details about _____. You should make ____ the same way!
You should revise the whole
2nd page.
A few words are vague.
You started a lot of the sentences
with the same words.
On the 2nd page, in the first paragraph, I
wonder if you could revise _____ to include more _____? In paragraph 2, you use the words some and things. Being more clear would help the reader understand what you are talking about. Maybe replace those words? On the first page, you start sentences with the word ____ 6 times. I wonder if you could revise that to include more sentence variety? Look at sentence variety in your notebook for ideas.
Your piece needs work.
I cant get a picture of ____. What does it look
and sound like? How could you make it clear where the scene is?
Good word choice, detail and
facts.
I like that in this sentence, you include words
like ___ and ___ to show what is happening. I wonder if you could include some better word choice in this other sentence?
Your sentence structure is not
too good in some places.
You have mostly simple sentences in paragraph
3. I wonder if you could add some participial phrases or adjective openings to jazz it up for the reader?
You need better punctuation.
I cant understand what
is happening.
The dialogue right here is confusing since you
dont have quotation marks around the words people say aloud. Add those in and start new paragraphs when a new person talks. In paragraph 1, I am lost. I wonder if you could add in a setting to help the reader know where this is taking place?