WHAT TO DO AND WHAT NOT TO DO ABOUT THE FOLLOWING EMOTIONS:

Anger, Fear, Sadness and Joy (from the Emotional Intelligence workshop held by Anne de Graaf
October 24th-26th 2008, Bucharest, Romania
ANGER DO:
It is important to get into contact with yourself before you express anger;
Express your anger when it is produced, not when it becomes too much. Some people have the
tendency to delay expressing anger, which can lead to collecting stamps to be redeemed for an
outlash;
It is important to put the emotion into words.
The expression of anger is a way of reestablishing boundaries/limits and, when verbalising it in an
assertive manner, it is useful to organize the message according to this structure: (a) give a factbased description of the behaviour which caused/triggered anger, (b) express the affected person's
perception of the described behavior and (c) offer a solution which can fulfill, in an OK- OK
manner, the needs of the person expressing anger.
DON'T:
Use violence when you express your anger;
Talk about persons, but about behaviours.
Be gentle with the person and strict with the behaviour.
FEAR (about known things) / TEAMA (about unknown things)
DO:
Source for a protective environment;
The existence of a secure base is important. The basic need during fear is protection.
Reason, search for information, escape contamination.
DO NOT:
Discount/ignore this emotion;
Sabotage yourself by searching for a group which will confirm your fear;
Minimalize/maximize fear (get your inner Adult to verify reality by asking questions);
Transform fear into another emotion.
Emotions are energy. They are like communicating vessels. Do not cover one emotion with another
just because you are not used to it.

SADNESS
DO:
Set boundaries/limits;
Respect and experience your emotion;
Search/source for secure bases;
For example, it is useful to call someone who understands your sadness or to look for an
environment which creates security. Sadness can happen to you, it is not a choice. However, being
alone with sadness is a choice;
Express the emotion in a creative manner.
For example: painting, theatre, drawing, writing, metaphors.
Sometimes, people find it hard to speak openly about their emotions.
DON'T:
Turn sadness into an addiction;
Confuse your needs. All adapted patterns arise fron the conviction that the child ego state doesn't
need to express its emotions.
Sabotage yourself;
Sometimes, the moment/environment isn't right for you to express an emotion when it appears.
Emotions are deeds. It is preferable and sometimes necessary to postpone expressing an emotion as
such, rather than to turn it into a racket or to ignore it.
JOY
DO:
Respect the other's boundaries;
The other is not always available to receive the manifestation of your joy.
Express your joy in a manner appropriate tot he context and your role.
DO NOT:
Enjoy another's mishappening;
Hurt yourself while you feel joy.
General rules:
Before saying you, say I 3 times, because many troubles start with the wrong verbalisation
beginning with the second person
Because emotions have to do with needs, this is not about emotions, but about conflicts between
needs.