Professional Documents
Culture Documents
By
James
Watson
Author of Banned! Tom Paine, This Was Your Life,
Gotcha! Wars-R-Us.Com and Out Damned Spot!
Was there really an outlaw who robbed the rich and gave to
the poor; who made captive bishops dance for their
supper; who was a master of disguise?
Location, location?
There have been plenty of efforts on the part of historians
to ‘nail’ a verifiable Robin, conjecturing answers to the
questions, when might he have lived (in the reigns of
Edward 11 or Richard 1?), where exactly did he ‘hang out’
(Nottingham’s Sherwood or Yorkshire’s Barnsdale?) and
what became of him and his outlaw companions, Will
Scarlett, Little John, Friar Tuck, Alan-a-Dale or Much the
Miller’s son?
Jim Holt, my old professor of medieval history at
Nottingham University years and years ago, wrote one of
the best and most readable books on the outlaw of
Sherwood. The Observer newspaper called Robin Hood,
published by Thames and Hudson, ‘the last word on Robin
Hood…’ There will, of course, never be a last word; but few
will have explored the possible historical background to
Robin (or to the many Robins he unearths) as Professor
Holt.
A quiverful of possibilities
The author takes us through a fascinating
journey of exploration, of detective work,
but concludes, and makes it plain in his
Prologue to the book’s 2nd edition, ‘He
cannot be identified. There is a quiverful
of possible Robin Hoods. Even the
likeliest is little better than a shot in the gloaming’.
But what Jim Holt makes clear is that ‘the identity of the
man matters less than the persistence of the legend’, and
that ‘is the most remarkable thing about him’.
JW
Characters in order of appearance
MARIAN: Off. You will need that and more, My Lord, if you
are to stalk Robin Hood in his lair.
Scene 2
Sherwood Forest, darkness, ethereal and haunting music. A
single spotlight falls on ALAN-A-DALE as he steps towards
the front of the stage, strumming his lute. He gazes out into
the audience. The music fades.
But John has weathered the attack, got back to his feet, yet
is driven towards the bridge.
ROBIN: Not bad for a mouse, eh? – not bad for a rat or a
hedgehog.
John counters hard, drives Robin away from the bridge only
for Robin to hold his ground and force John back on to the
bridge.
For a moment Robin glances away from his fight and this is
his undoing. He receives a hard clout from John which hurls
him off the bridge. The music fades.
The outlaws cheer and raise their staffs as the scene fades.
Scene 3
A very distant bell strikes three in Sherwood. An owl shrieks.
The outlaws are asleep in varying positions. There is a mist
that almost conceals them. Slow, haunting music sets the
mood. WILL SCARLETT is restively sleeping on the steps
leading into the auditorium. Towards the front of the stage
is a fallen tree, an oak, on which ROBIN is sitting, facing
outwards, in a pale spotlight. He stands, steps slowly
between his comrades on stage; sadly shaking his head.
The remainder of the outlaws now leap up, stare out, swords
at the ready.
The scene freezes. The lights dim. Slowly the outlaws exit.
ALAN takes ELEANOR’S arm and retreats with her to the rear
of the stage, where they embrace; leaving ROBIN and
MARIAN alone, centre stage. Music: quietly romantic.
Scene 4
Nottingham Castle, a well-appointed room. PRINCE JOHN
appears in a single spotlight. In this soliloquy he stares out
at the audience. Music, low in the background.
PRINCE JOHN: Lightly. I say to myself in the shaving mirror
each morning, to my many faces – Prince John they call
Lackland, Ginger Johnny, John the Miserly, John the
Miserable, John the Callous, John the Conniving, the
creeping, crawling thing ever in the shadows… I say, is it so
unnatural to detest your dear brother?
Dear brother…In these parts, it’s this Robin Hood who solely
obstructs my gaining your release. He robs us all, kills your
deer so that there is scarce a slice of venison to be had
between Blyth and Barnsdale. Meanwhile, I am here in the
godforsaken midlands, among the nerds of Nottingham, for
what taxes have escaped the villain of Sherwood.
He senses he is not alone, turns, sees LADY REINAULT
approach from the shadows and curtsy. My Lady Reinault,
what a de-licious surprise!
LADY REINAULT: My Lord, you sent for me.
The spotlight widens to include the Sheriff’s wife.
PRINCE JOHN: Merely to express my gratitude for the
warmth and generosity of my welcome here in noble
Nottingham, My Lady.
LADY R: Cursties again. Your wish is my command, My
Lord.
PRINCE JOHN: He advances, takes her hand, raises it to
his lips. The Sheriff, your husband, is ridden to Sherwood?
LADY REINAULT: Indeed, My Lord, with Baron Beleme, and
Abbot Hugo’s steward, Sir Guy of Gisborne.
PRINCE JOHN: To rid the world of this pestilent outlaw who
has emptied the forest of my beloved brother’s deer.
LADY REINAULT: He is a mighty miscreant, Sire, a slippery
scoundrel. But Sir Guy will bring him down, to be sure.
PRINCE JOHN: Then we shall eat venison once more.
LADY REINAULT: All that you could ever desire…Majesty.
PRINCE JOHN: Majesty? Takes her hand, kisses it. Do you
forget that majesty still rests with my brother Richard, who
is fit and well and still sits sturdily on the throne?
LADY R: There is an old fortune teller from Newark, Majesty,
who has read in the ashes of destiny that King Richard,
besieging a castle somewhere in France, will fall to the bolt
of a crossbow.
PRINCE JOHN: Indeed! Perhaps a little excursion to
Newark might be good for our health, My Lady. Jovially. But
what nonsense these fortune-tellers talk. He puts an arm
around Lady Reinault’s waist and begins to lead her off
stage. A mere crossbow bring down the invincible Lionheart?
One would as soon believe that pigs might fly! As they make
to exit, heads touching, the music returns.
PRINCE JOHN: Pausing, staring towards the source of the
music. Snaps. What did I say? The music ceases. Play any
more of those lemon curds, mateys, and you’ll be floating
down the Trent minus your ears! Graciously to Lady
Reinault. Now where were we? Ah yes – your wish and my
command!
Their dalliance is interrupted by a trumpet-call, the clink of
armour and the arrival of the SHERIFF, BELEME and
ABBOT HUGO, in celebratory mood.
SHERIFF: Sire!
BELEME: My Lord!
HUGO: Excellency!
PRINCE JOHN: Don’t all speak at once, gentleman. I see
you grinning like chickens that have escaped the chopper.
What news?
SHERIFF: Victory, My Lord! To his wife. Drinks, my dear!
Lady Reinault retires.
HUGO: A triumph, My Lord Prince!
BELEME: Highness, the outlaws of Robin Hood are driven
out of their lair.
SHERIFF: Once and for ever, Sire.
HUGO: Many dead.
PRINCE JOHN: You were at the scene, My Lord Sheriff?
SHERIFF: Our news is of reliable report.
PRINCE JOHN: Then Robin Hood is taken? Bring him before
me.
HUGO: Sire, it is likely that the leader of the outlaws died in
the battle.
PRINCE JOHN: And his body? Does that still lie in the
forest?
BELEME: His right-hand man, Highness –
SHERIFF: Little John himself – is taken. But not before he
cut down a dozen of my best men.
HUGO: A monster! While the cur of Sherwood murdered my
man, Sir Guy of Gisborne.
BELEME: Stabbed him in the back, My Lord.
PRINCE JOHN: Does not believe him. Whatever! Shrugs.
Gisborne stank. He did not so much bite his fingernails, he
gnawed them. A disgusting habit, like my dear brother
chewing his moustache. You are well rid of him, Lord Abbot.
To the Sheriff. You claim victory, Sheriff Reinault?
SHERIFF: Sherwood is ours once more, My Lord.
PRINCE JOHN: Yours?
SHERIFF: The King’s, Sire. Our conquest was awesome.
PRINCE JOHN: You have the bodies of the outlaws, the
corpses – the evidence?
SHERIFF: Uncomfortably. Many were left in the forest, My
Lord.
BELEME: Too bloodied.
PRINCE JOHN: Too many women and children, perhaps.
SHERIFF: Sire, it was never our intention –
HUGO: Sometimes the innocent have to pay the price of the
guilty, Sire.
PRINCE JOHN: Thank you for that philosophical
observation, My Lord Abbot. But I am talking outlaws. Show
me them! Ah, I seem to have missed them: there they are,
lying at my feet.
Prince John Mockingly he pretends to identify bodies.
PRINCE JOHN (Cont.): Now don’t tell me, this mangled
heap must be the notorious Will Scarlett, the thinking
woman’s favourite outlaw.
He kicks the corpse. And this…He raises his foot to suggest
a corpulent corpse. Is the hilarious joker Friar Tuck who has
had more hot venison dinners than I have had of late. He
stops, raises his hands as if in celebration. While this
porcupine of arrows, could it be…He stares closely. The king
of the outlaws himself? Straightens up, turns to the Sheriff.
Here, Sheriff, my eyes have become misty with your
awesome victory. Tell me, is this the corpse of the bandit of
Sherwood?
SHERIFF: Sire, I cannot quite see –
PRINCE JOHN: The terrorist? He is everywhere, yet you
cannot see him. What a pity. Perhaps the villain slipped
under a table. Pretends to look under a table. Robin Hood,
are you there, or still defiant, helping yourself to the wealth
of my brother’s kingdom, shortly to be mine if the seer of
Newark is to be believed? No weapons, no body. He stares at
his three visitors. Gentlemen, I am impressed!
SHERIFF: Hastily, glancing at his colleagues. We have it on
good report, Sire, that Robin Hood was struck down by a
crossbow. I have witnesses waiting below.
PRINCE JOHN: Nodding, calmer now. Gentlemen, your
mistake was attacking the enemy on his own ground. Such
ventures always end in disaster.
BELEME: What do you suggest, Sire?
SHERIFF: To Beleme and Hugo. I sense his majesty has a
cunning plan.
PRINCE JOHN: You have Little John in Evil Hold, Beleme?
BELEME: He will be executed at dawn, unless he dies of his
wounds.
PRINCE JOHN: No, spare him, and go easy on the
thumbscrews.
LADY REINAULT returns with a tray bearing four goblets.
LADY REINAULT: Our last flagon, Sire, the outlaws
ambushed the last shipment.
Then men take their glasses; Lady Reinault bows, cursies
and leaves.
PRINCE JOHN: Gentlemen, I have three sprats in mind to
hook our mackerel, that is if Robin Hood is still alive, which I
am certain he is… heroes don’t get knocked off in the middle
of stories.
HUGO: The villain is known to be true to his friends, Sire. My
theory is that he will try to rescue Little John.
PRINCE JOHN: Exactly. Triple your guard, Beleme, but let it
be easy for the villain to gain entry to Evil Hold. Then let the
doors shut with the swiftness of a shark’s jaws.
BELEME: I will feast on his liver, My Lord.
SHERIFF: And the second prat, Majesty?
PRINCE JOHN: Your niece, Abbot Hugo.
HUGO: Sire, I fail to see –
PRINCE JOHN: The Lady Marian is a great beauty, is she
not? She’d be the heroine in any story.
BELEME: Betrothed to me, My Lord.
PRINCE JOHN: Willingly? Look yourself in the mirror,
Beleme. My advice is, seize the lady before the cheesecake
charmer snatches her from under your nose.
PRINCE JOHN: How do I know of these things? He taps his
own nose. Forests have ears, Gentlemen.
SHERIFF: Nodding. Hood is known for his gallantry.
HUGO: I get your drift, Sire. And the third sprat to catch our
mackerel?
PRINCE JOHN: The final sprat, gentlemen is the outlaw’s
vanity. No power in the world will prevent Robin Hood
contending for The Silver Arrow at the Grand Tournament.
SHERIFF: Nottingham will be at the ready, Sire.
PRINCE JOHN: No. Too many sewers, too many slums to
hide in, should one jack-rabbit of his gang escape. To
Beleme. Evil Hold is but a spit and a stride from Sherwood,
am I not right, My Lord? Then the Tournament will take place
on Beleme Meadows. The fresh air could do us all good.
HUGO: And what better venue, Sire, for the completion of
the nuptials between my ward, Lady Marian, and His
Lordship?
PRINCE JOHN: At which time the fortune of Lady Marian’s
father, deceased, will pass in to safe hands, eh, Beleme?
Lights fade.
Scene 5
The ante-room of the dungeons of Evil Hold. The JAILER sits
at a table, his head resting on his hands and between two
lighted candles. Keys to the dungeon lie next to an empty
jug of wine. On a rear wall, there is an array of chains and
steel tools used for the torture of prisoners. The entrance to
the dungeon, stage right, is denoted by a lighted torch
lodged on a metal stand. At stage left are steps leading
upwards into the wings.
ROGER: How many times have I told you not to call me ‘Sir
Rog’. Rog-er – what is it?
JAILER: Rog-er.
ROGER: Again.
JAILER: Rog-er. But Sir Rog, I were just.
ROGER: Bellowing. Rog-ER! He casts the Jailer across the
floor, dusting himself down as if suddenly invaded by fleas.
You want to be hanged along with the outlaw Little John?
Confound you, did not Lord Beleme warn everybody to be on
red alert?
JAILER: Aye, Sir. To be on our guard, that’s so, but I ain’t
had no relief since yesterday nightfall.
ROGER: Relief? Your only relief will be a rope round your
neck, you lazy ox. Open up.
JAILER: Aye, Sir. He stands, also dusts himself down. All’s
in order. He takes the keys from table, steps almost into the
wings, unlocks the dungeon door which is out of sight of the
audience. Roger takes the torch from its stand, and enters
the dungeon. The jailer looks out at the audience, nods in
Roger’s direction.
JAILER (Cont.): Creep! To the audience. Roge is all the
sillybules ’e deserves. Shrugs. This eight foot outlaw’s sure
got’em fussin’, but there’ll be no strength left i’the rogue, not
after Old One Eye’s been at ’im tomorra. Pauses, steps
closer to the audience as if sharing a secret. And there’s the
other, the old gent, starved till a skeleton wouldn’t recognise
’im. Got spirit, tho’, I’ll grant him that. From off stage comes
the sound of a whip and a cry of pain.
JAILER: Nodding. This Rog-er is worse’n ’is master. He
listens. They say the poor soul down there was a knight
once, owned property. Can’t remember nothin’, though – not
’is name, not where ’e’s from…’cept one thing: ’e got a kid, a
girl… My child! ’e says, My child! An’e weeps a bucketful fer
’is loss. Right touchin’, it is.
ROGER: Returning from the cell, pulling the door to behind
him, placing the torch back on the stand. See that the outlaw
is gagged as well as chained.
JAILER: On account of ’im getting’ pally wi’the old man,
y’mean?
ROGER: It’s not your business to ask Why, What or
Whenever, Jailer. Just do it!
JAILER: Sire. Makes to do Roger’s bidding.
ROGER: Wait. There’s more. I want you eagle-eyed. Fail me
and you’ll be no-eyed. On My Lord’s business, I hasten this
instant to the abbey at Kirklees, with an armed guard.
JAILER: Alarmed. An’ leave me on me tod, Sire?
ROGER: The castle is impregnable.
JAILER: Aye, but is it secure? I mean, that Robin ’ood, they
say ’e’s in cahoots wi’the Green Man, an’ can turn into a
raven or a bat, that he can walk invisybule through walls.
ROGER: Evil Hold is proof against ravens and bats, Jailer,
and the stupidity of tittle-tattles who think Sherwood’s full of
trolls and sprites. He steps towards the table with the
intention of pouring himself wine from the job.
JAILER: It’s empty, Sire –
ROGER: The fairies been at it, have they? – then if you don’t
want a goblin up your rectum, see that the wench fills it for
my return.
He ejects the Jailer from his chair. Robin and Will ease Little
John into it. Robin returns the torch to its stand.
Scene fades.
Scene 7
Darkness, ALAN-A-DALE in a spotlight. Music, a soft
accompaniment.
ALAN: Was there ever such ill-luck? Eleanor, my heart, my
soul, my destiny, my… gone with Marian, escorted to Evil
Hold. Robin in a rage of grief that matches my own, for have
we not the good Sir Robert, who was dead but now lives,
safe at last, his frail arms yearning to embrace his child? I
fear the Green Man no longer looks with favour upon the
outlaws of Sherwood.
John takes her hand, kisses it. The main stage lights fade so
that attention is focused on John’s exchanges with Marian
and Eleanor.
Roger exits stage left and returns with the Silver Arrow on a
silken cushion. He presents it to Prince John who raises the
silver arrow to gasps from the crowd.
Scene 9
Still in darkness.
ROGER: Round one – weapons at the ready.
LOFTY: Targets in place, Sire.
SHORTY: One o’them’s wobbly, Sir Rog.
ROGER: Don’t call me Rog! Use your wits, man, prop it up
with something.
ROGER: Contestants, step to the line on my command.
SHORTY: I can’t find nothin’, Sir Rog.
ROGER: Then prop it up with your hands. From Shorty there
is a mumbling protest. What did you say?
LOFTY: He don’t want to get shafted, Sire.
BELEME: Shouting. Do it, Shorty, or you’ll be a head shorter
by nightfall.
ROGER: Gentlemen, to the victor the spoils!
We hear the flight of arrows, some striking the targets.
LOFTY: Hit a pigeon, Mi Lord!
ROGER: Disqualified.
The arrows continue to fly.
SHORTY: Two pigeons.
LOFTY: No, it were a barn own.
SHORTY: Hey, that one put a partin’ in me ‘air!
The flight of arrows quickens.
LOFTY: That old man’s sharper ‘n Rooney [or any other
famous striker of his day].
CROWD: Cheers.
The stage lights dim and Alan appears once more in the
spotlight.
Scene 10
The boot is on the other foot now, eh, Robin Hood? What’s
the deal, outlaw – your life for that of your lady fair?
Addressing the audience. Here ends the fairy tale of Robin
Hood. The troubadours will have to re-write their shooting
scripts, tinker with their titillating tales. To Robin. We’ll shake
the golden apples from the tree of legend, villain, and the
world will see you as you really are – a petty thief fit only for
the hangman’s noose. The game is up! Beleme, arrest the
whole stinking lot of them.
BELEME: It will be my pleasure, Excellency. He pushes away
Much’s dagger. To the outlaws. Drop your weapons. They
lower them slowly, reluctantly to the ground.
SHERIFF: Good grief, Sire. He points into the wings. My
brother Hugo back from the dead!
MARIAN: Father!
SIR ROBERT: Little Goose!
MARIAN: Is this a dream?
AGNES: Not a bit of it, Marian. Your Dad’s as tough as old
boots. And he’s just beat me at backgammon.
PRIORESS: ‘Beaten’. Agnes, not ‘ beat’.
The battle freezes as all the combatants look to see who has
triumphed, ROBIN or BELEME. A cheer goes up as ROBIN
returns.
CROWD: Cheers.
AGNES: With delight. Oh goody, a wedding – in the
greenwood.
PRIORESS: Be silent, Agnes.
ALAN-A-DALE: Taking Eleanor’s hand. Two weddings. He
bows toward SIR RALPH. By your leave, Sir Ralph.
The outlaws look warningly towards Sir Ralph who is still
dozing in his chair.
ROBIN: Sir Ralph, what say you?
SIR RALPH: Oh yes, yes – tikki marsupial, my dear, but go
lightly on the basmartha.
ELEANOR: I will not have you, Sir Ralph, but I will show you
no disrespect.
SIR RALPH: Stands, looks about him. He points to Sir
Robert. Sir Robert, my old buddy – is that you? A game of
chequers, man, a stoup of ale and a pipe by the fire’ll make
me well content.
SIR ROBERT: A bottle of Glenfidick would be my
preference, dear friend.
RALPH: And Ellie, my chick – bed your troubadour, if it
pleases you.
PRINCE JOHN: And give up the fortunes of the De Luces in
favour of a swineherd with pretensions to banjo playing that
would curdle milk? Has the world lost its marbles? Pauses.
Incidentally, who’s nicked my silver arrow?
ROBIN: My silver arrow, Johnny Lackland.
LADY REINAULT: Hand it over, Husband, or there’ll be no
nibbles for you tonight.
LITTLE JOHN slips the arrow into the quiver over ROBIN’S
shoulder.
The music quickens. All the cast take partners: HUGO with
the PRIORESS, while SIR RALPH and SIR ROBERT sit on
the platform and chat. The women in the crowd are invited
to join the dance by the outlaws, though those left over can
dance with each other. The archers, HENRY and HUBERT
partner each other as do LOFTY and SHORTY who take it in
turns to give a whirl to SIR ROGER.
ROBIN has stacked his bow and quiver of arrows against a
tree, and he and MARIAN join the dance; after a few
moments, they pause towards the front of the stage and
form an arch through which all the cast, in twos, pass
through the audience. PRINCE JOHN alone, hesitates, only
to be given a kick through by MARIAN.
Robin and Marian are left alone on stage. The rest of the cast
pause, turn towards the stage and applause as hero and
heroine embrace. The lights fade to darkness, and as they
do so, we hear PRINCE JOHN’s guttural laugh.
THE END