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AIDAN WALSH
Bab 5 Bernie
INT. DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
BERNIE SANDERS and HILLARY CLINTON are standing at podia at a
debate. A sign reads "Ump-fucking-teenth Democratic 2016
Presidential Debate." KAREN TUMULTY moderates.
HILLARY
...A protected landmark with
surprisingly clean restrooms. I
yield the rest of my time.
KAREN
Thank you. Our next question is for
Senator Sanders. Senator, as this
campaign cycle draws to a close, it
is beginning to seem less and less
likely that you will win the
party's nomination. Is it wise for
the party as a whole for you to
continue your campaign rather than
begin the process of rallying
behind the likely nominee sooner
rather than later?
BERNIE
Well, first of all, I do believe
that my campaign still has a strong
chance to pull ahead of Senator
Clinton's. That said, this campaign
has been about more than just
winning a nomination for Bernie
Sanders. It's about making
Americans aware of some very basic
truths: racism is still present in
our society and our criminal
justice system. Income inequality
is a growing problem that requires
decisive action. Babylon 5 is still
the single greatest science-fiction
television program ever produced.
Wall StreetKAREN (CUTTING HIM OFF)
I'm sorry, Senator. What was that
last thing you said?
BERNIE
Wall Street-

2.
KAREN
No. Before that.
BERNIE
Oh. Babylon 5 is the single
greatest science fiction television
program ever produced.
KAREN
Yes, I'm confused. Your campaign is
raising awareness for a TV show?
A thing beeps.
KAREN (CONTD)
Oh! That's your time. Senator
Clinton, a rebuttal?
HILLARY
Senator Sanders has been
campaigning on these strong and
true statements about the state of
race relations and income
inequality in this country. But he
has no clear plan. None of these
statements are backed up by action!
Senator Sanders, where were you in
1993 and 1994 when I was fighting
hard to bring healthcare to
millions of uninsured Americans?
BERNIE
You want to know where I was in
1994? I'll tell you where I was in
1994. February 22nd, 1993, I was at
home, in my underwear, thinking
about the poor of this country,
when I accidentally sat on my
remote control. On came the TV, and
I found myself watching the pilot
movie for the show that, a year
later, would become such a huge
part of my life. Immediately, I was
hooked. I had to see more! And,
starting on January 26th, 1994,
more I did see. 5 seasons of the
most incredible television even
produced.
HILLARY
Karen, surely you see that this is
absurd! Please get this debate back
on track!

3.
KAREN has her finger on an earpiece, listening intently.
KAREN
No, actually, we're going to stay
on this.
HILLARY
But this is completely irrelevant!
KAREN
That's not how the media works.
People are sick of hearing about
the poor all the time. Senator
Sanders, what exactly is the nature
of your "awareness-raising" for
Babylon 5? Are you looking simply
to get people to watch the old show
or are you interested in bringing
it back?
BERNIE
My primary interest is in getting
people to watch the old show. It's
a masterpiece. But if we can get
enough grassroots support for a new
movie or maybe a Netflix original
series, that'd just be icing on the
cake.
HILLARY
Once again, I have to object!
Entertaining this silly topic is
making a mockery of our political
system! A television show from the
1990s about... aliens and
spaceships... has no relevance to
the future of the Democratic party
or the American people!
BERNIE laughs maniacally.
BERNIE
Oh, you think that's true, huh?
That sci-fi shows from the '90s
don't have any effect on the
Democratic party? Maybe you've
already forgotten about a little
show called Star Trek: Voyager?
HILLARY
I have no idea what you're talking
about.

4.
BERNIE
Oh, you poor soul. In 1997, in
season 4 of Voyager, Jeri Ryan
joined the main cast as Seven of
Nine, a Borg drone who had been
freed from the Borg's collective
consciousness, in the hopes that
her smokin' hot body in that tight
catsuit would boost ratings. It
did, by a huge 60%. Now, Jeri's
husband at the time was Jack Ryan,
an investment banker for Goldman
Sachs, at its Chicago branch. Now
that Jeri had made it big as an
actress, it meant that she would
have to spend most of her time in
California, away from her family.
Naturally, this put strain on their
relationship, and, in 1999, they
divorced.
HILLARY
Senator, this is all very
interesting, but we don't have time
for BERNIE
Look this shit up if you don't
believe me. This is 100% real. Now,
Jeri had a very successful career
as an actress, and, In 2004, Jack
Ryan ran for a seat in the Illinois
senate and won the Republican
nomination. In June of that year,
court records from Jack and Jeri's
custody battle were released, which
included allegations that he had
tried to pressure Jeri into
performing sexual acts on him in
public. The scandal was devastating
to his campaign, forcing Jack Ryan
to drop out late in the cycle, and
opening the way for the crushing
defeat of his hasty replacement at
the hands of his Democratic
opponent: BARACK FUCKING OBAMA
Hillary's eyes are wide. The audience roars in applause.
BERNIE (FLIPPING OFF THE
CROWD) (CONTD)
Bring back Babylon 5, fuckers!
Blackout.