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Henry W.

Vinson
Helping Children Cope with Loss of a Loved One
It was a cold crisp morning. My mother waited at the door for my brothers return from
working his shift at the coal mine. He never returned. Instead, the West Virginia State Police
arrived. The news was bad. My brother was killed in the coal mine. My mother screamed. As a
young child, I cried. The state police walked next door to give my grandmother the tragic news.
My sister and I held each other in disbelief that my brother had died.
Grief affects the entire family. Children grieve too. They might not scream like my mother or
sob like my grandmother, but they grieve. They feel the loss of a loved one in the family. My
parents and grandparents did not understand the loss, nor could they explain it to me. In their
loss, I was forgotten and ignored. Children need the understanding of adults to cope with their
grief.
A common definition of grief is suffering, hurt, or distress from a loss. In this case it was
from the loss of a man. Each member of the family grieved the loss. Children will often grieve
alone. Adults do not always recognize how children grieve. It can be perplexing for families.
Helping a Child Work through Grief
I was sad. I missed my brother. My parents grieved to the point of not functioning. How will I
grieve as a child?
Children must process the loss of a loved one. Many follow the stages discussed by Elisabeth
Kubler-Ross in her book, On Death and Dying (1969). At first there is denial, or disbelief that
the death has occurred. The child expected the loved one to return. Then they experience anger.
They become angry at the loved one for leaving them. Next they bargain with God. If I were
better behaved, would my brother return? What can I do to make the loved one return and not be
gone? The next stage involves depression. The child feels sad over the loss of the loved one. The
final stage is acceptance. Parents and children will go through these stages, but probably not at
the same time. Parents and caretakers need to understand that children will process the loss in
their own time.
Do What You Can to Comfort the Child
Grieving children need more time from parents and caretakers. Spend time in prayer. Help the
children understand that they did not cause the death. According to Claudia Jewett
in Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss (1982), children will dread leaving the
security of their parents. They fear that something bad might happen to them. Reassure them so
that they feel safe. Children will feel losses at the time of a holiday or birthday. Spend time with
them to help them through these days.
Share Information about Death
Children are curious about death. Explain how it happened. Use words children can
understand. Some want to know about caskets and the embalming process. Some want to know
why it happened. Try not to place blame. Take the time to answer questions. Will he be hungry

in heaven? Will he be cold in the casket? Does he get thirsty in heaven? Share books and videos
that deal with death such as Little Women, Old Yeller, and My Girl. Share your spirituality. Read
Bible stories together that show God as a benevolent God. Give of your time. As Leone
Anderson presents in Its OK to Cry, spend time with your children when they cry.
Support Services
Join a grief support group for children. Sometimes a funeral home or hospital will host
support groups. Though the stages of grief are normal, some children need counseling to help
them deal with the loss of a loved one. Call the community mental health center for phone
numbers and referrals.
Memorials and Funeral Services
Let children participate in the funeral service. Let them chose burial clothing or help with
music selections. Perhaps they can select a special item to be included in the casket. Children
need to be part of the process. As the family celebrates each holiday, spend time with the
children on ways to remember the loved one. Take flowers to the grave, write a birthday
greeting, or play a favorite piece of music. Children will learn to cherish the memory of the
loved one, yet understand that life moves on. We must move with it.
References
Jewett, Claudia. (1982). Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss. Harvard,
Massachusetts: The Harvard Common Press.
Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth. (1969). On Death and Dying. New York: Macmillan
Anderson, Leone C. (1979). Its OK to Cry. Elgin, Ill.: The Childs World.
Notes about the Author
Henry W. Vinson holds a master of Science in Integrated Marketing Communications from
West Virginia University and Bachelor of Mortuary Science from Cincinnati College of
Mortuary Science. He practiced as a funeral director and embalmer for many years, and currently
is a consultant to the funeral industry. He experienced the loss of many relatives as a child and
has a special interest in helping children cope with loss of a loved one.

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