Helping children cope with divorce: Supporting your child through a

divorce
As a parent, its normal to feel uncertain about how to give your children the right support
through your divorce or separation. It may be uncharted territory, but you can successfully
navigate this unsettling timeand help your kids emerge from it feeling loved, confident, and
strong.
There are many ways you can help your kids adjust to separation or divorce. Your patience,
reassurance, and listening ear can minimize tension as children learn to cope with new
circumstances. By providing routines kids can rely on, you remind children they can count on
you for stability, structure, and care. And if you can maintain a working relationship with your
ex, you can help kids avoid the stress that comes with watching parents in conflict. Such a
transitional time cant be without some measure of hardship, but you can powerfully reduce
your childrens pain by making their well-being your top priority.
What I need from my mom and dad: A childs list of wants
I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please write letters, make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions.

When you dont stay involved, I feel like Im not important and that you dont really love me.
Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you
fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty.
I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please support me and the time that I
spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the
other.
Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I dont have to send messages back and forth.
When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or dont say anything at all. When you say mean,
unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side.
Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach
me what is important, and to help me when I have problems.

Source: University of Missouri

Helping children cope with divorce: What to tell your kids

When it comes to telling your kids about your divorce, many parents freeze up. Make the
conversation a little easier on both yourself and your children by preparing significantly
before you sit down to talk. If you can anticipate tough questions, deal with your own
anxieties ahead of time, and plan carefully what youll be telling them, you will be better
equipped to help your children handle the news.
What to say and how to say it

Difficult as it may be to do, try to strike an empathetic tone and address the most important
points right up front. Give your children the benefit of an honestbut kid-friendly
explanation.

Your kids are entitled to know why you are getting a divorce, but longwinded reasons may only confuse them. Pick something simple and honest, like We
cant get along anymore. You may need to remind your children that while sometimes
parents and kids don't always get along, parents and kids don't stop loving each other
or get divorced from each other.
Say I love you. However simple it may sound, letting your children know that your love
for them hasnt changed is a powerful message. Tell them youll still be caring for
them in every way, from fixing their breakfast to helping with homework.
Tell the truth.

Address changes. Preempt

your kids questions about changes in their lives by

acknowledging that some things will be different now, and other things wont. Let
them know that together you can deal with each detail as you go.

Avoid blaming

Its vital to be honest with your kids, but without being critical of your spouse. This can be
especially difficult when there have been hurtful events, such as infidelity, but with a little
diplomacy, you can avoid playing the blame game.

As much as you can, try to agree in advance on an explanation for

your separation or divorceand stick to it.
Plan your conversations. Make plans to talk with your children before any changes in the
living arrangements occur. And plan to talk when your spouse is present, if possible.
Show restraint. Be respectful of your spouse when giving the reasons for the separation.
Present a united front.

How much information to give

Especially at the beginning of your separation or divorce, youll need to pick and choose how much to tell your children.
Think carefully about how certain information will affect them.

Be age-aware. In general, younger children need less detail and will do better with a simple explanation, while
older kids may need more information.
Share logistical information. Do tell kids about changes in their living arrangements, school, or activities, but
dont overwhelm them with the details.
Keep it real. No matter how much or how little you decide to tell your kids, remember that the information should
be truthful above all else.

Helping children cope with divorce: Listen and reassure

Support your children by helping them express emotions, and commit to truly listening to
these feelings without getting defensive. Your next job is reassuranceassuaging fears,
straightening misunderstandings, and showing your unconditional love. The bottom line: kids
need to know that your divorce isnt their fault.
Help kids express feelings

For kids, divorce can feel like loss: the loss of a parent, the loss of the life they know. You can
help your children grieve and adjust to new circumstances by supporting their feelings.

Listen. Encourage

your child to share their feelings and really listen to them. They may
be feeling sadness, loss or frustration about things you may not have expected.
Help them find words for their feelings. Its normal for children to have difficulty expressing
their feelings. You can help them by noticing their moods and encouraging them to
talk.
Let them be honest. Children might be reluctant to share their true feelings for fear of
hurting you. Let them know that whatever they say is okay. If they arent able to share
their honest feelings, they will have a harder time working through them.
Acknowledge their feelings. You may not be able to fix their problems or change their
sadness to happiness, but it is important for you to acknowledge their feelings rather
than dismissing them. You can also inspire trust by showing that you understand.

Clearing up misunderstandings

Many kids believe that they had something to do with the divorce, recalling times they argued
with their parents, received poor grades, or got in trouble. You can help your kids let go of this
misconception.

Set the record straight. Repeat

why you decided to get a divorce. Sometimes hearing the

real reason for your decision can help.
Be patient. Kids may seem to get it one day and be unsure the next. Treat your childs
confusion or misunderstandings with patience.
Reassure. As often as you need to, remind your children that both parents will continue
to love them and that they are not responsible for the divorce.

Give reassurance and love

Children have a remarkable ability to heal when given the support and love they need. Your
words, actions, and ability to remain consistent are all important tools to reassure your
children of your unchanging love.

Both parents will be there. Let

your kids know that even though the physical circumstances

of the family unit will change, they can continue to have healthy, loving relationships
with both of their parents.
Itll be okay. Tell kids that things wont always be easy, but that they will work out.
Knowing itll be all right can provide incentive for your kids to give a new situation a
chance.
Closeness. Physical closenessin the form of hugs, pats on the shoulder, or simple
proximityhas a powerful way of reassuring your child of your love.
Be honest. When kids raise concerns or anxieties, respond truthfully. If you dont know
the answer, say gently that you arent sure right now, but youll find out and it will be
okay.

Helping children cope with divorce: Provide stability and structure

While its good for kids to learn to be flexible, adjusting to many new things at once can be
very difficult. Help your kids adjust to change by providing as much stability and structure as
possible in their daily lives.
Remember that establishing structure and continuity doesnt mean that you need rigid
schedules or that mom and dads routines need to be exactly the same. But creating some
regular routines at each household and consistently communicating to your children what to
expect will provide your kids with a sense of calm and stability.
The comfort of routines

The benefit of schedules and organization for younger children is widely recognized, but
many people dont realize that older children appreciate routine, as well. Kids feel safer and
more secure when they know what to expect next. Knowing that, even when they switch
homes, dinnertime is followed by a bath and then homework, for example, can set a childs
mind at ease.
Maintaining routine also means continuing to observe rules, rewards, and discipline with your
children. Resist the temptation to spoil kids during a divorce by not enforcing limits or
allowing them to break rules.

Helping children cope with divorce: Take care of yourself

The first safety instruction for an airplane emergency is to put the oxygen mask on yourself
before you put it on your child. The take-home message: take care of yourself so that you can
be there for your kids.
Your own recovery

If you are able to be calm and emotionally present, your kids will feel more at ease. The
following are steps you can take toward improving your own well-being and outlook:

Exercise often and eat a healthy diet. Exercise

relieves the pent-up stress and frustration that

are commonplace with divorce. And although cooking for one can be difficult, eating
healthfully will make you feel better, inside and outso skip the fast food.
See friends often. It may be tempting to hole up and not see friends and family who will
inevitably ask about the divorcebut the reality is that you need the distraction. Ask
friends to avoid the topic; theyll understand.
Keep a journal. Writing down your feelings, thoughts, and moods can help you release
tension, sadness, and anger. As time passes, you can look back on just how far youve
come.

Youll need support

At the very least, divorce is complicated and stressfuland can be devastating without
support.

Talk to friends or a support group about your bitterness, anger,

frustrationwhatever the feeling may beso you dont take it out on your kids.
Never vent negative feelings to your child. Whatever you do, do not use your child to talk it out
like you would with a friend.
Keep laughing. Try to inject humor and play into your life and the lives of your children
as much as you can; it can relieve stress and give you all a break from sadness and
anger.
See a therapist. If you are feeling intense anger, fear, grief, shame, or guilt, find a
professional to help you work through those feelings.
Lean on friends.

Helping children cope with divorce: Work with your ex

Struggling to make joint custody work?
See Co-Parenting Tips for Divorced Parents

Conflict between parentsseparated or notcan be very damaging for kids. Its crucial to
avoid putting your children in the middle of your fights, or making them feel like they have to
choose between you.
Rules of thumb

Remember that your goal is to avoid lasting stress and pain for your children. The following
tips can save them a lot of heartache.

Take it somewhere else. Never

argue in front of your children, whether its in person or over

the phone. Ask your ex to talk another time, or drop the conversation altogether.
Use tact. Refrain from talking with your children about details of their other parents
behavior. Its the oldest rule in the book: if you dont have anything nice to say, dont
say anything at all.

Be nice. Be

polite in your interactions with your ex-spouse. This not only sets a good
example for your kids but can also cause your ex to be gracious in response.
Look on the bright side. Choose to focus on the strengths of all family members. Encourage
children to do the same.
Work on it. Make it a priority to develop an amicable relationship with your ex-spouse as
soon as possible. Watching you be friendly can reassure children and teach problemsolving skills as well.

The big picture

If you find yourself, time after time, locked in battle with your ex over the details of
parenting, try to step back and remember the bigger purpose at hand.

Whats best for your kids in the long run? Having a good
relationship with both of their parents throughout their lives.
The long view. If you can keep long-term goalsyour childrens physical and mental
health, your independencein mind, you may be able to avoid disagreements about
daily details. Think ahead in order to stay calm.
Everyones well-being. The happiness of your children, yourself, and, yes, even your ex,
should be the broad brushstrokes in the big picture of your new lives after divorce.
Relationship with both parents.

Helping children cope with divorce: Know when to seek help

Some children go through divorce with relatively few problems, while others have a very
difficult time. Its normal for kids to feel a range of difficult emotions, but time, love, and
reassurance should help them to heal. If your kids remain overwhelmed, though, you may
need to seek professional help.
Normal reactions to separation and divorce
Although strong feelings can be tough on kids, the following reactions can be considered normal for children.

Anger. Your kids may express their anger, rage, and resentment with you and your spouse for destroying their sense
of normalcy.
Anxiety. Its natural for children to feel anxious when faced with big changes in their lives.
Mild depression. Sadness about the familys new situation is normal, and sadness coupled with a sense of
hopelessness and helplessness is likely to become a mild form of depression.

It will take some time for your kids to work through their issues about the separation or
divorce, but you should see gradual improvement over time .
Red flags for more serious problems

If things get worse rather than better after several months , it may be a sign that your child is
stuck in depression, anxiety, or anger and could use some additional support. Watch for these
warning signs of divorce-related depression or anxiety:
Sleep problems

Self-injury, cutting, or eating disorders

Poor concentration

Frequent angry or violent outbursts

Trouble at school

Withdrawal from loved ones

Drug or alcohol abuse

Refusal of loved activities

Discuss these or other divorce-related warning-signs with your childs doctor, teachers, or
consult a child therapist for guidance on coping with specific problems.

More help for coping with separation or divorce

Co-Parenting Tips for Divorced Parents:

Making Joint Custody Work after a Separation or

Divorce

Step-Parenting and Blended Families:

How To Bond with Stepchildren and Deal with

Stepfamily Issues

Coping with a Breakup or Divorce:

Moving on After a Relationship Ends

Resolving childhood problems

Symptoms, Treatment, and Hope for Children

with Insecure Attachment
Choosing the Best Nanny: Tips for Evaluating the Best Nanny and Childcare for You and
Your Family
Separation Anxiety in Children: Easing Separation Anxiety Disorder
Help for Parents of Troubled Teens: Dealing with Anger, Violence, Delinquency, and Other
Teen Behavior Problems
Attachment and Reactive Attachment Disorders:

Resources and references

General information on children and divorce

Includes information on coping with divorce. See also Tips for

Divorcing Parents for other suggestions about communicating with your child after a split.
(Nemours Foundation)
Helping Children Understand Divorce Provides tips for talking with children about divorce and helps
parents understand children's thoughts and feelings about divorce. (University of Missouri)
Helping Children Adjust to Divorce: A Guide for Teachers Provides helpful tips for coping with divorce
and guiding children through the transition time after a divorce. (University of Missouri)
Helping Your Child Through a Divorce

For children and adolescents affected by separation or divorce

Children of Divorce

Provides links for helping kids deal with different aspects of divorce. (Kids

Turn Central)
Answers childrens most common concerns and questions about divorce
and offers suggestions for handling feelings about divorce. (Nemours Foundation)
Dealing with Divorce An article for teens that discusses ways to cope with their feelings about
their parents divorce. (Nemours Foundation)
A Kids Guide to Divorce

Divorce as trauma

Discusses trauma in general, rather than the trauma of

divorce specifically, but helpful nonetheless. (Dr. Bruce Perry, Scholastic.com)
Overcoming Divorce Trauma Discusses the damage that can occur in a divorce and suggests ways
to prevent divorce trauma. (Kristina Diener, Psy.D.)
Principles of Working with Traumatized Children

Authors: Gina Kemp, M.A., Melinda Smith, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D. Last updated:
December 2014.