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Snoop Doggs Phrenology: The 27 Zones

ed like to say that California rapper Snoop Dogg


performs at Lincoln Theatre Wednesday, May 13. And
while its true that Snoop still raps (he remains
an ace freestyler), whens the last time you thought of
ith
him as just that, just a rapper? Actor, endorser, coach,
iff
gr
r
blazer: Hes not just that dude from the LBC anymore. Thing is, after a decade of questionable
decisions that include endorsing something
called Chronic Candy and recording with
Willie Nelson, Snoop remains an entertainer, a cult of personality beloved
enough to charge $40-$45 for a 9
p.m. show just off, uhh, Bl(o)unt
Street in Raleigh. Below, we take
a look at the brain thats driven
him since he and Dre unveiled
Doggystyle in 1993.
sp
en
ce

18: Snoopy Smut: Snoop Marketing Coup No. 5,678:


Hustlers Snoop Doggs Doggystyle. We imagine at least
two porn execs offed themselves for not thinking of it
first. Snoop subsequently called himself Snoop
Scorsese. Cant make stuff like that up.

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19: Flattop: Before Snoop Dogg could


afford a personal haidresser, this was
the best that PetSmart could do.

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t

by g
ray
son

20: Dookie Braids: As a tribute


to Old Dirty Bastards song
Dogshit. Snoop and ODBs
friendship was the inspiration for this multi-leveled
ponytailed do.
21: Special Occasion
Hair: Blowout Afro &
Temporary Perm: The
blowout is for when
Snoops brain is fried;
the perm, for when hes
baked.

1: Pot Brownies:
Sometimes even Snoopy
needs a snack, yall. Get fed
and get high? Fo fuckin
shizzle.

22: Cornrows: All


roads lead back to
Snoop Doggs famously
coined biatch[es]. How
does he refer to those who
braid his hair? Or is it an
automated process by now?
Judy Jetson?

2: Joints: When Snoop is


trying to ease his intake,
these little things are to him
what nicotine patches are to
smokers.
3: Blunts: As TMZ.com
reported, Snoop Dogg once
used a listening party for his
album The Blue Carpet Treatment
to promote his new blunt wraps. He
also held up a blunt to the mouth of an
Obama T-shirt. And he burned a blunt
with Rolling Stone. The examples puff on ...
ad nauseam.
4: Bongs: After smoking, the Doggy sometimes
needs a drink, and only bongwater will do.
5: Bowls: White kids get backstagewhite kids
in cargo shorts: Brah, Snoop, I love you, man.
6: THC Travel: Busted in Stockholmsurely on
his way to or from the Netherlandsfor smelling like ganja. Sure thats not just Eau de Snoop?
7: Country Music in Amsterdam: Rumor!
Sparks flew when Snoop recorded the country, slide-guitar, Everlast-produced (?!?!) joint
My Medicine with Willie Nelson. Did The
Gourds cover it yet?
8: Bangin: Snoops divorce from Death Row
Records might actually be symbolic for him
escaping death row in his bangin days.
9: Reppin: Medical records indicate years of
blunt-rolling left Snoop with arthritis, and his
fingers are permanently stuck in the Crips
gang sign.

10: Flaggin:
Snoop would probably never surrender his blue
Crips rag even if someone made him King of
Amsterdam. Also, he once sported a suit made
of blue handkerchief print.

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14: Life After Death Row: Snoop survived


life on Death Row Records and even found
a career afterward. That didnt happen for
everyone

11: Inhibition: Snoop quit puffing when he realized the fathers of the football team he coached
might not approve: I did it for two or three
months, he told a reporter of his hiatus, presumably too high to remember the actual term.

15: Secret Stash Brain Box: Bottom line,


Snoops got a pretty extensive rap sheet. But
do cops ever search brains for weed? No, not
until now This shit is real sticky, yall.

12: G-Funk: Warren G, Nate Dogg and Snoop


were the G-funk triumvirate. Now, its all about
ganja, gangstas and Snoops new god, Allah.

16: Izzle Speak: Brokizzle thizzle rulizzles ofizzle


Englishizzle languagizzle. Speaking of getting old
fast, why does Snoop carry an umbrella?

13: Snoop, Cinematic Caricature: You mean


Huggy Bear (Starsky & Hutch) wasnt self-parody?
Also voiced streetwise rat next to rapping Jamie
Kennedy in Malibus Most Wanted and hound dog
alongside rapping David Spade in Racing Stripes.

17: Snoop, The Thespian: Star and soundtrack


man for Bones. Dank role in Training Day, too.
News from Hollywood: Working with Coen
Brothers on films called O Bowl, Where Art
Thou? and Breathe After Passing.

23: That Sweet-ass Pimp


Style: Borrowing tips from iconic
pimps like Huggy Bear, Goldie
and Bishop Don Magic Juan made
Snoops style impeccable. Walking out on
an award-show stage with two women on
dog leashes? Kibbles and Bits for feminists.
24: Committed Father & Football Coach:
Players mom wouldnt let her son listen to
Snoops music, but Coach DoggVisine in
handclaimed to give the team vision.
25: Faithful Husband: Told Rolling Stone
that, in 2004 after filing for divorce, he
stopped pimping prostitutes to spend
more time with his wife and kids. Aint love
grand, biatch?
26: ESnooPN: Chilled with Louisiana State
University coach Les Miles at a Rotary Club;
coached football; sporadic and recent ESPN
contributor. Might watching Major League
Baseball while toking be the new stoner metal?
27: Endorsement Love: Pet accessories, malt
liquor, action figures, shoes, the infamous and
banned Chronic Candy. Possible milliondollar idea: Snoop Doggshitactual canine
feces with the rappers distinctive profile on
the box. x

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