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Local Boy Dies After Seeing Girls Bare Shoulder

HUDSON, OH -- After reportedly suffering numerous heart palpitations from seeing a


girls bared shoulder in school, 11th grader Seth Byrnes died after collapsing on the floor today,
according to numerous bystanders at the scene. He was 17.
Kenneth Balefield, M.D., the resident doctor on campus, declared him dead at 11:40 AM.
It seems as if his heart troubles are caused by a form of induced anemia; notably, it seems as if
blood had been redirected from his brain to a small area between his legs, causing his stroke.
My guess is that our dear Seth saw that bare patch of skin on our young ladys shoulder, got
very excited, and that was that. Surely enough, some female witnesses noted with awe that
signs of blood-induced swelling had indeed appeared in the area post-mortem.
Already, many in the community are calling for the expulsion of the girl for violations of
dress code. One such protester stopped our reporters in the hallway to inform us of her
numerous violations: I tell ya son, she been violatin that dress code for ages! Every day I see
her exposin her ankles, her neck, and now even her shoulda? I mean, whaddya expect outta a
man when he sees a lusty womans bare shoulda in public now?
Byrnes troubling tale already comes after a slew of dress-code related incidents
occurring in Hudson High School. Notably, freshman Christina Molinsky was cited for rolling up
her sleeves during an exam after the incident distracted and confused male students, leading to
numerous failing grades. Other male students have similarly generated buzz in their
homogenous experiences surrounding what has come to be a priority in school reform.
Finally fed up with the effects of frequent dress
code violations, Principal Zachary Ramirez has proposed
mandating full potato-sack-wear to quell the distraction
created by female immodesty. By sporting the new
potato-sack standard, we can ensure that boys retain
their attention and innocence despite the unruly dress
tendencies of kinky girls, says Ramirez, noticeably
distracted by his scantily clad female co-worker bending
down over the sink.
This new rule, as well as numerous other
mandates reinforcing standard dress codes such as the prohibition of female midriff, legs,
necks, ears, cheeks, jawlines, and eyes will be in effect on Tuesday. Appended to the new
codes of formal schoolwear are restrictions on tightness of clothing the clothing may not be
too tight as to show the skin underneath, and must retain a mean distance of 2 cm from the skin

at all times. Says Ramirez, The clothes must be touching all parts of their body to cover it up,
while also not touching the skin too much. Already, engineers have been commissioned to
achieve such a feat of clothing.
Also, as of Tuesday, the Girls Swimming Team is hereby cancelled, as reportedly the
mere thought of girls in one piece swimwear is overwhelming for the male populace of the
school. Ramirez stood by at a lengthy press conference over the weekend, defending this
decision against critics who pose that he may be slightly overstepping his bounds.
The idea of females in swimwear is a potential distraction for our young learners, he
said. I mean, just think about it. Swimsuits nowadays barely cover the stomach area, breeze
right past the shoulders and leave the legs wide exposed to onlookers if you just imagine
wide exposed excuse me, will you please repeat the question?
Many of the more-distracting sex expressed disdain when hearing of the recent changes
to school policy. Guys education is being put before ours, spouted 16-year-old Marcie
Wallace, watching as male students casually pulled off their pants and sported boxers and
undershirts while strutting through the hallway. What am I supposed to do, wear a black bag
over my head to keep me from distracting guys? inquired Gracie Collins, a sophomore. To
which, Ramirez scribbled in his notebook while pensively replying, That might be a good
idea...
Meanwhile, residents of the town of Hudson can expect to see rising income taxes this
year as Hudson High School has petitioned for a complete revamping of various school
uniforms. According to recent inspection, clothing owned by the school no longer adheres to its
own dress standards.

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