).
Two simple related directions about the same object (Get your coat and put it on).
Two-part directions about unrelated objects (Go to the pantry and get me the cereal, Go to the closet and get
your shoes).
Two-part directions involving two actions (Give me the toy and put your glass on the table).
Three-part unrelated directions involving three actions (Put your toys away, wash your hands and go outside).
The keys to helping children listen are having predictable routines, setting up the home so that it is conducive to
cooperation, and learning the conditions under which children listen best.
13. Use Neutral Language

We all want our children or those with whom we work to listen to us. Unfortunately, even the most thoughtful adults
sometime speak to children in a way that is off-putting and counterproductive. Without realizing it, adults can be
chipping away at the childs self-esteem by using language that is discouraging.
We often unintentionally use a blaming or accusing tone with children. This does not help us gain their cooperation, and
worse it discourages them from listening (Ginott, 1971; Faber & Mazlish, 1999). It sets a negative tone, and usually
brings on defensive behavior that can lead to power struggles.
A better way is to keep language neutral. When we speak to children in a more respectful manner, we encourage
cooperation, teamwork and good listening. We will get better responses by using language that is non-confrontational
and focused on the end result.
Examples of Neutral Language Instead of Blaming or Accusing Language:
Blaming/Accusing Language
Neutral Language
Why do you always throw your coat on the floor?
Coats belong in the closet.
Why are you always yelling about everything?
I can hear you better when you use a calm voice.
Just pick a video already!
Time is short. A video needs to be decided on now.
Neutral language helps children think constructively instead of putting them on guard. They are likely to focus on the
content of what you are saying instead of focusing on Adults are always nagging and bothering me.
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Communication between adults and children does not need to be fraught with tension. Using neutral and nonconfrontational language aids them in learning to listen and helps parents feel in control and kids feeling encouraged.
14. Be an Asking Parent

Because children do not like direct commands it is helpful to find alternative ways of getting them to respond positively.
One way is to be an asking parent instead of a telling parent. That is, instead of telling children what to do all the
time, we can ask questions that will engage their cooperation and involve them in resolving everyday problems.
A telling parent uses commands to communicate with their children:
Wash your face!

Take out the garbage!
Stop bothering me!
Using commands and telling children what to do diminishes their ability to think independently. These practices can also
create power struggles.
As we have already discussed, children have a hard time
listening because they need to feel independent and in
control. We can help kids listen by leading them to think for
themselves. This gives them the feeling of autonomy that
they crave.
It is also a crucial life skill because as parents, teachers, and
therapists, we arent always going to be there for our
children. They need opportunities to develop their own
judgment and use their own instincts. They need to make
mistakes and learn from them. Being an asking parent
helps children gain these skills.
This is a skill that can be used with children of all ages. It aids their understanding of questions and gets them thinking
about problem-solving and solutions. It is important to note that children might need to be five or six years old before
they are able to answer you.
In our everyday interactions with children we can practice having them think for themselves. Instead of telling them
what to do, we can use thinking questions that involve them and let them know their opinion counts. It is a positive
way to engage childrens cooperation, while at the same time fostering independence. It also helps children accept
adults as authority figures and promotes obedient behavior.
Examples of Asking vs. Telling Communication
TELLING:
ASKING:
Wash your face!
What can you do to make sure your face is clean?
Take out the garbage!
What was the job that you agreed to do when we last spoke?
Stop bothering me!
What can you do to keep busy until I finish my phone call?
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Diann Grimm (1988) compiled a list of everyday situations in which you can implement this strategy to help children
develop thinking and judgment skills and reduce power struggles caused by demanding that children follow directions.
ACTIVITY
QUESTIONS TO ENGAGE COOPERATION
Getting dressed in the morning
What is the best way for you to get dressed?
Mealtime
What is the best way to make healthy choices?
Riding in the car
How can we make this a pleasant ride?
Going shopping
How can you let me know when you get tired and you are ready to go home?
Playtime
What is the best way for you to share this new toy?
Watching TV
How can we be sure that we are watching appropriate shows?
Bath time
What can we do to keep the splashing at a minimum?
Reading a story
Which book should we read first?
Bedtime
How can we be sure that bedtime will go smoothly?
Constantly listening to commands can make a child feel nagged and disrespected. He might think, My mom is so mean!
She is always telling me what to do! Instead, when asked for his input, he starts to look at himself as a person who can
make good decisions about taking care of his belongings. He feels capable and responsible, and begins the process of
thinking, Hey, if my Mom/Dad is asking me what I can do to be a part of the solution, they believe that I can handle my
own problems.
An asking parent is more likely to be tuned in than tuned out! And as an added bonus, it stimulates language
development. This communication technique helps us help our kids to listen while respecting their natural instinct for
independence. This tool also assists parents in maintaining their authority in a positive manner.
15. Give Choices

An additional strategy to help children listen and develop a sense of independence is to give them choices within a
safe framework, of course.
Giving children choices teaches them how to make decisions. It also builds their self-esteem as they learn to develop
problem-solving skills. This makes them feel more powerful and in control of their lives. They become better listeners
and more cooperative. Choices also allow parents to maintain their authority figure positions. Children need to comply
with their parents requests, but they get to choose the method. It is a win/win situation.
There is one catch. We need to be positive. Many parents have a hard time using this parenting technique appropriately.
Parents will often give their children choices that are not really choices at all. They might say, for example:
You can wear shoes outside or not go out!
You can get dressed or you can stay in your room the whole day!
You can play with your friend nicely or I will send her home.
Choices like these are not really choices at all. They are just another attempt to force children into obeying. They do not
reinforce or support a childs need for independence.
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In order to help children feel in charge and build self-respect, parents need to give children two positive choices, either
of which is alright with the parent. For example:
Do you want to go outside with your sneakers or your sandals?
Do you want to wear your blue pants or green pants?
Do you want to share your dolls or your blocks with your friend?
Positive choices allow children to exercise their decision-making skills. Parents find it useful because it focuses children
on the task at hand. It helps children practice being independent while still feeling secure because parents have
structured the choices.
What about older children and teens? Parents can give the following choices:
I need help setting the table. Can you do it now or in ten minutes?
We need to leave in 15 minutes. Do you want to have breakfast now or on the go?
When are you planning on doing your homework, before or after dinner?
Choices are a very simple way to teach both younger and older children to listen while acknowledging their instinct for
independence. It is also a simple and gentle way for parents to maintain their authority in their home.
16. Teach Children to Think about Solutions

One of the best ways to help children learn to listen is to ask them to assist you in thinking of solutions to everyday
domestic problems. It is also helpful to ask their opinions, empower them to help themselves and praise solutionoriented thinking (Lazzari & Peters, 1989; Novak, 2002). When we do this, we again show respect for childrens need for
independence. We also maintain our authority in our home by being the benevolent ruler, gently showing that we are in
charge.
When there is a problem at home we can say, Lets focus on solutions. We can then ask some questions to promote
problem-solving skills:
What can we do as a family to make sure that everyone gets to the dinner table on time?
I bought a box of cookies. What can we do to make sure that they are shared evenly in the house?
There has been some fighting about the Wii. How can we work this out?
Sam feels like his job is too hard. Can we help him think of a solution?
We can also ask for childrens opinions:
We have 3 stores to go to, which one should we go to first?
Grandma and Grandpa are coming to visit. Do you think they will want one or two pillows?
We need to buy a gift for Aunt Sara. Should we get her a sweater or a book? What do you think?
Finally, as parents we want to reinforce thinking that is solution-oriented. Any attempts by children to come up with a
solution should be noted and acknowledged (Easley & Glasser, 2008; Johnston & Reichle, 1993).
That is an interesting idea. We should try it.
That is thinking out of the box.
I am glad we are a family that focuses on solutions.
Helping children learn to listen takes some time and a little forethought. Teaching your child to think about solutions will
give you a partner who will be more likely to listen as you solve lifes little and big problems together.
Page 14 of 17
Accepting Rules and Limits

In this section we will discuss how to help children accept rules and limits when they are being argumentative.
Children and Rules

Realistically, when we make rules for children or ask them to do something, we should not expect that they can or even
want to listen to us. Children are frustrated by their parents constant requests and demands. It is only natural for them
to seek ways not to comply. Arguing is one of those ways.
Arguing is a tactic that can drive parents crazy. When children argue, they are usually rude and disrespectful. This type of
behavior leads us straight into some sort of power struggle and conflict. Parents forget about setting limits and
maintaining their authority and, instead, focus on trying to improve poor behavior.
When we expend a lot of energy fighting and arguing with our children, there
usually isnt a lot left over to help them learn to listen and comply. We may not
realize it, but when children argue, they do it to distract us from the real issues
at hand. They do it in order to undermine our authority.
To explain this concept fully, here is an example of a dialogue in which a teen
uses arguing to avoid following rules:
Mom:
Daughter:
Mom:
Daughter:
Mom:
Daughter:
Mom:
Honey, you need to take out the garbage before you go to the mall with your friends.
Cant I do it when I get home?
No, you need to do it now!
Well, that is so dumb! Why cant I just do it later? Whats the big deal?
You just dont understand how shopping is so important for me!
How can you say that? Of course I know how important it is to you.
I can say whatever I want! I hate your rules. You are so mean!
You are so fresh!
The battle only worsens from here. Tensions escalate with no end in sight.
A better way of handling this kind of scenario is to ignore the arguing and concentrate on the mission of getting children
to listen and observe the rules. We need to stay calm when children argue. The following phrases are useful in helping
adults maintain composure and authority: Nevertheless., That is not the issue, My decision is final, or I am not
going to change my mind about this.
Mom:
Daughter:
Mom:
Daughter:
Mom:
Daughter:
Mom:
Daughter:
Mom:
Daughter:
Mom:
Honey, You need to take out the garbage before you go to the mall with your friends.
Cant I do it when I get home?
No you need to do it now!
Well, that is so dumb! Why cant I just do it later? Whats the big deal?
You just dont understand how shopping is so important for me!
Nevertheless, this is the rule.
Well, that is the dumbest rule I ever heard. Its just because you dont know the first thing
about clothing and you never wear anything nice!
My decision about the garbage and the mall is final.
I hate your rules. You are so mean!
That is not the issue.
Fine, I am going to let my own daughter do whatever she wants!
I am not going to change my mind about this.
Page 15 of 17
There are other phrases that can help parents maintain their authority calmly and firmly when children argue about the
rules. Betsy Brown Braun, in her book Just Tell Me What to Say (2008) gives the following suggestions:
Do I look like the kind of mom who is going to change her mind?
I have made my decision, and I am not going to change my mind.
Regardless of the names that you call me, you still cannot go until you (take out the garbage)
Regardless of how you feel about me, you still need to (take out the garbage before you go)
I know you feel like it is unfair, however you still need to (come with me to the supermarket, take out the
garbage)
We dont change the rule after it has been broken.
I am done talking about this.
These phrases help us avoid getting pulled into an argument with our kids. It helps us maintain our authority and dignity.
It helps us keep the peace even in the most trying interactions. In the long run, it also teaches our children respectful
communication and that bad manners and rudeness will not get us to back down and rethink our rules.
Conclusion
Clinicians play a key role in educating parents and caregivers on how to help children learn to listen and in managing
and reducing their childrens non-compliant behavior. Once parents understand the underlying factors of their
childrens resistant behavior, they can effectively implement the strategies outlined to set up their home and routines
in a manner that promotes successful listening. By modifying the specific tools and techniques presented to fit their
individual home environments, parents can take a proactive role in helping their children to listen. When noncompliance and misbehavior does occur, as it inevitably will from time to time (even when all the strategies discussed
here are employed), parents can use the devices illustrated to help their children accept rules and limits.
By implementing the practical, effective strategies presented here, parents and other adults can encourage children to
listen so that their relationships do not have to be characterized by power struggles and frustration. They can then move
on to other important social and educational developmental tasks.
Page 16 of 17
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Title of Course: Helping Children Learn to Listen

Describe four reasons why children fail to listen to adults

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