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FIRST DATE

the musical

Book by Austin Winsberg


Music & Lyrics by Alan Zachary & Michael Weiner

September 28, 2012

CAST BREAKDOWN
(4 M / 3 W)
(in order of appearance)

MAN #1 / JEWISH CHORUS / GABE / YOUTUBE / EDGY ROCKER GUY / GILBERTO


WOMAN #1 / GRANDMA IDA / LAUREN / FACEBOOK / AARON'S MOTHER
MAN #2 / REGGIE / AARON'S FUTURE SON / EBAY / EDGY BRITISH GUY
WOMAN #2 / JEWISH CHORUS / ALLISON / GOOGLE LADY / REGGIE'S MOM
MAN #3 / WAITER / CASEY'S CHRISTIAN FATHER /BLAZE /TWITTER /
FRIENDLY THERAPIST
AARON
CASEY

As the audience files into the theatre,


they will see a WHITE SCRIM covering
the stage. In the middle of the scrim
is a LARGE HEART with the words FIRST
DATE written inside in cheesy,
romantic letters.
MUSIC CUE: I HATE FIRST DATES
Once the music starts, two small,
ANIMATED LOVE BIRDS start to fly across
the scrim. Spinning and dancing all
around each other. Two joyous creatures
totally in love...
EVERYONE (OFFSTAGE)
WHEN YOU FIND YOUR HEART'S TRUE LOVE
IT'S LIKE A GIFT FROM FATE
BUT YOU'LL NEVER FIND SUCH LOVE
WITHOUT THE PAINFUL, HELL ON EARTH
THAT'S KNOWN AS THE "FIRST DATE"...
Very quickly - we hear a GUNSHOT. One
bird goes down. The first bird looks
around for their lover. After a quick
beat - another GUNSHOT. Then - the
second bird falls as well. The scrim
separates in the middle - splitting
apart the heart.
Reveal - a lush New York skyline. This
is the city in all its glory. FIVE HIP
YOUNG NEW YORKERS all mill about the
stage - each dressed for a night out on
the town. None of them are excited
about it.
MAN #1
WILL SHE THINK I'M TOO SHORT?
WOMAN #1
WILL HE NOTICE MY THIGHS?
MAN #2
PERFECT TIME FOR A GIANT ZIT - SHIT!
MAN #3
SHOULD I OPEN HER DOOR?
WOMAN #2
I CAN'T BREATHE IN THESE SPANX!

2.
MAN #1
WILL SHE SEE THAT I CAN'T COMMIT?
MAN #3
KEEP IT COOL, I.B.S.!
WOMAN #1
TOO MUCH BOOB IN THIS DRESS?
WOMAN #2
WILL HE GUESS THAT I LIE 'BOUT MY AGE?
MAN #2
AND WHEN DO I ADMIT THAT I'VE NEVER HAD SEX?
THAT MOMENT IS SO HARD TO GAUGE...
EVERYONE
I HATE FIRST DATES
ALL THE ANGST AND DESPAIR
I HATE FIRST DATES
WORKING OUT WHAT TO WEAR.
WOMAN #1 & #2
EACH HAIR I TWEEZE
OFFERS NO GUARANTEES
EVERYONE
THAT TRUE LOVE'S NOT A LIE
YEAH, THAT'S THE REASON WHY...
I HATE FIRST DATES.
I HATE FIRST DATES.
WOMAN #1
HOPE HE'S NOT INTO SPORTS
MAN #2
WILL SHE CARE I DID PORN?
WOMAN #2
DO I BOTHER TO SHAVE MY LEGS?
MAN #3
SHOULD'VE GONE TO THE GYM
WOMAN #1
SHOULD'VE GOT A FAKE TAN
WOMAN #2
JUST NEED DECENT SPERM FOR MY EGGS.
MEN
BRING SOME PEPTO IN CASE

3.
WOMEN
BRING THAT SPRAY CAN OF MACE
EVERYONE
JUST EMBRACE THAT YOU HAVE TO STAY ZEN
WOMAN #1
BUT LAST WEEK I WENT OUT
WITH SOME FREAK... AND HIS MOM...
AND HIS IMAGINARY FRIEND GUS I'M NOT SURE I CAN DO THIS AGAIN...
EVERYONE
I HATE FIRST DATES
WAIT, DID I CHECK MY BREATH? - HAH HAH
They all put a hand to their mouths and
check their breaths.
EVERYONE
I HATE FIRST DATES
HIDING I'M BORED TO DEATH
I FORCE A SMILE
AS I SIT THERE ON TRIAL
MAN #2
AND KISS MY NIGHT GOODBYE
SO MANY REASONS WHY
I HATE FIRST DATES.
I HATE FIRST DATES!

EVERYONE

CRAZY THINGS I'VE HEARD


EVERY STUPID WORD
WOMAN #2
LOSERS WITH NO CLASS
UNEXPECTED GAS

MAN #3

WOMEN
DISAPPOINTMENTS, REJECTIONS
MEN
ACCIDENTAL ERECTIONS
MAN #1 & WOMAN #1
ALL THE PRESSURE, THE TRAUMA
THE PERPETUAL DRAMA

MAN #2 & WOMAN #2

4.
EVERYONE
THE BITCHES, THE MORONS, THE PERVERTS, THE DICKS
THE ONES WHO DON'T LOOK LIKE THEIR PROFILE PICS
I'M SAYING GOODBYE
BEFORE I SAY HELLO

MAN #3
MAN #3 & WOMAN #2

WOMAN #1
BUT WHEN IM ASKED OUT, I STILL GO
BECAUSE I KNOW...

EVERYONE
The stage becomes a rather cool,
friendly, West Village gastropub-type
bar/restaurant. Theres a restaurant
entrance upstage right, a small coat
check, and then a few stairs which take
you down into the restaurant itself.
Downstage there is a bar counter with
stools. And there are several small
tables set up around the space.
Our various MEN and WOMEN start to take
their places within the restaurant as
they sing. Man #1 and Woman #1 (and Man
#2 and Woman #2) start to become two
couples meeting up at the restaurant.

EVERYONE
THAT ONE FIRST DATE
MAY BE ALL THAT I NEED
A GREAT FIRST DATE
WHO KNOWS WHERE THAT COULD LEAD?
AN EPIC FAIL
OR THE WHOLE FAIRY TALE
WONT KNOW UNLESS I TRY
SO I SUFFER AND I SIGH
HOPING FATE WILL SOON SUPPLY
SOMEONE WHO'LL FORCE ME TO DENY
I HATE FIRST DATES!
AND WITH SOME LUCK,
THIS NEXT FIRST DATE
WONT REALLY SUCK
FORGET THE PAST
HERES HOPING THAT THIS NEXT FIRST DATE
WILL BE MY LAST!
The two couples should now be seated at
two separate tables.

5.
Man #3 becomes the WAITER - early 40s,
straight talking, seen it all, mans
man.
Into the restaurant comes AARON, 30ish,
charming, conservative, wearing glasses
and dressed in a suit with black
loafers. He nervously looks around the
room for somebody. Not seeing them, he
heads to the bar where he is approached
by the waiter.
(Note: Throughout the show, the waiter
and various patrons in the restaurant
will also double as other characters
that emerge from the minds of AARON and
CASEY, our two lead characters on the
date. In instances where the waiter and
patrons take on other personas, NONE OF
THESE CHARACTERS is actually physically
present in the restaurant. They are
just imagined manifestations in the
heads of our two leads.)
WAITER
Are you waiting for a table?
AARON
Uhm... I dont know. Probably have to see how the drinks
portion of the evening goes first. Wouldnt wanna be too
presumptuous, know what I mean?
The waiter can tell Aaron is rather onedge.
WAITER
Can I get you something while you wait? Beer? Vodka? Xanax?
AARON
Uh, sure. Ill have a beer. Does that sound right? Yeah, give
me a beer. Thanks.
Do you care what kind?

WAITER

AARON
Something on tap. In a big glass. A big, manly glass...
The waiter goes behind the bar and
pours Aaron a beer.
WAITER
So... this a first date?

6.

Is it that obvious?

AARON

WAITER
You got pretty dressed up for it, didnt you?
AARON
I thought the suit would make me seem impressive and/or
distinguished. Am I wrong?
WAITER
Honestly? I think its making you seem desperate and/or
douche-y. But maybe Im wrong...
AARON
What am I supposed to do?! Shes going to be here any second!
WAITER
Okay, relax. Just lose the tie. Pop the collar a little...
Aaron quickly takes off his tie and
shoves it in his pocket. He unbuttons
the top button on his shirt.
And, uhh, try this!

WAITER
The waiter jams Aarons hands into a
pitcher of water on the bar. He makes
Aaron mess up his own hair. The waiter
then assesses Aaron.

How do I look?!

AARON

WAITER
I aint Picasso, kid. But at least were now headed in the
right direction...
The waiter grabs the pitcher and takes
off as Aaron tries get comfortable.
After a beat, CASEY, also 30-ish,
funky, pretty, a little too coollooking for Aaron, rushes into the
restaurant. She seems a bit frazzled as
she crosses down the stairs and looks
around the room. The waiter approaches
her at the entrance.
Can I help you?

WAITER

7.
CASEY
Yeah, has anyone come in who supposedly looks like Brad
Pitt?
WAITER
You must be the other half of the first date.
CASEY
Yep - thats me. And I guess that means hes already here.
WAITER
You say that like its a bad thing.
CASEY
Well, judging from past experience, its never a good sign
when the dudes...
(almost like a bad word)
... punctual. All right. So where is he? Lay him on me.
WAITER
You mean, Brad? I believe hes waiting for you at the bar.
Casey cranes her neck to look at Aaron,
who faces away from her - trying to
find a cool and casual stance for
himself at the bar. It isnt working.
And clearly this guy does NOT look
anything like Brad Pitt.
CASEY
Oh, boy. Bring me a shot of something strong, will you?
(on second thought)
And a chaser of something even stronger...
Casey approaches Aaron at the bar.

Hi.

CASEY
(trying to be peppy)
Aaron turns and face Casey.

Oh, hi. Are you--

AARON

CASEY
Casey. And you must be-Aaron. Thats me.

AARON
He jumps out of his seat to say hello.
But hes not sure whether to shake her
hand or hug her.

8.
AARON
Im sorry. Not quite sure of the protocol on this. Is this a
hug-like situation? A handshake? Fist bump? You tell me...
CASEY
Why dont we just start with the handshake and see where it
goes from there.
Fair enough.

AARON
Aaron shakes her hand. He then tries to
turn it into a fist bump with his hand
then exploding backward. Caseys not
into it.

CASEY
What is that? What are you doing?
AARON
I dont know. Im an idiot. Wanna sit?
Casey nods. She grabs the seat next to
him at the bar.
AARON
So... can I get you a drink?
CASEY
Oh, I already ordered two on the way in... Thanks.
(re: his drink)
And what are you drinking?
AARON
Nothin special. Just a little brewski...
CASEY
(displeased)
Did you just say brewski?
AARON
I sure did. But, if it makes you feel any better, I regretted
it the second it came out of my mouth...
Aaron takes a big sip of his beer.
CASEY
You okay, Aaron? You seem a little nervous...
AARON
Do I? Sorry. Its just...
(then; explaining)
I dont go on a lot of blind dates. This is actually, kinda,
most definitely, my first.

9.

For real?

CASEY

AARON
Fraid so. So, if I seem a little nervous its only because...
I am.
CASEY
Well, stop it. Because the more nervous you get...
(with a smile)
... the more I just want to make a mad dash for the door.
Casey takes off her jacket - revealing
a low-cut top and a kick-ass body
underneath. Theres also a rather large
Chinese tattoo on her wrist. Aaron
notices but tries his best not to
stare. The waiter comes back over.
One shot for the lady.
Thank you.

WAITER
CASEY
Casey casually downs the shot and hands
the glass back to him.

WAITER
And one cocktail for the lady...
And a thank you...

CASEY
The waiter takes off.

AARON
What was that all about?
CASEY
Its called taking the edge off. Maybe you should try it,
BDV. Could loosen you up.
BDV?

AARON

CASEY
Blind date virgin. Thats my new nickname for you. You mind it?
AARON
I mean, Id prefer something like A-dawg or Aar-bear, but-

10.
CASEY
(cutting him off)
Good. Now... BDV? Can I ask you a question?
AARON
Why not? Im an open book. Ask me anything you want.
CASEY
If youve never been on one of these before - why go on one now?
AARON
Well, if you want to know the truth, your sister, Lauren-CASEY
Yes, Im aware of her name...
AARON
Right. Well, her husband, Kevin, said you were really cute
and Id be an absolute moron to pass this up. So I decided
to take a risk and listen to him. And you?
CASEY
Lauren said you look like Brad Pitt.
Aaron laughs.
MUSIC CUE: FIRST IMPRESSIONS
CASEY
So, do you agree with Kevin?
About what?

AARON

CASEY
(playful; kinda mocking)
Am I really cute?
AARON
What? You cant just ask me that!
CASEY
Why not? You said you were an open book. So... am I?
Aaron thinks about this for a second.
Then turns out to the audience and
starts singing. Casey remains rather
frozen, looking at the place where
Aaron just was as he sings.
AARON
SHE'S A LITTLE ARTSY.
SHE'S HIP AND COOL.
SHE'S JUST LIKE ALL THOSE GIRLS

11.
THAT IGNORED ME ALL THROUGH SCHOOL.
SHE'S KINDA INDIE
AND PRETTY HOT
SHE'S A LOT LIKE ALL THE THINGS THAT I AM NOT.
THERE'S SOME ASIAN SYMBOL
TATOOED ON HER WRIST
SHES GOT THE KIND OF LOOK
THAT SAYS, HELLO, WORLD, IM PISSED.
SHE'S SORT OF HOSTILE
HER GUNS ARE DRAWN
IS IT WEIRD OR JUST SCREWED UP
THAT I'M TURNED ON?
BUT THAT'S JUST A FIRST IMPRESSION
I MIGHT BE TOTALLY WRONG
IT'S ONLY A FIRST IMPRESSION
AND MAYBE SHE'S A...
STUFFY AND CONSERVATIVE
WAY UPTIGHT GIRL WHO'S STILL A VIRGIN
NEVER GOES PAST SECOND BASE
SUPPRESSING EVERY SINGLE URGE UNTIL
SHE MARCHES DOWN THE AISLE
AND FIN'LLY TIES THE KNOT
SHE COULD WANT A GIANT FAMILY
AND BE AN OPRA DEVOTEE
HELL, EVEN HAVE A PHD!
YES, THAT'S WHO SHE COULD BE
I'm waiting?

CASEY

AARON
Uhm, yes. You're very... pleasant looking.
CASEY
(annoyed)
Pleasant looking?
AARON
No, I mean - attractive? Desirable? Stunningly beautiful? How
about d. All of the above? And what about me?
(then; playful)
Would you call the Brad Pitt description accurate?
Casey thinks about this for a second.
Then turns to the audience and starts
singing. Aaron holds his position,
looking at where she just was.
CASEY
HE'S A LITTLE AVERAGE.
AND OVERDRESSED

12.
HE'S GOT THE KIND OF VIBE THAT SAYS,
LOOK AT ME, I'M STRESSED.
Casey turns to Aaron. He de-freezes.
AARON
So? Tell me the truth. I can take it.
CASEY
(playful)
You're a dead ringer for Brad. I'm surprised more people aren't
swarming you for autographs.
Casey faces back out to the audience.
Aaron goes back into his freeze.
CASEY
PROBBLY LIKES TO CUDDLE,
LONG WALKS IN THE PARK,
AND IF HE LIKES SEX,
BET IT'S ONLY IN THE DARK!
BUT THAT'S JUST A FIRST IMPRESSION
I COULD BE TOTALLY WRONG.
IT'S ONLY A FIRST IMPRESSION
AND MAYBE HE'S A
NASTY, UNINHIBITED
FEROCIOUS TIGER IN THE SACK WHO
RIDES A HARLEY, HITS THE GYM
AND MAKES HIS MONEY DEALING CRACK
TO WEALTHY KIDS IN PRIVATE SCHOOLS
WHO TREAT HIM LIKE A GOD.
HE COULD KICK SOME ASS JUST LIKE BRUCE LEE
ENGAGE IN ONLINE PIRACY
AND NOT TAKE ANY SHIT FROM MEYES, THAT'S WHO HE COULD...
Now Aaron turns back out to the
audience. They both sing out for the
rest of the song.
AARON
THATS WHO SHE COULD
CASEY AND AARON
THATS WHO HE/SHE COULD BE
BUT THAT'S JUST A FIRST IMPRESSION
I COULD BE TOTALLY WRONG.
IT'S ONLY A FIRST IMPRESSION
AND THOUGH THE IMPRESSION IS STRONG
IT NEVER CAN HURT TO QUESTION
THOUGH I DOUBT THIS WILL LEAD TO ROMANCE.

13.
AARON
SOMETIMES THE ONES WHO SEEM GREAT
ARE A NIGHTMARE TO DATE
CASEY
EITHER WAY I'VE BEEN BURNED
BOTH
BUT THE ONE THING I'VE LEARNED
IS OFTEN TIMES FIRST IMPRESSIONS
AARON
ARE WORTH A SECOND GLANCE!
CASEY
IT'S WORTH A SECOND GLANCE!
A SECOND GLANCE!

AARON

CASEY
IT'S WORTH A SECOND GLANCE!
A SECOND GLANCE!

AARON

CASEY
IT'S WORTH A SECOND GLANCE!
BOTH
IT'S WORTH A SECOND GLANCE!
The music STOPS. They both return to
the exact positions they were in when
the song began.
So, now what do we do?
What do you mean?

AARON
CASEY

AARON
Well, its just... since Ive never been on one of these
before, and youre kinda the resident expert, I thought maybe
you could instruct me on what we are supposed to do next.
CASEY
Who told you Im the expert?!
AARON
Uhh, Kevin might have said something before I left work
tonight. Is he wrong? If hes wrong, Im really sorry...

14.
CASEY
No, hes not wrong. I mean hes horribly wrong to tell you
that information right before you met me. But, technically
speaking, hes not wrong.
AARON
So, then I guess the new nickname Ive been working on for
you the last few minutes still stands?
CASEY
Depends. What nickname is that?
AARON

BDS?

BDS?

CASEY
(suspicious)

(gulp)
Blind. Date... Slut?

AARON

Casey just stares at him.


No? Too soon?

AARON
Casey nods. Aaron instantly regrets it.

AARON
I agree. Sorry. Im not so good at the whole casual banter
thing.
(then; trying to banter)
So, do you... enjoy blind dates, Casey?
CASEY
God no. I hate them with an undying passion. I put them right
up there with pap smears and M. Night Shyamalan movies...
AARON
Then why do you go on so many?
CASEY
Because I think its important to be out there. To keep your
options open. And I guess I just keep hoping each time that
my next leap will be the leap home...
AARON
(surprised)
You know Quantum Leap? Nice. So, have you been on some really
bad ones?

15.
CASEY
Blind dates? No - were not doing that yet. Thats like
dating rule number one. Its waaaay too early in the evening
for me to start discussing other men.
AARON
See, I was not aware of that. This is why I need your help.
What kind of things should we be discussing?
CASEY
Well, since we know almost nothing about each other, then I would
say this should definitely be the small talk, get to know you
portion of the night.
AARON
Okay. I gotcha. Nothing too serious. Just keep things light
and breezy. I can handle that.
(then; casual)
So, where ya from?
Michigan.

CASEY
Just then, Caseys cell phone RINGS. She
takes it out of her pocket and looks at
it. As she does so, a small spotlight
comes up downstage left. One of the
restaurant patrons quickly throws a scarf
around his neck and heads into the light,
holding a cell phone up to his ear. This
is REGGIE, late 20s, Caseys super
fabulous, overly sensitive, kinda
dramatic, gay best friend. He impatiently
waits for Casey to pick up...

AARON
Do you need to get that? I dont mind...
CASEY
(thinking it over)
Uhm... no. Its okay.
You sure?

AARON

CASEY
Yeah. Not a problem. Now what were you saying?
Michigan.
Right. Michigan...

AARON
CASEY

16.
Casey puts the phone back in her purse.
As they continue to pantomime talking,
we focus on Reggie, as we hear Caseys
outgoing voicemail message:
CASEYS VOICE
(unenthused)
Hey, its Casey. Blah blah blah blah blah...
And then, the sound of a BEEP.
MUSIC CUE: BAILOUT SONG #1
REGGIE
THIS IS YOUR BAILOUT, SWEETIE
YOUR BAILOUT, HONEY
I'M CALLIN' TO BAIL YOU OUT.
YOU COULD TELL HIM YOUR DAD'S IN THE HOSPITAL
YOUR BUILDING'S ON FIRE
THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO SAY
AND YOU'RE FREE AND ON YOUR WAY!
IT'S YOUR BESTIE CALLING
IT'S REGGIE TO THE RESCUE
HERE TO SAVE YOU FROM ANOTHER CATASTROPHIC BLIND DATE.
I'VE DONE IT TIME AND AGAIN
SAVED YOU FROM HORRENDOUS MEN
ALL THOSE LOSERS WHO SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO PRO-CREATE.
LIKE THAT DENTIST WITH THE FOUL BREATH
THAT MADE YOU WANNA YACK.
OR THAT HIPPIE WITH THE HAIR
GROWING ONLY ON HIS BACK
OR THAT GUY OBSESSED WITH DISNEY
SECOND THOUGHT, I'LL CUT HIM SLACK.
(THOUGH HIS LOVE OF PRINCESSES WAS RATHER SUSPECT)
BUT I'M DIGRESSING, I'M OBSESSING
YOU DID NOT PICK UP YOUR CELL
WHICH MEANS YOU EITHER DIDN'T HEAR IT RING
OR THINGS ARE GOING WELL.
SO E-MAIL, CALL, OR FACEBOOK
TELL ME IF YOU LIKE THIS GUY.
OKAY THAT'S IT, I LOVE YOU LOTS
NEED YOU FOREVER - BYE!
THIS IS YOUR BAILOUT, SWEETIE
YOUR BAILOUT, HONEY
I'M CALLIN' TO BAIL YOU OUT.
YOU COULD TELL HIM YOUR GRANDMA BROKE HER HIP
OR YOUR DOG ATE SOME CHOCOLATE
THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO SAY
AND YOU'RE FREE AND ON YOUR WAY!
LATER, BITCH.

17.
Reggie hangs up the phone, throws off
the scarf and heads back to his seat,
where he continues to engage in normal
dinner conversation with his restaurant
companion. The spotlight goes down
stage left. We go right back to Aaron
and Casey mid-conversation.
AARON
I cant believe you grew up in Grosse Pointe! Do you know
anyone who went to Camp Riverlake?
Why? Did you go there?
Only for six summers.

CASEY
AARON

CASEY
Really? My neighbor Jessica Sheinwald went there.
AARON
Jessica Sheinwald. Yeah, I think I remember her.
CASEY
She only went for one summer. She fell in love with this total
asshole, Gabe, and they had like this insanely intense six week
romance. And then the colossal prick dumped her on the last day
of camp.
AARON
Was it Gabe... Rubenstone?
Yeah. Howd you know?

CASEY

AARON
Cause hes been my best friend since I was four.
A beat.
CASEY
And things were just starting to look up between us, too...
AARON
No, its okay. He was a real jerk back then.
(thinking it over)
Still is, actually...
(then)
What school did you go to?
Village Day.

CASEY

18.
AARON
Oh, a bunch of Riverlake people went there. Do you know Josh
Baumgarten?
CASEY
Sat next to me in art class.
And Rachel Hirsch?

AARON

CASEY
Kicked her ass all over the lacrosse field.
And David Nathanson?

AARON

CASEY
Oh my God. David...
(filled with wonder)
...Want to See a Magic Trick Nathanson? You knew that freak?
AARON
Worse! He was my roommate for three summers. Do you know how many
times he made me...
(mysterious)
... pick a card. Any card...
Casey laughs. They are both starting to
loosen up...
CASEY
Whered you go to college?
Penn. You?
B.U.

AARON
CASEY

AARON
B.U., huh? Should we continue playing Jewish Geography then?
Cause I can give you like ten more names...
CASEY
We can. I am good at this game. Even if Im not a Jew.
MUSIC CUE: THE GIRL FOR YOU
All of a sudden, the rest of the patrons
of the restaurant turn into a JEWISH
CHORUS, singing from their chairs.
OY VEY! OY VEY!

JEWISH CHORUS

19.
AARON
I'm sorry, what did you just say?
CASEY
I said, I'm not a Jew...
Casey freezes as Aaron turns out with a
look of deep agony and despair.
OY VEY! OY VEY!
THIS ISN'T THE GIRL
THIS ISN'T THE GIRL
DAI DAI DAI DAI DAI
DAI DAI DAI DAI DAI
THIS ISN'T THE GIRL

JEWISH CHORUS
FOR
FOR
DAI
DAI
FOR

YOU!
YOU!
DAI DAI
DAI
YOU!

One of the restaurant patrons gets up


from her table. Shes now a cute old
lady, who looks rather... otherworldly.
Meet Aarons dead GRANDMA IDA. (Again this is all in Aarons head.)
Note - if projections against the back
wall of the restaurant are possible
here, the mood should be rather...
ethereal and heavenly. Blue skies,
clouds, the works.
Aaron, bubalah!!

GRANDMA IDA

AARON
Grandma Ida, is that you?
That's right!

GRANDMA IDA

AARON
But... youre dead. What are you doing here?
GRANDMA IDA
I WAS BUSY PRAYING
AT MY TEMPLE IN THE SKY
WHEN I GOT AN URGENT MESSAGE
THAT WAS STRAIGHT FROM ADONAI
HE SAID, IDA, IT'S YOUR GRANDSON.
HE IS ACTING OUT OF LINE.
'CAUSE HE'S DATING CASEY CLARK
INSTEAD OF DATING SARAH STEIN!
I BEGGED, YAHWEH, SEND ME TO HIM!
I HAVE WISDOM TO IMPART!
PLUS MY GRANDSON AARON LOVES ME,

20.
AND HE'D NEVER BREAK MY HEART.
I CAN MAKE THE PISCHER UNDERSTAND
THE ERROR OF HIS WAYS
EVEN I ONCE SHTUPPED A SCHVARTZA IT WAS JUST A PASSING PHASE!
JEWISH CHORUS
EH, THE SCHVARTZA WAS A PHASE!
GRANDMA IDA
SO LISTEN TO ME, BOYCHIK
YOU'RE A MENSCH WHO'S WELL-ENDOWED
WITH BRAINS AND LOOKS AND TALENT I COULD PLOTZ, IM JUST SO PROUD!
BUT THOUGH I CUT YOU SLACK
WHEN YOU DID NOT RETURN MY CALLS,
IF YOU WED THIS LITTLE TSATSKELAH
I'LL BREAK YOUR MATZAH BALLS!
JEWISH CHORUS
THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU! - OY OY OY!
THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU! - A GOY GOY GOY!
GRANDMA IDA
SHE CONSIDERS JESUS BOSS
AND THINKS YOU NAILED HIM TO THE CROSS!
GRANDMA IDA AND JEWISH CHORUS
THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU!
And then, ANOTHER PATRON approaches the
table, dressed like a Priest.
Aaron?
Whoa. And who are you?

CASEYS CHRISTIAN FATHER


AARON

CASEYS CHRISTIAN FATHER


Im Caseys father. Her very disapproving, very Christian
father.
AARON
(confused)
Im sorry. Her father. Or her...
(hands together in prayer)
Father?
CASEYS CHRISTIAN FATHER
(meant to intimidate)
Both. And Aaron...
(sings)
YOU ARE RUINING MY DAUGHTER'S LIFE

21.
NEVER THOUGHT MY BABYD BE A HEBREWS WIFE.
WHY WOULD PEOPLE CALLED THE CHOSEN ONES
CHOOSE TO WEAR STRANGE HATS AND CIRCUMCISE THEIR SONS?
The Jewish Chorus now becomes a Church
Choir. Again, if projections are
possible, we should feel like we are in
a church. Stained glass windows, pews,
the works...
CHURCH CHOIR
CIRCUMCISE THEIR SONS!
CASEYS CHRISTIAN FATHER
YOU DON'T KNOW THE HOLY TRINITY
OR THE JOY FELT WHEN YOU TRIM A CHRISTMAS TREE.
AND SINCE YOU CANNOT SING THE FIRST NOEL
JESUS CHRIST WON'T SAVE YOU FROM THE GATES OF HELL.
CHURCH CHOIR
YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!
HALLELUJAH!

EVERYONE

CASEYS CHRISTIAN FATHER


EVERY ANGEL SINGS
FOR THE EASTER BUNNY
AND THE EGGS HE BRINGS.
HALLELUJAH

EVERYONE

CASEYS CHRISTIAN FATHER


FOR THE SIMPLE JOYS
OF A SUNDAY MASS
AND PRECIOUS ALTAR BOYS!
EVERYONE
THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU
AHHH!

CHURCH CHOIR

EVERYONE
THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU!
AHHH!

CHURCH CHOIR

CASEYS CHRISTIAN FATHER


HOW CAN I STAY COOL AND CALM
WHEN YOU DON'T PRAISE THE VIRGIN MOM?

22.
EVERYONE
THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU!
Finally, another patron becomes a
tweaked-out looking mess of a teenager.
Yo, Dad. sup?
Uhh, Im sorry - Dad?

AARONS FUTURE SON


AARON

AARONS FUTURE SON


What, you dont recognize me? Im yours and Caseys future
son. And Im, like, beyond messed up. So - thanks for that...
And now the mood should feel every bit
like a bad ass rap video. Banging cars,
slicked down empty streets, hoochies...
AARONS FUTURE SON
(rapping)
YOU GOT ME SO CONFUSED
I DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY TO CHOOSE
DO I CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS OR CHANUKAH?
EITHER WAY, I LOSE
'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE IN
WITH THE MIXED SIGNALS I'M RECEIVIN'
NOW, I DON'T FIT INTO A BOX
IM STRUNG OUT WITH DOUBT
AND I CANT DETOX
SHOULD I LIVE LIFE FOR THE MOMENT?
OR SHOULD I KNEEL AND REPENT?
DO I BELIEVE THE MESSIAH'S COMING
OR CAME AND WENT?
IM STUCK AND ITS FUCKIN DEPRESSIN
FROM ALL THIS PERPETUAL GUESSIN
DONT MEAN TO BE PREACHY
BUT LIKE NIETZSCHE THE NIHILIST
IM THINKIN THAT GOD DONT EXIST
DO I CRY AT SCHINDLER'S LIST
OR WEEP AT THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST?
SHOULD I SHOP RETAIL WHEN THERE IS NO SALE
OR KVETCH THAT IT'S ALL OVERPRICED!
I'M GONNA HAUNT YOU LIKE A POLTERGEIST!
MY WHOLE IDENTITY YOU'VE SACRIFICED!
WHY DIDN'T YOU USE A CONDOM?!

23.
GRANDMA IDA
Don't you see, Aaron? Marry her, and you'll destroy the
entire order of the known universe!
Grandma Ida, Caseys Christian father
and Aarons future son all sing/rap in
counterpoint.
GRANDMA IDA
I WAS BUSY PRAYING
AT MY TEMPLE IN THE SKY
WHEN I GOT AN URGENT MESSAGE
THAT WAS STRAIGHT FROM ADONAI
HE SAID, IDA, IT'S YOUR GRANDSON.
HE IS ACTING OUT OF LINE.
'CAUSE HE'S DATING CASEY CLARK
INSTEAD OF DATING SARAH STEIN!
CASEYS CHRISTIAN FATHER
(in counterpoint)
YOU ARE RUINING
MY DAUGHTER'S LIFE
NEVER THOUGHT MY BABYD
BE A HEBREWS WIFE.
WHY WOULD PEOPLE
CALLED THE CHOSEN ONES
CHOOSE TO WEAR STRANGE HATS
AND CIRCUMCISE THEIR SONS?
AARONS FUTURE SON
(in counterpoint)
YOU GOT ME SO CONFUSED
I DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY TO CHOOSE
DO I CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS OR CHANUKAH?
EITHER WAY, I LOSE.
'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE IN
WITH THE MIXED SIGNALS IM RECEIVIN
NOW, I DON'T FIT INTO A BOX
IM STRUNG OUT WITH DOUBT
EVERYONE
THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU!
NOT NOT FOR YOU!

AARONS FUTURE SON

EVERYONE
THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU!
AARONS FUTURE SON
SO TRUE! SO TRUE!
SIX THOUSAND YEARS OF HISTORY
ARE RESTIN' ON YOUR HEAD

24.
GRANDMA IDA
IF YOU MARRIED HER, YOU'D KILL ME
WERE I NOT ALREADY DEAD!
CASEYS CHRISTIAN FATHER
I WON'T HAVE MY GRANDKIDS RAISED ON
BAGELS, LOX AND CREAM CHEESE SPREAD...

NOW LETS REVIEW:


SHES NOT A JEW!

GRANDMA IDA, MAN #2, CASEYS


WASPY FATHER, WOMAN #2
AARONS FUTURE SON

EVERYONE
SO THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU!
GRANDMA IDA
A SHAYNA MAYDL
BUT SHE DOESN'T SPIN THE DREIDEL
EVERYONE
THIS ISN'T THE GIRL FOR YOU!
Everyone quickly goes back to their
tables.
EVERYONE
THE SHIKSAS NOT FOR YOU!
They throw off their costumes, and the
lights go back to normal. Aaron tries
to shake off what just happened.
AARON
So, youre, uh, really not Jewish, huh?
Nope.
Half-Jewish?
Uh-uh.
Quarter-Jew?
Not even a little...

CASEY
AARON
CASEY
AARON
CASEY

25.
AARON
How about relatives? You got like a sister or a cousin or
somebody who got all rebellious and married an Ashkenazi?
CASEY
Very doubtful. Is this a problem for you, Aaron?
AARON
Uhm, no. Not for me... necessarily... Maybe for some others
in my family...
(trailing off)
Or your family... Or future children we may or may not have...
CASEY
Well, if you ask me, I think all that religion stuff is total
bullshit, anyway.
AARON
You do? So you dont have countless crosses and rosary beads
and pictures of pudgy little angels hanging, like, right above
your bed, do you? Cause that might actually be a bit of a
dealbreaker for me.
CASEY
No. My parents never really cared about any of that stuff.
So, from an early age I became much more of an atheist.
AARON
Oh, does that mean you dont believe in God at all?
CASEY
Is this your way of keeping things light and breezy?
Right. Sorry.

AARON

(trying to change tacts)


Uhm... whats your favorite color?
CASEY
No, its okay. To answer your question - I do believe in a higher
power. But I also think organized religions have become so
overlaid with extraneous matter that their actual spiritual
substance has become almost completely obscured. Know what I mean?
Aaron shakes his head yes. Then
shakes his head no. He has no idea
what shes talking about.
CASEY
Well, youre the one who asked!
Casey takes a sip of her cocktail.

26.
AARON
Wait! Dont stop! Im fascinated. Keep going...
You sure? For real?

CASEY
Aaron nods. Clearly this topic
stimulates Casey.

CASEY
Okay. Its just lately Ive been reading a lot of Eckhart
Tolle. Ever heard of him?
Before Aaron can respond-CASEY
Doesnt matter. Point is - hes a big believer in the power of
now. And, since I have a bad tendency of getting in my head at
times, what Im really trying to do is separate the process of
thinking and awareness in an effort to transcend my ego-based
state of consciousness.
AARON
(still lost)
Of course. I mean - obviously! And hows that workin out for
you?
CASEY
Not so well. I have a very hard time silencing my inner critic.
AARON
(agreeing)
Tell me about it...
CASEY
(genuinely interested)
Really? You too?
AARON
Oh, yeah. I mean, my inner critic wont shut up right now.
Whats he saying?

CASEY

AARON
(jokingly)
To get out of this date as quickly as possible.
Aaron laughs. But this doesnt land so
well with Casey.
CASEY
Are you making fun of me?

27.
AARON
No. I was only joking...
CASEY
(defensive)
Cause you brought it up. I didnt want to talk about it.
AARON
Youre right. Im sorry.
CASEY
Yknow, its too bad youre so close-minded about this stuff.
Cause I bet a little meditation and self-reflection could
actually help you. Could help everybody...
AARON
Definitely. It could.... do that... For me... And you... All
of us... The people... Of the world...
A long, painful, awkward pause. Then,
Casey and Aaron both go into a freeze as
the patrons and the waiter dramatically
turn out to the audience to comment on the
action.
MUSIC CUE: THE AWKWARD PAUSE
PATRONS & WAITER
THE PAUSE! THE PAUSE!
THE DREADED AWKWARD PAUSE!
IT'S THAT SILENCE WHEN YOU'VE NOT A THING TO SAY
NO HEMS, NO HAWS
CAN HELP YOU IN ESCAPING
THIS BOUNDLESS, SOUNDLESS, CRUEL DATING CLICH!
IF THIS LULL KEEPS UP, YOUR CHANCE IS SLIM
OF GETTING THIS NIGHT BACK ON TRACK
THE LIKELIHOOD OF LOVE IS GRIM
WHENEVER YOU FEEL ITS ATTACK!
MEN
YOU'LL NEVER KNOW IF UNDERNEATH HER SHIRT IS AN AMAZING
RACK...
PIGS!

WOMEN

PATRONS & WAITER


ALL 'CAUSE YOU'RE STUCK INSIDE ITS JAWS
THE AGONIZING, PARALYZING AWKWARD... PAUSE!
The patrons sit, and the waiter goes
back to his business. Casey and Aaron
come out of their freeze.

28.

Can I--

AARON

CASEY
Why dont we-They both try to talk again.

AARON
I didnt mean--

Maybe I--

CASEY

One more time.


AARON
I should probably--

CASEY
Have you ever--

CASEY
Dear God, stop!
(then; sweetly)
You go first.
AARON
Im sorry. I shouldnt have made fun of you like that. I
guess I didnt realize how seriously you take that stuff.
CASEY
Im sorry, too. I just get a little defensive about it
because I think its actually a good thing - trying to get to
know yourself. But most people just look at me like Im some
sorta mental patient when I talk about it.
AARON
Well, I wont - not anymore. No crazy looks from me.
Im glad to hear it.

CASEY
A beat. Aaron tries to go back to
keeping things light.

AARON
(like a valley girl)
OMG! Did we, like, just totally have our first fight?
CASEY
(laughing)
I think we kinda did.
Aaron looks down at his body.
AARON
And we got through it. No cuts, no bruises...
CASEY
Barely any internal bleeding.

29.
AARON
Maybe theres a small smidgeon of hope for us yet.
Aaron goes in for a flirty clink of
their glasses. Casey pulls away before
the glasses touch and takes a big gulp
of her cocktail.
AARON
So, since were already in this terribly uncomfortable place - is
there anything else I should know about you before we continue
with this date? Any weird fetishes? Diseases? Black sheep family
members? I mean - Ill be totally cool with it, I promise.
CASEY
Well, now that you mention it, I guess there is one thing I
should tell you about...
AARON
Oh, yeah? Lay it on me...
CASEY
I have a four year-old son, Blaze.
Instantly, a puppet version of a little
boy POPS UP next to Casey. (Note: Aaron
is the only one who sees this puppet.)
Hello!

BLAZE
Aarons face drops.

You do?

AARON

CASEY
Yeah. Hes the best. Just the little light of my life.
AARON
Huh. Wow. Blaze. Oh-kay...
Blaze reaches for some nuts on the bar
counter. But he misses, knocking the
whole tray over and making a mess.
AARON
So, uhh, whos the father?
CASEY
Im not entirely sure...
Youre not?

AARON

30.
As Casey continues to talk, the Blaze
puppet starts studying Aaron intensely.
CASEY
No, I mean, I know its definitely one of, like two or three
people. I figure at some point we can always do DNA testing,
right? But only if Blaze absolutely feels like he just has to
meet his birth father...
BLAZE
(to Aaron)
Are you my daddy?
Blaze plops down onto Aarons lap.
Aaron tries to keep it cool as he
continues talking to Casey.
AARON
Yeah, no, that sounds good... So, whats he like?
CASEY
Oh, hes a very energetic, active, hyper kid. And he hasnt
been officially diagnosed yet. But we think he might have ADD.
Blaze starts climbing all over Aaron.
BLAZE
I like baseball and basketball and soccer and drawing and
chocolate and Elmo and airplanes and french fries and video
games and -AARON
Well, you must really have your hands full...
Blaze now climbs onto Aarons head.
CASEY
I do. But you know what? No matter how much he kicks and
screams and bites-Blaze bites Aarons head.
CASEY
-- oh does he love to bite - and cries and fights me on
every... single... thing.
Blaze starts hitting Aaron on the head
repeatedly.
CASEY
At the end of the day, when Im sitting there breastfeeding...

31.
Blaze quickly jumps from Aarons head
directly onto Caseys nipple. (Over the
shirt...) He is suddenly totally and
completely calm...
CASEY
And he looks up at me... with my nipple in his cute, little
mouth-AARON
You still breast-feed your four-year-old?
Blaze un-puckers from Caseys chest,
nods at Aaron, then goes right back to
sucking.
CASEY
Of course! It really helps with the mother-son bond. Point is
- I wouldnt change it for the world...
AARON
Well, thats great. Im really happy for you two... Kinda
surprised Kevin neglected to mention it to me, but-Blaze gently caresses his moms cheek
as he continues to breast-feed.
CASEY
Oh, and Aaron? Theres just one more thing you should know
about Blaze...
(weakly)
Really? Something else?

AARON

CASEY
He doesnt exist. Im just messing with you.
Blaze instantly drops out of sight.
AARON
Thank God - cause Im not ready to deal with kids. Like - at
all.
Casey looks at Aaron - disappointed.
Hes real.

CASEY

AARON
(extremely awkward)
Oh, then, uhh...
A long beat. Then:

32.

Im just kidding!

CASEY
Casey busts up laughing.

AARON
Why would you do that to me?!
CASEY
Oh, cmon! It was funny. Wasnt it?
Just then Caseys know-it-all, super
type-A, pull no punches, older sister,
LAUREN, pops up from another table.
Aaron goes into a freeze.
LAUREN
Yeah, super funny. Really got him there. Kudos, sis!
CASEY
Uchh, Lauren, what do you want?!
LAUREN
Oh, I dont know. Maybe to help you get married. Or, at least
asked out on a second date. I really dont get it, Case. Why
do you insist on being so-CASEY
Daring, bold and delightfully controversial?
LAUREN
I was going to say harsh, guarded and slightly confrontational.
But - you know. Six of one...
CASEY
I cant help it. Its just who I am.
LAUREN
Thats cute. But you know what else you cant help?
Lauren points upward. Just then, a loud
BOOMING, ECHOEY TICKING CLOCK STARTS
TICKING THROUGHOUT THE THEATRE.
LAUREN
Your biological clock! And if you listen real close, do you
hear what its saying?
(a beat, then)
STOP FUCKING AROUND!
Lauren makes a swiping gesture. The
clock stops.

33.
CASEY
Thats not fair! You know Ive been trying.
LAUREN
No, you havent. This is all a game to you. A sport. Youre
not looking for the one. Youre just looking for new ways
to amuse yourself at other peoples expense.
CASEY
Well, maybe we cant all be like you. Maybe we dont all find
the perfect man in college. And settle down at twentyfucking-four in Connecticut!
LAUREN
Thats hurtful. We didnt get our first house in Westport
till I was twenty-eight and you know it!
(then; calming down)
Just do me a favor. Work a little harder with this guy.
Cause Kevin really likes him. And it wouldnt be the worst
thing in the world if you dated someone nice for once...

Fine.

CASEY
(reluctant)
Lauren sits back down. Aaron comes out
of his freeze.

AARON
You know what? I think I need another beer.
(then; to waiter)
Can I get another beer please?
Casey tries to warm up a little.
CASEY
Uh oh. Did my menace of an imaginary child force you to start
drinking again? He does have that effect on people.
AARON
Im sure he does. Cause I was this close to driving my
imaginary mini-van off a very steep cliff.
Casey laughs.
CASEY
Listen, Aaron. Dont feel bad. I totally get why Blaze would
scare you off. I mean, were not all meant to be breeders.
Nothing says we have to have children. Am I right?
AARON
(uh oh)
You dont want to have children?

34.
Casey realizes she just stepped in it.
CASEY
Uhh, no. I do. Definitely. Litters of em. Someday.
AARON
Me, too! I want to have a very big family. Just not yet. But,
cmon - cant you picture a bunch of little Aarons running
around? Giving goofy handshakes.
Casey laughs.
CASEY
Yeah, I could see that. All in their little suits.
AARON
You know, its funny. My ex always used to say to me-Suddenly, at one of the other tables
behind Casey, another patron quickly
pops up. This is GABE, Aarons sortaschlubby, but extremely confident best
friend. Casey freezes.
Oh, no you dont.
No, I dont... what?

GABE
AARON

GABE
Dude, duuuuuude. Weve been over this like a hundred times.
You never, ever bring up on your ex on a first date.
AARON
Why not, Gabe? Allison was such a huge part of my life and-ALLISON
-- theres just no way to exclude me from the conversation.
Both Aaron and Gabe look over to see
ALLISON - an Upper East Side, highmaintenance, put-together JAP, sitting
at another table. She waves at Aaron.
GABE
No, no, NO! What is she doing here? Get her out of your head,
Aaron! Im begging you! This is not the time to be thinking
about Allison.
ALLISON
Guess he cant help himself, Gabe. Im simply too wonderful.

35.

She really is.

AARON
Aaron looks back at Allison. She smiles
at him as her hair blows in the wind.
He is transfixed. Which triggers:
MUSIC CUE: ALLISONS THEME #1

ALLISON
YOU LOOK BUFF,
YOU'VE BEEN WORKING OUT, BABE.
ALL YOUR HOTNESS IS MAKING ME WEAK.
LOVE THE HAIRCUT,
I LOVE THE SUIT.
YOU'RE A WALKING EXAMPLE OF "CHIC."
YOU'RE THE HANDSOMEST MAN IN THIS RESTAURANT,
LIKE A MODEL RIGHT OUT OF GQ.
YOU ARE ALSO THE WORLD'S GREATEST LOVER
SO RIP OFF MY CLOTHES
SPREAD MY LEGS
HAVE YOUR WAY WITH ME
OH, HOW I CRAVE YOUR-Gabe cuts her off, breaking Aarons
reverie.
GABE
Cut the crap! Rip off my clothes? Have your way with me?
That is not what Allison would say and you know it. Now be
honest with yourself. What did she really say to you?
AARON
You mean, like... in the bedroom?
(off Gabes nod)
Well, I guess it went something more like this.
The lights instantly go BLACK in the
theatre. The audience only hears the
conversation. This should all be played
very real.
ALLISON (IN BLACK)
Eww, Aaron. What are you doing? Are you actually trying to
have sex with me right now?
AARON (IN BLACK)
Yeah, kinda. Do you mind?
ALLISON (IN BLACK)
I dont feel like it. Plus, I think Im having some sort of
weird allergic reaction to something I ate at dinner.

36.
AARON (IN BLACK)
Come on, Allison! We havent done it in weeks! Its not fair!
(a beat)
Where are you going? I thought we were talking...
Just then - we hear the SOUND of a
vibrator being turned on.
AARON (IN BLACK)
(pleasantly surprised)
Oh. Well, that could work, too. Whatever gets you in the
mood. Just so you know, Im happy to lend a hand if you...
want me to...
Gabe claps two times (like hes turning
on The Clapper.) The lights come back
on revealing - Allison brushing her
teeth with an ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH.
Thats the sound we were hearing. Gabe
stares at Aaron.
You thought she was--

GABE
Aaron sadly nods.

GABE
But she wasnt, was she?
AARON
(defeated)
Not even close...
GABE
You see, Aaron? The real Allison is not the way you choose to
remember her. She is a frigid, conniving wench that you need
to permanently erase from your thoughts so you can finally
move on.
AARON
Okay, fine. I can get Allison out of my head. No big deal...
Aaron gently places Allison back down
in her seat. He turns to Gabe.
AARON
There - shes gone. Happy? Now, what am I supposed to do
about my date, because-GABE
Thankfully, youve got your best friend here to help you
through this. Now, Aaron, look at me. Do I get ass?

37.

Yes!

GABE AND AARON

AARON
Its one of lifes great mysteries. And it both disgusts and
fascinates me every time it actually works - but...
(not wanting to admit it)
Yes - you get ass...
GABE
And Im going to help you get some, too. But only if you
listen to your consigliere... So remember, you talk about the
ex - you can forget about the sex. Got it?
Aaron nods. Casey comes out of her
freeze.
CASEY
Your ex always used to say to you... what?
AARON
Oh, not much. Nothing at all actually. She was... mute.
(off Gabes WTF)
Can we talk about something else?
CASEY
Absolutely! Lets re-focus...
Casey looks to Lauren for support.
Then:
CASEY
Now, I know men looove to talk about work. So, why dont you
regale me with stories and delightful anecdotes about that.
AARON
(suddenly cocky)
No problem-o. What would you like to know?
CASEY
Well, what is it that you do exactly?
AARON
(almost seductive)
Investment banking. Corporate finance. And occasionally I toy
around with mergers and acquisitions.
CASEY
Mmm. Sounds... riveting.
The waiter returns with Aarons beer.
There you go.

WAITER

38.

Thanks.

AARON
The waiter takes off.

AARON
Okay, so maybe its not the most sexy or fascinating job on the
planet. But, it pays the bills.
CASEY
Yes, but does it fulfill your soul?
AARON
It fulfills my sole... purpose of making money.
Casey rolls her eyes.
CASEY
Oh, so youre one of those, are you? Is that what its all
about for you? The cash-ola?
AARON
Is is for now. Whats it all about for you? I think Kevin told
me you work at an art gallery? Was that really your lifelong
ambition?
CASEY
No. But at least its creative. And its a good place for me
to study my craft...
Which is?
Photography...

AARON
CASEY

AARON
Oh. Youre a photographer?
CASEY
(uncomfortable and cryptic)
Yes. No. Sort of... I mean, I dabble. Used to dabble... I own
a camera...
AARON
And what sort of things do you do at the gallery? Do you pick
out all the pieces yourself?
Sometimes. Why?

CASEY

AARON
Only because I thought that whole Damien Hirst exhibit was
awesome.

39.

Thanks.

CASEY

(then; suspicious)
Wait a minute. Howd you know about that?
AARON
I... might have done some research online before our date.
You googled me?

CASEY

AARON
Yes, I googled you. I had to know at least a little bit of
what I was getting into before meeting you...
CASEY
And what else did you find out?
MUSIC CUE: THE WORLD WIDE WEB IS
FOREVER
Just then, the room goes dark and all
the lights in the restaurant start
flashing on-and-off in different
computer-like colors. We also HEAR
the sounds of various computer BEEPS
and MODEMS. Reveal a very theatricaltype woman. This is GOOGLE LADY.
GOOGLE LADY
What didnt he find out?
CASEY
Oh, no. Google? Is that you - again? Why do you always have
to ruin everything?
GOOGLE LADY
Because Im the worlds number one search engine, thats why.
And Casey...
(sings)
YOU KNOW EXACTLY ALL THAT HE UNCOVERED
YOUR DIRTY SECRETS AREN'T SAFE WITH ME.
MISTAKES THAT WOULD BE BETTER UNDISCOVERED
I DISPLAY THEM ALL FOR ALL TO SEE.
LIKE THAT TIME THAT YOU WERE THROWN OUT OF THE GIRL SCOUTS
OR HAD A CRAZY THREE-WAY IN A CHURCH...
AND THAT NIGHT THAT YOU GOT CAUGHT,
WITH A HALF A BRICK OF POT...
IT'S ALL THERE WHEN YOU CLICK SEARCH...
A big painting on the wall of the
restaurant drops down revealing a large
photo of Caseys unflattering mug shot.

40.
GOOGLE LADY
AND YOU CAN'T ERASE IT
YOU CAN'T SUPPRESS
ALL THE INFORMATION
THAT MY SERVERS POSSESS
THERE'S A LITTLE SAYING
THAT I HOLD DEAR
THE WORLD WIDE WEB IS FOREVER
SO YOU'VE EVERYTHING TO FEAR.
Casey takes her iPhone out of her
purse.
AARON
(concerned)
What are you doing?
CASEY
Well, if you googled me, I think its only fair I google you
right back. Dont you?
AARON
(suddenly concerned)
No. Not at all. I mean, you cant believe everything you read
on the Internet...
GOOGLE LADY
(turning to Aaron)
Uh-oh, buddy. Youre in big trouble. Shes pulling up all
sorts of web pages here. Look out - cause here they come!
As she starts calling out the different
sites names, the other restaurant
patrons stand up (or come out) from
wherever they are - and tear off their
tops - revealing t-shirts with their
websites logo on them.
Twitter!

GOOGLE LADY

TWITTER
THOSE TWEETS YOU TWEETED AFTER YOUR BIG BREAKUP.
Facebook!

GOOGLE LADY

FACEBOOK
YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS CAP OUT AT FIFTY-FOUR!
YouTube!

GOOGLE LADY

41.
YOUTUBE
THAT MOVIE OF YOU IN A DRESS AND MAKEUP
Aw, geez...

AARON

YOUTUBE
HUMPING AN INFLATED DINOSAUR.
AARON
It was a fraternity hazing ritual!
eBay!

GOOGLE LADY

EBAY
THAT JUSTIN BIEBER AUTOGRAPH YOU BID ON.
For my niece!

AARON

GOOGLE LADY
OR HOW YOU WERE ACCUSED OF HOMICIDE!
AARON
Oh, come on! That was another Aaron Goldfarb!
GOOGLE LADY
ALL THE WORLD WILL ALWAYS KNOW
HOW YOU HAD A BIG JEW FRO!
Someone shuts the blinds on the
restaurant door, revealing (in the
slits of the blinds) a class PHOTO of
an awkward YOUNG AARON - with a
ginormous head of hair.
GOOGLE LADY
YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE...
It wasnt that bad!

AARON

EVERYONE
'CAUSE YOU CAN'T ERASE IT
YOU CAN'T SUPPRESS
ALL THE INFORMATION
THAT OUR SERVERS POSSESS
GOOGLE LADY
THERE'S NO HITTING BACKSPACE
NO SECOND CHANCE

42.
EVERYONE
THE WORLD WIDE WEB IS FOREVER,
GOOGLE LADY
THREATENING ANY SHOT AT ROMANCE.
Aaron now takes out his iPhone.
AARON
Okay, hotshot. Clearly I didnt search hard enough the first
time. Lets see what other dirt I can find on you...
The websites sit down at various tables
and each lift up portions of their
table tops. Each one revealing laptops
embedded in the tables. (Dueling
laptops at each table...) They all do a
synchronized keyboard typing dance meant to approximate a tapping
interlude in the song... They sing as
they look at their keyboards.
OH MY!
THAT'S BAD!
HOW EMBARRASSING!

EVERYONE

The music stops for a beat.


CASEY
You want a war, kid? You just got one...
The music starts again.
EVERYONE
OH WOW
NO WAY
YOU DID THAT?!
THIS CAN'T BE YOU
AWKWARD
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
PERVERT.
YOU CAN'T ESCAPE US
WE ARE ALWAYS THERE.
GOOGLE LADY
WATCHING AND WAITING,
AND SOMETIMES MISSTATING
THE TRUTH, THUS NEGATING
YOUR CHANCES OF MATING.
NO POINT IN DEBATING
'CAUSE WE'VE BEEN CREATING

43.
A HELL UNABATING
FOR ANYONE DATING...
EVERYONE
OH, YOU CAN'T DELETE
ALL THE CRAP YOU'VE DONE
IT'S MAN VERSUS THE INTERNET
AND GUESS WHO HAS WON!
GOOGLE LADY
SO REMEMBER WHEN YOU SKYPE
IN THE NUDE...
EVERYONE
THE WORLD WIDE WEB IS FOREVER
Forever!

GOOGLE LADY

EVERYONE
THE WORLD WIDE WEB IS FOREVER
THE WORLD WIDE WEB IS FOREVER
TAKE NOTE, OR YOU'RE TOTALLY SCREWED
YOURE REALLY SCREWED!
AARON
Can we please just call a truce?
Definitely.

CASEY
The music ends as the patrons quickly
throw back on their clothes, slam down
their laptops creating tabletops again,
and go back to eating as normal. (The
painting also comes back up on the wall
and the waiter opens the blinds again.)
They both put away their phones.

AARON
I gotta say - I know the Internets supposed to be this great
way to connect people or whatever. But I think its doing the
opposite. Especially when it comes to dating...
CASEY
I agree! I mean, you can pretty much find out everything you
could ever possibly want to know about somebody before even
meeting them. What fun is that?
AARON
Yeah, its like you make all these unfair judgments without
ever seeing the person face-to-face.

44.
CASEY
Or experiencing what its like to interact with them.
To hear their voice...

AARON

CASEY
And, God forbid, maybe even touch them...
Casey reaches out her arm and touches
Aarons hand. The moment doesnt go
unnoticed by Aaron. Just then, the
waiter comes back over.
How we doin over here?

WAITER

AARON
(slightly raised voice)
Great! Were doing great.
Casey takes her hand off of Aarons.
WAITER
Can I get you guys anything else? Maybe some food? We have a
stellar menu.
Aaron looks to Casey.
AARON
You know what? Im actually kinda starving right now. Do you
want to...?
CASEY
Uhh, yeah. Sure. I could eat something.
Right this way...

WAITER
The waiter pulls out Caseys bar stool
and starts escorting them over to their
table. As he does, Lauren falls in step
with Casey.

LAUREN
Would you please explain to me that hand move?
GABE
Dude, I cant believe it! She totally put her hand on you!
CASEY
(to Lauren)
What - that?! That was nothing.

45.
AARON
(to Gabe)
Yes, Im aware. Im trying not to make a big deal about it.
LAUREN
Look at me - Case. Now do you want to find something genuine
and meaningful like I have with Kevin, or not?
CASEY
Uhh, sure. I mean - in theory... maybe not quite what you
have, but-LAUREN
Then you gotta start playing it slow. Cause landing a
quality guy is a marathon. Not a sprint to Fuck County.
Lauren pulls out the chair for Casey
and she sits. At the same time, Aaron
heads to the table when Gabe falls in
step with him.
GABE
Well, whatever it is youre doing - keep doing it. Cause you
might actually have a chance with this one.
(off Aarons look)
I know. Im as shocked as you are...
Aaron takes a deep breath and smiles at
Casey. Gabe pulls out the chair for him.
Aaron sits. The waiter hands Casey and
Aaron menus.
Here you go.

WAITER
The waiter takes off. Aaron and Casey
start to peruse the menus. Gabe and
Lauren read them over their shoulders.

AARON
(re: menu)
What are you thinking?
CASEY
Im not sure. The chargrilled burger with Roquefort cheese and
shoestring french fries sounds pretty amazing...
LAUREN
It sure does. If youre trying to make weight right before a
big sumo wrestling competition. But not on a first date...
CASEY
Why not? It shows him that Im confident with my body and
that I dont have any weird eating issues.

46.
LAUREN
No. It shows him that you have an unusually healthy appetite.
And that one day this is all going to go away and youre
gonna end up on The Biggest Loser - Gee, I Wonder Why Im
Still Single Edition.
CASEY
Thats ridiculous. Guys dont think like that. Im getting
the burger.
(to Aaron)
What are you going to get?
AARON
I was thinking maybe the chopped salad.
GABE
No. Fuck you. Youre not getting that.
AARON
Why? Whats the big deal?
GABE
Salads are for pussies. Youre getting the burger. Rare.
But... I want a salad.

AARON

GABE
And I want Megan Fox. But you know how Im not getting her?
By ordering a sissy salad with my balls on the side on our
very first date...
AARON
Youre insane. Im not listening to you. I want a chopped
salad. Im getting the chopped salad.
The waiter comes back to the table.
Made any decisions?

WAITER

CASEY
(instantly)
Ill have the chopped salad please.
AARON
(quickly)
And Ill have the burger.
Coming right up...

WAITER

47.
The waiter grabs the menus and leaves.
A satisfied Gabe and Lauren head back
to their table. Aaron looks over at
Casey.
AARON
What happened? I thought you were gonna get the burger. You
didnt just order the salad for my benefit, did you?
CASEY
(caught)
No. Course not. Why would I do that?
AARON
Well, you know, a lot of girls think they have to eat a salad
on a first date - to show a guy that they care about their
body or whatever, which I think is completely ridiculous.
You do?

CASEY

AARON
Personally, Id rather a girl order some meat and potatoes.
Really get in there. But thats just my preference.
CASEY
Are you trying to tell me you dont care about how a girl
looks?
AARON
Not really, no. Id just rather she was happy.

For real?

CASEY
(dubious)

AARON
Honestly. I mean it. At the end of the day, looks go. But if
you have things in common, and can still make each other
laugh, thats what really matters.
Just then, TWO EDGY LOOKING GUYS appear
behind Aaron. He freezes.
MUSIC CUE: THATS WHY YOU LOVE ME
EDGY ROCKER GUY
You have got to be kidding me.
EDGY BRITISH GUY
Youre not really gonna fall for this bollocks, are you?
CASEY
Cmon, guys! You have no right to get in the middle of this.

48.
EDGY BRITISH GUY
We have every right to get in the middle of this.
Were your past...

EDGY ROCKER GUY

EDGY BRITISH GUY


And your future, love...
CASEY
Look. You guys satisfied a very specific need at a very
specific time in my life. But thankfully, that phase is over.
EDGY ROCKER GUY
You only think its over.
EDGY BRITISH GUY
You like bad boys, Casey. Not-(re: Aaron)
-- this. Its who you are.
Why fight it?

EDGY ROCKER GUY


The two bad boys reach for bottles on
the restaurants wine rack. When they
grab off the tops - they actually
become microphones. As they sing, the
restaurant turns into a full-on stadium
rock concert. Smoke, flashing lights,
pyrotechnics - the works. It would also
be great to hint at an arena filled
with people with projections...

EDGY ROCKER GUY


I NEVER OPEN UP YOUR DOOR
I NEVER SHOWER YOU WITH PRAISE
WHEN YOU CALL OR TEXT MY PHONE
I DON'T REPLY TO YOU FOR DAYS.
I CAN'T HOLD DOWN A JOB
I FAILED MY G.E.D.
I'M ANGRY THEN INDIFFERENT
AND BABE, OOOH BABE,
THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME.
THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME.
EDGY BRITISH GUY
I TAKE YOU OUT TO AWESOME MEALS
BUT CAN'T AFFORD TO PAY THE CHECKS
I WILL PLEDGE ETERNAL LOVE
THEN LEAVE YOUR PLACE RIGHT AFTER SEX.
I ALWAYS SAY I'M BOOKED
IN TRUTH, I'M USUALLY FREE
I CANCELED ON YOUR BIRTHDAY

49.
AND BABE, OOOH BABE,
THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME.
EDGY ROCKER GUY
THATS WHY YOU LOVE ME.
BOTH
THATS WHY YOU LOVE ME.
As they continue to sing, its clear
that some of their words are actually
getting through to Casey. Try as she
might to fight it - its no use. She
just cant resist these guys.
EDGY BRITISH GUY
YOU LOVE HOW I KEEP YOU GUESSING
IF I'M INTERESTED OR NOT
EDGY ROCKER GUY
AND HOW I TELL YOUR MOTHER
THAT SHE IS SUPER-FRICKIN' HOT
BOTH
HOW I COVER UP MY LIES
BY SAYIN' I'M HANGIN' WITH THE GUYS.
EDGY BRITISH GUY
NO ONE'LL TREAT YOU HALF AS NICE
EDGY ROCKER GUY
I ONLY CHEATED ON YOU TWICE...
The two guys throw Casey down onto a
chair in the middle of the room and
proceed to sing to and around her.
BOTH
YOU'VE GOT NO CHOICE, YOU KNOW YOU'RE HOOKED
YOURE HOOKED

EDGY BRITISH GUY

EDGY ROCKER GUY


YOU GAVE IT UP ON OUR FIRST DATE
OH YEAH!

EDGY BRITISH GUY

EDGY ROCKER GUY


AFTER I TOLD YOU YOU LOOKED FINE
BUT HAD TO LOSE A LITTLE WEIGHT.

50.

ONLY TEN POUNDS

EDGY BRITISH GUY

BOTH
I'M BOUND TO DISAPPOINT
I'M SURE THAT YOU'D AGREE
EDGY BRITISH GUY
I'M SNOTTY AND NEGLECTFUL
EDGY ROCKER GUY
I'M NASTY AND SELF-SERVING
BOTH
IVE GOT A GIANT PENIS
AND BABE, OOOH, BABE
The guys start to escort Casey back to
her chair at the table with Aaron.
BOTH
THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME.
OH, YEAH!

EDGY ROCKER GUY

BOTH
THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME.
THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME.
THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME!
They place Casey back down at the table
and start to head off. The concert vibe
instantly stops and the restaurant
becomes just a restaurant again. Caseys
clearly been taken by the memory of her
exes and doesnt want to see them go.
CASEY
Wait! Dont leave. You have no idea how much I miss the smell
of cigarettes and apathy...
But the bad boys are already gone.
Casey forces herself to turn back to
Aaron. She looks at him and lets out a
defeated SIGH. He comes out of his
freeze.
CASEY
So, Aaron, tell me - have you ever been arrested?
Im sorry?

AARON

51.
CASEY
Done any jail time? Ill even count juvie. Im not picky.
AARON
Nope. No jail time here. Although I did visit Alcatraz once...
CASEY
How about drugs? Ecstasy? Cocaine? Methamphetamines? Ever had
what some might label a problem?
AARON
I tried mushrooms one night in college... accidentally. Does
that count?
CASEY
What about any random piercings? Tattoos? Ill settle for henna...
AARON
Okay, Casey, I think Im a little confused. Where are all
these questions coming from?
CASEY
Look, Aaron. The thing is - you seem like a really sweet, really
put together guy... but, if Im being honest, Im normally more
attracted to bad boys.
Aaron takes a moment to process this.
Gabe quickly pops up from his table.
AARON
Okay. And I guess that means you think that Im-CASEY
-- not a bad boy. Which is totally fine! You are who you are.
Its just not normally what I go for..
Lauren now stands up at her table.
LAUREN
I cant believe youre saying this to him! Why are you saying
this to him?!
CASEY
Im sorry, Lauren. Its just how I feel...
Lauren sits back down, disappointed.
Aaron realizes in order to salvage this
date he needs to change tacts - fast.
AARON
Well, Casey, its sweet that you think that about me. But
youre actually very, very wrong.

52.

I am?

CASEY

AARON
(re: his whole look)
See - this? This whole thing is all just a cover. A lie. A
fabricated banker type character, designed to lure in a
certain kind of lady. But the real me - nothing like this.
Aaron takes off his glasses and throws
them on the table to prove his point.
CASEY
(not buying it)
Oh, I see. And the real you - hes more of a bad boy?
I would say that he is.

AARON
Aaron reaches for his beer, but misses,
since he can no longer see it on the
table. He tries to recover - but its
not smooth.

What kind of bad boy?

CASEY
Just then, Caseys cell phone RINGS.

AARON
Oh, look at that. Saved by the bell. Why dont you just go
and answer that?
CASEY
No, I think Id rather stay focused on this.
AARON
You sure. Cause I got no problem with you getting your phone.
CASEY
Yeah, see, thats what this amazing new invention called
voicemails for... Now, you were saying?
Reggie stands up from the table and
returns to the same position onstage
where he made the first phone call to
Casey.
CASEYS VOICE
(unenthused)
Hey, its Casey. Blah blah blah blah blah...
Voicemail BEEP.

53.
MUSIC CUE: BAILOUT SONG #2
REGGIE
THIS IS YOUR BAILOUT, SWEETIE
YOUR BAILOUT, HONEY
I'M CALLIN' TO BAIL YOU OUT.
AND I'M GETTING YOUR VOICEMAIL ONCE AGAIN
WHAT'S THE DEAL? I MEAN, REALLY.
CALL ME BACK BECAUSE I'M BORED
AND I'M FEELING TOTES IGNORED.
LATER, SLUT.
Reggie dramatically sits back down. We
focus back on Aaron and Casey.
AARON
... And I havent paid a single one of those parking tickets!
And Im not going to! I mean, theres probably a warrant out
for my arrest in Connecticut at this very moment! And I dont
even care. Thats how bad I am!
CASEY
And thats really sweet, but... I dont want you to be someone
youre not. So, maybe, before this date goes any further, we
should just agree that this... isnt a love connection.
(thrown)
Oh. Uhm, all right--

AARON

CASEY
Look, I think youre really nice. And Im sure theres a girl
out there whos absolutely perfect for you.
(then; definitively)
I guess what Im trying to say is... I really want to be your
friend.
MUSIC CUE: YOUR FRIEND
Casey goes into a freeze as ominous
church bells start to RING in a slow,
dirge-like fashion. BONG! BONG! BONG!
Very solemnly, the male patrons and the
waiter start singing to Aaron.
MALE PATRONS AND WAITER
YOUR FRIEND! (BONG)
YOUR FRIEND! (BONG)
SHE WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND
IT'S THE WORST THING THAT A GUY HEARS FROM A GAL.
FEMALE PATRONS
LETS JUST BE FRIENDS...

54.
MALE PATRONS AND WAITER
NO GRUNTS, NO MOANS
NO LATE NIGHT BOOTY-CALLING
YOU'RE JUST HER NEUTERED, SAD PLATONIC PAL!
MY BESTEST PAL!

FEMALE PATRONS
Aaron cuts the singers off as Casey
comes out of her freeze. The rest
quickly go back to their seats.

AARON
You really want to be my... friend?
CASEY
Yes. I really want to be your friend.
AARON
(slowly losing it)
Uh, okay. Well, thank you, Casey, for that offer. Thats
definitely something to think about. I mean - who doesnt
want more friends?! Cause, friends, you know, are really the
flowers in the garden of life. So, lets just plant that seed
of friendship and see how it-(then; needing to bail)
Im sorry. Will you excuse me for a second? Im just gonna
run to the bathroom and... try to drown myself in the urinal.
Aaron takes off. Lauren looks over at
Casey from another table.
LAUREN
So, tell me. Hows it feel being a relationship assassin?
CASEY
Please, Lauren, give it a rest.
LAUREN
I just dont get it. You claim you want what Kevin and I have.
But then when you actually find a guy who could give you all
those same things - you totally sabotage it!
CASEY
I know. I have a problem.
LAUREN
You really do. What does your therapist say about this?
A warm, friendly, sensitive-looking
man, puts on glasses and stands at
another table.

55.

Hello, Casey.

FRIENDLY THERAPIST
The friendly therapist pulls out a
chair at his table for Casey to sit at.
She reluctantly comes over and sits
down. He sits across from her, legs
crossed, and pulls out a notepad.

CASEY
(not wanting to be there)
Hello, doc. Always a pleasure.
FRIENDLY THERAPIST
So, the last time you were here, we were discussing your
inability to let people in.
CASEY
(slightly defensive)
No we werent. I dont remember that...
FRIENDLY THERAPIST
You said, and I quote - Whats the point of letting people
in if theyre only going to disappoint you in the long run.
CASEY
Okay. I think its coming back to me now.
FRIENDLY THERAPIST
Good. Now I know in the past weve talked about your fears of
getting hurt... rejected... And how this fear has prevented
you from doing many of the things you want to do in life...
CASEY
Youre referring to my photography, arent you?
FRIENDLY THERAPIST
That is one of the things on the list, yes.
You have a whole list?!

CASEY

FRIENDLY THERAPIST
So, Id like to know where this all comes from.
MUSIC CUE: BUILD ANOTHER WALL
FRIENDLY THERAPIST
Can we chat a bit about your relationship with your parents
over the years? And how you think its impacted you?
CASEY
I kinda wish we wouldnt...

56.
FRIENDLY THERAPIST
I kinda think we need to...

Fine...

CASEY
(defiant)

(sings)
MY MOM IS CRAZY
MY MOM'S A NUT
MY MOM'S UNHAPPY
BUT IF YOU ASKED, SHE'D INSIST
THAT SHE'S ANYTHING BUT.
MY MOM WILL ARGUE
OVER NOTHING AT ALL.
AND WHEN SHE HAS HER DAILY BREAKDOWN
I AM ALWAYS HER FIRST CALL
SHE BLAMES ME FOR THE PROBLEMS
THAT HER MEDS CAN'T SEEM TO FIX
SHE SAYS I MAKE POOR CHOICES
YET HER BOYFRIEND'S TWENTY-SIX...
SO I TRY TO BE STRONG
OR ELSE HOW COULD I DEAL
WITH A LIFETIME OF THE ISSUES THROWN MY WAY
TELL ME, IS IT SO WRONG
THAT I CONTINUALLY FEEL
THE NEED TO BUILD ANOTHER WALL
TO MAKE SURE THAT I'M OKAY?
Casey stops singing and starts heading
out the door.

CASEY
Okay, good session. Really flew by. Too bad our times up.
FRIENDLY THERAPIST
We still have forty-three minutes. Please, keep going...
CASEY
(annoyed)
MY DAD'S A STRANGER
ABANDONED OUR LIFE
HE MOVED TO GEORGIA
WHERE HE HAD TWO KIDS
WITH HIS STEPFORD-LIKE WIFE.
EACH YEAR AT CHRISTMAS
HE WILL SEND ME A CARD
WITH A SMILING FAMILY PHOTO
IN THEIR PICKET FENCE FRONT YARD
HIS ARM AROUND HIS DAUGHTER
AND HIS SON UPON HIS KNEE
HOW NICE THAT'S HE'S THE FATHER
THAT HE COULDN'T BE FOR ME

57.
BUT I'VE LEARNED HOW TO COPE
YES, I'VE LEARNED TO IGNORE
A CHILDHOOD THAT WAS LEFT IN DISARRAY
WHEN IT'S POINTLESS TO HOPE
YOU SIMPLY SHUT TIGHT THE DOOR
AND THEN YOU BUILD ANOTHER WALL
TO MAKE SURE THAT YOU'RE OKAY.
AND I'D LIKE TO BE DIFFERENT
I'D LIKE TO LET GO
BUT EVERY TIME I TRY TO CHANGE
MY PAST KEEPS SAYING NO
CAUSE BUILDING WALLS IS EASIER
THAN LETTING YOUR TRUE FEELINGS SHOW...
AND THATS HOW I GET BY
THATS HOW I ENDURE:
A HISTORY OF HEARTACHE ON DISPLAY
I COULD BREAK DOWN AND CRY
BUT INSTEAD I'M SECURE
BECAUSE I BUILD ANOTHER WALL...
AND I'M... OKAY.
A beat. Then:
LAUREN
Personally, I think thats just stupid. Because I had the
exact same mom and dad growing up as you did, but I didnt go
around building up walls to protect myself.
CASEY
No, you just ran right into the arms of the first guy you met
freshman year of college and never let go.
Lauren opens her mouth to offer her
rebuttal, but realizes she has none.
Casey turns her attention back to the
therapist.
CASEY
So, doc. Be honest with me. What do you think of all that?
FRIENDLY THERAPIST
I think... you should consider coming in twice a week instead
of once.
LAUREN
Thats what he said to you?!
Casey nods. The friendly therapist
takes off. She starts heading back to
her own table.

58.
LAUREN
Well, shit. This might be more complicated than I thought...
Tell me about it...

CASEY
Casey sits back down at her table. At
the same time, her and Lauren both down
the rest of their drinks. Aaron returns
to the table.

Aaaand... youre back.

CASEY

AARON
Not for long. I think Im just going to head out...
CASEY
But dinner hasnt even come yet...
AARON
Yeah, I know, friend. But, its getting kinda late, friend. And-CASEY
Okay. So, youre clearly a little mad at me right now.
AARON
No, Im not mad at you, friend. Friends dont get mad at
friends, friend. Im just in the process of adjusting to this
newly formed friend... ship. And I think Id prefer to do that
alone. Thats all.
CASEY
(indignant)
Okay, fine. Have it your way. Lets get the check then.
AARON
Great. We finally found something we can agree on!
(then; looking around)
Now, if only we could find that frickin waiter-Just then, the waiter appears before
the whole restaurant holding an old
boombox.
WAITER
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. As some of the regulars
here already know, I do a little writing and performing on
the side...
(under his breath)
Very little. Its why Ive been stuck in this rat-hole for
over twenty years...
Polite laughter from the room.

59.
WAITER
Im just kidding. There are no rats.
(a beat)
We used them all in the bolognese. But, if youd all indulge
me for just a few minutes, I thought Id share my latest
musical extravaganza with you.
(calling out)
Hit the lights, Jorge!
The lights dim in the room creating a
sense of mood lighting. But, its a
little cheesy. Almost like lighting
youd see on a cruise ship.
The waiter presses PLAY on the boombox.
MUSIC CUE: ID ORDER LOVE
WAITER
This goes out to all the lovers... and future lovers out
there...
He looks right at Aaron and Casey. They
get very self-conscious.
WAITER
Im looking at you table four...

Oh my God.

CASEY
(super embarrassed)
(Note - as he sings, he will head into
the restaurant and sing to different
tables individually. When he gets to
Casey and Aarons table, he lifts them
out of their seats and basically forces
them to slow dance along with the song.
Although neither of them really wants
to do this, they cant really get out
of it in the moment...)

WAITER
I'VE MADE MY CAREER AS A WAITER
AND MY JOB, WELL, IT NEVER GETS OLD
I'VE SEEN ROMANCES BLOOM
WILD AFFAIRS MEET THEIR DOOM
EVERY NIGHT, SOME NEW SIGHT TO BEHOLD.
YET I FIND, AS I WAIT ON MY TABLES
AND SERVE THEM THEIR BASKETS OF BREAD
I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK
AS THEY PICK OUT A DRINK
OF WHAT I WOULD ORDER INSTEAD...

60.

I'D ORDER LOVE


DELICIOUS, WELL-SEASONED AND RARE
I'D ORDER LOVE
A BIG ENOUGH PORTION TO SHARE.
BRING ME ALL OF THE HEARTACHE,
A SMALL SIDE OF WOE
THAT FLAVOR OF LONGING
THAT I LONG TO KNOW
I DON'T NEED A MENU,
JUST SOMEONE TO CARE FOR MY HEART
YES, I'D ORDER LOVE
THERE'S NO BETTER DISH TO START.
I'D ORDER LOVE
THAT'S SPICY AND STEAMING AND HOT
OH I'D ORDER LOVE
SO JUICY - IT JUST HITS THE SPOT.
I CRAVE NIGHTS FULL OF PASSION
ALL DRIZZLED WITH LUST
BREAKFAST IN BED
IS AN ABSOLUTE MUST
THEN BRING ON THE MARRIAGE,
BUT DON'T TOP IT OFF WITH DIVORCE
YES, I'D ORDER LOVE
IT'S THE VERY BEST SECOND COURSE.
I'M TIRED OF ALWAYS OBSERVING
LOVING COUPLES, ALL DREAMY AND SWEET
FOR YEARS, I'VE BEEN PATIENTLY WAITING
WHEN'S IT GONNA BE MY TIME TO EAT?
THIS LACK OF ATTENTION'S UNNERVING
I FEAR THAT I'M LOSING MY GRIP
IF CUPID KEEPS UP THIS SUBSTANDARD SERVICE
I'M SCREWING HIM OUT OF HIS TIP!
HE DON'T GET NO TIP!
I'D ORDER LOVE
APPETIZER, MAIN COURSE AND DESSERT
YES, I'D ORDER LOVE
EVEN IF IT WAS PEPPERED WITH HURT
'CAUSE AT LEAST I COULD SAVOR
THE WAY THAT IT FEELS
TO NOT EAT ALONE
FOR EACH ONE OF MY MEALS
THERE'S A LOT ON THE MENU I'D HAVE SOMETHING ELSE IF I COULD
BUT I'D ORDER LOVE
'CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING ELSE ON EARTH
THAT TASTES SO GOOD!
MMM, IT TASTES SO GOOD.
OH SO VERY GOOD.
SO GOOD, SO GOOD.

61.
The waiter finishes the song.
WAITER
Thank you, everybody. Thank you! Im here all week, folks!
The waiter takes off with his boombox.
Casey and Aaron pull apart from each
other and sit back down. A beat.
AARON
Well, that wasnt too awkward. Kinda like when my dad chaperoned
the Sock Hop in junior high and forced me to slow-dance with...
(grimacing at the thought)
... him.
Casey laughs. It kinda breaks the
tension between them.
AARON
Oh, you think thats funny? Great. Glad I could amuse you...
Maybe your new nickname for me should be Friendo, the Clown.
The waiter returns with two plates of
food.
WAITER
Here we go. One chopped salad for the lady. And one burger
for the gentleman...
AARON
Thanks. But I dont think were going to-CASEY
Okay, I think youre being a little over-dramatic now. The
foods already here. We can still have one meal together.
AARON
Fine. One very quick meal.
The waiter puts down Aarons burger.
Bon appetit.

WAITER
The waiter takes off. They both start
eating in silence for a moment, then:

AARON
So, BDS, tell me - what are we supposed to talk about now?
What do you mean?

CASEY

62.
AARON
Well, on your other blind dates, after youve destroyed their
spirits, questioned your overall attraction to them and then
let em know in no uncertain terms, that they really dont
have a snowballs chance in hell of hooking up with you what do you usually talk about next - the weather?
CASEY
All right, look - the way I see it, you have two choices
right now. You can either sit here and be angry guy for the
rest of the meal. Or - you can turn that frown upside down
and take advantage of this golden opportunity...
AARON
Uhh, which golden opportunity are we talking about exactly?
CASEY
I apologize if my blunt honesty and obvious lack of tact upset
you, Aaron. But the thing is, I know lots of single, eligible,
attractive women. And if you play your cards right, I could be
the one who sets you up with your soulmate.
A beat. Gabe cant help but perk up.
GABE
She knows lots of single women?
AARON
You know lots of single women?
CASEY
Tons of em. Theyre crawling all over this city.
GABE
Go on... Im listening...
AARON
(starting to come around)
Okay. I see where youre going with this. Maybe I am looking
at this the wrong way. I mean... we just met. Theres no
history here. If its not you and me, it could be me and--- countless others.

CASEY
Gabe excitedly mouths countless
others then turns back around.

AARON
Fine. Im game. Who do you have in mind?
CASEY
Well, that depends. Whats your type?

63.
AARON
Oh, you know. Nothing too specific, just, I dont know, maybe...
MUSIC CUE: ALLISONS THEME #2
Allison quickly jumps up from her table
behind Casey. She starts posing and
modelling and showing off her curves.
Aaron starts singing about her as he
stares at her.
AARON
FIVE FOOT FOUR WITH A CREAM COMPLEXION,
HAZEL EYES YOU GET LOST IN FOR DAYS.
Allison starts singing about herself
now, too.
ALLISON
CHESTNUT HAIR HALFWAY DOWN THE BACK,
SLENDER FIGURE WITH BREASTS THAT AMAZE.
AARON
JUST THE SLIGHTEST HINT OF A DIMPLE...
ALLISON
POUTY LIPS WITH A LILY WHITE SMILE
AARON AND ALLISON
TINY BIRTHMARK BELOW THE RIGHT SHOULDERGabe knows he has to cut this off
immediately.
GABE
- AND A MANIC-DEPRESSIVE, DEMANDING, EMASCULATING,
BALL-BUSTING BEAST FROM HELL.
This snaps Aaron out of his reverie.
GABE
Didnt I tell you to leave Allison out of this?
AARON
Yes. Youre right. Moment of weakness. Sorry. Wont happen
again.
Aaron looks back at Casey and realizes
maybe he said too much...
AARON
You know what? Forget all that. I trust you. Im not picky.
Allison and Gabe sit back down.

64.
CASEY
Okay, so do you want a nice girl who you can bring home to
Mom and Dad? Or maybe someone a bit more challenging and
rebellious but whos probably way more fun in the sack?
AARON
I think Dad would probably be thrilled with either at this
point.
And what about Mom?
Kinda hard to say.

CASEY
AARON

CASEY
(teasing)
Why? Will you always be her adorable widdle boy? And no girl
will ever be good enough for her baby?
AARON
No, its not that. Its just that-CASEY
-- she wants to keep you all for herself, huh?
AARON
(matter of fact)
My moms dead, Casey. She passed away when I was in the tenth
grade. And before that, she was so driven and career obsessed, I
hardly ever saw her...
Casey is momentarily taken aback.
CASEY
Wow. I feel like a total asshole. I had no idea. I just
assumed-AARON
That I came from a perfect, white picket fence home? I know.
I got that.
CASEY
So, how did she... I mean, do you mind talking about it?
AARON
Well, its not really first date material...
(then; realizing)
But, since we are no longer on a first date, I guess its
ripe for discussion.
What happened?

CASEY

65.
AARON
Well, she was born with a defect in one of the valves in her
heart. Most people can live with it their whole lives. But she
had a very stressful, very demanding job at her law firm which probably only made things worse. And by the time she
started showing any symptoms at all, it was pretty severe. So,
she had to go and get emergency surgery. But something went
wrong during the-- why am I telling you all this?
CASEY
Because Im a good listener. And even if you think I havent
really shown it tonight, Im really very sensitive.
(then)
So, did you even get a chance to say good-bye?
AARON
Yeah, briefly. But it was before the surgery and things were
rushed and we didnt really know what was going to happen.
But, heres the crazy part. A couple days later I was going
through my sock drawer, looking for just the perfect pair
of socks to wear to the funeral, when...
A light shines down on the bar. Theres
now a letter on top of it. Aaron notices
the letter and walks over to it.
AARON
I found a letter that she had written to me right before she
went to the hospital.
Aaron picks up the letter and opens it its as if hes reliving the memory.
MUSIC CUE: THE THINGS I NEVER SAID
AARON
I guess she thought there was a chance she might not be coming
back. So she wanted to tell me a few things before she left...
CASEY
(quietly)
What did the letter say?
AARON
IT ISN'T EASY TO EXPRESS
WHAT I FEEL INSIDE
BUT THAT SHOULDN'T COME AS A SURPRISE TO YOU
A backlit vision of AARONS MOTHER
appears behind him holding a piece of
paper and a pen. She sings along with
him as she writes the letter. She looks
at him, but he doesnt look at her.

66.
AARONS MOTHER & AARON
HAVEN'T BEEN THE PERFECT MOM
BUT PLEASE KNOW THAT I TRIED
I DID THE BEST I COULD
AND THAT'S THE BEST THAT I COULD DO.
AARONS MOTHER
NOW FACING A FUTURE THAT'S UNCERTAIN
I CANNOT SAY WHAT LIES AHEAD
BUT I WON'T GIVE UP, I'LL FACE MY FEARS
AND FIGHT BACK YEARS OF UNCRIED TEARS
AND TELL YOU ALL THE THINGS I NEVER SAID.
AARON
ALL OF THE HOURS SPENT AT WORK
CONSUMED WITH MY CAREER
AARONS MOTHER
I WOULDN'T BLAME YOU IF YOU THOUGHT I DIDN'T CARE.
AARON
GRADUATIONS THAT I MISSED
ALL THE GAMES I DIDN'T CHEER
AARONS MOTHER
I NEVER TOLD YOU THEN
BUT HOW I WANTED TO BE THERE.
AARONS MOTHER & AARON
AS THOUGHTS OF THE PAST RUN THROUGH MY MEM'RY,
THE CHOICES I'VE MADE, THE LIFE I'VE LED
AARONS MOTHER
AN OFFICE ON THE HIGHEST FLOOR
IT MEANT SO MUCH, BUT YOU MEAN MORE
AARONS MOTHER & AARON
THAT'S ONE OF MANY THINGS...
Aarons mother hands the letter to him.
He takes it and starts reading from it
without ever looking at her.
AARON
SO MUCH IN MY LIFE I TOOK FOR GRANTED
LIKE TUCKING MY CHILDREN INTO BED.
AARONS MOTHER
MY WORLD WAS ALWAYS SPINNING FAST
THEN IN AN INSTANT, YEARS HAD PASSED
AND HERE I SIT WITH SO MUCH LEFT UNSAID...
AARONS MOTHER & AARON
I'VE ALWAYS LIVED A WORLD APART

67.
AARONS MOTHER
BUT THROUGH IT ALL, YOU WERE MY HEART
AARONS MOTHER & AARON
THAT'S ONE OF MANY THINGS,
OF OH SO MANY THINGS...
...I NEVER SAID.

AARON
Aarons mother recedes into the
background. Aaron carefully puts the
letter into his jacket pocket. He
returns to the table.

AARON
I dont want to make the same mistakes my mom did, Casey. I
wont make the same mistakes she did.
CASEY
But what about this whole get-up... and all your hard work...
Sounds like youre doing the exact same thing...
AARON
No. I dont care about any of that. Its just my job - its
not... me. Im just trying to make as much money as I can now,
so I wont have to miss out on things later.
Casey is touched and isnt sure exactly
how to respond. And she doesnt need
to. Just then, her phone RINGS.
AARON
Wow. You are very popular tonight. Do you want to-CASEY
(mesmerized)
No. Not at all...
Casey continues staring at Aaron as
Reggie takes his usual place on the
stage.
CASEYS VOICE
(unenthused)
Hey, its Casey. Blah blah blah blah blah...
Voicemail BEEP.
MUSIC CUE: BAILOUT SONG #3
REGGIE
THIS IS YOUR BAILOUT, SWEETIE
YOUR BAILOUT, HONEY

68.
I'M CALLIN' TO BAIL YOU OUT.
AND YOU STILL AREN'T ANSWERIN YOUR PHONE
NOW I'M PISSED, I MEAN REALLY-(speaks)
Wait! Hold on! Stop the music! I said - STOP! I dont want to
sing anymore.
The music stops cold. Reggie still
talks into the phone.
REGGIE
Okay, seriously, bitch. Whats the deal? Cause this is like my
third unreturned phone call tonight. Which is really starting to
make me feel desperate. And Reggie doesnt do desperate.
(spiraling)
I mean, for real, Casey? One date - and youre already dumping
me for him?! Well, I just can't be taken advantage of like
this any longer. Its too painful. So, good luck to you and
your new husband. I wish you both a lifetime of happiness.
(then; change of heart)
No, I don't. I take that back. I hope you both burn in hell.
(then; worried)
Unless youre already dead. Are you dead? Oh my God, youre
totally dead and hes making a dress out of your skin at this
very moment and youre never even gonna get this voicemail!
(then; determined)
Thats it, Case. Im coming to the rescue. Now, what was the
name of that restaurant again? I know you told me... Okay, you
know what? Dont worry about it - Ill figure it out...
(finally)
Later, skank.
Reggie takes off. We go back to Casey
and Aaron.
AARON
Okay, can you stop staring at me with your mouth hung open like
that?! Youre starting to make me feel like some sort of freak.
CASEY
No, its just... Im rarely surprised by somebody. And you
totally just surprised me.
AARON
Why, cause my mom died? Cause believe me - thats nothing.
Wait till you hear about my nudist Uncle Harry and my polyamorous cousin - Dana. Now, those are some stories.
Casey laughs.
CASEY
Im surprised, Aaron... by how honest and open you just were. Most
people put walls up and... arent like that.

69.
AARON
Hey. I told you when I first walked in I was an open book. I
wasnt lying.
(then)
Hows your salad?
Good. Want a bite?

CASEY

AARON
Sure. You want a bite of this?
Casey nods. They each take a bite of
each others food.
CASEY
Mmm. Thats delicious.

AARON
Man, thats good.

AARON
Want to... maybe... do a little swapsies?
Im game if you are.

CASEY
Aaron quickly switches their two
plates. Casey laughs. As Aaron goes to
take a bite of the salad, he freezes.
Casey turns out to the audience. A
spotlight comes up, only on her.

CASEY
Okay, am I going crazy? Cause I think, maybe, Im kinda sorta
starting to dig this guy. And dont say its cause he played
the dead mom card, cause I really dont think thats it. I
mean, and believe me, Im starting to puke in my mouth as I
say this, but I actually think...
(not wanting to say it)
.... he has a good heart. And despite his obvious lack of bad
boy standing, theres a definite charm and strangely attractive
quality to him. Is it possible that I might actually be, just a
tiny little bit, in a roundabout sort of way... into him?
Aaron unfreezes and takes his bite of
food. Then:
AARON
So? Tell me. Im waiting. Is anybody springing to mind?
For... what?

CASEY

70.
AARON
To set me up with? Any lady out there matching my detailed and
rather challenging list of requirements?
Oh, right. That...

CASEY
Its clear Casey had kind of,
momentarily, forgotten about this. She
tries to get back into it - even though
she really doesnt want to set Aaron up
with anybody else.

CASEY
Yeah, uhm, let me think. Well...
(shaking it off)
... okay, theres my friend, Nina.
And whats she like?

AARON

CASEY
Actress. A little cray-cray and all over the place, has a
touch of the bi-polar in her... but really, very sweet...
AARON
Well, with a recommendation like that... Who else you got?
CASEY
Okay. Then theres Trish. Super-cute. Super-clingy. Girl finds
a guy and just holds on for dear life. Like a perky little
barnacle. But, if youre into that kind of thing...
AARON
I think Id prefer someone maybe just a bit more independent.
CASEY
Oh, wait a second, this could be good. I have this new
friend, Allison...

Allison?

(gulp)

AARON

CASEY
Yeah, she just got out of a relationship not too long ago,
but shes ready to date again.
Aarons face starts to drop.
AARON
(dreading it)
Whats her last name?

71.
CASEY
(trying to remember)
What is her last name? Allison... Allisonnnnnnn...
This is killing Aaron.
CASEY
Oh, I know! Allison Weaver.
AARON
Oh, thank God. You almost just gave me a heart attack there
for the second time tonight.
Aaron takes a deep breath and a long
sip of water.
CASEY
Why? Whats wrong? Do you know her?
AARON
No. I just thought for a minute you were gonna say someone else.
Who?
Allison...

CASEY
AARON
Gabe suddenly jumps up from his seat.

GABE
Aaron, I want you to think very carefully before you do this...

Zimmerman.

AARON
(ignoring)
Gabe crashes to the floor - defeated.

CASEY
Whos Allison Zimmerman?
Allison suddenly perks up in her seat.
ALLISON
(direct; stand-off-ish)
Yeah, Aaron. Whos Allison Zimmerman?
AARON
Oh, no one special. Just this girl who was my...
Gabe rises up on his knees behind their
table. He emphatically shakes his head
no while saying uh-uhh. Uh-uhhh.

72.

Who was your what?

CASEY
Aaron looks at Gabe one more time
defiantly, and then:

AARON
... my fiance. Allison Zimmerman was my fiance.
GABE
(to himself; frustrated)
Whats the point imagining me, if youre not going to listen
to a freakin word I say?!
Gabe sits back down angrily.
CASEY
Oh. I didnt know you were engaged. Wait - is this the ex who
was mute?
AARON
No, that would just be wishful thinking.
CASEY
So, how close were you guys to getting married?
I would say very close.

AARON

CASEY
Had you already sent out the invitations?
AARON
Oh, yeah. Wedding gifts had been bought. Band had been hired.
People had, actually, already started taking their seats...
if memory serves.
CASEY
(stunned)
She left you on your wedding day?
Aaron looks right at Allison.
AARON
No, Casey. That I could have handled. She... left me standing
there - by myself - under the chuppah.
Allison looks at Aaron and shrugs.
My bad.

ALLISON

73.

Oh my God!

CASEY

(then)
Whats a chuppah?!
AARON
Its kinda like an altar...
CASEY
Why would she do such a thing?
AARON
Im... not exactly sure. Though, when I found her, sprinting
off in the parking lot, she did say one thing to me.
Which was?

CASEY

AARON AND ALLISON


Im sorry, Aaron. But I just cant do this...
CASEY
I just cant do this? What this girls address? Im in the
mood to go cut a bitch.
AARON
Oh, come on. Im sure she had her reasons.
CASEY
Whatever her reasons - you dont do that to somebody.
(then)
How long ago did this happen?
AARON
Fourteen months. Two weeks. Three days... I mean, something
like that...
CASEY
Have you talked to her since?
AARON
No, she decided it would be better if there was no
communication between us. Or at least thats what her mother
told me when I showed up drunk to their Thanksgiving dinner.
CASEY
You realize Im hating this girl more and more by the second?
AARON
Dont. I mean, there was a lot of pressure on both of us. And-CASEY
Why are you defending her? Are you still in love with her?

74.
AARON
No! Its just... I guess I never really got any closure... And
maybe a small piece of me thought... shed change her mind and
come back.
CASEY
Well, obviously, you must have a ton of feelings about this.
I would say so...

AARON

CASEY
Okay. Heres what were going to do. Imagine Allison was
right here, right now.
What? Why?

AARON

CASEY
This is something I do with my therapist. My dad and I have
had quite a few productive conversations this way. Just go
with it for a second...
Allison gets up from her table and
heads over to Aaron.
AARON
(yeah, right)
Sorry. Not seein her.
CASEY
Cmon, work with me, Aaron! So, here she is. Standing right
in front of you. Maybe looking the way she did the last time
you saw her...
Suddenly, a veil drops down from the
ceiling. Allison catches it and puts it
on. She then grabs a small wedding
bouquet out from inside the centerpiece
on the table.
Do you see her now?

CASEY

AARON
Ive... kinda got an image of what she might look like floating
around in my head.
CASEY
Okay, good. Now, talk to her. Tell her all the things youve
been waiting fourteen months, two weeks and three days to get
off your chest... And dont hold back...

75.
Aaron stands up next to Allison. Hes
incredibly timid.
Hello, Allison.

AARON

ALLISON
Hi, Aaron... You have something you want to say to me?
MUSIC CUE: IN LOVE WITH YOU
No, I, uhh-Come on! You can do it!

AARON
CASEY

AARON
Yeah, actually. I suppose I do...
AARON
I NEVER KNEW WHAT LOVE WAS LIKE
UNTIL I SAW YOUR FACE
AND SUDDENLY, I FELT A LOVE
THAT TIME CAN NOT ERASE.
YOUR EYES SO SWEET AND PIERCING
YOUR MANNER KIND YET STRONG
THE KIND OF GIRL I COULD LOVE FOREVER
WE'D SPEND THE REST OF OUR LIVES TOGETHER
AND IN MY LIFE, I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER...
BEEN SO FUCKING WRONG!
YOU'RE A BITCH WITH NO HEART
YOU'RE A LIAR, YOU ARE SATAN
AND I HATE THE WAY YOU SNORE AT NIGHT!
ALL YOUR QUIRKS PISS ME OFF
AND I DON'T THINK I'M MISSTATIN'
YOUR COMPULSIVE NEED TO ALWAYS BE RIGHT!
YOU'RE BOSSY AND JUDGMENTAL
KIND OF TACTLESS, WHOREY TOO
AND I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU.
Aaron turns to Casey.
Too much?

AARON

CASEY
Not enough! Keep going! Im lovin this!
Aaron turns back to Allison. Casey
continues to cheer him on.

76.
AARON
I KNOW THAT ALL SEEMED KIND OF HARSH
AND THINGS WEREN'T ALWAYS BAD
IN FACT, I THINK SOME TIMES WE SHARED
WERE THE BEST THAT I'VE EVER HAD.
LIKE OUR ROAD TRIP THAT ONE SUMMER
OR THOSE STEAMY NIGHTS IN SPAIN...
YOU ALWAYS MELTED WHEN I WOULD PRAISE YOU
AND MY STUPID JOKES, THEY WOULD NEVER PHASE YOU
BUT THAT DON'T MEAN SHIT NEXT TO ALL THE WAYS YOU
DROVE ME SO INSANE!
YOU'RE A COCK-FRICKIN'-TEASE
GIRL, YOU NEVER STOP YOUR TALKING
AND AT TIMES YOU HAVE A DOUBLE CHIN
YOU MAY SAY ITS GOOD FUN
BUT YOUR RACIST RANTS ARE SHOCKING
AND YOUR LIPS DONT NEED MORE COLLAGEN
ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS HOW MUCH
SOMEONE MAKES AND WHAT THEY DO
NOT A MAN IN HIS RIGHT MIND
WOULD EVER FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.
YOU ALWAYS CRITICIZED THE CLOTHES THAT I WOULD WEAR
AND FOUND A WAY OF POINTING OUT MY THINNING HAIR -Really nice!
YOU TURNED ME VEGAN, WHICH I TOTALLY DESPISE
AND IM PRETTY SURE YOU LAUGHED
THAT TIME I SAID LETS COMPROMISE.
IF YOU WERE SHOT OR BEATEN
RUN OVER BY A TRUCK
I GUESS THAT I'D BE SAD
BUT THEN AGAIN, IT WOULDN'T SUCK...
IT WOULDNT SUCK!
SO GOODBYE, HIT THE ROAD
AS A GIRLFRIEND, YOU ARE FIRED!
FIND SOME OTHER CHUMP THAT YOU CAN FLEECE.
YEARS FROM NOW, WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND YOU'VE FINALLY EXPIRED
GIRL, I HOPE THAT YOU DON'T REST IN PEACE.
NEVER MET SOMEONE SO SELFISH
HALF THE TIME, MY BALLS WERE BLUE
AFTER ALL THAT I'VE ENDURED NOW
YOU CAN SAFELY REST ASSURED NOW
THAT YOUR EX IS UP AND CURED NOW
YEAH, I'M SO DONE BEING IN LOVE WITH YOU!
WHOA, WE'RE THROUGH!
WE'RE SO DONE, ALLISON
HONEYBUN, IT'S, LIKE, OVER
IT WAS ON, NOW IT'S GONE
AND I'VE REGAINED MY COMPOSURE
SO GOD BLESS, YOU'RE A MESS

77.
AND THAT'S WHAT I CALL CLOSURE
YEAH, I'M SO DONE BEING IN LOVE WITH YOU!
Aaron flips Allison off with both hands
defiantly.
Now how did that feel?

CASEY

AARON
Surprisingly good! Yeah, I actually feel alive! Rejuvenated!
Energized! Like a giant, soul-sucking weight has just been
lifted off my chest.
See! I told you so!

CASEY
Gabe stands and heads over to Aaron.

GABE
Ive never been so proud of you in my whole entire life.
(teary-eyed)
Its like the pupil has become the teacher...
Gabe and Aaron do a man hug. Gabe
sits as a now cocky Aaron sits back
down with Casey. Just then, the waiter
comes back to the table.
How we doing over here?
Great. Really great.

You finished?

WAITER
AARON AND CASEY

WAITER
(re: food)

Yeah, I think we are.

AARON

WAITER
Can I get you guys anything else this evening? Dessert?
Coffee? Another food-related production number?
No!

AARON AND CASEY

WAITER
Your loss. Here you go...
The waiter clears their plates and places
the bill down on the table.

78.
Aaron and Casey both look down at it and instantly go into a freeze as the
waiter and various patrons sing intently.
MUSIC CUE: THE CHECK!
PATRONS & WAITER
THE CHECK! THE CHECK!
WHO'S GOING TO PAY THE CHECK?
IT'S A MYSTERY WHERE EVERYTHING'S AT STAKE.
A GUY, A GIRL,
A BLACK FAUX LEATHER FOLDER,
A SERIES OF MISTAKES THAT YOU COULD MAKE!
MEN
SHOULD A WOMAN LEAVE AND FRESHEN UP
WOMEN
WHILE HE WHIPS OUT HIS CREDIT CARD?
EVERYONE
SHOULD THEY GO DUTCH OR NOT SO MUCH
LEST EGOS END UP SCRAPED AND SCARRED?
MEN
IT'S ALL THOSE CRAZY FEMINISTS
WHO MADE THIS SHIT SO FRIGGIN' HARD!

Hey, watch it!

(pissed)

WOMEN

EVERYONE
I'D RATHER SOMEONE WRING MY NECK
THAN WONDER WHO THE HELL IS S'POSED TO PAY THE CHECK!
The songs ends.
unfreeze.
I got this.
No, let me.

Aaron and Casey

CASEY
AARON

CASEY
Why dont we just split it?
AARON
Because Im pretty sure this is the one thing I have over all
your ex-es. So, please - just give me this...
Okay. Thank you, Aaron.

CASEY

79.
Casey removes her hand from the bill.
Aaron takes out his wallet and puts
some cash down. A beat. Then:
AARON
All right, I might just be setting myself up for some hard
core rejection right now. But at the moment Im feeling
rather empowered, so, fuck it.
(then; boldly)
I dont want to go out with any of your friends, Casey. I
want to go out with you.
Casey looks at him, impressed by his
boldness.
AARON
I think we have a good rapport, we both like Quantum Leap, in
a very brief time youve helped me with my ex drama, and
dont ask me why, but I think your particular brand of edgy
and creative could actually be good for me. And I think after
all the other guys youve been with - my particular brand of
structure and stability could actually be good for you,
too... Now, I know I might not be exactly the kind of guy
youre used to going out with. But, clearly, for some reason
that hasnt worked out in the past. So, maybe its time you
try someone different. Well, Casey, what do you say?
Casey just sits there, not knowing
exactly how to respond... A long beat.
Then, Gabe springs up from his table trying to be consoling.
GABE
All right, buddy. Good try! But I think you got your answer.
Now lets wrap this thing up. Theres a whole wide world of
internet pornography at home just begging to be explored.
AARON
Tell you what? You have my number. Why dont you call me if
youd like to hang out again. And, if not, thank you for a
very... memorable evening.
Aaron grabs his coat and leaves the
restaurant. Casey just sits there for a
moment - what did she just do? Lauren
gets up from her seat.
LAUREN
Well, Im glad you just let him go, sis. That was definitely
the right choice there. Hey - I have an idea! Why dont we
drunk-dial some of your old boyfriends when we get home so we
can have even more mistakes to regret in the morning?!
The waiter crosses over to her.

80.

Everything all right?

WAITER

CASEY
(in a daze)
Uhm, no. Not at all.
Casey grabs her coat and walks out of
the restaurant.
A confused waiter opens up the bill and
looks at the money Aaron has left. He
makes a slightly disappointed noise. He
then starts cleaning up their table. He
whistles a bit of ID ORDER LOVE as
he wipes the table down. Just then,
Caseys friend Reggie comes charging
into the restaurant in a total panic.
He frantically searches the place.
Can I help you?

WAITER

REGGIE
Yeah. Im looking for my friend: attractive. Dressed kinda
funky. Mildly abrasive. I think she told me she was meeting
some random guy here for a drink...
You just missed them.

WAITER

REGGIE
Oh my God! Oh my God! Okay - answer this - do you remember if
she was in the act of being, or had just been, chloroformed?
All right, look...

WAITER
The waiter sits Reggie down.

WAITER
All I know is that he seemed like a perfectly nice guy. So,
why dont you just take a deep breath and try to calm down.
Reggie starts taking some deep breaths.
REGGIE
Deep breaths. Thats a good idea. I guess I get a little
worked up some times. People tell me I tend to have a very
over-active imagination.
WAITER
(off-hand)
Dont we all...

81.

You do, too?

REGGIE

WAITER
Who, me? Oh, uh, sure. Im always dreamin up something. A
new recipe. Some useless invention. I even write some songs
and a little love poetry on the side...
Really?

REGGIE

(still deep breathing)


Can I hear some?
WAITER
Well, you already missed tonights musical ditty, but... Ive
got like a whole notebook full of rhymes and what-not in the
back. Let me go get it.
The waiter starts to head off. Reggie
calls out to him.
Miss you already!

REGGIE
Just then, REGGIES MOM pops up from
another table. (Note: This is not a
patron, but clearly a character in
Reggies head...)

REGGIES MOM
Another waiter, honey? Really? Hadnt we decided on our
mother-son spa weekend to aim higher.
REGGIE
Im sorry, Mom. Theyre my Kryptonite. What do you want from
me?!
A HANDSOME, TOUGH GUY-looking patron
with a moustache pops up from another
table, stopping the waiter from getting
to the kitchen. (Again, this character
is all part of the Waiters
imagination.)
TOUGH GUY
(hurt; to waiter)
Are you freakin kidding me right now? Youre gonna read him some of
your poetry? When those words were clearly meant for me?!
Get over it, Gilberto.

WAITER
And with that, the restaurant recedes
into the background.

82.
Bringing us back to the New York
skyline set that opened the show. Aaron
walks alone through the city. Casey
calls out as she races up to him.
CASEY
Hi. Remember me? I was the girl who just let you walk out a
few minutes ago without even saying good bye.
AARON
Sounds vaguely familiar.
Right. Well, here I am.

CASEY

AARON
Are you lost? Did I... leave something at the restaurant? I
mean, besides my dignity...
CASEY
No, actually I just thought maybe you could... walk me home?
I mean - if you want. No pressure...
Aaron smiles, trying to hide his
excitement.
AARON
I guess I could handle that... as long as you dont live in,
like, Hoboken or something.
CASEY
No, its just a few blocks.
In that case...

AARON
Aaron does a couple quick leg
stretches.

Okay. Now Im ready...

AARON
Casey laughs.
MUSIC CUE: SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST
As they start walking together, they
both sing. Each in their own heads.

CASEY
WHEN YOU'RE STANDING AT THE START
OF SOMETHING THAT IS NEW
IT'S A CHANCE TO MAKE A CHANGE
TRY A DIFFERENT POINT OF VIEW

83.
WHEN YOU MAY HAVE FOUND THE SOMEONE
WHO MAKES YOU BETTER THAN YOU ARE
YOU'D BE A JERK TO RUN AWAY
SO YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH AND STAY...
AARON
WHEN THE PERSON BY YOUR SIDE
IS NOT WHO YOU HAD PLANNED
BUT YOU FEEL THE SUDDEN URGE
TO TAKE A CHANCE AND HOLD HER HAND
AND YOU YEARN FOR LETTING GO OF
ALL THE BAGGAGE IN YOUR PAST
IF YOU DON'T TRY, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW
JUST HOW FAR THIS THING MIGHT GO...
BOTH
WE COULD MAKE IT TO TOMORROW
OR A HUNDRED YEARS FROM HERE
CASEY
WE COULD FALL FLAT ON OUR FACES
OR FALL MORE IN LOVE EACH YEAR.
AARON
WITH SO LITTLE TO BE SURE OF
CASEY
POSSIBILITIES ARE VAST
BOTH
THIS MAY BE ONE PERFECT MOMENT
OR MAYBE THIS IS SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST.
They stop in front of a door simulating
Caseys apartment building.
CASEY
Well, this is my place...
Ahh - yes. So it is...

AARON
They both stand there for a moment.
Its one of those end of the first
date, are we going to kiss? moments.
Aaron looks up at the brownstone to
break the tension.

AARON
Nice building. Excellent... structural... engineering... with
the-Just then, Gabe appears on the stage.

84.
GABE
Quit stalling and tap that shit already.
AARON
-- columns. And bricks...
CASEY
Thank you. I designed it all myself...
Just then Lauren appears on stage.
LAUREN
Okay. You are going to give him one kiss - on the cheek - but
thats it. V-town is closed to the public tonight. Got it?
The two just stand there - waiting to
see if either will make a move.
Suddenly, Allison appears on stage.
ALLISON
You are so not ready to take things to the next level with
this girl. What you really need to do is continue waiting for
me...
The Edgy British Guy also appears on
stage.
EDGY BRITISH GUY
And this is why it can never work out with you two, love. We
would have already been snogging by now...
The Friendly Therapist also appears on
stage.
FRIENDLY THERAPIST
All this inner turmoil youre feeling right now - its going
to give us a ton of new fodder for therapy on Tuesday.
Aaron decides NOT to kiss her.
AARON
All right. Good night, Casey.
CASEY
(slightly disappointed)
Good night, Aaron.
As Aaron walks away, he stops himself.
AARON
WHEN YOU FEEL THAT SUDDEN SPARK
THATS BEEN GONE SINCE WHO KNOWS WHEN
GOTTA SET YOUR FEARS ASIDE
AND ATTEMPT TO TRY AGAIN

85.
GABE
Yes. For the love of God. Try again!
CASEY
I COULD CLAIM THAT I'M NOT READY
THAT THIS WHOLE THING SEEMS TOO REAL
BUT IVE PLAYED THAT GAME BEFORE
I DONT WANT TO ANYMORE...
LAUREN
Thats right, Casey! Time to finally grow up and let a good
guy in.
Aaron walks away. And yet...
BOTH
WE COULD MAKE IT TO TOMORROW
OR BEGIN A LIFELONG RIDE
AARON
WE COULD SAY GOODBYE FOREVER
CASEY
OR WATCH YEARS PASS SIDE BY SIDE
AARON
ALL THE BURDENS THAT WE CARRY
CASEY
NEED TO LET THEM GO AND FAST
BOTH
SO THERES NOT ONE PERFECT MOMENT...
Out of nowhere, Aaron rushes back to
Casey, grabs her and gives her a real
kiss. All of the voices in their heads
watch on - none prouder than Gabe and
Lauren. (And none more upset than
Allison). After a moment, they pull
away, both surprised by the connection.
They start to sing again - continuing
the thought from before.
BOTH
BUT RATHER THERE IS SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST...
I AM THROUGH WITH HOLDING ON
I WON'T LET MISTAKES AND MEM'RIES
GET THE BEST OF ME.
The voices in their heads start fading
away one by one.

86.
BOTH
OH WHOA
THOUGH MY DOUBTS ARE FAR FROM GONE
I WILL LEAP INTO THE FUTURE
AND JUST WAIT AND SEE...
All the baggage is now gone. (Gabe and
Lauren are the last two to leave...)
Casey and Aaron now sing to each other alone on stage.
BOTH
IF WE MAKE IT TO TOMORROW
IF WE STAND THE TEST OF TIME
OR THE WIND'S TOO STRONG AGAINST US
AND WE CAN'T QUITE MAKE THE CLIMB.
ALL I KNOW IS, IN THIS MOMENT,
MY PAST IS JUST MY PAST
RIGHT NOW I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER
IF THIS COULD BE THE SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST...
AARON
Okay, bye. I mean it this time - bye.
Bye.

CASEY
He puts out his hand to shake. She
shakes it and then turns it into the
fist bump that explodes backward. They
laugh and start to walk off in opposite
directions.

BOTH
(to themselves)
RIGHT NOW I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER
IF THIS COULD BE THE SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST.
They look back at each other one last
time. Aaron heads offstage and Casey
heads into her apartment building as
the music ends and we FADE TO BLACK.

85.
GABE
Yes. For the love of God. Try again!
CASEY
I COULD CLAIM THAT I'M NOT READY
THAT THIS WHOLE THING SEEMS TOO REAL
BUT IVE PLAYED THAT GAME BEFORE
I DONT WANT TO ANYMORE...
LAUREN
Thats right, Casey! Time to finally grow up and let a good
guy in.
Aaron walks away. And yet...
BOTH
WE COULD MAKE IT TO TOMORROW
OR BEGIN A LIFELONG RIDE
AARON
WE COULD SAY GOODBYE FOREVER
CASEY
OR WATCH YEARS PASS SIDE BY SIDE
AARON
ALL THE BURDENS THAT WE CARRY
CASEY
NEED TO LET THEM GO AND FAST
BOTH
SO THERES NOT ONE PERFECT MOMENT...
Out of nowhere, Aaron rushes back to
Casey, grabs her and gives her a real
kiss. All of the voices in their heads
watch on - none prouder than Gabe and
Lauren. (And none more upset than
Allison). After a moment, they pull
away, both surprised by the connection.
They start to sing again - continuing
the thought from before.
BOTH
BUT RATHER THERE IS SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST...
I AM THROUGH WITH HOLDING ON
I WON'T LET MISTAKES AND MEM'RIES
GET THE BEST OF ME.
The voices in their heads start fading
away one by one.

86.
BOTH
OH WHOA
THOUGH MY DOUBTS ARE FAR FROM GONE
I WILL LEAP INTO THE FUTURE
AND JUST WAIT AND SEE...
All the baggage is now gone. (Gabe and
Lauren are the last two to leave...)
Casey and Aaron now sing to each other alone on stage.
BOTH
IF WE MAKE IT TO TOMORROW
IF WE STAND THE TEST OF TIME
OR THE WIND'S TOO STRONG AGAINST US
AND WE CAN'T QUITE MAKE THE CLIMB.
ALL I KNOW IS, IN THIS MOMENT,
MY PAST IS JUST MY PAST
RIGHT NOW I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER
IF THIS COULD BE THE SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST...
AARON
Okay, bye. I mean it this time - bye.
Bye.

CASEY
He puts out his hand to shake. She
shakes it and then turns it into the
fist bump that explodes backward. They
laugh and start to walk off in opposite
directions.

BOTH
(to themselves)
RIGHT NOW I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER
IF THIS COULD BE THE SOMETHING THAT WILL LAST.
They look back at each other one last
time. Aaron heads offstage and Casey
heads into her apartment building as
the music ends and we FADE TO BLACK.